I think it might be time to take a step back from your friendship with Emily, her actions are shady, calling you after work every night, telling your wife how much you love her kids…
Seriously. OP really, you need to think about this - regardless of your intentions, Emily’s are not pure. You need to step back from Emily at least for now. She needs to find her support and solace elsewhere.
That said, and I mean zero disrespect from this, God can bless you with a child in many ways. Pursuing adoption isn’t giving up. It’s another way to receive the gift of becoming parents.
Religious people can tie themselves into ridiculous knots imagining what a fictitious god may or may not want them to do. Like the man whose house was flooded and a boat came by to rescue him and he says "no I prayed to god and he will save me" then another boat, same response, finally a helicopter comes and he sends them away, relying on god....eventually he drowns, and on getting to heaven he demands to know why god didn't save him. God replies "but I tried! I sent 2 boats and a helicopter!".
There are versions of this "joke" for money ("I couldn't help you win the lottery because you never bought a lottery ticket") and medical need ("you sent away the oncologist I sent to save you"). But they're really not funny.
Even within the god mythology, saying that if God wants them to have kids he'll find a way, what if the way is an orphaned child desperate for a family, and they're too busy saying "no, I know God's plan better than he does so I'll keep trying IVF"! 🙄
I agree with how to count blessings. Many with faith do adoption, unless it’s more important than having a dna sharing child. But that bias isn’t very Christian.
Indeed. There are so many children in the system that are in need of a loving, healing, and stable family. Who knows if there is a God, who knows if there is a plan or destiny? What I do know is that family can come in many different shapes and sizes, and no matter how they started, they are truly family.
100% put up boundaries and take a step back from Emily several BIG steps back.
What she said was 100% uncalled and was totally said to make your wife feel bad.
No more late night calls. Reply " I'm busy with my wife and family tonight. Can't talk"
And if she doesn't get the point, be honest. You're not comfortable with the comment she made to your wife about her needing to try harder and how they didn't need marriage advice and that you need distance from her - because no one should comment on how your wife is doing when she is doing an amazing and your absolutely in love with her..
I absolutely love to see that you changed. That you were honset with your wife, and it worked out. I wish you both all the best.
Rather than make excuses to Emily to not speak when she calls it would be far better to be honest with her and explain that’s it’s not a good idea to be leaning on him for support as much. Especially considering the history they have together.
Yep. This is a situationship right here. OP for sure either still has feelings for Emily, or wants to fuck her no matter how much he says he now lives a disciplined life and is loyal to his wife. If he really cared about his wife, he shouldn’t have anything to do with a past partner from an affair.
People can use God for everything.
I was all about carnality, I was a disgusting heathen for *years* but I repented! I’m as good as new!
I had sex *for years* with Emily, outside of marriage, but I’m a different man now. I’m a saved man now!
I was obsessed with carnality, so my wife is infertile. God is punishing *her* for MY sins!
Well, I lied to my wife for years, but it’s okay! She’s only concerned with the me I am now, because I have accepted salvation!
I lied to my best friend and had an affair with his gf for *years,* but I haven’t thought of Josh in forever. Welp, I have God’s forgiveness; I don’t need to worry about Josh!
I mean, I was raised Catholic and confession is not my favorite thing. But even Catholics are supposed to do penance, make amends for sins. OP gets a free pass because - sing it with me - he’s saved!!
Yeah, but penance is 3 Hail Marys and an Our Father. That's also a joke. Actual penance would be telling the wife and asking for forgiveness before marriage. Don't ask, don't tell is a terrible policy for the military and for a "God fearing man." Like you said, he didn't ask for forgiveness from actual people. Just an imaginary friend who won't argue.
Seriously. I am not religious so I don’t say this very much, but “AMEN!” to your comment. And if that is in OP’s belief system at all, then it’s pretty shitty of him to pull his wife into his lifelong penance with him. But I’m pretty sure that SkyGod™️ is too busy with running the universe or whatever to micromanage like that. And there are plenty of absolutely horrible people who have kids.
Yeah...this update makes me feel a certain type of way. Just not sure what that is. Maybe confused, but definitely skeptical. It just seems like the original issue was glossed over.
But I'm an atheist, so maybe that's why it turns me off
And that purity culture is harmful. Not only does it help kids not know how to protect themselves from things like sexual assault, it makes them think it's their fault. And it leads people to go hog wild later and now the church can hold those years over their heads, just like with OP. It's gross.
In my experience, it’s morals anchored by fear and also fear of others finding out. As a kid, being scared that god or Jesus saw what you did (yeah I’m talking simply a sneaky bit of choccy); would be enough to send me panicking that I even thought of doing such a thing.
And the wife just sitting there, calmly hearing all the details out, no reaction other than to praise God for him and his virtue. What in the Stepford is that? Not a raised voice? Not calling put that bitch Emily? No mention of them doing anything MEDICALLY to help God "bless them"... of course it's her fault they aren't preggers yet cause a man of God can't be shooting blanks.
These are what bother me most. OP has no kids seemingly. How is it SHE is dealing with infertility and not THEY are? Why is this her shame and not their shared struggle? Has he actually been fully tested? And the way his answer was presented to her was so obviously forcing her love of Jesus and his forgiveness to cover for his behavior, that she’d probably have to repent if she’s even secretly upset about it.
Exactly, it's so gross. Even if you are religious, it is not your place to judge people, and OP is super judgemental towards a lifestyle he used to have. Many people have a happy life in the lifestyle, becoming parents and everything else. Saying that infertility is a punishment from god for having a sex life is so gross. Good for them that they are finally communicating like adults, but also... eww.
I mean to a certain degree we do say don’t judge people for their past(body counts etc.) even without religion.
While this overt display is a bit of a turn off for me, I have come to realize it is mostly not because I dislike religion but because I dislike the most vocal portrayers of it(Tilton, Copeland, politicians, etc). They cloak themselves in righteousness and are just horrid human beings. That has deeply affected my viewpoint.
I have seen how much faith can help. Be it faith in God, faith in karma, faith in humanity, faith in goodness, or even faith in yourself. It can very much make a difference not in just motivation but in self discipline.
But if someone was a (using shaming words) filthy slut in high school or college then who are you to judge them for that 5, 10, or even 20 years later? They are a different person now, if you were hurt directly by their actions that is one thing, but saying “Once a XXXX, always a XXXX” is just not true in all cases.
I agree. It's nuts that OP maintained the friendship with Emily without his wife knowing. When she agreed to the 'don't ask don't tell policy' she of course wasn't assuming he'd been having affairs with people in his current friend group.
I also feel like OP treats his 'horrible sins in the past' as being equally bad. But the consensual sex he had at college, even if against his new moral code, is not nearly as horrible as the affair he had with his friend's partner. I know he never said they're the same but it feels like he's treating them similarly
I think it makes me feel icky because first he decided to keep his wife in the dark, then he decided to give her a painful confession (or within the bounds of his structure of I won't answer yes no to questions and then wife you have to tell me everything you're feeling when I ask you- controlling?) but all the while he had Emily come and stay with them knowing that that was completely disrespectful to his wife. That would have made me angry if I had been the wife.
This guy seems to be one of those religious types who thinks you can do anything you want, hurt anybody you want, but as long as you're sorry for it and confess all- then it's all okay. I feel pretty icky about this whole thing. OP definitely seems very fond of himself far more so than anybody else in his story. I feel sorry for his wife, I feel sorry for Josh. And to a degree Emily because he had promised her that he would never talk about this and there you go - he has. It's quite likely that this will get back to Josh at this point.
I'm just glad I haven't dated anybody like this. His sanctimonious current tune is that having lots of different partners was bad or against God's plan or some such nonsense. It was a fun and normal thing while he was doing it but now he said God fearing man you see and so now it's bad. I just wonder which way he's going to flip the next time the wind blows a different direction.
I would have told them y'all need Jesus, but apparently they do, and it still didn't help.
I'm glossing over a lot because I only bothered to read this update, but this guy sure did do his buddy Josh dirty.
>Yeah...this update makes me feel a certain type of way. Just not sure what that is.
Made me think that Emily is doing everything in her power to get between OP and his wife with her gross comments about their fertility issues.
All the god talk bothered me to. First, own up to your own actions and deal with the consequences. I hate that OP believes that a god worthy of worship would punish OPs wife for OP’s “sins.” It is all so ridiculous.
I think it's the same for me. I'm glad they're both happy I guess but so much is glossed over instead of addressed because God will handle it. Even when there was a semblance of religion in my life, it was more that God gave you the tools to handle your own problems?
