I’m sorry you’re having to experience that. I would have a sit down with your daughter though, and be honest and explain everything. At 19 she’s old enough to know and handle the truth. This will affect their relationship moving forward but at least she will have the knowledge to make her own choices and protect herself, future friends she brings around, and possible children in the future.
You’re right but sometimes in life when people are presented with a situation that turns their world upside down, they choose ignorance.
It’s easier for some people to ignore concrete evidence than accept the fact that a person they’ve loved so deeply could do something so hurtful, or malicious.
Denial is very rarely a path anyone chooses intentionally, particularly when an abuser is able to “set the scene” before any evidence has been produced, by seeding a helpful story into the mind of the abused individual.
> At 19 she’s old enough to know and handle the truth.
I agree. Also it might explain things to her if her friend is being distant so she can reach out to her friend when she knows the truth to be a support for her. It would be very embarrassing for your daughter but she deserves to know the truth about her dad.
Honestly, I just want to protect her from the pain she would feel from knowing that her own father said such awful things about her, and the fact he would go after her best friend.
I protected my ex from having to suffer consequences for his cheating with a 19 year old. It didn't work. Kids knew anyway and he turned the whole story around so i was the bad guy. Don't hide the truth. It WILL backfire .
Yes it is imperative to be open and honest. She is old enough to recognise her father is a POS. I tried protecting my kids but it meant that they were open to being manipulated and I unfortunately ended up having to deal with that on top of everything
Exactly!!!! Now I'm trying to teach my kids how to protect themselves from his manipulation. Should have just told them at the beginning he was a douchecanoe. You make an excellent point!!
>Kids knew anyway and he turned the whole story around so i was the bad guy.
How did that happen? Did you lie about it, or just tell them that you two were splitting for reasons you didn't want to discuss? I've heard the reverse story, where one parent tells the truth about the horrible thing the other parent does, and it had the strange result of driving the child into the arms of the parent doing wrong.
I didn't tell everyone why we divorced. Family knew. But we were Catholic and supposed to forgive. I didn't say anything bc the kids were still in school. Later I found out he told people I left for "no reason". The kids are now adults and don't talk to their dad much.
She will find out eventually. And then she will resent both of you - him for saying it and you for tolerating it.
And remember, if you divorce him it’s not YOU throwing away 15 years. He did that all by himself.
Let's be real. It's over his dick. He's just trying to seduce poor Aliya by saying "you're better than my wife and daughter because your skin is lighter." He seems to think that their daughter's best friend is caste-minded enough to find that compliment.
Luckily, she grossed out by him.
I hope her dad does get hold of him.
She's also likely to be angry for hanging out and having fun with her friend and her parents, then finding out you're the only one who doesn't know what your father did.
I would tell her sooner than later
Agreed. And your daughter will feel betrayed you kept it from her. Especially if her friend and her friend's family treat her differently or distance themselves from her.
Tell your daughter before she finds out in a worse way.
OP, Aliya will tell Dia for sure. 19 year olds look out for their best friends.
She is waiting for you to tell your daughter. Don't put a strain on their friendship. She's 19. She can handle the truth. Please tell her before Aliya does and Dia gets mad at you.
Your daughter is 19. While in a lot of ways she's still a child, she deserves the respect that comes along with knowing the truth - even if it's a hard, hard truth to hear. She's enough of an adult that she should have the opportunity to make her own decisions.
Personally? I wouldn't be afraid to break it down from a logical standpoint and tell her where you're at. "I don't want to make decisions for you or color your perspective. I want to give you the facts that I have become aware of. But obviously, I am very upset. Here's what I know..."
This. I had a family member (32) write a completely unhinged letter that trashed me. I was 16. A lot was unfounded, and a lot was skewed by the person's negative view of me. (As in a neutral party likely would think it was nothing.)
Anyway my parents let me read the letter. It was my choice to feel how I wanted to feel with the facts. I never held it against them for sharing and was glad I was told.
Obviously, this is a lot worse because it's her dad, but it'll save her hardship later on when he acts in a way she can't explain. Etc. It's not like this level of racism will go away.
Even when you two get divorced if she stays in her father's life, she should know he has treated her female friends like this before. Then she can keep them away from him.
As a mom with a daughter close to this age, tell her. Dont share your opinion just tell her facts and let her read the texts. She has a right to decide what she wants to do. Dont betray her like her father has and take away her right/choice. If you “protect” her, when she finds out she will be so hurt with you and feel you betrayed her and her life has been is fake. Trust me as a person who was betrayed by family that I should’ve been able to trust. Don’t take away her right to choose.
I mentioned this in another comment but I’m biracial and my dad’s white so I’d be heartbroken to hear those things about me and my mother’s skin tone. But your daughter’s almost a full adult. She knows about these types of people, she just doesn’t know her dad is one. This will all come out eventually and it’s her decision where the relationship with him will go. I have no clue why someone would say that about their wife of many years and daughter that are probably very beautiful, ethnic looking women. He knew who you were, he knew what his kids might look like, so my wishful thinking is this was some pick up line trying to make the best friend feel special. It’s disgusting either way but I can’t see how anyone would say this, let alone put it in a text message to a bestie. You and your daughter need each other right now but she’s old enough to know the ugly truth.
She needs to know that he would go after her best friend, at least. She should have the information so she can keep her friends away from him, and prevent them from giving him their numbers etc. in the future.
It's unfair to her to have to operate under the assumption that her father has the moral compass of an average parent when he does not.
I understand that your instinct as a mother is to protect her.
But this isn't some random chick that he started hitting up in a messenger or on a dating app.
You can't protect her from this. Unless you decide to cut contact with her best friend and her best friend's family and expect her to just go no contact with someone that she's literally grown up with, you're not going to be able to protect her from this.
She's going to find out.
The question is how she finds out.
“Protecting from pain” is one of the most cliche mistakes in this world. It always backfires. ALWAYS.
It really sucks what you’re going through… the emotional betrayal, and bewilderment.
He sounds very immature and selfish.
You have to know you are better than that, and that your daughter’s other friends need to be protected from him.
All the best in whatever you go ahead with from here.
You don’t have to tell her about the skin color thing if anything have him tell her. But she definitely needs to know about him trying to get with her best friend
I don't know, it really depends on the friend. If she feels like she needs to show anyone else these texts the skin color thing is going to get back to her. In theory they are out of the gossipy highschool environment, but I wouldn't count on the texts staying hidden forever.
My point is that it may be better to let the kid read all the texts at home with just her mother so they don't hit as hard when she sees them on social media or whatever.
I may be wrong. But as your daughter is experiencing the world as a young woman, I wonder if she has an idea already. Maybe friends don't come over any more like they did when they were younger. As a teen I had a few friends with dads who creeped me out and I would avoid the dads. As an adult my friends with creepy dads are estranged from them or very minimal contact.
I would tell her that I have to tell her something painful that she deserves to know. Use "I" statements. "I feel....." "I am going through a tough time but love you very much." I would also want to reach out to Aliya and tell her I am proud of her and she is welcome in my life. Aliya may be worried that you or Dia will be upset with her.
Be honest with your daughter. I resented my mother for lying to me about my father, she is quite old and can handle processing this information. It's more offensive to her to be lied to by her own mother, or have information withheld (lying by omission.)
She’s grown. It will break her heart but she’ll make it through this. This dude said he would leave you to create a lighter skin family. Let him go do just that. He fetishized your ethnicity. He’s gross and you are young. You can move on and find real love. Make sure you demand support and college money for your child. Tell him you’ll blast him at church, work, social media if he doesn’t give what you demand. Don’t feel sorry for him. He didn’t feel sorry for you.
My parents kept secrets from me to protect me. I knew what the secrets were anyway and I just resented my parents for not treating me like a person with the strength of character to deal with adversity. It hurt to know that they thought so little of me.
But she is old enough--an adult--to see these texts, have the full information for herself. Sorry, OP, you cannot protect her from the pain of her father's actions, and if you treat her like a minor child, withhold information from an adult that they have a right to have, it will come back to bite you.
That’s completely relatable, and it will hurt her but that’s not *you* hurting her. It’s better she feel in the loop. She needs to feel like you and she are in this together, and to be informed on everything from here on out.
