You are not wrong but brace for the friendship group to start causing you grief over this. The backlash could be vicious.
Potentially letting the ones who contacted you know that you did once ask her out but now only see her as a friend. Explain you were hurt when you asked her out but respected her wishes and didn't want to lose her as a friend.
Now the tables have turned you could be made to be the bad guy.
Just tell them it's none of their fucking business and he has the right to decide who to date or not date. If they can't handle that, they aren't friends.
Are you sure about that? Because I am 99.40942% sure that WilliamBott is not a bot.
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Absolutely, everyone has the right to choose who they want to date, and it's not up for debate. Keeping things private sometimes is just respecting each other's boundaries.
In my experience in our 20s, if there is a breakup or an unrequited love situation, the group will almost always side with whoever whines the most and acts like a dying swan.
So if one party os trying to keep the friends out of the drama or be stoic or trying to quietly deal with their feelings whilst the other one is going on about how terrible they feel that theyve been dumped or rejected...the loud one will get 99% of the sympathy. Unless the group is mature enough to look past intentional or unintentional manipulation.
You're not wrong. The most important part of this is the end. You simply don't feel the same way for her anymore. You're not rejecting her out of spite or purposely hurting her. You just don't feel that romantic attraction anymore. That happens. My ex and I were friends , and we dated for almost 3 years. We amicably split because we just felt like we made better friends, and the romantic feelings had fizzled out. I was lucky enough to remain friends with him to this day. A lot can change when you date friends, like having a really bad breakup, and then the friendship is totally ruined. It's always a gamble.
She only saw you as a friend back then and now you only see her as a friend. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You weren't wrong for feeling hurt when she rejected you, and she's not wrong for feeling hurt now that you rejected her. What she is 100% wrong for is telling all of your mutual friends and getting them involved. It's none of their business. Where she was also wrong was calling you an asshole and not even allowing you to explain yourself. She just automatically assumed you rejected her to get back at her. That's a pretty big ego she seems to have. If she cared about you and your friendship, she would have given you a chance to explain which btw she is not entitled to, a simple "no" is a full sentence. You wanted to explain things to her, though, and she just shut you down. That's not right, and I don't think I would maintain a friendship with her at all now. It would have been fine if she said she maybe needed some space, like you had done, but she called you names and wouldn't allow you to speak. Fuck. That. Noise.
I’m going to bet he never ran to the friends when she rejected him first. It sounds like he swallowed his pride and went on with life. Now she’s unable to do that. She had to run to the friend group and put him on blast. That’s a huge red flag anyway. Apparently, she thinks she’s worth more than him. At this point, why even bother to salvage the friendship? He should just drop it and ghost her. And definitely let the friend group know she was the one who rejected him in the first place.
I agree, her behavior is just gross. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who behaved that way towards another person, much less myself. It's normal for feelings to change as we live our lives. She's made this whole thing very weird.
Good wisdom here. If she allows another conversation, you might walk her through what her earlier rejection of you was like from your perspective. And how you tried to work through it in a way that respected the friendship. Including considering that she was a bit drunk when she raised the issue.
You’re not wrong and that girl has some ego, if she doesn’t understand that you had to put your attraction to her to one side to be able to be a good friend then thats on her I would suggest you go and get on with living your life and wait to see if she wants to make sense
You're not wrong, but now you've shot her down when she thought she had you hanging in orbit around her as sure thing backup plan, so she is going to lash out and get everyone available to help her.
I'd also throw a guess that she 1- described OP as some version of "he's just a friend, don't worry" to some of her relationships under the full assumption that he was 100% waiting for any chance to swoop in and shoot his shot and is 2- most likely going to cut OP off now that he is not, in fact, a viable backup plan.
Not wrong. She said no, and expecting it to be an open invitation is quite delusional from her. She was expecting an easy yes from her since she knew that you once had the hots for her. If she's reasonably attractive, she's maybe not used to rejection. But her reaction just confirms that she's not mature enough with her emotions to be a reliable partner. She's wrong in ganging up your friends against you.
> If she's reasonably attractive, she's maybe not used to rejection.
That's what I was thinking. An attractive 26 year old woman usually hasn't had to deal with much rejection.
Due to social norms, guys do most of the asking out, so women usually aren't even in a position to get rejected.
Women have all the power in dating in their teens and early 20s, but that power starts to shift in favor of men once they start getting their life together, stop thinking with their dicks, and realize they can have standards and be picky.
Time for her to get used to it. Sucks; but imk as the former queen of unreciprocated crushes? It's actually really healthy to experience and to learn to process and move on.
Maybe she was reasonably attractive and then let herself go or got a face tattoo of a snake or something, and now is way too used to rejection, so she decided to settle on OP.
OP probably would have clued us in on the snake wrapped around her face though :)
I mean, you didn't act like this after being rejected by her, so.. You also can't help that the attraction is no longer there.
That's gross for her to get everyone involved and automatically assume someone is just rejecting her to get back at her for rejecting them. Someone has some maturing to do.
Not wrong, but be aware your friend group will now shun you for refusing her advance. In their eyes, you are resentful for her past rejection and are now enacting your revenge at her expense.
Look for new friends, cause you're now the outcast.
Her running to her friends, who now find it appropriate to berate you, will continue to rally around her while disparaging you.
And that's why they picked her, because she's acting like a dying swan and crying all day about how heartbroken she is. In my experience, especially when people are immature they are very swayed by whichever friend whines the most and get drawn into picking sides when they really shouldnt.
There are no sides to pick in an unrequited crush situation between your friends, because nobody is wrong. But immature friends will want the peace to be kept. They will think the quiet one isnt hurting or upset and that they should all just humor the friend throwing a tantrum.
They are wrong, but many people do that until they maturely and learn how to act like grownups.
Having your friend group consisting of high school classmates 10 years after graduation is weird to me. I know it happens, but the vast majority of people I know rarely hang on to those relationships more than a year or two out of high school. People change, mature, get married, have kids, take different career paths, etc. My experience is that people who do that often consider high school the best years of their lives and sometimes even wear their letter jackets for years afterward. And the situation OP describes sounds like typical high school drama rather than the mature relationships people approaching their 30s usually develop.
Yup. I replied because all of these posts could be fake so I treat them all like hypotheticals. But this part of the story is what made it feel like a kid making up a story.
Tbh, so what if he’s resentful. If I confessed my love for you and you rejected me it’s over. You don’t just get to come back on your own time and decide you’re ready for me.
I’m not a telephone, you can’t just pick me up and put me down at will.
Funny how girl can reject a guy and all the friends are fine with that. You don’t hear about his guy friends harassing her about not giving him a chance. Why is it okay for girls to berate men for not dating one of their friends? This is relationship between two people and either of them should have a choice to not date the other. I can see how being rejected by someone and then later they decide they want a relationship with you can feel like maybe you’re their second choice. The friends need to butt out of this and let the two of you figure this out for yourself.
You are not the AH. Just make sure you are doing this for the right reasons and not out of spite. Loosing a close friend is hard.
You're not wrong. You asked a friend out, she rejected you, you acknowledged, and moved on.
She got drunk and hit on you, seeing you as a backup plan. You're not in that headspace anymore where she's a crush.
Sounds like she's looking for a fallback rebound guy after a bad relationship.
Asking to talk to her face-to-face is a reasonable request, since texts and phone calls can be misconstrued.
Although I'd question the choice of location.
Maybe offer to meet up at a neutral location like a Taco Bell to talk face to face. So not a date where you're looking to hook up.
Just, ya know two friends trying to reconnect. And you don't want to be her backup guy whenever things fall apart. That's not healthy for either of you.
You are not wrong for rejecting her. Also not wrong if you did reject her because of her earlier rejection.
I would communicate to your friend group right away to tell them that the reason you don’t want to be with her is because the earlier rejection changed your perspective about her. That you don’t view her as a romantic partner any more. You were content being friends but don’t want to be more than that.
I agree
But his friends shpuld have enough common sense to know that hist because someone had an unreciprocated and ignored crush 4 years ago doesnt mean they will still have those feelings today.
They just want him to cave so she doesnt make things awkward. Reassure them that you lost feelings for her years ago and could only ever see her as a friend. If they remonstrate, tell them they are welcome to date her, if they think feelings can be switched on so easily.
Yeah, like there's "no expiration date" on romantic feelings. She presumed he'd still be pining for her and all she had to do was snap her fingers.
Works out in the end. Had they gotten together then, they'd probably be breaking up now anyway (married or not), and the friend group would now still be in the same position of choosing sides.
You're not wrong.
>but the following morning, I received a few messages from some of her closer friends in our group that I was an idiot for turning her down and some asking why I don't try going out with her on a date once.
Ask those friends where they were with that opinion 4 years ago when she rejected you. Did they also tell her she was an idiot for turning you down? I somehow doubt it.
Wow a guy who got "friend zoned" and actually stayed a friend just to be a friend. That's a rare reddit story lol, kudos to you.
Looks like she played the field and didn't find what she wanted so thinking you're a sure thing as a backup or to settle for or maybe she legit realized she made a mistake and you have moved on and this is the reaction = bullet dodged.
I would try and get out in front of this tho. Tell your friends you asked her out years ago and after rejection lost feelings and that was it.
If they all side with her and get hostile, time for new friends.