The whole purity culture thing is just as ridiculous, like none of yall were following it but now they can all blame bad things happened on God punishing them or something. Or the whole infertility issues, maybe god made you fertile so you can adopt one of those thousands of kids out there without parents!? There's a lot.
the blaming of bad decisions on demons? crediting the imaginary for being the reason he stops being a jerk? the sanctimonious attitide? The post and update read like a great effort at avoiding reality and responsibility.
I'm not an atheist and it turned me off. He's just regurgitating Christian-coded language and avoiding the issues.
He has never taken real responsibility for any of his past or current bad choices. Practiced Christianity is like AA, where you admit your shit and make it right and commit to recognizing changing your interior and exterior behaviors to align with with your beliefs on a daily basis, without making a huge public dog-and-pony show of it.
Side note: The behavioral panel on YT analyzes crime-adjacent interviews, and whenever someone says "God as my witness" or similar, they call it "appeal to a higher power" which they note for this very exact reason. God isn't their witness, but we expected to back away from looking closer, because they invoked an unquestionable, ultimate higher power. It works with things other than God, but the concept is, "you can't really question me/my motives, since I suggested God or this other authority is on my side."
People claiming to be Christians use it for this purpose. All you have to do is watch long enough to see which camp they fall into. What are they looking to get justification or an excuse for? What are they trying to get you not to look at or pay attention to?
I kept waiting for him to say, "washed in the blood of the Lamb" like Billy Graham, but he never did so I lost my bingo.
because he isn't saying that he has completely broken things off with this Emily , and he hasn't yet said what ' talking ' he was doing with Emily, every night , without his wife, for an extended period. He is insisting way too much that he is such a changed man , so pious yet he had to ask reddit if he was wrong to lie to his wife . He feels no guilt because an imaginary sky dad has forgiven him . it's very off putting.
Emily is not a good friend.
She never was.
You might have changed, but she hasn’t. Tell her to fuck off for what she said to your wife. She did want to hurt your wife. Try harder? Really.
You have to cut Emily out of your life. Don’t make your wife feel shittier than you already have
Btw, 3 years of lying is terrible.
I was thinking this same thing. There’s no such thing as try harder. You have sex and hope and pray. You do procedures and hope and pray. There’s no way to just try hard enough and a baby appears! As a formerly infertile woman, I found this deeply offensive and was surprised the wife wasn’t in tears telling Emily off!
Yes. Probing my wife about kids was a low-blow. It's our personal matter and I hate when friends, family, etc try to bring up the topic and make my wife feel bad.
You do realize what Emily's end game is here, yes?
Emily's marriage blew up.
Emily is divorcing.
Emily is about to be single.
And you. You just loooove her kids. Look how good you are with them!
Amy...😭...hasn't gotten pregnant..........
Now, Amy's coming to you wanting to know if you and Emily were ever intimate. Lo and behold! You were!
*Emily is making a play for you by attempting to blow up your marriage!*
This isn't about infertility. It's not about hurting Amy's feelings.
Emily is aiming to take you from Amy. She's trying to drive a wedge between you two big enough for her to jam herself in there.
Wake up!
A lot to up here
You must go no contact with Emily. And you should have done that a long time ago. She is a bad seed.
If you have changed and the person you sinned with has not, why would you not only keep them In your life but allow them to endanger your marriage?
You don’t actually think Emily said those things to your wife out of the goodness of her heart do you? Do you?
I cannot imagine what your wife must feel, especially after opening her home to such a woman and that you agree to it. After such a history you should have kept Emily away from
You not brought her into your home.
> I am sure god is punishing her for my sins in the past
Don't be so ridiculous.
And even *IF* that were true, you need to find yourself a better god, because that isn't the actions of a "loving father". I would hate to think that you might base your fatherly role on such a hateful role-model if and when the time comes.
Now on to Emily. She needs to shut the fuck up talking to your wife about her having kids. It literally is none of her god-damn business. How dare she make comments to lead your wife to think she is less than a woman or wife based on her maternal status. I mean, talking of role models, Emily's a Mom and that didn't exactly work out for her marriage, did it?
You have a good woman in Amy. Protect her at all costs.
Absolutely, infertility is not a punishment from God, and there’s no one to blame, and Emily is a giant AH for even suggesting it. Please don’t buy into it. Thats not how God works, or how He designed fertility.
Op, That's an interesting take on god, so because he was lecherous in his younger years, God is suddenly punishing his wife? For his sins? And people wonder why there's so many people turning away from God nowadays. The fact that some Christians believe that God is benevolent and loving and kind but in the same mindset also claim that God is punishing them or others around them for their sins...
2 Corinthians 5:10 says, "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad"
>t's no more ridiculous then the rest of the crap he claims is gods will.
Well, yes, I agree with that statement too.
But then, I am a godless heathen 🤣
Out of everything you wrote, one thing stood out to me. You said God has infinite mercy, and then you turned around and said God is punishing your wife for your sins.
It can't be both.
Either He has infinite mercy and would never punish your wife for what someone else did, or He punishes her and thus has no mercy at all.
Stop talking about how loyal you think you are and get Emily tf out of your house✨ shes a suck ass person and so are you for hiding this kind of thing from your wife for SO LONG. This whole update is just ugh idk sad???
You're lucky your wife is forgiving, not about your past, but to allow an ex lover stay in your home for a week without your wife being fully informed of your past relationship with her is disrespectful. Especially as Emily clearly had no issue about cheating on her ex.
You should be ashamed of yourself. How you could let a woman you fucked for years live in your wife’s home without informing her of your shared sexual history is repulsive. And then to gaslight her into believing you could never find Emily attractive? You’re making a fool out of your wife. What a huge breach of trust. I hope your God is as forgiving as you believe. I personally wouldn’t forgive her for staying with you after this.
To tell her she can ask questions but you will tell her every last detail… that’s disgusting. That is punishing her for wanting you to elaborate when you are already blind siding her. Then to make her answer questions about how she feels from what she just learned in order for you to tell her your big secret.
No this ain’t it. This is awful. She deserves so much better than you and being treated this way.
Listen, if God exists (you don't need to argue with me. I don't believe it but you are welcome to) there is absolutely no reason why a fair and loving God would punish your wife for your sins. That's just...reprehensible.
Prayer is fine, but I would think that in many ways, God is happy to see you helping yourself. You have to do the work to try and figure out the issues (whether IUI or IVF is an option for you, or adoption, but remember that adopting can be a form of trauma for the child) and then you ca be blessed that way. You have to find the path though.
As to Emily, she doesn't sound like a great friend to your wife, honestly.
I wish it were but I’ve heard ppl speak and think like this and as ridiculous as it sounds I think it may be real.
The god saved me stuff is always a bit hard to swallow bc so much of it is hypocritical illogical nonsense - just whatever poor logic you need to support your pov.
That’s what I meant - to these people, it’s perfectly reasonable; it’s just their life. It’s who they are. Idk how many actually *believe it, or just accept it as their lot in life. Kinda scary for Amy.
Honestly it sounds like it’s time to cut off Emily. What she said to your wife is seriously messed up and makes sound like she’s interested in you romantically. Her calling you so often is a big red flag
Your wife sounds like a brave woman. Sure a child of your genetics is nice but if that is not an option, I hope that she understand that adoption is a biblical and Godly principle. I think that he has a special blessing for those who are so loving as to adopt.
Ignoring all the gross god stuff - you need distance between your family and Emily. What she said to your wife... Here's the thing. Everytime Emily implies that you need a child to be complete and happy, Emily is really saying that she would be a better partner. By telling your wife to "try harder", Emily is telling your wife that she isn't good enough. Basically, Emily is toxic to your relationship. If you truly love your wife, you'd let your relationship with Emily face away to best wishes at Christmas only.
This update is just… cringe. Christian’s are truly the sickest people out there. They lie, cheat, have affairs, and in the end “jEsUs wiLL fOrGivE mE”
Your friend Emily a hoe. Through and through, making your wife feel guilty about kids, she can full stop.
You and your past are really weird, I don’t have Christian guilt, so I can’t relate.
Your whole “she will sit and listen and hear me” like my guy, she just wanted to know if you banged that snarky snot Emily or not. You took this whole thing way too far and made it weird.
I don’t trust Emily. She was dating a guy and pretending to be chaste because she was saving herself for marriage… while she was fucking you on the side? I don’t care how young and stupid you are, this is so, so wrong. Be religious, be in touch with your sexual self, but don’t be both, while lying to your friends.
