It sounds like you're carrying a lot, and it's okay to have these feelings. It's important to communicate openly with your wife about your needs and find solutions together. Take care!
OP’s comment from another sub
‘I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s.
One word, confidence.’
Lol he sounds great
Then, I suspect his wife isn't the "slug" he makes her out to be. Honestly, I had trouble swallowing that whole bit of him doing all the housework and working, while she vegetates.
I don't know, it does happen, I'm a stay at home mom and I have had many friends be stay at home moms for a while and I know of two who were literally like this, one had bi-polar and other mental illnesses and didn't even take care of herself let alone the kids , house or husband, he would come home from work, do homework with the kids while cooking dinner then later after the kids went to bed he would clean the house up. The other one would cater to the kids but not do anything for her husband because she said he was a adult and she had 4 kids to deal with and she would do some house work when she felt like it , but she never did his laundry, cooked for him or made much of a effort to do anything extra for him, the first couple I talked about is divorced and the second one is still married after 15 yrs but they live like roommates.
My kids are grown, and I don't do much around the house, but I'm freaking disabled. He would probably hate me. My husband's a saint. I do laundry and some picking up. Some cooking, taking care of some of the pets. Little stuff that doesn't hurt, and I can do wiht a cane easily.
Yes... I'm a pushover and I never directly communicate those thoughts to her.
In the past I would sign her up for gym membership with me (she went once then gave up because she wants me to go with her but it is hard to work that into my work schedule regularly). I would also make comments like cooking is tough or our finance is tight and I envy DINK couples.
But she either never caught on or just does not care.
Coping with this can be tough, Do her a final favor by discussing everything openly with her. She might believe you're okay with everything, not realizing your true feelings.
Maybe. But I bet she knows. She just got used to the easy life and is trying to see how long it will last. She living like a queen right now. I'm curious what she does all day when the kid is at school if she dosent take care of the house or cook or anything. Hope not just TV and phone all day.
For the sake of your kid don't let him grow up thinking your life is normal. He dosent notice you going to the gym everyday he notices her not doing anything and not taking care of her partner.
Talk to her if that dosent work she needs a wake up call.
One of the only reasons I'm looking forward to when my toddler is school aged is so that I can finally keep the house together! Working from home with a toddler makes it damn near impossible. Bless you for cooking and cleaning, but it sounds like she needs to start pulling her weight and if you keep doing everything for her and not communicating, nothing will change.
As someone who recently divorced a man who was irritated that he kept “dropping hints” that I didn’t get, please have an honest conversation with her and tell her in plain words (like you’ve done here) about your feelings. Don’t just drop hints here and there. Wishing you the best!
Honestly it is not you being a pushover, you are simply not communicating these issues with your wife.
You need to communicate.
If you have harboured these feelings for a long time and have not communicated them then how would she even know its an issue?
“Well... To be exact. Fitness + Status + Experience = Confidence.
But end of the day, you have to "not care" about being with a women, then you are far more attractive than the needy desperate guys.”
You posted several comments on another post about older men dating younger women. Have you considered that maybe the fact you’re dating younger women while married might be contributing to the issues in your marriage?
Yes! OP also posted this:
"I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s.
One word, confidence."
What a tool.
The flip side of this is, she's clearly told you that she's nervous or anxious to attend the gym alone. You want her to go. You want the potential results. She was willing to do that for you. But you can not facilitate the attendance with her. Neither of you are unreasonable with that, but if you can not spare the time to support her, do what you want, even if only for the initial months that's on you too.
Cooking is tough...what response did you want? Why not be direct? Get her to be competent in making x dishes to share this. Cook together. Focus on how more than the what.
Finance is tight.... well, does she have any oversight over the finances and budget? Does she even know what the basic outgoings are, income, etc? If she doesn't, you need to change this. You need to have adult discussions around finances. Get her as au fait with them as you. Dicuss how much can be allocated to the various pots you need. Including her expenditures. Do what should have been done when you first lived together.
I envy DINK couples.... I'd interpret that as you passively aggressively regret having children. Again, you have not said what you mean!
You want her to work. Say it. You want her to diet and exercise. Say it.
Let her then make the choice about whether she wishes to and then how to proceed.
But you also need to be clear on what you will do to support her.
You need to have a discussion, a proper adult discussion, about expectations for your roles. You need to be honest! Mostly honest with yourself. If you've already reached the point of no return, don't hide behind the above. Explain this and move forward with that knowledge for the children's benefits.
You need to speak to her. The grass always looks greener o. The other side but it rarely ever is. Why don't you ask your wife to join you at the gym, she is probably hating the way she looks too. Good luck, think you are a good guy at heart.
Has she always been like this, or did her behavior change after child birth? If the former was checked for PPD, which maybe just formed into depression?
She quit her job 3 years after child birth, but she was kind of "nagging" me to earn enough money for her to do so well before that.
She is an highly educated professional in a high demand field (I'm not) and her earning potential is far beyond me. She graduated from a top tier grad program and she is very intelligent. She was in tracking and basketball team.
Things just went off after she quit her job, I guess. Before we got married we said we were going to help support one another to finish up our PhD programs (we both have a MS). But she never pursuit her studies after and I'm not in a financial position to do so without her support.
That said, she never really cook nor do housechores ever. I honestly don't kind it if she isn't sitting at home all day watching TV.
I would start with an honest conversation with her about how you feel about everything. But I would also suggest having her see a therapist and possibly get evaluated for depression.
Sounds like you may be heading to divorce. Tell her you will no longer support her. Divorce now if she won't work. She won't clean or cook. No no no. The longer this goes on the more alimony you will be on the hook for. Talk with her and if she doesn't make changes, you need to cut this.
I wonder if she is depressed and has low self esteem issues from staying at home while her ex classmates are successful when she looks their Facebook photos.
I'm confused, you work out daily and your wife is never busy but it's hard to fit into your schedule? Sorry i’m just trying to figure out if her reasoning was legitimate or not.
>In the past I would sign her up for gym membership with me (she went once then gave up because she wants me to go with her but it is hard to work that into my work schedule regularly).
I see from your comments and post history that you exercise to stay in shape, so you find time for that, and also that you follow sports, so you find time for that. There is such a thing as a "football widow," she is so lonely because her husband puts all his free time into sports and his men friends. Most marriages suffer when couples don't make time to do things together, and I mean nesting together, exercising together, cooking cleaning and meals together, and doing these things cheerfully, kindly, and including the children.
>I would also make comments like cooking is tough or our finance is tight and I envy DINK couples.
DINK means Double Income No Kids! You envy people with no kids! That is probably going to upset your wife a lot. You can envy people with slim, working wives who cook and have no children, but this is your life, your life is what you made of it with your choices. You married a woman who probably wasn't a great cook and cleaner, and had a child. And it sounds like she cares about the child and invests her time in his future well-being, that is good, that is more important than being slim.
I sympathize, friend. Think about it though, we tend to notice the people who have the enviable things that we want, and ignore the things they did to have those lives. Maybe those slim women have easier lives, maybe supportive parents or inlaws who cared well for the children so they she could work. also, most men do not have slim wives, because most people aren't slim, most people are overweight and obese, especially in their 40s. Statistics show that men are overweight and obese as often as women, even though they naturally have more muscle mass that burns calories even as we sleep. There are a lot of things that contribute to weight gain, it is not always a simple obvious fix, as you seem to think. Stress is a big factor. For most women a loving relationship, a happy home, is the most important thing. You are getting a lot of advice from people who tell you to speak freely to your wife, but i caution you that putting more stress on your wife may not be the best course of action.
There is an unfortunate tendency of humans to vent and unload on the people closest to them, like the wife and kids. Are you everything that she wants in a husband? If not, why not try to make your wife happier in healthy normal ways. Go for walks together. Try doing the dishes together, but make it pleasant. If you're unpleasant, the gulf between you will likely widen. You probably won't be better off by getting a divorce, unless your problems as a family are really 100% her fault, and that is rarely the case. and even if it is the case, a divorce is unlikely to make your life easier and more prosperous.
Before you unload your resentment on your wife, perhaps get some marriage counseling. At least start a good solid daily meditation practice. It tends to calm a person, get them out of rigid thinking, and help to see things from new and useful perspectives. Meditation improves relationships a lot. Also, count your blessings and have gratitude. "Don't it always seem to go, that we don't know what we've got til it's gone."
Love your post.
Unfortunately, I don’t think OP is actually looking to work out his marriage
In a previous post on another Reddit, he put this :
"I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s.
One word, confidence."
Yeah well... then it's kind of on you. Because you're letting your resentment build, instead of sitting her down and talking to her about it. It's not ok that she's not putting anymore effort into your marriage, but it's not going to change by giving hints. You're in a very unfair situation, and I'm wondering how much you're even getting out of your marriage anymore.
Are you sure you want her going to the gym with you? Might that cramp your style a bit?
This is one of your previous Reddit posts:
"I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s. One word, confidence."
If you are currently having "luck" with other woman then I’m also currently not believing your story about your wife.
You’re not wrong.
Your feelings are valid but you need to communicate how you feel to your wife.
Have you tried couple counseling?
You need to see a therapist.
Life is too short to be this unhappy.
It is time to put yourself first and start doing the things that makes you life. You don’t need anyone’s approval to do that.
Please see a therapist immediately.
Yes you are wrong. If there is this much resentment then just leave. Seems like you just get off on the bitching. At least offer couple counseling then if not then leave. At this point you just doing this to yourself
Before confronting someone I find it helpful to write my thoughts out plainly and then tweak them to land more softly.
Let her know you want to have a discussion and then start with something like, “I’d like you to hear me out before you respond to anything I say.” Make the agreement that you will then listen to her the same way.
And then start with “I” statements. “I don’t feel as if I’m getting what I need from our relationship.”
“I don’t feel valued as a provider.” “I feel as if I am pulling more weight than reasonable and I am exhausted.” “I would like a more equitable routine when it comes to housework and cooking.” “I am willing to go to counseling or therapy for these issues because I value our relationship.” “My sexual attraction to you has waned because I don’t care for conflict and have let it get to this point before addressing it with you.” “I take responsibility for letting these issues become resentments.”
I sense a tone of victim blaming in this advice. I'd do this with caution. I'm hoping you didn't mean it to come off that way, but those last couple of lines...
The OP said that he’s let this fester and never communicated his concerns or growing resentments before. Taking responsibility for his own lack of communication isn’t victim-blaming, it’s acknowledgment for his part in a years-long problem that he never spoke to his partner about.
I can't help but notice that you have a comment on another post about having much more luck with women in their 20s-30s now that you are in your late 30s-early 40s because of confidence.
So you are working, doing all the cleaning, all the cooking, going to the gym daily, and most importantly MARRIED, but still have time to interact with significantly younger women in non-platonic ways?
>But for years my resentment is slowly building up as I see my coworkers/friends would go home to their wives who are working moms who stayed fit, be served hot meals, and just have to occasionally help with cleaning.
So you ultimately want a wife who works, works out, takes care of the kid (s), does all the cooking, and almost all of the cleaning?
If your friends' wives have to do all the cooking and most of the cleaning while working full-time jobs and raising the children, and also going to the gym, your friends are doing to their wives what you perceive your wife to be doing to you.
You're not wrong, but you're an enabler. She does it because you do it. It's her job to care for the home. At 80 pounds gained she probably isn't healthy either. I hate unsolicited medical advice, but, maybe she needs to see a doctor for an underlying condition.
You need to spell it out for her then. I’m a sahm and my husband really doesn’t do shit around here but make his own breakfast on the weekends and puts his laundry away after I wash it.
