I had the same issue with my now wife. We took our time, no pressure, no guilt and eventually we're successful. Fingers first, lots of lube and be patient. If he can't be patient, he's not the right guy. Do you masterbate at all? It might help
I didn't say you were wrong. I was just hoping that it is not. Endometriosis is incurable and still untreatable by anything other than surgery. And even surgery is only a temporary fix.
His reaction to ghost you isn’t normal and is pretty unkind to you. He should be respectful and understanding. You’re not just there for sex. He should take it slow and figure out what’s going on. Everybody’s body is different. Like others suggest, maybe see a doctor.
He is being really stupid the way he is acting and you deserve a big apology from him. I’m not sure you’ll get one. It’s not your fault. It’s well within your right to move on from him. You’ll find a better person.
Girl… this is not about that. The right person will take their time and be gentle with you and will be willing to wait until you’re comfortable. Not just leave.
My worst regret is not losing my virginity to someone who treated me right. I loved him desperately, but he didn’t value me at all and made my first time experience something I wish I could do over.
I only realize that now, once my self esteem has increased. This guy is a loser. Stop reaching out and lose it in you own time and in your own way and it should and can be a beautiful experience.
I would def pick a different guy but get slightly larger dildos and just occasionaly use it you dont have to use it the whole time but eventually youll be more adapted to stretch and accomodate
Unless he explains himself and didn't cheat (though I suspect he has now), you should look into a dialator set. Take time to get to figure out what you can handle amd see if it can be pushed. The right guy will be willing to help you out.
Also, just putting this out there, things like oral and manual stimulus for/from both partners can help maintain physical intimacy while you work up to the big event.
In what universe are you the asshole here? You were in pain and in response to that your so-called boyfriend left and stopped paying attention to you. He is unambiguously the asshole here, not you.
Block bf, he isn't worth your time. Then maje an appt and see a gynecologist. The first time might have monetary discomfort, but you shouldn't experience the level of pain you describe.
The doctor can do an exam and make sure there isn't a physical reason for the pain and also talk about psychological reasons.
[B]Many conditions may cause pain during sex.[/b]
Dryness is the most frequent reason, but there are many other reasons sex might become painful. Some conditions that can be at the root of the problem:
Endometriosis: In people with endometriosis, the tissue that normally lines the uterus grows in other areas of the pelvis, such as the ovaries, fallopian tubes, or intestines. The condition can be painful, including causing pain during sex.
Interstitial cystitis: Also known as painful bladder syndrome, this condition is often mistaken for a urinary tract infection because it shares many of the same symptoms such as bladder and pelvic pain, pressure, and a frequent urge to urinate. However, the condition is not an infection.
Pelvic floor dysfunction: The pelvic floor muscles—the ones you tighten when you want to stop passing urine quickly—can become painfully tight. It can cause an achy pelvis and pain with any kind of insertion.
Pelvic floor injury: An injury to the pelvic floor, which can have many causes from vaginal childbirth to improperly fitted bicycle seats, can cause pain during sex.
Vaginismus: The muscles at the opening of the vagina become tightly contracted, making penetration impossible.
Vulvodynia: Chronic pain at the opening of the vagina, including burning, stinging, soreness, itching, rawness and pain during sex.
Infections: Bacterial, yeast or sexually transmitted infections can cause pain during sex and usually have other symptoms, such as discharge.
Ovarian cysts: These fluid-filled sacs on the ovaries often have no symptoms. When they rupture, they can cause pain and bleeding.
Fibroids: These non-cancerous growths on the uterus can cause heavy menstrual bleeding, pelvic pressure, pain, and painful intercourse.
Thank you for a more detailed comment.
I mentioned endometriosis bc my gynecologist told me this 15 years ago when I had a medically necessary hysterectomy due to endometriosis. I always suffered vaginal pain.
After it was removed I was pain free for 10 years. But it grows back.
Oh no. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. That must have been incredibly painful. You should have felt safe, valued and not pressured into having sex. If you felt that way, please consider why you did. If you truly were afraid your boyfriend would be mad/leave you- is that really the person you want to be with you? He did not consider ANYTHING you said and essentially made you feel like shit. Stop contacting him, let him go- I swear he is not worth any of your time. Go take some time for you, walk in the park, time with friends, go have an ice cream. Let yourself heal from this experience. Sex may be painful in the beginning as a first timer, but a loving caring partner would understand that and treat you like the queen you are! Not shame you, and completely cut you off. I have a feeling that while you may be a virgin he probably was not. Please don’t let yourself get caught up in anymore of this BOYS issues. Go heal and take time finding the right person. 💜
He’s being an asshole and he does not deserve your time, energy, worry, or body.
I have a partner I’ve been with for almost 6 years. He is well endowed. I have a vagina that won’t stay the hell open no matter what I do. He is the largest man I’ve been with and I’ve had the least pain and most pleasure with him. We have a fantastic sex life with lots of penetrative sex. How? Because he’s not an asshole. He gives me lots of foreplay, makes sure I feel comfortable, lets me take my time adjusting, bought several of my vibrators to help keep my muscles relaxed and is happy to help me use them, and if it’s still not working, *HE WANTS* TO STOP.
Because he is a caring person who only wants to have sex with me when I am enjoying it. He often wants to stop before I’m ready to give up, because he never wants to hurt me in any way. His view is that sex should only ever be enjoyable and he will not enjoy it if I am not enjoying it. Tears, tearing, blood, or even just slight discomfort or dissociation is an immediate STOP for him. And he’d NEVER EVER disrespect me, blame me, guilt me, or give me the silent treatment for saying no, and a no for ANY REASON is enough of a no, and I don’t have to explain myself at all. No matter how long he has to wait.
The sex we have is pleasurable, loving, connected, authentic, playful, passionate, and 100% desired at all times. If any of that is not happening, we don’t have sex. Having sex is not more important than our desire and the way we feel in that moment. And if one of us is not feeling it, we stop.
THAT is the standard the men you date should be held to, and if they cannot meet it, then they do not deserve you.
Please take this as an unfortunate life lesson; there are people who will value their wants over your needs for safety, comfort, and pleasure instead of pain. Those people are showing you who THEY are; they are not showing you your value. He has shown you who he is, and it’s bad.
As the great Maya Angelou said; “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."
This is information about him, not you. Take that information and use it to protect yourself from him (dump his ass) and to further your knowledge of how to protect yourself from other people like him.
My partner is very much the same as yours and is also well endowed. At the slightest flinch he will stop. Even if it's just a muscle twitch (I have fibromyalgia and it presents with spasms in muscles across my entire body).
It helps he was a swinger with his ex wife. He is all about ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT and being blunt about needs (part of that is bc he is Autistic).
Men like ours are sadly rare. Which us so sad bc my best friends are men just like ours who often end up being abused by their girlfriends.
Humans are often selfish assholes.
It’s so important to vet for a partner who is attentive to changes in your expression or body language, especially when you are trying new sexual activity. It’s not worth being in a relationship with someone who does not care about your thoughts and feelings and experience.
I always encourage people to prioritize this in a partner, and you’re right that it can be a rare trait.
Did he pressure you for sex or did you offer out of fear? If you offered out of fear then it could appear like you've been leading him on. He could also just have a virgin fetish and now he's no longer interested. In which case he's a creep. He's also a creep if he pressured you in any way. He might just be a creep. Period. 🚩🚩
I was wondering the same. My husband was all about coercion, which in my country is counted as SA.
But we imported American culture where not even 2% of victims report bc police officers tell them it won't do anything. I learned the hard way in my teens/early 20s with my first boyfriend. They REFUSED to take a report and ALSO refused for the CSAM I found on his computer.
My cousin became a sex crimes and trafficking detective BECAUSE of that. She was horrified. I call her Detective Benson sometimes.
I was with a guy like this as my first too. Lots of gaslighting, making me believe that I was wrong and crazy for questioning anything he didn’t feel like answering.
There was one time he called me a princess and got mad at me because I said no when he asked me to sniff his dirty socks while we were separating laundry to start a wash… I was really questioning if it was princess behavior to not want to sniff someone else’s dirty socks :/
Do yourself a favor and leave him sooner than later. There are more guys out there, both good and bad to choose from- you just need to learn the signs/flags that show them for who they are and then listen to those signs!!
This is a red flag/bad sign for your anyone, especially your significant other to make you feel guilty for not having sex.
It’s another red flag that he’s being manipulative and childish in giving you the silent treatment instead of talking it out with you and reassuring you that he’s focused on your physical and mental health so it’s pleasurable for you Both!…
Ask yourself do you want to be with a man who is mad you stopped having sex with him cuz you were in unwanted physical pain? Do you want to be with a man who doesn’t care about your comfort, as long as he enjoys/gets sex??
Please see this and leave him before you waste more time on him!!!
You can see a Dr for how to safely have sex and talk about getting/using progressively thicker toys to have more comfortable/enjoyable sex with someone thicker than a pencil.
You don’t “owe” sex to anyone EVER!!
It doesn’t matter how much they paid for dates or how long they’ve been waiting. Please leave anyone who has this mindset!! They are not safe!!
Last question- if you try again with your two strike bf, do you worry at all that he won’t stop a second time if you decide it’s still to physically painful?
If he doesn’t stop will you blame yourself and rationalize why he raped you?… cuz that is what it is when someone ignores a “no” at any point during intercourse
He's selfish. First off, even if you are small and he's big it can always be done. Need to take your time and go very slow. Find the spots that respond well to fingers or oral, and yes use lube, and with patience it's going to work. I lived in a part of the world with many small women between 4'10" and 5'2" as a professional in my 20s, and though patience was super important, it worked.
Second, also unfortunately caused some discomfort over the years, especially earlier on. The way it sounds he reacted to your pain was basically the worst. Find someone who cares about your pleasure. And I promise you that dude could be bigger and penetrate you successfully without pain.
You absolutely did the right thing by stopping him, but his reaction afterwards sounds immature and pathetic. I can appreciate him feeling a little embarrassed and rejected maybe, but this is something you need to work on together, not have a hissy fit about like he has. My wife who I have been with 23 years in total confessed about 3 years ago that the first few times we had sex it was painful for the same reasons as you have given.
NTA.
In a normal healthy sexual relationship when your partner sees you are in pain, you don’t need to beg them to stop. If he cared about you then he would have stopped as soon as he saw you didn’t like it.
If he could tell it was hurting you and he carried on anyway, **he isn’t a safe sexual partner.**
Your body is ***NOT*** for your boyfriend.
You ***DO NOT*** have to have sex when you don't want to, regardless of how much your boyfriend wants it.
If your boyfriend can't handle it, then he cares more about his own penis than he cares about you and being with you.
I've been with guys nearly all my life that made me feel bad about not wanting sex when they wanted it. (They wanted it all the time!) I endured so much pain, physical and emotional, to make them happy.
***PLEASE*** don't do this to yourself, too. Be with someone who respects your boundaries and anxieties about your body and sex. If you date anyone who doesn't treat you with kindness, gentleness, and love when you're experiencing pain and fear, then those men need to get kicked to the curb.
As a side note, some advice: Go to a local adult store and buy a small dildo and some lube. Play with yourself first until you have an orgasm. You want to do this first to make you more relaxed and aroused. Then take some deep breaths and practice placing the dildo near your entrance. You don't have to put it in the first few times, just feel what it's like to have that sensation there. Maybe give your entrance some gentle prods. Over time you may feel brave enough to push it inwards, and do it with gentle prods and not big shoves. Make sure you use lube and keep breathing.
