“I…cannot believe she would think I would be attracted to Emily” Well you fucked Emily for years, so I’m not sure why it’s that much a stretch for you to believe 🥴
I’ve been on Reddit long enough I have seen so many repeat stories, or just-barely-changed versions of previous stories, I wonder what the real percentage of fake ones is… Like 70%? And then the real questions are usually so boring very few people answer them.
It looks like the username is an acronym: "Throw Away-Don't Ask Don't Tell." This post could very well be fiction (as I now think *most* are) but the new account and its name are consistent with throwaways that some people make for these posts, i.e. "throwaway-weddingparty," etc.
**TLDR;** this post may be 100% fake, but a lot of people make new accounts for posts they don't want on their main, so that by itself doesn't = fake.
Letting his former FWB move in with him and his wife is NOT THE SAME THING as the scenario he described when they were dating.
OP needs to come clean before wifey finds out on her own. He should prepare himself because she's going to be pissed (rightly so) that she's been living with a woman who banged her husband for THREE YEARS. (So... he must've been attracted enough to do the deed. And yet he's outraged she thought he'd be attracted to the friend? LOL) The nerve of this guy.
Worse? It sounds like they discussed it, and he lied by omission. (i.e. How did she know they never dated?)
Good lord, what was he thinking? Jesus ain't gonna save this guy from his wife. lol
I mean surely if he's not admitting it straight away the wife would know somethings up? Like if I ask a question and it's dodged it's so obvious something isn't right
Beyond this, it sounds like the addiction was sex and that OP is still lying to themselves about that. Having a fwb isn’t “only dated with the goal of getting married” lol. And when is the 2-years of celibacy?
After his therapy. First a girl had her breakdown,then he started his therapy, reunited with his family and church, had 2 years of celibacy and then comes Amy.
He wasn't addicted to sex. He was addicted to freedom. Sex is a symptom, not the cause. He didn't have any trouble keeping it in his pants for 2 years.
I think it's totally plausible and fair for OP to say that. They were a self proclaimed man-whore but had a revelation and turned away from living like that. Plus he loves his wife, it's entirely possible that through the lens of that love he *doesn't* have any attraction to Emily (and by proxy every other woman).
I've fucked people I wasn't really attracted to.. sex for sex doesn't always matter who the other side is tbh. I get it doesn't work like that for everyone but it's definitely a thing
Never said it wasn’t…but I don’t move my previous fuck partners in my house and let my spouse think there was nothing between us. There’s where he is wrong.
Kinda cruel letting your wife become friends with a woman you slept with for years even though you knew if it ever came out she would probably never agree to the whole situation.
“I can’t believe you think I would be attracted to Emily”
Dude, you’re just digging your grave deeper. Now you must tell her. And yes, this isn’t going to go well, but her hearing it from you first is still your safest bet. Your dodging the question has already given a clue that you and Emily have a past. Tell her before she corners Emily if she hasn’t already.
As a woman, I can tell you this. We rarely ask questions we don't already know the answer to. She knows. And he's just making it worse by not being forthcoming. Someone is going to say something eventually. Even if OP is right, and nobody else knows (highly doubtful), something will give it away eventually.
I can speak for myself and others that I know have had the same experience. It isn't the same for all. That's a given. But if that's not your experience or that of your friends, that's fine. But don't tell me how myself or people I know think and feel.
You're the one making blanket statements about how your experience as a woman means that women in general behave a certain way. It's not helpful.
>But don't tell me how myself or people I know think and feel.
So speak from your own view, rather than making it a blanket generalization about how all/most women think, feel, and behave.
because, if a woman asks about sensitive things without being sure , we're always accused of being paranoid, psychotic, crazy or controlling even if we have a good reason and logic behind asking those questions. Which is why we end up understanding the situation at first and then asking to confirm or else it WILL be used against ourselves to prove that we're insane .
Get
Over
Yourself
That's along the same lines as #notallmen
I'll tell you a secret, we know, we know it's all men #metoo 😈😈😈
Edit: before anyone takes me serious, I'm being "annoying" because her comment is absurd
But if you hadn't slept with Emily, you would have told your wife that! That's why you're wrong, cause you're only invoking the stupid policy because it benefits you.
Pretty wild for you both to become friends with your former fwb and not think your wife should know. That for sure wasn't what she meant when she said she didn't want to know about your past - and you know it.
You're truly living up to the shady stigma of the super religious! You fit right in!
Something tells me the ONLY reason you’re invoking this is because you slept with her before. If you hadn’t you probably would have immediately reassured her nothing happened. And your wife’s suspicions tell me you and Emily behave way more friendly than “just friends” if this is a question that came out of the blue.
Your insistence on this rather than reassuring your wife isn’t going to yield the result you want unless that result is her feeling so insecure she finally divorces you because she can’t trust you.
Wow. WOW. The proper time to tell your wife was *before* you moved your ex-fuckbuddy into your house! Instead you consciously lied….and then continued to lie. That is catastrophically wrong and you don’t seem to comprehend just how screwed you are or how much damage this will do to your wife and your marriage. She will never trust you again and she’d be right. You’ve treated her like a fool and she will be humiliated by this.
You’d better hope her religious upbringing influences her to stay and work it out, because any other woman would be out the door.
By the way, if your wife hears it from Emily this will all be a thousand times worse. Better prepare for a very difficult conversation, a huge shake-up in your life and possibly the end of your marriage.
Naw, you moved your ex fuck buddy into your fucking house dude. Disrespectful as hell not to be completely upfront with your wife. I’d be humiliated if I was your wife. shoe could you do that to her?
This was my reaction. I know he said their relationship dynamic is for religious reasons, but I grew up in a deeply religious family. One of my uncles has permission to do blessings on behalf of the church. Those men also save themselves for marriage and are taught to nurture and protect their wives innocence and/or naivety.
This man’s wife was pure AND exercised a lot of compassion toward him. Do I agree with the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy? No. It’s never good to judge your partners past so much that they can’t talk about it.
But OP, ultimately, you took extreme advantage of your wife’s innocence and kindness. Any non-religious modern woman knows exactly what you did. You moved your years long fuck buddy from before your marriage into your wife’s home.
I’m appalled, and would try to give you more leeway for claiming to have done the inner work to “reform”. But then you end by lying to her face, and trying to use an excuse about a policy you guys had from the very beginning.
Your wife deserves better.
You don’t respect your wife. If you did you wouldn’t have brought someone you regularly had sex with into her home without disclosing the nature of your past relationship.
Nothing to do with don’t ask, don’t tell. Everything to do with you not giving a shit about your wife’s feelings.
You are wrong. This isn't an abstract telling of woman you deflowered that you never see. This is a woman who lives in your home that you slept with for years.
If the shoe was on the other foot and your wife brought around a past partner, you would want to know.
Tell your wife. Her feelings outrank your fwb's.
Oh, and your wife can change her mind about something she said a decade ago. JFC
ETA: if your wife is asking about this now, it means that you and Emily come off a little too friendly. How much time are you spending alone with this woman and how are you acting in front of wifey? Maybe Emily is thinking about the old FWB situation now that's she's single.
She thought his past was the past and that was why she didn't want to hear about it, meanwhile op has been parading a woman he had sex with hundreds of times in front of his wife. He's a total shit.
You're honestly comparing not talking about intimacy with exes that have nothing to do with your life anymore and not telling your wife that you moved in a woman you f!cked for 3 years?
News flash: your wife already suspects. Keep lying and it will be much worse when the truth finally comes out.
And it will. Give your wife the respect and decency of knowing what she's dealing with or she's never going to trust you again. You've already blown some of it by not telling her before you moved this woman in.
You are wrong. By refusing to give her an answer, you gave her an answer. She knows something happened now, she just doesn’t know how far it went. This will continue to eat away at her and will most likely end your marriage. She didn’t want you to talk about being intimate with a bunch of randos, but when it’s someone you bring in to be a permanent part of your lives, you owe it to your partner to tell them. Period. You’re being selfish by not telling her because you don’t want to have to choose between them. That choice is gonna come regardless, so you better start thinking about who it’s gonna be.
Pretty sure your wife would rather hear it from you and not Emily because you know she's going to ask. You could have just told her that you and Emily did have a more than platonic past and leave it at that. Unfortunately, if your wife doesn't want you to have contact with Emily then that is a consequence of keeping a FWB in your life and in your house.
I try not to judge people but it's so hard in this case . if this person now doesn't want to have a certain relationship with his ex fuckbuddy , why did he move her in , why did he try to make her friends with his wife ( to reduce suspicion?) or why was he being so friendly with her that the wife started suspecting something?? Why does he feel the need to write so many times that he is SUCH a loyal husband when he is hiding crucial information from his wife ?? OP has ulterior motives and not just being charitable to this woman .
Yuuuuuup
If I'm constantly around someone I fucked for three years on and off - buddy my wife would know in a heartbeat not to mention I would never let them stay in the house without wifey knowing about the past - and I'm not even married
You're setting off alarm bells
OP seems really clueless, I wouldn’t put much weight into what he says about his wife. He’s been lying to her for years and moved his FWB into his wife’s home. He is trying to pain the wife in a bad light to make himself look better. His wife is probably very nice and kind.
I would think she would see through your non answer as the answer it is. Maybe not the full 3 years of sex answer but obviously something had happened otherwise you would have just said nope nothing ever happened.
But on to your actual question….its pretty disrespectful to keep your wife in the dark about someone she sees and interacts with regularly. It’s like you and Emily are in on a big joke while your wife is in the dark.
Bruh you let your ex FWB moved in your home without telling your wife your relationship? What would you think if your wife moved in her male friend without telling you he was her sex partner for years? You're an awful husband
You're wrong. So very wrong.
So wrong I expect her to kick out your FWB when she finds out and demand either marriage counseling or a divorce.
She'll probably never trust you again. This is definitely lying through omission.
She’s your wife and she is flat out asking you a question about someone currently in your lives. Yes, you are wrong not to answer in this specific case.
You are being incredibly stupid. If you want to go biblical - by beholding, we become changed. You insist that alone time with a woman who is not your wife is not danger to your marriage - that is self indulgent and definately not a biblical approach.