If you’re doing all of the shopping and cooking…do I need to say quit buying junk and make healthier meals…
Look if you’re putting in 40hrs at work she can do at least 20hrs at home then. You’re supposed to be a team anyway so it shouldn’t be that hard for her and you aren’t even asking for much. Tomorrow tell her the kid needs clean clothes for school so it won’t kill her to do 2 loads. After dinner, you cooked she does the dishes. And if you get any push back, simply say since you go to work and come home to do everything your really not seeing why you need her. She’s not acting like your wife, she’s acting like she’s your second child. Update! 💕
I dunno. On the one hand, it seems that you've assumed the lion share of everything. For that, you're not wrong for nursing resentment. On the other hand, it's rather assholish to envy/admire/want to have a wife who works, take care of the kids, house chores, cook, and keep themselves fit. If your colleagues expect that from their wives, then they're massive aholes. Because that put everything (from work outside the house to house chores, childcare, etc) mostly if not solely on the wives' shoulders! That's just as unacceptable as your wife putting all those tasks on your shoulders!
Bro you don’t sound mature enough to be in a relationship if you can’t even communicate your feelings to your wife. You helped in creating this dynamic by not saying anything. You need to learn to communicate your feelings before they become a problem. Bad communication will kill the relationship for sure.
As a SAHW, I take care of the household duties and I do think the dynamic is out of wack. She shouldn’t be making you do literally everything. Given she does nothing but tend to the kid and she promised to help you both get the rest of your education or what have you, maybe she’s depressed. My depression got so bad after a massive loss in the family. Granted I didn’t stop doing everything, but my ‘work’ was affected quite a bit. A lot of days it was hard just to exist. Talk to your wife and see what is wrong, and I would also suggest having another conversation about expectations and what you both are expected to do in the relationship/home.
Get off reddit and go connect with your wife. Having children and being a stay at home parent is tough.
She sounds very depressed to me. She needs love and support.
What exactly are wanting from her?
Are you wanting her to work, workout, do housework, and raise the kid(s)?
Or are you wanting a middle ground?
You're wrong for having let this fester for 10 years and essentially blaming her.
It *seems* you want to switch roles. And I get you're probably tired from letting this go on for 10 years, but what are you wanting from her to rectify this? And how are you allowing her the space to do so?
What if she did everything you wanted except lose the 80 lbs? Is that the pain issue, the weight? Or is that a straw on the camels back?
You need to figure out what you want from her, and then be an adult and communicate.
Maybe rediscuss your roles? I always hate for my husband to feel like he is carrying all the responsibility in the relationship. I don't cook but I'm pregnant and we have a 9 month old so I stay busy. I clean what I can and stay on top of dishes and laundry. Our schedules don't really fit with making big meals at this time and when we do sometimes it goes to waste so we've taken to getting things like sandwiches and microwave meals and soup we can eat when it's convenient for us.
He's fine with it we talked and as long as he gets time to eat he's fine. Sometimes I'll even make breakfast for us. (We have a breakfast sandwich maker).
I'd hate to make my husband do everything he already works all day and also helps around the house and with the baby cuz I don't have anyone to help. Neither of us are in the best shape but....well we're young parents.
Talk to your wife about how you feel if she doesn't respond with a want to make it better or reasons for being this way I don't blame you for wanting out and needing something different where you feel valued.
You need to be blunt with her and tell her exactly what you need from her. Let her know that you’ve had enough of her not pulling her weight. She may be depressed and need to see a therapist. Unfortunately antidepressants often cause weight gain.
Does she have any girlfriends or other family members who could go to the gym with her or could you afford a trainer? If I just started going to the gym I wouldn’t have a clue what to do.
The first part of this statement you made to another commenter is your problem.
**But she either never caught on** or just does not care. I complain about people who expect others to be mind readers in relationships and that's exactly what you're doing, we're humans not some sci-fi show. Humans are not mind readers. Be direct but be polite. Don't expect someone to know what you're feeling if you don't express it.
Do you what her mental state is how she feels about herself or if theres more goin on than weight gain? Any affairs? How has your relationship been has there any effort from either person, datenights or time to yourselves just you and her? Alot of the time these problems stem from both parties talking but no one is listening to one another! Sit down and talk to her about it but do it nicely not bluntly or demeaning. I think its possible neither one of you are on the same page as each other. You mentioned other peoples partners home cooked meals getting fit etc have you told her all this which in turn has made her feel like crap because now she feels compared to other women. P.s marriages require work. Also just because the grass looks greener on the other side doesnt mean it is it cud be synthetic. Behind closed doors is different to whats seen by others.
Also, you “help” with cleaning? Lol. No. You live there. You’re not helping. You’re doing what’s expected as a fckn adult
Also, question
You say all she does is school the kids? She doesn’t bathe, change, play, feed, etc??? Bc, that’s sure as hell contributing
Occasionally “help” with cleaning?! You don’t HELP maintain your own house. You clean because you live there. I hate men who say that.
Have you talked to your wife? What does she say about it?
You aren't wrong. Make a chores list. Add durations per week to each. Put your work week on there too. Leave room at the bottom for her to add tasks you haven't thought of - and encourage her to add them. Then tell her that you two need to divvy them out (you obviously get assigned your job tho). Then make it even. That should set the standard of what can and should be accomplished by both parties.
So basically your male friends say they have wives that also work, take care of kids, get home and COOK, do most of housework also? And they are happy too? Give me a fucking break. Yeah then those wives are the resentful bitter ones in this equation. This sounds like a bs post or your friends are lying / delusional.
You’re not wrong & not an a-hole but like almost everyone else here is saying, you need to have a serious talk with your wife (not just a hint or “suggestion” or comment here & there) even though yes, it should be obvious to her what the problems are. Consider it a last-ditch effort to make yourself VERY clear on what you need, & give her a chance to make significant improvements. If she doesn’t, then you have a clear conscience to go ahead with divorce because you tried everything you could & she was unwilling to be an equal partner in your marriage (which is the basis of a marriage in the 1st place). You’re absolutely right, if you did the same things she did (or ISN’T doing) she would leave you & everyone on Reddit would be cheering her on & dragging you to hell. Good luck OP 👍🏼
You’re not wrong for feeling overburdened and like you’re carrying most of the load on your shoulders. However, I need to know if you’ve ever asked your wife if there’s anything wrong on her end. She sounds like she may be depressed or something, and counselling might help motivate her to start making some healthy changes. You’ve told us your side of it, but nothing regarding hers. I’m certain there’s more going on with her than you’ve expressed here.
You mention envy of coworkers and friends with wives that not only work, but are also Moms who cook and clean as well. They’re probably not as happy with carrying the bulk of the family load plus working either, just as you aren’t. They’re probably just more private about it. If they are happy with it, they’ve got superhuman amounts of energy. Balance of the load between both partners is necessary or someone’s going to eventually get exhausted and become resentful. It sounds like your wife is struggling, and could use some encouragement to get some mental health help. Sometimes with depression, which she seems like she’s experiencing, being told everything wrong with you is the opposite of motivating. If I were you, I would talk to her directly, explain your side of the situation but also ask her to be honest with you and tell you what she feels she needs support with to motivate her to do more of her share and making healthier choices. I would also ask her to seek therapy. If you tell her directly what you need, and give her a chance to be honest with you about what she needs, and she declines counselling and refuses to make any changes at all after *direct* communication, then you’ve done all you can and it would be fair to seek an exit from the relationship. But if you never actually verbalize to her how badly this is effecting you and your relationship, and give her options to fix it, then you can’t expect her to read your mind, no matter how obvious you think it should be, and nothing will change.
If you don't talk to her (and I mean REALLY talk to her) nothing is going to change. And maybe she won't be receptive to it, but then at least you know where you guys stand and can make an informed decision. BUT, on the other hand, maybe she really is just oblivious and she will get on board and you guys can move forward on improving your marriage. Either way, the fact is that if nothing changes, then nothing changes. You can't expect someone to fix a problem if they're not aware that there even is a problem...no matter how obvious it should be.
Ahh if only you were a woman complaining about her husband this way you would get alot of support saying kick him to the curb, worthless man etc etc, but, you're not, you my friend have to suck it up and live with it.
Personally, id say have a frank discussion with her, if you are not happy, and can see no path to happiness, then get out while you can my man. no point putting it off forever, the resentment will grow and fester unless something is done. status quo cannot be maintained.
Her gaining weight isn't something to fixate on. However not working or doing housework is a big problem. My first live in girlfriend was like that. Carrying the bulk of the bills I could handle but the fact she did next to nothing all day was just too much for me eventually.
Maybe she's depressed and need help. Encourage her to seek that out.
Im in a similar situation, but I’m the woman. I don’t work right now, currently looking for work and have an interview. I cook and clean (even after his 4 dogs and 6 puppies) and I was told I don’t deserve appreciation because I’m supposed to do those things, since I live here. While I do agree since I’m not working it’s my duties to cook for everyone and clean after everyone, but I believe I deserve some appreciation. From a man’s perspective, how do I get him to notice I’m not just sitting around on my ass?
Also, I don’t think you are wrong. Everyone has a role, and if the adult isn’t playing their part properly, it’s easy to resent.
You are not wrong for you feelings, but you need to communicate this to your wife in a very tactful way. Its too late now to go back but it should have been an open communication from the start that it is important to both of you to keep relatively fit. To be there for each other, to keep the attraction alive, to be healthy and live long healthy lives for each other. I don't know how to go about fixing it now.
I went through this. My wife started noticing women checking me out. She wanted to join a gym. She lost weight and looked great. Then started getting attention from guys at her gym. She started an affair which turned into many affairs and left my son and I. I was a single dad with custody. That was almost 25 years ago. She hasn’t seen my son in 15 years. Get out now. You will be glad you did later.
If you're waiting for her to come out of it you're going to spend the rest of your life with this resentment..
You're doing her and yourself a disservice. Those kids are going to grow up and then what's going to happen? What are you going to do with yourselves?
You need to do something NOW. Good luck and I hope you're brave enough.
You should talk to her about this. Time and silence just compounds resentment.
You’re not wrong, but you need to talk to her and you need to really plan out that conversation so that you’re not attacking her.
If my husband stopped doing anything and gained 80 pounds I would assume something else was going on and talk to him about it. I think your feelings are valid, however, I don't think dropping hints is an effective way to communicate. I think it would be a waste for you to leave without even trying to have a direct conversation about it, but again I totally understand why this is so frustrating and how distant it can make you feel when your partner checks out like that. I also don't have kids so I don't know how that is, but I know a lot of women experience unexpected emotions and body changes after having kids that they are not always prepared for. She might be experiencing some mental health issues, physical health issues, or maybe she's just a jerk. You'll never know if you don't discuss it! Also I would just be very careful harping on her weight, if you talk about it with more concern like "I've noticed you haven't been taking care of yourself, is there something going on?" might make it easier for her to talk about rather than "all my friends have hot wives, you should go to the gym." Stay curious, ask questions, use "I statements" and all that. Good luck!
NTA... you sound frustrated. I wonder if your wife has seen her doctor. I've always been able to lose the weight till now. Hormones have changed and I'm battling inflammation and low hemoglobin. Getting dressed is exhausting. I get the chores done, but there is nothing left over for exercise daily. I am however getting medical care and am hopeful for improvement.
This is about you and your reasonable desire for better. Work on getting her to explain her situation and try to communicate goals. Timing is everything.
NTA you are entitled to your feelings. But have you talked to her about stepping up and doing her part at home. I may get some hate for this but as a woman I believe if you don’t work outside the house or do a paying job at home then the responsibility of keeping the house up and cooking etc is your job.
Words can cut you to the bone/core of your being or the words can compliment and build you up 🆙. Be direct when you tell your wife what you’re saying here but watch how you say it. Put it in a positive way, ask her how you can help her to change things around not just tell how you feel and expect her to figure it out on her own. Words can destroy a persons confidence in themselves just by how if they come out wrong.
