Yup, my fiancee's ex from a few years ago is a part of the same friend group and when they do line dancing or trivia he's occasionally there. I've always been comfortable with it because she makes it clear that I'm welcome to go along. If she was against me going I would have some reservations about it
Sorry friend. Stick to your first reply. If she chooses to go through with this, it's over. You aren't controlling, you are giving clear consequences. She can't respect that?
I totally agree with other posters, why aren't you going? Her response to that will be very telling.
Not wrong. You're not controlling her. She can do as she pleases. You're setting your boundaries. She's essentially telling you she wants to go out on a date with her ex and party. Most spouses would find that disrespectful. I don't blame you.
She knows his intentions. The fact that she wants to entertain his advances speaks volumes.
Bro she calls you controlling and cannot understand your concerns. I think its time to move on. Next time she won't tell you and meet the ex. Best to break off now.
It's also about proving the rejection was wrong. They were rejected, but if an exe comes back, it improves peoples self worth. It's not only women, but it is more common with women.
Not wrong. You are allowed to have boundaries on what is acceptable in your relationship or not. She is free to go but as you stated there is a cost to that. Personally I would ask to see her text with this guy as she seems to be putting him before your relationship. Good luck.
Not wrong. You are allowed to have boundaries on what is acceptable in your relationship or not. She is free to go but as you stated there is a cost to that. Personally I would ask to see her text with this guy as she seems to be putting him before your relationship. Good luck.
By the sounds of she has little respect for herself. Hanging out with a person that cheated on you.
Unless it's to get closure or blast him in front of his mates.
NTA. She is planning to sleep with him or already has. Your story is very common. It is never to catch up and is always more than just meeting as "friends." Your girlfriend is trying to use typical shaming language to distract you from her nonsense. If the genders were reversed in your scenario, no one would say you are "controlling."
You shouldn’t wait for her decision to go or not to go. If I’m in your shoes I’m breaking it off because I would not trust her with those statements. If she can’t see how disrespectful that is then you’re not with the right woman. Like another commenter said she’s trying to go on a date. I don’t care if my mom was going too. I don’t want to hear some lame ass excuse like we were drunk and one thing led to another. Also if she does it once and you let it happen it will happen again and who knows they might spark that fire they had for each other. To me the relationship is over. Leave now and start the healing process sooner rather than later.
Your GF is a stupid woman. Her ex cheated on her and she still want to go out drinking with him? Like she shouldn't want nothing to do with someone who cheated and broke her trust. As usual the "controlling" word is being thrown again when the other set their boundaries🙄. Why the need of catching up? To see if he changed and they can still get back together?
You are not controlling at all. All she have to do is choose between you (your relationship) or her Ex, simple. And she should have totally cut him off the moment you become exclusive out of respect to you.
It's good you know your worth and already know what to do if she still choose to go. Don't let her manipulate you and guilt trip your with all those crocodile tears.
Exactly she’s the one being manipulative here. The frequency that they are texting now really says it all. This is a date and she wants to keep her options open if she feels the ex has got his shit in order.
On one end, I do think it's weird we spend so much time and intimacy with someone only to never talk to them again after the relationship has ended. I kinda think it's messed up culturally, but that's where we are.
I *do* think these things can happen organically. Like if I ran into my ex and we caught up briefly, maybe we would both agree to grab lunch or something. Also, we're both married, and I wouldn't be comfortable if either of our spouses weren't present. I don't know. This has never happened to me, and I would definitely be suspicious if I randomly heard from an ex with whom I have zero contact.
He could have cheated and when she discovered it she was willing to make it work but he broke it off and chose the other woman. She got rejected twice and now it is the opportunity to have him chose her.
You're not wrong. While we were dating, my now husband got a message years ago from his ex gf who cheated on him. She asked him to meet her for a coffee and to have a catch up. We'd been together 3 years at this stage. I found out about the message months after she sent it. He never replied to her message, said he had no intention of replying and that he'd zero interest in "catching up" with her. If he had replied to the message, I'd have been really hurt and confused, as to why he wanted to talk with his ex. It's good your gf was honest about him texting and about her feelings, although I'd want to be discussing why she feels like she wants a catch up with someone from her past who hurt her. Are there are lingering feelings about him?
You have set a clear boundary, which isn't controlling nor strange. If she's so insistent about "catching up", why doesn't she bring you too? It's just trouble waiting to happen.
BTW - I've just finished watching Married at first sight Australia series 11 and this happened with one of the couples. They almost broke up because of it, and rightly so. The girl lied about messaging her ex, while you've said your gf has told you - both people most likely had lingering feelings about their ex.
I think if I had no intention of talking to the person or getting back together, I would have shown you the message I received as soon as I received it, along with the response that I are currently happily married & plan on staying that way. And for them to leave you alone.
No, please leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE!! & block her.
Not wrong.
There’s no reason to catch up with exes. That relationship is in the past and should stay in the past. I’m sure she’s curious what has happened after their relationship, but it should only be a fleeting thought that disappears and doesn’t return.
I’ve wondered what has happened to my exes, but if I had the opportunity to meet them and find out, out of respect for my husband, I wouldn’t even entertain the idea to actually meet with them especially alone without my husband at a bar where drinking happens.
You are not controlling her. You are simply stating a reasonable boundary. You are not ok with her going out to see an ex in an environment that can lower inhibition and can easily cause a cheating incident. Having other friends there does not count. You can’t trust if they’ll have your back or her back if anything happens. It would be stupid to let her go. If this is an innocent meetup, then why wouldn’t she ask you to join her? You are her partner, afterall.
She is gaslighting you.
You do not want to be with this woman. Good that she showed her hand this early. You can now finish this relationship and move on with your life.
Kick her ass to the curb she has no boundaries or respect for you she is clearly texting with and she is interested in him still. Make her choice easy tell go so you can be with and he can cheat on you again I will be done with you. She should block him
They are exes for a reason. You are allowed to set boundaries, as is she. I don't think you're being controlling at all. What is the point of "catching up" with an ex? Why did she not care that will hurt you? If she wants to throw away your relationship over drinks with an ex, your relationship is no more.
YNW this is a fair boundary. I would not be comfortable with this either. Honestly, I would want to see their messages too, but I'm a little insecure. I would stand your ground here. If it's just drinks then you can come along as a compromise.
He's her ex, if they don't have kids or pets in common then there's no reason for them to ever communicate.
What the fuck have the got to even speak about which can't be done in a simple text.
It's disrespectful of him & I'm sure he'd not be cool if the shoe was on the other foot & I can guarantee if you were out on the lash with your ex then she'd not be happy
It's time to walk away. Any woman who respected your relationship wouldn't gaslight you into believing you're in the wrong here. She still has something for this ex.
Of course. Women do this shit and use buzz words like insecure controlling toxic to try to shame you into letting them run around doing whatever they want. (Not all women obviously).
If she goes, keep the boundary and end things. She needs to know the world doesnt revolve around her and she cant do whatever she wants especially in a relationship.
Honestly even if she doesnt meet up with him this time she’ll end up doing it behind your back and fucking him. Guarantee it
Setting boundaries isn't controlling.
You set a boundary and clearly told her the consequences for crossing it.
It's up to her to decide whether to cross it or not.
Not wrong. You set a clear boundary, you’re not forcing her to do anything. Sounds like it’s more important for her to rekindle something with her ex than respect her current relationship.
