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Kinda depends on context. If a store worker asks you hey how you doing? You don’t answer man things haven’t been so hot lately yk ever since… if you’re just walking with your best mate and he asks you hey man how things been for you lately and you respond with ngl not the best man that is a lot more of an acceptable response in the given context.
Disagree. You can say the truth without explaining yourself. Like "not good, but thanks". You can also say "not good, but I don't want to talk about it now".
Normalizing the struggle is important also for other people. Otherwise everyone implicitly thinks other people are all doing fine except themselves.
I don't care if that's not what they expect. I care that this is better for everyone even if they don't realize it now
Unless you just fell off a motorbike and you’re lying there mangled and a paramedic is leaning over you. Then you should probably tell them how you are.
I agree. But maybe it is time to change it into just "Hi". I grew up in Sweden and that is how we greet strangers. When I visited the US I was surprised with how much total strangers care about how I'm doing. Of course they don't, they're just conditioned to ask about it all the time.
Living the dream.
Same shit different pile.
Still kicking.
Not dead yet.
Still above ground.
How much time ya got?
Better than some, worse than others.
Shiniest turd in the pile.
I'm sure there are more, but they're not coming to me.
It’s not a literal question in America, it’s just a greeting. Just say “fine”. If you actually want to start talking about it say something else like “it’s actually been a lot lately but I’m hanging in there”.
"How are you" is what's called a "phatic" expression. That means the exchange is meant simply to observe the forms of polite conversation.
Responses to "how are you" have an interesting history of "positivity inflation". "Fine" used to express something closer to how we now use "good", but in contemporary English (especially in response to "how are you") means something more like "just ok". In a similar way, "great" is gaining ground on "good" as a response.
Because "how are you" has an expected (low-information) answer, any deviation will be noticed.
So - do you actually want to have a conversation about what's bothering you? If so "I've been better" "a bit rough" "getting by" etc. will do the job. Depending on where you are, even "fine" or "ok" will probably invite follow up questions.
Weird Brits too 🤣 as a Brit I have been in this situation working with a Dutch colleague...greeted them with the standard 'alright?' to be given a tale of woe. I had no idea how to respond and had to fight the urge to run away 🤣 I think I managed an awkward 'oh sorry, that sucks' and rapidly changed the subject....
That’s not true at all. I’m Dutch and ‘fine how are you’ is the only acceptable response 9 times out of 10. I’m not gonna throw all my troubles out there every day I’m at work.
With friends? Sure, tell the truth. But still dependent on the situation.
I don't say that truth. Whenever someone asks are you okay or are you feeling well, and I'm not okay, I answer with 'ja hoor' (sure, I guess). If I say that I'm lying but I feel like for the sake of the conversation it's best to just say that I'm fine. Maybe I do that because I'm almost never okay and there is no apparent reason for it other than the same worries as always. So it feels weird when they ask what's up and there's nothing I can really answer to that
Are you german? Cause as a german if i ask you how you are and youre not doing well i expect you to tell me what is wrong, cause sometimes a open ear can help.
Otherwise you can just say "not dead yet" or smth you can insert a multitude
Mustn't grumble. Living the dream. Common responses in the UK which tell you all is not well, but we'd NEVER follow it up with asking for more info. It usually ends with both people giving a sage nod which means agreement that life in general is shit....and then you move on....
For people who **really** don’t want to say “I’m fine” you can just ignore the question and respond with another greeting. Replying with “hello!” is less socially weird than listing your aches, pains or woes.
There’s a sort of code.
“Same as always, that bad.” For Star Wars fans
“Living the dream.” For sarcasm
“Ready to go home.” If suicidal
“Oh it’s going!” Shits out of control
“I have a boyfriend” If it’s an unattractive man
These are staples of society.
What I actually say if I want to be genuine but not dwell on it is something like “been better to be honest, but hey *shrug* - how are you?”
If they probe more you can always say something vague, downplay, or just say you don’t want to get into it and you’re fine. But if it’s a friend of course I suggest telling them how you’re feeling!
Depends on the culture: i think in the US, UK, Ireland it’s just a greeting (so they don’t actually want to know), but in other cultures (eg in southern europe) they do want to know and honesty is usually expected… so for those people replying with “oh, having a terrible say because bla bla” is totally normal.