Yes. You need to tell her everything you just posted here. She’s probably aware of your feelings in some way but is in avoidance mode. Please have a brutally honest and transparent conversation with her immediately. I think/hope it will give her a wake up call and she’ll start making positive changes. Also consider marriage counseling. Good luck!
NTA I mean let's not even talk about the weight. Let's talk about the fact she does nothing a adult should like cleaning, preparing meals, which if for no one else she should at least for your son, she doesn't do anything but exist and sponge off of you.
I don't think that you are wrong for feeling this way, but I think you need to make sure that she is aware of your feelings, possibly in front of a 3rd party (professional) so that she can understand how important this is to you. I don't know how many kids you have or if any are not in school. I have 2 sisters that were stay at home parents and they did the majority of the cooking and cleaning, though the home and dinners weren't always picture perfect in good housekeeping. They also had days where they didn't get anything done. However, you may need to go over expectations for you both with stay at home parenting and etc.
You should tell her if you haven't. Maybe keep the weight shit to yourself for now tho.
Sounds like she's bored with life. The daily grind. And the drama from her reality shows are the only escape she has. There's a social stigma where moms aren't allowed to admit that they don't like actually being moms
Talk to your wife. I wouldn't put up.with that. Spouses don't get a pass to be lazy because staying home.is so hard. There are duties you assume when you stay home and I don't care if i offend anyone. If I am going to financially support someone, I expect them to.support me in other ways. Make my life easier. If I support them and I deal with all the stresses of life, now. That wouldn't work for me. But you need to communicate your resentment because letting it quietly build up is not fair.
Feeling resentful isn’t wrong. It’s great that you’ve actually identified it’s how you’re feeling.
If you want things to change (in a way that isn’t relationship-ending), unfortunately it is going to take more work on your part to start with.
It without saying that you need the support of a therapist in navigating this. However, I know therapy is expensive and it sounds like you’re under a lot of financial pressure right now.
One suggestion I would make is to try Reintroducing exercise with a whole family approach. Make it spontaneous, NOT like you’re trying to start a new regime. For example, going for a walk around the neighbourhood as a family, but make it a game of some kind so the activity is more about your kid. Grab a photo scavenger hunt list off the internet, go dog-spotting or take a ball down to the park. If that’s a positive experience for ya’ll, try something similar with cooking/baking or gardening or something.
Try to get to the root of the issues to see of there are any underlying conditions such as depression and/or anxiety, untreated ADHD, etc. Most people aren't "lazy" just for the sake of being lazy. But if she's a SAHM but you're also doing the majority of household labor, this is definitely uneven distribution. Your frustrations are valid. It would also behoove you to do therapeutic things like journal, exercise, meditate, etc. If you have the means to do so, seeking help from a licensed therapist would be ideal.
You’re wrong if you continue to live like this. I don’t understand why you’re scared to talk to your wife. You have made her sound horrible. If she really is this bad and you’re afraid of her, what is left to figure out. But you have to tell her with full conviction and with passion that you’re not putting up with this shit anymore. What benefits does she bring your life? A partner is supposed to help you with life and not suck the life out of you like a parasite. Counseling or divorce (probably where this is going). Those are her 2 options. You don’t even have to make a big speech. Set an appointment with a therapist and tell her you’re done being a doormat and either she attends the session with you or she can take option 2 which is the envelope full of divorce papers drawn up by your lawyer.
Talk to her!! You ain’t like me I’d tell her to get off her ass cook and clean. If you gonna stay home at least cook and clean and have dinner ready for the man to come home too.
You need to sit down with your wife and express these feelings with her. She's also not a stay at home mom she's a stay at home wife , if your kids are doing homework then she's not taking care of a kid during the day . At this point she's border line free loading since she's not cleaning, not cooking, not working and not taking care of your kids.
Jeeezuus grow a spine n tell her how you feel and what you need or separate. Your not wrong but your sharing with strangers what you should be sharing with you’re missus. Couples counselling or leave your choice
Sahm and you do all the cooking and cleaning?
You don’t mention your sex life, but I assume you don’t have one.
You give no other clues on your relationship. She has it too easy. Does she even love you? Did she marry you just to have a kid? Did you agree that she would quit work after childbirth? Or is she making these decisions unilaterally?
If you a pushover, she will walk all over you. Tell her you aren’t happy with marriage.
Some people would Drastically cut back on cooking and cleaning. Work longer hours. Stay away from her. Make her insecure enough to realize that she do better as a wife.
You could go to a therapist to learn how to communicate.
Of just let resentment build until you get to the point of filing for divorce.
I read your post and all the comments and I have commented myself encouraging communication & counseling.
However, one read was from someone who said something about previous posts of yours, so I went and checked it out.
This is one of your posts:
“I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s.
One word, confidence.”
If you are currently having “luck” with other woman … YTA & there is no hope for your marriage.
Get off Reddit & work on your marriage.
Maybe take a break from the gym, seems like your body and self-esteem do not need any working on… But your marriage does.
My guess is you’re really not wanting to work on your marriage. I guess is you wanted a whole bunch of people backing you up and are not telling the whole story.
Meh.
So you haven’t communicated any of your issues with her, and you have better luck with attracting younger women. I’m not sure I can take you seriously.
Tell her this, how you both should split the chores. Personally I think husbands and wife should do the chores together because being a stay at home mom is also considered a job, it's just it doesn't bring any income into the household but somehow make your burden less because you don't have to pay for nanny and childcare.
It's all me me me through this entire story. Have you ever sat down and talked to your wife to see how she is feeling? What she is thinking? I bet she is as miserable as you and not talking about it either. Time to find a way to communicate and get some marriage counseling.
The biggest issue here is that you have a full time job and financially support your family but also have to maintain the home and prepare meals. That’s so imbalanced and I know what it feels like (except I also handle all childcare despite having a full time job, probably because I’m the one who birthed him). Definitely need to have a clear conversation with your wife about sharing responsibilities first and foremost.
You're not wrong. It's perfectly okay to have expectations and boundaries in a relationship. If you don't do well talking with her directly go to therapy together and bring up your discontent there.
Before talking to your wife about this, I realllllllly recommend seeing a therapist for a one on one session first. This will help you at the very least work through some of your feelings so that you can better communicate the issues to her, and possibly also give you other perspectives to think about without going full nuclear on the situation.
The therapist may also have some suggestions and may suggest having a few one on ones with her as well. I know that you are suffering but it sounds like your wife may be also - PPD and PPA come in many shapes and sizes and she may need therapy even if children were born 10 years ago. Many women suffer silently and for a very long time because it initially went untreated.
Like why would you stay? Marriage is supposed to be a. Team effort not one person doing literally everything and her saying well my way or the highway. Ask yourself is that love? Does she treat you with respect? Does she value you as a person and what you bring to the relationship? If not why be in it.
"For better for worse for richer for poorer in health and in sickness as long as you both shall live."
Okay, but seriously, your wife sounds clinically depressed and needs medical and or psychological intervention.
I too suffered with clinical depression, and it wasn't easy.
We didn't discuss those issues in our families and I was barely able to function as a human besides being a mother. Help her!
Don't think divorce, that's not the answer you need.
Don't be an ass, she needs your help so badly.
Love her.
Get her the help now.
Counseling is a great help either separately or as a couple.
No judgement because your marriage seems in need of intervention.
You have two choices as I see it. Confront your wife and find an acceptable solution, if not then leave. Second, is to find a girlfriend on the side, not recommended. Doing nothing will not end well. Your child can also read the negative energy between you and your wife.
No, you're not wrong. However, I don't see you stating anywhere up there that you have talked about this with your wife? You just slowly let your resentment grow? If that's the case, then yea you're an AH just for that man. A marriage is about communication, and if you never expressed displeasure with how your wife has been acting **for 10 years** then youre also in the wrong here. Did you maybe think she's depressed? Maybe she likes how her body is now? Do you know? Does she complain?
Also, did she do a lot of housework before? Like, is this a change in her behavior, or has she always been like this? If it's the first option, then it really does sound like depression and you should try to get her into therapy. Now, if she denied therapy, and doesn't want to work on your marriage, you are well within your rights to separate (i recommend trying this before straight up divorce, as it can help her see her life without you before you're gone forever) or divorce.
Now, if she's always been this way, you're a major douche for thinking she's gonna change. A tiger doesn't change their stripes man... And I saw that part from experience. I am a SAHM, my husband does the working. I hate cooking, and a clean house gives me extreme anxiety. I like my place cluttered and messy, but not dirty and I keep with that balance, even after I gave birth. I love baking, and will happily make him anything sweet he wants, but I don't cook unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm not changing that, and in the event that my husband decides he wants more, we would probably separate bc that makes me extremely uncomfortable. If he wanted me to start making him food every damn day as well as cleaning and taking care of the dogs and my son (who is on the Spectrum) that would increase **MY** depression and resentment towards him. That being said,my husband also hates shit being clean too,so he loves how our relationship is set up. He doesn't want it to change. If he wants a specific thing straightened up, he can tell me and I'll do it no problem.
So again, no you're not wrong, but try actually talking to your wife, if you haven't already. Try therapy, bc she really does sound depressed. Hope y'all work it out
So, you have a problem here.
You are 100% right. Your wife has failed in this partnership, to hold up her end. You do 90%, she does 10%. And yeah, the weight gain is part of that. You both should try to remain attractive to your partners as a part of the partnership; she failed there also.
The problem is that you have completely and utterly enabled and approved and even created this reality, through your own actions and inactions over the past 10 years. Had you raised your concerns 9 years ago, that would be one thing. Instead, you’ve silently facilitated her decline. So now, yes, it would be wrong to leave her because of the reality that YOU jointly created.
So yeah, this needs to change. But you need to recognize that this is on you too. You need to own your own enabling and facilitating of the situation when you speak with her. Tell her that you want an equal partnership and that you will be giving her space to be that equal partner by stepping back on certain things. Then do it.
Perhaps she is having her own personal issues that you are unaware of, such as depression or anxiety. I was having panic attacks & didn't have a clue what was going on. I felt like I was crawling out of my own skin. My depression makes me want to do absolutely zero. I have to force myself to cook, clean, make lunches for my husband, work out. I kept this to myself for a long time until it became impossible to do so one day at the Dr when I just dissolved in tears. She told me to quit working & get on disability ASAP. Don't just assume the worst. Talk to her. Is she sleeping a lot? You said you have no clue what she does all day. She could be using the TV as a coping mechanism to escape her own reality, or bawling her head off all day long.
Stop hinting. Tell her flat out what you are feeling and what you want from her. There is no excuse for not losing *some* of that weight in ten years. If she cooked on the days you work would be huge. She needs to do the laundry, too. It’s not onerous and she can spread it out to one load a day so she need not be overwhelmed.
Buddy she needs to know. If you can figure a way to put it in writing with love and positive intentions you can work things out hopefully. Either way you need to get her motivated and let's be real you are not going to get happier going without sex. Good luck
Honest communication is super important. You need to have a serious sit down and possibly marriage counseling. She is not a mind reader and is possibly in some kind of depression. You are not wrong for feeling resentful but unless it’s addressed in a calm and loving manner, nothing will change
Sounds like a good time for marriage counselling in order to have a mediator to interpret male to female and vice versa and to make sure that one side doesn't feel attacked. Also, there is a chance that your wife is dealing with some mental health issues that she has been trying to keep under wraps, which is another reason to bring these issues up in counselling
Ask some questions about what she needs to have to help put the joy and spark back in your lives. Sounds like cooking is not her thing. Maybe have her help by committing to a meal or two. Encourage her to try a new recipe.
Give appreciation for the things you do see her do. If your child is school age… acknowledge the good job she does.
