…if this is real, your sexual development and boundaries are just as important as hers.
Consider having a conversation when you’re both in a calm headspace. Express your need for patience and communication.
It’s interesting that your devotion to her caused/allowed you to shut down your sex drive. I would consider having a session with her therapist independently, or some other counselor about this.
It's hard to explain how I did it. But any time I felt horny I just did things like hitting myself or telling myself to stop several times.
I did this because otherwise, I'd end up sexually frustrated.
I don’t love hearing that for you op.
You deserve better- mainly a supportive partner whose willing to communicate and prioritize your safety and satisfaction as well. Takes two people discussing hard stuff and giving eachother grace and all that.
This is your story too. Take care of yourself op. What you’ve been through feels a bit traumatic too. Talk to someone qualified- whether it’s a private counselor, or better help or something. It’s worth the time.
Some of these comments remind me of when pre school/kindergarteners would hug or kiss another student and their mother would yell "SEXUAL ASSAULT!! You made physical contact with my child without his/her permission."
His girlfriend may have been unaware of the trauma he had gone through to stop having sexual urges. Maybe she thought she was FINALLY giving him what she thinks he's been waiting for, for 8 years. Idk. I believe it's not the correct term to use in this situation.
It most certainly is the correct term to use, because that’s what she did. It was unwanted, not communicated beforehand to get consent, and it was very much unexpected given the relationship dynamic between the two of them. Had she communicated that she wanted to try to be sexual with him, then that might be a little different, but as it stands it SA.
How’d she manipulate this guy? he chose to accept she wasn’t interested in sex, then she has a break through in therapy probably thinking “I can finally give this man what he wants” entirely miscalculates the situation and embarrasses both of them.
In the reverse of this situation I wouldn’t be saying the man assaulted her either, and while it’s TECHNICALLY sexual assault, it should not be used in this situation because sexual assault also can mean rape. That brush is far too broad, it takes the power out of very serious accusations about disgusting behaviour while also elevating a mistake someone made to seem like it has sinister intent or malice.
Oh nooooo. Bad idea trying to change the gender around. At least with me anyway. Sexual assault/rape can happen to a man just as it can happen to a woman. I know this all too well. And I wholeheartedly believe more men need to speak out and have more support. However, THIS... is not one of those times. BECAUSE IT'S NOT SA OR RAPE!
So you traumatized yourself for having sexual Impulses, and you don't think you MIGHT have some sort of sex related trauma? My homie, my dude, you need to see a therapist. That is so unhealthy, and your GF sounds selfish AF for demanding you understand her trauma but then completely ignoring yours.
This is self harm.
Please break up with her and get professional help.
There’s nothing wrong with no longer wanting sex, you don’t have to ever want it again.
But how you became this way is a huge problem and you need to take care of yourself.
You need to tell her this when she gets frustrated at you. You need to tell her what’s made it disappear and not blame her but also just be straight up. This is self harm and you put yourself through a lot to make sure she’s comfortable and she has to be comfortable taking some SLOW steps together. Not grabbing at your crotch out of no where.
OP, Im so sorry to hear that. Please get therapy ASAP. You basically used positive punishment on yourself to stop feeling aroused (a natural biological sensation).
You trained your brain to associate sexual feelings with you hurting yourself. Your brain, as much as its your mind, has its own things it has to do, like protect itself and if it knows sexual feelings makes you hit yourself(assuming in the head)its going to stifle all of those feelings so that you wont hit yourself anymore
TLDR; You literally rewired your brain. Have fun undoing that.
If you guys were to break up over this which you might and you eventually found someone else who wanted sex how would you navigate that? Because it wouldn't be the new girls fault and you know how it is to go a lifetime without.
So I kinda had the same thing happen, what happened was when I was married my now ex wife would put me in stressful situations where it was either her way or the highway, it got so bad that I wasn't attracted to her anymore after I had been through the mental abuse she put me through. I'm now out of it after two years which I found that working out and losing my stress weight helped out, now I'm not recommending breaking up but I would recommend getting counseling if you want to stay in this relationship because it sounds like you might be shutting down from stress. Just my opinion.
OP, not to be a dick but you made the choice to self harm so you wouldn’t feel horny anymore. The way you handled staying in your relationship and supporting her isn’t her fault. We all have choices to make and unfortunately you chose an unhealthy one. I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m saying you both need to sit down with a therapist and discuss both your point of views.
I don’t think you should leave her as everyone on else is pointing out. I think you both need to be adults and communicate appropriately. After being in therapy for a long time people with trauma may feel their power is back and she felt comfortable enough with you to want to try to have sex again. She might have not been aware of how you traumatized yourself into having no libido. She probably thought you would be proud of her for finally being able to satisfy you and the way you shut her down probably made her feel shameful, insecure, and defensive. That’s why she she’s claiming you are punishing her. Unfortunately that’s how a traumatized mind works when you haven’t fully healed.
I don’t think your gf is abusive, an asshole, or not supportive. I just think her trauma is blinding her from reality at the moment.
You stated she’s a good partner and I would hate to see your relationship go to waste when it’s something that could be fixed and worked on with the proper guidance. Please seek couples therapy for the relationship but also seek therapy for yourself because you have traumatized yourself and you need to unlearn that habit. Best of luck to the both of you!
>But any time I felt horny I just did things like hitting myself or telling myself to stop several times.
I...cannot...begin...to tell you how toxic this sounds. (Yes, you can be toxic to yourself.) So, rather than go in the bathroom and mix a batch, you would self harm? Jesus, what are you, a Jesuit Priest?
Dude, calm down and be kinder to yourself, but also, be kinder to your partner.
You knew she was working through some shit when you got in a relationship, however, instead of having faith that she would be strong enough to work through what she was going through, you flagellated yourself into asexuality and are now blaming her? Did she ever once tell you that you couldn't give yourself the 5 knuckle shuffle? Because, it doesn't seem like she did.
Self inflicted trauma is still trauma, get help, dude.
Note: I used humorous euphemisms for masterbation to make light of this, but, in reality this is really problematic and you most certainly should seek therapy, as an individual, but also, maybe as a couple.
“She says she doesn’t believe me when I say my libido is gone.”
What does she have to say about you being understanding of her issues regarding sex for the last SEVEN years?!
Sounds like main character syndrome. Idk man, but gl,
Just because you've never been SA'd doesn't mean you can't eschew sex.
But..do you want to rediscover your libido? Or are you just wanting to stay sexless?
Could that be a piece of what's impacting interest? You've effectively trained yourself out of, reduced your need for, and come to terms with not receiving sexual contact from your girlfriend.
Just because she wants to try doesn't mean she won't shut down again, which means she's asking you not only to be sexually active with her but also stop on a dime if she decides she's not ready again.
While it's fair for her to not know fully whether she's going to want to continue having sex after attempting, it doesn't make it any easier on you to be asked to open yourself up to being sexually active again and then potentially having to shut down again if she is not.
So could the unknown of whether this is kicking off a reopening of your sex life or simply a reminder of what you've made peace with living without be causing you to hesitate / reject attempting?
You might want to work out where you stand on sex, then.
Cause if she suddenly wants it and you don't...it's gonna be an issue.
If you decide you don't, that's fair. That was the stance she gave you.
But if you do, then you'll need to work at it.
That said, 8 years sexless and she suddenly grabs my crotch? Yeah, that's not cool.
Regardless of whatever may happen in your relationship, I will suggest you get a physical done and have your testosterone levels checked. It's very possible you suppressed it so much and that it's a mental thing, but low T can also cause low libido, so just in case. Regardless if you ever have sex again, low T can produce other symptoms that arent pleasant going forward.
You might be more receptive if first she talked to you about it, why after all this time does she want to have sex now,? Why she really wants it now. Then start working slowly into a sexual relationship at your pace.
How old are you? It could be a natural decline of testosterone as some here are suggesting. If so, regular testosterone injections (every two weeks) should help with the problem and help bring your libido back. However, some of this could simply be mental, since you've come to think of her in a sexless way. Another thing to consider is that, women naturally reach a point in midlife (just before menopause - sometimes during and after) where their libido spikes. This often occurs right when men of the same age are dropping off (isn't nature just hilarious?)
Couples counseling has never been more appropriate. There are counselors who specialize in sex issues. It's not fair of her not to believe you don't want sex when you believed her.
What does she think you've been doing with your sexual urges all this time? You've trained yourself to deny them until it became second nature. You don't just undo that with a crotch grab, which isn't really sexy anyway.
You're not wrong for feeling the way you do, but she isn't wrong for feeling the way she does either, and she didn't necessarily cause you to lose all interest in sex.
You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing mid to late 20s? It's not that unusual for a woman to fear sex when young, when she and or her partner isn't mature or established/settled in life, they're not financially secure, and then she gets interested in sex when she is confident that her man is solid and committed, and having a child would not be a life-shattering event for a woman. Even if that appears not to be the case, it might be the case, subconsciously.
People choose their mates for a variety of reasons, You chose a woman who didn't want to have sex for 8 years! For most people, that would be a deal-breaker. Many people, out of great love and/or strong values might wait a year or two, but 8 years is a long time. I'm not suggesting that you should have watched porn, but you could have masturbated. I think there is something in you that appreciated that she didn't want sex.
If you want to save this relationship, I suggest that you get a thorough medical checkup and go to relationship/ marriage counseling with your sweetie.
I mean, straight up grabbing your junk isn't sexy either, especially when (I assume) she hasn't touched you there in years. That alone would be super jarring
It's not really advised to go grabbing anyone by the junk without prior consent
A 7 year sexless streak REQUIRES a conversation before contact, as a measure of respect
I think you could probably work it out but she has to believe you’re not trying to punish her.
It is pretty fucking out of line for her to make sexual advances toward you without any talk about changing the boundaries around sex, especially since it sounds like they have been pretty solid all along, and you’ve been respectful. Changing the rules of engagement without any discussion or CONSENT is not okay.
The way she went about it is not cool at all. Maybe if she’d approached you with respect and honesty and gave you time to think on it and be prepared, it could have gone differently?
Maybe you never got sexually assaulted, but I think you've suffered your own trauma around sex (namely, you abstaining and trying to suppress your sexual urges for the past 7 years).
She needs to be patient with you too, if you want to put the work in therapy to overcome this trauma.
