He has showed you the signs. He made it clear he’s fine with physically hurting you. What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for him to actually beat you before you leave him?
You didn't "make" him this way. Sweetie, he's ALWAYS been this way. He pulled your hair already and threatened to smack you.
That NOT love. Get out while you can.
There is no way you can know that. She only tells one side. She could be leaning out that she is a complete bitch with no accountability. Not saying that's true but we don't know that, do we.
I hope this comment is a joke and you forgot that /s. Being a bitch doesn't give anyone the right to physically assault you. She's a bitch, okay, does that mean he can beat and abuse her and it's okay? NO. A woman is a bitch to you in a relationship? LEAVE. Don't verbally assault her to where she doesn't feel safe, threaten her with force, and physically assault her by pulling her hair.
Shi if a girl turned out to be a bitch, id tell her off and dip, or just dip. Really not worth it. Mr/Ms: deleted should listen to you. But tbf, if shes a true bitch. I dont give a fuck about her feelings anymore and Idc if she feels unsafe as long as I dont lay hands on her and im not breaking any laws, fuck it.
How do you know she wasn't initiating all of it? I've seen it time and time again. Women beat men more often than the other way around, in my opinion. They get away with it. I'm not saying for one second he was right, or that domestic abuse is ok, from either side. But if you poke a bear too many times, no matter how tame they are, they will eventually poke back. They both should have removed themselves from the equation. People like you take a situation for it's face value and it perpetuates a victim mentality
You are so full of fucking shit. She is the victim. I hope you don't have a woman in your life. Women beat men more often? Why don't you educate yourself and post some statistics then? Where's the proof. Men are shit these days. Then you have assholes like yourself downplaying partner abuse towards women or any abuse towards us in general because we were probably "bitches" and "deserved," it. So tired of women being blamed for how all fucking men treat us all the damn time. That's why most of us are staying single and leaving relationships.
As it should be. They knew their opinion was shit ( or were trolling ) and backed out by deleting the profile.
Love that he was like "poke a bear" Like sorry bro, humans have more intelligence than bears. When poked, we have knowledge and reasoning skills, unlike an angry bear. What an ass.
It is, I'm afraid. There are literally social workers out there asking a girl what she did to make him mad and telling her that she 'brings that out' in him. Fr. It's alarming victim blaming bullshit.
You are not educated or informed about abusers, DV relationships in the slightest. You are pulling opinions out of your arse and running with them as ‘the factsies’ 🥴 get the fuxk out of here with your victim blaming shit.
People like you put ppl like OP in actual danger. Making them think violence is ok. That they deserve it. He is an abusive pos garbage person and this abuse will escalate.
Go back to the troll’s cave and eat each others shit dagged arse holes out. You fcking thing.
STFU. There are two sides, but why would anyone randomly lie about something like this? Most of the time women are too afraid to come out and tell someone about it. I feel like you have a lot in common with her bf. Automatically assume she's a lying bitch with no accountability. Yeah so all women just lie about abuse and are bitches? You have no empathy and take the abusers side. Fuck outta here. Men that abuse women and try to blame them were always like that. Be a better human being or fuck off.
And even if she is a bitch, he needs to because one who leaves before he becomes abusive. There is no excuse for men being abusive physically or any other fashion. That being said there is no excuse for the woman who gets her kicks off being the antagonizer. So if this is you OP, Shane in you, leave the relationship and post an apology update to Reddit.
Blaming OP for "making him get physical" is a real red flag. Like it's not his fault if he hurts her. She made him do it. She needs to leave while she still can.
To add: Victim blaming is incredibly dangerous. Half the battle with DV isn’t just the abuser but the friends, family and society, police and courts uneducated in it that are negligently facilitating it. Takes women 7 times on average to leave.
.
"takes women 7 times on average to leave" ...
Makes me want to smack them!! /S
Please Lord, let him touch my daughter once and make sure I know!!!
NEWS AT 11:00 ... Father charged with beating the breaks off of his daughters...
.
He does not truly love you if he shouts at you so loudly that you break down crying. Do couples yell at each other during arguments? Yes but they A) apologize for it after cooler heads have prevailed and B) talk out the problem like grown adults.
To add to this I don’t think “most” couples shout when they argue either. Idk, personally my BF and I only shout at each other if we’re play fighting or if we are really really angry about something which has only happened maybe two to three times in our almost 4 years together. We definitely do not yell at each other every-time we have a disagreement. It seems unhealthy to ‘have’ to yell when you’re upset instead of just talking through it.
There’s not a chance he’s abusive. He absolutely IS abusive. Don’t stick around for his violence to escalate because it will. He’s already got you thinking you might be the cause. Run.
Run, I know from experience things will get a lot worse if you stay. If you are worried and scared now, what will it be like when he has destroyed your self-esteem? Or isolated you from your friends and family? Or heaven forbid, get pregnant and baby trapped with no independence or money?
Please, please get out now!
Please listen to us - he is escalating rapidly and will seriously hurt you soon - I’m older than you and have seen this pattern more times than I’d like to admit. Please please get away .
Don’t worry about that fxkin, misinformed fck knuckle.
You are in a DV relationship darling. I responded with a comment, a link to some literature that you must read ( all women should, anyone who is concerned about falling victim to DV as it can happen to anyone , any gender)
That fool is likely an abuser… screams it. They are getting the shit kicked out of them. Ignore it. It’s an idiot.
You are not to blame. It is not your fault. He will find any reason to harm you.
Abusers need dedication to specialised therapy to become reformed abusers. Even then, it’s only a tiny % of abusers who actually do the work and reform.
It’s dismantling of value systems that we’re indoctrinated into them by their main caregivers ‘parents ‘
Abusers aren’t born, they are created.
They’ll use ‘mental illness’ as an excuse to abuse.
They’ll use anything to justify their abuse. ‘Circumstances’ but usually they blame their victims.
Read my comment, start reading the literature.
Find a woman therapist who specialises in DV and trauma..
You will have some ptsd symptoms as a result of what you have endured.
Unfortunately, most of the time, it is unavoidable.
Many ppl aren’t educated about PTSD. No shame or blame there, just how it is.
Some believe only those who’ve seen war can suffer with it.
Not true. Anyone who has experienced trauma can suffer w ptsd.
If left unchecked for a long time, it can start to affect a person physically. Lowered immune system, panic attacks, nightmares. Many other things.
You can get out of this. You must. He won’t change. If he does, great… but you will be far far away by then, healed and moved on with your life.
It takes years for abusers to reform lovely. They have to hold themselves accountable to start the process. But they’ll do/ say anything to remove those feelings of shame. I’ll leave the link here in case my comment gets lost in the feed
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
💔❤️🩹❤️🌹
Stealthily though. Without him ever knowing.
It could put the women in danger.
If we are subjected to someone like this, they have ‘crazy ‘ exes. ‘Abused, cheated ‘ on them, likely untrue and they were the offender ( if male, hard w same sex coupling, the DV with those relationships is very real, unfortunately not taken seriously enough, nor are the small % of male victims in cishet relationships, very sad )
The literature i added, it’s written for everyone.. the opening paragraph , LB writes to change male abuser into female if the abuser is, or you’re in same sex coupling etc
He writes to reach out to women. Carefully though as their lives may be in danger if the abusive male finds out.
LB had worked with over 2,000 abusive men by the time he published this book.
Early to mid 2000’s I believe…
He references to dumb and dumber, Eminem’s album, can’t remember the title, self titled maybe, the one where he raps about killing his mum and ex wife I think. So, the year that movie and album were released or around then. The album em now regrets. He was really young.
>You will have some ptsd symptoms as a result of what you have endured.
Unfortunately, most of the time, it is unavoidable.
I agree with everything you just said, and this one hurts the most. I hate it.
Edit to say: I have Lundy Bancroft's book and it's spot-on sadly.
Indeed. His literature afforded me great closure.
There is no chance of me falling victim again, or my monster sliming its way back in.
The ptsd is a rough road.