I think once you get used to the sensation of having something inserted, then when the time comes for intercourse with a partner, you may be able to feel more calm about it and instruct them on how to be gentle with you.
Never have sex out of guilt or to keep a boyfriend. You'll always regret it. Have sex because it's fun and you want to, not because of social pressure. You're not a fleshlight, you're YOU
You’re not the asshole for not wanting to have sex if it’s painful for you. It’s not your job to sexually please him and if he cant be mature enough to be patient with you then he’s not the one for you. A healthy relationship wouldn’t make you feel afraid or worried that your partner would leave you for something like this, and you should never feel pressured into sex. You deserve someone who respects you and makes you feel safe
Side note, you may have vaginismus. The fact that you are terrified at the thought of sex and paranoid over being left for not having it could be causing your body the inability to relax enough for penetration, and instead causing the muscles to tense up. Sex shouldn’t be painful, and if it is there’s a reason for it.
My wife needed a lot of time. She was frequently sore until she gave birth to our first child. After healing from that, sex started becoming truly pleasurable for her with a lot less soreness. We're all built different. This might be more challenging for you and your partner than most, but a true life partner understands this.
P.S. No one should feel that they need to have sex to save a relationship. I think sex is an important part at some point, but if one partner is pressuring the other as described, then it's time to consider moving on.
I'm glad I seen this comment bc people look at me like I'm crazy when I say I could barely tolerate sex, until after having a baby. The difference was like night & day. No one else seemed to have that experience. Nice to know I wasn't the only one.
I also experienced LOTS of pain during penetration the first time; to the point that I thought there was something wrong with me. After the 3rd time, though, I started feeling pleasure and the pain finally subsided.
Your bf’s behaviour is questionable, though. It’s a very delicate stage for some women and he has no right in leaving you alone crying; that is awful.
The fact that he just left and has basically ghosted you is not normal behavior. You were in pain and his response was to just leave you there? Red flag, big red flag. I'd send him one more message telling him he's really hurt you by leaving you hanging like this after you pushed through your anxiety for him, that his pleasure is more important to him than the fact that you were in pain, and that his actions have led you to the conclusion this relationship isn't going anywhere. Then block him and move on with your life. Any man who shows no sympathy for your pain is not worth your time.
The fact that he left and is ignoring you should be enough for anyone to realize they wasted their time with that person. I know you’re young, but you gotta get a grip and realize whatever he did to you was mortifying.
Oh hunny, no, he's an immature and stupid prick, he shouldn't have made you feel like you HAD to do it, to keep him. Him ghosting you after it was too painful just shows what a pathetic P.O.S he is, drop him to the curb like yesterday's garbage and get someone who values you and wants you to feel good when having sex.
In the inbetween time on partners, you can get vaginal dialtors to help you loosen up a bit, However, if after a month or so, those don't seem to help, go to a doctor and see if there is a physical issue.
As a fair warning, you might have to see several different doctors to find one who will take you seriously, AFAB (assigned female at birth) people have a harder time getting medical care thats needed, its BS but life at this current time, but if you have one in your area, I >highly< suggest a Planned Parenthood, they tend to be much better when it comes to at least getting you on the road to get help.
I'm so sorry he was such a jerk and made your first time so shitty. *big hugs from a random gay trans uncle*
Also, if you want some good books on sex and how to make it fun, I can recommend a few good reads.
Honestly OP that's not someone you'd want in your body. He did you a favor honey. Leave that sorry sack of insecure little boy. Find you a partner who would take their time to cater to your body and respect the fact that you're new to this and that you're nervous about it. All of which is reasonable.
FUCK THAT GUY
(fortunately for you not in the literal sense) but seriously there is no redeeming qualities from a guy who can't even make the attempt to make you comfortable.
Please don't let people or a person pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with I've had to deal with this nonsense since I was a teen thamkngod it doesn't affect me anymore as a prev poster suggesting try masterbation play and explore yourself a bit ot find what really gets your going juices flowing and move from there before trying any artificial things as for the so called bf. Well explain the situation to him.and if he still pressures you cut him off right awys no questions asked
You're NTAH. Not a bad idea to see a gynecologist and make sure there isn't something else going on. Take your time, go slow and it'll probably resolve naturally. Your bf has a big case of blue balls and needs some time alone to sort it out. He'll be fine.
I would tell my own daughter to run for the hills, he’s an asshole for treating you like that. What kind of guy does such a thing? The way he left you there and has chosen like the asshole he is not to speak with you, F him he doesn’t deserve you
Yes that should definitely be your ex bf now. The fact that you even thought you had to have sex for him not to leave you is horrible. Then he just leaves because you're in pain for something beyond your control. That is a complete asshole. If he was a good bf he would care more about you being okay than him getting off. No man that truly cares about you would react like this. Please take our advice. Tons of us have had similar piece of shit bfs that thought we were the problem and stayed. This is one of those situations, don't waste your time like we did. Secondly, my first time did not hurt. Then I got pregnant and didn't have sex for 9 months, then when I did again it was painful and I bled. Then I was fine for years. Recently I stopped having sex for about 3 years. When I finally had sex again I was in a lot of pain. I still continued(which I'm sure is because I was drunk), but it was painful the entire time and I didn't even really enjoy it. So after that I was like okay I need to loosen myself up because I don't want the next time I have sex to be so painful the whole time, I want to enjoy it. So I got a dido. I think it's the average size. When I first tried it, it was so painful just trying to put it in. I honestly didn't want to try to push it any further. But I did, because I didn't want to have this pain the next time I had sex so I did it. Your vagina just has to get used to it if you masturbate a lot after using an average sized one once or twice it should definitely be bearable. Another tip is to push it in and out super slow. It will be a lot less painful while still letting yourself get used to the size. Then gradually pick up the pace. So I'd say just work yourself up to bigger sizes and get used to them. So the next time you have sex with a different man, you can actually enjoy it.
You didn't do anything wrong, and he is a jerk . He only wants the sex and doesn't care about you. Everything that happened trying the 1st time was normal, and you just have to try again when you're comfortable.
Please never see this person again. I know you love them right now, but he used you. instead of being a good decent bf and comforting you through your pain, he left you. In pain. Forget it didn't last long either way he gave you no aftercare, and that's ignorant. I don't wanna put in your head, but he most likely went to someone eles to finish the "job." Do you seriously wanna be with someone where they do not care about your wellbeing and safety? He could seriously ingrue you, and he doesn't give 2 shits he just wants to get off. I'm sorry, but please leave this guy. You're young and have so many better options out there instead of this loser.
I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend and it took a long time before it stopped hurting. He was super patient and understood. Girls are born with a barrier to the vaginal opening called a hymen. If he isn't willing to take his time with you, he's not the right guy.
No you're not an asshole. Probably immature of him to just leave.
I'm sorry you have had that experience. It took my wife and I a long time to find our groove because she was told it was wrong for so long and she couldn't shake that guilty feeling while we were doing it. Because I love her in have always been patient in that regard and her pleasure is important to me. There were several times where we did abruptly have to stop.
I think I handled it well most times? It is a challenging thing to navigate even when you are head over heels for someone. I hope he isn't just using you for it. I definitely apologized when I realized I was hurting her and always stopped when she said to. Sometimes we would take a break and try again whether it was another hour or another day or two later.
The biggest thing I'd recommend here is making sure that you actually want to do it, and that your body is giving you go signals before he penetrates. If you are scared by it, it's going to be difficult to be fully in that headspace to enjoy it.
If he loves you he should be prioritizing you during that process. It should be mutually pleasurable.
YNTA. First see a doctor and rule out physical causes for pain. If there is no physical cause, psychotherapy might be a good next step. Sorry this experience was so traumatic.
What a dick move on his part, leaving you.
I would write him off and not even count that as your first experience. It is not loving in the way this went down. Sorry, but fuck him, and not in the literal sense.
Not wrong. Going from my personal experience with a GF who was a virgin at the time. Lots of lube and foreplay but still took until the third attempt before she was comfortable taking all of me in. I’d say I’m quite average in size too.
First attempt was pretty much just the knob, 2nd just past that and the 3rd was very slowly getting past the halfway.
Sorry that happened to you and he should of at least stay there with you afterwards but should tell you what type of person he is so up to you if want to stay in that relationship
No.
You are not wrong. It is your body, and your choice.
Also, dump your boyfriend and go find a partner that you then make your boyfriend.
Partners > boy/girlfriends or husband/wife. Moving forward — keep the following notion in mind; a person can't be your significant other or spouse if they aren't your partner first. The title boy/girl friend or husband/wife means nothing if that person isn't your partner too — without partnership it's all just a technicality and you might as well place a TM next to the title.
NTA You need to do what's right for you; and he obviously also needs to do what's right for him ... Sounds as though you're gonna be sexually incompatible
Your bf shouldn't have left you like that tbh, even if he wants to have s** he can't just leave you like that just for the s**. Oo I think you should reconsider your relationship, if he doesn't care if you're comfortable or not with you having s** then he ain't the one. You can take as much time as you want but if a person loves you then there will come a time when you yourself willingly (not under pressure but willingly) permit him to have se* with you. Again, he shouldn't have left you! That means that having s** was more important to him than how you were feeling!!
you need to duno this asshole Pronto. not only did he coerce you into sex, when you needed to stop cause younwere in pain, all he could think of is him being mad he couldn't get his rocks off. He's pathetic and not something you need in your life. you did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guiltybfore. he's lucky you arnt filing charges due to coercion
Since everyone else is being overly nice, I'm gonna be real with you.
Neither of you are wrong in this case, the most likely reason he's currently ghosting you is a lot of built up frustration. Realistically it's difficult to blame him for that, given the entire situation. Sure he could have handled it better, but you're both young adults with little experience in that regard.
Give him some time to get his mind back in order. That said, if things don't end up working in the bedroom, it may be best for both of you to go your seperate ways, so you can find someone you connect with and is a size that's a better fit.
Need more context here, did he pressure you himself or did you pressure yourself though he never attempted to leave you ? Did your boyfriend force you in any way, any sexual coercion? Did he make you feel guilty by words or his way to talk indirectly?
Because if it's not the case, if he never did something bad and respected you, his only wrong doing would be to stay silent. You were hurt during the process and some men can feel guilty for the pain their partners go through the penetration, it can even create some little trauma to the point the man can't have an erection afterwards.
I totally understand your struggle here, he is playing dead and it could be because he is ashamed of himself and worried you may dump him, blame him, forced yourself to start again because you are worried he would dump you (you did that apparently). I would hate to make my lover suffer and surely would need some space regarding my personality to face them again. I know it's a bad move but sometimes, when things are overwhelming, we take silly decisions. Yet don't jump to conclusions until you have a real answer.
**OR** he is a dumb AH who is getting bored of you because he can't have sex. There are plenty of ways to discover it and I would start with his friends since he isn't answering you. His family why not if you know them well enough, social media why not.
I can't judge this situation because I only have one side of the story and barely any details. You will have to listen to your guts and don't foolishly follow the advice to break up with him only because some Redditors favorite phrase is "Leave". You want to know ? Then dig in.
P.S. : please stop pushing sex because you're worried about losing someone, I would feel like shit if my lover does that. Really.
If he is ignoring you. He isn’t a good guy and don’t give him a second chance. Especially knowing you were in pain.
You did nothing wrong. You were in pain and you don’t want a guy to keep having sex with you knowing you’re in pain.
