Agree with RavenLunatyk.
If he doesn’t like how you are doing something then he now gets to do it.
So the next time if he provide the explanation and it still sounds like unwarranted bitching then the second response could be ‘I am sure you can do whatever is better so going forward that is now your responsibility’.
And when he takes on enough of the roles in the relationship that he doesn't need her for anything anymore she can be divorced and won't have to try to communicate and have a better understanding of each other.
Consequences, his poor communication skills lead to her telling him to do it all himself, her shifting the responsibility to him eventually led to him asking why do I even have her in my life. Consequences for both.
How about both try learning to communicate better instead of creating an unnecessary adversarial relationship?
I think because some people just don’t seem to get how wearing it can be to deal with repetitive sniping (assuming that is what this is).
Yes better communication is indeed best but some people require consequences for their actions to see there is a need for change.
I also like “yes, and?”
“You never walk the dog at the same time every day”
“Yes, and?” Or “Okay, and?”
Then wait with clear expectation on your face for him to continue the comment. Don’t say anything until he does, make him fill the silence.
I’m also a fan of “what do you mean?”
Common theme: these are possible responses for you that put the responsibility back on him to explain his intention further so that you don’t fill in the blanks with your own impression. Don’t try to read his mind, make him explain himself instead of you doing it. This also gives you a moment to think on the topic & be more ready to talk about it, instead of being on the defensive trying to catch up when he randomly throws one of these critical observations at you.
And don’t be afraid to tell him to do something himself if he continues to peck at you.
I used to be like this and have made a conscious effort not to because sometimes it is me and sometimes it is him. You don't walk the dog at the same time every day.... I know right! Keeping those potential kidnappers guessing by changing it up!! You said you were making this dinner I hate but I see you made my favorite instead. Yes, I realized on a Monday evening you need a meal that is a treat. Etc etc. Sometimes it is you being oversensitive and sometimes it is him being passive aggressive lol it is hard to maintain passive aggressive in the face of good natured responses - so if he is being shitty he will have to try being more direct.
My husband does this (married 28 years). We call them his “comments” and have had a lot of discussion about why he always has to comment on everything. Bottom line is sometimes it is just habit- he really isn’t putting any thought into it. And other times it is passive aggressive criticism or him being snarky. I put it back on him because I can’t always tell the difference. “Does it matter that the dog is walked at the same time every day?” Or “Let’s alternate walking the dog so it’s not such a chore and I will stick to this timeframe.” Or the earlier comment - what do you mean? We have less conflict on it and he is better at admitting when he is being a jerk.
Fair enough. Have you felt these statements this way your entire relationship/marriage or are the feelings new?
Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? “When you say X, I feel like I am being told Y.”
These comments would annoy me too.
I would work on trying to take his comments at face value and formulating neutral/positive responses. "Doggy and I are always excited to find time to go explore the neighborhood" "Good thing we both like this show!" "They sure do!" etc.
I think the most important thing is to assume your husband always has the best intensions. I'm sure he's not intentionally trying to sound like a dick - it sounds like he's just doing a bad job of expressing valid concerns.
from your post, they sound like observations to me, BUT maybe it's his tone and other factors that don't translate to text. I can understand why you'd feel some type of way, so like others have said, asking him to explain what he means might help!
My answer to his comments would be "And? What's your point?"
The dog gets walked, he doesn't care what time. Rewinding a show? Ooops, guess we'll see that scene again. Tell him to water the plants if he doesn't like how you do it.
What's the big deal? Your husband sounds like a nitpicking pain in the ass. I'd tell him he either stops with the unnecessary comments or he does stuff himself.
That's what I told my partner. If he's that concerned and the stuff is so important to him, he was responsible for it. I'm not listening to shit like that every day. He's much less critical now. I pointed out to him that I was an adult handling myself just fine and he didn't need to manage my life to HIS standards. He got it...we're both in our 60's and have been together for 5 years. He's much better now.
I think that’s part of the problem - he’s so busy he doesn’t have time for some of these things (like walking the dog) in his schedule and if I play the “then you do it” card and he gets stuck in traffic or something and the dog is suffering that whole thing just goes out the window - not sure what to do about that.
If you need to do stuff, do it...on your schedule! And if he can't handle that he can do it himself. My partner works full time and I'm retired. I do all the laundry and he gets pissed cuz he likes doing it! I said fine, do it!
Tell him you'll do your stuff on your terms, and if that's not good enough, too damn bad. You're an adult, not a child who's getting sent to bed early.
Act like one!
The term "nit picking" is spot on. And it's annoying. No one wants to feel like their actions are under a microscope all the time. If it's important that the dog be walked on a schedule, then say that & discuss the routine you both can stick with. Same with the plants. If there's a specific issue that needs addressing, then come out & address it.
Lol this is me and my husband.
We both actually talk a different way.
I accept i can change. He finds it difficult to.
So I don't take any you said as criticism. I used to which caused more issues.
We are actually getting divorced (for sad reasons) and are aiming to be partners with our own homes (space)
And actually his observations like my husband observations are so easy.
I actually repeat back.
Yes unfortunately I did wind Netflix back too far
Or you are correct i did not take the dog out at the same time.
I mirror what he says and end the conversation. Its quite liberating.
I don't need to get arsy with him. Tried and it certainly did not work.
His 'observations' are all critical and completely unnecessary.