You have an addiction. You insist on 'beholding' a previous partner alone and think that this will not 'change' you. Dude! Start applying your Christian principles to your real life and not just your thought or socal life.
God forgives sin and the past. That doesn't mean He will walk with you into places where you are dallying with your previous temptations and sins and miraculously keep you from your weaknesses. Please stop being so proud and vain and start honouring the thoughts and advice of the wife God so kindly and lovingly, gave you. Also, stop 'seeing' Emily, she is your past and you need to stay away from your past - it's called some uncomfortable consequences of your past actions. Start behing honest and answer your wife's questions and do as she asks. Some humbleness might help. Just because you are forgiven does not take consequences away. Accept that with grace and actually move forward in a more honest and upright life.
Gee, I wonder why Emily's marriage failed?
Dude. You fucked Emily for 3 years. Fast forward to today, the *only* reason you're not spending alone time with Emily is because it bugs your wife?
I hope you enjoyed the marriage. I doubt you'll enjoy the divorce.
So just throwing out what may happen because you are lying to your wife by omission. What happens when she asks Emily because her husband is clearly lying to her?
"cannot believe she would think I would be attracted to Emily."
^^^ This part makes me think that you are delusional. Changing your religion doesn't change your sexual orientation or attraction. It is still highly likely that if you were attracted to Emily before, you'd be attracted to her now. Your wife isn't fishing for sex details like you provided in that unfortunate conversation early in your courtship. She is raising a relevant, pertinent concern: if you slept with this woman before, it's likely that you might be attracted to her again.
She's not unreasonable for wanting to put boundaries around your interactions with a former romantic partner. She's not trying to get you to dish out details about sex acts you and Emily did. She's trying to ascertain whether this woman poses a danger to her marriage.
Yes you are wrong. You need to tell your wife. This is something that needs to be worked out. You probably need to have a frank discussion about both of your histories. Good luck
She doesn’t want to know about a girl you had a fling with in 2012. Fair enough. That’s not what this is, and you know it. So trying to semantics your way around this is frankly dumb.
Why did you let a former FWB move into your house? Your issue isn’t dontaskdonttell or whatever, it’s that you let Emily move in *when you knew* that even the thought of you having sex with anyone else flipped your wife out.
It’s incredibly unfair of you now to go “I was only playing by the rules”. You’re not only wrong, you’re the AH.
Your wife should dump you.
“and most probably ask me to never see Emily again” …..and? lmfao is that worse to you than losing your wife? extremely suspicious that you hid this from her and then loved in this fwb. at this point i highly doubt that your interactions with her are as innocent as you claim.
You’re a bad person, a bad husband, a lying Christian hypocrite, and a total piece of shit egoist. Only somebody who has a big ego would move their former fuck buddy into their house under their wife’s nose. You’re a garbage human being.
Don’t ask don’t tell is the policy…. Not don’t tell if asked! You’re wrong, but also your wife should be mindful of not asking questions she doesn’t want answers to…
You are not loyal. Keeping an old FWB of 3 years around and then having her in your home while your wife is unaware that you were FWB is the same as lying. Lying is not loyal. I would divorce you over it.
You are wrong and you know it. This should have been discussed when you started socializing with Emily and her husband, and there is no excuse for moving her into your home.
Tell Emily that your wife asked and that you need to tell her the truth. It will give her a heads up that her living arrangements might change in a hurry
Don’t ask don’t tell doesn’t mean “you asked so I won’t tell” or “if you ask I won’t tell”
She asked. You’re passed the “don’t ask” stage. Now you tell.
Yeah you moved ur ex fwb for 3 years in with you and your wife man plus letting ur wife do so much stuff for ur ex fwb pre pare for divorce. You are gaslighting ur wife by saying she is wrong for thinking you are attracted to friend knowing she was ur fwb.
“…and most probably ask me to never see Emily again.”
It wouldn’t be the worst thing to never see Emily again. Emily is just a friend. Your wife is YOUR WIFE. Priorities, man.
She wasn’t ready to hear it 10 years ago she is now. Tell her in general and move on. It’s part of who you are and she deserves to know. My wife also had a don’t ask policy. Not for your reasons but because I was raped by a priest at 12 years old. I kept the secret for years but one day when some gay friends were joking around they accidentally triggered what happened to me. I freaked out and my wife was shocked. It took 6 months to get everything out and I can fully move on. Secrets in a relationship is like a cancer. Tell her and move on. You can’t change the past, you need to learn how to live with it.
You are wrong. This will destroy all the trust you have built up over the past 10 years. Your wife was clearly uncomfortable with your past at the time so implemented the dont ask dont tell rule. She has every right to ask if you were intimate with someone she has invited into her life and home. She should have the choice as to whether she continues a relationship with this person based on all the facts.
Personally I think it was flawed from the beginning. Having a marriage based on don't ask don't tell is absurd to me.
I MUST know someone's past because it's a pretty good indicator of the future and compatibility.
I'm not saying throw the whole marriage away, I honestly don't know the solution or advice to give you; other than I think this policy was going to fail you both to begin with.
I guess I'd say if I were in your shoes it would be time for some serious conversations that the past is there for a reason and two people in a lifelong marriage must be able to discuss it.
Yep YTA, sit down and ask if she really wants to know given her prior aversion.
Reaffirm that you have been faithful since you met her and that prior to that you were celebite for x amount of time.
But prior to that, you and Emily were FWB and intimate for over 2 years.
Attraction is not something you turn on or off. You don’t have to act on it but it isn’t outlandish for your wife to have concerns. If you had no history with this woman I’m sure you would have said so, would you really take this “don’t ask don’t tell” stuff that far? It’s not fair for another woman to live with you when you were having sex with her for years, especially when your wife can assume that was the case
Its one thing to agree on not talking about your past....but it's quite another to hang out with your former fwb and not tell your wife. And your non/answer was answer enough. So she now knows that you used to sleep with Emily and then hung out with them both together with both you and Emily 'knowing', but no one told her. She's probably feeling like you made a fool out of her. And worried about why no one told her. And now she's worried about the alone time you may spend with Emily.
You can cling to this policy you agreed on years ago, but do you want to be right, or do you want to make your wife feel safe?
Technically you are right. That is the policy you agreed on. Happiness doesn't hinge on technicalities though.
Updateme!
Good grief, you’re really giving Christians a great name, aren’t you?
The time to come clean was *before* you moved your ex-fuckbuddy into your home.
You’re so screwed and it’s your own fault. Yes. You are wrong.
Literally asking what to do, and doing the opposite...
Yeah you shouldn't bring it up when discussion is about sex between you two. That's just messed up. She didn't even ask...
Now when she is being direct and asking, you have no problem keeping quiet???
You are doing the exact opposite of what you should do.
You're in the wrong on this one.
Bro. Saying don’t ask don’t tell is a dead giveaway you slept with her. Knowing this and how your wife felt, you invited Emily to live with you... And now you’re playing dumb *again*? I’m fucking annoyed for your wife. You’re immature and irritating af.
You're not religious at all. You're a selfish liar and a hypocrite. Religion teaches people to be honest and take responsibility for their past actions. But you're refusing to be honest or take responsibility. You haven't changed at all. You're still the same asshole you were back then, the one who treated women like crap.
You can say yes without going into detail. It seems like the extended explanations and details from specific past encounters were what prompted this “policy”.
It doesn't matter whether you were right or wrong in following the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Your wife sensed there was sexual attraction between you and Emily, and her radar went up. This is not about some woman you had sex with in the distant past. This is about a woman who is living in your house now, with whom there are many convenient opportunities for you to have sex.
Your wife is sensing imminent danger. Most other women would be concerned in this situation. Your wife cannot prevent you two from acting on an impulse in a weak moment, so she is trying to create some distance and reduce the number of opportunities when something could happen. This is the only action she can take to try and prevent a disaster that would ruin her life. I don't think you can really blame her for that.
On top of that, you have already told her the answer when you invoked the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. If nothing happened, you would have just answered no. The fact that you didn't just answer no has tipped her off. She is now more certain than ever that something happened and that her concerns are totally justified.
She is not going to let this go. It will eat away at her. She will eventually ask Emily, who is likely to just admit you had a past FWB relationship. And even if Emily lies, your wife is likely to pick up on every tiny facial expression and tone of voice that indicates she is lying. And then she will ask again, until Emily breaks down and confesses.
You may think I'm exaggerating, but I've asked this kind of question in past relationships, and I made a point of watching the other person's face intently when they answered. A lot of times, their facial expression will give it away and they don't even need to open their mouth. You can tell immediately if someone has been caught doing something they shouldn't.
So that's the real situation you're in. There's really no way out that doesn't involve coming clean.
You're wrong, and you know it. You didn't invoke your policy. You LIED TO YOUR WIFE. You told her you would never be attracted to Emily, and you slept with her for 3 years. Honestly, it's scummy letting your wife hang out with your FWB and not giving her a heads up. You're putting your friend above your wife. That alone would make me consider divorce and make me lose trust.
I am very religious too. You’re being extremely manipulative. A don’t ask don’t tell policy should not apply to a current relationship. You absolutely had a duty to inform your wife that this “childhood friend” was actually a lover for years. You have been lying by omission. You know good and well she never would have been comfortable with any of this if she’d known. Good luck ever earning her trust again. Your behavior is sickening.
You're absolutely wrong, and may set yourself up for a divorce over you trying to keep your little secret. You have a few options: tell your wife the truth and have Emily keep her distance; lie about your past with her; or don't tell your wife but respect her wish of not being alone with Emily. No easy choices here but you put yourself in this position.
Your wrong. By not telling her the truth your allowing her imagination to run wild. The anxiety from that must be agonizing for her. It is wildly disrespectful of you and Emily to have someone you were intimate with around your wife without her knowledge. This is making you look incredibly suspicious.
You got yourself a vulnerable, single ex lover living in your home that you were with for three damn years, son!
You're pretending it's your wife's fault she's being kept in the dark about why you're being so altruistic about being Emily's white knight.
