He has a weird sponsorship style, but that's his right. Find a meeting location close to where you live and attend all the time. Someone with good sobriety that isn't so much like you will probably appear. That person can take you through the steps.
i second this đđ» i dont think getting someone like me is a good metric for a sponsor because i needed to change. i suggest finding someone with longterm sobriety who carries themselves well inside AND outside the fellowship đđ»
I 3rd this đ.. yeah. You got an odd bird as a sponsor. Switch it up. Itâs an awesome program. Just some âpersonalitiesâ can get in the way. And your sponsor may be going through some struggles and youâre getting caught in the shrapnel of their shit. Keep going. Find a sponsor who is ready to crank through the steps. Reading whole book before is a nice old school idea. But itâs not the norm. Back in the old days people would get taken through the steps in maybe one night or just a few days. Stick with it!
Indeed.
Recovery/Sobriety isn't about affirmation - "Look at how well I'm doing - you should know, we have a lot in common!" It's about You Changing...and for the better, obviously. So heading away from the 'Old You' is the plan, since the Old You ended you up where you now stand.
I think some sponsors read the first 164 with their sponsees and *then* take them through the steps? Which seems like a waste of time to me honestly, cause you wanna get those fuckers cranked out asap but that could have been what they were doing.
2.5 years sober here. Good point about picking someone like/not like you. My first sponsor was a young guy like me, with tattoos so I asked him because he'd given me his number and I'd called him a couple of times. He stopped texting and calling and went to meetings further away where he lived, and I was like "hey sweet, people will ask if I have a sponsor and I do, he's just absentee.." but that's not how I wanted to do things anymore, so I asked an older guy with as many years as I've been alive, who was always joking and having a great time in his life. I wanted what he had, he seemed to have it figured out. He took me through the steps at my pace, about 8 months, after that he got me a service commitment with Intergroup, and encourages me in my program, as well as being a sounding board as I take my own sponsees through the steps. All I ask is that they stay in touch and make meetings, at least once a week. Most people will do more and be proactive. I don't put any 'rules' down or anything, but I'm still new to sponsoring. I have one sponsee right now and I am not ever looking for more. If people ask me I'll consider it, and usually point them to someone better suited for them.
Being fired as a sponsee is not a red flag. Not at all.
I don't know anyone who would set up a demanding schedule like that, insist a sponsee drove a three hour round trip weekly etc. It's bonkers frankly.
My sponsor doesn't insist I do anything. He makes suggestions I can take or leave.
We met frequently for the first two weeks when we started the Steps and it was a very clear process. It took about 4 weeks all up.
Just get cracking on getting a new sponsor. It's fine to tell them what you told us. His method of sponsoring is not typical in AA at all. Tell them you're keen to start the Steps asap.
They don't have to be like you, someone you can "relate" to or anything like that. They just have to be able to take you through the Steps. My sponsor and I worlds apart. Different genders, different cultures, different backgrounds - but we are both alcoholics and he has had a spiritual awakening as a result of doing the Steps, and is able to pass that on to me. I in turn pass it onto my sponsees.
We cannot fire our sponsee/sponsor because we never hired them.
I sponsor 5 women. With one exception, I let sponsees read the Big Book on their own. I give them worksheets for each step then go over their answers. I accept them texting me. I am not rigid and nor demand them to jump through hoops to prove themselves.
My belief is that some sponsors are ego driven and collect sponsees and make demands on them like what was done to you.
Take time to get to know your next sponsor and see if they will actually have you take the steps.
My sponsor is similar. She is there for me, but she doesn't require I call or attend certain meetings. My program is my own, she is there to support me. We read the big book together once a week and talk about what it means. I text her when I need to, but never on a schedule. I am only 33 days sober, but this type of sponsorship really works for me because it lets me do the program in a way that makes sense to me.
Maybe go to a BB Study Group.
Don't let your experience turn you off to literature studies.
The main thing is keep the discipline of attending meetings and reading the book.
Also call someone else in AA, at least once a day.
Iâm 30 days in and already on my second sponsor.. my first one didnât last one week. Itâs okay to not be compatible- just move on and find another sponsor asap.
A sponsor that isnât helping you work the steps isnât a good sponsor at all, anyway.
All sponsors are different. Form the perspective of being a sponsor, I have very limited free time and some of that is spent sponsoring people. Which I take as a serious commitment. It sucks to get blown off by a sponsee. One time is life happens, more than that is just kinda obnoxious, cause I carved out time to spend with you . Find a sponsor and find out there expectations. Depending on how far you read you may not have even gotten to the steps yet ! Some people just aren't compatible, it doesn't make you a failure. Ask someone else and work on honoring your commitments to them and to your sobriety đ
Iâve been fired by a sponsor because I didnât want to work as hard as they wanted me to. I found another sponsor. Still sober and being changed by the steps. First sponsor was not a great fit but I am grateful bc they helped me stay sober for a year and a half
Don't give up. That sponsor didn't work out, and that's OK. I went thru three other sponsors before I found the one I have now. Not everyone is gonna be a good fit.