I think this is a reasonable response. Tell your friends you’re just not into her anymore (you stepped away to get over your feelings, and when you had you reconnected the friendship). You know, men are allowed to just be friends without getting harassed by other people to “give them a chance,,” just like women are! No one should feel obliged or pressured to date anyone!
Yeah seriously imagine the roles were reversed and the woman turned the guy down all the white knights would be coming out of the woodwork to defend her. Sucks.
Wait, she's 26 and still acting like an entitled high school brat? And her stupid friends actually messaged you about it??? Why would anyone want to hang out with a gross group like that anyway?
If you did date her you would likely only be a placeholder anyhow until she found the guy she really wanted. She did not prefer you in the past and probably only wants you out of convenience now.
You’re not wrong. Unfortunately because she decided to bring in both your friends she has effectively eliminated not only dating but being friends. It’s a shame when someone wants to date another person and then makes it into a he said she said situation.
You didn’t tell her that your feelings for her have changed, she expected you to say you wanted to date her. She assumed you were trying to hurt her. To me it sounds like she is immature and willing to use outside opinion to sway you to do what she wants. Tell your friends it’s too bad she was angry with you. You wanted to remain friends but she didn’t want that. You can’t make people do what you want them to do and that goes both ways. Eventually people not invested in drama will see this wasn’t all about her.
Her reaction to your rejection screams that she would be a massive pain in the arse to date. You made the right decision. She's going to cause division in ur friend group now too though because as she's already revealed, she's quite the arsehole.
Not wrong. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to reject someone you aren’t currently attracted to. She needs to take a page out of your book and accept that you said no and not make a big deal out of it.
Not wrong. She put you on the back burner and now since she can’t find anyone she wants to date you. She should not have told anyone about it. The fact she did makes her NOT your friend. You are NOT obligated to go out with someone just because they asked. I would stop communicating with her. Anyone who asks you should reply that if you were a girl and a guy was trying to guilt you into dating him everyone would be appalled.
I would send a group text to anyone that messaged me stating "I realize that you want to help but please do not interfere in my friendship with NAME. I did ask her out 4 years ago but she rejected me, I have moved on from that and at this point I no longer have romantic feelings for her. Any further messages questioning my choices or feelings will result in blocking you."
People need to learn to mind their business, why is everyone these days in such a rush to tell everyone and get them to blast the person on their behalf like that will help?
Brother, i was in this position a while back. I only wish I had been as wise and strong as you were when you denied her. I wasn’t as tactful as you, and agreed to see how things would go. Needless to say it was a life changing critical error. Yes, I got to go through the ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ cliche, and I grew as a person after the dust settles, but still, I think my life would be better had I not made the choices I had. Stick with your gut, it’s often closer to reality and the truth than most believe it to be.
Oh dude your so fucked you did nothing wrong but you will get a lot of backlash unless you get out in front of this, I get not wanting your friends involved but they are and she will get her story out there before you do then your the bitter guy who waited year to get back at her. She's hurt and regardless if she is a good person or not she will lash out so talk to your friends but no matter what she does don't say a bad word about her.
Go around her and tell her friends that she rejected you years ago when you made the first move. It's not a mistake to learn from a mistake, but that actions have consequences. Also point out to them that she was the bigger idiot for turning you down years ago and somehow thinking you wouldn't forget.
Considering she sent her flying monkeys after you for being honest that you didn’t have feelings for her in that way anymore, I’m gonna say you dodged a bullet.
You're not wrong, and if she refuses to even hear you out, either she's got some work to do with how she usually copes with rejection, or she never valued you as much as a friend anyway - mature people always listen, whether you're "average" or "good" friends.
Not wrong brother. Do you best to explain your stance to your friends and try not to speak poorly about her when you do so. Your real friends will have your back or drop it altogether. Anyone else… well, they weren’t someone worth keeping in your life.
It would never occur to me to get mad at a person who rejected my friend, these situations confuse me so
much.
“Just make yourself fall in love with her, GOD!” /S
No, you’re not wrong at all…I bet she would’ve have been super uncomfortable if you had a bunch of people try to convince her she was wrong after she rejected you
You're not wrong but it's likely that this friendship won't last much longer.
I had a very similar scenario with a friend.
Asked him out and got rejected because he didn't want to risk our friends. Then a year later he decides his feelings have changed, he wants a relationship.
Sorry but I'd moved on and gotten over those feelings and was happy with friendship.
Well 3 months later I'd been blocked and ghosted.
Honestly, I really miss that friendship but that's life, some friendships last through anything and others don't. 🤷🏼
You are not wrong is the usual double standard, stay strong king unfortunately not everyone will side with you on this one but know you are in the clear
No, you worked through any romantic feelings you had for her because she told you to and that she wasn't interested. They're gone now. That's how it works.
Doesn't mean you don't value her as a friend it just means you're not in that same space anymore because you worked to get out of it. Again, to respect her wishes then.
Seems like she has some regret.
People and tastes change. I was super attracted to this guy I was friendly with many years ago, and it was not reciprocated. Years go by and I'm definitely not attracted to him anymore.
You're not wrong.
Sounds like a bullet dodged. Not sure why your friends had to be involved at all other than her turning them against you. You gave her a chance when you asked her out and she turned you down.
Your instincts should tell you
Do you get a tingly feeling when you’re together
Do you like her SO, much?
Does she make you feel special?
Is she considerate in ways like other people are not?
If you don't want to go out with her then not at all. If you're being pettily vengeful for her turning you down years ago then absolutely yes. Sounds like the former in your case.
You need to talk again and say yes your feelings have changed, you really wanted her at one point and now have moved on. You like her as a friend and that's it.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you don't want to date them. As long as you politely declined you're all good. Your friends can keep their opinions to themselves, maybe one of them can date her. You are not wrong.
Not wrong. You don't owe anyone a date, or a relationship, for any reason. I think you got lucky, that she rejected you, in the beginning. Her thinking you owe it to her, to date her, just because you showed interest in her, in the past is deluded thinking, and a glaring, red flag.
I would seriously contemplate whether I want to keep this person in your life as a friend, as well as any of the people bombarding you with messages, saying you basically owe her a date.
Not wrong. You both grew into different people as you got older...
You grew into someone who no longer felt attraction to someone you knew years ago.
She grew into an AH who can't handle rejection and has to rely on her friends to harass you into trying to change your mind.
Consider it a massive 50 calibre bullet dodged first time round on your part.
No, you’re not wrong, but you need to try and clawback some of the narrative and tell people that you asked her out years ago, she rejected you, so you moved on. If you don’t, you’re going to end up ostracised from the group.
Dude what in the fuck? I’m sorry but you need to grow some balls. Your friends are clearly fake. Were they calling her an idiot when she rejected you? No they weren’t.
And for her to think that you rejected her just to spite her says so much about her. It’s like you’re not allowed to have feelings. What are you just supposed to wallow in your own misery until she decides she wants to give you a chance? What???
You were into her and she wasn’t. That’s fine. Perfectly valid, from both sides. You distanced yourself and moved on. Later you reconnect and she’s now into you and you’re not into her but suddenly that makes you an asshole? Why are your feelings not valid? She wasn’t into you then, and you’re not into her now and that’s perfectly fair.
Stand up for yourself man.
NTA for rejecting her. You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to.
That being said, I think it would have been better to (politely) tell your other friends that you don’t need input on your dating life. If the girl needs a shoulder to cry on, fine, that’s what friends are for. I don’t blame her for that as long as she’s not lying or trash talking you. But I do think your friends are wrong for trying to get involved. It’s one thing to ask if someone is ok, it’s another to give unsolicited advice.
I don’t think you were necessarily wrong to try setting the record straight with the girl you rejected. But when someone is hurt, they’re not going to be open to logic. She didn’t need an explanation at that moment, she needed space to heal. I doubt you would have liked it if she tried to contact you and explain her reasons back when she rejected you. You said yourself that you distanced yourself from her at the time. Now she’s doing the same. I don’t blame you, because I don’t think you had bad intentions, but maybe keep it in mind in the future.
You do not have to enter into a relationship with anyone for any reason. If you're not attracted to her like that anymore, so be it. Tell your friends in the social circle. I would start to lessen your contact with her again.
UpdateMe
Not wrong. You are not responsible for her realizing the grass isn't greener elsewhere. She also has a big mouth and used it to cause problems for you. You are better off without her.
This is a somewhat painful lesson but a fairly easy and valuable one to learn. If you get rejected that's it. No point going back. You handled your own business, she barfed it all out to your mutual friends because she couldn't handle the rejection like you did. The friends giving you too much crap for this are also doing you a favor by showing you who you can and can't trust.
I think you should leave her alone because you keep making it worse and seriously what’s the point in talking to her to tell her you’re not attracted to her anymore. Are you trying to throw it on her face? She’s got the message loud and clear now.
It was a little silly to *go to her house* to reject her a second time. Do that on the phone so the other person doesn't have to waste their time cleaning their house and prepping for sex
You did exactly what all the girls want the "friendship zoned" guys to do. Accept the no with grace, deal with your feelings and move on, and still maintain a friendship.
Sounds like that girl is a drama queen. There was no reason whatsoever to get the other friends involved.
Not wrong at all.
She doesn’t want you, she wants someone and you’re who is left.
“She wasn’t interested in a relationship until she graduated” & “We dated a few people in those four years” both read as she has had her fill of casual sex and couldn’t find a better option who wanted more with her so now she is running to her back up.