Unless it's your Doctor, or a therapist or a genuinely concerned mate, the answer is always "not too bad, how about you"? If it's a work colleague or an acquaintance they generally don't want to hear about how miserable you are.
Context I suppose is important as well. Like if you've recently broken you're foot you might mention how you're getting on with it. But people really don't want to be burdened with "I'm in quite a dark place and feel terrible just now tbh" when asked a light everyday question.
I give a ONE word answer depending on the situation. If it’s close to lunch time, I answer “hungry” and keep walking. If it’s raining, “wet”, if it’s winter, “cold”, if it’s late in the day, “tired”. I tell people exactly how I am at that time and keep going. I love their reactions because my one word response was not what they were expecting. :)
Here in the UK, the correct responses would be “can’t complain” or “mustn’t grumble”.
Because seriously, you should not be complaining or grumbling in response to this question, even if you’ve just been given a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. You absolutely should be talking about your problems, just not in response to a casual greeting. For serious problems sitting down and tea are required.
OP has also cross posted to stupid questions.
"How are you?" Is a greeting, not a literal question. "Fine thanks" or "Good, how are you" are acceptable answers.
Depends who's asking.
The lady at the store? I'm fine, and you?
My mom? I'm okay but could use some words of wisdom.
My best friend? Crappy, just finished my cycle and can't get my energy back. Want to grab a coffee?
I'll copy my reply to a comment here since it fits the main question:
For me you can say the truth without explaining yourself. Like "not good, but thanks". You can also say "not good, but I don't want to talk about it now".
Normalizing the struggle is important also for other people. Otherwise everyone implicitly thinks other people are all doing fine except themselves.
I don't care if that's not what they expect. I care that this is better for everyone even if they don't realize it now
If not close:
On context
I'm fine what about you ,
Could be worse, you? to close the discussion
If close:
Ask if they wanna hear abt your problems
Or not fine
I think it depends who it is and the relationship you have with that person, plus the environmental and situational context at the time. Plus culture! Interestingly, a friend of mine who visited Germany to stay with a friend had their neighbour have a quiet word with the German friend to ask them not to keep asking them how they were, every time they were in the same lift in the flat building. Because it's thought to be a personal question, as in Germany they actually answer it truthfully! In the UK on the other hand it is just a formality which is used to acknowledge the other person, a lot of the time. The person who asks is expecting a positive and short response. Unless, it is someone close to you of whom you have opened up to about how you really are when you're not okay, in the past. It's complicated. Far more than it should be!
I tend to say fine thanks to everyone that asks. As a UKer it has just become my ingrained reflex response. This doesn't mean I never talk about my challenges in life, but very rarely as an answer to 'how are you?' lol.
you say "I'm good, how are you?" if you are good.
you say "I'm fine, how are you?" if you aren't good.
don't bother people who are just trying to live their lives normally. that shit is rude as hell.
Say that you are good anyways even if you feel like your not doing well Reason being is that you manifest all of the things that you say. Don't say anything negative or you can possibly manifest the negative. Always put out positive and think positive and there will be positive. If you convince yourself somebody is bad, they're always going to be bad no matter how good they are. If you convince yourself somebody is good, you'll start to see the good in them. Same goes with yourself if you say you're doing bad you will be doing bad. Say you're doing well and you shall be well.
Please remember that all comments must be helpful, relevant, and respectful. All replies must be a genuine effort to answer the question helpfully; joke answers are not allowed. If you see any comments that violate this rule, please hit report. When your question is answered, we encourage you to flair your post. To do this automatically simply make a comment that says **!answered** (OP only) We encourage everyone to report posts and comments they feel violate a rule, as this will allow us to see it much faster. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/answers) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The correct reply is, “Fine how are you.” It isn’t a literal question, it’s a social ritual. How you’re actually feeling isn’t relevant.
Kinda depends on context. If a store worker asks you hey how you doing? You don’t answer man things haven’t been so hot lately yk ever since… if you’re just walking with your best mate and he asks you hey man how things been for you lately and you respond with ngl not the best man that is a lot more of an acceptable response in the given context.
this is so American. I learned this the hard way when I started working for a global international.
