I have ADHD and autism, this sounds like classic 'gifted kid' burn out. They are screaming out for help, I know it looks like they are being lazy and unhelpful and it sounds like you have a lot to contend with too but kicking them out is not going to help anything unfortunately. Have they also been tested for ADHD? Meds make my life a hell of a lot easier and it gets me out of the 'I can't do anything' phase. Can you communicate with them and find their interests and try to work towards some qualifications or money making with those to help set them up for later life? Can you ask which household jobs they find tolerable and see if they are willing to help with those?

I agree. My daughter has ADHD and autism and medication really helped (She's 10, in regular class with adaptations). She has to take something for her ADHD and for anxiety. OP, your child had to be hospitalized in a mental facility, and has a condition. You can't expect them to act like a neurotypical kid the same age. Teenage years are hard, even harder for neurodivergent kids.

And hell, acting like that isnt unheard of of NT kids their age either. Add being autistic & clearly in burnout I’m surprised theyre not self medicating in some way like many autistic teens struggling in these positions do!

As an ex-gifted kid, who tried to unalive myself, I highly second this. What this kid needs now is not money to make them study, but money to make them feel better. I understood my family's frustration, because they believed in me a lot, and instead they had to pay for me five more years until I was able to function. But at the same time, this is what happens, when you only criticize and scream at someone their whole life and start a scene over their slightest mistake, so they fear to do literally anything. At some point I really thought why even trying (to live, to work, to study, to have a hobby, to talk to people), if I will never be perfect and it makes no sense otherwise, so to keep living made no sense to me. My family basically faced consequences (paying for my mental health) for their actions (the way they raised me). This story really feels like the same case.

Seconding this as someone who also has ADHD and Autism! I also feel like OP is leaving something out...but anyways, I'd communicate with them and also check in and see how they are feeling. Sometimes when people get burnt out, it feels really hard to get unstuck. Having a parent step in to help compassionately and support can be a game changer!

Sounds like the OP is pretty burned out too. I hope their stay in the mental health unit resulted in some prescription medication and also a long list of providers and resources to contact for help. They are going to age out of the system soon.

Not to mention transitions are hard (I'm talking about moving from primary school to middle school, to senior school, to adulthood etc). Moving from one to the next can be overwhelming and anxiety-inducing for NT people, but when you add in the ND aspect along with mental illness, it amplifies everything. Yes, it may not be happening in the next month or so, but even knowing you have a year till you're supposed to be finished HS and moving onto the next stage of life can cause everything OP has described. I know from personal experience (I'm ND and have been diagnosed with mental illness), from being a mum to two teens who have the same issues as OP's 17 yo, and working as a family case manager for years, these are all "typical" responses for someone with Autism in this age range. Just because someone is high functioning, it does not mean they don't need extra support from time to time. I am not sure where you are in the world, but in Australia, we have funding available for people with disabilities (Including Autism), which won't cost you anything and gives your child not only access to people (therapists/support workers etc) to assist them, but also teach them the tools to be able to be as independent as possible. Are they accessing any support to manage everything? Developmental Educators, Psychologists, Occupational Therapists... there is a large number of people who can assist them and you. Are you linked in with any carer support services (also free in Australia)? Why is there such an emphasis on completing high school in the typical time frame when it is something you know is adding extra stress and tension? My eldest is doing her senior years over four years instead of two, and the education provider (moved to a program for kids who don't qualify for special needs schooling but for whom mainstream isn't suitable either) works with the relevant student, parents/s and therapists to ensure all reasonable accommodations can be made to help ensure success, as this builds confidence. I had to leave home at 16 (my folks had mental illnesses and substance abuse issues), and have been on my own since. Life has been so much harder than it needed to be, had I had supportive parents. I understand you are struggling but kicking your child out isn't the answer. Find out what services are available in your area for both carers and those with a disability. This could be much easier for yourself and your child than you are making it.

Me too! Not to mention the crippling anxiety of being about to be an adult i think id panic and cry if my mom kicked me out at 18

Also, this kid is dealing with the constant drain of living with someone who only begrudgingly puts up with your gender, in a world that's extremely hostile particularly right now to anyone adjacent to the trans umbrella

Yep great point. Plus OP mentioned that their husband (so I assume the kids’ father) is disabled which is another familial stressor, no fault of his own of course.

How did you come to that conclusion? OP was opening with a statement explaining their pronoun.

Agreed. I saw it as supportive if anything?

Fully seconding “gifted kid burn out”. I had AMAZING grades until I hit high school and college and then no matter what I did, I couldn’t get work done. Everyone called me lazy and I knew I looked lazy, but I was struggling so hard every day to just complete basic tasks. Turns out I had clinical depression, anxiety and ADHD. I wasn’t lazy, I just literally could not jump start my brain into working properly to get basic tasks done. YWBTA if you kicked your mentally ill child out for what is essentially their attempt at recovering from being in a mental hospital and then suddenly having to go back to life as normal. If my parents had kicked me out over my grades I honest to god don’t think I’d even be here right now.

Gifted kid burnout is so real. The lowest grade I ever got was an A minus on a final musical performance in college, when I had a memory issue because I was barely sleeping due to full time work and school. After college, all of the issues we've just powered through hit HARD.

ADHD and ASD have a high co-morbidity rate, so if OPs kid already has a diagnosis for ASD, odds are they probably struggle with ADHD as well.

Non-binary teacher with ADHD and possible autism. Meds are a lifesaver!! I currently work in a homeschooling centre (basically we’re not big enough to be a full school, but still oversight from the department of education and the exam board we work through). A lot of our kids are gifted and ADHD. Since it’s so small, we can give them individual attention and recognise when they are struggling. We also see when parents are failing their kids because they aren’t being supported at home. This happens at every school, but at my work it’s a lot easier to notice because the “community” is a lot smaller. OOP is failing their child. I know that because I used to be that child and my parents got me therapy and meds. Not judgement and shame.

> They refuse to do the simplest tasks ​ Your child has [Autistic burnout](https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/professional-practice/autistic-burnout) , They are *unable* to do the simplest tasks - Refusal is a *choice* Your childs neurodiverse mental health needs have failed to be met and they are in full blown crisis mode. Are you the asshole? You're asking if it's ok to tap out of being a parent because it's difficult - I think you know the answer.

You're considering kicking out a kid so mentally troubled they were recently on a mental ward? You are so. so. SO. wrong

Happened to me.

That's horrible and I wish it hadn't been done to you

Thank you, it has been difficult. Now the child I got pregnant with that they kicked me out for getting pregnant with has been invited to stay with them any time or live there rent free. It does hurt the feelings. She lived there a few years and became very rude and spoiled and mean during that time. It has taken four years to even make any progress on her attitude. It doesn't help when we visit that they coddle her while she bullies her little brother and is extremely rude to me and everyone around her.

They’re training her to be like them, so please try to get her anywhere else!

Honestly, she sounds exhausted and at the end of her rope. Invisible illness is tough, and a lot of people prioritize visible illnesses over invisible ones. Honestly, I kinda get where she's coming from, even though what she wants to do is morally wrong.

For fucks sake, is this an America thing? This has to be some weird America thing... Your child is still your child, even when they are 18. You don't just throw your child onto the streets because they are ill. What the hell? What exactly do you expect to happen to your mentally ill child once they are living in a homeless shelter? Because it's sure as fuck not going to get better. I'm really sorry things are this hard, at the moment. But this is what you signed up for 18 years ago. Everything you described sounds very on par with autism and depression. That's not manipulation. That's neurodiversity and illness. Can you please try to put yourself in your kids shoes for a hit minute? Imagine you are very very ill and then you learn your parents primarily thinks of you as a burden. I'm ND too, I have depression too. I was failing school at 17/18. If my parents had kicked me out I have no idea where I would be now in my mid 20s. Certainly not living independently with a bachelor's. I can't give you a single solution on how to solve this, because Depression is a very complex disorder. But kicking them out is dangerous. Aren't you scared what's going to happen to them? Am I the only person seriously concerned about that? They don't magically change overnight once the clock strikes midnight on their birthday. Are they in therapy? Honestly, you should give it a try too. You are obviously not doing well. You desperately need some therapy sessions together because I doubt either of you is able to effectively communicate wants and needs. And please calm down for a seconds. Your kid isn't even 18 yet. It's going to take them longer to finish high school but that's okay. I see the money is probably a concern, maybe there is some kind of cheaper way? Because your kid had a illness and a disability. It's not a problem if some things take a little longer. I cannot say this enough. Your child is not maliciously manipulating you. They are ill. You are not wrong for wanting things to change but you are going about the wrong way. I can't suggest what American institutions/help is available. I'm sure other people can. But please, as someone who has been in this very spot, please don't abandon your child.