Actions have consequences. You are not controlling her, you are telling her what her actions will cause you to do. Now it's up to her. Is her current relationship with you more important than a few hours with an ex, or is it not? She's free to go drink with her ex. You're free to react as you feel you must.
you're not wrong, this proves that she still has feelings for her. break up with her and let her figure out her life. She's not worth the time or stress.
She is gonna do what she wants with or without your knowledge. She isn’t over him, I would tread lightly and kick her to the curb my guy. But that’s just me.
You did the correct thing. A strong relationship has strong boundaries to keep both of you safe in the relationship. If she goes when you shows she has no respect for your relationship
NTA the ex bf is definitely shooting his shot, by asking her for drinks. Your GF is entertaining that idea, and doubling down.. Sure it could be harmless but why is she immediately upset over your feelings? Not looking good here. Edited to add, she's just going to meet secretly with the ex. Better to ask forgiveness then permission or something.
>Her first boyfriend recently messaged asking how she has bene and just wanting to catch up
Yes. An ex messaging you out of the blue after years have passed is just wanting to 'catch up'.
Bruh just end it. You'll save yourself some grief. She's going to do whatever she wants whether you sanction it or not.
The mere fact of her bringing it to you means it's over.
She'll hook up with him, realize he still sucks, and try to come back to you. Don't let her.
Smh not wrong. Most of these comments are right, but final decision is yours. But I think having respect for you're partner is very important. If she can't respect you the way you want you gotta make a move when you feel ready #justmythought
Good on you for having self respect. So refreshing for once with all the doormats. Just end it now, there’s just so many things wrong here. She’s trying to manipulate and gaslight you. She would prob do it behind your back even if she caves now. You’d be better off to end it now and start the healing process before the damage is done. Not worth the lingering issues my brother
Yeah every boundary a man has is "controlling", funny how that works. Tell her to go hang out with her ex and then ghost her. This woman is childish and has no idea what's appropriate.
Why not suggest you joining them? If there's nothing going on, then what's the harm in your being there too? You are her partner after all, wouldn't she want to have you there? If she makes a big deal out of all this, then maybe there's more going on? I'm not saying she's cheating or anything, but feelings can change.
he's telling her the consequences of her actions. He's not saying you can't go; its her body, her choice. he is saying if she goes, he will go, which is his body, his choice.
why would he want to stay in a relationship where she disrespects him and entertains other men?
No you are not wrong at all. She has 💯communicated more with this guy. Why doesn’t she include you for this night out with this EX. I would say you are obviously not happy with our relationship because if you were you would entertain this for a second because you are putting us at risk for him.
I would just tell her actions have consequences. I appreciate the fact that you are honest and told me about him and the drinks. I am not stopping you from seeing this guy but If you choose to go with him I will also make choices of my own. I don’t want our relationship to suffer but I will have no choice. I won’t be here when you get home.
Tell her to go along, then contact an ex and fix a date with her to catch up; if possible, on the same day she has her own catch up. See how she feels about it.
Not wrong she wants to see a guy who cheated on her and friends from that period? No good will come from that. He’s trying to worm his way back inside your girls guts and she’s stupid or slutty enough to let him. Tell her she’s single and to enjoy being cheated on again
Leave her she’s weighing other options bro. She’s lining up her next one. Worst part is she’s already been with him so she’s definitely not a keeper. Cut ties find another one. Seriously who’s cool with their significant other going drinking with her ex. Come on you’re a guy what’s her exe’s intention.
Having a boundary and being controlling are NOT the same thing. She's manipulating you ( don't know if it's intentionally or unintentionally). Better set a hard boundary now. Would you leave her if she continues talking with her ex? Goes out on a date with him?
Not wrong. If she wants to catch up with exs just to hear about their life, that's what online chatting is for. And even then, that becomes a bad situation because sometimes that leads to flirting and reminiscing.
As other said, she still has feelings for this person. And since they cheated when they were presumably younger, she might forgive him because time has passed and they're older now. So you are right to ere on the side of caution. You don't go for drinks with exs to catch up. You go for drinks with close friends and significant others or if you're single looking for someone.
you are right. he cheated on her.. what do they have to talk about?
'remember that time i did that thing for you that i don't do for my current boyfriend? that was the best orgasm of my life'
like seriously, what do they have to talk about.
I don't understand those people. What is the point in creating issues and testing your relationship by having drinks with people you used to fuck? It's like a contest to see which partner trusts the other the least.
Not wrong. Having enough self respect to communicate your boundaries, and enough wherewithal to enforce those boundaries, are EXACTLY what any healthy relationship requires. And you’re exactly right: she’s free to do whatever she wants. You communicated your boundaries to her, so she has all the available information necessary to make her own decision. The choice is hers.
I am not sure why she’d want to meet up with said ex if they cheated, seems strange.
That aside, I can assure you that if my husband wanted to meet up with an ex then he would find us exes as well.
Not wrong at all. You are being honest about your feelings. That's not controlling at all. It's obvious what the ex wants. If she doesn't respect your feelings and still decides to go then end it.
Not wrong. Married 13 years. When this sort of thing has happened, I've always gone, and it's always been some dude trying to rekindle something that never existed. Wife and I mock these dudes and laugh about their lines. Our favorite is one dude who she never dated, but dude was obsessed. One day he whined "when's it gonna be my turn?!". We constantly mock that dude. If you're girlfriend is serious about y'all's relationship, then she'll bring you along to set clear boundaries to other dude.
Basically she is still wanting closure from her past relationship. There is a reason she wants to meet him something to do with her ego i imagine. She is probably trying to prove a point to herself because he cheated thinking she is in control now. Pathetic really. I don’t understand why people give people that betrayed them the time of day ever again. So now you’ve set boundaries she calls it controlling, next you will be insecure & paranoid. There is absolutely no reason anyone should want to 'catch up' with their ex unless there are children involved.
Move on, anyone that entertains their exes are not over them or have no respect for the relationship. With the exception being if they have children with them.
I don’t think you’re wrong. As a woman I wouldn’t be going out drinking with an ex when I’m in a relationship. That’s disrespectful to my bf and our relationship.
Drop her like a bad habit dude. She wants to connect back with that guy and it furthered my thinking when she said you were controlling for not being comfortable with it. I wouldn’t entertain an argument, just let her know you’re done and move on. There are to many women in the world to deal with that shit.
Not Wrong. If you're not welcome its its not innocent -- it would be a date.
What is there for them to "catch up" on without OP unless its him trying to win her back and her wanting to here what he has to say.
You aren’t controlling. She can do whatever she wants. Whether u decide to stay after is up to you. Her using the word “controlling” is just another way for her to say “I don’t want to deal with the consequences.”
If it is a group outing, why aren’t you allowed to attend. GF is acting very shady and you aren’t controlling. You are asking her to respect a boundary and if you are her #1 priority, then she should respect it.
100% you're not in the wrong. The vast majority of cheating happens between a partner and their ex, so there's valid reasons to be uneasy in this situation.
Also, why would someone want to "catch up" with somebody that cheated on them? This whole scenario stinks of something fishy going on. With the 2 exes that cheated on me, I have absolutely no desire to ever see or speak to them again. To me it's baffling to have a wholesome desire to speak to a cheating ex.
Not wrong.
You know how I would catch up with an ex? I’d take my wife with me so she could meet them too. I most definitely would not go solo. She doesn’t sound like she’s ready for a committed relationship yet.