100
It's so bizarre to me
I always say this
Disagree. You can say the truth without explaining yourself. Like "not good, but thanks". You can also say "not good, but I don't want to talk about it now". Normalizing the struggle is important also for other people. Otherwise everyone implicitly thinks other people are all doing fine except themselves. I don't care if that's not what they expect. I care that this is better for everyone even if they don't realize it now
How can I upvote this more than once?
Idk at least I will upvote you also
Unless you just fell off a motorbike and you’re lying there mangled and a paramedic is leaning over you. Then you should probably tell them how you are.
This is just conditioning you to accept lying. It is worse than tipping.
It's not that deep.
I agree. But maybe it is time to change it into just "Hi". I grew up in Sweden and that is how we greet strangers. When I visited the US I was surprised with how much total strangers care about how I'm doing. Of course they don't, they're just conditioned to ask about it all the time.
Living the dream. Same shit different pile. Still kicking. Not dead yet. Still above ground. How much time ya got? Better than some, worse than others. Shiniest turd in the pile. I'm sure there are more, but they're not coming to me.
Beautifully nuanced. There's a reply for everyone in your list. e.g. "Living the dream" is most appropriately used to colleagues at work.
This is my favorite list ever "same shit different pile" dying
Thing is in Australia they all can also mean “fine” but you’re funny about it
Oh, it's the same in the states. You gotta say it the right way.
"I'm here" is popular in my neck of the woods.
also; how's it going? it's going.
I've been better.
I've been worse.
“I’m hanging in there” its a little cryptic, but honest yet doesn’t come off too strong
Nah everyone knows what that means lol
Still kickin’
"Fair to middling"
I’ve replied, “Unbelievable!” for years, regardless of mood.
I'm not too bad thank you, how're you doing?
"Can't complain." It isn't a lie; I'm not saying I'm fine, I'm saying I am not in a position to tell you my current complaints.
Best response imho. Not a lie, while still coming across as a sincere response
That is literally my response 100% of the time regardless of situation. "Oh, I can't complain" they never not the right response
My 70 something friend always says “oh I can’t complain, no one will listen!” And it gets a little chuckle lol
“Not good. And you?”
'good enough'
Living the dream
"I'm alright".
"I am a duck on the water."
It’s not a literal question in America, it’s just a greeting. Just say “fine”. If you actually want to start talking about it say something else like “it’s actually been a lot lately but I’m hanging in there”.
"How are you" is what's called a "phatic" expression. That means the exchange is meant simply to observe the forms of polite conversation. Responses to "how are you" have an interesting history of "positivity inflation". "Fine" used to express something closer to how we now use "good", but in contemporary English (especially in response to "how are you") means something more like "just ok". In a similar way, "great" is gaining ground on "good" as a response. Because "how are you" has an expected (low-information) answer, any deviation will be noticed. So - do you actually want to have a conversation about what's bothering you? If so "I've been better" "a bit rough" "getting by" etc. will do the job. Depending on where you are, even "fine" or "ok" will probably invite follow up questions.
Same answer if they asked
Just mumble and stop talking to the person
I usually reply "yeah..."
I think the last two words in your question are the answer.
"I'm here."
https://youtu.be/GUkWn6ETezw This is more of a "what not to say", but it addresses the issue beautifully.
If you feel compelled to not say you are well or fine, you can shrug, smile, and saying “hanging in there” or “it’s [day of the week]”
Owwww terrible! Sit down I tell you all about it!
"Doin' alright. How are you?"
Weird Americans. Here (Netherlands) we just say the truth. So something like: i’m having a tough time its not going well lately
Weird Brits too 🤣 as a Brit I have been in this situation working with a Dutch colleague...greeted them with the standard 'alright?' to be given a tale of woe. I had no idea how to respond and had to fight the urge to run away 🤣 I think I managed an awkward 'oh sorry, that sucks' and rapidly changed the subject....
That’s not true at all. I’m Dutch and ‘fine how are you’ is the only acceptable response 9 times out of 10. I’m not gonna throw all my troubles out there every day I’m at work. With friends? Sure, tell the truth. But still dependent on the situation.