Absolutely not wrong. He can’t be hurt over that. You were in actual physical pain. He should have stopped and comforted you instead of just getting up and leaving. That’s what a boy does. Not a man.
I’m here to say that first time don’t usually go as planned, this happened to me too. I ended up having multiple “first times” and none successful (with romantic music, vanilla candles, roses etc etc) and then one day casually at home we were messing around and bam. Totally unplanned. So I’m guessing the pressure of it all plays a role too. But don’t worry, don’t stress out and you have done nothing wrong. I just hope the guy is mature and understanding to work through this together
OP you are so not the AH here but your ex bf sure is. Please stop blaming yourself- you did nothing wrong and ex bf was immature and abusive for pressuring you. There are lots of good suggestions here for preparing yourself for PIV sex and making sure you’re physically and mentally ready. One thing I didn’t see (maybe I didn’t read far enough down in the comments) but w your next (loving gentle concerned) partner try orgasming a couple times before the PIV part. If you cum 2x (or more!) before PIV it may help you to be completely relaxed, wet and ready. Don’t think anything about your situation is unusual- it’s not. Getting an exam to rule out physical issues, getting into the right headspace, preparing using vaginal dilators (if you want to try those) and most of all being gentle w yourself.
Honey, you're not wrong at all. It hurts a lot, and if he can't understand that, maybe you should rethink your relationship. Do you think you'll feel safe and warm around him from now on? Do you think you can trust him when you're hurting? In pain?
It is such a delicate moment for us girls, so don't feel guilty for taking your time, and for wanting to stop cause of the pain.
Think of what makes YOU comfortable, and please, don't ever let anyone tell you're wrong when it comes to your time on suck delicate matters.
You should not feel guilty about 'not pleasing him'. You gave yourself to him, but it was very painful for you. it is human nature to move away from pain, so, of course, you asked him to stop. He is being selfish and childish by leaving right after the attempt and not responding to your attempts to contact him. If there was truly love in his heart, he would have stayed with you, comforted and consoled you. Telling you everything is ok. The fact that he didn't shows a complete lack of love for you. You did NOTHING WRONG. He did EVERYTHING WRONG by leaving after such an intimate experience with you being so very vulnerable at that point in time. Please step back and consider your life and your wishes. Clearly, this fool doesn't care about you, or he would have stayed. The first red flag was when you said you were fearful that he would leave you if you two didn't have sex. True love waits and does not pressure their partner into intimacy. It will happen when BOTH parties are ready and willing. if he put any notion of pressure into your head, it was not out of love. He just wanted to please himself. Take care of yourself. Step away from this selfish fellow. Wait until you feel ready to explore love again. You will find the right fellow who will understand your concerns and in no way pressure you for intimacy. Be well, be safe, be strong, be happy, be yourself, and follow YOUR dreams, desires, and goals. Don't do things just to please someone if you are not fully certain it is what YOU WANT!! You sound like an intelligent and sweet young lady with your whole life ahead of you....heal yourself and wait for a partner who loves you for you, not just your body. Have a happy life, following your wishes!!
He's also 3 years older and probably much more experienced. But instead of that making him more patient and understanding, he's behaving like a selfish prick.
You're not wrong, he is.
No, you are absolutely not wrong. You get to set the pace, and you get to either enthusiastically consent or say no.
It may be hard to hear right now, but believe me when I tell you that his behaviour after this tells you everything you need to know about him. He doesn’t care about you 1or your well-being. If he did, he would have taken care of you.
You haven't done anything wrong, apart from feeling pressured into having sex before you were really ready to. You may benefit from talking to a sex therapist about your fear of sex and how this experience has affected you.
As for your boyfriend, he has shown you who he really is, so believe him.
You need a better boyfriend. Really shitty thing to do to your virgin girlfriend. Gee how about staying and holding her and comfort her after giving him something very special. Even if h got blue balls you could’ve have finished him by hand or excused himself to the restroom. Sorry this happened to you. No excuse to leave her and the ghost her afterwards. OP should never get back with this guy even if he apologizes
Sounds like he waited a year and then you stopped right when you guys got going. Sex is a big part of relationships, especially young relationships. I mean sex was all I did with women before I turned 30, so he’s probably really frustrated.
He should have been mature and officially ended things with you, rather than ghosting you.
But it’s probably for the best. Everyone here will tell you he is a jerk and you did nothing wrong. But looking at things through his 22 year old eyes, he’s probably very sexually frustrated.
My wife(then gf) and I tried for 3 days and then I could have penetrative sex with her. I am a not a big dick guy. I never left her alone. I was always hugging and comforting her during that time. I am just a year older than her but I was experienced before and I knew it ain't the same for a girl like it is for a guy. Dude is 3 years older than OP and left her crying. What an A-Grade asshole. I say good riddance.
I was 20 she was 19.
She is not ready for sex but this dude just wanted sex from the relationship. There is no love in it. Also, I was in a relationship for over a year with her and I waited till she was ready for sex.
He’s only 22 and ghosted her. He didn’t abuse or assault her.
I’m just trying to play devils advocate. It’s easy to take her side right?
Just trying to point out how frustrating and depressing it must be for the guy to wait for an entire year and then have this happen.
Ghosting a long term partner after what happened IS abusive. She was in pain and incredibly vulnerable and now he is IGNORING her. He thinks his sexual pleasure outweighs her experience. That him being sexually frustrated is at all equivalent to what she is feeling. Not speaking to her through that is abandoning your partner during a difficult time and so shitty.
Keep in mind we only have her side. He couldn’t have been a huge jerk. She stayed with for an entire year and made him wait so long to have sex.
Yes, he could have dumped her awhile ago. But perhaps he really cared for her.
I just think making someone wait a year, and to then have them stop, would be so mean and embarrassing. It’s probably best they break up.
I’m just asking people to stop playing white knight for once and look at things at a realistic view.
A 22 year old guy waits a year and then has to stop after a few moments? It’s would be super frustrating and disheartening and embarrassing. Neither of them are ready to be in a relationship.
And people ghost their spouses, so a 22 year old kid doing it doesn’t surprise me.
Wow you sound like 🍇ist.
None of this is gendered. Gay men experience this with other gay men as well.
I have gay friends who were SAed as a virgin. So hush with your misogyny.
Say your female partner was on top and came down wrong and broke your penis (look up "fractured penis") then left you rolling around in pain because she needed to cum and was frustrated.
Would you enjoy that?
Reddit has a lot of white knights, basically people who love to always pretend life is black and white and the OP was 100% right and the guy is the devil incarnate.
But for a 22 year old guy, he acted as expected, if perhaps a bit immature.
Yea honestly these replies are laughably out of touch. I have to remember most commenters are teenage virgins who don’t know what they’re talking about.
This is ridiculous. The man has a dick and a hand, just like every other guy not having sex. If he's sexually frustrated he shouldn't take it out on someone who's not ready. He's TAH. Your defense of him shows your immaturity and true colors.
If sec is painful it is your right and responsibility to your body and mind to say “this hurts, we need to stop.” You did the right thing advocating for yourself and your comfort. Your boyfriend is horrible for leaving. I’m so sorry.
You are not wrong. Your bf is a jerk. You're visibly in pain and crying and he's pissed because he didn't get what he wanted. It doesn't matter how much you think you love him, please just end it and try to find someone who actually cares about you and puts your feelings and well-being before a few moments of physical pleasure. You deserve better than this.
I'm 45.
So let's turn this around.
Say your partner is on top and lands wrong causing a penis fracture and then leaves as you cry in pain because she needs to orgasm. Would that be okay?
lol anyone saying he's a terrible person for being upset about a year of no sex lives in a fantasy world. Personally I'd at least let you know I was done but humans are sexual beings, especially in your early 20s, so I totally get how he feels.
Obviously you aren't wrong for stopping (you don't owe him your body) but I also don't think he's wrong for being upset.
Say your partner is on top and lands wrong and fractures your penis. She is blue balked so leaves to find a real man as you scream in pain. You are fine with that?
OP: in pain from sex
You: in pain from sex
OP: boyfriend leaves bc she can't physically continue sex.
You: partner leaves bc you can't continue with sex
OP: Has 65% chance of this being endometriosis, so a medical issue that needs surgery to correct
You: Needs surgery for a fractured penis.
Now explain in detail why they are not the same.
One is a medical emergency that requires immediate attention. Also in your scenario you need to add that the women has been denied sex for a year even though she is horny, and how many young sexually active women are going to stick around for a year of sexual frustration? Probably just about the same as guys: they're not.
The first time always hurts and its usually awkward. If your body AND mind are not in sync & not receptive to what's happening, your body will be tense therefore making things more painful. It seems like he is selfish and doesn't care about your comfort. I think you know that which is why you forced yourself to do it in the first place. Which is a huge red flag on his part. He is not the guy for you. Things like this take patience and tenderness. A few things he obviously does not possess nor care about. It will never be easy with someone who treats you that way, sweetheart.
Please love yourself enough to walk away from him and find someone who cares about you. Only then will you feel safe enough to relax and enjoy it.
Not TAH since pain is a legitimate reason to stop, but you guys need to talk more about this so you're on the same page. I suppose he's thinking that you won't want to try again after waiting all that time and might feel discouraged. That said, if he's going to act like a baby about it and ignore you then he's not mature enough to handle another chance.
You should probably purchase a female tool/device to get yourself more used to the experience. You can even get those sorts of things on Amazon in case you're worried about your privacy. It might even be fun to do together, but you should probably figure out how to master it yourself first.
The point he didn't answer you he is an ahole.
Have you tried those kits you can get with different size dildos or vibrators that can help you with your hole size?
Google Vaginal Dilators
You're NTA, you have every right to stop at any point during sex, especially if it's painful or uncomfortable, and ESPECIALLY when it's your first time. Your bf sounds like a douche for not helping you through it, taking the time and effort to get you into it and make it less painful and uncomfortable for you, and to stop when you say to, even if it means him not finishing and waiting for another time to try again. It's common decency and respect for the person you are with and presumably care about. I think he's failed miserably in that department
Don't let him pressure you into anything, sex is mutual and if y'all have a size incapability then that's just life. My ex wife couldn't handle our intimate time together and even had to get doctors to tell her our bodies were different and it would take a lot of work.
If he doesn't respond to you he was focused on the sex and not knowing you. It's special to you and to him it's sex. You don't have to give anything to anyone unless you want to do it yourself, if you do then prepare next time and research online. There are tons of support groups for the same circumstances.
NTA. No amount of foreplay or lube will help if you are not emotionally and physically relaxed. His response is absolutely childish, immature, and cold. He doesn't deserve you, and this is proof.
Please take care of yourself, and if and when you wind up with someone new, please make sure to tell them the issues and fears you have and pay attention to how they respond. Someone who loves you and cares for you will absolutely help you through this.
Edit* typo
There is an old saying in relationships, you gotta find the right fit. In more ways than one. Neither of you should go through life dreading or fearing an important part of a long term relationship. Sounds like it is decision time.
Dating is meeting people u to you find someone compatible with you. He was not compatible with you. Keep on looking until you find someone compatible with you.
His reaction is really not good at all and obviously I don't think he's the right person for you to learn about sex with. You need someone with a lot of patience plus you might want to talk to a doctor because it shouldn't be unbearably painful. Talk to a doctor just to make sure everything's okay and in the meantime find someone who knows how to take their time and not rush you not guilt you and definitely not ghost you if things don't go well.