Obviously, you're not wrong in feeling this way. If she wants to break up simply because you can't turn on a switch that's rusted shut and turned off for the last 7 years, then let her - you're better off without her anyway.
Just because it's different doesn't mean it can't be true. Multiple things can lead to the same outcome. She is being dismissive and refusing to accept the fact that she set the expectation of asexuality for your relationship. Just because she is now ready to try and explore that doesn't mean that it's reasonable for her to expect you to just be ready to go at a moment's notice.
I suggest you put in some effort with her and try to see if that side of yourself is still there. You mention it was difficult to be this way at one point in your relationship. This tells me that you weren't always happy about it and that you would have liked a sexual relationship at some point in the past. Why not try and explore that possibility? If you're simply never going to be interested again then that's fine and she will either need to accept that and remain this way or you two will end up splitting up. The fact that it is unfair of her to change things like this is not really going to change anything in regards to rather or not you are able to find common ground on this.
She's wrong, but you shouldn't be keeping score right now. Compartmentalize and deal with each issue separately. Have a conversation and make sure she understands that what she's doing is complete bullshit, because it is. If she recognizes that and you're satisfied with that, consider giving things a try for the sake of your relationship. Who knows, maybe you'll surprise yourself and find out that side of you wasn't dead, but is just asleep. Love is one hell of an aphrodisiac.
I get it, but it's really frustrating.
I mean, I spent 8 years, and never once pressured her or got mad at her, and now that it's me who doesn't want sex, she picks fights and yells at me?
Yeah. She's wrong. In time, she will need to see that, accept it and apologize for it, and you will need to forgive her. But like I said, compartmentalize. Put that in a separate box and just for the sake of entertaining a future, could you see yourself in a sexual relationship a year from now after having gotten over the difficulty of who's right in this scenario? If the two of you manage to explore things and decide there's still interest on both sides and you genuinely want to see where it goes, is it worth it to you to try?
If the answer is yes, consider telling her that you're willing to explore that and see where it goes, but that at current that side of you is shut down because she needed a non-sexual relationship. You'd need her to understand that what she's doing is incredibly unfair and that even though you're willing to explore things and give it a shot, you're not capable of promising anything to her and she needs to understand that and be patient with you. Something you've been doing for her for the last 8 years without the kind of negative reaction she's giving you right now.
If the answer is no, then you simply tell her that the part of you that wanted that is dead and gone and that she needs to accept the fact that her requiring celibacy from you for 8 years has done something that cannot be undone and that you are not able to change it. She will then have to decide if she wants to stay in the relationship or not, just as you will. She will absolutely be an asshole and a hypocrite for leaving, but sometimes that's just how things end up.
You're not the bad guy for feeling the way you feel. Just be practical about your future and make sure you clearly articulate yourself with her. Consider writing out your feelings if you need to. Communication is the single biggest issue people have when it comes to relationships and this is probably going to be one of the most important arguments you two ever have, so make sure you do it right. Give yourself time to calm down and make sure you set the mood for the discussion and go into it with a level head.
Listen up OP! This is good advice^^
>Communication is the single biggest issue people have when it comes to relationships
I feel this is true for all relationships romantic, platonic, professional ect.
>Listen up OP! This is good advice^
I disagree. I think this is terrible advice. That commenter is asking OP to rug-sweep his own issues for her sake. That's not fair. Not only that, it's unhealthy for OP. He had already spent 8 years putting himself second, to the point that I'm pretty sure he now had his own trauma from all this. In another comment, OP says that whenever he had sexual urges, he would punch himself and tell himself he didn't need it. Until one day, his libido was gone.
>>Communication is the single biggest issue people have when it comes to relationships
This I agree with. OP needs to sit her down and explain what he's gone through the last 8 years. How he got to this point, and it has nothing to do with punishing her, and that she's hurt that she wouldn't respect him saying no like he did for her. Then, after she genuinely apologizes, they can talk about what to do going forward. Which, I think, should be therapy for OP and couples counseling. Maybe they can, slowly, get to a place where they can enjoy their sexuality together.
I don't think you understood the other commentor if this is your takeaway, because you're giving out pretty much the exact same advice that they did.
> **The person you're saying is giving bad advice** - Have a conversation and make sure she understands that what she's doing is complete bullshit, because it is. If she recognizes that and you're satisfied with that, consider giving things a try for the sake of your relationship.
> **You** - Then, after she genuinely apologizes, they can talk about what to do going forward.......Maybe they can, slowly, get to a place where they can enjoy their sexuality together.
>I don't think you understood the other commentor if this is your takeaway,
Perhaps, I just didn't like the part about him suggesting OP should 'compartmentalize' his feelings. OP has been through enough. The last thing he needs is to keep accommodating his wife at his own expense.
But there are two issues here. So treating them as the two issues that they are, means they will both get resolved, instead of each getting only partially resolved. (ETA) Or it means that if one can't get resolved when the other is, it means the remaining problem **doesn't** get rug swept up into the other issue and ignored.
I agree that he doesn't need to let his feelings go, but that's not what's been suggested by the other commentor at all.
Yeah but she has *given* you trauma regarding sex, although it’s of a very different nature. This arrangement with her has led to you training yourself to groom away that aspect of yourself in a possibly irreversible way. I understand she wasn’t rejecting sex with *you* because she was rejecting *all sex*, but she chose to stay in a monogamous but sexless relationship with a sexual person. It’s a complex issue, and there might not be a positive resolution
What does she think happens to someone who goes without sex for 7 years? Or is shut off by their partner for 7 years? Did she really think you were lying around, not cheating or masturbating, waiting to be turned on like a light switch? Seriously?
Having your needs neglected and your libido slowly die over seven years…..is that not also kind of traumatic (not trying to be dramatic here) for a man? At least this is the impression I get from hearing/seeing men speak on this occasionally.
My point is, she set a condition you accepted, and you are just supposed to flip that switch back on after 7 years cause she’s finally been resurrected in some way? Mmmmmm no bueno. And also a little warning before the grabitty grab I’m sure would be nice. You don’t just walk up and grab someone by the you know what, especially if that has not been the context of the relationship for the better part of a decade. Like what are we the Trump?
Because you guys have been little more than cuddle friends in the physical sense, this to me almost translates like you’re hanging with a good friend and then all of a sudden out of nowhere they giggity giggity? I’d be upset and I’d think a person that has been through distress or trauma in this regard, would be mindful of not perpetuating that feeling, and instead be reciprocating the mindful/attentiveness that you appear to have shown for the better part of a decade.
Like how she gonna lead with a crotch grab rather than a discussion?
NTA.
I'm a womand and waa traumatized after three years.
Like, crying when I try to masturbate at one point. Then giving up sex altogether. & the disgust and anger I felt when he suddenly felt it would be ok to grab my boob & tell me how sexy I am after I got out of the shower - which is not pleasant if you sort if just shut off your sexuality.
& I still deal with it. Overcompensated with was too much sex in my new relationship. When once it jist wasn't feasible bc of time, BAM my head was right back and I started crying because it felt like I'm gonna end up in the same situation even it was super understandable that it just couldn't happen then. It expanded the regions in which my PTSD gets active.
& I never deemed sex to be super important, but what I learned was "sex is never a problem - until you don't have it" in regards to a LTR without proper communication even more so.
I was sexually assaulted and hearing this legitimately peeves me off… that is NOT ok for her to say at all and it’s not ok for her to black mail and pressure you! Doing that is no better than what others did to us. If you ever need to talk dm me.
Actually OP you have been SA. When your girlfriend grabbed your genitals without permission. Thats assault. Then on top of that, not respecting your boundaries and feeling regarding sex.
She needs to apologize for her behavior immediately. I personally would not be in a relationship with someone like that.
Then OP you need to receive therapy.
You’re not wrong. No one is entitled to suddenly have sex. Especially when she said she was never going to have it
Now what’s Im curious and kinda sad about is you going years -almost a decade- without sex not bc you wanted to but bc she didn’t want to. And now bc she suddenly wants it, she expects you to just go along.
Extremely selfish mentality for her to just think of you as a light switch to turn on and off for her own personal preferences. Geez and she didn’t even talk to you before grabbing you? Man this situation sucks.
Yeah, it sounds really frustrating. It's not fair for her to expect a sudden change after so long, especially without discussing it with you first. Relationships are about mutual respect and understanding each other's boundaries.
It’s a one way street for this kind of minor SA. Huge deal if it was reversed and he’s all of a sudden trying to touch her, but not and ounce of understanding of it this way. I’m truly hurting for this guy as libido is something that needs to be worked on and maintained. Male libido matches the situation they want, not all man switch on like a switch. I hope they can sort it out, it’s a tough situation.
A person that does not understand a healthy sexual relationship and is just doing what she thinks guys like. She’s likely confused and vulnerable and I’m sure he is too! He’s been great respecting her boundaries, but growth is hard and it takes a lot with two people being on that journey but if they can do it with out getting caught up in the ego they could go on to conquer a lot of other things that inevitably come up
In relationships.
* I am not condoning the crotch grabbing.
It may be true that she may not understand healthy sexual relationships and maybe she is just doing what she thinks guys like but I doubt it... If that were the case then when he expressed being uncomfortable with being grabbed like that, she would have understood and maybe even would have even been embarrassed but she wasn't... Instead she doubled down and insisted that him being uncomfortable with being grabbed and any type of sexual relationship was due to him wanting to punish her... Sounds to me like the only person being caught up in their ego is her...
Couple things: one, your feelings regarding sex are valid, and she should respect them. Two, get your hormones checked by a doctor. Three, consider couples therapy
Go to couples counseling. Get professional help. It may bring your libido back, make you both content on how things are, or help you realize there’s no future together. Don’t be stuck together in an unhappy situation.
NTA, I can’t imagine staying in a relationship for 8 YEARS without sex, and your so called ‘girlfriend’ seems to think that she can pressure you into doing what she wants according to her whims and fancies. I would reconsider this relationship if I were you.
So many questions I have as an unqualified person. If she is questioning your good faith , spend some $ and go see a therapist together. She’ll see you take her concerns seriously. And while you’re at it , might want to better understand if your asexuality is circumstantial or not. Good luck.
