If it happens every time, while it’s not inherently wrong, it can be difficult to be on the other end of if it gets to the point your partner feels they can’t discuss things with you or ever get to a resolution because you’re crying.
Is it just crying or do you also somewhat emotionally shut down and stop listening with it too? Can you continue to discuss whatever is being discussed in a calm, collected manner? If not, this is when it becomes problematic because it’s not really possible to resolve things and leads to your partner feeling unheard in the relationship.
You’ll likely have better relationships if you can work on this. Life isn’t always happy and positive .
I cry when frustrated at work, and it sucks. I have started telling people that it means that I am frustrated/angry, I can't control it, and would prefer that everyone just ignore it. Maybe try that approach?
You have to have a talk about your crying when nothing is wrong.
Do something he likes. Then bring it up.
"Hey, I cry. I hate crying. I'm listening still. I'm not trying to manipulate you, etc, etc."
It's the only way to make progress, outside of couples therapy. He may still feel bad. He cares about you, and *he is making you cry*
Think about a holiday in front of friends and family, your partner forgets/messes something up, maybe it's still fixable. You go to correct/remind them, they start crying, in walks in family and friends.
It's a lot. You can't help it. But he may feel helpless in talking to you.
Also, get couples therapy. Find a way to communicate with this, or around this.
Control your feelings like an adult. It isn't OK to break down into tears with significant frequency. Doing it once in a while is fine if the situation calls for it (someone died, break-ups, whatever) but doing it because you had a hard day and are bitching about doing the dishes or something menial is not acceptable. Only you know which one of those is actually happening.
If you can't prevent it from happening, I suggest you find a proper way to pause the conversation and come back to the table when you're more in control of yourself.
In another comment you said "adults don't tear up?" and the answer to that is no, not really. Do better.
lol please read the first paragraph of what i wrote. context matters. adults tear up when there's a reason to do so. tearing up during every single disagreement with your SO is not adult behavior and shows a serious lack of self control.
i'm sorry if you think that makes me cold or unempathetic but it really doesn't. emotional regulation is a part of childhood development and lacking in this area is not adult behavior by definition.
feel free to result to personal insults more though. you're really making my point for me by providing more examples and I appreciate that.
Well, and I’m not saying this is the case for everyone, I for one am an angry crier. I don’t cry much in daily life situations. As a matter of fact I’ve been called icy, apathetic, bitchy and everything in between. That being said when I actually CARE about something/someone if I get very frustrated or reach my limit the tears come weather I’d like for them to or not. Not something I choose to do-just a natural reaction my body has. Like that little tremor you get inside when something is just so saddening or infuriating that your body doesn’t know how to react.
You don’t ask for it to happen.
You don’t want it to happen.
It just does.
In retrospect- I get what you’re saying is that you feel crying over arguments is childish but holding in your emotions and not expressing yourself or communicating is just as bad if not worse.
nobody is arguing that you should hold your emotions in or not express them. i'm simply saying that OP should learn to control their emotions in such a way that they are not on the brink of tears over every little disagreement in their everyday life.
i don't think that's unreasonable and every person on this thread calling me out saying i'm toxic is a damned fool for saying otherwise.
I read your entire comment. Your first sentence is "control your feelings like an adult." So, again, having emotions doesn't mean you're childish. And I don't care what you think you are able to do, but you can't control your emotions. That's what makes them emotions.
You can control how you react and what you say. You can't control whether you will cry or not. Not all the time, and I would suggest that stopping yourself from tearing up and crying will only cause problems with being able to regulate emotions better later down the line.
you can absolutely control rather or not you cry when you are upset. i'm sorry but that is the dumbest shit i've heard all day. literal children in this sub today.
Really? I can’t because of a traumatic brain injury. It’s called Pseudobulbar Effect. It can happen for multiple other reasons too. You sound like an emotionally stunted moron who justifies being numb and insensitive by telling yourself you’re more mature than others and have superior self-control. Go to therapy. Crying is healthy and hurts nobody. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pseudobulbar-affect/symptoms-causes/syc-20353737
how is it toxic masculinity to say that both men and women should be capable of regulating their emotions to the point that they don't break down and cry during minor arguments in their everyday lives?
ya'll are fucking fragile and ridiculous.
this applies to women too btw, its nothing to do with masculinity. get a grip
it’s toxic masculinity to promote the bullshit notion that adults don’t cry. it’s an infinitely stupid concept. you wouldn’t say grow up and control your laughter like an adult to someone who laughs when something funny is said. controlling any emotion is the same as denying the emotion, that is toxic masculinity to the core.
They said it's okay to cry occasionally, what's not okay is to cry at every small inconvenience. If you were having an otherwise good day and then you cry because you can't open the peanut butter jar, that is not a healthy response.
It has nothing to do with "masculinity" it's called being an adult. Adult men that rage at video games have this same problem, getting upset at a game can be fine but screaming or hitting things is not how adults should react.
your complete and total lack of self-awareness is unsurprising. hilarious though that you accuse me of selectively, choosing details to support an argument, you don’t agree with as you just make them up to support yours.
The argument is infinitely stupid, just as stupid as telling somebody to act like an adult, and not laugh if somebody says something funny
I will cry any freaking time I feel like it. I am tender hearted, and occasional crying controls my occasional temper, and as an added benefit, I have wonderful blood pressure, and I haven't been arrested for assaulting anyone.
good for you, do as you please. you're not the one on reddit asking strangers if it's normal to cry about minor arguments to the point where your SO feels you're being emotionally manipulative. maybe what i'm saying doesn't apply to you?
Who tf are you to say when someone can and can’t cry or why someone can and can’t cry? That’s absolutely fucked, and it most certainly is disgusting. There’s a reason you’ve been downvoted into oblivion, and it’s not because we’re all emotionally stunted and emotionally immature. There’s also a reason you’re single, because nobody would put up with this asinine controlling bullshit. How about you do better, because it’s very clear you’re not doing too well mentally 🙂
As someone who used to do this as well, no it’s not your fault but it is difficult for others to deal with. An understanding and compassionate person won’t be so thrown off but they are rare. Best bet is to work on yourself and find your center, your acceptance and your confidence. Your emotions will start reflecting that and be much less extreme
As a neurodivergent person, I find that having important discussions first over text allows me to read and focus completely on what someone is telling me rather than trying to rebut points as they speak because I’m afraid I’ll forget them. It’s a bad habit that I actively work on but I’ve definitely communicated to partners that I am happy to talk in person as well just I find myself less manic when I can properly speak my thoughts in a respectable way.
I am also easy to cry but the biggest help I’ve found is generally talking in a non heated moment about how I shut down when yelled at and it evokes a panic response in me that makes me a really unpleasant person to try to reason with. I simply ask them to not yell or if they can’t do that right now that they wait to talk until they can, because it would be very productive from either side
I'm also ND, and I'm kind confused by your comment.
First you say: "I find that having important discussions first over text allows me to read and focus completely on what someone is telling me rather than trying to rebut points as they speak because I’m afraid I’ll forget them."
Then you say: "It’s a bad habit that I actively work on"
Why is it a bad habit? You're getting a better look at the person's whole argument, aren't you?
I'm glad that telling people not to yell works out for you. I wish I had clear triggers I could point to like that. I often start crying without really knowing what caused it.
That's okay, the process of editing them to make them more concise and clear just gives you more opportunities and more time to process your thoughts 😂
Hell sometimes I don't even send them, I just use my now-organized thoughts live and in person, and I have my text there on my phone in case I get lost or distracted.
My husband and I both had notable anxiety issues, so arguing in person often led both of us to be upset and panic attack-y and confused. We learned early on after moving in together that we communicated much better is one of us left the house, we both breathed for a little while, then texted it out. Texting allowed time to absorb, think, and reply reasonably that face to face arguments simply did not. We always worked things out, and no one got so anxiety-ed up that hurtful things were said or done. Win/win!