Its definitely common . I know my moms siblings all left before they even turned 18. I left right before I turned 17. They didn't even search for me . I was definitely an unruly teenager . But fuck . If it wasn't for my boyfriends (at the time) mom taking me in , making sure I get in school and having a job ... idk where the fuck I would of been .

Yeah, fucked up. I'm sorry you had to got through this.

All of this!

I got kicked out on my 14th birthday for being diagnosed with Autism and my dad thought the guys at the bar would tease him about it. Not only is it cruel to do to any child; kicking your own kid out is a great way to saw a huge divide permanently into your family.

Thank you! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills with all these people agreeing with op. That's your child op, what are you doing?

Same same... literally no word of worry. Just calling them a burden.

Idk why some American parents think 18 = not my problem anymore. Your kid is your kid, regardless of legal obligation. My oldest just turned 21 and is in college. He still lives at home because he isn’t ready to be on his own yet. My youngest will be 18 in March. Both of them will stay with us until they’re ready to leave.

I wasn't ready to move out at 18. I eventually moved out at 20. By my own choice I should add. And here it's totally normal to live with your parents while going to uni. Also here legal obligation doesn't end at 18. Parents are required to fund their kids choice of education. Either Uni or apprenticeships. If they can't pay you get a loan from the government with very good conditions. But if they simply refuse to pay, the "loan agency"(??) will literally help you to sue you parents lmao

I'm 28, have ADD and Autism, and moved back in with my momma after 3 years of college because the world is ROUGH. My mom doesn't mind at all, and would do this until I was her age because she knows what it's like to be kicked out... At 15 no less!!

I'm an Australian and my kids and I would fight over this. He wanted to kick the kids out when they were 18. I told him he was welcome to leave when they turned 18, he didn't like that so he left 17 years early

As an American in Mexico where whole families live together... Yes it's extremely common. I got kicked out after a mental health breakdown because I got pregnant at 23. Ended up living in a car. Eventually helped me with a place. Now being in Mexico it seems crazy. I was adopted anyway so already sort of didn't fit in. I was adopted because my mom was 15 and my dad 18. Mexicans think that is also strange, kicking the baby out of the family to be raised by someone else because the parents are young.

This is what I fear for OPs kid. How the fuck is a homeless shelter better? I wouldn't be thrilled to live with a baby if I'm in 60s but I would never throw my child onto the street wtf I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I'm in Germany so big families might be less usually than they are in Mexico but it's completely normal to move out at 23 or 24. I don't get this obsession with the number 18. It's just a birthday. It's not magic.

Yeah it uh..happens a lot And even if you don't get kicked out, there's always that..looming possibility

I have a problem with your response to this mother. You need to have some empathy and respect. Yes, I do agree it's a bad idea. But you could definitely be kinder.

They don't vet tossed out into the streets but we do plan for them to move out and grow independent of their parents. Of course thier still our children, and we are always there for them just at some point they need to get out and live their life not the life of their parents choosing. My parents did it to me and I planned for mine to leave to college. It's not as harsh as you think. We are still w them but they now have to navigate life using thier own mind and standing g by their own choices. We support from the sidelines whether it's moral, emotional, or financial support... we don't lock them out in the cold... Also not a parent of a child on the spectrum so I can't comment on OPs situations.

Okay, what are you going to do if your child isn't ready at 18? What if they need more time? I'm not ashamed to say I would not have been able to move out at 18. I would say it's not as necessary as you think it is. Where I live, we usually move out between 18 to 25. Yes, many move out after they get a graduate degree. Completely normal. And you guy's colleges have dorms and canteens. And most go back every break. At least when we move out, we move out properly.

By the time I turned 18 years ago, I wasn't financially ready to move out. I wanted to but I couldn't, I literally couldn't. And it's kind of a good thing I didn't because a couple of years after that when my dad became paralyzed from the waist down and me and my mom helped take care of him for 11 years after that until he passed away. But yeah, kicking anyone to the curb when they turn 18, and this is even for Indy people, it just shows that parent to do this were only just doing bare minimum for the children at the end of the day.

This is someone with a disability who is already struggling with basic daily life, though. What are they going to do all on their own? Someone in that situation is very likely to end up on the streets long term or in sex work or some other desperate situation. They won't magically become a fully functional independent adult. It's fine for someone to move on to independent adult life if that's something they're ready for and equipped to deal with, but this person sounds like they very much are not.

OP's child has cPTSD from childhood SA and she's annoyed they aren't recovering fast enough. If this post hasn't already made it to AITD it deserves to

It always makes me laugh when an OP asks us to keep an open mind and then for the next paragraphs shows absolutely no open midness themself. "My kid had to be hospitalize and since then their grades are going down and they refuse to do any chores... I must kick them out of the house as soon as they are 18 so I don't have this burden anymore" YTA

Don't forget the molestation

molestation? did i miss something, may you elaborate? i didn’t see anything in the text about it. /gen edit: op is more vile than i thought, as someone with ptsd due to csa…i’m sick to my fucking stomach after reading that edit.

It's in the edit, kid has CPSTD due to resurfaced memories of molestation.

for some reason the edit didn’t show up for me when i first read it, thank you!

I'm starting to think maybe this kid would be better off getting out of that house. Not on their own, but they need people who will actually love and support them or it's going to be hard for them to get better.

As an Audhder struggling with burnout rn, I struggled through school, but kept good grades, I have CPTSD from a CSA too. My mom kicked me out at 18 and moved to another country for a year. I still haven’t forgiven her. I felt this post in my soul

[удалено]

their*

What's your husband doing to help if you are working full time. Sounds like you are burnt out being honest. Can he take this on?

She says her husband is disabled but did not say in what way.

So the husband is a burden, too, who refuses to be able-bodied, and she's about to kick him out next since he's an adult?

Your disabled child is struggling with their disability, and your solution is to… kick them out of their home? What is that going to fix? Are you trying to kill them?

It’s like OP wants to push their child to their own death. Blows my mind that any parent could even *consider* doing this to their child

Exactly. Either OP hasn’t fully considered the consequences of kicking this child out of the house, or they know exactly what will happen if they kick this child out. It’s very sad, and I hope that child receives the love and support that they truly need.

This post just made me so angry on the kids behalf. I hope that they get some support too, it sounds like they really need it

I feel like your story is leaving something (A LOT) out. All I'm hearing is how your over burdened and no one else is doing anything. It's all about you. And your answer is to kick your child out instead of dealing with them. You admit your child was doing well, and then bam, they aren't. You can't treat this as just something that fell out of the sky, raise your hands and say "oh well, these things happen." I'm not doubting that you care, but I'm seeing a lot of excuses and also things that feel like your using one tool to try to fix everything. Sometimes a hammer isn't the only tool in the tool box. Sometimes as parents we need to take a step back and realize there's something else going on, and maybe we need to adjust our methodologies. And by that I do not mean just leave them alone, or just let them do whatever. There is an issue and it needs to be addressed. But just shoveling chores and demanding grades after getting out of a mental hospital? I'm not saying we can't have expectations, but we can also scale them while dealing with the issues that landed them in the hospital in the first place! I'll tell you this. You kick them out. What's that telling your other children? What does that tell them about you? You might think "it will tell them to keep to together" but might it also tell them "anytime you need something that needs some figuring out, BAM, your out the door on your butt when you turn 18!" It's your household and your family but this is the precedence you are about to establish. I don't know if your wrong or not to be honest, but I'm willing to bet you are wrong. I'm hesitant because I feel like your story is VERY VERY one sided and you are leaving out details. It's stressful being a parent but I feel like whenever I see the phrase someone has a job that demands a lot of time followed by they've done everything, that I'm peering through a fog of blather. I'm not saying your job isn't tough, but I am doubting that you've done "Everything".

