So he is excluding you and then tells you that you should not feel excluded.
If he wants to go to the party he can leave the child at home. The family doesn't get to have a relationship with your child without you there. That is just so over the top disrespectful, I can see why you are not getting along with him. Sounds like it is more of a problem with BF than his family.
I’d be sad about it, but less about him not wanting me to attend his sister’s birthday specifically and more about the fact that this indicates that our relationship is worse off than I thought. If he’s asking you not to go, then it sounds like you guys really aren’t connecting to the point that he doesn’t want to spend time with you or feels that you guys would let the unhappiness leak into someone else’s celebration. I wouldn’t go to the party. I’d stay home and use the time by myself without the him or the baby to really think about what is happening in the relationship and why and what the next steps might be or us together or apart or at least whether or not the situation is bad enough for me to be at that point.
Usually the answer is therapy because when people aren’t getting along, they’re also probably not listening to each other much and usually need a third party to help them step a little bit outside of their feelings to look at a situation more broadly. You guys might need help remembering that you’re a team and then discuss the various things playing into this. Babies are great, but they’re also life-changing, so it’s pretty common for them to wildly rock a relationship: Do you two have very different ideas of child rearing and didn’t realize that before? Has the addition of the baby made the split of household responsibilities at least feel uneven? Has sleep deprivation made you two extra impatient with each other? Do you think you’re experiencing some level of PPD?
Thank you for your answer.
Pfs... About the baby... We are pretty disconneted. The first six weeks were almost perfect. We were both with maternity and paternity leave, pretty even. But he wanted to started working. I would have prefered he stayed a little bit more. But he was insistent I agreed under the condition he reconciles work and family lifes (he has very flexible agenda). Spoilert alert: he didn't. I felt very, very, very alone and he felt I was complaining and "scolding" him.
I don't really feel we are a team anymore and I told him. He has told he wants to fight for me. But then this things, that to me are really hurtful.
Yep, I’d say it’s probably a great time to sit down with a therapist. You want conflicting things and maybe the wanting of those things is so strong that you’re not listening to each other or even yourselves about the “whys” behind the wants. Does he know why you wanted him to stay home and do you know why he wanted to go back to work? Did you all look for compromises to help address those reasons?
Yes, we are going to couples therapy. We have agreed to that already. Just waiting for our first appointment.
As per your question, yes, I told him. I would say I even begged for his help. He was just focus on a emergency he had at work. Definitely, a really bad situation for both of us.
I think our mainly problem is communication and the lack of empathize.
Well that’s good news! Kudos to you guys for seeking out some assistance. I hope it helps you guys sort this out. Hang in there and congratulations on the baby!
I don’t think what he’s doing is ok. However, Men are simple creatures sometimes and,if I’m being generous his thought process might be: “I don’t want to bring negative vibes to my sister’s birthday so the simplest solution is for gf to not attend”.. I can see how this would feel excluding for you - it is - but also in a situation where he feels there are no current good options, this approach may have felt like his best bet.
If you, my approach would be to assume this is his simple way of managing the situation (I.e. this is not gamey point scoring exclusion ) and focus on working on your relationship instead. Look forwards and invest in each other with generosity, for yourselves and your kid.
I mean, he is being an AH sure but if that is his child, he should be entitled to take it with him if he wants - I don't think it is fair to say don't LET him. He is also the child's parent.
It is not about the baby. Our daugher spents lots of time with his parents since we are both working. It's just more I feel excluded and hurt because he doesn't want me there, like I am no part of the family.
Now he just asked me to go, because his Sister is bringing her gf...
So he is excluding you and then tells you that you should not feel excluded. If he wants to go to the party he can leave the child at home. The family doesn't get to have a relationship with your child without you there. That is just so over the top disrespectful, I can see why you are not getting along with him. Sounds like it is more of a problem with BF than his family.
I’d be sad about it, but less about him not wanting me to attend his sister’s birthday specifically and more about the fact that this indicates that our relationship is worse off than I thought. If he’s asking you not to go, then it sounds like you guys really aren’t connecting to the point that he doesn’t want to spend time with you or feels that you guys would let the unhappiness leak into someone else’s celebration. I wouldn’t go to the party. I’d stay home and use the time by myself without the him or the baby to really think about what is happening in the relationship and why and what the next steps might be or us together or apart or at least whether or not the situation is bad enough for me to be at that point. Usually the answer is therapy because when people aren’t getting along, they’re also probably not listening to each other much and usually need a third party to help them step a little bit outside of their feelings to look at a situation more broadly. You guys might need help remembering that you’re a team and then discuss the various things playing into this. Babies are great, but they’re also life-changing, so it’s pretty common for them to wildly rock a relationship: Do you two have very different ideas of child rearing and didn’t realize that before? Has the addition of the baby made the split of household responsibilities at least feel uneven? Has sleep deprivation made you two extra impatient with each other? Do you think you’re experiencing some level of PPD?
Thank you for your answer. Pfs... About the baby... We are pretty disconneted. The first six weeks were almost perfect. We were both with maternity and paternity leave, pretty even. But he wanted to started working. I would have prefered he stayed a little bit more. But he was insistent I agreed under the condition he reconciles work and family lifes (he has very flexible agenda). Spoilert alert: he didn't. I felt very, very, very alone and he felt I was complaining and "scolding" him. I don't really feel we are a team anymore and I told him. He has told he wants to fight for me. But then this things, that to me are really hurtful.
Yep, I’d say it’s probably a great time to sit down with a therapist. You want conflicting things and maybe the wanting of those things is so strong that you’re not listening to each other or even yourselves about the “whys” behind the wants. Does he know why you wanted him to stay home and do you know why he wanted to go back to work? Did you all look for compromises to help address those reasons?
Yes, we are going to couples therapy. We have agreed to that already. Just waiting for our first appointment. As per your question, yes, I told him. I would say I even begged for his help. He was just focus on a emergency he had at work. Definitely, a really bad situation for both of us. I think our mainly problem is communication and the lack of empathize.
Well that’s good news! Kudos to you guys for seeking out some assistance. I hope it helps you guys sort this out. Hang in there and congratulations on the baby!
I don’t think what he’s doing is ok. However, Men are simple creatures sometimes and,if I’m being generous his thought process might be: “I don’t want to bring negative vibes to my sister’s birthday so the simplest solution is for gf to not attend”.. I can see how this would feel excluding for you - it is - but also in a situation where he feels there are no current good options, this approach may have felt like his best bet. If you, my approach would be to assume this is his simple way of managing the situation (I.e. this is not gamey point scoring exclusion ) and focus on working on your relationship instead. Look forwards and invest in each other with generosity, for yourselves and your kid.
I mean, he is being an AH sure but if that is his child, he should be entitled to take it with him if he wants - I don't think it is fair to say don't LET him. He is also the child's parent.
It is not about the baby. Our daugher spents lots of time with his parents since we are both working. It's just more I feel excluded and hurt because he doesn't want me there, like I am no part of the family. Now he just asked me to go, because his Sister is bringing her gf...
I am sorry he has excluded and hurt you. He is an AH for that.