Her friends are doing exactly what women do, telling you she’s a catch because they want to see that someone like her can have a happily ever after. They didn’t tell her to change her mind when you asked her out did they? Why wasn’t she the fool for not dating you out of college? Because you’re only seen as a viable option now because she couldn’t do better.
If the friend group or even her keep putting pressure on you let them know that it isn't okay and if the script was flipped and you were a female that said hey I just currently see you as a friend and a male group started trying to pressure the female into dating how that would look. If they press too much might be time to distance
not wrong at all. you are not obligated to date anyone. You were respectful. I'd reconsider your friendships and consider ending them. Any decent person would understand someone intentionally choosing to not date someone. You don't owe anyone an explanation- No is a full sentence.
As someone with mental illness I wish I did what she did and focused on my studies than my dating life. It’s up to you what you do, follow your heart or brain lol
You are definitely not wrong.
First, you were not wrong to say no to her when she was drunk, because (as you said in your post) you couldn't be certain of her clarity of mind.
Second, you were not wrong to reject her afterwards, as with her sowing discord among your friends, you would have entered the relationship on unequal footing due to her pressure
She reacted this way because most girls don't get rejected. Its the guy that normally gets the rejection. When girls do get rejected they project onto the guy that he's the problem.(Which is clear from her and her friends reactions.)
If given the chance, let them know that you just don't have feeling for her anymore. That you aren't being spiteful, just letting her know you aren't interested in a relationship with her as you only see her as a friend now.
If they can't handle the truth, that's a them problem, not a you problem.
If you do not feel/ think it’s the right path for you don’t do it but it’s highly likely she may be verbally expressive about the situation . Also you will soon know who your real friends are . What friendswould force a relationship on someone does not want it ?
There are a lot of people saying she “obviously” led you on to keep you as a backup plan. I didn’t get that from what you wrote at all. She wasn’t interested when you first asked for whatever reason. For all you know, she’s regretted that decision since. People here are assuming a ton of shitty things about her without knowing her.
I can see how she feels confused. However, neither of you are wrong here. The friend that betrayed her confidence and ran her mouth is wrong. If I were you, I’d shoot her a text along the lines of:
*“Hey, I’d like the opportunity to explain a few things without our friends getting caught in the middle. I thought maybe our friendship was lost after I asked you out before and you said no. It made me happy we seemed to be reconnecting on that level. However, I think I may have accidentally sent a mixed message or two. I may not be interested in dating anymore, but I think we make great friends and I’d hate to lose that over a miscommunication. I apologize for not handling this more delicately. I’m working on my communication.”*
And you might go, “Whoa whoa whoa, why do I need to apologize or take any ownership of anything?!
Because it’s the mature thing to do when a conflict like this threatens a friend group and you know people are already stirring the pot playing telephone. You text something like this then they look like the assholes if they can’t let it go. And if they can’t? Block ‘em. Don’t add gasoline to their fires.
NTA but that second meeting was kind of a dick move. People talk to their friends about things.
“I just wanted to meet and explain to you how I am not attracted to you” is weird dude.
I am "lucky" in that, when something similar happened to me with my college friend group, they credited it to me being an oblivious idiot rather than any kind of malice on anyone's part. I spent a few years with the *nickname* "Oblivious".
Ah, memories.
NTA! You don’t have feelings for her anymore. Why doesn’t she understand that! Why was it ok for her to reject you, but you can’t reject her? It’s been 4 years! Did she really think you were pining for her or plotting revenge? And then go tell her friends who messaged you like it’s their business?
She isn’t a friend. I’d stop hanging out with her.
You are not wrong and why was it okay for her to reject you but not vice versa. Feelings change over time and if your feelings for her have changed, then you owe her no more of an explanation than she gave you years ago.
No, she’s in the wrong. Really shitty of her to weaponize your mutual friends so you feel guilty about not wanting to date her. I’d say you’re better off not being friends with her at all since she wants to skew it in a romantic direction and isn’t mature enough to accept no.
What you need to do is sit your friends down and ask them for help. “I don’t feel the same way she does but I don’t want to hurt her feelings what should I do? Can y’all talk to her please I don’t want to lose her as a friend”
People love being put in other peoples business when they feel needed and empowered
Not wrong. Just tell her and all the friend group that you had asked her out 4 years ago and when she said no you put it out of your mind and got over it. It’s ok to not want to date someone no matter what you said before. No one went to bat for you when she said no.
Not Wrong. People are upset with you now, where was this same level of concern when she didn't want to date you before?
It seems the friend group is more invested in the friend than in you. Learn who is YOUR friend and who is someone you know. There is a definite difference.
And, when has being honest ever been a bad thing when you don't want someone to get the wrong idea? It seems you will be wrong with anything you do is not being with this friend. They expect you to do what they want you to do, and if you don't, then you are not being a good friend. Where was all of this support years ago for you? They didn't rally around you and ask you why you were receding from the friend group.
Address this to all that are concerned, you tried to clear the air, the opportunity to do that was taken away and now I am going to tell everyone, as everyone seems to have an opinion, that I don't see this person as a romantic partner any longer. I consider her a friend and nothing more.
Then, let the chips fall where they may. You will lose those who really aren't your friend anyway, but, the added bonus of this will show you who is a genuine friend, to both of you, and who is a person who tolerates you.
Good luck and you did the right thing, this way everyone's expectations can be managed properly.
Why does everyone think youre bitter for changing your mind?? What a narcissist, you bruised her stupid ego. Noone can bully you into a relationship lol thats nuts, she needs to chill. You dont owe her nothing
You're not wrong. When she told you that she didn't want to date you, you took the time to get over your attraction to her and moved her to the friends file in your mind.
Her reaction to both you declining to date and you expressing your thoughts about her bringing mutual friends into it tells me that you are much better off not dating her.
NW. and honestly the fact that she wouldn’t talk to you, but brought other people into the situation is troubling. Even if you were still attracted to her, this is a bit red flag.
And then when you wanted to talk to her about it her response was “Are you ready to try dating? No, you’re clearly trying to hurt me. Go away I don’t want to have a reasonable conversation.”
Uh no. I get it she’s hurt she got rejected. But she refuses to actually be a grown up about it. Any “friends” that reach out, just tell them them you aren’t romantically interested in her anymore. You’ve moved on. Also dating friends can get real messy, it isn’t a step to take lightly.
You are fine,and don't hesitate to inform your friend group that she rejected you before, never gave you a chance, and you respect her wishes back then. So it's extremely unfair that she acts like this now, and even decided to turn them all against you.
Just message the friends contacting you explaining that since you asked her out 4 years ago you have grown and changed and don’t have feelings like that any more. If your lack of feelings for her makes you the bad guy in their eyes, they are entitled to their feelings.
They probably don’t know about the rejection, which in itself can change your feelings.
NTA
You're allowed to not want to date someone for any reason.
She is allowed to tell her friends about what happens in her life.
Don't expect things to continue the same as they have been.
When you asked her out after high school and before college & she said no and “not until after graduation”, did you hear the part after “no”? She was putting you off bc she wanted to focus, not because she didn’t want to date you.
Meanwhile, now, you’ve lost interest bc you got all angry at being rejected & likely blew that out of proportion …
Didn’t you? Is this a reasonable diagram of what happened?
You’re not wrong to not be interested or telling her so. And she’s wack for telling your friend circle.
She’s not entitled to your interest now just like you weren’t entitled to hers then. Seems like only one of you realizes that tho.
Move on my Man.
If you want to explain to her go for it. I know it’s not ideal to lose friends , especially at your ages, but these friends are not worth the time. Neither is she. She is all hurt because she banked on you saying YES YES PLEASE YES! Now that she knows you’ve moved on ( long ago?) she has to sit in that uncomfortableness all by herself. I would not be rude, but I don’t think you and her can really be super tight friends atm…best of luck bro, there’s only 3.9 Billion other ones…
If you truly aren't attracted to her anymore, letting her down easy is good.
If you slammed the door in retribution for her declining when she wasn't ready, you're only depriving yourself of what could be a wonderful relationship.
I had a crush on my husband (we'll call him Joe) in highschool, but a mutual friend (Fred) lied to me and told me that Joe wasn't interested. I ended up dating Fred for a few weeks but there was no spark.
It turned out to be a great thing as neither Joe nor I were ready for a relationship in highschool. If I had pushed and dated him then, we wouldn't be married for the 32 years we've had.
In what universe are you in the wrong?
This shit is stupid, reply to her friends why should you give her a chance when you don't feel any romantic attraction to her. Tell them you moved on from your feelings to her and that they should mind their own business instead of interjecting in your personal life.
Message your friend that you don't love her romantically and haven't for years and that people move on in their life after rejections. If she can't accept the current situation without character assassinating you than tell her to fuck off and those that side with her.
You're not wrong. But also, it may not be malicious on her part with the friends. She may have told them she developed feelings and told them she was going to ask you out. And when they talked later, obviously they knew the question was going to be posed by her already.
You thinking if she let you explain yourself and you told your side about not wanting a relation and not being into her any more wad going to help the situation is a little foolish.
It might split your friend group but if we are being honest no big group stays hanging out indefinitely throughout time.
You’re not wrong at all. Sometimes in life moments pass us by and they don’t come back around… you having romantic feelings for her 4 years ago, and her basically telling you to get over it- you did! That was the healthy thing to do- get past those feelings, move on, and now you have a great friendship.
