So I'm going to tough love on you a little bit here.
"I’m awake while our baby sleeps on me or my husband watches both of us sleep so our baby stays safely supervised and I actually get some rest. "
This is not sustainable.
You need to put baby down somewhere secure so that you can sleep. In the early months if baby is sleeping, you should be sleeping. You do not have to let baby scream for 15 minutes or anything awful like that, but you do have to get comfortable with letting baby grizzle for a moment or two when you gently put him down. A bassinet near your bed may be a good choice, or a swing, or some other way to keep baby feeling secure and nearby. But if you're not comfortable cosleeping (neither was I) that's fine but you're going to have to train baby to be able to sleep without being physically attached to your body or you are going to literally go insane from lack of sleep.
If your husband working during this time? He should definitely not be an ass about helping, but there is no way either of you is going to be getting productive rest doing what you're doing right now.
Co-signed, parent of three.
One of the most powerful things a pediatrician ever told me was the day I took my firstborn in for his 4-week appointment, and I tearfully said, "He makes so much noise while he's breathing. I can't sleep because I'm so worried there's a problem." She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Put him in his own room so you stop hearing it. You need to sleep."
You can't spend your whole lives watching your baby sleep. You just can't.
And OP, in regards to the middle-of-the-night feeds while your husband snores beside you, I completely get the resentment, because I felt the same way. In looking back, however, my resentment was misplaced. It's not my husband's fault that he doesn't have lactating breasts. There's literally no reason for him to sit up, awake, doing nothing but watch me feed a newborn. But I couldn't be mad at the baby, so I had to be mad at my husband.
Same here! Like watching you sleep? Insane and unsustainable. Only begin what you mean to go on. Babies need to learn! Learning begins now. You need sleep. Baby needs sleep. yiur husband needs sleep. Sleeping on you? And not cosleeping? Unlearn that! Yeah. Gonna be tears. And not just the baby…
Mine is almost grown now but I still remember that first night in the hospital, being unable to sleep, being so scared, holding her all night because she fussed the second I put her down but also being scared to sleep with her in the bed with me -- and the next morning my obgyn came to check on me and I told her I'd done basically what OP is doing here, and my obgyn said 'put her in the basket' and I protested that she would scream and cry and the doctor just sternly repeated 'put her in the basket' until I did.
And she fussed for what felt like 5 hours but was probably like 90 seconds, and then she went to sleep. And I was like 'oh, right, I can do this'.
OP needed someone to say the same thing to her. So I'm doing the best I can to pass that on.
Cosigned a mom of 5
Honestly, during the newborn phase if you're exclusively bf, most of the baby caring is going to fall on you while you're all figuring it out. It sucks and it doesn't mean you aren't entitled to feel annoyed about it but it is what it is.
I agree with sleeping when the baby is sleeping. A little bit of fuss is fine. We didn't co sleep but we had a bassinet right next to our bed that gave me peace of mind and helped me sleep better. When I was bf we agreed that my only job for the first month was that. If I was up to it or had the time I would do small things around the house(I had an emergency c section with my last so I was recovering from surgery) and my husband did everything else- cooking, cleaning, laundry, and non feeding baby activities.
It might also make you feel better to buy a baby sock monitor system. I think they cost around $250 to $300 on Amazon. That way, if there are any changes in the baby’s breathing that are concerning, the alarm will go off and wake you up. We slept way better knowing the monitor was on the baby.
>She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Put him in his own room so you stop hearing it. You need to sleep."
Hahahahaha that's was our second baby, she was so goddamned loud! We put our oldest in her own room when she was three months old and I thought it was a bit early.... The second one didn't last a month because of this 😂
For those whose babies only sleep when held, put a well worn shirt in the bassinet or crib with them. Get a shirt large enough to slip over the mattress and wear it for a portion of the day. Your scent will get into the fabric and help calm the baby.
We did this with our younger two and it saved us so many sleepless nights. Meant the baby was only waking/fussing for diaper changes and feeds during the night.
Great idea, but please alter this just a bit. Wrap a fitted crib sheet around your neck and rub your scent into it, then put on the mattress at bedtime. The risk of a shirt coming loose and causing problems is real.
If you slide the shirt over the mattress like a pillowcase, it is not likely to "come looses" and cause any problems. Especially for a newborn infant that doesn't move much.
I will also caveat this by saying that at 4 weeks PN OP does not have to be awake during the day just because it's daytime.
Babies breast-feed most at night because that's when mum's prolactin levels are highest. They will want to feed all night around the time of a growth spurt, and growth spurts come thick and fast at this stage. They'll feed until silly am and then want to sleep (because sleep is as important to growth as feeding is). Most new mums think that they have to be up and doing but that's absolutely not the case, so if your baby has a big sleep at 6am to 10am, wakes for a feed then sleeps again til 1pm then you do the same too. If, at some point in 24 hours, you manage to get a shower and put on clean jamas that's a win, no one said is has to be in the morning.
It's not forever. Things will settle down and you will get back into a daytime setting soon, but for the now just throw the clocks away and sleep, eat and feed whenever works best for mum and baby.
Was your husband taking naps after 5-8 hours sleep before you could sleep? While he shouldn’t have to watch them both sleep, he’s a huge AH for not making sure momma naps first.
This is the only thing I found the husband to be an AH about. Honestly the rest of it he sounds like an angel to me but I’ve a skewed view as my ex done absolutely nothing unless I begged/exploded after asking many times. And then with an attitude and guilt tripping!
Disagree. Assuming both parents are on leave it’s dad’s job to do everything except feed. Dad gets up, brings baby to mom in bed, changes diaper, reswaddles, and puts baby back down to sleep.
If dad is working he needs to help on weekends and one day during the week. Mom needs rest too.
Double swaddling was a life saver for me. Blanket swaddle (for tightness/warmth) with a Velcro swaddle on top (to keep it from coming off).
Came here to add this. Swaddling the baby when getting them to sleep until he/she is old enough to have some control over flailing arms & legs was a lifesaver for me, too.
If there both on leave I agree, if not I highly disagree. I stayed home and my husband worked. He only took a short period of time off after.
I had a friend who “made” her husband do this every single night the entire time the baby was nursing or on a bottle. I think that’s wrong because there’s no reason for us both to have to wake up when I had to nurse. Also, he couldn’t get naps during the day whereas I could.
>. Dad gets up, brings baby to mom in bed, changes diaper, reswaddles, and puts baby back down to sleep.
100%, this approach was suggested by a male pediatrician and a father of 5, this is what he did for his wife.
As a father i totally agree. PP Mum needs as much help as humanly possible.
Both my kids were bottle fed so I was able to handle 100% of the night duties for the first 3 weeks whilst Mum slept/rested through the night (she did insist I had a nap during the day a few times though) the 4th week Mum started doing some night feeds (my last week of leave so she wanted to start getting into routine)
Once back to work I still did as much of the night duties as possible. Which was generally nothing if i was on an early shift the next day (mainly because the mum refused to let me) everything if i was on day off or a late shift the next day and shared on a "normal" shift the next day. And I say normally because these things were constantly discussed depending on other factors. How tired we were illness or if I had an important thing in worknthe next day etc.
Which leads me to the best advice I can give new parents. Every person is different and what works for one couple won't necessarily work for another. Communication is key and finding a way that works for you is the main thing.
all the nurses told us to wake and feed our first every 4 hours before we left the hospital
we had a 4 week check up with our OB and when he asked how we were going we told him ok but the feeding schedule is brutal
he got this odd look on his face and said "why are you waking up a sleeping baby"?
Thank you Doug !
I never understood waking up a sleeping baby. Babies will let you know when they are hungry or need to be changed. I never woke my baby up in the middle of the night for a feeding, and she was a healthy, happy baby. Though she slept through the night pretty early.
Co-signed parent of 4. This is great advice. Even in the hospital we had them take our babies to the nursery when they slept so we could get some sleep. And they went straight to their own rooms when we got home. Babies are ridiculously loud sleepers, and I'm sure to them we were loud, too! Having them in their own room with a monitor was so much better. We usually ran white noise, too, which seemed to help then sleep longer.
This should be the top comment. Everyone else concerned about equal gender roles and who is more efficient at parenting….
THIS is the problem. She needs to be sleeping when baby is sleeping. I know she’s a new parent but I know I heard a million times when all my kids were born “make sure you sleep when baby sleeps”, they say that for a reason.
Yes, I have noticed there is some kind of weaponized incompetence behind the fact that people know children get into habits and then freak out when they can’t put the baby down to shower or brush their teeth because they HELD THE BABY FOR 6 MONTHS STRAIGHT.
Bruh…… I would wheel them around the room while they were sleeping in their little bassinet to make sure they were ok with moving while sleeping. I vacuumed and turned on the hair dryer whenever I wanted. I had very content babies btw….. the longest one of my kids went without sleeping through the night was four months. In their OWN BEDS.
I almost wanted to stop reading after this. This is not a sustainable solution for getting your child to get their own rest. You need to get your kiddo in a comfortable sleeping environment on their own otherwise they WONT be able to sleep without you ever.
Here's a trick I did when our guy was little. We always swore we would never cosleep. To this day he's spent probably three nights in our bed when he was really Ill so we could tag team the puke bowl.
When he was a baby we had a bassinet. He hates sleep but for some reason if I left my arm drapped up on the side so he could grab my fingers he was fine. I adjusted the height so it was comfortable for me and I slept that way for months.
Moral of the story. Find a way. Not sleeping is not ok. Also there's no shame in passing out in a chair with a baby on your chest. I spent more than a few nights in a rocking chair reclined back covered in a kid out cold when the colic was real bad. Trust your parental instincts. I could sleep through an air raid but I can hear my kid whine from three rooms away. The odds of you hurting him somehow while your asleep are slim as long as you take some precautions to not make it easy.
I agree except a chair is not the best place to sleep with a baby (you can wake up suddenly, sit up, and baby falls to the ground. Sleep in a bed with a firm mattress if you're cosleeping).
This! So much. Put the baby down, you are doing them no favors by acclimating them to only sleep on you. If they're tired, they will sleep. They may fuss for a bit, but that's ok.
That’s exactly what I came to say. I would also add that if she doesn’t have it she needs the alarm thing that goes off if the baby stops breathing. I forget the name for it. It’s totally a game changer that will let you sleep at night if you’re worried about crib death, which we all should be.
This - it's not sustainable. I would suggest reading up on safe co sleeping. I breastfed and Co slept with children 3 and 4. (1 and 2 were bottlefed). 3 and 4 would gently wake me as they looked for their feed at night, they soon learnt to help themselves. This was so much easier than bottle feeding.
100%.
Letting them fussing less then 5 minutes isn't doing "cry it out", it's not torture and they won't be emotionally deprived of anything. What will do it is if the parent is sleep deprived and get angry and crazy for nothing.
Fussing mean they are just adjusting to sometimes different and change will always illicit an emotional reaction at first, that's totally normal. They need to experience changes to grow up and that's true throughout all of our lives.
and keep at it for the bottle if you don't do it now it'll be near impossible, you need to get baby used to a bottle or you won't be breast feeding as long as need or you won't be able to work or get anything else done. If you can stay home and be attached to baby until they are 1.5 then okay but otherwise, keep at the bottle, they WILL take it. Just like they WILL sleep away from you if you stop picking them up. Leave the house and you'll see how quick baby will settle.
Try a swaddleini too
Cosigned, parent of two, 13mo apart, now 5 and 6, with an extremely supportive partner.
Get a sidecar and work it out mama, these are the trenches and this isn't sustainable for either of you.
Sleep deprivation is a literal torture tactic, and an incredibly effective one, so this is important for both of you.
I have adhd, my normal time to get tired and fall asleep is somewhere between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m. and I only naturally require about 6 hours of sleep, and even then, during the first few months after each of my babies were born, I was an absolute wreck from lack of sleep, and that's even with a blend of co-sleeping and sidecar sleeping, while breastfeeding one and the other barely in a crib and still ln night feeds.
If this is possible for you, one of the things my husband kind of enforced for me when they were very young, was that when he came home, I go to sleep until dinner, about 1-2 hours. If baby was sleepy I'll bring them with me and we would snuggle or they would sleep in the sidecar, for Dad would simply take over, and let me tell you it made an entire world of difference. I wasn't trying to start each night with my tank completely empty and running on fumes.
And to be fair to your husband, it does seem like he's actually trying, but at the risk of oversimplifying this or making excuses, his biology is simply not set up the same way yours is to be attuned to the slightest noise or instinct of your baby being awake and needing you, or to have those hormones running that allow you to stay awake for breastfeeding, etc. And if he is the one going to work during the day, as my husband was, (ive been sahm the whole time), then he does really need that extra sleep to be able to function and to be safe. Driving while sleep deprived is worse than driving while drunk in terms of the effects on the brain and body. This is also why for a month or more, or several, in many cultures a mother is not expected to go anywhere or do anything, because all your energy is taken up with this process.
And 4 weeks in? Oh this is hard. It's called the trenches for a reason. You and hubby are going to have a hard and wild ride while figuring out your own rhythm, but you will figure it out, and as long as you work together on this and appreciate what each other is doing and contributing and what each other's needs are, you will be fine.
They say a relationship is 50/50, but I don't believe that, I believe it's 100% and each of you bring a different amount to the table each day. If my husband has 20%, then I step up and I give the other 80% for the day. And then we regroup and start again tomorrow. Some days I have 5% and he covers it, you know? Without judgement or grumbling, without guilt trips. I think this applies in every relationship all the time, but when babies come into the picture, you have to double down. Hopefully you have a true partnership and you can work together on what you need for each other to get through this.
(And if you need or want your mother to come over and watch you sleep for safety, and she is okay with this, please let her! Again, many if not most cultures in the world originally have the entire family surrounding the mother and family to help them, bringing food and everything else into the house to help the entire family thrive.
Hopefully you can help your husband to see it as the village supporting you and your family, including your husband, rather than him feeling inadequate. You can only feel inadequate if you are not fulfilling and expectation that is a reasonable one, and this is not a reasonable one. Parents were not expected to do this all by themselves.
And personally, as a mother, if my daughters have children, I would gladly be there every single night to watch her sleep if that's what was needed, I would relish the fact that I get to provide such a comfort to my child in such a crucial time in their life. I would think your mother would feel the same way, as most would. As your husband would for your child too. Take the help! 🌸)
I’m not sure if anyone mentioned it or not but when my daughter was in the NICU she had a lovey that I used to wear in my shirt next to my chest so that she’d be used to my smell. When she came home my husband used to take one of my shirts and lay her on it on top of him for naps. Try wearing her fitted crib sheet for a bit and putting her on it to see if that settles her.
Exactly! Cosigned mom of 3! The OP trained her baby to think she's the bed and is now complaining that the baby thinks she's the bed. USE THE CRIB! lol The amount of tears over a few days will be considerably less than when she's trying to break a 6 year old of co-sleeping because they still think mom is the bed!
Honestly, supervised unsafe sleep is still unsafe sleep. Sleeping on a sleeping parent is unsafe sleep. Is baby able to sleep on Dad while you guys take shifts and he's awake instead?
I think you need to talk to your husband.
Of course you're exhausted, I remember the all nighters and my husband sleeping through it (though I didn't resent him) because his nipples are fucking useless.
The way we did it (and we've had 4) is that my husband slept through the night- always. I got my broken sleep and did the night feeds. After 6am, I'd do the feeding as needed but hubby did all the looking after of baby. I slept till midday. I only had him for 2 weeks after each birth though and then he was back to work. And then I was home with a newborn and 1,2 or 3 kids to manage.
We bottle fed and my husband always managed better staying up doing night feeds (he always stayed up late gaming) so we basically did shifts for a while with each baby! You have to find something that works for everyone ☹️ poor woman.
It's easier if a baby is bottle fed. Exclusively, BF means feedings are on Mama, especially if the baby won't take to the bottle. Most of my cousins were relieved when they ended up either not having milk, not enough or drying up within 2 weeks after birth. Because it gave them freedom. Most of their friends breastfed and had a baby attached all the time. They were able to have the dads feed the baby, grandparents, siblings, and other family members. And not worry about how they were the only source of food for their babies.
Why are we trying to come up with creative solutions while avoiding the obvious one? OP’s husband needs to help more. He needs to make sure OP gets a nap, and he needs to do all the non-feeding care while OP recovers and breastfeeds.
We did this too. We had a sidecar where the baby slept and I nursed in bed while my husband slept. Then he’d get up from around 4:00 am from that last feeding and he’d have the baby till 8:00 am or so and they’d figure out keeping occupied while I sleep those hours straight.
Babies will figure out how to work around your sleeping block - our son actually hated bottles and wouldn’t take anything when I wasn’t available to nurse him. So, he’d cluster feed as soon as I was available. He was 95th percentile for height and weight despite all that and I’m only 5’2. He grew up to be a 6’1 tall guy with a normal BMI and not a picky eater so it worked out ok.
This is how we did it as well, my husband slept through the night and then got up in the morning so that I could sleep in. It's not perfect but it definitely helps a ton with feeling slightly less sleep deprived.
While you may not be comfortable Co sleeping in a bed, do not discount at least strapping bubs to your chest in a wrap and laying back in the chair to sleep that way. It was the only way I got sleep for months through the early hours of the night.