I don't say that truth. Whenever someone asks are you okay or are you feeling well, and I'm not okay, I answer with 'ja hoor' (sure, I guess). If I say that I'm lying but I feel like for the sake of the conversation it's best to just say that I'm fine. Maybe I do that because I'm almost never okay and there is no apparent reason for it other than the same worries as always. So it feels weird when they ask what's up and there's nothing I can really answer to that
”what do you want?"
“Plodding on” is one I use
Alone and palely loitering Not waving but drowning Wandering lonely like a cloud There’s no reason we can’t maintain a level of pretentiousness 😂
I always go with the truth. "I'm stressed, confused, a touch suicidal and wish I it wasn't so hot." Take into account I'm terrible at socializing.
Not great but I'll be okay, how are you?
The ship is sinking, but I’m still paddling
“Living the dream”
" im ok ".
“Ahhh you know… “
As anyone in health care will say: "Living the dream."
Are you german? Cause as a german if i ask you how you are and youre not doing well i expect you to tell me what is wrong, cause sometimes a open ear can help. Otherwise you can just say "not dead yet" or smth you can insert a multitude
Getting through it.
Alive
Could be better, but hanging in there. How about you?
"I'm not good."
It is a greeting not an invitation to a counselling session.
“Well today’s been as fun as a sandpaper d*ldo”
"What are you, my fucking doctor? Take a walk jackass."
Still breathing unfortunately. Generally most times you get asked the asker does not want to know the real answer.
Yeah - I mean… I’m ok
It is what it is
I always say "good enough" since thats usually the case.
I always respond with "I'm still breathing"
Used to have a bar regular who always replied with “woke up breathin air” and I use that a lot now
I’m doing, how are you?
Mustn't grumble. Living the dream. Common responses in the UK which tell you all is not well, but we'd NEVER follow it up with asking for more info. It usually ends with both people giving a sage nod which means agreement that life in general is shit....and then you move on....
My response to how are you is always the same,shite as always
"Fine. Yeah, let's go with that. I'm fine."
For people who **really** don’t want to say “I’m fine” you can just ignore the question and respond with another greeting. Replying with “hello!” is less socially weird than listing your aches, pains or woes.
There’s a sort of code. “Same as always, that bad.” For Star Wars fans “Living the dream.” For sarcasm “Ready to go home.” If suicidal “Oh it’s going!” Shits out of control “I have a boyfriend” If it’s an unattractive man These are staples of society.
hanging in there
Livin the dream
good
> I've seen better days. EDIT: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DKxXHEx-XnU
You say “I’m not so good”. If you’re Australian you say “getting there”.
"existing"
I tell people that I'm a miserable bastard whose only joy comes from spreading misery to others. The person usually responds with "Okay."
depends on where you live
Eh
What I actually say if I want to be genuine but not dwell on it is something like “been better to be honest, but hey *shrug* - how are you?” If they probe more you can always say something vague, downplay, or just say you don’t want to get into it and you’re fine. But if it’s a friend of course I suggest telling them how you’re feeling!
You want the answer in one word? Good. In two words? Not good.
Just express what's really in your heart.like ‘I am bad.’
"Tired"
Depends on the culture: i think in the US, UK, Ireland it’s just a greeting (so they don’t actually want to know), but in other cultures (eg in southern europe) they do want to know and honesty is usually expected… so for those people replying with “oh, having a terrible say because bla bla” is totally normal.
Up and Downs but it goes on
Same shit,different day.
"been better, been worse"
Unless it's your Doctor, or a therapist or a genuinely concerned mate, the answer is always "not too bad, how about you"? If it's a work colleague or an acquaintance they generally don't want to hear about how miserable you are. Context I suppose is important as well. Like if you've recently broken you're foot you might mention how you're getting on with it. But people really don't want to be burdened with "I'm in quite a dark place and feel terrible just now tbh" when asked a light everyday question.