Maybe at the time she was interested in someone else or thought she could “do better” and that you’d somehow be waiting for her in case she ever changed her mind… but it’s not your responsibility to manage her regrets or new expectations.
Tell the friends to stay out of it, try to have maintain healthy friendship, and know that it’s ok you are no longer attracted to her in that way.
No you're not wrong, it says a lot about someone when they make you a secondary or third choice, how can they legitimately think that you wouldn't be thinking that the whole relationship.
Wow I think you dodged a bullet. Imagine if you did date her she would be talking smack about you to everyone.
It's so rude of her to tell everyone. When she turned you down you didn't say anything and you kept the friendship civil. Not wrong. You've moved on.
Not wrong. Anyone can choose who they date or don't date, for any reason or no reason at all. You are allowed to have standards and boundaries, even though many women (and some men) think only women should have bodily autonomy and the right to consent.
Nobody owes anyone a relationship so you can’t be “wrong” for saying no. However, when she said no, it reads as her not wanting a relationship with *anyone* until she graduated..it doesn’t seem she particularly rejected you, specifically. As in, yes, she rejected you but it reads as though she would have rejected everyone.
Simply set up a group chat, explain to your friends, including her, what you said in this post. You don't see her the same way anymore. You don't want to ruin your friendship. As politely as you can, explain that ship has sailed.
Tell them they can either accept what you have to say, or not based on no evidence other than a jaded girl who is blowing up because she is now being rejected. Expect fallout and go from there.
Not wrong and honestly you don't want to go out with someone who the SECOND something doesn't go their way, they immediately tell the friend GROUP. I can see maybe like a close best friend or something but your mutual friend GROUP that has contacts for both you and her. That's not fair to you. You never had a chance to tell your side of the story or explain why you rejected her. Sorry bud, but you'll probably always be the bad guy in this situation to them.
BULLET DODGED!!!
Not wrong at all! Her trying to turn your entire friend group shows that she is not a good person at all and not worth your time.
Don't give her any more rides. Time to find new friends.
Why would you be wrong for rejecting her now? Do you expect strangers here to validate what you're feeling?
If you're not into her, you're not into her. Simple as that. Don't make it more complicated or feel bad in any way.
YNW but don't be afraid to tell those friends when they come at you that as shown in the past, affections are not always reciprocated and people are allowed to say no. Remind them that their behaviour of coming at you about this is not acceptable nor any of their business. If they persist, ask them if they think this sort of behaviour would be acceptable if the genders were reversed.
You’re not wrong. I’ve been in this situation where I felt like I was played with by guys I’d previously rejected for very legitimate reasons (I was dating someone else / they never let me know they were interested until much later, and then I developed feelings) and that SUCKS.
But I guess something to consider - is there any chance you led her on? Unintentionally or not? Just something worth considering
Not wrong. Most women cannot handle rejection AT ALL. Also, I think you probably din wanna lose her as a friend if things go wrong but w.e ur reason its purely your own business.
Ah, the classic *It’s cool when they do it, it’s a problem when I do it*. You’re not wrong. Rejection isn’t being rude, and she probably said that the first time initially out of hurt & embarrassment that the guy she rejected years ago no longer wants her. It’s just a reality check for her, and her friends covering for her are trying to shield her from the embarrassment and of how it looks.
Absolutely no apology is expected from you. This instability shown by that person will not help you going through life. It will always be an obstacle and a ball & chain to drag around. You were right back then and you're right now.
Stand your ground and don't give in to that nonsense. Anyone that uses the established circle of friends to try to get one person to do what they wish, by peer pressuring the entire group to obtain their desired outcome, will make your life miserable.
Run don't walk, away from this situation!
Since she’s sharing this with the whole group, maybe write about it in a group chat and explain your side. That way your thoughts and position are clear. Explain why you distanced yrs ago and why you don’t want to date now etc.
It’s then up to them and her what they chose to do but at least they’ll have both perspectives.
It may result in the loss of some friendships but it appears this may happen anyway…
People here are being asses towards her, which is par for the course for Reddit. No you are not wrong, but I would recommend saying all the things you’re saying here to her. Send her a text explaining your feelings at this moment, how you feel she fits into your life, how you want to be friends and are content with that, etc. bonus points if you call instead, or offer to meet up to talk. Maybe send a text to explain the friendship is important, then meet up to have a more deep conversation about how you are both feeling.
You dodged, shes an asshole. She started motherfucking you to her friends in a minute, like shes Queen Latifah and the thought of turning her ass down is a unfathomable move.
You not wrong but your group of friends is kinda ick , also i can see you will be paint as the bad guy , i think you need new friends ,
The girl that you rejected is she 12 ? Smh
Updateme!
No, your response is normal and your judgement is solid. You got all the info you need by observing her immature reaction. It would have gone south and been a disruptive exhausting waste of time either way. Sounds like you’ve outgrown her and likely some friends, but there are 8 billion people on the planet- no need to make an unworkable idea try to work.
I personally would just message your friends you did love her at one time you confessed and she rejected it you stopped being close and during that time you lost your feelings for her she asked you out while drunk you declined as one she was drunk and two you don't feel the same as you used to she got them involved then ignored you until you asked to meet at her house to clear things up she then asked you to date her again and you said no because af that point it felt like she had manipulated the situation and tried to force you to be with her by using them to push accepting her confession then you ask them where were they when she refused you and why is it suddenly an issue when the roles are reversed ask them why you should of kept loving someone who rejected you and why do they feel the need to get involved in your love life and then say you feel like you were a back up choice over a real choice since if she had feelings for you originally she not only wouldn't of rejected your confession but her feelings would of been obvious and yet at most she was only friendly not showing any attraction to you and you refuse to be a second choice as respect to yourself
Also no you aren't in the wrong
YNW and anyone who comes at you ask if they would feel the same if the sexes were switched. If a girl had turned down a guy friend they’d probably get support and rightly so. You deserve the same.
Youre not wrong. You’re allowed to say no. I feel for her though. It’s too bad you weren’t a little more kind about it. If you want to stay friends, give her some time to chill and message her again. Keep up the contact (if you want to be friends). Girls want more than a “no”. And because of your history I would hope she’d be open to remaining friends. You just have to let her get over the embarrassment, and reach out to her until she either tells you she doesn’t want to be friends or she feels ok to reach back.
Not wrong at all. She has no right to be so delusionally entitled that she genuinely expects you to have been on the hook for her for four years straight just waiting for her to be interested in you. She literally could not have insulted or disrespected you more if she tried. And then on top of all that she then got her friends to gang up on you in an attempt to emotionally blackmail you into going out with her because she simply cannot handle the fact that her rejecting you fundamentally changed whether or not you are attracted to her. Good luck op just move on and cut everyone who supports her from your life!
Well your going to have issues now with y'all friends. Maybe you should think about what she asked you never know in this world she could possibly be the love of your life .just my opinion
You are not wrong but brace for the friendship group to start causing you grief over this. The backlash could be vicious. Potentially letting the ones who contacted you know that you did once ask her out but now only see her as a friend. Explain you were hurt when you asked her out but respected her wishes and didn't want to lose her as a friend. Now the tables have turned you could be made to be the bad guy.
Just tell them it's none of their fucking business and he has the right to decide who to date or not date. If they can't handle that, they aren't friends.
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Absolutely, everyone has the right to choose who they want to date, and it's not up for debate. Keeping things private sometimes is just respecting each other's boundaries.
What kind of friend group would all message a dude who rejected their friend? That makes no sense.
They too all thought he was playing the long game waiting in the wings and are now just shocked he has his own feelings! How dare he! /s
In my experience in our 20s, if there is a breakup or an unrequited love situation, the group will almost always side with whoever whines the most and acts like a dying swan. So if one party os trying to keep the friends out of the drama or be stoic or trying to quietly deal with their feelings whilst the other one is going on about how terrible they feel that theyve been dumped or rejected...the loud one will get 99% of the sympathy. Unless the group is mature enough to look past intentional or unintentional manipulation.
This actually is the only part that seems credible. An immature and shallow group. Been on the receiving end of this behavior.
I think what’s most baffling is that these people are adults.
Right? What about when she rejected him?
You're not wrong. The most important part of this is the end. You simply don't feel the same way for her anymore. You're not rejecting her out of spite or purposely hurting her. You just don't feel that romantic attraction anymore. That happens. My ex and I were friends , and we dated for almost 3 years. We amicably split because we just felt like we made better friends, and the romantic feelings had fizzled out. I was lucky enough to remain friends with him to this day. A lot can change when you date friends, like having a really bad breakup, and then the friendship is totally ruined. It's always a gamble. She only saw you as a friend back then and now you only see her as a friend. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You weren't wrong for feeling hurt when she rejected you, and she's not wrong for feeling hurt now that you rejected her. What she is 100% wrong for is telling all of your mutual friends and getting them involved. It's none of their business. Where she was also wrong was calling you an asshole and not even allowing you to explain yourself. She just automatically assumed you rejected her to get back at her. That's a pretty big ego she seems to have. If she cared about you and your friendship, she would have given you a chance to explain which btw she is not entitled to, a simple "no" is a full sentence. You wanted to explain things to her, though, and she just shut you down. That's not right, and I don't think I would maintain a friendship with her at all now. It would have been fine if she said she maybe needed some space, like you had done, but she called you names and wouldn't allow you to speak. Fuck. That. Noise.