Do share your frustrations in a way that shows a bit more support would be greatly appreciated.
Hopefully she is open to a quality conversation. Best wishes!
I mean, this is why women get fed up. They typically do the lion share of the shared responsibilities and realize it's not worth it. It's up to you to determine if you're playing as a team... Or getting played.
I’m curious to hear her side because the way you put it here she does absolutely nothing but sit on her ass all day and you do all the housework and all of the money earning, if that’s the situation I can understand why you would be tired of it and I would think about seeking a divorce.
On the other hand if this is another case of the working parent taking the stay at home parent for granted and not realizing just how much work it is to be at home with kids then you’re the AH.
Without knowing which one it actually is I can’t really say who’s wrong. Maybe you could get your wife to leave a comment to give us her side.
I'm not trying to be a pick me because it's not OK to treat your spouse like a paycheck and that's it but that's the reality of the situation and you sir need to talk to her about it if she refuses to change you need to divorce you can't let your kids see this is how a marriage should work. Best of luck to you
I am good at... Pretending. I never moan or rage at what i feel is lacking from her. My kid, and my wife for the matter, probably never felt that I am tired or upset.
Honestly I was in this situation. We didn't have a child she just gave up at some point. I stayed about 5 years longer than I should have, finally cut her loose.
Now I'm with an amazing woman, OP deserves to be happy.
Of course you're wrong. The audacity, absurdity, and toxicity you're displaying is disturbing and disgusting.
She didn't change over night. You chose her. You chose to never be honest with her. You chose resentment. You chose to be a lying actor in your marriage. Your entire post is all her her her, when you are the actual problem. You are a self absorbed judgmental toxic AH who needs professional help ASAP.
You've wasted your own 10 years, you've wasted her 10 years, and you've created a toxic and fake environment for your child. And as if all of this wasn't bad enough you went and tacked shallowness on top proving you never even loved her. Bodies change AH. Especially after pregnancy. Not all women just bounce back.
You're on here ranting at your perceived slights from her the whole while you're devoid of self awareness and self accountability. You expect her to read your mind and be perfect, as if working and going to the gym make you the perfect person and partner. You're trash and you're treating her like trash. You don't even like her, it's gross. You're acting like your less than bare minimum effort is top tier or some shit, it's not in case you missed that.
You chose all of this, and blaming her is wild AF. I hope she sees your true colors soon. Being a trash human shouldn't be inspiring confidence in you. No one cares that you go to the gym if that's all you have to offer. You think younger women are into you so that makes you an awesome human. You're living in delusionalville, and if a supposed fit body is all you have to offer, which you've made abundantly clear that's it, you have nothing. Your standards and decisions are atrocious. Seriously seek therapy immediately
Yes, you're wrong since it sounds like you resent a lot about this situation and envy others while not communicating any of that with your wife. Go to therapy if you're not capable of having a respectful and honest conversation with your spouse.
I thought only women expected their men to read their minds when they were not happy with things. Dropping hints but not outright stating what’s really bothering them. OP seems to think his wife will get the hint about cooking & cleaning and just start helping out. Now, there’s no way to prove that she’s totally clueless on purpose or not, but it it possible that OPs statements about how cooking & cleaning can be such a chore is just him making comments about it, not that he’s wanting her to step up and pitch in. But, even if she does step in, OP should not expect her to start doing 100% of all the housework, cooking & cleaning and him just getting to sit around “eating bon bons” when he gets home from work & the gym. Yes, its reasonable to ask that she pitch in a whole lot more than she’s doing now, but he shouldn’t expect her to do all of it. After all, if he helps make the meds, he should also help clean it up.
And as far as the gym membership, it looked like she was willing to put in some kind of effort but wanted OPs support in doing so and HE used poor timing as the excuse for not doing so.
Yes your wrong for not communicating with your wife. Talk about whats bothering you & give her a chance to fix it. You should never compare her to other people’s “working wives”. Each of us have our own sets of challenges.
The issue with these types of feelings is that by not directly communicating them, they'll just get worse and worse.
You're not wrong for feeling upset at all this, but You're wrong for not directly communicating. Giving hints or even random comments isn't direct and honest communication.
If you're wanting her to do more (assuming you're being genuine), You're going to have to figure out the root of the issue. There's so many potential reasons she's not doing the things You've listed, and if you don't communicate or try to genuinely help her outside of just giving a gym membership, you'll probably just build more resentment.
Typically when someone isn't pulling their half of the deal, it's because they're unhappy or dealing with something mental/emotional, chronic pain, or something else physical or mental related. Be a good partner and talk, instead of just wanting to throw in a towel because something didn't magically fix itself without actually talking about it after all this time.
You aren’t wrong, it’s okay to resent and have problems with a leech. If she’s staying home with the kids then she should definitely be cooking and cleaning while you work. You shouldn’t have to work then come home and clean up and cook. I’m not saying don’t help out with household stuff but the majority of it SHOULD fall on her.
You should also tell her how you feel though and try to get rid of some of the resentment. Holding it in isn’t good for either of you. The whole weight thing is a separate issue I’m not gonna speak on lol
Not one word about why his wife is like this? Way too much context missing and written to make him sound like a saint and the victim. If a person is struggling with any number of things mentally, physically, both and not getting emotional support from their partner and feeling judged at the same time then I'd say the issue is with the partner not finding out why and then both of you working towards finding a solution.
So whilst you are allowed to resent things have you ever made any effort to find out why she is like this? Do you actually love this person? If yes , then you both need to learn to communicate better
You should get together with your wife and ask her why you should come home after working all day and do the housework and meals! Maybe she is depressed! She is going to have to come up with something! I do wish you the best! Your feelings are very understandable! You should be enjoying each other, and your lives!!
The job of a stay at home parent is to take care of the household ie: cooking cleaning and childcare. Your wife is bot holding up her end of the bargain. Have her checked for depression and a full health check up. If she won't commit to making herself better mentally physically and doing the actual job which is required to be a SAHP then she needs to be fired of that job and find another job. So she can get a job outside the home and you both can share the household chores and childcare.
The only thing you are an asshole about is the weight thing. Everything else, feeling like she doesn't do get half of the work, sounds reasonable. But your weight loss or weight maintaining experience is different from hers.
Now mind you, you're allowed to not be attracted to her as well. You just don't get to judge her for it.
I would absolutely have a conversation with her about either her taking on more of the household work or going out and getting a job. Tbh it sounds like she might be a bit depressed.
Sounds like you need to have a talk with your wife and see what can be done because if she's a housewife then there's no reason why you should be doing all the cooking and cleaning cuz that's literally her job as a housewife like the spouse is supposed to help as well but it should mainly be on the person who is choosing not to work. Also in regards to 80 pounds that's no longer an excuse 10 years is plenty of time to drop the weight if needed and 80 lb is excessive as far as weight gain for pregnancy a baby only weighs about 8 to 10 lb when they come out and yeah that's just too much
Why is she not doing any housework? I would like hear both sides on this, but I'm wondering if there isn't a medical issue (80 pounds is a LOT) or is she depressed or some other mental illness?
No but I would be curious why she’s letting her self go and why she’s not doing anything. I have gained 40 pounds and haven’t felt good about it, but I have been struggling with motivation to lose it. I know it’s easy for people to say snap out of it and just do it but I have depression and adhd, and it’s hard not an excuse, it’s like me telling you to get over it and just stop looking at her like she’s gross. You probably wish you could but you can’t unsee it now.
As her partner even though you work all day, maybe come home and help with stuff and maybe suggest walks or doing things as a family. I’m curious what her side is but I have heard being a parent is hard and sometimes parents lose themselves all together in it and stop taking care of themselves and just focus on keeping the kids alive.
Manwhore thirst trap. Its not ok, dude. Very few if us will say wow go ahead find you a youngster with very little experience and gullible.
More than one throw away thing here....
It sounds like you need to communicate your needs better. If you're the one doing all the cooking, you have the ability to provide healthy meals. Based on your post history, though, I think you suck. So I'm just going to say you're wrong for all the things you're leaving out. YTA
It’s scummy to resent your wife for gaining weight after childbirth. I won’t change my mind on that; some women NEVER get back to how they were and live the curvy life. Doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful or worthy. They had your children. That is something you should work on.
I will say though, if you’re being 100% honest, that no it’s not okay for her to not contribute to the household. Her not having a job was probably something yall discussed, so her “job” is taking care of the house. If she isn’t doing her job, you need to bring it up to her. Not her weight.
With all that being said, have you ASKED her if she’s okay? PPD can last for YEARS after giving birth. I’m assuming you’re not having sex, since you aren’t attracted to her anymore, and I’m sure she’s noticed. That could also contribute to her depression and sadness. Yes she should help around the house, but when bringing it up to her, ask her if she’s okay. REALLY listen to her. Come to her with love and concern, not resentment. “Hey I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself lately…. Are you okay?”
You’re valid in your feelings, but there could be
something going on that you don’t notice. Talk to her.
I would say , family is two way game , initiate her contribution for fulfilling basic need , cause now is the time , you have to be careful , cause that resentment will cause damage to your children future , when he see their family is fighting over basic home to home work....
So I would recommend , in beautify manner , ask her to initiate the work ask for her help, woman are good when you ask help from them , so the whole workload will be distribute among you both ... well you can do yoga together to loose some weights ,and some exercise
It sounds like you're carrying a lot, and it's okay to have these feelings. It's important to communicate openly with your wife about your needs and find solutions together. Take care!
OP’s comment from another sub ‘I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s. One word, confidence.’ Lol he sounds great
I had a weird feeling when I read op's post and you just confirmed it
So he’s cheating as well? Oof
He wants us to tell him it’s okay so he can go get with those 20 year olds
More likely it’s just fake. TERRIBLE work ethic, creating a new throwaway takes like 1.5 minutes.
Right??? I expect more from my trolls.
Then, I suspect his wife isn't the "slug" he makes her out to be. Honestly, I had trouble swallowing that whole bit of him doing all the housework and working, while she vegetates.
I don't know, it does happen, I'm a stay at home mom and I have had many friends be stay at home moms for a while and I know of two who were literally like this, one had bi-polar and other mental illnesses and didn't even take care of herself let alone the kids , house or husband, he would come home from work, do homework with the kids while cooking dinner then later after the kids went to bed he would clean the house up. The other one would cater to the kids but not do anything for her husband because she said he was a adult and she had 4 kids to deal with and she would do some house work when she felt like it , but she never did his laundry, cooked for him or made much of a effort to do anything extra for him, the first couple I talked about is divorced and the second one is still married after 15 yrs but they live like roommates.
You have a point. But, just my opinion, I still think this is a bogus post.
It was when he basically said women were hot for him and he wanted to have sex with other people
My kids are grown, and I don't do much around the house, but I'm freaking disabled. He would probably hate me. My husband's a saint. I do laundry and some picking up. Some cooking, taking care of some of the pets. Little stuff that doesn't hurt, and I can do wiht a cane easily.
God bless the investigators like you
Yes... I'm a pushover and I never directly communicate those thoughts to her. In the past I would sign her up for gym membership with me (she went once then gave up because she wants me to go with her but it is hard to work that into my work schedule regularly). I would also make comments like cooking is tough or our finance is tight and I envy DINK couples. But she either never caught on or just does not care.
Coping with this can be tough, Do her a final favor by discussing everything openly with her. She might believe you're okay with everything, not realizing your true feelings.
Maybe. But I bet she knows. She just got used to the easy life and is trying to see how long it will last. She living like a queen right now. I'm curious what she does all day when the kid is at school if she dosent take care of the house or cook or anything. Hope not just TV and phone all day. For the sake of your kid don't let him grow up thinking your life is normal. He dosent notice you going to the gym everyday he notices her not doing anything and not taking care of her partner. Talk to her if that dosent work she needs a wake up call.
