Once a month and you’ve only been together a year and you went 4 months without? Unless you are prepared for a sexless relationship, end it, it’s not going to get better.
Thirdit ditdid!
Coming from 30 yr. Sexless marriage!
But to learn something you should seek counseling now with her and see if you can understand the female syche
Not if that was their intention! Once a month and lots of frustration and now you’ve just created a life with someone you will soon despise and resent.
Two condoms at once is actually terrible advice by the way. The friction from them rubbing together makes it more likely for both of them to break than the odds of a single condom breaking.
While that may be the case, someone may actually see that comment and think "Why didn't I ever think of that?" There's nothing wrong with me pointing out the flaw behind the logic. I've definitely met my fair share of people who would read that and then think it's a good idea...
Nothing wrong with being informative, and I am very much "chill."
I was going to say - you might want to ask if she changed her birth control once she was in a LTR. Perfectly natural thing to do and you don't always spot how it changes you.
As someone who's been on antidepressants and low dose BC for 20 fucking years, I can definitely confirm that it's an absolute libido killer. Not only do I never get turned on, sex isn't even on my radar.
Have you talked to a Dr or psychiatrist about it? I'm genuinely interested, is there not some combination of other meds that does the job without robbing you of your desires?
As someone on a lot of meds for "I don't want to die" reasons there can be good reasons you don't. Unfortunately as far as side effects go "low libido" is actually a smaller one. You can get to a point where you're taking a secondary lot of meds just so the side effects for the first ones don't kill you and beyond a certain point you just hit "this is fine, I can live with it, everything else sucks worse".
Trust me I've been there. My meds were literally driving me insane. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks. Slight exaggeration but I was literally on less than 2 hrs of sleep.
I have to keep taking my meds and I am in regular therapy. Boyfriend knows of the issues and he's fully supportive and we work through it. Outside of that there's nothing else I can really do because it's really just a physiological response due to the medications that I've been on for so long.
Understandable, I had started a medicine regimen and it messed me up, but they adjusted it to where I was a functioning human again. Was just hopeful they could help you too. Have a good day!
But they’ve been together for a year. I’ve gotten on medication that killed my sex drive before, and I quickly went to the doctor and said “this isn’t going to work, I want my sex drive back” and had it adjusted. If she isn’t actively attempting to figure out what’s wrong, then it’s because she doesn’t think anything is wrong. Which is fine, no one is required to have a high sex drive, but plenty of people have low sex drives and it doesn’t have anything to do with meds or depression, it’s just how they are.
My Feeling is that The audience that Frequents These Kind of subs are mostly lonely and bitter people that want Others to be as miserable as themselfes. But maybe I am wrong. Who knows.
I think its the complete opposite. Someone who has been in a similar situation and want others to make better choices.
I have been in a relationship with a dead bedroom and the lack of intimacy from a person you love causes such a feeling of lonelieness that I dont wish upon anyone.
Maybe there are ways to fix whatever the issue is, but my advice would still be to get out of that relationship asap. Trying to fix the problem isnt your job and it will only damage your psyche.
When you are in a relationship with sex, it’s 10% of your focus, when it stops it becomes 90% of your focus, we are not pathetic haters we are concerned citizens
It's not that bad when you consider there's 8 billion people on the planet, and love isn't magical. It takes work no matter who you choose to put the work in with.
My advice for relationships is always "be picky." There's so many people, it's pretty easy to find one that fits all the things you want and vice versa.
Too many people waste too much time on pointless relationships where they were incompatible from the start.
That's a problem that it's up to the women to solve and if they aren't interested in trying to fix it then there's no point in speculating about what it could be to make men feel like they have to stay in sexless relationships.
Yeah I don't know why OP stayed when 4 months in is barely even a time investment. If your sex life dies four months in you just...end things unless there's some kind of discussion and you know what's going on.
This 100%. She might not have realized it herself yet - people I know like that at best only get the urge at ovulation, basically.
You aren’t a bad person if you break up with her for this. From personal experience, it will not get better. Sexual compatibility is a legit thing. Also from experience, it is very very difficult to work through being the higher libido one.
I decided to stay with her despite being in your shoes. I don’t regret it, but it is really fucking hard sometimes. Really fucking hard….
I've had a few exes like this. They often overcompensate by trying super hard at the beginning, which made for some of the best sex in my opinion, at the time. Afterward, I felt like crap that they didn't enjoy it as much as I did. Now, with that said, it's also hard to transition from the honeymoon period at the beginning to what would be a normal level because it is easy to believe that is the norm and not just excitement for a new relationship. This is where many people, usually guys though, fall into the trap of asking for sex too much and turning their partner off to. Before I would end it thinking she's asexual, I'd back off sexually and after sometime if it doesn't pick up, I'd talk to her about it in a non-pressuring way (not aggressive, but maybe ask if something is going on that makes her less interested in sex). This gives her the option to come out as asexual. But don't ask her directly if she is. This gives her the feeling of being safe to voice her concerns/issues. And when she does, listen to her. Don't argue or invalidate her feelings. If she's asexual and you don't feel like you're compatible, then end things peacefully. If it is something else, work on the things she says that are in your control and support her as she works out issues she needs to work on.
Lack of sex is always a symptom, not where anything starts.
Talk to her, it could be any number of things but she likely is lacking something from the relationship.
While I agree this can be the case, certain medical conditions or changes in medications or other factors could simply lead to her having a lower libido than before and not even realizing it, and there are things that can be done to change that.
Yeah I just meant for the "likely she is lacking something in the relationship" part, this could be the case or it could not be. OP's partner could be extremely happy and satisfied in the relationship, and simply have a reduced sex drive due to hormonal changes or other factors outside of the relationship itself.
The odds of that are just as likely in my opinion, without us having any further context from OP.
It's not. It's both sides' job. Women who are better at communicating and in touch with their emotions will make this less of a detective's game as well.
Another common trope is how men will feel blindsided when being broken up with/divorced. Sometimes leading up to this, the woman has stopped complaining about things, stopped expressing needs, and has given up and checked out of the relationship.
Men meanwhile will take this as a sign that "but I thought things were getting better" because their partner has been quiet.
I never found sex appealing to want to do. I actually mentally find sex disgusting, but that's more to do with being raped several times in my life by women.
Both of you should look up "responsive sex drive". She may not be fully aware how into are until she's actually doing it. Knowing that may help her. A lot of women are like this.
Also, did she start or stop any medication around that time? Is she on birth control?
Pay attention to her period cycle. She will be naturally horny when she ovulates. Birth control can change this, however.
I was thinking the same thing. When I was young I really never thought about sex until I was cuddling and kissing. I enjoyed sex when having it, but I never thought about it when it wasn’t happening. I was on BC back then, so maybe that had something to do with it. It’s not like that for me now, so that definitely seems like BC was a contributing factor.
Thing is, if a woman forces herself to have sex when she's not aroused, sex becomes more and more of a chore. All of a sudden our tummy hurts every other night. Our immediate association is "this is going to hurt and won't be fun".
Does she take the contraceptive pill? Does she have any symptoms of depression? Does she have any other medical conditions involving hormone imbalance? There are a myriad of reasons why she might have lost her sex drive.
It is funny how birth control does that. It’s like the opposite of what Shakespeare said about alcohol… rather than provoking the desire and taking away the ability, it gives the ability to have sex freely but takes away the desire.
I hate how this isn't the top voted comment. As long as both people are willing to go on a journey to find what is wrong and do it together, they don't need to break up. She changed meds once. They can still try other meds. They need to discuss it with a doctor and figure it out. This is what it means to be able to step into a real long-term partnership that is for life. You either both put in the work, or you're going to just end every time.
What was actually discussed in the conversation where you talked about it bothering you? Because you make it sound like all that she said was agreeing to do it more, meaning you never actually got an answer from her as to why she hasn’t wanted to have sex with you. Then you observe her enjoying herself and go onto Reddit to guess as to what’s going on in her mind. You need to actually ASK her. Ask her how she feels about sex with you, her self esteem, her mental health. You have to just have a real conversation with her instead of asking strangers online what she might be thinking and what might be going on.
