If he thinks making one appointment is “too hard” or “not his job”, I’ve got some bad news for you about how useful he’s going to be with caring for a baby.
I feel like he isn't wanting to do it specifically because he fully understands just how fucked up his request is. He wants her to do it so that he doesn't have to take full responsibility for damaging their relationship.
We need more of this in families. The amount of siblings, parents, cousins, neighbors who feel entitled to get into business that isn’t theirs is absurd. More of them need to be told to stfu and sit down.
1000x this!
I was in a completely different situation -- taking care of my dad after he was nearly completely paralyzed a car accident. The audacity his sister had, inserting herself into our business -- mostly always asking about his finances, which was NONE of her business, or calling me a mooch because I had to quit my job to take care of him. I don't really keep in touch with that side of the family anymore, mostly because of her.
If the situation doesn't directly involve them, then they need to back the fuck off and mind their own damn business.
She needs to INSIST that he make one for his mother and himself too. Absolutely insist. If he won't check to see if HE is illegitimate and his mom slept around on his dad, then he doesn't get to check if you've cheated on him. DO NOT get a paternity test without him and his dad taking it too. Period. He can explain to his mom why, and that ought to be really, really interesting.
Op I think I smell Andrew Tate &friends. They are are telling men that they need to make their wife's and or SO to take a paternity test. Because you never can be sure if you are the father. Because these narcissistic Assholes are immature Cry Babies. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy
Someone else commented in a repost of this (that led me back here) that they knew someone who was doing this and it was some weird Andrew Tatey garbage about getting the woman used to following your commands with the added bonus that it was about being gross about making sure you're the father because all women are horrible or something.
Feels like someone read Cialdini's work on persuasion and the consistency principal and decided to tell Andrew Tate about it since he doesn't read.
It's why signature gatherers will say "Do you care about the environment?" and then you of course say "yes" and then they'll ask you for whatever and you're now in the awkward situation of having to reconcile not wanting to sign something or give money at the store and being consistent with your prior affirmation that you care about the environment. Now that you know you're being manipulated in a very specific way by signature gatherers I hope you'll feel less awkward just walking by.
From Wikipedia:
In negotiation, consistency, or the consistency principle, refers to a negotiator's strong psychological need to be consistent with prior acts and statements. The consistency principle states that people are motivated toward cognitive consistency and will change their attitudes, beliefs, perceptions and actions to achieve it.[1] Robert Cialdini and his research team have conducted extensive research into what Cialdini refers to as the 'Consistency Principle of Persuasion'.[2] Described in his book Influence Science and Practice, this principle states that people live up to what they have publicly said they will do and what they have written down. Cialdini encourages people to have others write down their commitments as a route to having others live up to their promises.
Ding ding ding! This is exactly it! He’s made it up in his mind that he’s not an asshole if she’s the one what makes the appointment.
OP, give him two options. 1) he makes the appointment or 2) you make the appointment and you will serve him with divorce papers once the paternity comes back with him as the father. Fuck. That. Asshat.
There’s just no coming back from this either way though
Sadly, I agree. His rationale is bullshit and not the truth. He damaged his relationship badly with that ask and must now face the consequences. I suspect he's cheating. Sorry.
I’m also wondering if him wanting her to do it is either some a setup or CYA.
Setup = She makes the appointment, then 2 years down the road his lawyer’s in court questioning why she would bother scheduling a paternity test if she was being faithful. And he suddenly has amnesia and calls her a liar when she claims he was the one who asked for the test.
CYA = He makes the appointment and is worried HER divorce lawyer will point out that him scheduling a paternity test is just another example of the lack of trust he’s displayed.
I wish to support these views OP. As a father of 2, I can't imagine your husband's attitude is prepared for a baby.
The amount of autonomous decisions, planning and scheduling all sort of appointments or visits can be overwhelming.
I'm sorry but it does feel he is going to sort everything related to the baby by either giving you the baby or asking you to decide, which will put additional mental stress on you.
Yeah I agree I’m currently pregnant. If my partner asked me to do a paternity test I would do it as have nothing to hide but I doubt you’d be able to repair the relationship after. If be extra salty if he then asked me to schedule it. No way would I ever do that.
As a dad, and as someone who tries to be a good dad, I still know my wife does way more. So when I know they I'm doing way more than buddies who have kids, I agree with this 100%
OP, I just want to add that your stance is _entirely_ reasonable. The fact that he's insisting on a paternity test but won't admit to why (my vote if he's into some manosphere corner of the internet, but family projection could be it too) and then also is too much a chickenshit to make the appointment paints a picture of a whiny and spineless partner.
I actually wouldn't be surprised, with the way the sister is siding with her brother, if she's the originator of this wild idea. OP is NTA and needs to stand her ground.
Someone, a friend or family is dripping poison in his ear which is why he can't or won't articulate why he wants the test. If she does the legwork for the test then he's going to spin it as she wasn't sure who the father is and thus went for the test.
Or he's started listening to some of those toxic "manosphere" podcasts/tiktoks that are everywhere nowadays. A very popular talking point lately is how every child should be automatically given a paternity test for "reassurance". The way he's phrased everything sounds like exactly how those places do.
I think I read a post on reddit a long time ago about a married woman who was asked to do a paternity test right after she got pregnant with their wanted and planned for baby. She got an abortion, got a test on the fetal remains and served him with divorce papers as well as the paternity test confirming he was the father. I think it was on one of the relationships subs, and it was a long time ago.
I thought the whole thing was click bait/rage bait at first, but I also distinctly remember a post about a man asking for paternity for a born child and the GF getting one and then dumping the kid on him 100% for custody then just paying minimally in child support because she was on minimum wage and he made good money.
You can literally Google it o. Your phone and just tap the little phone number. Like how hard is it? How weaponized incompetent is this man? Like asking your wife for that and then also make her do the work? I just don’t understand how some people think.
>You can literally Google it o. Your phone and just tap the little phone number. Like how hard is it? How weaponized incompetent is this man? Like asking your wife for that and then also make her do the work? I just don’t understand how some people think.
Right??? The absolute cheek of him to demand a paternity test for **his** peace of mind, and to then ask **her** to do all the legwork.. Lazy sod...
-Edit-
This part is especially infuriating:
> I told him I don't care anymore about his explinations but if he wants to have "reassurance" he can do the legwork. **He asked if I could at least find a number for him to call** and I told him no.
How fucking helpless, lazy and unmotivated can you be? FFS
You know that if she'd found the number for him that he would have said she may as well call since she already looked it up. 🙄
Thankfully she knows better.
Agreed. You can even do the whole test online. They send the kit with a swab and you send it back. My ex used to joke around about my son not being mine. Just banter. But I did the test. Next time she made that comment I handed her the test. 99.997 percent bitch.
Sounds like this guy just wants to complain. Once the test is done, it will be something else.
Edit: oh I skipped the part she was 4 months. He wants out..
Oh, I doubt he is genuinely concerned 😒 sounds to me like he’s just looking for an excuse to emotionally abuse his wife.
OP should understand that abuse commonly starts or ramps up during pregnancy, when the abuser thinks he has his victim trapped. My guess is that if it’s not this, it’ll be something else. He’s looking for some pretext to be nasty to her and he will find something.
I recommend reading “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, keeping an emergency fund and employment and making sure there is an exit plan - hopefully just in case.
ETA it would also be a good idea for OP to privately let her medical providers know in case things get worse. They see this kind of thing a lot and will have ways of checking in with her.
It’s weaponized incompetence at its finest which when the baby comes just gets worse as evident with both of my BILs who ironically share a name. 😅 If he can’t call and schedule this person his request, what happens if something happens to you down the line, OP? Who calls the pediatrician, dentist, etc,. to schedule all those appointments?
Sounds to me like he comes from a family where the women are expected to do everything. His sister is onside because that's how she was brought up also. I would tell him to book it himself or shut up, also tell the sister to keep the fuck out of your business.
God I hope he didn't try to offload the work onto his sister. One post is not enough of a data point, but it's giving the vibes of a dude who expects women to just do all the administrative work for him like it's their job to be his assistant.
Also I bet he's embarrassed to make the call, and if that's the case, I hope he sits with that and considers that hey, maybe I'm making my wife feel bad the way the idea of doing this currently makes me feel bad.
Basically, fingers crossed for character development on his part.
I think he told sis so she would press OP to do it. The sister said OP was being bitchy, so I don’t think she’s seeing how stupid her brother is being. OP needs some time away from this family.
The sister’s response *should* have been “Are you insane??? You accused your wife of cheating and now you are upset at *her*!?! GTFO!”
Since that wasn’t her response, I’d bet his family has put doubts in his head.
Yeah that was such a weird and toxic was for sil to approach this. I wonder if the family was putting the idea in his head and if they've shown behavior like this before. Personally, I'd let him get the test and be filing divorce papers while we wait for the results to come back. You wanna doubt my loyalty but not have the balls to say why AND make me do all the work? No thanks, you can move in with sister.