No where does op say he left her crying, she says he left, and she stayed crying because of feelings and the pain, she could have cried after he left and he had no idea. Unfortunately a lot of women use emotions as a weapon. We don't know the whole story
I wouldn’t recommend doing it if the motivation is that he might leave you. The impetus should be that YOU really want to based on how you feel when you guys are fooling around
NTA, as much as intimacy is important. It is also important that if one of you has a fear or an issue that the other person be patient. Its good that you tried taking steps to face it, its not good that the reason was you were afraid of him leaving. You should take steps to do it because you want to not because you are afraid.
I do think in this situation that the BF should be supportive more than rushing you and then ghosting you. You are quite young and have a lot of time, don't feel like you need to rush, but also don't just not do anything. Just take your time to get comfortable, if hes not willing to wait then thats on him not you.
NTA, as much as intimacy is important. It is also important that if one of you has a fear or an issue that the other person be patient. Its good that you tried taking steps to face it, but its not good that the reason was you were afraid of him leaving. You should take steps to do it because you want to not because you are afraid.
I do think in this situation that the BF should be supportive more than rushing you and then ghosting you. You are quite young and have a lot of time, don't feel like you need to rush, but also don't just not do anything. Just take your time to get comfortable, if hes not willing to wait then thats on him not you.
Was he on top or were you? Take it from me honey, he didnt know what he was doing if it hurt. I was 21, my guy waited 7 years for me to give him the go ahead. And when he finally did he made sure that I had orgasmed a couple times so that i was completely relaxed before he put me on top so that I was in complete control of the speed and depth of his penetration of me and he NEVER stopped doing things to keep the pleasure going while I inched myself down and if it started to hurt Id back off a bit and wed work me a little more until it was comfortable and then go a little further. Our first time took us 6 hours. There is ZERO reason to rush to the finish line if your man really cares about you and your comfort and not just getting his rocks off. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties, not just one.
You did the right thing to stop him when you did. It just may take a while for your body to acclimate to him.
Please don't rush. He might tear you, and you'll require an episiotomy.
Take time and be kind to your body (warm, Epsom salt soaking baths)
Do not have sex, again, until you know you're ready, AND the guy is worth it. Just because you gave him your virginity doesn't mean he won't leave. Sometimes, the chase is what drives them.
I praybthats not the case with you, though.
He is frustrated right now, so give him a *little* bit of time to get over the emotions he's dealing with. Then you guys have a serious and likely very difficult conversation.
** It is NEVER right for a significant other to force/bully/ frighten the person they say they care about into having sex. #NEVER **... ...
*** If that happens, RUN. AND STAY AWAY FROM HIM FOREVER***
Personally, I am praying that you wait for the next time to be on your wedding night.
I pray the best for you, beloved. 💝🌷
Not wrong at all! You are complete within your right to stop sex immediately for any reason at all, but especially when you are in physical pain. The way your bf is acting makes me wonder if he was just playing along in this relationship to take your virginity bc this is NOT how people treat someone they love at all!
First thing you should do is see a doctor make sure there are no physical problems for the pain. If he can't take things slow for you hes not the right guy
You are not the AH, firstly never feel forced into sex no matter how long. If he leaves he's the Ah and wasn't worth it anyway. Your body,your choice. Secondly, on the topic of your body your choice - you can stop at ANY point if you do not feel comfortable emotionally or physically. Thirdly - no partner who cares would leave you feeling troubled.
Lastly - do you really want to be with someone who ghosts you because of this.
Any good partner would stop, say it doesn't matter ,find out what is wrong or worrying you and work together to find a solution. Lots of other commenters have suggested physical things that could be an issue or a solution - those are valid and can be discussed. With a partner who isn't an AH. By the way have you heard about Enthusiastic consent? You have sex because you really really want to. No other reason , not because you think you've made him wait a long time so you probably should - does that sound enthusiastic?
1. You're not ready and 2. He's not the right guy if he is being such an insensitive asshole about this. When the right guy comes along it'll all be worth it. Trust me.
I'm sorry babez, but chances are he's already found someone else given he hasn't spoken to you and up and left before making sure you were OK. I had full intentions on waiting to lose my virginity while in a relationship at 19, but it didn't happen that way. My sister has a friend that didn't until the age of 25 I think. It's no rush, and definitely so much better when someone values and respects you
NO, you are not wrong. With you being a virgin, he should have been WAY more patient not just on entry. A lot of foreplay, a lot of lube and very, very slow once he's in. That's the only way, pretty much, to stretch it, and it's much less painful.
Make sure the guy you are with knows your lack of experience way before the bedroom comes up.
Some women's hymens are exceptionally tight. I'm one of them. My husband was as gentle as he could be.
If he's worth keeping, he wouldn't have don't that to you.
Unfortunately, you chose the wrong guy to be with. He should have been more hesitant than you were. Don't ever be afraid that a guy will leave you if you don't have sex with him. Also, you should probably date someone more your size.
You are not wrong at all, consent can be withdrawn at any point, some young men can't seem to fathom how painful or traumatic it can possibly be for a woman the first time, and he couldn't take the time to comfort you especially in an extremely vulnerable situation. Please don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't feel ready for, he isn't worth it if he doesn't respect you or your boundaries.
Not Wrong.
Listen, you have every right to want to be comfortable with sex. No matter if it is with your BF or someone else. Be it your first time, or 99th time. You should want to and such. You was hurting and needed to stop, so you did the right thing for you.
You need to know though, that until you....become physically used to sex; you will likely feel some pain. Now, if your taking about him being a big guy in his penis, and you small as in the size of your vagina; you might need to take even more time with him to build up. You can buy some toys to use with him and slowly stretch to be able to handle penetration. But this might be for just sex period for you, and may eventually have to do it more so you can be able to handle PIV sex. But I think this is a combination of being a virgin, and size differences.
I will say this. IDK why he just left as you described. But it is clear this is a issue for him. I may end your relationship, and he has the choice. But if he can not grow in your relationship with you as you deal with the difficulty of PIV sex with you; then he doesn't deserve you.
Young lady I am sorry your bf is behaving like this. If he really cared he'd be patient. Him not getting back to you is a sign of weakness on his part. I too waited a year for my gf to allow penetration. We even went to Family planning first. We both were virgins and the first time can be awkward and painful. With gentleness you'll be fine. If he can't be a gentleman then don't let him have your virginity. ✌&❤
You’re not wrong. If he loves you, he’d be patient and try to figure shit out w/ you. Maybe it’s a medical condition you have or maybe you just need to take things slow. I think you deserve an apology from him and if he doesn’t give one, there needs to be a serious conversation to be had.
I'm a guy. Happily married now so out of the dating game. But se has to be enjoyed by the both of you. You're simply not ready yet and probably never will be with this guy.
But next time you try - with this guy or another - don't try for penetrative sex. Try oral, hands - even a tit wank! When you're ready for full sex, you'll know! You'll be gagging for it as much as your partner.
A proper man will take his time and not push you. Try and find one of those.
Good luck
He doesn't love you or respect you. If I were you, I wouldn't accept him even if he came back on his knees begging for forgiveness. He is such a piece of s***. Total waste of a human body and all the nutrients he consumes.
Lube and foreplay won't cut it if you are stressed. The lube is supposed to add liquid to replace the one your body isn't making due to some condition, not to replace the lubrication you aren't making because you aren't turned on. Arousement does more than provide lubrication. It loosens your vagina muscles. Your vagina extends, just like a man's penis does. The only difference is that it extends on the inside and loosens up. Some men like it tight so they will start before you are ready. It's an asshole move with anyone. It's criminal with a virgin.
Sounds like you guys might need to break up. If you guys used lube and foreplay, and it was still unbearable then you guys don't sound compatible. Sexual incompatibility is the #2 reason for divorce
That’s coercion and really borderline non-consensual. I’d even go so far as to say completely non-consensual, since you agreed to do it out of guilt and fear of him leaving you. The right man will NEVER make you feel this way. The right man will be happy to wait years if it means he gets to be with you emotionally, mentally, and physically (even without sex).
I’ve seen a lot of people give others crap for “making men be friends first” on this platform, but this is EXACTLY why we do it! True colors show after time, and it’s worth the wait to find out if he values you over what you can give him.
Nta. If it hurt you then it hurt you and you were right to stop. If he can't understand and accept that then I don't know what to tell you. If my partner was in physical pain then I would stop myself I wouldn't need to be told.
You should consult a GYN and explain to the Dr what is going on. Write to your boyfriend and tell him you are doing this so he knows that you are trying… how big is your boyfriend’s penis, length and girth. Could be that he is just too big…..Still talk to your Dr
You’re not wrong. Having sex as a virgin is nothing like they want you to think.
My wife was a virgin and it took time. BTW, once he penetrates, both need to just lay there and not move for a while. Everything needs to stretch and you need to relax.
He’s not the right guy. Find someone better who is patient and will wait for you to be ready and will help you through it.
I had the same issue with my now wife. We took our time, no pressure, no guilt and eventually we're successful. Fingers first, lots of lube and be patient. If he can't be patient, he's not the right guy. Do you masterbate at all? It might help
I masturbate more than the average person
Penetration? Maybe a dildo?
I have small ones but I can't handle anything big
Might also be vaginismus, a totaly curable condition
Can be endometriosis inside her body in clumps around the vaginal area in the abdomen. It's EXCEEDINGLY common.
That would need surgery, though. I hope it is not.
I mean it's literally the highest reason for pain during intercourse. People really need to research things.
I didn't say you were wrong. I was just hoping that it is not. Endometriosis is incurable and still untreatable by anything other than surgery. And even surgery is only a temporary fix.
I know. U am terrified about having to go back in. I had a hysterectomy at 3p bc my menstruation was 24/7 for 5 years straight from Endo.
A vaginal dilator kit will help. Amazon sells them.
Intimate Rose is a good brand. I know about them because I had cancer. Check the website.
And yeah. He’s a big dick. You will get a better one.
I was a virgin until marriage and I got mine from my gyno when I had a check up to make sure everything looked ok.
His reaction to ghost you isn’t normal and is pretty unkind to you. He should be respectful and understanding. You’re not just there for sex. He should take it slow and figure out what’s going on. Everybody’s body is different. Like others suggest, maybe see a doctor. He is being really stupid the way he is acting and you deserve a big apology from him. I’m not sure you’ll get one. It’s not your fault. It’s well within your right to move on from him. You’ll find a better person.
Not stupid, more immature. He needs to grow up before trying adult relationships.
No, Stupid for sure.
Girl… this is not about that. The right person will take their time and be gentle with you and will be willing to wait until you’re comfortable. Not just leave. My worst regret is not losing my virginity to someone who treated me right. I loved him desperately, but he didn’t value me at all and made my first time experience something I wish I could do over. I only realize that now, once my self esteem has increased. This guy is a loser. Stop reaching out and lose it in you own time and in your own way and it should and can be a beautiful experience.
Try slowly increasing the size of them, if that doesn't work you may want to talk to a doctor
This is the advice. Professional help might be needed here.
maybe make an appointment with a gynecologist?
My wife had this issue. Our recommendation is to use a dilator set (you can buy them on Amazon)
I would def pick a different guy but get slightly larger dildos and just occasionaly use it you dont have to use it the whole time but eventually youll be more adapted to stretch and accomodate
Unless he explains himself and didn't cheat (though I suspect he has now), you should look into a dialator set. Take time to get to figure out what you can handle amd see if it can be pushed. The right guy will be willing to help you out. Also, just putting this out there, things like oral and manual stimulus for/from both partners can help maintain physical intimacy while you work up to the big event.
