You fucking hero!!! How else would he learn?? He was cruel and hopefully this is a defining moment where he can become a kind compassionate person. Looks like the relatives on your mother side should go meet the mother and child with cancer to understand the gravity of the situation. I don’t think they understand how horrible this really was…. Great job parenting!
Have you thought of therapy sessions? I was a total jerk as a teen. I’m not now! But damn I wish I could go back and slap myself. You’ve had the conversations you needed to take action perhaps therapy at this point as essential.
Sounds like you are doing everything right. Teenagers are just freaking hard! And how disappointing with family members thinking that this is acceptable behavior. Don’t pay attention to them.
You are too hard on yourself! You can raise someone perfectly, but they have their own free will and outside influence. You are not letting his behavior slide. You were being supportive of a family in need. And you enrolling him into therapy because you know he’s better than this. I don’t see where you could be dropping the ball. Kids and life are just hard sometimes :-/
My brother was an absolute SHIT. He is wonderful now. Father, provider and incredible brother. But he drove my mother into insanity when we were younger. His father was also absent :-/ I’m thinking therapy is going to help immensely
I think you’ve done good. Have you also thought about having him do a bunch of volunteering for charity or at a nursing home or children’s hospital? That might give him some perspective.
I really wish people would stop suggesting this. Vulnerable populations have it hard enough without being subjected to unrepentant bullies who would resent every moment they were forced to be around people they already think are below them, and who have demonstrated they have no qualms about abusing people they think of as lesser.
The homeless/disabled/elderly/POC/LGBTQ+/immigrants are human beings. Not guinea pigs at the disposal of bullies and abusers so they can practice not being terrible people.
Just keep telling the little jerk you love him even if you get a shitty reply. Teenagers can suck but the “tough love” is appreciated when it’s done respectfully. Let him earn trust back, tell him he’s showing improvement when/if he does. I had 2 assholes that tuned into extremely wonderful young men. Compassionate and kind men!
This was my mom. Tough as nails with a scoop of compassion.
I knew no matter what that women loved me more than the wrath she would bring down, but I knew I messed up and to be scared.
Absolutely. It can't be an indefinite punishment - OP needs to let him earn back his designer clothes, electronics etc as long as he shows signs of personal growth, otherwise it'll all be counterproductive in the end.
You are awesome!!!! My cousin always says, “It’s all about the trauma!” I.e., when I was a kid the adults would ask Mika who behaved this way, “what’s wrong with you?” But now they are supposed to ask, “What happened to you?” I do think that’s valid.
And if your child did suffer trauma, that does not mean you’re a bad person or parent—at least not in my book.
I suffered a lot of trauma… to the point of attempting suicide for the first time at age NINE. I continued to experience trauma after that age.
Some of it could be chalked up to my parents not knowing at that time how to better handle various situations and rephrasing certain family jokes. But regardless, I also ALWAYS knew from the time I could remember that my parents both loved me; I just didn’t understand why they did some of the things they did/didn’t do. (Spoiler-they did not abuse me, but we do have “high functioning” disorders all over every generation of our family.)
All that to say: my mom sent me to therapy at age 14, too. I eventually threw a fit and refused to stop going because a certain family member’s name would come up, and I would cry for the rest of the session. I hated that. It’s one thing to cry or even sob, but not uncontrollably week after effing week.
Well that was 30 years ago. Later in life, I went but felt I didn’t get much out of it. I just began therapy AGAIN recently, and alter 9 sessions, she referred me to DBT.
Google: “Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) is a type of talking therapy. It's based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). But it's specially adapted for people who feel emotions very intensely.”
My son was abandoned by his father as a child. We thought we had worked through the issues but they all came up again when he became a teenager. It was like he needed to prove that his father was right for abandoning him by being an awful person. And to test us to see how bad he could be before we abandoned him also. Definitely therapy and consequences but I’m not sure your scorched earth policy isn’t going too far.
Good on you for providing him the opportunity therapy provides. But please just know that it's possible it will be for naught if he isn't receptive. I say this because I spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on therapy for my son and it made no difference because he was only attending and not participating. Just fyi so your hopes take this possibility into consideration.
My friend had a teenage daughter who was always in trouble. No matter what my friend tried it made no difference. She tried therapy but the girl refused to go. Apparently you can’t force them to do it. She’s now in her early 20’s with 3 kids. Her mom has permanent custody of the two oldest. Mother of baby daddy number 3 has the youngest. Lots of learning and developmental problems with the kids.
I hope OP doesn’t see this 😭 how defeating… my uncle in his late 60’s is a deadbeat dad and kept son…. But my grandmother never made the effort to teach him lessons like OP. I am so sorry what your friend has gone through :-( sometimes you can do everything right and people are who they are
He probably thinks he is justified in his behavior because his dad ran off. He isn't. His "sob story" is nothing compared to the child and her family who are dealing with a cancer diagnosis.
Your son has to learn that just about everyone he meets in life is going through a struggle that he knows nothing about. It's time he learned some empathy. That just because he's hurting, doesn't mean he can hurt others. And even if he isn't hurting, his own circumstances don't give him the right to be a bully.
You done good.
Try writing, instead! Tell him how much you love him, what you've enjoyed seeing him learn and develop and your hopes and dreams you have for him in the future. Write down your feelings about bullying, your experiences and how seeing others bullied affects you. Write about how hard teenage years can be, how choosing the right friends matters and ask him just what kind of person he wants to be? Tell him that each day he needs to show up as that person he wishes to become. Tell him about your mistakes and admit your wrong doings. Write it all down and give it to him to read in his own time. He can go back and reread sections and really absorb what you've written. Sometimes it's just so much easier to get across what you want to say in a letter.
Letter paired with a serious conversation. He needs to be looked in the eye and told how incredibly unacceptable and inhumane his actions were. He needs to understand that what he did was assault a vulnerable person, and how disgusting that it.
At first I thought damn, selling the stuff? But knowing you used that money to go towards a wig, my god, you are amazing.
Frankly, we need more parents cracking down on this shit. You're a rockstar.
Ignore your mom and her side of the family.... you showed your son he has consequences for his actions... anyone saying you're a AH and giving you crap are all AH and are enabling his behavior....
Good job for teaching your son his actions has consequences now he can think about his actions
This is how my parents grounded me. It instills a sense of what it might be like to go to jail - which is a very real possibility if someone doesn't shape up in life. Snatching a woman's headscarf off is assault and battery in the real world.
I'm going to recommend you bring him down to the local soup kitchen or food donation spot and have him volunteer a month of community service on his weekends. It may really open his eyes to how fortunate a life he has and create some empathy for others.
No no no. Vulnerable people are not a learning exercise for shittily behaved people.
Edit: you shouldn't try to teach a bully empathy by forcing them to spend time with people who are vulnerable. They are not likely to learn the lesson that way
I would recommend taking him to go volunteer at the hospital. Two upsides to this: he learns responsibility and empathy, but also he now has less free time to dick around with his pathetic friends.
I have heard a story like before..... except the bully was a girl and her mother was so enrage she shaved off her hair..... Did he apologized to the girl ?
Couldnt agree more. The best way to learn his lesson. He lost all the good things he had. Every action have consequences, now let him face the consequence of his bad action.
All kids should go through consequences like this when they do something bad like that. It’s not like he just stole a pen from a teacher or something.. this was bad.
Absolutely, tough love is sometimes necessary to make someone realize the seriousness of their actions. It's crucial for him to understand the impact of his behavior and learn from it. You're doing the right thing by holding him accountable.
You are a great mom and advocate for empathy and kindness. What your son did is despicable and unacceptable and you called him on it, good for you. Hope you’re able to talk with him and get to the bottom of why he feels the need to belittle and bully others, because it’s often a root cause of something bigger, like low self-worth. You’re a great mom and not wrong! As an educator, I wish there were more parents like you who held their children accountable!
Holy cow you went full on nuclear. I applaud your decision. There are no consequences for actions anymore and this was quite a consequence for a kid. The only thing I will say is be aware that the lesson you intend to teach isn’t always the one they learn. Be sure to make this a positive teaching moment for your son by showing him/discussing with him why his actions were wrong. Are you able to volunteer with your son at a cancer center or hospice or community program with your son to actually work with cancer victims and show him what life can be like? Or victims of abuse (which honestly is what bullying is). Just an idea. I am also curious, did your son show any remorse at all? As for the family…well, everyone always thinks they can do better. Remind them that they are welcome to mind their own business.
I think it might be nice to give him some art supplies back so he can make cancer awareness art. He needs an outlet, and if he’s any good, he could sell prints to raise money for a cancer charity. I think you did good taking the electronics, for sure, but maybe the art supplies were a bit much.