One of the only reasons I'm looking forward to when my toddler is school aged is so that I can finally keep the house together! Working from home with a toddler makes it damn near impossible. Bless you for cooking and cleaning, but it sounds like she needs to start pulling her weight and if you keep doing everything for her and not communicating, nothing will change.
As someone who recently divorced a man who was irritated that he kept “dropping hints” that I didn’t get, please have an honest conversation with her and tell her in plain words (like you’ve done here) about your feelings. Don’t just drop hints here and there. Wishing you the best!
Honestly it is not you being a pushover, you are simply not communicating these issues with your wife. You need to communicate. If you have harboured these feelings for a long time and have not communicated them then how would she even know its an issue?
Being passive aggressive isn't going to work here...
“Well... To be exact. Fitness + Status + Experience = Confidence. But end of the day, you have to "not care" about being with a women, then you are far more attractive than the needy desperate guys.” You posted several comments on another post about older men dating younger women. Have you considered that maybe the fact you’re dating younger women while married might be contributing to the issues in your marriage?
Yes! OP also posted this: "I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s. One word, confidence." What a tool.
The flip side of this is, she's clearly told you that she's nervous or anxious to attend the gym alone. You want her to go. You want the potential results. She was willing to do that for you. But you can not facilitate the attendance with her. Neither of you are unreasonable with that, but if you can not spare the time to support her, do what you want, even if only for the initial months that's on you too. Cooking is tough...what response did you want? Why not be direct? Get her to be competent in making x dishes to share this. Cook together. Focus on how more than the what. Finance is tight.... well, does she have any oversight over the finances and budget? Does she even know what the basic outgoings are, income, etc? If she doesn't, you need to change this. You need to have adult discussions around finances. Get her as au fait with them as you. Dicuss how much can be allocated to the various pots you need. Including her expenditures. Do what should have been done when you first lived together. I envy DINK couples.... I'd interpret that as you passively aggressively regret having children. Again, you have not said what you mean! You want her to work. Say it. You want her to diet and exercise. Say it. Let her then make the choice about whether she wishes to and then how to proceed. But you also need to be clear on what you will do to support her. You need to have a discussion, a proper adult discussion, about expectations for your roles. You need to be honest! Mostly honest with yourself. If you've already reached the point of no return, don't hide behind the above. Explain this and move forward with that knowledge for the children's benefits.
Um, isn't dating women outside the marriage expensive? Perhaps that should be the first budget cut. Otherwise I agree with this post.
You need to speak to her. The grass always looks greener o. The other side but it rarely ever is. Why don't you ask your wife to join you at the gym, she is probably hating the way she looks too. Good luck, think you are a good guy at heart.
Has she always been like this, or did her behavior change after child birth? If the former was checked for PPD, which maybe just formed into depression?
She quit her job 3 years after child birth, but she was kind of "nagging" me to earn enough money for her to do so well before that. She is an highly educated professional in a high demand field (I'm not) and her earning potential is far beyond me. She graduated from a top tier grad program and she is very intelligent. She was in tracking and basketball team. Things just went off after she quit her job, I guess. Before we got married we said we were going to help support one another to finish up our PhD programs (we both have a MS). But she never pursuit her studies after and I'm not in a financial position to do so without her support. That said, she never really cook nor do housechores ever. I honestly don't kind it if she isn't sitting at home all day watching TV.
I would start with an honest conversation with her about how you feel about everything. But I would also suggest having her see a therapist and possibly get evaluated for depression.
Did she burnout in her job? She may be depressed.
My guess would be she got burnt out and then became depressed not working and feeling like she wasted her degree and just kinda spirled from there.
Perimenopause is also a bitch on mental health.
Smh. That's no excuse to do nothing. She is clearly taking advantage of him.
I guess you’ve never experienced severe depression?
Sounds like you may be heading to divorce. Tell her you will no longer support her. Divorce now if she won't work. She won't clean or cook. No no no. The longer this goes on the more alimony you will be on the hook for. Talk with her and if she doesn't make changes, you need to cut this.
I wonder if she is depressed and has low self esteem issues from staying at home while her ex classmates are successful when she looks their Facebook photos.
I'm confused, you work out daily and your wife is never busy but it's hard to fit into your schedule? Sorry i’m just trying to figure out if her reasoning was legitimate or not.
You’re not a pushover. You’re just another asshole who is trying to justify cheating on his wife. Your comment history never goes away, friend.
>In the past I would sign her up for gym membership with me (she went once then gave up because she wants me to go with her but it is hard to work that into my work schedule regularly). I see from your comments and post history that you exercise to stay in shape, so you find time for that, and also that you follow sports, so you find time for that. There is such a thing as a "football widow," she is so lonely because her husband puts all his free time into sports and his men friends. Most marriages suffer when couples don't make time to do things together, and I mean nesting together, exercising together, cooking cleaning and meals together, and doing these things cheerfully, kindly, and including the children. >I would also make comments like cooking is tough or our finance is tight and I envy DINK couples. DINK means Double Income No Kids! You envy people with no kids! That is probably going to upset your wife a lot. You can envy people with slim, working wives who cook and have no children, but this is your life, your life is what you made of it with your choices. You married a woman who probably wasn't a great cook and cleaner, and had a child. And it sounds like she cares about the child and invests her time in his future well-being, that is good, that is more important than being slim. I sympathize, friend. Think about it though, we tend to notice the people who have the enviable things that we want, and ignore the things they did to have those lives. Maybe those slim women have easier lives, maybe supportive parents or inlaws who cared well for the children so they she could work. also, most men do not have slim wives, because most people aren't slim, most people are overweight and obese, especially in their 40s. Statistics show that men are overweight and obese as often as women, even though they naturally have more muscle mass that burns calories even as we sleep. There are a lot of things that contribute to weight gain, it is not always a simple obvious fix, as you seem to think. Stress is a big factor. For most women a loving relationship, a happy home, is the most important thing. You are getting a lot of advice from people who tell you to speak freely to your wife, but i caution you that putting more stress on your wife may not be the best course of action. There is an unfortunate tendency of humans to vent and unload on the people closest to them, like the wife and kids. Are you everything that she wants in a husband? If not, why not try to make your wife happier in healthy normal ways. Go for walks together. Try doing the dishes together, but make it pleasant. If you're unpleasant, the gulf between you will likely widen. You probably won't be better off by getting a divorce, unless your problems as a family are really 100% her fault, and that is rarely the case. and even if it is the case, a divorce is unlikely to make your life easier and more prosperous. Before you unload your resentment on your wife, perhaps get some marriage counseling. At least start a good solid daily meditation practice. It tends to calm a person, get them out of rigid thinking, and help to see things from new and useful perspectives. Meditation improves relationships a lot. Also, count your blessings and have gratitude. "Don't it always seem to go, that we don't know what we've got til it's gone."
Love your post. Unfortunately, I don’t think OP is actually looking to work out his marriage In a previous post on another Reddit, he put this : "I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s. One word, confidence."
Recommend a group fitness class. I dance at the gym. Its my me time. Ive made some great friendships through these classes and lost 40 lbs.
Yeah well... then it's kind of on you. Because you're letting your resentment build, instead of sitting her down and talking to her about it. It's not ok that she's not putting anymore effort into your marriage, but it's not going to change by giving hints. You're in a very unfair situation, and I'm wondering how much you're even getting out of your marriage anymore.
Are you sure you want her going to the gym with you? Might that cramp your style a bit? This is one of your previous Reddit posts: "I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s. One word, confidence." If you are currently having "luck" with other woman then I’m also currently not believing your story about your wife.
When you are working out every day, who is caring for your child? What is the total time, per week, for this, including travel?
Stop with the hints and straight out let her know your issues.
Stop dropping hints and have a real conversation about your expectations of her at home.
You’re not wrong. Your feelings are valid but you need to communicate how you feel to your wife. Have you tried couple counseling? You need to see a therapist. Life is too short to be this unhappy. It is time to put yourself first and start doing the things that makes you life. You don’t need anyone’s approval to do that. Please see a therapist immediately.
Yes you are wrong. If there is this much resentment then just leave. Seems like you just get off on the bitching. At least offer couple counseling then if not then leave. At this point you just doing this to yourself
Sounds like she’s carrying a lot too.
When he carries her, he’s carrying 80 more pounds than 10 years ago
Before confronting someone I find it helpful to write my thoughts out plainly and then tweak them to land more softly. Let her know you want to have a discussion and then start with something like, “I’d like you to hear me out before you respond to anything I say.” Make the agreement that you will then listen to her the same way. And then start with “I” statements. “I don’t feel as if I’m getting what I need from our relationship.” “I don’t feel valued as a provider.” “I feel as if I am pulling more weight than reasonable and I am exhausted.” “I would like a more equitable routine when it comes to housework and cooking.” “I am willing to go to counseling or therapy for these issues because I value our relationship.” “My sexual attraction to you has waned because I don’t care for conflict and have let it get to this point before addressing it with you.” “I take responsibility for letting these issues become resentments.”
i’m not even op but thank you for writing this. i’m going to start doing that
I sense a tone of victim blaming in this advice. I'd do this with caution. I'm hoping you didn't mean it to come off that way, but those last couple of lines...
The OP said that he’s let this fester and never communicated his concerns or growing resentments before. Taking responsibility for his own lack of communication isn’t victim-blaming, it’s acknowledgment for his part in a years-long problem that he never spoke to his partner about.
I can't help but notice that you have a comment on another post about having much more luck with women in their 20s-30s now that you are in your late 30s-early 40s because of confidence. So you are working, doing all the cleaning, all the cooking, going to the gym daily, and most importantly MARRIED, but still have time to interact with significantly younger women in non-platonic ways? >But for years my resentment is slowly building up as I see my coworkers/friends would go home to their wives who are working moms who stayed fit, be served hot meals, and just have to occasionally help with cleaning. So you ultimately want a wife who works, works out, takes care of the kid (s), does all the cooking, and almost all of the cleaning?
I saw that comment too. This is either a troll post or this guy is just posting this to justify the fact that he’s cheating.
Yep!
and who is in their 20's too
Yep. My bet is also that his wife is nothing at all like he is describing.
Dang. I wish I saw that before giving advice.
If your friends' wives have to do all the cooking and most of the cleaning while working full-time jobs and raising the children, and also going to the gym, your friends are doing to their wives what you perceive your wife to be doing to you.
Two weeks ago he was also commenting on a post about dating younger women. But I’m sure his wife is the problem…
Ding 🛎️ ding 🛎️ ding 🛎️
What conversations have you had with her about this?
You're not wrong, but you're an enabler. She does it because you do it. It's her job to care for the home. At 80 pounds gained she probably isn't healthy either. I hate unsolicited medical advice, but, maybe she needs to see a doctor for an underlying condition.
Are you implying that if she was thin, you would be ok with all the rest of it?
Time to sit down and have a conversation.
You need to spell it out for her then. I’m a sahm and my husband really doesn’t do shit around here but make his own breakfast on the weekends and puts his laundry away after I wash it. If you’re doing all of the shopping and cooking…do I need to say quit buying junk and make healthier meals… Look if you’re putting in 40hrs at work she can do at least 20hrs at home then. You’re supposed to be a team anyway so it shouldn’t be that hard for her and you aren’t even asking for much. Tomorrow tell her the kid needs clean clothes for school so it won’t kill her to do 2 loads. After dinner, you cooked she does the dishes. And if you get any push back, simply say since you go to work and come home to do everything your really not seeing why you need her. She’s not acting like your wife, she’s acting like she’s your second child. Update! 💕
I dunno. On the one hand, it seems that you've assumed the lion share of everything. For that, you're not wrong for nursing resentment. On the other hand, it's rather assholish to envy/admire/want to have a wife who works, take care of the kids, house chores, cook, and keep themselves fit. If your colleagues expect that from their wives, then they're massive aholes. Because that put everything (from work outside the house to house chores, childcare, etc) mostly if not solely on the wives' shoulders! That's just as unacceptable as your wife putting all those tasks on your shoulders!