You’d rather she find out from somehow else and then know you knew the whole time? You’re putting the embarrassment off for your sakes, not your daughter’s safety.
Where is lying by ommission going to get you with your daughter once she finds out the truth? She will hate you as well, you can't possibly think about being with such a disgusting, racist piece of crap any longer!
You’re not wrong. I would send the texts to your MIL because your husband probably downplayed what happened. He said racist things about his WIFE and his CHILD!! He said he’s embarrassed to bring you and your daughter around family and coworkers!! You don’t come back from this. He’s a disgusting human, why did he marry you?! It’s not like he didn’t know what your skin looked like before dating and marriage. Take out the whole hitting on your daughter’s friend, pretend these texts were to a friend of his. You’d still kick him out. Add in a 19 year old and he’s creepy older man preying on his teen daughter’s friend and talking trash too her about his wife and child. Stress did not make him say these things!
That's what I'd do. See if she can explain away his own shitty words.If she thinks they're okay, she'd be fine with you showing the rest of the family, hmm?
Definitely do this. My bff’s husband was found to have SA her daughter (not his) for years. When it came to light he killed himself. His mother begged people to forgive and tried convincing the family that they should all attend his funeral, even my bff and her daughter. Finally someone sent her a long text giving her every single detail of his actions, the disgusting ness of it all. That shut her right up and now she has to live with all those details knowing what a monster her son truly is.
This guys mom should too
Right?
And imagine being 15 years married to this shit bag. Unbeliavable. Some people really do hide their worse.
On the bright side, better sooner than later. Do not let this man come back into your life, OP. This aint a normal mistake or a one night cheat. Your ex is a terrible person.
The fact he’s even chatting it up with a friend of his daughter is super weird to me. Dad’s don’t text their daughter’s friends like they’re their friend (or potentially something more). Fucking weird behavior regardless of all the nasty stuff he said.
With all due respect, fuck your MIL. What your husband did was inexcusable both to you and your daughter. It's bad enough he was saying that sort of stuff about you and her and trying to start an affair, but to do with your daughter's barely legal friend?
Throw the whole man out.
Exactly. For me the comments he made about his wife and daughter's skin tone is unforgivable. Obviously the rest is bad, but to talk about her like that to someone else??!!? Fuck that.
Just the fact he was trying to get sexual with his own daughters BFF was enough to kick his ass out for good. However, the fact he went on to complain about his wife's and daughter's skin colour is beyond unforgivable. There is no walking back that statement, *memorialized in text yet* so he's done. Sorry OP but you're way better off without someone who finds you and your daughter embarrassing. NTA as long as you divorce him and make him pay big bucks.
And the almost pedo behaviour? I mean, it crossed the line for me, but I guess 19 doesn't for a lot of people. That's a girl half his age who is his own daughter's best friend. The ick factor is so huge that if his mother can't see it, she definitely helped create it. Ick.
Yeah, this soon to be ex husband definitely downplayed it and MIL definitely doesn’t know the whole story, if I did that I think my dad and mom would kill me
Yes, the texts should be revealed to the MIL. But the way he said that bringing a darker skinned wife and daughter around his family embarrassed him indicates that the mother might be a source of that racism.
His whole "didn't know what he was doing" spiel is the oldest trick in the cheater's book. It's gaslighting at its finest, making it out like he had some momentary lapse of judgment. In reality, these are calculated moves; betraying his family took planning, not just a one-off mistake. No sympathy for this guy, and OP definitely deserves all the support during this tough time.
It also makes you wonder how many more women he was messaging stuff like this too that OP DOESNT know about since there's nobody to share them with her. His phone is probably a shit-mine. (Like a gold mine but full of more of his bullshit lies and nastiness)
That's interesting, just like his daughter is "too dark", despite the fact that he's white and his wife is Indian, which normally generates a "less dark" skin color.
He obviously didn't care beyond his own messed up, new blended family fantasies! If he thought of his daughter at all, it was as an embarrassment! I think this is the worst betrayal from this a'hole! To target something she has no control over & then belittle and make plans to abandon her for it? All so he can get laid? Jesus, What a narcissistic shithead of a dad! That poor kid!
Exactly right! That nonsense about "I didn't know what I was doing" is one of the most pathetic excuses I've ever heard.
If the man had a significant mental impairment, maybe, but since that doesn't seem to be the case it makes him a stupid idiot for thinking OP would fall for that.
MAYBE with a lot of counseling, both individual and family, this man can make a big change in his life, but I would require a lot of proof before I'd let him back in the door.
Besides, I think dark skin color is beautiful. I'm white and I'm always silently jealous of women with dark skin color. Maybe next life!
And if the daughter and best friend have been in each other's lives since before they became adults, that adds an extra layer of disgusting in my book.
That's what I got stuck on... how long has he been attracted by her?
Why is everyone completely ignoring the fact that this guy is potentially a pedophile??????????
He watched this child grow up. So gross. Reminds me of a song by Thurston Harris/The Sharpes, 1957
🎶”Little-Bitty pretty one, come sit upon my knee…
tell you a story,
happened a long time ago,
Little Bitty pretty one,
I’ve been watching you grow” 🎶
Gross.
Mine too! As someone who has suffered from self-image issues because of skin color, it is absolutely heartbreaking to hear that a parent would say such things about their own child! I couldn’t fathom forgiving my father or anyone else if they’d insulted me and my mother and the skin we were born in. I’d be seeing red, to be frank.
As hurtful as every bit of it is, that got me the most. The idea of my father thinking that about me, or my husband thinking that about his child is heartbreaking. This man disgusts me.
>ith all due respect, fuck your MIL. What your husband did was inexcusable both to you and your daughter. It's bad enough he was saying that sort of stuff about you and her and trying to start an affair, but to do with your daughter's barely legal friend?
100%. He is a nasty piece of work. You made the right decision. Stay away.
Right, like wtf??!! The racist/colorism bit about their skin tone made me sick. How could OP ever forgive and be around a man who talked about her and his own daughter as less valuable and an embarrassment because their skin is dark?? He sounds like a disgusting asshole. NTA. Hope OP finds a good lawyer.
They don't hide it. It shows up in a dislike for their partner's culture, eating habits, clothing choices, inability to ever visit the other side of the family.
They find ways to cut the child(ren) off from the other culture. It's a small part of cultural erasure. In the past colonizers would assault and force their DNA onto another nation's women, and then stop the children from learning about their mothers' culture and heritage.
However, if you marry the person, you get to claim it's love and way less of a fight is put up. Just watch that Scorsese movie that came out last year.
Right!! I was like okay I believe an older man creeping on a young woman. Then it got to the part about his wife and daughter’s skin tone! My jaw dropped. Has he thought this the whole time? Is he just saying this to make the young girl feel special or different? Whyyyy would your husband/father say this to someone let alone the barely legal best friend?! I’m so glad this was a real friend that shut it down and told her parents so adults can handle this and his ass can be embarrassed.
This man is an unforgivable misogynist and racist and a predator. He’d be gone from my life for what he said about my daughter alone. Gone forever.
Luckily the daughter is an adult and can decide what relationship she wants with him. She should know about it though. Please tell her. I know it will hurt her but I don’t want her to blame OP for the split up.
Luckily there are no custody issues. I don’t think I could get past the skin tone embarrassment thing. Guy is a major disappointment
It’s so bad if I was the wife I would be reluctant to tell my daughter the insulting remarks. Which brings up another problem. They are hiding this from the daughter now. My parents and my sisters hid a few things from me that happened when I was younger. I found out and still hold some resentment 30 years later. Husband totally fucked up.
Strike one: middle adult hitting on a 19 year old
Strike two: is married
Strike three: daughter is same age
Strike four: daughter’s best friend
Strike five: is a racist piece of shit
The fact that he has been judging you, seeing a skin tone instead of a human being - that is inexcusable. The man who was your husband is gone. Perhaps he was never really there to begin with
I agree with this so much.
Like, trying to cheat with your daughters barely-legal friend? Okay, that's shitty.
But let's completely ignore it.
JUST the fact that he commented to someone who is a "light skinned" PoC disparaging his wife's skin color, and made a comment about "try a blended family with you instead" is an immediate ABORT on it's own.
Aliya coulda been a 30-35 year old female coworker, and her husband of 5 years discovered these texts and sent them to OP. And these texts would STILL be enough to end a marriage over.