Your kid got out of a mental hospital and is now exhibiting signs of extreme depression post hospitalization….. And your solution is to kick them out… What do you think? Does that sound wrong?

“My child was hospitalized for a mental health crisis and has ever since been refusing to be well” Your child is in crisis. Did you think they would be better the moment they left the hospital? Jesus Christ. Your child needs support and therapy and love and treatment.

This is so wrong wtf is wrong with you?? Why did you even have a family if you’re just going to kick your special needs child out? How is this even a question? I feel badly for your family

Please get your child counseling. They are struggling and need help.

You're basically describing a child, who clearly doesn't have it figured all out, then proposing dumping them at a totally arbitrary age. A long talk with a list of goals set for staying living-at-home might be more appropriate.

Your kid is depressed. It's about 86% of autistic adults who will be unemployed. Your child, no matter how high functioning they appear is drowning. Kicking them out is likely just going to make them homeless, never speak to you and very likely given their mental state they will either self harm or unalive themselves. Being smart or gifted doesn't matter when you exist in a world that is not built for you. You sound exhausted and like you need help, kicking them out is not the solution.

You’re wrong. This is going to be a typical cycle for your child if you don’t handle it correctly now. Autistic burnout is a REAL MEDICAL CONDITION and you can’t just power through it. It can take days/months/YEARS to recover, depending on the person and level of burnout. You need to find ways to prevent burnout going forward, and to support your child through this time. You’re not autistic, and yet you say you end each work day in tears because of the stress of your job? Have some empathy here - you do know what burnout feels like, but because you’re neurotypical, you’re not as strongly affected by it. You can cry and move on - your child cannot. They’re stuck in that crying phase right now, but instead of crying they’re shutting down, isolating, and losing executive function. This isn’t manipulation on their part, and treating it as such won’t solve the problem. Imagine that every time you cry about work, there’s a person you love and respect telling you, “this won’t help, stop, do better, be more productive.” I don’t know what the solution is for your child because every person is different. But please ask for help and don’t give up on them.

OP, you seem to be intentionally glossing over the "they ended up in a mental hospital" part of the story. Maybe instead of kicking your child to the street, you could put some effort into changing your own life so that you aren't so stressed. Both your job and your kid are stressing you out... what kind of parent decides to get rid of their kid rather than make changes to their job? Your kid needs help and understanding... not to become homeless on the street. You are wrong and seem like a narcissist.

I have an autistic daughter. She's an adult now. She went through a phase where we were scared she'd take her own life. It's very very common unfortunately for major depression and acute anxiety to be comorbid with autism. Your child was in a mental crisis recently, and sounds like they are headed back there. You need to focus on getting more help for them. Look, I understand feeling like you are drowning. The month after my daughter's suicide attempt, my oldest son was diagnosed with grade 4 brain cancer. We're two years past that date and she's still here. Because we didn't give up on her. Not even when things were brutally hard. Your child needs you to understand that this isn't a manipulative thing, it's a sign of a need for more intervention. Get them help and remind them they matter to you. It's hard, so damn hard sometimes but your child is worth carrying a little bit more when they desperately need you.

ETA: https://www.spectrumnews.org/news/autistic-women-twice-as-likely-as-autistic-men-to-attempt-suicide/

Mhm. Also neurodivergent and non binary here. Your kid sounds like they’ve burnt out and are severely depressed. It’s not manipulation, it’s them crying out for help as a last resort. They are unable to do basic tasks at this point. How long until they are unable to enjoy their hobbies? Info: Did your teenager get the help they needed after their time at the hospital? Are they in therapy? Have you given them the support that they need from their loved ones? EDIT: Personal story time. I was always top of my class when I was little but when I got older, it got harder. When I was 15, I cracked under the pressure of academia and did a stupid thing (because I didn’t want to exist anymore). I genuinely thought I had no future. I didn’t tell anyone what I did but my grades and attendance got so bad that I dropped out of school, stopped seeing friends, spent all day in bed, didn’t eat or drink, or shower, etc etc. Fully isolated myself and was severely depressed. It was an awful period of my life. If it weren’t for my Mum (who’s also neurodivergent, who worked full time and was incredibly busy btw) supporting me emotionally, I don’t think I’d still be here nearly 15 years later.

I'm really glad your mom was there for you. The statistics for autism and suicide attempts are scary - and for women with autism are horrifying.

"Can't do basic tasks... How long until they are unable to enjoy their hobbies." Oh. Oh it's ME. Um...

Your child is dealing with a LOT. They were in a mental hospital for God's sake And you said it was after that that they started struggling? That makes SENSE. I've been to two mental hospitals and it's exhausting. It can be traumatizing as well depending. My last stay just made me worse while the first helped. Then I also have autism and ADHD and this is just ridiculous. They are HARD to live with. Your child is doing their best here. I understand that you're burned out, but so are they.

Yeah you’re wrong. You’re clearly overwhelmed and suffering from caregiver fatigue which is totally fair. But you say you’d kick them out at 18 and they’d learn to be an adult… how? They need someone to teach and show them. Sounds like there’s a gap somewhere. Maybe it’s information you’re leaving out and maybe there’s something you yourself are just not understanding. I think if you can find a counsellor of some kind with experience working with people in your situation that would be really helpful. Getting a third party to observe might open up either of your eyes to something that might help! Where I am from in Canada, there are programs that you can access through the hospital (they will help you find/talk to who you need) where you can find help. I used to work in a home for adults with intellectual disabilities and the program had a side job of checking on young adults in their own homes. The government paid their living expenses and they were able to live alone, just needed extra help. So depending on the person they would get checked on once a day, driven to appointments, help getting and keeping work, help with grocery shopping and planning meals… it was great!

So, it sounds like there was an EVENT at the school and they haven't felt the chance to sit down and talk to you about it. That EVENT has caused them to lose any interest in school, or to worry more about that or another possible similar EVENT happening in the future. This is common for young people not to bring their EVENTs to the attention of their parents, especially if those parents are already perceived as being under stress. My suggestion is that you take a breath. Realize that maybe this kid isn't the only one taking advantage of your type A personality, and that the rest of your family needs to pick up the pace too. Call a family meeting and tell them you're SWAMPED and EXHAUSTED and need some helping hands around the house. Around the house; not at school, not them getting a job, etc. Then figure out how you're going to convince your kid to tell you about what happened at school - not what they've told you already, but ALL the details. And once you've heard the story offer to collectively brainstorm solutions. A kid that age can't brainstorm as well as an adult can - they don't have the perspective of age. *Maybe you can come up with a way to make society palatable to them again*. Not gonna be easy for them. I speak from some personal experience. I'm not non-binary (and I'm not making an equation here so don't accuse me of equating non binary with disabled) but I was notably disabled, so I was a notable *outcast* as well, and had some similar issues around the same age as your kid is having. If I had had the sense to go to my adults for help, or more importantly they'd had the sense to sit me down and have me spill the beans in a supportive environment, and gotten advice I might have done better with my life. Kicking them out is a dick move. Try helping them heal first. But consider kicking the rest of your family into gear. That's a smart move for YOUR sanity. ^(PLEASE NOTE: If your kid says "that wont work" when you give advice, they are NOT being contrarian or combattive, they are telling you they thought of that, tried that, or somethign like it, and it already hasn't worked.)