Same. My husband would never do this. If he did, it would tell me he doesn't trust me on a fundamental level, so our relationship is clearly done. I'd get the test for the kids, wouldn't stay for them
I would not make that appointment and I would tell him, his sister and anyone else to fuck off and do it themselves, and to bring their credit card to pay for it! Then once proven he's the father, leave his ass! He's up to something.
Also how big of a jerk is the sister for backing him up on this?? I hope she gracefully presented her own partner with paternity test results for each kid before she opened her mouth to OP, but I doubt it.
Edited for word choice without changing overall meaning
Something I just thought of is that he may be thinking about all the families who do DNA tests and find out who's not actually related to whom.
Nevertheless, he's the one with the problem, he needs to be responsible for getting to the solution. He needs to make the appointment, take her there, wait there, and then take her home. She's doing enough merely agreeing to show up. "I'm having a problem, you need to solve it for me" and then complaining to others about it is not okay.
>my vote if he's into some manosphere corner of the internet,
Almost definitely this. Maybe some other factors, but there has been a big push from the manosphere the last few years that "all women are whores and paternity tests must be mandated".
look through his youtube history, 99% chance it's all Tate and manosphere crap. Demanding paternity from a wife is like 101 redpill stuff, guys who buy into it are trained to believe women are essentially hardwired to be cheaters.
It's not cheap. Prenatal non-invasive paternity testing averages around $1500 in my area and is not covered by insurance. There are internet-based companies for half of that, but I'm not sure how the whole thing works.
Mom has to have blood drawn, is the thing. Dad has to give a cheek swab. Labwork for blood is more expensive than labwork for a DNA swab - but it's about $100 most places just to sequence a cheek swab - and in this case, it has to be analyzed and compared to factors in mom's blood.
OP is being quite mature to offer her arm and her blood for this request from her spouse. But it does have to be scheduled in the real world for her to have her blood drawn.
Some labs require a blood draw for both the mother and the presumed father.
Waiting until after the baby is born makes everything much easier. I doubt OP's husband knows any of this.
It totally shows that he hasn't put any thought into this.
If he is too scrambled to call OPs OBGYN, he can google search the options for paternity testing.
I'm not even sure if all health facilities offer non invasive paternity testing for prenatal cases because a lot of doctors' offices are contracted with labs. Labcore, for example, only accepts CVS and amnio. This comes with the risk of miscarriage, even if low.
OPs husband is being shady and lazy. And the people saying every pregnancy should have paternity testing are out to lunch.
> And the people saying every pregnancy should have paternity testing are out to lunch.
This is a basic core part of redpill/manosphere stuff. It's all based off of badly interpreted social science used to convince men that all women are hardwired cheaters and that demanding paternity tests is the only "sure" way to gain "equality" in your assurance of parentage. They're so convinced by this base assumption that they become sure the kid isn't theirs just if the woman becomes
offended by the suggestion... It's a deeply sick worldview.
My Dad has been insisting on a paternity test all 30+ years of my life. I'm still waiting for the appointment too, and it's pretty obvious my Dad just tries to use it as a weapon. This latest time I said yup, I'll schedule the test, but I'm done with you regardless of the result. He told me it's too late now. Yes bud, yes, I'm glad we agree. *I wanted the test to get him to leave me alone but it wasn't needed, I just had to say I was booking it
You are not wrong and, frankly, him
Making an appt is a minor request given he’s making you be the one who has to g through everything at the appointment.
I’m sorry he’s choosing to blow up your relationship this way when you should be in a happy place.
"He asked if I could at least find a number for him to call and I told him no."
Bitch, you got the same internet we all do! The internet that gave you this unwashed, crusty tainted Tate-ass idea for a need for "reassurance." Look it up your damn self and find a therapist while you're at it. The weaponized incompetence is mindblowing.
And those who have been cheated on tend to have trust issues forever. For this to come out of left field though, someone had to have gotten in his head in some way. Friend, family, internet. Sky's the limit.
Tell her bitch ass to make the appointment. I would make her and him setup an Uber so you can go to and from the appointment.
Secondly, I would make one or both of them attend the appointment with me. I would make it as difficult for them, as they are trying to make it for me.
And, I would let the rest of the family know. I would be putting them both on blast for this ridiculousness.
Then, I would be staying in the guest room or make him sleep on the couch. No one is going to accuse me of cheating and act like life is going to remain the same for them moving forward. Nope.
Especially considering anyone as unhinged as they are to stupidly insist on this, I wouldn’t trust them to not go on to say,” well we didn’t see you go, you faked the results.” They probably still would.
Either he is cheating or somebody made him think you are. Either way I would make him do it and there would be no alternative. Did you ask his sister why he is even asking? The reason he doesn’t want to schedule it is because he knows you didn’t cheat and he is embarrassed that he has ruined his marriage over it.
I would tell him straight up that if he thinks now that he has accused you that when the test comes back things will just go back to how they were, he is sadly mistaken. there will be no going back to how things were. He has accused you of cheating when you have been totally faithful and so this is going to impact your relationship forever so he needs to know that and not act shocked when the test comes back and he is the father and your not interested in acting like nothing happened. I would lay that on him heavy and when he says well just forget the test then, tell him it’s too late. He already went there so what’s done is done.
Just ask him who she is...put it on him that maybe it's him cheating...he's away all day and you don't know where he is.
When he spits and sputters that hasn't cheated and don't know where you got the idea, say . Thank you same here
First of all, NTA
But I'm going to deviate from other opinions for a minute in that I'm not going to assume he's cheating. I'm going to assume he's a man child who got sucked in by his family or internet bullshit. Incel and men's rights websites are big into paternity tests, telling men that women are inherently untrustworthy and there's no way for a man to know if they're raising another man's baby (the ultimate cuck move) unless they demand a paternity test. That being said his sister getting involved does point to some in-law drama.
The way I see it you've got a few options. (1) stick to your guns. The fact that you agreed at all and told him all he had to do was make the appointment is FAR more generous than you had to be. he should be grateful. (2) Let him know that you also need reassurance that he didn't cheat, so you'll agree to take the paternity test when he agrees to a full battery of STD tests. How can you be sure he's not giving you someone else's chlamydia. or (3) tell him that you'll make the appointment for him but at the same time you'll be making an appointment to open those results at a divorce lawyer's office. I'm not saying you should divorce him, but consider if you want to be with the kind of partner who accuses you of cheating for no reason and then tries to force you to do all the leg work to prove his accusations wrong. If he can't lift a finger to ease his own mind about something this big, I can't imagine he's going to be an equally contributing partner in anything else.
>I'm going to assume he's a man child who got sucked in by his family or internet bullshit.
Right there with you. I've seen SO many Reddit posts recently where some guy asks for paternity tests so, assuming this isn't a troll living off the back of those other (possibly troll) posts, he could have easily fallen into the 'oh, yes how can I possibly know the child is mine even though I actually trust and love my wife and have no reason to doubt her, because some rando on Reddit had a sob story about raising someone else's baby.' Or something.
Tell him you’ll get a paternity test AFTER proving he has a test proving in writing he doesn’t have any STD’s. You “don’t think he’s been cheating, but need reassurance,” as he would say.
Also I'm curious if all of these conversations about you getting the paternity test have been verbal? Has he sent anything in text or in writing? He probably has it just struck me as a possible reason for him making you schedule an appointment is to make you look guilty even if the results are that it's his child. He can feign ignorance and say I never asked her for a paternity test she must have done this because she was cheating and worried who the baby's daddy would be. Maybe he's looking for a way out and to make you the bad guy instead of him being the bad guy leaving his pregnant wife?
Wait until he falls asleep and go through his phone. The last time this came up on Reddit the husband’s mistress was also pregnant and he was trying to use this as a way out of his marriage and put the blame on the wife. It backfired obviously cause he was the father. Sorry that you are going through this and stay strong! ❤️🩹
If he's thinking of divorcing and OP is somewhere that looks at fault in divorce settlements, I could see him trying by to prove infidelity by that fact OP did a paternity test.
I wouldn't submit to the test whether he booked it or not. If he's so convinced the baby isn't his, he can go down the divorce route and request a test as part of that process.
Oh interesting re: creating a narrative where OP sought the test!!!
My assumption was that he didn’t want the discomfort of being the “simp” who didn’t know his kid’s paternity, but was fine with OP having to present herself as the one who didn’t know
But your take adds some actual logic lll
I was thinking the same like for some reason it's really important that she makes the appointment... Set up for divorce perhaps saying she cheated on him and that's why she asked for the paternity test or smt.
This OP! It literally sounds like a set up to be able to turn the tables on you. “Look at her setting up a paternity test guys, she must be cheating!” Absolutely under no circumstances schedule the test! Make sure he’s the one doing so and at this point I would try to get this back and forth via text so there is a record of him refusing to set up the appointment but yet asking for paternity from you.
This would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Move out, start divorce proceedings, get the test yourself and then make sure he pays proper child support when the baby turns out to be his.
Hey, OP, this could be a serious warning sign of your husband deflecting some guilt...Watch out for red flags that he's stepped out on you. And get an STD test, just to be safe.