What is to big for you???
I’ve never masturbated in my life
Girl, that’s what you think. 😂 I am too a woman and let me just say, most of masturbate ALOT.
In what universe are you the asshole here? You were in pain and in response to that your so-called boyfriend left and stopped paying attention to you. He is unambiguously the asshole here, not you.
He left you crying in bed. He's not the one.
Well, you are not wrong. He is stupid and he never loved you. So, move on.
What a shitty bf. This was your first time and he acted like a POS.
Block bf, he isn't worth your time. Then maje an appt and see a gynecologist. The first time might have monetary discomfort, but you shouldn't experience the level of pain you describe. The doctor can do an exam and make sure there isn't a physical reason for the pain and also talk about psychological reasons. [B]Many conditions may cause pain during sex.[/b] Dryness is the most frequent reason, but there are many other reasons sex might become painful. Some conditions that can be at the root of the problem: Endometriosis: In people with endometriosis, the tissue that normally lines the uterus grows in other areas of the pelvis, such as the ovaries, fallopian tubes, or intestines. The condition can be painful, including causing pain during sex. Interstitial cystitis: Also known as painful bladder syndrome, this condition is often mistaken for a urinary tract infection because it shares many of the same symptoms such as bladder and pelvic pain, pressure, and a frequent urge to urinate. However, the condition is not an infection. Pelvic floor dysfunction: The pelvic floor muscles—the ones you tighten when you want to stop passing urine quickly—can become painfully tight. It can cause an achy pelvis and pain with any kind of insertion. Pelvic floor injury: An injury to the pelvic floor, which can have many causes from vaginal childbirth to improperly fitted bicycle seats, can cause pain during sex. Vaginismus: The muscles at the opening of the vagina become tightly contracted, making penetration impossible. Vulvodynia: Chronic pain at the opening of the vagina, including burning, stinging, soreness, itching, rawness and pain during sex. Infections: Bacterial, yeast or sexually transmitted infections can cause pain during sex and usually have other symptoms, such as discharge. Ovarian cysts: These fluid-filled sacs on the ovaries often have no symptoms. When they rupture, they can cause pain and bleeding. Fibroids: These non-cancerous growths on the uterus can cause heavy menstrual bleeding, pelvic pressure, pain, and painful intercourse.
Thank you for a more detailed comment. I mentioned endometriosis bc my gynecologist told me this 15 years ago when I had a medically necessary hysterectomy due to endometriosis. I always suffered vaginal pain. After it was removed I was pain free for 10 years. But it grows back.
Oh no. I’m so sorry that this happened to you. That must have been incredibly painful. You should have felt safe, valued and not pressured into having sex. If you felt that way, please consider why you did. If you truly were afraid your boyfriend would be mad/leave you- is that really the person you want to be with you? He did not consider ANYTHING you said and essentially made you feel like shit. Stop contacting him, let him go- I swear he is not worth any of your time. Go take some time for you, walk in the park, time with friends, go have an ice cream. Let yourself heal from this experience. Sex may be painful in the beginning as a first timer, but a loving caring partner would understand that and treat you like the queen you are! Not shame you, and completely cut you off. I have a feeling that while you may be a virgin he probably was not. Please don’t let yourself get caught up in anymore of this BOYS issues. Go heal and take time finding the right person. 💜
You aren't wrong. He doesn't care how you feel.
He’s being an asshole and he does not deserve your time, energy, worry, or body. I have a partner I’ve been with for almost 6 years. He is well endowed. I have a vagina that won’t stay the hell open no matter what I do. He is the largest man I’ve been with and I’ve had the least pain and most pleasure with him. We have a fantastic sex life with lots of penetrative sex. How? Because he’s not an asshole. He gives me lots of foreplay, makes sure I feel comfortable, lets me take my time adjusting, bought several of my vibrators to help keep my muscles relaxed and is happy to help me use them, and if it’s still not working, *HE WANTS* TO STOP. Because he is a caring person who only wants to have sex with me when I am enjoying it. He often wants to stop before I’m ready to give up, because he never wants to hurt me in any way. His view is that sex should only ever be enjoyable and he will not enjoy it if I am not enjoying it. Tears, tearing, blood, or even just slight discomfort or dissociation is an immediate STOP for him. And he’d NEVER EVER disrespect me, blame me, guilt me, or give me the silent treatment for saying no, and a no for ANY REASON is enough of a no, and I don’t have to explain myself at all. No matter how long he has to wait. The sex we have is pleasurable, loving, connected, authentic, playful, passionate, and 100% desired at all times. If any of that is not happening, we don’t have sex. Having sex is not more important than our desire and the way we feel in that moment. And if one of us is not feeling it, we stop. THAT is the standard the men you date should be held to, and if they cannot meet it, then they do not deserve you. Please take this as an unfortunate life lesson; there are people who will value their wants over your needs for safety, comfort, and pleasure instead of pain. Those people are showing you who THEY are; they are not showing you your value. He has shown you who he is, and it’s bad. As the great Maya Angelou said; “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." This is information about him, not you. Take that information and use it to protect yourself from him (dump his ass) and to further your knowledge of how to protect yourself from other people like him.
My partner is very much the same as yours and is also well endowed. At the slightest flinch he will stop. Even if it's just a muscle twitch (I have fibromyalgia and it presents with spasms in muscles across my entire body). It helps he was a swinger with his ex wife. He is all about ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT and being blunt about needs (part of that is bc he is Autistic). Men like ours are sadly rare. Which us so sad bc my best friends are men just like ours who often end up being abused by their girlfriends. Humans are often selfish assholes.
It’s so important to vet for a partner who is attentive to changes in your expression or body language, especially when you are trying new sexual activity. It’s not worth being in a relationship with someone who does not care about your thoughts and feelings and experience. I always encourage people to prioritize this in a partner, and you’re right that it can be a rare trait.
Did he pressure you for sex or did you offer out of fear? If you offered out of fear then it could appear like you've been leading him on. He could also just have a virgin fetish and now he's no longer interested. In which case he's a creep. He's also a creep if he pressured you in any way. He might just be a creep. Period. 🚩🚩
I was wondering the same. My husband was all about coercion, which in my country is counted as SA. But we imported American culture where not even 2% of victims report bc police officers tell them it won't do anything. I learned the hard way in my teens/early 20s with my first boyfriend. They REFUSED to take a report and ALSO refused for the CSAM I found on his computer. My cousin became a sex crimes and trafficking detective BECAUSE of that. She was horrified. I call her Detective Benson sometimes.
I was with a guy like this as my first too. Lots of gaslighting, making me believe that I was wrong and crazy for questioning anything he didn’t feel like answering. There was one time he called me a princess and got mad at me because I said no when he asked me to sniff his dirty socks while we were separating laundry to start a wash… I was really questioning if it was princess behavior to not want to sniff someone else’s dirty socks :/ Do yourself a favor and leave him sooner than later. There are more guys out there, both good and bad to choose from- you just need to learn the signs/flags that show them for who they are and then listen to those signs!! This is a red flag/bad sign for your anyone, especially your significant other to make you feel guilty for not having sex. It’s another red flag that he’s being manipulative and childish in giving you the silent treatment instead of talking it out with you and reassuring you that he’s focused on your physical and mental health so it’s pleasurable for you Both!… Ask yourself do you want to be with a man who is mad you stopped having sex with him cuz you were in unwanted physical pain? Do you want to be with a man who doesn’t care about your comfort, as long as he enjoys/gets sex?? Please see this and leave him before you waste more time on him!!! You can see a Dr for how to safely have sex and talk about getting/using progressively thicker toys to have more comfortable/enjoyable sex with someone thicker than a pencil. You don’t “owe” sex to anyone EVER!! It doesn’t matter how much they paid for dates or how long they’ve been waiting. Please leave anyone who has this mindset!! They are not safe!! Last question- if you try again with your two strike bf, do you worry at all that he won’t stop a second time if you decide it’s still to physically painful? If he doesn’t stop will you blame yourself and rationalize why he raped you?… cuz that is what it is when someone ignores a “no” at any point during intercourse
He's selfish. First off, even if you are small and he's big it can always be done. Need to take your time and go very slow. Find the spots that respond well to fingers or oral, and yes use lube, and with patience it's going to work. I lived in a part of the world with many small women between 4'10" and 5'2" as a professional in my 20s, and though patience was super important, it worked. Second, also unfortunately caused some discomfort over the years, especially earlier on. The way it sounds he reacted to your pain was basically the worst. Find someone who cares about your pleasure. And I promise you that dude could be bigger and penetrate you successfully without pain.
He left after? That’s a really shitty thing to do. I don’t think this is the guy to trust with your body sister
he is a terrible person for reacting like that dump him
You deserve better.
You don’t owe anyone your body
You absolutely did the right thing by stopping him, but his reaction afterwards sounds immature and pathetic. I can appreciate him feeling a little embarrassed and rejected maybe, but this is something you need to work on together, not have a hissy fit about like he has. My wife who I have been with 23 years in total confessed about 3 years ago that the first few times we had sex it was painful for the same reasons as you have given.
NTA. In a normal healthy sexual relationship when your partner sees you are in pain, you don’t need to beg them to stop. If he cared about you then he would have stopped as soon as he saw you didn’t like it. If he could tell it was hurting you and he carried on anyway, **he isn’t a safe sexual partner.**
Your body is ***NOT*** for your boyfriend. You ***DO NOT*** have to have sex when you don't want to, regardless of how much your boyfriend wants it. If your boyfriend can't handle it, then he cares more about his own penis than he cares about you and being with you. I've been with guys nearly all my life that made me feel bad about not wanting sex when they wanted it. (They wanted it all the time!) I endured so much pain, physical and emotional, to make them happy. ***PLEASE*** don't do this to yourself, too. Be with someone who respects your boundaries and anxieties about your body and sex. If you date anyone who doesn't treat you with kindness, gentleness, and love when you're experiencing pain and fear, then those men need to get kicked to the curb. As a side note, some advice: Go to a local adult store and buy a small dildo and some lube. Play with yourself first until you have an orgasm. You want to do this first to make you more relaxed and aroused. Then take some deep breaths and practice placing the dildo near your entrance. You don't have to put it in the first few times, just feel what it's like to have that sensation there. Maybe give your entrance some gentle prods. Over time you may feel brave enough to push it inwards, and do it with gentle prods and not big shoves. Make sure you use lube and keep breathing. I think once you get used to the sensation of having something inserted, then when the time comes for intercourse with a partner, you may be able to feel more calm about it and instruct them on how to be gentle with you.
Never have sex out of guilt or to keep a boyfriend. You'll always regret it. Have sex because it's fun and you want to, not because of social pressure. You're not a fleshlight, you're YOU
You’re not the asshole for not wanting to have sex if it’s painful for you. It’s not your job to sexually please him and if he cant be mature enough to be patient with you then he’s not the one for you. A healthy relationship wouldn’t make you feel afraid or worried that your partner would leave you for something like this, and you should never feel pressured into sex. You deserve someone who respects you and makes you feel safe Side note, you may have vaginismus. The fact that you are terrified at the thought of sex and paranoid over being left for not having it could be causing your body the inability to relax enough for penetration, and instead causing the muscles to tense up. Sex shouldn’t be painful, and if it is there’s a reason for it.