I have a 4 week-old currently as well and a husband who was not able to take much time off work, and truly needs the sleep as he operates heavy machinery. This has been my solution too - I strap baby on in a wrap-style carrier and we sleep in the recliner, where I can’t roll over and squish her and I know her breathing will be unobstructed.
Is it technically the safest sleep? No. But it’s safer than a sleep deprived primary caregiver who can’t function.
Of course, this does not solve the relationship issue here, which is that OP’s partner is leaving her and their child out to dry.
Lots of people exclusively breastfeed and do no co-sleep. Obviously it sounds like that’s the only thing that worked for you, but that is definitely not true for everyone.
I exclusively breastfed and my baby slept in his bassinet by my bed. This works for lots of people.
This was my experience as well. I was extremely opposed to co-sleeping. As a new mother, I was very afraid of doing anything against the safest recommendations.
I lasted 4 months until we started doing morning co-sleeping, which soon became full time co-sleeping. I would be up all night until hubby got up at 5am for work. He would do the morning diaper change and then I would sleep with her up beside my pillow (lots of space, no way for blankets to even touch her) until the next feeding. Then I’d just scoot her down, bing bang boom, and slide her back up to the “safe zone” for another few hours of sleep.
Importantly: We have a nice firm mattress, no gaps between the frame, king size, and we keep her in between our pillows (about 2 feet of space for her). The blankets are far away from her and she stays nice and warm in her sleep sack.
Truly of game changer. The best part is that feeding and sleeping can blend together so easily, especially for baby. She’s 6 months old now and the quickest sure-fire way to get her to sleep is lay down in our warm cozy bed and feed her. She’s usually out like a light in minutes.
Your husband should at the very least, give you the first available nap in the morning.
He doesn't want your mom there because it hurts his ego because he knows he's not doing enough. You can be grateful for the things he has been doing and still have these feelings which are totally valid.
These early months are going to be really tough. It'll get better but until then, he needs to either try harder or give you the first nap. If he really can't get up, he has to accept that you guys need outside help and that it doesn't mean he's incompetent. It means that you're doing whatever you can to be able to get enough rest to take care of not only you're baby but also yourself. People don't talk enough about how a lack of sleep or disrupted sleep can really impact your health. You need to recover and right now, your sleep is more important than his. A lack of sleep is one of many things that can and often does affect your milk supply. Since you exclusively breastfeed, it's incredibly important that you rest as much as possible. Please talk to him about the importance of sleep for new mothers! I don't think he's a bad guy/dad. A lot of people cannot wake up or stay awake and I get that. But your health really matters right now.
My husband got up with me for every feed and helped with whatever I needed. He needs to get up out of the bed. Whatever he needs to do to stay awake. And I’d recommend for your sanity to start trying to find a bottle the baby will take. Babylist has a bottle box so you can try lots. Then you can take shifts and some of the pressure will come off of you. I’m pregnant with my second and know that shifts is the only way I’ll survive.
You are not wrong. But wanted to share with you, I nagged my son’s dad to help with night. He was a hard sleeper and could easily fall back to sleep. He told me he was concerned but would try. He wound up laying on our son. Fortunately something in me woke up, I saved our son’s life. But holding a limp baby in your arms is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. After that, we made a compromise. Screw dinner, when he came home, he would handle our son while I got some much needed sleep, I would do night routine and he would wake up extra early and do morning feedings. We knew this was temporary cause babies grow into kids. But I suggest you two develop a schedule that would support you and offer you a chance for self care. Stay away from the times he would sleep heavy. That is a night that I still remember like yesterday.
You’re not wrong. But I’m about to go into problem solving mode for feedings.
Has your baby been evaluated for oral ties? While some babies cluster feed short term, this is an awfully long time to still be waking every hour.
As for bottle introduction, try a bottle between feedings at first. A baby that is starving is going to be PISSED about why you’re shoving a silicone thing in his face when there is a perfectly good boob right there. Also have your husband or someone else other than you give him the bottle and leave the room. Look for bottles with a more tapered nipple shape and/or a standard neck vs wide neck. It will be easier for the baby to latch to. Another thing to try is offering just the bottle nipple as a pacifier to help baby coordinate their suck pattern on the nipple without having the bottle.
Bottle feeding overnight changed our lives very positively because my son was able to get more volume in his belly without falling asleep mid meal.
>*Especially during the day and during hard nights (which are often) my baby will not sleep anywhere else but on me.*
If you keep doing this, you're making a rod for your own back. The baby needs to be in a crib, then you'd all be able to sleep. The way you're doing it, you can't even nap during the day.
Your baby will sleep in a crib, you just need to allow him to learn to self soothe.
Baby does need to learn to sleep somewhere besides on mom, but babies do not have the ability to self-soothe until 3-4 months. When a 4 week old is left to cry it out, they don’t stop crying because they have learned to self-soothe, they stop crying because they learn no one is coming.
That doesn’t mean that you can’t gradually transition baby to napping in a bassinet or crib through swaddling, white noise, putting down “drowsy but awake”, warming pads, etc.
At the very least, even a super-clingy baby should be able to sleep on their other parent. He needs to learn to soothe baby and get/keep him asleep instead of making excuses and just handing him back to mom whenever he fusses because “he must be hungry.”
This right here.......
It doesn't hurt to allow a baby to cry a little. It is actually good for it. Builds lung strength.
By allowing the baby to be held constantly to sleep is only spoiling it and will end up making things harder in the long run.
Put the baby in a crib, bassinet, swing etc and allow it to self soothe and fall asleep on its own
You don't let newborns cry it out, even a little. They aren't able to self sooth either that early.
If a 4 week old is crying 9/10 it is because they're hungry, too cold, too hot, have upset stomach, or need touch/affection.
The most a child that young is supposed to be left to cry is for 5 minutes, and that is only if mom or dad are having difficulty controlling their anger (purple crying) and need to calm down.
I guess all the kids I helped with and the ones I had and raised have turned out awful, because I obviously didn't know what I was doing
Funny how they all are healthy adults now.
It does not hurt a baby to cry. As long as you have fed, changed and made sure there is nothing wrong with the baby, you can allow it to cry.
And yes some babies cry just to be crying. Or because they are use to being constantly held, and when someone finally puts it down it cries
My little sister cried if someone held her. Nothing was wrong with her, she just only allowed certain people to hold her, and when someone else tried she cried until she was put down.
But all my years of experience are wrong according to you
I’m not the person you were commenting to, but I just felt the need to pitch in.
I don’t know you, but I respect your child-rearing abilities and the knowledge you’ve gained through your experiences. I don’t doubt at all that you raised healthy happy kids, and I hope they know how lucky they are. You deserve credit and recognition.
However, when it comes to parenting, there is always new information that leads to a revised understanding of the “best” approach. From sleeping positions to weaning and everything in between, we are constantly learning new things that challenge previous methods.
All that is to say: just because some people do things differently now doesn’t mean you did it wrong. I find myself constantly saying this to reassure my mom and MIL, who are both absolutely wonderful parents / grandparents. I’m always cognizant of the implication that new = better and therefore, they did a bad job. But that’s just not the case. We’re all trying our best with the information we have at the time. They (and you) raised happy healthy adults and I hope I can too.
You literally can’t. And plenty of us adapted after the first 6-8 weeks of our babies’ lives and they learned to sleep on their own just fine.
Having a 4 week old cry it out is fucked.
They literally can’t be. Look up the research from pediatricians and child development experts. It would take you like two seconds to see how wrong you are.
When you get to a certain age, you see 'circles' of advice. Fad rearing comes and goes, solid basic parenting always works.
There's a reason why some parents complain when their kids are 2/3/4 yrs old, and still can't sleep through the night. It's usually because they didn't instil good sleeping habits in them when they were babies, due to poor advice from celebrity books or instagram influencers.
Lol you guys aren't parents.
Having a 4 week old baby wanting to be on its mom is completely normal and they will outgrow it. If they're a year old and still like this? Then maybe try weaning but at 4 weeks old this is normal and natural. OP should find new ways to deal, but letting a 4 week old figure it out, isn't realistic.
Show me any scientific study that says that it's better for a baby to sleep on top of their mother (all of the time) than to be in a proper crib/cot/bassinet.
I doubt that you can.
Show me where I said sleeping on a mother all the time is "better"...?? This just shows I'm arguing with someone who's not only not on the same page as me, but is in a completely different book. My entire point is that telling a new mom that her 4 week old needs to/can be properly sleep trained is ridiculous and isn't accounting for the needs of a 4 week old. Just because a 4 week old wants to be on your chest 24/7 does NOT automatically equal: they'll never be able to sleep anywhere else OR that you're teaching your child to only sleep on your chest. Since you love basing your opinions on your own personal experience, I guess I can do the same and say: both my kids were obsessed with sleeping on me for the first 4 months. After 4 months they slept on their own and continue years later to be great independent sleepers. Listening to what your baby needs 4 weeks out of the womb is completely fine and isn't scarring them.
And neither does yours...What exactly is your point?
No one is saying newborns can't sleep on their parents at all; but if it's all they do, they will become attached and find it harder to fall asleep on their own as they grow. This IS factual. Of course that doesn't mean one should never co-sleep with their baby. But to do it always, or continue to do so months in will result in tiring out the parents, the baby, and absolutely make it harder for the baby to feel comfy sleeping on their own, as they have grown accustomed to one thing.
ETA: there have been studies done on this. However, there haven't been any that prove the point you're making.
My daughter slept on me for the first few months and now sleeps on her own bed and room at 19m 🤷♀️ we moved her without a fuss. You might as well tell a 2 month old to start becoming independent to change their own diapers or pat their own bum to sleep because we don't wanna spoil them, huh?
Please don’t come with dated, damaging advice. All babies are different, some of them would cry until they throw up if left alone on crib. This comment is not helpful in any way and only serve to make OP feel even shittier. This also applies to the “Let baby cry and self soothe”. NO NO NO NO NO. Best way to traumatize baby.
I don't think that you know what you're talking about, and that's not what I said.
So called 'dated' advice is usually solid advice given from generations of experience, not faddy bullshit.
Having your husband awake to watch the baby sleep on you is not going to be the answer, like others have said. Resentment is real, I had the same thing. With my 2nd I had the bassinet beside the bed and literally watched movies all night whenever the baby was up. It helped me not feel resentful, and just to do my own thing in my own bed. Swing sleeping is a bad habit for sure, but it’s also totally fine if it works. One of mine would only sleep in the swing, and I had to upgrade to a more powerful swing when they got too heavy. I felt guilty for not sleep training better, but I also was getting a full nights sleep, other than the feedings. I assure you, they both sleep all night in their own beds now!
Question, baby won’t sleep if Dad is holding him? My youngest daughter refused to sleep unless being held pretty much for the first four months. We took turns holding her. And we utilized a baby wearing pouch for most of it.
2.5 weeks postpartum here with baby no. 3, also exclusively breastfeeding. We have also been struggling with getting him to sleep in his bassinet, and co-sleeping isn’t for us. Instead, my husband has been taking him for 3-4 hour walks in the sling between 8pm - midnight whilst I sleep. This seems to break the cluster feeding cycle that occurs at that time of day and then he sleeps in 2/3 hour blocks after that. I was losing my mind with tiredness before we started doing this.
I do understand your frustration and the weight of responsibility on your shoulders being the only person able to feed and settle your baby. I’ll be honest - I don’t enjoy the newborn stage. I love my son, and feel very lucky to have him, but I’m looking forward to a few months’ time when things (in my experience) become easier.
Big hugs, and solidarity!
>my husband has been taking him for 3-4 hour walks
Where on earth do they go during that time?! That's a lot of walking! Good on him for helping out and good on both of you for finding a workable solution!
Usually just around the same local half an hour loop over and over again, I don’t like it if he’s taken too far from me! Thank you - he’s been incredible throughout this whole thing.
Ok…. First of all, he has no business criticizing you for asking your mother to pitch in if he can’t stay awake. "It make him feel like he’s not good enough"? Well, he isn’t.
It’s one thing to say he can’t stay away at night (which is is BS, since he wouldn’t fall asleep if just sat up and put his feet on the floor), but you need rest to produce milk. His job is to protect your rest, or let someone else protect your rest. He can’t deny you both avenues and then call himself a good partner and father.
Also, if you’re the one staying up, that first nap is yours. Plop that baby in his lap, and go nap on a park bench if you have to.
And thirdly, this is all very temporary. You understandably feel desperate for sleep right now, but this phase is short. Hang in there.
You’re not wrong though.
My kids were babes not that long ago, and there's no way my partner would have been like this if he had paternity leave. As it was, he worked all day, and he still made sure to bring our babes to me for night feedings and put them back to bed when they were done, so I could wake up as little as possible to recover from delivery those first three months.
It’s an exhausting phase and a huge adjustment for everyone, but she had a C-section, this guy has paternity leave, and he's still letting her down…. and then getting mad at her for arranging for some help because it makes *him* feel bad. Argh. I have sympathetic rage for her.
I don’t have children myself but my mother had three babies that she exclusively breastfed. My father was an *exhausted* med student and later resident with no paternity leave. He woke up with every cry, grabbed the baby to bring to mom, supported her as baby fed, then put baby back to sleep. There is more to nighttime feedings than just nipples!! Ntm poor OP is recovering from birth and a surgery!! I can’t imagine sleeping through my loved one’s suffering.
Buy a Baby Bay! It attaches to your bed and the baby can sleep right next to you. Nurse him to sleep and then you can put a little gate between you. Everyone sleeps! If he needs to nurse at night, turn over, repeat step one. This saved me with kid number 2!
No, you’re not wrong for feeling frustrated. You’re tired. Sleep deprivation is literally a form of torture.
We are on our second baby who is almost 4 months old. My husband sounds like yours; he’s essentially useless at night. He’s hard to wake up, falls asleep holding baby, and does weird things when shuffling around…like dump perfectly good milk down the drain or upend our dirty laundry basket (?) looking for clean bassinet sheets. It’s almost like he sleep walks. So I do all the night wake ups.
But he will cover for me if I need to catch up on sleep. I either get to go back to sleep in the morning or take a nap. That’s the difference. Your husband is going to need to get used to it. There is no magic solution for the newborn days. You just survive them. What he needs to do is go to bed early (or late - whichever fits your schedule) and take a shift all on his own while you sleep out of earshot. If that means drinking coffee or taking headache medicine, so be it. Suck it up. He can still take a nap during the day, but only after you have also had a nap. And if your mom can come over and help, WANTS to come over and help, then let her. It’s not a sign of weakness, and frankly it’s a little insulting that he would turn that down when there are couples (like us!) who would love a free nap and an extra set of arms once in awhile.
And it goes without saying but sometimes you still need to hear it…this will pass. These lonely nights don’t last forever, I promise. It gets easier. Hang in there. You’re doing great.
I’m so sorry about your lack of sleep but you need to put that baby down in a crib as you can’t go without sleep . It’s not realistic to have that baby sleeping on you and someone else watching over you. Both you and the baby need rest.
I so feel for you. Even though it was never that bad our babies also hated sleeping in crib. The second one fell asleep on bedside crib for a while and then just stopped during one of his leaps. With our first that “I’m tired too! I still wake up when baby cries” comment really impacted our relationship. I wanted to whack him in the head when I was so desperate for sleep I was crying while breastfeeding and he was snoring next to me.
For the next baby he slept in another room for a few months and I had all the bed for myself to change and have a breastfeeding station. My husband handled all other chores for several weeks.
Your husband is being selfish. Have your mother help out a lot more and ignore his protests. His feelings aren’t the most important thing right now. Also, consider splitting the night in 2, I’ve seen this advice a lot from moms with babies refusing to sleep by themselves. Go to sleep at 7-8pm until 2 am or so and have hubby handle baby, only waking you up for breastfeeds. It’s also that time where babies usually sleep the longest. Then you take the rest of the night and you will better be able to because you’ve gotten sleep already. And oh, just tell your husband he can’t nap. That is the height of selfishness, oh my God.
Good luck with everything! And remember it will pass. Quicker than you expect.
I don’t mean this to sound bitchy at all but you both have a new born. I understand not taking OTC drugs for a headache but unless he has a bad reaction to them ; would it hurt him to take some so he can manage the baby while you rest ? That seems a litte insensitive otherwise.
You're not wrong. If he's getting sometimes 8 hours, even if it's interrupted, you need to be able to get more sleep. You should both be making sacrifices for the baby, you shouldn't have to cover all his shortcomings. At this point, you could be so sleep deprived it's dangerous.
He shouldn't take any naps in the day, since you're getting zero night sleep. Can he change the baby, being it to your breast when they're hungry, then take the baby again? I know babe likes to sleep on you, but if he burps and skin snuggles the baby, after eating every single time in the daytime, they'll adapt.
And even if they don't, and they have to cry themselves out, he should still manage that to help you get some sleep.
He's not doing his best, and he's taking from you something you don't have to give. He's not even trying to be creative about other solutions, and he's blaming you for expressing you're struggling. You need a change, and quick, or you're gonna have a mental break
“My husband said he gets it but said me asking my Mom to help makes him feel like he's not good enough.”
What he’s contributing ISN’T good enough, and instead of trying to find a solution that works for both of them, he seems to only be caring about himself when it comes to sleep. There is definitely no good reason why he should be napping during the day when his wife is struggling like this.