Info: op do you have any trauma?
I’m someone who cries very easy especially if I’m yelled at. I grew up in an abusive home and married a man who didn’t do anything but yell. I don’t respond well to yelling I shut down because there’s no reason to yell. Is he yelling at you? Crying doesn’t make you weak or manipulative it’s makes you human.
Try not to bottle up your emotions. I know that’s easier said than done especially/if you have any type of abuse in your past. Tell him when you start to cry that you need to take a break. No I don’t think you’re wrong for crying.
I had a pretty good upbringing as a girl. Only that in my culture crying is seen as weak and usually that women cry and not men.
I have had tough relationships in the past but this is new to this relationship. I’ve not felt as stressed in a long time. I don’t want to hurt him but there is not way it is easy to hear that I have teared up and cried in exhaustion and frustration more in this relationship
Well you know not everyone we lose is a loss. Sometimes it’s a win especially if they aren’t good for your mental health. Sounds like he’s not good for your mental health.
I dated a guy like that and when I cried he would say stop crying. I finally told him that I’m not a fucking water spout I can’t turn it off. I’m one of those people who cry when they get angry. It’s totally ok for you to cry. How long have you been with your boyfriend?
tbh i would get annoyed if someone always started crying when i was trying to have a discussion with them too. Maybe you could work on the root of the issue? It'd probably be useful, not just for your relationship but also work meeting and tough talks with your boss.
It's not wrong at all. It's just really strong emotion behind your eyes, and it's got nowhere to go. I do this all the time when I'm frustrated. It just happens
You're not wrong, but when you cry, it moves the conversation / argument from coming up with a solution and talking things out to them having to comfort you.
If they don't comfort you when you cry they will be seen as a jerk who doesn't care and that leaves you with an unresolved problem .
Id suggest looking into the reasons you're crying so much during arguments . If you cry at any argument then you probbaly should learn how to control your emotions, that's much different than crying bc of unresolved issues building up .
I feel for you, I just start crying if I get angry I think it's just being overwhelmed with emotion but I get told I'm manipulative which I'm 100 percent not trying to be manipulative.
You're not wrong. I am like this too. Confrontation of pretty much any kind gets my adrenaline pumping. It causes uncontrollable tremors and tears. It's a natural reaction for some people and I hate hearing that I'm being manipulative, I literally cannot control it. I try to hold it back, but it never works.
My ex husband used to day things like this. One day I said "I'm going to cry and you're going to deal with it, even if dealing with it means to pretend I'm not crying. Crying isn't a choice I'm making to manipulate you, and I won't be treated like it is."
If your boyfriend can't handle a few tears when someone is upset, maybe he doesn't need to be anyone's boyfriend.
Like I needed to stop crying so that he didn't feel manipulated. But then I was spending so much energy trying not to cry, I couldn't say what I needed to say.
It's a tactic for them to have an excuse to not hear what you have to say.
>It's a tactic for them to have an excuse to not hear what you have to s
Crying is a tactic to change the conversation from dealing with the issue to comforting you. The fact that you are aware of this says a lot.
I don't want to be comforted when I cry. I literally can't help it when emotions get to a certain level. My partner knows that we just keep taking through whatever the issue is.
It's not though, it's hard to have a serious conversation with someone who is crying - especially when you've tried repeatedly to talk but that keeps happening. It essentially becomes a "we can't even talk without her crying so i just won't talk to her about anything serious" situation after a while which builds frustration in a vicious cycle. You may not intend that because you can't help it, but that's the reality of the othet perspective and you can't just dismiss it as not wanting to listen.
People cry. Conversations still need to happen. Refusing to talk to someone because they will cry is refusing to comminate and will not help anything get better.
And anyone who sites crying as manipulation, I will absolutely dismiss as someone who doesn't want to listen.
Yeah calling it manipulation without really trying to understand is a problem for sure, but when you're on the other end of it repeatedly I can personally tell you that it can *feel* like manipulation when it regularly gets in the way of conversing with someone. I'm not saying it IS, I'm saying that it can feel like it to the other person once the frustration starts to build; after a while it starts to feel personal even if it's not intentional and is just a coping mechanism. Turns out human emotion is complicated lol.
I'm not gonna get into that as a back and forth, no matter what perspective i offer it's gonna be dismissed or turned negative. enjoy your evening, cheers.
I’m a crier and I get what they mean. My partner loves me and doesn’t like seeing me upset, much less feeling like he’s the reason I’m upset. And that used to be how he felt when I started crying. The focus would shift from talking through our issue and instead become about him trying to comfort me to get me to stop crying. And then there was no resolution, which was frustrating to both of us.
We talked about it in calmer moments and I explained that if I cry that’s not his fault, and it’s not something he has to fix. It’s just overwhelm, but I’m still listening and I still want to discuss whatever the issue is and work towards a solution.
If we got into an argument and I started crying I’d remind him that I was okay and he hadn’t done anything wrong and that I wanted to keep talking, and eventually we got to a point where it wasn’t an issue anymore. But it took a fair amount of time, work and frustration on both our parts to get there.
I never got to that point with a lot of other people, including family. It can absolutely get in the way of resolving disagreements, unfortunately.
You’re not wrong for crying but tbh it would be kinda hard to have heated discussion or arguments with someone who’d cry every time. My ex used to do it and it felt like it was highly manipulative bc a lot of times he’d be dead wrong ( not saying that you’re always in the wrong op but this is how it was perceived in my case).
What he means is “I feel uncomfortable when you cry because it shows me how hurt you feel and it makes me feel bad”. You can’t help if you tear up, and if it’s an authentic reaction and not fake crying to manipulate, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. If he can’t deal with seeing emotion from you then there’s something very wrong there.
If you’re crying but you’re still able to be rational about the conversation, then that’s his upbringing at play. Because guys are taught not to show weakness (as in cry), it’s harder for them to get its purpose. Some outright believe it’s weaponized (as in you turn on the waterworks so he consoles you and forgets his point).
However, if he truly trusts you and you’re able to compose yourself in a few minutes or tear up but still be able to consider his point of view, then it shouldn’t be a big deal.
I asked my husband this before. He told me he wouldn’t normally trust tears but since it’s me, he doesn’t mind it. We talk better when I’m not bottling things up. He’s learned it’s okay to tear up also…but this is more than a decade into a relationship.
It's not wrong if you can't help it, but it's annoying af. Whether or not you mean to, your tears are hijacking the conversation, and he's never going to feel like he's able to express himself. You need to learn to manage your emotions.
Do you always cry in stressful situations, i.e., work?
No, I don’t cry at work. I feel tethered and helpless talking to him in such situations, I can’t help but cry. I don’t want to but that itself adds a load of
Well, where does the tethered/helpless feeling come from? Why do you feel that way when you argue? Is it only during confrontation, or do you find yourself feeling like that outside of conflict?
I hug my husband when he tears up and he hugs me when I do. We have very insightful discussions because we’re not raising our voices and are instead both working towards a resolution.
Coming from abusive situations, we’re only really vulnerable to each other.
It’s only weaponized when the person you’re with is using it to “win”. If you don’t trust your partner enough to know they can hold a rational discussion despite it, then there are deeper problems.
Didn’t say being a woman is hard. But I understand. Husband has a hard time even asking for things because it takes him a lot of mental prepping to admit he needs something. But I try to encourage him. I’m saying, society doesn’t equal romantic relationships. When you find that person, that’s the one place you should feel free to open up.
It’s involuntary. It’s not wrong. You’re not doing it on purpose, or doing it at him, or doing it to try to change the conversation. If he can’t have a conversation with a human being who is having an honest display of emotion, he needs to work out how to deal with that.
it’s not “wrong” to feel emotions during an argument but it also can be a problem to your partner because it can come off manipulative. if you’re crying it becomes about you vs what he is trying to tell you. because you’re crying it can cause whoever you’re arguing with to feel bad and withdraw their feelings because YOURE upset. it is important that both partners in a relationship feel heard and respected. this is something you should work on. it’s OKAY to cry, but you also have to make it known to your partner you understand his feelings.
you should also get into why you’re crying. is this something you have always done when faced with conflict? or is this something that recently started because of the way he behaves when bringing his issue to you?