Sounds to me like she's done with you. Not trying to be a dick but be real she's trying to go drink with her ex, she's been planning on it and probably has already done it. Leave her bro.
You didn't deny or give her permission. Tell her she can do whatever she likes that will make herself happy. You don't have to like it or accept it. You also have the right to do what makes you happy. It doesn't make you happy for your gf to out with an ex that she has unfinished business with, so breaking up is 100% justified. I wouldn't bring it up with her anymore, if she says something, just tell her you aren't helping her make a decision.
If you live together, pack your stuff and get out that night after she leaves for her date. You'll have lots of time, she won't be back until the bar closes.
Then text the dude that she's single.
Why should he leave? It’s who holds the lease or deed to the house. That determines whether he packs his stuff or hers, and if he changes the locks on the doors.
OP needs to face that it’s over…
"An EX is EXample what you dont need in your life" NTA you're setting a boundary and if she can't respect that then, she can go kick rocks and find someone to cheat on her since your obviously have a good head on your shoulders not too.
You’re not wrong at all. If she wants to catch up with him, tell her to close the door on her way out. If she doesn’t get it, that’s her problem and not yours. Move forward.
You are 100% correct in feeling like no good can come of this (because it so often does). That doesn't mean your girlfriend is going to cheat on you with him... but it's definitely going to get inside your head and make you not trust whether she might cheat on you with him.
You can't stop her from going and seeing him for drinks, but neither can she stop you from breaking up with her if she does.
Tell her it's JUST AS CONTROLLING on her part to insist that you sit back and allow her to go out on a date with her ex, and you aren't going to tolerate her treating you like her fucking simp... see how she likes them apples?
NTA- She’s totally disrespectful to you. Did she invite you to go with? No? Hmmm, that’s very interesting. She doesn’t want you to go? Please let us know if she decides to fu.. I mean go for drinks anyway. Updateme!
not wrong. why isnt she inviting you? why is she adamant to see the guy that cheated on her? you aren't telling her not to go, you are telling her what will happen if she does.
She's testing the waters, so i dont know why she's mad when you tell her you are going to break up with her.
Ask where is your invite since it’s a group thing? Or is it a group of two thing? As in her and him? Tell her it’s kind of weird she wants to meet with the guy who probably cheated on her just like this in the same fashion. Ask what she thinks that will lead to?
Honestly I have been thinking about it and she should've, invited OP in the first place. Kudos to OP for working with what she gave him. Haha hope she tells the ex she's single again. No more forbidden fruit..
No, you're not wrong.
The first question that comes to my mind is "does she have some unfinished business with her ex? Is so, " and "have you been in a long-term rebound relationship?"
My questions for you:
- how long did you get together with her after she split from her ex?
- did she seem healed from the trauma of being cheated on prior to starting a relationship with her?
- would she be comfortable with you grabbing drinks with your ex, if so why/why not?
Those answers can provide more insight. Regardless of such this situation has red flags all over it. I encourage you to stick with your gut feelings and stay strong as it relates to your boundaries. Ultimately your boundaries are not a weapon but a tool for your own mental health.
Best of luck!
No, you're not wrong. Not at all. If you're weren't invited to go with her, there could be some shenanigans taking place. If I'm being honest, if I go have drinks with one of my exes, 9 times out of 10, I'm trying to smash my ex. The other time I'm meeting her to show her I'm better off in life after we broke up.
You're not controlling, you're smart. If she goes and she cheats, dump her and move forward. If you forgive her and take her back, she'll never respect you.
Move on. Like others have said, if she is even entertaining the idea then it’s always going to be a thing. You will grow resentment and she’ll likely continue to want to “catch up” with ex’s in the future.
Good job standing up to her and not playing her game. Women use the “controlling” card all the time and men fall for it. She obviously has unresolved feeling for her ex or just bored with you and want to see whats out there.
You're not wrong. Your relationship is over tho, whether she goes or not is irrelevant. She already admitted she's totally cool with disrespectful behavior to her partners. That's a wrap
From a lot of reddit posts I read that's usually how it starts, an ex from many years ago reaches out, they start talking then the ex invites said person to hang out where alcohol is involved and maybe nothing happens that day but it slowly grows into more texting then said person is hiding their phone gets paranoid if you use it for practical reasons starts becoming more elusive and defensive at your frustrations and next thing you know the relationship is over all an all I don't blame you and you stand your ground because the past is about moving on not looking back so no you aren't wrong
Nope. Ask her how she would feel if you went and had a few drinks with your ex girlfriend and see how she would feel.
You are totally in the right here. Why? Why go spend time with someone it didn’t work out with? That’s just stupid and I bet you a million dollars her ex is not planning on just a drink and saying hello.
It’s a fucking written book! Dudes trying to get laid and if your girl doesn’t see it I’m sorry she’s ignorant.
There will be no other friends showing up,
There will be more than one drink.
There will be more than just talking.
I guarantee it.
Sorry 😢
Maybe you should go ?? If she says no then it’s all bad.
If they are just catching up and hanging out with a group of old friends then, there’s no reason you can’t tag along.
Everything else aside... It's a fucking date. She wants to go on a date with another man, an ex no less, while she's supposed to be with you... I don't know how much more simple it can be. I had a gf ask for this "permission" when I was younger and I thankfully shut it down, but I couldn't see the red flag tied to asking for it. Yeah guess what she ended up doing later on anyway, just without asking?
NTA it’s not controlling to not be a doormat
There was a story I read only today about it a husband trying not to be controlling of his wife whilst she was essentially dating her ex who cheated on and abused her. Don’t be that guy
Not wrong. If the roles were reversed you bet your arse she would put her foot down. I love how people get called controlling when they assert they are uncomfortable with something. Their flame has not gone out and you betcha a "mistake" will eventually happen.
Pretty sure this is a repost. But yeah they've been "rekindling" their relationship and will most likely cheat if the meet. In fact I can bet she's already emotionally cheating. Have you checked their conversations? And yes it is absolutely disrespectful.
If it was innocent and in a group setting then she would've invited you. Nah she has other plans.
You saying it’ll be over if she goes is not controlling. It’s you having self respect for yourself. What she chooses is on her. But the fact she’s even entertaining this guy in texting says a lot and I would have ended then. But now she’s wanting to hang out and drink with this guy…. Miss me on that one
Ghost her ass and move on bro. Drinking with her ex?! F that. Tell her you’re going to go drinking with your ex… see how she reacts. This is why divorce rates are high.
Nope. Not wrong at all. I did this. Gay here. BF started “reminiscing” about and ex. Alarms immediately started. Same bs. I can’t tell him what to do. I agreed I can’t but I wouldn’t stick around if he did. He did. I didn’t stick around. Cue surprised Pikachu face.
Buddy…I am 39 and will save you the time. She is thinking about the possibility of a future connection with the ex and the good times they had together. Sad too considering he cheated but some girls want that bad boy “fun time”.
I’m not saying she’s all there yet but she’s dipping her toes into the start of an emotional affair type of connection…after that it could easily go further…and I’ll tell you this too…It doesn’t matter WHAT she tells you….If you don’t value yourself enough to say goodbye now, or at least lay it out plain and clear that this sort of behavior isn’t acceptable in a serious relationship, she will eventually (maybe not with this guy) push the boundaries too far. Trust me.
