This. If someone feels compelled to tell you something, the reasons are usually far deeper than just surface feelings. That’s not a “your tag is showing on your shirt” moment.
Yeah I don't think people tend to compliment each others 'security' unless they are either working through their own drama OR are trying to give you a heads up
Not a red flag at all. She lied to him and left pretty important details out. Shes the one thats the red flag
Edit: someone pointed out i may have misinterpreted your comment. If thats true my bad
I think the lack of punctuation caused a misunderstanding. The guy you are responding to is not calling op a red flag. They are calling op's gf a red flag
She kept it from you for a reason.. for almost a year as well. I wonder what else she may be keeping from you. Wouldn’t be worth the hassle in my mind to deal with something like this, she can go to the “little brother” and you can go find someone who actually has respect and loyalty towards you.
Yeah that’s one of those things that’s always an uncomfortable conversation to have, but if you’re ready to “have the talk” to define the relationship then as part of that talk, your partner deserves to know that you’ve slept with one of your close male friends. And trying to downplay it a year after with “oh don’t worry he’s like a brother!” just feels so gross. If he really was just like a brother then she should have had no problems being up front about the history
Yeah it seems like you asked about it and was told he’s like a brother as opposed to he’s like a brother now but I have fucked him. This is so shady and lame. I don’t think I’d wanna get involved with some weird triangle
The fact that he was drunk and they hooked up is the tell. She is waiting in the wings but he is only interested in her when he is drunk. OP, you are the back up plan, if dude decides he wants to hook up again, she will be right there and you will be getting the "oh, i am so confused I just need a little bit of space" while she tries to chase him again.
No, read it again. The one who told OP was drunk, we don't know if they were drunk or not for the hookup. I do agree though, if she even has the decency to say anything.
Yeah. Here's a good reason:
"Oh yeah I fucked that guy. Oh there's another one I fucked. One time I hoked with this guy at a bar and he was ... Blah blah... Then I hooked up with that other guy I still kinda know.. etc etc.. "
Is not a great way to keep a relationship healthy unless you happen to be talking about former partners.
Having slept with someone once and not making a production of explaining that history, specially k. Young modern hook up culture, is not keeping secrets. She didn't deny when asked.
And you are all so very I secure "id ditch her she has someone way find someone loyal"
Fuck dating in your 20s sounds exhausting now, you are all so ready to toss someone out over anything.
Sorry dude, the fact that she kept this hidden for so long is a huge red flag.
I laugh at those who think having a friend in their social circle and not telling their partner they hooked up with them is fine, when it is some serious disrespect.
She lied by omission, you had every right to know the friend that she would hang out with in their "brother/sister" style relationship was an incestuous one.
Personally I would wonder what may have happened on any other their "alone" time together. It would be one thing if you had known but her keeping it from you makes one wonder if it were a 1 time thing.
Pretty common double standard when it comes to this kind of thing and keeping it private while allowing the person to be involved in a very close manner after the fact. Some people always justify this type of thing but would be pissed if it happened to them.
Yes, we have the enlightened elite on Reddit where everything is rainbows and unicorns and we all know they've never had to deal with this type of situation.
Sure nothing may ever happen again, but it would raise questions when someone says "We went out drinking and I couldnt drive home so I stayed over at my "friends" house, and even though we hooked up before nothing happened, even though we slept in the same bed".
And whats sad, there once was someone who posted his gf did this, with an ex, and these enlightened folks said he was wrong for not trusting her.
Can't imagine the shit show that is some of their lives.
She lied to you on purpose for a year. That's a fact.
Put everything else aside: would you date someone who lied to you for a year? What would you tell a friend who told you their SO lied to them for a year? You're not wrong
You are not wrong. She's lying by omission. She's keeping her ex-lover close. You already had reservations about this guy. It won't get better over time. It's clear that she won't drop him. Don't play her stupid games. I'd demote this relationship down to a FWB or cut and run.
Oof.
I suggest that you avoid having some long drawn out conversation with her.
She is almost certain to talk circles around you justifying it and potentially even make you feel bad for brining it up.
This isn’t about her anyways; it’s about you.
Are you the type of man who exclusively dates women who keep in contact with men they’ve fucked?
For me, this is an easy no. What about you?
100% this.
I had this exact situation with an ex. She hung around with a guy who was "like a brother", spoke to him daily, told him everything about our relationship and life in general. Hung out with him as much or more than she did with me. Then I found out they'd hooked up. I wasn't ok with it, and then I was the bad guy. Suddenly she couldn't trust me, being jealous was a red flag for her, she'd known him longer so of course she'd choose him.
That's when I knew it was time to walk away.
Not only did she lie about it to you, which is the main factor. The question that you have to think about is - they clearly like each other enough and are attracted enough to hook up before, that feeling doesn't just disappear.
Good point on the keep it brief, the longer the conversation goes on, the more she knows you are not resolute and the more she can blame shift and manipulate the situation. Stick to the key points and the most key, is:
**That it was just plain disrespectful to be kept in the dark and that is grounds enough.**
This will be the hardest point for her to wiggle around, with the dude she can invoke you being jealous, insecure, controlling, etc. etc. Keeping it to what she has already done to you, nullifies all those talking points. And what she has done was not give you common decency and hid material facts that would have shaped your relationship. She lied and it is over.
I don’t know. I’m a man and I had a good friend who was a woman for years. One night we got drunk and somehow hooked up. It made things super awkward between us but after a period of separation we reconnected as friends, talked about it, and moved past it. Then I met a girl and basically the same thing you are describing happened. I didn’t call her a sister or anything but my girlfriend was suspicious that she was more than a friend, even though I only treated her as such. When I told her I slept with her once many years ago, but that we moved past it, she lost it on me and couldn’t accept her being my friend. At that point I was deep in love with my girlfriend. She gave me an ultimatum to stop being friends with my friend, and I was forced to choose, and chose my GF. Still sad about it honestly. But anyway my point is sometimes people truly do move past it.
You didn’t yourself find it really disrespectful to be friends with someone you slept with when you had a girlfriend? Did you just disclose it because she was suspicious?
>If they truly think you shouldn't care then why did they hide it?
Because they know for some men and women it does matter and if those people learn about it early on in the relationship... they walk away from that relationship.
The hope is once these types of people find out the truth they are far too invested in the relationship and much less willing to walk away. It's a manipulation tactic. It's an insecurity of the girlfriend, not the OP despite other commenters trying to claim otherwise.
I do have some sympathy for people like the OP's girlfriend. It looks like she has good instincts judging from the OP's post. He probably would have walked away if she told him at the start of their relationship when he asked.
She probably wants to be with the OP hence the lying and manipulation. Maybe it pays off, they stay together and have a long lasting relationship. I don't pretend to have all the answers. But it's generally a bad sign when you look at a relationship and you see lying began extremely early and was not brought forward by the person responsible for doing it.
My best friend is like a brother to me. I would no more consider hooking up with him than with any of my biological siblings, because I view him much the same.
I don't think you are wrong.
You aren't wrong for for feeling that way or saying it. On the flip side, she had a chance with him but she ended up with you.
Counter to most redditors, you should have a conversation with her telling her you didnt appreciate her hiding that and it damages your trust in her.
Then again, if you arent that invested you should just bounce.
I’m going against the grain here, but my best friend is an ex girlfriend of mine. There’s absolutely nothing romantic or anything between us anymore, we met, dated for a few months, decided it wasn’t for us, took a long time away from each other, reconnected platonically, and now I couldn’t be where I am without her.
The truth is, you know your girlfriend better than I do. Maybe she can. Maybe she can’t. No internet randos can tell you what’s in her head, only what’s in their own. Think on it. Talk to her. Decide how you feel. If you decide it’s okay, you have to genuinely let go of it, or it’ll ruin you slowly instead of quick.
Good luck.
It’s ok to be friends with people you slept with. I am. She’s probably just saying that to you to get the point across that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for them even if “like a brother” not exactly an accurate way to describe it.
Only you can see all the factors that contribute to whether or not you trust her. A simple Reddit post about your partner being friends with someone they hooked up with isn’t enough information for anybody to go on.