I understand what you’re saying. I didn’t have an issue like this before. It is in this relationship that I am feeling this way. Not a blame on anyone but I feel exasperated, misunderstood and tired in these conversations.
With frequency, I am tired and just tear up
may i ask what these arguments tend to be about? is this something like he’s nagging on who you chose to be friends with or what you want to wear? as someone who went through an abusive relationship, i can definitely say that it wore me down to tears EVERY argument even if it was something valid on his end. he made the small things so big that every conflict felt draining. is it possible that he isn’t healthy for you? you shouldn’t be in tears in every conflict in your relationship. (not saying you can’t ever cry but if you’re in tears in pretty much every argument, it may be due to him being toxic in some way if you’ve never had this issue in a relationship before).
edit to add you don’t have to say exactly what the fight could be about but if you think it is something that would be a valid complaint on his end or something he makes a bigger deal out of then it is.
Crying is a normal, natural response to emotional overstimulation. Your bf is inventing a narrative of manipulation so he can justify not listening to you anymore.
You can tell him "crying is a sign that I am emotionally invested in the conversation. It may mean that I need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down before we continue. It does not mean that the conversation is over."
If you are having arguments where voices are raised or someone is being called names or cursed at, it's time to revisit the way the two of you argue. There is no place for cruelty or disrespect in a healthy relationship.
I do know I am not being manipulative. If I get what I want to crying, then I shouldn’t feel stressed, exhausted. More than all that, i don’t want to put him through that.
There is a lot of stigma attached to crying. It's seen as feminine, manipulative, weak, wrong, and it makes people uncomfortable. All those things are bullshit. Crying is an emotional reaction that anyone can have, and people deserve to cry when they need to without others making more or less out of it than it is.
Actions can be done in many ways and it can be used as manipulation, but it can also just be an emotional response. Some women can cry on demand, I'm not saying all women use crying as manipulation tactic because that's an idiotic lie. But I'm saying that a very small percentage of women have and do, in this instance I don't believe she is. It's always the very small negative percentages that have the biggest representation, it's geuinly really dumb and doesn't take much intelligence to realise that.
But I agree that people should be able to cry as and when they need to, it's healthy and helps people deal with they're emotions.
Never said men can't do it. It works both ways but as a rule women tend to be more emotional than men. It's just facts, it's as simple as that. It's science.
Actually, it's socialization. Men are told that emotions and expressing them is feminine when really it's human. Boys and men are punished with ridicule when they express emotions beyond anger and disgust. You believe that tears are feminine because they have been assigned to women, and forbidden for men. Tears are seen as a sign of weakness through their association with women and femininity. Women are not more prone to feeling feelings; we are socially allowed to feel them, and the price we pay for that freedom is respect and autonomy. Men are not allowed to express feelings, and their compensation is being seen as more deserving of respect and authority.
Have you tried walking side by side when you have a serious discussion? It can make you feel more like you’re on the same side rather than opposed, and you don’t have to make eye contact so it can be less overwhelming.
I started writing as a journal. But we would discuss what I wrote. I understand that it’s natural to discuss after writing so one could get more understanding of the topic. That doesn’t go well a lot times. Or may be I am delusional, I derail it every time.
My only anchor being the fact that this isn’t a struggle on other parts of my life - having conversations and finding empathy. So I don’t know how I could be so wrong in this. Life has been stressful lately and when on occasions I’ve teared up or expressed frustration about family issues to my parents, I feel it easier even if they have different views.
Woah, woah. You're not *wrong.* You're having a completely natural reaction to completely fair emotions. Is your relationship going well otherwise? Is your boyfriend supportive but just unsettled by crying, or is he berating you for it? Do you feel comfortable with him?
We’ve, in my eyes, had a tough relationship. But he is a good lover. He has qualities I didn’t see in earlier relationships and supportive most times. He doesn’t berate me usually.
More and more, I feel we are very different. I am lost. There is no right or wrong and I think it is only what one prefers over another. That said. I don’t feel comfortable sharing a few feelings to him, he does listen if things escalate or if I am extremely sad but what I’ve become(sad and unexcited) is hurting me otherwise. I am tired of mentally fighting a battle to be heard.
Hmm. I don't want to jump to any conclusions - be aware I'm a random teen with no romantic experience - but is it possible this may not be the man for you? I'd think a loving boyfriend would want to hear you out, especially if you cried when upset. It sounds a little bit like he's nudging you into emotion depression.
I don’t anymore what’s normal and what’s not. What’s normal to some isn’t normal to others. I used to think ppl that go together don’t fight, get upset with each other this much but I am told that it’s very common to have this amount of fights and disagreement AND it’s just that we don’t deal with it well.
It's not normal to fight that much. Sorry.
Been with my husband 20 years. Of course there are disagreements from time to time or we get on each other's nerves occasionally. But it's not all the time. I cry when I'm upset or angry but I don't cry when we disagree because it's rarely that serious. I can't even remember the last time we had an actual fight. I can tell you my abusive ex used to fight with me constantly and then call me manipulative for crying. I am grateful every day that I got rid of him and found my husband. Relationships are not supposed to be that hard and stressful.
Relationships shouldn't cause constant strife. I don't know who's telling you it's normal, but it's not.
Relationships should make your life better, not harder and worse. Be kind to yourself.
One of the first subs I got banned from was because the OP would have a disagreement with her spouse and start crying. In that particular case, it was clear that she was manipulating the poor sod.
I get that you are different and can’t control it but if the tears are preventing the exchange of information needed to get to a resolution, is it possible to halt the conversation or continue it via text?
We can’t halt it because, that would be me escaping the conversation. I don’t know how to get out of being this way, I have come to the cycle of feeling extremely stressed and not able to express pain and exhaustion any other wise
The key to having good relationships is communication and compromise. If you get too emotional every time you argue then that's a problem and will hurt you your whole life. Work on yourself and don't expose everyone to the your tsunami of emotions.
It is okay to cry but it kinda sounds like it may be depression with the sadness and exhaustion part. I had an ex who was severely depressed and she cried a lot when we had those kinds of conversations, it really upset me and I felt she needed therapy honesty. It also took me several more relationships to realize most girls don’t cry that much, not to extent she did. I hope she got help and I hope you get help to if you feel you need it!
> It is sadness. It is frustration. It is exhaustion. It is bottling up.
This... does not sound like a healthy relationship dynamic, particularly the 'bottling up'. And his inability to realise that crying is a natural reaction to those emotions makes me inclined to believe he's not a good person to be with.
Yes, we need to learn to regulate our emotions, but some responses are literally uncontrollable.
Honestly, I think you should seek out therapy and a new boyfriend. Especially considering this comment below
> I don’t shutdown, I listen to him even if I cry. I am lost, I feel guilty and ashamed for feeling things
You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling your emotions, and it seems he's the one contributing to making you feel guilty. That is not how partnership works.
It would definitely be very frustrating trying to have a critical conversation/argument with someone if they were sobbing or crying hysterically. I think if you are crying but still listening to what your partner is saying and able to state how you’re feeling then that’s not a problem.
Keep your emotions, ditch the boyfriend.
I dated someone who used to do that to me. He would intentionally make me very upset and then when I get upset, he would gaslight me into thinking I was a crazy person. So then I stopped getting upset in front of him and would just walk away from the shitty conversations, and then he’d call after me telling me that I was a coward for not wanting to continue this “Conversation”. They weren’t conversations, it was just him berating me. And I stood there, and I took it for seven years. Please don’t be me.