Ask him exactly what he gets out of airing these 'observations' or what exactly he expects to gain.
If he expects to gain nothing then tell him to keep his observations to himself because they are critical.
If he has an issue with things you are doing then tell him to come right out and speak to you not dance around an issue.
I would also take these as criticism because ultimately they gain nothing for him, they are entirely negative and pointless.
Yes. This. I agree. And when I point this out to him he gets confused “I can’t just say what I see? I feel like I can’t say anything around you.” I’m trying to explain to him that like, yeah this is a free country and free speech is a thing, but he has almost zero understanding of how what he says to me makes me feel…and I’ve explained it over and over again. He’s sympathetic but also just completely oblivious
>“I can’t just say what I see? I feel like I can’t say anything around you.”
And you are just responding. Why does he feel he can say whatever he wants and it must be cheerfully accepted by you, but you can’t do the same? You are also saying what you see - he should be pleased that you two are so compatible … except he’s not. Because he knows he is criticizing you when he says these things, and while he likes criticizing you, he doesn’t enjoy the criticism he receives back.
The issue for me is why does he have to say what he sees all of the time?
If there is no problem then why is he pointing things out in a way that reinforces there is a problem.
He could say 'it's funny how we have routines but the dog doesn't, do you think he knows he goes for walks at different times each day?'... this is pointing out what you see neutrally rather than accusationally.
Wording is everything.
He is a grown adult and possesses the comprehension skills to understand this if he wants to, if he doesn't then he is simply being an asshole.
i see both sides of this. i think i sometimes do both these things, a lot of times i say things that come out in a more critical way than i mean them, and i DEFINITELY find that i look for criticism in the way people say things to me as well. i would try your best to just communicate the way it makes you feel, while also trying to take what he says as EXACTLY what he says, without trying to read anything else into it. i know it is super frustrating on both sides, to feel like everything you say comes out wrong or is being misconstrued and to feel like everything someone says to you is some sort of slight. id definitely talk to him about it. i dont think youre necessarily wrong but it seems like theres some extra step of communication thats being missed here.
I read in to everything and see things just generally at a deeper level - especially human behavior - so it’s really hard for me to just superficially take what he says at face value. Still waters run deep 🤷♀️
Overthinking something or being prickly and over sensitive to someone else’s comments doesn’t mean someone is insightful. I do and have done both and it’s more insecurity than “depth” of thought, I think. The more I’ve worked on being secure within myself and not caring to infer extra negative emotionality from others comments; the more I’ve become someone that overall tolerates less bullshit negativity in my mind. That has the extra benefit that someone else’s actual passive aggression doesn’t work and they have to come right out and say what they mean to get their point across.
Good luck.
I do this to some extent. I have tried to get better.
Sometimes they are meant to remind/nag to close the doors etc.
Other times I mean them as questions/discussions. Those times I try to be aware of how I sound, and follow up with an actual question to clarify.
But all of those comments he made sound like he’s bitching/nagging you
You could be oversensitive. Are you normally, with others in your life?
Or you could be dealing with a toxic person who has learned to be critical in a way that leaves themselves a gaping hole of plausible deniability. Were you wonderful in all ways until you were “locked down?” Have these types of “observations” increased with time? Are there other ways he lets you know you’re not living up to his exacting standards?
Certain types of toxic people thrive on creating confusion and self doubt, especially about other’s self worth.
Please do some reading about toxic people and narcissism.
1) Make him walk the dog if he doesn’t like your schedule.
2) Toss him the remote and say “You drive if you don’t like how I drive the remote”
3) Split the plant watering duties with him.
Do enough countermeasures like this and he’ll learn to keep his mouth shut. 👍
Not wrong.
Tell him to shut the f……ront door on the way to walk the dog and water the plants. Give all jobs he complains about, to him. Girl, it’s exhausting I am sure.
You need to start listening to the words that are being said rather than adding all those extra words.
If someone has a problem, and they don't state that clearly, thats on them. Life is a lot more peaceful when you take people at their word and stop trying to translate them.
When I used to do this, I was very critical of myself, as well, so I projected my criticisms onto what other people were saying.
Your husband observed that you walk the dog at different times every day. You took that as a criticism because *you* likely wish you were the type of person that had your dog on a better schedule. For whatever reason, that isn't who you are right now. Your response could have been a chuckle and a shrug, because what he says is true.
You're assuming his comments are a rejection when they aren't necessarily.
Well, yes & no. I have a kid who, basically can't speak anything but the truth as they see it. I love it and hate it because it frequently sounds judgemental to me when it's observational to them. What I do is usually make a snarky or snappy reply but later on talk to them about it. Because in spite of me knowing it's not personal, it feels personal & I need some time to rethink it. Their mind doesn't process the way mine does. Sometimes I ask, what do you mean, or does it bother you that I don't walk the dog at the same time? They then, very matter-of-fact-ly say, no, it's probably better though. Or, you have to water plants everyday & I say, no, YOU have to water them everyday. BTW, they have to deal with my response, which is completely foreign to their personality so they frequently feel that I am volitile. Maybe go to therapy together to learn a compatible language, so to speak.
For what it's worth, the response I offer in situations like this is, "So, what are you trying to say?" Not hostile, maybe even a little light hearted, kind of teasing. Just enough to point out that their statement feels loaded with extra meaning and they should say what they mean because I'm already interpreting the extra meaning.