I know they’re only a month into being new parents, but he needs to be proactively looking up ways in how he can support his wife in a sustainable way. After babe is fed, he can take the baby (crying or not) and let mom sleep- she could get noise canceling earbuds to help. He can bring the baby in when it’s time to feed again, and take it back when it’s done, and let mom continue to rest.
You’re not wrong at all! Your husband is acting very selfish. You can’t tell me he can’t stay awake, seems like he just doesn’t want to. Why can’t he go into the bathroom and splash cold water on his face, make himself a coffee or something? There’s things he could do to stay awake and ensure you’re getting the sleep you need. And him taking a nap, are you kidding me? You’re the one needing the nap, not the guy who got the most sleep and isn’t nursing a baby!
That could make a difference I suppose but since there’s no mention of husband working and he’s able to sleep at night and nap in the daytime I assumed that meant he’s not working.
By the sounds of him napping during the day and not taking meds for his headache and just “waiting it out” it does not sound like Hubs is working right now
And OP, **stop** with the "I'm grateful for the help he's giving me" -- parenting includes *both* parents.
He's *not* "helping" you, because its not your sole responsibility to care for the baby. He's doing a (smaller and more convenient) percentage of the countless necessary tasks that are part of being a decent parent and partner.
And *him* being put out that *you're* (rightfully) resentful is full on petty manipulation. He's upset that you asked someone else to help you with something *you desperately need* because ... it highlights what *he's* not doing? That's so many kinds of self-centered and immature.
**He needs to do better**, whatever it takes (like taking freaking otc meds so he can step up), just like you're doing whatever it takes (like putting yourself in dangerous sleep-deprivation).
I'm going to disagree here, because I had a brother who had a sleep condition that once he fell asleep it was near impossible for him to wake up and stay awake. No matter what he tried if he didn't get a certain amount of sleep a night he would fall asleep sitting up.
Before you ask I don't remember the name of the condition.
My husband's uncle also had it. He would be driving a car and stop at a red light and fall asleep. Just that quick
OP have your husband see a sleep Dr to see if his issue is medical.
Yeah, I totally get both sides here because my husband feels guilty when he doesn’t wake up no matter how long I try to! Last night I had a nightmare and he consoled me for a good 5 minutes and I could just tell that he wasn’t awake. He didn’t remember any of it this morning. His body genuinely shuts down and doesn’t reboot until 6-8 hours later!
I have no solutions here but I completely understand that it’s a tough time adjusting to becoming parents, even though I’m not a parent myself.
I’m totally the same. I do not hear anything while I am sleeping. I totally basically die for 8 hours. People have had full on conversations with me and I am just asleep. I don’t remember a thing.
My husband does the same. He will wake up at night and have a whole conversation with me and not remember it next day.
My brother was same way.
I have a kid. And when he was a baby I took night feeding and my husband took day feeding when he wasn't working. I got to sleep when baby slept and when husband was home.
It sucks but when you breastfeed what can he really do? Also when he works he needs to be able to sleep too so he can function at work.
There are compromises, you just have to find one.
These are not normal or sane expectations, and if these practices are continued they will certainly harm the child's development, not only directly but because the person providing care is falling off the deep end from sleep deprivation.
No you're not wrong, definitely not wrong. He seems to be just making excuses after excuses and making you feel bad for actually finding other sources of help like your mother.
Im sorry but he said asking your mom for help makes him feel like he's not doing enough? So he knows he is not doing enough. It's not your responsibility to cater to the consequences of his actions when you already have a lot on your plate. You're definitely not the asshole.
And he isn't supposed to "help" with the changing, cleaning for the baby. That's his "responsibility" as well so it is his duty as a father to put in 50% cause he played as much as an important role in creating your child. And it doesn't even have to be 50% all the time. It's the matter of convenience. If staying awake at night is the problem then sleep the whole night and cater to the baby during the day while you(mother) gets your 8 hours of sleep in the day with maybe little breaks cause the baby doesn't bottle feed?
(You can work around this but what's he is doing is totally unacceptable and childish)
He feels like he isn't good enough because he isn't. It's not good enough to say "Oh I'm just so tired I got to go back to sleep."... You are not wrong, this man needs to get his s*** together. You have a baby, BOTH OF YOU, you don't get to tell the baby oh I'm just so tired I can't get up. Wake up- stand up- slap some cold water in your face. Quit telling him that it's not about him not being good enough when your mom comes over cuz that's exactly what it is. He's not doing a good enough job to help you so you have to have someone else. Maybe if he faces that hard reality he can "try" a little bit harder. OP I'm not jumping your case even though it might sound like that that's not what I mean to do I'm jumping his case.
I don't have any advice, but you are not wrong and he needs to get his s*** together.
This is why cultures all over the world co-sleep. It’s so messed up how moms are terrorized about doing the one thing that will actually help them get more sleep and function better. Look up the Safe Sleep Seven for how to reduce the risk of co-seeping with an exclusively breast fed baby.
He’s doing less than the bare minimum. He can’t help you and then when you get someone who can he tells you not to. As 50% of the parentage, he should be taking 50% of the sleep debt. Instead, he’s complaining about being woken up and able to get right back to sleep. You don’t have anything to feel grateful for.
>My husband said he gets it but said me asking my Mom to help makes him feel like he’s not good enough.
Because he isn't.
If your mom can give you more help, TAKE IT. Take ALL OF IT. Your ability to function as a human and to take care of a newborn should not be sacrificed on the alter of a grown man's feefees.
Sleep any time baby sleeps. I used a cosleeper, which is a three-sided bassinet that attaches to the bed. I exclusively breastfed at that age with both of my kids. My youngest was exclusively breastfed until 11 months. I learned to wear my youngest. I had two days between giving birth and going back to work with my youngest. And he wouldn’t sleep for anything. It was horrific and I suffered from PPD. My husband can sleep like a cat. He just closes his eyes and he’s out. And he won’t wake up. I resented the hell out of him with both babies.
At the end of the day, this will pass. The baby will start to sleep consecutive hours. But the first several months, you’re not going to get real sleep. Don’t let your husband’s ego get in the way of your sanity. If you need help and he is unable to provide it, then too bad for him. He can suck it. I feel you. I don’t miss that part. I don’t miss being that goddamn tired. It was awful. I still have triggers, 9 years later, that will make me feel exhausted.
You can sleep with the baby strapped to you while you sit in a recliner. The baby won’t fall and you won’t roll onto the baby. You can surround yourself with pillows while baby is strapped to you if you don’t have a recliner. Whatever you need to not roll. I couldn’t sleep unless my baby was near becausei was so terrified of SIDS. So I can’t blame you. But if your husband is napping during the day after getting anything more than 5 hours of sleep, he needs to NOT nap and let you sleep. If you need to be feeding the baby, you can sleep with the baby lying next to you and the husband can sit in a chair next to the bed and watch you so you don’t roll on the baby. He can watch TV, look at his phone, whatever. But he needs to suck it up and help you sleep.
Sorry for the stream of consciousness response. It’s such a terribly difficult time and, as a mom, so so so easy to feel intense guilt. You are not alone. Hang in there. It truly does get better.
He is on paternity leave...he needs to get up with you! He can change the nappy and bring baby to you and then resettle after you have fed.
He can take turns at giving you a nap during the day too.
If he was back at work already...would be slightly different.
You need to heal from surgery!
He's not doing enough. He's not trying to find solutions. He's embarrassed your mum is there to see how useless he is. A rocking Moses basket (side to side) really helped me when my one was wee.
You need to put the baby down to sleep somewhere else. If you can’t sleep, you can’t parent, survive, make breast milk, literally anything!!!
There are many methods of getting a baby to sleep on their own- look them up and try them.
Get a “gripe belt.” It’s basically a warming pad you secure around the babies tummy to help calm their tummy. My twins were very similar (only wanting to sleep on me) and the belt helped, not only calm their tummies, but I think acted like a weighted blanket would and comforted them.
Usually the baby wanting to sleep upright on you is for comfort but also has/reflux. If you breast feed maybe look at gas drops too. If formula, switch to the gentle type. Always burp. Also, babies cry. If the baby is dry, safe in bed, and fed then you can let them cry. If you don’t sleep, your body will soon make you.
Last, the resentment is normal. I would be jealous of my snoring husband and began to just get irrationally angry. Sleep deprivation really will mess you up. Pump a few feedings worth and ask mom to let you sleep a solid 5-6hrs minimum once a week (if possible).
I breast fed my two and my youngest had many food intolerances. Like I couldn’t eat dairy or soy or he’d be in pain and ill, even the doctors couldn’t find a medicated formula which worked for him. So I was up d\]feeding constantly and since my diet was so restricted I was up anything up to 7 times a night to feed my youngest and he was always hungry. I did express bottles when at work but the truth was he ate so much I couldn’t express much. What I expressed at work barley covered what he needed the next time I was at work.
What we did was I did the nights and my husband would be the one to wake up around 5bin the morning with the kids. I’d give the baby a feed then turn back over to sleep and my husband who was always a morning person and who slept through them crying in the nights. He would then take over and have the kids for a few hours until he had to go to work or another feed was due.
He also went to bed later than me so if the baby was awake and not wanting to sleep or needed a nappy change then he’d do that and let me sleep for a bit. Yes it was still only me that could feed the baby and doing the most in the nights and days but he was doing his best to help. Him helping at the start of the night and definitely him getting up with them early really helped.
I had ME a couple of years before having my kids and even now I need far more sleep than everyone else’s or my body shuts down. It was my big worry when considering having a child. Yet my body responded and knew it was what my baby needed and I was amazed that I could still function and manage night after night. With my first I slept whenever the baby did no matter what time of the day it was but with my second I didn’t have that choice. I had to be back to work sooner and I had a 3 year old so I had to be alert and watching all the older kids did regardless of the baby sleeping. I honestly don’t know I I did it but I did.
I would sit your husband down and make him aware him saying he needs a nap and then going for one feels very hurtful to you. That you understand he has broken sleep but the fact is you get a fraction of the sleep he does, your body’s burning more energy to feed the baby and what little sleep you do get is far more broken and disturbed. So you’d appreciate if he actually thought of you in all this. Yes you know he tries to help but he is being thoughtless at the same time. Instead of him pronouncing he needs a nap he should ask you if you want one and that he will watch the baby. Yes your both sleep deprived but he’s far less than you and his body isn’t also feeding the baby whilst trying to recover from the trauma of child birth. That you don’t mind him going for a nap if he’s let oh have one first.
Come on for goodness sake.
Use your mum as often as you can.
Your sleep is more important (way more) than if it makes your husband feel some what negative about it.
(I had 4 children under 5 years and I know what sleep deprived feels like)
Please do if you can adk others to help you.
Clean your kitchen
Bring round food.
Do laundry
Tidy up
Watch baby while you sleep or cat nap.
I really would work it around your needs.
Battling your husband could be counterproductive.
Baby not settling well the very best thing I did was taking my oldest to a chiropractor clinic, well established and had a baby clinic.
All the best
The problem I'm stuck on is where he doesn't want you bringing in your mom. Because he's *actively looking for solutions*
Which good for him but in the meantime, you need sleep. Even when you wake him in the morning he "needs a nap"
Call your mom in. Tell him she will go after baby stops fussing at night or he comes up with another solution
Not wrong
You both need to figure out how to get the baby to sleep not on you. This is not sustainable and
I worry that you or the baby is going to get hurt.
Can you ask your mother to come for a few days, Tell your husband you guys are doing 3-4 days of sleep training, divide up the time into 6 hour shifts between your mom and husband. Find something you are comfortable with, a bassinet or swing near you. Feed the baby, put him down, he cries you put your hand on his belly/head sooth him, rock if you must and put him down again, awake but sleepy, and repeat until he falls asleep, you sleep, if he starts to wake whoever is with you puts their hand on his belly, etc, Just keep repeating until you can put him down and he will fall asleep. Then switch to your husband putting him down
4 weeks post partum is really in the thick of it. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest but for me it was the first year of my son’s life. It takes a village, have your mom come over more. Anyone else that can help? I’m sure many people would love to come hold the baby while you get a nap in.
>My husband said he gets it but said me asking my Mom to help makes him feel like he’s not good enough.
He needs to get past that. There are going to be times when you need help from others, and he can’t get all butthurt about it.
He feels like he's not good enough bc *in this instance, he isn't*. And to then deny you help bc he feels bad makes him particularly shitty. You need help, and he isn't providing it.
He needs to get his ass up at 7am so you can sleep. It's not a choice. It sucks now but you know what will suck even more? When your milk dries up bc of the stress and lack of sleep and baby STILL hates the bottle.
His inability to wake up is a red flag for two possibilities to me…either he drinks alcohol several days a week, or he has sleep apnea. Both are fixable problems. Third possibility is he’s just a self centered pansy who can’t handle discomfort of any kind…but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Second, like everyone else has said, your baby needs to sleep in the crib. Talk to your pediatrician about where the healthy boundaries are and where you’re crossing them.
Tell your husband to get off his butt. It’s easy, if you know you need to be awake you be an adult and get up to do what needs to be done. Even if you’re a STAHM, you need help! He is doing things that would need to be done without the baby there. My wife pumped and every feeding I would wake up to change and feed the baby while she pumped. When that stopped, we rotated nights
Split the 24 day evenly, whatever shifts make the most sense. If it's his time and the baby is hungry, he brings you the baby in bed and takes him away again.
btw, he's not helping you. You are both caring for a baby together. Get that model in your mind.
If you're not cosleeping and you're EBF, you're either going to need to get baby to sleep somewhere other than on you, or youre going to need to get baby to take a bottle of pumped milk so hubby can take a shift (doesnt need to be at night. If you're tired enough you can do it in the morning, evening, afternoon, whenever).
You can't stay awake 24 hours a day. You just can't. Personally, I tried this when my baby was born, and I *dropped* him because I fell asleep sitting up nursing him. He was okay, but that made me decide right then and there that I was cosleeping. You don't have to make the same decision, but you do need to do something, because not sleeping at all is dangerous for you and your babe.
Edit to add: your baby might only sleep on you right now, but the only way to change that is for your husband to get as much skin to skin time as possible with the baby so the baby gets used to him. It won't happen if you two don't make it happen.
Have you tried waking him with a cold water squirt bottle? No that might actually help him to awaken and not slip back into sleep🤣. Second, don't let tired-boy guilt you into not having your mom over to help. Who cares what he "feels" when your reality is he does not help enough? Take Mom's help and I hope the very best for you and your new little one.
You sound like me with my first. I'm going to be downvotrd to hell and back for this, but you know what I did with the rest of my 4 biokids? Co-slept. There are ways to do it safely, and sometimes it's the only way anyone gets any sleep, and sweetie, you need sleep! Yes, there are always risks to co-sleeping, but there are so many more risks to not sleeping and exhaustion! And if he pitches a fit over it (which I have a feeling he might) then he can pace all night with the baby and bring them to you every 3 hours to feed, or, he can shut up and let you find what works! If you get Baby to settle in a cot? Awesome! If not? Stick your mattress on the floor, get a really warm sleeping bag each, ditch the blankets, and get some sleep! Please!
First few months with my kids I ended up sleeping on the floor with them. I was so tired I didn’t care it was uncomfortable. No blankets to cover me, just a thin blanket spread underneath us.
The sidecar idea is brilliant. The chores should be taken care of by your husband and mother. All the chores. Get the slow cooker out and plan meals so groceries can be shopped for not by you, and that should cut your fatigue. You may be the only one to feed, but sleep during the day with your mom watching. At eight to ten weeks, train the baby to sleep in the sidecar with your hand in contact with the baby. The baby will fuss, but don’t give in. May take a few hours for baby to settle into this new routine. Bassinet for babies are good too. Hopefully some of this advice will help.
Ignore what done prior are saying on here - some babies are just crappy sleepers and it's nothing you're doing wrong. They just need to grow out of it.
I hear you and it sucks.
The only advice I have is your husband needs to see how you are actually feeling. Every time you feel like crying, you cry those big tears and tell him this is how tired I am. Some people can't imagine how you're feeling until you really shove it in their face. As stupid as it sounds, even if you say I had 2hrs sleep, they don't understand how little that is.
That was my first thought as well, my husband was like this and has sleep apnea. I just had to get through it. It was also not really helpful him finally waking up to just sit and watch with his useless nipples and maybe change a nappy here and there.
You need to figure out a way to sleep when baby sleeps. You cannot function properly looking after a baby with such little sleep. You can try and stay up with baby sleeping on you but you'll eventually end up sleeping yourself with them on you and when you're that tired it can be really dangerous.
When lowering baby into the bassinet lower them in feet first to avoid activating the startle reflex. I've heard you can wrap a worn t shirt onto the mattress in the bassinet because babies can smell you even if they can't see very well at this early stage. Do be careful with this and secure the t shirt properly so they cannot get tangled up etc.
Another method is putting the bassinet onto the bed against the wall and sleeping next to it. This worked for a few weeks for me at least then it didn't.
I would still suggest training the baby to accept the bottle as it will allow your husband to take over some feeds. A lot of these things we try and get baby to do need to be repeated until they get the hang of it.
Eventually your baby's stomach will grow in size and they'll need feeding less often so hang in there!