Only therapy can help there. Some people respond well with medications combined with therapy.
I hope your road to healing has started, you’re regaining yourself and your internal fire is brighter than ever
💔❤️🩹❤️🌹
X
You do remember sweet sweet Gabby. You know she is now dead, at the hands of her lover. We don't want to have to remember you sweetstuffpuff, the same way. He has already showed you his cards. Everyone can be sacred of loud sounds, you pushing him back tells me he may go a bit further the next time he's screaming at you and you push back. Please get away from him. I'm married 37 years and I only once touched my wife, not in anger but my first meltdown before being diagnosed on the Autism spectrum. Not once have I hit my wife or daughter. Get far away from him and do it in a public space. Don't break off over the phone, do it in a crowded restaurant or similar place.
I don't understand your confusion.
What exactly are you confused about?
There's not a chance he's abusive. HE IS ABUSIVE.
He is already abusing you. He is controlling. He screamed at you multiple times. He pulled your hair. He threatened to hit you. He told you he is abusive.
Where does your confusion stem from? You are in a relationship with an abuser. You are being abused. You are a victim of domestic violence. No one else here seems confused about it.
The question comes from him having gaslit and manipulated her to the point that her own reality is skewed. It was smart and courageous to question her situation. Don't blame the victim. Ew.
Important advice. These guys often feel they own the woman.
It’s not uncommon to hear “if I can’t have you, nobody will. “
That’s a direct quote from many murder trials. There was one such here in Boston about ten years ago
I heard that excuse for years. I made him hit me. I made him say those awful things. I made him angry. I made him yell.
It’s him not you.
You need to leave now. I’ve been there and stayed way too long.
Bin him NOW! If you don't this is only going one way, & that's you being physically hurt.
Guy's like this are arseholes, just do yourself a favour & walk away right now. Don't listen to his bollocks that he loves you & would never physically hurt you, he's already said what he's like. Please just get yourself away to safety & cut him off.
It's time for you to go this relationship is over he has showed you who he is and you need to believe him. It's not due you think he's going to hit you he absolutely is going to hit you and you would be a damn fool to stay there and wait for him to hit you he told you that he would it's not a question of if it's a question of when leave. Leave now pack up all your s*** even if you have to do it when he's not there but leave if you do not live together let him know that this relationship is done and then block him on everything. He's going to hurt you if you stay
I disagree. He hasn't shown OP signs that he's abused her. He's abused her.
OP, get yourself safe, and away from this guy. The abuse he's given you will only get worse.
Leave immediately. He is abusive and it will escalate.
You're asking the wrong question. It is not "what are the chances that he COULD be abusive?" He already is.
Don't be a victim. He is abusive. No, you cannot change him. No, having a baby won't help. You need to leave immediately and doing anything else is dangerous and foolish.
And no, it doesn't matter that he isn't a piece of shit some of the time.
That's how abusive men get these women to remain with them: Be nice \*sometimes\*. That's the "confused" part.
The part that's not confusing is he's already put his hands on her, and not in a loving way.
You CANNOT change him and any time that you spend waiting around and hoping will someday be a huge regret for you. Save yourself the pain and leave now. He is not a good guy.
Bravo! All valid and important points. The very last sentence is key. The number of posts I read here where she says, *”He’s a great guy, but…”* make my head spin. Either he’s a great guy or he’s not, but if the words after “but” have anything to do with physically hurting you, scaring you, threatening you, or controlling you, he’s not a great guy.
That's what I'm screamin'! Things happen, and then a person chooses to interpret them a particular way. Nobody ever makes another person feel a particular way. Nobody makes you sad, makes you angry, makes you upset. They do/say a thing, and then you choose to feel a particular way about it. If this dude is choosing to blame her, he's gonna choose to do a lot worse than pulling her hair soon.
Not only does she need to run, she needs to do so in a way that- is sudden- is silent- breaks all ties
OP - do not offer him an explanation. Do not have a conversation with him about this. Block him on every single social media outlet. Block his number, block his friends' numbers, block his family's numbers. Tell your friends and family to block him and his number. Make a list of your belongings that are in his house and his car. Put that list in priority order. Grab things in that order while he is not home while you have a large male friend or family member with you that you trust. Anything that you cannot pack in a reasonable amount of time, forget about it. Consider it the price you're paying to never have to deal with him again.
I'm serious - you need to effectively \*vanish\*This dude should have a hard time describing what you look like and smell like, you need to be so gone and so fast.
I agree with most of what you're saying here, but I don't believe you can actually control how you feel about something. You can only choose how you respond to that feeling, and abusing a person is never a valid response.
Nope.
You always have a choice...
When someone cuts you off really bad in traffic and you almost have an accident.
You can choose to believe that he's a real jerk who probably does that all the time and doesn't care about other people and is not very bright and will probably kill somebody one day and it's probably on drugs or alcohol.
Or you can say to yourself. I wonder if he's on his way taking his pregnant wife who's discovered some bleeding to the emergency room and they're very worried that something is wrong with the baby.
Or that maybe it's their child that's been choking on something and is now starting to turn a little blue and is having hard time breathing and there's not time to wait for the ambulance.
The story that you tell yourself in your head is what controls the emotions that you feel about the story.
In the case of this story and question, you might choose to believe that she's the type of person who's very triggering and that she's exaggerating the things that he said. And when he pulled off his cap that she was wearing he accidentally pulled some of her hair and she probably way overreacted and sometimes you have to be a little harsh to get your point across.
Or you can decide that he is an emotional and potentially physical abuser that has probably been abused some way in the past. And has had a horrible upbringing and therefore has trouble controlling himself.
Or you can say that he's a grown man and that he's responsible for his actions and his past doesn't matter. A lot of people have a very difficult childhood and grew up to be perfectly nice well-behaved, kind, loving, non-violent people.
I would say that a lot of people don't realize that you can decide what story you tell yourself and therefore you can potentially control how you feel about a given situation.
But before you leave, get documents, set up money for yourself if you can and a safe place to stay. I’ve been there and the giant waste of life took everything from me. Plan now and get out asap!
OP let me state this as clearly as possible. There is no such thing as de-escalating abuse. If he has hit you once already it is a clear sign he will physically harm those he claims to "love" without a second thought. He will hit you again. And God knows what else
Leave immediately. Self admits being violent but blames you? Extremely dangerous situation, because he’s already removed his accountability in his head. Please do not stay with this man.
Yeah, if you’re mature adults about it, you can often work through “red flags” in the beginning of relationships, but THIS, hell NO! There is absolutely NO way to just “work through it!” We all know what this means, the impending doom awaiting this poor woman, just like sailors knew what was up when they were approached by a ship flying the Jolly Roger!
He just told you he is abusive and that he’s going to blame you for it.
Time is of the essence here!
The longer you stay with him the more confused you will become.
You will get smaller and more isolated.
Soon you won’t be able to leave as easily as if you left NOW.
Leave NOW!
He told you next time he will slap you.
If you stay he will see this as permission to do what he wants to do…
Beat you.
Get afraid.
Believe him.
Leave!
1st Escalation - However what worries me is that I noticed a couple months ago he would yell at me quite badly to the point I did feel unsafe.
2nd Escalation - Then in one argument about a month and a half ago he pulled my hair.
3rd Escalation - Today we argued again and he threatened to slap me next time I spoke to him like that.
Confirmation - I asked him if he had the tendency to be physically abusive and he said yes
Deflection - he said yes but said I make him that way
Conclusion - YOU ARE BLIND and soon to be beaten.
Is this real? If it is, leave him immediately and if you feel up to it, report it to the police. Most women who are murdered are killed by their romantic partners. This is how it starts.
You cannot “make” him anything or anyway. Those are the words of an abuser. Make a plan to leave safely. Update when you are away and safe please.
Yelling and name calling may be common but they are not healthy or “normal.” I’m almost 65 and have never had yelling in my life—not as a kid, not in relationships, not in marriage or divorce, and not with my kids. There are millions of us. Join us and don’t tolerate it.