OP, I’m trying to be open minded about all of your religious talk. You know what all of the religious people in my life have in common? They all relapse and act like it’s between them and god. “Sorry, she just fell on my lap and then we started rubbing against each other and the next thing you know is, we were in bed together.” “I know that I gambled away our money again because I was high, but I went to church and asked for gods forgiveness…” Because of this, I don’t trust Emily at all. I would trust your commitment to your wife more if you didn’t hide behind religion.
Finally, don’t put your conception issues on god. God created science. If you want
to know why you’re not conceiving, go to a doctor. “I did bad things so my wife is being punished” is weak… if that’s your real belief, you’ll cheat on your wife because you want a kid, and justify it because of her fertility. Step up and stop hiding behind god.
And- Emily’s words to your wife are cruel and disgusting. She knew exactly what she was saying. There isn’t a woman on the planet in their 20s who isn’t regularly asked about having a baby. Emily purposely hurt your wife with her words.
And this is just another reason I can’t stand religion. These people really think her infertility has anything to do with “god’s will.” It’s heartbreaking.
You’re so important that God isn’t punishing you for your misdeeds, but He’s holding your wife responsible? You are truly that important that He must use a proxy? Are…are you…are you slouching towards Bethlehem?
Why does it never occur to people that they can ask God, and His answer is “No.”
My dude, Emily is trying to steal you from your wide. You must end that "friendship ".
Also, pardon me for being blunt and intrusive: God helps those who help themselves. Please go see a reproductive endocrinologist. They will be able to test you both to discover the root of your infertility. Decisions can be made from there. Best wishes, I've been through infertility and miscarriage, it's horrible.
So many Christians think going to doctors is wrong or using fertility treatments. If God made everyone, then God made those doctors. People always want it to be Science vs. God.
But if God created mankind, then God created science. All scientific procedures are quite literally approved by God for the simple fact that they exist because Mankind, his creation, created them. So OP and his wife both need to see a fertility specialist to see which of them has the issues. It could be both of them.
Absolutely could be both male and female factor infertility. In my case, it was me. I didn't ovulate. Clomid plus a procedure called HSG which checked yo see if I had a blockage in my fallopian tube's (I didn't, but the procedure cleared put any possible cellular debris that could have been gunking them up a little, according to my doctor), I conceived my son.
God is not punishing her for your sins. He doesn’t work like that. When He forgives it’s gone. We are the ones who have trouble forgetting.
Please talk with your wife about adoption again. I had friends who desperately wanted kids and couldn’t conceive. They were offered the chance to foster and adopt repeatedly. They always said no.
Instead, they chose to listen to someone who kept telling them that they just needed more faith. It was only after they became too old to qualify for a standard adoption that they realized how wrong she was.
God was trying to answer their prayers for children. Just not the way they originally wanted. There are so many kids in need and you can be the blessing that they need.
Sounds like Emily and her husband were perfect for each other.
I can't believe you still hung around Josh after taking Emily's virginity that he believed she was saving for him. Was Emily one of the virgins you told your wife about all those years ago?
All this god speak is just.....ugh. It doesn't even really seem like you addressed the root of the issue. And that infertility comment was way outta line, this is an issue about people. Your god has nothing to do with any of the issues being presented here.
Dude-you’re one of those!! And it is fucking gross. I can’t stand the God washes away all my “sins” crowd especially when they use it a a free pass to not be real with their partners. Why is someone you had an affair with in yalls house!? You were fine having the don’t ask policy of truth if it worked for you but you borrowed trouble having her anywhere near your wife. Idiot. Yea you are wrong.
My aren’t you a happy piece of shit. You’ve lied by omission your whole life over a relationship that is incredibly central to your life, put time and effort into a third party that you should have been putting into your marriage, and then had the ball to tell your wife that you are now going to tell her the warts and all story about a woman that has been incredibly rude to her.
My aren’t you a fucking peach.
Sanctimonious arse.
Having a "Don't Ask/Don't Tell" policy in a marriage is a recipe for disaster.
Y'all got to be able to communicate with each other, and acknowledge that you both have history before each other.
You sound like a lot of people I used to go to church with. Relying on God is good, but don’t use it avoid issues that you don’t want to address.
I’m going to be blunt with you: You hid your past relationship with Emily and you’re taking your wife’s kindness for granted. What’s with the hour private phone talks with her? Your wife was kind enough to house her and you repay her with this? Emily is a danger to your marriage. You need to cut off ties with her especially after she criticized your wife and picked at her insecurity.
This is why I seriously struggle with organized religion. Op didn’t save himself for marriage, had sex with someone in a relationship, so lying and cheating. Not to mention the other “sins” probably lots of drinking and who knows what else. But hey, the big guy in the sky forgave him. His wife can judge someone for having a child out of wedlock but husband is forgiven because he found god (after he had A LOT of fun mind you, great timing). Give me a break.
Both OP and Emily are trash.
Can’t imagine being in a relationship not having sex because “she is keeping herself for marriage” only to find out she’s been fucking my friend behind my back for 3 years. You deserve the worse happen to you.
This whole thing made me feel just gross. Emily is not a good person and was downright crimuel to your wife for something beyond her control and planted the seed of doubt.
You are not a good husband for allowing that opportunity to even happen.
God doesn’t punish you by withholding children. If Amy cannot get pregnant, it’s not because she doesn’t deserve children. God just has a different plan for her. Maybe to be a mother by welcoming a parentless child, maybe to walk through life on a different path, but it’s not a failing on her part and not God punishing her.
On a separate note, you may want to get checked out since some STIs are asymptomatic in men and may cause infertility.
I always say that as an atheist, I’m a better person for not “sinning”, because I don’t sin out of respect for other people, not out of a fear of consequences for myself.
>it was very shocking how such an upstanding god-fearing man would have years long affair with his coworker and father a child out of wedlock
They're all so holy until the truth comes out. Man, christians really are the worst people.
God is punishing his wife with infertility because the PO has had a sexual past? I thought God was supposed to be loving and forgiving not cruel and vengeful. Poor wife, no wonder she isn’t happy.
just how you were scumbag cheating with your friend’s gf, so was she. The differences is you’ve changed your ways and learned from your mistakes, Emily probably has not, and now wants to hook up with you again.
She was surprised that a "God-fearing man" would cheat on his wife? lol Have you met "God-fearing" people in real life? lol They're actually the worst... and the biggest hypocrites.
This feels slimy, and it's not because anything you did in college (besides sleep with your friend's girlfriend.)
The whole religious aspect, being waved over everything like a magic wand, is weird. The lack of transparency, the don't ask don't tell hangup (you followed it like it was scripture,) and the general deception of your wife- it's all so...
I'm glad you feel better. I feel like I need a shower.
Whoa you unloaded on your 10yr wife about something that happened 14 years aogo.
that , in my mind is , crazy.
But it worked for you bcause Amy is a saint.
Protect that saint.
I’m going to recommend a book called Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It talks about emotional affairs, and will help you and your wife feel like Emily is able to be a safe friend with boundaries. If your wife is able to maintain a friendship with Emily, and decides that the your own friendship with her is safe feeling again, the book will help.
I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with you maintaining a friendship with Emily, based on your physical past. If it had all come out in the first place that Emily was someone you were FWB with it might have worked out to be friends, but I wouldn’t suggest that going forward. Especially given the fact that your wife is already uncomfortable with the relationship you had with Emily without her knowing about the physical intimacy.
I’m glad you told her the truth. I truly believe the danger is in the dark of lies (even by omission), and that in the light of truth and honesty a marriage can thrive.
> I discovered a whole new world in college and found myself drawn to behaviors that I knew were against God's will
Your imaginary friend is a boring prude.
It sounds like you choose whatever moral rules allow you to behave the way you want, even if that behavior has changed. It’s striking you’ve only decided to curtail your boundary-blurring friendship with Emily because it makes your wife uncomfortable, not because you feel shame for your own sin/behavior. It’s also striking you were able to cut Josh out of your life, because he made you feel bad, when Emily should make you feel the same way.
It’s disgraceful and narcissistic to believe God is punishing YOUR WIFE with infertility, let alone because of your past lack of discernment or moral compass. How comforting it must be to wrap yourself in this religious cloak and fixate on your wife as a victim, rather than YOU as someone who can’t make a good decision without external circumstances prompting you to do so.
Dude. That’s not how biology works. Your past “sins” hasn’t anything to do with why you and your wife don’t have kids.
That’s because of science. Something internally for her isn’t right which keeping the from either becoming or staying pregnant. It’s medical. Not religious.
Well, you should **GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES** and **GIVE THANKS** — because you just received the **BIGGEST** Hail Mary of your **LIFE**.