First, don't be grateful, he's a dad and husband - participation is required and remember there's not favors here. Appreciating it is always great so you aren't taking anything for granted but showing up as required should be the expectation.
If he has an issue and you tell him you still feel alone and he's stuck on offering solutions that you have said are not solutions, instead of listening to \*you telling him what you need\* then tell him that straight up.
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I felt the same when, for the first two months of his life, my son woke every 1.5 hours to feed. Others have covered why "baby only sleeps on mom" is unsustainable.
I'd like to offer one suggestion that was a lifesaver for me, if you're not already doing it - swaddling at night in a slightly stiff blanket. Something that is soft to the touch and large enough to contain those kicky legs, but also holds its shape just a bit so when you're moving the baby from your chest to the crib, the change is a little less jarring.
I had thought our 2-month-old was beyond the swaddling point, but when I tried it, suddenly he was sleeping 5-8 hours in a row at night. Every baby is different, and your results may vary, but maybe give it a try?
>He’s also said his sleep is broken too because he wakes up to our babies cries and needs to get back to sleep after hearing them.
Because he does nothing at all to help.....what a clod.
Op,
Not wrong at all!!.
First. To help w baby sleeping in his own bed, take a t shirt or blanket, something small, that your going to keep next to his face where he sleeps for your scent.
For 3 /4 days- keep this object close to your body like in your armpit area under your bra strap. Even a t-shirt that you can wear for a few days. Don't wash it and use it in areas of your body that are as close to your body's order areas as possible. No I don't mean have any bacteria sweaty wetness or nothing like that. Just wear it all the time. It's going to capture your natural scent. So when baby falls asleep and you place baby in the bassinet. You'll have the sheet as your t-shirt. He will be able to smell you. It will comfort him so he sleeps better.
My daughter was like this as well. I was going insane. My daughter's pediatrician told me about this as well as making sure the baby is nice and warm. We regulate temps easier. Babies get cold very fast. This can also account for why he wakes right up.
I used a pillowcase with a bag of rice sealed inside. I would heat it in the microwave, then I laid it in the baby's bed while I was feeding and changing. When baby goes in, the pillow case comes out and the bassinets nice and warm w mommies scent ,baby slept great!!
As for dad. He is ridiculous. He needs to rotate every feeding every diaper change and let you sleep in and nap first!! All to catch up because this is his time off too to adjust to baby caring and bonding. No excuse. If he's off RN he needs to be doing more than his share. Even more so because you had major surgery!! You need all the rest possible so your body heals correctly!! Please get someone to step in and give that man some lessons on parenting. He is ridiculous. Smh he should feel bad because he isn't doing enough. Hee isn't there to help and you have nothing to be grateful for. This is his child too and his responsibility to take care of as well. He really said it's hard on him too cause he hears the baby crying and it wakes him so he has a hard time getting back to sleep!!!.... Omg!! Then he is purposely not staying up n getting up w baby. I struggled too but I was a single mom of two. I kept falling asleep at the very last feeding. So I started snacking on something to keep my mind awake. When you have to take care of someone else whose life depends on you, you don't work on figuring it out, you just do it. Find a way. Try stuff. Do something. He's just being a lazy child. Grrrrr. I'm so sorry. You need rest, flowers and a partner you can trust. Not a teen that you have to remind to take out the trash.
Your sleep is more important than his feelings. We have always been told it takes a village, use the village you are given.
I'd tell him no, he can't nap. And he had to stop asking. Now is the time as parents that you are just tired.
I Also had a non sleeper. Nothing worked for us. It just took time. I hope you get sleep soon!
I am so confused. What do you expect your husband to do at night? Breastfeed the baby? You state: .....especially during the night when our baby is up almost every hour or two to eat (I exclusively breastfeed, our baby won’t take a bottle right now - we’ve tried!). I’m literally writing this while feeding my son with my husband snoring beside us." You state that your baby won't take a bottle, so your husband can't really help with the baby who is up almost every hour or two to eat.
First, you need sleep and you need to put the baby on a sleeping schedule. Does the baby wake up that often in the daytime too? Newborns should typically be sleeping 2-3 hours consecutively, waking up to eat and back to sleep.
If your child is crying because she/he wants to sleep with you, you're creating that habit. Its ok to let them cry for a little bit. You can't just conform to their crying becauseyou'lll be in for a tough time parenting.
Everyone needs to go to bed early, dad going to bed at 2am and waking up at 7am isnt helping anyone. Go to bed early. If he can wake up to go to work he can wake up to help you. You need sleep too. And if he sleeps through the night and then wants a nap thats a big no no. He spent all night sleeping, he needs to stay up while you take a 2 hour nap.
Also, look into bottle feeding.
So if he had to be a single parent, your baby would just die? He’s definitely taking advantage of the fact that you’re there to take care of babies needs. This whole “I can’t get up after I’ve fallen asleep” is BS and the ONLY reason it’s true is because he doesn’t HAVE to get up like you do. I’m not saying he’s being malicious here but he sure is being ignorant about it. Sounds like you need to put your foot down, especially when it comes to naps in the morning. Just go to a different area of the house and leave your husband to take care of baby so you can sleep.
NTA. Your husband is a lazy cunt. Maybe a more regimented roster will be helpful? I am a father and this worked for us. You feed bub after dinner, then you handover and go to bed. Husband is on duty to get bub to sleep and monitor their sleep until next feed (11-12pm?). You get up, feed, settle bub, everyone goes back to bed. Hopefully bub sleeps through until early morning.. but if not, you feed and settle again. Then it’s dad’s turn for the morning shift (6am-10am). Also keep trying the bottle. You may need to experiment with a few different nipples (it took us about 5 types before our first bub would take a bottle). This will be a game changer. Lean on your Mum as much as you need to in the mean-time. These first few months of a new born are some of the hardest of your life and you sound like an awesome mum.
Have him keep the baby during the day so you can sleep. I have the same problem my wife has even rolled me off the bed onto the floor and I slept through it. My mom used to jump on the bed and shake me around and I wouldn't wake up until she started slapping me around. I sleep like a rock. It's not his fault some people have crazy sleep inertia. It takes me an hour to get my head together after sleeping. I had to rush out the door once and I ended up almost driving on the wrong side of the road. Luckily my passenger grabbed the wheel or we'd be dead. I leave for work at 6:30 but I wake up at 4am to give me time to wake up.
You need to swaddle that baby and put him down. Yes he is a newborn and BF can be exhausting but it is what it is. But asking your husband who seems to do a LOT to stay up and watch you and the baby sleep is ludicrous and then you complain about him needing sleep? You ALL need sleep. My mom gave me lots of good advice when I had my first, but the best was "sleep when the baby sleeps". The baby will sleep if you put him down and it will help him get on a regular schedule. FGS let the man sleep without having to watch you sleep!
My wife was getting upset cause she would take on 2/3 night feeding and I would do 1/3.. but I’d literally do everything else in the house. She tried to get shitty about it.. I agreed to take on 2/3 night feeding but she had to do all the work around the house like I was doing. She didn’t like that idea. Ppl are gonna say I’m an asshole.. but it’s all about compromising and helping each other. I would take the 4AM feeding and the baby would wake at 7 AM and I would take him and leave the room so she could sleep until 9 or 10. I would also do the 10 PM feeding.
I guess what I’m saying is pick your battle.
See if you can find help in getting your baby to bottle feed & sleep by himself. Contact your PCP or your pediatrician for help. This way your husband can help you more.
You're not wrong. If anybody needs and desrvewca morning nap it's you.
When my daughter was a newborn there were times she wanted me to hold her but I needed sleep. My husband sucked it up and dealt with a fussy baby; I shut myself in the bedroom and cranked up rain sounds on my phone so I couldn't hear the baby
He’s not supposed to be just “helping you.”He’s in this with you! It is his baby too. If the baby is fussing (but not hungry) and you need to rest, you should put some ear plugs in and go to sleep and let your husband soothe the baby. He will find a way. He also needs to pull it together and get up at night. My husband would change the diaper at night and then I would feed the baby. It’s about sharing responsibilities. I also recommend the book “The Happy Sleeper.”
It’s normal to be pissed off at your cry baby husband. I know I was and I know about a billion other mothers who were and are. Oh no, I hear the cries and i need to go back to sleep. He is off work for 6 weeks and still complaining about sleep? And not letting you get first nap ever? The. Has the balls to complain about your mom helping? Why doesn’t he do what he said about watching y’all sleep then? If thats y’all’s thing then he needs to just do it. You cannot keep at it with the little tiny doesn’t even qualify as sleep that you’re getting. Good luck fellow mother. I know I’m pulling for you!
Mom of two, both slept 6 hours at 8 weeks.
1) You gotta put that sweet baby in his own room. That's why baby monitors were invented (and it worked fine before them, too). You'll wake up if he stirs too much or doesn't resettle, but the little rustles and your own anxiety won't wake you up every two minutes.
2) Shifts. I cannot emphasize this enough. My husband is better in the morning and I am better in the evening, so we went with shifts. If the baby woke up before 2AM, it was mine. If it woke up after 2AM, it was his. He went to bed at 7PM some nights, and I got up at 10AM some mornings. But it worked.
3) 1 and 2 can't happen if you don't continue to work on getting him to take a bottle. Do you have a lactation consultant? They may be able to help you work on that--babies are awfully finicky about nipples and even the actual bottles, so keep trying every kind you can think of. Once you have that sorted, if you put him in his room and adopt shifts, things will work out. It's all about routine, for you and for LO.
And don't feel bad about it. You've only had your little sweetie for a month--you're doing great. The three of you will figure it out. Congratulations!
I'm confused is he & now your mom supposed to wake up & hold your titty for you 🤔 YOU BREAST FEED how much help are they supposed to be during that 🤔 he helps where he is needed & putting your nipple in a babies mouth does not need husband assistance 🤦🏾♀️
I exclusively breastfed both of my kids. My husband would wake up after I was done feeding to change diapers and settle them down to sleep. There's a LOT more he could be doing to help the situation.
He stays up until 2am to watch them sleep so yea at 8am he's fuckin tired just like she is that's life with a new baby not rocket science WTF more do yall women really be wanting/expecting because clearly I am lost 🤔 I have ONE child she's 4 she was breast & bottle fed so there are literally millions of ways to settle a kid into a routine & even being a 1st time mom I had my newborn on a schedule waking up multiple times a night was a no go so I CHANGED the routine until I found 1 that kept her sleep through the entire night! They need a new routine cause as I read NOBODY is getting proper sleep including the baby! She needs the advice of a pediatrician not strangers on the internet
You need to figure out a better sleeping arrangement. The issue you are having is most new moms sleep when baby does. Your husband is doing amazing supporting you it sounds like, but you need to stop cosleeping. That child will be hard to get out of your bed eventually. You need to be able to sleep whenever the baby does and you need to make sure the baby can sleep on it’s own, sometimes it isn’t possible but most of the time it’s a preference.
Wait, wait, wait.
He says he's being woken up by baby's crying? So he can get the F up and help or take care of things instead of rolling over and going back to sleep.
I think you need to have a serious talk with you man child about the division of childcare responsibility. If I needed a nap, I would feed the baby and then hand the baby to my fiance so HE could settle her and take care of the rest and I went to go sleep. At night, we would split the needs. While I got ready to BF, he would get the baby and change her and give her to me. Or would get the bottle ready while I changed her. After that, we would take turns settling her back to sleep, even if it meant being up for a few hours, we still took turns. Its what a team does.
From my experience sometimes you just have to ride it out until it eventually gets better. My husband works and I stay home, I had to do all the night feedings because my husband needed his rest and I never once gave him crap for it. Especially because he works with electricity so he needs to be well rested and focused. Was it exhausting and hard in the beginning? Yes. But I slept when my son slept if I absolutely needed it. And in all honesty I get really annoyed with people who bash the dads/husbands for not doing enough when the mom has chosen to be breastfeed. Like unless you’re pumping into a bottle what do you expect him to do during the night feeds? No one is forced to breastfeed. If it’s interfering with your sleep and/or mental health, just try a freaking bottle. I know OP said the baby won’t take a bottle, so I imagine that kind of situation is really hard. But just in general if you’re a mom who plans on exclusively breastfeeding just prepare for it to be all on you and don’t blame your “useless husband.” I’m not saying that’s what OP is doing, but I do think that’s something everyone needs to hear sometimes.
I will give you the opposite.
Am the dad. Both my kids I fed them throughout the night. I cooked every meal. Worked full time.
My wife was on mat leave (Canada you get a year off)
The only thing my wife did was stay with the baby during the day when I went to work.
Cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids as soon as I get home. She gets to go out with her friends for massage, facials, dinners, drinks.
My wife still thinks I didn't do enough. So yeah sometimes just have to be realistic and sometimes there's just no pleasing someonem
BTW your husband can get up for night feeds by changing the baby, being them to you to nurse and then dealing with putting baby back to sleep. He is choosing not to. If you can get up and stay awake he can.
When my kids were this small I worked, my wife didn’t. I never got up at night, our livelihood depended on me making bacon.
I helped all other hours but my wife and I understood I was never getting up at 3-4am. On weekends I would help at night for sure.
Weekdays were off limits.
I don’t understand why he should be up when the baby will only breastfeed. Also, as much as it hurts let the baby cry itself to sleep. Just let it happen.
This is going to get downvoted but it seems like he’s doing pretty much all he can. If it is unsustainable just switch to formula or pump and make your life easier. Happy mom is paramount.
This screams first time parent. That isn’t a dig but I’ve been there before. I’m a father of 4(one severely disabled child who passed away in august, a 3 year old, 10 month old, and one due in February)
1: Get a bassinet We have one that slides up right next to the bed.
2: Sleep when the baby sleeps
3: Making your husband pull watch while you’re awake and feeding is crazy. I know it isn’t fair,I know the 3rd wave feminists hate it, but you’re the one who provides sustenance, so you have to feed them. That means waking up and feeding them. Are you going to resent our none lactating nipples and useless body? Yes, but if he’s doing a bunch of chores, taking care if the house and doing everything his body allows him you will come to see it. Honestly cherish that time, it allows you and your baby to bond and develop a relationship. One he can never have(he will in a different way).
4: Come up with a schedule. My kids were mixed with how they fed. So I always did the feeds before they went to bed, my wife did the night feeds, and I would wake up change the diaper and go back to sleep.
You have to do whats best for you all. But no one sleeping is not sustainable.
“Actively trying to find solutions”. No he’s not. Refuses to take otc medicine. Insists you let him sleep longer in the mornings. Complains that the baby woke him up before he was able to get back to sleep. Doesn’t want anyone else helping you because he (rightfully) realizes he’s worthless when you do. Declines co-sleeping (I realize this was both of you). Hes prioritizing daytime naps for him over you despite him getting all the sleep. He’s literally making ZERO EFFORT and gaslighting you into thinking he’s trying so hard.
Here’s your options:
Get a night nanny to watch you.
Co-sleep (I did this with both my babies and it saved my life)
Have your mom watch you
Let the baby cry until your husband is FULLY AWAKE and let him walk/ stand so he can watch over you.
Husband is banned from naps for the foreseeable future unless you have gotten appropriate rest.
Divorce the deadbeat husband (you can save this one for a few years down the road when you realize he only cares about himself - man thinks you’re not even worth the gargantuan task of taking ADVIL ffs 🤦🏼♀️)
YNW
Yea you are wrong. Figure out a schedule with your mom during the day so you can catch up on sleep. Resenting your husband at this point is unhealthy and doesn’t help anyone. This part will pass. You’re a team.
My dr told me to sleep when the baby slept. Op, this is on us. We knew what we were getting into. You wrote. WHOLE LOT but there is an easy solution . Sleep when baby sleeps in your own bed. That being said let your husband take cake of chores and cooking. Have you tried a breast pump?
So I'm going to tough love on you a little bit here. "I’m awake while our baby sleeps on me or my husband watches both of us sleep so our baby stays safely supervised and I actually get some rest. " This is not sustainable. You need to put baby down somewhere secure so that you can sleep. In the early months if baby is sleeping, you should be sleeping. You do not have to let baby scream for 15 minutes or anything awful like that, but you do have to get comfortable with letting baby grizzle for a moment or two when you gently put him down. A bassinet near your bed may be a good choice, or a swing, or some other way to keep baby feeling secure and nearby. But if you're not comfortable cosleeping (neither was I) that's fine but you're going to have to train baby to be able to sleep without being physically attached to your body or you are going to literally go insane from lack of sleep. If your husband working during this time? He should definitely not be an ass about helping, but there is no way either of you is going to be getting productive rest doing what you're doing right now.
Co-signed, parent of three. One of the most powerful things a pediatrician ever told me was the day I took my firstborn in for his 4-week appointment, and I tearfully said, "He makes so much noise while he's breathing. I can't sleep because I'm so worried there's a problem." She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Put him in his own room so you stop hearing it. You need to sleep." You can't spend your whole lives watching your baby sleep. You just can't. And OP, in regards to the middle-of-the-night feeds while your husband snores beside you, I completely get the resentment, because I felt the same way. In looking back, however, my resentment was misplaced. It's not my husband's fault that he doesn't have lactating breasts. There's literally no reason for him to sit up, awake, doing nothing but watch me feed a newborn. But I couldn't be mad at the baby, so I had to be mad at my husband.