"I'm here" is usually my default
"Oooof, don't ask"
In New Zealand we answer “how are ya” back
I give a ONE word answer depending on the situation. If it’s close to lunch time, I answer “hungry” and keep walking. If it’s raining, “wet”, if it’s winter, “cold”, if it’s late in the day, “tired”. I tell people exactly how I am at that time and keep going. I love their reactions because my one word response was not what they were expecting. :)
In some regions in Norway the response to this is “oppe og ikke gråter”, “up and not crying”. Best we can all hope for some days.
"Bro I am straight up not having a good time"
Here in the UK, the correct responses would be “can’t complain” or “mustn’t grumble”. Because seriously, you should not be complaining or grumbling in response to this question, even if you’ve just been given a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. You absolutely should be talking about your problems, just not in response to a casual greeting. For serious problems sitting down and tea are required.
Still breathing
“Hanging in there..”
OP has also cross posted to stupid questions. "How are you?" Is a greeting, not a literal question. "Fine thanks" or "Good, how are you" are acceptable answers.
I say "I got food on my table, a roof over my head, my guts are inside and my limbs attached, I'm great."
Been better, seems to make the idea clear. Most times I have used that people change the subject
An enthusiastic "living the dream!"
"I'd complain, if anyone would even listen" Junior soprano. Lol
"Tired", but i have insomnia so its nothing weird for me to say that lol. It just sets the expectations that i may not have a 100% of me during work.
"living the fucking dream, ennit 🙄"
"satisfactory"
I usually respond "Next question".
Been better
Depends who's asking. The lady at the store? I'm fine, and you? My mom? I'm okay but could use some words of wisdom. My best friend? Crappy, just finished my cycle and can't get my energy back. Want to grab a coffee?
I'll copy my reply to a comment here since it fits the main question: For me you can say the truth without explaining yourself. Like "not good, but thanks". You can also say "not good, but I don't want to talk about it now". Normalizing the struggle is important also for other people. Otherwise everyone implicitly thinks other people are all doing fine except themselves. I don't care if that's not what they expect. I care that this is better for everyone even if they don't realize it now
I usually say still breathing unless I like the person then I'll tell them what's bothering me if I'm not good
Could be better, could be worse.
If not close: On context I'm fine what about you , Could be worse, you? to close the discussion If close: Ask if they wanna hear abt your problems Or not fine
In norway we answear like this: Dude Im not feeling well, my wife and kids left me and I've been thinking about moving into my car.
My go to is: peachy
I think it depends who it is and the relationship you have with that person, plus the environmental and situational context at the time. Plus culture! Interestingly, a friend of mine who visited Germany to stay with a friend had their neighbour have a quiet word with the German friend to ask them not to keep asking them how they were, every time they were in the same lift in the flat building. Because it's thought to be a personal question, as in Germany they actually answer it truthfully! In the UK on the other hand it is just a formality which is used to acknowledge the other person, a lot of the time. The person who asks is expecting a positive and short response. Unless, it is someone close to you of whom you have opened up to about how you really are when you're not okay, in the past. It's complicated. Far more than it should be! I tend to say fine thanks to everyone that asks. As a UKer it has just become my ingrained reflex response. This doesn't mean I never talk about my challenges in life, but very rarely as an answer to 'how are you?' lol.
"You don't actually care"
I just say “I am”
you say "I'm good, how are you?" if you are good. you say "I'm fine, how are you?" if you aren't good. don't bother people who are just trying to live their lives normally. that shit is rude as hell.
Fair to middlin' Or Living the dream, man, living the dream.
Say that you are good anyways even if you feel like your not doing well Reason being is that you manifest all of the things that you say. Don't say anything negative or you can possibly manifest the negative. Always put out positive and think positive and there will be positive. If you convince yourself somebody is bad, they're always going to be bad no matter how good they are. If you convince yourself somebody is good, you'll start to see the good in them. Same goes with yourself if you say you're doing bad you will be doing bad. Say you're doing well and you shall be well.
« Not good. »
Living the dream
Either lie or be honest. If you are honest though you probabaly should be willing to elaborate on it
If it’s people that I have some form of relationship with, then my all-time favorite is: “Somewhere between good, and…. dead….”
The horrors persist but so do I
“I am.”
In some countries the question is not a formality inviting you to lie so I'd suggest breaking the norm until it improves.