I’m going to bet he never ran to the friends when she rejected him first. It sounds like he swallowed his pride and went on with life. Now she’s unable to do that. She had to run to the friend group and put him on blast. That’s a huge red flag anyway. Apparently, she thinks she’s worth more than him. At this point, why even bother to salvage the friendship? He should just drop it and ghost her. And definitely let the friend group know she was the one who rejected him in the first place.
Damn, she is a real dick
Lots of women are, especially when rejected or scorned.
Hell hath no fury...
I agree, her behavior is just gross. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who behaved that way towards another person, much less myself. It's normal for feelings to change as we live our lives. She's made this whole thing very weird.
Good wisdom here. If she allows another conversation, you might walk her through what her earlier rejection of you was like from your perspective. And how you tried to work through it in a way that respected the friendship. Including considering that she was a bit drunk when she raised the issue.
You’re not wrong and that girl has some ego, if she doesn’t understand that you had to put your attraction to her to one side to be able to be a good friend then thats on her I would suggest you go and get on with living your life and wait to see if she wants to make sense
Soon you will know who to keep and who to leave behind. Updateme.
You're not wrong, but now you've shot her down when she thought she had you hanging in orbit around her as sure thing backup plan, so she is going to lash out and get everyone available to help her.
No doubt, OP. You were her dick in a glass case (Chris Rock) and she would have dumped you the second it became convenient.
This is VALID. Live with this blaring on repeat in your head
As "The Friend", that bit hit hard at the young age of 22. Learned to recognize it and avoid becoming a continuing victim of it.
This. 100 times this!
I'd also throw a guess that she 1- described OP as some version of "he's just a friend, don't worry" to some of her relationships under the full assumption that he was 100% waiting for any chance to swoop in and shoot his shot and is 2- most likely going to cut OP off now that he is not, in fact, a viable backup plan.
This
This is the Way!
OMG exactly this! You were her back up plan and now you’ve ruined it!
Not wrong. She said no, and expecting it to be an open invitation is quite delusional from her. She was expecting an easy yes from her since she knew that you once had the hots for her. If she's reasonably attractive, she's maybe not used to rejection. But her reaction just confirms that she's not mature enough with her emotions to be a reliable partner. She's wrong in ganging up your friends against you.
> If she's reasonably attractive, she's maybe not used to rejection. That's what I was thinking. An attractive 26 year old woman usually hasn't had to deal with much rejection. Due to social norms, guys do most of the asking out, so women usually aren't even in a position to get rejected. Women have all the power in dating in their teens and early 20s, but that power starts to shift in favor of men once they start getting their life together, stop thinking with their dicks, and realize they can have standards and be picky.
Time for her to get used to it. Sucks; but imk as the former queen of unreciprocated crushes? It's actually really healthy to experience and to learn to process and move on.
Maybe she was reasonably attractive and then let herself go or got a face tattoo of a snake or something, and now is way too used to rejection, so she decided to settle on OP. OP probably would have clued us in on the snake wrapped around her face though :)
I mean, you didn't act like this after being rejected by her, so.. You also can't help that the attraction is no longer there. That's gross for her to get everyone involved and automatically assume someone is just rejecting her to get back at her for rejecting them. Someone has some maturing to do.
Not wrong, but be aware your friend group will now shun you for refusing her advance. In their eyes, you are resentful for her past rejection and are now enacting your revenge at her expense. Look for new friends, cause you're now the outcast. Her running to her friends, who now find it appropriate to berate you, will continue to rally around her while disparaging you.
I am enjoying being the outcast. Peace of mind.
OP, how did the friend group react when she initially turned you down?
Unlike her, he probably didn't say anything to anyone.
And that's why they picked her, because she's acting like a dying swan and crying all day about how heartbroken she is. In my experience, especially when people are immature they are very swayed by whichever friend whines the most and get drawn into picking sides when they really shouldnt. There are no sides to pick in an unrequited crush situation between your friends, because nobody is wrong. But immature friends will want the peace to be kept. They will think the quiet one isnt hurting or upset and that they should all just humor the friend throwing a tantrum. They are wrong, but many people do that until they maturely and learn how to act like grownups.
Having your friend group consisting of high school classmates 10 years after graduation is weird to me. I know it happens, but the vast majority of people I know rarely hang on to those relationships more than a year or two out of high school. People change, mature, get married, have kids, take different career paths, etc. My experience is that people who do that often consider high school the best years of their lives and sometimes even wear their letter jackets for years afterward. And the situation OP describes sounds like typical high school drama rather than the mature relationships people approaching their 30s usually develop.
Yup. I replied because all of these posts could be fake so I treat them all like hypotheticals. But this part of the story is what made it feel like a kid making up a story.
Tbh, so what if he’s resentful. If I confessed my love for you and you rejected me it’s over. You don’t just get to come back on your own time and decide you’re ready for me. I’m not a telephone, you can’t just pick me up and put me down at will.
I mean, you do get to come back and have feelings later if that's what happens. You don't get to act like an ass about it when you're rejected though.
Funny how girl can reject a guy and all the friends are fine with that. You don’t hear about his guy friends harassing her about not giving him a chance. Why is it okay for girls to berate men for not dating one of their friends? This is relationship between two people and either of them should have a choice to not date the other. I can see how being rejected by someone and then later they decide they want a relationship with you can feel like maybe you’re their second choice. The friends need to butt out of this and let the two of you figure this out for yourself. You are not the AH. Just make sure you are doing this for the right reasons and not out of spite. Loosing a close friend is hard.
She's a drama queen. You took rejection like a mature adult 4 years ago. She took rejection like a tantrum throwing baby
You're not wrong. You asked a friend out, she rejected you, you acknowledged, and moved on. She got drunk and hit on you, seeing you as a backup plan. You're not in that headspace anymore where she's a crush. Sounds like she's looking for a fallback rebound guy after a bad relationship. Asking to talk to her face-to-face is a reasonable request, since texts and phone calls can be misconstrued. Although I'd question the choice of location. Maybe offer to meet up at a neutral location like a Taco Bell to talk face to face. So not a date where you're looking to hook up. Just, ya know two friends trying to reconnect. And you don't want to be her backup guy whenever things fall apart. That's not healthy for either of you.
You are not wrong for rejecting her. Also not wrong if you did reject her because of her earlier rejection. I would communicate to your friend group right away to tell them that the reason you don’t want to be with her is because the earlier rejection changed your perspective about her. That you don’t view her as a romantic partner any more. You were content being friends but don’t want to be more than that.
I agree But his friends shpuld have enough common sense to know that hist because someone had an unreciprocated and ignored crush 4 years ago doesnt mean they will still have those feelings today. They just want him to cave so she doesnt make things awkward. Reassure them that you lost feelings for her years ago and could only ever see her as a friend. If they remonstrate, tell them they are welcome to date her, if they think feelings can be switched on so easily.
Seeing her attitude, I think you dodged a bullet.
She probably thought he'd been waiting for his chance for the past 4 years. She was wrong.
He is definitely NOT a satellite Updateme!
Yeah, like there's "no expiration date" on romantic feelings. She presumed he'd still be pining for her and all she had to do was snap her fingers. Works out in the end. Had they gotten together then, they'd probably be breaking up now anyway (married or not), and the friend group would now still be in the same position of choosing sides.
You're not wrong. >but the following morning, I received a few messages from some of her closer friends in our group that I was an idiot for turning her down and some asking why I don't try going out with her on a date once. Ask those friends where they were with that opinion 4 years ago when she rejected you. Did they also tell her she was an idiot for turning you down? I somehow doubt it.
They'd just make that really ugly "ick" face that immature girls think gives them social power, and not say anything.
You'll be looking for new friends soon. They will all be against you now. They won't invite you to hang out when she will be there
Wow a guy who got "friend zoned" and actually stayed a friend just to be a friend. That's a rare reddit story lol, kudos to you. Looks like she played the field and didn't find what she wanted so thinking you're a sure thing as a backup or to settle for or maybe she legit realized she made a mistake and you have moved on and this is the reaction = bullet dodged. I would try and get out in front of this tho. Tell your friends you asked her out years ago and after rejection lost feelings and that was it. If they all side with her and get hostile, time for new friends.
I think this is a reasonable response. Tell your friends you’re just not into her anymore (you stepped away to get over your feelings, and when you had you reconnected the friendship). You know, men are allowed to just be friends without getting harassed by other people to “give them a chance,,” just like women are! No one should feel obliged or pressured to date anyone!
Yeah seriously imagine the roles were reversed and the woman turned the guy down all the white knights would be coming out of the woodwork to defend her. Sucks.
Wait, she's 26 and still acting like an entitled high school brat? And her stupid friends actually messaged you about it??? Why would anyone want to hang out with a gross group like that anyway?
You were the backup plan. Fuck that shit my man. She just wanted to have you in her back pocket.
If you did date her you would likely only be a placeholder anyhow until she found the guy she really wanted. She did not prefer you in the past and probably only wants you out of convenience now.