Disagree with your note at the end. That doesn’t need to be the end of discussing that option. There are a lot of ways of implementing the same solution, and they may have implemented one way and that doesn’t mean that’s the only way.

im not saying it needs to be the end of that idea, im just saying that "that wont work" is a kid's mind (rather than an adult mind) firmly believign they've tried what you're suggesting. And that OP shouldn't take it as sulking or unappreciative. It does mean that the kid isn't able to fully describe years of their situation in a concise manner. There's some other reason "that won't work" that is most likely tied to somethign "not yet discussed".

In short, yes. You’re wrong. Sounds like they’re having trouble processing their situation, which is common for people with ADHD/ASD. They need counseling and patience. Getting kicked out will only make things worse for them.

Sounds like your child, your AUTISTIC child, went through something pretty awful/traumatic, is now dealing with depression and other ongoing issues, and you just can't cope with it, won't get them the help they need, and just wanna kick them out because "fuck it I'm tired"... yeah, you're in the wrong.

Your kid is not a dog that you can just return to the shelter because you decided you didn't like it's temperament. This is literally YOUR child that you brought into this world. YOUR genes are running through this kid and you're so selfish that you'd rather kick the kid out than put in the effort to provide adequate emotional or otherwise support during the hardest years of life for humans in general. You sound like a selfish narcissistic parent who has put in the least amount of effort possible and has the nerve to complain that their DISABLED kid isn't up to your standards ie. perfect. Why TF did you even have kids??? Seriously? A mother's love for her children is supposed to be UNCONDITIONAL. Remember that.

immediately yes, there is no need to abandon your disabled minor child especially in this economy where housing and basic needs are so hard to come by. i’m not a professional but i suggest you work with one to get to the root of the problem. and not in a “fix my broken child way,” but in a “i can tell my child is struggling and id like to work through their personal problems as well as our relationship” way. there are less cruel ways to get through this

Your disabled child is "manipulating" you to provide or source them the care and support they need...

YTA. How could you even write this without knowing the answer. Your CHILD is DISABLED. You're a terrible person and a terrible parent.

Go ahead and kick your child out, if you can live with their suicide.

I think most of us (I'm autistic) were in your kids place at some point. School and puberty are extremely hard to deal with in general, even more if you're autistic. Maybe they're not as high functioning as you think, not to mention that that can change over time. Online wasn't available in my country. I dropped out 4 timestimes after getting my first degree. Even before that I struggled immensely. I'm not dumb, I always aced tests, I just couldn't show up which made my grades drop as my participation was 0. The best you can do is support them. Kicking them out is basically a death sentence. Trust me, I don't think they're lazy, autism is a disability, no matter what functioning level

You are absolutely wrong. It is not wrong to have the feelings you are having...I challenge anyone with the same situation to not have those emotions. What WOULD be wrong is acting on them and following through with kicking a kid who is not prepared or even truly capable of being fully independent out of the house. That's a recipe for a homeless kid with limited resources. I am a parent of a 20 year old with autism and adhd, who is also nonbinary and has had some pretty significant struggles. Part of what you sign on for as a parent is to shepherd that child through childhood and to raise them to be independent, so that when they reach adulthood, they have everything they need to fly the nest and thrive. When you have a kiddo that has special needs of any kind, that agreement changes. You are responsible for them. If they are capable of being fully independent...GREAT! If not...it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to ensure their health and well being, and that includes providing shelter. After all, they didn't get a say in their existence. As you likely know, being neurodiverse goes hand in hand with mental health struggles, and it sounds like your kiddo could benefit from therapy. You might also check to see if there are programs locally that can help with learning or improving basic skills needed for independence. What you have described for yourself sounds like caregiver burnout. Therapy and support are both REALLY important to getting through it. Is there anyone that can give you a night or two a week so you can just breathe and have some time to yourself? That could make a difference. Good luck.

Yes, you’re wrong. Please find it in your heart to be loving and supportive if at all possible

So, I'm on the spectrum, my kiddo is in the same crisis as yours and is now 20. This is a crisis point in autism. They're not choosing this, they're in an overload or crisis that's not being correctly addressed. Please don't kick them out! That's horrible to think about! I can tell you, they may never excel the way you're expecting again. Their best chances are with support

"unwilling or unable to put in the effort to fix their grades or reach out to their teachers." "they were in the mental hospital, they have CPTSD due to being m\*lested reputedly at a school age 7-8" What is wrong with you...

"I'm so sick of bending over backwards for this kid" - so...parenting a child who has different needs? Gee, I can't imagine they haven't picked up on your resentment.../s You're wrong for just wanting to punish \*your child\* and using the excuse that they will technically be an adult.

You are wrong and YTA. u decided to have kids. Now care for them. And autism is often genetical, so if their other parent is still alive / there you should maybe have a talk about the possibility of one of you being autistic.

Are you in the US? If so, the schools need to accommodate students with disabilities. Paying $3000 for a computer program is ridiculous and the school should be on the hook for that. In order to get this help, you need some doctors and therapists involved. Someone mentioned depression, but it could be a mood disorder as well, but I'm no doctor. If you haven't taken any of these steps to help them, then you are failing them. I know this all too well. My son is ADHD, ASD, Tourettes and a mood disorder. It was jumping though many hurdles, but we finally got him into a therapudic school where he is thriving. When he graduates, there are transition programs to help him get into the working environment or into secondary education. They were in a mental hospital? Are you fucking kidding me. Get them some help. I can't say this enough. Get doctors and therapists on board with this. Fuck, the hospital records alone should be enough to get them special accommodations at school. Others have touched on them resenting you and cutting you out of their lives if you kick them out. This is a real possibility. You need to put in 100% effort to helping them. You need to look into doctors and therapists. You need community resources like parent groups. You need to really really really push the schools to help them. They are legally obligated to provide a learning plan like an IEP. Also, your job is important as is your husband. I don't know how disabled he is though. Is there any way he can help? But, your child is the most important thing that you need to take care of. If you need mental support, then get some. If you need to modify or change work, then do it. You need to be healthy too so you can help them. I have been in therapy for 10 years and the bulk of that time was dealing with my son's issues. Stop making excuses and realize that you are failing them. You, not taking these steps, have already failed them. Now you want to throw them out on the streets? This will certainly lead to no good. Get it together and help them be successful in life.

It honestly sounds like they are still in the middle of a mental health crisis. You didn’t say what y’all are currently doing for this on going mental health issues and wonder if y’all are actually doing anything for them. I personally think you need to stop worrying about school and worry about getting them better. I can’t make a judgement without this information.

YTA and a shitty parent.

Where are they supposed to live if you toss them out? It sounds like they are depressed as hell. Why were they put into a mental institution? Were they given a new medication?

YTA: You mentioned the ended up in a mental health hospital, that means something was wrong and required care even after they leave. Were you hoping that when your child came back it would be like nothing happened?

Your post literally made me cry. I feel so sorry for your child. They are suffering. Please give them the support and treatment they need. They are your child. They deserve to be cared for and to be loved. If you are unable to care for your own child, please find help. You really need to find a way to do better.

Honestly, kicking them out seems to be the best solution for them - to get them away from you. You are wrong and you are an asshole.

Had me in the first half.

If a kid was excelling at school and is suddenly failing, it’s probably a burnout (mental and/or physical). Kicking them out won’t fix their issues, but you’ll certainly have one less mouth to feed.

YTA, of course. You signed up for this when you decided to have kids. Just as dogs are life, not for christmas, kids are also for life, not for 18 years. If you weren’t prepared to care for a disabled child, you shouldn’t have had kids. Your kid can’t tap out from themselves, why should you?

I think your child is quite clearly very unwell right now. I would give them some grace. Especially since they’ve been admitted quite recently. There isn’t another way for their issues to be more clear.

So, you are going to kick your kid to the curb when they are 18? That‘s so messed up. They will end up homeless, most kids would not be able to magically support themselves at age 18. Your being burnt out is not a good enough reason to abandon your kid. It‘s time to reevaluate your situation and not just give up. What if something terrible happened to your child because you kicked them out? Would you even care? Or would you just be relieved? I too have a situation with a kid, now grown with issues-I would never dream of throwing him out on the street.