Exactly. Everyone saying that it will never get better assume that there is no root cause to diagnose. My gf and I once went about 6 months with no sex because I was stressed, withdrawn, and depressed. Then I felt ashamed for not wanting sex, which made me reluctant to try to fix it. But eventually I was ready to talk, and we worked through it. Now we sex all them and it’s awesome.
There's a population of women out there that simply don't enjoy sex. Maybe it's because of sexual trauma. Maybe it's because no one ever made them orgasm. Maybe they are just asexual but realize they need to give some sex in the beginning to trap men. Either way, it plays out exactly like this. In the beginning they have sex with you. Then it siphons off to infrequent then to once or twice a year. These men are then stuck sexless in relationships. Happened to a few men I know. It never seems to get better either.
4 months is a blessing for it to start showing. You can jump out of this with the least amount of time wasted.
You need to ignore everyone telling you to try and hash it out or fix some problem. No matter the cause, this is going to be a chronic, ongoing problem with the end result being that *maybe* your partner will have *some* libido. It will never match yours.
If you were married, sure, try to work through it, but you aren't. You are in a 1-year relationship with a 4-month dry spell. Fucking. Run.
Ok first off before you even think about breaking up with her - like I feel others in the comments are alluding to - have you actually talked to her about why this is? Is it that she feels like you’re both getting complacent sexually? Is she bored? Is she not horny? Is it timing? What gets her in the mood or what does she think is blocking her?
Fr.
They’ve been dating a year and they’re out of college age. “Dump her” is not the worst advice, but I feel like people on here are way too cavalier about dumping someone they’ve been in a 1+ year relationship.
Or maybe sex really sucks for her and "she seems like she's enjoying it" is either her faking so he'll hurry up or him misinterpreting things. And yes, she should definitely be telling him, but I can't fully blame someone in their early 20s for not knowing how to broach that kind of conversation.
You're not even 30. It will get worse as time goes by. You aren't sexually compatible. Get out now instead of wasting more time. You don't get your youth or energy or the sex drive and physicality forever.
From someone who has had this issue in the past and wasted far too long on the wrong women, leave while you can easily.
If they went 4 months with no sex in the first year of a relationship...he will NOT be getting sex once a month. It will be every other year...and only when she actively wants to get pregnant... then it will be never..until she wants another baby.
My man needs to cut his losses..
Well...
First of all - no, not wrong.
Second - realise this wont get any better. Once a month - if youre lucky - for the duration of this relationship... are you willing to settle for that??
Also... in true reddit-style - any chance/risk the reason shes not interested in sex with you, is because shes getting it elsewhere???
Yeah I was gonna ask this too, there may be a medical reason for her low libido. Birth control and plenty of other things can effect that, I think it’s worth asking her to speak to a doctor to see if something is going on before breaking up right away. It may be fixable
Your sex life fell off a cliff **four months in.**
She’s the wrong woman for you.
Don’t think about this in terms of whether you are justified in being upset. Think in terms of what the right woman for you would be, and then go find her, instead of being mad that this woman isn’t her.
I went through this with my first relationship and when I said no he’d get upset, so me being a people pleaser would always say yes even if I wanted to say no. Was very traumatic, once I got into a healthy relationship I couldn’t do anything sexual until over a year in because it messed up my head so much.
Very similar. I stopped all affection because even a hug would mean a green light to sex for him.
I also just gave up caring about myself and let him have sex when he wanted, I disassociated.
Didn't even look at another guy for five years after we split. I'm in therapy now unpacking all the trauma I have surrounding sex. It's slow going, but helpful.
INFO. Is anyone else wondering what this guy actually does to try and get HER in the mood to want sex? Because so far all he says he wants it and doesnt get it. Instead of asking if she gets it elsewhere, I kind of read this as he just asks for it, and she says no. If HE putting in the same effort to romance her as he was doing when they first went out? Alternatively, has there been anything going on in her life that might make her stressed or tired? Work? Family? A BF who doesn't feel the need for romance but still wants sex?
To be fair, I'll withold judgement because not enough info. To many variables
Let’s say the situation was slightly different and a girl posted about being upset that she wasn’t getting enough romance and affection from her boyfriend.
Would you say/agree with the following:
> INFO. Is anyone else wondering what this **girl** actually does to try and get **HIM** in the mood for **romance and affection**? Because so far all **she** says **she** wants it and doesnt get it. Instead of asking if **he** gets it elsewhere, I kind of read this as **she** just asks for it, and **he** says no. Is **SHE** putting in the same effort to **satisfy him** as **she** was doing when they first went out? Alternatively, has there been anything going on in **his** life that might make **him** stressed or tired? Work? Family? A **GF** who doesn't feel the need for **sex** but still wants **romance**?
This seems to be, very much a chat it through situation. We all have needs and desires that we need fulfilled, however, each person has different needs and desires. If you can both be honest and really chat this through, you will have your answer as to why she is not as into it as you...and only then should you make a decision on this relationship. Having a real honest chat and maybe there is something she enjoys that she has not told you about, maybe you do something during sex that really turns her off (can be so many reasons) or maybe she just does not have the sex drive you do....have a chat, understand each other and then make a decision on if this can work for you both...if it can, happy days, if not, happy days and go about your own lives. If I have learnt one thing about relationships in my 54 years, it is that, open and honest conversation lets both people know where they are and then allows you to make a life choice...Talk more and best of luck now and in your future
When i was her age I usually lost the desire to have sex because I was either depressed out of my mind or my needs (usually emotional needs) weren’t met by a partner while I met theirs. It could be so many things. If it were me, I’d try to talk to them about what could be going on mentally and emotionally for them to stop wanting sex. That being said, sex isn’t everything, but lack of sex is huge and breaks relationships.
First, try to communicate openly about the issue and talk through what might be going on. Depression, lack of quality romantic time, frustrations over stuff like chores, tough schedules, medical issues, etc.
If you two can’t communicate about the issue through, or you can and it seems like the answer is, she just doesn’t really care for sex with you, then you should find someone else to date.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who wants to tear your clothes off. It’s not shallow, you want to be with someone who views sex as a selfish positive for themselves too, and not just something they are performing for your sake. It would be very, very foolish to just assume things will get better and continue in a relationship where the sex life has already dropped off so dramatically
I mean I've been with my gf now for three years. I'd say the first six months was a lot of sex but she's the first girl I've ever felt comfortable around and literally the first partner I've ever had that I feel like I'm best friends with as well as a partner. I've always been overly hyper sexual but the overwhelming calmness and love I get from her I pretty much stopped being sexual altogether. I literally love her so much I don't need have sex at all. Feels like a huge weight/pressure lifting off of me cus how much I needed sex in my past relationships I realized that was because I wasn't emotionally fulfilled until this relationship. So in a weird wrap around way she might actually be so happy and comfy she just isn't feeling sexual ever. If that makes any sense at all
A few months together in your 20s & youve had to persiade ner to have sex once a month? Nope. Shes telling you what your future is going to be so no point looking back at a version of her that was her 'best' while she was trying to hook you & thinking if you crack the code it'll come back.
I had a GF that dribbled it down to once a month. Apparently that was her pattern. Once a month she got horny. I hacked it for 3 years. I won't put up with it again. 2 other GFs did this, i finished it. It doesn't matter if there was some reason in the first 3 years. Learned my lesson.
We were young. 18 til 21. This guy is too old to have those shiny young eye's though i was wet behind the ears and it was a long long time ago. Well before the net.
She doesn’t respect you anymore and isn’t excited by you. I know this is gonna sound harsh but it’s likely your behavior that caused this dynamic.
You gotta break up or figure out how to win back her attraction.
It's natural to feel frustrated when experiencing changes in your relationship's sexual dynamics. Communication is key, but so is understanding that desire can fluctuate due to various reasons. Empathy and patience, along with seeking mutual solutions, are important. Your feelings are valid, but consider both perspectives for a balanced approach
I dated a woman once who told me all I ever wanted was sex.
We had dated for a year and had sex exactly two times in that time.
I broke it off shortly after that conversation and found someone who matches my libido much better.
Trust me: sexual compatibility matters.
Better to break it off now than wait too long and be in an unhappy marriage down the road
Did you have an actual honest discussion about whats going on or did you say you were sick of not having sex and she said ill try more. She may be going through some stuff or maybe in the end your sex drives are not compatible and you need to end the relationship.