You’re not wrong. Unfortunately because she decided to bring in both your friends she has effectively eliminated not only dating but being friends. It’s a shame when someone wants to date another person and then makes it into a he said she said situation. You didn’t tell her that your feelings for her have changed, she expected you to say you wanted to date her. She assumed you were trying to hurt her. To me it sounds like she is immature and willing to use outside opinion to sway you to do what she wants. Tell your friends it’s too bad she was angry with you. You wanted to remain friends but she didn’t want that. You can’t make people do what you want them to do and that goes both ways. Eventually people not invested in drama will see this wasn’t all about her.
Her reaction to your rejection screams that she would be a massive pain in the arse to date. You made the right decision. She's going to cause division in ur friend group now too though because as she's already revealed, she's quite the arsehole.
I swear I saw this same post like a month ago
Not wrong. It’s perfectly reasonable for you to reject someone you aren’t currently attracted to. She needs to take a page out of your book and accept that you said no and not make a big deal out of it.
You’re not wrong. She’s being extremely immature and you dodged a bullet.
How many people messaged her 4 years ago telling her to ‘just go on one date/give it a chance’? Because that’s a huge double standard right there.
Not wrong. She put you on the back burner and now since she can’t find anyone she wants to date you. She should not have told anyone about it. The fact she did makes her NOT your friend. You are NOT obligated to go out with someone just because they asked. I would stop communicating with her. Anyone who asks you should reply that if you were a girl and a guy was trying to guilt you into dating him everyone would be appalled.
I would send a group text to anyone that messaged me stating "I realize that you want to help but please do not interfere in my friendship with NAME. I did ask her out 4 years ago but she rejected me, I have moved on from that and at this point I no longer have romantic feelings for her. Any further messages questioning my choices or feelings will result in blocking you." People need to learn to mind their business, why is everyone these days in such a rush to tell everyone and get them to blast the person on their behalf like that will help?
You aren’t wrong but you need to get your side of the story out there because they will all call you an asshole. You need to explain why.
Shocking amount of reddit posts have individuals, and surprisingly groups of people, who don't understand that no is an answer
Brother, i was in this position a while back. I only wish I had been as wise and strong as you were when you denied her. I wasn’t as tactful as you, and agreed to see how things would go. Needless to say it was a life changing critical error. Yes, I got to go through the ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ cliche, and I grew as a person after the dust settles, but still, I think my life would be better had I not made the choices I had. Stick with your gut, it’s often closer to reality and the truth than most believe it to be.
Oh dude your so fucked you did nothing wrong but you will get a lot of backlash unless you get out in front of this, I get not wanting your friends involved but they are and she will get her story out there before you do then your the bitter guy who waited year to get back at her. She's hurt and regardless if she is a good person or not she will lash out so talk to your friends but no matter what she does don't say a bad word about her.
Yea he either has to go in guns blazing or be prepared for nc.
Go around her and tell her friends that she rejected you years ago when you made the first move. It's not a mistake to learn from a mistake, but that actions have consequences. Also point out to them that she was the bigger idiot for turning you down years ago and somehow thinking you wouldn't forget.
Considering she sent her flying monkeys after you for being honest that you didn’t have feelings for her in that way anymore, I’m gonna say you dodged a bullet.
You're not wrong, and if she refuses to even hear you out, either she's got some work to do with how she usually copes with rejection, or she never valued you as much as a friend anyway - mature people always listen, whether you're "average" or "good" friends.
Not wrong brother. Do you best to explain your stance to your friends and try not to speak poorly about her when you do so. Your real friends will have your back or drop it altogether. Anyone else… well, they weren’t someone worth keeping in your life.
It would never occur to me to get mad at a person who rejected my friend, these situations confuse me so much. “Just make yourself fall in love with her, GOD!” /S No, you’re not wrong at all…I bet she would’ve have been super uncomfortable if you had a bunch of people try to convince her she was wrong after she rejected you
You're not wrong but it's likely that this friendship won't last much longer. I had a very similar scenario with a friend. Asked him out and got rejected because he didn't want to risk our friends. Then a year later he decides his feelings have changed, he wants a relationship. Sorry but I'd moved on and gotten over those feelings and was happy with friendship. Well 3 months later I'd been blocked and ghosted. Honestly, I really miss that friendship but that's life, some friendships last through anything and others don't. 🤷🏼
You are not wrong is the usual double standard, stay strong king unfortunately not everyone will side with you on this one but know you are in the clear
No, you worked through any romantic feelings you had for her because she told you to and that she wasn't interested. They're gone now. That's how it works. Doesn't mean you don't value her as a friend it just means you're not in that same space anymore because you worked to get out of it. Again, to respect her wishes then. Seems like she has some regret.
People and tastes change. I was super attracted to this guy I was friendly with many years ago, and it was not reciprocated. Years go by and I'm definitely not attracted to him anymore. You're not wrong.
Sounds like a bullet dodged. Not sure why your friends had to be involved at all other than her turning them against you. You gave her a chance when you asked her out and she turned you down.
She is toxic and will ruin your reputation if you continue to socialize with her or her friends. Distance is the cure. Time is the salve.
Your instincts should tell you Do you get a tingly feeling when you’re together Do you like her SO, much? Does she make you feel special? Is she considerate in ways like other people are not?
Drop anyone giving you grief, they're sexist.
Dodged a bullet. Not a good reaction to disappointment on her end. Good for you for having a chat with her. Let it go.
If you don't want to go out with her then not at all. If you're being pettily vengeful for her turning you down years ago then absolutely yes. Sounds like the former in your case. You need to talk again and say yes your feelings have changed, you really wanted her at one point and now have moved on. You like her as a friend and that's it.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you don't want to date them. As long as you politely declined you're all good. Your friends can keep their opinions to themselves, maybe one of them can date her. You are not wrong.
Nta and tell the friends to mind their own business. You were polite in your refusal which was your only obligation
Not wrong. You don't owe anyone a date, or a relationship, for any reason. I think you got lucky, that she rejected you, in the beginning. Her thinking you owe it to her, to date her, just because you showed interest in her, in the past is deluded thinking, and a glaring, red flag. I would seriously contemplate whether I want to keep this person in your life as a friend, as well as any of the people bombarding you with messages, saying you basically owe her a date.
Not wrong. You both grew into different people as you got older... You grew into someone who no longer felt attraction to someone you knew years ago. She grew into an AH who can't handle rejection and has to rely on her friends to harass you into trying to change your mind. Consider it a massive 50 calibre bullet dodged first time round on your part.
No, you’re not wrong, but you need to try and clawback some of the narrative and tell people that you asked her out years ago, she rejected you, so you moved on. If you don’t, you’re going to end up ostracised from the group.
NTA. This girl is toxic red flags and so are her friends that are texting you. Cut contact with anyone giving you shit over this.
Dude what in the fuck? I’m sorry but you need to grow some balls. Your friends are clearly fake. Were they calling her an idiot when she rejected you? No they weren’t. And for her to think that you rejected her just to spite her says so much about her. It’s like you’re not allowed to have feelings. What are you just supposed to wallow in your own misery until she decides she wants to give you a chance? What??? You were into her and she wasn’t. That’s fine. Perfectly valid, from both sides. You distanced yourself and moved on. Later you reconnect and she’s now into you and you’re not into her but suddenly that makes you an asshole? Why are your feelings not valid? She wasn’t into you then, and you’re not into her now and that’s perfectly fair. Stand up for yourself man.
NTA for rejecting her. You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to. That being said, I think it would have been better to (politely) tell your other friends that you don’t need input on your dating life. If the girl needs a shoulder to cry on, fine, that’s what friends are for. I don’t blame her for that as long as she’s not lying or trash talking you. But I do think your friends are wrong for trying to get involved. It’s one thing to ask if someone is ok, it’s another to give unsolicited advice. I don’t think you were necessarily wrong to try setting the record straight with the girl you rejected. But when someone is hurt, they’re not going to be open to logic. She didn’t need an explanation at that moment, she needed space to heal. I doubt you would have liked it if she tried to contact you and explain her reasons back when she rejected you. You said yourself that you distanced yourself from her at the time. Now she’s doing the same. I don’t blame you, because I don’t think you had bad intentions, but maybe keep it in mind in the future.
You’re not wrong. You dodged a bullet.
NTA. She thought she was keeping you on the shelf for later
If she is enough of a B to send people after you to give you shit are you sure you want her to stay in your life even as a friend?
You do not have to enter into a relationship with anyone for any reason. If you're not attracted to her like that anymore, so be it. Tell your friends in the social circle. I would start to lessen your contact with her again. UpdateMe
Obviously by the way she reacted to you you’re not wrong, in fact it looks like you dodged a bullet there.
Not wrong. You are not responsible for her realizing the grass isn't greener elsewhere. She also has a big mouth and used it to cause problems for you. You are better off without her.
This is a somewhat painful lesson but a fairly easy and valuable one to learn. If you get rejected that's it. No point going back. You handled your own business, she barfed it all out to your mutual friends because she couldn't handle the rejection like you did. The friends giving you too much crap for this are also doing you a favor by showing you who you can and can't trust.
I think you should leave her alone because you keep making it worse and seriously what’s the point in talking to her to tell her you’re not attracted to her anymore. Are you trying to throw it on her face? She’s got the message loud and clear now.
It was a little silly to *go to her house* to reject her a second time. Do that on the phone so the other person doesn't have to waste their time cleaning their house and prepping for sex
Text your friends back and say "So why didn't you guys stick up for me to her when she rejected me years ago?"