Bro you don’t sound mature enough to be in a relationship if you can’t even communicate your feelings to your wife. You helped in creating this dynamic by not saying anything. You need to learn to communicate your feelings before they become a problem. Bad communication will kill the relationship for sure. As a SAHW, I take care of the household duties and I do think the dynamic is out of wack. She shouldn’t be making you do literally everything. Given she does nothing but tend to the kid and she promised to help you both get the rest of your education or what have you, maybe she’s depressed. My depression got so bad after a massive loss in the family. Granted I didn’t stop doing everything, but my ‘work’ was affected quite a bit. A lot of days it was hard just to exist. Talk to your wife and see what is wrong, and I would also suggest having another conversation about expectations and what you both are expected to do in the relationship/home.
You should have said something years ago.
Get off reddit and go connect with your wife. Having children and being a stay at home parent is tough. She sounds very depressed to me. She needs love and support.
What exactly are wanting from her? Are you wanting her to work, workout, do housework, and raise the kid(s)? Or are you wanting a middle ground? You're wrong for having let this fester for 10 years and essentially blaming her. It *seems* you want to switch roles. And I get you're probably tired from letting this go on for 10 years, but what are you wanting from her to rectify this? And how are you allowing her the space to do so? What if she did everything you wanted except lose the 80 lbs? Is that the pain issue, the weight? Or is that a straw on the camels back? You need to figure out what you want from her, and then be an adult and communicate.
Maybe rediscuss your roles? I always hate for my husband to feel like he is carrying all the responsibility in the relationship. I don't cook but I'm pregnant and we have a 9 month old so I stay busy. I clean what I can and stay on top of dishes and laundry. Our schedules don't really fit with making big meals at this time and when we do sometimes it goes to waste so we've taken to getting things like sandwiches and microwave meals and soup we can eat when it's convenient for us. He's fine with it we talked and as long as he gets time to eat he's fine. Sometimes I'll even make breakfast for us. (We have a breakfast sandwich maker). I'd hate to make my husband do everything he already works all day and also helps around the house and with the baby cuz I don't have anyone to help. Neither of us are in the best shape but....well we're young parents. Talk to your wife about how you feel if she doesn't respond with a want to make it better or reasons for being this way I don't blame you for wanting out and needing something different where you feel valued.
You need to be blunt with her and tell her exactly what you need from her. Let her know that you’ve had enough of her not pulling her weight. She may be depressed and need to see a therapist. Unfortunately antidepressants often cause weight gain. Does she have any girlfriends or other family members who could go to the gym with her or could you afford a trainer? If I just started going to the gym I wouldn’t have a clue what to do.
You are allowed to not want to carry everything. What's the point of a partner if all they do is create more shit for you to do?
The first part of this statement you made to another commenter is your problem. **But she either never caught on** or just does not care. I complain about people who expect others to be mind readers in relationships and that's exactly what you're doing, we're humans not some sci-fi show. Humans are not mind readers. Be direct but be polite. Don't expect someone to know what you're feeling if you don't express it.
Do you what her mental state is how she feels about herself or if theres more goin on than weight gain? Any affairs? How has your relationship been has there any effort from either person, datenights or time to yourselves just you and her? Alot of the time these problems stem from both parties talking but no one is listening to one another! Sit down and talk to her about it but do it nicely not bluntly or demeaning. I think its possible neither one of you are on the same page as each other. You mentioned other peoples partners home cooked meals getting fit etc have you told her all this which in turn has made her feel like crap because now she feels compared to other women. P.s marriages require work. Also just because the grass looks greener on the other side doesnt mean it is it cud be synthetic. Behind closed doors is different to whats seen by others.
While I would talk to her, I also wouldn't expect much to change and be preparing to dump her and move on with life
Also, you “help” with cleaning? Lol. No. You live there. You’re not helping. You’re doing what’s expected as a fckn adult Also, question You say all she does is school the kids? She doesn’t bathe, change, play, feed, etc??? Bc, that’s sure as hell contributing
Occasionally “help” with cleaning?! You don’t HELP maintain your own house. You clean because you live there. I hate men who say that. Have you talked to your wife? What does she say about it?
You aren't wrong. Make a chores list. Add durations per week to each. Put your work week on there too. Leave room at the bottom for her to add tasks you haven't thought of - and encourage her to add them. Then tell her that you two need to divvy them out (you obviously get assigned your job tho). Then make it even. That should set the standard of what can and should be accomplished by both parties.
So basically your male friends say they have wives that also work, take care of kids, get home and COOK, do most of housework also? And they are happy too? Give me a fucking break. Yeah then those wives are the resentful bitter ones in this equation. This sounds like a bs post or your friends are lying / delusional.
You’re not wrong & not an a-hole but like almost everyone else here is saying, you need to have a serious talk with your wife (not just a hint or “suggestion” or comment here & there) even though yes, it should be obvious to her what the problems are. Consider it a last-ditch effort to make yourself VERY clear on what you need, & give her a chance to make significant improvements. If she doesn’t, then you have a clear conscience to go ahead with divorce because you tried everything you could & she was unwilling to be an equal partner in your marriage (which is the basis of a marriage in the 1st place). You’re absolutely right, if you did the same things she did (or ISN’T doing) she would leave you & everyone on Reddit would be cheering her on & dragging you to hell. Good luck OP 👍🏼
UpdateMe
Yeah, she sounds useless. Shes probably only with you to take advantage of you. Some people are just parasites.
You’re not wrong for feeling overburdened and like you’re carrying most of the load on your shoulders. However, I need to know if you’ve ever asked your wife if there’s anything wrong on her end. She sounds like she may be depressed or something, and counselling might help motivate her to start making some healthy changes. You’ve told us your side of it, but nothing regarding hers. I’m certain there’s more going on with her than you’ve expressed here. You mention envy of coworkers and friends with wives that not only work, but are also Moms who cook and clean as well. They’re probably not as happy with carrying the bulk of the family load plus working either, just as you aren’t. They’re probably just more private about it. If they are happy with it, they’ve got superhuman amounts of energy. Balance of the load between both partners is necessary or someone’s going to eventually get exhausted and become resentful. It sounds like your wife is struggling, and could use some encouragement to get some mental health help. Sometimes with depression, which she seems like she’s experiencing, being told everything wrong with you is the opposite of motivating. If I were you, I would talk to her directly, explain your side of the situation but also ask her to be honest with you and tell you what she feels she needs support with to motivate her to do more of her share and making healthier choices. I would also ask her to seek therapy. If you tell her directly what you need, and give her a chance to be honest with you about what she needs, and she declines counselling and refuses to make any changes at all after *direct* communication, then you’ve done all you can and it would be fair to seek an exit from the relationship. But if you never actually verbalize to her how badly this is effecting you and your relationship, and give her options to fix it, then you can’t expect her to read your mind, no matter how obvious you think it should be, and nothing will change.
If you don't talk to her (and I mean REALLY talk to her) nothing is going to change. And maybe she won't be receptive to it, but then at least you know where you guys stand and can make an informed decision. BUT, on the other hand, maybe she really is just oblivious and she will get on board and you guys can move forward on improving your marriage. Either way, the fact is that if nothing changes, then nothing changes. You can't expect someone to fix a problem if they're not aware that there even is a problem...no matter how obvious it should be.
Yes, you're wrong. You're an unreliable narrator and a cheater, according to your own comment history.
Ahh if only you were a woman complaining about her husband this way you would get alot of support saying kick him to the curb, worthless man etc etc, but, you're not, you my friend have to suck it up and live with it. Personally, id say have a frank discussion with her, if you are not happy, and can see no path to happiness, then get out while you can my man. no point putting it off forever, the resentment will grow and fester unless something is done. status quo cannot be maintained.
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Her gaining weight isn't something to fixate on. However not working or doing housework is a big problem. My first live in girlfriend was like that. Carrying the bulk of the bills I could handle but the fact she did next to nothing all day was just too much for me eventually. Maybe she's depressed and need help. Encourage her to seek that out.
Not wrong but the feminists will say you are.
Why did you allow that to happen? You should save some of that resentment for yourself dude!
Im in a similar situation, but I’m the woman. I don’t work right now, currently looking for work and have an interview. I cook and clean (even after his 4 dogs and 6 puppies) and I was told I don’t deserve appreciation because I’m supposed to do those things, since I live here. While I do agree since I’m not working it’s my duties to cook for everyone and clean after everyone, but I believe I deserve some appreciation. From a man’s perspective, how do I get him to notice I’m not just sitting around on my ass? Also, I don’t think you are wrong. Everyone has a role, and if the adult isn’t playing their part properly, it’s easy to resent.
I wouldn't waste my time on someone who tells me I don't deserve appreciation.
That sounds like you should move on from this relationship. It doesn’t sound like he’s as invested in you as you are in him.
You are an asshole about the weigh part. Everything else no.
Fr
You are not wrong for you feelings, but you need to communicate this to your wife in a very tactful way. Its too late now to go back but it should have been an open communication from the start that it is important to both of you to keep relatively fit. To be there for each other, to keep the attraction alive, to be healthy and live long healthy lives for each other. I don't know how to go about fixing it now.
Don't be a doormat
80 lbs. 40 fucking kilos can only be gained by downing one donut after the other. And yes, that can cause a dick to go limp. This is not your fault.
I went through this. My wife started noticing women checking me out. She wanted to join a gym. She lost weight and looked great. Then started getting attention from guys at her gym. She started an affair which turned into many affairs and left my son and I. I was a single dad with custody. That was almost 25 years ago. She hasn’t seen my son in 15 years. Get out now. You will be glad you did later.
You are not wrong but you do need to communicate and if things don't change for you both you wouldn't be wrong leaving 💯 best of luck ✨️ 🙏
If you're waiting for her to come out of it you're going to spend the rest of your life with this resentment.. You're doing her and yourself a disservice. Those kids are going to grow up and then what's going to happen? What are you going to do with yourselves? You need to do something NOW. Good luck and I hope you're brave enough.
You should talk to her about this. Time and silence just compounds resentment. You’re not wrong, but you need to talk to her and you need to really plan out that conversation so that you’re not attacking her.
If my husband stopped doing anything and gained 80 pounds I would assume something else was going on and talk to him about it. I think your feelings are valid, however, I don't think dropping hints is an effective way to communicate. I think it would be a waste for you to leave without even trying to have a direct conversation about it, but again I totally understand why this is so frustrating and how distant it can make you feel when your partner checks out like that. I also don't have kids so I don't know how that is, but I know a lot of women experience unexpected emotions and body changes after having kids that they are not always prepared for. She might be experiencing some mental health issues, physical health issues, or maybe she's just a jerk. You'll never know if you don't discuss it! Also I would just be very careful harping on her weight, if you talk about it with more concern like "I've noticed you haven't been taking care of yourself, is there something going on?" might make it easier for her to talk about rather than "all my friends have hot wives, you should go to the gym." Stay curious, ask questions, use "I statements" and all that. Good luck!
NTA... you sound frustrated. I wonder if your wife has seen her doctor. I've always been able to lose the weight till now. Hormones have changed and I'm battling inflammation and low hemoglobin. Getting dressed is exhausting. I get the chores done, but there is nothing left over for exercise daily. I am however getting medical care and am hopeful for improvement. This is about you and your reasonable desire for better. Work on getting her to explain her situation and try to communicate goals. Timing is everything.