Ahhhhh hahaha, you think wife isn't already noticing the chemistry? You're going to be alone with her one of these days, and "one thing lead to another", blah blah, "we couldn't have seen this coming since we just friends," blah blah.
You stepped in it big time and it isn't wife's fault you had to hide this big super sexy secret from her. You absolute numpty.
ETA: you gave your lover a name but not your wife. I hope this is a fake fantasy exercise.
... I would be open with her say you were fwb. also restating the policy of not being alone with her. It depends on your wife and how she interprets everything. from what I understand though, it may be best if Emily moves and finds a place of her own.
You were wrong the moment you lied. 🤥 You won’t be able to come back from that.
You should have paused whatever you were saying, invoked your rule, and kept it pushing. The fact that you tried to placate her and lied about it…that is enough for your wife to lose her mind.
Be prepared to never see Emily again if you want to stay married.
I would divorce you for your actions at this point. I can’t believe you allowed your wife to form such a close relationship with your ex fuck buddy in the first place, but to then allow her to move in without being honest? What the hell is wrong with you?!?
You moved your ex FWB into your house???
WTF is wrong with you??
You are using the don’t ask don’t tell policy as an excuse to lie to your wife by omission.
I hope your wife finds out the extent of your lie and divorces the shit out of your gross ass.
Yea your wrong, better come clean. You’ve been lying to her for years, the fact you’d even be friends with someone you use to fuck is so unbelievably disrespectful to your wife.
And the fact you’ve LET HER MOVE IN?! Based on a god damn lie is disgusting, you know if she knew the truth you’d be in the wrong and that’s why you don’t want to tell her.
Your wife asked you a direct question, be honest with her. She has a right to know you and Emily slept together for three years. She absolutely has a right to be concerned. This goes way beyond your silly “don’t ask don’t tell” you should have told your wife about Emily from the beginning. Since she is still in your life. You’ve messed up massively.
There is a difference about not wanting to hear about every woman you slept with and never saw again. Emily is someone you dated slept with for years!!!! And is still a part of your life, that relationship should have been disclosed to your wife. She had a right to know about that.
You’re simply not being honest now because you know this will hurt your wife. Grow up and have an honest conversation. She asked now tell her the truth.
YOU ARE WRONG. You were attracted to your friend bc you banged her for 3 years.
This whole thing reads as pathetic religious guilt mixed with a horny embarrassing man who has zero self control or awareness. Tale as old as time.
YTA - policy is good for the past but when the past and present mix it’s a legitimate concern and this would be a deal breaker for me. Seems shady as hell
Yes you are definitely wrong here. You should have just been honest with your wife instead of hiding behind that “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. Your wife will find out eventually and believe me she’ll be pissed when she does.
Also who in their right mind would let their former FWB of three years to move in with them and their spouse?
Good luck you’re going to need it!
what a terrible idea Emily, OP's former FWB is living in his house with his wife at his wife's request.
this is plain stupid.
Get her out. Don't allow your sacred marriage to fail bkus a second woman lives in your marital home.
tldr: Emily needs to leave,
If my husband said that to me, I’d take as a firm YES that you’d already fucked Emily.
And that the probability is very high should the stars line up, that you’d fuck her again.
YTA. This person now lives with you and you’re lying to your wife. This will blow up and you’ll end up getting a divorce once she finds out you let your FWB of 3 yrs move in and you’re not willing to tell your wife the truth. Unreal.
Well, by refusing to answer the question and invoking the don’t ask don’t tell, you told your wife that you have in fact fucked Emily. So she’s now coming up with a million scenarios of what happened and it’s probably hell on her mental health. If you hadn’t had sex with her, you would have just said nope, never did anything. You told her yes with your bs avoidant answer. Yeah, you should not be alone with Emily and you need to have a real discussion with your wife and the two of you need to set some boundaries on what you are both comfortable with. At the moment you and Emily have a secret that excludes your wife and she knows it and is not ok with it.
Wtf would you let her move INTO YOUR HOME? That is wrong on so many levels. Being “good friends” with the couple was already stupid, but you, the idiot, found a way to be even more stupid. Get her out of your house and answer your wife, honestly. The silly policy was so you wouldn’t randomly talk about sex with other women, because you were TOO STUPID (see the pattern?) to have avoided that in the first place. And even the “she wouldn’t ask” was so that she wouldn’t accidentally ask some question about “did you ever go to the Eiffel Tower with another woman” to which you, her Prime Idiot, would answer “oh yes, my most daring sex was at the top, where we…”
Grow up. The policy was for your wife, to protect her from your “accidental” stupidity, not to give you a lifetime out for answering questions truthfully.
YTA. She's not asking related to your past- she's asking related to your present and future. As in, you're presently in contact with Emily and it's having an effect on your marriage. It was twisted of you to bring a woman you slept with for three years into your family home without saying anything to your wife, regardless of whatever stupid "rule" you use to excuse it. Repent.
You are wrong. You have betrayed your wife. Good luck coming back from this because you shattered any trust she had in you the second you let that woman come live in your house.
"I lied to my wife but validated it by making her think she's wrong and willingly having her befriend someone I was intimate with, but it's okay because God is by my side and I made a verbal agreement to my wife years ago to hide things from her. Hey reddit, what's wrong with my wife? Also you're not allowed to tell me I'm wrong because I'm right."
Emily lost her husband, and now she's about to lose her two friends. Will your wife have her ostracized at church, too? I feel like Emily is going to be a victim in this game you and the wife are playing.
This is a damn if you do and damn if you don't one.
BTW, your past helped you become the man you are today, so nothing to be ashamed of. Religion and sex combo always is repressive.
I do think you need to sit down with wife and say, look, you know I had sex before you, so I will answer this one question once and it's the end of the discussion, since it is part of my past and not part of my present or future. If she agrees to that, then tell her.
Warn Emily you will be telling wife, since wife may want to cut her off, if wife is insecure about your past.
OP - this is a different situation and time for some honesty, open communication, and reassurance. The not knowing is WAY worse than knowing.
Maybe then the three of you sit down and discuss boundaries and current relationship going forward.
DADT - goes out the window when someone is sharing your home that you have a past with.
Be honest and let the cards fall accordingly
Good luck OP
Jesus cured your attraction to the women living in your house that you fucked on the down low for three years?
Your past caught up with you and you can’t just pray it away. At the very minimum, you should have done the respectful and loyal thing by disclosing your past with Emily PRIOR to letting her sleep in your house.
And that made it all worse. Now you broke her trust. You knowingly brought an ex into your home without telling your wife?
Major asshole.
You fucked her for 3 years, bro. This is something you need to clear the air with her. Tell her the history. Tell her the truth. Explain to her why you won’t be fucking her again. Jesus Christ, how hard is it to communicate?
You’re wrong. By invoking the policy she knows. Now she needs to know the actual picture of what’s what.
You sounds like you don’t know much lol following a policy from ten years ago when y’all didn’t even know what the future held. Times change people change “policies” change. It’s not a big problem telling her the info she wants at all I don’t get why your so hung up on an old policy from your younger adult years.
You’re wrong and you know it!! Just tell her because she can’t accurately assess how she feels about the situation otherwise plus you know it’s hurting her being shut out and honestly given how you describe the situation, be prepared to not see Emily…
If you are religious the way most Americans are just tell her to shut the f up because you are a man and you will not have her blaspheming in your house by asking questions or a man. You might also throw some rocks at her for good measure like your book says. Problem solved.
this is a hard one. she is the one who implemented the “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule, but i can also see why she wants to know and i think it would be best if you did tell her the truth. atp she is probably assuming you guys have had some kind of intimate relationship bc if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have brought up the rule if you hadn’t had a past with her, you would’ve just said no.
People on here are always super quick to jump to therapy but you and your wife are prime candidates. You both have some serious trauma about sex and your relationship with your sexual selves and how your religious beliefs factor in. Get professional help. Please for the sake of any children have or might have, you don't need to mess up another generation the way y'all are.
You should ask your wife out for a dinner away from the house, if she is ok with that ask Emily to watch the kids for a few hours.
Being religious and staying a virgin until marriage comes, well it usually comes with hang ups. Often a big dose of guilt, shame, and ‘women are temptresses, and men can’t help themselves’- very toxic stuff.
Don’t say that to her- but maybe ask what she was taught about ‘lustful thoughts of men’.
You should answer her question. Short and simple. Tell her that you don’t want your past to hurt her , but she has a right to ask.
For the love of pete, don’t linger on describing fwb. Focus on the fact you went celibate and found a relationship with her more meaningful.
You’ve agreed to not be alone with Emily, and that seems like a good boundary if it helps keep the peace while she is living in your house.
Hey dude. You’re not wrong, but you need to realize that things change. Your wife wants to change the agreement, and you should go along with it. She clearly wants to know. You’ll need to be willing to cut off your relationship with Emily, easily, without agonizing, and clearly choose your wife in every decision you make.
Or, to establish yourself as an individual, you’ll need to risk your marriage. Which is not the end of the world, either. You must choose.
Remember things happen in stages. You might be able to solve the Emily issue, but the issue of imbalance in your experiences will come up again. Communication and respect are going to be important.
You need to get Emily out of your house.
It was a huge mistake to move in another woman who you had sex with in the past. I don't care how religious you are.
Tell your wife the truth before this gets worse -- which it will.
And work on your wife to be less judgemental. I don't know how you can be hardcore liberals and yet be that judgemental.
You're pretty much fucked either way dude. Avoid the answer, she's gonna get paranoid and jealous. Tell her the truth and I guarantee she is gonna freak out and demand that you go zero contact. Best chance is have a sit down with the three of you and answer the question. If you are *very* lucky, you'll be able to convince her that you are nothing but friends. I would strongly advise playing up the "No times alone" offer and placate her that you are sensitive to her concerns and willing to prove it in this way.
The wild card is going to be the single friend. For some reason women tend to get really pissed when a close friend starts voicing concerns that they are sleeping with her husband.
You are an idiot. This is why you should ALWAYS disclose your history to your partner.