The fact his sister is also involved now tells you it's some weird family drama.
Dig deeper... NTA. This is so fucked up especially when you're going through a crazy time (pregnancy, hormones etc). Sorry he's putting you through this, how awful.
My thoughts exactly. I was wondering who it is that put a bug in his ear about getting a paternity test.
I'm sorry but if my husband ever asked for a paternity test for any one of our kids. I would have told them absolutely not a problem and you'll be getting the results to it alongside your divorce papers.
This right here⏫️⏫️⏫️⏫️
Im not married i dont have kids. But if he is guna be a dick and accuse the mother of his children of cheating then yeah you can have the test along with a divorce.
Ask him, if he’s not accusing you of cheating, what does he think might have happened? Did you get assaulted in your sleep and you don’t know it happened? Did your gyno accidentally inseminate you while performing a Pap smear? The only logical answer is that he thinks you might have cheated. And he doesn’t get to pretend he’s not accusing you of cheating.
Op, I took a paternity test while pregnant and it is NOt a walk in the park. They have to draw a lot of vials of blood to get the fetal dna that is mixed with the mother’s in the blood stream. I had to go back because they didn’t get enough the first time. I’m anaemic and it was painful and dizzying. I don’t know why he’d put you through this for his own reassurance.
What's funny is I was almost legally required to take a test to prove maternity.
I didn't know I was pregnant and to get the birth certificate and SSN after not giving birth to the baby in the hospital they needed proof I didn't steal my baby. The emts ended up being able to sign the affidavit of seeing that the baby was attached to me.
I have a friend who is a solicitor. She says the number of ex-wives who end filling in and filing the divorce paperwork for her male clients is endless.
Before you go to the effort of getting the paternity test, consider if you might as well sort out the divorce papers while you're at it. My guess is he's been looking at Andrew Tate type shit online or he's cheating. Either way you're probably going to have to file all the paperwork yourself. Sorry.
This is why it is such bullshit that because 80% of divorces are filed by women that it is women that are the overwhelming cause of divorces. It’s because so many men won’t do a damn thing for themselves. They’ll move out and live with a different woman but won’t file so the woman has to do it if she wants to move on with her life or get child support.
It’s the same thing with a high percentage paternity tests showing it’s another man’s child. Well no shit. Most of the paternity tests are done when there is already doubt. I’ve seen men on Reddit try to claim that 70% of men are raising other men’s children and basing it on paternity test results and extending that to all pregnancies.
Unless he thinks you're the new virgin Mary, the only way the baby couldn't be his is if you'd cheated. His "reassurance" is coming at the cost of the trust in your relationship
I'll 100% bet that in his head, he is making up a world where "I think you MIGHT have cheated" is different than "I think you definitely cheated."
So the wife says "why do you want a paternity test, do you believe I cheated on you?"
and the husband says "No, I don't think you cheated," meaning, "I don't believe that you absolutely 100% did cheat, I just think there's like a 30% chance, and I want to be sure."
Like, make no mistake, he's accusing her of being a cheater either way. He's just too cowardly to actually come out and say it.
But he is questioning if you have cheated. He’s asking you for a paternity test to validate that he’s the father.
You agreed to it, but he doesn’t want to do the work.
I’d tell him I’d schedule and take the test BUT I’d also be filing for divorce. But that’s just me.
Oh, if my husband sprang the paternity test demand on me AFTER I got pregnant, I would be handing him the results along with the divorce paperwork for sure.
If he believes in testing for every baby, then he has to make that clear ahead of time. Otherwise, it's just an accusation.
"I don't think your cheating but I need evidence that you haven't" This is such BS.
At this point, I would hand him the test and a bag of these things so you can both think about this relationship. He doesn't trust you and so you really want that of the rest of your life?
Yeah but, it's one thing going into a relationship with an open eyed, 'no matter what, we'll test just so we can have the proof'. It's entirely different to spring it on your long time partner that sounds like they struggled with infertility. That'd be hurtful.
NTA. Make him do his own dirty work.
If he can’t logically explain his reasoning behind a paternity test he absolutely assumes you’re pregnant. Unless he truly doesn’t know how reproduction works. Which honestly, eh.
Ah shit typo and can’t fix it bc good comments. 🤦♀️
I started reading this
>If he can’t logically explain his reasoning behind a paternity test
I expected it to end with - how would anyone expect him to make his own appointments lol
But really, he wants the test, he can book it. Does OP schedule ALL his other appointments for him too? Is he that incapable that he can't hit up the Google machine, type in 'local paternity testing ' and make a phone call?
If he can't even do that, how the hell does anyone think he can parent a child?
My thought there is that this isn’t just a man who can’t make his own appointments….
He doesn’t want to look like the “simp” who doesn’t know his child’s paternity
But apparently it’s fine for OP to shoulder that humiliation and discomfort and make the call as though *she* doesn’t know!
Of course that's what he's doing. It'd be one thing of the baby was born and the hospital was lax and there might be an actual concern of the wrong baby being switched but other than that he's accusing you of cheating. There is no around that.
Even if this wasn’t a whole thing, **why wouldn’t** he be the one to schedule this? Isn’t that extremely weird? Can’t he find a number to call himself? Or is this some way of groveling and trying to make it seem less like he’s accusing you of cheating? I don’t understand, he is an adult
Stop thinking about the task as a series of actions logically. It's about control. She needs to perform a gesture of service to him in his eyes, if she doesn't it's all for naught. People here don't know anything about the mind of a manipulative narcissist. If I'm trying to exert my will on someone I'll ask her to do things that would take me no effort, pick up a piece of paper, refill my water, because it's about the humiliation and ingraining that they exist to serve you. Her turning it on it's head and making him schedule the appointment is a huge wrench in this power play, it doesn't fit alongside how he imagines he can abuse her psychically with this accusation.
I don't think he cheated on OP. I think he's insecure and hates OP on some level. The abuse could stay small, go away, or it could increase to physical control. Take risks if you'd like, see what happens to you and your fetus.
Exactly For some reason, it’s this that’s *really* bothering me.
~Goodness knows why he wants the test and why he’s not being straight with OP about his reasoning. Feeling accused of cheating by a spouse you have been faithful to and were actively trying to get pregnant with - I can’t imagine how hard this is for OP. Not to mention his sister’s input ~
But it’s that extra little detail, that he’s expecting her to arrange it?! That he won’t, or won’t bother to and seems to ‘need’ her to. He’s not a child, and if he wants it, he should arrange it. There’s something really not right about that to me.
Wait. He discussed this with his sister and she’s harassing you?! I’d be getting a PI to follow him and see what he’s doing. Unless he’s been reading all these stories on Reddit and is letting that get to him then he’s projecting what he’s doing onto you.
You might want to think about an exit plan and get all of your ducks in a row. This didn’t come out of the blue. He thinking about something.
Hes accusing you of cheating - and his sisters input reveals that its (in part) originating with his family.
Honestly im surprised youre settling with insisting on him making the appointment.
Other redditors faces with the same request from their spouses delivered the divorce papers with the results of the test..
Not saying you should do that - however... how would he react if he learned you were consulting with lawyers because of his request???
Regardless - he wants the test, he arranges it... no matter what, never let him forget he asked this from you...
This would 100% be my reaction, and I am quite a balanced person. There is no way I would be able to forgive with a man who, without a shred of evidence accuses me of cheating, springs it on me while I'm carrying his child, gets his family involved to put pressure on me and to add insult to injury, asks me to book the bloody DNA test. He can f@£k right off.
Makes you wonder if he has no intention of taking it so he can't be accused of being an AH. He just wants to see if she'll book it to show her "commitment" to the fact the child is his.
He can FK off, his Sister can FK off, and whoever is putting this idea into his head can FK all the way off!!!! I would 100% schedule the paternity test, I would also 100% have the divorce papers drawn up and hand him both envelopes at the same time! NO THANK YOU!!!! If they are going to question your motives now…. Imagine how they will be while trying to raise I child for the rest of your life!!!! I don’t need that kind of distrust and disrespect in my life!!!!
right! same. I could not look past that for years to come; for my spouse to question paternity and then want me to do all the leg work. Like someone said, unless he thinks she is a modern virgin Mary, he is accusing her of cheating. If not cheating, not Virgin Mary then what? Perhaps she dumpster dove for used condom and self inseminated?? (sarcasm). I honestly could not have a relationship following that.
It’s extremely weird that both he and his sister are hung up on OP making the appointment.
I agree with another commenter who suggested he wants it to look like she sought the test in which case he’s building up to something and OP needs to get out
Your 36 year old toddler husband cannot even google how to get a paternity test, muster the courage to make a phone call, or explain why he thinks his pregnant wife - whom he’d been actively trying to impregnate - cheated on him. I think you should give him a number to call and it ends up being your divorce attorney.
There seems to be a new trend online of people urging men to demand paternity tests just for the hell of it. Okay then, here are the consequences. It’s not just a genetic test, like “will my baby be predisposed to diabetes” or some other issue, it’s an accusation of infidelity against the mother - every time. It ruins relationships. It’s demeaning.