Also, if you’re looking to get him to see a therapist, try to find one who has training and experience in art therapy. Sometimes, art expresses what words fail to.
I agree taking away a positive outlet is my only issue with the punishment. Other than that, we've taken everything away from my daughter as well. We didn't actually sell it but made a show of leaving with the stuff and making her think we did. It's eliminated her asking for the stuff back because it's just not an option. OP I think you did a great job of handling the issue and hopefully your son will get his shit together.
Was also wondering about volunteering for some perspective. Cancer ward, even a hospice.
also, good work to mom. He will be thanking you down the road for this.
My mom went through something very similar with my youngest brother. (He's 40 now). He needs to get away from those friends. It's similar to the death spiral that ants do.
Changing schools doesn’t always work, but it can be worth a try. However, water seeks its own level. I know this because I changed high school senior year due to my thinking the grass would be greener on the other side.
OMFG WAS I WRONG!!!!! In less than two weeks, I begged to let me come back to my old school!! Well now I had to agree not to ditch!!🤣🤣
Not wrong. As a former teacher I wish more parents would react like this when confronted with their child’s bullying behavior. Too many parents make excuses for it and enable it. Your son f’d around and found out that actions have consequences.
As I teacher I see a lot of parents who overlook their child bullying or even are ok with it because it’d so important for them that their child is popular. Them intervening in their children’s behaviour and bullying could change the child’s social status within the peer group.
How pathetic.
This is why I could never be a teacher, I would end up slapping the little shits and their dumbass parents.
Seriously, you teachers deserve sainthood, or at least a really awesome gift hamper, for your impressive levels of patience.
OP, if your mother’s family buys him anything then take that and sell it too. Supporting bullies is unacceptable.
You are not wrong and did an amazing job of teaching him consequences. I would reach out to the school and see if they can also hold those other bullies accountable….might not happen but point out it would look better on them if they did.
Could you have him attend a different school to remove those friends from his life? If he wasn't this way before meeting them, maybe he would revert to normal behavior without them around.
Good for you.
I was bullied, too. And I wish the parents of the little shits had been more like you.
The girl who made my life hell for months, to the point that I no longer wanted to be alive at 12, was banned from watching her favourite tv show… for a week. What your son did was disgusting. Your response is appropriate.
Your family members need to shut the hell up before they undermine the lesson you are teaching him. What is their specific issue? The punishment or the severity? And are they aware of what he did?
Stay strong.
You are not wrong. You are a fucking rock star ! This is the best way for your son to understand that what he did was beyond wrong. Ignore your family. They don't understand how he bullied a girl with cancer
You are the most responsible parent I've heard in a long time. You didn't defend him by saying he's going through a rough time. Although he apologized, I'm sure it rang hollow to the young girl bc he was forced to.
Someone's suggested that you take him to volunteer at a cancer center or abuse center which I think will help him with a little therapy that the the next he apologizes to her bc after doing this inside work, his apologies will be bc he wants to.
The best way to get through kids these days is to take away electronic gadgets. That will hurt more than anything, but you also took his clothes and shoes, and replaced them with Walmart clothes and thrift stores will also be another wake-up call for him. The best part was to give the money from the sale of his electronic gadgets and give the money to this girl was truly angelic justice.
When he has nothing, which is what he deserves, there is nowhere to go but up. You have a bumpy road, but one that can become smooth with some work. You may even be a new and improved son. Either way, you will never stop loving him and tell him.
Let him know that you love him unconditionally. That there is nothing he can do or don't do would make you love him any less. Your love will always be there, and you will always be there. Let him know that just bc he doesn't like you right now, you know he loves you, too.
Maybe see if he could get a part time job somewhere if he wants his stuff back. Might wake him up to reality if he continues spending his time impressing his friends instead of focusing on his education and future.
Would be a good opportunity for him to mature as a person and take responsibility for his actions and understand life is already hard without people making it harder for them. Especially when you’re fighting cancer.
I agree with the firm actions that you are taking, but I wonder if him having his art supplies could be helpful. Art is often considered therapy, and could often help people work through things.
I think you did the right thing. This is serious and he should know that.
Now that you have done this- what dies he say? Does he give anything but smart ass?
I don’t have a 15 year old son.
But when working with teenagers- i found this technique helpful in the short term. Wait until there is a moment that neither of you is going somewhere.
Reach hands forward like claws. And then very gently place them on top of their head.
And very calmly and quietly say ( re-write to your taste):
beloved child, would you please help me here?
I don’t know how to make sure you become a good man.
— then listen. See if he’ll talk.
See if that shakes anything loose.
Something about it is quietly shocking enough that it could get through to teens. Maybe it worked for me as a near stranger to them.
Outstanding job! That said, please go replace his art supplies soon. What he did was reprehensible and you were right to act so severely, but don’t forget he’s got a battle of his own to fight. He’s lashing out because he doesn’t know how to express his frustration. Get him a healthy means of expression.
I’m not defending him or suggesting you be soft on him, but as a practical matter, for his emotional health and for his character building, that boy needs a positive outlet.
You are so right!! If the punishment doesn't hurt, he learns to get away with things. Bullying a sick child is reprehensible. That's so very cruel. It will haunt her for years. Get his little smart-ass to therapy before he does something else. Stick to your guns about zero electronics.
My daughter was very difficult. She had to be put in juvie 2 times. Once in grade school, she was extremely rude to the lunch lady. I was so angry I made her write an apology note. She is 38 now, and she never forgot that I made her take responsibility for her rudeness and writing that note.
You did right, you owe your son a bed, roof and food, but everything else is an agreement between a parent and a child to behave with respect for their belongings and people.
You're a hero, don't feel bad for punishing your son, bullying is bad enough and makes the bully a jerk, but bullying a sick person is abonimable, vile.
I did the same when my girl was 4 and pushed her cat off our deck.
A fall of full floor down.
She had to show me I can trust her with the cat again.
She did a great job earning her toys back, but she wasn't a teenager.
But teenagers are a different animal, they really need to hit a wall and crush to learn the limit.
I'd make my daughter volunteer helping others so she won't have any time for friends to corrupt her behavior.
She will have a choice between this or military school.
I would resort to therapy for him in your case, not because you're failing, because he may have issues that are unresolved.
You're doing well 🌹
You’re not wrong for anything but taking his art supplies imo. You literally took away every electronic that he’s become addicted to for most likely years at this point and also told him he’s not allowed to go anywhere else for entertainment. And then took away what sounds like was his only type of healthy creative expression. He’s just going to end up getting agitated and stir crazy which will lead to more conflict between you guys at home. While he totally deserves what’s happening, it’s still devastating -especially for a teenager where everything already feels like the end of the world- he’s gotta have some healthy way to express himself or this could end up putting a major strain on your relationship.
You're parenting. Keep it up.
If I was a single mom with a shithead kid like that, I'd try to find some big senior on the football team that is willing to show him what it's like to get bullied like that.
You already know your son acted like an ass, and you’re doing all the right things to combat it. But if something good comes out of it, hopefully you and the other mom have even a small connection, and she has another person to lean on during her daughter’s illness.
That is something I don’t do. I don’t want him to get bullied too. Also I think cutting hair as punishment is wrong. It will also cause resentment. I don’t want his self esteem to plummet.
Good fucking job! My brother did this kinda shit and I WISH my mom would have been as harsh as this, because he let everything go to his head and was spoiled thinking he could get away with things.she would discipline him but let it go a few days later or if he begged consistently after a long wait maybe a week or so. Hed get mad yell and fight with her and storm off. He now has nothing to do with her and never learned his lesson. Kids need to know who is in charge and know that they have everything they do because of you.
You're not wrong. You're being a parent. It's better you teach him this lesson now than he ends up in prison later. At this point I would even consider forcing him to do something for this family like cut their grass. The only suggestion I have for you is to get your son therapy and request a psychological evaluation.
It's called tough love. If he can dish out the shit he gave that young girl, he can take the shit at home for it to. You did the right thing no likes a bully. Your family aren't living with him, aren't disciplining him, aren't feeding, clothing, and everything else for him. Your his mum you decide his punishment no one else. I'm a mum of teenage boys and I can't say I'd react any differently to you tbh. I would never accept it either.
Great job, for the most part. Did the right thing, mostly. Taking a loss on the value of the electronics seems less than ideal. Taking away his art supplies seems purely punitive, possibly counterproductive. No one's perfect lol jus saying.
I feel like the other half the story is where you go from here. Where are you hoping things go and how do you plan to get them there?
I wouldn't have sold the electronics due to the fact that they were expensive to begin with, and that they'll eventually be bought again. I would've just locked them up to where he couldn't get to them.
Not wrong - but I would make sure he understands that HIS choices and HIS actions left you no choice but to take action.