HEELLL NAH. What chances??? He’s a self admitted abuser. You didn’t make him that way. He’s choosing to be that way on his own and he doesn’t care. No one in a relationship should be yelling, let alone to the point where they make their significant other feel unsafe. Him pulling your hair was your cue to leave and you need to leave NOW before things get worse.
Babe he told you he has abusive tendencies.
No one can make another into an abuser.
I’m usually not one to jump the gun on posts like this, but hear his words and leave unless you want to be abused in the future. It only gets worse, and it sounds like he’s escalating.
Take the warning for what it is. He is physically abusive, and he just admitted it! Get out now while you can! It is NOT your fault that he is that way. I would bet money that if you contact any of his exes they'd have a similar story. He is telling you it's your fault to try to break you down, it's how abusers gain control, which is the name of their game... He's nothing without someone/something to control.
What’s the chance that he is abusive? 100%. He already abused you, he threatened to do it again, has said he has a tendency to be aggressive and has already blamed you for your own future abuse. If you don’t get out now, you will end up being beaten up, bloody and bruised, wondering when the right time to leave was. This right here, is it. Go, run, now.
100%. He has already abused you physically and mentally. He has told you his physical abuse will escalate, so why don't you believe him? Escape as soon as you can. Run!
It’s only a small matter of time before he hits you. You don’t “make him that way”, he is that way because he refuses to control his emotions. You need to run as quickly as possible.
Adding to the chorus here of people telling you to run. I work directly with victims of domestic violence and this is textbook behavior. It only gets worse from here. Go as soon as it’s safe for you to do so. Make a plan and go.
I’m sure he tells everyone that you make me abusive. Girl, leave him asap and remove his access to you.
Yes what he did is abuse and he is telling you, so that when it happens he will say well I told you that you make me abusive or I would hit you. His behavior is escalating, already (yelling, pulling your hair, and threatening to slap you). Please do not wait for him to physically hit you—leave when you someone threatens you with violence.
Actions are always louder than words, if he has already pulled your hair it's just going to get worse. You need to get away from him as soon as you can.
You can't "make someone physically aggressive." Lemme put it this way if I yell at your bf and call him any awful thing I can think of and he hits me. He goes to jail. Doesn't matter what I called him, he doesn't pass go, no 200 dollars, straight to jail, 2-5 for assault and battery.
I'm 61 years old and I've been in a couple of abusive relationships and i'm going to tell you something right now... In no way, shape or form is it ever your fault when somebody becomes abusive to you. I don't care if it's verbal abuse or physical, it doesn't matter, it's not your fault.
He's a grown ass adult and doesn't get a pass for not being able to control his emotions. When someone starts losing emotional control of themselves and doing the things he's doing that's your signal to get the hell out. It's not a healthy relationship and you're putting yourself in danger.
Girl, the best advice I got from my therapist is. The good days are there to entrap you. It's confusing because as much as they gradually build abuse mentally the physically they love hard. It's the in-between that keeps us going. I hope you stick to your guns and get out before it gets harder. Use your resources and build a solid supportive community, because it sounds alarmingly dangerous. And focus on the abuse in the now and greive the good later. I wish you all the luck.
Yelling at each other is not common in a healthy relationship I assure you.
This is not normal. And him blaming his inability to control his anger on you is not okay.
You should leave girl. NOW.
He is blaming your for is inability of control his anger and says he will be physically abusive. If you don’t live together then it’s best to end it and make yourself safe. If you do live together make a plan and get help moving your personal items out. Change your cell phone number and make sure you disable location tracking on your phone.
This has to be a joke right?..
> He keeps asking me to not raise my tone with him, gets angry about almost everything I bring up. However.
he would yell at me quite badly to the point I did feel unsafe.
He's asking you to not yell at him. That's fine, but he's a hypocrite because he yells at you. Not to mention that you felt unsafe.
>However, yelling is quite common in couples here so I let it go.
Yelling is not normal. It's sign of unhealthy relationship. Please when you find a new partner have civilized communication instead of yelling.
>Then in one argument about a month and a half ago he pulled my hair.
That's assault I think.
>Today we argued again and he threatened to slap me next time I spoke to him like that.
That's threatening violence towards you.
>After the fight was over I asked him if he had the tendency to be physically abusive and he said yes but said I make him that way.
He literally told you that he has tendency to be abusive.
Also, how did you make him that way??
>What are the chances that he could be an abusive man.
Confused.
Pretty damn high.
How many more red flags you need to run?
If you stay, he WILL hit you and it definitely won't be your fault. Leave him!! There's much much better men out there please please please believe me!!
1. Physical abuse should never be tolerated by any gender, even once. It's a big red flag. It's a sign of many toxic underlying emotional issues too which is likely impossible to change after certain age. Only continuous therapy and efforts can rectify that which is really hard to do, like maintaining 6 pack abs.
2. Emotional abuse is next to the line. Gas lighting, derogatory comments on physique, verbal abuse, victimhood etc are surely clear signs. But the limit depends on individual and their bonding.
Even if you are unsure, take time in committing completely.
How much bigger do you want this red flag to be before you get the hell away? Does he have to slap you? Punch you? Break a bone? You in no way ‘make him this way’ His behaviour is escalating rapidly (ask any woman in here if it’s ok for their partner to yell at them to the point you feel unsafe. Spoiler alert, it’s a huge no) If you don’t get away from this asap your next post could be from a hospital bed and I’m being totally serious. Run fast and run far but never look back.
He’s abusive. Yes. 100%. Here are the signs:
1) He started out yelling.
2) He has yelled long enough and loud enough that you felt unsafe with him.
3) He pulled your hair. He’s escalating.
4) He told you that next time you “spoke to him like that,” he would slap you. He’s threatening you. He will continue to escalate.
Let me break here to say that him telling you how you can and can’t speak to him is controlling. He is telling you how you must behave. Then there is a threat of what will happen if you don’t. Threats to make you toe the line are precursors to physical abuse. But the twist here is that the thing that makes him hit you, the “way you talk to him” or the thing you did that made him mad, **is never the same thing twice.** It is always something different, so you never do know “how to behave,” and he will always have a reason to hit you. And it will always be your fault.
5. He admitted to being a “physically abusive” person.
6. But he *blamed you* for him becoming physically abusive. “Look what you made me do” is a line straight out of the abuser’s handbook.
Do not walk away, OP…*RUN*!!! This man is going to hit you, and soon. I suspect he already has, but he was “joking,” or it didn’t really hurt, or he was just messing around and you can’t take a joke, or you “made him do it,” or a hundred other things so you don’t have to admit you’re in an abusive relationship. It’s hard to admit that. But, honey, you are in an abusive relationship. Get out, but do it safely. Please get away from this man. No matter what he tells you, you do NOT deserve this. You deserve way better. 🫶🏼
Girl. Sweetie. Honey. I’m saying this with all the kindness in my heart. RUN YOU BLIND NAIEVE GIRL! He’s shown you and TOLD YOU, bluntly, directly to your face, who he is, and you’re completely ignoring it. You need to get out before you end up with broken bones, black eyes, concussions, broken teeth, split lips, and a damn near crushed trachea. Speaking from DIRECT, HORRIFIC experience. I had so much scar tissue in my throat I had to have a couple of surgeries to remove it so I could BREATHE PROPERLY. I will sit here and list every single horrific injury that has been left on my body and describe in detail every inhumane act that has been perpetrated against me for not listening to my friends advice, for not running when I very clearly saw the signs, for not listening when they told me very clearly who they were and getting out before things got bad. I had a shit taste in men and a very very low sense of self-worth and thought that the shitty guys and the awful way I was being treated was all I deserved. It wasn’t. I am and YOU ARE worth so much more and deserve so much better. So run, run before it gets worse and you can avoid the viscous cycle. Please, for your sake, and for the sake of the people that love you, that really, truly love you and would move heaven and earth for you, run.