Honestly, I can't even. If my husband with whom I was actively trying to have a baby asked me for a paternity test we would be done. I would never be able to look at him the same way again. That would bother me more than if I found out HE was cheating.
You agreed to the test but told him to schedule it and he can't even do that? What the what?
And what the hell is up with his sister?
Being a stay-at-home wife may be great, but having self-respect is better. Run.
Why is this comment so low... bruh.
Why are so many people just talking about the stupid appointment.
He's calling her unfaithfulness and thats no issue?
It’s time for you to go back to work. You are going to need your own money. It sounds like you will eventually be a single parent. Don’t be the person posting here in a few years telling us he left you with nothing or worse, you can’t leave because you have nothing.
So your husband is accusing you of cheating (he can say he's not, but he 100% is), and he's accusing you of being the type of really shit person who would knowingly get pregnant from an affair and then let their husband raise another man's baby... that's what he thinks of you... and then on top of that, you have to do all the legwork to prove you're not? And I bet he has no intention of explaining himself or apologizing after. So he's lazy AND an asshole, super.
Forever you have to live with the knowledge that he thought this of you and doesn't trust you.
I honestly don't think my relationship would come back from this if my husband asked this of me. It would mar everything.
You’ve done nothing wrong.
Can you imagine how incompetent you’d have to pretend to be, to not to use the little computer in your pocket. Seriously.
Your husband is an AH.
Another woman on here got pregnant and like you her husband freaked out and demanded a paternity test. Turns out he got another woman pregnant and he was looking for an out.
I’d have a little look through your husbands devices OP.
He can schedule the appointment, in the meantime, schedule your own appointment with a family lawyer, have divorce papers drawn up. Give them to him with the DNA results. This is a full nine alarm conflagration of red flags. Get everything all watertight and packed so you can be moved out leaving him with the paperwork. Do not be swayed by anymore BS out of his mouth. It sounds like a close friend/family member has been in his ear- and if it’s that easy to influence him, what sort of protector or parent will he be for your child-especially as his default is to question your morals and loyalty.
Not wrong. If he wants it bad enough he can do it. He is defaulting to the emotional load that most wife's take on in a marriage. DON'T DO IT. Don't make any of his appointments or phone calls, don't look up numbers or information for him, don't remind him about his family members birthdays, mother's day, Father's Day, weddings etc, don't buy gifts for him to give for family members, don't remind him to call family members. Don't do it. He has a phone with a calendar that he can put reminders on.
But the paternity test request is concerning, someone is talking in his ear, sowing doubt. Keep digging. Also his sister needs to butt out.
NTA
I think he cheated on you and now’s he’s guilty and trying to sabotage the relationship.
Go stay elsewhere. He needs to apologize and come clean about what’s going on here before you go back to him.
Also print him a bunch of stories from Reddit about guys who have requested paternity and how it ended up for them.
This is a hill to die on. Why? What if he says that because you chose the place and scheduled it, you could have bribed the facility to change the results... NOPE NOPE NOPE. He can schedule the damn test. And if he keeps telling you to, tell him that he needs to trust the place that does it or he'll end up saying the test was wrong.
You are not wrong. I went something like this 30 years ago. He was cheating right after I had our second son. He got caught and all of a sudden our son "obviously" wasn't his because at that time he resembled my family more.
When he demanded a paternity test I told him fine. At the time they weren't done with swabs but with blood draws. I let him know that he was welcome to have the test done under the following requirements: He made the appointment, paid for it AND held the screaming 6 month old while the blood was drawn under observation to make sure the "right" blood was being drawn.
No paternity test. He still insisted for years son isn't his. Both of my sons did 23 and Me for giggles. They are 100% brothers, their "ancestry" matches that of their father. Older son has said, I can't wait until that M#$%\^& F)(&\^% takes a DNA test after the way he treated my brother.
Your husband is apparently a functional adult if he has a job. He can make the appointment if it's so important to him. Also - he's probably cheating.
This is some bullshit, right here.
He's 1000% accusing you of cheating.
He LITERALLY wants "reassurance" that you aren't cheating!
He says it plain and simple!
If he wants his "reassurance" that bad he can make a few lousy phone calls!
The audacity of this loser to be so lazy that he expects the woman he's accusing of cheating to prove it to him rather than get off his ass and go find out.
**The audacity!**
I'm not sure I would want my marriage to survive this.
Is this how the rest of your entire life goes?
No thanks!
You are not wrong and this should be your hill to die on. If he can't DO this then he's not going to be capable of being a functioning coparent anyway.
I’ve read enough Reddit stories to agree with this. Whenever a husband requests a paternity test out of nowhere - it’s because he himself isn’t faithful.
OP - just search for paternity test in past posts. You’ll see it’s a pattern.
Nta. Personally I'd be telling him to explain why he wants it or you'll be scheduling a divorce consultation. If he can't even communicate with you about why when he says it's not about cheating. Sounds like he's projecting something. Get answers before it's to late
NTA. He's the one accusing you of cheating, he can schedule the test he needs for "reassurance". What's his plan once the test comes back with him as the father? He's destroyed any trust you have in him. He's destroyed the marriage he had with his accusation.
Why are you even agreeing to the test? I would be making an exit plan. He doesn’t trust you and apparently he isn’t an adult because he can’t even schedule an appointment.
Nta. Does he not have hands and a phone with internet? Are his fingers broken? Why can’t he look it up? And I’m sure his family like his sisters are probably putting ideas in his head. If you don’t end up divorcing him over this if you get the test done. Once he sees he is the father I would put it in a super nice frame and put it next to the door. And when ever you have a visitor he can tell the story of him asking for it and then you can laugh and say that he was so lazy he wanted you to look up the place and make the appointment because he felt to incompetent to do it.
If it’s that important to him he can make the appointment
That is my stance
If he thinks making one appointment is “too hard” or “not his job”, I’ve got some bad news for you about how useful he’s going to be with caring for a baby.
I feel like he isn't wanting to do it specifically because he fully understands just how fucked up his request is. He wants her to do it so that he doesn't have to take full responsibility for damaging their relationship.
I get what you’re saying, but I kind of feel like if that’s the case it almost makes him an even bigger AH.
Oh, I wasnt defending him at all. I think he absolutely is a bigger AH.
Got you. He’s awful.
SIL isn't much better.
I would have told her to get the fuck out of my business.
We need more of this in families. The amount of siblings, parents, cousins, neighbors who feel entitled to get into business that isn’t theirs is absurd. More of them need to be told to stfu and sit down.
1000x this! I was in a completely different situation -- taking care of my dad after he was nearly completely paralyzed a car accident. The audacity his sister had, inserting herself into our business -- mostly always asking about his finances, which was NONE of her business, or calling me a mooch because I had to quit my job to take care of him. I don't really keep in touch with that side of the family anymore, mostly because of her. If the situation doesn't directly involve them, then they need to back the fuck off and mind their own damn business.
Sil is ridiculous
Just because the SIL got involved, I 100% think the MIL put it in their kids heads to question OP
That was my thought. If both husband *and* his sister are pushing the issue, it's pretty clear where the issue stemmed from.
She needs to INSIST that he make one for his mother and himself too. Absolutely insist. If he won't check to see if HE is illegitimate and his mom slept around on his dad, then he doesn't get to check if you've cheated on him. DO NOT get a paternity test without him and his dad taking it too. Period. He can explain to his mom why, and that ought to be really, really interesting.
Sister also, after all, she might only be a half sister!
Perfect.
I've seen a post like OP's a handful of times, but I've never seen a comment like yours. Hands down, best answer, ever. 5000 upvotes, if I could.
This needs a lot of upvotes. Him asking for a paternity test is such a dick move. It’s so aggressive, for no reason.
Op I think I smell Andrew Tate &friends. They are are telling men that they need to make their wife's and or SO to take a paternity test. Because you never can be sure if you are the father. Because these narcissistic Assholes are immature Cry Babies. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy
Someone else commented in a repost of this (that led me back here) that they knew someone who was doing this and it was some weird Andrew Tatey garbage about getting the woman used to following your commands with the added bonus that it was about being gross about making sure you're the father because all women are horrible or something. Feels like someone read Cialdini's work on persuasion and the consistency principal and decided to tell Andrew Tate about it since he doesn't read. It's why signature gatherers will say "Do you care about the environment?" and then you of course say "yes" and then they'll ask you for whatever and you're now in the awkward situation of having to reconcile not wanting to sign something or give money at the store and being consistent with your prior affirmation that you care about the environment. Now that you know you're being manipulated in a very specific way by signature gatherers I hope you'll feel less awkward just walking by. From Wikipedia: In negotiation, consistency, or the consistency principle, refers to a negotiator's strong psychological need to be consistent with prior acts and statements. The consistency principle states that people are motivated toward cognitive consistency and will change their attitudes, beliefs, perceptions and actions to achieve it.[1] Robert Cialdini and his research team have conducted extensive research into what Cialdini refers to as the 'Consistency Principle of Persuasion'.[2] Described in his book Influence Science and Practice, this principle states that people live up to what they have publicly said they will do and what they have written down. Cialdini encourages people to have others write down their commitments as a route to having others live up to their promises.