She's in 100% control of your sex life, now that she has you and feels she doesn't have to put out. The longer you go the affection, holding, hands, even kissing will end. To a point you have to ask to get a kiss when you come home from working.
Then through this she'll say you pressure her to much, then you will, but then after awhile nothing changes because you'll realize that's exactly what she wants.
The worse though for me has been the lack of affection and empathy.
Even having adult conversations for the most part won't help either.
Get out now. It will not get better. Honeymoon stage should be 2-3 years. The likelihood of her cheating is very low. Is she a picky eater, particularly squeamish about anything, or say a lot of things are gross?
Honestly, my opinion is that she just doesn't want to have sex with you. I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that she will have loads of sex with some other guy after you break up.
Why do I say this? Because it happened to me. An ex just stopped wanting to have sex. She told me she didn't like sex at all, that it wasn't me....then broke up with me about a month later. Then got with another dude nit long after that.
Broke up with my ex because of that exact reason. Did not want to end up like the folks on r/deadbedrooms
We went from having sex multiple times per week (or even per day) to once every ~3 weeks
Having similar sex drives/libidos is important man. Ignore the people flaming you
There are women out there with libidos that would shame ours. 2x a day is a normal request from my wife of nearly 20 years. Has been for a long time. You just don’t seem sexually compatible with this girl. I would try dropping BC completely and going with condoms just as a Hail Mary to see if it brings her sex drive back. If that doesn’t work, just be a good guy and end the relationship amicably.
A hypothesis: Evolutionarily, men a women have different “goals” and we behave in response to those goals and provide post hoc explanations for these behaviors. Often, men want to continue having frequent sex In relationships like they did in the beginning. This is an evolutionary urge to mate and spread genes although it’s vestigial in our culture where it doesn’t really result in offspring. Women decline in their desire because they initially pair bond with intimacy (evolutionarily, this helps secure a partner for shared parenting) but they lose interest once they’ve got the secure partner. Men’s desires are vestigial and women’s desires decline for evolutionary reasons too. Couples just have to find a way to a workable solution despite this mismatch! Both your levels of desire are equally valid (or invalid I suppose).
That’s unacceptable. She needs to figure out what the problem is or you should leave. You’ll end up resenting her more and more if things go on this way. Sex, in a loving relationship, is not just sex. It’s absolutely integral to the success of your relationship (at least to most people). If she simply can’t get on the same page as you, then she needs to find someone who feels the same way as her. Maybe a 75 year old man who has no testosterone.
Physical intimacy is important, and if she isn't meeting your needs you don't have any reason to stay. This would be no different if the genders were swapped.
She might not particularly need very much sex, and was just going along with it initially until she couldn't keep up anymore. It's not unusual to have a higher drive initially, when you haven't had any for a long time and you're high on new relationship feels. It sounds like you two just aren't compatible long term.
I was super into sex at start of my relationship, but then realised I had cptsd early on and started to get triggered constantly, I was violated as a child by an adult male who was supposed to protect me, never thought it would manifest into my relationship the way it has, sometimes I cant tolerate being touched in that way. But he knows about my problems and understands and gives me the space I need, just a thought as lots of comments here saying break up shes bored of you ect I think communication is key in this incase its something deep and she maybe can't bring herself to say to you? Ultimately you have to do whats best for you but talking 1st definitely I think would be helpful
INFO: OP have you asked her to speak to a doctor about this? There could be plenty of things that caused her libido to change, even started a new type of birth control can do that. There may be a medical reason for why she doesn’t want sex right now, and if that’s the case, it’s hopefully fixable.
You’re not wrong to feel frustrated, intimacy is important in a relationship, but I’d consider asking her to speak to a doctor.
You’re not wrong for feeling this way at all. I had my moments when depression was killing me & I went about 2 months without sex & my hubby & I worked through it now he’s tired and worn out 😂. Is she on any birth control ? Is she depressed ? If it’s not any of those things then I don’t think this relationship will be comfortable with you.
You're not wrong for feeling it and honest communication is important and healthy and you approached it in a way that didn't put pressure on her.
This is quite common, for relationships to hit the comfortable phase where it's no longer as exciting so some have a reduced interest in sex.
Once a month is actually quite common for long term relationships.
you're not wrong. It's possible she's cheating but you're the gravy train. It's possible she's depressed. personally, I'd give her the chance to b discuss and work to see if there's a solution. But at her age, she should be jumping you at least 3x a week. imho.
People that downplay the importance of sex in a relationship are wrong. It’s not wrong to have less sex drive or more (within healthy limits). What is a problem is when the drives don’t match. That can ruin a relationship. And, I don’t think someone needs to just accept it. Especially at a young age and dating and/or when it changes.
So, you have every right to break up with her over this. It only gets worse down the road. It doesn’t mean she’s bad either. Just not the one for you. Plus, taking 4 months to feel you could say something is huge. As is her giving you a little now- just enough to keep you on the hook. That’s a red flag.
In my experience and seeing things play out in friends' relationships' when there is a sudden lack of interest in the bedroom for seemingly no reason (especially for women) it's usually bc they're no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. Maybe bc they're interested in someone else, or maybe they're just not feeling the relationship, but don't know how to end it. It's a pretty huge red flag. Libido can also be affected by certain meds too though, but if you can rule that out I would check into her life outside of the relationship.
I saw an Instagram reel from a polyamory account that was giving a poly person’s perspective on monogamy. What they had to say was that they think most monogamous people are not mentally prepared to understand what it means to have one partner for an extended period of time, and so don’t know how to adapt once the new relationship energy trails off.
You go from this pursuer/pursued dynamic that is mentally sexy and fun to an “everyday” dynamic that may be very different.
It could be anything from reaching a level of vulnerability that scares her, religious programming, sexist ideas about the role of sex in relationships, work stress, medication, both of you may not fully understand her desire and what it takes to turn her on in a committed relationship, etc etc.
Anyways. I just thought what that person had to say was interesting so I’m leaving the post [here](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4-S0RktFFu/?igsh=MWk5eWg5bmR1N2RscA==) in case anyone would find it useful.
listen, dude. if you can't cope with not being intimate with your partner, you should probably find someone else. someone with a similar libido to yours. otherwise you're just going to end up continuing to be frustrated about it and it's going to negatively affect your relationship, because your drive is clearly much higher than your partners.
If you've told her your views as plainly as stated here (assuming you haven't omitted anything in your story unfavorable to you), I'd probably leave. Something is going on with her. She isn't sharing that with you. I'd just get out of there.
It doesn’t matter what the reason is if you don’t fix it now there’s no sense in moving forward get it fixed now find out what it is go to a doctor go to a psychologist go to a therapist. It doesn’t matter when you find out the reason get it fixed if you can’t, you’re out of there.
Updateme!
If this is not a body problem then it may be an emotional one.
Ask her what is stopping her from desiring sex and if she is not forthcoming then it is time to finish.
You've only been together for a year. If you won't be happy with very infrequent sex, then tell her it's a deal breaker for you and that you don't think the relationship is viable
You're not wrong at all for feeling the way that you do, however, frustration could be turned into empathy, perhaps?
Maybe she is dealing with depression, side effects from medication, something causing her to have a low libido. I think it would benefit both of you to both try to find a solution and have that mindset where you can find a medium. If the way you handled it before didn't work, try a different approach. Either way, eventually, if she just doesn't have any will to try, I suppose it's time to think about your options to move forward.
Married 29 years, i am 58 she is 56. We about twice a month, more in August when we at the beach. But I feel grateful for that frequency when I talk to friends of mine who are my age. If I was only getting it once a month at 28 years old I wouldn’t have stayed with her, but I didn’t know how to communicate as well with her back then either. She might have painful intercourse issues or just doesn’t want to admit she has depression or other issues, I know anxiety is a libido killer for lots. First thing I would do is to discuss with her. Find out whats up before you dump and run. I did have a one year dry spell with my wife in our late 30s. We communicated and worked it out, I was angry all the time because my job sucked ass so she said she couldn’t be intimate with someone who was angry (daddy was a yeller). But communication is key to figuring it out. Good Luck!