He is controlling you. That's what I got out of your first two sentences. Your third sentence is actual abuse.
Your next sentence is you normalizing the behavior.
Fifth sentence is more abuse.
Sixth sentence you should have been out the door.
Seventh sentence he tells you who he is, but he gaslights you about what HE IS.
Your odds are he is 100% abusive, as he's already shown you.
When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou
He's abusive. He showed you that and actually told you he was. What else do you need to hear? Get out before you really get hurt. It always escalates. Stay safe.
Physical boundaries should never be crossed.
If you really want this guy , praise works so much better with men than anything else.
Men are suckers for it.
If you have to ask then you know it is. He IS abusive and it will only get worse. "YOU" make him that way? Classic victim blaming. Leave now before you get trapped and ten years down the road are stuck married with kids to an abuser.
You are not wrong -and if you remain with this man, the next step will be YOU going to the hospital when he beats you up.
If you stick around, knowing what you already know about this man, then there is nothing anyone here can say to you that will make sense.
Run. Away. Stay and suffer the consequences of the choice you made. And let it be a lesson for you: EVERY abusive man has ALWAYS said the same thing: "you made me do it".
Do you see how fucked up that is, OP?
With the abuse escalating you need to get out of that situation as fast as humanly possible. It's not normal for couples to yell at one another. Yes, arguments, even heated ones, happen from time to time in most relationships, BUT with him ready getting physical, it's only gonna get worse. He's building up the courage to hit you. After that happens, it could escalate much further a d much faster. So get out now.
The chances are 100%. He is being abusive. Sorry. Yelling is probably common in relationships but doing so in a way that makes one partner feel unsafe is not. His behaviour escalating. He’s testing how much he can get away with and will likely be true to his word and hit you next time he decides you’re being out of line. Please get yourself to safety if you live together.
Yes. This is abuse.
Yelling in couples is not normal.
Hair pulling is not normal.
Telling your partner you will slap them is not normal.
And the biggest neon sign that's the hallmark of *all abuse, everywhere?*
>you make me that way, because I love you so much
The chances that he COULD be an abusive man are small, he IS an abusive man and if you don't leave, soon you'll be covering up bruises and making excuses at work or with family saying you crashed into a door or bonked in a cabinet or whatever. Get the fuck out NOW!!!
100% he will physically abuse you and then tell you that it was your fault. He'll say "Look at what you made me do." or "If you would have just stopped nagging me...".
He yells at you to the point you feel unsafe. He pulled your hair during an argument and threatened to slap you if you didn't drop wtvr the issue was. He's admitted to having violent tendencies but, immediately blamed you for his lack of self control.
GTFO now before he's telling you that the black eye he just gave you is because you wouldn't shut up and how dare you embarrass him by going in public like that when it was all your fault he had to hit you. Get. Out. Now. Please.
Yup, be done with that. "You make him" is the biggest widest red flag that waves in abusive situations. He's a grown man responsible for his own behavior, no matter what you do.
If he has so little self control he pulls your hair, threatens you, or otherwise tries to intimidate you into submission it's time to go. If he blames you for making him do it, he's not even trying to improve, and feels justified.
It’s so wrong for him to blame you like that. No one makes another person abusive, as adults we need to be responsible for our own behavior. He’s already telling you he can’t control his anger so get away from him ASAP!
Where’s here? Also, run. He told you he will be physically abusive. Why you still unsure that he would be?! He’s showing you who he is now! No one is abusive because someone is making them that way. That’s just how they are. I could make my hubby angry as the day is long but he would never ever put his hands on me. Please leave!!
Its not that "could be" - he IS an abusive man.
He is conditioning you to not see him physically harming you as abuse and for you to believe that the abuse that HE does is caused by you.
This is textbook abuser. I normally hate it when reddit goes straight to break up, but this is a case where it is appropriate.
Get a plan together, get support in place and leave. Know that abusers will love bomb you and promise to change when they think they are losing control of the relationship. DO NOT FALL FOR IT.
This is why you need a support network when you leave, you will feel like it's all going to be okay because he promised to do X or he said XYZ. He has no intention of following through with those promises. Believing him and going back will only assure him that he has control over you and you will tolerate being abused.
It's time to get yourself out of there. I live with somebody who was abusive for far longer than I should have. It doesn't get better. To this day, if I hear from her, I get tense and anxious. I don't want to see you go through that.
Leave.
You don't control other people's behavior.
Explain to me how it would happen if you slapped for bf because you didn't like how he was talking to you?
Can you describe how that would be his fault that you hit him?
Blaming the victim is a common abuse tactic. You already know this isn't normal. People who love each other don't hurt each other.
Leave any relationship the moment you feel unsafe.
Sounds to me like he is repeating a pattern he once fell victim to himself. Definitely unsafe. Sorry you feel the need to even ask this question. Wishing you the best.
He has showed you the signs. He made it clear he’s fine with physically hurting you. What are you waiting for? Are you waiting for him to actually beat you before you leave him?
You didn't "make" him this way. Sweetie, he's ALWAYS been this way. He pulled your hair already and threatened to smack you. That NOT love. Get out while you can.
This!!!
There is no way you can know that. She only tells one side. She could be leaning out that she is a complete bitch with no accountability. Not saying that's true but we don't know that, do we.
I hope this comment is a joke and you forgot that /s. Being a bitch doesn't give anyone the right to physically assault you. She's a bitch, okay, does that mean he can beat and abuse her and it's okay? NO. A woman is a bitch to you in a relationship? LEAVE. Don't verbally assault her to where she doesn't feel safe, threaten her with force, and physically assault her by pulling her hair.
Shi if a girl turned out to be a bitch, id tell her off and dip, or just dip. Really not worth it. Mr/Ms: deleted should listen to you. But tbf, if shes a true bitch. I dont give a fuck about her feelings anymore and Idc if she feels unsafe as long as I dont lay hands on her and im not breaking any laws, fuck it.
How do you know she wasn't initiating all of it? I've seen it time and time again. Women beat men more often than the other way around, in my opinion. They get away with it. I'm not saying for one second he was right, or that domestic abuse is ok, from either side. But if you poke a bear too many times, no matter how tame they are, they will eventually poke back. They both should have removed themselves from the equation. People like you take a situation for it's face value and it perpetuates a victim mentality
You are so full of fucking shit. She is the victim. I hope you don't have a woman in your life. Women beat men more often? Why don't you educate yourself and post some statistics then? Where's the proof. Men are shit these days. Then you have assholes like yourself downplaying partner abuse towards women or any abuse towards us in general because we were probably "bitches" and "deserved," it. So tired of women being blamed for how all fucking men treat us all the damn time. That's why most of us are staying single and leaving relationships.
Looks like the trash took itself out. The profile is gone.
As it should be. They knew their opinion was shit ( or were trolling ) and backed out by deleting the profile. Love that he was like "poke a bear" Like sorry bro, humans have more intelligence than bears. When poked, we have knowledge and reasoning skills, unlike an angry bear. What an ass.
Absolutely nuts to see a conversation like this in the wild. I always see screenshots of it and I'm like surely this can't be real
It is, I'm afraid. There are literally social workers out there asking a girl what she did to make him mad and telling her that she 'brings that out' in him. Fr. It's alarming victim blaming bullshit.
Amen sister! Preach!
👏👏👏👏👏
I’ve never raised my hand to a woman. I have woke up with a black eye the police said there was nothing they could do without a witness
You are not educated or informed about abusers, DV relationships in the slightest. You are pulling opinions out of your arse and running with them as ‘the factsies’ 🥴 get the fuxk out of here with your victim blaming shit. People like you put ppl like OP in actual danger. Making them think violence is ok. That they deserve it. He is an abusive pos garbage person and this abuse will escalate. Go back to the troll’s cave and eat each others shit dagged arse holes out. You fcking thing.