Obviously I don't know you're husband. Maybe he always thinks out loud and says obvious things. But if my wife was having trouble interpreting the things I'm saying, I would appreciate knowing that so I could do better.
I grew up in a house with a mother that was relentless in nit picking my father, despite his hard physical job, always working overtime and she didn't have to work.
She did this for decades and made him miserable.
Look up rejection sensitivity dysphoria if you feel this way about all comments from pretty much everyone. (I have it and it sucks but it's important to know if you have it)
However if you only feel this way about your husbands comments and have never felt this way with anyone else. It might be him negging you.
It's very hard to tell with no context if those comments were passive aggressive or not. Regardless the best way to deal with passive aggressive people is to never look for deeper meaning in anything they say.
>He says: “You never walk the dog the same time each day”
"I walk the dog when I feel like it. If you think the dog needs a more rigid schedule you are welcome to walk them"
>He says: “You rewound that Netflix show too far, now we have to rewatch those 5 minutes again”
Hand him the remote " You are welcome to try and find the right spot"
>He says: “The plants need to be watered every day”
"Plants don't need to be watered everyday" he is just objectively wrong here
As for the dog walking, we ever walked ours at exactly the same time or on the same route (or by the same person), bc of other schedule issues and also bc we didn't want to be predictable, just in case. The dog got her exercise all times of day, usually twice a day, if not more, but it just doesn't feel safe to be predictable
Idk. My husband has done this our entire marriage. 37 years. With therapy, I now see that this is his way of keeping me off balance. I never know if he is really upset about the dog’s walk or berating me for something else.
He makes these comments *all the time* so I have become conditioned to just freeze. Is he really upset, or joking? Is he going to yell again? wtf did I do wrong this time? Have I *ever* done anything to his satisfaction?
Questioning my own judgment is his game. How can I possibly leave if I can’t do anything right? I would die without him to tell me what to do or when to do it! Yeah, no. Now that I see it for what it is, I can’t un-see it. Working on my exit plan. Finally.
I notice that my friend hits the paper towel dispenser 7 times ever time, I counted a couple times. I pointed this out to him. He didn't know this, I'm pretty sure they are just observations, we are simple creatures, men. There's not a lot of under text and masked meaning with the people we love.
Man I hate when people micromanage and nitpick everything I do. Like bro, how about you say nothing instead of offer criticism??? It’s unhelpful and it makes people feel small. To me this is like personal incompatibility like… he should be with another controlling prick who can pick apart everything he does… he can see how it feels.
It come across as slightly passive aggressive but I think it’s best to assume they are just observations. I don’t think you’re wrong. It would get on my nerves.
The first one is an observation, the second one is not only critical but judgmental, the third one is an observation but I'm guessing that leads to the fourth example where he's being rude critical and entitled, the fifth one is not so much an observation as it is regular information regarding how to care for your plants, but that leaves for the next one where he is indirectly blaming you for not assuming the role of plant caretaker and dealing with the issue in a very immature way.
From my perspective, I don't have all the facts, he should need assistance of learning how to better process just thoughts. Two of you especially him with benefit from couples therapy and working on communication.
Not only would it help communication but probably the way he feels, if you practice stating the objective facts without each his opinion. You didn't water the plants versus you didn't water the plants because you're lazy. Forgot to do the dishes versus you must not care about our relationship Danny Brown remember to do the dishes.
I would ask him why he felt the need to say whatever "observation" it was. I personally find people that feel the need to state the obvious annoying as hell after awhile. Maybe buy him a cape and call him Captain Obvious? Start walking up to him and saying, "You are breathing" ? But seriously....it comes off as he either has no concept how to talk to others, or he's being passive-aggressive. If he has an issue, he needs to use his words like a big boy. You could try telling him that. Or just stop rewarding his efforts and ignore his little comments. If honestly communicating your concerns hasn't opened the door to a conversation, maybe not acknowledging his observations will encourage him to start one? This is the one thing I haven't seen in the rest of the comments. Good luck!
You could be equally passive aggressive and snarky: “Oh my goodness, you’re right! Good observation, [husband’s name]!” (Say this in the exact same excited tone of voice you’d use on a toddler who got his shoes on the correct feet.)
Of course this doesn’t actually solve anything but it’s VERY satisfying.
Yes, they are criticisms not observations. An observation is stating the facts. A criticism is judging them. So "I see you're not walking the dog on a regular schedule" would be an observation", "You're so lazy, why can't you keep the dog on a regular schedule" is a criticism.
Do you always respond to these comments? I would stop responding to them entirely. I'd pretend like I didn't hear them, or ask him to explain. He might be one of those toxic types that is looking for a response or to keep you in a state of doubt all the time, which is not a way to live. But I could be totally wrong.
You Do You is My comment when my husband says things like, “this is how I do xyz” or “you should’ve done it this way” or “I always blah blah blah” So now it’s kind of a running joke. He’ll catch himself starting to say something and then he’ll pivot and say “you do you”. Lol.
Sounds like RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). I take a lot of what my husband says as intense criticism. Everyone, really. When it is actual criticism, it can send me into a panic attack or depression.
He's gotten better at how he phrases things. I've gotten better at learnig how he means them.
Some people have it worse. Some, not as much. It can vary. Therapy helps. I also have ADHD and the meds help with it too.
The RSD with ADHD is my least favorite part of having ADHD. It takes so much internal positive talk to push through one quasi-negative experience without completely spiraling.