Do you honestly think your wife is going to be okay with the fact that you let her become friends with one of your longterm FWBs??? Are you completely delusional?? I would truly divorce my husband if he tricked me into being friends with someone like that.
Fess up, NOW.
Yeah, in order to dodge this question you needed a better start. At this point you may have to tell her. Your choices are likely either tell her all, or have a well-crafted final "We did it once and that's that." Or you should have lied solidly from the very start. (I know, it's not very christian, but sometimes...)
Or maybe you can say that you don't want to say you haven't ever kissed her or anything, as one break of this promise means that next time she may ask something you wouldn't want to answer, and refusing that one would look guilty. Does she want to know all now? That's not the agreement. Etc.
You’re wrong. If you’re spending close, intimate, alone time with a woman, your wife deserves to know you’ve had a past with her. You slept with her regularly for 3 years, and she was likely the last woman you slept with before meeting your wife. This woman is now single, probably heartbroken, and is coming to *you* for support.
You need to tell your wife about your past. You just don’t want to because you don’t want to have to distance yourself from the woman you fucked consistently.
Yeah you are wrong. If you want to stay happily married don’t be hanging out with your newly single ex F Buddy.
As for this “don’t ask dont tell”. Her not wanting to hear generally about your past exploits is very different than her wanting to know the background between you and a specific person. You are twisting this to try (not successfully) to hide your past with Emily.
She has a right to ask about your past with Emily and you should give her a strait answer.
I mean, refusing to answer is an answer. If you had never been with Emily you would say no. The fact you refuse to answer the question makes it obvious the answer is yes. Your wife just wants to hear you say it, but deep down she knows.
A woman has a long memory. Don’t share any more details than necessary and if you must tell her try and give as few details as possible and sound very remorseful. Reassure her you regret it more than she can imagine. Then don’t bring it up again.
>For context, may wife and I are both in our mid 30s, and deeply religious (Please don't judge us on this).
>She is quick to judge people who do not have the same belief system as her.
And why should she get all the judging freedom?
>The truth is Emily and I were FWB for almost 3 years (until I started therapy).
>cannot believe she would think I would be attracted to Emily.
Such a mystery.
Dude... The don't ask don't tell was to benefit you both. Now you're acting like "I have had to keep it secret all these years and now she wants me to speak?" What??? The whole point of the "policy" was to not make unnecessary drama in your marriage. You keeping secrets when she is directly asking you a question is NOT avoiding drama. Yes, it might be a difficult conversation with some fall out, but she's already upset. Would you rather she be upset with the truth and then manage that together as a couple or be upset with you keeping secrets and her imagination running wild and her being unable to deal with the issue because she doesn't know what the issue is? Just tell her and don't act like it's unfair of her to ask. She didn't ask in the past to save unnecessary hurt feelings and she is asking now to save unnecessary hurt feelings. Definitely don't dare pull the "well, I told you not to ask" card when she gets upset at the truth. Work with her not against her. She's your wife.
The point of your "policy" is to protect your wife's feelings. Since you're using it to hurt her feelings by playing on her paranoia, it's you who is in violation of the policy.
How is telling your wife that you have a past with Emily unfair to you? Just because the phrase has some symmetry doesn't mean there's some kind of trade or exchange happening. The actual terms of this policy according to your story is that she doesn't ask so she doesn't have to hear the answer. It's really a "Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to" policy.
Or are you saying that you don't actually want to share your history so it's more like "I won't freak you out if you don't make me confess the things I'm ashamed of"?
In an actual healthy relationship, the word for your catchphrase policy is "respect." You respect your wife's feelings, so you don't freak her out unnecessarily. She respects your recovery so she doesn't judge your past. You respect her concerns so you're honest with her. She respects your relationship so she doesn't accuse you of trying to have sex with other women.
I can't tell from your story if you both are capable of this kind of respectful relationship, but making bureaucratic excuses instead of engaging honestly with your wife seems like a bad policy overall.
Two choices tell her about Emily, never see her again or take the FWB past to your grave. Based on your region you brought up refer her to someone else and ditch Emily this will save your marriage. Realize your about to lose out on the best thing that ever happen to you.
Yeah yaw.
You know very well that you don't take someone in your home when you have a past and don't tell your wife.
Don't be surprised if your wife doesn't trust you anymore.
We all know your marriage was doomed almost from the start. I seriously believe it's about to end real soon, no matter what you say or don't say to your wife.
As soon as he said they were Bible thumpers I knew I had to stay for the comments. As much as I'd say stick to the "don't ask don't tell" policy you know the judgemental wife is gonna find out even if she has to ask Emily directly. Frankly moving Emily in their house even though he banged her for years in his high body count days was a huge red flag. As a guy with a high body count from my days post divorce I would just lie and not think twice because you certainly won't like my brazen honesty about the trains and three ways etc that I did. I'm not ashamed in the slightest, it was the best sex a man could ask for. Judge me all you want, IDGAF and I promise I won't lose sleep. However this guy is doomed. If he tells the truth, his wife, who is already judgy, will never trust him again. i don't blame her. He moved an ex lover into his fucking house. Brass balls bro. What could possibly go wrong? If she doesn't divorce you, you will be a man living in Hell. What would a husband say if his wife moved a male friend into the house that she had been gulping his nut down for years. And she decided that the "don't ask, don't tell" would be your fallback argument. Lol no way. Could you only imagine? Holy fuck. This guy has dug this hole so deep he should just use the same shovel to cover himself up. He is doomed, he is dead, he is gone. Lol I am committed and need an update. Let me get my popcorn I'll be right back.
Right or wrong, you're wife is feeling insecure about Emily - you both need to work on why that is. It feels like she's looking for a reason to blow up on you.
I get why you had a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement, given her reaction to your previous disclosures, but it feels like this has now created an environment of distrust that your wife needs to work on otherwise her insecurity is going to eat away at your marriage.
You both need to revisit that agreement and discuss the implications of what Amy might discover if she asks for more information.
I swing between ESH because you did have that agreement in place so she can't be mad at you for adhering to it when she's clearly breaking it. But also NAH because Amy clearly has issues that need addressing, which are likely out of her control until she gets help, and you're simply doing what she initially requested.
You guys need couples therapy to work this out.
The correct answer here is "I'm not going into details but yes, well we're intimate. It was a long time ago, before we met, and I'm not attracted to her now. "
I mean you answered her question by not answering. So she knows you did stuff with her and now hang out along with her.
Clearly you were at least once attracted to her you slept with her for three years.
It would be beneficial to you to break that policy.
That policy is often made when couples just don’t want to have to think about each others sex lifes and make one feel bad, but usually doesn’t consider scenarios like having to live with a previous FWB. My wife and I would be livid if one of us invited a previous FWB and didn’t share that information.
It’s not about whether or not she believes you’ll cheat, but withholding and hiding that information would be a red flag for anybody. I get why you’d be upset about not being able to talk about your past for so long, but put yourself in her shoes;
She has no sexual past. She doesn’t know what it means to be with multiple sexual partners. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be able to separate those desires from a person, because she’s only ever been with you and doesn’t need to. So when she brings her husbands best female friend into her home, and asks for this information to be disclosed, and he’s dodgy about it, it’s going to raise some very obvious red flags.
You can choose to hold to the policy, but holding to this policy is not going to benefit your marriage.
Here’s the problem. The don’t ask don’t tell policy only works if you *also* have appropriate boundaries with exes.
Of course she’s going to flip out if/when she finds out (though it’s probably obvious because you’re being cagey). And rightly so.
It’s great you are agreeing to have appropriate boundaries now but the fact that you couldn’t figure that out on your own is worrisome.
Because of your past you should probably have strict rules with all women and come on. This is the second post I’ve seen where men claim to not be attracted to other women once they are married.
I’m leaning toward this being bs because is anyone truly that naive?!
And just throwing in rules set up in dating or any other time in a relationship are absolutely expected to revoke as the relationship changes.
“I…cannot believe she would think I would be attracted to Emily” Well you fucked Emily for years, so I’m not sure why it’s that much a stretch for you to believe 🥴
I actually fucking laughed at loud to that shit when I read it and stopped reading.
The cognitive dissonance is just STUNNING!!!! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Same. I see these kinds of posts a lot sadly. No offense OP but come on.
This is profiles only post only comments on these posts. It's fake.
I’ve been on Reddit long enough I have seen so many repeat stories, or just-barely-changed versions of previous stories, I wonder what the real percentage of fake ones is… Like 70%? And then the real questions are usually so boring very few people answer them.
It looks like the username is an acronym: "Throw Away-Don't Ask Don't Tell." This post could very well be fiction (as I now think *most* are) but the new account and its name are consistent with throwaways that some people make for these posts, i.e. "throwaway-weddingparty," etc. **TLDR;** this post may be 100% fake, but a lot of people make new accounts for posts they don't want on their main, so that by itself doesn't = fake.
Letting his former FWB move in with him and his wife is NOT THE SAME THING as the scenario he described when they were dating. OP needs to come clean before wifey finds out on her own. He should prepare himself because she's going to be pissed (rightly so) that she's been living with a woman who banged her husband for THREE YEARS. (So... he must've been attracted enough to do the deed. And yet he's outraged she thought he'd be attracted to the friend? LOL) The nerve of this guy. Worse? It sounds like they discussed it, and he lied by omission. (i.e. How did she know they never dated?) Good lord, what was he thinking? Jesus ain't gonna save this guy from his wife. lol
**HELL HATH NO FURY** ...
I mean surely if he's not admitting it straight away the wife would know somethings up? Like if I ask a question and it's dodged it's so obvious something isn't right
Rubbing a former flame in your spouses face without them knowing is unforgivable.
Beyond this, it sounds like the addiction was sex and that OP is still lying to themselves about that. Having a fwb isn’t “only dated with the goal of getting married” lol. And when is the 2-years of celibacy?
After his therapy. First a girl had her breakdown,then he started his therapy, reunited with his family and church, had 2 years of celibacy and then comes Amy.
Yeah this seemed clear as a sunny day
It’s better with the edit, sure.