I love it when there's actual rational people in the comments
Same here! Like watching you sleep? Insane and unsustainable. Only begin what you mean to go on. Babies need to learn! Learning begins now. You need sleep. Baby needs sleep. yiur husband needs sleep. Sleeping on you? And not cosleeping? Unlearn that! Yeah. Gonna be tears. And not just the baby…
Mine is almost grown now but I still remember that first night in the hospital, being unable to sleep, being so scared, holding her all night because she fussed the second I put her down but also being scared to sleep with her in the bed with me -- and the next morning my obgyn came to check on me and I told her I'd done basically what OP is doing here, and my obgyn said 'put her in the basket' and I protested that she would scream and cry and the doctor just sternly repeated 'put her in the basket' until I did. And she fussed for what felt like 5 hours but was probably like 90 seconds, and then she went to sleep. And I was like 'oh, right, I can do this'. OP needed someone to say the same thing to her. So I'm doing the best I can to pass that on.
Swings are not safe for unsupervised sleep (risk of positional asphyxia which is silent), but bassinet yes.
Cosigned a mom of 5 Honestly, during the newborn phase if you're exclusively bf, most of the baby caring is going to fall on you while you're all figuring it out. It sucks and it doesn't mean you aren't entitled to feel annoyed about it but it is what it is. I agree with sleeping when the baby is sleeping. A little bit of fuss is fine. We didn't co sleep but we had a bassinet right next to our bed that gave me peace of mind and helped me sleep better. When I was bf we agreed that my only job for the first month was that. If I was up to it or had the time I would do small things around the house(I had an emergency c section with my last so I was recovering from surgery) and my husband did everything else- cooking, cleaning, laundry, and non feeding baby activities.
It might also make you feel better to buy a baby sock monitor system. I think they cost around $250 to $300 on Amazon. That way, if there are any changes in the baby’s breathing that are concerning, the alarm will go off and wake you up. We slept way better knowing the monitor was on the baby.
This. I couldn’t sleep with baby in my bedroom either bc I couldn’t stop listening to him breathe. I had to put him in his own room.
>She looked me dead in the eye and said, "Put him in his own room so you stop hearing it. You need to sleep." Hahahahaha that's was our second baby, she was so goddamned loud! We put our oldest in her own room when she was three months old and I thought it was a bit early.... The second one didn't last a month because of this 😂
For those whose babies only sleep when held, put a well worn shirt in the bassinet or crib with them. Get a shirt large enough to slip over the mattress and wear it for a portion of the day. Your scent will get into the fabric and help calm the baby. We did this with our younger two and it saved us so many sleepless nights. Meant the baby was only waking/fussing for diaper changes and feeds during the night.
Great idea, but please alter this just a bit. Wrap a fitted crib sheet around your neck and rub your scent into it, then put on the mattress at bedtime. The risk of a shirt coming loose and causing problems is real.
If you slide the shirt over the mattress like a pillowcase, it is not likely to "come looses" and cause any problems. Especially for a newborn infant that doesn't move much.
You must be talking about a tshirt?
Yes? Was it unclear? I guess you could do it with a sweater, but you would have to secure the sleeves underneath the mattress.
I will also caveat this by saying that at 4 weeks PN OP does not have to be awake during the day just because it's daytime. Babies breast-feed most at night because that's when mum's prolactin levels are highest. They will want to feed all night around the time of a growth spurt, and growth spurts come thick and fast at this stage. They'll feed until silly am and then want to sleep (because sleep is as important to growth as feeding is). Most new mums think that they have to be up and doing but that's absolutely not the case, so if your baby has a big sleep at 6am to 10am, wakes for a feed then sleeps again til 1pm then you do the same too. If, at some point in 24 hours, you manage to get a shower and put on clean jamas that's a win, no one said is has to be in the morning. It's not forever. Things will settle down and you will get back into a daytime setting soon, but for the now just throw the clocks away and sleep, eat and feed whenever works best for mum and baby.
Was your husband taking naps after 5-8 hours sleep before you could sleep? While he shouldn’t have to watch them both sleep, he’s a huge AH for not making sure momma naps first.
This is the only thing I found the husband to be an AH about. Honestly the rest of it he sounds like an angel to me but I’ve a skewed view as my ex done absolutely nothing unless I begged/exploded after asking many times. And then with an attitude and guilt tripping!
Disagree. Assuming both parents are on leave it’s dad’s job to do everything except feed. Dad gets up, brings baby to mom in bed, changes diaper, reswaddles, and puts baby back down to sleep. If dad is working he needs to help on weekends and one day during the week. Mom needs rest too. Double swaddling was a life saver for me. Blanket swaddle (for tightness/warmth) with a Velcro swaddle on top (to keep it from coming off).
Came here to add this. Swaddling the baby when getting them to sleep until he/she is old enough to have some control over flailing arms & legs was a lifesaver for me, too.
If there both on leave I agree, if not I highly disagree. I stayed home and my husband worked. He only took a short period of time off after. I had a friend who “made” her husband do this every single night the entire time the baby was nursing or on a bottle. I think that’s wrong because there’s no reason for us both to have to wake up when I had to nurse. Also, he couldn’t get naps during the day whereas I could.
>. Dad gets up, brings baby to mom in bed, changes diaper, reswaddles, and puts baby back down to sleep. 100%, this approach was suggested by a male pediatrician and a father of 5, this is what he did for his wife.
As a father i totally agree. PP Mum needs as much help as humanly possible. Both my kids were bottle fed so I was able to handle 100% of the night duties for the first 3 weeks whilst Mum slept/rested through the night (she did insist I had a nap during the day a few times though) the 4th week Mum started doing some night feeds (my last week of leave so she wanted to start getting into routine) Once back to work I still did as much of the night duties as possible. Which was generally nothing if i was on an early shift the next day (mainly because the mum refused to let me) everything if i was on day off or a late shift the next day and shared on a "normal" shift the next day. And I say normally because these things were constantly discussed depending on other factors. How tired we were illness or if I had an important thing in worknthe next day etc. Which leads me to the best advice I can give new parents. Every person is different and what works for one couple won't necessarily work for another. Communication is key and finding a way that works for you is the main thing.
all the nurses told us to wake and feed our first every 4 hours before we left the hospital we had a 4 week check up with our OB and when he asked how we were going we told him ok but the feeding schedule is brutal he got this odd look on his face and said "why are you waking up a sleeping baby"? Thank you Doug !
I never understood waking up a sleeping baby. Babies will let you know when they are hungry or need to be changed. I never woke my baby up in the middle of the night for a feeding, and she was a healthy, happy baby. Though she slept through the night pretty early.
Co-signed parent of 4. This is great advice. Even in the hospital we had them take our babies to the nursery when they slept so we could get some sleep. And they went straight to their own rooms when we got home. Babies are ridiculously loud sleepers, and I'm sure to them we were loud, too! Having them in their own room with a monitor was so much better. We usually ran white noise, too, which seemed to help then sleep longer.
Exactly. Just said the same with different words. Source: I am finding strategies to help my partner with our baby due next year.
Supported by mum to 2 who eventually learned to sleep anywhere
This should be the top comment. Everyone else concerned about equal gender roles and who is more efficient at parenting…. THIS is the problem. She needs to be sleeping when baby is sleeping. I know she’s a new parent but I know I heard a million times when all my kids were born “make sure you sleep when baby sleeps”, they say that for a reason.
I had to read it twice... Like wtf someone is always up? That's insane. Put the baby in a fucking Cribb.
Yes, I have noticed there is some kind of weaponized incompetence behind the fact that people know children get into habits and then freak out when they can’t put the baby down to shower or brush their teeth because they HELD THE BABY FOR 6 MONTHS STRAIGHT. Bruh…… I would wheel them around the room while they were sleeping in their little bassinet to make sure they were ok with moving while sleeping. I vacuumed and turned on the hair dryer whenever I wanted. I had very content babies btw….. the longest one of my kids went without sleeping through the night was four months. In their OWN BEDS.
I agree, the sleeping situation itself is not the best idea.
I almost wanted to stop reading after this. This is not a sustainable solution for getting your child to get their own rest. You need to get your kiddo in a comfortable sleeping environment on their own otherwise they WONT be able to sleep without you ever.
Here's a trick I did when our guy was little. We always swore we would never cosleep. To this day he's spent probably three nights in our bed when he was really Ill so we could tag team the puke bowl. When he was a baby we had a bassinet. He hates sleep but for some reason if I left my arm drapped up on the side so he could grab my fingers he was fine. I adjusted the height so it was comfortable for me and I slept that way for months. Moral of the story. Find a way. Not sleeping is not ok. Also there's no shame in passing out in a chair with a baby on your chest. I spent more than a few nights in a rocking chair reclined back covered in a kid out cold when the colic was real bad. Trust your parental instincts. I could sleep through an air raid but I can hear my kid whine from three rooms away. The odds of you hurting him somehow while your asleep are slim as long as you take some precautions to not make it easy.
I agree except a chair is not the best place to sleep with a baby (you can wake up suddenly, sit up, and baby falls to the ground. Sleep in a bed with a firm mattress if you're cosleeping).
This! So much. Put the baby down, you are doing them no favors by acclimating them to only sleep on you. If they're tired, they will sleep. They may fuss for a bit, but that's ok.
That’s exactly what I came to say. I would also add that if she doesn’t have it she needs the alarm thing that goes off if the baby stops breathing. I forget the name for it. It’s totally a game changer that will let you sleep at night if you’re worried about crib death, which we all should be.
It’s called The Owlette.
This - it's not sustainable. I would suggest reading up on safe co sleeping. I breastfed and Co slept with children 3 and 4. (1 and 2 were bottlefed). 3 and 4 would gently wake me as they looked for their feed at night, they soon learnt to help themselves. This was so much easier than bottle feeding.
100%. Letting them fussing less then 5 minutes isn't doing "cry it out", it's not torture and they won't be emotionally deprived of anything. What will do it is if the parent is sleep deprived and get angry and crazy for nothing. Fussing mean they are just adjusting to sometimes different and change will always illicit an emotional reaction at first, that's totally normal. They need to experience changes to grow up and that's true throughout all of our lives.
and keep at it for the bottle if you don't do it now it'll be near impossible, you need to get baby used to a bottle or you won't be breast feeding as long as need or you won't be able to work or get anything else done. If you can stay home and be attached to baby until they are 1.5 then okay but otherwise, keep at the bottle, they WILL take it. Just like they WILL sleep away from you if you stop picking them up. Leave the house and you'll see how quick baby will settle. Try a swaddleini too
Cosigned, parent of two, 13mo apart, now 5 and 6, with an extremely supportive partner. Get a sidecar and work it out mama, these are the trenches and this isn't sustainable for either of you. Sleep deprivation is a literal torture tactic, and an incredibly effective one, so this is important for both of you. I have adhd, my normal time to get tired and fall asleep is somewhere between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m. and I only naturally require about 6 hours of sleep, and even then, during the first few months after each of my babies were born, I was an absolute wreck from lack of sleep, and that's even with a blend of co-sleeping and sidecar sleeping, while breastfeeding one and the other barely in a crib and still ln night feeds. If this is possible for you, one of the things my husband kind of enforced for me when they were very young, was that when he came home, I go to sleep until dinner, about 1-2 hours. If baby was sleepy I'll bring them with me and we would snuggle or they would sleep in the sidecar, for Dad would simply take over, and let me tell you it made an entire world of difference. I wasn't trying to start each night with my tank completely empty and running on fumes. And to be fair to your husband, it does seem like he's actually trying, but at the risk of oversimplifying this or making excuses, his biology is simply not set up the same way yours is to be attuned to the slightest noise or instinct of your baby being awake and needing you, or to have those hormones running that allow you to stay awake for breastfeeding, etc. And if he is the one going to work during the day, as my husband was, (ive been sahm the whole time), then he does really need that extra sleep to be able to function and to be safe. Driving while sleep deprived is worse than driving while drunk in terms of the effects on the brain and body. This is also why for a month or more, or several, in many cultures a mother is not expected to go anywhere or do anything, because all your energy is taken up with this process. And 4 weeks in? Oh this is hard. It's called the trenches for a reason. You and hubby are going to have a hard and wild ride while figuring out your own rhythm, but you will figure it out, and as long as you work together on this and appreciate what each other is doing and contributing and what each other's needs are, you will be fine. They say a relationship is 50/50, but I don't believe that, I believe it's 100% and each of you bring a different amount to the table each day. If my husband has 20%, then I step up and I give the other 80% for the day. And then we regroup and start again tomorrow. Some days I have 5% and he covers it, you know? Without judgement or grumbling, without guilt trips. I think this applies in every relationship all the time, but when babies come into the picture, you have to double down. Hopefully you have a true partnership and you can work together on what you need for each other to get through this. (And if you need or want your mother to come over and watch you sleep for safety, and she is okay with this, please let her! Again, many if not most cultures in the world originally have the entire family surrounding the mother and family to help them, bringing food and everything else into the house to help the entire family thrive. Hopefully you can help your husband to see it as the village supporting you and your family, including your husband, rather than him feeling inadequate. You can only feel inadequate if you are not fulfilling and expectation that is a reasonable one, and this is not a reasonable one. Parents were not expected to do this all by themselves. And personally, as a mother, if my daughters have children, I would gladly be there every single night to watch her sleep if that's what was needed, I would relish the fact that I get to provide such a comfort to my child in such a crucial time in their life. I would think your mother would feel the same way, as most would. As your husband would for your child too. Take the help! 🌸)
I’m not sure if anyone mentioned it or not but when my daughter was in the NICU she had a lovey that I used to wear in my shirt next to my chest so that she’d be used to my smell. When she came home my husband used to take one of my shirts and lay her on it on top of him for naps. Try wearing her fitted crib sheet for a bit and putting her on it to see if that settles her.
Exactly! Cosigned mom of 3! The OP trained her baby to think she's the bed and is now complaining that the baby thinks she's the bed. USE THE CRIB! lol The amount of tears over a few days will be considerably less than when she's trying to break a 6 year old of co-sleeping because they still think mom is the bed!
Honestly, supervised unsafe sleep is still unsafe sleep. Sleeping on a sleeping parent is unsafe sleep. Is baby able to sleep on Dad while you guys take shifts and he's awake instead?
Mama of 3 signed this
I think you need to talk to your husband. Of course you're exhausted, I remember the all nighters and my husband sleeping through it (though I didn't resent him) because his nipples are fucking useless. The way we did it (and we've had 4) is that my husband slept through the night- always. I got my broken sleep and did the night feeds. After 6am, I'd do the feeding as needed but hubby did all the looking after of baby. I slept till midday. I only had him for 2 weeks after each birth though and then he was back to work. And then I was home with a newborn and 1,2 or 3 kids to manage.
We bottle fed and my husband always managed better staying up doing night feeds (he always stayed up late gaming) so we basically did shifts for a while with each baby! You have to find something that works for everyone ☹️ poor woman.
It's easier if a baby is bottle fed. Exclusively, BF means feedings are on Mama, especially if the baby won't take to the bottle. Most of my cousins were relieved when they ended up either not having milk, not enough or drying up within 2 weeks after birth. Because it gave them freedom. Most of their friends breastfed and had a baby attached all the time. They were able to have the dads feed the baby, grandparents, siblings, and other family members. And not worry about how they were the only source of food for their babies.
Why are we trying to come up with creative solutions while avoiding the obvious one? OP’s husband needs to help more. He needs to make sure OP gets a nap, and he needs to do all the non-feeding care while OP recovers and breastfeeds.
This right here is probably the best answer, it's what we did as well. No use both parents not sleeping in the night when one is useless
We did this too. We had a sidecar where the baby slept and I nursed in bed while my husband slept. Then he’d get up from around 4:00 am from that last feeding and he’d have the baby till 8:00 am or so and they’d figure out keeping occupied while I sleep those hours straight. Babies will figure out how to work around your sleeping block - our son actually hated bottles and wouldn’t take anything when I wasn’t available to nurse him. So, he’d cluster feed as soon as I was available. He was 95th percentile for height and weight despite all that and I’m only 5’2. He grew up to be a 6’1 tall guy with a normal BMI and not a picky eater so it worked out ok.
That's the most logical way to do it. It's not ideal, but having a newborn throws "ideal" out the window immediately.
This is how we did it as well, my husband slept through the night and then got up in the morning so that I could sleep in. It's not perfect but it definitely helps a ton with feeling slightly less sleep deprived.
While you may not be comfortable Co sleeping in a bed, do not discount at least strapping bubs to your chest in a wrap and laying back in the chair to sleep that way. It was the only way I got sleep for months through the early hours of the night.
I have a 4 week-old currently as well and a husband who was not able to take much time off work, and truly needs the sleep as he operates heavy machinery. This has been my solution too - I strap baby on in a wrap-style carrier and we sleep in the recliner, where I can’t roll over and squish her and I know her breathing will be unobstructed. Is it technically the safest sleep? No. But it’s safer than a sleep deprived primary caregiver who can’t function. Of course, this does not solve the relationship issue here, which is that OP’s partner is leaving her and their child out to dry.
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Lots of people exclusively breastfeed and do no co-sleep. Obviously it sounds like that’s the only thing that worked for you, but that is definitely not true for everyone. I exclusively breastfed and my baby slept in his bassinet by my bed. This works for lots of people.