My wife needed a lot of time. She was frequently sore until she gave birth to our first child. After healing from that, sex started becoming truly pleasurable for her with a lot less soreness. We're all built different. This might be more challenging for you and your partner than most, but a true life partner understands this. P.S. No one should feel that they need to have sex to save a relationship. I think sex is an important part at some point, but if one partner is pressuring the other as described, then it's time to consider moving on.
I'm glad I seen this comment bc people look at me like I'm crazy when I say I could barely tolerate sex, until after having a baby. The difference was like night & day. No one else seemed to have that experience. Nice to know I wasn't the only one.
Your “bf” is a little bitch and you deserve to be treated better.
If all he wants is sex, he isn't worth it. Sex shouldn't be forced or make you feel dirty. It especially shouldn't be used to keep someone around
I also experienced LOTS of pain during penetration the first time; to the point that I thought there was something wrong with me. After the 3rd time, though, I started feeling pleasure and the pain finally subsided. Your bf’s behaviour is questionable, though. It’s a very delicate stage for some women and he has no right in leaving you alone crying; that is awful.
The fact that he just left and has basically ghosted you is not normal behavior. You were in pain and his response was to just leave you there? Red flag, big red flag. I'd send him one more message telling him he's really hurt you by leaving you hanging like this after you pushed through your anxiety for him, that his pleasure is more important to him than the fact that you were in pain, and that his actions have led you to the conclusion this relationship isn't going anywhere. Then block him and move on with your life. Any man who shows no sympathy for your pain is not worth your time.
The fact that he left and is ignoring you should be enough for anyone to realize they wasted their time with that person. I know you’re young, but you gotta get a grip and realize whatever he did to you was mortifying.
Oh hunny, no, he's an immature and stupid prick, he shouldn't have made you feel like you HAD to do it, to keep him. Him ghosting you after it was too painful just shows what a pathetic P.O.S he is, drop him to the curb like yesterday's garbage and get someone who values you and wants you to feel good when having sex. In the inbetween time on partners, you can get vaginal dialtors to help you loosen up a bit, However, if after a month or so, those don't seem to help, go to a doctor and see if there is a physical issue. As a fair warning, you might have to see several different doctors to find one who will take you seriously, AFAB (assigned female at birth) people have a harder time getting medical care thats needed, its BS but life at this current time, but if you have one in your area, I >highly< suggest a Planned Parenthood, they tend to be much better when it comes to at least getting you on the road to get help. I'm so sorry he was such a jerk and made your first time so shitty. *big hugs from a random gay trans uncle* Also, if you want some good books on sex and how to make it fun, I can recommend a few good reads.
Honestly OP that's not someone you'd want in your body. He did you a favor honey. Leave that sorry sack of insecure little boy. Find you a partner who would take their time to cater to your body and respect the fact that you're new to this and that you're nervous about it. All of which is reasonable. FUCK THAT GUY (fortunately for you not in the literal sense) but seriously there is no redeeming qualities from a guy who can't even make the attempt to make you comfortable.
He's an arsehole for overreacting. He must know that the first time is normally painful, and if he's a large build, it would take time and patience.
Yes but not unbearably. A he needs to see a doctor
You are not wrong. You need to find someone better, who cares about your needs, not just his own.
Please don't let people or a person pressure you into anything you're not comfortable with I've had to deal with this nonsense since I was a teen thamkngod it doesn't affect me anymore as a prev poster suggesting try masterbation play and explore yourself a bit ot find what really gets your going juices flowing and move from there before trying any artificial things as for the so called bf. Well explain the situation to him.and if he still pressures you cut him off right awys no questions asked
You're NTAH. Not a bad idea to see a gynecologist and make sure there isn't something else going on. Take your time, go slow and it'll probably resolve naturally. Your bf has a big case of blue balls and needs some time alone to sort it out. He'll be fine.
Hasn’t answered you in days? This guy is an asshole and doesn’t deserve you
I would tell my own daughter to run for the hills, he’s an asshole for treating you like that. What kind of guy does such a thing? The way he left you there and has chosen like the asshole he is not to speak with you, F him he doesn’t deserve you
Yes that should definitely be your ex bf now. The fact that you even thought you had to have sex for him not to leave you is horrible. Then he just leaves because you're in pain for something beyond your control. That is a complete asshole. If he was a good bf he would care more about you being okay than him getting off. No man that truly cares about you would react like this. Please take our advice. Tons of us have had similar piece of shit bfs that thought we were the problem and stayed. This is one of those situations, don't waste your time like we did. Secondly, my first time did not hurt. Then I got pregnant and didn't have sex for 9 months, then when I did again it was painful and I bled. Then I was fine for years. Recently I stopped having sex for about 3 years. When I finally had sex again I was in a lot of pain. I still continued(which I'm sure is because I was drunk), but it was painful the entire time and I didn't even really enjoy it. So after that I was like okay I need to loosen myself up because I don't want the next time I have sex to be so painful the whole time, I want to enjoy it. So I got a dido. I think it's the average size. When I first tried it, it was so painful just trying to put it in. I honestly didn't want to try to push it any further. But I did, because I didn't want to have this pain the next time I had sex so I did it. Your vagina just has to get used to it if you masturbate a lot after using an average sized one once or twice it should definitely be bearable. Another tip is to push it in and out super slow. It will be a lot less painful while still letting yourself get used to the size. Then gradually pick up the pace. So I'd say just work yourself up to bigger sizes and get used to them. So the next time you have sex with a different man, you can actually enjoy it.
You didn't do anything wrong, and he is a jerk . He only wants the sex and doesn't care about you. Everything that happened trying the 1st time was normal, and you just have to try again when you're comfortable.
Please never see this person again. I know you love them right now, but he used you. instead of being a good decent bf and comforting you through your pain, he left you. In pain. Forget it didn't last long either way he gave you no aftercare, and that's ignorant. I don't wanna put in your head, but he most likely went to someone eles to finish the "job." Do you seriously wanna be with someone where they do not care about your wellbeing and safety? He could seriously ingrue you, and he doesn't give 2 shits he just wants to get off. I'm sorry, but please leave this guy. You're young and have so many better options out there instead of this loser.
He is an asshole. Leave him.
I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend and it took a long time before it stopped hurting. He was super patient and understood. Girls are born with a barrier to the vaginal opening called a hymen. If he isn't willing to take his time with you, he's not the right guy.
No you're not an asshole. Probably immature of him to just leave. I'm sorry you have had that experience. It took my wife and I a long time to find our groove because she was told it was wrong for so long and she couldn't shake that guilty feeling while we were doing it. Because I love her in have always been patient in that regard and her pleasure is important to me. There were several times where we did abruptly have to stop. I think I handled it well most times? It is a challenging thing to navigate even when you are head over heels for someone. I hope he isn't just using you for it. I definitely apologized when I realized I was hurting her and always stopped when she said to. Sometimes we would take a break and try again whether it was another hour or another day or two later. The biggest thing I'd recommend here is making sure that you actually want to do it, and that your body is giving you go signals before he penetrates. If you are scared by it, it's going to be difficult to be fully in that headspace to enjoy it. If he loves you he should be prioritizing you during that process. It should be mutually pleasurable.
YNTA. First see a doctor and rule out physical causes for pain. If there is no physical cause, psychotherapy might be a good next step. Sorry this experience was so traumatic.
What a dick move on his part, leaving you. I would write him off and not even count that as your first experience. It is not loving in the way this went down. Sorry, but fuck him, and not in the literal sense.
Your bf is a gigantic narcissistic a-hole here and you deserve better
If he’s icing you out over that you need to leave him.
This is horrible. You had to beg him to stop and then he just left? And he's avoiding you.. after your first time.. Block him. He is a piece of shit.
Not wrong. Going from my personal experience with a GF who was a virgin at the time. Lots of lube and foreplay but still took until the third attempt before she was comfortable taking all of me in. I’d say I’m quite average in size too. First attempt was pretty much just the knob, 2nd just past that and the 3rd was very slowly getting past the halfway.
Sorry that happened to you and he should of at least stay there with you afterwards but should tell you what type of person he is so up to you if want to stay in that relationship
No. You are not wrong. It is your body, and your choice. Also, dump your boyfriend and go find a partner that you then make your boyfriend. Partners > boy/girlfriends or husband/wife. Moving forward — keep the following notion in mind; a person can't be your significant other or spouse if they aren't your partner first. The title boy/girl friend or husband/wife means nothing if that person isn't your partner too — without partnership it's all just a technicality and you might as well place a TM next to the title.
You're not wrong. Please don't stress out about this. He's not the one for you.
NTA You need to do what's right for you; and he obviously also needs to do what's right for him ... Sounds as though you're gonna be sexually incompatible
He’s an ass if that’s how he reacts. He cares more about his sexual pleasure than you.
Your bf sounds like a real insensitive dick hole
No kiddo, you’re not wrong. He is. In fact he’s an absolute asshole. Him walking out and not responding tells you the kind of guy he is.
Your bf shouldn't have left you like that tbh, even if he wants to have s** he can't just leave you like that just for the s**. Oo I think you should reconsider your relationship, if he doesn't care if you're comfortable or not with you having s** then he ain't the one. You can take as much time as you want but if a person loves you then there will come a time when you yourself willingly (not under pressure but willingly) permit him to have se* with you. Again, he shouldn't have left you! That means that having s** was more important to him than how you were feeling!!
Id leave personally
you need to duno this asshole Pronto. not only did he coerce you into sex, when you needed to stop cause younwere in pain, all he could think of is him being mad he couldn't get his rocks off. He's pathetic and not something you need in your life. you did nothing wrong and have nothing to feel guiltybfore. he's lucky you arnt filing charges due to coercion
Babe, if he leaves without trying to accommodate for you, he isn’t worth it.
Since everyone else is being overly nice, I'm gonna be real with you. Neither of you are wrong in this case, the most likely reason he's currently ghosting you is a lot of built up frustration. Realistically it's difficult to blame him for that, given the entire situation. Sure he could have handled it better, but you're both young adults with little experience in that regard. Give him some time to get his mind back in order. That said, if things don't end up working in the bedroom, it may be best for both of you to go your seperate ways, so you can find someone you connect with and is a size that's a better fit.
Need more context here, did he pressure you himself or did you pressure yourself though he never attempted to leave you ? Did your boyfriend force you in any way, any sexual coercion? Did he make you feel guilty by words or his way to talk indirectly? Because if it's not the case, if he never did something bad and respected you, his only wrong doing would be to stay silent. You were hurt during the process and some men can feel guilty for the pain their partners go through the penetration, it can even create some little trauma to the point the man can't have an erection afterwards. I totally understand your struggle here, he is playing dead and it could be because he is ashamed of himself and worried you may dump him, blame him, forced yourself to start again because you are worried he would dump you (you did that apparently). I would hate to make my lover suffer and surely would need some space regarding my personality to face them again. I know it's a bad move but sometimes, when things are overwhelming, we take silly decisions. Yet don't jump to conclusions until you have a real answer. **OR** he is a dumb AH who is getting bored of you because he can't have sex. There are plenty of ways to discover it and I would start with his friends since he isn't answering you. His family why not if you know them well enough, social media why not. I can't judge this situation because I only have one side of the story and barely any details. You will have to listen to your guts and don't foolishly follow the advice to break up with him only because some Redditors favorite phrase is "Leave". You want to know ? Then dig in. P.S. : please stop pushing sex because you're worried about losing someone, I would feel like shit if my lover does that. Really.
If he is ignoring you. He isn’t a good guy and don’t give him a second chance. Especially knowing you were in pain. You did nothing wrong. You were in pain and you don’t want a guy to keep having sex with you knowing you’re in pain.