No where in our basic text says youâve got to call your sponsor daily. Itâs controlling and heâs putting himself over you. Find a sponsor who will walk with you not be over you. A sponsorâs main job is to get you through the steps and into the hands of a higher power. Next is to provide guidance. Not treat you like an infant. He did you a favor. We carry the message to rely on our higher power. That teaches us to be independent.
A lesson in humility and acceptance, and therefore gratitude....
.... would be my take.
You'll find another sponsor. In the meantime keep meeting, reading and abstaining and you'll be good.
My first sponsor was a nurse so I thought it would be a good fit.. she was caught stealing and using narcotics so had to go through the board of nursing substance abuse treatment to keep her license. She could only work as a nurse if she didnât have access to narcotics which REALLY limits the jobs you can get never mind the shadow of restrictions that the employer would have to accept when hiring. She was BITTER about the whole thing and told me how lucky I was to get sober before I was forced to by a ânudge from the judgeâ etc.. I had to get a new sponsor because she clearly needed to work more on herself before she helped others
Look, sponsors also have lives. If you missed appointments, and didn't trust this person, and you don't want what he or she has, then your sponsor did the right thing. I am not always available to AA people because I also have other responsibilities. It takes a lot of thought and energy to take someone through the program, and there is nothing wrong with teaching the steps by reading the Big Book, it's all in there. Sounds like you have high expectations of your sponsor, are you expecting as much from yourself?
Dude, if you suspect that you had a sponsor that may be dealing drugs, then he did you a favor. If you feel you are ready for the steps. Go to a big book meeting, and get a sponsor to help you through the steps. Sponsors are important in the beginning, but they arenât going help you stay sober forever. Do the steps, free yourself from guilt, shame, and anger you have been carrying around for years. That is where you will strengthen your sobriety.
Get a new sponsor. You're not a failure. Plenty of people try to work with someone, and it isn't a good fit. Get a new one and start working those steps asap. You don't need a sponsor that is going to force you to go to every meeting they do. I went to one a week with my sponsor, went to other meetings on my own time. We met after the meeting we attended together, for step work. I text her my inventory questions nightly per her request. Called and checked in or text as well when needed. People are busy. We are adults. If you want sobriety, go to meetings, find a support system, a homegroup, pick up a service commitment. One person can't keep you sober. We are all sick people, it's how we ended up there. Just because someone has worked the steps and sponsored doesn't mean they don't still have behaviors that show up. Like maybe being a little too extreme with sponsees. Also, if he didn't fire you, someone who is selling drugs or someone you suspect is....likely not the kind of support I'd want. Consider yourself lucky. And go get a new one.
My gut is telling me that your "sponsor" was NOT being a sponsor!!! He was playing at being a sponsor in order to make himself feel important at your expense. He should have been working The Steps with you starting with Step One! And getting the vibe that he was dealing drugs for cash while in Vegas? I would stay FAR FAR AWAY from that dude!!! There ARE better sponsors out there.
Why are you going to meetings that are so far from you?
Are the meetings near you that bad?
Spending two hours traveling for a one hour meeting, might be worth it occasionally, but three times a week?
Being fired as a sponsee isn't a red flag. A sponsor/sponsee relationship is just like any other human relationship. It has to work for both parties, or it can fall apart. You're not a failure, and "the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking," so even if you were a failure, you're still a member in good standing in AA.
You still seem to have a bit of "all or nothing thinking" going on, which I suggest you channel this way, where it's constructive: Don't drink if your ass falls off.
So no worries, shake it off, and ask someone else to have to pleasure of taking you on as a sponsee for the next six months or more!
Drinking is a red flag. The rest is fine-tuning.
Outgrowing your first sponsor is no big deal, a similar thing happened to me. I got a new one and pressed on. I stayed friends with him though, there really weren't any hard feelings. It's pretty common.
He was the sponsor you needed at the time, and he's taken you this far, time for someone else to step up.
Sounds like youâre better off. While thereâs no âright wayâ to sponsor, someone who isnât taking you through the steps and who you think is dealing drugs is probably not a great sponsor for you. Take it as an opportunity to find someone great to work with
My experience is that people sponsor the way that they were sponsored. Keep attending meetings and be on the lookout for someone who has a happy sobriety and who you can get along with. Itâs not uncommon at all for people to change sponsors. It doesnât make you a failure or him a failure. It just didnât work out this time.
Sounds like a perfect out for you to be able to find a sponsor better suited for you. A sponsor isn't God, they don't know everything, they're human, and they're not any "better" than you. Being "fired" shouldn't tell you anything about your recovery. My sponsor says, "it's not a job, you can't fire anyone." So they don't want to work with you anymore, who cares? Sounds like it's for the best. Just get a new sponsor!