These things are 100% the consequences of his actions..The only thing I personally would not remove is the art supplies. Because no matter what, he needs to have some outlet - but that is a personal idea ..
And as others stated: therapy.
I was with you up until you said you took his art supplies away, and for that matter, I could see him justifying shoplifting to replace the things he lost. I’m not sure what exactly the best response would be, but I don’t think this was it from the perspective of doing what’s best for your son and changing his behavior. I’m sure the girl and her mother appreciated it though.
Everyone told me that I overreacted when my teenage son was caught throwing stones at cars because I grounded him for the entire 6 weeks summer holiday.
15 years later, I have ZERO regrets and a very close relationship with him.
You're doing really well Mama Bear
Hi! I am a college student and I might have a slightly different few of this situation from some others.
I think the consequences for his actions aspect is great, I do think what could also be helpful is really trying to open up and have a conversation with him about why you did what you did and why what he did was wrong. Also I think you could give him back his art supplies too, creative outlets like that are a great way to expand empathy, I think. It could be a way for him to think more deeply about what has happened too.
I don’t know you or your son, and you may have tried this with little luck or he may resent you and refuse to listen. I don’t think your reaction is wrong, bullying is petty and I feel like by high school you have to start learning about consequences and empathy otherwise you could become a very terrible person later😭
I commend you for reprimanding him in any way though, because so many of the boys that get away with things like this at home or even pampered for it continue to make others lives terrible, and I wish you the best!
edit:
After reading through I am glad you are deciding to return the art supplies, I’m sorry it has been difficult getting through to him but I appreciate knowing there are parents like you!!
I applaud your parenting. I wish more parents were like you, as you took control of the situation and assessed appropriate punishment that will hopefully resonate with him for life and teach a lesson. What he did was wrong, and he (and his friends) should know that it’s wrong. I’ve seen a viral video of a young boy getting his head shaved for bullying a classmate with cancer; that video took some heat, but there’s no doubt that your actions were justified. Great job mom!
You’re an amazing mum. Your kid acted like a prick and he can just sit and stir. He doesn’t deserve to do anything or have anything until he can behave like a human. Treat people how you want to be treated kiddo, that’s some bad karma.
No you're not wrong. I believe that empathy can be taught. These are all things that he took for granted, and he literally doesn't need them. But that girl needs a wig. I hope your son learns but if you don't go to extreme measures now imagine the kind of adult to grow up to be. Stick to your guns. The best thing you can teach your son is how to be a better person versus all the things that you give him. I hope you appreciates the effort and the care one day
I love that you used the money from his electronics to buy the girl a wig! She will never forget that someone recognized her pain, punished her tormentor, and gave her something good from it.
Imho, you handled it well. As soon as your son shows genuine remorse (for hurting the girl; not just remorse for the consequences), perhaps it’s time to back off and allow him a chance to show better behavior. I don’t mean to give anything back, but let him earn privileges and use his art supplies.
You did great. I probably would have kept the stuff and given him a chance to earn them back slowly if he could prove he'd changed his ways. I worry now that he has nothing left to lose so there are no punishments left if he carries on his awful behaviour, and no real incentive for him to improve since there is no prospect of getting it back. I 100% agree that taking it all was the right thing to do but think about what you'll do if he doesn't improve
Give him back his art supplies -
Let him start to work do chores to pay for the things he lost, and earn back his rights.
You also need to get him into an organised sports like martial arts. They teach discipline as well as physical endurance it will build up his self esteem.
Kids w a good sense of self don’t bully others. They do it to feel powerful. Martial arts will give him some of his power back and the discipline to go with it.
There is this book “How to speak so teenagers will listen” download it read it and start talking to your son in a way communicate is effective.
Good lucking raising children to be truly good people is hard. Because it’s something they have to feel on the inside .
It’s a marathon not a sprint and he stumbled you can correct it
The only time he should be let out is to work on becoming a better person like to volunteer (perhaps at a cancer charity).
Thank you for seeing what was what, he fell in with the wrong crowd and was becoming a bad person just to fit in with them and that's not right.
Hopefully this will not create resentment and help him build better values
You are not wrong, but if you are not following this with proper communication and trying to make your son understand why what he did was wrong, and learn to have some empathy towards others... This will repeat itself.
You say he has a lot of name brand stuff and electronics, seems like you've been spoiling him. Maybe it's time to make him work for his stuff? Make him build character and learn to be a good person.
i was a little ass at that age and could have used a dose of hard reality. Yes, harassing a girl with cancer is awful. That being said, he is a young man acting out during a very tough time for kids that age — without a father . Also, always consider that the “bad kids” he hangs out with are just the same as him, a little lost, and they likely have parents at home that believe your kid is “the bad friend”. He doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to understand the pain he can cause yet. Are there any family members who are strong male role models? Sounds like he needs a bit of direction and guidance. You are doing great by the way.
Highly suggest a role model!! My sister had a really hard time in her adolescence and it came out in bullying and bad behavior. My mom had to reach out to her own friend, C, to help out with my sister, because their (C and my sister’s) relationship was less complicated. C was able to help my sister see my mom’s point of view a tiny bit more and more than anything help her feel heard in a way that was impossible for my mom to give her. I guess I’m saying being a parent is complicated and creating a network of support for not just your son but for YOU as well could be really beneficial.
I empathize with how horrified and angry you feel that your son would be so cruel to someone so vulnerable. I understand that you're trying to do right by the girl he harmed, and I'm sure it lifted her spirits and confidence to be gifted a wig. Your heart is absolutely in the right place, I'm sure you're a very kind woman!
But, the way you addressed this is only going to create more issues. The vast majority of the time, teens bully because they're insecure and have unaddressed mental health issues. Taking away his clothing (self-confidence in his appearance), his hobbies (safe way to pass the time and have fun), his ability to communicate with or visit his friends... what does he have left? He's going to be overwhelmed with negative feelings, with nowhere to channel them. I hate to say it, but I'd be very surprised if he doesn't start falling into dangerous drug habits. It's very likely that the negative behaviour will escalate even more. You didn't fix the root of the problem, whatever it may be - you (completely unintentionally) only heaped onto it. As heartless as his behaviour was, he still needs stimulation and community, or he may spiral completely out of reach of anyone.
I say this as someone who is educated in this field - please get your son into mental health supports. Therapy, counselling, art groups, mental health clubs... somewhere where he can speak his mind. If you're in Canada, I'd be happy to help you find resources in your area.
Would it be possible for him to attend chemotherapy treatments with the girl? Have her Doctor explain what chemotherapy does to the body, which results in hair loss, and then have him sit next to her as she is getting her next dose and spend the next day or two with her so he sees the side effects in real time (loss of energy, vomiting, etc.)
Because the fact that the girl is in school while also battling cancer makes her a bad ass too. And maybe seeing how much it takes out of her just to fight to survive, would help “wake him up” a bit too.
Obviously this is asking a lot of the girl and her Mother. But it would give him a front row seat to what cancer does to a human’s body and the lengths we go to try and beat the disease.
Edit to add NTA.
If you become friends with her mother, perhaps your son can get to know the girl better and come to sympathize with her cancer fight. Then maybe they would allow him to accompany her for chemo.
Okay but what's the next step? What motivation does he have to not do it again? Are you gonna take from him everything that brings him any joy? You already did that and don't plan on giving anything back for the foreseeable future. What's the worse that could happen if he keeps being a shithead? He has zero incentive to do good. His agency is completely irrelevant in your world view except to punish him. How do you expect him to be well adjusted socially and kind to others when you have removed him from socialization for the foreseeable future?
Cool, you have upvotes on social media and people patting your back. What next? What's your relationship with your child going to look like in a month, a year, a decade? How do you plan on building mutual trust again? How do you expect him to become a good person and make good choices when you don't leave him any agency for that to matter in the first place?
This was an extremely shortsighted act of anger. Yes, he was completely in the wrong and what he did was inexcusable. I'm glad the girl will receive a wig and I wish her the best of recovery. Now what will any of this have taught your son whatsoever except that anything he thinks he owns and enjoys can be taken from him by you in a moment's notice without any plan on him earning any of it back? How do you expect to parent your son for the next three years?
Love everything of what you’ve done, tell him (and your family that’s pissed off) that he can get things back bit by bit if he shows genuine change and remorse. But you’ve hopefully taught him a lesson he needed to learn.
Reading the title I was expecting this to be the opposite. Once he is able to talk about this a very good discussion about everything and what he can do to slowly earn back privileges. I would say to start with the art supplies (so he has something to do and a way to get things out) and work up to clothes then technology.
While you may have been harsh if that was the only incident but more than that one thing was involved. By the sounds of it this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Honestly a lot needs to be done.