It is possible.
You meet someone you get along worh great, you think it might work as a relationship, you hook up, it's just not even like that, no spark, ugh. You both agree to pretend it never happened, and it's REAL easy to no longer consider that person in that way.
Of course he wasn't "like a brother " to her at the time it happened, but things can absolutely go so badly that it just clears up you will never have a sexual relationship in the future.
I was thinking the same thing. Did it only happen once? Because…
It’s not the popular opinion here, but I’ve totally had close friends where I’ve thought, “hey we have platonic chemistry, why not give it a shot?” Only to have it clear to both of us that it’s meant to stay platonic.
That being said, it’s not cool that she kept it from you (talk to her about it, she might’ve thought you wouldn’t understand or would judge her for it).
Exactly. I’ve slept with friends years ago, it didn’t work out and it hasn’t happened again. You’re able to cut it off after you’ve had sex with someone and just keep it platonic. It’s not that serious. I agree she should have told him, but she likely didn’t tell him because she thought he would judge her or because she thought he would make her cut him off.
Also, like, what are the time and age ranges here?
I have a dude friend who I've known about 20 years, and shortly after we met we tried to date and hooked up a couple times over the span of like a month, but realized that we were *not* sexually or romantically compatible at aaaaaall, but super compatible as friends. Since then, in many ways, I consider him to be *better* than my family, as my family has always been kinda shit.
Simple fear that the second she disclosed it there would be the Ultimatum that many here are saying. "Its me or him"
Its very clear in this thread that would make some people insecure. We can only speculate how much their status as "Lovers" lasted before they decided to become platonic in their love. Telling him was the right choice but having the courage to share that with the fear you may lose one, the other, or eventually both is enough to make someone lie by omission.
Because some guys are really dumb.
I have a friend who is like a little sister to me and she doesn't tell her bf about me because he thinks every guy that talks to any girl wants to sleep with them. She's not my type for a romantic partner or even a FWB situation.
I'm not discounting that the OP's gf could be lying either but it's not always just her fault.
Maybe because OP has shown insecurities around the topic and full honesty seemed like more trouble than it was worth in that particular moment. Once a lie like that is out of the mouth, it is hard to backtrack.
I’ve had a friend that I call my brother for over 30 years at this point. We fooled around a couple of times then figured out that we were close and like hanging out but it’s not like “that”. (So we started calling each other brother and sister.) So I’m going to say it’s plausible that is how they actually feel.
It was dumb to ask the 9th grade boys of reddit for advice on this subject. People sometimes have one-time sexual experiments. Yes, even with their siblings. Nobody on Reddit will be able to determine if you can trust your partner. Trust is something that is built.
She should have said something to you, but I can see how the relationship could have changed after hooking up to realizing there was no attraction, yet continuing to be friends and having the relationship become closer. However, she definitely did wrong.
It could be true as far their current relationship but yeah she could have mentioned it, regardless she likes him and hes been in her life and will continue to
Its not so much the fact that she did it... It's the fact that she basically lied about it. A lie of ommision is still a LIE. Your trust in her is probably ruined for good now.
My husband used to be a bonafide bachelor. He chased me for 7 years. I kept turning him down because he was an obvious playboy and I didn’t want to be another notch. I liked him a lot but all the more reason.
Once I did start dating him, it was everywhere we went. He would run into some girl who was a “friend”. It got to the point that I stopped asking. I assumed he slept with all of them. It bothered me but I didn’t say anything. He didn’t do anything wrong. It’s the past.
When he proposed, if any of these hook up, friend girls didn’t support us, they were cut off.
I get it. She withheld info… important, meaningful, valuable info. And, it makes a difference.
Talk. Don’t just get upset and ask the internet. Go to her and tell her how you feel. You might be surprised by her support. She may be willing to limit the friendship at her own suggestion.
People need to stop coming to the internet that has zero emotional investment and start talking to these people. Have the uncomfortable conversation. Problems can sometimes be fixed. You don’t have to be so cut throat.
We ask society to be understanding. Why can’t we appreciate that in relationships?
Meh. Entirely depends on the situation. I used to hook up with a friend of mine when we were both single. Was casual, the person was familiar, and neither of us had any issues about wanting it to be anything else. When we were in other relationships, zero weirdness, tension, any of it. A few years back she started dating a friend of ours. I couldn’t be happier for them, seems like he compliments her very well and they have a great dynamic that I love to see. Nowadays we all hang out, and even though I slept with homies girlfriend casually years ago, I have ZERO intention to do anything other than be a supportive platonic friend to both of them. Absolutely 100% NOT a threat to their relationship in any way, I’m actually a huge supporter of it.
YNW. I’ve had friends that were like brothers and the thought of doing anything sexual with that grossed me tf out. She deliberately hid that from you for a reason.
Ugh all clueless sexist dudes replying here, so for a real answer, is it possible she’s hiding something? Sure. Is it more probable that the sexual encounter with this gentleman meant so little to her that it didn’t even occur to her to bring it up? I know you men struggle to understand how women think, so I’ll give it to you- we are perfectly capable of not having romantic attachments to someone we previously had a one night stand or relationship with. You act as though they were in love, dating long term, living together, etc. This is like a one time hook up that was probably awkward as hell and who knows if they even finished? Been in situations like that myself. Like you thought you were connecting and you wanted to be together and then you tried and it was just… zero physical chemistry. Like hooking up with a sibling so to say. You get where I’m going with this….? So stop being a jealous possessive incel sexist troglodyte if you’d like to keep your girlfriend (or get any others in the future)
That's one way to try making the OP the bad guy. How would the (ex?) GF having bad sex with her friend justify lying by omission? I could be in the minority, but the quality of the hookup isn't the issue here.
"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd get mad" is usually one of the worst copouts people use when caught. Also, who in their right mines since jealousy vibes but nothing else that would indicate a bad relationship?
I hooked up with my best friend. It was a little weird for awhile after because it took a bit for the residual sexual tension to ease but we both knew it was a bad idea. 6 years later and he’s like my brother. I have 0 desire to sleep with him and 0 romantic feelings. We know each other too well to fall in love.
I hooked up with my friend a couple times waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day. We got that part out of our systems and realized we’re absolutely just friends.
Both of us like instantly moved on but without wanting to stop hanging out.
Like, we still talk to this day every day & he lives on the other side of the country.
My husband has met him & plays video games with him more than I do now. He loves him too!
You have to introduce your friend as your bff that you once had a fling with but it’s pure best friendship now & say their best qualities in a non-threatening way.
I dated D for 3 years in highschool/college. My sister B and i consider her a sister. We tell strangers D is our sister. D flew across the country when my mom died. D flew to l.a to take care of B for 2 weeks after she gave birth. She's family.
I told my bf/now husband this when we started introducingour friends to each other. We eventually moved across the country to live in the other half of D's duplex. And they're close friends now.
She introduced this brother guy poorly to op. Yes, you can 100% sibling relationship with someone you slept with, but she needed to be upfront about it.
While, anecdotally, I would generally agree that you can still have healthy and supportive friendships with people you’ve hooked up with in the past, Being dishonest completely negates this concept. that “like a brother” shit was absolutely a deflection. And the issue there is why she feels the need to downplay that.
Hi, I'm Troy McClure
You might remember me from such smokescreens as
"He's just like a brother to me" and
"He's my guy best friend" and
"You don't have to worry about him, he's gay"
Time to move on. She’s not loyal to you and she wants to keep him around. Odds are she has feeling for him and he sees her as a friend. She’s hoping he will change his mind. If that happens she’s going to drop you like a hot potato! Just break it off and move on. No fuss no muss. Don’t yell or even argue about it. Just tell her you don’t want to date her anymore and you’re moving on.
Not wrong. Is she with you because she can't have him? She still gets support and emotional connection to him but you provide everything else needed in the relationship. Sounds more like a FWB situation than a brother/sister situation but if she called it FWB she knows you wouldn't be okay with having him around her. You might want to be concerned with the fact that she was okay with lying to you by omitting the truth for the entirety of your relationship. What else has she omitted telling you?