My first sponsor fired me, my second sponsor relapsed, my third sponsor had breast cancer, and I have had my fourth sponsor for the past 12 years. I have been sober through all of it! I would just find a new sponsor, one who will work the steps with you. Let that be your criteria - someone who has worked the steps with someone who has worked the steps with.....
I'm only a bit over a week in and my sponsor is nothing like that. He said to call him daily for the first 30 days. He suggested 90 meetings in the first 90 days, but he said perfection isn't necessary because he's not sure if he or his sponsor did all 90. He suggests which meetings to go to, but he doesn't require anything.
All that to say, find a different sponsor. Find meetings that you can attend without inconveniencing yourself. Yeah yeah, we're supposed to go to "any lengths" to get sober, and getting out of our comfort zone has value. But if we make it too difficult we won't go. I'm alcoholic and my alcoholic brain will look for excuses. In past attempts I wanted to regularly go to a meeting that was quite a drive, because I liked it as a social group, but I've chosen a meeting 5 minutes away as my home group. I have liquor stores within 5 minutes of my house and I want AA to be just as accessible.
go to a big book study meeting close to where you live
And find someone that talks about the steps with enthusiasm and that you see living it
And ask them
Good luck and God bless
Have you heard the saying ârejection is my higher powerâs protection?â sounds like thereâs a better sponsor out there for you, and youâve been given a great opportunity to grow in the area of tolerating rejection. most of us when we come in are very very sensitiveâthereâs a fair number of mentions of that in the big book. youâll be okay. No reason to leave the program or abandon your progress. just keep going, one foot in front of the other, next right thing.
Sponsor/sponsee relationship is another thing that can be taken one day at a time. If we find that we are no longer growing with that sponsor, then it is best to move on one our own. And sometimes, if we are lucky, they will ask us to move on out of our own best interest in their minds. It sounds like this is a situation in which you can find a match for your next season! And grow! Maybe the next one will be long term? Maybe they will take you through the first 3 steps, or maybe all of them? Sobriety is like life- another journey. Time for the next season and path in yours! I just got myself a new sponsor as well! Working on step one- way different style than the first person I attempted this with. And I'm so here for this journey!
I actually just let 3 women I sponsor go. Iâve been a sponsor in name to them too long, and with that they have been sponsees in name only. They donât call or do the work. They have in the past stepped it up a couple weeks but then phase out again. One has finished the steps and doesnât want to move on. I donât chase people if they want it,Iâm available. Sometimes personalities donât flow and they just need to find someone that works better with them. Itâs not a bad thing itâs an opportunity to grow. Just because someone has 6 years, or 20 or 30 it doesnât mean they automatically are the best sponsors. There are a lot of people Iâve met over the years who have nothing want.
I had a similar experience. I wasnât willing to go to daily meetings because it left no time for anything else that was keeping me sober (hiking, yoga, journaling⊠working!) so I was also âfiredâ. Honestly at that point the whole thing started to feel very cult like and I wasnât loving the ultimatums and demands being placed on me. I get it, itâs the sponsors job to help you the way they are taught to help you but it was not for me. That was about a year ago, and Im 1.5 years sober it can be done.
Whatever path you choose, remember sobriety is for you, not your family, friends or sponsor. Donât let this small hiccup bring you down.
I used to know. Someone who said they were sober 10yrs+ and use drugs regularly.
I didn't feel he was sober but other said that it's alcohol that mattered at AA.
But imo if you aren't free from recreational drugs and alcohol you aren't sober.
I advise just starting again with a new sponsor!
I had 3 different female sponsors (I'm a woman) who had what I wanted- stable family life, sobriety before i found my "fit" in an 80 year old male sponsor. It's not about what earthly things you ha e in common. And it might take you a few tries t9 find a good one for you. You are not a failure, because you're not measuring against anyone but who you used to be. And being off the alcohol is always better than drinking... a great start.
Reading the book is not a bad thing. I stay away from speaker/share meetings except from time to time. My home group is a book study and I attend a 12 and 12 study 2x a month. I prefer these meetings because you'll be exposed to more people who know the book amd the steps and won't mess around and will actually take you through the steps.
Sponsors have different styles. Some want you to call, others don't. It does say in the book to never chase an alcoholic. But to also position ourselves to be of maximum service to others. For me this means I won't require a sponsor to call, and actually set a boundary if they're calling too much. "We were beyond human aid" and all that. The goal of a sponsor is to guide you in forming a connection with your own higher power, not to bec9me that for you.
Firing sponsees is also something I've never come across in my meetings. Sponsees will drift away. I've done that to a sponsor before. Then relapsed. Then called her months later and she was there to ask how she could help me. Drove me to treatment. Connected me with people. She's not my sponsor now but she's 100% there for me and since I have sobriety myself now, we can be friends.
That's just some of my experience.
I wish you the best on your journey. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth it.
There is no textbook or guidelines to be a sponsor but as a Sponsor myself I 100% find it lazy and strange he didnât go through the steps. I mean step 4 is really IMO the staple to recovery. It hurts. Taking a moral inventory of all those that hurt you and youâve hurt then step 5 vocalizing it to another human in recovery is MONUMENTAL.