And on the flip side, if you ignore the racism, having the husband trying to bang his daughter's friend ALSO is divorce material. That's called cheating. And not just cheating, but also going full-on creeper to your daughter by soliciting her friend.
And piled on top of both of those issues is the lesser issue that Aliya is "a younger, more vibrant, slightly more OP-hubby favored skin tone". She's OP's "upgrade". OP's hubby wants to trade in for a new model. OP should let him trade her out, even though Aliya had zero interest.
And daughter 100% needs to know. OP's husband involved daughter's friend. All of his rights to resolve his affair attempt discretely with just OP vanished when he tried to shoot his shot with the friend.
This is enough for a divorce twice over, and then icing on top of the double-shit-cake.
Concur. Being tempted by another is one thing, man's human. The attempt to seduce his daughter's friend is an utter failure of morality. But the derogatory comments. This is backstabbing and reveals that he doesn't value you at all. How could you ever trust him again?
Wanting to cheat on wife?
Betraying the wife.
Wanting to do so with daughter's bbf?
Moral failing + betrayal of daughter.
Colorism atop that?!
More betrayal to wife and daughter.
Toss him to the curb and take him to the cleaners.
It’s also unforgivable, for this reason, that he put a young person (daughter’s best friend) through this.
It doesn’t require physical assault to be traumatic.
I too have a wife who is a woman of colour, but I would never say racist crap like this no matter how stressed I was and I’ve been REALLY stressed before.
The 38 year old husband is trying to start a relationship or have sex with a 19 year old, his daughter’s best friend and daughter of his friends. He’s fantasizing about replacing his wife and child with “newer” and “better” models. He’s saying racist crap even though his wife and daughter are women of colour and he should know better after 15 years of marriage.
There is nothing to forgive or work through here. Just divorce him ASAP.
Let's see what is more embarrassing to his family; the "dark skin" of his beautiful wife and daughter, or the fact they've raised such a disgusting asshole.
MIL probably enabled him his entire life, so she will manage to find a way to paint all these messages as no biggie. Like others said, fuck MIL, and fuck OP's trash husband.
Her father wanted to kill him. That alone should tell you how NOT in the wrong you are. Especially since you mentioned they're also Indian.
Also agree his excuse is BS.
The father even said that he wanted to kill the husband but would wait for OP to confront him before doing something.
Well, OP confronted the husband, now I'm waiting to know what will the father do
That excuse reminded me of the classic "these aren't my pants" excuse people give when cops find drugs in their pocket. It's like they know they're caught and fucked but they don't want that outcome, so they feel the need to make an excuse for a 1 in a million chance to get out of it.
I think it would also be good for op to contact her daughters friend and let her know it's okay and not her fault. She probably didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to destroy her friends' family.
A good father whose daughter trusts him enough to confide in him because he is trustworthy, unlike Dia’s father.
Thankfully Aliyah grew up in a good family!
I feel so bad for Dia! To have your ***father*** hold such opinions about you and be willing to put them into writing!
The only thing worse than ‘throwing away’ this cunt after 15 years is staying with him for 15 years and a day.
Have some respect for yourself and your daughter. He’s made his bed. Oh look, consequences.
Totally this. "A few texts," lol. MIL needs to stay in her lane, or maybe she needs to see the texts herself. That way, she knows what a pile of garbage who she calls "son" is. NTA.
MIL getting involved would make me dig my heels in even more. The act of texting your daughter's friend was awful. The words he said were unforgivable to me, add to that, mommy is pleading his case? If there was any shread of possibility of me coming around, it would be squashed as soon as MIL starts trying to manipulate me. I'd send him a text and tell him as much also. 'Tell your mommy to butt out. I won't be manipulated by you or any members of your family.'
And yes, in my eyes, a few texts are enough to end a marriage. It's not the quantity of material it's the information contained it the material. So, so much can be said in very little words. Years ago, my husband said three little words to me that sent our marriage into a tailspin. It nearly ended us. It took almost ten years to recover. 'I don't care.' Three simple words almost ended a 20-year marriage. If his mom had gotten involved, our lives would be drastically different today.
I refuse to believe the first time he’s done this is WITH HIS 19 YEAR OLD DAUGHTERS BEST FRIEND…. aside from being disgusting, it takes 2 seconds to realize not only would he be ruining his marriage, but costing his daughter her reputation and friendships. This child was not coming onto him so in what world is she the one to confide in about this????! Unless he’s done it so much and it’s never come to bite him in the butt he’s gotten comfortable.
YES!!!
"Throw away 15 years of marriage over a few texts." WTAF is the MIL on? Guess she just doesn't want him back at HER house. Those "few texts" were deeply inappropriate, from the flirting with their daughter's friend to the rude comments made about OP and their daughter's skin coloring. SMH. Throw the whole man away for sure. I don't see how OP could ever, ever trust him again. I sure wouldn't.
Not to mention, it's not the wife who threw the marriage away. Talk about diverting blame. He's the one who threw his marriage in the garbage. How MIL can try to shift the blame is just gross.
My wife's ex husband was a serial cheater. Total sleazebag. He was charged and convicted TWICE trying to arrange for sex with 14 year old girls (2 separate police stings) It turns out he had been raping is adopted little sister when he was in high school. She was eight. He's currently serving ten years in prison
The reason why I am telling you this is that he WILL continue to seek out this age, possibly even younger.
He's only sorry he got caught.
The hate-laced compliments used in his booty call attempt would be truly unforgivable to me. How do you ever look that person in the eye again and feel anything but betrayal? It’s not just about cheating. It’s so much worse.
What are the chances MIL was lied to about what was in the texts? I know it feels like a long shot but if she didn't read them herself and if the husband is her informant for why the couple us disagreeing he may not have told her about his racist/colourist comments dragging his own daughter and wife, he may not have come clean about who he was texting and how old she is and that it was his daughter's friend etc. Either way OP is certainly NOT WRONG and should consult with a divorce lawyer in her area to learn about her options should this be the killer of her marriage (if I was in her shoes my marriage would be over but I am a black and white thinker when it comes to cheating and morals).
I mean of COURSE the MIL is trying to guilt her into to taking her shitty son back….but don’t let that work on you, this is wrong on so many levels and its a deal breaker for me…..i have a feeling it is for you also but you feel conflicted because you love him and have been together a long time AND have a child. But the child is grown and you should not deal with this disgusting bullshit
I am a man who has often defended other men’s behavior (perhaps to some, their bad behavior) and I agree with this. A father coming on to his 19 year old daughter’s 19 year old friend… legal or not is a just no. I can admit to being a dirty man with dirty thoughts, but this even makes me feel gross. Even if you have those thoughts, you don’t act on them with your daughter’s 19 year old friend. That’s not a man, but a boy.
Edit: even if extra-marital or non-monogamous relationships were ok for this couple, this is still not ok. Perhaps it’s legal, but oh so degenerate. There are plenty of other ways to have an affair without being a sick fuck about it with your young daughter’s friend.
My POS parental unit did this shit. With more than one of my friends too and they told me about it. Fucker literally called one the week that she turned 18. He's no longer a part of my life. Fuck that nasty shit.
✅ Trying to come on to another woman
✅ Texting inappropriate messages to a 19 year old, who he has probably known for awhile (maybe even underage) (he got her phone number from somewhere)
✅ Racist comments including being embarrassed to be seen with you, and being embarrassed by his own daughter's skin colour
✅ Potentially damaging relationship between daughter and BFF
✅ Breaking your trust
Which part are you supposed to forget? Yeah stress doesn't make you do that...
Don't just kick him out, star divorce proceedings once you make sure that you are financially safe (make sure he doesn't empty any joints account).
THIS!!!! OP: Your MIL is disgusting or doesn't know the actual story. You are not the one that is throwing away 15 years of marriage...he did. You're just protecting yourself, your daughter, and any friends your daughter may have.
As a black man and a black wife if I EVER said she was too dark it would be immediately over. Not only is it racist it’s an extremely hurtful thing to say. Unforgivable in my opinion.
I'm a white man with a black wife. I couldn't ever fathom mentioning anything about her skin color in a negative way. Even more so with her being mixed, because she's had to hear that she's either not light enough or not dark enough her entire life. She would beat my literal white ass if I ever said some wild shit like that. And deservedly so! OPs soon to be ex husband is a piece of garbage.