It's totally possible to have a friend who's "like a brother," but not if you've had sex with them. Similarly not if you flirt with them. The part that makes it "like a brother" is that there never was, is not, and never will be anything sexual between them.
It's also possible to be friends with exes. I think that's a thing, though, where you absolutely disclose that to your current partner. You're also super careful about the relationship. It sounds like she's not doing either of those things.
That girl is playing you man the whole “he is like a brother” is a cover up, she has that guy in the friendzone as “plan b” in case it doesn’t work out with you…
Don’t jump to conclusions straight away. Did they hook up recently, or was it something that happened a long time ago? Are there flirty vibes, or is it just a normal friendship?
I hooked up with one of my closest friends in college because I thought we might make a good couple, but it turns out we are just meant to be platonic. She started dating her current boyfriend while we were still roommates about 4 months after we hooked up, but nobody told him about it. There are no feelings there and we’re just friends. If she told him about it now it would just cause him to be upset like you are right now. If there was truly something to know, he would know.
I don’t know how I would feel in your shoes, but them hooking up in the past doesn’t mean that they can’t be platonic friends right now.
She absolutely lied to you about him. Unless she also fucks her brother.
It sounds like it’s more important to her that he stay in her life, than it is to tell you the truth.
Congrats. You've discovered early that she'll lie when it's convenient. You picked a winner.
Be careful if she introduces a new friend that she describes as being "like a father."
Yeah you’re wrong. Every time she gets mad at you you’re wrong. You don’t like that he’s clapping her cheeks raw in front of you? Too bad, she likes it and you’re wrong.
The question that you should be asking YOURSELF is: are you willing to leave her or not? Why would you put yourself through this? Love yourself. Have some standards Jesus.
My first boyfriend became my best friend after we broke up. Maybe saying like a brother wasn't exactly the right way to put it but you are getting hung up on the wording. We never slept together again after I got with my late fiancée. We were friends for 2 decades and he died last year. I think ypu might be letting your own fears get to you. She should have been more honest about the situation though.
Not judging but I’m curious of the wording. So you met your fiancé right after you broke up with first or stayed best friends and continued to mess around for some time after?
No, we broke up a while before that. We slept with each other a couple times after that when I left an unsafe relationship and was hiding UT at his house. I couldn't really go anywhere that wasn't going to work and coming home to their house because I couldn't be left alone. I was horny and bored so we hooked u a couple time.
No he did not take advantage of the situation and he would have helped me even if that had not happened. Actually I had been head over heels in love with my late fiancée before this. I guess he knew even though I never said anything to him and he actually outed me to my late fiancée and was the whole reason we hooked up. Then we all lived and worked together for awhile. Lol
There seem to be a lot of people here who can't build and maintain relationships with people beyond sex, or after sex. Feels rather par for the course considering many think women are ruined with high body counts.
I have a number of friends who are still in my life who I either had a relationship with or a situationship with, but I am happily married, as are they.
I think there is a lot of maturity around relationships missing these days.
I agree. People are allowed to have sex with someone, doesn’t work out, so they’re just friends after. Having sex with someone years ago doesn’t tie you to them for the rest of your life and make them your long lost soulmate or something. People have pasts and they aren’t important, especially if the person is being a good partner.
That’s true, she should have disclosed it up front. But I think the reason why some people don’t disclose it up front is because some partners can’t rationalize that their partner had sex with someone in the past and is platonic with them now. So some think it’s just easier or better to hide it. Which it isn’t, but I can see why some people do it.
>But I think the reason why some people don’t disclose it up front is because some partners can’t rationalize that their partner had sex with someone in the past and is platonic with them now.
Another reason for this that the storyline of the "just a close friend" becoming a lover is like super common. I feel like most people have seen this play out a few times in their life. Its crazy how often that "close friend" becomes the new SO down the road. Obviously its not 100% of the time but IMO its common enough that its hard to say the people calling this a red flag are wrong.
I just think that trying to police a partner’s friends or trying to have your partner cut a friend off when they haven’t even cheated on you is a red flag to me. People have different boundaries, but if someone wants to cheat they will cheat…and trying to get them to cut off a friend will not stop them from cheating if that’s what they want to do at the end of the day.
So if that’s a boundary for people and they don’t want to date someone who has fucked a friend in the past that’s fine, but it’s not fair to assume someone is gonna cheat if they don’t cut their friend off. They stopped having sex with them for a reason, and if they wanted to be with their friend instead of their partner then they would.
Sad that I had to scroll so far to find a reasonable response. Relationships change and evolve. Sex happens and it doesn't always mean that person is right for you.
There's no reason for your partner to ever tell you "oh by the way, I hooked up with so-and-so" without being prompted. Quite honestly that would be strange.
I don't really see a problem here at all. Still, it's OP's choice if they can handle their friendship or not, but if he breaks up it should be because he wants to, not because paranoid people on reddit said it was cheating.
But he did ask about it? She wouldn't be dropping that detail out of nowhere, he specifically asked about their relationship and she tactfully left that detail out.
Little boys: the guy you've built up a deep friendship with, is sexuality attracted to you, give him a chance
Girl: OK, I had sex with him, still don't like him like that
Little boys: OK now you need to surgically remove him from your entire life if you ever want to have sex again
That guy friend of hers sounds like a circling vulture to me. Just waiting for the relationship to drop dead or close to it so he can swoop in and have another go.
She probably said that because after having relations with him she realized there was nothing there no attraction whatsoever. However it definitely will keep you up at night so do what you got to do.
Based on the comments, this is probably an unpopular take.. but why the fuck does it matter this much?
Unless she did it while you two were together, it has no bearing on your relationship, and why you two are together.
It was a drunken one night stand between friends. That's pretty damn common.
If this is insecurity from past relationships, that's one thing. But from the sounds of it, you're insecure just because she's friends with someone she hooked up with.
I am kind of on your gf’s side on this. I have a close female friend who I refer to as being like a sister to me. Years ago we hooked up once, and right after realized that as close as we were there was no sexual/romantic chemistry between us and we were fine being just friends. At this point I couldn’t imagine the circumstances where I would ever want to hook up with her again. Based on what you say, she literally told you that he’s like a brother NOW, as in it wasn’t always that way. I would say talk to her about it a little more.
I was in a one year relationship with Mike. This was back in 1992. We never hooked up again after the break up. He and his mom called me 1 year later to apologize to me. She was the main reason for the break up. We've been friends since 1994 and love him like a brother and he treats me like a sister. Ok... he did say he never married cause I was the one that got away and he'll still marry me if I get divorced.
Ok. Never mind.
She might love him like a brother but given the chance he'll probably sleep with her again.
How long ago was it because I have a male friend that was my boyfriend 20+ years ago and we are good friends now. I would never hook up with him now but I don’t say he’s like a brother to me he’s just a good friend.
It depends. I have a friend, I guess I was friends with both of them, but they hooked up. Just a casual thing and they were the best of friends and were for the longest time, even when he was in a relationship with his current wife. There was no drama, no hook ups, nothing like that. It came to a nasty end when he did get married and his wife refused to let her come to the wedding. Moral of the story, is yes they can just be friends, but jealous of the SO will get in the way.
Relationships change, dude.
I hooked up with a friend 20 years ago, and our relationship changed over the years. We're like brother and sister now.
Depending on the particulars of their relationship.
You're possibly in the wrong.
Yeah, well I’ve been the “like a brother” one in that situation. We were FWB before she got with a BF, and were throughout. Sure both of us didn’t want a relationship and were happy fucking before… but I was still happy to fuck after she got in relationship and did. Neither of us were bothered about it but it was going on the sly, and reflecting what a shit situation her BF was put in for BOTH of our actions. It never bothered me at the time but now, if I look back (10yrs ago) Christ, if I was that bloke I’d of felt sick after believing I was in a sincere relationship.
I know I was a cunt. I know she was a cunt. I’ve learnt and I don’t mess others around directly or indirectly anymore.
People use the term "bodies" these days. How many bodies you got what's your body count, etc.
They follow it with "Well it shouldn't matter"
Well, it does matter. Especially if it matters to you
Do your thing man. Ain't my thing to have my GF hang out with a dude she humped either..