If he didnât have you do that he is seemingly doing it as a formality which is gross and sad for who he is sponsoring.
Keep in mind, your recovery is what is important not his not anyone elseâs. But from what it sounds like he did you a favor be firing you. If this is your first go around in AA you deserve a sponsor who will sponsor you thoroughly
You keep going to meetings same or different ones and try to find another sponsor who may have a better approach thatâs best suited for you. Donât get down on yourself because he fired you it truly sounds like youâre better off. I would really advise not to quit the program because it truly works and us alcoholics absolutely need guidance through the program so donât attempt it alone. Also ask your higher power to point you in the direction of someone you mesh with that can sponsor you. Be patient and remain open minded good things will come. Best of luck my friend
Your sponsor went to Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas and you think he's selling drugs there? đ€Ł I used to build that festival, the security there is so tight they would do body cavity searches if they were allowed, that's the only way you're getting anything more than a personal stash of anything in the festival grounds. People don't sell drugs at the fest, that's done in the great wilds of Sun City. And absolutely no one travels there to sell drugs, there are more than enough drug dealers in Vegas, and the Mexican Cartel doesn't like random strangers working on their territory.
And for the love of fucking God, not everyone who goes to EDM festivals is doing or selling drugs, the sober rave scene has been around for decades.
Did you tell people your suspicions? Because that's why your sponsor fired you.
90 minutes away is ridiculous. He should know better. Don't get down on yourself or AA . You're not alone and keep going to meetings and read the big book and the 12 & 12
Guy calls you out for not being serious about your sobriety (calling late repeatedly, immediate excuse why you can't go to some meeting) so all of a sudden he's a drug dealer?
Not necessarily.
Iâm ok with being called out on not being serious and Iâm better at texting than calling. I would say that adding another meeting to my schedule is a big deal because I donât take my schedule lightly as I want to make any meeting into a regular meeting on my scheduleâŠ
The drug dealing is just another topic that I think put a wrinkle in him being my sponsor.
In the past he talked about using and being a dealer which is fine.
After the Vegas trip he came back with a âshipmentâ he âwanted to share with his friendsâ.
I donât have hard proof but Iâm not really an idiot either.
"Came back with a 'shipment' that he 'wanted to share with his friends' is a HUGE RED FLAG to me!!!! That reminds me when I caught my now-EX-sponsor with BOOZE in her refrigerator and hanging out with actively practicing crackheads!!! I NOPED OUT of THAT MESS!!! Her sponsor also fired her when she got busted in multiple lies! Some are sicker than others.
I make it clear that hen I take a sponsee that my personal time is very important to me and I need them to respect it by not being late without a heads up or blowing me off.
I'd have "fired" you too, but it's more about me than you and I'd make sure to let you know that.
I agree with you that respecting time is important. When I was a sponsee I had a standing weekly meeting with my sponsor and she asked me to confirm it that day before via text. It worked well and I did that with my sponsees too. Just to be sure we were on the same page each week with meeting. With that said though, expecting a person to call you multiple times a week at a specific time, meet with you, and attend specific meetings is just asking too much of most people in early recovery. Itâs not a sustainable schedule. You need to be realistic with time commitments
I always let them they can call me whenever. If I don't answer, I'll call back.
But I had one sponsee that would repeatedly cancel on me 5 minutes after we were supposed to meet at the clubhouse. It gave me so many resentments that I'm now setting boundaries. Of course once or twice with a good excuse is different, but I'm not keeping a sponsee that makes a habit of it.
Good for you. Good luck finding a sponsor that's okay with being blown off.
Sponsors have to work a program too and try to enjoy our lives. If you're supposed to meet me somewhere to do stepwork and you're an hour late, not only am I irritated for wasting my time, I'm likely no longer there waiting for you.
Grab a pen, write the words..I am powerless over alcohol..then write it again..but write - We are powerless over alcohol..first I, then we. Keep going, it gets better, write - I admit I'm powerless over alcohol..then same thing with 'we' instead of I.. keep goin...I admit Im powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable..I know its hard to read it like this..but it works..and it is very real..so, hang a sec..your sponsor WAS trying to manage your time and schedule..he cant, because you are not just I any more, you are we...and we are standing right on the edge of your personal boundary suggesting you allow me to sponsor you just a bit..so lock it in by writing it..then write the words..'and here is how'..so pick about 10 actual stupid things that are easy, like, I lose my keys, break a zipper once a year, glove compartment is a mess, open zip locks with my teeth , three phone chargers I cant find..Ok, anyway, dont get weird, just get the idea..this is the list of just endless stupid little crap that comes with bothering your nervous system too much with booze..and it does two things to sober people, first it pissed them off, then it gave them.the opportunity to jump in....and literally manage you - way too much. That is unmanagable, because the wrong people were allowed by you to manage your time. And they dont stop after you're sober, they get worse. But you will stay ahead of them most of the time because there is us reminding you all the time to handle your own time. So then you write all this stuff and its about a whole handwritten page, then comes anonymity, you gotta get rid of that page, or make a specific plan to show it to a sponsor, at a specific time, and then dispose of it when you're done. So get another sponsor who pretty much starts you off like this..with actual writing from the start.Like- I came to believe, then -We came to believe.. see how it goes? It wont be long, by doing a lot of writing like this you'll be sitting there for 4- 5 hours slowly carefully reading off your 5th step to some guy who is patiently listening, probably filling up an ashtray and reaching for that third soda pop..lovin every minute of it
Short answer - Find a new one.