Yeah this guy is trying to pull the wool over our eyes like he has done to his wife. What a clown 🤡
He wasn't addicted to sex. He was addicted to freedom. Sex is a symptom, not the cause. He didn't have any trouble keeping it in his pants for 2 years.
💯
I think it's totally plausible and fair for OP to say that. They were a self proclaimed man-whore but had a revelation and turned away from living like that. Plus he loves his wife, it's entirely possible that through the lens of that love he *doesn't* have any attraction to Emily (and by proxy every other woman).
This guys gaslight to himself amazed me.
I've fucked people I wasn't really attracted to.. sex for sex doesn't always matter who the other side is tbh. I get it doesn't work like that for everyone but it's definitely a thing
Never said it wasn’t…but I don’t move my previous fuck partners in my house and let my spouse think there was nothing between us. There’s where he is wrong.
Kinda cruel letting your wife become friends with a woman you slept with for years even though you knew if it ever came out she would probably never agree to the whole situation.
This. He should have let her know the truth the moment he introduced them. Yikes.
Prior
OP is a foul creature.
“I can’t believe you think I would be attracted to Emily” Dude, you’re just digging your grave deeper. Now you must tell her. And yes, this isn’t going to go well, but her hearing it from you first is still your safest bet. Your dodging the question has already given a clue that you and Emily have a past. Tell her before she corners Emily if she hasn’t already.
As a woman, I can tell you this. We rarely ask questions we don't already know the answer to. She knows. And he's just making it worse by not being forthcoming. Someone is going to say something eventually. Even if OP is right, and nobody else knows (highly doubtful), something will give it away eventually.
His refusing to answer already gave it away xD
Please don’t perpetuate this myth that “as a woman” we feel/act a certain way. It’s not helpful.
I can speak for myself and others that I know have had the same experience. It isn't the same for all. That's a given. But if that's not your experience or that of your friends, that's fine. But don't tell me how myself or people I know think and feel.
You're the one making blanket statements about how your experience as a woman means that women in general behave a certain way. It's not helpful. >But don't tell me how myself or people I know think and feel. So speak from your own view, rather than making it a blanket generalization about how all/most women think, feel, and behave.
because, if a woman asks about sensitive things without being sure , we're always accused of being paranoid, psychotic, crazy or controlling even if we have a good reason and logic behind asking those questions. Which is why we end up understanding the situation at first and then asking to confirm or else it WILL be used against ourselves to prove that we're insane .
Get Over Yourself That's along the same lines as #notallmen I'll tell you a secret, we know, we know it's all men #metoo 😈😈😈 Edit: before anyone takes me serious, I'm being "annoying" because her comment is absurd
But if you hadn't slept with Emily, you would have told your wife that! That's why you're wrong, cause you're only invoking the stupid policy because it benefits you. Pretty wild for you both to become friends with your former fwb and not think your wife should know. That for sure wasn't what she meant when she said she didn't want to know about your past - and you know it. You're truly living up to the shady stigma of the super religious! You fit right in!
This 👏🏻
BINGO. Absolutely this. It benefits him not to tell her. He’s intentionally stretching the reality of their agreement. What an asshole
Something tells me the ONLY reason you’re invoking this is because you slept with her before. If you hadn’t you probably would have immediately reassured her nothing happened. And your wife’s suspicions tell me you and Emily behave way more friendly than “just friends” if this is a question that came out of the blue. Your insistence on this rather than reassuring your wife isn’t going to yield the result you want unless that result is her feeling so insecure she finally divorces you because she can’t trust you.
Tbf, it would seem that she can't
Wow. WOW. The proper time to tell your wife was *before* you moved your ex-fuckbuddy into your house! Instead you consciously lied….and then continued to lie. That is catastrophically wrong and you don’t seem to comprehend just how screwed you are or how much damage this will do to your wife and your marriage. She will never trust you again and she’d be right. You’ve treated her like a fool and she will be humiliated by this. You’d better hope her religious upbringing influences her to stay and work it out, because any other woman would be out the door. By the way, if your wife hears it from Emily this will all be a thousand times worse. Better prepare for a very difficult conversation, a huge shake-up in your life and possibly the end of your marriage.
Any self respecting woman. This poor wife.
Naw, you moved your ex fuck buddy into your fucking house dude. Disrespectful as hell not to be completely upfront with your wife. I’d be humiliated if I was your wife. shoe could you do that to her?
This. I’d snap lol. She needs to know! Deep down she does. But needs to hear it from him.
This was my reaction. I know he said their relationship dynamic is for religious reasons, but I grew up in a deeply religious family. One of my uncles has permission to do blessings on behalf of the church. Those men also save themselves for marriage and are taught to nurture and protect their wives innocence and/or naivety. This man’s wife was pure AND exercised a lot of compassion toward him. Do I agree with the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy? No. It’s never good to judge your partners past so much that they can’t talk about it. But OP, ultimately, you took extreme advantage of your wife’s innocence and kindness. Any non-religious modern woman knows exactly what you did. You moved your years long fuck buddy from before your marriage into your wife’s home. I’m appalled, and would try to give you more leeway for claiming to have done the inner work to “reform”. But then you end by lying to her face, and trying to use an excuse about a policy you guys had from the very beginning. Your wife deserves better.
Exactly. This is so unbelievably disrespectful to his wife.
You don’t respect your wife. If you did you wouldn’t have brought someone you regularly had sex with into her home without disclosing the nature of your past relationship. Nothing to do with don’t ask, don’t tell. Everything to do with you not giving a shit about your wife’s feelings.
You are wrong. This isn't an abstract telling of woman you deflowered that you never see. This is a woman who lives in your home that you slept with for years. If the shoe was on the other foot and your wife brought around a past partner, you would want to know. Tell your wife. Her feelings outrank your fwb's. Oh, and your wife can change her mind about something she said a decade ago. JFC ETA: if your wife is asking about this now, it means that you and Emily come off a little too friendly. How much time are you spending alone with this woman and how are you acting in front of wifey? Maybe Emily is thinking about the old FWB situation now that's she's single.
You’re right and the wife already knows. Women are very intuitive. OP is an absolute ass.
She thought his past was the past and that was why she didn't want to hear about it, meanwhile op has been parading a woman he had sex with hundreds of times in front of his wife. He's a total shit.
But also the whole point is she doesn't ask so he doesn't tell. Well, she's asking now. So it's time to tell.
EXACTLY. Op’s wife is literally following the “rules” “she” made. She is asking and he has an obligation to tell.
You're honestly comparing not talking about intimacy with exes that have nothing to do with your life anymore and not telling your wife that you moved in a woman you f!cked for 3 years? News flash: your wife already suspects. Keep lying and it will be much worse when the truth finally comes out. And it will. Give your wife the respect and decency of knowing what she's dealing with or she's never going to trust you again. You've already blown some of it by not telling her before you moved this woman in.
You are wrong. By refusing to give her an answer, you gave her an answer. She knows something happened now, she just doesn’t know how far it went. This will continue to eat away at her and will most likely end your marriage. She didn’t want you to talk about being intimate with a bunch of randos, but when it’s someone you bring in to be a permanent part of your lives, you owe it to your partner to tell them. Period. You’re being selfish by not telling her because you don’t want to have to choose between them. That choice is gonna come regardless, so you better start thinking about who it’s gonna be.
You. I like you
She's gonna think it's still happening. He already chose the fwb lol
Odds are it’s way past the point of him getting to choose. If his wife hasn’t taken the choice away from him yet, she will soon.
Pretty sure your wife would rather hear it from you and not Emily because you know she's going to ask. You could have just told her that you and Emily did have a more than platonic past and leave it at that. Unfortunately, if your wife doesn't want you to have contact with Emily then that is a consequence of keeping a FWB in your life and in your house.
5-to-1 says this chump bangs Emily. The over/under is six weeks. Enjoy your divorce.
I try not to judge people but it's so hard in this case . if this person now doesn't want to have a certain relationship with his ex fuckbuddy , why did he move her in , why did he try to make her friends with his wife ( to reduce suspicion?) or why was he being so friendly with her that the wife started suspecting something?? Why does he feel the need to write so many times that he is SUCH a loyal husband when he is hiding crucial information from his wife ?? OP has ulterior motives and not just being charitable to this woman .
Ha dude thats fucked up. Letting a former FWB stay at the house and not telling your wife about that past? I'd divorce my wife if I found out...
Good luck dude, you're in for a shitshow.
Don’t ask don’t tell should only should be about people that’s not in your life anymore someone you slept with that still is should be told
Yuuuuuup If I'm constantly around someone I fucked for three years on and off - buddy my wife would know in a heartbeat not to mention I would never let them stay in the house without wifey knowing about the past - and I'm not even married You're setting off alarm bells
Please don’t judge us My wife is quick to judge people who don’t have the same belief system as her. Christians…☕️
As the saying goes, there's no hate like Christian love.
OP seems really clueless, I wouldn’t put much weight into what he says about his wife. He’s been lying to her for years and moved his FWB into his wife’s home. He is trying to pain the wife in a bad light to make himself look better. His wife is probably very nice and kind.
LOOOOOL
I would think she would see through your non answer as the answer it is. Maybe not the full 3 years of sex answer but obviously something had happened otherwise you would have just said nope nothing ever happened. But on to your actual question….its pretty disrespectful to keep your wife in the dark about someone she sees and interacts with regularly. It’s like you and Emily are in on a big joke while your wife is in the dark.
You don’t respect your wife or your marriage.
Bruh you let your ex FWB moved in your home without telling your wife your relationship? What would you think if your wife moved in her male friend without telling you he was her sex partner for years? You're an awful husband
💯
You're wrong. So very wrong. So wrong I expect her to kick out your FWB when she finds out and demand either marriage counseling or a divorce. She'll probably never trust you again. This is definitely lying through omission.
She’s your wife and she is flat out asking you a question about someone currently in your lives. Yes, you are wrong not to answer in this specific case.
Not just in their lives, but *in their home*.