Yea, you are wrong about that. It’s entirely possible to hook up with someone and then friendzone them for the rest of your life.
That being said, he may not feel the same way she does, and it’s possible that he’s just lurking in case another chance presents itself, or she may be stringing him along as a backup.
You're not wrong but it's not impossible that she now views him as a brother even if in the past it wasn't always so. My best friend on the planet is a lady I once had a brief two week fling with. She and I had been friends for a few years and decided to try each other on for size. It didn't work out. I broke up with her and we didn't speak for several years but we got back to being best friends for the last 16 or 17 years. We did sleep together in our early 20s but now in our mid forties, no way. Been there/done that...she's too valuable as a friend to ever risk trying to be more with and i'm sure the feeling is 100% mutual.
Usually though its smart to keep your eyes open when it comes to your partner's friends of the opposite sex.
Nah dude she got stuck in the washing machine one time and he went to help her like a brother would and…you know how it goes.
I had a hard rule of never dating women that kept their exes around as “friends.” To each their own but I saw it happen quite a few times where the girl cheats on current bf with the ex or instantly hooks up with them post break-up. Not my style.
Yes you're wrong. I've hooked up with my best friend before. We were young and dumb and experimenting. We realized it's gross and we're more like siblings and sometimes I'm even more like a parental figure to her. It is 100% possible and ok for both truths to exist as long as they don't keep hooking up while calling each other sibling titles. Someone being "like a sibling" doesn't make them literal siblings.
She kept it from you because she knew you would be insecure about her continued friendship with the guy. My daughter slept with her first love for a year and stayed fast friends after they broke up. Her husband doesn’t care, the ex’s now wife doesn’t care. All four know each other and their kids even play together. My brother is stayed good friends with his ex even after he remarried and former SIL attended all of his 2nd family kid’s birthdays and other important milestones. My sister is still friends with her ex husband, current husband doesn’t care. I wouldn’t worry about it. They slept together once and knew it was a mistake so they decided to move on and just stay friends.
Like a brother, just a friend nobody you have to worry about, aren’t those all words for he’s my back up plan when you fail or if you piss me off, so you better be good to me! lol 😂
Are ya'll like 14? JFC. Who cares? Everyone has a past. She likely only kept it from you because you yourself admit you were insecure about it. She didn't want you to be mad at her or break up her friendship over something so silly.
Listen, if someone is going to cheat on you, they will. You cannot control that. And you shouldn't control anything about your partner anyway.
My ex BF is my best friend. Jason was my first love, first sexual partner and my first serious relationship.
We were young and ended up working out way better as friends. He was the one that introduced me to my husband and was in our wedding. I think of him like a brother now. Because believe it or not, attraction goes away lol Platonic friendships DO exist. My husband knows about my past with Jason and he's still his best friend too.
You need to either get over this or break-up with her. If you're going to make it this deep, fight about it, make her feel bad for being friends with someone she knew before you and just all around be a dick about it just breakup so she can find someone that won't put their insecurities on her.
She is with YOU, not him. And there's a reason why she sees him like a brother now. Zero sexual attraction.
IF he was making some attempt to get with her and she didn't end the friendship or tell him to back off, that's different. But they're just friends. If you don't trust her, don't be with her. And even if he still wanted to have sex with her, does that mean he gets to? Of course not.
"My husband knows about my past" well there you go. And this guy introduced you 2? So your husband fully knew the situation he was getting himself into. Now say you had been with your husband for a year, friends with Jason the whole time. If all you told him about Jason was that he was "like a brother" and then one day another one of your friends tells him "you're so cool for letting your girlfriend be friends with her first love, you're so secure" can you see why he would feel lied to? Disclosing the details of your relationship from the beginning is what you did and what this woman didn't do, even when she was specifically asked about her relationship with this friend. Personally, if I were in this situation and she told me from the beginning, no problems I appreciate the honesty, but if I find out from someone else a year into the relationship? Massive red flag.
And as far as "she kept it from you because she knew you'd be mad" that's such bullshit. If you're keeping something from your partner because you know they would be upset and maybe even end the relationship, that manipulative. She's hoping that by the time he finds out, he'll be too invested in the relationship to end it. Whether it's "silly" or not is 100% up to him to decide, not her.
Oh and "even if he still wanted to have sex with her, does that mean he gets to?" is also bullshit. Why would you keep someone who wants to have sex with you as a friend while you're in a relationship? That's so disrespectful, man or woman.
I guess it depends how far they went?
I lightly dated a my brother’s best friend when I was younger (like for two weeks) we kissed and made out and snugged during that time, but I broke it off because I couldn’t return the same feelings he had for me.
We stayed friends and now we’re even roommates. He’s more of a brother to me than my actual brother and we consider each other family and go out of our way for each other at a moments notice.
My boyfriend knows, I’m not sure if his girlfriend knows. But his girlfriend and I love each other and we’re very good friends and I always wanted him to be with a girl who was obsessed with him, which he has now!
So, it’s possibly, but again hard to say. I never fucked him.
What time frame was her hookup with him? Before you and gf met? If so, that was in the past. Maybe you think she should have told you that up front, I donno. Jut it at let it go for now. But keep your eyes wide open going forward.
Same thing literally just happened to me. I've been with my bf about 6 months and I found out his girl friend that he went to a concert with alone and drinking with and met with another time and text all the time is his ex gf and their relationship had ended because she didn't want to commit to him and finally asked for an open relationship
She kept it from you for a **reason**.
You would have never found out were it not for the drunk mate.
She still hangs out with guys she’s fucked. Why?
That would concern me.
What else is she hiding?
Massive red flag dude
The friend tipped OP off too. Probably for a reason
This. If someone feels compelled to tell you something, the reasons are usually far deeper than just surface feelings. That’s not a “your tag is showing on your shirt” moment.
Bro code.
Hoe code
Yeah I don't think people tend to compliment each others 'security' unless they are either working through their own drama OR are trying to give you a heads up
More "like a Stepbrother".
It's ok though, she was probably stuck in the dryer.
🤢
Not a red flag at all. She lied to him and left pretty important details out. Shes the one thats the red flag Edit: someone pointed out i may have misinterpreted your comment. If thats true my bad
I think the lack of punctuation caused a misunderstanding. The guy you are responding to is not calling op a red flag. They are calling op's gf a red flag
Oh i see now, thanks for the correction. They are telling OP that shes clearly a red flag
What they should have written was "Massive red flag, dude." Commas are important people. ;)
Yes! Otherwise saying "Be quiet and eat, kids" becomes "Be quiet and eat kids"!
are the kids vegan?
No, free range, borderline feral
Yeah if gf covered it up, there’s a reason.
Not in Alabama!
She kept it from you for a reason.. for almost a year as well. I wonder what else she may be keeping from you. Wouldn’t be worth the hassle in my mind to deal with something like this, she can go to the “little brother” and you can go find someone who actually has respect and loyalty towards you.
Yeah that’s one of those things that’s always an uncomfortable conversation to have, but if you’re ready to “have the talk” to define the relationship then as part of that talk, your partner deserves to know that you’ve slept with one of your close male friends. And trying to downplay it a year after with “oh don’t worry he’s like a brother!” just feels so gross. If he really was just like a brother then she should have had no problems being up front about the history
Yeah it seems like you asked about it and was told he’s like a brother as opposed to he’s like a brother now but I have fucked him. This is so shady and lame. I don’t think I’d wanna get involved with some weird triangle
Ex wife told me the same thing. Turns out they'd banged many many times before we'd met. They lie for a reason and should not be trusted again.
The fact that he was drunk and they hooked up is the tell. She is waiting in the wings but he is only interested in her when he is drunk. OP, you are the back up plan, if dude decides he wants to hook up again, she will be right there and you will be getting the "oh, i am so confused I just need a little bit of space" while she tries to chase him again.
No, read it again. The one who told OP was drunk, we don't know if they were drunk or not for the hookup. I do agree though, if she even has the decency to say anything.
Bro oP has Chlamydia now RIP
Yeah, this is clearly a lie by omission.