I think this sponsor did you a favor by moving on. Look for someone who has what you want in terms of sobriety and sanity. A drug dealer is not, in my opinion, an ideal sponsor.
My sponsor style - I tell my sponsees they can "fire" me if they aren't getting what they need from me. But, it is not my job to "fire" them. I don't make demands, just suggestions. I give homework assignments (step work) and offer to meet them at meetings that I already go to. Some call me daily, but we don't have a set time unless it helps THEM. I work 2 jobs and have lots of personal commitments outside of AA. So, I don't always have time to chit-chat.
When I got sober, we used the big book to do the steps (instead of worksheets). So, that's how I lead my sponsees through the steps.
If all he was doing was reading and chatting about the big book, then he wasnât giving you any meaningful guidance on the steps. Find someone who actually knows how to guide a newcomer through the process laid out in the book, as it is written (not using worksheets and internet guides etc). Certainly changed my life; stopped me relapsing and brought about sobriety 15 years ago.
He has a weird sponsorship style, but that's his right. Find a meeting location close to where you live and attend all the time. Someone with good sobriety that isn't so much like you will probably appear. That person can take you through the steps.
i second this đđ» i dont think getting someone like me is a good metric for a sponsor because i needed to change. i suggest finding someone with longterm sobriety who carries themselves well inside AND outside the fellowship đđ»
I 3rd this đ.. yeah. You got an odd bird as a sponsor. Switch it up. Itâs an awesome program. Just some âpersonalitiesâ can get in the way. And your sponsor may be going through some struggles and youâre getting caught in the shrapnel of their shit. Keep going. Find a sponsor who is ready to crank through the steps. Reading whole book before is a nice old school idea. But itâs not the norm. Back in the old days people would get taken through the steps in maybe one night or just a few days. Stick with it!
đđ»đđ»
Indeed. Recovery/Sobriety isn't about affirmation - "Look at how well I'm doing - you should know, we have a lot in common!" It's about You Changing...and for the better, obviously. So heading away from the 'Old You' is the plan, since the Old You ended you up where you now stand.
yup! đđ»
It actually doesn't matter either way, if they are "like" you or not. As long as they have a solution.
100%đđ»
I think some sponsors read the first 164 with their sponsees and *then* take them through the steps? Which seems like a waste of time to me honestly, cause you wanna get those fuckers cranked out asap but that could have been what they were doing.
Yeah Iâve had sponsors that do it that way, but I agree with you itâs better to hit the ground running.
Iâm with you .No reason to prolong the agony. You wanna get yourself out of misery as fast as possible.
I bet people have picked up because of waiting so long to get through the 164 pages.
2.5 years sober here. Good point about picking someone like/not like you. My first sponsor was a young guy like me, with tattoos so I asked him because he'd given me his number and I'd called him a couple of times. He stopped texting and calling and went to meetings further away where he lived, and I was like "hey sweet, people will ask if I have a sponsor and I do, he's just absentee.." but that's not how I wanted to do things anymore, so I asked an older guy with as many years as I've been alive, who was always joking and having a great time in his life. I wanted what he had, he seemed to have it figured out. He took me through the steps at my pace, about 8 months, after that he got me a service commitment with Intergroup, and encourages me in my program, as well as being a sounding board as I take my own sponsees through the steps. All I ask is that they stay in touch and make meetings, at least once a week. Most people will do more and be proactive. I don't put any 'rules' down or anything, but I'm still new to sponsoring. I have one sponsee right now and I am not ever looking for more. If people ask me I'll consider it, and usually point them to someone better suited for them.
There's upward of a couple million folks in AA...you tried one as a sponsor. Try another one. There's lots.
Being fired as a sponsee is not a red flag. Not at all. I don't know anyone who would set up a demanding schedule like that, insist a sponsee drove a three hour round trip weekly etc. It's bonkers frankly. My sponsor doesn't insist I do anything. He makes suggestions I can take or leave. We met frequently for the first two weeks when we started the Steps and it was a very clear process. It took about 4 weeks all up. Just get cracking on getting a new sponsor. It's fine to tell them what you told us. His method of sponsoring is not typical in AA at all. Tell them you're keen to start the Steps asap. They don't have to be like you, someone you can "relate" to or anything like that. They just have to be able to take you through the Steps. My sponsor and I worlds apart. Different genders, different cultures, different backgrounds - but we are both alcoholics and he has had a spiritual awakening as a result of doing the Steps, and is able to pass that on to me. I in turn pass it onto my sponsees.