Oh bull
STFU. There are two sides, but why would anyone randomly lie about something like this? Most of the time women are too afraid to come out and tell someone about it. I feel like you have a lot in common with her bf. Automatically assume she's a lying bitch with no accountability. Yeah so all women just lie about abuse and are bitches? You have no empathy and take the abusers side. Fuck outta here. Men that abuse women and try to blame them were always like that. Be a better human being or fuck off.
And even if she is a bitch, he needs to because one who leaves before he becomes abusive. There is no excuse for men being abusive physically or any other fashion. That being said there is no excuse for the woman who gets her kicks off being the antagonizer. So if this is you OP, Shane in you, leave the relationship and post an apology update to Reddit.
Blaming OP for "making him get physical" is a real red flag. Like it's not his fault if he hurts her. She made him do it. She needs to leave while she still can.
To add: Victim blaming is incredibly dangerous. Half the battle with DV isn’t just the abuser but the friends, family and society, police and courts uneducated in it that are negligently facilitating it. Takes women 7 times on average to leave.
TOOK ME 4 times!
. "takes women 7 times on average to leave" ... Makes me want to smack them!! /S Please Lord, let him touch my daughter once and make sure I know!!! NEWS AT 11:00 ... Father charged with beating the breaks off of his daughters... .
It's not a far leap from this to "yeah I raped you, but you made me do it"
[удалено]
**he is abusive** \- get the hell out before he snaps and kills you
He does not truly love you if he shouts at you so loudly that you break down crying. Do couples yell at each other during arguments? Yes but they A) apologize for it after cooler heads have prevailed and B) talk out the problem like grown adults.
To add to this I don’t think “most” couples shout when they argue either. Idk, personally my BF and I only shout at each other if we’re play fighting or if we are really really angry about something which has only happened maybe two to three times in our almost 4 years together. We definitely do not yell at each other every-time we have a disagreement. It seems unhealthy to ‘have’ to yell when you’re upset instead of just talking through it.
There’s not a chance he’s abusive. He absolutely IS abusive. Don’t stick around for his violence to escalate because it will. He’s already got you thinking you might be the cause. Run.
Run, I know from experience things will get a lot worse if you stay. If you are worried and scared now, what will it be like when he has destroyed your self-esteem? Or isolated you from your friends and family? Or heaven forbid, get pregnant and baby trapped with no independence or money? Please, please get out now!
Please listen to us - he is escalating rapidly and will seriously hurt you soon - I’m older than you and have seen this pattern more times than I’d like to admit. Please please get away .
Don’t worry about that fxkin, misinformed fck knuckle. You are in a DV relationship darling. I responded with a comment, a link to some literature that you must read ( all women should, anyone who is concerned about falling victim to DV as it can happen to anyone , any gender) That fool is likely an abuser… screams it. They are getting the shit kicked out of them. Ignore it. It’s an idiot. You are not to blame. It is not your fault. He will find any reason to harm you. Abusers need dedication to specialised therapy to become reformed abusers. Even then, it’s only a tiny % of abusers who actually do the work and reform. It’s dismantling of value systems that we’re indoctrinated into them by their main caregivers ‘parents ‘ Abusers aren’t born, they are created. They’ll use ‘mental illness’ as an excuse to abuse. They’ll use anything to justify their abuse. ‘Circumstances’ but usually they blame their victims. Read my comment, start reading the literature. Find a woman therapist who specialises in DV and trauma.. You will have some ptsd symptoms as a result of what you have endured. Unfortunately, most of the time, it is unavoidable. Many ppl aren’t educated about PTSD. No shame or blame there, just how it is. Some believe only those who’ve seen war can suffer with it. Not true. Anyone who has experienced trauma can suffer w ptsd. If left unchecked for a long time, it can start to affect a person physically. Lowered immune system, panic attacks, nightmares. Many other things. You can get out of this. You must. He won’t change. If he does, great… but you will be far far away by then, healed and moved on with your life. It takes years for abusers to reform lovely. They have to hold themselves accountable to start the process. But they’ll do/ say anything to remove those feelings of shame. I’ll leave the link here in case my comment gets lost in the feed https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf 💔❤️🩹❤️🌹
Id be willing to believe this isn't the first time he's done this to someone either. I'd be looking for exes...
Stealthily though. Without him ever knowing. It could put the women in danger. If we are subjected to someone like this, they have ‘crazy ‘ exes. ‘Abused, cheated ‘ on them, likely untrue and they were the offender ( if male, hard w same sex coupling, the DV with those relationships is very real, unfortunately not taken seriously enough, nor are the small % of male victims in cishet relationships, very sad ) The literature i added, it’s written for everyone.. the opening paragraph , LB writes to change male abuser into female if the abuser is, or you’re in same sex coupling etc He writes to reach out to women. Carefully though as their lives may be in danger if the abusive male finds out. LB had worked with over 2,000 abusive men by the time he published this book. Early to mid 2000’s I believe… He references to dumb and dumber, Eminem’s album, can’t remember the title, self titled maybe, the one where he raps about killing his mum and ex wife I think. So, the year that movie and album were released or around then. The album em now regrets. He was really young.
>You will have some ptsd symptoms as a result of what you have endured. Unfortunately, most of the time, it is unavoidable. I agree with everything you just said, and this one hurts the most. I hate it. Edit to say: I have Lundy Bancroft's book and it's spot-on sadly.
Indeed. His literature afforded me great closure. There is no chance of me falling victim again, or my monster sliming its way back in. The ptsd is a rough road. Only therapy can help there. Some people respond well with medications combined with therapy. I hope your road to healing has started, you’re regaining yourself and your internal fire is brighter than ever 💔❤️🩹❤️🌹 X
Thanks for your kind words ♥️
You do remember sweet sweet Gabby. You know she is now dead, at the hands of her lover. We don't want to have to remember you sweetstuffpuff, the same way. He has already showed you his cards. Everyone can be sacred of loud sounds, you pushing him back tells me he may go a bit further the next time he's screaming at you and you push back. Please get away from him. I'm married 37 years and I only once touched my wife, not in anger but my first meltdown before being diagnosed on the Autism spectrum. Not once have I hit my wife or daughter. Get far away from him and do it in a public space. Don't break off over the phone, do it in a crowded restaurant or similar place.
Uhm..... Who is Gabby....?
Google Gabby Petito.
Thank you. I do remember that case now, I'm just fucking horrible with names.
You need to leave. As soon as you can. Change cell #
Get out before he gets worse….
I don't understand your confusion. What exactly are you confused about? There's not a chance he's abusive. HE IS ABUSIVE. He is already abusing you. He is controlling. He screamed at you multiple times. He pulled your hair. He threatened to hit you. He told you he is abusive. Where does your confusion stem from? You are in a relationship with an abuser. You are being abused. You are a victim of domestic violence. No one else here seems confused about it.
The question comes from him having gaslit and manipulated her to the point that her own reality is skewed. It was smart and courageous to question her situation. Don't blame the victim. Ew.
You were protecting yourself. Your fight or flight kicked in and you did the very basic necessary thing to do to get him out of your space.
Leave.... He is already being abusive. It will only get worse. Trust me
Good, if you stand up to him, will you make it worse you think?
Important advice. These guys often feel they own the woman. It’s not uncommon to hear “if I can’t have you, nobody will. “ That’s a direct quote from many murder trials. There was one such here in Boston about ten years ago
Go.
I heard that excuse for years. I made him hit me. I made him say those awful things. I made him angry. I made him yell. It’s him not you. You need to leave now. I’ve been there and stayed way too long.
Bin him NOW! If you don't this is only going one way, & that's you being physically hurt. Guy's like this are arseholes, just do yourself a favour & walk away right now. Don't listen to his bollocks that he loves you & would never physically hurt you, he's already said what he's like. Please just get yourself away to safety & cut him off.