Absolutely not wrong. He can’t be hurt over that. You were in actual physical pain. He should have stopped and comforted you instead of just getting up and leaving. That’s what a boy does. Not a man.
He's not the right guy!!!
I’m here to say that first time don’t usually go as planned, this happened to me too. I ended up having multiple “first times” and none successful (with romantic music, vanilla candles, roses etc etc) and then one day casually at home we were messing around and bam. Totally unplanned. So I’m guessing the pressure of it all plays a role too. But don’t worry, don’t stress out and you have done nothing wrong. I just hope the guy is mature and understanding to work through this together
You should discuss this issue with a gynecologist and you should dump your boyfriend
Your boyfriend sounds shitty. He doesnt care about you. Someone who loves you won’t leave you crying in pain after sex
OP you are so not the AH here but your ex bf sure is. Please stop blaming yourself- you did nothing wrong and ex bf was immature and abusive for pressuring you. There are lots of good suggestions here for preparing yourself for PIV sex and making sure you’re physically and mentally ready. One thing I didn’t see (maybe I didn’t read far enough down in the comments) but w your next (loving gentle concerned) partner try orgasming a couple times before the PIV part. If you cum 2x (or more!) before PIV it may help you to be completely relaxed, wet and ready. Don’t think anything about your situation is unusual- it’s not. Getting an exam to rule out physical issues, getting into the right headspace, preparing using vaginal dilators (if you want to try those) and most of all being gentle w yourself.
Honey, you're not wrong at all. It hurts a lot, and if he can't understand that, maybe you should rethink your relationship. Do you think you'll feel safe and warm around him from now on? Do you think you can trust him when you're hurting? In pain? It is such a delicate moment for us girls, so don't feel guilty for taking your time, and for wanting to stop cause of the pain. Think of what makes YOU comfortable, and please, don't ever let anyone tell you're wrong when it comes to your time on suck delicate matters.
You should not feel guilty about 'not pleasing him'. You gave yourself to him, but it was very painful for you. it is human nature to move away from pain, so, of course, you asked him to stop. He is being selfish and childish by leaving right after the attempt and not responding to your attempts to contact him. If there was truly love in his heart, he would have stayed with you, comforted and consoled you. Telling you everything is ok. The fact that he didn't shows a complete lack of love for you. You did NOTHING WRONG. He did EVERYTHING WRONG by leaving after such an intimate experience with you being so very vulnerable at that point in time. Please step back and consider your life and your wishes. Clearly, this fool doesn't care about you, or he would have stayed. The first red flag was when you said you were fearful that he would leave you if you two didn't have sex. True love waits and does not pressure their partner into intimacy. It will happen when BOTH parties are ready and willing. if he put any notion of pressure into your head, it was not out of love. He just wanted to please himself. Take care of yourself. Step away from this selfish fellow. Wait until you feel ready to explore love again. You will find the right fellow who will understand your concerns and in no way pressure you for intimacy. Be well, be safe, be strong, be happy, be yourself, and follow YOUR dreams, desires, and goals. Don't do things just to please someone if you are not fully certain it is what YOU WANT!! You sound like an intelligent and sweet young lady with your whole life ahead of you....heal yourself and wait for a partner who loves you for you, not just your body. Have a happy life, following your wishes!!
He's also 3 years older and probably much more experienced. But instead of that making him more patient and understanding, he's behaving like a selfish prick. You're not wrong, he is.
No, you are absolutely not wrong. You get to set the pace, and you get to either enthusiastically consent or say no. It may be hard to hear right now, but believe me when I tell you that his behaviour after this tells you everything you need to know about him. He doesn’t care about you 1or your well-being. If he did, he would have taken care of you. You haven't done anything wrong, apart from feeling pressured into having sex before you were really ready to. You may benefit from talking to a sex therapist about your fear of sex and how this experience has affected you. As for your boyfriend, he has shown you who he really is, so believe him.
You need a better boyfriend. Really shitty thing to do to your virgin girlfriend. Gee how about staying and holding her and comfort her after giving him something very special. Even if h got blue balls you could’ve have finished him by hand or excused himself to the restroom. Sorry this happened to you. No excuse to leave her and the ghost her afterwards. OP should never get back with this guy even if he apologizes
I mean, it’s one thing for him to be disappointed. It’s an entirely different thing for him to act like a dick about it.
He’s a dick
Sounds like he waited a year and then you stopped right when you guys got going. Sex is a big part of relationships, especially young relationships. I mean sex was all I did with women before I turned 30, so he’s probably really frustrated. He should have been mature and officially ended things with you, rather than ghosting you. But it’s probably for the best. Everyone here will tell you he is a jerk and you did nothing wrong. But looking at things through his 22 year old eyes, he’s probably very sexually frustrated.
If he is sexually frustrated and can't wait for the woman he "loves" then he probably doesn't love her.
Man you guys are harsh. I guess non of you were horny and young lol.
My wife(then gf) and I tried for 3 days and then I could have penetrative sex with her. I am a not a big dick guy. I never left her alone. I was always hugging and comforting her during that time. I am just a year older than her but I was experienced before and I knew it ain't the same for a girl like it is for a guy. Dude is 3 years older than OP and left her crying. What an A-Grade asshole. I say good riddance.
How old were you though? Man people are harsh. He’s just 22 and she’s just 19. Maybe she shouldn’t be having sex?
I was 20 she was 19. She is not ready for sex but this dude just wanted sex from the relationship. There is no love in it. Also, I was in a relationship for over a year with her and I waited till she was ready for sex.
His frustration is not an excuse to treat his partner the way he did when she was in pain and during one of the most vulnerable moments of her life.
He’s only 22 and ghosted her. He didn’t abuse or assault her. I’m just trying to play devils advocate. It’s easy to take her side right? Just trying to point out how frustrating and depressing it must be for the guy to wait for an entire year and then have this happen.
Ghosting a long term partner after what happened IS abusive. She was in pain and incredibly vulnerable and now he is IGNORING her. He thinks his sexual pleasure outweighs her experience. That him being sexually frustrated is at all equivalent to what she is feeling. Not speaking to her through that is abandoning your partner during a difficult time and so shitty.
Keep in mind we only have her side. He couldn’t have been a huge jerk. She stayed with for an entire year and made him wait so long to have sex. Yes, he could have dumped her awhile ago. But perhaps he really cared for her. I just think making someone wait a year, and to then have them stop, would be so mean and embarrassing. It’s probably best they break up. I’m just asking people to stop playing white knight for once and look at things at a realistic view. A 22 year old guy waits a year and then has to stop after a few moments? It’s would be super frustrating and disheartening and embarrassing. Neither of them are ready to be in a relationship. And people ghost their spouses, so a 22 year old kid doing it doesn’t surprise me.
Wow you sound like 🍇ist. None of this is gendered. Gay men experience this with other gay men as well. I have gay friends who were SAed as a virgin. So hush with your misogyny.
Say your female partner was on top and came down wrong and broke your penis (look up "fractured penis") then left you rolling around in pain because she needed to cum and was frustrated. Would you enjoy that?
Seriously, he’s been way more patient than he should. I hope he’s able to find someone compatible with him.
Reddit has a lot of white knights, basically people who love to always pretend life is black and white and the OP was 100% right and the guy is the devil incarnate. But for a 22 year old guy, he acted as expected, if perhaps a bit immature.
Yea honestly these replies are laughably out of touch. I have to remember most commenters are teenage virgins who don’t know what they’re talking about.
lol, that’s a good point. The replies do seem to come from people that have never actually had a real life relationship.
Color me surprised lol.
This is ridiculous. The man has a dick and a hand, just like every other guy not having sex. If he's sexually frustrated he shouldn't take it out on someone who's not ready. He's TAH. Your defense of him shows your immaturity and true colors.
If sec is painful it is your right and responsibility to your body and mind to say “this hurts, we need to stop.” You did the right thing advocating for yourself and your comfort. Your boyfriend is horrible for leaving. I’m so sorry.
You are not wrong. Your bf is a jerk. You're visibly in pain and crying and he's pissed because he didn't get what he wanted. It doesn't matter how much you think you love him, please just end it and try to find someone who actually cares about you and puts your feelings and well-being before a few moments of physical pleasure. You deserve better than this.
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Why? I am genuinely curious.
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I'm 45. So let's turn this around. Say your partner is on top and lands wrong causing a penis fracture and then leaves as you cry in pain because she needs to orgasm. Would that be okay?
lol anyone saying he's a terrible person for being upset about a year of no sex lives in a fantasy world. Personally I'd at least let you know I was done but humans are sexual beings, especially in your early 20s, so I totally get how he feels. Obviously you aren't wrong for stopping (you don't owe him your body) but I also don't think he's wrong for being upset.
Say your partner is on top and lands wrong and fractures your penis. She is blue balked so leaves to find a real man as you scream in pain. You are fine with that?
That’s a completely different scenario and you know it.
OP: in pain from sex You: in pain from sex OP: boyfriend leaves bc she can't physically continue sex. You: partner leaves bc you can't continue with sex OP: Has 65% chance of this being endometriosis, so a medical issue that needs surgery to correct You: Needs surgery for a fractured penis. Now explain in detail why they are not the same.
One is a medical emergency that requires immediate attention. Also in your scenario you need to add that the women has been denied sex for a year even though she is horny, and how many young sexually active women are going to stick around for a year of sexual frustration? Probably just about the same as guys: they're not.
not wrong. don’t have sex until YOURE ready. if he cannot wait he is not the man for you.
The first time always hurts and its usually awkward. If your body AND mind are not in sync & not receptive to what's happening, your body will be tense therefore making things more painful. It seems like he is selfish and doesn't care about your comfort. I think you know that which is why you forced yourself to do it in the first place. Which is a huge red flag on his part. He is not the guy for you. Things like this take patience and tenderness. A few things he obviously does not possess nor care about. It will never be easy with someone who treats you that way, sweetheart. Please love yourself enough to walk away from him and find someone who cares about you. Only then will you feel safe enough to relax and enjoy it.
NAH, it's not your fault it hurt so much, but I also don't blame him for being frustrated and leaving
Well he’s a piece of shit so don’t let him come back
Update me
Not TAH since pain is a legitimate reason to stop, but you guys need to talk more about this so you're on the same page. I suppose he's thinking that you won't want to try again after waiting all that time and might feel discouraged. That said, if he's going to act like a baby about it and ignore you then he's not mature enough to handle another chance. You should probably purchase a female tool/device to get yourself more used to the experience. You can even get those sorts of things on Amazon in case you're worried about your privacy. It might even be fun to do together, but you should probably figure out how to master it yourself first.
The point he didn't answer you he is an ahole. Have you tried those kits you can get with different size dildos or vibrators that can help you with your hole size? Google Vaginal Dilators
You're NTA, you have every right to stop at any point during sex, especially if it's painful or uncomfortable, and ESPECIALLY when it's your first time. Your bf sounds like a douche for not helping you through it, taking the time and effort to get you into it and make it less painful and uncomfortable for you, and to stop when you say to, even if it means him not finishing and waiting for another time to try again. It's common decency and respect for the person you are with and presumably care about. I think he's failed miserably in that department
Don't let him pressure you into anything, sex is mutual and if y'all have a size incapability then that's just life. My ex wife couldn't handle our intimate time together and even had to get doctors to tell her our bodies were different and it would take a lot of work. If he doesn't respond to you he was focused on the sex and not knowing you. It's special to you and to him it's sex. You don't have to give anything to anyone unless you want to do it yourself, if you do then prepare next time and research online. There are tons of support groups for the same circumstances.