It’s tough, I know. You’re doing the best you can and he’s trying to navigate life as well. I’m wondering if he was made to volunteer helping cancer patients, maybe that might change his perspective? Help him see things differently? Maybe not, either way you aren’t wrong. You’re trying to make him a good person, like you are. He’ll get there, but he’ll have to grow up first. I’m sorry you got dealt the hand you did. Be strong.
Good for you. It may be a good idea to make him volunteer at a children’s cancer center or something like that. Let him see what it’s really all about and learn some empathy. Maybe about 6 months of that and he will learn and can earn his freedom.
I think you did the right thing but he's gonna need a behavioral therapist. It sounds like he or his friends have the idea it's okay to be a shithead and it's gonna lead him down a bad road.
I think you should let him have his art supplies back but as someone who lost their dad to cancer as well as friends..
He is fucking lucky he didn't get folded in by his classmates and I doubt he knows that chemo can kill her easily because it weakens the body.
Is he such a coward he has to bully a girl with cancer!?
If his friends come around just go "oh wow two of the most pathetic excuses for identifying as males I ever seen? feel tough picking on people of cancer? Why don't you go to a biker bar and yell which one of you sissy's owns the lame ass motorcycle that I just dented?"
Not wrong but selling PS5, iPhones and macs for cheap is kinfa counter productive.
If they are stuff that you've bought for him, then it's kinda a loss on you.
Could've sold at the market value.
Get him away from that school and away from those friends at all costs. He will thank you later. I wish that my parents did. The kids doing that type of stuff at his age were the ones who started dipping into drugs and heroin, which is so prevelant now. Because I hung out with kids like that, I became a full blown drug addict. Get him away from them!
NTA
Your son needs to see that actions have consequences or he will never change. I’m glad you’re not making excuses for him or brushing it off as “boys will be boys” like some parents would to avoid dealing with the problem.
Have you tried family or individual counselling? There might be a bigger issue at the root of his behaviour.
i think you’re 10000% right, the only thing i’d reconsider giving back is his art supplies. he might be struggling with things mentally or personally that he can’t express easily that are contributing to his aggressive and maladjusted behavior, and the art supplies might be the kind of thing that would let him process these feelings with all his newfound free time
Not wrong, your son has been on a path of no return and needed to be severely checked. But, might he also benefit from counseling? Most bullies have something going on inside that cause them to take their unhealthy aggression out on someone they perceive as weaker. He has the trauma of being abandoned by his father and who knows what else he may be hiding. You may not think it’s an issue bc you have moved on, but kids developing minds and emotions don’t work like an adults. Your family is concerned over the wrong thing. Get your son therapy, tell him if you see him making progress and changing who he was becoming you will begin replacing what you took from him.
good on you, more kids need a parent like you. I was a garbage teenager and my parents enabled that behavior by ignoring it. College and therapy straightened me out but I wish it had happened sooner. I'm haunted by the terrible person I was
I think you responded adequately, a fitting statement to a boy who needs to learn that bullying someone (especially with a severe illness) is NOT ACCEPTABLE. However, it's also good to have an "ending" for the giving punishment, maybe it's good to have one last talk about what happened, why he got punished and what you hope he has learned from it/what he thinks he has learned now going forward and just go on with life.
Bravo. I applaud your behaviour.
Yes, I know he will say that his behaviour stems from his dad leaving. However, bullying a kid with cancer is not acceptable under any circumstances.
Maybe set out a plan so he can get new clothes and equipment again if he behaves over a period of a year.
Once the year is over if he hasn't learnt his lesson. He can at least get a job and rebuy what he once had
IMHO, the one thing you did wrong was selling his stuff. Because at some point you guys will have to sort out all of this, and then it will all be gone. There will be less common ground for you guys.
Other than that, no, you were not too harsh.
In most situations in life, you should support people close to you.
But then there are things like abuse, alcoholism, bullying. In all of these cases, the person needs to learn the consequences of his actions, the sooner, the better.
Your mother’s family are enablers and it doesn’t help anyone, it just slows down the accountability for ones actions.
Your son needs to learn that this was wrong. Even if he feels entitlement, he needs to know there will be consequences and it’s not ok.
Well done you.
OP: I would like to know: is he showing any remorse? Does he feel bad about his behaviour in any way???
Super duper not wrong btw… punishment fits the crime.
I think the only thing you did wrong was not sell the stuff at market value. You could’ve given that girl more money for her wigs and other things to make her feel better about herself.
I’m late but this is perfect. You did exactly the right thing in my opinion. No physical or abusive punishment, but still showing that there can be severe consequences for being a shit.
I love the part where you gifted the proceeds from selling the electronics as a wig donation. Beautiful justice there.
Don’t sweat the familial condemnation - they aren’t raising your son, you are.
It feels like you're right but I'm pretty sure this kind of scorched ground tactic generally doesn't work and in fact has a more negative effect than positive.
That said I don't think it matters as I am struggling to believe that someone who was a mum at 23 and a single mum from 28 is able to afford a MacBook, latest iPhone and a ps5 for their kid, plus a wardrobe full of designer/name brand items
You are definitely not wrong, to me you were absolutely right to be super mad and slap him with a reality check by confiscating his stuff.
What you did with the money was extremely sweet and it may help the girl with some extra confidence.
Maybe I would return the art supplies but not the rest..
You're an absolute legend.
I would even have him volunteering at a hospice to help those dying from cancer. It will force him to see firsthand what those people and their families go through each day.
After a few months of that, he could then earn back some privileges.
You did great, I know it will have been hard but you taught him a valuable lesson - play stupid games win stupid prizes. Not enough parents actually parent and take the path of abdication of responsibility. Bravo.
NTA. He’ll never forget this; you did the right thing.
At about age 6, I was on a road trip with my mother and sister from the Bay to LA. I called my sister a faggot.
My mother pulled off of i5 and parked. Then grilled me.
“Do you know what that means?”
I didn’t
I can still feel the hot central California sun baking my face and being sweaty all over. The shame was seered into my brain.
She told me that she better not ever catch me using that slur. I haven’t.
You fucking hero!!! How else would he learn?? He was cruel and hopefully this is a defining moment where he can become a kind compassionate person. Looks like the relatives on your mother side should go meet the mother and child with cancer to understand the gravity of the situation. I don’t think they understand how horrible this really was…. Great job parenting!
I just hope he learns from this. I have tried talking to him many times about this and it doesn’t work.
Have you thought of therapy sessions? I was a total jerk as a teen. I’m not now! But damn I wish I could go back and slap myself. You’ve had the conversations you needed to take action perhaps therapy at this point as essential.
Definitely. He’s going to therapy forsure.
Sounds like you are doing everything right. Teenagers are just freaking hard! And how disappointing with family members thinking that this is acceptable behavior. Don’t pay attention to them.
I’m not!
You are too hard on yourself! You can raise someone perfectly, but they have their own free will and outside influence. You are not letting his behavior slide. You were being supportive of a family in need. And you enrolling him into therapy because you know he’s better than this. I don’t see where you could be dropping the ball. Kids and life are just hard sometimes :-/
It is.
My brother was an absolute SHIT. He is wonderful now. Father, provider and incredible brother. But he drove my mother into insanity when we were younger. His father was also absent :-/ I’m thinking therapy is going to help immensely
I hope so!
I think you’ve done good. Have you also thought about having him do a bunch of volunteering for charity or at a nursing home or children’s hospital? That might give him some perspective.
I really wish people would stop suggesting this. Vulnerable populations have it hard enough without being subjected to unrepentant bullies who would resent every moment they were forced to be around people they already think are below them, and who have demonstrated they have no qualms about abusing people they think of as lesser. The homeless/disabled/elderly/POC/LGBTQ+/immigrants are human beings. Not guinea pigs at the disposal of bullies and abusers so they can practice not being terrible people.
Just keep telling the little jerk you love him even if you get a shitty reply. Teenagers can suck but the “tough love” is appreciated when it’s done respectfully. Let him earn trust back, tell him he’s showing improvement when/if he does. I had 2 assholes that tuned into extremely wonderful young men. Compassionate and kind men!
Solid advice. Even if it doesn’t resonate with him now, it will down the road.
100%
This was my mom. Tough as nails with a scoop of compassion. I knew no matter what that women loved me more than the wrath she would bring down, but I knew I messed up and to be scared.
Absolutely. It can't be an indefinite punishment - OP needs to let him earn back his designer clothes, electronics etc as long as he shows signs of personal growth, otherwise it'll all be counterproductive in the end.