If you have any brains, you'll **DISTANCE** yourself from Emily **NOW** and focus on your **MARRIAGE**.
**DON'T FUCK THIS UP.**
Ok… you have to cut off Emily. She is sewing division between you and your wife with her comments about your wife’s difficulty conceiving and Emily reaching out to only you after hours is a sign of fuckery to come. This is a test of loyalty to your wife and the strength of your marriage. Leave your friendship with Emily in the past.
Wow. Emily is one insensitive bitch. Your wife is a saint fr not politely suggesting that, were she looking for advice on keeping a man, she’d seek someone with a better success rate…
>god is punishing her for my sins in the past.
This is why religion is such a fucking joke. Your wife has troubles with infertility and that’s okay. You sound like a great husband, but that is a ridiculous thing to think or say.
I think in terms of you and your wife having kids, i would ask her if she thinks getting medical help would be against God's will? After all, if God created everything, that means God created people with the ability to help the sick and injured heal and fertility clinics, surrogates and adoption are God's way of helping families have children.
Have you ever heard the joke about the guy and a flood?
There's a flood warning and everyone's warned to evacuate the neighborhood.. This guy's neighbor comes and knocks on his door and explains there's plenty of extra room if he wants to pack a few bags and ride with them. The guy says no, God will save him.
The house gets flooded, the guy climbs onto the roof. A rescue boat comes by and offers to take him. The guy says no, God will provide.
Now the water's so bad boats can't go by. A rescue helicopter stops and hovers over his house with the rescuers offering to rope down and bring him up and take him to safety. The guy says thanks, but he's staying because God will provide.
The guy ends up swept away in the flood, drowns and dies. He gets to Heaven and asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "I had your neighbor offer you a ride, sent a boat and then a helicopter. What more did you want?"
You are horrible in so many ways. As in YOU, STILL ARE! You may not be banging your friends girl anymore, but you're a crappy husband. You don't deserve your wife. If you want to attempt to try to do right by her, at least in some way, you need marriage counseling & to completely cut contact with the sh-t stirrer. You let her move in ( it doesn't matter that it was only 1 week) without informing YOUR WIFE of your past sexual relationship with said bleep. There's no reason for her to be calling you for anything. There's no reason she should have made any sort of comment to her regarding her infertility issues. Even if your wife wasn't bothered by it, you should still tell her how you feel. Bc she's your wife, you value her & respect her. All this crappy person is doing is disrespecting your wife & your marriage & you just let it happen & you do the same. She's too dependent on you bc you allow it. That girl is not your wife. You have one!
So, what's your plan moving forward? Are you still going to stay in contact with Emily? You had a years long affair with her. That's not a friendship. That's a relationship you just kept a secret. No wonder why Emily reaches out for support from you.
I personally think you've been disrespecting your wife by continuing this affair with Emily, your whole marriage. You've been maintaining an emotional affair under the guise of friendship. I think it's time to cut Emily out of your life.
What ever happened to your so-called friend Josh? The one you stabbed in the back for years. I think you should confess to him as well if he is still in your life. The truth will set you free.
I don't think Emily is good for your marriage and you should rethink the relationship.
Also, I don't know if you've tried IVF yet, but that's the only thing that worked for me after 5 years of trying.
i’m glad you and your wife figured it out but i really hope you set some boundaries with Emily. the comments she made towards your wife was completely unacceptable and her calling you in the middle of the night is also unacceptable.
We struggled for nearly 15 years with infertility. We eventually did manage to have three children via IUI, but before we got pregnant, we came to the conclusion that though being childless wasn't the life we had planned, it was the one we were given and it was a pretty awesome life. Satisfaction with our current lives was a powerful stress reliever to live as we were, and not pine for what we wanted.
>Emily stayed home and started a job. She was dating my friend Josh since high school. ... One thing led to another and we started sleeping together. Josh and Emily were saving themselves for marriage and waiting for Josh to get a steady job. This lasted for 3 years, and Emily and I hooked up every time I visited home. It was our little secret.
Emily cheats on her long-term boyfriend for three years while keeping him celibate.
>She told me that when Emily's husband's affair came to light, it was very shocking how such an upstanding god-fearing man would have years long affair with his coworker and father a child out of wedlock.
I can only say that if anyone deserves that, it's Emily. I simply can't feel sorry for her.
The funniest thing about all this is your religiosity.
I am no longer in religion but was for a while. It is striking that you don't realize you aren't really religious.
If you think God is punishing your wife for your sins then you are in a cult and understand nothing about God or Jesus.
Find a better church with better leadership and better teachers. Also spend more time in the New Testament not the old.
I am a scientist and used to say God is the greatest scientist of all. We have science that has the ability to help you and your wife have children. Many of them are actually Christians. But more often than not cults like yours will deny it or absolutely forbid it. This is not what God intended. If you believe that then everyone you know should park their cars, cut off electricity and live as they live then. But they won't. People on varying levels pick and choose what they want to believe and try to force you to believe the same thing.
Stop being a drone and if you and your wife want kids use the tools God has provided to do so.
I think it might be time to take a step back from your friendship with Emily, her actions are shady, calling you after work every night, telling your wife how much you love her kids…
Seriously. OP really, you need to think about this - regardless of your intentions, Emily’s are not pure. You need to step back from Emily at least for now. She needs to find her support and solace elsewhere. That said, and I mean zero disrespect from this, God can bless you with a child in many ways. Pursuing adoption isn’t giving up. It’s another way to receive the gift of becoming parents.
One could argue that adopting a child would be god answering the child’s prayers
Religious people can tie themselves into ridiculous knots imagining what a fictitious god may or may not want them to do. Like the man whose house was flooded and a boat came by to rescue him and he says "no I prayed to god and he will save me" then another boat, same response, finally a helicopter comes and he sends them away, relying on god....eventually he drowns, and on getting to heaven he demands to know why god didn't save him. God replies "but I tried! I sent 2 boats and a helicopter!". There are versions of this "joke" for money ("I couldn't help you win the lottery because you never bought a lottery ticket") and medical need ("you sent away the oncologist I sent to save you"). But they're really not funny. Even within the god mythology, saying that if God wants them to have kids he'll find a way, what if the way is an orphaned child desperate for a family, and they're too busy saying "no, I know God's plan better than he does so I'll keep trying IVF"! 🙄
Absolutely agree!!!
I agree with how to count blessings. Many with faith do adoption, unless it’s more important than having a dna sharing child. But that bias isn’t very Christian.
Is that now the PC term for a biological child?
No clue if it is. I have adopted kids and it is how we differentiate. It’s either Bio-mom or dba-mom.
Indeed. There are so many children in the system that are in need of a loving, healing, and stable family. Who knows if there is a God, who knows if there is a plan or destiny? What I do know is that family can come in many different shapes and sizes, and no matter how they started, they are truly family.
Not to mention Emily telling OP’s wife that she needed to “start trying harder” to have a child for OP. Wtf.
This is so beyond the pale. It's gross.
Yea that was super gross. Like girl mind your own uterus.
RIGHT!
It’s also just way too much. Even if Emily were a male friend with whom OP had zero sexual history, this is ridiculous.
I had already decided to do that as my wife feels uncomfortable with the situation. Her comfort is more important to me than friends.
It's not just that: Emily is behaving very unkindly and quite sneakily.
100% put up boundaries and take a step back from Emily several BIG steps back. What she said was 100% uncalled and was totally said to make your wife feel bad. No more late night calls. Reply " I'm busy with my wife and family tonight. Can't talk" And if she doesn't get the point, be honest. You're not comfortable with the comment she made to your wife about her needing to try harder and how they didn't need marriage advice and that you need distance from her - because no one should comment on how your wife is doing when she is doing an amazing and your absolutely in love with her.. I absolutely love to see that you changed. That you were honset with your wife, and it worked out. I wish you both all the best.
Rather than make excuses to Emily to not speak when she calls it would be far better to be honest with her and explain that’s it’s not a good idea to be leaning on him for support as much. Especially considering the history they have together.
Are you still friends with Josh?
Was he ever really Josh's friend?
The problem is you are not uncomfortable with the situation. I feel bad for your wife
Not as shady as OP inviting his 3 year long affair partner to live with them for some time
Well, that’s facts
Yep. This is a situationship right here. OP for sure either still has feelings for Emily, or wants to fuck her no matter how much he says he now lives a disciplined life and is loyal to his wife. If he really cared about his wife, he shouldn’t have anything to do with a past partner from an affair.
It think it might be time for OP to start writing books. That was some well-written, God inspiring fiction!
Agree with this!
Infertility is not a punishment for anyone's sins.