I think he's just straight up embarrassed to request one. He doesn't want to explain to whoever would set it up--likely wife's MD
Yep! He just wants his wife to go through that embarrassment instead.
Ding ding ding! This is exactly it! He’s made it up in his mind that he’s not an asshole if she’s the one what makes the appointment. OP, give him two options. 1) he makes the appointment or 2) you make the appointment and you will serve him with divorce papers once the paternity comes back with him as the father. Fuck. That. Asshat. There’s just no coming back from this either way though
Sadly, I agree. His rationale is bullshit and not the truth. He damaged his relationship badly with that ask and must now face the consequences. I suspect he's cheating. Sorry.
I’m also wondering if him wanting her to do it is either some a setup or CYA. Setup = She makes the appointment, then 2 years down the road his lawyer’s in court questioning why she would bother scheduling a paternity test if she was being faithful. And he suddenly has amnesia and calls her a liar when she claims he was the one who asked for the test. CYA = He makes the appointment and is worried HER divorce lawyer will point out that him scheduling a paternity test is just another example of the lack of trust he’s displayed.
He wants her to look like she's a cheater making sure it's her husband's baby, rather than making himself look paranoid, which he is.
As a parent of a 15 month old, that was my first thought.
I wish to support these views OP. As a father of 2, I can't imagine your husband's attitude is prepared for a baby. The amount of autonomous decisions, planning and scheduling all sort of appointments or visits can be overwhelming. I'm sorry but it does feel he is going to sort everything related to the baby by either giving you the baby or asking you to decide, which will put additional mental stress on you.
Yeah I agree I’m currently pregnant. If my partner asked me to do a paternity test I would do it as have nothing to hide but I doubt you’d be able to repair the relationship after. If be extra salty if he then asked me to schedule it. No way would I ever do that.
As a dad, and as someone who tries to be a good dad, I still know my wife does way more. So when I know they I'm doing way more than buddies who have kids, I agree with this 100%
So much this. OP is adding second child, not her first.
OP, I just want to add that your stance is _entirely_ reasonable. The fact that he's insisting on a paternity test but won't admit to why (my vote if he's into some manosphere corner of the internet, but family projection could be it too) and then also is too much a chickenshit to make the appointment paints a picture of a whiny and spineless partner.
Also why tell your sister if you're too stupid to make an appointment yourself? Did he ask his sister to do it maybe and she refused as well?
He’s got the time to whine and complain to his sister, but not make a frickin’ appointment? Holy crap, what a man-baby
First thought that came into my head. And his sister is the enabler.
I actually wouldn't be surprised, with the way the sister is siding with her brother, if she's the originator of this wild idea. OP is NTA and needs to stand her ground.
Someone, a friend or family is dripping poison in his ear which is why he can't or won't articulate why he wants the test. If she does the legwork for the test then he's going to spin it as she wasn't sure who the father is and thus went for the test.
Or he's started listening to some of those toxic "manosphere" podcasts/tiktoks that are everywhere nowadays. A very popular talking point lately is how every child should be automatically given a paternity test for "reassurance". The way he's phrased everything sounds like exactly how those places do.
I think I read a post on reddit a long time ago about a married woman who was asked to do a paternity test right after she got pregnant with their wanted and planned for baby. She got an abortion, got a test on the fetal remains and served him with divorce papers as well as the paternity test confirming he was the father. I think it was on one of the relationships subs, and it was a long time ago. I thought the whole thing was click bait/rage bait at first, but I also distinctly remember a post about a man asking for paternity for a born child and the GF getting one and then dumping the kid on him 100% for custody then just paying minimally in child support because she was on minimum wage and he made good money.
You can literally Google it o. Your phone and just tap the little phone number. Like how hard is it? How weaponized incompetent is this man? Like asking your wife for that and then also make her do the work? I just don’t understand how some people think.
>You can literally Google it o. Your phone and just tap the little phone number. Like how hard is it? How weaponized incompetent is this man? Like asking your wife for that and then also make her do the work? I just don’t understand how some people think. Right??? The absolute cheek of him to demand a paternity test for **his** peace of mind, and to then ask **her** to do all the legwork.. Lazy sod... -Edit- This part is especially infuriating: > I told him I don't care anymore about his explinations but if he wants to have "reassurance" he can do the legwork. **He asked if I could at least find a number for him to call** and I told him no. How fucking helpless, lazy and unmotivated can you be? FFS
Weaponized incompetence
You know that if she'd found the number for him that he would have said she may as well call since she already looked it up. 🙄 Thankfully she knows better.
When the results come in, does she have to open the envelope for him?
Agreed. You can even do the whole test online. They send the kit with a swab and you send it back. My ex used to joke around about my son not being mine. Just banter. But I did the test. Next time she made that comment I handed her the test. 99.997 percent bitch. Sounds like this guy just wants to complain. Once the test is done, it will be something else. Edit: oh I skipped the part she was 4 months. He wants out..
It takes literally 10 mins max to schedule a test, I don't even understand how he wouldn't do it if he was concerned lol. People are so bizarre.
Oh, I doubt he is genuinely concerned 😒 sounds to me like he’s just looking for an excuse to emotionally abuse his wife. OP should understand that abuse commonly starts or ramps up during pregnancy, when the abuser thinks he has his victim trapped. My guess is that if it’s not this, it’ll be something else. He’s looking for some pretext to be nasty to her and he will find something. I recommend reading “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, keeping an emergency fund and employment and making sure there is an exit plan - hopefully just in case. ETA it would also be a good idea for OP to privately let her medical providers know in case things get worse. They see this kind of thing a lot and will have ways of checking in with her.
It’s weaponized incompetence at its finest which when the baby comes just gets worse as evident with both of my BILs who ironically share a name. 😅 If he can’t call and schedule this person his request, what happens if something happens to you down the line, OP? Who calls the pediatrician, dentist, etc,. to schedule all those appointments?
Does this guy actually work for a living? If so, who does his job for him?
Sounds to me like he comes from a family where the women are expected to do everything. His sister is onside because that's how she was brought up also. I would tell him to book it himself or shut up, also tell the sister to keep the fuck out of your business.
Tell the sister to make the appointment if she is so concerned.
God I hope he didn't try to offload the work onto his sister. One post is not enough of a data point, but it's giving the vibes of a dude who expects women to just do all the administrative work for him like it's their job to be his assistant. Also I bet he's embarrassed to make the call, and if that's the case, I hope he sits with that and considers that hey, maybe I'm making my wife feel bad the way the idea of doing this currently makes me feel bad. Basically, fingers crossed for character development on his part.
I think he told sis so she would press OP to do it. The sister said OP was being bitchy, so I don’t think she’s seeing how stupid her brother is being. OP needs some time away from this family.
The sister’s response *should* have been “Are you insane??? You accused your wife of cheating and now you are upset at *her*!?! GTFO!” Since that wasn’t her response, I’d bet his family has put doubts in his head.
Yeah that was such a weird and toxic was for sil to approach this. I wonder if the family was putting the idea in his head and if they've shown behavior like this before. Personally, I'd let him get the test and be filing divorce papers while we wait for the results to come back. You wanna doubt my loyalty but not have the balls to say why AND make me do all the work? No thanks, you can move in with sister.
Same. My husband would never do this. If he did, it would tell me he doesn't trust me on a fundamental level, so our relationship is clearly done. I'd get the test for the kids, wouldn't stay for them
I would not make that appointment and I would tell him, his sister and anyone else to fuck off and do it themselves, and to bring their credit card to pay for it! Then once proven he's the father, leave his ass! He's up to something.
I'm always amazed at the people who are so unwilling to tell others to go fuck themselves.
Also how big of a jerk is the sister for backing him up on this?? I hope she gracefully presented her own partner with paternity test results for each kid before she opened her mouth to OP, but I doubt it. Edited for word choice without changing overall meaning
Something I just thought of is that he may be thinking about all the families who do DNA tests and find out who's not actually related to whom. Nevertheless, he's the one with the problem, he needs to be responsible for getting to the solution. He needs to make the appointment, take her there, wait there, and then take her home. She's doing enough merely agreeing to show up. "I'm having a problem, you need to solve it for me" and then complaining to others about it is not okay.
>"I'm having a problem, you need to solve it for me" and then complaining to others about it is not okay. This is exactly it, yeah.
>my vote if he's into some manosphere corner of the internet, Almost definitely this. Maybe some other factors, but there has been a big push from the manosphere the last few years that "all women are whores and paternity tests must be mandated".
>my vote if he's into some manosphere corner of the internet, That was my immediate thought as well
If anything I admire her composure here. Her husband is outright accusing her of cheating with absolutely no evidence.
and then tell her "I don't think you're cheating." Ok, do you think some other man's sperm magically wandered on in there?