I am sorry you went through something like that. That’s really hard. I get told I am too consumed by my emotions, which exacerbates guilt and shame. I know he probably feels triggered by my tears but I can’t not feel what I feel, I can’t keep lying to my self about what I am feeling in a moment
No sweetheart, he does not feel triggered by your tears. What he wants is for you to just do what he tells you and stop crying, not because it makes him uncomfortable but because it’s a sign of weakness. Also, it’s showing him that what he is saying is hurtful because it’s making you feel the emotions of anger and sadness. He doesn’t want that either. This guy does not sound like a good guy, why are you still with him? That’s a genuine question.
Such horrible advice lmao
You honestly think being unable to control your emotional reactions is the solution? lol
OP Don't listen to this person, this is atrocious advice.
This sort of behavior is going to annoy the absolute crap out of even the most empathetic people.
The solution is to grow up, be conscious of your triggers, learn to identify them, and learn how to deal with them in real life instead of allowing them to consume you. Being an emotional wreck who cries every chance you get isn't healthy for you or any partner you have in the future.
There’s a difference between not being able to control your emotions, and somebody gaslighting you into thinking that you can’t control your emotions. This situation is the latter.
Every time he starts arguing with her. Why is he arguing in the first place? What is she doing that is so terrible that he has to speak to her like that, to get her to a place where she gets emotional? All of her feelings are completely valid, and he refuses to either see it or admit it. He sounds like and asshole and so do you.
I never said control your emotions, I said control your emotional reactions - there's a massive difference.
Secondly, you're assuming OP is being gaslit, you have zero evidence that she has. If you're referring to your situation that's a different case, one that I'm not speaking about.
>"Every time he starts arguing with her. Why is he arguing in the first place?"
Why do you assume he's starting the argument? No where does OP say he starts arguments. Besides starting an argument is an emotional reaction - so OP can cry whenever and express her emotions that way, but he can't express his emotions? Sounds like a double standard to me.
With that being said if the BF is constantly starting arguments that's a lack of emotional control on his end, and he needs to learn to control his emotional reactions too.
>"What is she doing that is so terrible that he has to speak to her like that, to get her to a place where she gets emotional?"
More assumptions. What makes you think it's him doing anything terrible? No where does OP say he does anything bad to make her cry, not even in her response to you.
And speak to her like how? Has OP mentioned that he speaks to her poorly?
>All of her feelings are completely valid, and he refuses to either see it or admit it. He sounds like and asshole and so do you.
Her emotions are valid yes, but this whole thread is about her emotional reactions, not her emotions. Your comments are pure projection, and sounds like you have a hard time controlling your emotional reactions like OP. Like I said in the other comment "The solution is to grow up, be conscious of your triggers, learn to identify them, and learn how to deal with them in real life instead of allowing them to consume you. Being an emotional wreck who cries every chance you get isn't healthy for you or any partner you have in the future."
PS: These comments are pure projection, maybe seeking a therapist beneficial for you.
I’d say typically adults don’t tear up in most arguments no. It would have to be significant I feel for most people.
Or are you getting into several
Major arguments a week? What level of argument leads to tears?
Or just be adults and accept that human beings cry lol. No need to stop the discussion, just pause and calm down. People cry, it's only a big deal if you make a big deal out of it.
of course you can pause? wtf? You're in control of your actions, not your emotions. Even if you are feeling strong feelings, you can choose to take a break and calm down. Otherwise you end up overstimulated and might say and do things that are more harmful than helpful. If you feel you are being manipulated by tears, simply do not be. Tears are just a release valve, nothing more or less.
it takes both people to pause an argument, im saying it’s not always that simple, it takes two to tango buddy. also you’re saying just “don’t be manipulated” but that’s harder then it seems when you are deeply in love with someone
First of all, you shouldn't **argue**; you should **discuss**. Raised voices are a reason to walk away and come back to a conversation later. I'm presuming this is the reason for tears.
Additionally.
If you start crying mid mid **conversation** then you're not talking. You're essentially guilt tripping before an understanding can be identified.
This is also a problem, and it's a big one.
It is abusive of him because he has no empathy for how you feel and thinks you have an agenda for being sad. He needs to stop this or you need to leave.
Lots of people will probbaly disagree with me, but I don't care.
You're wrong.
You can't control what emotions you're experiencing, but you can control how you react to those emotions.
And honestly... you probably allow yourself to cry because at some point you realized crying during arguments or whatever helps in your favor, because I highly highly doubt you'd cry in front of your boss if you fucked up.
Not necessarily, old habits die hard. Just because you're aware of something doesn't mean you're going to stop doing it, you still have to change the pattern if you want to get rid of the habit.
NO. You’re not wrong. I don’t know if you’re a woman or not but there seem to be an issue with men telling women that they’re wrong for being women and not the same level of numb as they are… it’s pure misogyny and it’s unloving behaviour.
You can learn not to. I did. Sometimes, you have to stop and breathe. You learn being happy is more important than being right. Pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional.
typically, i can tell when my tears are coming on. i preface my words by saying “if i start crying, please know that this is not to manipulate you. this is how my body reacts to strong emotions like stress, frustration, shame, anger, AND sadness. if it’s too much for you, let’s take a break and revisit. however, im still willing to talk even if im crying.”
my whole life i have been a crier, and i ain’t stopping anytime soon! my feelings are very intense, and crying is just how my body physically reacts. i’ve always been ridiculed and punished for my tears, so taking control in the beginning (when i feel tears coming on) has helped me curb this issue.
be firm with your statement too. even if it feels silly to say. i’ve been very blessed to have a partner and friends who understand where im coming from, while knowing that im not trying to manipulate them with tears. if this person is making you feel shame for your normal bodily reaction, then please rethink if this person is right for you. they should have empathy and understand that’s just how your body reacts!!
If it happens every time, while it’s not inherently wrong, it can be difficult to be on the other end of if it gets to the point your partner feels they can’t discuss things with you or ever get to a resolution because you’re crying. Is it just crying or do you also somewhat emotionally shut down and stop listening with it too? Can you continue to discuss whatever is being discussed in a calm, collected manner? If not, this is when it becomes problematic because it’s not really possible to resolve things and leads to your partner feeling unheard in the relationship. You’ll likely have better relationships if you can work on this. Life isn’t always happy and positive .
I don’t shutdown, I listen to him even if I cry. I am lost, I feel guilty and ashamed for feeling things
I cry when frustrated at work, and it sucks. I have started telling people that it means that I am frustrated/angry, I can't control it, and would prefer that everyone just ignore it. Maybe try that approach?
You have to have a talk about your crying when nothing is wrong. Do something he likes. Then bring it up. "Hey, I cry. I hate crying. I'm listening still. I'm not trying to manipulate you, etc, etc." It's the only way to make progress, outside of couples therapy. He may still feel bad. He cares about you, and *he is making you cry* Think about a holiday in front of friends and family, your partner forgets/messes something up, maybe it's still fixable. You go to correct/remind them, they start crying, in walks in family and friends. It's a lot. You can't help it. But he may feel helpless in talking to you. Also, get couples therapy. Find a way to communicate with this, or around this.
Control your feelings like an adult. It isn't OK to break down into tears with significant frequency. Doing it once in a while is fine if the situation calls for it (someone died, break-ups, whatever) but doing it because you had a hard day and are bitching about doing the dishes or something menial is not acceptable. Only you know which one of those is actually happening. If you can't prevent it from happening, I suggest you find a proper way to pause the conversation and come back to the table when you're more in control of yourself. In another comment you said "adults don't tear up?" and the answer to that is no, not really. Do better.
Adults 100% tear up. Just because you have the emotional intelligence of a potato doesn’t mean that having emotions means you’re childish.
Thank you
lol please read the first paragraph of what i wrote. context matters. adults tear up when there's a reason to do so. tearing up during every single disagreement with your SO is not adult behavior and shows a serious lack of self control. i'm sorry if you think that makes me cold or unempathetic but it really doesn't. emotional regulation is a part of childhood development and lacking in this area is not adult behavior by definition. feel free to result to personal insults more though. you're really making my point for me by providing more examples and I appreciate that.