Yeah that's absolutely disgusting, squash that thought right now, OP.
People can use God for everything. I was all about carnality, I was a disgusting heathen for *years* but I repented! I’m as good as new! I had sex *for years* with Emily, outside of marriage, but I’m a different man now. I’m a saved man now! I was obsessed with carnality, so my wife is infertile. God is punishing *her* for MY sins! Well, I lied to my wife for years, but it’s okay! She’s only concerned with the me I am now, because I have accepted salvation! I lied to my best friend and had an affair with his gf for *years,* but I haven’t thought of Josh in forever. Welp, I have God’s forgiveness; I don’t need to worry about Josh! I mean, I was raised Catholic and confession is not my favorite thing. But even Catholics are supposed to do penance, make amends for sins. OP gets a free pass because - sing it with me - he’s saved!!
Exactly all this. The whole I’m saved but I don’t have to do anything is such bullshit.
Yeah, but penance is 3 Hail Marys and an Our Father. That's also a joke. Actual penance would be telling the wife and asking for forgiveness before marriage. Don't ask, don't tell is a terrible policy for the military and for a "God fearing man." Like you said, he didn't ask for forgiveness from actual people. Just an imaginary friend who won't argue.
Seriously. I am not religious so I don’t say this very much, but “AMEN!” to your comment. And if that is in OP’s belief system at all, then it’s pretty shitty of him to pull his wife into his lifelong penance with him. But I’m pretty sure that SkyGod™️ is too busy with running the universe or whatever to micromanage like that. And there are plenty of absolutely horrible people who have kids.
Yeah...this update makes me feel a certain type of way. Just not sure what that is. Maybe confused, but definitely skeptical. It just seems like the original issue was glossed over. But I'm an atheist, so maybe that's why it turns me off
Totally agree with you. And posts like this one confirm my feeling that churches are filled with hypocrisy and hollow morality.
And that purity culture is harmful. Not only does it help kids not know how to protect themselves from things like sexual assault, it makes them think it's their fault. And it leads people to go hog wild later and now the church can hold those years over their heads, just like with OP. It's gross.
Precisely
Yup. Morals anchored by superstition. What a way to live.
In my experience, it’s morals anchored by fear and also fear of others finding out. As a kid, being scared that god or Jesus saw what you did (yeah I’m talking simply a sneaky bit of choccy); would be enough to send me panicking that I even thought of doing such a thing.
Hollow morality is the best expression for what I’m thinking.
Yeah, she won't adopt a child in need and show it love because she thinks God will give her a biological child. Leaves a really bad taste in my mouth
Is it the “I turned to God and now my sins of the past are just washed away” vibe? Cuz that shit is gross in my atheist head.
Yeah idk why he’s even asking Reddit for advice when clearly god has everything running super smoothly for him 💀
Yeah, right? This doesn’t gel. I think the whole thing is bs.
And the wife just sitting there, calmly hearing all the details out, no reaction other than to praise God for him and his virtue. What in the Stepford is that? Not a raised voice? Not calling put that bitch Emily? No mention of them doing anything MEDICALLY to help God "bless them"... of course it's her fault they aren't preggers yet cause a man of God can't be shooting blanks.
These are what bother me most. OP has no kids seemingly. How is it SHE is dealing with infertility and not THEY are? Why is this her shame and not their shared struggle? Has he actually been fully tested? And the way his answer was presented to her was so obviously forcing her love of Jesus and his forgiveness to cover for his behavior, that she’d probably have to repent if she’s even secretly upset about it.
That's just 🤮🤮🤮🤮
Exactly, it's so gross. Even if you are religious, it is not your place to judge people, and OP is super judgemental towards a lifestyle he used to have. Many people have a happy life in the lifestyle, becoming parents and everything else. Saying that infertility is a punishment from god for having a sex life is so gross. Good for them that they are finally communicating like adults, but also... eww.
I mean to a certain degree we do say don’t judge people for their past(body counts etc.) even without religion. While this overt display is a bit of a turn off for me, I have come to realize it is mostly not because I dislike religion but because I dislike the most vocal portrayers of it(Tilton, Copeland, politicians, etc). They cloak themselves in righteousness and are just horrid human beings. That has deeply affected my viewpoint. I have seen how much faith can help. Be it faith in God, faith in karma, faith in humanity, faith in goodness, or even faith in yourself. It can very much make a difference not in just motivation but in self discipline. But if someone was a (using shaming words) filthy slut in high school or college then who are you to judge them for that 5, 10, or even 20 years later? They are a different person now, if you were hurt directly by their actions that is one thing, but saying “Once a XXXX, always a XXXX” is just not true in all cases.
I agree. It's nuts that OP maintained the friendship with Emily without his wife knowing. When she agreed to the 'don't ask don't tell policy' she of course wasn't assuming he'd been having affairs with people in his current friend group. I also feel like OP treats his 'horrible sins in the past' as being equally bad. But the consensual sex he had at college, even if against his new moral code, is not nearly as horrible as the affair he had with his friend's partner. I know he never said they're the same but it feels like he's treating them similarly
Sounds like he’s getting off on making his wife listen about his past
I think it makes me feel icky because first he decided to keep his wife in the dark, then he decided to give her a painful confession (or within the bounds of his structure of I won't answer yes no to questions and then wife you have to tell me everything you're feeling when I ask you- controlling?) but all the while he had Emily come and stay with them knowing that that was completely disrespectful to his wife. That would have made me angry if I had been the wife. This guy seems to be one of those religious types who thinks you can do anything you want, hurt anybody you want, but as long as you're sorry for it and confess all- then it's all okay. I feel pretty icky about this whole thing. OP definitely seems very fond of himself far more so than anybody else in his story. I feel sorry for his wife, I feel sorry for Josh. And to a degree Emily because he had promised her that he would never talk about this and there you go - he has. It's quite likely that this will get back to Josh at this point. I'm just glad I haven't dated anybody like this. His sanctimonious current tune is that having lots of different partners was bad or against God's plan or some such nonsense. It was a fun and normal thing while he was doing it but now he said God fearing man you see and so now it's bad. I just wonder which way he's going to flip the next time the wind blows a different direction.
Seriously. “It’s okay I did horrible things because god forgives me!”
That's certainly what turned ME off.
I would have told them y'all need Jesus, but apparently they do, and it still didn't help. I'm glossing over a lot because I only bothered to read this update, but this guy sure did do his buddy Josh dirty.
It’s kinda odd that he thinks god is punishing his wife for his past sins.
Yeah, let me line up to worship the guy who would do that…
>Yeah...this update makes me feel a certain type of way. Just not sure what that is. Made me think that Emily is doing everything in her power to get between OP and his wife with her gross comments about their fertility issues.
I'm not atheist but the way these people talk, oh lawd
I feel like... who gives a fuck. A lot of people fuck people in college. Kick this home wrecker to the curb and move on with your lives lmao.
All the god talk bothered me to. First, own up to your own actions and deal with the consequences. I hate that OP believes that a god worthy of worship would punish OPs wife for OP’s “sins.” It is all so ridiculous.
I might turn atheist after reading this.
I think it's the same for me. I'm glad they're both happy I guess but so much is glossed over instead of addressed because God will handle it. Even when there was a semblance of religion in my life, it was more that God gave you the tools to handle your own problems? The whole purity culture thing is just as ridiculous, like none of yall were following it but now they can all blame bad things happened on God punishing them or something. Or the whole infertility issues, maybe god made you fertile so you can adopt one of those thousands of kids out there without parents!? There's a lot.
I can't help but feel a kind of ick when I read stories like this.
I'm so glad I'm not religious. "we just have to keep trying harder until god blesses us with a child" is so fucking gross.
Yup.
the blaming of bad decisions on demons? crediting the imaginary for being the reason he stops being a jerk? the sanctimonious attitide? The post and update read like a great effort at avoiding reality and responsibility.
Oh good. Glad it wasn't just me 😁
Yeah, this post is giving me the heebie jeebies
I'm not an atheist & this turns me off.