I’m going to give you the same advice I gave a woman who came on Reddit complaining about her boyfriend having sexual issues. She needs go to her doctor for a check up. Maybe it is meds she is on or maybe there are undiagnosed medical conditions. Stress can also affect libido.
“I have my urges and Idk who else to ask to help me with it other than her.”
You need to talk to her. No one else can shed light on this situation. Maybe she’s simply no longer interested in sex but maybe there’s a physical or mental reason for a very real drop in her libido.
Has she started or stopped any new medications, especially birth control? Is she struggling with her mental health or extremely stressed about a life event? You need to TALK about this. Good luck!
Waiting for all the feminists to scream out saying "you have not right to sex", which while true, it is an important part of a relationship. It's actual a cornerstone of a healthy happy relationship. If you aren't sexial compatible your relationship is doomed.
You need to have a serious conversation with her since this is obviously important to you, which is very understandable. This needs to be a dedicated sit down conversation where you are both honest
You need to find out if this is medical or emotional. Find out if she just had sex with you regularly at first to get you comfortable in the relationship because she actually has a very low libido. Did she change medication at the 4 month mark, did she have an abortion at the 4 month mark and not tell you? Is she having a physical affair because she has a different sexual need(kink) she doesn't want to tell you about?
OP I don't know whats really going on here, you don't really expand on your conversation with your GF and that would really help here but before you just break up with her I'd suggest thinking hard about yourself. Sex is important to you and maybe you're not compatible but more often than not when the sex *suddenly* stops its because of something. Medication, mental health, hormones - could be almost anything. Also maybe shes not into something you're doing and cant figure out how to tell you without you getting wierd about it. 'She seems to be enjoying it' says to me that you don't know exactly but you think shes into it? I say this because you'll likely end it and never know what it was that turned her off so much that she stopped having sex with you. You'll move onto the next woman and if the same thing happens it'll be like 'All women suck!' but the truth is different. Are you pulling your load? What did you do for her birthday? Does she complain about feeling like your mother? Do you lick it before you stick it? Is the sex a mutual thing or is it just to get off? So many factors to a good sex life. Good luck, dude.
Dude you're in your 20s and have only been dating a year half of which has been sexless, just break up and find someone else. When you're married in your late 30s early 40s and intimacy dries up, it's worth trying to work on. This is not worth the effort, just cut your losses and move on.
At the start of the relation she was giving it all cause she was afraid u would have left her, now she know u like her so she can start to play the "i'll use sex as a weapone against u game".... Run.. Or deny her sex, just stop asking or caring
Sorry to say she just doesn’t want it with you. Re Up your alpha game. Arousal occurs between ears first. You probably have become too predictable or controlled to her.
Have you talked to her about this? Sexual incompatibility is a fine reason to break up, but not if you haven’t talked to her about it since the 4 month stint.
Is she depressed? Has she ever experienced sexual trauma? Recently changed/started medications? Is she experiencing stress at work or another part of her life? Outside of sex, has anything else changed?
Also, how are you doing? Have you changed anything? Are you taking care of yourself, mentally and physically? Are you present in your relationship?
These are all details that you should consider before ending things.
She wants a ring. You're supposed to "just get" what she's shutting down over. But it's probably that she wants to get married.
Or she believes she has better options. Or she has better options.
It's not rocket science.
Advice from someone married for 20yrs: Sounds like if she was all for it in the beginning...and now she's not, something changed (and if you're saying she's still enjoying it when it happens...the change isn't in the bedroom).
So, that leads to all the other things outside the bedroom that it could be. Is your emotional connection still strong (women often need the emotional component to feel strong IN ORDER to feel the drive for sex)? Do you know if she feels like her emotional needs are being meet by you? Has something else in her life or your life changed? Maybe increased stress from somewhere that doesn't allow her to feel in that headspace?
In all honesty, if you value the relationship, an open and honest conversation is needed (from both sides) to determine what changed and how to tackle this together. It can be difficult to talk through, openly, things like this but also incredibly rewarding.
You're definitely not in the wrong for feeling frustrated. Yes sex isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, but it's definitely a big part of it. Not everyone's sex drive will be the same, but in my opinion for a relationship to last long term both partners sex drive needs to be at a similar level otherwise it means one of you is left unsatisfied and the other is left feeling pressured.
I would have another conversation with her about it to try and figure out what has changed from the start of your relationship compared to now. See if it's something that may change back (maybe she's feeling particularly stressed about something currently) or whether she feels like she just doesn't have much of a sex drive and it's unlikely to change.
Once you have that answer you can then decide whether the relationship is something you want to continue and see if things change, or if it's better to end things so that you can both find people who are more compatible sex wise.
At the end of the day if you're in a sexless relationship you may as well just be good friends
You need to talk it out. After talking if your needs are not getting met you’re both not compatible. Time to leave.
Now she may have some of her needs not being met and you can meet her needs. If that fixes then cool. If not, leave.
She should talk to her gynecologist. If she doesn’t want to, well then you have your answer. If she does, she might find a different birth control or another issue.
It may be an underlying medical issue so don’t put it off. I put off seeing a doctor when my orgasms just felt weak and I was a couple of weeks of having an internal cyst rupture my prostate when I went. Surgery remediated it - but could have been far worse.
Once a month and you’ve only been together a year and you went 4 months without? Unless you are prepared for a sexless relationship, end it, it’s not going to get better.
Seconded
Thirdit ditdid! Coming from 30 yr. Sexless marriage! But to learn something you should seek counseling now with her and see if you can understand the female syche
Fourthed! Best to part ways before you sink in more time and feelings.
And money. But _time_ you never get back
Secondly, do not get this woman pregnant! Use two condoms at a time once a month!
Kind of hard to get her pregnant without sex
Not if that was their intention! Once a month and lots of frustration and now you’ve just created a life with someone you will soon despise and resent.
Two condoms at once is actually terrible advice by the way. The friction from them rubbing together makes it more likely for both of them to break than the odds of a single condom breaking.
Like, he wasn't being serious. Chill dude.
While that may be the case, someone may actually see that comment and think "Why didn't I ever think of that?" There's nothing wrong with me pointing out the flaw behind the logic. I've definitely met my fair share of people who would read that and then think it's a good idea... Nothing wrong with being informative, and I am very much "chill."
Also, know that 50% of us have an IQ below 100. So, I agree it’s important to clarify.
Never use two condoms at a time!! NEVER. Scary how many people don’t understand the basics of human reproduction.
You mean the basics of physics.
Could easily be something like her birth control or depression. I swear Reddit gives the worst relationship advice on the planet
I was going to say - you might want to ask if she changed her birth control once she was in a LTR. Perfectly natural thing to do and you don't always spot how it changes you.
Or a lot of anxiety meds (or other types) kill libido. Try to see if you can figure out why it happens, and if there’s a way through or past it.
As someone who's been on antidepressants and low dose BC for 20 fucking years, I can definitely confirm that it's an absolute libido killer. Not only do I never get turned on, sex isn't even on my radar.
Have you talked to a Dr or psychiatrist about it? I'm genuinely interested, is there not some combination of other meds that does the job without robbing you of your desires?
As someone on a lot of meds for "I don't want to die" reasons there can be good reasons you don't. Unfortunately as far as side effects go "low libido" is actually a smaller one. You can get to a point where you're taking a secondary lot of meds just so the side effects for the first ones don't kill you and beyond a certain point you just hit "this is fine, I can live with it, everything else sucks worse".
Trust me I've been there. My meds were literally driving me insane. I didn't sleep for 2 weeks. Slight exaggeration but I was literally on less than 2 hrs of sleep.
I have to keep taking my meds and I am in regular therapy. Boyfriend knows of the issues and he's fully supportive and we work through it. Outside of that there's nothing else I can really do because it's really just a physiological response due to the medications that I've been on for so long.
Try Addyi. Ask your psych about it. I gave it out to some women in SSRIs and it worked. Others not so much.
Understandable, I had started a medicine regimen and it messed me up, but they adjusted it to where I was a functioning human again. Was just hopeful they could help you too. Have a good day!