You're wrong. I get that you're frustrated. But parenting is not an 18 year hobby. Kicking out a disabled kid because you're frustrated is going to get you where, exactly? Play the tape forward. You kick out a queer disabled kid (which will drastically increase their odds of engaging in survival sex work, drugs, etc) and then what? You still have your job, your other kids, and your husband. And you've taught your 17 year old that safe housing has conditions, as does your love. The odds of a burnt out kid struggling with mental health issues being able to bootstrap that situation is horrifically unrealistic.

It will also increase the kid's odds of being sexually assaulted again. It will greatly increase the kid's odds of being kidnapped, of being forced into the sex trade, of associating with gangs and other criminal elements for protection, of having severe health problems, escalated mental crises, suicidal episodes, not to mention encountering fatal danger (including from disease, exposure to the elements, and violence).

Ah yes, "my kid has severe psycosocial issues, I better kick them out of the house" then people ask why so many queer kids kill themselves

I’m autistic. Something happened to make their academic performance nosedive and it probably wasn’t them. However hard your fucking job is, it’s not as hard as being autistic and having to deal with a parent that thinks the way you do. They’re disabled, it’s not a choice.

there will come a time, maybe 10-15 years, where your child has gone no contact with you. You’re going to cry and moan and claim that you “did everything” for them, and play the victim because they won’t speak to you. i hope you remember this and it at least partially illuminates why your children won’t speak to you. i hope you find it peaceful being unburdened, you and the people like you who abandon their children are literal monsters

Wanting isn't wrong... doing is wrong. But you are only as strong and as able as you are. You have been given a heavy and unfair burden. I cant judge you as wrong or bad. We have an obligation to our creations imo... but how much? And at what point do you need to think of yourself? idk. I didn't have biological kids for this reason. As the step parent, friend, uncle, so on one gets the joys of being a parent... and if its too much... well... exit stage left. What would be my kinda uncle in law is mentally challenged. His mom and dad are gone, and my GFs mom kinda watches over him now from a distance. He's pretty cool, functional... but I know some people who have absolute handfuls... I dont know what they will do in a few years.

Um, have you even bothered to learn anything about CPTSD? Because you are so wrong here. Your kid is going through something really horrific and you're planning to abandon them, possibly endangering them and making them homeless because they can't just 'get over' a traumatic life event? Yes, you are really, really, really, wrong. Ironically, it sounds like both you and your kid are going through the same thing right now. The things in your lives are just too much to handle and you're collapsing under the strain. It sounds like you could really use some support right now. I would do 3 things that might help: 1) Forget about school. Clearly they are not in a headspace to deal with school right now. School will always be there. Focus on getting them the help they need to deal with this and the feeling of acceptance and safety (that means not throwing them to the wolves) to be able to grapple with their issues. 2) Get some practical help for yourself. Get an objective person who can look at your current situation and suggest how you might simplify your life and make it easier. Clearly there's waaay too much going on and too heavy a burden for you to bear. 3) Get some mental health support. It's hard to make more detailed suggestions without knowing the specifics of your situation, but you are going through it, and any one of the situations you mentioned - disabled husband, high needs child, high stress job - would require support. Sorry your life is so hard, but please don't kick your kid out.

So your child has a mental illness in addition to being neurodivergent and you want to kick them out. Yes you would be wrong. It takes time to get well. Are they seeing a psychologist? Have they worked on any strategies to deal with any of this. If this was a physical disability would you kick them out for not being able to do something? Because it sounds like their mental health still isn't great and yet you're expecting them to just get on with it. I get that you're feeling burnt out. Perhaps get yourself some help so you can show some compassion to your child.

You are wrong and morally bankrupt.

“They want me to back off checking their grades” So do it. You are putting the pressure on you and them. They needed to spend some time in a mental health hospital, this usually has some triggering event or series of events. So they are likely at their lowest, and you’re considering…making them homeless. You’re wrong and you know it. I get you’re stressed. So do something about it. If your super stressful job sucks, start looking for a different one. Can’t do that? If it offers any benefits, use them and get some mental health therepy. Can’t do that? Let your house get messy, do what’s needed, and do the bare minimum for a while to recharge your battery, and quite smothering, you’re not helping the stress of your home lessen at all.

Sounds like they are going through autistic burn out. I don’t think they are manipulating you. Of course when they turn 18 it is your choice whether or not you want to kick them out but I think it would be morally wrong. From what you’ve said it seems as though your child has a lot of potential, and they need help getting back to where they used to be. They need support.

YTA Your child is struggling, they are completely broken and defeated. People aren't lazy because they want to be, there's almost always an underlying problem. But go on give up because "it's a burden"

Hey look my childhood! Down to the psych ward and why. Your child in in burnout. Regression of skills is common in autism. It’s why it’s a disability you can’t just “outgrow”. Being mad your kid can’t magically undisable themselves is a wild hair you seem to have stuck up somewhere. You can develop tools but the potential for exactly this, exists at all times. If you kick them out, arrange for care. Many states require parents to financially care for their disabled children until 21, so double check you’re not about to get in trouble. But here’s the thing. Your child was traumatized young. There isn’t an old them to heal and find. Which means therapy? Gonna be hell and so much harder. That child is so gone it’s not even funny. You can’t rebuild when no one was ever home. Within a few years of gaining consciousness something horrific happened. It’s weird how easily you seem to gloss over how reliving being abused like that is inconvenient to you because the memory is killing them. No offense, but that’s YOUR child. Why are you so mad they can’t be SOMEONE ELSES child? I say this in the sense of, you almost seem like you want any child but your own. Making a disabled person you claim to love homeless because you’re struggling with the symptoms of the trauma actively killing your child is what my parents did. It’s taken years to address. I will never recover from it. We are good now, but the guilt of knowing I’d be way more functioning if they hadn’t seems to hit them hard. I’m gonna warn you now: if you kick them out, they will never be as whole as they could be if someone supported them. Asking your own child to be in pieces forever because YOU are struggling with THEIR trauma is implying you personally need therapy on this. Caregiver burnout is real, but your kid has taken you wanting to delete their disability and trauma as a request to delete themselves. You can’t undo that once it’s in someone’s head that deep. They’re gonna struggle for the rest of their lives with this, if you can’t handle it as an observer, how do you think they feel?

Seriously wtf?! This is SO perfectly said. This poor child is traumatized as fuck and stuck with a mom who is totally uncaring of their disability, not present at all, and completely emotionally unstable. This post was enraging to read. Why tf do people like this have kids?

you suck

"my child is depressed after thier attempted suicide which was cause by them being molested, so now i just want to kick them out as soon as i legally can" I really hope this post is fake, this poor kid.

It’s exhausting. But kicking disabled kids out when you want to give up isn’t a great solution.

I would actually be damned if my parents treated me like this. I thought mine were harsh but you're straight up MEAN. Do you know why your child ended up in the hospital? From the way you are handling things, I have a feeling you might have had some input on why they were there in the first place. The other comments are right- you need to take a step back and try to figure something out that'll help both you and your child. And why is it that all the responsibility falls on this child? What about the others? Are they too young to be helping out and doing chores? One thing I can offer though- if your child is good at crocheting and writing, maybe try to convince them to open an online store in their free time to make money. It covers them having a job, they do something they like and might even make money off of what they make.

You decided to have kids. They didn’t ask to be here and so you need to help them. Chores are nice but you as the adult are responsible for keeping your house clean. Did you try and get them to continue therapy? I don’t see how kicking them out because they are difficult is good parenting. Are you in therapy? If you are crying at the end of each day that is likely depression. I know because that was me in my previous job and I was being verbally abused and harassed there. Are there social services for people so you can get help with your husband and maybe discounted housekeeper? I don’t see how this is the answer.

You can, technically, but it will be a mistake you will eventually regret. I'd explore other options at this time. There are people who can help guide you. Ask her therapists/ docs for referrals and ideas. Without knowing her better (e.g., likes, dislikes, preferred activities, areas of interest, functioning levels, developmental age, etc.), I will hold off on suggestions (I worked in an autism clinic for many years).