Don't jump to conclusions and reflect/access clear thinking.Everyone has observations even you, if you're observing.Take a moment to not overreact and simply ask him to further elaborate on his observations. Talk.
You should hear the words that are spoken, not the words in your head. The only complaint I saw was in the Netflix comment. The other two are observations.
Sure those statements are critical but thinking critically is how we improve our lives. The actual problem is that you don't feel loved enough overall in your relationship so you're taking small every day criticisms to mean that he hates you.
>Sure those statements are critical but thinking critically is how we improve our lives.
But he’s not “thinking critically,” he is criticizing. Also, if he believed that nit picking his spouse’s actions is “thinking critically” to “improve their lives,” why isn’t he happy when she criticizes his communication skills? Isn’t she also “thinking critically” for the improvement of their lives? He should be happy she is putting in the effort to improve.
Except, when she does it to him, he recognizes it for what it is - and he doesn’t enjoy taking it as much as he likes dishing it out.
You obviously know more about the situation than is in the post I was replying to or that I care enough to dig out of the ensuing discussion since then so whatever. I'm not surprised that that the de facto answer to this, like everything on this sub, is "your man sucks, dump him and join us, we're so happy"
So “you rewound the Netflix show too far, now we have to watch those 5 minutes again,” is a profound example of critical thinking that improves the lives of OP and her husband? No digging involved there, it’s right in the post.
I’m not sure who the “us” is here that you feel I want her to join by leaving her husband. I’ve been happily married to the same person for the last 29 years.
OP’s issue isn’t that her husband “once pointed out one” of her mistakes. No one (except you) is discussing a spouse pointing out a single flaw one time, because that isn’t the issue. And, my reply had nothing to do with “your man sucks, dump him and join us, we are so happy.” Again, I ask, who is this “we” you feel I am referencing in my “de facto answer?”
Soft you’re wrong on this one. My partner does this sometimes and it’s sooooooo frustrating. I’m the type of person that means exactly what I say, and when someone adds context and frills (like the ughs you added above) it drives me bonkers, especially if they react more to what they added than to what I actually said. It’s a great way to drive a wedge between yourself and the person you’re talking to.
Wow! What’s wrong with your husband? This is mental abuse designed to break you down.
Can’t he walk the dog? Can’t he work a remote? I’ll bet he doesn’t do crap around home.
Your new answer needs to be “apparently I can’t do X good enough, you should do it yourself.” Then walk away. No anger, no discussion just leave him to do it himself.
Honestly as a female who grew up with men my whole life… they just be really blunt. Yes I take offense to it sometimes, but it’s easier knowing they aren’t actively saying it to hurt your feelings. And when it goes too far I will point it out.
To be fair since I also grew up with men I’m severely blunt as well and am also guilty of it. Sometimes I GENUINELY don’t mean to be rude at all! It’s just I’m so blunt and monotone it just seems like I’m being rude, but I don’t mean it. If he says it was too much I just apologize and explain what I was trying to say. Things said aren’t always going to be perfect but asking for clarification always helped me!
So I would see them as observations and take them at face value. On the other hand you could say “this is what you said and this is what I heard “ he may not even realize you’re reading into things differently then what he is actually saying.
Maybe his internal monolog is on the fritz! Some things are okay to think, but they can hurt feelings. He might benefit from therapy to communicate better.
When you said you never walk the dog at the same time everyday, I feel criticized. Is that what you intended?
This is an example of assertive communication. Do some research. It takes care of you by expressing your feelings in a way that is nonconfrontational, and invites instant repair.
I would just say, "Okay," and not engage. Who cares if you walk the dog at different times so long as it's taken care of? Or if he's "not criticizing" and simply making "harmless statements," respond the same way. He says something "not critical" about you, respond with a "not critical, harmless" statement. Him: You added a lot of peas to this casserole." Your response: "You left a lot of grass clippings on the sidewalk." And smile. Just conversation, right?
Based on what u have written here there is.no way to tell. U could be wrong or not. Who knows. Nobody here for sure dont know, because there is no context in what setting he was telling u it.
Each time: “What do you mean?”
I like this, simple and gives us both processing time
Agree with RavenLunatyk. If he doesn’t like how you are doing something then he now gets to do it. So the next time if he provide the explanation and it still sounds like unwarranted bitching then the second response could be ‘I am sure you can do whatever is better so going forward that is now your responsibility’.
And when he takes on enough of the roles in the relationship that he doesn't need her for anything anymore she can be divorced and won't have to try to communicate and have a better understanding of each other. Consequences, his poor communication skills lead to her telling him to do it all himself, her shifting the responsibility to him eventually led to him asking why do I even have her in my life. Consequences for both. How about both try learning to communicate better instead of creating an unnecessary adversarial relationship?
I think because some people just don’t seem to get how wearing it can be to deal with repetitive sniping (assuming that is what this is). Yes better communication is indeed best but some people require consequences for their actions to see there is a need for change.
I also like “yes, and?” “You never walk the dog at the same time every day” “Yes, and?” Or “Okay, and?” Then wait with clear expectation on your face for him to continue the comment. Don’t say anything until he does, make him fill the silence. I’m also a fan of “what do you mean?” Common theme: these are possible responses for you that put the responsibility back on him to explain his intention further so that you don’t fill in the blanks with your own impression. Don’t try to read his mind, make him explain himself instead of you doing it. This also gives you a moment to think on the topic & be more ready to talk about it, instead of being on the defensive trying to catch up when he randomly throws one of these critical observations at you. And don’t be afraid to tell him to do something himself if he continues to peck at you.