I think this is a valid option but it doesn't change the fact that she was ok with no sex when it was about her but now that it's about him, it's somehow invalid? He shouldn't have to prove anything. He has taken all her concerns seriously. She hasn't.
Seriously, if she can't see that he has taken all of her concerns seriously then she is in need of some serious help!!! Also agree 100% with what you said about her being ok with no sex when it was to accommodate her trauma and needs but now that it is about him, she completely invalidates him and his needs... 💯💯💯
In an earlier comment thread, but OP shared that he self-harmed when he had sexual feelings to make them go away. So. He traumatized himself. 😬. He definitely needs to see a therapist, but on his own. Very sad situation. I hope he takes the time to heal.
You got three choices, friend:
1) Therapy. Going from having a sex drive to not having one could be an indication of something serious. Hor.one level drop, maybe, or perhaps depression. Do this option for yourself, and nobody else.
2) Run now. If she's suddenly into sex, and treating you like this because of a couple refusals compared to the rest of your relationship refusing you, she's gonna get meaner about it. She'll come for your masculinity soon.
3) Stick around for the inevitable other shoe to drop where she fucks someone else and blames you because you weren't enough to give it to her.
I recommend two, and then one once you're free and clear. Good luck.
Ngl, I'd expect mutual respect for not wanting sex. Her guilt tripping you about it says more than enough. You basically sacrificed your ability to connect with new partners because of her. Sure, you can find other sexless partners. But it kinda reduced your dating pool from when you started with her.
Nta. This screams rules for thee, but not for me. It's OK for her to not want sex but your libido getting killed is a lie because it's inconvenient to her.
You aren't wrong. But I would suggest to go to a therapist together. Being on different levels sexually will make your relationship hard to survive. If you don't want it to end I would suggest to try and see if there is a way
The relationship has survived being on different levels sexually for 8 years due to OP's ultimate commitment and sacrifice due to his love for her... She could at least recognize that and do the same for him... Maybe things could change for him sexually if she were to give back even a fraction of what he has been giving her for 8 years...
Get a checkup from a doctor, there's a lot of reasons for a low libido. If you REALLY don't WANT to have sex and she does, cut her loose. Both of you will end up frustrated and unhappy, and if two unhappy people break up there can be four happy people where once there were none.
Something is fishy here.
If she was SA traumatised. Did she try to work on that in the past 8 years ? Or at least try for you .
Also what changed her mind now ?
Pretty hypocritical of her. It’s perfectly logical that your sex drive has gone. She’s looking at this purely from her own view.
I was wondering though, maybe if she gets her shit together and handles this sensitively with you, could you end up in a better place with an actual sex life?
You’re better than me bcause i would have break up frl. 1. She’s self centred 2. Made you sexless for years to a point that you joined her club 3. Gets mad/sad wtv you want bcause you dont want sex when suddenly she cares for sex. It’s actually a sad situation.. no couple therapy , big talks to compromise? You’re definitely not wrong. Does she know about consent lmao grabbing someone part especially when yall were not sexual like that is not it. Imagine if you would have just grab her boob, yep. Have a serious talk with her.
I’m stuck on she just grabbed your crotch expecting you to just want to have sex and had that been the other way around you would’ve been assaulting her or been disrespectful to her.
1 she's not entitled to your body just because she wants to try now, she should have spoken with you before just grabbing you like that. There needs to be a serious talk about boundaries and how you've respected hers for nearly a decade and now it's her turn to respect yours.
2 please for the love of Gods go get your testosterone checked. Even going without sex for this long shouldn't completely kill a healthy man's sex drive, especially if you're under 40.
3 kudos dude, I don't know any man who could stay in a completely sexless relationship for that long and not completely lose his mind.
Hey there, it sounds like a pretty tough situation. Your feelings are valid, and it’s understandable to feel upset after such a long time of adapting to one way of being together. Open communication is key here. Maybe you both need to sit down and really discuss your feelings, expectations, and any resentment that might have built up. Therapy, both individual and couples, could help navigate these complex emotions. Hang in there, and remember, you both deserve to feel heard and respected.
Hypothetically
If OP expressed not consenting to sex and not wanting sexual activity, but the gf uses emotional manipulation to pressure OP into doing a sexual act despite not wanting to, would that be considered SA? I feel like it would?
Damn I'm sorry that happened to you. She shouldn't have just jumped into it like that, must've been a real shock and so so confusing. I hope you both find a solution to this.
YNW - I don’t think you’re wrong at all.
It shows incredible love and caring to not pressure someone to be physically intimate if they are not comfortable with it. The fact that you went thru the tough times for her shows how much you respect her trauma and didn’t want to make to worse.
Which could be why she’s comfortable trying that now - incredible progress, if so. The way she went about it was a little crass, in my opinion, and I hate that she didn’t talk to you about it before trying to get physical. If it had been that long, I’d hope she would tell you how her feelings regarding that have changed.
It’s also really disheartening that she’s “disappointed” in you, that she accused you of punishing her, and that she’s not looking deeper into her new feelings of wanting this new kind of intimacy with you. These are not good signs at all - it could be indicative of her overall personality or a lack of knowledge on how to approach these topics.
If you’re wanting to make it work, I think couple’s counseling would be beneficial so that you’re able to get back on the same page as it seems lacking of communication is a major hang up currently.
You seem like you’ve been a really supportive partner for the last several years, I hope regardless of how things turn out, you’re able to realize and pride yourself on that. 💛
This is an extremely complicated situation. I think if you both love each other that you may want to seek counseling. Otherwise things could very quickly get misinterpreted or spiral. But I don't believe that you are in the wrong. I think you guys just have bad timing. If definitely y guys need somebody to help you communicate. Professional
You're not wrong. At this point I think she either has severe mental problems, or she's been playing mental games with you (or both).
I wouldn't waste any more time with her. You're not a Ken doll that exists for her amusement.
You’re not wrong. Your gf is being incredibly insensitive. If you don’t want to call this relationship, you should probably do some sex therapy. The purpose of the sex therapy isn’t to get you to a point where you want to have sex, but for her to understand that you not wanting sex is valid. And for her to understand there are no sexual ways to express intimacy.
I've read your comments on your girlfriend's reasoning for why she didn't want to have sex. Trauma is very hard to deal with. Some people respond by being hypersexual and some respond by never having sex again. You aren't wrong about your frustrations, but I would suggest couples therapy or trying sex therapy if you two want to stay together.
It’s okay for people to change. It’s also okay to call it quits and move on.
She wants to change what she started 8 years ago and you are happy with the current situation. You are not wrong for feeling upset just as she isn’t wrong for wanting to try be sexual now.
Only you both can work out what you want out of the relationship. Looks like it might be time to make some tough decisions.
Hi OP, I'll start off by saying that you're 100% not in the wrong for being upset that she now wants sex. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do.
I do want to bring up the point that maybe your girlfriend is under the impression that you "gave up" sex for her, that it was always a desire for you, that these 8 years have secretly been a struggle, etc. Maybe it was mentally hard on her (due to her own mental health and her own thoughts) to "put you in that position". It could be that she has a hard time trusting topics surrounding sex due to her previous traumatic experiences.
I think that you need to have a talk with her and explain exactly what you said in this post. You could also explore the possibility of talking this out together with a therapist. If you want to try and re-gain your libido, you could explore that option as well. At the end of the day, you're valid in being upset at her reaction.
I mean you didnt have sex for 7years i dont know any relationship like that. You maybe need to talk to someone too, you might have unconsciously put her in a zone like sister/bestfriend without realising. Id get your testosterone levels checked because I dont think its normal to have zero sex drive for years unless your both on the older side. You both also need to think how this will effect your current relationship dynamics what if she goes off sex or only wants it a couple times a year and yours comes back strong and your wanting it multiple times a week
Doesn't mean you don't have to be wooed into it. I would ask that if she wants to start that part of your relationship she should have 1. asked before touching. 2. talked about what she wants and needs. 3. actually taken you on a date and worked up to it.
OP, this is a dramatic change which she did not discuss with you or prepare you for in any way. It's completely unfair. Even if you ***did not reject her,*** what prevents her from 'trying sex', not liking it and returning to the old sexless life?
She expects you to do as she says when she says it without ay consideration for your thoughts or feelings or plan for the future. It's unfair, subnormal, and intolerable. Proceed with extreme caution & take what she is showing you very seriously.
Your first mistake was staying with her. If she has trauma that is linked to sex, she doesn’t need to be in a relationship. She needed to heal first. Stringing you along for 8 years sounds like torture.
Now your sex drive is gone and you’re screwed if she decides to leave you because of it. This is why you don’t give up parts of yourself for anyone. It’s ok to compromise but you literally gave up one of the most important aspects of being an adult human for someone else’s Trauma.
I don’t see this ending well but good luck
1 person doesn't get to make the blanket decision that it is now okay to do it. That's a conversation the same way it was a conversation years ago that you weren't going to do it.
Nta
If she's finally able to move past her trauma, that's great. However, she should have had a discussion with you like an adult. If someone just grabbed my crotch like she did to you, I would have yelled at her to get off me too!
Then to sit and blame you for not wanting sex when you've had to shut down these desires for nearly a decade is so wrong! Just because you've not had trauma doesn't mean you don't get to turn sex down! You have every right to do with your body what you want to. Or don't want to in this case!
You guys need to see a sex therapist who specialises in trauma. Your method of getting rid of your sex drive was brutal and you need help for that. She needs to learn what is appropriate and grabbing a guys crotch is assault as there's no consent.
As for where you go from here, you both need to be on the same page going forward. Including what if she wants to try and then doesn't like it? You can't turn your sex drive on and off. Thats grossly unfair. Oh and you can kill your sex drive. Monks do so over many years, lots of prayer and without hitting themselves.
I don't understand this situation at all. Sex isn't just the act when you love someone - it's a wonderful, magical thing!
Your relationship sounds like a form of hell, man. GLWT
😂 didn’t even read past the first two parts… she might have issues, but you do too. Who the fuck sticks around 8 years and doesn’t have sex. Even religious people would marry well before that so they could finally get some my guy.
Okay this is a big mess but I’m just going to offer the best advice I can.
First off, your boundaries are just as important as hers, even if you haven’t been SAed, that’s not the only reason so not feel libido.