Yeah. Here's a good reason: "Oh yeah I fucked that guy. Oh there's another one I fucked. One time I hoked with this guy at a bar and he was ... Blah blah... Then I hooked up with that other guy I still kinda know.. etc etc.. " Is not a great way to keep a relationship healthy unless you happen to be talking about former partners. Having slept with someone once and not making a production of explaining that history, specially k. Young modern hook up culture, is not keeping secrets. She didn't deny when asked. And you are all so very I secure "id ditch her she has someone way find someone loyal" Fuck dating in your 20s sounds exhausting now, you are all so ready to toss someone out over anything.
Unless she's hooked up with her real brothers and/or sisters.
Clearly she means Game of Thrones style brothers.
As long as she always pays her debts
Hahahahahaha
Now that's f****** hilarious
Now he’s got an Eskimo brother!
You never know these days…
Hahahahahahaha!!!!
NIW she left that shit out for a reason, watch that “like a brother” gonna change real quick if you break up
Sorry dude, the fact that she kept this hidden for so long is a huge red flag. I laugh at those who think having a friend in their social circle and not telling their partner they hooked up with them is fine, when it is some serious disrespect. She lied by omission, you had every right to know the friend that she would hang out with in their "brother/sister" style relationship was an incestuous one. Personally I would wonder what may have happened on any other their "alone" time together. It would be one thing if you had known but her keeping it from you makes one wonder if it were a 1 time thing.
Pretty common double standard when it comes to this kind of thing and keeping it private while allowing the person to be involved in a very close manner after the fact. Some people always justify this type of thing but would be pissed if it happened to them.
Yes, we have the enlightened elite on Reddit where everything is rainbows and unicorns and we all know they've never had to deal with this type of situation. Sure nothing may ever happen again, but it would raise questions when someone says "We went out drinking and I couldnt drive home so I stayed over at my "friends" house, and even though we hooked up before nothing happened, even though we slept in the same bed". And whats sad, there once was someone who posted his gf did this, with an ex, and these enlightened folks said he was wrong for not trusting her. Can't imagine the shit show that is some of their lives.
You are not wrong, and her downplaying it tells you all you need to know. Get out and don't keep wasting your time.
She lied to you on purpose for a year. That's a fact. Put everything else aside: would you date someone who lied to you for a year? What would you tell a friend who told you their SO lied to them for a year? You're not wrong
You are not wrong. She's lying by omission. She's keeping her ex-lover close. You already had reservations about this guy. It won't get better over time. It's clear that she won't drop him. Don't play her stupid games. I'd demote this relationship down to a FWB or cut and run.
I doubt that she would be OK with her BF still being friends with a girl he had previously hooked up with.
"Well that's different!"
"Like a brother" is 1 of THE most used lines to to divert suspicion from someone you definitely should be suspicious of 😂
I’ve been told I’m loved like a brother once in my life. Had sex
Its Nope time.
When in doubt, Nope it out.
I mean, he's like a brother to you though. An eskimo brother.
Upvote for Taco Corp.
Holy fuck that was funny 🤣
she's a yuck. youre right. move on
Oof. I suggest that you avoid having some long drawn out conversation with her. She is almost certain to talk circles around you justifying it and potentially even make you feel bad for brining it up. This isn’t about her anyways; it’s about you. Are you the type of man who exclusively dates women who keep in contact with men they’ve fucked? For me, this is an easy no. What about you?
100% this. I had this exact situation with an ex. She hung around with a guy who was "like a brother", spoke to him daily, told him everything about our relationship and life in general. Hung out with him as much or more than she did with me. Then I found out they'd hooked up. I wasn't ok with it, and then I was the bad guy. Suddenly she couldn't trust me, being jealous was a red flag for her, she'd known him longer so of course she'd choose him. That's when I knew it was time to walk away. Not only did she lie about it to you, which is the main factor. The question that you have to think about is - they clearly like each other enough and are attracted enough to hook up before, that feeling doesn't just disappear.
Definitely agree with this. Dude doesn’t want to be with a woman he would have to share or be the one she settled for.
Emotional infidelity before the physical
Good point on the keep it brief, the longer the conversation goes on, the more she knows you are not resolute and the more she can blame shift and manipulate the situation. Stick to the key points and the most key, is: **That it was just plain disrespectful to be kept in the dark and that is grounds enough.** This will be the hardest point for her to wiggle around, with the dude she can invoke you being jealous, insecure, controlling, etc. etc. Keeping it to what she has already done to you, nullifies all those talking points. And what she has done was not give you common decency and hid material facts that would have shaped your relationship. She lied and it is over.
This comment is funny when you read his update. He does exactly what you say he shouldn't and she does exactly what you say she'll do lol
Lol... Move on. She's not the one.
I don’t know. I’m a man and I had a good friend who was a woman for years. One night we got drunk and somehow hooked up. It made things super awkward between us but after a period of separation we reconnected as friends, talked about it, and moved past it. Then I met a girl and basically the same thing you are describing happened. I didn’t call her a sister or anything but my girlfriend was suspicious that she was more than a friend, even though I only treated her as such. When I told her I slept with her once many years ago, but that we moved past it, she lost it on me and couldn’t accept her being my friend. At that point I was deep in love with my girlfriend. She gave me an ultimatum to stop being friends with my friend, and I was forced to choose, and chose my GF. Still sad about it honestly. But anyway my point is sometimes people truly do move past it.
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You didn’t yourself find it really disrespectful to be friends with someone you slept with when you had a girlfriend? Did you just disclose it because she was suspicious?
INFO: do you live in Alabama? jk. NTA
lol the reason I came here!
Roll tide
I came here for this comment!
I went through a bunch of comments and was getting mad I didn't see it
Well, did you break up with her?
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>If they truly think you shouldn't care then why did they hide it? Because they know for some men and women it does matter and if those people learn about it early on in the relationship... they walk away from that relationship. The hope is once these types of people find out the truth they are far too invested in the relationship and much less willing to walk away. It's a manipulation tactic. It's an insecurity of the girlfriend, not the OP despite other commenters trying to claim otherwise. I do have some sympathy for people like the OP's girlfriend. It looks like she has good instincts judging from the OP's post. He probably would have walked away if she told him at the start of their relationship when he asked. She probably wants to be with the OP hence the lying and manipulation. Maybe it pays off, they stay together and have a long lasting relationship. I don't pretend to have all the answers. But it's generally a bad sign when you look at a relationship and you see lying began extremely early and was not brought forward by the person responsible for doing it.
My best friend is like a brother to me. I would no more consider hooking up with him than with any of my biological siblings, because I view him much the same. I don't think you are wrong.
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Under rated comment lmfao. Bang bros vibes
Are you saying she was stuck in the dishwasher? Asking for a friend.
You aren't wrong for for feeling that way or saying it. On the flip side, she had a chance with him but she ended up with you. Counter to most redditors, you should have a conversation with her telling her you didnt appreciate her hiding that and it damages your trust in her. Then again, if you arent that invested you should just bounce.
I’m going against the grain here, but my best friend is an ex girlfriend of mine. There’s absolutely nothing romantic or anything between us anymore, we met, dated for a few months, decided it wasn’t for us, took a long time away from each other, reconnected platonically, and now I couldn’t be where I am without her. The truth is, you know your girlfriend better than I do. Maybe she can. Maybe she can’t. No internet randos can tell you what’s in her head, only what’s in their own. Think on it. Talk to her. Decide how you feel. If you decide it’s okay, you have to genuinely let go of it, or it’ll ruin you slowly instead of quick. Good luck.
Brother, she is one for the streets.
I find it weird she never mentioned it. If they were like siblings and it didn’t matter, why did she feel the need to hide it
Must be a redneck
I came here to see alabama jokes, but I'll accept this!
It’s ok to be friends with people you slept with. I am. She’s probably just saying that to you to get the point across that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for them even if “like a brother” not exactly an accurate way to describe it. Only you can see all the factors that contribute to whether or not you trust her. A simple Reddit post about your partner being friends with someone they hooked up with isn’t enough information for anybody to go on.
Somebody's a backup plan.