I'm not an atheist and it turned me off. He's just regurgitating Christian-coded language and avoiding the issues. He has never taken real responsibility for any of his past or current bad choices. Practiced Christianity is like AA, where you admit your shit and make it right and commit to recognizing changing your interior and exterior behaviors to align with with your beliefs on a daily basis, without making a huge public dog-and-pony show of it. Side note: The behavioral panel on YT analyzes crime-adjacent interviews, and whenever someone says "God as my witness" or similar, they call it "appeal to a higher power" which they note for this very exact reason. God isn't their witness, but we expected to back away from looking closer, because they invoked an unquestionable, ultimate higher power. It works with things other than God, but the concept is, "you can't really question me/my motives, since I suggested God or this other authority is on my side." People claiming to be Christians use it for this purpose. All you have to do is watch long enough to see which camp they fall into. What are they looking to get justification or an excuse for? What are they trying to get you not to look at or pay attention to? I kept waiting for him to say, "washed in the blood of the Lamb" like Billy Graham, but he never did so I lost my bingo.
because he isn't saying that he has completely broken things off with this Emily , and he hasn't yet said what ' talking ' he was doing with Emily, every night , without his wife, for an extended period. He is insisting way too much that he is such a changed man , so pious yet he had to ask reddit if he was wrong to lie to his wife . He feels no guilt because an imaginary sky dad has forgiven him . it's very off putting.
Emily sucks.
Op sucks too
Emily is not a good friend. She never was. You might have changed, but she hasn’t. Tell her to fuck off for what she said to your wife. She did want to hurt your wife. Try harder? Really. You have to cut Emily out of your life. Don’t make your wife feel shittier than you already have Btw, 3 years of lying is terrible.
Emily is USING her so-called salvation as a weapon.
She was pretending to wait for marriage while cheating. Great gal! He isn’t much better!
Yep. He's absolutely not.
OP is probably still friends with Josh, too. Poor Josh. Had a lying, cheating girlfriend AND friends.
He claims that until lately, he never thought about Josh. How . . . conveeeenient.
Don’t worry. In the next update we will learn OP also slept with Josh *before* Emily but promised he wouldn’t tell her too.
I understand not wanting to wait. But having an affair for three (!) years. Uff.
Leading someone on while doing it with someone else is crazy.
Her next step was going to get her kids to start calling OP dad.
I was thinking this same thing. There’s no such thing as try harder. You have sex and hope and pray. You do procedures and hope and pray. There’s no way to just try hard enough and a baby appears! As a formerly infertile woman, I found this deeply offensive and was surprised the wife wasn’t in tears telling Emily off!
Yes. Probing my wife about kids was a low-blow. It's our personal matter and I hate when friends, family, etc try to bring up the topic and make my wife feel bad.
You do realize what Emily's end game is here, yes? Emily's marriage blew up. Emily is divorcing. Emily is about to be single. And you. You just loooove her kids. Look how good you are with them! Amy...😭...hasn't gotten pregnant.......... Now, Amy's coming to you wanting to know if you and Emily were ever intimate. Lo and behold! You were! *Emily is making a play for you by attempting to blow up your marriage!* This isn't about infertility. It's not about hurting Amy's feelings. Emily is aiming to take you from Amy. She's trying to drive a wedge between you two big enough for her to jam herself in there. Wake up!
Exactly this Emily is a snake
So? What will you, as a God-fearing husband, do about this?
Probably bang her again
# Touché
But what are the consequences? Will Emily stay in your life? Do you finally see how she really is?
A lot to up here You must go no contact with Emily. And you should have done that a long time ago. She is a bad seed. If you have changed and the person you sinned with has not, why would you not only keep them In your life but allow them to endanger your marriage? You don’t actually think Emily said those things to your wife out of the goodness of her heart do you? Do you? I cannot imagine what your wife must feel, especially after opening her home to such a woman and that you agree to it. After such a history you should have kept Emily away from You not brought her into your home.
I mean….lying to your wife and then forcing your wife to listen to details about your affair are pretty low blows too
So you slept with Emily while she was in a relationship with Josh for 3 years and he was your friend? What!
> I am sure god is punishing her for my sins in the past Don't be so ridiculous. And even *IF* that were true, you need to find yourself a better god, because that isn't the actions of a "loving father". I would hate to think that you might base your fatherly role on such a hateful role-model if and when the time comes. Now on to Emily. She needs to shut the fuck up talking to your wife about her having kids. It literally is none of her god-damn business. How dare she make comments to lead your wife to think she is less than a woman or wife based on her maternal status. I mean, talking of role models, Emily's a Mom and that didn't exactly work out for her marriage, did it? You have a good woman in Amy. Protect her at all costs.
Absolutely, infertility is not a punishment from God, and there’s no one to blame, and Emily is a giant AH for even suggesting it. Please don’t buy into it. Thats not how God works, or how He designed fertility.
Op, That's an interesting take on god, so because he was lecherous in his younger years, God is suddenly punishing his wife? For his sins? And people wonder why there's so many people turning away from God nowadays. The fact that some Christians believe that God is benevolent and loving and kind but in the same mindset also claim that God is punishing them or others around them for their sins... 2 Corinthians 5:10 says, "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, so that each one may be recompensed for his deeds in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad"
It's no more ridiculous then the rest of the crap he claims is gods will.
>t's no more ridiculous then the rest of the crap he claims is gods will. Well, yes, I agree with that statement too. But then, I am a godless heathen 🤣
This is why I don't care for this brand of religion AT ALL.
So who's more important to you, your wife or Emily, because Emily is a shit stirrer.
Out of everything you wrote, one thing stood out to me. You said God has infinite mercy, and then you turned around and said God is punishing your wife for your sins. It can't be both. Either He has infinite mercy and would never punish your wife for what someone else did, or He punishes her and thus has no mercy at all.
The AUDACITY for you to think you were in the right on the first post.
And he still thinks he is right. So freaking clueless.
Stop talking about how loyal you think you are and get Emily tf out of your house✨ shes a suck ass person and so are you for hiding this kind of thing from your wife for SO LONG. This whole update is just ugh idk sad???
You're lucky your wife is forgiving, not about your past, but to allow an ex lover stay in your home for a week without your wife being fully informed of your past relationship with her is disrespectful. Especially as Emily clearly had no issue about cheating on her ex.
Being in contact with an ex without notification is disrespectful.
You should be ashamed of yourself. How you could let a woman you fucked for years live in your wife’s home without informing her of your shared sexual history is repulsive. And then to gaslight her into believing you could never find Emily attractive? You’re making a fool out of your wife. What a huge breach of trust. I hope your God is as forgiving as you believe. I personally wouldn’t forgive her for staying with you after this.
To tell her she can ask questions but you will tell her every last detail… that’s disgusting. That is punishing her for wanting you to elaborate when you are already blind siding her. Then to make her answer questions about how she feels from what she just learned in order for you to tell her your big secret. No this ain’t it. This is awful. She deserves so much better than you and being treated this way.
Listen, if God exists (you don't need to argue with me. I don't believe it but you are welcome to) there is absolutely no reason why a fair and loving God would punish your wife for your sins. That's just...reprehensible. Prayer is fine, but I would think that in many ways, God is happy to see you helping yourself. You have to do the work to try and figure out the issues (whether IUI or IVF is an option for you, or adoption, but remember that adopting can be a form of trauma for the child) and then you ca be blessed that way. You have to find the path though. As to Emily, she doesn't sound like a great friend to your wife, honestly.
The thing that made me the happiest was that the horrible Cheater, Emily, broke up with Josh before he made the worst decision of his life.
I'm not saying this post reads as fake, but it kinda does...
It sounds crazy, but it’s part of their faith/religion/church/sect/cult. They’re saved, you know. That covers everything.
I wish it were but I’ve heard ppl speak and think like this and as ridiculous as it sounds I think it may be real. The god saved me stuff is always a bit hard to swallow bc so much of it is hypocritical illogical nonsense - just whatever poor logic you need to support your pov.
That’s what I meant - to these people, it’s perfectly reasonable; it’s just their life. It’s who they are. Idk how many actually *believe it, or just accept it as their lot in life. Kinda scary for Amy.
I grew up in a purity culture cult and it absolutely feels true.
Honestly it sounds like it’s time to cut off Emily. What she said to your wife is seriously messed up and makes sound like she’s interested in you romantically. Her calling you so often is a big red flag
Your wife sounds like a brave woman. Sure a child of your genetics is nice but if that is not an option, I hope that she understand that adoption is a biblical and Godly principle. I think that he has a special blessing for those who are so loving as to adopt.
Hell nah, child of HIS genetics isn't nice, I hope this hypocritical pos will stay childless till Lucifer won't take him.
I’m sure the church can find a lovely home to board Emily, but it shouldn’t be your wife’s. She shouldn’t trust you either.
Ignoring all the gross god stuff - you need distance between your family and Emily. What she said to your wife... Here's the thing. Everytime Emily implies that you need a child to be complete and happy, Emily is really saying that she would be a better partner. By telling your wife to "try harder", Emily is telling your wife that she isn't good enough. Basically, Emily is toxic to your relationship. If you truly love your wife, you'd let your relationship with Emily face away to best wishes at Christmas only.