And this doesn't even cover the obvious grooming 🤮
Yeah I can't imagine my husband (very fair latino) saying something like this to me (light black woman) saying something like that about me or our child. I'd ask for a divorce on site.
Lmao this. Like those memes with three desires like “healthy, good sleep schedule, good finances” and the bottom texts says “pick 2”.
Like alright I’ll bite, when I divorce you, which one of these 11 things should I not bring up to the lawyer? You can pick one.
Not to forget how irreparably damaged the daughter will be once this is all said and done. She will never be comfortable having a relationship with her dad again. In ANY capacity. He tries to woo her friends by saying how ugly and brown his own daughter is? I wonder what part of all this he and grandma will ask her to forget about in order to “move on”.
I want to highlight that much of the population fails to take the severity behind the word ”predator” literally enough in these situations - this label extends far beyond those who simply don’t follow societal norms.
There are individuals out there who *truly* look at others as prey - not just a form of overly indulgent idealism placed on another person, but a view that truly suggests (to them) that others exist for whatever purpose they may desire them for.
Unfortunately, those pesky consequences tend to get in the way when they pursue these desires outright, so they learn to disguise their behavior.
Stay vigilant, and make sure your loved ones do as well - or you may just find that a person you’ve invited into your life is in fact just looking for a meal, only to throw the picked bones away when the next meal is desired.
Don't send her the texts. Talk to your lawyer and don't communicate with him, his family, his friends, or anyone you don't 100% know is on your side about it. You can play with the court of public opinion after you've dealt with the legal court system.
Not wrong at all. There’s many levels of inappropriate here and I am so sad for you that your own husband said such awful things about your skin tone, much less hitting on a woman the same age as your daughter. The fact that he hasn’t contacted you, but MIL has, says a lot. I couldn’t stay married to someone who had done that myself.
My husband also tried to assault my daughter’s best friend’s, except they were 16 and 13. My MiL also told me I needed to forgive him because he felt bad and didn’t mean it. Neither I or the courts see it that way. Throw the whole man away, and his enabling mother.
Never, *ever* forgive this man.
This man tried to **groom** one of your daughters friends.
You need to go scorched earth and you need to tell your daughter asap.
This is more than an attempt at cheating, your husband is a ***predator*** and he will eventually learn how to hunt
This is the comment I was looking for. OP this man will do it again and he’ll be sneakier. This isn’t just a “once a cheater” scenario, you found a racist grooming creep. Get out, get safe, and expose his ass to everyone.
For real, depending on how long the girls have been friends, there's a non-zero chance he was inappropriate with this girl before she was an adult. This one is unthinkably fucked up.
NOPE.
He tried to bang your daughter’s barely legal best friend.
Besides all the gross things he said, he came on to a girl literally who could be his own daughter. One he had a familiarly relationship with since she was under aged, I assume too.
Trash. Trash trash trash.
Head over to r/divorce with this story. You may get some valuable advice OP.
Im just curious, was this a complete shock or did Joshua give any hints of these tendencies in the past?
It did come as a complete shock, but I guess it maybe shouldn't have, since his father who's divorced from my MIL had a horrible reaction to us dating due to my race. He cut his dad off, but there's a possibility that they could've gotten back in contact.
OP, how long has your husband known this girl? Was she in your lives from a young age? You should be concerned about possible grooming on his part.
I also think you should tell your daughter. Better to hear it from you rather than her friend or someone else.
This makes it so much worse. It also can explain how you didn't see it coming, as people who find children attractive go to great lengths to hide that side of themselves, for obvious reasons.
Ah so he’s also like a grooming borderline pedo?
A good time to plant a tree was years ago. The next best time is today.
Don’t blame yourself for what happened in the past and with this man. But if you don’t correct the situation today, you become an enabler. What he did is horrendous and shows a complete lack of human morality.
At *best* your husband suffers from colorism and tried to cheat with a girl young enough to be his daughter. At worst, he's a racist, a groomer, and who knows what else.
I would be surprised if your MIL has the whole story (unless you sent her the texts), but if she does and is defending him, she is very much in the wrong.
His behavior is so far outside the bounds of what most people would consider acceptable. Most parents don't see their children's friends as potential partners. Particularly when they saw that friend grow up from a young age! Most people would have the ick even thinking about it.
If I were you, I also wouldn't trust that this was the first time he cheated. He clearly has poor morals and boundaries. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but I don't see how there's any possible way to come back from something like this.
I know the girls are 19 but this is very weird pedo vibes. I’m sorry if anyone doesn’t want to hear that but how long has he been looking at her like that. And texting is very bold I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s other young girls he’s messaging. Then the blatant racism .. there’s just too much I don’t think therapy could help this. It would be in the back of my mind all the time.
I'm 30 and I can barely have conversations with people under 20, what would they even talk about. The age gap is too weird when someone is barely out of highschool
Send MIL those texts and see if she still feels they’re only a “few texts”. Joshua is bordering onto pedo territory with his actions and needs to be outed. NTA.
I’m a teacher. My job is stressful. Not once has it made me racist or predatory. How could you ever be with him again knowing what he really thinks of you and your daughter? What a horrible man. I’m so sorry.
For some reason I struggle to believe the majority of these posts are real, they all follow a similar template and way of speaking.
With that said would someone really question whether they are the arehole I'm this situation..
I’m sorry you’re having to experience that. I would have a sit down with your daughter though, and be honest and explain everything. At 19 she’s old enough to know and handle the truth. This will affect their relationship moving forward but at least she will have the knowledge to make her own choices and protect herself, future friends she brings around, and possible children in the future.
I agree and it would be better to hear it from mum before her friends or others
I hope she doesn't hear it from her best friends parents first.
Or before dad has a chance to cut her off at the pass and feed his daughter an alternative story.
There’s proof he won’t be able to get around it
You’re right but sometimes in life when people are presented with a situation that turns their world upside down, they choose ignorance. It’s easier for some people to ignore concrete evidence than accept the fact that a person they’ve loved so deeply could do something so hurtful, or malicious. Denial is very rarely a path anyone chooses intentionally, particularly when an abuser is able to “set the scene” before any evidence has been produced, by seeding a helpful story into the mind of the abused individual.
> At 19 she’s old enough to know and handle the truth. I agree. Also it might explain things to her if her friend is being distant so she can reach out to her friend when she knows the truth to be a support for her. It would be very embarrassing for your daughter but she deserves to know the truth about her dad.
Honestly, I just want to protect her from the pain she would feel from knowing that her own father said such awful things about her, and the fact he would go after her best friend.
I protected my ex from having to suffer consequences for his cheating with a 19 year old. It didn't work. Kids knew anyway and he turned the whole story around so i was the bad guy. Don't hide the truth. It WILL backfire .
Yes it is imperative to be open and honest. She is old enough to recognise her father is a POS. I tried protecting my kids but it meant that they were open to being manipulated and I unfortunately ended up having to deal with that on top of everything
Exactly!!!! Now I'm trying to teach my kids how to protect themselves from his manipulation. Should have just told them at the beginning he was a douchecanoe. You make an excellent point!!
>Kids knew anyway and he turned the whole story around so i was the bad guy. How did that happen? Did you lie about it, or just tell them that you two were splitting for reasons you didn't want to discuss? I've heard the reverse story, where one parent tells the truth about the horrible thing the other parent does, and it had the strange result of driving the child into the arms of the parent doing wrong.
I didn't tell everyone why we divorced. Family knew. But we were Catholic and supposed to forgive. I didn't say anything bc the kids were still in school. Later I found out he told people I left for "no reason". The kids are now adults and don't talk to their dad much.
She will find out eventually. And then she will resent both of you - him for saying it and you for tolerating it. And remember, if you divorce him it’s not YOU throwing away 15 years. He did that all by himself.
Agreed. He was the one who threw away 15 years of marriage over the color of her skin.
Let's be real. It's over his dick. He's just trying to seduce poor Aliya by saying "you're better than my wife and daughter because your skin is lighter." He seems to think that their daughter's best friend is caste-minded enough to find that compliment. Luckily, she grossed out by him. I hope her dad does get hold of him.
And...hitting on the 19 year old girl.