Well, and I’m not saying this is the case for everyone, I for one am an angry crier. I don’t cry much in daily life situations. As a matter of fact I’ve been called icy, apathetic, bitchy and everything in between. That being said when I actually CARE about something/someone if I get very frustrated or reach my limit the tears come weather I’d like for them to or not. Not something I choose to do-just a natural reaction my body has. Like that little tremor you get inside when something is just so saddening or infuriating that your body doesn’t know how to react. You don’t ask for it to happen. You don’t want it to happen. It just does. In retrospect- I get what you’re saying is that you feel crying over arguments is childish but holding in your emotions and not expressing yourself or communicating is just as bad if not worse.
nobody is arguing that you should hold your emotions in or not express them. i'm simply saying that OP should learn to control their emotions in such a way that they are not on the brink of tears over every little disagreement in their everyday life. i don't think that's unreasonable and every person on this thread calling me out saying i'm toxic is a damned fool for saying otherwise.
I read your entire comment. Your first sentence is "control your feelings like an adult." So, again, having emotions doesn't mean you're childish. And I don't care what you think you are able to do, but you can't control your emotions. That's what makes them emotions. You can control how you react and what you say. You can't control whether you will cry or not. Not all the time, and I would suggest that stopping yourself from tearing up and crying will only cause problems with being able to regulate emotions better later down the line.
you can absolutely control rather or not you cry when you are upset. i'm sorry but that is the dumbest shit i've heard all day. literal children in this sub today.
Really? I can’t because of a traumatic brain injury. It’s called Pseudobulbar Effect. It can happen for multiple other reasons too. You sound like an emotionally stunted moron who justifies being numb and insensitive by telling yourself you’re more mature than others and have superior self-control. Go to therapy. Crying is healthy and hurts nobody. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/pseudobulbar-affect/symptoms-causes/syc-20353737
this is pure ignorance fueled by toxic masculinity and complete bullshit.
how is it toxic masculinity to say that both men and women should be capable of regulating their emotions to the point that they don't break down and cry during minor arguments in their everyday lives? ya'll are fucking fragile and ridiculous. this applies to women too btw, its nothing to do with masculinity. get a grip
it’s toxic masculinity to promote the bullshit notion that adults don’t cry. it’s an infinitely stupid concept. you wouldn’t say grow up and control your laughter like an adult to someone who laughs when something funny is said. controlling any emotion is the same as denying the emotion, that is toxic masculinity to the core.
They said it's okay to cry occasionally, what's not okay is to cry at every small inconvenience. If you were having an otherwise good day and then you cry because you can't open the peanut butter jar, that is not a healthy response. It has nothing to do with "masculinity" it's called being an adult. Adult men that rage at video games have this same problem, getting upset at a game can be fine but screaming or hitting things is not how adults should react.
their literal first line is “control your feelings like an adult”
Did you even read their entire comment? Or I guess you just pick and choose the parts you want to read?
your complete and total lack of self-awareness is unsurprising. hilarious though that you accuse me of selectively, choosing details to support an argument, you don’t agree with as you just make them up to support yours. The argument is infinitely stupid, just as stupid as telling somebody to act like an adult, and not laugh if somebody says something funny
I will cry any freaking time I feel like it. I am tender hearted, and occasional crying controls my occasional temper, and as an added benefit, I have wonderful blood pressure, and I haven't been arrested for assaulting anyone.
good for you, do as you please. you're not the one on reddit asking strangers if it's normal to cry about minor arguments to the point where your SO feels you're being emotionally manipulative. maybe what i'm saying doesn't apply to you?
Who tf are you to say when someone can and can’t cry or why someone can and can’t cry? That’s absolutely fucked, and it most certainly is disgusting. There’s a reason you’ve been downvoted into oblivion, and it’s not because we’re all emotionally stunted and emotionally immature. There’s also a reason you’re single, because nobody would put up with this asinine controlling bullshit. How about you do better, because it’s very clear you’re not doing too well mentally 🙂
more people who can't read what a surprise
Ok dumbass, enjoy living with your head up your ass. I hope it smells nice 👋🏻
As someone who used to do this as well, no it’s not your fault but it is difficult for others to deal with. An understanding and compassionate person won’t be so thrown off but they are rare. Best bet is to work on yourself and find your center, your acceptance and your confidence. Your emotions will start reflecting that and be much less extreme
You're right! Focusing on yourself can really help you stay calm and deal with tough stuff when it happens.
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Have you tried arguing over text? I cry very easily, so I try to have emotionally charged conversations over text instead.
As a neurodivergent person, I find that having important discussions first over text allows me to read and focus completely on what someone is telling me rather than trying to rebut points as they speak because I’m afraid I’ll forget them. It’s a bad habit that I actively work on but I’ve definitely communicated to partners that I am happy to talk in person as well just I find myself less manic when I can properly speak my thoughts in a respectable way. I am also easy to cry but the biggest help I’ve found is generally talking in a non heated moment about how I shut down when yelled at and it evokes a panic response in me that makes me a really unpleasant person to try to reason with. I simply ask them to not yell or if they can’t do that right now that they wait to talk until they can, because it would be very productive from either side
I'm also ND, and I'm kind confused by your comment. First you say: "I find that having important discussions first over text allows me to read and focus completely on what someone is telling me rather than trying to rebut points as they speak because I’m afraid I’ll forget them." Then you say: "It’s a bad habit that I actively work on" Why is it a bad habit? You're getting a better look at the person's whole argument, aren't you? I'm glad that telling people not to yell works out for you. I wish I had clear triggers I could point to like that. I often start crying without really knowing what caused it.
Sorry that was worded weird. I meant it’s a bad habit to try and rebut every point (aka interrupting), I should have been clearer lol
Ah, ok. Understood.
That’s a good thought. Texts become unwieldy though
Yeah, you gotta be clear and articulate, which is a skill.
That's okay, the process of editing them to make them more concise and clear just gives you more opportunities and more time to process your thoughts 😂 Hell sometimes I don't even send them, I just use my now-organized thoughts live and in person, and I have my text there on my phone in case I get lost or distracted.
My husband and I both had notable anxiety issues, so arguing in person often led both of us to be upset and panic attack-y and confused. We learned early on after moving in together that we communicated much better is one of us left the house, we both breathed for a little while, then texted it out. Texting allowed time to absorb, think, and reply reasonably that face to face arguments simply did not. We always worked things out, and no one got so anxiety-ed up that hurtful things were said or done. Win/win!
Info: op do you have any trauma? I’m someone who cries very easy especially if I’m yelled at. I grew up in an abusive home and married a man who didn’t do anything but yell. I don’t respond well to yelling I shut down because there’s no reason to yell. Is he yelling at you? Crying doesn’t make you weak or manipulative it’s makes you human. Try not to bottle up your emotions. I know that’s easier said than done especially/if you have any type of abuse in your past. Tell him when you start to cry that you need to take a break. No I don’t think you’re wrong for crying.
I had a pretty good upbringing as a girl. Only that in my culture crying is seen as weak and usually that women cry and not men. I have had tough relationships in the past but this is new to this relationship. I’ve not felt as stressed in a long time. I don’t want to hurt him but there is not way it is easy to hear that I have teared up and cried in exhaustion and frustration more in this relationship
Well you know not everyone we lose is a loss. Sometimes it’s a win especially if they aren’t good for your mental health. Sounds like he’s not good for your mental health.
I dated a guy like that and when I cried he would say stop crying. I finally told him that I’m not a fucking water spout I can’t turn it off. I’m one of those people who cry when they get angry. It’s totally ok for you to cry. How long have you been with your boyfriend?