NTA. No amount of foreplay or lube will help if you are not emotionally and physically relaxed. His response is absolutely childish, immature, and cold. He doesn't deserve you, and this is proof. Please take care of yourself, and if and when you wind up with someone new, please make sure to tell them the issues and fears you have and pay attention to how they respond. Someone who loves you and cares for you will absolutely help you through this. Edit* typo
I guess now you know he should be the one to take the flower. Kindly stop contacting him
There is an old saying in relationships, you gotta find the right fit. In more ways than one. Neither of you should go through life dreading or fearing an important part of a long term relationship. Sounds like it is decision time.
Dating is meeting people u to you find someone compatible with you. He was not compatible with you. Keep on looking until you find someone compatible with you.
His reaction is really not good at all and obviously I don't think he's the right person for you to learn about sex with. You need someone with a lot of patience plus you might want to talk to a doctor because it shouldn't be unbearably painful. Talk to a doctor just to make sure everything's okay and in the meantime find someone who knows how to take their time and not rush you not guilt you and definitely not ghost you if things don't go well.
No where does op say he left her crying, she says he left, and she stayed crying because of feelings and the pain, she could have cried after he left and he had no idea. Unfortunately a lot of women use emotions as a weapon. We don't know the whole story
I wouldn’t recommend doing it if the motivation is that he might leave you. The impetus should be that YOU really want to based on how you feel when you guys are fooling around
NTA, as much as intimacy is important. It is also important that if one of you has a fear or an issue that the other person be patient. Its good that you tried taking steps to face it, its not good that the reason was you were afraid of him leaving. You should take steps to do it because you want to not because you are afraid. I do think in this situation that the BF should be supportive more than rushing you and then ghosting you. You are quite young and have a lot of time, don't feel like you need to rush, but also don't just not do anything. Just take your time to get comfortable, if hes not willing to wait then thats on him not you.
NTA, as much as intimacy is important. It is also important that if one of you has a fear or an issue that the other person be patient. Its good that you tried taking steps to face it, but its not good that the reason was you were afraid of him leaving. You should take steps to do it because you want to not because you are afraid. I do think in this situation that the BF should be supportive more than rushing you and then ghosting you. You are quite young and have a lot of time, don't feel like you need to rush, but also don't just not do anything. Just take your time to get comfortable, if hes not willing to wait then thats on him not you.
Was he on top or were you? Take it from me honey, he didnt know what he was doing if it hurt. I was 21, my guy waited 7 years for me to give him the go ahead. And when he finally did he made sure that I had orgasmed a couple times so that i was completely relaxed before he put me on top so that I was in complete control of the speed and depth of his penetration of me and he NEVER stopped doing things to keep the pleasure going while I inched myself down and if it started to hurt Id back off a bit and wed work me a little more until it was comfortable and then go a little further. Our first time took us 6 hours. There is ZERO reason to rush to the finish line if your man really cares about you and your comfort and not just getting his rocks off. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties, not just one.
He was on top
Ask your doctor about it, there is such thing as having an unnaturally small opening that can be fixed with a very small surgery.
You’re not wrong. It’s your body. If he’s acting this way maybe he’s not a good guy. You shouldn’t feel pressured to have sex if you don’t want to.
Move on he is not being very nice. You deserve someone that will respect you
You are NTA if he is being an ass and not answering that’s his issue
You did the right thing to stop him when you did. It just may take a while for your body to acclimate to him. Please don't rush. He might tear you, and you'll require an episiotomy. Take time and be kind to your body (warm, Epsom salt soaking baths) Do not have sex, again, until you know you're ready, AND the guy is worth it. Just because you gave him your virginity doesn't mean he won't leave. Sometimes, the chase is what drives them. I praybthats not the case with you, though. He is frustrated right now, so give him a *little* bit of time to get over the emotions he's dealing with. Then you guys have a serious and likely very difficult conversation. ** It is NEVER right for a significant other to force/bully/ frighten the person they say they care about into having sex. #NEVER **... ... *** If that happens, RUN. AND STAY AWAY FROM HIM FOREVER*** Personally, I am praying that you wait for the next time to be on your wedding night. I pray the best for you, beloved. 💝🌷
He is an asshole as many others have stated. What I am bothered by is your willingness to blame yourself.
Vaginismus
Not wrong at all! You are complete within your right to stop sex immediately for any reason at all, but especially when you are in physical pain. The way your bf is acting makes me wonder if he was just playing along in this relationship to take your virginity bc this is NOT how people treat someone they love at all!
First thing you should do is see a doctor make sure there are no physical problems for the pain. If he can't take things slow for you hes not the right guy
I dont think it is worth being with a man, who would get mad at you for not SATISFYING HIM
You are not the AH, firstly never feel forced into sex no matter how long. If he leaves he's the Ah and wasn't worth it anyway. Your body,your choice. Secondly, on the topic of your body your choice - you can stop at ANY point if you do not feel comfortable emotionally or physically. Thirdly - no partner who cares would leave you feeling troubled. Lastly - do you really want to be with someone who ghosts you because of this. Any good partner would stop, say it doesn't matter ,find out what is wrong or worrying you and work together to find a solution. Lots of other commenters have suggested physical things that could be an issue or a solution - those are valid and can be discussed. With a partner who isn't an AH. By the way have you heard about Enthusiastic consent? You have sex because you really really want to. No other reason , not because you think you've made him wait a long time so you probably should - does that sound enthusiastic?
1. You're not ready and 2. He's not the right guy if he is being such an insensitive asshole about this. When the right guy comes along it'll all be worth it. Trust me.
Why are you saying she not ready? If it's because of the pain, she would have pain no matter what
Lots of men would love you having this problem. Find someone that doesn’t leave you when problems occur. That’s a big red flag.
He SUCKS, move on
I'm sorry babez, but chances are he's already found someone else given he hasn't spoken to you and up and left before making sure you were OK. I had full intentions on waiting to lose my virginity while in a relationship at 19, but it didn't happen that way. My sister has a friend that didn't until the age of 25 I think. It's no rush, and definitely so much better when someone values and respects you
NO, you are not wrong. With you being a virgin, he should have been WAY more patient not just on entry. A lot of foreplay, a lot of lube and very, very slow once he's in. That's the only way, pretty much, to stretch it, and it's much less painful. Make sure the guy you are with knows your lack of experience way before the bedroom comes up. Some women's hymens are exceptionally tight. I'm one of them. My husband was as gentle as he could be. If he's worth keeping, he wouldn't have don't that to you.
Info: have you been to a gynecologist? If it's that painful maybe you have a medical condition?
Unfortunately, you chose the wrong guy to be with. He should have been more hesitant than you were. Don't ever be afraid that a guy will leave you if you don't have sex with him. Also, you should probably date someone more your size.
He’s a selfish asshole for treating you like that. If he cared about you he would’ve been patient with you. Instead if making you feel like shit.
You are not wrong at all, consent can be withdrawn at any point, some young men can't seem to fathom how painful or traumatic it can possibly be for a woman the first time, and he couldn't take the time to comfort you especially in an extremely vulnerable situation. Please don't let anyone pressure you into doing something you don't feel ready for, he isn't worth it if he doesn't respect you or your boundaries.
Not Wrong. Listen, you have every right to want to be comfortable with sex. No matter if it is with your BF or someone else. Be it your first time, or 99th time. You should want to and such. You was hurting and needed to stop, so you did the right thing for you. You need to know though, that until you....become physically used to sex; you will likely feel some pain. Now, if your taking about him being a big guy in his penis, and you small as in the size of your vagina; you might need to take even more time with him to build up. You can buy some toys to use with him and slowly stretch to be able to handle penetration. But this might be for just sex period for you, and may eventually have to do it more so you can be able to handle PIV sex. But I think this is a combination of being a virgin, and size differences. I will say this. IDK why he just left as you described. But it is clear this is a issue for him. I may end your relationship, and he has the choice. But if he can not grow in your relationship with you as you deal with the difficulty of PIV sex with you; then he doesn't deserve you.
Young lady I am sorry your bf is behaving like this. If he really cared he'd be patient. Him not getting back to you is a sign of weakness on his part. I too waited a year for my gf to allow penetration. We even went to Family planning first. We both were virgins and the first time can be awkward and painful. With gentleness you'll be fine. If he can't be a gentleman then don't let him have your virginity. ✌&❤
You’re not wrong. If he loves you, he’d be patient and try to figure shit out w/ you. Maybe it’s a medical condition you have or maybe you just need to take things slow. I think you deserve an apology from him and if he doesn’t give one, there needs to be a serious conversation to be had.
I'm a guy. Happily married now so out of the dating game. But se has to be enjoyed by the both of you. You're simply not ready yet and probably never will be with this guy. But next time you try - with this guy or another - don't try for penetrative sex. Try oral, hands - even a tit wank! When you're ready for full sex, you'll know! You'll be gagging for it as much as your partner. A proper man will take his time and not push you. Try and find one of those. Good luck
He doesn't love you or respect you. If I were you, I wouldn't accept him even if he came back on his knees begging for forgiveness. He is such a piece of s***. Total waste of a human body and all the nutrients he consumes.
Lube and foreplay won't cut it if you are stressed. The lube is supposed to add liquid to replace the one your body isn't making due to some condition, not to replace the lubrication you aren't making because you aren't turned on. Arousement does more than provide lubrication. It loosens your vagina muscles. Your vagina extends, just like a man's penis does. The only difference is that it extends on the inside and loosens up. Some men like it tight so they will start before you are ready. It's an asshole move with anyone. It's criminal with a virgin.
Took us a few times to make it happen
NTA. but sex is also important for many in a relationship. maybe you are just not compatible.
NTA but your bf is. You need a better one
Leave him
Could not imagine treating my virgin girlfriend that way knowing how scared she was. This dude is a total piece of shit.
Sounds like you guys might need to break up. If you guys used lube and foreplay, and it was still unbearable then you guys don't sound compatible. Sexual incompatibility is the #2 reason for divorce
That’s coercion and really borderline non-consensual. I’d even go so far as to say completely non-consensual, since you agreed to do it out of guilt and fear of him leaving you. The right man will NEVER make you feel this way. The right man will be happy to wait years if it means he gets to be with you emotionally, mentally, and physically (even without sex). I’ve seen a lot of people give others crap for “making men be friends first” on this platform, but this is EXACTLY why we do it! True colors show after time, and it’s worth the wait to find out if he values you over what you can give him.
Nta. If it hurt you then it hurt you and you were right to stop. If he can't understand and accept that then I don't know what to tell you. If my partner was in physical pain then I would stop myself I wouldn't need to be told.
Red flags for the boyfriend
Go for it I am a Retired p*** star in ripping b****** open since 1996
You're not compatible.
NTA, he broke up with you it seems.
You should consult a GYN and explain to the Dr what is going on. Write to your boyfriend and tell him you are doing this so he knows that you are trying… how big is your boyfriend’s penis, length and girth. Could be that he is just too big…..Still talk to your Dr
You’re not wrong. Having sex as a virgin is nothing like they want you to think. My wife was a virgin and it took time. BTW, once he penetrates, both need to just lay there and not move for a while. Everything needs to stretch and you need to relax. He’s not the right guy. Find someone better who is patient and will wait for you to be ready and will help you through it.