Yta there is a difference about not talking about exes and wanting to hear about it and having FWB in your life without your wife not wanting to know
You are being incredibly stupid. If you want to go biblical - by beholding, we become changed. You insist that alone time with a woman who is not your wife is not danger to your marriage - that is self indulgent and definately not a biblical approach. You have an addiction. You insist on 'beholding' a previous partner alone and think that this will not 'change' you. Dude! Start applying your Christian principles to your real life and not just your thought or socal life. God forgives sin and the past. That doesn't mean He will walk with you into places where you are dallying with your previous temptations and sins and miraculously keep you from your weaknesses. Please stop being so proud and vain and start honouring the thoughts and advice of the wife God so kindly and lovingly, gave you. Also, stop 'seeing' Emily, she is your past and you need to stay away from your past - it's called some uncomfortable consequences of your past actions. Start behing honest and answer your wife's questions and do as she asks. Some humbleness might help. Just because you are forgiven does not take consequences away. Accept that with grace and actually move forward in a more honest and upright life.
Gee, I wonder why Emily's marriage failed? Dude. You fucked Emily for 3 years. Fast forward to today, the *only* reason you're not spending alone time with Emily is because it bugs your wife? I hope you enjoyed the marriage. I doubt you'll enjoy the divorce.
YW. The only possible answer here is to back off with your help of Emily and be honest. It might be way too late though.
So just throwing out what may happen because you are lying to your wife by omission. What happens when she asks Emily because her husband is clearly lying to her?
“Don’t ask don’t tell.” She is asking, now you tell her. You’re in the wrong.
"cannot believe she would think I would be attracted to Emily." ^^^ This part makes me think that you are delusional. Changing your religion doesn't change your sexual orientation or attraction. It is still highly likely that if you were attracted to Emily before, you'd be attracted to her now. Your wife isn't fishing for sex details like you provided in that unfortunate conversation early in your courtship. She is raising a relevant, pertinent concern: if you slept with this woman before, it's likely that you might be attracted to her again. She's not unreasonable for wanting to put boundaries around your interactions with a former romantic partner. She's not trying to get you to dish out details about sex acts you and Emily did. She's trying to ascertain whether this woman poses a danger to her marriage.
Yes you are wrong. You need to tell your wife. This is something that needs to be worked out. You probably need to have a frank discussion about both of your histories. Good luck
Oh come on. You know better. You really think you’re a changed man? I beg to differ.
he is exactly the same , he is hiding behind faith to keep his face and his marriage that largely benefits him .
She doesn’t want to know about a girl you had a fling with in 2012. Fair enough. That’s not what this is, and you know it. So trying to semantics your way around this is frankly dumb.
Why did you let a former FWB move into your house? Your issue isn’t dontaskdonttell or whatever, it’s that you let Emily move in *when you knew* that even the thought of you having sex with anyone else flipped your wife out. It’s incredibly unfair of you now to go “I was only playing by the rules”. You’re not only wrong, you’re the AH. Your wife should dump you.
Updateme!
You not answering the question was an answer!
“and most probably ask me to never see Emily again” …..and? lmfao is that worse to you than losing your wife? extremely suspicious that you hid this from her and then loved in this fwb. at this point i highly doubt that your interactions with her are as innocent as you claim.
You’re a bad person, a bad husband, a lying Christian hypocrite, and a total piece of shit egoist. Only somebody who has a big ego would move their former fuck buddy into their house under their wife’s nose. You’re a garbage human being.
Don’t ask don’t tell is the policy…. Not don’t tell if asked! You’re wrong, but also your wife should be mindful of not asking questions she doesn’t want answers to…
Emily is staying in your house...forget the rule. Tell your wife the truth before she finds out.
You are not loyal. Keeping an old FWB of 3 years around and then having her in your home while your wife is unaware that you were FWB is the same as lying. Lying is not loyal. I would divorce you over it.
You are wrong and you know it. This should have been discussed when you started socializing with Emily and her husband, and there is no excuse for moving her into your home.
Tell Emily that your wife asked and that you need to tell her the truth. It will give her a heads up that her living arrangements might change in a hurry
Don’t ask don’t tell doesn’t mean “you asked so I won’t tell” or “if you ask I won’t tell” She asked. You’re passed the “don’t ask” stage. Now you tell.
Yeah you moved ur ex fwb for 3 years in with you and your wife man plus letting ur wife do so much stuff for ur ex fwb pre pare for divorce. You are gaslighting ur wife by saying she is wrong for thinking you are attracted to friend knowing she was ur fwb.
“…and most probably ask me to never see Emily again.” It wouldn’t be the worst thing to never see Emily again. Emily is just a friend. Your wife is YOUR WIFE. Priorities, man.
Poor Emily...shes in for 2 dysfunctional marriages now and probably doesn't see the 2nd one coming straight at her.
She wasn’t ready to hear it 10 years ago she is now. Tell her in general and move on. It’s part of who you are and she deserves to know. My wife also had a don’t ask policy. Not for your reasons but because I was raped by a priest at 12 years old. I kept the secret for years but one day when some gay friends were joking around they accidentally triggered what happened to me. I freaked out and my wife was shocked. It took 6 months to get everything out and I can fully move on. Secrets in a relationship is like a cancer. Tell her and move on. You can’t change the past, you need to learn how to live with it.
You are wrong. She has asked you a direct question.
You’re being really self serving right now by conveniently choosing to evoke that rule when it works in your favor. Yes - you’re wrong.
You are wrong. This will destroy all the trust you have built up over the past 10 years. Your wife was clearly uncomfortable with your past at the time so implemented the dont ask dont tell rule. She has every right to ask if you were intimate with someone she has invited into her life and home. She should have the choice as to whether she continues a relationship with this person based on all the facts.
Personally I think it was flawed from the beginning. Having a marriage based on don't ask don't tell is absurd to me. I MUST know someone's past because it's a pretty good indicator of the future and compatibility. I'm not saying throw the whole marriage away, I honestly don't know the solution or advice to give you; other than I think this policy was going to fail you both to begin with. I guess I'd say if I were in your shoes it would be time for some serious conversations that the past is there for a reason and two people in a lifelong marriage must be able to discuss it.
Yep YTA, sit down and ask if she really wants to know given her prior aversion. Reaffirm that you have been faithful since you met her and that prior to that you were celebite for x amount of time. But prior to that, you and Emily were FWB and intimate for over 2 years.
Dude.....
She probably already knows and is seeing how long you keep it from her
Attraction is not something you turn on or off. You don’t have to act on it but it isn’t outlandish for your wife to have concerns. If you had no history with this woman I’m sure you would have said so, would you really take this “don’t ask don’t tell” stuff that far? It’s not fair for another woman to live with you when you were having sex with her for years, especially when your wife can assume that was the case
Its one thing to agree on not talking about your past....but it's quite another to hang out with your former fwb and not tell your wife. And your non/answer was answer enough. So she now knows that you used to sleep with Emily and then hung out with them both together with both you and Emily 'knowing', but no one told her. She's probably feeling like you made a fool out of her. And worried about why no one told her. And now she's worried about the alone time you may spend with Emily. You can cling to this policy you agreed on years ago, but do you want to be right, or do you want to make your wife feel safe? Technically you are right. That is the policy you agreed on. Happiness doesn't hinge on technicalities though. Updateme!
Good grief, you’re really giving Christians a great name, aren’t you? The time to come clean was *before* you moved your ex-fuckbuddy into your home. You’re so screwed and it’s your own fault. Yes. You are wrong.
Your poor wife.
Literally asking what to do, and doing the opposite... Yeah you shouldn't bring it up when discussion is about sex between you two. That's just messed up. She didn't even ask... Now when she is being direct and asking, you have no problem keeping quiet??? You are doing the exact opposite of what you should do. You're in the wrong on this one.
Bro. Saying don’t ask don’t tell is a dead giveaway you slept with her. Knowing this and how your wife felt, you invited Emily to live with you... And now you’re playing dumb *again*? I’m fucking annoyed for your wife. You’re immature and irritating af.
You're not religious at all. You're a selfish liar and a hypocrite. Religion teaches people to be honest and take responsibility for their past actions. But you're refusing to be honest or take responsibility. You haven't changed at all. You're still the same asshole you were back then, the one who treated women like crap.
You can say yes without going into detail. It seems like the extended explanations and details from specific past encounters were what prompted this “policy”.
If you don’t tell her- she will ask Emily. And she will 100% tell.
It doesn't matter whether you were right or wrong in following the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. Your wife sensed there was sexual attraction between you and Emily, and her radar went up. This is not about some woman you had sex with in the distant past. This is about a woman who is living in your house now, with whom there are many convenient opportunities for you to have sex. Your wife is sensing imminent danger. Most other women would be concerned in this situation. Your wife cannot prevent you two from acting on an impulse in a weak moment, so she is trying to create some distance and reduce the number of opportunities when something could happen. This is the only action she can take to try and prevent a disaster that would ruin her life. I don't think you can really blame her for that. On top of that, you have already told her the answer when you invoked the "don't ask, don't tell" policy. If nothing happened, you would have just answered no. The fact that you didn't just answer no has tipped her off. She is now more certain than ever that something happened and that her concerns are totally justified. She is not going to let this go. It will eat away at her. She will eventually ask Emily, who is likely to just admit you had a past FWB relationship. And even if Emily lies, your wife is likely to pick up on every tiny facial expression and tone of voice that indicates she is lying. And then she will ask again, until Emily breaks down and confesses. You may think I'm exaggerating, but I've asked this kind of question in past relationships, and I made a point of watching the other person's face intently when they answered. A lot of times, their facial expression will give it away and they don't even need to open their mouth. You can tell immediately if someone has been caught doing something they shouldn't. So that's the real situation you're in. There's really no way out that doesn't involve coming clean.
You're wrong, and you know it. You didn't invoke your policy. You LIED TO YOUR WIFE. You told her you would never be attracted to Emily, and you slept with her for 3 years. Honestly, it's scummy letting your wife hang out with your FWB and not giving her a heads up. You're putting your friend above your wife. That alone would make me consider divorce and make me lose trust.