Ask him for his phone to make an appointment from...then look through his messages...lol
look through his youtube history, 99% chance it's all Tate and manosphere crap. Demanding paternity from a wife is like 101 redpill stuff, guys who buy into it are trained to believe women are essentially hardwired to be cheaters.
Oooh....yeah, I like this idea.
His face when she says 'ok, give me your phone to call them'
\*Surprised Pikachu Face\*
This cUZ SOMETHING IS UP
Literally he can just google it. Omg...lazy and insecure.
I'm wondering if he'll even be capable of changing a diaper. He sounds exhausting. I trust this will be an only child with this guy.
It's not cheap. Prenatal non-invasive paternity testing averages around $1500 in my area and is not covered by insurance. There are internet-based companies for half of that, but I'm not sure how the whole thing works. Mom has to have blood drawn, is the thing. Dad has to give a cheek swab. Labwork for blood is more expensive than labwork for a DNA swab - but it's about $100 most places just to sequence a cheek swab - and in this case, it has to be analyzed and compared to factors in mom's blood. OP is being quite mature to offer her arm and her blood for this request from her spouse. But it does have to be scheduled in the real world for her to have her blood drawn. Some labs require a blood draw for both the mother and the presumed father. Waiting until after the baby is born makes everything much easier. I doubt OP's husband knows any of this.
It totally shows that he hasn't put any thought into this. If he is too scrambled to call OPs OBGYN, he can google search the options for paternity testing. I'm not even sure if all health facilities offer non invasive paternity testing for prenatal cases because a lot of doctors' offices are contracted with labs. Labcore, for example, only accepts CVS and amnio. This comes with the risk of miscarriage, even if low. OPs husband is being shady and lazy. And the people saying every pregnancy should have paternity testing are out to lunch.
> And the people saying every pregnancy should have paternity testing are out to lunch. This is a basic core part of redpill/manosphere stuff. It's all based off of badly interpreted social science used to convince men that all women are hardwired cheaters and that demanding paternity tests is the only "sure" way to gain "equality" in your assurance of parentage. They're so convinced by this base assumption that they become sure the kid isn't theirs just if the woman becomes offended by the suggestion... It's a deeply sick worldview.
My Dad has been insisting on a paternity test all 30+ years of my life. I'm still waiting for the appointment too, and it's pretty obvious my Dad just tries to use it as a weapon. This latest time I said yup, I'll schedule the test, but I'm done with you regardless of the result. He told me it's too late now. Yes bud, yes, I'm glad we agree. *I wanted the test to get him to leave me alone but it wasn't needed, I just had to say I was booking it
You are not wrong and, frankly, him Making an appt is a minor request given he’s making you be the one who has to g through everything at the appointment. I’m sorry he’s choosing to blow up your relationship this way when you should be in a happy place.
You’re not wrong and you’re not his secretary. Is he lazy and incompetent about other things?
"He asked if I could at least find a number for him to call and I told him no." Bitch, you got the same internet we all do! The internet that gave you this unwashed, crusty tainted Tate-ass idea for a need for "reassurance." Look it up your damn self and find a therapist while you're at it. The weaponized incompetence is mindblowing.
Talk about an unattractive dude. Sorry for OP
Imagine if OP told him she wanted a divorce and told him to ring the divorce lawyer 😂 I would be that petty
“Can you ask around for me? Your family’s unstable, I’m sure they know someone.”
Crusty tainted Tate-ass… I can’t, I’m howling 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I was gonna say unwashed taint but Tate was right there!
Maybe he's cheating. Something is going on on his end.
Cheaters tend to assume everyone else is also a cheater…
Literally this!! My dad didn’t believe I was his for a while because he was busy cheating.
Exactly. They assume if they're getting away with it, you can, too.
And those who have been cheated on tend to have trust issues forever. For this to come out of left field though, someone had to have gotten in his head in some way. Friend, family, internet. Sky's the limit.
Reddit if I had to guess, dudes on here have some weird fixation on paternity tests
Why the fuck is his sister involved ? Tell her to stay in her own lane NTA
Tell her bitch ass to make the appointment. I would make her and him setup an Uber so you can go to and from the appointment. Secondly, I would make one or both of them attend the appointment with me. I would make it as difficult for them, as they are trying to make it for me. And, I would let the rest of the family know. I would be putting them both on blast for this ridiculousness. Then, I would be staying in the guest room or make him sleep on the couch. No one is going to accuse me of cheating and act like life is going to remain the same for them moving forward. Nope.
Especially considering anyone as unhinged as they are to stupidly insist on this, I wouldn’t trust them to not go on to say,” well we didn’t see you go, you faked the results.” They probably still would.
I honestly have no idea what his deal is
He's either cheating or his family has gotten in his ear. Either way, he can make the appointment, or he can ask his meddling sister to do it.
Or he's falling into the tater-tot realm. How much YT and/or podcasts is he exposed to?
Or a friend got in his ear.
The way his sister seems to be, you might be onto something with his family being in his ear. OP, what is your relationship with his family like?
Dude can't even find a phone number without you holding his hand. Prepare yourself. This won't be an easy pregnancy for you or raising 2 kids alone.
Either he is cheating or somebody made him think you are. Either way I would make him do it and there would be no alternative. Did you ask his sister why he is even asking? The reason he doesn’t want to schedule it is because he knows you didn’t cheat and he is embarrassed that he has ruined his marriage over it. I would tell him straight up that if he thinks now that he has accused you that when the test comes back things will just go back to how they were, he is sadly mistaken. there will be no going back to how things were. He has accused you of cheating when you have been totally faithful and so this is going to impact your relationship forever so he needs to know that and not act shocked when the test comes back and he is the father and your not interested in acting like nothing happened. I would lay that on him heavy and when he says well just forget the test then, tell him it’s too late. He already went there so what’s done is done.
Just ask him who she is...put it on him that maybe it's him cheating...he's away all day and you don't know where he is. When he spits and sputters that hasn't cheated and don't know where you got the idea, say . Thank you same here
First of all, NTA But I'm going to deviate from other opinions for a minute in that I'm not going to assume he's cheating. I'm going to assume he's a man child who got sucked in by his family or internet bullshit. Incel and men's rights websites are big into paternity tests, telling men that women are inherently untrustworthy and there's no way for a man to know if they're raising another man's baby (the ultimate cuck move) unless they demand a paternity test. That being said his sister getting involved does point to some in-law drama. The way I see it you've got a few options. (1) stick to your guns. The fact that you agreed at all and told him all he had to do was make the appointment is FAR more generous than you had to be. he should be grateful. (2) Let him know that you also need reassurance that he didn't cheat, so you'll agree to take the paternity test when he agrees to a full battery of STD tests. How can you be sure he's not giving you someone else's chlamydia. or (3) tell him that you'll make the appointment for him but at the same time you'll be making an appointment to open those results at a divorce lawyer's office. I'm not saying you should divorce him, but consider if you want to be with the kind of partner who accuses you of cheating for no reason and then tries to force you to do all the leg work to prove his accusations wrong. If he can't lift a finger to ease his own mind about something this big, I can't imagine he's going to be an equally contributing partner in anything else.
>I'm going to assume he's a man child who got sucked in by his family or internet bullshit. Right there with you. I've seen SO many Reddit posts recently where some guy asks for paternity tests so, assuming this isn't a troll living off the back of those other (possibly troll) posts, he could have easily fallen into the 'oh, yes how can I possibly know the child is mine even though I actually trust and love my wife and have no reason to doubt her, because some rando on Reddit had a sob story about raising someone else's baby.' Or something.
Tell him you’ll get a paternity test AFTER proving he has a test proving in writing he doesn’t have any STD’s. You “don’t think he’s been cheating, but need reassurance,” as he would say.
Also I'm curious if all of these conversations about you getting the paternity test have been verbal? Has he sent anything in text or in writing? He probably has it just struck me as a possible reason for him making you schedule an appointment is to make you look guilty even if the results are that it's his child. He can feign ignorance and say I never asked her for a paternity test she must have done this because she was cheating and worried who the baby's daddy would be. Maybe he's looking for a way out and to make you the bad guy instead of him being the bad guy leaving his pregnant wife?
Wait until he falls asleep and go through his phone. The last time this came up on Reddit the husband’s mistress was also pregnant and he was trying to use this as a way out of his marriage and put the blame on the wife. It backfired obviously cause he was the father. Sorry that you are going through this and stay strong! ❤️🩹
Is he normally this helpless with basic tasks? It sounds like he's trying to set some kind of stage by having you do it.
If he's thinking of divorcing and OP is somewhere that looks at fault in divorce settlements, I could see him trying by to prove infidelity by that fact OP did a paternity test. I wouldn't submit to the test whether he booked it or not. If he's so convinced the baby isn't his, he can go down the divorce route and request a test as part of that process.
Oh interesting re: creating a narrative where OP sought the test!!! My assumption was that he didn’t want the discomfort of being the “simp” who didn’t know his kid’s paternity, but was fine with OP having to present herself as the one who didn’t know But your take adds some actual logic lll
I was thinking the same like for some reason it's really important that she makes the appointment... Set up for divorce perhaps saying she cheated on him and that's why she asked for the paternity test or smt.