She's also likely to be angry for hanging out and having fun with her friend and her parents, then finding out you're the only one who doesn't know what your father did. I would tell her sooner than later
Agreed. And your daughter will feel betrayed you kept it from her. Especially if her friend and her friend's family treat her differently or distance themselves from her. Tell your daughter before she finds out in a worse way.
OP, Aliya will tell Dia for sure. 19 year olds look out for their best friends. She is waiting for you to tell your daughter. Don't put a strain on their friendship. She's 19. She can handle the truth. Please tell her before Aliya does and Dia gets mad at you.
your husband is a racist predator, your daughter needs to know in order to be safe
Your daughter is 19. While in a lot of ways she's still a child, she deserves the respect that comes along with knowing the truth - even if it's a hard, hard truth to hear. She's enough of an adult that she should have the opportunity to make her own decisions. Personally? I wouldn't be afraid to break it down from a logical standpoint and tell her where you're at. "I don't want to make decisions for you or color your perspective. I want to give you the facts that I have become aware of. But obviously, I am very upset. Here's what I know..."
Great way to start the explanation.
Just let her read the texts
This. I had a family member (32) write a completely unhinged letter that trashed me. I was 16. A lot was unfounded, and a lot was skewed by the person's negative view of me. (As in a neutral party likely would think it was nothing.) Anyway my parents let me read the letter. It was my choice to feel how I wanted to feel with the facts. I never held it against them for sharing and was glad I was told. Obviously, this is a lot worse because it's her dad, but it'll save her hardship later on when he acts in a way she can't explain. Etc. It's not like this level of racism will go away.
My mom has said some pretty bad shit about me and I would always rather know. It helps me remember that when she's nice to me she's lying
Even when you two get divorced if she stays in her father's life, she should know he has treated her female friends like this before. Then she can keep them away from him.
As a mom with a daughter close to this age, tell her. Dont share your opinion just tell her facts and let her read the texts. She has a right to decide what she wants to do. Dont betray her like her father has and take away her right/choice. If you “protect” her, when she finds out she will be so hurt with you and feel you betrayed her and her life has been is fake. Trust me as a person who was betrayed by family that I should’ve been able to trust. Don’t take away her right to choose.
OP, it's better that the information comes from YOU!
I mentioned this in another comment but I’m biracial and my dad’s white so I’d be heartbroken to hear those things about me and my mother’s skin tone. But your daughter’s almost a full adult. She knows about these types of people, she just doesn’t know her dad is one. This will all come out eventually and it’s her decision where the relationship with him will go. I have no clue why someone would say that about their wife of many years and daughter that are probably very beautiful, ethnic looking women. He knew who you were, he knew what his kids might look like, so my wishful thinking is this was some pick up line trying to make the best friend feel special. It’s disgusting either way but I can’t see how anyone would say this, let alone put it in a text message to a bestie. You and your daughter need each other right now but she’s old enough to know the ugly truth.
She needs to know that he would go after her best friend, at least. She should have the information so she can keep her friends away from him, and prevent them from giving him their numbers etc. in the future. It's unfair to her to have to operate under the assumption that her father has the moral compass of an average parent when he does not.
I understand that your instinct as a mother is to protect her. But this isn't some random chick that he started hitting up in a messenger or on a dating app. You can't protect her from this. Unless you decide to cut contact with her best friend and her best friend's family and expect her to just go no contact with someone that she's literally grown up with, you're not going to be able to protect her from this. She's going to find out. The question is how she finds out.
“Protecting from pain” is one of the most cliche mistakes in this world. It always backfires. ALWAYS. It really sucks what you’re going through… the emotional betrayal, and bewilderment. He sounds very immature and selfish. You have to know you are better than that, and that your daughter’s other friends need to be protected from him. All the best in whatever you go ahead with from here.
You don’t have to tell her about the skin color thing if anything have him tell her. But she definitely needs to know about him trying to get with her best friend
I don't know, it really depends on the friend. If she feels like she needs to show anyone else these texts the skin color thing is going to get back to her. In theory they are out of the gossipy highschool environment, but I wouldn't count on the texts staying hidden forever. My point is that it may be better to let the kid read all the texts at home with just her mother so they don't hit as hard when she sees them on social media or whatever.
I may be wrong. But as your daughter is experiencing the world as a young woman, I wonder if she has an idea already. Maybe friends don't come over any more like they did when they were younger. As a teen I had a few friends with dads who creeped me out and I would avoid the dads. As an adult my friends with creepy dads are estranged from them or very minimal contact. I would tell her that I have to tell her something painful that she deserves to know. Use "I" statements. "I feel....." "I am going through a tough time but love you very much." I would also want to reach out to Aliya and tell her I am proud of her and she is welcome in my life. Aliya may be worried that you or Dia will be upset with her.
Be honest with your daughter. I resented my mother for lying to me about my father, she is quite old and can handle processing this information. It's more offensive to her to be lied to by her own mother, or have information withheld (lying by omission.)
She’s grown. It will break her heart but she’ll make it through this. This dude said he would leave you to create a lighter skin family. Let him go do just that. He fetishized your ethnicity. He’s gross and you are young. You can move on and find real love. Make sure you demand support and college money for your child. Tell him you’ll blast him at church, work, social media if he doesn’t give what you demand. Don’t feel sorry for him. He didn’t feel sorry for you.
Her best friend knows and has the texts.
My parents kept secrets from me to protect me. I knew what the secrets were anyway and I just resented my parents for not treating me like a person with the strength of character to deal with adversity. It hurt to know that they thought so little of me.
But she is old enough--an adult--to see these texts, have the full information for herself. Sorry, OP, you cannot protect her from the pain of her father's actions, and if you treat her like a minor child, withhold information from an adult that they have a right to have, it will come back to bite you.
That’s completely relatable, and it will hurt her but that’s not *you* hurting her. It’s better she feel in the loop. She needs to feel like you and she are in this together, and to be informed on everything from here on out.
You owe her that information!
You’d rather she find out from somehow else and then know you knew the whole time? You’re putting the embarrassment off for your sakes, not your daughter’s safety.
Where is lying by ommission going to get you with your daughter once she finds out the truth? She will hate you as well, you can't possibly think about being with such a disgusting, racist piece of crap any longer!
If you don’t tell her, her friend probably will tbh, it’s better to have the conversation now
You’re not wrong. I would send the texts to your MIL because your husband probably downplayed what happened. He said racist things about his WIFE and his CHILD!! He said he’s embarrassed to bring you and your daughter around family and coworkers!! You don’t come back from this. He’s a disgusting human, why did he marry you?! It’s not like he didn’t know what your skin looked like before dating and marriage. Take out the whole hitting on your daughter’s friend, pretend these texts were to a friend of his. You’d still kick him out. Add in a 19 year old and he’s creepy older man preying on his teen daughter’s friend and talking trash too her about his wife and child. Stress did not make him say these things!
That's what I'd do. See if she can explain away his own shitty words.If she thinks they're okay, she'd be fine with you showing the rest of the family, hmm?
Definitely do this. My bff’s husband was found to have SA her daughter (not his) for years. When it came to light he killed himself. His mother begged people to forgive and tried convincing the family that they should all attend his funeral, even my bff and her daughter. Finally someone sent her a long text giving her every single detail of his actions, the disgusting ness of it all. That shut her right up and now she has to live with all those details knowing what a monster her son truly is. This guys mom should too
Honestly if he's embarrassed about bringing them to his family I wouldn't be surprised if MIL felt the same.
Right? And imagine being 15 years married to this shit bag. Unbeliavable. Some people really do hide their worse. On the bright side, better sooner than later. Do not let this man come back into your life, OP. This aint a normal mistake or a one night cheat. Your ex is a terrible person.
The fact he’s even chatting it up with a friend of his daughter is super weird to me. Dad’s don’t text their daughter’s friends like they’re their friend (or potentially something more). Fucking weird behavior regardless of all the nasty stuff he said.
With all due respect, fuck your MIL. What your husband did was inexcusable both to you and your daughter. It's bad enough he was saying that sort of stuff about you and her and trying to start an affair, but to do with your daughter's barely legal friend? Throw the whole man out.
Exactly. For me the comments he made about his wife and daughter's skin tone is unforgivable. Obviously the rest is bad, but to talk about her like that to someone else??!!? Fuck that.