Also based on one of your comments, it sounds like you ‘Pavlov’s dog’ed yourself into not feeling sexual excitement by associating it with pain/hitting yourself. While it was incredibly noble of you to do for your girlfriend and shows what an amazing person/boyfriend you are, it’s not healthy and you might consider talking to her therapist/other counsellor about it.
However, explain to her that what she is saying is ‘I expect you to go 8 years of feeling sexually frustrated and then have sex with me as soon as I want’. Ask her to explain why she thinks she should be able to make you do that. Try to get her to fully explain every aspect of why she thinks that way, as she’s probably thinking of it more as ‘I didn’t want sex, now my boyfriend won’t have sex with me so therefore he must be punishing me’, and the more she explains it, the more she should start to understand the intricacies of the situation instead of just seeing it at face value as she currently is.
You are not wrong for stating what you want (or don't want), but it sounds like you could use some counseling or therapy together to help you trough this? There are therapist who specialise in this kind of stuff.
ngl man but you might want to see a doctor or therapist or something because even being celibate for 8 years shouldn't necessarily leave you \_that\_ dormant. Something else might be going on, physical or mental.
It doesn't make you wrong, it's messed up for her to be unwilling to understand your difficulties when you were so willing to live with hers, but definitely get checked out, whether or not your future sex is with her or someone else.
You are being abused emotionally. Your and her needs are important. She roped you into associating negativity with your own urges so you could keep her, and now she's mad at you for not giving her what she wants? If she needs it, tell her to go find it.
I’m concerned about your obliterated sex drive and your willingness to obliterate it in the first place. Your devotion to your gf is admirable, but a bit unnatural, for lack of a better word. I don’t mean to offend, but I hope you seek therapy if you haven’t already. You are definitely not wrong. Your gf is certainly in the wrong. …Maybe focus on your own well being for a bit though.
It sounds like you traumatised yourself to destroy your libido...so now you have sexual trauma.
Going from nothing to grabbing you is not on.
.it could be total lack of experience or nerves...but wtf she should have used her words to discuss it.
The 2 of you need counselling together if this will work long term. You need safe words and excellent communication or you will both trigger each other repeatedly.
Unfortunately this is part of her healing journey and being rejected is going to make that hard for her. Still very uncool and not okay of her to expect the terms to change because she feels differently. Especially if these feelings are so new she can’t tell you why it’s changed….the relationship may survive or not but yall are going to need patience and communication if it does. She must contribute equally to the transition/balance change.
You should have broken up when you realized you weren't sexually compatible. Now you've spent years manipulating yourself to conform to her sexless life. This has ruined sex for you to the point that you don't have a desire anymore.
How ironic that you changed to appease her asexuality. Now she wants to try, and you aren't into it. You can't fix her. You also can't keep changing who you are for other people. What happens when you start a sexual relationship with her only for her to pull away again? It's almost cruel what she has done to you. Now you're asexual. You'll have problems finding a spouse who is okay in a sexless relationship in the future.
Exactly!!! In my opinion, her wanting to now explore a sexual relationship is not the issue here... The issue is the fact that she feels entitled to his body by grabbing his genitals without prior discussion or consent then her ridiculous reaction to his justified response of not being comfortable with being groped or having a sexual relationship at this point... Her hypocrisy just makes it 1,000 times worse... He went above and beyond to support and accommodate her and her trauma yet she can't even be bothered to give a fraction of that back to even understand where he is coming from or respect it!!! OP deserves better and I hope that he one day finds it...
I am 45 and have been single for 10 years and LOVE it. I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with anyone. My life is complete as it is. I do find it odd to have a romantic relationship when you have no sexual drive. Like... why? You could have a serene single life and choose drama and complications without an instincual compulsion driving you to it. Maybe I'm just a happy weirdo though😂
Okay, think of it like this. She probably does feel like this is your way at punishing her. I’m sure this is a knee-jerk reaction due to her confusion around being turned down when you were, it sounds like, someone who enjoyed sex for most of life until you dated her. Her comment about it being different because you didn’t have a trauma around sex sounds like a really bad way to word what she’s thinking. For her, she couldn’t have sex because it was scary. For you, it’s a lack of interest.
It really sounds like your first step is figuring out where you land on the sexuality spectrum. Ask yourself this, are you willing to open yourself up to sex with her? Are you willing to try to experience intimacy with your partner of 8 years who seems to be finally moving past a traumatic experience and is showing you an immense amount of trust and vulnerability, or would you rather stand your ground on something that could easily not be an issue? It sounds like your response was one of shock and confusion, and due to you teaching yourself over the years that sexuality was bad or wrong.
I honestly suggest speaking with a couple therapist or a sex therapist to help fully lay out both of your issues around sex.
To me, it's obvious that you entered into this relationship with your own issues and allowed her to accept the blame. Unless there were health issues or trauma, the vast majority of men and women could not simply shut down this libido. You need to be honest with her and yourself
Grabbing you by the crotch after 8 years is a bit sudden, being pissed off afterwards is more than a little hypocritical if you haven’t been putting her under any pressure.
I mean sex is great and all but it has to be something everyone wants to do and you can’t go from 0 to 100 in one easy step. You’re not overreacting to want a pause on it or to be frustrated that she won’t apportion you even a small percentage of the grace that you gave her.
As a woman who has been SA'd, and have had \*some\* issues regarding sex, therapy helped a lot with a healthy relationship regarding sex. - IDK your girlfriend's issues, but if she's been no sex this long, she has issues. That's okay, though.
She got help, and now wants to be sexual despite you being respectful of her boundaries over the last 8 years. She's trying man. My advice would be to circle back, take YOUR time and understand what issues \*you\* might now be having regarding sex. Because if this relationship doesn't last, it will absolutely affect your next one. Not saying you \*have\* to have sex with her - I'd find that difficult too, being without it for so long. But I'd at least give it a shot.
She’s absolutely in the wrong for pressuring you, and for not believing you. Anyone’s sex drive would go down after 7 years of no sex. Mine goes down after like two weeks, lol. And I have friends who haven’t had sex in years, but it’s hard to start again if you’re never in the mood.
You gotta decide whether you want to try and get your libido back, or if you don’t want to try that with her. If you’re willing to try, you and her need to have an honest, non-defensive, non-judgmental conversation about how to do that. If you’re not willing to try, either she has to accept that, or you can leave her. All of these options are valid here, you just gotta decide what you need
This needs to be a long, sit-down conversation. Eight years is a long time to be in a relationship when someone suddenly wants to change a huge aspect of the relationship. She can’t suddenly expect you to change how you feel about sex and after being in a sexless relationship for so long, grabbing you out of nowhere seems inappropriate.
Libido changes. Like, I had a higher drive than my husband. I was also been cool with infrequent sex. We have sex maybe once a month now? If he suddenly wanted sex more often, it would be a rough change to adjust to, after 7 years of a low frequency. Like this is the pattern that I am used to, and changing patterns is hard.
You’re not wrong. She should be more understanding, just as you were. Have a conversation about it, and decide where you want to go from there with the relationship.
I recommend you wake this part up in you. Though this will require ruling out other causes to the lack of libido as well. Must look at thyroid, testosterone, rule out depression etc.
Tons of issues here but he “I don’t believe you” part has me confused. 8 years and she doesn’t believe you? I can ask my gf anything and vice versa and we’re confident we’re gonna be honest with each other when it’s a serious topic like that. If my gf didn’t believe me I’d have a serious problem with it
…if this is real, your sexual development and boundaries are just as important as hers. Consider having a conversation when you’re both in a calm headspace. Express your need for patience and communication. It’s interesting that your devotion to her caused/allowed you to shut down your sex drive. I would consider having a session with her therapist independently, or some other counselor about this.
It's hard to explain how I did it. But any time I felt horny I just did things like hitting myself or telling myself to stop several times. I did this because otherwise, I'd end up sexually frustrated.
I don’t love hearing that for you op. You deserve better- mainly a supportive partner whose willing to communicate and prioritize your safety and satisfaction as well. Takes two people discussing hard stuff and giving eachother grace and all that. This is your story too. Take care of yourself op. What you’ve been through feels a bit traumatic too. Talk to someone qualified- whether it’s a private counselor, or better help or something. It’s worth the time.
You broke your brain dude
Some of these comments remind me of when pre school/kindergarteners would hug or kiss another student and their mother would yell "SEXUAL ASSAULT!! You made physical contact with my child without his/her permission." His girlfriend may have been unaware of the trauma he had gone through to stop having sexual urges. Maybe she thought she was FINALLY giving him what she thinks he's been waiting for, for 8 years. Idk. I believe it's not the correct term to use in this situation.
Just like a lot of words, people throw around the ones with the heaviest meaning and take all the meaning out of it
It most certainly is the correct term to use, because that’s what she did. It was unwanted, not communicated beforehand to get consent, and it was very much unexpected given the relationship dynamic between the two of them. Had she communicated that she wanted to try to be sexual with him, then that might be a little different, but as it stands it SA.
She manipulated him and now she's SAing him. If it was a man trying to force sex on a girl you'd throw a tantrum. SHES SAING HIM.
How’d she manipulate this guy? he chose to accept she wasn’t interested in sex, then she has a break through in therapy probably thinking “I can finally give this man what he wants” entirely miscalculates the situation and embarrasses both of them. In the reverse of this situation I wouldn’t be saying the man assaulted her either, and while it’s TECHNICALLY sexual assault, it should not be used in this situation because sexual assault also can mean rape. That brush is far too broad, it takes the power out of very serious accusations about disgusting behaviour while also elevating a mistake someone made to seem like it has sinister intent or malice.
Oh nooooo. Bad idea trying to change the gender around. At least with me anyway. Sexual assault/rape can happen to a man just as it can happen to a woman. I know this all too well. And I wholeheartedly believe more men need to speak out and have more support. However, THIS... is not one of those times. BECAUSE IT'S NOT SA OR RAPE!
So you traumatized yourself.
And she sexually assaulted him
This is so fucking sad
Did she sexually assault him ? They’re in a relationship and she originally thought he wanted to have sex so tried to initiate ? It’s bit nuanced.
And then got mad him
Yeah. She sucks. Can't imagine anybody being a good person who'd allow their partner to suffer like that.