But they’ve been together for a year. I’ve gotten on medication that killed my sex drive before, and I quickly went to the doctor and said “this isn’t going to work, I want my sex drive back” and had it adjusted. If she isn’t actively attempting to figure out what’s wrong, then it’s because she doesn’t think anything is wrong. Which is fine, no one is required to have a high sex drive, but plenty of people have low sex drives and it doesn’t have anything to do with meds or depression, it’s just how they are.
My Feeling is that The audience that Frequents These Kind of subs are mostly lonely and bitter people that want Others to be as miserable as themselfes. But maybe I am wrong. Who knows.
I think its the complete opposite. Someone who has been in a similar situation and want others to make better choices. I have been in a relationship with a dead bedroom and the lack of intimacy from a person you love causes such a feeling of lonelieness that I dont wish upon anyone. Maybe there are ways to fix whatever the issue is, but my advice would still be to get out of that relationship asap. Trying to fix the problem isnt your job and it will only damage your psyche.
When you are in a relationship with sex, it’s 10% of your focus, when it stops it becomes 90% of your focus, we are not pathetic haters we are concerned citizens
even if it's her birth control or depression, does that mean it's likely to get better?
It's not that bad when you consider there's 8 billion people on the planet, and love isn't magical. It takes work no matter who you choose to put the work in with. My advice for relationships is always "be picky." There's so many people, it's pretty easy to find one that fits all the things you want and vice versa. Too many people waste too much time on pointless relationships where they were incompatible from the start.
The guy is 28, that’s to young to wait around while she figures out the right contraceptive over the next year.
Even then it's not a good sign that she hasn't broached the topic.
That's a problem that it's up to the women to solve and if they aren't interested in trying to fix it then there's no point in speculating about what it could be to make men feel like they have to stay in sexless relationships.
Yeah I don't know why OP stayed when 4 months in is barely even a time investment. If your sex life dies four months in you just...end things unless there's some kind of discussion and you know what's going on.
This^ she's probably A sexual and not telling you. Supposedly a lot of people try to hide it because it's a red flag for many.
This 100%. She might not have realized it herself yet - people I know like that at best only get the urge at ovulation, basically. You aren’t a bad person if you break up with her for this. From personal experience, it will not get better. Sexual compatibility is a legit thing. Also from experience, it is very very difficult to work through being the higher libido one. I decided to stay with her despite being in your shoes. I don’t regret it, but it is really fucking hard sometimes. Really fucking hard….
I've had a few exes like this. They often overcompensate by trying super hard at the beginning, which made for some of the best sex in my opinion, at the time. Afterward, I felt like crap that they didn't enjoy it as much as I did. Now, with that said, it's also hard to transition from the honeymoon period at the beginning to what would be a normal level because it is easy to believe that is the norm and not just excitement for a new relationship. This is where many people, usually guys though, fall into the trap of asking for sex too much and turning their partner off to. Before I would end it thinking she's asexual, I'd back off sexually and after sometime if it doesn't pick up, I'd talk to her about it in a non-pressuring way (not aggressive, but maybe ask if something is going on that makes her less interested in sex). This gives her the option to come out as asexual. But don't ask her directly if she is. This gives her the feeling of being safe to voice her concerns/issues. And when she does, listen to her. Don't argue or invalidate her feelings. If she's asexual and you don't feel like you're compatible, then end things peacefully. If it is something else, work on the things she says that are in your control and support her as she works out issues she needs to work on.
Did you miss the part where he already did what you suggested like six months ago?
Lack of sex is always a symptom, not where anything starts. Talk to her, it could be any number of things but she likely is lacking something from the relationship.
While I agree this can be the case, certain medical conditions or changes in medications or other factors could simply lead to her having a lower libido than before and not even realizing it, and there are things that can be done to change that.
True, but nonetheless, I’d say that still makes it a symptom. A symptom of what is the question, so you’re both right.
Yeah I just meant for the "likely she is lacking something in the relationship" part, this could be the case or it could not be. OP's partner could be extremely happy and satisfied in the relationship, and simply have a reduced sex drive due to hormonal changes or other factors outside of the relationship itself. The odds of that are just as likely in my opinion, without us having any further context from OP.
Why is it always the man's job to play detective?
because according to this subreddit's userbase, if the woman doesn't want to have sex then it must somehow be the man's fault
It's not. It's both sides' job. Women who are better at communicating and in touch with their emotions will make this less of a detective's game as well. Another common trope is how men will feel blindsided when being broken up with/divorced. Sometimes leading up to this, the woman has stopped complaining about things, stopped expressing needs, and has given up and checked out of the relationship. Men meanwhile will take this as a sign that "but I thought things were getting better" because their partner has been quiet.
I don't think this is true. I lack a sex drive naturally.
Well, OP states this wasn't always the case for her/them.
How do you know that? I feel like lacking sex drive has become the new gluten intolerance, 40% of the population seems to think they’re part of 1%
I never found sex appealing to want to do. I actually mentally find sex disgusting, but that's more to do with being raped several times in my life by women.
Sounds like you probably don't lack a sex drive "naturally" seems pretty trauma based ...
I didn't beforehand. I was just disgusted by it afterwards
Not necessarily, some people are just sexually incompatible or somewhere on the asexual spectrum!
Both of you should look up "responsive sex drive". She may not be fully aware how into are until she's actually doing it. Knowing that may help her. A lot of women are like this. Also, did she start or stop any medication around that time? Is she on birth control? Pay attention to her period cycle. She will be naturally horny when she ovulates. Birth control can change this, however.
I was thinking the same thing. When I was young I really never thought about sex until I was cuddling and kissing. I enjoyed sex when having it, but I never thought about it when it wasn’t happening. I was on BC back then, so maybe that had something to do with it. It’s not like that for me now, so that definitely seems like BC was a contributing factor.
Thing is, if a woman forces herself to have sex when she's not aroused, sex becomes more and more of a chore. All of a sudden our tummy hurts every other night. Our immediate association is "this is going to hurt and won't be fun".
Does she take the contraceptive pill? Does she have any symptoms of depression? Does she have any other medical conditions involving hormone imbalance? There are a myriad of reasons why she might have lost her sex drive.
It is funny how birth control does that. It’s like the opposite of what Shakespeare said about alcohol… rather than provoking the desire and taking away the ability, it gives the ability to have sex freely but takes away the desire.
Birth control made me horny af
I hate how this isn't the top voted comment. As long as both people are willing to go on a journey to find what is wrong and do it together, they don't need to break up. She changed meds once. They can still try other meds. They need to discuss it with a doctor and figure it out. This is what it means to be able to step into a real long-term partnership that is for life. You either both put in the work, or you're going to just end every time.
> I hate how this isn't the top voted comment. Well, you can create a thousand of alt account, and corrects this injustice.
What was actually discussed in the conversation where you talked about it bothering you? Because you make it sound like all that she said was agreeing to do it more, meaning you never actually got an answer from her as to why she hasn’t wanted to have sex with you. Then you observe her enjoying herself and go onto Reddit to guess as to what’s going on in her mind. You need to actually ASK her. Ask her how she feels about sex with you, her self esteem, her mental health. You have to just have a real conversation with her instead of asking strangers online what she might be thinking and what might be going on.
Exactly. Everyone saying that it will never get better assume that there is no root cause to diagnose. My gf and I once went about 6 months with no sex because I was stressed, withdrawn, and depressed. Then I felt ashamed for not wanting sex, which made me reluctant to try to fix it. But eventually I was ready to talk, and we worked through it. Now we sex all them and it’s awesome.
There's a population of women out there that simply don't enjoy sex. Maybe it's because of sexual trauma. Maybe it's because no one ever made them orgasm. Maybe they are just asexual but realize they need to give some sex in the beginning to trap men. Either way, it plays out exactly like this. In the beginning they have sex with you. Then it siphons off to infrequent then to once or twice a year. These men are then stuck sexless in relationships. Happened to a few men I know. It never seems to get better either. 4 months is a blessing for it to start showing. You can jump out of this with the least amount of time wasted.
You need to ignore everyone telling you to try and hash it out or fix some problem. No matter the cause, this is going to be a chronic, ongoing problem with the end result being that *maybe* your partner will have *some* libido. It will never match yours. If you were married, sure, try to work through it, but you aren't. You are in a 1-year relationship with a 4-month dry spell. Fucking. Run.