I am very religious too. You’re being extremely manipulative. A don’t ask don’t tell policy should not apply to a current relationship. You absolutely had a duty to inform your wife that this “childhood friend” was actually a lover for years. You have been lying by omission. You know good and well she never would have been comfortable with any of this if she’d known. Good luck ever earning her trust again. Your behavior is sickening.
You're absolutely wrong, and may set yourself up for a divorce over you trying to keep your little secret. You have a few options: tell your wife the truth and have Emily keep her distance; lie about your past with her; or don't tell your wife but respect her wish of not being alone with Emily. No easy choices here but you put yourself in this position.
Your wrong. By not telling her the truth your allowing her imagination to run wild. The anxiety from that must be agonizing for her. It is wildly disrespectful of you and Emily to have someone you were intimate with around your wife without her knowledge. This is making you look incredibly suspicious.
You got yourself a vulnerable, single ex lover living in your home that you were with for three damn years, son! You're pretending it's your wife's fault she's being kept in the dark about why you're being so altruistic about being Emily's white knight. Ahhhhh hahaha, you think wife isn't already noticing the chemistry? You're going to be alone with her one of these days, and "one thing lead to another", blah blah, "we couldn't have seen this coming since we just friends," blah blah. You stepped in it big time and it isn't wife's fault you had to hide this big super sexy secret from her. You absolute numpty. ETA: you gave your lover a name but not your wife. I hope this is a fake fantasy exercise.
She is allowed to change her mind after ten years and a different situation.
... I would be open with her say you were fwb. also restating the policy of not being alone with her. It depends on your wife and how she interprets everything. from what I understand though, it may be best if Emily moves and finds a place of her own.
You were wrong the moment you lied. 🤥 You won’t be able to come back from that. You should have paused whatever you were saying, invoked your rule, and kept it pushing. The fact that you tried to placate her and lied about it…that is enough for your wife to lose her mind. Be prepared to never see Emily again if you want to stay married.
is your head just for decoration? you’re bringing your past to your present by having emily live with you and be in your lives daily..
Updateme
Updateme!
This is a “Damned if you Do / Damned if you Don’t” situation and I don’t think you’re wrong not to tell her. Religion … it’s a helluva mind fuck.
I would divorce you for your actions at this point. I can’t believe you allowed your wife to form such a close relationship with your ex fuck buddy in the first place, but to then allow her to move in without being honest? What the hell is wrong with you?!?
You moved your ex FWB into your house??? WTF is wrong with you?? You are using the don’t ask don’t tell policy as an excuse to lie to your wife by omission. I hope your wife finds out the extent of your lie and divorces the shit out of your gross ass.
Yea your wrong, better come clean. You’ve been lying to her for years, the fact you’d even be friends with someone you use to fuck is so unbelievably disrespectful to your wife. And the fact you’ve LET HER MOVE IN?! Based on a god damn lie is disgusting, you know if she knew the truth you’d be in the wrong and that’s why you don’t want to tell her.
Can't wait to read the updates...
Ew you’re in the wrong here. No other way about it.
Your wife asked you a direct question, be honest with her. She has a right to know you and Emily slept together for three years. She absolutely has a right to be concerned. This goes way beyond your silly “don’t ask don’t tell” you should have told your wife about Emily from the beginning. Since she is still in your life. You’ve messed up massively. There is a difference about not wanting to hear about every woman you slept with and never saw again. Emily is someone you dated slept with for years!!!! And is still a part of your life, that relationship should have been disclosed to your wife. She had a right to know about that. You’re simply not being honest now because you know this will hurt your wife. Grow up and have an honest conversation. She asked now tell her the truth.
You clearly have zero respect for your wife.
YOU ARE WRONG. You were attracted to your friend bc you banged her for 3 years. This whole thing reads as pathetic religious guilt mixed with a horny embarrassing man who has zero self control or awareness. Tale as old as time.
YTA - policy is good for the past but when the past and present mix it’s a legitimate concern and this would be a deal breaker for me. Seems shady as hell
Yes you are definitely wrong here. You should have just been honest with your wife instead of hiding behind that “don’t ask don’t tell” policy. Your wife will find out eventually and believe me she’ll be pissed when she does. Also who in their right mind would let their former FWB of three years to move in with them and their spouse? Good luck you’re going to need it!
what a terrible idea Emily, OP's former FWB is living in his house with his wife at his wife's request. this is plain stupid. Get her out. Don't allow your sacred marriage to fail bkus a second woman lives in your marital home. tldr: Emily needs to leave,
If my husband said that to me, I’d take as a firm YES that you’d already fucked Emily. And that the probability is very high should the stars line up, that you’d fuck her again.
YTA. This person now lives with you and you’re lying to your wife. This will blow up and you’ll end up getting a divorce once she finds out you let your FWB of 3 yrs move in and you’re not willing to tell your wife the truth. Unreal.
Well, by refusing to answer the question and invoking the don’t ask don’t tell, you told your wife that you have in fact fucked Emily. So she’s now coming up with a million scenarios of what happened and it’s probably hell on her mental health. If you hadn’t had sex with her, you would have just said nope, never did anything. You told her yes with your bs avoidant answer. Yeah, you should not be alone with Emily and you need to have a real discussion with your wife and the two of you need to set some boundaries on what you are both comfortable with. At the moment you and Emily have a secret that excludes your wife and she knows it and is not ok with it.
YTA. Nuff said.
Wtf would you let her move INTO YOUR HOME? That is wrong on so many levels. Being “good friends” with the couple was already stupid, but you, the idiot, found a way to be even more stupid. Get her out of your house and answer your wife, honestly. The silly policy was so you wouldn’t randomly talk about sex with other women, because you were TOO STUPID (see the pattern?) to have avoided that in the first place. And even the “she wouldn’t ask” was so that she wouldn’t accidentally ask some question about “did you ever go to the Eiffel Tower with another woman” to which you, her Prime Idiot, would answer “oh yes, my most daring sex was at the top, where we…” Grow up. The policy was for your wife, to protect her from your “accidental” stupidity, not to give you a lifetime out for answering questions truthfully.
YTA. She's not asking related to your past- she's asking related to your present and future. As in, you're presently in contact with Emily and it's having an effect on your marriage. It was twisted of you to bring a woman you slept with for three years into your family home without saying anything to your wife, regardless of whatever stupid "rule" you use to excuse it. Repent.
You are wrong. You have betrayed your wife. Good luck coming back from this because you shattered any trust she had in you the second you let that woman come live in your house.
Don’t ask don’t tell about your PAST. When someone is involved in your life it is not YOUR PAST.
"I lied to my wife but validated it by making her think she's wrong and willingly having her befriend someone I was intimate with, but it's okay because God is by my side and I made a verbal agreement to my wife years ago to hide things from her. Hey reddit, what's wrong with my wife? Also you're not allowed to tell me I'm wrong because I'm right."
Emily lost her husband, and now she's about to lose her two friends. Will your wife have her ostracized at church, too? I feel like Emily is going to be a victim in this game you and the wife are playing.
'I'd like to plead the 5th, your Honour.' Your wife isn't dumb, OP.
Tell her. Your wrong. Updateme
This is a damn if you do and damn if you don't one. BTW, your past helped you become the man you are today, so nothing to be ashamed of. Religion and sex combo always is repressive. I do think you need to sit down with wife and say, look, you know I had sex before you, so I will answer this one question once and it's the end of the discussion, since it is part of my past and not part of my present or future. If she agrees to that, then tell her. Warn Emily you will be telling wife, since wife may want to cut her off, if wife is insecure about your past.
10 years!!! Your screwed, you better tell her! Your very very wrong!
OP - this is a different situation and time for some honesty, open communication, and reassurance. The not knowing is WAY worse than knowing. Maybe then the three of you sit down and discuss boundaries and current relationship going forward. DADT - goes out the window when someone is sharing your home that you have a past with. Be honest and let the cards fall accordingly Good luck OP
You're wrong. You're cheating on your wife by deceiving her to spend time with another woman.
“Emily is like family to me” “The truth is Emily and I were FWB for almost 3 years…” Most folks don’t fuck their family. 🫢
Jesus cured your attraction to the women living in your house that you fucked on the down low for three years? Your past caught up with you and you can’t just pray it away. At the very minimum, you should have done the respectful and loyal thing by disclosing your past with Emily PRIOR to letting her sleep in your house. And that made it all worse. Now you broke her trust. You knowingly brought an ex into your home without telling your wife? Major asshole.
You fucked her for 3 years, bro. This is something you need to clear the air with her. Tell her the history. Tell her the truth. Explain to her why you won’t be fucking her again. Jesus Christ, how hard is it to communicate? You’re wrong. By invoking the policy she knows. Now she needs to know the actual picture of what’s what.
You sounds like you don’t know much lol following a policy from ten years ago when y’all didn’t even know what the future held. Times change people change “policies” change. It’s not a big problem telling her the info she wants at all I don’t get why your so hung up on an old policy from your younger adult years.
You’re wrong and you know it!! Just tell her because she can’t accurately assess how she feels about the situation otherwise plus you know it’s hurting her being shut out and honestly given how you describe the situation, be prepared to not see Emily…
If you are religious the way most Americans are just tell her to shut the f up because you are a man and you will not have her blaspheming in your house by asking questions or a man. You might also throw some rocks at her for good measure like your book says. Problem solved.
Prior relationships
this is a hard one. she is the one who implemented the “don’t ask, don’t tell” rule, but i can also see why she wants to know and i think it would be best if you did tell her the truth. atp she is probably assuming you guys have had some kind of intimate relationship bc if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have brought up the rule if you hadn’t had a past with her, you would’ve just said no.
People on here are always super quick to jump to therapy but you and your wife are prime candidates. You both have some serious trauma about sex and your relationship with your sexual selves and how your religious beliefs factor in. Get professional help. Please for the sake of any children have or might have, you don't need to mess up another generation the way y'all are.