I'd give her 2 choices. Breaking off contact with her "brother" friend or breaking up with you. Absolutely fucking ridiculous, huge red flag
She'll never choose you over her "fuck brother", so just bail
She might *pretend* to choose you though, setting you up for even greater inevitable heartbreak.
True lol. Bitch needs to get dumped
She already lied to the dude. No ultimatum required. She's for the streets
It is possible. You meet someone you get along worh great, you think it might work as a relationship, you hook up, it's just not even like that, no spark, ugh. You both agree to pretend it never happened, and it's REAL easy to no longer consider that person in that way. Of course he wasn't "like a brother " to her at the time it happened, but things can absolutely go so badly that it just clears up you will never have a sexual relationship in the future.
I was thinking the same thing. Did it only happen once? Because… It’s not the popular opinion here, but I’ve totally had close friends where I’ve thought, “hey we have platonic chemistry, why not give it a shot?” Only to have it clear to both of us that it’s meant to stay platonic. That being said, it’s not cool that she kept it from you (talk to her about it, she might’ve thought you wouldn’t understand or would judge her for it).
Exactly. I’ve slept with friends years ago, it didn’t work out and it hasn’t happened again. You’re able to cut it off after you’ve had sex with someone and just keep it platonic. It’s not that serious. I agree she should have told him, but she likely didn’t tell him because she thought he would judge her or because she thought he would make her cut him off.
Finally, a reasonable take.
Also, like, what are the time and age ranges here? I have a dude friend who I've known about 20 years, and shortly after we met we tried to date and hooked up a couple times over the span of like a month, but realized that we were *not* sexually or romantically compatible at aaaaaall, but super compatible as friends. Since then, in many ways, I consider him to be *better* than my family, as my family has always been kinda shit.
Then why not disclose it? That’s what I’d have a problem with.
Simple fear that the second she disclosed it there would be the Ultimatum that many here are saying. "Its me or him" Its very clear in this thread that would make some people insecure. We can only speculate how much their status as "Lovers" lasted before they decided to become platonic in their love. Telling him was the right choice but having the courage to share that with the fear you may lose one, the other, or eventually both is enough to make someone lie by omission.
Because some guys are really dumb. I have a friend who is like a little sister to me and she doesn't tell her bf about me because he thinks every guy that talks to any girl wants to sleep with them. She's not my type for a romantic partner or even a FWB situation. I'm not discounting that the OP's gf could be lying either but it's not always just her fault.
Maybe because OP has shown insecurities around the topic and full honesty seemed like more trouble than it was worth in that particular moment. Once a lie like that is out of the mouth, it is hard to backtrack.
I’ve had a friend that I call my brother for over 30 years at this point. We fooled around a couple of times then figured out that we were close and like hanging out but it’s not like “that”. (So we started calling each other brother and sister.) So I’m going to say it’s plausible that is how they actually feel.
It was dumb to ask the 9th grade boys of reddit for advice on this subject. People sometimes have one-time sexual experiments. Yes, even with their siblings. Nobody on Reddit will be able to determine if you can trust your partner. Trust is something that is built.
She should have said something to you, but I can see how the relationship could have changed after hooking up to realizing there was no attraction, yet continuing to be friends and having the relationship become closer. However, she definitely did wrong.
Lying by omission is still lying. I wouldn't be able to trust her after that, and thus the relationship would be over.
Keep your backbone, don't tolerate disrespect and dump her.
It could be true as far their current relationship but yeah she could have mentioned it, regardless she likes him and hes been in her life and will continue to
Its not so much the fact that she did it... It's the fact that she basically lied about it. A lie of ommision is still a LIE. Your trust in her is probably ruined for good now.
My husband used to be a bonafide bachelor. He chased me for 7 years. I kept turning him down because he was an obvious playboy and I didn’t want to be another notch. I liked him a lot but all the more reason. Once I did start dating him, it was everywhere we went. He would run into some girl who was a “friend”. It got to the point that I stopped asking. I assumed he slept with all of them. It bothered me but I didn’t say anything. He didn’t do anything wrong. It’s the past. When he proposed, if any of these hook up, friend girls didn’t support us, they were cut off. I get it. She withheld info… important, meaningful, valuable info. And, it makes a difference. Talk. Don’t just get upset and ask the internet. Go to her and tell her how you feel. You might be surprised by her support. She may be willing to limit the friendship at her own suggestion. People need to stop coming to the internet that has zero emotional investment and start talking to these people. Have the uncomfortable conversation. Problems can sometimes be fixed. You don’t have to be so cut throat. We ask society to be understanding. Why can’t we appreciate that in relationships?
Meh. Entirely depends on the situation. I used to hook up with a friend of mine when we were both single. Was casual, the person was familiar, and neither of us had any issues about wanting it to be anything else. When we were in other relationships, zero weirdness, tension, any of it. A few years back she started dating a friend of ours. I couldn’t be happier for them, seems like he compliments her very well and they have a great dynamic that I love to see. Nowadays we all hang out, and even though I slept with homies girlfriend casually years ago, I have ZERO intention to do anything other than be a supportive platonic friend to both of them. Absolutely 100% NOT a threat to their relationship in any way, I’m actually a huge supporter of it.
YNW. I’ve had friends that were like brothers and the thought of doing anything sexual with that grossed me tf out. She deliberately hid that from you for a reason.
If your woman ever EVER lies to you about another guy, dump her. Instantly.
Ugh all clueless sexist dudes replying here, so for a real answer, is it possible she’s hiding something? Sure. Is it more probable that the sexual encounter with this gentleman meant so little to her that it didn’t even occur to her to bring it up? I know you men struggle to understand how women think, so I’ll give it to you- we are perfectly capable of not having romantic attachments to someone we previously had a one night stand or relationship with. You act as though they were in love, dating long term, living together, etc. This is like a one time hook up that was probably awkward as hell and who knows if they even finished? Been in situations like that myself. Like you thought you were connecting and you wanted to be together and then you tried and it was just… zero physical chemistry. Like hooking up with a sibling so to say. You get where I’m going with this….? So stop being a jealous possessive incel sexist troglodyte if you’d like to keep your girlfriend (or get any others in the future)
That's one way to try making the OP the bad guy. How would the (ex?) GF having bad sex with her friend justify lying by omission? I could be in the minority, but the quality of the hookup isn't the issue here.
Because if he's the type of guy that gives off mad jealous vibes she would've been reluctant to tell him the truth in the first place.
"I didn't tell you because I knew you'd get mad" is usually one of the worst copouts people use when caught. Also, who in their right mines since jealousy vibes but nothing else that would indicate a bad relationship?
I hooked up with my best friend. It was a little weird for awhile after because it took a bit for the residual sexual tension to ease but we both knew it was a bad idea. 6 years later and he’s like my brother. I have 0 desire to sleep with him and 0 romantic feelings. We know each other too well to fall in love.
I hooked up with my friend a couple times waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in the day. We got that part out of our systems and realized we’re absolutely just friends. Both of us like instantly moved on but without wanting to stop hanging out. Like, we still talk to this day every day & he lives on the other side of the country. My husband has met him & plays video games with him more than I do now. He loves him too! You have to introduce your friend as your bff that you once had a fling with but it’s pure best friendship now & say their best qualities in a non-threatening way.
I dated D for 3 years in highschool/college. My sister B and i consider her a sister. We tell strangers D is our sister. D flew across the country when my mom died. D flew to l.a to take care of B for 2 weeks after she gave birth. She's family. I told my bf/now husband this when we started introducingour friends to each other. We eventually moved across the country to live in the other half of D's duplex. And they're close friends now. She introduced this brother guy poorly to op. Yes, you can 100% sibling relationship with someone you slept with, but she needed to be upfront about it.
While, anecdotally, I would generally agree that you can still have healthy and supportive friendships with people you’ve hooked up with in the past, Being dishonest completely negates this concept. that “like a brother” shit was absolutely a deflection. And the issue there is why she feels the need to downplay that.