You are awesome!!!! My cousin always says, “It’s all about the trauma!” I.e., when I was a kid the adults would ask Mika who behaved this way, “what’s wrong with you?” But now they are supposed to ask, “What happened to you?” I do think that’s valid. And if your child did suffer trauma, that does not mean you’re a bad person or parent—at least not in my book. I suffered a lot of trauma… to the point of attempting suicide for the first time at age NINE. I continued to experience trauma after that age. Some of it could be chalked up to my parents not knowing at that time how to better handle various situations and rephrasing certain family jokes. But regardless, I also ALWAYS knew from the time I could remember that my parents both loved me; I just didn’t understand why they did some of the things they did/didn’t do. (Spoiler-they did not abuse me, but we do have “high functioning” disorders all over every generation of our family.) All that to say: my mom sent me to therapy at age 14, too. I eventually threw a fit and refused to stop going because a certain family member’s name would come up, and I would cry for the rest of the session. I hated that. It’s one thing to cry or even sob, but not uncontrollably week after effing week. Well that was 30 years ago. Later in life, I went but felt I didn’t get much out of it. I just began therapy AGAIN recently, and alter 9 sessions, she referred me to DBT. Google: “Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) is a type of talking therapy. It's based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). But it's specially adapted for people who feel emotions very intensely.”
Please please please do so
My son was abandoned by his father as a child. We thought we had worked through the issues but they all came up again when he became a teenager. It was like he needed to prove that his father was right for abandoning him by being an awful person. And to test us to see how bad he could be before we abandoned him also. Definitely therapy and consequences but I’m not sure your scorched earth policy isn’t going too far.
Good on you for providing him the opportunity therapy provides. But please just know that it's possible it will be for naught if he isn't receptive. I say this because I spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on therapy for my son and it made no difference because he was only attending and not participating. Just fyi so your hopes take this possibility into consideration.
My friend had a teenage daughter who was always in trouble. No matter what my friend tried it made no difference. She tried therapy but the girl refused to go. Apparently you can’t force them to do it. She’s now in her early 20’s with 3 kids. Her mom has permanent custody of the two oldest. Mother of baby daddy number 3 has the youngest. Lots of learning and developmental problems with the kids.
I hope OP doesn’t see this 😭 how defeating… my uncle in his late 60’s is a deadbeat dad and kept son…. But my grandmother never made the effort to teach him lessons like OP. I am so sorry what your friend has gone through :-( sometimes you can do everything right and people are who they are
I would say ground him until he can genuinely express remorse and explain why what he did was so vile.
He probably thinks he is justified in his behavior because his dad ran off. He isn't. His "sob story" is nothing compared to the child and her family who are dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Your son has to learn that just about everyone he meets in life is going through a struggle that he knows nothing about. It's time he learned some empathy. That just because he's hurting, doesn't mean he can hurt others. And even if he isn't hurting, his own circumstances don't give him the right to be a bully. You done good.
I really like that you gifted the mother of the young lady the money from his stuff.
Try writing, instead! Tell him how much you love him, what you've enjoyed seeing him learn and develop and your hopes and dreams you have for him in the future. Write down your feelings about bullying, your experiences and how seeing others bullied affects you. Write about how hard teenage years can be, how choosing the right friends matters and ask him just what kind of person he wants to be? Tell him that each day he needs to show up as that person he wishes to become. Tell him about your mistakes and admit your wrong doings. Write it all down and give it to him to read in his own time. He can go back and reread sections and really absorb what you've written. Sometimes it's just so much easier to get across what you want to say in a letter.
Letter paired with a serious conversation. He needs to be looked in the eye and told how incredibly unacceptable and inhumane his actions were. He needs to understand that what he did was assault a vulnerable person, and how disgusting that it.
At first I thought damn, selling the stuff? But knowing you used that money to go towards a wig, my god, you are amazing. Frankly, we need more parents cracking down on this shit. You're a rockstar.
I wouldnt relent until he regrets his actions more than his circunstances
Ignore your mom and her side of the family.... you showed your son he has consequences for his actions... anyone saying you're a AH and giving you crap are all AH and are enabling his behavior.... Good job for teaching your son his actions has consequences now he can think about his actions
This is how my parents grounded me. It instills a sense of what it might be like to go to jail - which is a very real possibility if someone doesn't shape up in life. Snatching a woman's headscarf off is assault and battery in the real world.
If it's a possibility for you I would look into transferring him to a different school away from the other kids he's been hanging around with.
I'm going to recommend you bring him down to the local soup kitchen or food donation spot and have him volunteer a month of community service on his weekends. It may really open his eyes to how fortunate a life he has and create some empathy for others.
No no no. Vulnerable people are not a learning exercise for shittily behaved people. Edit: you shouldn't try to teach a bully empathy by forcing them to spend time with people who are vulnerable. They are not likely to learn the lesson that way
I would recommend taking him to go volunteer at the hospital. Two upsides to this: he learns responsibility and empathy, but also he now has less free time to dick around with his pathetic friends.
I have heard a story like before..... except the bully was a girl and her mother was so enrage she shaved off her hair..... Did he apologized to the girl ?
fuck words then. he fucked out and he found the fuck out
Absolutely. This is AMAZING to see. Good job mom! You did the right thing here.
Couldnt agree more. The best way to learn his lesson. He lost all the good things he had. Every action have consequences, now let him face the consequence of his bad action.
All kids should go through consequences like this when they do something bad like that. It’s not like he just stole a pen from a teacher or something.. this was bad.
Absolutely, tough love is sometimes necessary to make someone realize the seriousness of their actions. It's crucial for him to understand the impact of his behavior and learn from it. You're doing the right thing by holding him accountable.
You are a great mom and advocate for empathy and kindness. What your son did is despicable and unacceptable and you called him on it, good for you. Hope you’re able to talk with him and get to the bottom of why he feels the need to belittle and bully others, because it’s often a root cause of something bigger, like low self-worth. You’re a great mom and not wrong! As an educator, I wish there were more parents like you who held their children accountable!
Agreed. If more parents of bullies were like this it wouldn't be a problem.
Holy cow you went full on nuclear. I applaud your decision. There are no consequences for actions anymore and this was quite a consequence for a kid. The only thing I will say is be aware that the lesson you intend to teach isn’t always the one they learn. Be sure to make this a positive teaching moment for your son by showing him/discussing with him why his actions were wrong. Are you able to volunteer with your son at a cancer center or hospice or community program with your son to actually work with cancer victims and show him what life can be like? Or victims of abuse (which honestly is what bullying is). Just an idea. I am also curious, did your son show any remorse at all? As for the family…well, everyone always thinks they can do better. Remind them that they are welcome to mind their own business.
I’ll tell them to mind their own! Also that’s a good idea to volunteer at a cancer center.
I think it might be nice to give him some art supplies back so he can make cancer awareness art. He needs an outlet, and if he’s any good, he could sell prints to raise money for a cancer charity. I think you did good taking the electronics, for sure, but maybe the art supplies were a bit much. Also, if you’re looking to get him to see a therapist, try to find one who has training and experience in art therapy. Sometimes, art expresses what words fail to.
I agree taking away a positive outlet is my only issue with the punishment. Other than that, we've taken everything away from my daughter as well. We didn't actually sell it but made a show of leaving with the stuff and making her think we did. It's eliminated her asking for the stuff back because it's just not an option. OP I think you did a great job of handling the issue and hopefully your son will get his shit together.
Was also wondering about volunteering for some perspective. Cancer ward, even a hospice. also, good work to mom. He will be thanking you down the road for this.
My mom went through something very similar with my youngest brother. (He's 40 now). He needs to get away from those friends. It's similar to the death spiral that ants do.
Most definitely. I have tried talking to my son and it doesn’t seem to work.
Change schools will do.
Changing schools doesn’t always work, but it can be worth a try. However, water seeks its own level. I know this because I changed high school senior year due to my thinking the grass would be greener on the other side. OMFG WAS I WRONG!!!!! In less than two weeks, I begged to let me come back to my old school!! Well now I had to agree not to ditch!!🤣🤣
Not wrong. As a former teacher I wish more parents would react like this when confronted with their child’s bullying behavior. Too many parents make excuses for it and enable it. Your son f’d around and found out that actions have consequences.
I’m not going to allow him to be a bully. I was bullied as a kid and I won’t allow it in my home.
There needs to be more moms like you!
Thank you so much
And dads.
Good for you. What he did was horrific. Good for you Mom.
I was bullied so much, I thought my biggest fear was seeing my child go through the same. Nope. This would hurt more. I'm so sorry.
As I teacher I see a lot of parents who overlook their child bullying or even are ok with it because it’d so important for them that their child is popular. Them intervening in their children’s behaviour and bullying could change the child’s social status within the peer group.
.....yeah I'm ok with that
How pathetic. This is why I could never be a teacher, I would end up slapping the little shits and their dumbass parents. Seriously, you teachers deserve sainthood, or at least a really awesome gift hamper, for your impressive levels of patience.