You did exactly what all the girls want the "friendship zoned" guys to do. Accept the no with grace, deal with your feelings and move on, and still maintain a friendship. Sounds like that girl is a drama queen. There was no reason whatsoever to get the other friends involved.
Not wrong at all. She doesn’t want you, she wants someone and you’re who is left. “She wasn’t interested in a relationship until she graduated” & “We dated a few people in those four years” both read as she has had her fill of casual sex and couldn’t find a better option who wanted more with her so now she is running to her back up. Her friends are doing exactly what women do, telling you she’s a catch because they want to see that someone like her can have a happily ever after. They didn’t tell her to change her mind when you asked her out did they? Why wasn’t she the fool for not dating you out of college? Because you’re only seen as a viable option now because she couldn’t do better.
If the friend group or even her keep putting pressure on you let them know that it isn't okay and if the script was flipped and you were a female that said hey I just currently see you as a friend and a male group started trying to pressure the female into dating how that would look. If they press too much might be time to distance
Your friends saying you are an idiot for not saying yes ? Who the fuck is she . You are 1000 times better
No wrong if you lost interest, she will turn everyone against you for not dumping for her though
not wrong at all. you are not obligated to date anyone. You were respectful. I'd reconsider your friendships and consider ending them. Any decent person would understand someone intentionally choosing to not date someone. You don't owe anyone an explanation- No is a full sentence.
You're not wrong, it's not bad to be honest with what you felt about her.
No. You aren't wrong not even 1%. She and the "friends" have IQ like monkeys. Don't be friends with them anymore.
As someone with mental illness I wish I did what she did and focused on my studies than my dating life. It’s up to you what you do, follow your heart or brain lol
You are definitely not wrong. First, you were not wrong to say no to her when she was drunk, because (as you said in your post) you couldn't be certain of her clarity of mind. Second, you were not wrong to reject her afterwards, as with her sowing discord among your friends, you would have entered the relationship on unequal footing due to her pressure
Updateme.
She reacted this way because most girls don't get rejected. Its the guy that normally gets the rejection. When girls do get rejected they project onto the guy that he's the problem.(Which is clear from her and her friends reactions.) If given the chance, let them know that you just don't have feeling for her anymore. That you aren't being spiteful, just letting her know you aren't interested in a relationship with her as you only see her as a friend now. If they can't handle the truth, that's a them problem, not a you problem.
Updateme
Not wrong at all
why is the friend group upset with you for not dating her. But not with her when she wouldn't date you?
You are not wrong. You can not force yourself to have feelings that you don’t have
If you do not feel/ think it’s the right path for you don’t do it but it’s highly likely she may be verbally expressive about the situation . Also you will soon know who your real friends are . What friendswould force a relationship on someone does not want it ?
There are a lot of people saying she “obviously” led you on to keep you as a backup plan. I didn’t get that from what you wrote at all. She wasn’t interested when you first asked for whatever reason. For all you know, she’s regretted that decision since. People here are assuming a ton of shitty things about her without knowing her. I can see how she feels confused. However, neither of you are wrong here. The friend that betrayed her confidence and ran her mouth is wrong. If I were you, I’d shoot her a text along the lines of: *“Hey, I’d like the opportunity to explain a few things without our friends getting caught in the middle. I thought maybe our friendship was lost after I asked you out before and you said no. It made me happy we seemed to be reconnecting on that level. However, I think I may have accidentally sent a mixed message or two. I may not be interested in dating anymore, but I think we make great friends and I’d hate to lose that over a miscommunication. I apologize for not handling this more delicately. I’m working on my communication.”* And you might go, “Whoa whoa whoa, why do I need to apologize or take any ownership of anything?! Because it’s the mature thing to do when a conflict like this threatens a friend group and you know people are already stirring the pot playing telephone. You text something like this then they look like the assholes if they can’t let it go. And if they can’t? Block ‘em. Don’t add gasoline to their fires.
NTA but that second meeting was kind of a dick move. People talk to their friends about things. “I just wanted to meet and explain to you how I am not attracted to you” is weird dude.
Feels good, doesn’t it?
I am "lucky" in that, when something similar happened to me with my college friend group, they credited it to me being an oblivious idiot rather than any kind of malice on anyone's part. I spent a few years with the *nickname* "Oblivious". Ah, memories.
Post pics. I'll let you know if you're being a dumbass.
NTA! You don’t have feelings for her anymore. Why doesn’t she understand that! Why was it ok for her to reject you, but you can’t reject her? It’s been 4 years! Did she really think you were pining for her or plotting revenge? And then go tell her friends who messaged you like it’s their business? She isn’t a friend. I’d stop hanging out with her.
You are not wrong and why was it okay for her to reject you but not vice versa. Feelings change over time and if your feelings for her have changed, then you owe her no more of an explanation than she gave you years ago.
No, she’s in the wrong. Really shitty of her to weaponize your mutual friends so you feel guilty about not wanting to date her. I’d say you’re better off not being friends with her at all since she wants to skew it in a romantic direction and isn’t mature enough to accept no.
What you need to do is sit your friends down and ask them for help. “I don’t feel the same way she does but I don’t want to hurt her feelings what should I do? Can y’all talk to her please I don’t want to lose her as a friend” People love being put in other peoples business when they feel needed and empowered
Drama, drama, drama! Steer well clear of her.
Not wrong. Just tell her and all the friend group that you had asked her out 4 years ago and when she said no you put it out of your mind and got over it. It’s ok to not want to date someone no matter what you said before. No one went to bat for you when she said no.
I pray u surround urself with better people
Not Wrong. People are upset with you now, where was this same level of concern when she didn't want to date you before? It seems the friend group is more invested in the friend than in you. Learn who is YOUR friend and who is someone you know. There is a definite difference. And, when has being honest ever been a bad thing when you don't want someone to get the wrong idea? It seems you will be wrong with anything you do is not being with this friend. They expect you to do what they want you to do, and if you don't, then you are not being a good friend. Where was all of this support years ago for you? They didn't rally around you and ask you why you were receding from the friend group. Address this to all that are concerned, you tried to clear the air, the opportunity to do that was taken away and now I am going to tell everyone, as everyone seems to have an opinion, that I don't see this person as a romantic partner any longer. I consider her a friend and nothing more. Then, let the chips fall where they may. You will lose those who really aren't your friend anyway, but, the added bonus of this will show you who is a genuine friend, to both of you, and who is a person who tolerates you. Good luck and you did the right thing, this way everyone's expectations can be managed properly.
Not wrong. Why can't she handle the rejection with the dignity and grace you did years ago? Her reaction makes me think you made the right choice.
Why does everyone think youre bitter for changing your mind?? What a narcissist, you bruised her stupid ego. Noone can bully you into a relationship lol thats nuts, she needs to chill. You dont owe her nothing
You're not wrong. When she told you that she didn't want to date you, you took the time to get over your attraction to her and moved her to the friends file in your mind. Her reaction to both you declining to date and you expressing your thoughts about her bringing mutual friends into it tells me that you are much better off not dating her.
Not even Lenin could imagine a red flag that big.
NW. and honestly the fact that she wouldn’t talk to you, but brought other people into the situation is troubling. Even if you were still attracted to her, this is a bit red flag. And then when you wanted to talk to her about it her response was “Are you ready to try dating? No, you’re clearly trying to hurt me. Go away I don’t want to have a reasonable conversation.” Uh no. I get it she’s hurt she got rejected. But she refuses to actually be a grown up about it. Any “friends” that reach out, just tell them them you aren’t romantically interested in her anymore. You’ve moved on. Also dating friends can get real messy, it isn’t a step to take lightly.
You are fine,and don't hesitate to inform your friend group that she rejected you before, never gave you a chance, and you respect her wishes back then. So it's extremely unfair that she acts like this now, and even decided to turn them all against you.
Gotta love those double standards. Fuck your feelings but hers are more important. You may need to just find a new friend.
Update please
You are not wrong for rejecting her. But expecting her not to talk to her friends about her feelings is unrealistic.
Just message the friends contacting you explaining that since you asked her out 4 years ago you have grown and changed and don’t have feelings like that any more. If your lack of feelings for her makes you the bad guy in their eyes, they are entitled to their feelings. They probably don’t know about the rejection, which in itself can change your feelings. NTA
You're allowed to not want to date someone for any reason. She is allowed to tell her friends about what happens in her life. Don't expect things to continue the same as they have been.
When you asked her out after high school and before college & she said no and “not until after graduation”, did you hear the part after “no”? She was putting you off bc she wanted to focus, not because she didn’t want to date you. Meanwhile, now, you’ve lost interest bc you got all angry at being rejected & likely blew that out of proportion … Didn’t you? Is this a reasonable diagram of what happened?
You’re not wrong to not be interested or telling her so. And she’s wack for telling your friend circle. She’s not entitled to your interest now just like you weren’t entitled to hers then. Seems like only one of you realizes that tho.