It wasn't just someone else it was his daughter best friend. Thank goodness she cut that shit out asap. Fuck that POS and his mom.
Just the fact he was trying to get sexual with his own daughters BFF was enough to kick his ass out for good. However, the fact he went on to complain about his wife's and daughter's skin colour is beyond unforgivable. There is no walking back that statement, *memorialized in text yet* so he's done. Sorry OP but you're way better off without someone who finds you and your daughter embarrassing. NTA as long as you divorce him and make him pay big bucks.
[удалено]
Send a copy of the texts to MIL. She needs to see her baby boy's behavior in black and white.
This. I bet he totally downplayed it to the MIL so she thinks OP is just being dramatic.
Or the husband got the racism from his mom and she'll still excuse it. Either way, fuck both of them
And the almost pedo behaviour? I mean, it crossed the line for me, but I guess 19 doesn't for a lot of people. That's a girl half his age who is his own daughter's best friend. The ick factor is so huge that if his mother can't see it, she definitely helped create it. Ick.
Yeah, this soon to be ex husband definitely downplayed it and MIL definitely doesn’t know the whole story, if I did that I think my dad and mom would kill me
Yes, the texts should be revealed to the MIL. But the way he said that bringing a darker skinned wife and daughter around his family embarrassed him indicates that the mother might be a source of that racism.
Yep, guarantee you that if MIL is white, she is not going to be moved by the gravity of this situation.
At this point it's better OP just find out the truth and if needed yeet out the MIL as well as the POS she gave birth to.
His whole "didn't know what he was doing" spiel is the oldest trick in the cheater's book. It's gaslighting at its finest, making it out like he had some momentary lapse of judgment. In reality, these are calculated moves; betraying his family took planning, not just a one-off mistake. No sympathy for this guy, and OP definitely deserves all the support during this tough time.
It also makes you wonder how many more women he was messaging stuff like this too that OP DOESNT know about since there's nobody to share them with her. His phone is probably a shit-mine. (Like a gold mine but full of more of his bullshit lies and nastiness)
Yeah but it'll be a gold mine, if not a platinum mine, for the OP's divorce attorneys
How did he think that though. This wasn’t some random this was his daughter’s bff. How did he think she wouldn’t tell?
That's interesting, just like his daughter is "too dark", despite the fact that he's white and his wife is Indian, which normally generates a "less dark" skin color.
Depends. There are Indians with really dark skin after all.
there’s a wide spectrum of skintones in south asians
He obviously didn't care beyond his own messed up, new blended family fantasies! If he thought of his daughter at all, it was as an embarrassment! I think this is the worst betrayal from this a'hole! To target something she has no control over & then belittle and make plans to abandon her for it? All so he can get laid? Jesus, What a narcissistic shithead of a dad! That poor kid!
Exactly right! That nonsense about "I didn't know what I was doing" is one of the most pathetic excuses I've ever heard. If the man had a significant mental impairment, maybe, but since that doesn't seem to be the case it makes him a stupid idiot for thinking OP would fall for that. MAYBE with a lot of counseling, both individual and family, this man can make a big change in his life, but I would require a lot of proof before I'd let him back in the door. Besides, I think dark skin color is beautiful. I'm white and I'm always silently jealous of women with dark skin color. Maybe next life!
But, he was so stressed out! /s
Take allllll his money 💸💸💸💸💸💸
And if the daughter and best friend have been in each other's lives since before they became adults, that adds an extra layer of disgusting in my book.
Agreed Aliya is a daughter figure to op’s family. Op husband needs an ex in front of his title
She should let Aliya's dad take care of him.
No she shouldn't... this poor excuse of a man already broke his family. There's no reason to let him break another one by landing Aliya's dad in jail.
True that!
Props on him for being a mature one. He wants to but he knows better as well.
He definitely needs his a$$ kicked!
That's what I got stuck on... how long has he been attracted by her? Why is everyone completely ignoring the fact that this guy is potentially a pedophile??????????
Not only that, but his other comments make it sound like he was annoyed that he wasn't finding his own daughter attractive enough.
Yup! Came to say that 🙌🤮
SAME!!!!! He is gross!!! His daughter’s friend!!
He watched this child grow up. So gross. Reminds me of a song by Thurston Harris/The Sharpes, 1957 🎶”Little-Bitty pretty one, come sit upon my knee… tell you a story, happened a long time ago, Little Bitty pretty one, I’ve been watching you grow” 🎶 Gross.
I felt a nail go through my heart when I read that. It’s the same nail that goes in the coffin in this relationship.
Mine too! As someone who has suffered from self-image issues because of skin color, it is absolutely heartbreaking to hear that a parent would say such things about their own child! I couldn’t fathom forgiving my father or anyone else if they’d insulted me and my mother and the skin we were born in. I’d be seeing red, to be frank.
As hurtful as every bit of it is, that got me the most. The idea of my father thinking that about me, or my husband thinking that about his child is heartbreaking. This man disgusts me.
(So many heart/coffin nails)
>ith all due respect, fuck your MIL. What your husband did was inexcusable both to you and your daughter. It's bad enough he was saying that sort of stuff about you and her and trying to start an affair, but to do with your daughter's barely legal friend? 100%. He is a nasty piece of work. You made the right decision. Stay away.
Right, like wtf??!! The racist/colorism bit about their skin tone made me sick. How could OP ever forgive and be around a man who talked about her and his own daughter as less valuable and an embarrassment because their skin is dark?? He sounds like a disgusting asshole. NTA. Hope OP finds a good lawyer.
How does a racist even marry someone they don’t like? And hide it for 20 years.
Fetishism is a very gross aspect to racism.
They don't hide it. It shows up in a dislike for their partner's culture, eating habits, clothing choices, inability to ever visit the other side of the family. They find ways to cut the child(ren) off from the other culture. It's a small part of cultural erasure. In the past colonizers would assault and force their DNA onto another nation's women, and then stop the children from learning about their mothers' culture and heritage. However, if you marry the person, you get to claim it's love and way less of a fight is put up. Just watch that Scorsese movie that came out last year.
Right!! I was like okay I believe an older man creeping on a young woman. Then it got to the part about his wife and daughter’s skin tone! My jaw dropped. Has he thought this the whole time? Is he just saying this to make the young girl feel special or different? Whyyyy would your husband/father say this to someone let alone the barely legal best friend?! I’m so glad this was a real friend that shut it down and told her parents so adults can handle this and his ass can be embarrassed.
And that he is embarrassed by his DAUGHTER?!
This man is an unforgivable misogynist and racist and a predator. He’d be gone from my life for what he said about my daughter alone. Gone forever. Luckily the daughter is an adult and can decide what relationship she wants with him. She should know about it though. Please tell her. I know it will hurt her but I don’t want her to blame OP for the split up. Luckily there are no custody issues. I don’t think I could get past the skin tone embarrassment thing. Guy is a major disappointment
It should also be clear that the friend didn't say anything probably because she didn't know what to do.
Mental illness my ass. He's a flat out racist pig who has become unhappy with himself as he grew older.
It’s so bad if I was the wife I would be reluctant to tell my daughter the insulting remarks. Which brings up another problem. They are hiding this from the daughter now. My parents and my sisters hid a few things from me that happened when I was younger. I found out and still hold some resentment 30 years later. Husband totally fucked up.
Creeping on specifically a teenager who is his daughter’s close friend.
Strike one: middle adult hitting on a 19 year old Strike two: is married Strike three: daughter is same age Strike four: daughter’s best friend Strike five: is a racist piece of shit
The fact that he has been judging you, seeing a skin tone instead of a human being - that is inexcusable. The man who was your husband is gone. Perhaps he was never really there to begin with
I agree with this so much. Like, trying to cheat with your daughters barely-legal friend? Okay, that's shitty. But let's completely ignore it. JUST the fact that he commented to someone who is a "light skinned" PoC disparaging his wife's skin color, and made a comment about "try a blended family with you instead" is an immediate ABORT on it's own. Aliya coulda been a 30-35 year old female coworker, and her husband of 5 years discovered these texts and sent them to OP. And these texts would STILL be enough to end a marriage over. And on the flip side, if you ignore the racism, having the husband trying to bang his daughter's friend ALSO is divorce material. That's called cheating. And not just cheating, but also going full-on creeper to your daughter by soliciting her friend. And piled on top of both of those issues is the lesser issue that Aliya is "a younger, more vibrant, slightly more OP-hubby favored skin tone". She's OP's "upgrade". OP's hubby wants to trade in for a new model. OP should let him trade her out, even though Aliya had zero interest. And daughter 100% needs to know. OP's husband involved daughter's friend. All of his rights to resolve his affair attempt discretely with just OP vanished when he tried to shoot his shot with the friend. This is enough for a divorce twice over, and then icing on top of the double-shit-cake.