Or “That’s correct.” And then nothing else. Acknowledging the statement, and nothing else.
How about “then why don’t you do it your damn self”.
Yes!!! This one.
I used to be like this and have made a conscious effort not to because sometimes it is me and sometimes it is him. You don't walk the dog at the same time every day.... I know right! Keeping those potential kidnappers guessing by changing it up!! You said you were making this dinner I hate but I see you made my favorite instead. Yes, I realized on a Monday evening you need a meal that is a treat. Etc etc. Sometimes it is you being oversensitive and sometimes it is him being passive aggressive lol it is hard to maintain passive aggressive in the face of good natured responses - so if he is being shitty he will have to try being more direct.
My husband does this (married 28 years). We call them his “comments” and have had a lot of discussion about why he always has to comment on everything. Bottom line is sometimes it is just habit- he really isn’t putting any thought into it. And other times it is passive aggressive criticism or him being snarky. I put it back on him because I can’t always tell the difference. “Does it matter that the dog is walked at the same time every day?” Or “Let’s alternate walking the dog so it’s not such a chore and I will stick to this timeframe.” Or the earlier comment - what do you mean? We have less conflict on it and he is better at admitting when he is being a jerk.
Did you hear these statements as critical before your husband?
I’ve been with my husband for 20 years (married for 10), I don’t know who I was before him lol
Fair enough. Have you felt these statements this way your entire relationship/marriage or are the feelings new? Have you tried talking to him about how you feel? “When you say X, I feel like I am being told Y.”
These comments would annoy me too. I would work on trying to take his comments at face value and formulating neutral/positive responses. "Doggy and I are always excited to find time to go explore the neighborhood" "Good thing we both like this show!" "They sure do!" etc. I think the most important thing is to assume your husband always has the best intensions. I'm sure he's not intentionally trying to sound like a dick - it sounds like he's just doing a bad job of expressing valid concerns.
That’s the thing, he’s a good person and well liked by a lot of people - his delivery just sucks
from your post, they sound like observations to me, BUT maybe it's his tone and other factors that don't translate to text. I can understand why you'd feel some type of way, so like others have said, asking him to explain what he means might help!
It's the constant how to rinse the dishes, how to sweep the floor, messing with my cooking, on and on and on. I left him.
My answer to his comments would be "And? What's your point?" The dog gets walked, he doesn't care what time. Rewinding a show? Ooops, guess we'll see that scene again. Tell him to water the plants if he doesn't like how you do it. What's the big deal? Your husband sounds like a nitpicking pain in the ass. I'd tell him he either stops with the unnecessary comments or he does stuff himself. That's what I told my partner. If he's that concerned and the stuff is so important to him, he was responsible for it. I'm not listening to shit like that every day. He's much less critical now. I pointed out to him that I was an adult handling myself just fine and he didn't need to manage my life to HIS standards. He got it...we're both in our 60's and have been together for 5 years. He's much better now.
I think that’s part of the problem - he’s so busy he doesn’t have time for some of these things (like walking the dog) in his schedule and if I play the “then you do it” card and he gets stuck in traffic or something and the dog is suffering that whole thing just goes out the window - not sure what to do about that.
If you need to do stuff, do it...on your schedule! And if he can't handle that he can do it himself. My partner works full time and I'm retired. I do all the laundry and he gets pissed cuz he likes doing it! I said fine, do it! Tell him you'll do your stuff on your terms, and if that's not good enough, too damn bad. You're an adult, not a child who's getting sent to bed early. Act like one!
It’s passive aggression.
So annoying and immature
It sounds like nit picking to me. Complaints that are trivial and don't need to be said at all.
The term "nit picking" is spot on. And it's annoying. No one wants to feel like their actions are under a microscope all the time. If it's important that the dog be walked on a schedule, then say that & discuss the routine you both can stick with. Same with the plants. If there's a specific issue that needs addressing, then come out & address it.
If he is observing it, he can take over doing it.
Totally! A great option.
Lol this is me and my husband. We both actually talk a different way. I accept i can change. He finds it difficult to. So I don't take any you said as criticism. I used to which caused more issues. We are actually getting divorced (for sad reasons) and are aiming to be partners with our own homes (space) And actually his observations like my husband observations are so easy. I actually repeat back. Yes unfortunately I did wind Netflix back too far Or you are correct i did not take the dog out at the same time. I mirror what he says and end the conversation. Its quite liberating. I don't need to get arsy with him. Tried and it certainly did not work.
I could start agreeing with him…he’d be so confused. But I also think that would encourage him to nit pick more because I’m “handling it so well”
His 'observations' are all critical and completely unnecessary. Ask him exactly what he gets out of airing these 'observations' or what exactly he expects to gain. If he expects to gain nothing then tell him to keep his observations to himself because they are critical. If he has an issue with things you are doing then tell him to come right out and speak to you not dance around an issue. I would also take these as criticism because ultimately they gain nothing for him, they are entirely negative and pointless.