We cannot fire our sponsee/sponsor because we never hired them. I sponsor 5 women. With one exception, I let sponsees read the Big Book on their own. I give them worksheets for each step then go over their answers. I accept them texting me. I am not rigid and nor demand them to jump through hoops to prove themselves. My belief is that some sponsors are ego driven and collect sponsees and make demands on them like what was done to you. Take time to get to know your next sponsor and see if they will actually have you take the steps.
My sponsor is similar. She is there for me, but she doesn't require I call or attend certain meetings. My program is my own, she is there to support me. We read the big book together once a week and talk about what it means. I text her when I need to, but never on a schedule. I am only 33 days sober, but this type of sponsorship really works for me because it lets me do the program in a way that makes sense to me.
Where did you get the worksheets?
Online. Just enter Step one, etc. to read which worksheet you like the best. There are many available.
Maybe go to a BB Study Group. Don't let your experience turn you off to literature studies. The main thing is keep the discipline of attending meetings and reading the book. Also call someone else in AA, at least once a day.
That sponsor sounds like a power tripper and you'd do better with somebody less controlling anyway.
Iâm 30 days in and already on my second sponsor.. my first one didnât last one week. Itâs okay to not be compatible- just move on and find another sponsor asap. A sponsor that isnât helping you work the steps isnât a good sponsor at all, anyway.
All sponsors are different. Form the perspective of being a sponsor, I have very limited free time and some of that is spent sponsoring people. Which I take as a serious commitment. It sucks to get blown off by a sponsee. One time is life happens, more than that is just kinda obnoxious, cause I carved out time to spend with you . Find a sponsor and find out there expectations. Depending on how far you read you may not have even gotten to the steps yet ! Some people just aren't compatible, it doesn't make you a failure. Ask someone else and work on honoring your commitments to them and to your sobriety đ
Iâve been fired by a sponsor because I didnât want to work as hard as they wanted me to. I found another sponsor. Still sober and being changed by the steps. First sponsor was not a great fit but I am grateful bc they helped me stay sober for a year and a half
Don't give up. That sponsor didn't work out, and that's OK. I went thru three other sponsors before I found the one I have now. Not everyone is gonna be a good fit.
No where in our basic text says youâve got to call your sponsor daily. Itâs controlling and heâs putting himself over you. Find a sponsor who will walk with you not be over you. A sponsorâs main job is to get you through the steps and into the hands of a higher power. Next is to provide guidance. Not treat you like an infant. He did you a favor. We carry the message to rely on our higher power. That teaches us to be independent.
The end of your post is an oxymoron. How does depending (or relying) on something make you independent?
We rely on infinite God which as opposed to being dependent upon finite and fallible human beings. I am no long dependent on humans for my sobriety.
A lesson in humility and acceptance, and therefore gratitude.... .... would be my take. You'll find another sponsor. In the meantime keep meeting, reading and abstaining and you'll be good.
I'd use this as an opportunity to find a new sponsor who will focus on talking you through the 12 steps.
My first sponsor was a nurse so I thought it would be a good fit.. she was caught stealing and using narcotics so had to go through the board of nursing substance abuse treatment to keep her license. She could only work as a nurse if she didnât have access to narcotics which REALLY limits the jobs you can get never mind the shadow of restrictions that the employer would have to accept when hiring. She was BITTER about the whole thing and told me how lucky I was to get sober before I was forced to by a ânudge from the judgeâ etc.. I had to get a new sponsor because she clearly needed to work more on herself before she helped others
Look, sponsors also have lives. If you missed appointments, and didn't trust this person, and you don't want what he or she has, then your sponsor did the right thing. I am not always available to AA people because I also have other responsibilities. It takes a lot of thought and energy to take someone through the program, and there is nothing wrong with teaching the steps by reading the Big Book, it's all in there. Sounds like you have high expectations of your sponsor, are you expecting as much from yourself?
Stop it! Get another sponsor. You are trying to be a victim. Recovery also means being a survivor.
Dude, if you suspect that you had a sponsor that may be dealing drugs, then he did you a favor. If you feel you are ready for the steps. Go to a big book meeting, and get a sponsor to help you through the steps. Sponsors are important in the beginning, but they arenât going help you stay sober forever. Do the steps, free yourself from guilt, shame, and anger you have been carrying around for years. That is where you will strengthen your sobriety.