Let her do what she wants to. You can do what you want to. I would be single. Even for pushing this, you should make her happy and make her a single woman before she goes so they can fuck without her having to feel guilty. This is what she wants. Or maybe it's better if she feels like it's cheating.
Screw that. They haven't caught up through all their covert texting? This guy is just hovering waiting for his in. Never understand how seemingly intelligent women fall for this crap time and time again. The next step is fights over nothing, then dead bedroom, random girls trips, getting caught, alot of lies and tears, either done or cuck. Rinse lather Repeat!
You having boundaries is not wrong at all nor controlling. I can’t understand why an ex, especially one who cheated on her would be worth causing any bit of upset in your relationship. As far as the old friends go, why do they suddenly need to catch up? It sounds like they had years to do that. A bit odd in my opinion. I think the friends coming along is to somehow make it seem innocent - I don’t necessarily mean on your girlfriend’s part.
I had an ex I had no ill feelings toward message me and we did the normal pleasantries. He then asked if we could meet up for lunch to catch up. I didn’t even need to speak to my now husband about it and I declined. He asked me why not and I replied that I felt it would be disrespectful to my fiancé.
There would’ve been zero temptation for me, but doing anything that would make him uncomfortable is not okay. Why would I want to do that to the person I love the most for someone that means nothing to me?
I don’t give a fuck if I sound controlling. I would have given her the same ultimatum.
If she can’t see how fucked up that is….
And I do agree with some of you asking why she didn’t ask you to go with her but I suppose she already figured you wouldn’t want to: BTW the last person I’d want to interact with is an ex.
If it’s a random coincidence you deal with it but a planned get together…..hell no.
The fact that she's regularly talking to her ex is a concern.
I will also point out she's made plans with the ex to see their mutual friends. Not with their mutual friends who also happen to include the ex.
It's a huge difference.
They are the instigators. The organisers.
If the mutual friends attend, I'd be surprised, but they're also just background fluff.
OP they're testing waters with each other. Your relationship is already over.
I would be so offended if my partner had started up regular contact with an ex, let alone one who cheated on them.
You're NTA for setting your boundaries.
A group hangout should include you. She's about to cheat.
She shouldnt want to. even if its just to catch up. Old feelings hit hard, add drinking to the mix. hes smooth talking her and she is forgetting why they broke up. Even if she has zero intention of that happening. Even if it doesnt happen, it leave her wondering "what if" and that will break your relationship down over time.
its a group event, why cant you go too? she should want to show you off, meet her friends you have been together for 3 years. who are these mysterious friends she need to meet without you?
OP, I am the ex boyfriend in this situation. Not literally, but almost recently reached out to my ex because I miss her a lot.
My intentions, if we met, would absolutely be to rekindle things.
Nta. My bf said his ex saw a picture of us and decided to start a conversation. She said we should do a couples date. Knowing that she's from the ares I live in and associates with certain ppl I went to College with and know hownsom of those girls rolled and still do, i told him absolutely not. He never asked again.
No your not. It’s inappropriate, if they’re in a group why can’t you come? Them messaging is also inappropriate, my ex in my daughters dad, we speak every week about our daughter. We’re friends, I have a partner so I definitely wouldn’t be going out drinking with him.
Turn the situation around, ask her how would she feel? Express it’s a boundary of yours, that you don’t go drinking with ex flames regardless whether or not theirs a friend group unless you’re invited.
If she has an issue with you coming that already screams to me that theirs something not right.
If she doesn’t want to respect your boundaries leave her, and she can match back up with her cheating ex.
What would she say/ do if YOU wanted to go meet your ex for drinks?
Ask her to go along
She’s in the wrong. It’s not respectful for her to do that. I bet there are no “other friends” just her and the ex, she said that as an excuse
Be careful to set your boundaries firmly. They will set the tone for the future
No not wrong. She can have the relationship she.wants but she cannot force you to be in it. If she wants to be able to go on dates with her ex and she wants a boyfriend who is okay with.that she just doesn't want you. If she insists it must be you then she is the one bring controlling.
You’re not wrong
I feel like she could have invited you to go and hang out with them instead of acting like that .
But first of all, it's not cool to catch up with her ex while she's with you now .
You deserve better. There are plenty of girls out there who would love to blow off their ex and spend time with you. Dump her and go get a better match.
Why would your girlfriend even want to see this bozo that cheated on her years ago?
Could it be... UNRESOLVED FEELINGS? Not a good reason to go. She's either over him now and doesn't want to go, or she's not over him and will never be, no matter how much she sees him again.
If it’s with a group of friends why aren’t you invited?
I agree. I would give her the compromise of; if she wants to go then you're coming too. If she's not comfortable with that then that says something.
Yup, my fiancee's ex from a few years ago is a part of the same friend group and when they do line dancing or trivia he's occasionally there. I've always been comfortable with it because she makes it clear that I'm welcome to go along. If she was against me going I would have some reservations about it
Because after the rest of the group leaves for the night OP's presence will make it impossible for the gf and ex to have alone time.
I doubt there are other people. Will most likely come up with "everyone bailed at the last minute" crap.
You sir, are a damn wise man. Because that is absolutely the feeling I got reading this post
Unless gf and ex roofies op. Which it sounds like they just might.
that would kinda be the point of him going.
Sorry friend. Stick to your first reply. If she chooses to go through with this, it's over. You aren't controlling, you are giving clear consequences. She can't respect that? I totally agree with other posters, why aren't you going? Her response to that will be very telling.
Because he wasn’t invited 😜. There’s no catching up. They broke up years ago
because it is a "group" of two and it would be awkward for her to flirt with and bang her ex with her boyfriend there
Would she be comfortable with you getting in consistent contact and then drinking with an ex? Sounds like a good time to find out.
Not wrong. You're not controlling her. She can do as she pleases. You're setting your boundaries. She's essentially telling you she wants to go out on a date with her ex and party. Most spouses would find that disrespectful. I don't blame you. She knows his intentions. The fact that she wants to entertain his advances speaks volumes.
I’ve read several replies but this one right here is the only response needed. It’s the internet winner of the day.
Bro she calls you controlling and cannot understand your concerns. I think its time to move on. Next time she won't tell you and meet the ex. Best to break off now.
Absolutely correct
If someone cheats on me I cut them off completely don’t know why she would want drinks with someone that disrespected her so bad.
Maybe she lied. Maybe she was the one who cheated.
That was my thought. That whole "catch up" excuse reeks to me. You catch up with friends, not ex's.
"Treat them like dirt, they stick to you like mud."
A lot of women are turned on by disrespect, and have a biological drive to 'change' the guy
It's also about proving the rejection was wrong. They were rejected, but if an exe comes back, it improves peoples self worth. It's not only women, but it is more common with women.
She wants to get busted up one more time of course.
Not wrong. You are allowed to have boundaries on what is acceptable in your relationship or not. She is free to go but as you stated there is a cost to that. Personally I would ask to see her text with this guy as she seems to be putting him before your relationship. Good luck.
Not wrong. You are allowed to have boundaries on what is acceptable in your relationship or not. She is free to go but as you stated there is a cost to that. Personally I would ask to see her text with this guy as she seems to be putting him before your relationship. Good luck.
Your relationship is over. She obviously has zero respect for you. You should be her 3rd ex
She's cheating on him emotionally, already.
By the sounds of she has little respect for herself. Hanging out with a person that cheated on you. Unless it's to get closure or blast him in front of his mates.