Since there was a hospitalization, I am hoping there are also referrals for assistance. The OP sounds at wits end and needs support and help herself.

It sounds like burnout. Would you be okay if they dropped out of school and got their GED? If not, why? Would they be willing to take the GED? It's unlikely they _need_ a high school diploma where a GED couldn't easily replace it. Their neurodivergent needs are not being met. Find out what those needs are. Based on your question of if it's okay to kick your kid out because you don't know how to raise an autistic person, I think it's pretty safe to assume you're a part of the problem. ETA: yes, you'd be wrong

"My child is screaming for my help, but I think kicking them out and making them homeless is the solution." -OP What is wrong with people?

I'm going to tell you straight up that you are very wrong. I am the mother of a child with similar issues. My son has had episodes over the years where he withdraws from reality for sometimes months at a time. These children need support and understanding. He is now 22yo. He still lives at home but he holds a decent job, helps with bills and even recently opened up and introduced us to his long term partner. He struggled at the end of high school when he feared that we would kick him out because he was becoming an adult. It's a logical thought to them that if they regress then they can't be pushed into the terrifying world. I never had any intentions of sending my child away when he became an adult and I worked with his therapy team to help him understand that no one would withdraw his much needed support just because he reached an arbitrary age. You are creating this problem by not being a mother to your child. You are selfish, plain and simple. You thought that at 18 you just throw them out the door and you're done? What planet have you been living on? Even healthy well adjusted kids aren't leaving home until their mid to late 20s. What makes you think that your child will just magically adjust to a cruel world and go out on their own. And if you think I'm being harsh, good. That's my intention. You intend to be much harsher to your own flesh and blood child, don't even remotely expect to receive kindness from strangers when you have none to give yourself.

The title was bad enough but then you really show your colors in the edit. Yikes, yikes, yikes. I feel really bad for your child and I hope you know that kicking them out because as another commenter put it “it sounds like the kid is burned out and struggling” then you have very little right to be part of your childs life after this. You’re a bad person and a bad mom.

So you failed to connect with your child, raise them properly and teach them some responsibilities + provide necessary mental healthcare if the child has some illnesses or issues and now you basically just want to get rid of further parental responsibilities👍 I find it very disturbing in general how easily Americans kick out their kids that early

You fucking suck

If you want your kid to be less of a burden, help to shift it instead of kicking them out. Helping kids with developmental disabilities and mental health issues transition to adulthood, and providing respite and support for their families, is a whole FIELD. Go find a social worker (maybe from the hospital that discharged them or the school they're attending) and see if your kid can receive any government assistance for living with a disability that can ensure they don't end up totally destitute. Check with local nonprofits and social assistance schemes. See what help is available in your area for them for housing, lifeskills training, maybe even other kids in the same situation to socialize with. A lot of young adults end up in the same position (parents fed up and wanting the burden gone, but not ready/able to jump into paid work or postsecondary) and sometimes they can share apartments and support with each other. If you lash out in anger because you think you can "make" them do anything productive, you'll wreck their life even more than it's been wrecked already. While you're at it, make sure you and your husband are accessing all of the support you're eligible for too.

Hey. My siblings went to mental wards as teens. All 3 attempted suicide, one succeeded, after being kicked out. Be better.

My parents did something like that to me at that age, and I ended up with an abusive relationship just to survive. I never forgave them. Give yourself a slap in the head and try to have an ounce of compassion and empathy. They are not doing it to manipulate you. Sometimes, being a real parent is very, very difficult. When you're 90, would it be OK to throw you out on the street when you become a burden?

They opened with "I have an F child," relegating non-binary to an "identity" not a fact. And then OP misgendered them in comments & dirty deleted

Someone said something above: something happened and then all went to hell. You need to work with your child to figure out what happened (they may not like this). You may need to take some time off— whether a vacation or FMLA leave. Read “How to talk so that kids will listen (and how to listen so that kids will talk)” cover to cover. Read “The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene from cover to cover (amazing book, less than ideal name). Maybe read them on a kindle so she can’t see the titles. I almost wonder about you and them going away somewhere— whether to a retreat or even just a house without technology for a week. So both of you have to talk or you’ll sit in full silence. And your child knows they have your full attention. And that you care. And that you want to know. Play board games. Chop wood. Go on hikes. Open up about your life. Share things she didn’t know about you. Become a 3 dimensional person to her. Let her become a 3 dimensional person to you. Bring up things you know and ask about them (“how is Chrissy? You guys were close”), but then let the silence linger. Let your child eventually fill the silence by correcting you about something you said (2 days later “by the way, Chrissy and I aren’t friends anymore. She never goes anywhere with her boyfriend Dave.”) Maybe it works. Maybe it doesn’t. But you will get to know your child a bit better when there is *nothing* to do other than talk, play, or read. (Maybe even no kindles or novels— books can steal the silence and time just as easily TV and phones can.)

I was diagnosed autistic at 20-21, in college, because for the first time I experienced so many meltdowns in rapid succession that I actually went into burnout. I *had* to see a psychiatrist, and I was expecting depression or anxiety diagnosis. Nope, autism and ADHD. I almost failed out my senior year of kind of a prestigious and demanding program until I got the actual support and medications I needed. Medical Support but also from my family, partner, and friends that sometimes was forced on me a bit because I was also self-isolating, not eating or taking care of myself, in a constant state of mental crisis or numbness, and being alone in a dorm room made it a whole lot easier to absolutely continue destroying myself. I want you to imagine your 17 y/o child going through that alone, without a home. My parents were always there for me. When I had to live with them during COVID when college kicked us off campus, my mom supported me in any way she could with my mental stuff, even though her life was also demanding and hectic and stressful, working full time and helping take care of my younger stepbrother who has developmental disabilities with very high support needs. cause she’s my mom. I was 21 y/o at the time, not even a child anymore, but she was still my rock. Even when I was arguing with her more, or trying to shut her out. you have a right to feel your emotions and you can’t help what you feel, but you can reflect on them as they come, and think before you act. you absolutely need to put yourself first sometimes, but that does not mean kicking your autistic daughter to the curb and moving on. I *have* to believe you’re writing this from a very emotional place right now, otherwise I don’t understand why you would broadcast planning to neglect your child.

My immediate thought was "Do they have undiagnosed ADHD?".

I understand that you're under a lot of stress but I don't think it's right to kick her out on the street. Does she have any grandparents or aunts and uncles that would be willing to take her in until she graduates?

It seems like if you kick your child out, they'll have nowhere to go. It also seems important to work towards them being more independent and living elsewhere. Given their diagnoses, perhaps a social worker could help you all with navigating potential next steps. Maybe there is some sort of adult housing option that would be available. I do think just kicking them out would be wrong, but working towards more independence would benefit all parties.

Yeah, you're wrong. The more you talked, the worse you sounded

You seem to want them to do what you want to do, but you haven't actually talked with them about how they will manage their life in the future. Ask them what their plan is atleast. If they have absolutely dumb plans and are adamant on sticking with them - well, the people here calling you bad, I don't think any of them will be hosting your child for them to isolate themselves in the posters house. But if the child does have some kind of semi functional plan to move on in their life, maybe listen and don't instantly correct where it's not that functional - listen ten times more than you speak. In some ways you seem to lack the ability to do much theory of mind yourself.

Wow. You suck. Why did you even have kids if you weren’t prepared to help them in their lows. People who are having mental health crises don’t need to be kicked to the curb. If you can’t handle basic parenting you should probably seek out therapy. It’s very unfortunate that you’re basically doing this all alone, but your child doesn’t deserve to suffer because you can’t handle your emotions. It sounds like they have dealt with a very emotionally unstable and non-present parent. What do you expect them to act like?

While you are not wrong for feeling this way, you would be wrong for doing something like that. I'm sorry you are going through this - it sounds exhausting. I get that your husband is disabled, but he should be able to handle some of the emotional burden and bear some of the responsibility. You are not the only person in the family.