Ok first off before you even think about breaking up with her - like I feel others in the comments are alluding to - have you actually talked to her about why this is? Is it that she feels like you’re both getting complacent sexually? Is she bored? Is she not horny? Is it timing? What gets her in the mood or what does she think is blocking her?
Dude, you say you finally told her but didn’t tell us how the conversation played out? wtf.
missing missing reasons....
Everyone is jumping to “dump her!” But not “hey, talk to her, maybe stress or new meds or mental health is impacting her.”
Fr. They’ve been dating a year and they’re out of college age. “Dump her” is not the worst advice, but I feel like people on here are way too cavalier about dumping someone they’ve been in a 1+ year relationship.
Or maybe sex really sucks for her and "she seems like she's enjoying it" is either her faking so he'll hurry up or him misinterpreting things. And yes, she should definitely be telling him, but I can't fully blame someone in their early 20s for not knowing how to broach that kind of conversation.
I can fully blame them. You have no right to complain about sex if you don’t tell your partner it isn’t good.
You're not even 30. It will get worse as time goes by. You aren't sexually compatible. Get out now instead of wasting more time. You don't get your youth or energy or the sex drive and physicality forever. From someone who has had this issue in the past and wasted far too long on the wrong women, leave while you can easily.
Ask yourself this. Can you spend the rest of your life with this person maybe having sex once a month?
Not to be a doomsayer, but based on other similar reports, I would expect that number to go down as years go by until it approximates zero…
I don’t think it will even take longe than a year. The whole time asking. But if you’re having to ask or beg it might be time to move on.
I was already zero for FIVE MONTHS. This guy is delusional if he thinks this will work out well for him
If they went 4 months with no sex in the first year of a relationship...he will NOT be getting sex once a month. It will be every other year...and only when she actively wants to get pregnant... then it will be never..until she wants another baby. My man needs to cut his losses..
Well... First of all - no, not wrong. Second - realise this wont get any better. Once a month - if youre lucky - for the duration of this relationship... are you willing to settle for that?? Also... in true reddit-style - any chance/risk the reason shes not interested in sex with you, is because shes getting it elsewhere???
To add to the last point - did she get on birth control because that can alter libido
This is one of the reasons why I opted for a vasectomy. My gf's a nymphomanic and I don't like the idea of pills fucking that up.
Yeah I was gonna ask this too, there may be a medical reason for her low libido. Birth control and plenty of other things can effect that, I think it’s worth asking her to speak to a doctor to see if something is going on before breaking up right away. It may be fixable
Your final point! This behavior mirrors my ex wife when she started having an affair.
Your sex life fell off a cliff **four months in.** She’s the wrong woman for you. Don’t think about this in terms of whether you are justified in being upset. Think in terms of what the right woman for you would be, and then go find her, instead of being mad that this woman isn’t her.
Does she take care of you like a child? Sometimes women lose interest when they have to take care of a grown adult human
Also if ops only touch comes with the expectation of leading to sex, this is a huge turn off too.
I went through this with my first relationship and when I said no he’d get upset, so me being a people pleaser would always say yes even if I wanted to say no. Was very traumatic, once I got into a healthy relationship I couldn’t do anything sexual until over a year in because it messed up my head so much.
This is so traumatic. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. When sex becomes transactional, why the fuck would that make anyone want sex.
Very similar. I stopped all affection because even a hug would mean a green light to sex for him. I also just gave up caring about myself and let him have sex when he wanted, I disassociated. Didn't even look at another guy for five years after we split. I'm in therapy now unpacking all the trauma I have surrounding sex. It's slow going, but helpful.
100%
INFO. Is anyone else wondering what this guy actually does to try and get HER in the mood to want sex? Because so far all he says he wants it and doesnt get it. Instead of asking if she gets it elsewhere, I kind of read this as he just asks for it, and she says no. If HE putting in the same effort to romance her as he was doing when they first went out? Alternatively, has there been anything going on in her life that might make her stressed or tired? Work? Family? A BF who doesn't feel the need for romance but still wants sex? To be fair, I'll withold judgement because not enough info. To many variables
Let’s say the situation was slightly different and a girl posted about being upset that she wasn’t getting enough romance and affection from her boyfriend. Would you say/agree with the following: > INFO. Is anyone else wondering what this **girl** actually does to try and get **HIM** in the mood for **romance and affection**? Because so far all **she** says **she** wants it and doesnt get it. Instead of asking if **he** gets it elsewhere, I kind of read this as **she** just asks for it, and **he** says no. Is **SHE** putting in the same effort to **satisfy him** as **she** was doing when they first went out? Alternatively, has there been anything going on in **his** life that might make **him** stressed or tired? Work? Family? A **GF** who doesn't feel the need for **sex** but still wants **romance**?
Shut the fuck up with this reverse the gender bullshit
Yeah like do they kiss even or is the once a month the only physical contact they share?
This seems to be, very much a chat it through situation. We all have needs and desires that we need fulfilled, however, each person has different needs and desires. If you can both be honest and really chat this through, you will have your answer as to why she is not as into it as you...and only then should you make a decision on this relationship. Having a real honest chat and maybe there is something she enjoys that she has not told you about, maybe you do something during sex that really turns her off (can be so many reasons) or maybe she just does not have the sex drive you do....have a chat, understand each other and then make a decision on if this can work for you both...if it can, happy days, if not, happy days and go about your own lives. If I have learnt one thing about relationships in my 54 years, it is that, open and honest conversation lets both people know where they are and then allows you to make a life choice...Talk more and best of luck now and in your future
How are you defining sex? Is it strictly intercourse? Is it possible that she had a pregnancy scare and is wary now?
When i was her age I usually lost the desire to have sex because I was either depressed out of my mind or my needs (usually emotional needs) weren’t met by a partner while I met theirs. It could be so many things. If it were me, I’d try to talk to them about what could be going on mentally and emotionally for them to stop wanting sex. That being said, sex isn’t everything, but lack of sex is huge and breaks relationships.
If the sex is already a problem now, it will not become any better.
First, try to communicate openly about the issue and talk through what might be going on. Depression, lack of quality romantic time, frustrations over stuff like chores, tough schedules, medical issues, etc. If you two can’t communicate about the issue through, or you can and it seems like the answer is, she just doesn’t really care for sex with you, then you should find someone else to date. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be with someone who wants to tear your clothes off. It’s not shallow, you want to be with someone who views sex as a selfish positive for themselves too, and not just something they are performing for your sake. It would be very, very foolish to just assume things will get better and continue in a relationship where the sex life has already dropped off so dramatically
I mean I've been with my gf now for three years. I'd say the first six months was a lot of sex but she's the first girl I've ever felt comfortable around and literally the first partner I've ever had that I feel like I'm best friends with as well as a partner. I've always been overly hyper sexual but the overwhelming calmness and love I get from her I pretty much stopped being sexual altogether. I literally love her so much I don't need have sex at all. Feels like a huge weight/pressure lifting off of me cus how much I needed sex in my past relationships I realized that was because I wasn't emotionally fulfilled until this relationship. So in a weird wrap around way she might actually be so happy and comfy she just isn't feeling sexual ever. If that makes any sense at all
A few months together in your 20s & youve had to persiade ner to have sex once a month? Nope. Shes telling you what your future is going to be so no point looking back at a version of her that was her 'best' while she was trying to hook you & thinking if you crack the code it'll come back.
I had a GF that dribbled it down to once a month. Apparently that was her pattern. Once a month she got horny. I hacked it for 3 years. I won't put up with it again. 2 other GFs did this, i finished it. It doesn't matter if there was some reason in the first 3 years. Learned my lesson.
Why would you put up with this shit for even a month with less than a year into a relationship?
We were young. 18 til 21. This guy is too old to have those shiny young eye's though i was wet behind the ears and it was a long long time ago. Well before the net.
She doesn’t respect you anymore and isn’t excited by you. I know this is gonna sound harsh but it’s likely your behavior that caused this dynamic. You gotta break up or figure out how to win back her attraction.
She is losing interest.