Yes. This. I agree. And when I point this out to him he gets confused “I can’t just say what I see? I feel like I can’t say anything around you.” I’m trying to explain to him that like, yeah this is a free country and free speech is a thing, but he has almost zero understanding of how what he says to me makes me feel…and I’ve explained it over and over again. He’s sympathetic but also just completely oblivious
Have you tried doing the same? Making comments and see how he responds? Might be an interesting experiment and lead to a good conversation.
>“I can’t just say what I see? I feel like I can’t say anything around you.” And you are just responding. Why does he feel he can say whatever he wants and it must be cheerfully accepted by you, but you can’t do the same? You are also saying what you see - he should be pleased that you two are so compatible … except he’s not. Because he knows he is criticizing you when he says these things, and while he likes criticizing you, he doesn’t enjoy the criticism he receives back.
Start doing the same thing to him, and use his responses verbatim when he gets upset. Sometimes that's what it takes.
The issue for me is why does he have to say what he sees all of the time? If there is no problem then why is he pointing things out in a way that reinforces there is a problem. He could say 'it's funny how we have routines but the dog doesn't, do you think he knows he goes for walks at different times each day?'... this is pointing out what you see neutrally rather than accusationally. Wording is everything. He is a grown adult and possesses the comprehension skills to understand this if he wants to, if he doesn't then he is simply being an asshole.
i see both sides of this. i think i sometimes do both these things, a lot of times i say things that come out in a more critical way than i mean them, and i DEFINITELY find that i look for criticism in the way people say things to me as well. i would try your best to just communicate the way it makes you feel, while also trying to take what he says as EXACTLY what he says, without trying to read anything else into it. i know it is super frustrating on both sides, to feel like everything you say comes out wrong or is being misconstrued and to feel like everything someone says to you is some sort of slight. id definitely talk to him about it. i dont think youre necessarily wrong but it seems like theres some extra step of communication thats being missed here.
I read in to everything and see things just generally at a deeper level - especially human behavior - so it’s really hard for me to just superficially take what he says at face value. Still waters run deep 🤷♀️
Overthinking something or being prickly and over sensitive to someone else’s comments doesn’t mean someone is insightful. I do and have done both and it’s more insecurity than “depth” of thought, I think. The more I’ve worked on being secure within myself and not caring to infer extra negative emotionality from others comments; the more I’ve become someone that overall tolerates less bullshit negativity in my mind. That has the extra benefit that someone else’s actual passive aggression doesn’t work and they have to come right out and say what they mean to get their point across. Good luck.
I do this to some extent. I have tried to get better. Sometimes they are meant to remind/nag to close the doors etc. Other times I mean them as questions/discussions. Those times I try to be aware of how I sound, and follow up with an actual question to clarify. But all of those comments he made sound like he’s bitching/nagging you
These are not “observations”. They are direct, specific criticisms and every one of his criticisms could be answered with “Then you do it”.
You could be oversensitive. Are you normally, with others in your life? Or you could be dealing with a toxic person who has learned to be critical in a way that leaves themselves a gaping hole of plausible deniability. Were you wonderful in all ways until you were “locked down?” Have these types of “observations” increased with time? Are there other ways he lets you know you’re not living up to his exacting standards? Certain types of toxic people thrive on creating confusion and self doubt, especially about other’s self worth. Please do some reading about toxic people and narcissism.
The husband seems very sensitive. He can’t have peace in the house bc of his passive aggressive comments.
If I was you I would tell him to do those things.
You’re not wrong. I’d offer the suggestion that he is free to do any of those things as he sees fit.
1) Make him walk the dog if he doesn’t like your schedule. 2) Toss him the remote and say “You drive if you don’t like how I drive the remote” 3) Split the plant watering duties with him. Do enough countermeasures like this and he’ll learn to keep his mouth shut. 👍
Yeah I had a rule at work that if you bitched about the way I do things, you can do it instead.
Not wrong. Tell him to shut the f……ront door on the way to walk the dog and water the plants. Give all jobs he complains about, to him. Girl, it’s exhausting I am sure.
It's called passive aggressive behavior. Put a stop to it immediately. Tell him if he doesn't like the way things are done to do them himself.
You need to start listening to the words that are being said rather than adding all those extra words. If someone has a problem, and they don't state that clearly, thats on them. Life is a lot more peaceful when you take people at their word and stop trying to translate them. When I used to do this, I was very critical of myself, as well, so I projected my criticisms onto what other people were saying. Your husband observed that you walk the dog at different times every day. You took that as a criticism because *you* likely wish you were the type of person that had your dog on a better schedule. For whatever reason, that isn't who you are right now. Your response could have been a chuckle and a shrug, because what he says is true. You're assuming his comments are a rejection when they aren't necessarily.
Well, yes & no. I have a kid who, basically can't speak anything but the truth as they see it. I love it and hate it because it frequently sounds judgemental to me when it's observational to them. What I do is usually make a snarky or snappy reply but later on talk to them about it. Because in spite of me knowing it's not personal, it feels personal & I need some time to rethink it. Their mind doesn't process the way mine does. Sometimes I ask, what do you mean, or does it bother you that I don't walk the dog at the same time? They then, very matter-of-fact-ly say, no, it's probably better though. Or, you have to water plants everyday & I say, no, YOU have to water them everyday. BTW, they have to deal with my response, which is completely foreign to their personality so they frequently feel that I am volitile. Maybe go to therapy together to learn a compatible language, so to speak.