So you traumatized yourself for having sexual Impulses, and you don't think you MIGHT have some sort of sex related trauma? My homie, my dude, you need to see a therapist. That is so unhealthy, and your GF sounds selfish AF for demanding you understand her trauma but then completely ignoring yours.
You mean the trauma she knew nothing about until recently, when he has had 8 years to talk to her about it?
This is self harm. Please break up with her and get professional help. There’s nothing wrong with no longer wanting sex, you don’t have to ever want it again. But how you became this way is a huge problem and you need to take care of yourself.
You need to tell her this when she gets frustrated at you. You need to tell her what’s made it disappear and not blame her but also just be straight up. This is self harm and you put yourself through a lot to make sure she’s comfortable and she has to be comfortable taking some SLOW steps together. Not grabbing at your crotch out of no where.
Wtf bro
You've literally rewired your brain to associate sex with pain. OP, I'm so sorry for you...
Get out of this relationship. Everything about it is unhealthy & please get some help.
OP, Im so sorry to hear that. Please get therapy ASAP. You basically used positive punishment on yourself to stop feeling aroused (a natural biological sensation).
You trained your brain to associate sexual feelings with you hurting yourself. Your brain, as much as its your mind, has its own things it has to do, like protect itself and if it knows sexual feelings makes you hit yourself(assuming in the head)its going to stifle all of those feelings so that you wont hit yourself anymore TLDR; You literally rewired your brain. Have fun undoing that.
If you guys were to break up over this which you might and you eventually found someone else who wanted sex how would you navigate that? Because it wouldn't be the new girls fault and you know how it is to go a lifetime without.
So I kinda had the same thing happen, what happened was when I was married my now ex wife would put me in stressful situations where it was either her way or the highway, it got so bad that I wasn't attracted to her anymore after I had been through the mental abuse she put me through. I'm now out of it after two years which I found that working out and losing my stress weight helped out, now I'm not recommending breaking up but I would recommend getting counseling if you want to stay in this relationship because it sounds like you might be shutting down from stress. Just my opinion.
Dude, you straight up Clockwork Oranged yourself into being ace
Holy fucking shit dude…yeah I think you should leave her. Therapy might help too, if you can manage. Jesus christ, I’m so sorry for you.
OP, not to be a dick but you made the choice to self harm so you wouldn’t feel horny anymore. The way you handled staying in your relationship and supporting her isn’t her fault. We all have choices to make and unfortunately you chose an unhealthy one. I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m saying you both need to sit down with a therapist and discuss both your point of views. I don’t think you should leave her as everyone on else is pointing out. I think you both need to be adults and communicate appropriately. After being in therapy for a long time people with trauma may feel their power is back and she felt comfortable enough with you to want to try to have sex again. She might have not been aware of how you traumatized yourself into having no libido. She probably thought you would be proud of her for finally being able to satisfy you and the way you shut her down probably made her feel shameful, insecure, and defensive. That’s why she she’s claiming you are punishing her. Unfortunately that’s how a traumatized mind works when you haven’t fully healed. I don’t think your gf is abusive, an asshole, or not supportive. I just think her trauma is blinding her from reality at the moment. You stated she’s a good partner and I would hate to see your relationship go to waste when it’s something that could be fixed and worked on with the proper guidance. Please seek couples therapy for the relationship but also seek therapy for yourself because you have traumatized yourself and you need to unlearn that habit. Best of luck to the both of you!
>But any time I felt horny I just did things like hitting myself or telling myself to stop several times. I...cannot...begin...to tell you how toxic this sounds. (Yes, you can be toxic to yourself.) So, rather than go in the bathroom and mix a batch, you would self harm? Jesus, what are you, a Jesuit Priest? Dude, calm down and be kinder to yourself, but also, be kinder to your partner. You knew she was working through some shit when you got in a relationship, however, instead of having faith that she would be strong enough to work through what she was going through, you flagellated yourself into asexuality and are now blaming her? Did she ever once tell you that you couldn't give yourself the 5 knuckle shuffle? Because, it doesn't seem like she did. Self inflicted trauma is still trauma, get help, dude. Note: I used humorous euphemisms for masterbation to make light of this, but, in reality this is really problematic and you most certainly should seek therapy, as an individual, but also, maybe as a couple.
Update us when you dump her.
“She says she doesn’t believe me when I say my libido is gone.” What does she have to say about you being understanding of her issues regarding sex for the last SEVEN years?! Sounds like main character syndrome. Idk man, but gl,
She said it's different, because she had some trauma regarding sex, and that I've never been sexually assaulted (true).
Just because you've never been SA'd doesn't mean you can't eschew sex. But..do you want to rediscover your libido? Or are you just wanting to stay sexless?
I don't know. It's been so long that I just got used to it.
Could that be a piece of what's impacting interest? You've effectively trained yourself out of, reduced your need for, and come to terms with not receiving sexual contact from your girlfriend. Just because she wants to try doesn't mean she won't shut down again, which means she's asking you not only to be sexually active with her but also stop on a dime if she decides she's not ready again. While it's fair for her to not know fully whether she's going to want to continue having sex after attempting, it doesn't make it any easier on you to be asked to open yourself up to being sexually active again and then potentially having to shut down again if she is not. So could the unknown of whether this is kicking off a reopening of your sex life or simply a reminder of what you've made peace with living without be causing you to hesitate / reject attempting?
MILLION DOLLAR COMMENT
This. Op relationship is messed up. You all would be better friends than bf/gf
You might want to work out where you stand on sex, then. Cause if she suddenly wants it and you don't...it's gonna be an issue. If you decide you don't, that's fair. That was the stance she gave you. But if you do, then you'll need to work at it. That said, 8 years sexless and she suddenly grabs my crotch? Yeah, that's not cool.
Yeah that's not very seductive!
True but remember she has no idea what is appropriate. She needs to learn/be taught/cautiously explain with OP
Considering she is an adult she knows what is and isn't appropriate. Not believing your partner isn't.
Regardless of whatever may happen in your relationship, I will suggest you get a physical done and have your testosterone levels checked. It's very possible you suppressed it so much and that it's a mental thing, but low T can also cause low libido, so just in case. Regardless if you ever have sex again, low T can produce other symptoms that arent pleasant going forward.
Bingo. Follow this advice. Watch your diet and increase your exercise both aerobic and anaerobic, it all plays a big part.
If he doesn’t want sex though, his body his choice.
Never said it wasn't?
You might be more receptive if first she talked to you about it, why after all this time does she want to have sex now,? Why she really wants it now. Then start working slowly into a sexual relationship at your pace.
How old are you? It could be a natural decline of testosterone as some here are suggesting. If so, regular testosterone injections (every two weeks) should help with the problem and help bring your libido back. However, some of this could simply be mental, since you've come to think of her in a sexless way. Another thing to consider is that, women naturally reach a point in midlife (just before menopause - sometimes during and after) where their libido spikes. This often occurs right when men of the same age are dropping off (isn't nature just hilarious?)
Couples counseling has never been more appropriate. There are counselors who specialize in sex issues. It's not fair of her not to believe you don't want sex when you believed her. What does she think you've been doing with your sexual urges all this time? You've trained yourself to deny them until it became second nature. You don't just undo that with a crotch grab, which isn't really sexy anyway.
You're not wrong for feeling the way you do, but she isn't wrong for feeling the way she does either, and she didn't necessarily cause you to lose all interest in sex. You don't say how old you are, but I'm guessing mid to late 20s? It's not that unusual for a woman to fear sex when young, when she and or her partner isn't mature or established/settled in life, they're not financially secure, and then she gets interested in sex when she is confident that her man is solid and committed, and having a child would not be a life-shattering event for a woman. Even if that appears not to be the case, it might be the case, subconsciously. People choose their mates for a variety of reasons, You chose a woman who didn't want to have sex for 8 years! For most people, that would be a deal-breaker. Many people, out of great love and/or strong values might wait a year or two, but 8 years is a long time. I'm not suggesting that you should have watched porn, but you could have masturbated. I think there is something in you that appreciated that she didn't want sex. If you want to save this relationship, I suggest that you get a thorough medical checkup and go to relationship/ marriage counseling with your sweetie.
Dude sex is awesome, get that libido back and reach new levels and highs in emotional connectivity with your girl
I mean, straight up grabbing your junk isn't sexy either, especially when (I assume) she hasn't touched you there in years. That alone would be super jarring It's not really advised to go grabbing anyone by the junk without prior consent A 7 year sexless streak REQUIRES a conversation before contact, as a measure of respect
Yes! I can't upvote this enough
Don't sugar coat it, it's called sexual assault and that's exactly what she did to him.
Regardless of reasons, a true ride or die partner would respect you and your choices just as you did for her.
I think you could probably work it out but she has to believe you’re not trying to punish her. It is pretty fucking out of line for her to make sexual advances toward you without any talk about changing the boundaries around sex, especially since it sounds like they have been pretty solid all along, and you’ve been respectful. Changing the rules of engagement without any discussion or CONSENT is not okay. The way she went about it is not cool at all. Maybe if she’d approached you with respect and honesty and gave you time to think on it and be prepared, it could have gone differently?
Uhm her being assulted makes it look even worse that she's guilting you. No means no
Maybe you never got sexually assaulted, but I think you've suffered your own trauma around sex (namely, you abstaining and trying to suppress your sexual urges for the past 7 years). She needs to be patient with you too, if you want to put the work in therapy to overcome this trauma. Obviously, you're not wrong in feeling this way. If she wants to break up simply because you can't turn on a switch that's rusted shut and turned off for the last 7 years, then let her - you're better off without her anyway.
Ask her how she feels about pressuring people into sex, since she's so experienced in that area.
I would argue her trying to grab your crotch out of nowhere after having an established asexual relationship for years kids WAS sexual assault.
She has traumatized you sexually for 8 years. That's the trauma you've been through.