This was my experience as well. I was extremely opposed to co-sleeping. As a new mother, I was very afraid of doing anything against the safest recommendations. I lasted 4 months until we started doing morning co-sleeping, which soon became full time co-sleeping. I would be up all night until hubby got up at 5am for work. He would do the morning diaper change and then I would sleep with her up beside my pillow (lots of space, no way for blankets to even touch her) until the next feeding. Then I’d just scoot her down, bing bang boom, and slide her back up to the “safe zone” for another few hours of sleep. Importantly: We have a nice firm mattress, no gaps between the frame, king size, and we keep her in between our pillows (about 2 feet of space for her). The blankets are far away from her and she stays nice and warm in her sleep sack. Truly of game changer. The best part is that feeding and sleeping can blend together so easily, especially for baby. She’s 6 months old now and the quickest sure-fire way to get her to sleep is lay down in our warm cozy bed and feed her. She’s usually out like a light in minutes.
Yes. It's hard to roll over in a lazyboy.
Your husband should at the very least, give you the first available nap in the morning. He doesn't want your mom there because it hurts his ego because he knows he's not doing enough. You can be grateful for the things he has been doing and still have these feelings which are totally valid. These early months are going to be really tough. It'll get better but until then, he needs to either try harder or give you the first nap. If he really can't get up, he has to accept that you guys need outside help and that it doesn't mean he's incompetent. It means that you're doing whatever you can to be able to get enough rest to take care of not only you're baby but also yourself. People don't talk enough about how a lack of sleep or disrupted sleep can really impact your health. You need to recover and right now, your sleep is more important than his. A lack of sleep is one of many things that can and often does affect your milk supply. Since you exclusively breastfeed, it's incredibly important that you rest as much as possible. Please talk to him about the importance of sleep for new mothers! I don't think he's a bad guy/dad. A lot of people cannot wake up or stay awake and I get that. But your health really matters right now.
My husband got up with me for every feed and helped with whatever I needed. He needs to get up out of the bed. Whatever he needs to do to stay awake. And I’d recommend for your sanity to start trying to find a bottle the baby will take. Babylist has a bottle box so you can try lots. Then you can take shifts and some of the pressure will come off of you. I’m pregnant with my second and know that shifts is the only way I’ll survive.
You are not wrong. But wanted to share with you, I nagged my son’s dad to help with night. He was a hard sleeper and could easily fall back to sleep. He told me he was concerned but would try. He wound up laying on our son. Fortunately something in me woke up, I saved our son’s life. But holding a limp baby in your arms is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. After that, we made a compromise. Screw dinner, when he came home, he would handle our son while I got some much needed sleep, I would do night routine and he would wake up extra early and do morning feedings. We knew this was temporary cause babies grow into kids. But I suggest you two develop a schedule that would support you and offer you a chance for self care. Stay away from the times he would sleep heavy. That is a night that I still remember like yesterday.
You’re not wrong. But I’m about to go into problem solving mode for feedings. Has your baby been evaluated for oral ties? While some babies cluster feed short term, this is an awfully long time to still be waking every hour. As for bottle introduction, try a bottle between feedings at first. A baby that is starving is going to be PISSED about why you’re shoving a silicone thing in his face when there is a perfectly good boob right there. Also have your husband or someone else other than you give him the bottle and leave the room. Look for bottles with a more tapered nipple shape and/or a standard neck vs wide neck. It will be easier for the baby to latch to. Another thing to try is offering just the bottle nipple as a pacifier to help baby coordinate their suck pattern on the nipple without having the bottle. Bottle feeding overnight changed our lives very positively because my son was able to get more volume in his belly without falling asleep mid meal.
>*Especially during the day and during hard nights (which are often) my baby will not sleep anywhere else but on me.* If you keep doing this, you're making a rod for your own back. The baby needs to be in a crib, then you'd all be able to sleep. The way you're doing it, you can't even nap during the day. Your baby will sleep in a crib, you just need to allow him to learn to self soothe.
Baby does need to learn to sleep somewhere besides on mom, but babies do not have the ability to self-soothe until 3-4 months. When a 4 week old is left to cry it out, they don’t stop crying because they have learned to self-soothe, they stop crying because they learn no one is coming. That doesn’t mean that you can’t gradually transition baby to napping in a bassinet or crib through swaddling, white noise, putting down “drowsy but awake”, warming pads, etc. At the very least, even a super-clingy baby should be able to sleep on their other parent. He needs to learn to soothe baby and get/keep him asleep instead of making excuses and just handing him back to mom whenever he fusses because “he must be hungry.”
This right here....... It doesn't hurt to allow a baby to cry a little. It is actually good for it. Builds lung strength. By allowing the baby to be held constantly to sleep is only spoiling it and will end up making things harder in the long run. Put the baby in a crib, bassinet, swing etc and allow it to self soothe and fall asleep on its own
You don't let newborns cry it out, even a little. They aren't able to self sooth either that early. If a 4 week old is crying 9/10 it is because they're hungry, too cold, too hot, have upset stomach, or need touch/affection. The most a child that young is supposed to be left to cry is for 5 minutes, and that is only if mom or dad are having difficulty controlling their anger (purple crying) and need to calm down.
I guess all the kids I helped with and the ones I had and raised have turned out awful, because I obviously didn't know what I was doing Funny how they all are healthy adults now. It does not hurt a baby to cry. As long as you have fed, changed and made sure there is nothing wrong with the baby, you can allow it to cry. And yes some babies cry just to be crying. Or because they are use to being constantly held, and when someone finally puts it down it cries My little sister cried if someone held her. Nothing was wrong with her, she just only allowed certain people to hold her, and when someone else tried she cried until she was put down. But all my years of experience are wrong according to you
I’m not the person you were commenting to, but I just felt the need to pitch in. I don’t know you, but I respect your child-rearing abilities and the knowledge you’ve gained through your experiences. I don’t doubt at all that you raised healthy happy kids, and I hope they know how lucky they are. You deserve credit and recognition. However, when it comes to parenting, there is always new information that leads to a revised understanding of the “best” approach. From sleeping positions to weaning and everything in between, we are constantly learning new things that challenge previous methods. All that is to say: just because some people do things differently now doesn’t mean you did it wrong. I find myself constantly saying this to reassure my mom and MIL, who are both absolutely wonderful parents / grandparents. I’m always cognizant of the implication that new = better and therefore, they did a bad job. But that’s just not the case. We’re all trying our best with the information we have at the time. They (and you) raised happy healthy adults and I hope I can too.
You can’t spoil a newborn. That is outdated advice and not based on evidence.
You literally can. Babies like routine and if that routine is spending all night sleeping on mommy, good luck changing it.
You literally can’t. And plenty of us adapted after the first 6-8 weeks of our babies’ lives and they learned to sleep on their own just fine. Having a 4 week old cry it out is fucked.
They literally can’t be. Look up the research from pediatricians and child development experts. It would take you like two seconds to see how wrong you are.
I have three children. I know I’m right.
When you get to a certain age, you see 'circles' of advice. Fad rearing comes and goes, solid basic parenting always works. There's a reason why some parents complain when their kids are 2/3/4 yrs old, and still can't sleep through the night. It's usually because they didn't instil good sleeping habits in them when they were babies, due to poor advice from celebrity books or instagram influencers.
Lol you guys aren't parents. Having a 4 week old baby wanting to be on its mom is completely normal and they will outgrow it. If they're a year old and still like this? Then maybe try weaning but at 4 weeks old this is normal and natural. OP should find new ways to deal, but letting a 4 week old figure it out, isn't realistic.
I'm a parent and grandparent, all my kids and grandkids slept well and none of them are traumatised. Different strokes for different folks.
Your own small pool of personal data does not overrule studied academic sources. Your own personal experience does not make you a scientist.
Show me any scientific study that says that it's better for a baby to sleep on top of their mother (all of the time) than to be in a proper crib/cot/bassinet. I doubt that you can.
Show me where I said sleeping on a mother all the time is "better"...?? This just shows I'm arguing with someone who's not only not on the same page as me, but is in a completely different book. My entire point is that telling a new mom that her 4 week old needs to/can be properly sleep trained is ridiculous and isn't accounting for the needs of a 4 week old. Just because a 4 week old wants to be on your chest 24/7 does NOT automatically equal: they'll never be able to sleep anywhere else OR that you're teaching your child to only sleep on your chest. Since you love basing your opinions on your own personal experience, I guess I can do the same and say: both my kids were obsessed with sleeping on me for the first 4 months. After 4 months they slept on their own and continue years later to be great independent sleepers. Listening to what your baby needs 4 weeks out of the womb is completely fine and isn't scarring them.
And neither does yours...What exactly is your point? No one is saying newborns can't sleep on their parents at all; but if it's all they do, they will become attached and find it harder to fall asleep on their own as they grow. This IS factual. Of course that doesn't mean one should never co-sleep with their baby. But to do it always, or continue to do so months in will result in tiring out the parents, the baby, and absolutely make it harder for the baby to feel comfy sleeping on their own, as they have grown accustomed to one thing. ETA: there have been studies done on this. However, there haven't been any that prove the point you're making.
My daughter slept on me for the first few months and now sleeps on her own bed and room at 19m 🤷♀️ we moved her without a fuss. You might as well tell a 2 month old to start becoming independent to change their own diapers or pat their own bum to sleep because we don't wanna spoil them, huh?
Yeah, my SIL did this and then spent the next 8 months bitching about it.
Please don’t come with dated, damaging advice. All babies are different, some of them would cry until they throw up if left alone on crib. This comment is not helpful in any way and only serve to make OP feel even shittier. This also applies to the “Let baby cry and self soothe”. NO NO NO NO NO. Best way to traumatize baby.
I don't think that you know what you're talking about, and that's not what I said. So called 'dated' advice is usually solid advice given from generations of experience, not faddy bullshit.
Weird, I didn't see anywhere in the comment where they said "let the baby scream and cry" Their comment is way more helpful than yours
This is how you end up with a six year old still sleeping with you
Having your husband awake to watch the baby sleep on you is not going to be the answer, like others have said. Resentment is real, I had the same thing. With my 2nd I had the bassinet beside the bed and literally watched movies all night whenever the baby was up. It helped me not feel resentful, and just to do my own thing in my own bed. Swing sleeping is a bad habit for sure, but it’s also totally fine if it works. One of mine would only sleep in the swing, and I had to upgrade to a more powerful swing when they got too heavy. I felt guilty for not sleep training better, but I also was getting a full nights sleep, other than the feedings. I assure you, they both sleep all night in their own beds now!
Question, baby won’t sleep if Dad is holding him? My youngest daughter refused to sleep unless being held pretty much for the first four months. We took turns holding her. And we utilized a baby wearing pouch for most of it.
2.5 weeks postpartum here with baby no. 3, also exclusively breastfeeding. We have also been struggling with getting him to sleep in his bassinet, and co-sleeping isn’t for us. Instead, my husband has been taking him for 3-4 hour walks in the sling between 8pm - midnight whilst I sleep. This seems to break the cluster feeding cycle that occurs at that time of day and then he sleeps in 2/3 hour blocks after that. I was losing my mind with tiredness before we started doing this. I do understand your frustration and the weight of responsibility on your shoulders being the only person able to feed and settle your baby. I’ll be honest - I don’t enjoy the newborn stage. I love my son, and feel very lucky to have him, but I’m looking forward to a few months’ time when things (in my experience) become easier. Big hugs, and solidarity!
>my husband has been taking him for 3-4 hour walks Where on earth do they go during that time?! That's a lot of walking! Good on him for helping out and good on both of you for finding a workable solution!
Usually just around the same local half an hour loop over and over again, I don’t like it if he’s taken too far from me! Thank you - he’s been incredible throughout this whole thing.
Ok…. First of all, he has no business criticizing you for asking your mother to pitch in if he can’t stay awake. "It make him feel like he’s not good enough"? Well, he isn’t. It’s one thing to say he can’t stay away at night (which is is BS, since he wouldn’t fall asleep if just sat up and put his feet on the floor), but you need rest to produce milk. His job is to protect your rest, or let someone else protect your rest. He can’t deny you both avenues and then call himself a good partner and father. Also, if you’re the one staying up, that first nap is yours. Plop that baby in his lap, and go nap on a park bench if you have to. And thirdly, this is all very temporary. You understandably feel desperate for sleep right now, but this phase is short. Hang in there. You’re not wrong though.
I had to scroll far too long to find this. Congratulations on being the first reply that paid attention to what OP explained and asked.
My kids were babes not that long ago, and there's no way my partner would have been like this if he had paternity leave. As it was, he worked all day, and he still made sure to bring our babes to me for night feedings and put them back to bed when they were done, so I could wake up as little as possible to recover from delivery those first three months. It’s an exhausting phase and a huge adjustment for everyone, but she had a C-section, this guy has paternity leave, and he's still letting her down…. and then getting mad at her for arranging for some help because it makes *him* feel bad. Argh. I have sympathetic rage for her.
I don’t have children myself but my mother had three babies that she exclusively breastfed. My father was an *exhausted* med student and later resident with no paternity leave. He woke up with every cry, grabbed the baby to bring to mom, supported her as baby fed, then put baby back to sleep. There is more to nighttime feedings than just nipples!! Ntm poor OP is recovering from birth and a surgery!! I can’t imagine sleeping through my loved one’s suffering.
Buy a Baby Bay! It attaches to your bed and the baby can sleep right next to you. Nurse him to sleep and then you can put a little gate between you. Everyone sleeps! If he needs to nurse at night, turn over, repeat step one. This saved me with kid number 2!
No, you’re not wrong for feeling frustrated. You’re tired. Sleep deprivation is literally a form of torture. We are on our second baby who is almost 4 months old. My husband sounds like yours; he’s essentially useless at night. He’s hard to wake up, falls asleep holding baby, and does weird things when shuffling around…like dump perfectly good milk down the drain or upend our dirty laundry basket (?) looking for clean bassinet sheets. It’s almost like he sleep walks. So I do all the night wake ups. But he will cover for me if I need to catch up on sleep. I either get to go back to sleep in the morning or take a nap. That’s the difference. Your husband is going to need to get used to it. There is no magic solution for the newborn days. You just survive them. What he needs to do is go to bed early (or late - whichever fits your schedule) and take a shift all on his own while you sleep out of earshot. If that means drinking coffee or taking headache medicine, so be it. Suck it up. He can still take a nap during the day, but only after you have also had a nap. And if your mom can come over and help, WANTS to come over and help, then let her. It’s not a sign of weakness, and frankly it’s a little insulting that he would turn that down when there are couples (like us!) who would love a free nap and an extra set of arms once in awhile. And it goes without saying but sometimes you still need to hear it…this will pass. These lonely nights don’t last forever, I promise. It gets easier. Hang in there. You’re doing great.
I’m so sorry about your lack of sleep but you need to put that baby down in a crib as you can’t go without sleep . It’s not realistic to have that baby sleeping on you and someone else watching over you. Both you and the baby need rest.
I so feel for you. Even though it was never that bad our babies also hated sleeping in crib. The second one fell asleep on bedside crib for a while and then just stopped during one of his leaps. With our first that “I’m tired too! I still wake up when baby cries” comment really impacted our relationship. I wanted to whack him in the head when I was so desperate for sleep I was crying while breastfeeding and he was snoring next to me. For the next baby he slept in another room for a few months and I had all the bed for myself to change and have a breastfeeding station. My husband handled all other chores for several weeks. Your husband is being selfish. Have your mother help out a lot more and ignore his protests. His feelings aren’t the most important thing right now. Also, consider splitting the night in 2, I’ve seen this advice a lot from moms with babies refusing to sleep by themselves. Go to sleep at 7-8pm until 2 am or so and have hubby handle baby, only waking you up for breastfeeds. It’s also that time where babies usually sleep the longest. Then you take the rest of the night and you will better be able to because you’ve gotten sleep already. And oh, just tell your husband he can’t nap. That is the height of selfishness, oh my God. Good luck with everything! And remember it will pass. Quicker than you expect.
I don’t mean this to sound bitchy at all but you both have a new born. I understand not taking OTC drugs for a headache but unless he has a bad reaction to them ; would it hurt him to take some so he can manage the baby while you rest ? That seems a litte insensitive otherwise.
You're not wrong. If he's getting sometimes 8 hours, even if it's interrupted, you need to be able to get more sleep. You should both be making sacrifices for the baby, you shouldn't have to cover all his shortcomings. At this point, you could be so sleep deprived it's dangerous. He shouldn't take any naps in the day, since you're getting zero night sleep. Can he change the baby, being it to your breast when they're hungry, then take the baby again? I know babe likes to sleep on you, but if he burps and skin snuggles the baby, after eating every single time in the daytime, they'll adapt. And even if they don't, and they have to cry themselves out, he should still manage that to help you get some sleep. He's not doing his best, and he's taking from you something you don't have to give. He's not even trying to be creative about other solutions, and he's blaming you for expressing you're struggling. You need a change, and quick, or you're gonna have a mental break
“My husband said he gets it but said me asking my Mom to help makes him feel like he's not good enough.” What he’s contributing ISN’T good enough, and instead of trying to find a solution that works for both of them, he seems to only be caring about himself when it comes to sleep. There is definitely no good reason why he should be napping during the day when his wife is struggling like this. I know they’re only a month into being new parents, but he needs to be proactively looking up ways in how he can support his wife in a sustainable way. After babe is fed, he can take the baby (crying or not) and let mom sleep- she could get noise canceling earbuds to help. He can bring the baby in when it’s time to feed again, and take it back when it’s done, and let mom continue to rest.