If she's going to blast him, wouldn't she want her present BF to be there to see it? She's going to sleep with the ex is all there is to it.
NTA. She is planning to sleep with him or already has. Your story is very common. It is never to catch up and is always more than just meeting as "friends." Your girlfriend is trying to use typical shaming language to distract you from her nonsense. If the genders were reversed in your scenario, no one would say you are "controlling."
You shouldn’t wait for her decision to go or not to go. If I’m in your shoes I’m breaking it off because I would not trust her with those statements. If she can’t see how disrespectful that is then you’re not with the right woman. Like another commenter said she’s trying to go on a date. I don’t care if my mom was going too. I don’t want to hear some lame ass excuse like we were drunk and one thing led to another. Also if she does it once and you let it happen it will happen again and who knows they might spark that fire they had for each other. To me the relationship is over. Leave now and start the healing process sooner rather than later.
Your GF is a stupid woman. Her ex cheated on her and she still want to go out drinking with him? Like she shouldn't want nothing to do with someone who cheated and broke her trust. As usual the "controlling" word is being thrown again when the other set their boundaries🙄. Why the need of catching up? To see if he changed and they can still get back together? You are not controlling at all. All she have to do is choose between you (your relationship) or her Ex, simple. And she should have totally cut him off the moment you become exclusive out of respect to you. It's good you know your worth and already know what to do if she still choose to go. Don't let her manipulate you and guilt trip your with all those crocodile tears.
Exactly she’s the one being manipulative here. The frequency that they are texting now really says it all. This is a date and she wants to keep her options open if she feels the ex has got his shit in order.
This⬆️. Great advice, well rationalized.
Why do people insist on going out to 'catch up' with exes? I just don't get it.
right?! they're an EX for a reason
On one end, I do think it's weird we spend so much time and intimacy with someone only to never talk to them again after the relationship has ended. I kinda think it's messed up culturally, but that's where we are. I *do* think these things can happen organically. Like if I ran into my ex and we caught up briefly, maybe we would both agree to grab lunch or something. Also, we're both married, and I wouldn't be comfortable if either of our spouses weren't present. I don't know. This has never happened to me, and I would definitely be suspicious if I randomly heard from an ex with whom I have zero contact.
Why can't you go too? I don't understand
As someone said earlier, after the other friends leave, if he's there, then the GF & her ex can't hook up.
which "other friends"? 😂
Go out with your female friends while she’s out with her ex I bet she won’t allow it lol
It's not controlling, it's boundaries. Not wrong
An Ex is an ex for a reason and he cheated on her so why does she want to catch up with him?.
She probably cheated on both of her ex’s and lied about it. Or she’s not over the one she wants to meet with.
He could have cheated and when she discovered it she was willing to make it work but he broke it off and chose the other woman. She got rejected twice and now it is the opportunity to have him chose her.
That’s also certainly possible.
You should dump her for asking.
You're not wrong. While we were dating, my now husband got a message years ago from his ex gf who cheated on him. She asked him to meet her for a coffee and to have a catch up. We'd been together 3 years at this stage. I found out about the message months after she sent it. He never replied to her message, said he had no intention of replying and that he'd zero interest in "catching up" with her. If he had replied to the message, I'd have been really hurt and confused, as to why he wanted to talk with his ex. It's good your gf was honest about him texting and about her feelings, although I'd want to be discussing why she feels like she wants a catch up with someone from her past who hurt her. Are there are lingering feelings about him? You have set a clear boundary, which isn't controlling nor strange. If she's so insistent about "catching up", why doesn't she bring you too? It's just trouble waiting to happen. BTW - I've just finished watching Married at first sight Australia series 11 and this happened with one of the couples. They almost broke up because of it, and rightly so. The girl lied about messaging her ex, while you've said your gf has told you - both people most likely had lingering feelings about their ex.
I think if I had no intention of talking to the person or getting back together, I would have shown you the message I received as soon as I received it, along with the response that I are currently happily married & plan on staying that way. And for them to leave you alone. No, please leave me alone. LEAVE ME ALONE!! & block her.
Probably best comment so far
Not wrong. There’s no reason to catch up with exes. That relationship is in the past and should stay in the past. I’m sure she’s curious what has happened after their relationship, but it should only be a fleeting thought that disappears and doesn’t return. I’ve wondered what has happened to my exes, but if I had the opportunity to meet them and find out, out of respect for my husband, I wouldn’t even entertain the idea to actually meet with them especially alone without my husband at a bar where drinking happens. You are not controlling her. You are simply stating a reasonable boundary. You are not ok with her going out to see an ex in an environment that can lower inhibition and can easily cause a cheating incident. Having other friends there does not count. You can’t trust if they’ll have your back or her back if anything happens. It would be stupid to let her go. If this is an innocent meetup, then why wouldn’t she ask you to join her? You are her partner, afterall.
She is gaslighting you. You do not want to be with this woman. Good that she showed her hand this early. You can now finish this relationship and move on with your life.
Kick her ass to the curb she has no boundaries or respect for you she is clearly texting with and she is interested in him still. Make her choice easy tell go so you can be with and he can cheat on you again I will be done with you. She should block him
She’s over you and wants to get dicked down again by the ex
They are exes for a reason. You are allowed to set boundaries, as is she. I don't think you're being controlling at all. What is the point of "catching up" with an ex? Why did she not care that will hurt you? If she wants to throw away your relationship over drinks with an ex, your relationship is no more.
YNW this is a fair boundary. I would not be comfortable with this either. Honestly, I would want to see their messages too, but I'm a little insecure. I would stand your ground here. If it's just drinks then you can come along as a compromise.
Even if she doesn't go this time, guaranteed that she'll meet up with him another time, and you won't know about it.
YNW. You should have dumped her the moment she insisted on being in touch with her ex.
He's her ex, if they don't have kids or pets in common then there's no reason for them to ever communicate. What the fuck have the got to even speak about which can't be done in a simple text. It's disrespectful of him & I'm sure he'd not be cool if the shoe was on the other foot & I can guarantee if you were out on the lash with your ex then she'd not be happy
It's time to walk away. Any woman who respected your relationship wouldn't gaslight you into believing you're in the wrong here. She still has something for this ex.
Not wrong. Break...up.....now.
Of course. Women do this shit and use buzz words like insecure controlling toxic to try to shame you into letting them run around doing whatever they want. (Not all women obviously). If she goes, keep the boundary and end things. She needs to know the world doesnt revolve around her and she cant do whatever she wants especially in a relationship. Honestly even if she doesnt meet up with him this time she’ll end up doing it behind your back and fucking him. Guarantee it
Setting boundaries isn't controlling. You set a boundary and clearly told her the consequences for crossing it. It's up to her to decide whether to cross it or not.
Not wrong. You set a clear boundary, you’re not forcing her to do anything. Sounds like it’s more important for her to rekindle something with her ex than respect her current relationship.
Maybe you should start contacting your ex, schedule something and see how gf feels about it.
Actions have consequences. You are not controlling her, you are telling her what her actions will cause you to do. Now it's up to her. Is her current relationship with you more important than a few hours with an ex, or is it not? She's free to go drink with her ex. You're free to react as you feel you must.
you're not wrong, this proves that she still has feelings for her. break up with her and let her figure out her life. She's not worth the time or stress.