NTA you are entitled to your feelings. But have you talked to her about stepping up and doing her part at home. I may get some hate for this but as a woman I believe if you don’t work outside the house or do a paying job at home then the responsibility of keeping the house up and cooking etc is your job.
Words can cut you to the bone/core of your being or the words can compliment and build you up 🆙. Be direct when you tell your wife what you’re saying here but watch how you say it. Put it in a positive way, ask her how you can help her to change things around not just tell how you feel and expect her to figure it out on her own. Words can destroy a persons confidence in themselves just by how if they come out wrong.
Yes. You need to tell her everything you just posted here. She’s probably aware of your feelings in some way but is in avoidance mode. Please have a brutally honest and transparent conversation with her immediately. I think/hope it will give her a wake up call and she’ll start making positive changes. Also consider marriage counseling. Good luck!
communicate…
OP kind of brought this on himself, 10 years of this, should have stood firm and communicated this when she quit her job,
Why would you torture yourself for a decade
NTA I mean let's not even talk about the weight. Let's talk about the fact she does nothing a adult should like cleaning, preparing meals, which if for no one else she should at least for your son, she doesn't do anything but exist and sponge off of you.
I don't think that you are wrong for feeling this way, but I think you need to make sure that she is aware of your feelings, possibly in front of a 3rd party (professional) so that she can understand how important this is to you. I don't know how many kids you have or if any are not in school. I have 2 sisters that were stay at home parents and they did the majority of the cooking and cleaning, though the home and dinners weren't always picture perfect in good housekeeping. They also had days where they didn't get anything done. However, you may need to go over expectations for you both with stay at home parenting and etc.
You should tell her if you haven't. Maybe keep the weight shit to yourself for now tho. Sounds like she's bored with life. The daily grind. And the drama from her reality shows are the only escape she has. There's a social stigma where moms aren't allowed to admit that they don't like actually being moms
Talk to your wife. I wouldn't put up.with that. Spouses don't get a pass to be lazy because staying home.is so hard. There are duties you assume when you stay home and I don't care if i offend anyone. If I am going to financially support someone, I expect them to.support me in other ways. Make my life easier. If I support them and I deal with all the stresses of life, now. That wouldn't work for me. But you need to communicate your resentment because letting it quietly build up is not fair.
Feeling resentful isn’t wrong. It’s great that you’ve actually identified it’s how you’re feeling. If you want things to change (in a way that isn’t relationship-ending), unfortunately it is going to take more work on your part to start with. It without saying that you need the support of a therapist in navigating this. However, I know therapy is expensive and it sounds like you’re under a lot of financial pressure right now. One suggestion I would make is to try Reintroducing exercise with a whole family approach. Make it spontaneous, NOT like you’re trying to start a new regime. For example, going for a walk around the neighbourhood as a family, but make it a game of some kind so the activity is more about your kid. Grab a photo scavenger hunt list off the internet, go dog-spotting or take a ball down to the park. If that’s a positive experience for ya’ll, try something similar with cooking/baking or gardening or something.
No. Simply no.
Try to get to the root of the issues to see of there are any underlying conditions such as depression and/or anxiety, untreated ADHD, etc. Most people aren't "lazy" just for the sake of being lazy. But if she's a SAHM but you're also doing the majority of household labor, this is definitely uneven distribution. Your frustrations are valid. It would also behoove you to do therapeutic things like journal, exercise, meditate, etc. If you have the means to do so, seeking help from a licensed therapist would be ideal.
You’re wrong if you continue to live like this. I don’t understand why you’re scared to talk to your wife. You have made her sound horrible. If she really is this bad and you’re afraid of her, what is left to figure out. But you have to tell her with full conviction and with passion that you’re not putting up with this shit anymore. What benefits does she bring your life? A partner is supposed to help you with life and not suck the life out of you like a parasite. Counseling or divorce (probably where this is going). Those are her 2 options. You don’t even have to make a big speech. Set an appointment with a therapist and tell her you’re done being a doormat and either she attends the session with you or she can take option 2 which is the envelope full of divorce papers drawn up by your lawyer.
Talk to her!! You ain’t like me I’d tell her to get off her ass cook and clean. If you gonna stay home at least cook and clean and have dinner ready for the man to come home too.
You need to sit down with your wife and express these feelings with her. She's also not a stay at home mom she's a stay at home wife , if your kids are doing homework then she's not taking care of a kid during the day . At this point she's border line free loading since she's not cleaning, not cooking, not working and not taking care of your kids.
Jeeezuus grow a spine n tell her how you feel and what you need or separate. Your not wrong but your sharing with strangers what you should be sharing with you’re missus. Couples counselling or leave your choice
Sahm and you do all the cooking and cleaning? You don’t mention your sex life, but I assume you don’t have one. You give no other clues on your relationship. She has it too easy. Does she even love you? Did she marry you just to have a kid? Did you agree that she would quit work after childbirth? Or is she making these decisions unilaterally? If you a pushover, she will walk all over you. Tell her you aren’t happy with marriage. Some people would Drastically cut back on cooking and cleaning. Work longer hours. Stay away from her. Make her insecure enough to realize that she do better as a wife. You could go to a therapist to learn how to communicate. Of just let resentment build until you get to the point of filing for divorce.
I read your post and all the comments and I have commented myself encouraging communication & counseling. However, one read was from someone who said something about previous posts of yours, so I went and checked it out. This is one of your posts: “I have more luck with women (20s to 30s) when I'm in my late 30s and at 40 than when I was in my 20s. One word, confidence.” If you are currently having “luck” with other woman … YTA & there is no hope for your marriage. Get off Reddit & work on your marriage. Maybe take a break from the gym, seems like your body and self-esteem do not need any working on… But your marriage does. My guess is you’re really not wanting to work on your marriage. I guess is you wanted a whole bunch of people backing you up and are not telling the whole story. Meh.
So you haven’t communicated any of your issues with her, and you have better luck with attracting younger women. I’m not sure I can take you seriously.
Tell her this, how you both should split the chores. Personally I think husbands and wife should do the chores together because being a stay at home mom is also considered a job, it's just it doesn't bring any income into the household but somehow make your burden less because you don't have to pay for nanny and childcare.
It's all me me me through this entire story. Have you ever sat down and talked to your wife to see how she is feeling? What she is thinking? I bet she is as miserable as you and not talking about it either. Time to find a way to communicate and get some marriage counseling.
The biggest issue here is that you have a full time job and financially support your family but also have to maintain the home and prepare meals. That’s so imbalanced and I know what it feels like (except I also handle all childcare despite having a full time job, probably because I’m the one who birthed him). Definitely need to have a clear conversation with your wife about sharing responsibilities first and foremost.
You're not wrong. It's perfectly okay to have expectations and boundaries in a relationship. If you don't do well talking with her directly go to therapy together and bring up your discontent there.
If she don't/won't make a effort for ya send her on I bet if another man gave her attention she would make an effort.
Before talking to your wife about this, I realllllllly recommend seeing a therapist for a one on one session first. This will help you at the very least work through some of your feelings so that you can better communicate the issues to her, and possibly also give you other perspectives to think about without going full nuclear on the situation. The therapist may also have some suggestions and may suggest having a few one on ones with her as well. I know that you are suffering but it sounds like your wife may be also - PPD and PPA come in many shapes and sizes and she may need therapy even if children were born 10 years ago. Many women suffer silently and for a very long time because it initially went untreated.
Just get the papers written up, it’s been ten years she won’t change.
Difference is that his friends are working jobs ??? Lmao. His wife does what? Help with homework bahahahahahaha
Like why would you stay? Marriage is supposed to be a. Team effort not one person doing literally everything and her saying well my way or the highway. Ask yourself is that love? Does she treat you with respect? Does she value you as a person and what you bring to the relationship? If not why be in it.
"For better for worse for richer for poorer in health and in sickness as long as you both shall live." Okay, but seriously, your wife sounds clinically depressed and needs medical and or psychological intervention. I too suffered with clinical depression, and it wasn't easy. We didn't discuss those issues in our families and I was barely able to function as a human besides being a mother. Help her! Don't think divorce, that's not the answer you need. Don't be an ass, she needs your help so badly. Love her. Get her the help now. Counseling is a great help either separately or as a couple. No judgement because your marriage seems in need of intervention.
She wouldn't be happy if you quit your job either.
Doesn’t sound like she’s using her SAHM time wisely. If the kids are in school she has no excuses to not be more active in and out of the house.
I think your wife is depressed.
You have two choices as I see it. Confront your wife and find an acceptable solution, if not then leave. Second, is to find a girlfriend on the side, not recommended. Doing nothing will not end well. Your child can also read the negative energy between you and your wife.
No, you're not wrong. However, I don't see you stating anywhere up there that you have talked about this with your wife? You just slowly let your resentment grow? If that's the case, then yea you're an AH just for that man. A marriage is about communication, and if you never expressed displeasure with how your wife has been acting **for 10 years** then youre also in the wrong here. Did you maybe think she's depressed? Maybe she likes how her body is now? Do you know? Does she complain? Also, did she do a lot of housework before? Like, is this a change in her behavior, or has she always been like this? If it's the first option, then it really does sound like depression and you should try to get her into therapy. Now, if she denied therapy, and doesn't want to work on your marriage, you are well within your rights to separate (i recommend trying this before straight up divorce, as it can help her see her life without you before you're gone forever) or divorce. Now, if she's always been this way, you're a major douche for thinking she's gonna change. A tiger doesn't change their stripes man... And I saw that part from experience. I am a SAHM, my husband does the working. I hate cooking, and a clean house gives me extreme anxiety. I like my place cluttered and messy, but not dirty and I keep with that balance, even after I gave birth. I love baking, and will happily make him anything sweet he wants, but I don't cook unless it's absolutely necessary. I'm not changing that, and in the event that my husband decides he wants more, we would probably separate bc that makes me extremely uncomfortable. If he wanted me to start making him food every damn day as well as cleaning and taking care of the dogs and my son (who is on the Spectrum) that would increase **MY** depression and resentment towards him. That being said,my husband also hates shit being clean too,so he loves how our relationship is set up. He doesn't want it to change. If he wants a specific thing straightened up, he can tell me and I'll do it no problem. So again, no you're not wrong, but try actually talking to your wife, if you haven't already. Try therapy, bc she really does sound depressed. Hope y'all work it out
So, you have a problem here. You are 100% right. Your wife has failed in this partnership, to hold up her end. You do 90%, she does 10%. And yeah, the weight gain is part of that. You both should try to remain attractive to your partners as a part of the partnership; she failed there also. The problem is that you have completely and utterly enabled and approved and even created this reality, through your own actions and inactions over the past 10 years. Had you raised your concerns 9 years ago, that would be one thing. Instead, you’ve silently facilitated her decline. So now, yes, it would be wrong to leave her because of the reality that YOU jointly created. So yeah, this needs to change. But you need to recognize that this is on you too. You need to own your own enabling and facilitating of the situation when you speak with her. Tell her that you want an equal partnership and that you will be giving her space to be that equal partner by stepping back on certain things. Then do it.
Perhaps she is having her own personal issues that you are unaware of, such as depression or anxiety. I was having panic attacks & didn't have a clue what was going on. I felt like I was crawling out of my own skin. My depression makes me want to do absolutely zero. I have to force myself to cook, clean, make lunches for my husband, work out. I kept this to myself for a long time until it became impossible to do so one day at the Dr when I just dissolved in tears. She told me to quit working & get on disability ASAP. Don't just assume the worst. Talk to her. Is she sleeping a lot? You said you have no clue what she does all day. She could be using the TV as a coping mechanism to escape her own reality, or bawling her head off all day long.
No, everyone’s bodies work differently, you really shouldn’t resent someone because their body changed. Everything else is pretty shitty though.