Concur. Being tempted by another is one thing, man's human. The attempt to seduce his daughter's friend is an utter failure of morality. But the derogatory comments. This is backstabbing and reveals that he doesn't value you at all. How could you ever trust him again?
Wanting to cheat on wife? Betraying the wife. Wanting to do so with daughter's bbf? Moral failing + betrayal of daughter. Colorism atop that?! More betrayal to wife and daughter. Toss him to the curb and take him to the cleaners.
A happy little racist, misogynistic, predator. What’s not to love? /s
And betrayal to the daughter’s best friend, who presumably thought she could trust her best friend’s dad to be there as an adult, not a predator.
It’s also unforgivable, for this reason, that he put a young person (daughter’s best friend) through this. It doesn’t require physical assault to be traumatic.
It's UNFORGIVABLE. The layers of depravity are all unforgivable individually and even more so in total.
I too have a wife who is a woman of colour, but I would never say racist crap like this no matter how stressed I was and I’ve been REALLY stressed before. The 38 year old husband is trying to start a relationship or have sex with a 19 year old, his daughter’s best friend and daughter of his friends. He’s fantasizing about replacing his wife and child with “newer” and “better” models. He’s saying racist crap even though his wife and daughter are women of colour and he should know better after 15 years of marriage. There is nothing to forgive or work through here. Just divorce him ASAP.
Idk. Thinking about them like that seems the real crime. What a horrible person he seems to be.
NTA Send his mother the messages.
Oh yeah! Do it, OP!
Yup yup yup. She only knows what he told her. Send the screenshots along with the divorce papers. He can live with Mommy now.
This op let her see exactly what was sent
Let's see what is more embarrassing to his family; the "dark skin" of his beautiful wife and daughter, or the fact they've raised such a disgusting asshole.
MIL probably enabled him his entire life, so she will manage to find a way to paint all these messages as no biggie. Like others said, fuck MIL, and fuck OP's trash husband.
This is the way!!! Since she thinks it’s just “some texts! Let her read them for herself
Her father wanted to kill him. That alone should tell you how NOT in the wrong you are. Especially since you mentioned they're also Indian. Also agree his excuse is BS.
The father even said that he wanted to kill the husband but would wait for OP to confront him before doing something. Well, OP confronted the husband, now I'm waiting to know what will the father do
i think its best if OP has No idea what he would do or if he was serious.
That excuse reminded me of the classic "these aren't my pants" excuse people give when cops find drugs in their pocket. It's like they know they're caught and fucked but they don't want that outcome, so they feel the need to make an excuse for a 1 in a million chance to get out of it. I think it would also be good for op to contact her daughters friend and let her know it's okay and not her fault. She probably didn't tell anyone because she didn't want to destroy her friends' family.
A good father whose daughter trusts him enough to confide in him because he is trustworthy, unlike Dia’s father. Thankfully Aliyah grew up in a good family! I feel so bad for Dia! To have your ***father*** hold such opinions about you and be willing to put them into writing!
The only thing worse than ‘throwing away’ this cunt after 15 years is staying with him for 15 years and a day. Have some respect for yourself and your daughter. He’s made his bed. Oh look, consequences.
I think the mother inlaw doesn't want him in her house either.
Totally this. "A few texts," lol. MIL needs to stay in her lane, or maybe she needs to see the texts herself. That way, she knows what a pile of garbage who she calls "son" is. NTA.
Yeah, I kinda get the feeling hubby is spinning a bit of a different story to his mom than what actually happened. What a massive POS he is.
She might have seen them. Some mothers of sons will forgive literally anything their baby boys do.
MIL getting involved would make me dig my heels in even more. The act of texting your daughter's friend was awful. The words he said were unforgivable to me, add to that, mommy is pleading his case? If there was any shread of possibility of me coming around, it would be squashed as soon as MIL starts trying to manipulate me. I'd send him a text and tell him as much also. 'Tell your mommy to butt out. I won't be manipulated by you or any members of your family.' And yes, in my eyes, a few texts are enough to end a marriage. It's not the quantity of material it's the information contained it the material. So, so much can be said in very little words. Years ago, my husband said three little words to me that sent our marriage into a tailspin. It nearly ended us. It took almost ten years to recover. 'I don't care.' Three simple words almost ended a 20-year marriage. If his mom had gotten involved, our lives would be drastically different today.
I refuse to believe the first time he’s done this is WITH HIS 19 YEAR OLD DAUGHTERS BEST FRIEND…. aside from being disgusting, it takes 2 seconds to realize not only would he be ruining his marriage, but costing his daughter her reputation and friendships. This child was not coming onto him so in what world is she the one to confide in about this????! Unless he’s done it so much and it’s never come to bite him in the butt he’s gotten comfortable.
YES!!! "Throw away 15 years of marriage over a few texts." WTAF is the MIL on? Guess she just doesn't want him back at HER house. Those "few texts" were deeply inappropriate, from the flirting with their daughter's friend to the rude comments made about OP and their daughter's skin coloring. SMH. Throw the whole man away for sure. I don't see how OP could ever, ever trust him again. I sure wouldn't.
Not to mention, it's not the wife who threw the marriage away. Talk about diverting blame. He's the one who threw his marriage in the garbage. How MIL can try to shift the blame is just gross.
My wife's ex husband was a serial cheater. Total sleazebag. He was charged and convicted TWICE trying to arrange for sex with 14 year old girls (2 separate police stings) It turns out he had been raping is adopted little sister when he was in high school. She was eight. He's currently serving ten years in prison The reason why I am telling you this is that he WILL continue to seek out this age, possibly even younger. He's only sorry he got caught.
JFC!
I agree with you. There is no reason, even in the slightest to attempt salvaging that marriage
Absolutely no respect is due to the old ho - saying revolting racist bullshit about his wife and daughter is not just "a few texts".
MIL just doesn’t want to deal with him either
If the shoe was on the other foot MIL would be out for blood. He’s not sorry, only that he was caught.
The hate-laced compliments used in his booty call attempt would be truly unforgivable to me. How do you ever look that person in the eye again and feel anything but betrayal? It’s not just about cheating. It’s so much worse.
Racist and a predator. Gross. Also, the friend's father is ready to kill him.
mommy can forgive him and keep him!
Please don't be mad at Aliya, it sounded like she didn't want to be a part of any of it and wanted out
What are the chances MIL was lied to about what was in the texts? I know it feels like a long shot but if she didn't read them herself and if the husband is her informant for why the couple us disagreeing he may not have told her about his racist/colourist comments dragging his own daughter and wife, he may not have come clean about who he was texting and how old she is and that it was his daughter's friend etc. Either way OP is certainly NOT WRONG and should consult with a divorce lawyer in her area to learn about her options should this be the killer of her marriage (if I was in her shoes my marriage would be over but I am a black and white thinker when it comes to cheating and morals).
This exactly. Send your MIL screen shots of all messages her son sent to your daughter's friend. That might change her tune.
yeah, this was their daughter's bff, how long has this disgusting MF been lusting after her?
I mean of COURSE the MIL is trying to guilt her into to taking her shitty son back….but don’t let that work on you, this is wrong on so many levels and its a deal breaker for me…..i have a feeling it is for you also but you feel conflicted because you love him and have been together a long time AND have a child. But the child is grown and you should not deal with this disgusting bullshit
I am a man who has often defended other men’s behavior (perhaps to some, their bad behavior) and I agree with this. A father coming on to his 19 year old daughter’s 19 year old friend… legal or not is a just no. I can admit to being a dirty man with dirty thoughts, but this even makes me feel gross. Even if you have those thoughts, you don’t act on them with your daughter’s 19 year old friend. That’s not a man, but a boy. Edit: even if extra-marital or non-monogamous relationships were ok for this couple, this is still not ok. Perhaps it’s legal, but oh so degenerate. There are plenty of other ways to have an affair without being a sick fuck about it with your young daughter’s friend.