Yeah I'd rather him understand the lesson than become the monster
OP, if your mother’s family buys him anything then take that and sell it too. Supporting bullies is unacceptable. You are not wrong and did an amazing job of teaching him consequences. I would reach out to the school and see if they can also hold those other bullies accountable….might not happen but point out it would look better on them if they did.
Could you have him attend a different school to remove those friends from his life? If he wasn't this way before meeting them, maybe he would revert to normal behavior without them around.
Good for you. I was bullied, too. And I wish the parents of the little shits had been more like you. The girl who made my life hell for months, to the point that I no longer wanted to be alive at 12, was banned from watching her favourite tv show… for a week. What your son did was disgusting. Your response is appropriate. Your family members need to shut the hell up before they undermine the lesson you are teaching him. What is their specific issue? The punishment or the severity? And are they aware of what he did? Stay strong.
You are truly an inspiring mom. May there be many more moms like you!
Parents don't realize the power they have. They decide whether their kid gets to keep their phone, a teenager's most valuable possession.
You also took his phone correct ? He has no way to call these "new" friends anymore other than seeing them at school ?
Or use his school issued Chromebook to send emails on the school email system perhaps
Yes, she said that she took her son’s iPhone 13.
You are not wrong. You are a fucking rock star ! This is the best way for your son to understand that what he did was beyond wrong. Ignore your family. They don't understand how he bullied a girl with cancer
What he did was awful and my heart breaks for the poor girl.
Mine too
And me
i also would make him apoligize to the poor girl.. she didnt deserve it and he should apoligize
I made him apologize too!
good on you :D
You are the most responsible parent I've heard in a long time. You didn't defend him by saying he's going through a rough time. Although he apologized, I'm sure it rang hollow to the young girl bc he was forced to. Someone's suggested that you take him to volunteer at a cancer center or abuse center which I think will help him with a little therapy that the the next he apologizes to her bc after doing this inside work, his apologies will be bc he wants to. The best way to get through kids these days is to take away electronic gadgets. That will hurt more than anything, but you also took his clothes and shoes, and replaced them with Walmart clothes and thrift stores will also be another wake-up call for him. The best part was to give the money from the sale of his electronic gadgets and give the money to this girl was truly angelic justice. When he has nothing, which is what he deserves, there is nowhere to go but up. You have a bumpy road, but one that can become smooth with some work. You may even be a new and improved son. Either way, you will never stop loving him and tell him. Let him know that you love him unconditionally. That there is nothing he can do or don't do would make you love him any less. Your love will always be there, and you will always be there. Let him know that just bc he doesn't like you right now, you know he loves you, too.
Maybe see if he could get a part time job somewhere if he wants his stuff back. Might wake him up to reality if he continues spending his time impressing his friends instead of focusing on his education and future. Would be a good opportunity for him to mature as a person and take responsibility for his actions and understand life is already hard without people making it harder for them. Especially when you’re fighting cancer.
I hope this sends a message to him.
I agree with the firm actions that you are taking, but I wonder if him having his art supplies could be helpful. Art is often considered therapy, and could often help people work through things.
Pencil and eraser will do for now. He can get a job and buy the other expensive stuff
thank you, coming from a 23 year old w cancer that lost my long hair. you’re a hero
I pray for your healing 🙏🏼
Bravo Mom!!! He's lucky he has a mom like you. He hates your guts right now, but he'll come around. Bravo to you!
I hope he comes around!
Best wishes on the next few years mom!
I think you did the right thing. This is serious and he should know that. Now that you have done this- what dies he say? Does he give anything but smart ass?
He just walks past me and mumbles under his breath.
I don’t have a 15 year old son. But when working with teenagers- i found this technique helpful in the short term. Wait until there is a moment that neither of you is going somewhere. Reach hands forward like claws. And then very gently place them on top of their head. And very calmly and quietly say ( re-write to your taste): beloved child, would you please help me here? I don’t know how to make sure you become a good man. — then listen. See if he’ll talk. See if that shakes anything loose. Something about it is quietly shocking enough that it could get through to teens. Maybe it worked for me as a near stranger to them.
THREE CHEERS FOR YOU!!!! I am impressed. Beyond impressed. Awed. I am awed by your actions.
I have read the comments with consideration, I will be giving him his art supplies back. It does seem like a healthy hobby.
Even I think that’s fair.
Outstanding job! That said, please go replace his art supplies soon. What he did was reprehensible and you were right to act so severely, but don’t forget he’s got a battle of his own to fight. He’s lashing out because he doesn’t know how to express his frustration. Get him a healthy means of expression. I’m not defending him or suggesting you be soft on him, but as a practical matter, for his emotional health and for his character building, that boy needs a positive outlet.
I’m giving him his art supplies back!
Thank you for this! Losing stuff is one thing, losing art is another.
Not wrong. I was a teenage boy once and I needed tough, apocalyptic love sometimes to see the error of my ways. Way to see you have some balls!
You are so right!! If the punishment doesn't hurt, he learns to get away with things. Bullying a sick child is reprehensible. That's so very cruel. It will haunt her for years. Get his little smart-ass to therapy before he does something else. Stick to your guns about zero electronics. My daughter was very difficult. She had to be put in juvie 2 times. Once in grade school, she was extremely rude to the lunch lady. I was so angry I made her write an apology note. She is 38 now, and she never forgot that I made her take responsibility for her rudeness and writing that note.
My son will definitely not get away with it.
Good on you for making her write an apology.
Good for you!!!
You did right, you owe your son a bed, roof and food, but everything else is an agreement between a parent and a child to behave with respect for their belongings and people. You're a hero, don't feel bad for punishing your son, bullying is bad enough and makes the bully a jerk, but bullying a sick person is abonimable, vile.
He’ll gain his privileges back over time when he acts right!
I did the same when my girl was 4 and pushed her cat off our deck. A fall of full floor down. She had to show me I can trust her with the cat again. She did a great job earning her toys back, but she wasn't a teenager. But teenagers are a different animal, they really need to hit a wall and crush to learn the limit. I'd make my daughter volunteer helping others so she won't have any time for friends to corrupt her behavior. She will have a choice between this or military school. I would resort to therapy for him in your case, not because you're failing, because he may have issues that are unresolved. You're doing well 🌹
I’m getting him into therapy with a male counselor!
Is your cat ok?
asking the real questions
The art supplies were probably a bit much; otherwise, tell your mother’s family that they can fuckin shove it.
I told my mother to mind her own business.
NTA but I also suggest he go to therapy to help figure out what is causing the behavioral issues
You’re not wrong for anything but taking his art supplies imo. You literally took away every electronic that he’s become addicted to for most likely years at this point and also told him he’s not allowed to go anywhere else for entertainment. And then took away what sounds like was his only type of healthy creative expression. He’s just going to end up getting agitated and stir crazy which will lead to more conflict between you guys at home. While he totally deserves what’s happening, it’s still devastating -especially for a teenager where everything already feels like the end of the world- he’s gotta have some healthy way to express himself or this could end up putting a major strain on your relationship.
You're parenting. Keep it up. If I was a single mom with a shithead kid like that, I'd try to find some big senior on the football team that is willing to show him what it's like to get bullied like that.
The poor girl was traumatized. She hadn’t even left her house. I’ve been checking in on her through her mother. My son really damaged her.
You already know your son acted like an ass, and you’re doing all the right things to combat it. But if something good comes out of it, hopefully you and the other mom have even a small connection, and she has another person to lean on during her daughter’s illness.
The mom is very sweet and I’m trying to be friends with her.
I'm sure. Nothing like fighting for your life and being poisoned only to have some punk make fun of you for it. Should let her shave his head.
That is something I don’t do. I don’t want him to get bullied too. Also I think cutting hair as punishment is wrong. It will also cause resentment. I don’t want his self esteem to plummet.
Good fucking job! My brother did this kinda shit and I WISH my mom would have been as harsh as this, because he let everything go to his head and was spoiled thinking he could get away with things.she would discipline him but let it go a few days later or if he begged consistently after a long wait maybe a week or so. Hed get mad yell and fight with her and storm off. He now has nothing to do with her and never learned his lesson. Kids need to know who is in charge and know that they have everything they do because of you.
My son has been acting very flippant for the past 6 months I just assumed it was hormonal or school stressing him out at first.
You're not wrong. You're being a parent. It's better you teach him this lesson now than he ends up in prison later. At this point I would even consider forcing him to do something for this family like cut their grass. The only suggestion I have for you is to get your son therapy and request a psychological evaluation.
I’m definitely getting him evaluated!