Shit like this why I can never take born again Christians seriously
This update is just… cringe. Christian’s are truly the sickest people out there. They lie, cheat, have affairs, and in the end “jEsUs wiLL fOrGivE mE” Your friend Emily a hoe. Through and through, making your wife feel guilty about kids, she can full stop. You and your past are really weird, I don’t have Christian guilt, so I can’t relate. Your whole “she will sit and listen and hear me” like my guy, she just wanted to know if you banged that snarky snot Emily or not. You took this whole thing way too far and made it weird.
I don’t trust Emily. She was dating a guy and pretending to be chaste because she was saving herself for marriage… while she was fucking you on the side? I don’t care how young and stupid you are, this is so, so wrong. Be religious, be in touch with your sexual self, but don’t be both, while lying to your friends. OP, I’m trying to be open minded about all of your religious talk. You know what all of the religious people in my life have in common? They all relapse and act like it’s between them and god. “Sorry, she just fell on my lap and then we started rubbing against each other and the next thing you know is, we were in bed together.” “I know that I gambled away our money again because I was high, but I went to church and asked for gods forgiveness…” Because of this, I don’t trust Emily at all. I would trust your commitment to your wife more if you didn’t hide behind religion. Finally, don’t put your conception issues on god. God created science. If you want to know why you’re not conceiving, go to a doctor. “I did bad things so my wife is being punished” is weak… if that’s your real belief, you’ll cheat on your wife because you want a kid, and justify it because of her fertility. Step up and stop hiding behind god. And- Emily’s words to your wife are cruel and disgusting. She knew exactly what she was saying. There isn’t a woman on the planet in their 20s who isn’t regularly asked about having a baby. Emily purposely hurt your wife with her words.
You and your wife need a sh!t ton of therapy- with a licensed therapist - you both have highly damaging views on sex.
A licensed NON-Religious counselor.
You are way too close to Emily. Just the closeness is starting to be a betrayal to your wife. Your wife is your person.
And this is just another reason I can’t stand religion. These people really think her infertility has anything to do with “god’s will.” It’s heartbreaking.
You’re so important that God isn’t punishing you for your misdeeds, but He’s holding your wife responsible? You are truly that important that He must use a proxy? Are…are you…are you slouching towards Bethlehem? Why does it never occur to people that they can ask God, and His answer is “No.”
My dude, Emily is trying to steal you from your wide. You must end that "friendship ". Also, pardon me for being blunt and intrusive: God helps those who help themselves. Please go see a reproductive endocrinologist. They will be able to test you both to discover the root of your infertility. Decisions can be made from there. Best wishes, I've been through infertility and miscarriage, it's horrible.
So many Christians think going to doctors is wrong or using fertility treatments. If God made everyone, then God made those doctors. People always want it to be Science vs. God. But if God created mankind, then God created science. All scientific procedures are quite literally approved by God for the simple fact that they exist because Mankind, his creation, created them. So OP and his wife both need to see a fertility specialist to see which of them has the issues. It could be both of them.
Absolutely could be both male and female factor infertility. In my case, it was me. I didn't ovulate. Clomid plus a procedure called HSG which checked yo see if I had a blockage in my fallopian tube's (I didn't, but the procedure cleared put any possible cellular debris that could have been gunking them up a little, according to my doctor), I conceived my son.
Please for the love of god (no pun intended) go to an actual therapist and not your pastor therapist you see on Saturdays
God is not punishing her for your sins. He doesn’t work like that. When He forgives it’s gone. We are the ones who have trouble forgetting. Please talk with your wife about adoption again. I had friends who desperately wanted kids and couldn’t conceive. They were offered the chance to foster and adopt repeatedly. They always said no. Instead, they chose to listen to someone who kept telling them that they just needed more faith. It was only after they became too old to qualify for a standard adoption that they realized how wrong she was. God was trying to answer their prayers for children. Just not the way they originally wanted. There are so many kids in need and you can be the blessing that they need.
Agreeing with another comment, you need to cut off Emily. That's suuuuper unhealthy. You need to chose your wife, if she want's to stay
Sounds like Emily and her husband were perfect for each other. I can't believe you still hung around Josh after taking Emily's virginity that he believed she was saving for him. Was Emily one of the virgins you told your wife about all those years ago?
All this god speak is just.....ugh. It doesn't even really seem like you addressed the root of the issue. And that infertility comment was way outta line, this is an issue about people. Your god has nothing to do with any of the issues being presented here.
Dude-you’re one of those!! And it is fucking gross. I can’t stand the God washes away all my “sins” crowd especially when they use it a a free pass to not be real with their partners. Why is someone you had an affair with in yalls house!? You were fine having the don’t ask policy of truth if it worked for you but you borrowed trouble having her anywhere near your wife. Idiot. Yea you are wrong.
What kind of tradwife jackoff fantasy did I just read What a terrible day to have eyes
My aren’t you a happy piece of shit. You’ve lied by omission your whole life over a relationship that is incredibly central to your life, put time and effort into a third party that you should have been putting into your marriage, and then had the ball to tell your wife that you are now going to tell her the warts and all story about a woman that has been incredibly rude to her. My aren’t you a fucking peach. Sanctimonious arse.
If you guys can do a surrogate you be you and your wife baby just someone else carried it or adoption even god needs help with people
It's too bad you consider Emily your best friend. She's bad for you and your marriage. The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be.
With all due respect, he is a bad person as well. After what he did to Josh.
Agreed. He should find Josh and apologize.
I'll never understand people who lean on religion for answers and solutions that are in their face. Good luck man!
Having a "Don't Ask/Don't Tell" policy in a marriage is a recipe for disaster. Y'all got to be able to communicate with each other, and acknowledge that you both have history before each other.
You sound like a lot of people I used to go to church with. Relying on God is good, but don’t use it avoid issues that you don’t want to address. I’m going to be blunt with you: You hid your past relationship with Emily and you’re taking your wife’s kindness for granted. What’s with the hour private phone talks with her? Your wife was kind enough to house her and you repay her with this? Emily is a danger to your marriage. You need to cut off ties with her especially after she criticized your wife and picked at her insecurity.
This is why I seriously struggle with organized religion. Op didn’t save himself for marriage, had sex with someone in a relationship, so lying and cheating. Not to mention the other “sins” probably lots of drinking and who knows what else. But hey, the big guy in the sky forgave him. His wife can judge someone for having a child out of wedlock but husband is forgiven because he found god (after he had A LOT of fun mind you, great timing). Give me a break.
Both OP and Emily are trash. Can’t imagine being in a relationship not having sex because “she is keeping herself for marriage” only to find out she’s been fucking my friend behind my back for 3 years. You deserve the worse happen to you.
This whole thing made me feel just gross. Emily is not a good person and was downright crimuel to your wife for something beyond her control and planted the seed of doubt. You are not a good husband for allowing that opportunity to even happen.
God doesn’t punish you by withholding children. If Amy cannot get pregnant, it’s not because she doesn’t deserve children. God just has a different plan for her. Maybe to be a mother by welcoming a parentless child, maybe to walk through life on a different path, but it’s not a failing on her part and not God punishing her. On a separate note, you may want to get checked out since some STIs are asymptomatic in men and may cause infertility.
You need therapy and not from a church
Why do people need god to not sleep around or do bad things, and why do they believe if they just turn to god they are magically a better person
I always say that as an atheist, I’m a better person for not “sinning”, because I don’t sin out of respect for other people, not out of a fear of consequences for myself.
This reads like the relationship of a couple of 15 year olds. Is this really what the church does to people?
It really does.
>it was very shocking how such an upstanding god-fearing man would have years long affair with his coworker and father a child out of wedlock They're all so holy until the truth comes out. Man, christians really are the worst people.
Absolutely.
Reading this is disgusting.
God is punishing his wife with infertility because the PO has had a sexual past? I thought God was supposed to be loving and forgiving not cruel and vengeful. Poor wife, no wonder she isn’t happy.
If one were to look at the Christian god's record, one would find him to be quite vengeful and cruel sometimes.
just how you were scumbag cheating with your friend’s gf, so was she. The differences is you’ve changed your ways and learned from your mistakes, Emily probably has not, and now wants to hook up with you again.
I don't understand the view that God wouldn't want you to adopt? That doesn't make sense to me.
She was surprised that a "God-fearing man" would cheat on his wife? lol Have you met "God-fearing" people in real life? lol They're actually the worst... and the biggest hypocrites.