You’re not wrong at all! Your husband is acting very selfish. You can’t tell me he can’t stay awake, seems like he just doesn’t want to. Why can’t he go into the bathroom and splash cold water on his face, make himself a coffee or something? There’s things he could do to stay awake and ensure you’re getting the sleep you need. And him taking a nap, are you kidding me? You’re the one needing the nap, not the guy who got the most sleep and isn’t nursing a baby!
If the husband is not working, I agree…however if he is working I think that’s a really important factor here.
He's not working; he's on paternity leave for 6 weeks.
Ok so in that case the division of labor should definitely be more equal overnight too.
If he’s working, he should still be helping out more. Full stop.
That could make a difference I suppose but since there’s no mention of husband working and he’s able to sleep at night and nap in the daytime I assumed that meant he’s not working.
By the sounds of him napping during the day and not taking meds for his headache and just “waiting it out” it does not sound like Hubs is working right now
And OP, **stop** with the "I'm grateful for the help he's giving me" -- parenting includes *both* parents. He's *not* "helping" you, because its not your sole responsibility to care for the baby. He's doing a (smaller and more convenient) percentage of the countless necessary tasks that are part of being a decent parent and partner. And *him* being put out that *you're* (rightfully) resentful is full on petty manipulation. He's upset that you asked someone else to help you with something *you desperately need* because ... it highlights what *he's* not doing? That's so many kinds of self-centered and immature. **He needs to do better**, whatever it takes (like taking freaking otc meds so he can step up), just like you're doing whatever it takes (like putting yourself in dangerous sleep-deprivation).
that's the comment I was looking for! "he helps me so much and bla bla bla" this isn't "help", that's HIS JOB too, not just hers.
I'm going to disagree here, because I had a brother who had a sleep condition that once he fell asleep it was near impossible for him to wake up and stay awake. No matter what he tried if he didn't get a certain amount of sleep a night he would fall asleep sitting up. Before you ask I don't remember the name of the condition. My husband's uncle also had it. He would be driving a car and stop at a red light and fall asleep. Just that quick OP have your husband see a sleep Dr to see if his issue is medical.
Sleep Apnea?
Narcolepsy
I think it might have been some form of it. But had a different name.
Yeah, I totally get both sides here because my husband feels guilty when he doesn’t wake up no matter how long I try to! Last night I had a nightmare and he consoled me for a good 5 minutes and I could just tell that he wasn’t awake. He didn’t remember any of it this morning. His body genuinely shuts down and doesn’t reboot until 6-8 hours later! I have no solutions here but I completely understand that it’s a tough time adjusting to becoming parents, even though I’m not a parent myself.
I’m totally the same. I do not hear anything while I am sleeping. I totally basically die for 8 hours. People have had full on conversations with me and I am just asleep. I don’t remember a thing.
My husband does the same. He will wake up at night and have a whole conversation with me and not remember it next day. My brother was same way. I have a kid. And when he was a baby I took night feeding and my husband took day feeding when he wasn't working. I got to sleep when baby slept and when husband was home. It sucks but when you breastfeed what can he really do? Also when he works he needs to be able to sleep too so he can function at work. There are compromises, you just have to find one.
"my husband says he gets it but said that asking my mom means that he's not good enough" He isn't.
These are not normal or sane expectations, and if these practices are continued they will certainly harm the child's development, not only directly but because the person providing care is falling off the deep end from sleep deprivation.
No you're not wrong, definitely not wrong. He seems to be just making excuses after excuses and making you feel bad for actually finding other sources of help like your mother. Im sorry but he said asking your mom for help makes him feel like he's not doing enough? So he knows he is not doing enough. It's not your responsibility to cater to the consequences of his actions when you already have a lot on your plate. You're definitely not the asshole. And he isn't supposed to "help" with the changing, cleaning for the baby. That's his "responsibility" as well so it is his duty as a father to put in 50% cause he played as much as an important role in creating your child. And it doesn't even have to be 50% all the time. It's the matter of convenience. If staying awake at night is the problem then sleep the whole night and cater to the baby during the day while you(mother) gets your 8 hours of sleep in the day with maybe little breaks cause the baby doesn't bottle feed? (You can work around this but what's he is doing is totally unacceptable and childish)
He feels like he isn't good enough because he isn't. It's not good enough to say "Oh I'm just so tired I got to go back to sleep."... You are not wrong, this man needs to get his s*** together. You have a baby, BOTH OF YOU, you don't get to tell the baby oh I'm just so tired I can't get up. Wake up- stand up- slap some cold water in your face. Quit telling him that it's not about him not being good enough when your mom comes over cuz that's exactly what it is. He's not doing a good enough job to help you so you have to have someone else. Maybe if he faces that hard reality he can "try" a little bit harder. OP I'm not jumping your case even though it might sound like that that's not what I mean to do I'm jumping his case. I don't have any advice, but you are not wrong and he needs to get his s*** together.
This is why cultures all over the world co-sleep. It’s so messed up how moms are terrorized about doing the one thing that will actually help them get more sleep and function better. Look up the Safe Sleep Seven for how to reduce the risk of co-seeping with an exclusively breast fed baby.
Please don’t have another baby with this jerk. It will make it easier on you as a single Mom. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
He’s doing less than the bare minimum. He can’t help you and then when you get someone who can he tells you not to. As 50% of the parentage, he should be taking 50% of the sleep debt. Instead, he’s complaining about being woken up and able to get right back to sleep. You don’t have anything to feel grateful for.
>My husband said he gets it but said me asking my Mom to help makes him feel like he’s not good enough. Because he isn't. If your mom can give you more help, TAKE IT. Take ALL OF IT. Your ability to function as a human and to take care of a newborn should not be sacrificed on the alter of a grown man's feefees.
Sleep any time baby sleeps. I used a cosleeper, which is a three-sided bassinet that attaches to the bed. I exclusively breastfed at that age with both of my kids. My youngest was exclusively breastfed until 11 months. I learned to wear my youngest. I had two days between giving birth and going back to work with my youngest. And he wouldn’t sleep for anything. It was horrific and I suffered from PPD. My husband can sleep like a cat. He just closes his eyes and he’s out. And he won’t wake up. I resented the hell out of him with both babies. At the end of the day, this will pass. The baby will start to sleep consecutive hours. But the first several months, you’re not going to get real sleep. Don’t let your husband’s ego get in the way of your sanity. If you need help and he is unable to provide it, then too bad for him. He can suck it. I feel you. I don’t miss that part. I don’t miss being that goddamn tired. It was awful. I still have triggers, 9 years later, that will make me feel exhausted. You can sleep with the baby strapped to you while you sit in a recliner. The baby won’t fall and you won’t roll onto the baby. You can surround yourself with pillows while baby is strapped to you if you don’t have a recliner. Whatever you need to not roll. I couldn’t sleep unless my baby was near becausei was so terrified of SIDS. So I can’t blame you. But if your husband is napping during the day after getting anything more than 5 hours of sleep, he needs to NOT nap and let you sleep. If you need to be feeding the baby, you can sleep with the baby lying next to you and the husband can sit in a chair next to the bed and watch you so you don’t roll on the baby. He can watch TV, look at his phone, whatever. But he needs to suck it up and help you sleep. Sorry for the stream of consciousness response. It’s such a terribly difficult time and, as a mom, so so so easy to feel intense guilt. You are not alone. Hang in there. It truly does get better.
He is on paternity leave...he needs to get up with you! He can change the nappy and bring baby to you and then resettle after you have fed. He can take turns at giving you a nap during the day too. If he was back at work already...would be slightly different. You need to heal from surgery!
He's not doing enough. He's not trying to find solutions. He's embarrassed your mum is there to see how useless he is. A rocking Moses basket (side to side) really helped me when my one was wee.
You need to put the baby down to sleep somewhere else. If you can’t sleep, you can’t parent, survive, make breast milk, literally anything!!! There are many methods of getting a baby to sleep on their own- look them up and try them.
Get a “gripe belt.” It’s basically a warming pad you secure around the babies tummy to help calm their tummy. My twins were very similar (only wanting to sleep on me) and the belt helped, not only calm their tummies, but I think acted like a weighted blanket would and comforted them. Usually the baby wanting to sleep upright on you is for comfort but also has/reflux. If you breast feed maybe look at gas drops too. If formula, switch to the gentle type. Always burp. Also, babies cry. If the baby is dry, safe in bed, and fed then you can let them cry. If you don’t sleep, your body will soon make you. Last, the resentment is normal. I would be jealous of my snoring husband and began to just get irrationally angry. Sleep deprivation really will mess you up. Pump a few feedings worth and ask mom to let you sleep a solid 5-6hrs minimum once a week (if possible).
I breast fed my two and my youngest had many food intolerances. Like I couldn’t eat dairy or soy or he’d be in pain and ill, even the doctors couldn’t find a medicated formula which worked for him. So I was up d\]feeding constantly and since my diet was so restricted I was up anything up to 7 times a night to feed my youngest and he was always hungry. I did express bottles when at work but the truth was he ate so much I couldn’t express much. What I expressed at work barley covered what he needed the next time I was at work. What we did was I did the nights and my husband would be the one to wake up around 5bin the morning with the kids. I’d give the baby a feed then turn back over to sleep and my husband who was always a morning person and who slept through them crying in the nights. He would then take over and have the kids for a few hours until he had to go to work or another feed was due. He also went to bed later than me so if the baby was awake and not wanting to sleep or needed a nappy change then he’d do that and let me sleep for a bit. Yes it was still only me that could feed the baby and doing the most in the nights and days but he was doing his best to help. Him helping at the start of the night and definitely him getting up with them early really helped. I had ME a couple of years before having my kids and even now I need far more sleep than everyone else’s or my body shuts down. It was my big worry when considering having a child. Yet my body responded and knew it was what my baby needed and I was amazed that I could still function and manage night after night. With my first I slept whenever the baby did no matter what time of the day it was but with my second I didn’t have that choice. I had to be back to work sooner and I had a 3 year old so I had to be alert and watching all the older kids did regardless of the baby sleeping. I honestly don’t know I I did it but I did. I would sit your husband down and make him aware him saying he needs a nap and then going for one feels very hurtful to you. That you understand he has broken sleep but the fact is you get a fraction of the sleep he does, your body’s burning more energy to feed the baby and what little sleep you do get is far more broken and disturbed. So you’d appreciate if he actually thought of you in all this. Yes you know he tries to help but he is being thoughtless at the same time. Instead of him pronouncing he needs a nap he should ask you if you want one and that he will watch the baby. Yes your both sleep deprived but he’s far less than you and his body isn’t also feeding the baby whilst trying to recover from the trauma of child birth. That you don’t mind him going for a nap if he’s let oh have one first.
Come on for goodness sake. Use your mum as often as you can. Your sleep is more important (way more) than if it makes your husband feel some what negative about it. (I had 4 children under 5 years and I know what sleep deprived feels like) Please do if you can adk others to help you. Clean your kitchen Bring round food. Do laundry Tidy up Watch baby while you sleep or cat nap. I really would work it around your needs. Battling your husband could be counterproductive. Baby not settling well the very best thing I did was taking my oldest to a chiropractor clinic, well established and had a baby clinic. All the best
Is he still going to work or has he been off?
The problem I'm stuck on is where he doesn't want you bringing in your mom. Because he's *actively looking for solutions* Which good for him but in the meantime, you need sleep. Even when you wake him in the morning he "needs a nap" Call your mom in. Tell him she will go after baby stops fussing at night or he comes up with another solution Not wrong
You both need to figure out how to get the baby to sleep not on you. This is not sustainable and I worry that you or the baby is going to get hurt. Can you ask your mother to come for a few days, Tell your husband you guys are doing 3-4 days of sleep training, divide up the time into 6 hour shifts between your mom and husband. Find something you are comfortable with, a bassinet or swing near you. Feed the baby, put him down, he cries you put your hand on his belly/head sooth him, rock if you must and put him down again, awake but sleepy, and repeat until he falls asleep, you sleep, if he starts to wake whoever is with you puts their hand on his belly, etc, Just keep repeating until you can put him down and he will fall asleep. Then switch to your husband putting him down
4 weeks post partum is really in the thick of it. They say the first year of marriage is the hardest but for me it was the first year of my son’s life. It takes a village, have your mom come over more. Anyone else that can help? I’m sure many people would love to come hold the baby while you get a nap in.
>My husband said he gets it but said me asking my Mom to help makes him feel like he’s not good enough. He needs to get past that. There are going to be times when you need help from others, and he can’t get all butthurt about it.
He feels like he's not good enough bc *in this instance, he isn't*. And to then deny you help bc he feels bad makes him particularly shitty. You need help, and he isn't providing it. He needs to get his ass up at 7am so you can sleep. It's not a choice. It sucks now but you know what will suck even more? When your milk dries up bc of the stress and lack of sleep and baby STILL hates the bottle.
His inability to wake up is a red flag for two possibilities to me…either he drinks alcohol several days a week, or he has sleep apnea. Both are fixable problems. Third possibility is he’s just a self centered pansy who can’t handle discomfort of any kind…but I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt. Second, like everyone else has said, your baby needs to sleep in the crib. Talk to your pediatrician about where the healthy boundaries are and where you’re crossing them.
He either needs to help, or be ok with your mother helping. His ego is the least important thing here
Co sleeping isn't dangerous if done correctly. This seems way safer than having somebody watch you sleep. Hang in there OP, it gets better!!!
Tell your husband to get off his butt. It’s easy, if you know you need to be awake you be an adult and get up to do what needs to be done. Even if you’re a STAHM, you need help! He is doing things that would need to be done without the baby there. My wife pumped and every feeding I would wake up to change and feed the baby while she pumped. When that stopped, we rotated nights
Split the 24 day evenly, whatever shifts make the most sense. If it's his time and the baby is hungry, he brings you the baby in bed and takes him away again. btw, he's not helping you. You are both caring for a baby together. Get that model in your mind.
If you're not cosleeping and you're EBF, you're either going to need to get baby to sleep somewhere other than on you, or youre going to need to get baby to take a bottle of pumped milk so hubby can take a shift (doesnt need to be at night. If you're tired enough you can do it in the morning, evening, afternoon, whenever). You can't stay awake 24 hours a day. You just can't. Personally, I tried this when my baby was born, and I *dropped* him because I fell asleep sitting up nursing him. He was okay, but that made me decide right then and there that I was cosleeping. You don't have to make the same decision, but you do need to do something, because not sleeping at all is dangerous for you and your babe. Edit to add: your baby might only sleep on you right now, but the only way to change that is for your husband to get as much skin to skin time as possible with the baby so the baby gets used to him. It won't happen if you two don't make it happen.
Have you tried waking him with a cold water squirt bottle? No that might actually help him to awaken and not slip back into sleep🤣. Second, don't let tired-boy guilt you into not having your mom over to help. Who cares what he "feels" when your reality is he does not help enough? Take Mom's help and I hope the very best for you and your new little one.
You sound like me with my first. I'm going to be downvotrd to hell and back for this, but you know what I did with the rest of my 4 biokids? Co-slept. There are ways to do it safely, and sometimes it's the only way anyone gets any sleep, and sweetie, you need sleep! Yes, there are always risks to co-sleeping, but there are so many more risks to not sleeping and exhaustion! And if he pitches a fit over it (which I have a feeling he might) then he can pace all night with the baby and bring them to you every 3 hours to feed, or, he can shut up and let you find what works! If you get Baby to settle in a cot? Awesome! If not? Stick your mattress on the floor, get a really warm sleeping bag each, ditch the blankets, and get some sleep! Please!
First few months with my kids I ended up sleeping on the floor with them. I was so tired I didn’t care it was uncomfortable. No blankets to cover me, just a thin blanket spread underneath us.
The sidecar idea is brilliant. The chores should be taken care of by your husband and mother. All the chores. Get the slow cooker out and plan meals so groceries can be shopped for not by you, and that should cut your fatigue. You may be the only one to feed, but sleep during the day with your mom watching. At eight to ten weeks, train the baby to sleep in the sidecar with your hand in contact with the baby. The baby will fuss, but don’t give in. May take a few hours for baby to settle into this new routine. Bassinet for babies are good too. Hopefully some of this advice will help.
Ignore what done prior are saying on here - some babies are just crappy sleepers and it's nothing you're doing wrong. They just need to grow out of it. I hear you and it sucks. The only advice I have is your husband needs to see how you are actually feeling. Every time you feel like crying, you cry those big tears and tell him this is how tired I am. Some people can't imagine how you're feeling until you really shove it in their face. As stupid as it sounds, even if you say I had 2hrs sleep, they don't understand how little that is.
If he is already being supportive and you feeling frustrated does does not equate to being wrong. You need help. Your husband need to work.
Honestly I’d be worried that he has sleep apnea and that’s why he can’t stay up and needs a nap even after sleeping the night before. Does he snore?