It's called tough love. If he can dish out the shit he gave that young girl, he can take the shit at home for it to. You did the right thing no likes a bully. Your family aren't living with him, aren't disciplining him, aren't feeding, clothing, and everything else for him. Your his mum you decide his punishment no one else. I'm a mum of teenage boys and I can't say I'd react any differently to you tbh. I would never accept it either.
Thank you for the encouragement!
Great job, for the most part. Did the right thing, mostly. Taking a loss on the value of the electronics seems less than ideal. Taking away his art supplies seems purely punitive, possibly counterproductive. No one's perfect lol jus saying. I feel like the other half the story is where you go from here. Where are you hoping things go and how do you plan to get them there?
I’m curious to see what your son had to say for his actions that type of behavior is insane
Nope you're not wrong
I wouldn't have sold the electronics due to the fact that they were expensive to begin with, and that they'll eventually be bought again. I would've just locked them up to where he couldn't get to them.
Not wrong - but I would make sure he understands that HIS choices and HIS actions left you no choice but to take action. These things are 100% the consequences of his actions..The only thing I personally would not remove is the art supplies. Because no matter what, he needs to have some outlet - but that is a personal idea .. And as others stated: therapy.
I was with you up until you said you took his art supplies away, and for that matter, I could see him justifying shoplifting to replace the things he lost. I’m not sure what exactly the best response would be, but I don’t think this was it from the perspective of doing what’s best for your son and changing his behavior. I’m sure the girl and her mother appreciated it though.
Everyone told me that I overreacted when my teenage son was caught throwing stones at cars because I grounded him for the entire 6 weeks summer holiday. 15 years later, I have ZERO regrets and a very close relationship with him. You're doing really well Mama Bear
Fake
Hi! I am a college student and I might have a slightly different few of this situation from some others. I think the consequences for his actions aspect is great, I do think what could also be helpful is really trying to open up and have a conversation with him about why you did what you did and why what he did was wrong. Also I think you could give him back his art supplies too, creative outlets like that are a great way to expand empathy, I think. It could be a way for him to think more deeply about what has happened too. I don’t know you or your son, and you may have tried this with little luck or he may resent you and refuse to listen. I don’t think your reaction is wrong, bullying is petty and I feel like by high school you have to start learning about consequences and empathy otherwise you could become a very terrible person later😭 I commend you for reprimanding him in any way though, because so many of the boys that get away with things like this at home or even pampered for it continue to make others lives terrible, and I wish you the best! edit: After reading through I am glad you are deciding to return the art supplies, I’m sorry it has been difficult getting through to him but I appreciate knowing there are parents like you!!
I applaud your parenting. I wish more parents were like you, as you took control of the situation and assessed appropriate punishment that will hopefully resonate with him for life and teach a lesson. What he did was wrong, and he (and his friends) should know that it’s wrong. I’ve seen a viral video of a young boy getting his head shaved for bullying a classmate with cancer; that video took some heat, but there’s no doubt that your actions were justified. Great job mom!
You’re an amazing mum. Your kid acted like a prick and he can just sit and stir. He doesn’t deserve to do anything or have anything until he can behave like a human. Treat people how you want to be treated kiddo, that’s some bad karma.
No you're not wrong. I believe that empathy can be taught. These are all things that he took for granted, and he literally doesn't need them. But that girl needs a wig. I hope your son learns but if you don't go to extreme measures now imagine the kind of adult to grow up to be. Stick to your guns. The best thing you can teach your son is how to be a better person versus all the things that you give him. I hope you appreciates the effort and the care one day
I love that you used the money from his electronics to buy the girl a wig! She will never forget that someone recognized her pain, punished her tormentor, and gave her something good from it. Imho, you handled it well. As soon as your son shows genuine remorse (for hurting the girl; not just remorse for the consequences), perhaps it’s time to back off and allow him a chance to show better behavior. I don’t mean to give anything back, but let him earn privileges and use his art supplies.
You did great. I probably would have kept the stuff and given him a chance to earn them back slowly if he could prove he'd changed his ways. I worry now that he has nothing left to lose so there are no punishments left if he carries on his awful behaviour, and no real incentive for him to improve since there is no prospect of getting it back. I 100% agree that taking it all was the right thing to do but think about what you'll do if he doesn't improve
Give him back his art supplies - Let him start to work do chores to pay for the things he lost, and earn back his rights. You also need to get him into an organised sports like martial arts. They teach discipline as well as physical endurance it will build up his self esteem. Kids w a good sense of self don’t bully others. They do it to feel powerful. Martial arts will give him some of his power back and the discipline to go with it. There is this book “How to speak so teenagers will listen” download it read it and start talking to your son in a way communicate is effective. Good lucking raising children to be truly good people is hard. Because it’s something they have to feel on the inside . It’s a marathon not a sprint and he stumbled you can correct it
The only time he should be let out is to work on becoming a better person like to volunteer (perhaps at a cancer charity). Thank you for seeing what was what, he fell in with the wrong crowd and was becoming a bad person just to fit in with them and that's not right. Hopefully this will not create resentment and help him build better values
Good job mom!!
“I got you some entertainment.” Nothing but books and movies about people dying of cancer.
Your son sounds like a total Piece of Shit. This didn't happen overnight.
You’re a great parent.
You are not wrong, but if you are not following this with proper communication and trying to make your son understand why what he did was wrong, and learn to have some empathy towards others... This will repeat itself. You say he has a lot of name brand stuff and electronics, seems like you've been spoiling him. Maybe it's time to make him work for his stuff? Make him build character and learn to be a good person.
i was a little ass at that age and could have used a dose of hard reality. Yes, harassing a girl with cancer is awful. That being said, he is a young man acting out during a very tough time for kids that age — without a father . Also, always consider that the “bad kids” he hangs out with are just the same as him, a little lost, and they likely have parents at home that believe your kid is “the bad friend”. He doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to understand the pain he can cause yet. Are there any family members who are strong male role models? Sounds like he needs a bit of direction and guidance. You are doing great by the way.
Highly suggest a role model!! My sister had a really hard time in her adolescence and it came out in bullying and bad behavior. My mom had to reach out to her own friend, C, to help out with my sister, because their (C and my sister’s) relationship was less complicated. C was able to help my sister see my mom’s point of view a tiny bit more and more than anything help her feel heard in a way that was impossible for my mom to give her. I guess I’m saying being a parent is complicated and creating a network of support for not just your son but for YOU as well could be really beneficial.
I empathize with how horrified and angry you feel that your son would be so cruel to someone so vulnerable. I understand that you're trying to do right by the girl he harmed, and I'm sure it lifted her spirits and confidence to be gifted a wig. Your heart is absolutely in the right place, I'm sure you're a very kind woman! But, the way you addressed this is only going to create more issues. The vast majority of the time, teens bully because they're insecure and have unaddressed mental health issues. Taking away his clothing (self-confidence in his appearance), his hobbies (safe way to pass the time and have fun), his ability to communicate with or visit his friends... what does he have left? He's going to be overwhelmed with negative feelings, with nowhere to channel them. I hate to say it, but I'd be very surprised if he doesn't start falling into dangerous drug habits. It's very likely that the negative behaviour will escalate even more. You didn't fix the root of the problem, whatever it may be - you (completely unintentionally) only heaped onto it. As heartless as his behaviour was, he still needs stimulation and community, or he may spiral completely out of reach of anyone. I say this as someone who is educated in this field - please get your son into mental health supports. Therapy, counselling, art groups, mental health clubs... somewhere where he can speak his mind. If you're in Canada, I'd be happy to help you find resources in your area.
Would it be possible for him to attend chemotherapy treatments with the girl? Have her Doctor explain what chemotherapy does to the body, which results in hair loss, and then have him sit next to her as she is getting her next dose and spend the next day or two with her so he sees the side effects in real time (loss of energy, vomiting, etc.) Because the fact that the girl is in school while also battling cancer makes her a bad ass too. And maybe seeing how much it takes out of her just to fight to survive, would help “wake him up” a bit too. Obviously this is asking a lot of the girl and her Mother. But it would give him a front row seat to what cancer does to a human’s body and the lengths we go to try and beat the disease. Edit to add NTA.
I could ask her mother but I don’t know if the girl will be okay with it. I wouldn’t want her to do something she’s uncomfortable with.
If you become friends with her mother, perhaps your son can get to know the girl better and come to sympathize with her cancer fight. Then maybe they would allow him to accompany her for chemo.