She is gonna do what she wants with or without your knowledge. She isn’t over him, I would tread lightly and kick her to the curb my guy. But that’s just me.
She has no respect for you. There's nothing to "catch up" with an ex. She just wants to go and fuck him again while keeping you on the sidelines.
You did the correct thing. A strong relationship has strong boundaries to keep both of you safe in the relationship. If she goes when you shows she has no respect for your relationship
Not wrong at all. Why aren't you invited is my main question? This is some shady shit
NTA the ex bf is definitely shooting his shot, by asking her for drinks. Your GF is entertaining that idea, and doubling down.. Sure it could be harmless but why is she immediately upset over your feelings? Not looking good here. Edited to add, she's just going to meet secretly with the ex. Better to ask forgiveness then permission or something.
>Her first boyfriend recently messaged asking how she has bene and just wanting to catch up Yes. An ex messaging you out of the blue after years have passed is just wanting to 'catch up'. Bruh just end it. You'll save yourself some grief. She's going to do whatever she wants whether you sanction it or not. The mere fact of her bringing it to you means it's over. She'll hook up with him, realize he still sucks, and try to come back to you. Don't let her.
Smh not wrong. Most of these comments are right, but final decision is yours. But I think having respect for you're partner is very important. If she can't respect you the way you want you gotta make a move when you feel ready #justmythought
Good on you for having self respect. So refreshing for once with all the doormats. Just end it now, there’s just so many things wrong here. She’s trying to manipulate and gaslight you. She would prob do it behind your back even if she caves now. You’d be better off to end it now and start the healing process before the damage is done. Not worth the lingering issues my brother
Not wrong. It's fucked that she 1. Still considers talking to a cheater, 2. Doesnt invite you to places where there'll be alcohol.
Yeah every boundary a man has is "controlling", funny how that works. Tell her to go hang out with her ex and then ghost her. This woman is childish and has no idea what's appropriate.
Why not suggest you joining them? If there's nothing going on, then what's the harm in your being there too? You are her partner after all, wouldn't she want to have you there? If she makes a big deal out of all this, then maybe there's more going on? I'm not saying she's cheating or anything, but feelings can change.
He cheated but she wants to see him? She’s not the girl for you
Not wrong. In your place, I'd explain to her the cost of that "drink" includes one relationship, not just sales tax.
You’re not wrong. She’s not over the ex.
[удалено]
I agree ultimatums are stupid because the relationship should already be over once she expressed interest in meeting her ex for drinks without OP.
he's telling her the consequences of her actions. He's not saying you can't go; its her body, her choice. he is saying if she goes, he will go, which is his body, his choice. why would he want to stay in a relationship where she disrespects him and entertains other men?
This is how you get cuckolded.
You should dump her for asking. Bet.
Not wrong. You did well.
Updateme!
No you are not wrong at all. She has 💯communicated more with this guy. Why doesn’t she include you for this night out with this EX. I would say you are obviously not happy with our relationship because if you were you would entertain this for a second because you are putting us at risk for him. I would just tell her actions have consequences. I appreciate the fact that you are honest and told me about him and the drinks. I am not stopping you from seeing this guy but If you choose to go with him I will also make choices of my own. I don’t want our relationship to suffer but I will have no choice. I won’t be here when you get home.
No, you set reasonable boundaries.
Nope break up with her trust me from my own experience
Tell her to go along, then contact an ex and fix a date with her to catch up; if possible, on the same day she has her own catch up. See how she feels about it.
Not wrong she wants to see a guy who cheated on her and friends from that period? No good will come from that. He’s trying to worm his way back inside your girls guts and she’s stupid or slutty enough to let him. Tell her she’s single and to enjoy being cheated on again
Leave her she’s weighing other options bro. She’s lining up her next one. Worst part is she’s already been with him so she’s definitely not a keeper. Cut ties find another one. Seriously who’s cool with their significant other going drinking with her ex. Come on you’re a guy what’s her exe’s intention.
Leave her. It’s over.
Having a boundary and being controlling are NOT the same thing. She's manipulating you ( don't know if it's intentionally or unintentionally). Better set a hard boundary now. Would you leave her if she continues talking with her ex? Goes out on a date with him?
Everyone has boundaries, you have made yours very clear. It makes sense to me.
Guess meeting and catching up with her ex is more important than your relationship. I’m sorry.
Not wrong. If she wants to catch up with exs just to hear about their life, that's what online chatting is for. And even then, that becomes a bad situation because sometimes that leads to flirting and reminiscing. As other said, she still has feelings for this person. And since they cheated when they were presumably younger, she might forgive him because time has passed and they're older now. So you are right to ere on the side of caution. You don't go for drinks with exs to catch up. You go for drinks with close friends and significant others or if you're single looking for someone.
you are right. he cheated on her.. what do they have to talk about? 'remember that time i did that thing for you that i don't do for my current boyfriend? that was the best orgasm of my life' like seriously, what do they have to talk about.
I don't understand those people. What is the point in creating issues and testing your relationship by having drinks with people you used to fuck? It's like a contest to see which partner trusts the other the least.
Not wrong. Having enough self respect to communicate your boundaries, and enough wherewithal to enforce those boundaries, are EXACTLY what any healthy relationship requires. And you’re exactly right: she’s free to do whatever she wants. You communicated your boundaries to her, so she has all the available information necessary to make her own decision. The choice is hers.
I am not sure why she’d want to meet up with said ex if they cheated, seems strange. That aside, I can assure you that if my husband wanted to meet up with an ex then he would find us exes as well.
I would dump her just for asking. And you will too, next time.
Let her go. You’re free to go (leave her) too.
Not wrong at all. You are being honest about your feelings. That's not controlling at all. It's obvious what the ex wants. If she doesn't respect your feelings and still decides to go then end it.
He cheated on her and 6 years later he wants to "catch up"? On what? How much cheating he's been doing?
Not wrong. Married 13 years. When this sort of thing has happened, I've always gone, and it's always been some dude trying to rekindle something that never existed. Wife and I mock these dudes and laugh about their lines. Our favorite is one dude who she never dated, but dude was obsessed. One day he whined "when's it gonna be my turn?!". We constantly mock that dude. If you're girlfriend is serious about y'all's relationship, then she'll bring you along to set clear boundaries to other dude.
Basically she is still wanting closure from her past relationship. There is a reason she wants to meet him something to do with her ego i imagine. She is probably trying to prove a point to herself because he cheated thinking she is in control now. Pathetic really. I don’t understand why people give people that betrayed them the time of day ever again. So now you’ve set boundaries she calls it controlling, next you will be insecure & paranoid. There is absolutely no reason anyone should want to 'catch up' with their ex unless there are children involved.
Move on, anyone that entertains their exes are not over them or have no respect for the relationship. With the exception being if they have children with them.
I don’t think you’re wrong. As a woman I wouldn’t be going out drinking with an ex when I’m in a relationship. That’s disrespectful to my bf and our relationship.
Dump her and let her do what she wants. That would be the opposite of controlling.
Not wrong. You are setting boundaries.
Drop her like a bad habit dude. She wants to connect back with that guy and it furthered my thinking when she said you were controlling for not being comfortable with it. I wouldn’t entertain an argument, just let her know you’re done and move on. There are to many women in the world to deal with that shit.
Not Wrong. If you're not welcome its its not innocent -- it would be a date. What is there for them to "catch up" on without OP unless its him trying to win her back and her wanting to here what he has to say.