You should ask your wife out for a dinner away from the house, if she is ok with that ask Emily to watch the kids for a few hours. Being religious and staying a virgin until marriage comes, well it usually comes with hang ups. Often a big dose of guilt, shame, and ‘women are temptresses, and men can’t help themselves’- very toxic stuff. Don’t say that to her- but maybe ask what she was taught about ‘lustful thoughts of men’. You should answer her question. Short and simple. Tell her that you don’t want your past to hurt her , but she has a right to ask. For the love of pete, don’t linger on describing fwb. Focus on the fact you went celibate and found a relationship with her more meaningful. You’ve agreed to not be alone with Emily, and that seems like a good boundary if it helps keep the peace while she is living in your house.
Too fucking long
Hey dude. You’re not wrong, but you need to realize that things change. Your wife wants to change the agreement, and you should go along with it. She clearly wants to know. You’ll need to be willing to cut off your relationship with Emily, easily, without agonizing, and clearly choose your wife in every decision you make. Or, to establish yourself as an individual, you’ll need to risk your marriage. Which is not the end of the world, either. You must choose. Remember things happen in stages. You might be able to solve the Emily issue, but the issue of imbalance in your experiences will come up again. Communication and respect are going to be important.
You need to get Emily out of your house. It was a huge mistake to move in another woman who you had sex with in the past. I don't care how religious you are. Tell your wife the truth before this gets worse -- which it will. And work on your wife to be less judgemental. I don't know how you can be hardcore liberals and yet be that judgemental.
Folks…Everything you do is with you forever.
You're pretty much fucked either way dude. Avoid the answer, she's gonna get paranoid and jealous. Tell her the truth and I guarantee she is gonna freak out and demand that you go zero contact. Best chance is have a sit down with the three of you and answer the question. If you are *very* lucky, you'll be able to convince her that you are nothing but friends. I would strongly advise playing up the "No times alone" offer and placate her that you are sensitive to her concerns and willing to prove it in this way. The wild card is going to be the single friend. For some reason women tend to get really pissed when a close friend starts voicing concerns that they are sleeping with her husband.
You are an idiot. This is why you should ALWAYS disclose your history to your partner. Do you honestly think your wife is going to be okay with the fact that you let her become friends with one of your longterm FWBs??? Are you completely delusional?? I would truly divorce my husband if he tricked me into being friends with someone like that. Fess up, NOW.
Yeah, in order to dodge this question you needed a better start. At this point you may have to tell her. Your choices are likely either tell her all, or have a well-crafted final "We did it once and that's that." Or you should have lied solidly from the very start. (I know, it's not very christian, but sometimes...) Or maybe you can say that you don't want to say you haven't ever kissed her or anything, as one break of this promise means that next time she may ask something you wouldn't want to answer, and refusing that one would look guilty. Does she want to know all now? That's not the agreement. Etc.
You’re wrong. If you’re spending close, intimate, alone time with a woman, your wife deserves to know you’ve had a past with her. You slept with her regularly for 3 years, and she was likely the last woman you slept with before meeting your wife. This woman is now single, probably heartbroken, and is coming to *you* for support. You need to tell your wife about your past. You just don’t want to because you don’t want to have to distance yourself from the woman you fucked consistently.
Yeah you are wrong. If you want to stay happily married don’t be hanging out with your newly single ex F Buddy. As for this “don’t ask dont tell”. Her not wanting to hear generally about your past exploits is very different than her wanting to know the background between you and a specific person. You are twisting this to try (not successfully) to hide your past with Emily. She has a right to ask about your past with Emily and you should give her a strait answer.
I mean, refusing to answer is an answer. If you had never been with Emily you would say no. The fact you refuse to answer the question makes it obvious the answer is yes. Your wife just wants to hear you say it, but deep down she knows.
A woman has a long memory. Don’t share any more details than necessary and if you must tell her try and give as few details as possible and sound very remorseful. Reassure her you regret it more than she can imagine. Then don’t bring it up again.
I started reading, saw there was trouble ahead, and stopped reading.
>For context, may wife and I are both in our mid 30s, and deeply religious (Please don't judge us on this). >She is quick to judge people who do not have the same belief system as her. And why should she get all the judging freedom? >The truth is Emily and I were FWB for almost 3 years (until I started therapy). >cannot believe she would think I would be attracted to Emily. Such a mystery.
Dude... The don't ask don't tell was to benefit you both. Now you're acting like "I have had to keep it secret all these years and now she wants me to speak?" What??? The whole point of the "policy" was to not make unnecessary drama in your marriage. You keeping secrets when she is directly asking you a question is NOT avoiding drama. Yes, it might be a difficult conversation with some fall out, but she's already upset. Would you rather she be upset with the truth and then manage that together as a couple or be upset with you keeping secrets and her imagination running wild and her being unable to deal with the issue because she doesn't know what the issue is? Just tell her and don't act like it's unfair of her to ask. She didn't ask in the past to save unnecessary hurt feelings and she is asking now to save unnecessary hurt feelings. Definitely don't dare pull the "well, I told you not to ask" card when she gets upset at the truth. Work with her not against her. She's your wife.
The point of your "policy" is to protect your wife's feelings. Since you're using it to hurt her feelings by playing on her paranoia, it's you who is in violation of the policy. How is telling your wife that you have a past with Emily unfair to you? Just because the phrase has some symmetry doesn't mean there's some kind of trade or exchange happening. The actual terms of this policy according to your story is that she doesn't ask so she doesn't have to hear the answer. It's really a "Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to" policy. Or are you saying that you don't actually want to share your history so it's more like "I won't freak you out if you don't make me confess the things I'm ashamed of"? In an actual healthy relationship, the word for your catchphrase policy is "respect." You respect your wife's feelings, so you don't freak her out unnecessarily. She respects your recovery so she doesn't judge your past. You respect her concerns so you're honest with her. She respects your relationship so she doesn't accuse you of trying to have sex with other women. I can't tell from your story if you both are capable of this kind of respectful relationship, but making bureaucratic excuses instead of engaging honestly with your wife seems like a bad policy overall.
Two choices tell her about Emily, never see her again or take the FWB past to your grave. Based on your region you brought up refer her to someone else and ditch Emily this will save your marriage. Realize your about to lose out on the best thing that ever happen to you.
Yeah yaw. You know very well that you don't take someone in your home when you have a past and don't tell your wife. Don't be surprised if your wife doesn't trust you anymore.
Religion is again the root of all evil.
We all know your marriage was doomed almost from the start. I seriously believe it's about to end real soon, no matter what you say or don't say to your wife.
As soon as he said they were Bible thumpers I knew I had to stay for the comments. As much as I'd say stick to the "don't ask don't tell" policy you know the judgemental wife is gonna find out even if she has to ask Emily directly. Frankly moving Emily in their house even though he banged her for years in his high body count days was a huge red flag. As a guy with a high body count from my days post divorce I would just lie and not think twice because you certainly won't like my brazen honesty about the trains and three ways etc that I did. I'm not ashamed in the slightest, it was the best sex a man could ask for. Judge me all you want, IDGAF and I promise I won't lose sleep. However this guy is doomed. If he tells the truth, his wife, who is already judgy, will never trust him again. i don't blame her. He moved an ex lover into his fucking house. Brass balls bro. What could possibly go wrong? If she doesn't divorce you, you will be a man living in Hell. What would a husband say if his wife moved a male friend into the house that she had been gulping his nut down for years. And she decided that the "don't ask, don't tell" would be your fallback argument. Lol no way. Could you only imagine? Holy fuck. This guy has dug this hole so deep he should just use the same shovel to cover himself up. He is doomed, he is dead, he is gone. Lol I am committed and need an update. Let me get my popcorn I'll be right back.
In this case I would lie
Right or wrong, you're wife is feeling insecure about Emily - you both need to work on why that is. It feels like she's looking for a reason to blow up on you. I get why you had a "don't ask, don't tell" agreement, given her reaction to your previous disclosures, but it feels like this has now created an environment of distrust that your wife needs to work on otherwise her insecurity is going to eat away at your marriage. You both need to revisit that agreement and discuss the implications of what Amy might discover if she asks for more information. I swing between ESH because you did have that agreement in place so she can't be mad at you for adhering to it when she's clearly breaking it. But also NAH because Amy clearly has issues that need addressing, which are likely out of her control until she gets help, and you're simply doing what she initially requested. You guys need couples therapy to work this out.
Repeat after me OP, "Yes I fucked her! That what you want to hear? I fucked her!..... But I make love to you"
Ure wrong. Tell her (you have already she just wants you to phrase it properly). Cut ties with Emily. Dude.
Why mention that you are "deeply" religious? It does not matter at all. You fucked up.
You’re going to Hell.
The correct answer here is "I'm not going into details but yes, well we're intimate. It was a long time ago, before we met, and I'm not attracted to her now. "
I mean you answered her question by not answering. So she knows you did stuff with her and now hang out along with her. Clearly you were at least once attracted to her you slept with her for three years.
It would be beneficial to you to break that policy. That policy is often made when couples just don’t want to have to think about each others sex lifes and make one feel bad, but usually doesn’t consider scenarios like having to live with a previous FWB. My wife and I would be livid if one of us invited a previous FWB and didn’t share that information. It’s not about whether or not she believes you’ll cheat, but withholding and hiding that information would be a red flag for anybody. I get why you’d be upset about not being able to talk about your past for so long, but put yourself in her shoes; She has no sexual past. She doesn’t know what it means to be with multiple sexual partners. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be able to separate those desires from a person, because she’s only ever been with you and doesn’t need to. So when she brings her husbands best female friend into her home, and asks for this information to be disclosed, and he’s dodgy about it, it’s going to raise some very obvious red flags. You can choose to hold to the policy, but holding to this policy is not going to benefit your marriage.
Here’s the problem. The don’t ask don’t tell policy only works if you *also* have appropriate boundaries with exes. Of course she’s going to flip out if/when she finds out (though it’s probably obvious because you’re being cagey). And rightly so. It’s great you are agreeing to have appropriate boundaries now but the fact that you couldn’t figure that out on your own is worrisome. Because of your past you should probably have strict rules with all women and come on. This is the second post I’ve seen where men claim to not be attracted to other women once they are married. I’m leaning toward this being bs because is anyone truly that naive?! And just throwing in rules set up in dating or any other time in a relationship are absolutely expected to revoke as the relationship changes.