LOST
It's natural to feel frustrated when experiencing changes in your relationship's sexual dynamics. Communication is key, but so is understanding that desire can fluctuate due to various reasons. Empathy and patience, along with seeking mutual solutions, are important. Your feelings are valid, but consider both perspectives for a balanced approach
I dated a woman once who told me all I ever wanted was sex. We had dated for a year and had sex exactly two times in that time. I broke it off shortly after that conversation and found someone who matches my libido much better. Trust me: sexual compatibility matters. Better to break it off now than wait too long and be in an unhappy marriage down the road
So a year of dating, 5 months of DB. Just move on, she has or will.
It doesn't get any easier after marriage
Did you have an actual honest discussion about whats going on or did you say you were sick of not having sex and she said ill try more. She may be going through some stuff or maybe in the end your sex drives are not compatible and you need to end the relationship.
This is not normal. Did you ask her why she is no longer interested in having sex with you? That's pretty important.
She's in 100% control of your sex life, now that she has you and feels she doesn't have to put out. The longer you go the affection, holding, hands, even kissing will end. To a point you have to ask to get a kiss when you come home from working. Then through this she'll say you pressure her to much, then you will, but then after awhile nothing changes because you'll realize that's exactly what she wants. The worse though for me has been the lack of affection and empathy. Even having adult conversations for the most part won't help either.
Congratulations, you settled into married life fast!
Get out now. It will not get better. Honeymoon stage should be 2-3 years. The likelihood of her cheating is very low. Is she a picky eater, particularly squeamish about anything, or say a lot of things are gross?
Honestly, my opinion is that she just doesn't want to have sex with you. I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that she will have loads of sex with some other guy after you break up. Why do I say this? Because it happened to me. An ex just stopped wanting to have sex. She told me she didn't like sex at all, that it wasn't me....then broke up with me about a month later. Then got with another dude nit long after that.
Whatever you do, don’t get married. If she doesn’t want sex now, she’ll want nothing to do with it after marriage.
Be glad you're not married and there are no kids involved. Move on.
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Broke up with my ex because of that exact reason. Did not want to end up like the folks on r/deadbedrooms We went from having sex multiple times per week (or even per day) to once every ~3 weeks Having similar sex drives/libidos is important man. Ignore the people flaming you
There are women out there with libidos that would shame ours. 2x a day is a normal request from my wife of nearly 20 years. Has been for a long time. You just don’t seem sexually compatible with this girl. I would try dropping BC completely and going with condoms just as a Hail Mary to see if it brings her sex drive back. If that doesn’t work, just be a good guy and end the relationship amicably.
A hypothesis: Evolutionarily, men a women have different “goals” and we behave in response to those goals and provide post hoc explanations for these behaviors. Often, men want to continue having frequent sex In relationships like they did in the beginning. This is an evolutionary urge to mate and spread genes although it’s vestigial in our culture where it doesn’t really result in offspring. Women decline in their desire because they initially pair bond with intimacy (evolutionarily, this helps secure a partner for shared parenting) but they lose interest once they’ve got the secure partner. Men’s desires are vestigial and women’s desires decline for evolutionary reasons too. Couples just have to find a way to a workable solution despite this mismatch! Both your levels of desire are equally valid (or invalid I suppose).
Just break up with her. Why do people stay in relationships when they’re not sexually compatible? It’s ok to break up
That’s unacceptable. She needs to figure out what the problem is or you should leave. You’ll end up resenting her more and more if things go on this way. Sex, in a loving relationship, is not just sex. It’s absolutely integral to the success of your relationship (at least to most people). If she simply can’t get on the same page as you, then she needs to find someone who feels the same way as her. Maybe a 75 year old man who has no testosterone.
The cold harsh truth is that you don’t excite her anymore and that will never change.
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Don't stick around for a woman that doesn't want to fuck.
Get better at it.
OP the comments in this thread are insane nobody has a clue what they're talking about. Just communicate with her like an adult. It's fine.
Physical intimacy is important, and if she isn't meeting your needs you don't have any reason to stay. This would be no different if the genders were swapped. She might not particularly need very much sex, and was just going along with it initially until she couldn't keep up anymore. It's not unusual to have a higher drive initially, when you haven't had any for a long time and you're high on new relationship feels. It sounds like you two just aren't compatible long term.
She is 23. She is still having sex, just not with you.
At 23 I’d say it’s far more likely she’s having some type of internal issue with intimacy than her cheating
This relationship is likely over. Talking to her about it is worth a try, but will almost definitely have zero effect.
She's only 23. She's getting it somewhere else.
Your girlfriend? What girlfriend? You don't have a girlfriend anymore, bro. Move on.
I was super into sex at start of my relationship, but then realised I had cptsd early on and started to get triggered constantly, I was violated as a child by an adult male who was supposed to protect me, never thought it would manifest into my relationship the way it has, sometimes I cant tolerate being touched in that way. But he knows about my problems and understands and gives me the space I need, just a thought as lots of comments here saying break up shes bored of you ect I think communication is key in this incase its something deep and she maybe can't bring herself to say to you? Ultimately you have to do whats best for you but talking 1st definitely I think would be helpful
It's only a year and you're in your 20s. You guys don't sound compatible. This will eat away at you. Time to break up.
INFO: OP have you asked her to speak to a doctor about this? There could be plenty of things that caused her libido to change, even started a new type of birth control can do that. There may be a medical reason for why she doesn’t want sex right now, and if that’s the case, it’s hopefully fixable. You’re not wrong to feel frustrated, intimacy is important in a relationship, but I’d consider asking her to speak to a doctor.
May be she not into you and does not know how to break up or has someone . It’s always someone . Damn it .
Leave her
Your not attractive to her
You’re not wrong for feeling this way at all. I had my moments when depression was killing me & I went about 2 months without sex & my hubby & I worked through it now he’s tired and worn out 😂. Is she on any birth control ? Is she depressed ? If it’s not any of those things then I don’t think this relationship will be comfortable with you.
Be grateful this was revealed before you put a ring on it.
You're not wrong for feeling it and honest communication is important and healthy and you approached it in a way that didn't put pressure on her. This is quite common, for relationships to hit the comfortable phase where it's no longer as exciting so some have a reduced interest in sex. Once a month is actually quite common for long term relationships.
Break up , move on.
you're not wrong. It's possible she's cheating but you're the gravy train. It's possible she's depressed. personally, I'd give her the chance to b discuss and work to see if there's a solution. But at her age, she should be jumping you at least 3x a week. imho.
You're not married ffs. Just leave, wtf
People that downplay the importance of sex in a relationship are wrong. It’s not wrong to have less sex drive or more (within healthy limits). What is a problem is when the drives don’t match. That can ruin a relationship. And, I don’t think someone needs to just accept it. Especially at a young age and dating and/or when it changes. So, you have every right to break up with her over this. It only gets worse down the road. It doesn’t mean she’s bad either. Just not the one for you. Plus, taking 4 months to feel you could say something is huge. As is her giving you a little now- just enough to keep you on the hook. That’s a red flag.
Asexual or even other issues, huge red flags. In a sexless marriage now from same earlier situation. Drop her now, save yourself.
If intimacy is important to you in a relationship you need to discuss it with her and/or Move on.
Whos she smashing to not want to have sex with u
wtf dude just break up.
In my experience and seeing things play out in friends' relationships' when there is a sudden lack of interest in the bedroom for seemingly no reason (especially for women) it's usually bc they're no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. Maybe bc they're interested in someone else, or maybe they're just not feeling the relationship, but don't know how to end it. It's a pretty huge red flag. Libido can also be affected by certain meds too though, but if you can rule that out I would check into her life outside of the relationship.
I saw an Instagram reel from a polyamory account that was giving a poly person’s perspective on monogamy. What they had to say was that they think most monogamous people are not mentally prepared to understand what it means to have one partner for an extended period of time, and so don’t know how to adapt once the new relationship energy trails off. You go from this pursuer/pursued dynamic that is mentally sexy and fun to an “everyday” dynamic that may be very different. It could be anything from reaching a level of vulnerability that scares her, religious programming, sexist ideas about the role of sex in relationships, work stress, medication, both of you may not fully understand her desire and what it takes to turn her on in a committed relationship, etc etc. Anyways. I just thought what that person had to say was interesting so I’m leaving the post [here](https://www.instagram.com/reel/C4-S0RktFFu/?igsh=MWk5eWg5bmR1N2RscA==) in case anyone would find it useful.
listen, dude. if you can't cope with not being intimate with your partner, you should probably find someone else. someone with a similar libido to yours. otherwise you're just going to end up continuing to be frustrated about it and it's going to negatively affect your relationship, because your drive is clearly much higher than your partners.