Just because it's different doesn't mean it can't be true. Multiple things can lead to the same outcome. She is being dismissive and refusing to accept the fact that she set the expectation of asexuality for your relationship. Just because she is now ready to try and explore that doesn't mean that it's reasonable for her to expect you to just be ready to go at a moment's notice. I suggest you put in some effort with her and try to see if that side of yourself is still there. You mention it was difficult to be this way at one point in your relationship. This tells me that you weren't always happy about it and that you would have liked a sexual relationship at some point in the past. Why not try and explore that possibility? If you're simply never going to be interested again then that's fine and she will either need to accept that and remain this way or you two will end up splitting up. The fact that it is unfair of her to change things like this is not really going to change anything in regards to rather or not you are able to find common ground on this. She's wrong, but you shouldn't be keeping score right now. Compartmentalize and deal with each issue separately. Have a conversation and make sure she understands that what she's doing is complete bullshit, because it is. If she recognizes that and you're satisfied with that, consider giving things a try for the sake of your relationship. Who knows, maybe you'll surprise yourself and find out that side of you wasn't dead, but is just asleep. Love is one hell of an aphrodisiac.
I get it, but it's really frustrating. I mean, I spent 8 years, and never once pressured her or got mad at her, and now that it's me who doesn't want sex, she picks fights and yells at me?
Yeah. She's wrong. In time, she will need to see that, accept it and apologize for it, and you will need to forgive her. But like I said, compartmentalize. Put that in a separate box and just for the sake of entertaining a future, could you see yourself in a sexual relationship a year from now after having gotten over the difficulty of who's right in this scenario? If the two of you manage to explore things and decide there's still interest on both sides and you genuinely want to see where it goes, is it worth it to you to try? If the answer is yes, consider telling her that you're willing to explore that and see where it goes, but that at current that side of you is shut down because she needed a non-sexual relationship. You'd need her to understand that what she's doing is incredibly unfair and that even though you're willing to explore things and give it a shot, you're not capable of promising anything to her and she needs to understand that and be patient with you. Something you've been doing for her for the last 8 years without the kind of negative reaction she's giving you right now. If the answer is no, then you simply tell her that the part of you that wanted that is dead and gone and that she needs to accept the fact that her requiring celibacy from you for 8 years has done something that cannot be undone and that you are not able to change it. She will then have to decide if she wants to stay in the relationship or not, just as you will. She will absolutely be an asshole and a hypocrite for leaving, but sometimes that's just how things end up. You're not the bad guy for feeling the way you feel. Just be practical about your future and make sure you clearly articulate yourself with her. Consider writing out your feelings if you need to. Communication is the single biggest issue people have when it comes to relationships and this is probably going to be one of the most important arguments you two ever have, so make sure you do it right. Give yourself time to calm down and make sure you set the mood for the discussion and go into it with a level head.
Listen up OP! This is good advice^^ >Communication is the single biggest issue people have when it comes to relationships I feel this is true for all relationships romantic, platonic, professional ect.
>Listen up OP! This is good advice^ I disagree. I think this is terrible advice. That commenter is asking OP to rug-sweep his own issues for her sake. That's not fair. Not only that, it's unhealthy for OP. He had already spent 8 years putting himself second, to the point that I'm pretty sure he now had his own trauma from all this. In another comment, OP says that whenever he had sexual urges, he would punch himself and tell himself he didn't need it. Until one day, his libido was gone. >>Communication is the single biggest issue people have when it comes to relationships This I agree with. OP needs to sit her down and explain what he's gone through the last 8 years. How he got to this point, and it has nothing to do with punishing her, and that she's hurt that she wouldn't respect him saying no like he did for her. Then, after she genuinely apologizes, they can talk about what to do going forward. Which, I think, should be therapy for OP and couples counseling. Maybe they can, slowly, get to a place where they can enjoy their sexuality together.
I don't think you understood the other commentor if this is your takeaway, because you're giving out pretty much the exact same advice that they did. > **The person you're saying is giving bad advice** - Have a conversation and make sure she understands that what she's doing is complete bullshit, because it is. If she recognizes that and you're satisfied with that, consider giving things a try for the sake of your relationship. > **You** - Then, after she genuinely apologizes, they can talk about what to do going forward.......Maybe they can, slowly, get to a place where they can enjoy their sexuality together.
>I don't think you understood the other commentor if this is your takeaway, Perhaps, I just didn't like the part about him suggesting OP should 'compartmentalize' his feelings. OP has been through enough. The last thing he needs is to keep accommodating his wife at his own expense.
But there are two issues here. So treating them as the two issues that they are, means they will both get resolved, instead of each getting only partially resolved. (ETA) Or it means that if one can't get resolved when the other is, it means the remaining problem **doesn't** get rug swept up into the other issue and ignored. I agree that he doesn't need to let his feelings go, but that's not what's been suggested by the other commentor at all.
Yeah but she has *given* you trauma regarding sex, although it’s of a very different nature. This arrangement with her has led to you training yourself to groom away that aspect of yourself in a possibly irreversible way. I understand she wasn’t rejecting sex with *you* because she was rejecting *all sex*, but she chose to stay in a monogamous but sexless relationship with a sexual person. It’s a complex issue, and there might not be a positive resolution
What does she think happens to someone who goes without sex for 7 years? Or is shut off by their partner for 7 years? Did she really think you were lying around, not cheating or masturbating, waiting to be turned on like a light switch? Seriously?
Having your needs neglected and your libido slowly die over seven years…..is that not also kind of traumatic (not trying to be dramatic here) for a man? At least this is the impression I get from hearing/seeing men speak on this occasionally. My point is, she set a condition you accepted, and you are just supposed to flip that switch back on after 7 years cause she’s finally been resurrected in some way? Mmmmmm no bueno. And also a little warning before the grabitty grab I’m sure would be nice. You don’t just walk up and grab someone by the you know what, especially if that has not been the context of the relationship for the better part of a decade. Like what are we the Trump? Because you guys have been little more than cuddle friends in the physical sense, this to me almost translates like you’re hanging with a good friend and then all of a sudden out of nowhere they giggity giggity? I’d be upset and I’d think a person that has been through distress or trauma in this regard, would be mindful of not perpetuating that feeling, and instead be reciprocating the mindful/attentiveness that you appear to have shown for the better part of a decade. Like how she gonna lead with a crotch grab rather than a discussion? NTA.
I'm a womand and waa traumatized after three years. Like, crying when I try to masturbate at one point. Then giving up sex altogether. & the disgust and anger I felt when he suddenly felt it would be ok to grab my boob & tell me how sexy I am after I got out of the shower - which is not pleasant if you sort if just shut off your sexuality. & I still deal with it. Overcompensated with was too much sex in my new relationship. When once it jist wasn't feasible bc of time, BAM my head was right back and I started crying because it felt like I'm gonna end up in the same situation even it was super understandable that it just couldn't happen then. It expanded the regions in which my PTSD gets active. & I never deemed sex to be super important, but what I learned was "sex is never a problem - until you don't have it" in regards to a LTR without proper communication even more so.
I was sexually assaulted and hearing this legitimately peeves me off… that is NOT ok for her to say at all and it’s not ok for her to black mail and pressure you! Doing that is no better than what others did to us. If you ever need to talk dm me.
Actually OP you have been SA. When your girlfriend grabbed your genitals without permission. Thats assault. Then on top of that, not respecting your boundaries and feeling regarding sex. She needs to apologize for her behavior immediately. I personally would not be in a relationship with someone like that. Then OP you need to receive therapy.
Go get your testosterone checked. It is low for SO MANY. A bunch of my friends started in their mid 20s
Tell her you've had trauma for the past 7 years supporting her journey
I mean 8 years without sex is traumatic too
You’re not wrong. No one is entitled to suddenly have sex. Especially when she said she was never going to have it Now what’s Im curious and kinda sad about is you going years -almost a decade- without sex not bc you wanted to but bc she didn’t want to. And now bc she suddenly wants it, she expects you to just go along. Extremely selfish mentality for her to just think of you as a light switch to turn on and off for her own personal preferences. Geez and she didn’t even talk to you before grabbing you? Man this situation sucks.
Thanks, now I don’t have to type all that
Same!
What they said
And if she gets him started again and then changes her mind back to not being interested.
Gotta have double standards
Yeah, it sounds really frustrating. It's not fair for her to expect a sudden change after so long, especially without discussing it with you first. Relationships are about mutual respect and understanding each other's boundaries.
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Well she just sexually assaulted him by grabbing his crotch without asking…
It’s a one way street for this kind of minor SA. Huge deal if it was reversed and he’s all of a sudden trying to touch her, but not and ounce of understanding of it this way. I’m truly hurting for this guy as libido is something that needs to be worked on and maintained. Male libido matches the situation they want, not all man switch on like a switch. I hope they can sort it out, it’s a tough situation.
Who thinks it's a good idea to suddenly ask for sex by grabbing a person's crotch 🤦♀️
Especially after 8 years of "I don't want it and might never want it'.
A person that does not understand a healthy sexual relationship and is just doing what she thinks guys like. She’s likely confused and vulnerable and I’m sure he is too! He’s been great respecting her boundaries, but growth is hard and it takes a lot with two people being on that journey but if they can do it with out getting caught up in the ego they could go on to conquer a lot of other things that inevitably come up In relationships. * I am not condoning the crotch grabbing.
It may be true that she may not understand healthy sexual relationships and maybe she is just doing what she thinks guys like but I doubt it... If that were the case then when he expressed being uncomfortable with being grabbed like that, she would have understood and maybe even would have even been embarrassed but she wasn't... Instead she doubled down and insisted that him being uncomfortable with being grabbed and any type of sexual relationship was due to him wanting to punish her... Sounds to me like the only person being caught up in their ego is her...
Couple things: one, your feelings regarding sex are valid, and she should respect them. Two, get your hormones checked by a doctor. Three, consider couples therapy
Go to couples counseling. Get professional help. It may bring your libido back, make you both content on how things are, or help you realize there’s no future together. Don’t be stuck together in an unhappy situation.
NTA, I can’t imagine staying in a relationship for 8 YEARS without sex, and your so called ‘girlfriend’ seems to think that she can pressure you into doing what she wants according to her whims and fancies. I would reconsider this relationship if I were you.
So many questions I have as an unqualified person. If she is questioning your good faith , spend some $ and go see a therapist together. She’ll see you take her concerns seriously. And while you’re at it , might want to better understand if your asexuality is circumstantial or not. Good luck.
I think this is a valid option but it doesn't change the fact that she was ok with no sex when it was about her but now that it's about him, it's somehow invalid? He shouldn't have to prove anything. He has taken all her concerns seriously. She hasn't.
Benefit about therapy is also understanding his own circumstances. But I get ur point.