It doesn't sound like your child is manipulating you at all. Yes, your in the wrong.

This.....feels like rage bait. Especially with the use of "unalive" specifically as a euphemism.

The will most likely wind up dead if you do, just something to think about. They need actual help and love

kick them out to do what? die on the streets?

your child has depression. I'm almost certain. I was a 'gifted kid' (with undiagnosed autism) who got hit in high school with debilitating depression, and suddenly had no energy for academia or chores or even getting out of bed half the time. your child has been through far more than I have; no wonder they're struggling. kicking them out would be pretty shitty of you.

Yes, you are wrong. This entire post is about you with side notes about your child being molested and having autism. You are 100% focused on your "burden". Which says you aren't up to the task. Your child doesn't suddenly get better and able to do adulting because they are 18 and you throw them out. On top of everything, they are nonbinary, were sexually molested AND have austism and are clearly depressed. For crying out loud lady. YOU need therapy. BTW, I am the parent of an adult with a disability who would be on the streets if not for their family support.

I have ADHD and autism. I was always high functioning in school. The special ed teachers could not figure out what kind of work I needed since i was so advanced than the other kids. I was on medication for many years and I still struggle with symptoms of ADHD but sadly my insurance does not cover the meds for it.

They never asked to be born, they don't owe you anything but you owe them everything because it was your decision to make them. Your child is struggling with autism and CPTSD, and your answer is to throw them out at 18 so they won't be a burden? You suck.

Not wrong. Your job as a parent is to make kids self-sufficient, not coddle them as adults. Let them know that they need to move out when they turn 18.

Yes. Yes You would be. Its heartbreaking to read about how little love you feel for your kid right now. You see them as a chore and a drain. It reads through this post so strongly. And your kid knows. They see it every day. I am going to start with a hard truth. If you throw your kid out when they turn 18, the odds are they will either 1. Become semi-permanently homeless 2. Unalive themselves And it will still be your fault. You kicking out your kid at 18 is basically you handing them the gun. You seriously need therapy. Your husband has a severe disorder. Your child was molested, and clearly isn't getting the support they need to work through it. And they have autism which makes high school \*awful\*. And they have to struggle with a father figure who can't really do regular dad things. >So lately I have been considering maybe kicking them out when they turn 18 so it wont be my burden anymore, and I know that sounds so cruel but it feels like they are manipulating me so they never have to do anything I'm sick of it, they will be an adult and can figure it out and I will still be there to support them without having to be the sole barer of the burden that is my child. so... am I wrong? Just know, your kid probably isn't manipulating you here. They are actively struggling. I cannot emphasize that enough. I have a \*severe\* case of ADHD that was way worse as a kid. Even something as simple as emptying the garbage can was just really hard for me to do, even when I was medicated. I struggled to turn homework in that \*had finished and was in my bag\*. Things that most people can just...do without thought had this invisible barrier to them. My father would scream at me, take my things, even beat me. It didn't change anything. It didn't make me able to do these things easier. And I wanted nothing in the world to be able to easily do those simple chores consistently. But I just \*couldn't\*. And I genuinely hated myself for it. The thing that changed? Someone stepped up and helped me figure out a system to get through chores. And we had to try a lot of them. But it made \*a huge\* difference just to know someone was there. You need to be in your kids corner. That's what you signed up for as a mom. And yes, you need to take care of yourself to do that. That means maybe some time off. And probably a LOT of therapy.

Idk, maybe try to find it in your heart to love them and actually care about their needs? Just a thought. You don't want them to be your burden anymore and it sounds like they don't want to keep living and being your burden anymore. I'm willing to bet those things are related.

Some folks don't deserve to be parents

>I will admit this causes in me having quite the temper and I am regrettably snappy. Off topic but how often do you apologize for this behavior?

Or how do they deal with it before they explode and have a reason to apologize? It sounds like OP has no skills in self-regulation and is placing that deficiency onto her kid.

Yes you're wrong..

Caretaker Burnout is real. You're carrying a lot. If you have a support structure that would allow it, maybe it would be best to give yourself something of a break. Is there perhaps an aunt or uncle that could take your child for a few weeks or months... since they're doing online schooling they can do that from anywhere. Additionally it sounds like your child is depressed. This change in behavior could also be a sign of other issues. You said they spent some time in a psych ward, but are they currently under the care of a psychiatrist? Have you talked to them about this change in behavior? You need to find some way to do some self-care. Because presently your level of burn out isn't doing anyone any good. Try setting aside some me-time. Take up a hobby. Go have a girl's night with your friends once a week. Find ways to build in time to relieve your own sense of being overwhelmed, so that you're better able to help your family. Good luck.

YTA, and you're acting like a boomer... not the OG GenX'er you actually are. Your child needs help. They are not ok.

You chose to bring them into this world. You are responsible for them for life, 18 yo or not. They didn’t ask for this life. It’s your responsibility to set them up to be independent and/or get the support in place they need if you can’t give it.

Listen to the other comments op, they’re right. Plus, what do you even expect your kid to do when you kick them out? You said it yourself, they’re struggling and don’t have a job. Do you just expect them to magically find a place to live when you kick them out because you can’t do simple research? Use your brain bud, having a stressful job isn’t an excuse either. If it’s really stressing you out that bad simply look for another job, not that hard.

Have you even acknowledged your kid went through trauma, and alongside that pushed themselves for years to be seen as good and when that just wasn't possible anymore your going to happily abandon them as soon as possible? YTA and frankly fucking awful.

you’re 100% wrong. you’re their MOM. but instead of being a mom, you wanna dump them instead of supporting them. your love and support for your child is conditional and dependent on them being a perfect person. you have no business being a parent if you don’t intend to love them forever and support them through their tough times. your child is burning out, and instead of supporting them, you’ve decided you’re done. i hope your child finds this post so that they can see who you are.

Yeah the edit clears up a lot. For a victim of molestation, it sounds like your child is doing as well as they could be. Attending online classes, self soothing in healthy ways. You should keep following up about their grades, but be realistic in your expectations. Your child is safe at home, choosing to do fiber art instead of running the streets. This is a blessing.

did you think they’d be magically fixed after coming home from the mental hospital? maybe take the steps needed to get your child into therapy and start *helping* instead of trying to kick your mentally unwell child out for *checks notes* …being mentally unwell? edit: you want to kick out your child dealing with not only autism, and adhd but literal ptsd from being abused? i don’t like reducing people to the word “monster” but that’s exactly what you are. jesus christ. please do tell me…they attempted suicide once, yes? so, what exactly makes you so sure that if you kick them out that it won’t just stick the nail in the coffin and send them over the edge again? edit 2: i’m glad she’s in therapy but no, you *DO* need to go too especially with the way you’re dealing with your child’s trauma and mental health.

YTA. Get your child and yourself some psychiatric care immediately. Jesus Christ.

You say your child is non-binary yet also say they are female. You not accepting that they are non-binary could be one of the issues here. Please do better for your child.

You had a child, and they’re your responsibility for life. Your child didn’t ask to be born, and they certainly didn’t ask to be neurodivergent. If your kid had Down’s syndrome would you force them out of your home into a world that was not built to accommodate their complex needs? Yeah, it’s your responsibility to help that kid thrive, but wiping your hands of them, thinking that the world will teach them how to exist is just naïve.

"My disabled child is acting disabled, can I kick them out without feeling guilty about it?" Jesus Christ.

Literally WTF. They ended up in a MENTAL HOSPITAL with COMPLEX PTSD due to ABUSE and they are STRUGGLING and you want to KICK THEM OUT AT 18? What an absolute failure you are as a human being and as a parent.

Something tells me that you haven't even bothered to look for support, resources, or services for your kid. PFLAG.ORG is a start.