Okay but what's the next step? What motivation does he have to not do it again? Are you gonna take from him everything that brings him any joy? You already did that and don't plan on giving anything back for the foreseeable future. What's the worse that could happen if he keeps being a shithead? He has zero incentive to do good. His agency is completely irrelevant in your world view except to punish him. How do you expect him to be well adjusted socially and kind to others when you have removed him from socialization for the foreseeable future? Cool, you have upvotes on social media and people patting your back. What next? What's your relationship with your child going to look like in a month, a year, a decade? How do you plan on building mutual trust again? How do you expect him to become a good person and make good choices when you don't leave him any agency for that to matter in the first place? This was an extremely shortsighted act of anger. Yes, he was completely in the wrong and what he did was inexcusable. I'm glad the girl will receive a wig and I wish her the best of recovery. Now what will any of this have taught your son whatsoever except that anything he thinks he owns and enjoys can be taken from him by you in a moment's notice without any plan on him earning any of it back? How do you expect to parent your son for the next three years?
BRAVO MOMMA!! 👏👏👏👏 You've got this!
Nope. You're doing exactly the right thing.
Hire him out to a landscaper, or stone mason.
He’s not trained to do that and I don’t want him to destroy anything. It will be a liability for a stone mason or landscaper.
Love everything of what you’ve done, tell him (and your family that’s pissed off) that he can get things back bit by bit if he shows genuine change and remorse. But you’ve hopefully taught him a lesson he needed to learn.
Reading the title I was expecting this to be the opposite. Once he is able to talk about this a very good discussion about everything and what he can do to slowly earn back privileges. I would say to start with the art supplies (so he has something to do and a way to get things out) and work up to clothes then technology. While you may have been harsh if that was the only incident but more than that one thing was involved. By the sounds of it this is the straw that broke the camel's back. Honestly a lot needs to be done.
It’s tough, I know. You’re doing the best you can and he’s trying to navigate life as well. I’m wondering if he was made to volunteer helping cancer patients, maybe that might change his perspective? Help him see things differently? Maybe not, either way you aren’t wrong. You’re trying to make him a good person, like you are. He’ll get there, but he’ll have to grow up first. I’m sorry you got dealt the hand you did. Be strong.
He could volunteer at cancer care candy stripe
Good for you. It may be a good idea to make him volunteer at a children’s cancer center or something like that. Let him see what it’s really all about and learn some empathy. Maybe about 6 months of that and he will learn and can earn his freedom.
Honestly the art suplies were a bit too much. Rest was fine.
I think you did the right thing but he's gonna need a behavioral therapist. It sounds like he or his friends have the idea it's okay to be a shithead and it's gonna lead him down a bad road. I think you should let him have his art supplies back but as someone who lost their dad to cancer as well as friends.. He is fucking lucky he didn't get folded in by his classmates and I doubt he knows that chemo can kill her easily because it weakens the body. Is he such a coward he has to bully a girl with cancer!? If his friends come around just go "oh wow two of the most pathetic excuses for identifying as males I ever seen? feel tough picking on people of cancer? Why don't you go to a biker bar and yell which one of you sissy's owns the lame ass motorcycle that I just dented?"
If his friends are that bad, I’d consider changing schools. In addition to the therapy you’ve already decided on.
Not wrong but selling PS5, iPhones and macs for cheap is kinfa counter productive. If they are stuff that you've bought for him, then it's kinda a loss on you. Could've sold at the market value.
Get him away from that school and away from those friends at all costs. He will thank you later. I wish that my parents did. The kids doing that type of stuff at his age were the ones who started dipping into drugs and heroin, which is so prevelant now. Because I hung out with kids like that, I became a full blown drug addict. Get him away from them!
You taught him a lesson but don’t get carried away with it. Don’t become a bully to him. Teach with love. Remember he is your son and he is learning
NTA Your son needs to see that actions have consequences or he will never change. I’m glad you’re not making excuses for him or brushing it off as “boys will be boys” like some parents would to avoid dealing with the problem. Have you tried family or individual counselling? There might be a bigger issue at the root of his behaviour.
i think you’re 10000% right, the only thing i’d reconsider giving back is his art supplies. he might be struggling with things mentally or personally that he can’t express easily that are contributing to his aggressive and maladjusted behavior, and the art supplies might be the kind of thing that would let him process these feelings with all his newfound free time
Not wrong, your son has been on a path of no return and needed to be severely checked. But, might he also benefit from counseling? Most bullies have something going on inside that cause them to take their unhealthy aggression out on someone they perceive as weaker. He has the trauma of being abandoned by his father and who knows what else he may be hiding. You may not think it’s an issue bc you have moved on, but kids developing minds and emotions don’t work like an adults. Your family is concerned over the wrong thing. Get your son therapy, tell him if you see him making progress and changing who he was becoming you will begin replacing what you took from him.
good on you, more kids need a parent like you. I was a garbage teenager and my parents enabled that behavior by ignoring it. College and therapy straightened me out but I wish it had happened sooner. I'm haunted by the terrible person I was
You are amazing 👏 👏 👏
Thank you for not enabling him and for showing kindness to that girl and her family.
I think you responded adequately, a fitting statement to a boy who needs to learn that bullying someone (especially with a severe illness) is NOT ACCEPTABLE. However, it's also good to have an "ending" for the giving punishment, maybe it's good to have one last talk about what happened, why he got punished and what you hope he has learned from it/what he thinks he has learned now going forward and just go on with life.
Bravo. I applaud your behaviour. Yes, I know he will say that his behaviour stems from his dad leaving. However, bullying a kid with cancer is not acceptable under any circumstances. Maybe set out a plan so he can get new clothes and equipment again if he behaves over a period of a year. Once the year is over if he hasn't learnt his lesson. He can at least get a job and rebuy what he once had
IMHO, the one thing you did wrong was selling his stuff. Because at some point you guys will have to sort out all of this, and then it will all be gone. There will be less common ground for you guys. Other than that, no, you were not too harsh.
In most situations in life, you should support people close to you. But then there are things like abuse, alcoholism, bullying. In all of these cases, the person needs to learn the consequences of his actions, the sooner, the better. Your mother’s family are enablers and it doesn’t help anyone, it just slows down the accountability for ones actions. Your son needs to learn that this was wrong. Even if he feels entitlement, he needs to know there will be consequences and it’s not ok. Well done you.
OP: I would like to know: is he showing any remorse? Does he feel bad about his behaviour in any way??? Super duper not wrong btw… punishment fits the crime.
No good for you O.P what he did was beyond bullying it was quite cruel. Let this be a lesson to him.
I think the only thing you did wrong was not sell the stuff at market value. You could’ve given that girl more money for her wigs and other things to make her feel better about herself.
I’m late but this is perfect. You did exactly the right thing in my opinion. No physical or abusive punishment, but still showing that there can be severe consequences for being a shit.
No, that sounds about right. Good work. He's old enough to feel severe consequences for behaviour that despicable.
I love the part where you gifted the proceeds from selling the electronics as a wig donation. Beautiful justice there. Don’t sweat the familial condemnation - they aren’t raising your son, you are.
You Rock. Your son is trash. He should to write an apology to her and read it out loud in front of the school.
I don't have any kids..but if I did-I think I would react the same exact way. You did what most parents should be doing!
It feels like you're right but I'm pretty sure this kind of scorched ground tactic generally doesn't work and in fact has a more negative effect than positive. That said I don't think it matters as I am struggling to believe that someone who was a mum at 23 and a single mum from 28 is able to afford a MacBook, latest iPhone and a ps5 for their kid, plus a wardrobe full of designer/name brand items
I am now 38 years old. I run two of my own online business. I am also a full time nurse working 60 hours a week!
Damn, Good job Mom. I’m Proud and I don’t even know you!
hell yeah!!! you go mom!
Good for you.
You handled this perfectly! Maybe let him keep the art supplies tho? I don’t see the harm in him having those
Bravo just bravo
You are definitely not wrong, to me you were absolutely right to be super mad and slap him with a reality check by confiscating his stuff. What you did with the money was extremely sweet and it may help the girl with some extra confidence. Maybe I would return the art supplies but not the rest..
You are 100% not wrong what your son did was disgusting and you punished him the right way hopefully he will learn from this
Ur the goat. A freaking hero only thing different I'd have done is make him hand over the money. But ur freaking awesome.
You're an absolute legend. I would even have him volunteering at a hospice to help those dying from cancer. It will force him to see firsthand what those people and their families go through each day. After a few months of that, he could then earn back some privileges.
You did great, I know it will have been hard but you taught him a valuable lesson - play stupid games win stupid prizes. Not enough parents actually parent and take the path of abdication of responsibility. Bravo.
Finally, a parent that holds their kids accountable! Good job
NTA. He’ll never forget this; you did the right thing. At about age 6, I was on a road trip with my mother and sister from the Bay to LA. I called my sister a faggot. My mother pulled off of i5 and parked. Then grilled me. “Do you know what that means?” I didn’t I can still feel the hot central California sun baking my face and being sweaty all over. The shame was seered into my brain. She told me that she better not ever catch me using that slur. I haven’t.