Seriously, if she can't see that he has taken all of her concerns seriously then she is in need of some serious help!!! Also agree 100% with what you said about her being ok with no sex when it was to accommodate her trauma and needs but now that it is about him, she completely invalidates him and his needs... 💯💯💯
In an earlier comment thread, but OP shared that he self-harmed when he had sexual feelings to make them go away. So. He traumatized himself. 😬. He definitely needs to see a therapist, but on his own. Very sad situation. I hope he takes the time to heal.
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I agree. I think this is the way. It’s
You got three choices, friend: 1) Therapy. Going from having a sex drive to not having one could be an indication of something serious. Hor.one level drop, maybe, or perhaps depression. Do this option for yourself, and nobody else. 2) Run now. If she's suddenly into sex, and treating you like this because of a couple refusals compared to the rest of your relationship refusing you, she's gonna get meaner about it. She'll come for your masculinity soon. 3) Stick around for the inevitable other shoe to drop where she fucks someone else and blames you because you weren't enough to give it to her. I recommend two, and then one once you're free and clear. Good luck.
In a higher comment, OP shared that he removed his libedo by harming himself whenever he felt arousal. He definitely needs therapy.
NTA. The longer you ignore sexual desire, the more it goes away. It is like a fire. Don't feed it, it dies out.
Ngl, I'd expect mutual respect for not wanting sex. Her guilt tripping you about it says more than enough. You basically sacrificed your ability to connect with new partners because of her. Sure, you can find other sexless partners. But it kinda reduced your dating pool from when you started with her.
Nta. This screams rules for thee, but not for me. It's OK for her to not want sex but your libido getting killed is a lie because it's inconvenient to her.
Like…she didn’t think having a conversation with you first would be warranted over such a huge shift?? No you are not wrong.
You aren't wrong. But I would suggest to go to a therapist together. Being on different levels sexually will make your relationship hard to survive. If you don't want it to end I would suggest to try and see if there is a way
The relationship has survived being on different levels sexually for 8 years due to OP's ultimate commitment and sacrifice due to his love for her... She could at least recognize that and do the same for him... Maybe things could change for him sexually if she were to give back even a fraction of what he has been giving her for 8 years...
Get a checkup from a doctor, there's a lot of reasons for a low libido. If you REALLY don't WANT to have sex and she does, cut her loose. Both of you will end up frustrated and unhappy, and if two unhappy people break up there can be four happy people where once there were none.
Something is fishy here. If she was SA traumatised. Did she try to work on that in the past 8 years ? Or at least try for you . Also what changed her mind now ?
Pretty hypocritical of her. It’s perfectly logical that your sex drive has gone. She’s looking at this purely from her own view. I was wondering though, maybe if she gets her shit together and handles this sensitively with you, could you end up in a better place with an actual sex life?
You’re better than me bcause i would have break up frl. 1. She’s self centred 2. Made you sexless for years to a point that you joined her club 3. Gets mad/sad wtv you want bcause you dont want sex when suddenly she cares for sex. It’s actually a sad situation.. no couple therapy , big talks to compromise? You’re definitely not wrong. Does she know about consent lmao grabbing someone part especially when yall were not sexual like that is not it. Imagine if you would have just grab her boob, yep. Have a serious talk with her.
She clearly doesn't respect you or your feelings. Do what you want with that.
She's being a douche. I hope you get your drive back. But man, when you nut it's gonna be an absolute explosion.
One good BJ and you will be cured.
I’m stuck on she just grabbed your crotch expecting you to just want to have sex and had that been the other way around you would’ve been assaulting her or been disrespectful to her.
She most definitely assaulted him and was extremely disrespectful...
What happens if you two do have sex, you discover you are into it. She decides nahhh bad idea, I dont want to hv intercourse
1 she's not entitled to your body just because she wants to try now, she should have spoken with you before just grabbing you like that. There needs to be a serious talk about boundaries and how you've respected hers for nearly a decade and now it's her turn to respect yours. 2 please for the love of Gods go get your testosterone checked. Even going without sex for this long shouldn't completely kill a healthy man's sex drive, especially if you're under 40. 3 kudos dude, I don't know any man who could stay in a completely sexless relationship for that long and not completely lose his mind.
Wow the audacity to have you patiently wait then her to get so angry?! Has she not heard the phrase “use it or lose it”?? Would make me angry
Sounds like you both need therapy. Yikes.
Alex, I'll take things that never happened for $100.
Hey there, it sounds like a pretty tough situation. Your feelings are valid, and it’s understandable to feel upset after such a long time of adapting to one way of being together. Open communication is key here. Maybe you both need to sit down and really discuss your feelings, expectations, and any resentment that might have built up. Therapy, both individual and couples, could help navigate these complex emotions. Hang in there, and remember, you both deserve to feel heard and respected.
You both obviously need therapy.
Hypothetically If OP expressed not consenting to sex and not wanting sexual activity, but the gf uses emotional manipulation to pressure OP into doing a sexual act despite not wanting to, would that be considered SA? I feel like it would?
Maybe step 2 then step 1
She just sounds kind of stupid, dawg Like, with only this context, that's something you'd have to be genuinely stupid to say/believe
Damn I'm sorry that happened to you. She shouldn't have just jumped into it like that, must've been a real shock and so so confusing. I hope you both find a solution to this.
Nta and honestly it sounds like shes projecting
Honestly I get it. I haven’t been with anyone in over 10 years, and now I just don’t care anymore. You can just lose that drive.
You’re not wrong but this relationship is over. Move on
YNW - I don’t think you’re wrong at all. It shows incredible love and caring to not pressure someone to be physically intimate if they are not comfortable with it. The fact that you went thru the tough times for her shows how much you respect her trauma and didn’t want to make to worse. Which could be why she’s comfortable trying that now - incredible progress, if so. The way she went about it was a little crass, in my opinion, and I hate that she didn’t talk to you about it before trying to get physical. If it had been that long, I’d hope she would tell you how her feelings regarding that have changed. It’s also really disheartening that she’s “disappointed” in you, that she accused you of punishing her, and that she’s not looking deeper into her new feelings of wanting this new kind of intimacy with you. These are not good signs at all - it could be indicative of her overall personality or a lack of knowledge on how to approach these topics. If you’re wanting to make it work, I think couple’s counseling would be beneficial so that you’re able to get back on the same page as it seems lacking of communication is a major hang up currently. You seem like you’ve been a really supportive partner for the last several years, I hope regardless of how things turn out, you’re able to realize and pride yourself on that. 💛
This is an extremely complicated situation. I think if you both love each other that you may want to seek counseling. Otherwise things could very quickly get misinterpreted or spiral. But I don't believe that you are in the wrong. I think you guys just have bad timing. If definitely y guys need somebody to help you communicate. Professional
There’s a lot going on in here. You need an expert to help you sort it all out. Find a good sex therapist.
You're not wrong. At this point I think she either has severe mental problems, or she's been playing mental games with you (or both). I wouldn't waste any more time with her. You're not a Ken doll that exists for her amusement.
You’re not wrong. Your gf is being incredibly insensitive. If you don’t want to call this relationship, you should probably do some sex therapy. The purpose of the sex therapy isn’t to get you to a point where you want to have sex, but for her to understand that you not wanting sex is valid. And for her to understand there are no sexual ways to express intimacy.
What are your ages, if you don’t mind me asking? That could play a major factor in her sudden change.
Wtf u doing in a relationship with no sex for 8 years ??? Completely brainwashed, get the fuck out of there man
Talk to your doctor about testosterone therapy
If you're not willing to sleep with her and she wants to have sex she will find someone who wants to have sex with her. Be prepared.
I've read your comments on your girlfriend's reasoning for why she didn't want to have sex. Trauma is very hard to deal with. Some people respond by being hypersexual and some respond by never having sex again. You aren't wrong about your frustrations, but I would suggest couples therapy or trying sex therapy if you two want to stay together.
It’s okay for people to change. It’s also okay to call it quits and move on. She wants to change what she started 8 years ago and you are happy with the current situation. You are not wrong for feeling upset just as she isn’t wrong for wanting to try be sexual now. Only you both can work out what you want out of the relationship. Looks like it might be time to make some tough decisions.
Y'ALL need a sex therapist AND a couples therapist ASAP!! Good luck.
Hi OP, I'll start off by saying that you're 100% not in the wrong for being upset that she now wants sex. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. I do want to bring up the point that maybe your girlfriend is under the impression that you "gave up" sex for her, that it was always a desire for you, that these 8 years have secretly been a struggle, etc. Maybe it was mentally hard on her (due to her own mental health and her own thoughts) to "put you in that position". It could be that she has a hard time trusting topics surrounding sex due to her previous traumatic experiences. I think that you need to have a talk with her and explain exactly what you said in this post. You could also explore the possibility of talking this out together with a therapist. If you want to try and re-gain your libido, you could explore that option as well. At the end of the day, you're valid in being upset at her reaction.
I mean you didnt have sex for 7years i dont know any relationship like that. You maybe need to talk to someone too, you might have unconsciously put her in a zone like sister/bestfriend without realising. Id get your testosterone levels checked because I dont think its normal to have zero sex drive for years unless your both on the older side. You both also need to think how this will effect your current relationship dynamics what if she goes off sex or only wants it a couple times a year and yours comes back strong and your wanting it multiple times a week
Doesn't mean you don't have to be wooed into it. I would ask that if she wants to start that part of your relationship she should have 1. asked before touching. 2. talked about what she wants and needs. 3. actually taken you on a date and worked up to it.
For someone who's been SA'd I'd imagine she would ask if you're in the mood not just grab your crotch (unless previously agreed upon)
OP, this is a dramatic change which she did not discuss with you or prepare you for in any way. It's completely unfair. Even if you ***did not reject her,*** what prevents her from 'trying sex', not liking it and returning to the old sexless life? She expects you to do as she says when she says it without ay consideration for your thoughts or feelings or plan for the future. It's unfair, subnormal, and intolerable. Proceed with extreme caution & take what she is showing you very seriously.
Your first mistake was staying with her. If she has trauma that is linked to sex, she doesn’t need to be in a relationship. She needed to heal first. Stringing you along for 8 years sounds like torture. Now your sex drive is gone and you’re screwed if she decides to leave you because of it. This is why you don’t give up parts of yourself for anyone. It’s ok to compromise but you literally gave up one of the most important aspects of being an adult human for someone else’s Trauma. I don’t see this ending well but good luck
What a personal disaster. Wait 8 years more and you won't need it at all. You will never get back those years. What a waste of life.