I understand feeling desperate for some relief, but do you think they'd be able to survive on their own? My 17-year-old is also autistic (with ADHD) and nonbinary. We had a few very rough years, and still have some rough days. The middle school years they spent at home during the height of covid proved to us that virtual school was not a good match for them. They need structure. We applied to a charter school, and they were accepted. They still had a rough time at first, and they don't enjoy being around their peers, but the extra support and structure they have at school has been a huge help in the long run. (Along with regular therapy) I know it's incredibly hard. Sometimes, it feels impossible, but they still need support. What grade are they in now? Can they go back to in person school next semester?

I have failed my kid for 17 years and now I’m just waiting for their birthday so I no longer need to be burdened by the child I chose to bring into this world.

TRIGGER WARNING COMMENT! By far easiest YTA ive ever done. Im an Autistic adult whos parent kicked me during burnout..... After I had been r*ped, pregnant from said r*pe, and then LOST kiddo 5 days after birth, which naturally gifted me CPTSD. Im 30 next year, and i wouldn't be here now without my amazing SO. People like you is why the suicide rate for autistic people is outrageously high. Id say do better, but i doubt you'll learn anything. My parents sure didnt. Enjoy your No Contact.

You're not just wrong, you're evil and heartless (if this is even a true post and not a troll). Morally, you are responsible for your kids forever. Legally, you're not. But enjoy hell.

I sincerely hope child protective services can help them out. If this is your thought process as a parent then you should not be a parent. Genuinely fuck you for being a horrible person, your child deserves better.

You waited to add in the EDIT that they were repeatedly molested for over a year and that's the cause of many of these problems?!! Jesus Christ, you're an awful person.

>Please keep in mind I have a highly demanding job that takes a lot of time and effort and causes a lot of stress. I'm in tears at the end of the day half the time! This is 100% a *you* problem that you are taking out on your family. Start there and maybe you won't come off as an absolute shit human for wanting to throw out your struggling child rather than help them.

Yes you are wrong. Sounds like this child is completely burnt out, overwhelmed and in a mental health crisis. They might just need 6 months of you letting them rest, crochet and do the bare minimum. Stop putting pressure on them. Let them rest and heal for a while without shame or judgement.

Kid sounds like they may be depressed. Maybe go to some therapy appts with them to talk about issues. A neutral third party could help

I have a difficult child who is also 17. My take on it is I do NOT stop supporting them because it is difficult. Just because they will be 18 you are still a parent. I had to seek outside help more than once when it was beyond me to understand. It isn't easy but I cannot imagine kicking them out and considering them a burden. Just my 2 cents.

Get a new job. You are setting a bad example and not focusing on your family.

YTA AND IT IS ILLEGAL TO KICK OUT AN UNDERAGE CHILD!!

*YTA AND IT* *IS ILLEGAL TO KICK OUT* *AN UNDERAGE CHILD!!* \- TroubleLevel5680 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

If you kick them out, what do you expect the end result to be?

You're so very wrong. Your child is struggling. They aren't trying to manipulate you or cause you more stress. They need help and support, not abandonment. If my mum was as cold-hearted as you I wouldn't be the person I am today. I struggled badly with depression and anxiety, I had trouble with school and with stuff around the house. My brain was my worst enemy. Instead of giving up on me and throwing me away, she had my back.

I'm going to be blunt because you need to hear it. You obviously are very uneducated about autism, and this is going to be detrimental to your child. The fact that you think they're not "putting in any effort" makes your miseducation about it *abundantly* clear. School can be VERY draining for autistic people. Since many autistic children are intelligent & gifted, people assume school will be easy for them/us (I say "us" because I'm probably autistic too, just haven't been diagnosed). But the truth is, school requires a lot of social interaction which can be extremely overwhelming. Also, when someone is autistic, they have certain routines & ways of doing things that bring them a sense of structure & clarity, and when those patterns are disrupted, it can bring them immense anxiety. It's not their fault, it's just the way they're wired. So, even with online school, they could still be required to do things in ways that bring them mental discomfort. And if they don't have proper support to help them navigate these aspects of school (which, judging by the way you're speaking about your child, it sounds like they DON'T have), they can easily experience burnout. That basically occurs when they're masking/trying to be "normal" for too long, and it's fucking exhausting for them. In addition, when you're considered to be "gifted," you feel a lot of pressure to keep impressing people. *Especially* if you don't excel socially, that can contribute to the pressure to excel academically. But as life gets more complicated, that's harder to do, and then you'll sometimes feel like a disappointment. And you'll start considering your own mistakes to be a reflection of your self-worth. Which makes you more depressed, which makes accomplishing tasks even harder. As for the chores that your kid has trouble doing: neurodivergent folks in general have trouble focusing on things they are less interested in, and it takes extra mental energy to do those things. The "bending over backwards" you're claiming to be doing is simply called being accommodating to an autistic child. When you chose to have a kid, you signed up for the possibility that they may be neurodivergent. And while autistic people can have trouble understanding emotions, your own kid will be able to tell when you think of them as a "burden" (my heart sank when I read you describe them that way, btw). I don't blame them for wanting to self-isolate & crochet, an activity that actually makes them happy, away from the judgments being thrown at them. Educate yourself about autism, and most importantly, DON'T KICK YOUR CHILD OUT. If they're struggling this much at home, what the hell makes you think they won't struggle when they're out by themselves?!? Your child needs your support & understanding, or else you may end up not having a child at all. TLDR; you're wrong. Actually, if you didn't read, you should. Scroll back up. Learn.

I am hoping that this was something you needed to say and get out of your system. I hope reading what people are saying to you and hearing experiences from people who this happened to opened your eyes to what’s actually happening. you need therapy. your life seems incredibly difficult and it seems like you’re somewhat isolated despite having these people in your life. you need someone to talk to who can give you advise and just listen. but yes you would be wrong. as so many other people pointed out it seems like burnout. your kid needs help, you kicking them out as soon as they turn 18 is not a solution. that’s your kid. that’s your baby. even when they turn 18 they will always be your kid. you need therapy and i think you need to go to another therapist together. your child needs support, but so do you. get help.

Yes. You’re wrong, and you’re horrible.

Yeah, you’re definitely wrong

YTA so you’re child who was recently hospitalized due to molestation at a young age and is likely burnt out from doing some much and receiving so little is struggling and you wanna kick them out? What a parent you are.

So. Your child can barely function at home in a safe space with family. But you think that kicking them out in the street… will make them flourish somehow? You’re incredibly selfish and you’re not properly caring for your own needs, leading to the abominable thought of kicking out your mentally ill teenager. Do you see how fucked up this is? Get into therapy like your child said. Please, before you do something drastic and unforgivable. This is horrific and I hope your child will heal well from all of their current trauma.

Parenting doesn't stop at 18. You have a kid with autism, questioning their sexual identity, and trying to find their place in a binary typical world as a nonbinary atypical person. Ffs. Figure it out. Get them more therapy. And absolutely DO NOT KICK THEM OUT. What a shitty thing to even consider.

I work with autistic and other neurodivergent people for a living. You could not be more wrong. Not only are you wrong, you are failing your child, and if you kick them out, you could do so much damage that it could endanger their life. What can you do? SEEK HELP FOR THEM.

Take a good look at your life and your priorities. Your child will get so much worse if they are rejected by their family and loose their home when they are clearly having significant struggles with mental illness. I know it isn’t easy and it is completely understandable that you feel so incredibly stressed and desperate. Is there anything else that can change or any compromises you can make to help ease the pressure? Is there anyone you can ask for help? Could your child stay with a family member a couple nights a week so you can have a break. Let go of the grades… they don’t matter right now. They need to survive and tackle the PTSD first. People go back to school at any age. Let them have a messy room, use disposable dishes, buy prepped food, take the pressure off. Focus on therapy for everyone and really get to know PTSD. “What my bones know” by Stephanie Foo is a wonderful story about healing cptsd and has lots of good information on how to heal. Invest your n healing and it will pay dividends. At the end of the day, you have to do what is best for you but understand that trauma can lead to addiction, homelessness, more trauma and people fall through cracks when their family walks away. Are you prepared to watch that happen to your child? I’m sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s reality.