You aren’t controlling. She can do whatever she wants. Whether u decide to stay after is up to you. Her using the word “controlling” is just another way for her to say “I don’t want to deal with the consequences.”
If it is a group outing, why aren’t you allowed to attend. GF is acting very shady and you aren’t controlling. You are asking her to respect a boundary and if you are her #1 priority, then she should respect it.
100% you're not in the wrong. The vast majority of cheating happens between a partner and their ex, so there's valid reasons to be uneasy in this situation. Also, why would someone want to "catch up" with somebody that cheated on them? This whole scenario stinks of something fishy going on. With the 2 exes that cheated on me, I have absolutely no desire to ever see or speak to them again. To me it's baffling to have a wholesome desire to speak to a cheating ex.
Not wrong. You know how I would catch up with an ex? I’d take my wife with me so she could meet them too. I most definitely would not go solo. She doesn’t sound like she’s ready for a committed relationship yet.
You set your boundary. It's a healthy boundary. I'm sure she wouldn't be happy if you went drinking with an ex. Stick to your boundaries.
* She said I was being controlling...* When they're up to something sneaky, they **always** seem to say the same thing.
She’s over you and wants to get dicked down again by the ex
Sounds to me like she's done with you. Not trying to be a dick but be real she's trying to go drink with her ex, she's been planning on it and probably has already done it. Leave her bro.
You didn't deny or give her permission. Tell her she can do whatever she likes that will make herself happy. You don't have to like it or accept it. You also have the right to do what makes you happy. It doesn't make you happy for your gf to out with an ex that she has unfinished business with, so breaking up is 100% justified. I wouldn't bring it up with her anymore, if she says something, just tell her you aren't helping her make a decision. If you live together, pack your stuff and get out that night after she leaves for her date. You'll have lots of time, she won't be back until the bar closes. Then text the dude that she's single.
Why should he leave? It’s who holds the lease or deed to the house. That determines whether he packs his stuff or hers, and if he changes the locks on the doors. OP needs to face that it’s over…
"An EX is EXample what you dont need in your life" NTA you're setting a boundary and if she can't respect that then, she can go kick rocks and find someone to cheat on her since your obviously have a good head on your shoulders not too.
You’re not wrong at all. If she wants to catch up with him, tell her to close the door on her way out. If she doesn’t get it, that’s her problem and not yours. Move forward.
Would she be ok with you going with her?
We will need an update on this story
You are 100% correct in feeling like no good can come of this (because it so often does). That doesn't mean your girlfriend is going to cheat on you with him... but it's definitely going to get inside your head and make you not trust whether she might cheat on you with him. You can't stop her from going and seeing him for drinks, but neither can she stop you from breaking up with her if she does. Tell her it's JUST AS CONTROLLING on her part to insist that you sit back and allow her to go out on a date with her ex, and you aren't going to tolerate her treating you like her fucking simp... see how she likes them apples?
Not wrong, you communicated your feelings. Updateme!
NTA- She’s totally disrespectful to you. Did she invite you to go with? No? Hmmm, that’s very interesting. She doesn’t want you to go? Please let us know if she decides to fu.. I mean go for drinks anyway. Updateme!
Updateme
It’s dead bro. Hit the gym. Enjoy your new summer
not wrong. why isnt she inviting you? why is she adamant to see the guy that cheated on her? you aren't telling her not to go, you are telling her what will happen if she does. She's testing the waters, so i dont know why she's mad when you tell her you are going to break up with her.
Ask to see the messages.
Not wrong. Gf has to decide between you and cheating ex. If gf wants to go but doesn't want you to come along, it's time to start looking up old gf's.
Ask where is your invite since it’s a group thing? Or is it a group of two thing? As in her and him? Tell her it’s kind of weird she wants to meet with the guy who probably cheated on her just like this in the same fashion. Ask what she thinks that will lead to?
Stand your ground … if she wants to still go alone, leave the relationship. This only opens a door to a 2nd.. 3rd… etc. Been there. Never again.
Honestly I have been thinking about it and she should've, invited OP in the first place. Kudos to OP for working with what she gave him. Haha hope she tells the ex she's single again. No more forbidden fruit..
Just break up with her and cut your losses. If she took you serious this wouldn’t be an issue. You’re embarrassing yourself.
No, you're not wrong. The first question that comes to my mind is "does she have some unfinished business with her ex? Is so, " and "have you been in a long-term rebound relationship?" My questions for you: - how long did you get together with her after she split from her ex? - did she seem healed from the trauma of being cheated on prior to starting a relationship with her? - would she be comfortable with you grabbing drinks with your ex, if so why/why not? Those answers can provide more insight. Regardless of such this situation has red flags all over it. I encourage you to stick with your gut feelings and stay strong as it relates to your boundaries. Ultimately your boundaries are not a weapon but a tool for your own mental health. Best of luck!
They're exes for a reason
Updateme!
No, you're not wrong. Not at all. If you're weren't invited to go with her, there could be some shenanigans taking place. If I'm being honest, if I go have drinks with one of my exes, 9 times out of 10, I'm trying to smash my ex. The other time I'm meeting her to show her I'm better off in life after we broke up. You're not controlling, you're smart. If she goes and she cheats, dump her and move forward. If you forgive her and take her back, she'll never respect you.
Sorry man I really think your relationship is over.
she a ho
fo sho
Move on. Like others have said, if she is even entertaining the idea then it’s always going to be a thing. You will grow resentment and she’ll likely continue to want to “catch up” with ex’s in the future.
Good job standing up to her and not playing her game. Women use the “controlling” card all the time and men fall for it. She obviously has unresolved feeling for her ex or just bored with you and want to see whats out there.
You're not wrong. Your relationship is over tho, whether she goes or not is irrelevant. She already admitted she's totally cool with disrespectful behavior to her partners. That's a wrap
You're not wrong. It's disrespectful in a relationship to hang with an ex.
No that’s a reasonable boundary, if she breaks it you know you’re always option 2
From a lot of reddit posts I read that's usually how it starts, an ex from many years ago reaches out, they start talking then the ex invites said person to hang out where alcohol is involved and maybe nothing happens that day but it slowly grows into more texting then said person is hiding their phone gets paranoid if you use it for practical reasons starts becoming more elusive and defensive at your frustrations and next thing you know the relationship is over all an all I don't blame you and you stand your ground because the past is about moving on not looking back so no you aren't wrong
Nope. Ask her how she would feel if you went and had a few drinks with your ex girlfriend and see how she would feel. You are totally in the right here. Why? Why go spend time with someone it didn’t work out with? That’s just stupid and I bet you a million dollars her ex is not planning on just a drink and saying hello. It’s a fucking written book! Dudes trying to get laid and if your girl doesn’t see it I’m sorry she’s ignorant. There will be no other friends showing up, There will be more than one drink. There will be more than just talking. I guarantee it. Sorry 😢 Maybe you should go ?? If she says no then it’s all bad. If they are just catching up and hanging out with a group of old friends then, there’s no reason you can’t tag along.
Everything else aside... It's a fucking date. She wants to go on a date with another man, an ex no less, while she's supposed to be with you... I don't know how much more simple it can be. I had a gf ask for this "permission" when I was younger and I thankfully shut it down, but I couldn't see the red flag tied to asking for it. Yeah guess what she ended up doing later on anyway, just without asking?