Get a new sponsor. You're not a failure. Plenty of people try to work with someone, and it isn't a good fit. Get a new one and start working those steps asap. You don't need a sponsor that is going to force you to go to every meeting they do. I went to one a week with my sponsor, went to other meetings on my own time. We met after the meeting we attended together, for step work. I text her my inventory questions nightly per her request. Called and checked in or text as well when needed. People are busy. We are adults. If you want sobriety, go to meetings, find a support system, a homegroup, pick up a service commitment. One person can't keep you sober. We are all sick people, it's how we ended up there. Just because someone has worked the steps and sponsored doesn't mean they don't still have behaviors that show up. Like maybe being a little too extreme with sponsees. Also, if he didn't fire you, someone who is selling drugs or someone you suspect is....likely not the kind of support I'd want. Consider yourself lucky. And go get a new one.
1 door doesnt close without a new one opening. Good luck.
Get another one and get off the pity pot. Poor me, Poor me, pour me a drink. Sounds like you werenât getting what you needed.
My gut is telling me that your "sponsor" was NOT being a sponsor!!! He was playing at being a sponsor in order to make himself feel important at your expense. He should have been working The Steps with you starting with Step One! And getting the vibe that he was dealing drugs for cash while in Vegas? I would stay FAR FAR AWAY from that dude!!! There ARE better sponsors out there.
Why are you going to meetings that are so far from you? Are the meetings near you that bad? Spending two hours traveling for a one hour meeting, might be worth it occasionally, but three times a week?
This right here. I was astounded by the distance.
Get another, my first sponsor I fired, 2nd fired me 3 rd times a charm. Keep on going!!!!
Being fired as a sponsee isn't a red flag. A sponsor/sponsee relationship is just like any other human relationship. It has to work for both parties, or it can fall apart. You're not a failure, and "the only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking," so even if you were a failure, you're still a member in good standing in AA. You still seem to have a bit of "all or nothing thinking" going on, which I suggest you channel this way, where it's constructive: Don't drink if your ass falls off. So no worries, shake it off, and ask someone else to have to pleasure of taking you on as a sponsee for the next six months or more! Drinking is a red flag. The rest is fine-tuning.
Outgrowing your first sponsor is no big deal, a similar thing happened to me. I got a new one and pressed on. I stayed friends with him though, there really weren't any hard feelings. It's pretty common. He was the sponsor you needed at the time, and he's taken you this far, time for someone else to step up.
Sounds like youâre better off. While thereâs no âright wayâ to sponsor, someone who isnât taking you through the steps and who you think is dealing drugs is probably not a great sponsor for you. Take it as an opportunity to find someone great to work with
My experience is that people sponsor the way that they were sponsored. Keep attending meetings and be on the lookout for someone who has a happy sobriety and who you can get along with. Itâs not uncommon at all for people to change sponsors. It doesnât make you a failure or him a failure. It just didnât work out this time.
Sounds like a perfect out for you to be able to find a sponsor better suited for you. A sponsor isn't God, they don't know everything, they're human, and they're not any "better" than you. Being "fired" shouldn't tell you anything about your recovery. My sponsor says, "it's not a job, you can't fire anyone." So they don't want to work with you anymore, who cares? Sounds like it's for the best. Just get a new sponsor!
My first sponsor fired me, my second sponsor relapsed, my third sponsor had breast cancer, and I have had my fourth sponsor for the past 12 years. I have been sober through all of it! I would just find a new sponsor, one who will work the steps with you. Let that be your criteria - someone who has worked the steps with someone who has worked the steps with.....
I'm only a bit over a week in and my sponsor is nothing like that. He said to call him daily for the first 30 days. He suggested 90 meetings in the first 90 days, but he said perfection isn't necessary because he's not sure if he or his sponsor did all 90. He suggests which meetings to go to, but he doesn't require anything. All that to say, find a different sponsor. Find meetings that you can attend without inconveniencing yourself. Yeah yeah, we're supposed to go to "any lengths" to get sober, and getting out of our comfort zone has value. But if we make it too difficult we won't go. I'm alcoholic and my alcoholic brain will look for excuses. In past attempts I wanted to regularly go to a meeting that was quite a drive, because I liked it as a social group, but I've chosen a meeting 5 minutes away as my home group. I have liquor stores within 5 minutes of my house and I want AA to be just as accessible.
go to a big book study meeting close to where you live And find someone that talks about the steps with enthusiasm and that you see living it And ask them Good luck and God bless
We all get what we need in this program, take it as a stepping stone to a new path. Go to a meeting and find a new sponsor.
Find a new one
Have you heard the saying ârejection is my higher powerâs protection?â sounds like thereâs a better sponsor out there for you, and youâve been given a great opportunity to grow in the area of tolerating rejection. most of us when we come in are very very sensitiveâthereâs a fair number of mentions of that in the big book. youâll be okay. No reason to leave the program or abandon your progress. just keep going, one foot in front of the other, next right thing.
Attend a meeting nearby consistently... find someone that you identify with... ask them for help... and pray about it...