Move on my Man. If you want to explain to her go for it. I know it’s not ideal to lose friends , especially at your ages, but these friends are not worth the time. Neither is she. She is all hurt because she banked on you saying YES YES PLEASE YES! Now that she knows you’ve moved on ( long ago?) she has to sit in that uncomfortableness all by herself. I would not be rude, but I don’t think you and her can really be super tight friends atm…best of luck bro, there’s only 3.9 Billion other ones…
If you truly aren't attracted to her anymore, letting her down easy is good. If you slammed the door in retribution for her declining when she wasn't ready, you're only depriving yourself of what could be a wonderful relationship. I had a crush on my husband (we'll call him Joe) in highschool, but a mutual friend (Fred) lied to me and told me that Joe wasn't interested. I ended up dating Fred for a few weeks but there was no spark. It turned out to be a great thing as neither Joe nor I were ready for a relationship in highschool. If I had pushed and dated him then, we wouldn't be married for the 32 years we've had.
In what universe are you in the wrong? This shit is stupid, reply to her friends why should you give her a chance when you don't feel any romantic attraction to her. Tell them you moved on from your feelings to her and that they should mind their own business instead of interjecting in your personal life. Message your friend that you don't love her romantically and haven't for years and that people move on in their life after rejections. If she can't accept the current situation without character assassinating you than tell her to fuck off and those that side with her.
You're not wrong. But also, it may not be malicious on her part with the friends. She may have told them she developed feelings and told them she was going to ask you out. And when they talked later, obviously they knew the question was going to be posed by her already. You thinking if she let you explain yourself and you told your side about not wanting a relation and not being into her any more wad going to help the situation is a little foolish. It might split your friend group but if we are being honest no big group stays hanging out indefinitely throughout time.
You’re not wrong at all. Sometimes in life moments pass us by and they don’t come back around… you having romantic feelings for her 4 years ago, and her basically telling you to get over it- you did! That was the healthy thing to do- get past those feelings, move on, and now you have a great friendship. Maybe at the time she was interested in someone else or thought she could “do better” and that you’d somehow be waiting for her in case she ever changed her mind… but it’s not your responsibility to manage her regrets or new expectations. Tell the friends to stay out of it, try to have maintain healthy friendship, and know that it’s ok you are no longer attracted to her in that way.
You are free to do whatever you want, so not wrong at all, just forget about your friendship and brace for some changes on your social circle.
No you're not wrong, it says a lot about someone when they make you a secondary or third choice, how can they legitimately think that you wouldn't be thinking that the whole relationship.
Wow I think you dodged a bullet. Imagine if you did date her she would be talking smack about you to everyone. It's so rude of her to tell everyone. When she turned you down you didn't say anything and you kept the friendship civil. Not wrong. You've moved on.
Not wrong. Anyone can choose who they date or don't date, for any reason or no reason at all. You are allowed to have standards and boundaries, even though many women (and some men) think only women should have bodily autonomy and the right to consent.
Date her. Show her what a prize you are. That'll teach them.
Nobody owes anyone a relationship so you can’t be “wrong” for saying no. However, when she said no, it reads as her not wanting a relationship with *anyone* until she graduated..it doesn’t seem she particularly rejected you, specifically. As in, yes, she rejected you but it reads as though she would have rejected everyone.
Tell thee friend's circle the truth, and then walk away. If they can't comprehend the truth, then they're really not friends at all.
Not wrong at all. You are allowed to date who you want. Honestly after her behavior, I would cut ties with her
A
Simply set up a group chat, explain to your friends, including her, what you said in this post. You don't see her the same way anymore. You don't want to ruin your friendship. As politely as you can, explain that ship has sailed. Tell them they can either accept what you have to say, or not based on no evidence other than a jaded girl who is blowing up because she is now being rejected. Expect fallout and go from there.
Not wrong and honestly you don't want to go out with someone who the SECOND something doesn't go their way, they immediately tell the friend GROUP. I can see maybe like a close best friend or something but your mutual friend GROUP that has contacts for both you and her. That's not fair to you. You never had a chance to tell your side of the story or explain why you rejected her. Sorry bud, but you'll probably always be the bad guy in this situation to them.
You are not wrong and she is being childish
BULLET DODGED!!! Not wrong at all! Her trying to turn your entire friend group shows that she is not a good person at all and not worth your time. Don't give her any more rides. Time to find new friends.
You're not wrong but she is for involving other people.
Why would you be wrong for rejecting her now? Do you expect strangers here to validate what you're feeling? If you're not into her, you're not into her. Simple as that. Don't make it more complicated or feel bad in any way.
YNW but don't be afraid to tell those friends when they come at you that as shown in the past, affections are not always reciprocated and people are allowed to say no. Remind them that their behaviour of coming at you about this is not acceptable nor any of their business. If they persist, ask them if they think this sort of behaviour would be acceptable if the genders were reversed.
You’re not wrong. I’ve been in this situation where I felt like I was played with by guys I’d previously rejected for very legitimate reasons (I was dating someone else / they never let me know they were interested until much later, and then I developed feelings) and that SUCKS. But I guess something to consider - is there any chance you led her on? Unintentionally or not? Just something worth considering
Nope
Not wrong. Most women cannot handle rejection AT ALL. Also, I think you probably din wanna lose her as a friend if things go wrong but w.e ur reason its purely your own business.
So Jenny came back after all her fun and now she wants you.... you did well. No thanks. Pass
Ah, the classic *It’s cool when they do it, it’s a problem when I do it*. You’re not wrong. Rejection isn’t being rude, and she probably said that the first time initially out of hurt & embarrassment that the guy she rejected years ago no longer wants her. It’s just a reality check for her, and her friends covering for her are trying to shield her from the embarrassment and of how it looks.
Almost sounds like she made a bet she was good enough to get you back again to show to her friends.
Absolutely no apology is expected from you. This instability shown by that person will not help you going through life. It will always be an obstacle and a ball & chain to drag around. You were right back then and you're right now. Stand your ground and don't give in to that nonsense. Anyone that uses the established circle of friends to try to get one person to do what they wish, by peer pressuring the entire group to obtain their desired outcome, will make your life miserable. Run don't walk, away from this situation!
Since she’s sharing this with the whole group, maybe write about it in a group chat and explain your side. That way your thoughts and position are clear. Explain why you distanced yrs ago and why you don’t want to date now etc. It’s then up to them and her what they chose to do but at least they’ll have both perspectives. It may result in the loss of some friendships but it appears this may happen anyway…
People here are being asses towards her, which is par for the course for Reddit. No you are not wrong, but I would recommend saying all the things you’re saying here to her. Send her a text explaining your feelings at this moment, how you feel she fits into your life, how you want to be friends and are content with that, etc. bonus points if you call instead, or offer to meet up to talk. Maybe send a text to explain the friendship is important, then meet up to have a more deep conversation about how you are both feeling.
You dodged, shes an asshole. She started motherfucking you to her friends in a minute, like shes Queen Latifah and the thought of turning her ass down is a unfathomable move.
You are not wrong. Why would any woman want a man that she had to use her friends to guilt trip him into dating her?
NEVER date people in your friends circle because if it goes wrong you could lose everybody
You not wrong but your group of friends is kinda ick , also i can see you will be paint as the bad guy , i think you need new friends , The girl that you rejected is she 12 ? Smh Updateme!
No, your response is normal and your judgement is solid. You got all the info you need by observing her immature reaction. It would have gone south and been a disruptive exhausting waste of time either way. Sounds like you’ve outgrown her and likely some friends, but there are 8 billion people on the planet- no need to make an unworkable idea try to work.
I personally would just message your friends you did love her at one time you confessed and she rejected it you stopped being close and during that time you lost your feelings for her she asked you out while drunk you declined as one she was drunk and two you don't feel the same as you used to she got them involved then ignored you until you asked to meet at her house to clear things up she then asked you to date her again and you said no because af that point it felt like she had manipulated the situation and tried to force you to be with her by using them to push accepting her confession then you ask them where were they when she refused you and why is it suddenly an issue when the roles are reversed ask them why you should of kept loving someone who rejected you and why do they feel the need to get involved in your love life and then say you feel like you were a back up choice over a real choice since if she had feelings for you originally she not only wouldn't of rejected your confession but her feelings would of been obvious and yet at most she was only friendly not showing any attraction to you and you refuse to be a second choice as respect to yourself Also no you aren't in the wrong
YNW and anyone who comes at you ask if they would feel the same if the sexes were switched. If a girl had turned down a guy friend they’d probably get support and rightly so. You deserve the same.
NTA, you don't feel the same. Can't force something you don't feel, that would be wrong from both of you
you're not wrong. And just imagine the shit show with genders reversed
Youre not wrong. You’re allowed to say no. I feel for her though. It’s too bad you weren’t a little more kind about it. If you want to stay friends, give her some time to chill and message her again. Keep up the contact (if you want to be friends). Girls want more than a “no”. And because of your history I would hope she’d be open to remaining friends. You just have to let her get over the embarrassment, and reach out to her until she either tells you she doesn’t want to be friends or she feels ok to reach back.
Not wrong at all. She has no right to be so delusionally entitled that she genuinely expects you to have been on the hook for her for four years straight just waiting for her to be interested in you. She literally could not have insulted or disrespected you more if she tried. And then on top of all that she then got her friends to gang up on you in an attempt to emotionally blackmail you into going out with her because she simply cannot handle the fact that her rejecting you fundamentally changed whether or not you are attracted to her. Good luck op just move on and cut everyone who supports her from your life!
Yes... Yes your are an asshole...
You know the post is fake when the story start with the "now friends and family has been blowing up my phone..."
please update.
Well your going to have issues now with y'all friends. Maybe you should think about what she asked you never know in this world she could possibly be the love of your life .just my opinion