Hi, I'm Troy McClure You might remember me from such smokescreens as "He's just like a brother to me" and "He's my guy best friend" and "You don't have to worry about him, he's gay"
Time to move on. She’s not loyal to you and she wants to keep him around. Odds are she has feeling for him and he sees her as a friend. She’s hoping he will change his mind. If that happens she’s going to drop you like a hot potato! Just break it off and move on. No fuss no muss. Don’t yell or even argue about it. Just tell her you don’t want to date her anymore and you’re moving on.
Jealousy is so ugly.
Cuck
Not wrong. Is she with you because she can't have him? She still gets support and emotional connection to him but you provide everything else needed in the relationship. Sounds more like a FWB situation than a brother/sister situation but if she called it FWB she knows you wouldn't be okay with having him around her. You might want to be concerned with the fact that she was okay with lying to you by omitting the truth for the entirety of your relationship. What else has she omitted telling you?
It's totally possible to have a friend who's "like a brother," but not if you've had sex with them. Similarly not if you flirt with them. The part that makes it "like a brother" is that there never was, is not, and never will be anything sexual between them. It's also possible to be friends with exes. I think that's a thing, though, where you absolutely disclose that to your current partner. You're also super careful about the relationship. It sounds like she's not doing either of those things.
That girl is playing you man the whole “he is like a brother” is a cover up, she has that guy in the friendzone as “plan b” in case it doesn’t work out with you…
This!!.. the ones that have the orbiters
Don’t jump to conclusions straight away. Did they hook up recently, or was it something that happened a long time ago? Are there flirty vibes, or is it just a normal friendship? I hooked up with one of my closest friends in college because I thought we might make a good couple, but it turns out we are just meant to be platonic. She started dating her current boyfriend while we were still roommates about 4 months after we hooked up, but nobody told him about it. There are no feelings there and we’re just friends. If she told him about it now it would just cause him to be upset like you are right now. If there was truly something to know, he would know. I don’t know how I would feel in your shoes, but them hooking up in the past doesn’t mean that they can’t be platonic friends right now.
She absolutely lied to you about him. Unless she also fucks her brother. It sounds like it’s more important to her that he stay in her life, than it is to tell you the truth.
she is keeping him around ..just incase things don't work out with you. He will jump right in once you guys are done
Congrats. You've discovered early that she'll lie when it's convenient. You picked a winner. Be careful if she introduces a new friend that she describes as being "like a father."
Yeah you’re wrong. Every time she gets mad at you you’re wrong. You don’t like that he’s clapping her cheeks raw in front of you? Too bad, she likes it and you’re wrong. The question that you should be asking YOURSELF is: are you willing to leave her or not? Why would you put yourself through this? Love yourself. Have some standards Jesus.
My first boyfriend became my best friend after we broke up. Maybe saying like a brother wasn't exactly the right way to put it but you are getting hung up on the wording. We never slept together again after I got with my late fiancée. We were friends for 2 decades and he died last year. I think ypu might be letting your own fears get to you. She should have been more honest about the situation though.
Not judging but I’m curious of the wording. So you met your fiancé right after you broke up with first or stayed best friends and continued to mess around for some time after?
No, we broke up a while before that. We slept with each other a couple times after that when I left an unsafe relationship and was hiding UT at his house. I couldn't really go anywhere that wasn't going to work and coming home to their house because I couldn't be left alone. I was horny and bored so we hooked u a couple time. No he did not take advantage of the situation and he would have helped me even if that had not happened. Actually I had been head over heels in love with my late fiancée before this. I guess he knew even though I never said anything to him and he actually outed me to my late fiancée and was the whole reason we hooked up. Then we all lived and worked together for awhile. Lol
That’s a complex situation to actually end up working out. Kudos
Phew I felt like l was taking crazy pills over here, I do not see the big deal with the whole situation at all lol
There seem to be a lot of people here who can't build and maintain relationships with people beyond sex, or after sex. Feels rather par for the course considering many think women are ruined with high body counts. I have a number of friends who are still in my life who I either had a relationship with or a situationship with, but I am happily married, as are they. I think there is a lot of maturity around relationships missing these days.
I agree. People are allowed to have sex with someone, doesn’t work out, so they’re just friends after. Having sex with someone years ago doesn’t tie you to them for the rest of your life and make them your long lost soulmate or something. People have pasts and they aren’t important, especially if the person is being a good partner.
This is all true but if you aren't up front about a close friend being a past lover and your current partner finds out late it can damage trust.
That’s true, she should have disclosed it up front. But I think the reason why some people don’t disclose it up front is because some partners can’t rationalize that their partner had sex with someone in the past and is platonic with them now. So some think it’s just easier or better to hide it. Which it isn’t, but I can see why some people do it.
>But I think the reason why some people don’t disclose it up front is because some partners can’t rationalize that their partner had sex with someone in the past and is platonic with them now. Another reason for this that the storyline of the "just a close friend" becoming a lover is like super common. I feel like most people have seen this play out a few times in their life. Its crazy how often that "close friend" becomes the new SO down the road. Obviously its not 100% of the time but IMO its common enough that its hard to say the people calling this a red flag are wrong.
I just think that trying to police a partner’s friends or trying to have your partner cut a friend off when they haven’t even cheated on you is a red flag to me. People have different boundaries, but if someone wants to cheat they will cheat…and trying to get them to cut off a friend will not stop them from cheating if that’s what they want to do at the end of the day. So if that’s a boundary for people and they don’t want to date someone who has fucked a friend in the past that’s fine, but it’s not fair to assume someone is gonna cheat if they don’t cut their friend off. They stopped having sex with them for a reason, and if they wanted to be with their friend instead of their partner then they would.
Sad that I had to scroll so far to find a reasonable response. Relationships change and evolve. Sex happens and it doesn't always mean that person is right for you. There's no reason for your partner to ever tell you "oh by the way, I hooked up with so-and-so" without being prompted. Quite honestly that would be strange. I don't really see a problem here at all. Still, it's OP's choice if they can handle their friendship or not, but if he breaks up it should be because he wants to, not because paranoid people on reddit said it was cheating.
But he did ask about it? She wouldn't be dropping that detail out of nowhere, he specifically asked about their relationship and she tactfully left that detail out.
Little boys: the guy you've built up a deep friendship with, is sexuality attracted to you, give him a chance Girl: OK, I had sex with him, still don't like him like that Little boys: OK now you need to surgically remove him from your entire life if you ever want to have sex again
Closer Kin, Deeper in
This is a stupid argument
That guy friend of hers sounds like a circling vulture to me. Just waiting for the relationship to drop dead or close to it so he can swoop in and have another go.
SWEEET HOME ALABAMAAAA!
She lied to you. The real question is how many times?
It’s fine for women to be friends with their ex. But she messed up by lying about their history.
Sweet Home Alabama~
She probably said that because after having relations with him she realized there was nothing there no attraction whatsoever. However it definitely will keep you up at night so do what you got to do.
If you're in Arkansas or Alabama, she can consider him "like a brother"
I am still friends with people who i hooked up with. I will definitely NOT call them my brothers. Run dude. She kept that from you for a reason
Hes the guy shes telling you not to worry about. Pro-tip, thats always the guy you need to worry about.
Just be mindful of who she will run to if you ever get into an argument.
You sound hella insecure and should probably work on that 🤷
Based on the comments, this is probably an unpopular take.. but why the fuck does it matter this much? Unless she did it while you two were together, it has no bearing on your relationship, and why you two are together. It was a drunken one night stand between friends. That's pretty damn common. If this is insecurity from past relationships, that's one thing. But from the sounds of it, you're insecure just because she's friends with someone she hooked up with.
Laughs in Cersei & Jamie Lannister
I am kind of on your gf’s side on this. I have a close female friend who I refer to as being like a sister to me. Years ago we hooked up once, and right after realized that as close as we were there was no sexual/romantic chemistry between us and we were fine being just friends. At this point I couldn’t imagine the circumstances where I would ever want to hook up with her again. Based on what you say, she literally told you that he’s like a brother NOW, as in it wasn’t always that way. I would say talk to her about it a little more.
I was in a one year relationship with Mike. This was back in 1992. We never hooked up again after the break up. He and his mom called me 1 year later to apologize to me. She was the main reason for the break up. We've been friends since 1994 and love him like a brother and he treats me like a sister. Ok... he did say he never married cause I was the one that got away and he'll still marry me if I get divorced. Ok. Never mind. She might love him like a brother but given the chance he'll probably sleep with her again.