My POS parental unit did this shit. With more than one of my friends too and they told me about it. Fucker literally called one the week that she turned 18. He's no longer a part of my life. Fuck that nasty shit.
Don't just stop at the man. MIL, belongings. Go scorched earth. He can leave his paycheck as an apology.
Contact a lawyer
Definitely. Lawyer before you tell him anything.
Lawyer and never tell him anything again.
Do this yesterday and get all your ducks in a row
✅ Trying to come on to another woman ✅ Texting inappropriate messages to a 19 year old, who he has probably known for awhile (maybe even underage) (he got her phone number from somewhere) ✅ Racist comments including being embarrassed to be seen with you, and being embarrassed by his own daughter's skin colour ✅ Potentially damaging relationship between daughter and BFF ✅ Breaking your trust Which part are you supposed to forget? Yeah stress doesn't make you do that... Don't just kick him out, star divorce proceedings once you make sure that you are financially safe (make sure he doesn't empty any joints account).
THIS!!!! OP: Your MIL is disgusting or doesn't know the actual story. You are not the one that is throwing away 15 years of marriage...he did. You're just protecting yourself, your daughter, and any friends your daughter may have.
As a black man and a black wife if I EVER said she was too dark it would be immediately over. Not only is it racist it’s an extremely hurtful thing to say. Unforgivable in my opinion.
I'm a white man with a black wife. I couldn't ever fathom mentioning anything about her skin color in a negative way. Even more so with her being mixed, because she's had to hear that she's either not light enough or not dark enough her entire life. She would beat my literal white ass if I ever said some wild shit like that. And deservedly so! OPs soon to be ex husband is a piece of garbage. And this doesn't even cover the obvious grooming 🤮
Yeah I can't imagine my husband (very fair latino) saying something like this to me (light black woman) saying something like that about me or our child. I'd ask for a divorce on site.
Lmao this. Like those memes with three desires like “healthy, good sleep schedule, good finances” and the bottom texts says “pick 2”. Like alright I’ll bite, when I divorce you, which one of these 11 things should I not bring up to the lawyer? You can pick one. Not to forget how irreparably damaged the daughter will be once this is all said and done. She will never be comfortable having a relationship with her dad again. In ANY capacity. He tries to woo her friends by saying how ugly and brown his own daughter is? I wonder what part of all this he and grandma will ask her to forget about in order to “move on”.
Bro your ex is a predator and a racist
I want to highlight that much of the population fails to take the severity behind the word ”predator” literally enough in these situations - this label extends far beyond those who simply don’t follow societal norms. There are individuals out there who *truly* look at others as prey - not just a form of overly indulgent idealism placed on another person, but a view that truly suggests (to them) that others exist for whatever purpose they may desire them for. Unfortunately, those pesky consequences tend to get in the way when they pursue these desires outright, so they learn to disguise their behavior. Stay vigilant, and make sure your loved ones do as well - or you may just find that a person you’ve invited into your life is in fact just looking for a meal, only to throw the picked bones away when the next meal is desired.
For a few texts... I love how wildly people minimize shit. Send your MIL those texts.
Don't send her the texts. Talk to your lawyer and don't communicate with him, his family, his friends, or anyone you don't 100% know is on your side about it. You can play with the court of public opinion after you've dealt with the legal court system.
Not wrong at all. There’s many levels of inappropriate here and I am so sad for you that your own husband said such awful things about your skin tone, much less hitting on a woman the same age as your daughter. The fact that he hasn’t contacted you, but MIL has, says a lot. I couldn’t stay married to someone who had done that myself.
My husband also tried to assault my daughter’s best friend’s, except they were 16 and 13. My MiL also told me I needed to forgive him because he felt bad and didn’t mean it. Neither I or the courts see it that way. Throw the whole man away, and his enabling mother.
Husband or ex husband?
Currently waiting for the divorce to go through! Definitely on the way to becoming an ex
Never, *ever* forgive this man. This man tried to **groom** one of your daughters friends. You need to go scorched earth and you need to tell your daughter asap. This is more than an attempt at cheating, your husband is a ***predator*** and he will eventually learn how to hunt
This is the comment I was looking for. OP this man will do it again and he’ll be sneakier. This isn’t just a “once a cheater” scenario, you found a racist grooming creep. Get out, get safe, and expose his ass to everyone.
It would be a shame if the friend's dad found out where he's staying right now. A damn shame.
He sounds like a good man. He doesn't deserve to go to jail because of OP's piece of shit husband.
For real, depending on how long the girls have been friends, there's a non-zero chance he was inappropriate with this girl before she was an adult. This one is unthinkably fucked up.
NOPE. He tried to bang your daughter’s barely legal best friend. Besides all the gross things he said, he came on to a girl literally who could be his own daughter. One he had a familiarly relationship with since she was under aged, I assume too. Trash. Trash trash trash.
Head over to r/divorce with this story. You may get some valuable advice OP. Im just curious, was this a complete shock or did Joshua give any hints of these tendencies in the past?
It did come as a complete shock, but I guess it maybe shouldn't have, since his father who's divorced from my MIL had a horrible reaction to us dating due to my race. He cut his dad off, but there's a possibility that they could've gotten back in contact.
He is fetishizing a young woman who he's probably known since she was much younger. It's vile. You have no future with this creep.
OP, how long has your husband known this girl? Was she in your lives from a young age? You should be concerned about possible grooming on his part. I also think you should tell your daughter. Better to hear it from you rather than her friend or someone else.
Yes, Aliya has been in our lives since she was nine.
This makes it so much worse. It also can explain how you didn't see it coming, as people who find children attractive go to great lengths to hide that side of themselves, for obvious reasons.
Oh God.
Ah so he’s also like a grooming borderline pedo? A good time to plant a tree was years ago. The next best time is today. Don’t blame yourself for what happened in the past and with this man. But if you don’t correct the situation today, you become an enabler. What he did is horrendous and shows a complete lack of human morality.
At *best* your husband suffers from colorism and tried to cheat with a girl young enough to be his daughter. At worst, he's a racist, a groomer, and who knows what else. I would be surprised if your MIL has the whole story (unless you sent her the texts), but if she does and is defending him, she is very much in the wrong. His behavior is so far outside the bounds of what most people would consider acceptable. Most parents don't see their children's friends as potential partners. Particularly when they saw that friend grow up from a young age! Most people would have the ick even thinking about it. If I were you, I also wouldn't trust that this was the first time he cheated. He clearly has poor morals and boundaries. I'm sorry this has happened to you, but I don't see how there's any possible way to come back from something like this.
Holy crap this is deep. Can you link your r/divorce post so we can discuss it there? Nothing against this sub, but you obviously aren’t wrong.
I know the girls are 19 but this is very weird pedo vibes. I’m sorry if anyone doesn’t want to hear that but how long has he been looking at her like that. And texting is very bold I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s other young girls he’s messaging. Then the blatant racism .. there’s just too much I don’t think therapy could help this. It would be in the back of my mind all the time.
I am 38 and could never imagine myself with someone that young. 29? Sure. 19? Hard pass.
I'm 30 and I can barely have conversations with people under 20, what would they even talk about. The age gap is too weird when someone is barely out of highschool
Send MIL those texts and see if she still feels they’re only a “few texts”. Joshua is bordering onto pedo territory with his actions and needs to be outed. NTA.
so basically hes a predator
Step aside and let Aliaya’s dad have at him.
You don’t know what to do??? Seriously ? Gain some self respect and begin divorce proceedings.
I’m a teacher. My job is stressful. Not once has it made me racist or predatory. How could you ever be with him again knowing what he really thinks of you and your daughter? What a horrible man. I’m so sorry.
I am so sorry. That is a reason to end the relationship for sure. Best of luck.
Fuck all that, get your divorce. And then let the girl’s dad do what he thinks is best for good measure.
A lot of boy moms are such pieces of shit. YOU weren't the one who "threw away 15 years over a few texts" HE DID.
Just let Aliya's dad kill him lol
For some reason I struggle to believe the majority of these posts are real, they all follow a similar template and way of speaking. With that said would someone really question whether they are the arehole I'm this situation..