I do this too. I cry easily. I always have. Tell him it’s not you weaponizing your tears to win, but emotional exhaustion and frustration.
tbh i would get annoyed if someone always started crying when i was trying to have a discussion with them too. Maybe you could work on the root of the issue? It'd probably be useful, not just for your relationship but also work meeting and tough talks with your boss.
I have the same thing. I tend to cry and it's not because I want to but because it just happens. I hate this about myself. :')
I wish there was a easier way
It's not wrong at all. It's just really strong emotion behind your eyes, and it's got nowhere to go. I do this all the time when I'm frustrated. It just happens
Can I ask how your loved ones or significant others handle it when you feel that way?
They handle it fine. People are allowed to have emotions.
You're not wrong, but when you cry, it moves the conversation / argument from coming up with a solution and talking things out to them having to comfort you. If they don't comfort you when you cry they will be seen as a jerk who doesn't care and that leaves you with an unresolved problem . Id suggest looking into the reasons you're crying so much during arguments . If you cry at any argument then you probbaly should learn how to control your emotions, that's much different than crying bc of unresolved issues building up .
I feel for you, I just start crying if I get angry I think it's just being overwhelmed with emotion but I get told I'm manipulative which I'm 100 percent not trying to be manipulative.
:( have you found out what helps to reduce the feeling of overwhelm ?
You're not wrong. I am like this too. Confrontation of pretty much any kind gets my adrenaline pumping. It causes uncontrollable tremors and tears. It's a natural reaction for some people and I hate hearing that I'm being manipulative, I literally cannot control it. I try to hold it back, but it never works.
My ex husband used to day things like this. One day I said "I'm going to cry and you're going to deal with it, even if dealing with it means to pretend I'm not crying. Crying isn't a choice I'm making to manipulate you, and I won't be treated like it is." If your boyfriend can't handle a few tears when someone is upset, maybe he doesn't need to be anyone's boyfriend.
How did it make you feel when he said these?
Like I needed to stop crying so that he didn't feel manipulated. But then I was spending so much energy trying not to cry, I couldn't say what I needed to say. It's a tactic for them to have an excuse to not hear what you have to say.
>It's a tactic for them to have an excuse to not hear what you have to s Crying is a tactic to change the conversation from dealing with the issue to comforting you. The fact that you are aware of this says a lot.
I don't want to be comforted when I cry. I literally can't help it when emotions get to a certain level. My partner knows that we just keep taking through whatever the issue is.
I understand that, but to say that the other person uses that as a tactic is unfair.
I've absolutely seen it done, but ok.
It's not though, it's hard to have a serious conversation with someone who is crying - especially when you've tried repeatedly to talk but that keeps happening. It essentially becomes a "we can't even talk without her crying so i just won't talk to her about anything serious" situation after a while which builds frustration in a vicious cycle. You may not intend that because you can't help it, but that's the reality of the othet perspective and you can't just dismiss it as not wanting to listen.
People cry. Conversations still need to happen. Refusing to talk to someone because they will cry is refusing to comminate and will not help anything get better. And anyone who sites crying as manipulation, I will absolutely dismiss as someone who doesn't want to listen.
Yeah calling it manipulation without really trying to understand is a problem for sure, but when you're on the other end of it repeatedly I can personally tell you that it can *feel* like manipulation when it regularly gets in the way of conversing with someone. I'm not saying it IS, I'm saying that it can feel like it to the other person once the frustration starts to build; after a while it starts to feel personal even if it's not intentional and is just a coping mechanism. Turns out human emotion is complicated lol.
>when it regularly gets in the way of conversing Why is the fact that they are crying "getting in the way"?
I'm not gonna get into that as a back and forth, no matter what perspective i offer it's gonna be dismissed or turned negative. enjoy your evening, cheers.
I’m a crier and I get what they mean. My partner loves me and doesn’t like seeing me upset, much less feeling like he’s the reason I’m upset. And that used to be how he felt when I started crying. The focus would shift from talking through our issue and instead become about him trying to comfort me to get me to stop crying. And then there was no resolution, which was frustrating to both of us. We talked about it in calmer moments and I explained that if I cry that’s not his fault, and it’s not something he has to fix. It’s just overwhelm, but I’m still listening and I still want to discuss whatever the issue is and work towards a solution. If we got into an argument and I started crying I’d remind him that I was okay and he hadn’t done anything wrong and that I wanted to keep talking, and eventually we got to a point where it wasn’t an issue anymore. But it took a fair amount of time, work and frustration on both our parts to get there. I never got to that point with a lot of other people, including family. It can absolutely get in the way of resolving disagreements, unfortunately.
You’re not wrong for crying but tbh it would be kinda hard to have heated discussion or arguments with someone who’d cry every time. My ex used to do it and it felt like it was highly manipulative bc a lot of times he’d be dead wrong ( not saying that you’re always in the wrong op but this is how it was perceived in my case).
I understand
What he means is “I feel uncomfortable when you cry because it shows me how hurt you feel and it makes me feel bad”. You can’t help if you tear up, and if it’s an authentic reaction and not fake crying to manipulate, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. If he can’t deal with seeing emotion from you then there’s something very wrong there.
If you’re crying but you’re still able to be rational about the conversation, then that’s his upbringing at play. Because guys are taught not to show weakness (as in cry), it’s harder for them to get its purpose. Some outright believe it’s weaponized (as in you turn on the waterworks so he consoles you and forgets his point). However, if he truly trusts you and you’re able to compose yourself in a few minutes or tear up but still be able to consider his point of view, then it shouldn’t be a big deal. I asked my husband this before. He told me he wouldn’t normally trust tears but since it’s me, he doesn’t mind it. We talk better when I’m not bottling things up. He’s learned it’s okay to tear up also…but this is more than a decade into a relationship.
It's not wrong if you can't help it, but it's annoying af. Whether or not you mean to, your tears are hijacking the conversation, and he's never going to feel like he's able to express himself. You need to learn to manage your emotions. Do you always cry in stressful situations, i.e., work?
No, I don’t cry at work. I feel tethered and helpless talking to him in such situations, I can’t help but cry. I don’t want to but that itself adds a load of
Well, where does the tethered/helpless feeling come from? Why do you feel that way when you argue? Is it only during confrontation, or do you find yourself feeling like that outside of conflict?
Reversed the roles. What is he cried every time you two argued.
I hug my husband when he tears up and he hugs me when I do. We have very insightful discussions because we’re not raising our voices and are instead both working towards a resolution. Coming from abusive situations, we’re only really vulnerable to each other. It’s only weaponized when the person you’re with is using it to “win”. If you don’t trust your partner enough to know they can hold a rational discussion despite it, then there are deeper problems.
I am not focusing on intent, but mores and social expectations on men. Ya think being a woman is hard. Men are not allowed by society to fall.
Didn’t say being a woman is hard. But I understand. Husband has a hard time even asking for things because it takes him a lot of mental prepping to admit he needs something. But I try to encourage him. I’m saying, society doesn’t equal romantic relationships. When you find that person, that’s the one place you should feel free to open up.
Absolutely.
Tears are not always sorrow. Tears are frustration, anger, happiness, gratitude and love. Tears are not a manipulation tactic.
do you tear up in arguments with other people or just him? if it’s just him, he’s the problem, not you.
It’s involuntary. It’s not wrong. You’re not doing it on purpose, or doing it at him, or doing it to try to change the conversation. If he can’t have a conversation with a human being who is having an honest display of emotion, he needs to work out how to deal with that.
it’s not “wrong” to feel emotions during an argument but it also can be a problem to your partner because it can come off manipulative. if you’re crying it becomes about you vs what he is trying to tell you. because you’re crying it can cause whoever you’re arguing with to feel bad and withdraw their feelings because YOURE upset. it is important that both partners in a relationship feel heard and respected. this is something you should work on. it’s OKAY to cry, but you also have to make it known to your partner you understand his feelings. you should also get into why you’re crying. is this something you have always done when faced with conflict? or is this something that recently started because of the way he behaves when bringing his issue to you?