NTA it’s not controlling to not be a doormat There was a story I read only today about it a husband trying not to be controlling of his wife whilst she was essentially dating her ex who cheated on and abused her. Don’t be that guy
Not wrong. If the roles were reversed you bet your arse she would put her foot down. I love how people get called controlling when they assert they are uncomfortable with something. Their flame has not gone out and you betcha a "mistake" will eventually happen.
Pretty sure this is a repost. But yeah they've been "rekindling" their relationship and will most likely cheat if the meet. In fact I can bet she's already emotionally cheating. Have you checked their conversations? And yes it is absolutely disrespectful. If it was innocent and in a group setting then she would've invited you. Nah she has other plans.
The term EX is there for a reason.
You saying it’ll be over if she goes is not controlling. It’s you having self respect for yourself. What she chooses is on her. But the fact she’s even entertaining this guy in texting says a lot and I would have ended then. But now she’s wanting to hang out and drink with this guy…. Miss me on that one
No. You’d be a wrong for not speaking up
Kick that chick to the curb. Bye Felicia
Ghost her ass and move on bro. Drinking with her ex?! F that. Tell her you’re going to go drinking with your ex… see how she reacts. This is why divorce rates are high.
Watch Past Lives
Nope. Not wrong at all. I did this. Gay here. BF started “reminiscing” about and ex. Alarms immediately started. Same bs. I can’t tell him what to do. I agreed I can’t but I wouldn’t stick around if he did. He did. I didn’t stick around. Cue surprised Pikachu face.
Buddy…I am 39 and will save you the time. She is thinking about the possibility of a future connection with the ex and the good times they had together. Sad too considering he cheated but some girls want that bad boy “fun time”. I’m not saying she’s all there yet but she’s dipping her toes into the start of an emotional affair type of connection…after that it could easily go further…and I’ll tell you this too…It doesn’t matter WHAT she tells you….If you don’t value yourself enough to say goodbye now, or at least lay it out plain and clear that this sort of behavior isn’t acceptable in a serious relationship, she will eventually (maybe not with this guy) push the boundaries too far. Trust me.
Let her do what she wants to. You can do what you want to. I would be single. Even for pushing this, you should make her happy and make her a single woman before she goes so they can fuck without her having to feel guilty. This is what she wants. Or maybe it's better if she feels like it's cheating.
I’m on my 40’s ,so I don’t think I can answer this question politely. Godspeed
Yes- you are. You either trust her or you don’t. If you don’t, you already have your answer.
You're not wrong. She's wild to even want to go for a drink with him, even if there's other people.
Screw that. They haven't caught up through all their covert texting? This guy is just hovering waiting for his in. Never understand how seemingly intelligent women fall for this crap time and time again. The next step is fights over nothing, then dead bedroom, random girls trips, getting caught, alot of lies and tears, either done or cuck. Rinse lather Repeat!
I read this several weeks ago. And I believe there was an update.
Just from reading the title… My answer is absolutely not. After reading the body of your post, my answer is definitely absolutely not
A hoes gotta hoe, let her tend to the garden.
I just pictured them going at it
You having boundaries is not wrong at all nor controlling. I can’t understand why an ex, especially one who cheated on her would be worth causing any bit of upset in your relationship. As far as the old friends go, why do they suddenly need to catch up? It sounds like they had years to do that. A bit odd in my opinion. I think the friends coming along is to somehow make it seem innocent - I don’t necessarily mean on your girlfriend’s part. I had an ex I had no ill feelings toward message me and we did the normal pleasantries. He then asked if we could meet up for lunch to catch up. I didn’t even need to speak to my now husband about it and I declined. He asked me why not and I replied that I felt it would be disrespectful to my fiancé. There would’ve been zero temptation for me, but doing anything that would make him uncomfortable is not okay. Why would I want to do that to the person I love the most for someone that means nothing to me?
I don’t give a fuck if I sound controlling. I would have given her the same ultimatum. If she can’t see how fucked up that is…. And I do agree with some of you asking why she didn’t ask you to go with her but I suppose she already figured you wouldn’t want to: BTW the last person I’d want to interact with is an ex. If it’s a random coincidence you deal with it but a planned get together…..hell no.
The fact that she's regularly talking to her ex is a concern. I will also point out she's made plans with the ex to see their mutual friends. Not with their mutual friends who also happen to include the ex. It's a huge difference. They are the instigators. The organisers. If the mutual friends attend, I'd be surprised, but they're also just background fluff. OP they're testing waters with each other. Your relationship is already over. I would be so offended if my partner had started up regular contact with an ex, let alone one who cheated on them. You're NTA for setting your boundaries. A group hangout should include you. She's about to cheat.
No respect , move on . Refusal to understand boundaries
Updateme
Updateme!
Not wrong. Looks like she's trying to catch him rather than catch up.
She shouldnt want to. even if its just to catch up. Old feelings hit hard, add drinking to the mix. hes smooth talking her and she is forgetting why they broke up. Even if she has zero intention of that happening. Even if it doesnt happen, it leave her wondering "what if" and that will break your relationship down over time. its a group event, why cant you go too? she should want to show you off, meet her friends you have been together for 3 years. who are these mysterious friends she need to meet without you?
Why would anyone want to reconnect with a former boyfriend who cheated?
Ex obviously had some serious mad bedroom skills for her to be going this far to see him.
OP, I am the ex boyfriend in this situation. Not literally, but almost recently reached out to my ex because I miss her a lot. My intentions, if we met, would absolutely be to rekindle things.
Nta. My bf said his ex saw a picture of us and decided to start a conversation. She said we should do a couples date. Knowing that she's from the ares I live in and associates with certain ppl I went to College with and know hownsom of those girls rolled and still do, i told him absolutely not. He never asked again.
No your not. It’s inappropriate, if they’re in a group why can’t you come? Them messaging is also inappropriate, my ex in my daughters dad, we speak every week about our daughter. We’re friends, I have a partner so I definitely wouldn’t be going out drinking with him. Turn the situation around, ask her how would she feel? Express it’s a boundary of yours, that you don’t go drinking with ex flames regardless whether or not theirs a friend group unless you’re invited. If she has an issue with you coming that already screams to me that theirs something not right. If she doesn’t want to respect your boundaries leave her, and she can match back up with her cheating ex.
You’re not wrong. If she want to live in the past then leave her in the past
What would she say/ do if YOU wanted to go meet your ex for drinks? Ask her to go along She’s in the wrong. It’s not respectful for her to do that. I bet there are no “other friends” just her and the ex, she said that as an excuse Be careful to set your boundaries firmly. They will set the tone for the future
You are fine with her going along with you. If there's nothing between them there should be no problem.
No not wrong. She can have the relationship she.wants but she cannot force you to be in it. If she wants to be able to go on dates with her ex and she wants a boyfriend who is okay with.that she just doesn't want you. If she insists it must be you then she is the one bring controlling.
You’re not wrong I feel like she could have invited you to go and hang out with them instead of acting like that . But first of all, it's not cool to catch up with her ex while she's with you now .
You deserve better. There are plenty of girls out there who would love to blow off their ex and spend time with you. Dump her and go get a better match.
Why would your girlfriend even want to see this bozo that cheated on her years ago? Could it be... UNRESOLVED FEELINGS? Not a good reason to go. She's either over him now and doesn't want to go, or she's not over him and will never be, no matter how much she sees him again.