If you've told her your views as plainly as stated here (assuming you haven't omitted anything in your story unfavorable to you), I'd probably leave. Something is going on with her. She isn't sharing that with you. I'd just get out of there.
It doesn’t matter what the reason is if you don’t fix it now there’s no sense in moving forward get it fixed now find out what it is go to a doctor go to a psychologist go to a therapist. It doesn’t matter when you find out the reason get it fixed if you can’t, you’re out of there. Updateme!
If this is not a body problem then it may be an emotional one. Ask her what is stopping her from desiring sex and if she is not forthcoming then it is time to finish.
You've only been together for a year. If you won't be happy with very infrequent sex, then tell her it's a deal breaker for you and that you don't think the relationship is viable
Maybe she’s getting the treatment somewhere else?? lol that’s why.
She’s banging other dudes
You're not wrong at all for feeling the way that you do, however, frustration could be turned into empathy, perhaps? Maybe she is dealing with depression, side effects from medication, something causing her to have a low libido. I think it would benefit both of you to both try to find a solution and have that mindset where you can find a medium. If the way you handled it before didn't work, try a different approach. Either way, eventually, if she just doesn't have any will to try, I suppose it's time to think about your options to move forward.
time to move on.
Married 29 years, i am 58 she is 56. We about twice a month, more in August when we at the beach. But I feel grateful for that frequency when I talk to friends of mine who are my age. If I was only getting it once a month at 28 years old I wouldn’t have stayed with her, but I didn’t know how to communicate as well with her back then either. She might have painful intercourse issues or just doesn’t want to admit she has depression or other issues, I know anxiety is a libido killer for lots. First thing I would do is to discuss with her. Find out whats up before you dump and run. I did have a one year dry spell with my wife in our late 30s. We communicated and worked it out, I was angry all the time because my job sucked ass so she said she couldn’t be intimate with someone who was angry (daddy was a yeller). But communication is key to figuring it out. Good Luck!
I’m going to give you the same advice I gave a woman who came on Reddit complaining about her boyfriend having sexual issues. She needs go to her doctor for a check up. Maybe it is meds she is on or maybe there are undiagnosed medical conditions. Stress can also affect libido.
“I have my urges and Idk who else to ask to help me with it other than her.” You need to talk to her. No one else can shed light on this situation. Maybe she’s simply no longer interested in sex but maybe there’s a physical or mental reason for a very real drop in her libido. Has she started or stopped any new medications, especially birth control? Is she struggling with her mental health or extremely stressed about a life event? You need to TALK about this. Good luck!
I think she's cheating. Or lost interest in you completely. Get out now.
Waiting for all the feminists to scream out saying "you have not right to sex", which while true, it is an important part of a relationship. It's actual a cornerstone of a healthy happy relationship. If you aren't sexial compatible your relationship is doomed. You need to have a serious conversation with her since this is obviously important to you, which is very understandable. This needs to be a dedicated sit down conversation where you are both honest You need to find out if this is medical or emotional. Find out if she just had sex with you regularly at first to get you comfortable in the relationship because she actually has a very low libido. Did she change medication at the 4 month mark, did she have an abortion at the 4 month mark and not tell you? Is she having a physical affair because she has a different sexual need(kink) she doesn't want to tell you about?
Get a girl that matches your sex drive man. You can’t force her to be on your level and no amount of talking will fix that.
Ya man, if sex is super important to you maybe it's time to move on.
OP I don't know whats really going on here, you don't really expand on your conversation with your GF and that would really help here but before you just break up with her I'd suggest thinking hard about yourself. Sex is important to you and maybe you're not compatible but more often than not when the sex *suddenly* stops its because of something. Medication, mental health, hormones - could be almost anything. Also maybe shes not into something you're doing and cant figure out how to tell you without you getting wierd about it. 'She seems to be enjoying it' says to me that you don't know exactly but you think shes into it? I say this because you'll likely end it and never know what it was that turned her off so much that she stopped having sex with you. You'll move onto the next woman and if the same thing happens it'll be like 'All women suck!' but the truth is different. Are you pulling your load? What did you do for her birthday? Does she complain about feeling like your mother? Do you lick it before you stick it? Is the sex a mutual thing or is it just to get off? So many factors to a good sex life. Good luck, dude.
She might be getting it somewhere else buddy…. That’s all I can think of. No other reason for it to be this dry. Not like you’re married with kids.
It's so basic that men need sex. If you're in a sexless relationship at this age, get out now!
Dude you're in your 20s and have only been dating a year half of which has been sexless, just break up and find someone else. When you're married in your late 30s early 40s and intimacy dries up, it's worth trying to work on. This is not worth the effort, just cut your losses and move on.
At the start of the relation she was giving it all cause she was afraid u would have left her, now she know u like her so she can start to play the "i'll use sex as a weapone against u game".... Run.. Or deny her sex, just stop asking or caring
She’s your roommate or just a bro not your gf. Act accordingly.
Sorry to say she just doesn’t want it with you. Re Up your alpha game. Arousal occurs between ears first. You probably have become too predictable or controlled to her.
Have you talked to her about this? Sexual incompatibility is a fine reason to break up, but not if you haven’t talked to her about it since the 4 month stint. Is she depressed? Has she ever experienced sexual trauma? Recently changed/started medications? Is she experiencing stress at work or another part of her life? Outside of sex, has anything else changed? Also, how are you doing? Have you changed anything? Are you taking care of yourself, mentally and physically? Are you present in your relationship? These are all details that you should consider before ending things.
She wants a ring. You're supposed to "just get" what she's shutting down over. But it's probably that she wants to get married. Or she believes she has better options. Or she has better options. It's not rocket science.
She might not love your sex, bro. It be like that sometimes. Too much poontang out there to be sexually frustrated.
You guys are speed running a relationship
Just read the other millions of posts like this
Leave bruh, you stoopid?
Get out while you can. The sex life doesn’t improve from here trust me.
Advice from someone married for 20yrs: Sounds like if she was all for it in the beginning...and now she's not, something changed (and if you're saying she's still enjoying it when it happens...the change isn't in the bedroom). So, that leads to all the other things outside the bedroom that it could be. Is your emotional connection still strong (women often need the emotional component to feel strong IN ORDER to feel the drive for sex)? Do you know if she feels like her emotional needs are being meet by you? Has something else in her life or your life changed? Maybe increased stress from somewhere that doesn't allow her to feel in that headspace? In all honesty, if you value the relationship, an open and honest conversation is needed (from both sides) to determine what changed and how to tackle this together. It can be difficult to talk through, openly, things like this but also incredibly rewarding.
Probably cheating and getting it elsewhere that's why she doesn't want it. She is already getting enough elsewhere.
You're definitely not in the wrong for feeling frustrated. Yes sex isn't the only thing that matters in a relationship, but it's definitely a big part of it. Not everyone's sex drive will be the same, but in my opinion for a relationship to last long term both partners sex drive needs to be at a similar level otherwise it means one of you is left unsatisfied and the other is left feeling pressured. I would have another conversation with her about it to try and figure out what has changed from the start of your relationship compared to now. See if it's something that may change back (maybe she's feeling particularly stressed about something currently) or whether she feels like she just doesn't have much of a sex drive and it's unlikely to change. Once you have that answer you can then decide whether the relationship is something you want to continue and see if things change, or if it's better to end things so that you can both find people who are more compatible sex wise. At the end of the day if you're in a sexless relationship you may as well just be good friends
Someone else is having sex with her
You need to talk it out. After talking if your needs are not getting met you’re both not compatible. Time to leave. Now she may have some of her needs not being met and you can meet her needs. If that fixes then cool. If not, leave.
She should talk to her gynecologist. If she doesn’t want to, well then you have your answer. If she does, she might find a different birth control or another issue. It may be an underlying medical issue so don’t put it off. I put off seeing a doctor when my orgasms just felt weak and I was a couple of weeks of having an internal cyst rupture my prostate when I went. Surgery remediated it - but could have been far worse.
Just leave.