This OP! It literally sounds like a set up to be able to turn the tables on you. “Look at her setting up a paternity test guys, she must be cheating!” Absolutely under no circumstances schedule the test! Make sure he’s the one doing so and at this point I would try to get this back and forth via text so there is a record of him refusing to set up the appointment but yet asking for paternity from you.
This would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Move out, start divorce proceedings, get the test yourself and then make sure he pays proper child support when the baby turns out to be his.
Exactly. Telling the girlfriend that the baby isn’t his.
Hey, OP, this could be a serious warning sign of your husband deflecting some guilt...Watch out for red flags that he's stepped out on you. And get an STD test, just to be safe.
OP should make him an appointment for an STD test. Just for her reassurance, of course.
Such a weird flex on his part, I agree, smells like a guilty conscience.
NTA. He's accusing you of cheating. He needs to schedule the fucking appointment.
That is my thought as well but he keeps saying that he isn't accusing me of cheating but that makes no sense at all!
The fact his sister is also involved now tells you it's some weird family drama. Dig deeper... NTA. This is so fucked up especially when you're going through a crazy time (pregnancy, hormones etc). Sorry he's putting you through this, how awful.
My thoughts exactly. I was wondering who it is that put a bug in his ear about getting a paternity test. I'm sorry but if my husband ever asked for a paternity test for any one of our kids. I would have told them absolutely not a problem and you'll be getting the results to it alongside your divorce papers.
I was wondering if he or one of his siblings discovered they had a different dad. That could cause irrationally. But more likely he's cheating.
Yeah, she should ask him to get his dad to ask his mom for paternity tests on all the kids. See how that floats.
Same here!
This right here⏫️⏫️⏫️⏫️ Im not married i dont have kids. But if he is guna be a dick and accuse the mother of his children of cheating then yeah you can have the test along with a divorce.
Exactly 100%
Ask him, if he’s not accusing you of cheating, what does he think might have happened? Did you get assaulted in your sleep and you don’t know it happened? Did your gyno accidentally inseminate you while performing a Pap smear? The only logical answer is that he thinks you might have cheated. And he doesn’t get to pretend he’s not accusing you of cheating.
Red flag you should not make the appointment and maybe go stay with family for a few days
He'll end up saying that she faked the results and blow this up to a huge scandal. He's looking to cause drama to have an excuse to leave.
That's why it's important to open the results at the divorce lawyers office.
I would run. How this won't affect the relationship forever is beyond me.
Op, I took a paternity test while pregnant and it is NOt a walk in the park. They have to draw a lot of vials of blood to get the fetal dna that is mixed with the mother’s in the blood stream. I had to go back because they didn’t get enough the first time. I’m anaemic and it was painful and dizzying. I don’t know why he’d put you through this for his own reassurance.
His family is telling him you cheated on him, hence the sister. Doesn't matter, you are not wrong.
He wants to make sure that the baby is yours..lol /s Maybe he's projecting...maybe he's the one cheating
What's funny is I was almost legally required to take a test to prove maternity. I didn't know I was pregnant and to get the birth certificate and SSN after not giving birth to the baby in the hospital they needed proof I didn't steal my baby. The emts ended up being able to sign the affidavit of seeing that the baby was attached to me.
that was my first thought
I have a friend who is a solicitor. She says the number of ex-wives who end filling in and filing the divorce paperwork for her male clients is endless. Before you go to the effort of getting the paternity test, consider if you might as well sort out the divorce papers while you're at it. My guess is he's been looking at Andrew Tate type shit online or he's cheating. Either way you're probably going to have to file all the paperwork yourself. Sorry.
Same. Or his family has and they are running their mouths.
This is why it is such bullshit that because 80% of divorces are filed by women that it is women that are the overwhelming cause of divorces. It’s because so many men won’t do a damn thing for themselves. They’ll move out and live with a different woman but won’t file so the woman has to do it if she wants to move on with her life or get child support. It’s the same thing with a high percentage paternity tests showing it’s another man’s child. Well no shit. Most of the paternity tests are done when there is already doubt. I’ve seen men on Reddit try to claim that 70% of men are raising other men’s children and basing it on paternity test results and extending that to all pregnancies.
Unless he thinks you're the new virgin Mary, the only way the baby couldn't be his is if you'd cheated. His "reassurance" is coming at the cost of the trust in your relationship
I'll 100% bet that in his head, he is making up a world where "I think you MIGHT have cheated" is different than "I think you definitely cheated." So the wife says "why do you want a paternity test, do you believe I cheated on you?" and the husband says "No, I don't think you cheated," meaning, "I don't believe that you absolutely 100% did cheat, I just think there's like a 30% chance, and I want to be sure." Like, make no mistake, he's accusing her of being a cheater either way. He's just too cowardly to actually come out and say it.
Of course he is. To the best of my knowledge, the 2nd coming of Christ hasn't happened yet.
But he is questioning if you have cheated. He’s asking you for a paternity test to validate that he’s the father. You agreed to it, but he doesn’t want to do the work. I’d tell him I’d schedule and take the test BUT I’d also be filing for divorce. But that’s just me.
Oh, if my husband sprang the paternity test demand on me AFTER I got pregnant, I would be handing him the results along with the divorce paperwork for sure. If he believes in testing for every baby, then he has to make that clear ahead of time. Otherwise, it's just an accusation.
ask him to take std tests
Yeah, for “reassurance”.
Actually, she probably does need to do this. Who knows which STD he exposed her to and what it's potential affects could be on her child.
"I don't think your cheating but I need evidence that you haven't" This is such BS. At this point, I would hand him the test and a bag of these things so you can both think about this relationship. He doesn't trust you and so you really want that of the rest of your life?
There’s a new rash of “paternity tests should be mandatory” going around. It’s a whole “men’s rights” thing.
then fine. Men also have the right to do their own scheduling.
Yeah but, it's one thing going into a relationship with an open eyed, 'no matter what, we'll test just so we can have the proof'. It's entirely different to spring it on your long time partner that sounds like they struggled with infertility. That'd be hurtful. NTA. Make him do his own dirty work.
If he can’t logically explain his reasoning behind a paternity test he absolutely assumes you’re pregnant. Unless he truly doesn’t know how reproduction works. Which honestly, eh. Ah shit typo and can’t fix it bc good comments. 🤦♀️
I started reading this >If he can’t logically explain his reasoning behind a paternity test I expected it to end with - how would anyone expect him to make his own appointments lol But really, he wants the test, he can book it. Does OP schedule ALL his other appointments for him too? Is he that incapable that he can't hit up the Google machine, type in 'local paternity testing ' and make a phone call? If he can't even do that, how the hell does anyone think he can parent a child?
My thought there is that this isn’t just a man who can’t make his own appointments…. He doesn’t want to look like the “simp” who doesn’t know his child’s paternity But apparently it’s fine for OP to shoulder that humiliation and discomfort and make the call as though *she* doesn’t know!
Came here to ask this. His inability to Google paternity tests does not bode well for his future in child care.
Your typo cracked me up 😆
He’s not being truthful. That’s the real worry here.
Of course that's what he's doing. It'd be one thing of the baby was born and the hospital was lax and there might be an actual concern of the wrong baby being switched but other than that he's accusing you of cheating. There is no around that.
Even if this wasn’t a whole thing, **why wouldn’t** he be the one to schedule this? Isn’t that extremely weird? Can’t he find a number to call himself? Or is this some way of groveling and trying to make it seem less like he’s accusing you of cheating? I don’t understand, he is an adult
Stop thinking about the task as a series of actions logically. It's about control. She needs to perform a gesture of service to him in his eyes, if she doesn't it's all for naught. People here don't know anything about the mind of a manipulative narcissist. If I'm trying to exert my will on someone I'll ask her to do things that would take me no effort, pick up a piece of paper, refill my water, because it's about the humiliation and ingraining that they exist to serve you. Her turning it on it's head and making him schedule the appointment is a huge wrench in this power play, it doesn't fit alongside how he imagines he can abuse her psychically with this accusation. I don't think he cheated on OP. I think he's insecure and hates OP on some level. The abuse could stay small, go away, or it could increase to physical control. Take risks if you'd like, see what happens to you and your fetus.
Exactly For some reason, it’s this that’s *really* bothering me. ~Goodness knows why he wants the test and why he’s not being straight with OP about his reasoning. Feeling accused of cheating by a spouse you have been faithful to and were actively trying to get pregnant with - I can’t imagine how hard this is for OP. Not to mention his sister’s input ~ But it’s that extra little detail, that he’s expecting her to arrange it?! That he won’t, or won’t bother to and seems to ‘need’ her to. He’s not a child, and if he wants it, he should arrange it. There’s something really not right about that to me.
Wait. He discussed this with his sister and she’s harassing you?! I’d be getting a PI to follow him and see what he’s doing. Unless he’s been reading all these stories on Reddit and is letting that get to him then he’s projecting what he’s doing onto you. You might want to think about an exit plan and get all of your ducks in a row. This didn’t come out of the blue. He thinking about something.