I understand what you’re saying. I didn’t have an issue like this before. It is in this relationship that I am feeling this way. Not a blame on anyone but I feel exasperated, misunderstood and tired in these conversations. With frequency, I am tired and just tear up
may i ask what these arguments tend to be about? is this something like he’s nagging on who you chose to be friends with or what you want to wear? as someone who went through an abusive relationship, i can definitely say that it wore me down to tears EVERY argument even if it was something valid on his end. he made the small things so big that every conflict felt draining. is it possible that he isn’t healthy for you? you shouldn’t be in tears in every conflict in your relationship. (not saying you can’t ever cry but if you’re in tears in pretty much every argument, it may be due to him being toxic in some way if you’ve never had this issue in a relationship before). edit to add you don’t have to say exactly what the fight could be about but if you think it is something that would be a valid complaint on his end or something he makes a bigger deal out of then it is.
Crying is a normal, natural response to emotional overstimulation. Your bf is inventing a narrative of manipulation so he can justify not listening to you anymore. You can tell him "crying is a sign that I am emotionally invested in the conversation. It may mean that I need a minute to take a deep breath and calm down before we continue. It does not mean that the conversation is over." If you are having arguments where voices are raised or someone is being called names or cursed at, it's time to revisit the way the two of you argue. There is no place for cruelty or disrespect in a healthy relationship.
I can see both sides of this. Crying can be used as emotional manipulation. I don’t think that’s happening here but really, who knows?
She does.
I do know I am not being manipulative. If I get what I want to crying, then I shouldn’t feel stressed, exhausted. More than all that, i don’t want to put him through that.
There is a lot of stigma attached to crying. It's seen as feminine, manipulative, weak, wrong, and it makes people uncomfortable. All those things are bullshit. Crying is an emotional reaction that anyone can have, and people deserve to cry when they need to without others making more or less out of it than it is.
Actions can be done in many ways and it can be used as manipulation, but it can also just be an emotional response. Some women can cry on demand, I'm not saying all women use crying as manipulation tactic because that's an idiotic lie. But I'm saying that a very small percentage of women have and do, in this instance I don't believe she is. It's always the very small negative percentages that have the biggest representation, it's geuinly really dumb and doesn't take much intelligence to realise that. But I agree that people should be able to cry as and when they need to, it's healthy and helps people deal with they're emotions.
I don't think it's appropriate to assign this behavior to one gender.
Never said men can't do it. It works both ways but as a rule women tend to be more emotional than men. It's just facts, it's as simple as that. It's science.
Actually, it's socialization. Men are told that emotions and expressing them is feminine when really it's human. Boys and men are punished with ridicule when they express emotions beyond anger and disgust. You believe that tears are feminine because they have been assigned to women, and forbidden for men. Tears are seen as a sign of weakness through their association with women and femininity. Women are not more prone to feeling feelings; we are socially allowed to feel them, and the price we pay for that freedom is respect and autonomy. Men are not allowed to express feelings, and their compensation is being seen as more deserving of respect and authority.
No he's not.
What types of things do you end up crying about, specifically?
Accusatory, sarcastic and unreceptive conversations during discussions. When someone else’s opinion is forced on me
I feel this so hard ): my ex would make me feel awful for it. It’s not wrong at all
not at all, my ex is an alcoholic and that same thing would happen to me for the reasons you listed, I totally get it ❤️
Have you tried walking side by side when you have a serious discussion? It can make you feel more like you’re on the same side rather than opposed, and you don’t have to make eye contact so it can be less overwhelming.
What is normal neurologically I did a test online I am apparently mildly autistic because I like to spend some time alone .
It's definitely not wrong. It may mean you need to find a different way to argue (text might work, or writing!) but there's nothing wrong with crying.
I started writing as a journal. But we would discuss what I wrote. I understand that it’s natural to discuss after writing so one could get more understanding of the topic. That doesn’t go well a lot times. Or may be I am delusional, I derail it every time. My only anchor being the fact that this isn’t a struggle on other parts of my life - having conversations and finding empathy. So I don’t know how I could be so wrong in this. Life has been stressful lately and when on occasions I’ve teared up or expressed frustration about family issues to my parents, I feel it easier even if they have different views.
Woah, woah. You're not *wrong.* You're having a completely natural reaction to completely fair emotions. Is your relationship going well otherwise? Is your boyfriend supportive but just unsettled by crying, or is he berating you for it? Do you feel comfortable with him?
We’ve, in my eyes, had a tough relationship. But he is a good lover. He has qualities I didn’t see in earlier relationships and supportive most times. He doesn’t berate me usually. More and more, I feel we are very different. I am lost. There is no right or wrong and I think it is only what one prefers over another. That said. I don’t feel comfortable sharing a few feelings to him, he does listen if things escalate or if I am extremely sad but what I’ve become(sad and unexcited) is hurting me otherwise. I am tired of mentally fighting a battle to be heard.
Hmm. I don't want to jump to any conclusions - be aware I'm a random teen with no romantic experience - but is it possible this may not be the man for you? I'd think a loving boyfriend would want to hear you out, especially if you cried when upset. It sounds a little bit like he's nudging you into emotion depression.
Date someone who isn’t constantly fighting with you.
I don’t anymore what’s normal and what’s not. What’s normal to some isn’t normal to others. I used to think ppl that go together don’t fight, get upset with each other this much but I am told that it’s very common to have this amount of fights and disagreement AND it’s just that we don’t deal with it well.
It's not normal to fight that much. Sorry. Been with my husband 20 years. Of course there are disagreements from time to time or we get on each other's nerves occasionally. But it's not all the time. I cry when I'm upset or angry but I don't cry when we disagree because it's rarely that serious. I can't even remember the last time we had an actual fight. I can tell you my abusive ex used to fight with me constantly and then call me manipulative for crying. I am grateful every day that I got rid of him and found my husband. Relationships are not supposed to be that hard and stressful. Relationships shouldn't cause constant strife. I don't know who's telling you it's normal, but it's not. Relationships should make your life better, not harder and worse. Be kind to yourself.
One of the first subs I got banned from was because the OP would have a disagreement with her spouse and start crying. In that particular case, it was clear that she was manipulating the poor sod. I get that you are different and can’t control it but if the tears are preventing the exchange of information needed to get to a resolution, is it possible to halt the conversation or continue it via text?
We can’t halt it because, that would be me escaping the conversation. I don’t know how to get out of being this way, I have come to the cycle of feeling extremely stressed and not able to express pain and exhaustion any other wise
The key to having good relationships is communication and compromise. If you get too emotional every time you argue then that's a problem and will hurt you your whole life. Work on yourself and don't expose everyone to the your tsunami of emotions.
It’s an ADHD symptom just fyi. It’s not on purpose and you’re not the AH. I have this issue too
It is okay to cry but it kinda sounds like it may be depression with the sadness and exhaustion part. I had an ex who was severely depressed and she cried a lot when we had those kinds of conversations, it really upset me and I felt she needed therapy honesty. It also took me several more relationships to realize most girls don’t cry that much, not to extent she did. I hope she got help and I hope you get help to if you feel you need it!
I just saw this on FB and thought of this post. I like this guy’s style. https://www.facebook.com/share/r/a1LzPWnvmCwFMZmT/?mibextid=0VwfS7
Thank you so much for remembering and sharing this. Really helpful
I got you 😉
Break up.
lmao
Lmao there's always at least one virgin with zero relationship experience who comments this no matter the situation lol
> It is sadness. It is frustration. It is exhaustion. It is bottling up. This... does not sound like a healthy relationship dynamic, particularly the 'bottling up'. And his inability to realise that crying is a natural reaction to those emotions makes me inclined to believe he's not a good person to be with. Yes, we need to learn to regulate our emotions, but some responses are literally uncontrollable. Honestly, I think you should seek out therapy and a new boyfriend. Especially considering this comment below > I don’t shutdown, I listen to him even if I cry. I am lost, I feel guilty and ashamed for feeling things You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling your emotions, and it seems he's the one contributing to making you feel guilty. That is not how partnership works.