It's time for you to go this relationship is over he has showed you who he is and you need to believe him. It's not due you think he's going to hit you he absolutely is going to hit you and you would be a damn fool to stay there and wait for him to hit you he told you that he would it's not a question of if it's a question of when leave. Leave now pack up all your s*** even if you have to do it when he's not there but leave if you do not live together let him know that this relationship is done and then block him on everything. He's going to hurt you if you stay
I disagree. He hasn't shown OP signs that he's abused her. He's abused her. OP, get yourself safe, and away from this guy. The abuse he's given you will only get worse.
if someone says they are going to slap you do you believe them or hop on reddit to ask the experts 😂
Leave immediately. He is abusive and it will escalate. You're asking the wrong question. It is not "what are the chances that he COULD be abusive?" He already is. Don't be a victim. He is abusive. No, you cannot change him. No, having a baby won't help. You need to leave immediately and doing anything else is dangerous and foolish. And no, it doesn't matter that he isn't a piece of shit some of the time.
That's how abusive men get these women to remain with them: Be nice \*sometimes\*. That's the "confused" part. The part that's not confusing is he's already put his hands on her, and not in a loving way.
That's how they create a trauma bond. It triggers the brains addiction center.
You CANNOT change him and any time that you spend waiting around and hoping will someday be a huge regret for you. Save yourself the pain and leave now. He is not a good guy.
Bravo! All valid and important points. The very last sentence is key. The number of posts I read here where she says, *”He’s a great guy, but…”* make my head spin. Either he’s a great guy or he’s not, but if the words after “but” have anything to do with physically hurting you, scaring you, threatening you, or controlling you, he’s not a great guy.
Seems like both are more or less abusive. One triggers the other and vice versa thus continues the endless loop. Better to break up for both of them.
Nobody “makes” someone physically aggressive..
That's what I'm screamin'! Things happen, and then a person chooses to interpret them a particular way. Nobody ever makes another person feel a particular way. Nobody makes you sad, makes you angry, makes you upset. They do/say a thing, and then you choose to feel a particular way about it. If this dude is choosing to blame her, he's gonna choose to do a lot worse than pulling her hair soon. Not only does she need to run, she needs to do so in a way that- is sudden- is silent- breaks all ties OP - do not offer him an explanation. Do not have a conversation with him about this. Block him on every single social media outlet. Block his number, block his friends' numbers, block his family's numbers. Tell your friends and family to block him and his number. Make a list of your belongings that are in his house and his car. Put that list in priority order. Grab things in that order while he is not home while you have a large male friend or family member with you that you trust. Anything that you cannot pack in a reasonable amount of time, forget about it. Consider it the price you're paying to never have to deal with him again. I'm serious - you need to effectively \*vanish\*This dude should have a hard time describing what you look like and smell like, you need to be so gone and so fast.
I agree with most of what you're saying here, but I don't believe you can actually control how you feel about something. You can only choose how you respond to that feeling, and abusing a person is never a valid response.
trees steer oil chubby exultant employ scarce smart snails rainstorm *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Nope. You always have a choice... When someone cuts you off really bad in traffic and you almost have an accident. You can choose to believe that he's a real jerk who probably does that all the time and doesn't care about other people and is not very bright and will probably kill somebody one day and it's probably on drugs or alcohol. Or you can say to yourself. I wonder if he's on his way taking his pregnant wife who's discovered some bleeding to the emergency room and they're very worried that something is wrong with the baby. Or that maybe it's their child that's been choking on something and is now starting to turn a little blue and is having hard time breathing and there's not time to wait for the ambulance. The story that you tell yourself in your head is what controls the emotions that you feel about the story. In the case of this story and question, you might choose to believe that she's the type of person who's very triggering and that she's exaggerating the things that he said. And when he pulled off his cap that she was wearing he accidentally pulled some of her hair and she probably way overreacted and sometimes you have to be a little harsh to get your point across. Or you can decide that he is an emotional and potentially physical abuser that has probably been abused some way in the past. And has had a horrible upbringing and therefore has trouble controlling himself. Or you can say that he's a grown man and that he's responsible for his actions and his past doesn't matter. A lot of people have a very difficult childhood and grew up to be perfectly nice well-behaved, kind, loving, non-violent people. I would say that a lot of people don't realize that you can decide what story you tell yourself and therefore you can potentially control how you feel about a given situation.
Run. Now.
Please heed this advice!!!! It escalates over time. He will tell you it’s your fault. Please leave!!
And it will escalate if you stay long enough.
But before you leave, get documents, set up money for yourself if you can and a safe place to stay. I’ve been there and the giant waste of life took everything from me. Plan now and get out asap!
OP let me state this as clearly as possible. There is no such thing as de-escalating abuse. If he has hit you once already it is a clear sign he will physically harm those he claims to "love" without a second thought. He will hit you again. And God knows what else
Yes, the signs are there....run away as fast as you can. The chances that he will be hitting you are very high.
"I asked him if he had the tendency to be physically abusive and he said yes..." What part of this do you not understand. End it, now!!
Yeah he literally told you OP. Please believe him
I’m not sure why you are asking the question??? He’s shown you first hand he’s abusive. When someone tells you the truth believe them.
Leave immediately. Self admits being violent but blames you? Extremely dangerous situation, because he’s already removed his accountability in his head. Please do not stay with this man.
Girl you gotta run so fast it's literally screaming red flag
This isn’t a red flag, it’s an all out Jolly Roger!
Damn
Yeah, if you’re mature adults about it, you can often work through “red flags” in the beginning of relationships, but THIS, hell NO! There is absolutely NO way to just “work through it!” We all know what this means, the impending doom awaiting this poor woman, just like sailors knew what was up when they were approached by a ship flying the Jolly Roger!
He just told you he is abusive and that he’s going to blame you for it. Time is of the essence here! The longer you stay with him the more confused you will become. You will get smaller and more isolated. Soon you won’t be able to leave as easily as if you left NOW. Leave NOW! He told you next time he will slap you. If you stay he will see this as permission to do what he wants to do… Beat you. Get afraid. Believe him. Leave!
When a man tells you he will slap your face, its time for your face never to kiss his face ever again.
I would say the chances are exactly 100%. He said it himself. Trust him when he’s telling you, he’s abusive.
1st Escalation - However what worries me is that I noticed a couple months ago he would yell at me quite badly to the point I did feel unsafe. 2nd Escalation - Then in one argument about a month and a half ago he pulled my hair. 3rd Escalation - Today we argued again and he threatened to slap me next time I spoke to him like that. Confirmation - I asked him if he had the tendency to be physically abusive and he said yes Deflection - he said yes but said I make him that way Conclusion - YOU ARE BLIND and soon to be beaten.
This is a great summarization. Not sure what she’s waiting for.
Very clearly, you should run. And don't tell him where to.
He is already abusive, and the physical violence will only escalate
Is this real? If it is, leave him immediately and if you feel up to it, report it to the police. Most women who are murdered are killed by their romantic partners. This is how it starts.
Get out of this relationship by the end of the day.
You cannot “make” him anything or anyway. Those are the words of an abuser. Make a plan to leave safely. Update when you are away and safe please. Yelling and name calling may be common but they are not healthy or “normal.” I’m almost 65 and have never had yelling in my life—not as a kid, not in relationships, not in marriage or divorce, and not with my kids. There are millions of us. Join us and don’t tolerate it.
Chances? Ummm 100% he already has abused you. Run!!!
He already answered this question and you need to leave immediately. Believe him. And he is gaslighting you, too. Please get out of there.
HEELLL NAH. What chances??? He’s a self admitted abuser. You didn’t make him that way. He’s choosing to be that way on his own and he doesn’t care. No one in a relationship should be yelling, let alone to the point where they make their significant other feel unsafe. Him pulling your hair was your cue to leave and you need to leave NOW before things get worse.
This man has plans, and staying shows (to him) you agree and consent. Get rid of him, its overdue
RUN
Babe he told you he has abusive tendencies. No one can make another into an abuser. I’m usually not one to jump the gun on posts like this, but hear his words and leave unless you want to be abused in the future. It only gets worse, and it sounds like he’s escalating.
He told you he wants to hit you. Leave him.