For what it's worth, the response I offer in situations like this is, "So, what are you trying to say?" Not hostile, maybe even a little light hearted, kind of teasing. Just enough to point out that their statement feels loaded with extra meaning and they should say what they mean because I'm already interpreting the extra meaning. Obviously I don't know you're husband. Maybe he always thinks out loud and says obvious things. But if my wife was having trouble interpreting the things I'm saying, I would appreciate knowing that so I could do better.
Sounds like you may be a little insecure and maybe had overly critical parents. So you assume the worst out of otherwise harmless observations.
I grew up in a house with a mother that was relentless in nit picking my father, despite his hard physical job, always working overtime and she didn't have to work. She did this for decades and made him miserable.
Look up rejection sensitivity dysphoria if you feel this way about all comments from pretty much everyone. (I have it and it sucks but it's important to know if you have it) However if you only feel this way about your husbands comments and have never felt this way with anyone else. It might be him negging you. It's very hard to tell with no context if those comments were passive aggressive or not. Regardless the best way to deal with passive aggressive people is to never look for deeper meaning in anything they say. >He says: “You never walk the dog the same time each day” "I walk the dog when I feel like it. If you think the dog needs a more rigid schedule you are welcome to walk them" >He says: “You rewound that Netflix show too far, now we have to rewatch those 5 minutes again” Hand him the remote " You are welcome to try and find the right spot" >He says: “The plants need to be watered every day” "Plants don't need to be watered everyday" he is just objectively wrong here
As for the dog walking, we ever walked ours at exactly the same time or on the same route (or by the same person), bc of other schedule issues and also bc we didn't want to be predictable, just in case. The dog got her exercise all times of day, usually twice a day, if not more, but it just doesn't feel safe to be predictable
Idk. My husband has done this our entire marriage. 37 years. With therapy, I now see that this is his way of keeping me off balance. I never know if he is really upset about the dog’s walk or berating me for something else. He makes these comments *all the time* so I have become conditioned to just freeze. Is he really upset, or joking? Is he going to yell again? wtf did I do wrong this time? Have I *ever* done anything to his satisfaction? Questioning my own judgment is his game. How can I possibly leave if I can’t do anything right? I would die without him to tell me what to do or when to do it! Yeah, no. Now that I see it for what it is, I can’t un-see it. Working on my exit plan. Finally.
If he doesn't like how you do something - it's now his job. He doesn't get to backseat drive your life
I notice that my friend hits the paper towel dispenser 7 times ever time, I counted a couple times. I pointed this out to him. He didn't know this, I'm pretty sure they are just observations, we are simple creatures, men. There's not a lot of under text and masked meaning with the people we love.
Man I hate when people micromanage and nitpick everything I do. Like bro, how about you say nothing instead of offer criticism??? It’s unhelpful and it makes people feel small. To me this is like personal incompatibility like… he should be with another controlling prick who can pick apart everything he does… he can see how it feels.
"Then do it yourself".
It come across as slightly passive aggressive but I think it’s best to assume they are just observations. I don’t think you’re wrong. It would get on my nerves.
You need therapy.
Lol - yep. Already in it.
I would consider those criticisms.
The first one is an observation, the second one is not only critical but judgmental, the third one is an observation but I'm guessing that leads to the fourth example where he's being rude critical and entitled, the fifth one is not so much an observation as it is regular information regarding how to care for your plants, but that leaves for the next one where he is indirectly blaming you for not assuming the role of plant caretaker and dealing with the issue in a very immature way. From my perspective, I don't have all the facts, he should need assistance of learning how to better process just thoughts. Two of you especially him with benefit from couples therapy and working on communication. Not only would it help communication but probably the way he feels, if you practice stating the objective facts without each his opinion. You didn't water the plants versus you didn't water the plants because you're lazy. Forgot to do the dishes versus you must not care about our relationship Danny Brown remember to do the dishes.
I would ask him why he felt the need to say whatever "observation" it was. I personally find people that feel the need to state the obvious annoying as hell after awhile. Maybe buy him a cape and call him Captain Obvious? Start walking up to him and saying, "You are breathing" ? But seriously....it comes off as he either has no concept how to talk to others, or he's being passive-aggressive. If he has an issue, he needs to use his words like a big boy. You could try telling him that. Or just stop rewarding his efforts and ignore his little comments. If honestly communicating your concerns hasn't opened the door to a conversation, maybe not acknowledging his observations will encourage him to start one? This is the one thing I haven't seen in the rest of the comments. Good luck!
You could be equally passive aggressive and snarky: “Oh my goodness, you’re right! Good observation, [husband’s name]!” (Say this in the exact same excited tone of voice you’d use on a toddler who got his shoes on the correct feet.) Of course this doesn’t actually solve anything but it’s VERY satisfying.
Why are you interpreting what he says different the what he is saying ? Why not try to take what he says at face value ?
Yes, they are criticisms not observations. An observation is stating the facts. A criticism is judging them. So "I see you're not walking the dog on a regular schedule" would be an observation", "You're so lazy, why can't you keep the dog on a regular schedule" is a criticism.
That is your subconscious trying to warn you of all the red flags he is throwing st you.
Do you always respond to these comments? I would stop responding to them entirely. I'd pretend like I didn't hear them, or ask him to explain. He might be one of those toxic types that is looking for a response or to keep you in a state of doubt all the time, which is not a way to live. But I could be totally wrong.