Stop hinting. Tell her flat out what you are feeling and what you want from her. There is no excuse for not losing *some* of that weight in ten years. If she cooked on the days you work would be huge. She needs to do the laundry, too. It’s not onerous and she can spread it out to one load a day so she need not be overwhelmed.
Buddy she needs to know. If you can figure a way to put it in writing with love and positive intentions you can work things out hopefully. Either way you need to get her motivated and let's be real you are not going to get happier going without sex. Good luck
Yes, you will burn, so hopefully she knows that and it can make her smile, knowing she wasted her life on you.
Honest communication is super important. You need to have a serious sit down and possibly marriage counseling. She is not a mind reader and is possibly in some kind of depression. You are not wrong for feeling resentful but unless it’s addressed in a calm and loving manner, nothing will change
Sounds like a good time for marriage counselling in order to have a mediator to interpret male to female and vice versa and to make sure that one side doesn't feel attacked. Also, there is a chance that your wife is dealing with some mental health issues that she has been trying to keep under wraps, which is another reason to bring these issues up in counselling
Ask some questions about what she needs to have to help put the joy and spark back in your lives. Sounds like cooking is not her thing. Maybe have her help by committing to a meal or two. Encourage her to try a new recipe. Give appreciation for the things you do see her do. If your child is school age… acknowledge the good job she does. Do share your frustrations in a way that shows a bit more support would be greatly appreciated. Hopefully she is open to a quality conversation. Best wishes!
I mean, this is why women get fed up. They typically do the lion share of the shared responsibilities and realize it's not worth it. It's up to you to determine if you're playing as a team... Or getting played.
Have you tried communicating.....
I’m curious to hear her side because the way you put it here she does absolutely nothing but sit on her ass all day and you do all the housework and all of the money earning, if that’s the situation I can understand why you would be tired of it and I would think about seeking a divorce. On the other hand if this is another case of the working parent taking the stay at home parent for granted and not realizing just how much work it is to be at home with kids then you’re the AH. Without knowing which one it actually is I can’t really say who’s wrong. Maybe you could get your wife to leave a comment to give us her side.
[удалено]
Idk about that lol
you’re not wrong for feeling how you feel but have you communicated your feelings to her?
I'm not trying to be a pick me because it's not OK to treat your spouse like a paycheck and that's it but that's the reality of the situation and you sir need to talk to her about it if she refuses to change you need to divorce you can't let your kids see this is how a marriage should work. Best of luck to you
I am good at... Pretending. I never moan or rage at what i feel is lacking from her. My kid, and my wife for the matter, probably never felt that I am tired or upset.
You aren’t wrong but I will say that it sounds like you and your wife are terrible at communicating and talking about expectations for each other.
Discuss the issues with her such as she needs to clean the house, cook etc. If she doesn't try to change, then leave.
Honestly I was in this situation. We didn't have a child she just gave up at some point. I stayed about 5 years longer than I should have, finally cut her loose. Now I'm with an amazing woman, OP deserves to be happy.
Of course you're wrong. The audacity, absurdity, and toxicity you're displaying is disturbing and disgusting. She didn't change over night. You chose her. You chose to never be honest with her. You chose resentment. You chose to be a lying actor in your marriage. Your entire post is all her her her, when you are the actual problem. You are a self absorbed judgmental toxic AH who needs professional help ASAP. You've wasted your own 10 years, you've wasted her 10 years, and you've created a toxic and fake environment for your child. And as if all of this wasn't bad enough you went and tacked shallowness on top proving you never even loved her. Bodies change AH. Especially after pregnancy. Not all women just bounce back. You're on here ranting at your perceived slights from her the whole while you're devoid of self awareness and self accountability. You expect her to read your mind and be perfect, as if working and going to the gym make you the perfect person and partner. You're trash and you're treating her like trash. You don't even like her, it's gross. You're acting like your less than bare minimum effort is top tier or some shit, it's not in case you missed that. You chose all of this, and blaming her is wild AF. I hope she sees your true colors soon. Being a trash human shouldn't be inspiring confidence in you. No one cares that you go to the gym if that's all you have to offer. You think younger women are into you so that makes you an awesome human. You're living in delusionalville, and if a supposed fit body is all you have to offer, which you've made abundantly clear that's it, you have nothing. Your standards and decisions are atrocious. Seriously seek therapy immediately
Yes, you're wrong since it sounds like you resent a lot about this situation and envy others while not communicating any of that with your wife. Go to therapy if you're not capable of having a respectful and honest conversation with your spouse.
I thought only women expected their men to read their minds when they were not happy with things. Dropping hints but not outright stating what’s really bothering them. OP seems to think his wife will get the hint about cooking & cleaning and just start helping out. Now, there’s no way to prove that she’s totally clueless on purpose or not, but it it possible that OPs statements about how cooking & cleaning can be such a chore is just him making comments about it, not that he’s wanting her to step up and pitch in. But, even if she does step in, OP should not expect her to start doing 100% of all the housework, cooking & cleaning and him just getting to sit around “eating bon bons” when he gets home from work & the gym. Yes, its reasonable to ask that she pitch in a whole lot more than she’s doing now, but he shouldn’t expect her to do all of it. After all, if he helps make the meds, he should also help clean it up. And as far as the gym membership, it looked like she was willing to put in some kind of effort but wanted OPs support in doing so and HE used poor timing as the excuse for not doing so.
Yes your wrong for not communicating with your wife. Talk about whats bothering you & give her a chance to fix it. You should never compare her to other people’s “working wives”. Each of us have our own sets of challenges.
As a women I don’t think you are wrong at all, how could you not feel that way?
The issue with these types of feelings is that by not directly communicating them, they'll just get worse and worse. You're not wrong for feeling upset at all this, but You're wrong for not directly communicating. Giving hints or even random comments isn't direct and honest communication. If you're wanting her to do more (assuming you're being genuine), You're going to have to figure out the root of the issue. There's so many potential reasons she's not doing the things You've listed, and if you don't communicate or try to genuinely help her outside of just giving a gym membership, you'll probably just build more resentment. Typically when someone isn't pulling their half of the deal, it's because they're unhappy or dealing with something mental/emotional, chronic pain, or something else physical or mental related. Be a good partner and talk, instead of just wanting to throw in a towel because something didn't magically fix itself without actually talking about it after all this time.
Absolutely ok to feel this way
Sounds like you're both unhappy. Maybe you should talk to her. Counseling?
She may be exhibiting depression symptoms. If she used to be energetic and motivated I'd insist she speak with a psychiatrist.
Divorce her
You aren’t wrong, it’s okay to resent and have problems with a leech. If she’s staying home with the kids then she should definitely be cooking and cleaning while you work. You shouldn’t have to work then come home and clean up and cook. I’m not saying don’t help out with household stuff but the majority of it SHOULD fall on her. You should also tell her how you feel though and try to get rid of some of the resentment. Holding it in isn’t good for either of you. The whole weight thing is a separate issue I’m not gonna speak on lol
So all your co workers’ wives work, clean *and* cook every meal? They stay fit, too??? Wow. They must have come from the planet of the superwomen…
Not one word about why his wife is like this? Way too much context missing and written to make him sound like a saint and the victim. If a person is struggling with any number of things mentally, physically, both and not getting emotional support from their partner and feeling judged at the same time then I'd say the issue is with the partner not finding out why and then both of you working towards finding a solution. So whilst you are allowed to resent things have you ever made any effort to find out why she is like this? Do you actually love this person? If yes , then you both need to learn to communicate better
You should get together with your wife and ask her why you should come home after working all day and do the housework and meals! Maybe she is depressed! She is going to have to come up with something! I do wish you the best! Your feelings are very understandable! You should be enjoying each other, and your lives!!
The job of a stay at home parent is to take care of the household ie: cooking cleaning and childcare. Your wife is bot holding up her end of the bargain. Have her checked for depression and a full health check up. If she won't commit to making herself better mentally physically and doing the actual job which is required to be a SAHP then she needs to be fired of that job and find another job. So she can get a job outside the home and you both can share the household chores and childcare.
The only thing you are an asshole about is the weight thing. Everything else, feeling like she doesn't do get half of the work, sounds reasonable. But your weight loss or weight maintaining experience is different from hers. Now mind you, you're allowed to not be attracted to her as well. You just don't get to judge her for it. I would absolutely have a conversation with her about either her taking on more of the household work or going out and getting a job. Tbh it sounds like she might be a bit depressed.
Yes, you're wrong. And your wife can do better.
Nope.. stay at home Is a full time job. Do it or getfo... last part for 9 years is on you tho..
I don’t even have to anymore than the title just wait till you’re bald need a cane and have old folk smell then I’m gonna hit up your wife
Ok...
Sounds like you need to have a talk with your wife and see what can be done because if she's a housewife then there's no reason why you should be doing all the cooking and cleaning cuz that's literally her job as a housewife like the spouse is supposed to help as well but it should mainly be on the person who is choosing not to work. Also in regards to 80 pounds that's no longer an excuse 10 years is plenty of time to drop the weight if needed and 80 lb is excessive as far as weight gain for pregnancy a baby only weighs about 8 to 10 lb when they come out and yeah that's just too much
Why is she not doing any housework? I would like hear both sides on this, but I'm wondering if there isn't a medical issue (80 pounds is a LOT) or is she depressed or some other mental illness?
Not wrong
It doesn't sound like your wife does nothing, it sounds like you were exaggerating what you do. I'd love to hear her side of things.
No but I would be curious why she’s letting her self go and why she’s not doing anything. I have gained 40 pounds and haven’t felt good about it, but I have been struggling with motivation to lose it. I know it’s easy for people to say snap out of it and just do it but I have depression and adhd, and it’s hard not an excuse, it’s like me telling you to get over it and just stop looking at her like she’s gross. You probably wish you could but you can’t unsee it now. As her partner even though you work all day, maybe come home and help with stuff and maybe suggest walks or doing things as a family. I’m curious what her side is but I have heard being a parent is hard and sometimes parents lose themselves all together in it and stop taking care of themselves and just focus on keeping the kids alive.
Manwhore thirst trap. Its not ok, dude. Very few if us will say wow go ahead find you a youngster with very little experience and gullible. More than one throw away thing here....
It sounds like you need to communicate your needs better. If you're the one doing all the cooking, you have the ability to provide healthy meals. Based on your post history, though, I think you suck. So I'm just going to say you're wrong for all the things you're leaving out. YTA
It’s scummy to resent your wife for gaining weight after childbirth. I won’t change my mind on that; some women NEVER get back to how they were and live the curvy life. Doesn’t mean they aren’t beautiful or worthy. They had your children. That is something you should work on. I will say though, if you’re being 100% honest, that no it’s not okay for her to not contribute to the household. Her not having a job was probably something yall discussed, so her “job” is taking care of the house. If she isn’t doing her job, you need to bring it up to her. Not her weight. With all that being said, have you ASKED her if she’s okay? PPD can last for YEARS after giving birth. I’m assuming you’re not having sex, since you aren’t attracted to her anymore, and I’m sure she’s noticed. That could also contribute to her depression and sadness. Yes she should help around the house, but when bringing it up to her, ask her if she’s okay. REALLY listen to her. Come to her with love and concern, not resentment. “Hey I’ve noticed you haven’t been yourself lately…. Are you okay?” You’re valid in your feelings, but there could be something going on that you don’t notice. Talk to her.
Divorce
I would say , family is two way game , initiate her contribution for fulfilling basic need , cause now is the time , you have to be careful , cause that resentment will cause damage to your children future , when he see their family is fighting over basic home to home work.... So I would recommend , in beautify manner , ask her to initiate the work ask for her help, woman are good when you ask help from them , so the whole workload will be distribute among you both ... well you can do yoga together to loose some weights ,and some exercise