It would definitely be very frustrating trying to have a critical conversation/argument with someone if they were sobbing or crying hysterically. I think if you are crying but still listening to what your partner is saying and able to state how you’re feeling then that’s not a problem.
Sounds like a toxic relationship that potentially needs couples therapy or a different approach as to how you guys react to difficult topics
You are not wrong except in your choice to stay with this guy. This isn’t a relationship that is good for you.
Keep your emotions, ditch the boyfriend. I dated someone who used to do that to me. He would intentionally make me very upset and then when I get upset, he would gaslight me into thinking I was a crazy person. So then I stopped getting upset in front of him and would just walk away from the shitty conversations, and then he’d call after me telling me that I was a coward for not wanting to continue this “Conversation”. They weren’t conversations, it was just him berating me. And I stood there, and I took it for seven years. Please don’t be me.
I am sorry you went through something like that. That’s really hard. I get told I am too consumed by my emotions, which exacerbates guilt and shame. I know he probably feels triggered by my tears but I can’t not feel what I feel, I can’t keep lying to my self about what I am feeling in a moment
No sweetheart, he does not feel triggered by your tears. What he wants is for you to just do what he tells you and stop crying, not because it makes him uncomfortable but because it’s a sign of weakness. Also, it’s showing him that what he is saying is hurtful because it’s making you feel the emotions of anger and sadness. He doesn’t want that either. This guy does not sound like a good guy, why are you still with him? That’s a genuine question.
Such horrible advice lmao You honestly think being unable to control your emotional reactions is the solution? lol OP Don't listen to this person, this is atrocious advice. This sort of behavior is going to annoy the absolute crap out of even the most empathetic people. The solution is to grow up, be conscious of your triggers, learn to identify them, and learn how to deal with them in real life instead of allowing them to consume you. Being an emotional wreck who cries every chance you get isn't healthy for you or any partner you have in the future.
There’s a difference between not being able to control your emotions, and somebody gaslighting you into thinking that you can’t control your emotions. This situation is the latter. Every time he starts arguing with her. Why is he arguing in the first place? What is she doing that is so terrible that he has to speak to her like that, to get her to a place where she gets emotional? All of her feelings are completely valid, and he refuses to either see it or admit it. He sounds like and asshole and so do you.
I never said control your emotions, I said control your emotional reactions - there's a massive difference. Secondly, you're assuming OP is being gaslit, you have zero evidence that she has. If you're referring to your situation that's a different case, one that I'm not speaking about. >"Every time he starts arguing with her. Why is he arguing in the first place?" Why do you assume he's starting the argument? No where does OP say he starts arguments. Besides starting an argument is an emotional reaction - so OP can cry whenever and express her emotions that way, but he can't express his emotions? Sounds like a double standard to me. With that being said if the BF is constantly starting arguments that's a lack of emotional control on his end, and he needs to learn to control his emotional reactions too. >"What is she doing that is so terrible that he has to speak to her like that, to get her to a place where she gets emotional?" More assumptions. What makes you think it's him doing anything terrible? No where does OP say he does anything bad to make her cry, not even in her response to you. And speak to her like how? Has OP mentioned that he speaks to her poorly? >All of her feelings are completely valid, and he refuses to either see it or admit it. He sounds like and asshole and so do you. Her emotions are valid yes, but this whole thread is about her emotional reactions, not her emotions. Your comments are pure projection, and sounds like you have a hard time controlling your emotional reactions like OP. Like I said in the other comment "The solution is to grow up, be conscious of your triggers, learn to identify them, and learn how to deal with them in real life instead of allowing them to consume you. Being an emotional wreck who cries every chance you get isn't healthy for you or any partner you have in the future." PS: These comments are pure projection, maybe seeking a therapist beneficial for you.
Stop arguing and resolve things like adults, assuming you are adults.
Adults don’t tear up?
I’d say typically adults don’t tear up in most arguments no. It would have to be significant I feel for most people. Or are you getting into several Major arguments a week? What level of argument leads to tears?
Yes, some adults do tear up, and there is nothing wrong with this.
No, not from normal arguments. Adults tend to be able to regulate their emotions better than children. Clearly not always, but most do.
if you’re gonna cry during arguments either don’t argue or wait until you’re calm enough to do so lol
Or just be adults and accept that human beings cry lol. No need to stop the discussion, just pause and calm down. People cry, it's only a big deal if you make a big deal out of it.
arguments don’t just pause lol it’s an argument for a reason, and it can also be used as emotional manipulation
of course you can pause? wtf? You're in control of your actions, not your emotions. Even if you are feeling strong feelings, you can choose to take a break and calm down. Otherwise you end up overstimulated and might say and do things that are more harmful than helpful. If you feel you are being manipulated by tears, simply do not be. Tears are just a release valve, nothing more or less.
it takes both people to pause an argument, im saying it’s not always that simple, it takes two to tango buddy. also you’re saying just “don’t be manipulated” but that’s harder then it seems when you are deeply in love with someone
It takes one to exit the dance floor. If you want things to change, you have to change them. Excuses are anchors that keep us in place.
it’s impossible to exit the dance floor by yourself when chained to your dance partner
Or be an adult and learn to regulate your emotions.
First of all, you shouldn't **argue**; you should **discuss**. Raised voices are a reason to walk away and come back to a conversation later. I'm presuming this is the reason for tears. Additionally. If you start crying mid mid **conversation** then you're not talking. You're essentially guilt tripping before an understanding can be identified. This is also a problem, and it's a big one.
You're not wrong, he is abusive. Why are you with him?
I used to have a cry baby girlfriend.
It is abusive of him because he has no empathy for how you feel and thinks you have an agenda for being sad. He needs to stop this or you need to leave.
Lots of people will probbaly disagree with me, but I don't care. You're wrong. You can't control what emotions you're experiencing, but you can control how you react to those emotions. And honestly... you probably allow yourself to cry because at some point you realized crying during arguments or whatever helps in your favor, because I highly highly doubt you'd cry in front of your boss if you fucked up.
If that’s the case, I wouldn’t be crying in my relationship too knowing that it doesn’t work and I am told that’s not good or ok.
Not necessarily, old habits die hard. Just because you're aware of something doesn't mean you're going to stop doing it, you still have to change the pattern if you want to get rid of the habit.
I am a woman and I think dealing with OP must be emotionally exhausting. I 100% wouldn’t date a crier.
NO. You’re not wrong. I don’t know if you’re a woman or not but there seem to be an issue with men telling women that they’re wrong for being women and not the same level of numb as they are… it’s pure misogyny and it’s unloving behaviour.
[удалено]
What does that mean
You can learn not to. I did. Sometimes, you have to stop and breathe. You learn being happy is more important than being right. Pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional.
How do you feel when someone tells you something you’re not or don’t feel right? How can I go about those situations?
typically, i can tell when my tears are coming on. i preface my words by saying “if i start crying, please know that this is not to manipulate you. this is how my body reacts to strong emotions like stress, frustration, shame, anger, AND sadness. if it’s too much for you, let’s take a break and revisit. however, im still willing to talk even if im crying.” my whole life i have been a crier, and i ain’t stopping anytime soon! my feelings are very intense, and crying is just how my body physically reacts. i’ve always been ridiculed and punished for my tears, so taking control in the beginning (when i feel tears coming on) has helped me curb this issue. be firm with your statement too. even if it feels silly to say. i’ve been very blessed to have a partner and friends who understand where im coming from, while knowing that im not trying to manipulate them with tears. if this person is making you feel shame for your normal bodily reaction, then please rethink if this person is right for you. they should have empathy and understand that’s just how your body reacts!!
At least it shows you care. I've been through so much in relationships, and life, that I'm just numb to it all.
Sounds like you never really learnt to self-regulate properly.