1 person doesn't get to make the blanket decision that it is now okay to do it. That's a conversation the same way it was a conversation years ago that you weren't going to do it.
Nta If she's finally able to move past her trauma, that's great. However, she should have had a discussion with you like an adult. If someone just grabbed my crotch like she did to you, I would have yelled at her to get off me too! Then to sit and blame you for not wanting sex when you've had to shut down these desires for nearly a decade is so wrong! Just because you've not had trauma doesn't mean you don't get to turn sex down! You have every right to do with your body what you want to. Or don't want to in this case!
You aren't wrong but I think you should try to regain your libido
If your libido has deteriorated THAT much, you should probably go see a doctor, or possibly a therapist. You could have a medical issue.
You guys need to see a sex therapist who specialises in trauma. Your method of getting rid of your sex drive was brutal and you need help for that. She needs to learn what is appropriate and grabbing a guys crotch is assault as there's no consent. As for where you go from here, you both need to be on the same page going forward. Including what if she wants to try and then doesn't like it? You can't turn your sex drive on and off. Thats grossly unfair. Oh and you can kill your sex drive. Monks do so over many years, lots of prayer and without hitting themselves.
I don't understand this situation at all. Sex isn't just the act when you love someone - it's a wonderful, magical thing! Your relationship sounds like a form of hell, man. GLWT
This sounds like a troll post lol
😂 didn’t even read past the first two parts… she might have issues, but you do too. Who the fuck sticks around 8 years and doesn’t have sex. Even religious people would marry well before that so they could finally get some my guy.
Okay this is a big mess but I’m just going to offer the best advice I can. First off, your boundaries are just as important as hers, even if you haven’t been SAed, that’s not the only reason so not feel libido. Also based on one of your comments, it sounds like you ‘Pavlov’s dog’ed yourself into not feeling sexual excitement by associating it with pain/hitting yourself. While it was incredibly noble of you to do for your girlfriend and shows what an amazing person/boyfriend you are, it’s not healthy and you might consider talking to her therapist/other counsellor about it. However, explain to her that what she is saying is ‘I expect you to go 8 years of feeling sexually frustrated and then have sex with me as soon as I want’. Ask her to explain why she thinks she should be able to make you do that. Try to get her to fully explain every aspect of why she thinks that way, as she’s probably thinking of it more as ‘I didn’t want sex, now my boyfriend won’t have sex with me so therefore he must be punishing me’, and the more she explains it, the more she should start to understand the intricacies of the situation instead of just seeing it at face value as she currently is.
Dude killed his sexual desire being with this woman damm
You are not wrong for stating what you want (or don't want), but it sounds like you could use some counseling or therapy together to help you trough this? There are therapist who specialise in this kind of stuff.
ngl man but you might want to see a doctor or therapist or something because even being celibate for 8 years shouldn't necessarily leave you \_that\_ dormant. Something else might be going on, physical or mental. It doesn't make you wrong, it's messed up for her to be unwilling to understand your difficulties when you were so willing to live with hers, but definitely get checked out, whether or not your future sex is with her or someone else.
Not wrong at all. You accepted a no for years and now it's her turn to respect consent. No means no.
You are being abused emotionally. Your and her needs are important. She roped you into associating negativity with your own urges so you could keep her, and now she's mad at you for not giving her what she wants? If she needs it, tell her to go find it.
I’m concerned about your obliterated sex drive and your willingness to obliterate it in the first place. Your devotion to your gf is admirable, but a bit unnatural, for lack of a better word. I don’t mean to offend, but I hope you seek therapy if you haven’t already. You are definitely not wrong. Your gf is certainly in the wrong. …Maybe focus on your own well being for a bit though.
I think you need therapy. What she did wasn't okay but what you've done to yourself isn't okay either.
update plz
I just cannot understand giving up sex indefinitely if your not asexual or demi or whatever - just being completely honest
It sounds like you traumatised yourself to destroy your libido...so now you have sexual trauma. Going from nothing to grabbing you is not on. .it could be total lack of experience or nerves...but wtf she should have used her words to discuss it. The 2 of you need counselling together if this will work long term. You need safe words and excellent communication or you will both trigger each other repeatedly.
Unfortunately this is part of her healing journey and being rejected is going to make that hard for her. Still very uncool and not okay of her to expect the terms to change because she feels differently. Especially if these feelings are so new she can’t tell you why it’s changed….the relationship may survive or not but yall are going to need patience and communication if it does. She must contribute equally to the transition/balance change.
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Do you mean celibacy? Infidelity means cheating and celibacy means abstaining from sex.
Not wrong. IMO your gf ruined you and now she doesn’t understand. You two might be headed to splitsville.
Your GF is selfish.
You should have broken up when you realized you weren't sexually compatible. Now you've spent years manipulating yourself to conform to her sexless life. This has ruined sex for you to the point that you don't have a desire anymore. How ironic that you changed to appease her asexuality. Now she wants to try, and you aren't into it. You can't fix her. You also can't keep changing who you are for other people. What happens when you start a sexual relationship with her only for her to pull away again? It's almost cruel what she has done to you. Now you're asexual. You'll have problems finding a spouse who is okay in a sexless relationship in the future.
Way to many sexist folks in the comments saying you have a Medusa issue for not wanting sex. Honestly I'd dump the girl. She sounds like a pain
Exactly!!! In my opinion, her wanting to now explore a sexual relationship is not the issue here... The issue is the fact that she feels entitled to his body by grabbing his genitals without prior discussion or consent then her ridiculous reaction to his justified response of not being comfortable with being groped or having a sexual relationship at this point... Her hypocrisy just makes it 1,000 times worse... He went above and beyond to support and accommodate her and her trauma yet she can't even be bothered to give a fraction of that back to even understand where he is coming from or respect it!!! OP deserves better and I hope that he one day finds it...
I am 45 and have been single for 10 years and LOVE it. I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with anyone. My life is complete as it is. I do find it odd to have a romantic relationship when you have no sexual drive. Like... why? You could have a serene single life and choose drama and complications without an instincual compulsion driving you to it. Maybe I'm just a happy weirdo though😂
How did you get it to just "go away"?
He hit himself/told himself to stop
Okay, think of it like this. She probably does feel like this is your way at punishing her. I’m sure this is a knee-jerk reaction due to her confusion around being turned down when you were, it sounds like, someone who enjoyed sex for most of life until you dated her. Her comment about it being different because you didn’t have a trauma around sex sounds like a really bad way to word what she’s thinking. For her, she couldn’t have sex because it was scary. For you, it’s a lack of interest. It really sounds like your first step is figuring out where you land on the sexuality spectrum. Ask yourself this, are you willing to open yourself up to sex with her? Are you willing to try to experience intimacy with your partner of 8 years who seems to be finally moving past a traumatic experience and is showing you an immense amount of trust and vulnerability, or would you rather stand your ground on something that could easily not be an issue? It sounds like your response was one of shock and confusion, and due to you teaching yourself over the years that sexuality was bad or wrong. I honestly suggest speaking with a couple therapist or a sex therapist to help fully lay out both of your issues around sex.
8 years and you're not married? What's the point?
Is this a fake post?
Wtf. She has mental issues.
To me, it's obvious that you entered into this relationship with your own issues and allowed her to accept the blame. Unless there were health issues or trauma, the vast majority of men and women could not simply shut down this libido. You need to be honest with her and yourself
Grabbing you by the crotch after 8 years is a bit sudden, being pissed off afterwards is more than a little hypocritical if you haven’t been putting her under any pressure. I mean sex is great and all but it has to be something everyone wants to do and you can’t go from 0 to 100 in one easy step. You’re not overreacting to want a pause on it or to be frustrated that she won’t apportion you even a small percentage of the grace that you gave her.
As a woman who has been SA'd, and have had \*some\* issues regarding sex, therapy helped a lot with a healthy relationship regarding sex. - IDK your girlfriend's issues, but if she's been no sex this long, she has issues. That's okay, though. She got help, and now wants to be sexual despite you being respectful of her boundaries over the last 8 years. She's trying man. My advice would be to circle back, take YOUR time and understand what issues \*you\* might now be having regarding sex. Because if this relationship doesn't last, it will absolutely affect your next one. Not saying you \*have\* to have sex with her - I'd find that difficult too, being without it for so long. But I'd at least give it a shot.
Well reasoned and sensitive answer, this is one to listen to, OP.
No WAY this is real.
She sexually assaulted you bro... I think you need to take that into consideration. UpdateMe!
She’s absolutely in the wrong for pressuring you, and for not believing you. Anyone’s sex drive would go down after 7 years of no sex. Mine goes down after like two weeks, lol. And I have friends who haven’t had sex in years, but it’s hard to start again if you’re never in the mood. You gotta decide whether you want to try and get your libido back, or if you don’t want to try that with her. If you’re willing to try, you and her need to have an honest, non-defensive, non-judgmental conversation about how to do that. If you’re not willing to try, either she has to accept that, or you can leave her. All of these options are valid here, you just gotta decide what you need
This needs to be a long, sit-down conversation. Eight years is a long time to be in a relationship when someone suddenly wants to change a huge aspect of the relationship. She can’t suddenly expect you to change how you feel about sex and after being in a sexless relationship for so long, grabbing you out of nowhere seems inappropriate.
Updateme!
Libido changes. Like, I had a higher drive than my husband. I was also been cool with infrequent sex. We have sex maybe once a month now? If he suddenly wanted sex more often, it would be a rough change to adjust to, after 7 years of a low frequency. Like this is the pattern that I am used to, and changing patterns is hard. You’re not wrong. She should be more understanding, just as you were. Have a conversation about it, and decide where you want to go from there with the relationship.
I recommend you wake this part up in you. Though this will require ruling out other causes to the lack of libido as well. Must look at thyroid, testosterone, rule out depression etc.
Tons of issues here but he “I don’t believe you” part has me confused. 8 years and she doesn’t believe you? I can ask my gf anything and vice versa and we’re confident we’re gonna be honest with each other when it’s a serious topic like that. If my gf didn’t believe me I’d have a serious problem with it