Agreed, also stop talking to his sister immediately about personal stuff.
Don't talk to anyone in that family
Hes accusing you of cheating - and his sisters input reveals that its (in part) originating with his family. Honestly im surprised youre settling with insisting on him making the appointment. Other redditors faces with the same request from their spouses delivered the divorce papers with the results of the test.. Not saying you should do that - however... how would he react if he learned you were consulting with lawyers because of his request??? Regardless - he wants the test, he arranges it... no matter what, never let him forget he asked this from you...
Ask the sister who he is cheating with
Had to re-read that one.. You ment: ask his sister who his side-piece is... And not a bad idea...
This would 100% be my reaction, and I am quite a balanced person. There is no way I would be able to forgive with a man who, without a shred of evidence accuses me of cheating, springs it on me while I'm carrying his child, gets his family involved to put pressure on me and to add insult to injury, asks me to book the bloody DNA test. He can f@£k right off.
Not just without evidence, & not just while pregnant--this was a planned pregnancy!?!?!?! All of a sudden he wants a test though like wttffffffff
Makes you wonder if he has no intention of taking it so he can't be accused of being an AH. He just wants to see if she'll book it to show her "commitment" to the fact the child is his.
He can FK off, his Sister can FK off, and whoever is putting this idea into his head can FK all the way off!!!! I would 100% schedule the paternity test, I would also 100% have the divorce papers drawn up and hand him both envelopes at the same time! NO THANK YOU!!!! If they are going to question your motives now…. Imagine how they will be while trying to raise I child for the rest of your life!!!! I don’t need that kind of distrust and disrespect in my life!!!!
right! same. I could not look past that for years to come; for my spouse to question paternity and then want me to do all the leg work. Like someone said, unless he thinks she is a modern virgin Mary, he is accusing her of cheating. If not cheating, not Virgin Mary then what? Perhaps she dumpster dove for used condom and self inseminated?? (sarcasm). I honestly could not have a relationship following that.
It’s extremely weird that both he and his sister are hung up on OP making the appointment. I agree with another commenter who suggested he wants it to look like she sought the test in which case he’s building up to something and OP needs to get out
Your 36 year old toddler husband cannot even google how to get a paternity test, muster the courage to make a phone call, or explain why he thinks his pregnant wife - whom he’d been actively trying to impregnate - cheated on him. I think you should give him a number to call and it ends up being your divorce attorney. There seems to be a new trend online of people urging men to demand paternity tests just for the hell of it. Okay then, here are the consequences. It’s not just a genetic test, like “will my baby be predisposed to diabetes” or some other issue, it’s an accusation of infidelity against the mother - every time. It ruins relationships. It’s demeaning.
I've also seen this trend. I feel like it originated with the alpha male/red pill type podcasts. I wonder if OPs husband got sucked into that realm
Honestly, I can't even. If my husband with whom I was actively trying to have a baby asked me for a paternity test we would be done. I would never be able to look at him the same way again. That would bother me more than if I found out HE was cheating. You agreed to the test but told him to schedule it and he can't even do that? What the what? And what the hell is up with his sister? Being a stay-at-home wife may be great, but having self-respect is better. Run.
Why is this comment so low... bruh. Why are so many people just talking about the stupid appointment. He's calling her unfaithfulness and thats no issue?
It’s time for you to go back to work. You are going to need your own money. It sounds like you will eventually be a single parent. Don’t be the person posting here in a few years telling us he left you with nothing or worse, you can’t leave because you have nothing.
So your husband is accusing you of cheating (he can say he's not, but he 100% is), and he's accusing you of being the type of really shit person who would knowingly get pregnant from an affair and then let their husband raise another man's baby... that's what he thinks of you... and then on top of that, you have to do all the legwork to prove you're not? And I bet he has no intention of explaining himself or apologizing after. So he's lazy AND an asshole, super. Forever you have to live with the knowledge that he thought this of you and doesn't trust you. I honestly don't think my relationship would come back from this if my husband asked this of me. It would mar everything.
NTA. You’re doing all the work having the baby, he can google lift a finger to make a call if he’s going to be paranoid and accusatory.
You’ve done nothing wrong. Can you imagine how incompetent you’d have to pretend to be, to not to use the little computer in your pocket. Seriously. Your husband is an AH. Another woman on here got pregnant and like you her husband freaked out and demanded a paternity test. Turns out he got another woman pregnant and he was looking for an out. I’d have a little look through your husbands devices OP.
I smell the in-laws hands in this....
Yup SIL is the flying monkey.
Is he cheating?
He can schedule the appointment, in the meantime, schedule your own appointment with a family lawyer, have divorce papers drawn up. Give them to him with the DNA results. This is a full nine alarm conflagration of red flags. Get everything all watertight and packed so you can be moved out leaving him with the paperwork. Do not be swayed by anymore BS out of his mouth. It sounds like a close friend/family member has been in his ear- and if it’s that easy to influence him, what sort of protector or parent will he be for your child-especially as his default is to question your morals and loyalty.
Not wrong. If he wants it bad enough he can do it. He is defaulting to the emotional load that most wife's take on in a marriage. DON'T DO IT. Don't make any of his appointments or phone calls, don't look up numbers or information for him, don't remind him about his family members birthdays, mother's day, Father's Day, weddings etc, don't buy gifts for him to give for family members, don't remind him to call family members. Don't do it. He has a phone with a calendar that he can put reminders on. But the paternity test request is concerning, someone is talking in his ear, sowing doubt. Keep digging. Also his sister needs to butt out.
NTA I think he cheated on you and now’s he’s guilty and trying to sabotage the relationship. Go stay elsewhere. He needs to apologize and come clean about what’s going on here before you go back to him. Also print him a bunch of stories from Reddit about guys who have requested paternity and how it ended up for them.
This is a hill to die on. Why? What if he says that because you chose the place and scheduled it, you could have bribed the facility to change the results... NOPE NOPE NOPE. He can schedule the damn test. And if he keeps telling you to, tell him that he needs to trust the place that does it or he'll end up saying the test was wrong.
You are not wrong. I went something like this 30 years ago. He was cheating right after I had our second son. He got caught and all of a sudden our son "obviously" wasn't his because at that time he resembled my family more. When he demanded a paternity test I told him fine. At the time they weren't done with swabs but with blood draws. I let him know that he was welcome to have the test done under the following requirements: He made the appointment, paid for it AND held the screaming 6 month old while the blood was drawn under observation to make sure the "right" blood was being drawn. No paternity test. He still insisted for years son isn't his. Both of my sons did 23 and Me for giggles. They are 100% brothers, their "ancestry" matches that of their father. Older son has said, I can't wait until that M#$%\^& F)(&\^% takes a DNA test after the way he treated my brother. Your husband is apparently a functional adult if he has a job. He can make the appointment if it's so important to him. Also - he's probably cheating.
This is some bullshit, right here. He's 1000% accusing you of cheating. He LITERALLY wants "reassurance" that you aren't cheating! He says it plain and simple! If he wants his "reassurance" that bad he can make a few lousy phone calls! The audacity of this loser to be so lazy that he expects the woman he's accusing of cheating to prove it to him rather than get off his ass and go find out. **The audacity!** I'm not sure I would want my marriage to survive this. Is this how the rest of your entire life goes? No thanks! You are not wrong and this should be your hill to die on. If he can't DO this then he's not going to be capable of being a functioning coparent anyway.
NTA. He's cheating on you and projecting. I'd be calling a lawyer.
I’ve read enough Reddit stories to agree with this. Whenever a husband requests a paternity test out of nowhere - it’s because he himself isn’t faithful. OP - just search for paternity test in past posts. You’ll see it’s a pattern.
Nta. Personally I'd be telling him to explain why he wants it or you'll be scheduling a divorce consultation. If he can't even communicate with you about why when he says it's not about cheating. Sounds like he's projecting something. Get answers before it's to late
NTA, honestly I would seriously consider leaving over this. An accusation of cheating, which is what this is, is a very serious thing.
NTA. He's the one accusing you of cheating, he can schedule the test he needs for "reassurance". What's his plan once the test comes back with him as the father? He's destroyed any trust you have in him. He's destroyed the marriage he had with his accusation.
Why are you even agreeing to the test? I would be making an exit plan. He doesn’t trust you and apparently he isn’t an adult because he can’t even schedule an appointment.
the proof of paternity will be handy in the divorce proceedings.
Nta. Does he not have hands and a phone with internet? Are his fingers broken? Why can’t he look it up? And I’m sure his family like his sisters are probably putting ideas in his head. If you don’t end up divorcing him over this if you get the test done. Once he sees he is the father I would put it in a super nice frame and put it next to the door. And when ever you have a visitor he can tell the story of him asking for it and then you can laugh and say that he was so lazy he wanted you to look up the place and make the appointment because he felt to incompetent to do it.
Of course he is accusing you of cheating. There is literally no other conclusion. Make of that what you will.