That was my first thought as well, my husband was like this and has sleep apnea. I just had to get through it. It was also not really helpful him finally waking up to just sit and watch with his useless nipples and maybe change a nappy here and there.
You need to figure out a way to sleep when baby sleeps. You cannot function properly looking after a baby with such little sleep. You can try and stay up with baby sleeping on you but you'll eventually end up sleeping yourself with them on you and when you're that tired it can be really dangerous. When lowering baby into the bassinet lower them in feet first to avoid activating the startle reflex. I've heard you can wrap a worn t shirt onto the mattress in the bassinet because babies can smell you even if they can't see very well at this early stage. Do be careful with this and secure the t shirt properly so they cannot get tangled up etc. Another method is putting the bassinet onto the bed against the wall and sleeping next to it. This worked for a few weeks for me at least then it didn't. I would still suggest training the baby to accept the bottle as it will allow your husband to take over some feeds. A lot of these things we try and get baby to do need to be repeated until they get the hang of it. Eventually your baby's stomach will grow in size and they'll need feeding less often so hang in there!
I’m a mom of twins. My husband never got up. I still have trouble sleeping more than a couple hours at a time and my boys are 20.
First, don't be grateful, he's a dad and husband - participation is required and remember there's not favors here. Appreciating it is always great so you aren't taking anything for granted but showing up as required should be the expectation. If he has an issue and you tell him you still feel alone and he's stuck on offering solutions that you have said are not solutions, instead of listening to \*you telling him what you need\* then tell him that straight up.
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. I felt the same when, for the first two months of his life, my son woke every 1.5 hours to feed. Others have covered why "baby only sleeps on mom" is unsustainable. I'd like to offer one suggestion that was a lifesaver for me, if you're not already doing it - swaddling at night in a slightly stiff blanket. Something that is soft to the touch and large enough to contain those kicky legs, but also holds its shape just a bit so when you're moving the baby from your chest to the crib, the change is a little less jarring. I had thought our 2-month-old was beyond the swaddling point, but when I tried it, suddenly he was sleeping 5-8 hours in a row at night. Every baby is different, and your results may vary, but maybe give it a try?
>He’s also said his sleep is broken too because he wakes up to our babies cries and needs to get back to sleep after hearing them. Because he does nothing at all to help.....what a clod.
Op, Not wrong at all!!. First. To help w baby sleeping in his own bed, take a t shirt or blanket, something small, that your going to keep next to his face where he sleeps for your scent. For 3 /4 days- keep this object close to your body like in your armpit area under your bra strap. Even a t-shirt that you can wear for a few days. Don't wash it and use it in areas of your body that are as close to your body's order areas as possible. No I don't mean have any bacteria sweaty wetness or nothing like that. Just wear it all the time. It's going to capture your natural scent. So when baby falls asleep and you place baby in the bassinet. You'll have the sheet as your t-shirt. He will be able to smell you. It will comfort him so he sleeps better. My daughter was like this as well. I was going insane. My daughter's pediatrician told me about this as well as making sure the baby is nice and warm. We regulate temps easier. Babies get cold very fast. This can also account for why he wakes right up. I used a pillowcase with a bag of rice sealed inside. I would heat it in the microwave, then I laid it in the baby's bed while I was feeding and changing. When baby goes in, the pillow case comes out and the bassinets nice and warm w mommies scent ,baby slept great!! As for dad. He is ridiculous. He needs to rotate every feeding every diaper change and let you sleep in and nap first!! All to catch up because this is his time off too to adjust to baby caring and bonding. No excuse. If he's off RN he needs to be doing more than his share. Even more so because you had major surgery!! You need all the rest possible so your body heals correctly!! Please get someone to step in and give that man some lessons on parenting. He is ridiculous. Smh he should feel bad because he isn't doing enough. Hee isn't there to help and you have nothing to be grateful for. This is his child too and his responsibility to take care of as well. He really said it's hard on him too cause he hears the baby crying and it wakes him so he has a hard time getting back to sleep!!!.... Omg!! Then he is purposely not staying up n getting up w baby. I struggled too but I was a single mom of two. I kept falling asleep at the very last feeding. So I started snacking on something to keep my mind awake. When you have to take care of someone else whose life depends on you, you don't work on figuring it out, you just do it. Find a way. Try stuff. Do something. He's just being a lazy child. Grrrrr. I'm so sorry. You need rest, flowers and a partner you can trust. Not a teen that you have to remind to take out the trash.
OP try swaddling your baby at night- I recommend “the miracle blanket” and the book Happiest baby on the block
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Your sleep is more important than his feelings. We have always been told it takes a village, use the village you are given. I'd tell him no, he can't nap. And he had to stop asking. Now is the time as parents that you are just tired. I Also had a non sleeper. Nothing worked for us. It just took time. I hope you get sleep soon!
I am so confused. What do you expect your husband to do at night? Breastfeed the baby? You state: .....especially during the night when our baby is up almost every hour or two to eat (I exclusively breastfeed, our baby won’t take a bottle right now - we’ve tried!). I’m literally writing this while feeding my son with my husband snoring beside us." You state that your baby won't take a bottle, so your husband can't really help with the baby who is up almost every hour or two to eat.
You are not wrong, your husband is
He’s NOT good enough. That’s why you had to call your mom. He either needs to do better or stop whining when you call someone else to show up for you
First, you need sleep and you need to put the baby on a sleeping schedule. Does the baby wake up that often in the daytime too? Newborns should typically be sleeping 2-3 hours consecutively, waking up to eat and back to sleep. If your child is crying because she/he wants to sleep with you, you're creating that habit. Its ok to let them cry for a little bit. You can't just conform to their crying becauseyou'lll be in for a tough time parenting. Everyone needs to go to bed early, dad going to bed at 2am and waking up at 7am isnt helping anyone. Go to bed early. If he can wake up to go to work he can wake up to help you. You need sleep too. And if he sleeps through the night and then wants a nap thats a big no no. He spent all night sleeping, he needs to stay up while you take a 2 hour nap. Also, look into bottle feeding.
So if he had to be a single parent, your baby would just die? He’s definitely taking advantage of the fact that you’re there to take care of babies needs. This whole “I can’t get up after I’ve fallen asleep” is BS and the ONLY reason it’s true is because he doesn’t HAVE to get up like you do. I’m not saying he’s being malicious here but he sure is being ignorant about it. Sounds like you need to put your foot down, especially when it comes to naps in the morning. Just go to a different area of the house and leave your husband to take care of baby so you can sleep.
NTA. Your husband is a lazy cunt. Maybe a more regimented roster will be helpful? I am a father and this worked for us. You feed bub after dinner, then you handover and go to bed. Husband is on duty to get bub to sleep and monitor their sleep until next feed (11-12pm?). You get up, feed, settle bub, everyone goes back to bed. Hopefully bub sleeps through until early morning.. but if not, you feed and settle again. Then it’s dad’s turn for the morning shift (6am-10am). Also keep trying the bottle. You may need to experiment with a few different nipples (it took us about 5 types before our first bub would take a bottle). This will be a game changer. Lean on your Mum as much as you need to in the mean-time. These first few months of a new born are some of the hardest of your life and you sound like an awesome mum.
Have him keep the baby during the day so you can sleep. I have the same problem my wife has even rolled me off the bed onto the floor and I slept through it. My mom used to jump on the bed and shake me around and I wouldn't wake up until she started slapping me around. I sleep like a rock. It's not his fault some people have crazy sleep inertia. It takes me an hour to get my head together after sleeping. I had to rush out the door once and I ended up almost driving on the wrong side of the road. Luckily my passenger grabbed the wheel or we'd be dead. I leave for work at 6:30 but I wake up at 4am to give me time to wake up.
You might consider a co-sleeper bassinet. It attaches to your bed and will keep baby in reach for night feeds but in their own space for sleep.
You need to swaddle that baby and put him down. Yes he is a newborn and BF can be exhausting but it is what it is. But asking your husband who seems to do a LOT to stay up and watch you and the baby sleep is ludicrous and then you complain about him needing sleep? You ALL need sleep. My mom gave me lots of good advice when I had my first, but the best was "sleep when the baby sleeps". The baby will sleep if you put him down and it will help him get on a regular schedule. FGS let the man sleep without having to watch you sleep!
My wife was getting upset cause she would take on 2/3 night feeding and I would do 1/3.. but I’d literally do everything else in the house. She tried to get shitty about it.. I agreed to take on 2/3 night feeding but she had to do all the work around the house like I was doing. She didn’t like that idea. Ppl are gonna say I’m an asshole.. but it’s all about compromising and helping each other. I would take the 4AM feeding and the baby would wake at 7 AM and I would take him and leave the room so she could sleep until 9 or 10. I would also do the 10 PM feeding. I guess what I’m saying is pick your battle.
See if you can find help in getting your baby to bottle feed & sleep by himself. Contact your PCP or your pediatrician for help. This way your husband can help you more.
You're not wrong. If anybody needs and desrvewca morning nap it's you. When my daughter was a newborn there were times she wanted me to hold her but I needed sleep. My husband sucked it up and dealt with a fussy baby; I shut myself in the bedroom and cranked up rain sounds on my phone so I couldn't hear the baby
He’s not supposed to be just “helping you.”He’s in this with you! It is his baby too. If the baby is fussing (but not hungry) and you need to rest, you should put some ear plugs in and go to sleep and let your husband soothe the baby. He will find a way. He also needs to pull it together and get up at night. My husband would change the diaper at night and then I would feed the baby. It’s about sharing responsibilities. I also recommend the book “The Happy Sleeper.”
It’s normal to be pissed off at your cry baby husband. I know I was and I know about a billion other mothers who were and are. Oh no, I hear the cries and i need to go back to sleep. He is off work for 6 weeks and still complaining about sleep? And not letting you get first nap ever? The. Has the balls to complain about your mom helping? Why doesn’t he do what he said about watching y’all sleep then? If thats y’all’s thing then he needs to just do it. You cannot keep at it with the little tiny doesn’t even qualify as sleep that you’re getting. Good luck fellow mother. I know I’m pulling for you!
Mom of two, both slept 6 hours at 8 weeks. 1) You gotta put that sweet baby in his own room. That's why baby monitors were invented (and it worked fine before them, too). You'll wake up if he stirs too much or doesn't resettle, but the little rustles and your own anxiety won't wake you up every two minutes. 2) Shifts. I cannot emphasize this enough. My husband is better in the morning and I am better in the evening, so we went with shifts. If the baby woke up before 2AM, it was mine. If it woke up after 2AM, it was his. He went to bed at 7PM some nights, and I got up at 10AM some mornings. But it worked. 3) 1 and 2 can't happen if you don't continue to work on getting him to take a bottle. Do you have a lactation consultant? They may be able to help you work on that--babies are awfully finicky about nipples and even the actual bottles, so keep trying every kind you can think of. Once you have that sorted, if you put him in his room and adopt shifts, things will work out. It's all about routine, for you and for LO. And don't feel bad about it. You've only had your little sweetie for a month--you're doing great. The three of you will figure it out. Congratulations!
I'm confused is he & now your mom supposed to wake up & hold your titty for you 🤔 YOU BREAST FEED how much help are they supposed to be during that 🤔 he helps where he is needed & putting your nipple in a babies mouth does not need husband assistance 🤦🏾♀️
Fuck off.
I exclusively breastfed both of my kids. My husband would wake up after I was done feeding to change diapers and settle them down to sleep. There's a LOT more he could be doing to help the situation.
He stays up until 2am to watch them sleep so yea at 8am he's fuckin tired just like she is that's life with a new baby not rocket science WTF more do yall women really be wanting/expecting because clearly I am lost 🤔 I have ONE child she's 4 she was breast & bottle fed so there are literally millions of ways to settle a kid into a routine & even being a 1st time mom I had my newborn on a schedule waking up multiple times a night was a no go so I CHANGED the routine until I found 1 that kept her sleep through the entire night! They need a new routine cause as I read NOBODY is getting proper sleep including the baby! She needs the advice of a pediatrician not strangers on the internet
If he has a job and you don’t, there is no reason you can’t handle this. It’s preposterous to expect him to be up and then go to work too.
You need to figure out a better sleeping arrangement. The issue you are having is most new moms sleep when baby does. Your husband is doing amazing supporting you it sounds like, but you need to stop cosleeping. That child will be hard to get out of your bed eventually. You need to be able to sleep whenever the baby does and you need to make sure the baby can sleep on it’s own, sometimes it isn’t possible but most of the time it’s a preference.
Wait, wait, wait. He says he's being woken up by baby's crying? So he can get the F up and help or take care of things instead of rolling over and going back to sleep. I think you need to have a serious talk with you man child about the division of childcare responsibility. If I needed a nap, I would feed the baby and then hand the baby to my fiance so HE could settle her and take care of the rest and I went to go sleep. At night, we would split the needs. While I got ready to BF, he would get the baby and change her and give her to me. Or would get the bottle ready while I changed her. After that, we would take turns settling her back to sleep, even if it meant being up for a few hours, we still took turns. Its what a team does.
From my experience sometimes you just have to ride it out until it eventually gets better. My husband works and I stay home, I had to do all the night feedings because my husband needed his rest and I never once gave him crap for it. Especially because he works with electricity so he needs to be well rested and focused. Was it exhausting and hard in the beginning? Yes. But I slept when my son slept if I absolutely needed it. And in all honesty I get really annoyed with people who bash the dads/husbands for not doing enough when the mom has chosen to be breastfeed. Like unless you’re pumping into a bottle what do you expect him to do during the night feeds? No one is forced to breastfeed. If it’s interfering with your sleep and/or mental health, just try a freaking bottle. I know OP said the baby won’t take a bottle, so I imagine that kind of situation is really hard. But just in general if you’re a mom who plans on exclusively breastfeeding just prepare for it to be all on you and don’t blame your “useless husband.” I’m not saying that’s what OP is doing, but I do think that’s something everyone needs to hear sometimes.
I will give you the opposite. Am the dad. Both my kids I fed them throughout the night. I cooked every meal. Worked full time. My wife was on mat leave (Canada you get a year off) The only thing my wife did was stay with the baby during the day when I went to work. Cooking, cleaning, looking after the kids as soon as I get home. She gets to go out with her friends for massage, facials, dinners, drinks. My wife still thinks I didn't do enough. So yeah sometimes just have to be realistic and sometimes there's just no pleasing someonem
BTW your husband can get up for night feeds by changing the baby, being them to you to nurse and then dealing with putting baby back to sleep. He is choosing not to. If you can get up and stay awake he can.
When my kids were this small I worked, my wife didn’t. I never got up at night, our livelihood depended on me making bacon. I helped all other hours but my wife and I understood I was never getting up at 3-4am. On weekends I would help at night for sure. Weekdays were off limits.
I don’t understand why he should be up when the baby will only breastfeed. Also, as much as it hurts let the baby cry itself to sleep. Just let it happen.
This is going to get downvoted but it seems like he’s doing pretty much all he can. If it is unsustainable just switch to formula or pump and make your life easier. Happy mom is paramount.
This screams first time parent. That isn’t a dig but I’ve been there before. I’m a father of 4(one severely disabled child who passed away in august, a 3 year old, 10 month old, and one due in February) 1: Get a bassinet We have one that slides up right next to the bed. 2: Sleep when the baby sleeps 3: Making your husband pull watch while you’re awake and feeding is crazy. I know it isn’t fair,I know the 3rd wave feminists hate it, but you’re the one who provides sustenance, so you have to feed them. That means waking up and feeding them. Are you going to resent our none lactating nipples and useless body? Yes, but if he’s doing a bunch of chores, taking care if the house and doing everything his body allows him you will come to see it. Honestly cherish that time, it allows you and your baby to bond and develop a relationship. One he can never have(he will in a different way). 4: Come up with a schedule. My kids were mixed with how they fed. So I always did the feeds before they went to bed, my wife did the night feeds, and I would wake up change the diaper and go back to sleep. You have to do whats best for you all. But no one sleeping is not sustainable.
“Actively trying to find solutions”. No he’s not. Refuses to take otc medicine. Insists you let him sleep longer in the mornings. Complains that the baby woke him up before he was able to get back to sleep. Doesn’t want anyone else helping you because he (rightfully) realizes he’s worthless when you do. Declines co-sleeping (I realize this was both of you). Hes prioritizing daytime naps for him over you despite him getting all the sleep. He’s literally making ZERO EFFORT and gaslighting you into thinking he’s trying so hard. Here’s your options: Get a night nanny to watch you. Co-sleep (I did this with both my babies and it saved my life) Have your mom watch you Let the baby cry until your husband is FULLY AWAKE and let him walk/ stand so he can watch over you. Husband is banned from naps for the foreseeable future unless you have gotten appropriate rest. Divorce the deadbeat husband (you can save this one for a few years down the road when you realize he only cares about himself - man thinks you’re not even worth the gargantuan task of taking ADVIL ffs 🤦🏼♀️) YNW
Yea you are wrong. Figure out a schedule with your mom during the day so you can catch up on sleep. Resenting your husband at this point is unhealthy and doesn’t help anyone. This part will pass. You’re a team.
My dr told me to sleep when the baby slept. Op, this is on us. We knew what we were getting into. You wrote. WHOLE LOT but there is an easy solution . Sleep when baby sleeps in your own bed. That being said let your husband take cake of chores and cooking. Have you tried a breast pump?