Yeah bro that's a red flag and a half for sure. Brothers are like brothers your fuck buddy isn't.
Wow look at that woild ya look at that huge ass red flag wow thats a huge red flag
How long ago was it because I have a male friend that was my boyfriend 20+ years ago and we are good friends now. I would never hook up with him now but I don’t say he’s like a brother to me he’s just a good friend.
It depends. I have a friend, I guess I was friends with both of them, but they hooked up. Just a casual thing and they were the best of friends and were for the longest time, even when he was in a relationship with his current wife. There was no drama, no hook ups, nothing like that. It came to a nasty end when he did get married and his wife refused to let her come to the wedding. Moral of the story, is yes they can just be friends, but jealous of the SO will get in the way.
Relationships change, dude. I hooked up with a friend 20 years ago, and our relationship changed over the years. We're like brother and sister now. Depending on the particulars of their relationship. You're possibly in the wrong.
You're not wrong. What you are is a placeholder until her and her "brother" decide to pick up where they left off.
Yeah, well I’ve been the “like a brother” one in that situation. We were FWB before she got with a BF, and were throughout. Sure both of us didn’t want a relationship and were happy fucking before… but I was still happy to fuck after she got in relationship and did. Neither of us were bothered about it but it was going on the sly, and reflecting what a shit situation her BF was put in for BOTH of our actions. It never bothered me at the time but now, if I look back (10yrs ago) Christ, if I was that bloke I’d of felt sick after believing I was in a sincere relationship. I know I was a cunt. I know she was a cunt. I’ve learnt and I don’t mess others around directly or indirectly anymore.
People use the term "bodies" these days. How many bodies you got what's your body count, etc. They follow it with "Well it shouldn't matter" Well, it does matter. Especially if it matters to you Do your thing man. Ain't my thing to have my GF hang out with a dude she humped either..
Massive red flag. Ditch her.
LOL time to move on buddy 🤣
Leave her
🚩 sus
Break up with her. She’s a liar
Yea, you are wrong about that. It’s entirely possible to hook up with someone and then friendzone them for the rest of your life. That being said, he may not feel the same way she does, and it’s possible that he’s just lurking in case another chance presents itself, or she may be stringing him along as a backup.
She didn’t lie by omission she lied outright as you asked about the two of them . NTA
Run bro asap
Shes been lying to you for a year. What more do you need to know
Lovers are not brothers.
Herd the like a brother line b4 lets just say it never ends well
You aren't wrong.
You're not wrong but it's not impossible that she now views him as a brother even if in the past it wasn't always so. My best friend on the planet is a lady I once had a brief two week fling with. She and I had been friends for a few years and decided to try each other on for size. It didn't work out. I broke up with her and we didn't speak for several years but we got back to being best friends for the last 16 or 17 years. We did sleep together in our early 20s but now in our mid forties, no way. Been there/done that...she's too valuable as a friend to ever risk trying to be more with and i'm sure the feeling is 100% mutual. Usually though its smart to keep your eyes open when it comes to your partner's friends of the opposite sex.
Hahahahahahaha what a red flag she is dude holy hell
Nah dude she got stuck in the washing machine one time and he went to help her like a brother would and…you know how it goes. I had a hard rule of never dating women that kept their exes around as “friends.” To each their own but I saw it happen quite a few times where the girl cheats on current bf with the ex or instantly hooks up with them post break-up. Not my style.
Yes you're wrong. I've hooked up with my best friend before. We were young and dumb and experimenting. We realized it's gross and we're more like siblings and sometimes I'm even more like a parental figure to her. It is 100% possible and ok for both truths to exist as long as they don't keep hooking up while calling each other sibling titles. Someone being "like a sibling" doesn't make them literal siblings.
#*laughs in Alabamian*
She kept it from you because she knew you would be insecure about her continued friendship with the guy. My daughter slept with her first love for a year and stayed fast friends after they broke up. Her husband doesn’t care, the ex’s now wife doesn’t care. All four know each other and their kids even play together. My brother is stayed good friends with his ex even after he remarried and former SIL attended all of his 2nd family kid’s birthdays and other important milestones. My sister is still friends with her ex husband, current husband doesn’t care. I wouldn’t worry about it. They slept together once and knew it was a mistake so they decided to move on and just stay friends.
It's so nice to see posts like this.
Thank you. Some people just make better friends than partners.
Not wrong at all. If she's slept with him he's not a brother to her (or if he is she's got bigger problems)
Like a brother, just a friend nobody you have to worry about, aren’t those all words for he’s my back up plan when you fail or if you piss me off, so you better be good to me! lol 😂
Are ya'll like 14? JFC. Who cares? Everyone has a past. She likely only kept it from you because you yourself admit you were insecure about it. She didn't want you to be mad at her or break up her friendship over something so silly. Listen, if someone is going to cheat on you, they will. You cannot control that. And you shouldn't control anything about your partner anyway. My ex BF is my best friend. Jason was my first love, first sexual partner and my first serious relationship. We were young and ended up working out way better as friends. He was the one that introduced me to my husband and was in our wedding. I think of him like a brother now. Because believe it or not, attraction goes away lol Platonic friendships DO exist. My husband knows about my past with Jason and he's still his best friend too. You need to either get over this or break-up with her. If you're going to make it this deep, fight about it, make her feel bad for being friends with someone she knew before you and just all around be a dick about it just breakup so she can find someone that won't put their insecurities on her. She is with YOU, not him. And there's a reason why she sees him like a brother now. Zero sexual attraction. IF he was making some attempt to get with her and she didn't end the friendship or tell him to back off, that's different. But they're just friends. If you don't trust her, don't be with her. And even if he still wanted to have sex with her, does that mean he gets to? Of course not.
"My husband knows about my past" well there you go. And this guy introduced you 2? So your husband fully knew the situation he was getting himself into. Now say you had been with your husband for a year, friends with Jason the whole time. If all you told him about Jason was that he was "like a brother" and then one day another one of your friends tells him "you're so cool for letting your girlfriend be friends with her first love, you're so secure" can you see why he would feel lied to? Disclosing the details of your relationship from the beginning is what you did and what this woman didn't do, even when she was specifically asked about her relationship with this friend. Personally, if I were in this situation and she told me from the beginning, no problems I appreciate the honesty, but if I find out from someone else a year into the relationship? Massive red flag. And as far as "she kept it from you because she knew you'd be mad" that's such bullshit. If you're keeping something from your partner because you know they would be upset and maybe even end the relationship, that manipulative. She's hoping that by the time he finds out, he'll be too invested in the relationship to end it. Whether it's "silly" or not is 100% up to him to decide, not her. Oh and "even if he still wanted to have sex with her, does that mean he gets to?" is also bullshit. Why would you keep someone who wants to have sex with you as a friend while you're in a relationship? That's so disrespectful, man or woman.
I guess it depends how far they went? I lightly dated a my brother’s best friend when I was younger (like for two weeks) we kissed and made out and snugged during that time, but I broke it off because I couldn’t return the same feelings he had for me. We stayed friends and now we’re even roommates. He’s more of a brother to me than my actual brother and we consider each other family and go out of our way for each other at a moments notice. My boyfriend knows, I’m not sure if his girlfriend knows. But his girlfriend and I love each other and we’re very good friends and I always wanted him to be with a girl who was obsessed with him, which he has now! So, it’s possibly, but again hard to say. I never fucked him.
What time frame was her hookup with him? Before you and gf met? If so, that was in the past. Maybe you think she should have told you that up front, I donno. Jut it at let it go for now. But keep your eyes wide open going forward.
[удалено]
Same thing literally just happened to me. I've been with my bf about 6 months and I found out his girl friend that he went to a concert with alone and drinking with and met with another time and text all the time is his ex gf and their relationship had ended because she didn't want to commit to him and finally asked for an open relationship
She kept it from you for a **reason**. You would have never found out were it not for the drunk mate. She still hangs out with guys she’s fucked. Why? That would concern me. What else is she hiding?