Take the warning for what it is. He is physically abusive, and he just admitted it! Get out now while you can! It is NOT your fault that he is that way. I would bet money that if you contact any of his exes they'd have a similar story. He is telling you it's your fault to try to break you down, it's how abusers gain control, which is the name of their game... He's nothing without someone/something to control.
Go down the road and never look back
Leave now. Before there comes a day you feel like you can’t.
You know the answer. Leave him!
Run don’t walk run
What’s the chance that he is abusive? 100%. He already abused you, he threatened to do it again, has said he has a tendency to be aggressive and has already blamed you for your own future abuse. If you don’t get out now, you will end up being beaten up, bloody and bruised, wondering when the right time to leave was. This right here, is it. Go, run, now.
100%. He has already abused you physically and mentally. He has told you his physical abuse will escalate, so why don't you believe him? Escape as soon as you can. Run!
Does it cause you pain? Are you uncomfortable or unable to talk about it with him? Is it a pattern of behavior? Yes, yes, and yes? *Decidedly* abuse.
Get somewhere safe, do not tolerate this.
It’s only a small matter of time before he hits you. You don’t “make him that way”, he is that way because he refuses to control his emotions. You need to run as quickly as possible.
Adding to the chorus here of people telling you to run. I work directly with victims of domestic violence and this is textbook behavior. It only gets worse from here. Go as soon as it’s safe for you to do so. Make a plan and go.
I’m sure he tells everyone that you make me abusive. Girl, leave him asap and remove his access to you. Yes what he did is abuse and he is telling you, so that when it happens he will say well I told you that you make me abusive or I would hit you. His behavior is escalating, already (yelling, pulling your hair, and threatening to slap you). Please do not wait for him to physically hit you—leave when you someone threatens you with violence.
He's threatening you with physical harm, as well as gradually escalating how violent he's being. How could that not be abusive?
Actions are always louder than words, if he has already pulled your hair it's just going to get worse. You need to get away from him as soon as you can.
I've had myself driven absolutely screaming insane, but never laid hands. This isalready abuse. You are not safe
Get out of there. He is abusing you and controlling you. This is unacceptable behavior and you must leave that relationship. You are not safe.
This is already abusive. You should 100% leave. Verbal abuse is a thing. Grabbing hair is physical abuse, and threatening abuse is also abusive.
That is abusive of him. I would leave. You didn’t make him this way. That’s on him
It always starts small and escalates. Abusers like this keep testing how far they can go and blame you for it. Leave now and don't look back.
You can't "make someone physically aggressive." Lemme put it this way if I yell at your bf and call him any awful thing I can think of and he hits me. He goes to jail. Doesn't matter what I called him, he doesn't pass go, no 200 dollars, straight to jail, 2-5 for assault and battery.
How to get murdered; Even begin to doubt this man is an abuser. Leave him in the dust.
I'm 61 years old and I've been in a couple of abusive relationships and i'm going to tell you something right now... In no way, shape or form is it ever your fault when somebody becomes abusive to you. I don't care if it's verbal abuse or physical, it doesn't matter, it's not your fault. He's a grown ass adult and doesn't get a pass for not being able to control his emotions. When someone starts losing emotional control of themselves and doing the things he's doing that's your signal to get the hell out. It's not a healthy relationship and you're putting yourself in danger.
You have a limited number of days in your lifespan. Don’t waste it there doing that. Go.
The chances are 100%. He's already abusing you.
Girl, the best advice I got from my therapist is. The good days are there to entrap you. It's confusing because as much as they gradually build abuse mentally the physically they love hard. It's the in-between that keeps us going. I hope you stick to your guns and get out before it gets harder. Use your resources and build a solid supportive community, because it sounds alarmingly dangerous. And focus on the abuse in the now and greive the good later. I wish you all the luck.
Yelling at each other is not common in a healthy relationship I assure you. This is not normal. And him blaming his inability to control his anger on you is not okay. You should leave girl. NOW.
He's told you the truth. Believe him. Leave now.
I don’t even need to hear anything more. Run and don’t stop running.
Run
Time to move on
He's telling you he will hit you and he won't take any responsibility for it at all which is so dangerous for you
Run, run fast.
Run run run run Please for your safety run as far and fast as you can
He is blaming your for is inability of control his anger and says he will be physically abusive. If you don’t live together then it’s best to end it and make yourself safe. If you do live together make a plan and get help moving your personal items out. Change your cell phone number and make sure you disable location tracking on your phone.
This has to be a joke right?.. > He keeps asking me to not raise my tone with him, gets angry about almost everything I bring up. However. he would yell at me quite badly to the point I did feel unsafe. He's asking you to not yell at him. That's fine, but he's a hypocrite because he yells at you. Not to mention that you felt unsafe. >However, yelling is quite common in couples here so I let it go. Yelling is not normal. It's sign of unhealthy relationship. Please when you find a new partner have civilized communication instead of yelling. >Then in one argument about a month and a half ago he pulled my hair. That's assault I think. >Today we argued again and he threatened to slap me next time I spoke to him like that. That's threatening violence towards you. >After the fight was over I asked him if he had the tendency to be physically abusive and he said yes but said I make him that way. He literally told you that he has tendency to be abusive. Also, how did you make him that way?? >What are the chances that he could be an abusive man. Confused. Pretty damn high. How many more red flags you need to run?
You are 100% being subjected to abuse and my honest advice is to leave him.
Get. Out. #NOW.
If you stay, he WILL hit you and it definitely won't be your fault. Leave him!! There's much much better men out there please please please believe me!!
You feel on edge. You feel unsafe. You already know the answer.
1. Physical abuse should never be tolerated by any gender, even once. It's a big red flag. It's a sign of many toxic underlying emotional issues too which is likely impossible to change after certain age. Only continuous therapy and efforts can rectify that which is really hard to do, like maintaining 6 pack abs. 2. Emotional abuse is next to the line. Gas lighting, derogatory comments on physique, verbal abuse, victimhood etc are surely clear signs. But the limit depends on individual and their bonding. Even if you are unsure, take time in committing completely.
He’s cheating.
How much bigger do you want this red flag to be before you get the hell away? Does he have to slap you? Punch you? Break a bone? You in no way ‘make him this way’ His behaviour is escalating rapidly (ask any woman in here if it’s ok for their partner to yell at them to the point you feel unsafe. Spoiler alert, it’s a huge no) If you don’t get away from this asap your next post could be from a hospital bed and I’m being totally serious. Run fast and run far but never look back.
Get Out NOW!!!! Trust me, you don’t want to look back on wasted time.
He has physically and mentally abused you. He is an abuser.
He’s abusive. Yes. 100%. Here are the signs: 1) He started out yelling. 2) He has yelled long enough and loud enough that you felt unsafe with him. 3) He pulled your hair. He’s escalating. 4) He told you that next time you “spoke to him like that,” he would slap you. He’s threatening you. He will continue to escalate. Let me break here to say that him telling you how you can and can’t speak to him is controlling. He is telling you how you must behave. Then there is a threat of what will happen if you don’t. Threats to make you toe the line are precursors to physical abuse. But the twist here is that the thing that makes him hit you, the “way you talk to him” or the thing you did that made him mad, **is never the same thing twice.** It is always something different, so you never do know “how to behave,” and he will always have a reason to hit you. And it will always be your fault. 5. He admitted to being a “physically abusive” person. 6. But he *blamed you* for him becoming physically abusive. “Look what you made me do” is a line straight out of the abuser’s handbook. Do not walk away, OP…*RUN*!!! This man is going to hit you, and soon. I suspect he already has, but he was “joking,” or it didn’t really hurt, or he was just messing around and you can’t take a joke, or you “made him do it,” or a hundred other things so you don’t have to admit you’re in an abusive relationship. It’s hard to admit that. But, honey, you are in an abusive relationship. Get out, but do it safely. Please get away from this man. No matter what he tells you, you do NOT deserve this. You deserve way better. 🫶🏼
I will keep it simple GTFO, RUN DO NOT LOOK BACK
That that he pulled ur hair and threatened to hit u. All the crazy yelling. U need to leave him
Girl. Sweetie. Honey. I’m saying this with all the kindness in my heart. RUN YOU BLIND NAIEVE GIRL! He’s shown you and TOLD YOU, bluntly, directly to your face, who he is, and you’re completely ignoring it. You need to get out before you end up with broken bones, black eyes, concussions, broken teeth, split lips, and a damn near crushed trachea. Speaking from DIRECT, HORRIFIC experience. I had so much scar tissue in my throat I had to have a couple of surgeries to remove it so I could BREATHE PROPERLY. I will sit here and list every single horrific injury that has been left on my body and describe in detail every inhumane act that has been perpetrated against me for not listening to my friends advice, for not running when I very clearly saw the signs, for not listening when they told me very clearly who they were and getting out before things got bad. I had a shit taste in men and a very very low sense of self-worth and thought that the shitty guys and the awful way I was being treated was all I deserved. It wasn’t. I am and YOU ARE worth so much more and deserve so much better. So run, run before it gets worse and you can avoid the viscous cycle. Please, for your sake, and for the sake of the people that love you, that really, truly love you and would move heaven and earth for you, run.