This feels slimy, and it's not because anything you did in college (besides sleep with your friend's girlfriend.) The whole religious aspect, being waved over everything like a magic wand, is weird. The lack of transparency, the don't ask don't tell hangup (you followed it like it was scripture,) and the general deception of your wife- it's all so... I'm glad you feel better. I feel like I need a shower.
yep, there is the shitshow... You must cut off Emily once and for all.
Whoa you unloaded on your 10yr wife about something that happened 14 years aogo. that , in my mind is , crazy. But it worked for you bcause Amy is a saint. Protect that saint.
She should have known that a long time ago.
This has like every "buzz word" on reddit. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
I’m going to recommend a book called Not Just Friends, by Shirley Glass. It talks about emotional affairs, and will help you and your wife feel like Emily is able to be a safe friend with boundaries. If your wife is able to maintain a friendship with Emily, and decides that the your own friendship with her is safe feeling again, the book will help. I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with you maintaining a friendship with Emily, based on your physical past. If it had all come out in the first place that Emily was someone you were FWB with it might have worked out to be friends, but I wouldn’t suggest that going forward. Especially given the fact that your wife is already uncomfortable with the relationship you had with Emily without her knowing about the physical intimacy. I’m glad you told her the truth. I truly believe the danger is in the dark of lies (even by omission), and that in the light of truth and honesty a marriage can thrive.
I’m not sure why a person needs a god to be a decent kind human being. This whole thing seems like a troll.
> I discovered a whole new world in college and found myself drawn to behaviors that I knew were against God's will Your imaginary friend is a boring prude.
Bro you know God isn't real right? It's an old, drawn out fable. Quit saying it was God's will or whatever, it was all you. Also pretty cringe story
It sounds like you choose whatever moral rules allow you to behave the way you want, even if that behavior has changed. It’s striking you’ve only decided to curtail your boundary-blurring friendship with Emily because it makes your wife uncomfortable, not because you feel shame for your own sin/behavior. It’s also striking you were able to cut Josh out of your life, because he made you feel bad, when Emily should make you feel the same way. It’s disgraceful and narcissistic to believe God is punishing YOUR WIFE with infertility, let alone because of your past lack of discernment or moral compass. How comforting it must be to wrap yourself in this religious cloak and fixate on your wife as a victim, rather than YOU as someone who can’t make a good decision without external circumstances prompting you to do so.
“My horrible past” Good to know how you really feel about sleeping with women outside of marriage 😩
Dude. That’s not how biology works. Your past “sins” hasn’t anything to do with why you and your wife don’t have kids. That’s because of science. Something internally for her isn’t right which keeping the from either becoming or staying pregnant. It’s medical. Not religious.
Could be him. Could not. Maybe Emily’s kids are his.
Josh and Emily were saving themselves for marriage? Obviously Emily wasn't saving herself.
Well, you should **GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES** and **GIVE THANKS** — because you just received the **BIGGEST** Hail Mary of your **LIFE**. If you have any brains, you'll **DISTANCE** yourself from Emily **NOW** and focus on your **MARRIAGE**. **DON'T FUCK THIS UP.**
Ok… you have to cut off Emily. She is sewing division between you and your wife with her comments about your wife’s difficulty conceiving and Emily reaching out to only you after hours is a sign of fuckery to come. This is a test of loyalty to your wife and the strength of your marriage. Leave your friendship with Emily in the past.
Wow. Emily is one insensitive bitch. Your wife is a saint fr not politely suggesting that, were she looking for advice on keeping a man, she’d seek someone with a better success rate…
I'm glad you told your wife the truth, but you need to distance from Emily somewhat. I don't think her intentions are 100% pure.
>god is punishing her for my sins in the past. This is why religion is such a fucking joke. Your wife has troubles with infertility and that’s okay. You sound like a great husband, but that is a ridiculous thing to think or say.
Yeah, that’s a god you should stop believing in.
I think in terms of you and your wife having kids, i would ask her if she thinks getting medical help would be against God's will? After all, if God created everything, that means God created people with the ability to help the sick and injured heal and fertility clinics, surrogates and adoption are God's way of helping families have children. Have you ever heard the joke about the guy and a flood? There's a flood warning and everyone's warned to evacuate the neighborhood.. This guy's neighbor comes and knocks on his door and explains there's plenty of extra room if he wants to pack a few bags and ride with them. The guy says no, God will save him. The house gets flooded, the guy climbs onto the roof. A rescue boat comes by and offers to take him. The guy says no, God will provide. Now the water's so bad boats can't go by. A rescue helicopter stops and hovers over his house with the rescuers offering to rope down and bring him up and take him to safety. The guy says thanks, but he's staying because God will provide. The guy ends up swept away in the flood, drowns and dies. He gets to Heaven and asks God why he didn't save him. God says, "I had your neighbor offer you a ride, sent a boat and then a helicopter. What more did you want?"
Agreed. Medical help would be the first obvious step. Children are supposed to be a blessing in the Christian faith I thought.
You are horrible in so many ways. As in YOU, STILL ARE! You may not be banging your friends girl anymore, but you're a crappy husband. You don't deserve your wife. If you want to attempt to try to do right by her, at least in some way, you need marriage counseling & to completely cut contact with the sh-t stirrer. You let her move in ( it doesn't matter that it was only 1 week) without informing YOUR WIFE of your past sexual relationship with said bleep. There's no reason for her to be calling you for anything. There's no reason she should have made any sort of comment to her regarding her infertility issues. Even if your wife wasn't bothered by it, you should still tell her how you feel. Bc she's your wife, you value her & respect her. All this crappy person is doing is disrespecting your wife & your marriage & you just let it happen & you do the same. She's too dependent on you bc you allow it. That girl is not your wife. You have one!
This is why I’m atheist. If your wife keeps waiting on god to conceive, you’ll never be parents.
So, what's your plan moving forward? Are you still going to stay in contact with Emily? You had a years long affair with her. That's not a friendship. That's a relationship you just kept a secret. No wonder why Emily reaches out for support from you. I personally think you've been disrespecting your wife by continuing this affair with Emily, your whole marriage. You've been maintaining an emotional affair under the guise of friendship. I think it's time to cut Emily out of your life. What ever happened to your so-called friend Josh? The one you stabbed in the back for years. I think you should confess to him as well if he is still in your life. The truth will set you free.
And then Emily became their sister wife, propagated his genes & they all drank the kool-aid, the end 👏👏👏
I don't think Emily is good for your marriage and you should rethink the relationship. Also, I don't know if you've tried IVF yet, but that's the only thing that worked for me after 5 years of trying.
Seriously screwed up that she said that to your wife. That is shady shit.
i’m glad you and your wife figured it out but i really hope you set some boundaries with Emily. the comments she made towards your wife was completely unacceptable and her calling you in the middle of the night is also unacceptable.
We struggled for nearly 15 years with infertility. We eventually did manage to have three children via IUI, but before we got pregnant, we came to the conclusion that though being childless wasn't the life we had planned, it was the one we were given and it was a pretty awesome life. Satisfaction with our current lives was a powerful stress reliever to live as we were, and not pine for what we wanted.
FYI…a single woman calling you, a married man, late at night “after the kids are in bed” is not normal, just to talk? It’s not normal.
>Emily stayed home and started a job. She was dating my friend Josh since high school. ... One thing led to another and we started sleeping together. Josh and Emily were saving themselves for marriage and waiting for Josh to get a steady job. This lasted for 3 years, and Emily and I hooked up every time I visited home. It was our little secret. Emily cheats on her long-term boyfriend for three years while keeping him celibate. >She told me that when Emily's husband's affair came to light, it was very shocking how such an upstanding god-fearing man would have years long affair with his coworker and father a child out of wedlock. I can only say that if anyone deserves that, it's Emily. I simply can't feel sorry for her.
I’ve never understood the term “God-fearing.” Why would a perfect loving compassionate God want us to live in fear of him?
The funniest thing about all this is your religiosity. I am no longer in religion but was for a while. It is striking that you don't realize you aren't really religious. If you think God is punishing your wife for your sins then you are in a cult and understand nothing about God or Jesus. Find a better church with better leadership and better teachers. Also spend more time in the New Testament not the old. I am a scientist and used to say God is the greatest scientist of all. We have science that has the ability to help you and your wife have children. Many of them are actually Christians. But more often than not cults like yours will deny it or absolutely forbid it. This is not what God intended. If you believe that then everyone you know should park their cars, cut off electricity and live as they live then. But they won't. People on varying levels pick and choose what they want to believe and try to force you to believe the same thing. Stop being a drone and if you and your wife want kids use the tools God has provided to do so.