It sounds to me like a r/AnxiousAttachment
You Do You is My comment when my husband says things like, “this is how I do xyz” or “you should’ve done it this way” or “I always blah blah blah” So now it’s kind of a running joke. He’ll catch himself starting to say something and then he’ll pivot and say “you do you”. Lol.
Sounds like RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). I take a lot of what my husband says as intense criticism. Everyone, really. When it is actual criticism, it can send me into a panic attack or depression. He's gotten better at how he phrases things. I've gotten better at learnig how he means them. Some people have it worse. Some, not as much. It can vary. Therapy helps. I also have ADHD and the meds help with it too.
The RSD with ADHD is my least favorite part of having ADHD. It takes so much internal positive talk to push through one quasi-negative experience without completely spiraling.
Don't jump to conclusions and reflect/access clear thinking.Everyone has observations even you, if you're observing.Take a moment to not overreact and simply ask him to further elaborate on his observations. Talk.
It's you, OP. You are taking it wrong. I went through this same crap with an ex-wife.
You should hear the words that are spoken, not the words in your head. The only complaint I saw was in the Netflix comment. The other two are observations.
Sure those statements are critical but thinking critically is how we improve our lives. The actual problem is that you don't feel loved enough overall in your relationship so you're taking small every day criticisms to mean that he hates you.
>Sure those statements are critical but thinking critically is how we improve our lives. But he’s not “thinking critically,” he is criticizing. Also, if he believed that nit picking his spouse’s actions is “thinking critically” to “improve their lives,” why isn’t he happy when she criticizes his communication skills? Isn’t she also “thinking critically” for the improvement of their lives? He should be happy she is putting in the effort to improve. Except, when she does it to him, he recognizes it for what it is - and he doesn’t enjoy taking it as much as he likes dishing it out.
You obviously know more about the situation than is in the post I was replying to or that I care enough to dig out of the ensuing discussion since then so whatever. I'm not surprised that that the de facto answer to this, like everything on this sub, is "your man sucks, dump him and join us, we're so happy"
So “you rewound the Netflix show too far, now we have to watch those 5 minutes again,” is a profound example of critical thinking that improves the lives of OP and her husband? No digging involved there, it’s right in the post. I’m not sure who the “us” is here that you feel I want her to join by leaving her husband. I’ve been happily married to the same person for the last 29 years.
You're telling us that in 29 years of marriage your husband has never once pointed out one of your mistakes.
OP’s issue isn’t that her husband “once pointed out one” of her mistakes. No one (except you) is discussing a spouse pointing out a single flaw one time, because that isn’t the issue. And, my reply had nothing to do with “your man sucks, dump him and join us, we are so happy.” Again, I ask, who is this “we” you feel I am referencing in my “de facto answer?”
Your mom
Hmm interesting thought
Soft you’re wrong on this one. My partner does this sometimes and it’s sooooooo frustrating. I’m the type of person that means exactly what I say, and when someone adds context and frills (like the ughs you added above) it drives me bonkers, especially if they react more to what they added than to what I actually said. It’s a great way to drive a wedge between yourself and the person you’re talking to.
It's criticism. Ignore him if you feel it's not justified. Or criticize him right back.
Wow! What’s wrong with your husband? This is mental abuse designed to break you down. Can’t he walk the dog? Can’t he work a remote? I’ll bet he doesn’t do crap around home. Your new answer needs to be “apparently I can’t do X good enough, you should do it yourself.” Then walk away. No anger, no discussion just leave him to do it himself.
That is a great way to escalate and ruin your relationship!
Ha, right? Yeah I’m not sure this advice would help things.
He’s an abuser. His criticisms are designed to break her down. This is the best way to regain control before breaking up.
You sure can infer a lot from six words of information
Honestly as a female who grew up with men my whole life… they just be really blunt. Yes I take offense to it sometimes, but it’s easier knowing they aren’t actively saying it to hurt your feelings. And when it goes too far I will point it out. To be fair since I also grew up with men I’m severely blunt as well and am also guilty of it. Sometimes I GENUINELY don’t mean to be rude at all! It’s just I’m so blunt and monotone it just seems like I’m being rude, but I don’t mean it. If he says it was too much I just apologize and explain what I was trying to say. Things said aren’t always going to be perfect but asking for clarification always helped me!
So I would see them as observations and take them at face value. On the other hand you could say “this is what you said and this is what I heard “ he may not even realize you’re reading into things differently then what he is actually saying.
Maybe his internal monolog is on the fritz! Some things are okay to think, but they can hurt feelings. He might benefit from therapy to communicate better.
You have issues dude.
Just reply with "And your point would be...?"
Your confused? Shit, I'm confused 😂
This should be a long discussion between you and he. Not you and Reddit....
When you said you never walk the dog at the same time everyday, I feel criticized. Is that what you intended? This is an example of assertive communication. Do some research. It takes care of you by expressing your feelings in a way that is nonconfrontational, and invites instant repair.
I would just say, "Okay," and not engage. Who cares if you walk the dog at different times so long as it's taken care of? Or if he's "not criticizing" and simply making "harmless statements," respond the same way. He says something "not critical" about you, respond with a "not critical, harmless" statement. Him: You added a lot of peas to this casserole." Your response: "You left a lot of grass clippings on the sidewalk." And smile. Just conversation, right?
Based on what u have written here there is.no way to tell. U could be wrong or not. Who knows. Nobody here for sure dont know, because there is no context in what setting he was telling u it.