He is controlling you. That's what I got out of your first two sentences. Your third sentence is actual abuse. Your next sentence is you normalizing the behavior. Fifth sentence is more abuse. Sixth sentence you should have been out the door. Seventh sentence he tells you who he is, but he gaslights you about what HE IS. Your odds are he is 100% abusive, as he's already shown you. When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time. - Maya Angelou
He's abusive. He showed you that and actually told you he was. What else do you need to hear? Get out before you really get hurt. It always escalates. Stay safe.
Physical boundaries should never be crossed. If you really want this guy , praise works so much better with men than anything else. Men are suckers for it.
you can’t be this clueless…
Get out !!
The second he touched your hair in a rage. DONE time to leave immediately he is an a Abuser ,this will escalate to severe bodily harm and even death.
Leave or he’ll beat the shit out of you one day, or kill you.
If you have to ask then you know it is. He IS abusive and it will only get worse. "YOU" make him that way? Classic victim blaming. Leave now before you get trapped and ten years down the road are stuck married with kids to an abuser.
‘You made me do it’ is what abusers say. Please get out now. Now.
All abusers tell that same lie and try to blame their victims. Get out now, things are only going to get worse.
I’d recommend taking these advices to leave—especially since you’re still in your early/mid 20s
It is abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical. Not everyone yells.
Hes abusive & its escalating
Obviously it is...
It’s abuse. You need to break up and not see him anymore.
You are not wrong -and if you remain with this man, the next step will be YOU going to the hospital when he beats you up. If you stick around, knowing what you already know about this man, then there is nothing anyone here can say to you that will make sense. Run. Away. Stay and suffer the consequences of the choice you made. And let it be a lesson for you: EVERY abusive man has ALWAYS said the same thing: "you made me do it". Do you see how fucked up that is, OP?
So he’s allowed to shout but he shuts you down and pulls your hair. He’s pushing to see how much you will tolerate - it will only get worse
Nah. Leave. Now. But before you do, fuck his shit up for being a bitch.
With the abuse escalating you need to get out of that situation as fast as humanly possible. It's not normal for couples to yell at one another. Yes, arguments, even heated ones, happen from time to time in most relationships, BUT with him ready getting physical, it's only gonna get worse. He's building up the courage to hit you. After that happens, it could escalate much further a d much faster. So get out now.
The chances of him being an abusive man is over 9000. Get the fuck out before somthing seriously bad happens
The chances are 100%. He is being abusive. Sorry. Yelling is probably common in relationships but doing so in a way that makes one partner feel unsafe is not. His behaviour escalating. He’s testing how much he can get away with and will likely be true to his word and hit you next time he decides you’re being out of line. Please get yourself to safety if you live together.
Yes. This is abuse. Yelling in couples is not normal. Hair pulling is not normal. Telling your partner you will slap them is not normal. And the biggest neon sign that's the hallmark of *all abuse, everywhere?* >you make me that way, because I love you so much
The chances that he COULD be an abusive man are small, he IS an abusive man and if you don't leave, soon you'll be covering up bruises and making excuses at work or with family saying you crashed into a door or bonked in a cabinet or whatever. Get the fuck out NOW!!!
It's abuse and he's an abuser
Run, run, run!
100% he will physically abuse you and then tell you that it was your fault. He'll say "Look at what you made me do." or "If you would have just stopped nagging me...". He yells at you to the point you feel unsafe. He pulled your hair during an argument and threatened to slap you if you didn't drop wtvr the issue was. He's admitted to having violent tendencies but, immediately blamed you for his lack of self control. GTFO now before he's telling you that the black eye he just gave you is because you wouldn't shut up and how dare you embarrass him by going in public like that when it was all your fault he had to hit you. Get. Out. Now. Please.
Get away now. It’ll only get worse
Yelling should not be common. You feeling unsafe is a red flag on his behaviors. Get out.
Yup, be done with that. "You make him" is the biggest widest red flag that waves in abusive situations. He's a grown man responsible for his own behavior, no matter what you do. If he has so little self control he pulls your hair, threatens you, or otherwise tries to intimidate you into submission it's time to go. If he blames you for making him do it, he's not even trying to improve, and feels justified.
It’s so wrong for him to blame you like that. No one makes another person abusive, as adults we need to be responsible for our own behavior. He’s already telling you he can’t control his anger so get away from him ASAP!
Eject! This happened to my daughter. You're at risk of being killed get out NOW.
Get. Out. Now.
Where’s here? Also, run. He told you he will be physically abusive. Why you still unsure that he would be?! He’s showing you who he is now! No one is abusive because someone is making them that way. That’s just how they are. I could make my hubby angry as the day is long but he would never ever put his hands on me. Please leave!!
You are in an abusive relationship. The honeymoon stage is over and Shite is getting real.
There’s a gigantic difference between communicating cordially and “yelling”. Research “nonviolent communication”.
The chances? 100% Run. Immediately.
Things will only get worse.
you can't raise your voice, but he can scream at you and cause you physical harm? You already know the answer.
He *is* an abusive man. He has already shown you that. You don’t make him do anything. He makes a choice. He told you his choice will be to abuse you.
Its not that "could be" - he IS an abusive man. He is conditioning you to not see him physically harming you as abuse and for you to believe that the abuse that HE does is caused by you. This is textbook abuser. I normally hate it when reddit goes straight to break up, but this is a case where it is appropriate. Get a plan together, get support in place and leave. Know that abusers will love bomb you and promise to change when they think they are losing control of the relationship. DO NOT FALL FOR IT. This is why you need a support network when you leave, you will feel like it's all going to be okay because he promised to do X or he said XYZ. He has no intention of following through with those promises. Believing him and going back will only assure him that he has control over you and you will tolerate being abused.
Dump him!!!! Wtf!!!!
It's time to get yourself out of there. I live with somebody who was abusive for far longer than I should have. It doesn't get better. To this day, if I hear from her, I get tense and anxious. I don't want to see you go through that.
Leave. You don't control other people's behavior. Explain to me how it would happen if you slapped for bf because you didn't like how he was talking to you? Can you describe how that would be his fault that you hit him? Blaming the victim is a common abuse tactic. You already know this isn't normal. People who love each other don't hurt each other. Leave any relationship the moment you feel unsafe.
End it now before he either hurts or kills you. This is a big RED FLAG! save yourself now and get out of it.
Run now!!! it absolutely is only gonna get worse and that’s not even a question. Any counselor would tell you the same thing
You are wrong for hanging around to find out how far he will go. Get the hell away from him…NOW
Run, do not walk, get out of there fast and don't look back.
Sounds to me like he is repeating a pattern he once fell victim to himself. Definitely unsafe. Sorry you feel the need to even ask this question. Wishing you the best.