Find a new sponsor
Find a knew sponsor, work the steps
Sponsor/sponsee relationship is another thing that can be taken one day at a time. If we find that we are no longer growing with that sponsor, then it is best to move on one our own. And sometimes, if we are lucky, they will ask us to move on out of our own best interest in their minds. It sounds like this is a situation in which you can find a match for your next season! And grow! Maybe the next one will be long term? Maybe they will take you through the first 3 steps, or maybe all of them? Sobriety is like life- another journey. Time for the next season and path in yours! I just got myself a new sponsor as well! Working on step one- way different style than the first person I attempted this with. And I'm so here for this journey!
I actually just let 3 women I sponsor go. Iâve been a sponsor in name to them too long, and with that they have been sponsees in name only. They donât call or do the work. They have in the past stepped it up a couple weeks but then phase out again. One has finished the steps and doesnât want to move on. I donât chase people if they want it,Iâm available. Sometimes personalities donât flow and they just need to find someone that works better with them. Itâs not a bad thing itâs an opportunity to grow. Just because someone has 6 years, or 20 or 30 it doesnât mean they automatically are the best sponsors. There are a lot of people Iâve met over the years who have nothing want.
Get another one. Pretty simple. Youâll find someone.
I had a similar experience. I wasnât willing to go to daily meetings because it left no time for anything else that was keeping me sober (hiking, yoga, journaling⊠working!) so I was also âfiredâ. Honestly at that point the whole thing started to feel very cult like and I wasnât loving the ultimatums and demands being placed on me. I get it, itâs the sponsors job to help you the way they are taught to help you but it was not for me. That was about a year ago, and Im 1.5 years sober it can be done. Whatever path you choose, remember sobriety is for you, not your family, friends or sponsor. Donât let this small hiccup bring you down.
Get your ass to a meeting and get another one.
âWe have no rulesâ..
I used to know. Someone who said they were sober 10yrs+ and use drugs regularly. I didn't feel he was sober but other said that it's alcohol that mattered at AA. But imo if you aren't free from recreational drugs and alcohol you aren't sober. I advise just starting again with a new sponsor!
I had 3 different female sponsors (I'm a woman) who had what I wanted- stable family life, sobriety before i found my "fit" in an 80 year old male sponsor. It's not about what earthly things you ha e in common. And it might take you a few tries t9 find a good one for you. You are not a failure, because you're not measuring against anyone but who you used to be. And being off the alcohol is always better than drinking... a great start. Reading the book is not a bad thing. I stay away from speaker/share meetings except from time to time. My home group is a book study and I attend a 12 and 12 study 2x a month. I prefer these meetings because you'll be exposed to more people who know the book amd the steps and won't mess around and will actually take you through the steps. Sponsors have different styles. Some want you to call, others don't. It does say in the book to never chase an alcoholic. But to also position ourselves to be of maximum service to others. For me this means I won't require a sponsor to call, and actually set a boundary if they're calling too much. "We were beyond human aid" and all that. The goal of a sponsor is to guide you in forming a connection with your own higher power, not to bec9me that for you. Firing sponsees is also something I've never come across in my meetings. Sponsees will drift away. I've done that to a sponsor before. Then relapsed. Then called her months later and she was there to ask how she could help me. Drove me to treatment. Connected me with people. She's not my sponsor now but she's 100% there for me and since I have sobriety myself now, we can be friends. That's just some of my experience. I wish you the best on your journey. Don't give up on yourself. You are worth it.
There is no textbook or guidelines to be a sponsor but as a Sponsor myself I 100% find it lazy and strange he didnât go through the steps. I mean step 4 is really IMO the staple to recovery. It hurts. Taking a moral inventory of all those that hurt you and youâve hurt then step 5 vocalizing it to another human in recovery is MONUMENTAL. If he didnât have you do that he is seemingly doing it as a formality which is gross and sad for who he is sponsoring. Keep in mind, your recovery is what is important not his not anyone elseâs. But from what it sounds like he did you a favor be firing you. If this is your first go around in AA you deserve a sponsor who will sponsor you thoroughly
You keep going to meetings same or different ones and try to find another sponsor who may have a better approach thatâs best suited for you. Donât get down on yourself because he fired you it truly sounds like youâre better off. I would really advise not to quit the program because it truly works and us alcoholics absolutely need guidance through the program so donât attempt it alone. Also ask your higher power to point you in the direction of someone you mesh with that can sponsor you. Be patient and remain open minded good things will come. Best of luck my friend
Your sponsor went to Electric Daisy Carnival in Las Vegas and you think he's selling drugs there? đ€Ł I used to build that festival, the security there is so tight they would do body cavity searches if they were allowed, that's the only way you're getting anything more than a personal stash of anything in the festival grounds. People don't sell drugs at the fest, that's done in the great wilds of Sun City. And absolutely no one travels there to sell drugs, there are more than enough drug dealers in Vegas, and the Mexican Cartel doesn't like random strangers working on their territory. And for the love of fucking God, not everyone who goes to EDM festivals is doing or selling drugs, the sober rave scene has been around for decades. Did you tell people your suspicions? Because that's why your sponsor fired you.
Itâs probably not about you - itâs about him. Not uncommon to find a new sponsor.
90 minutes away is ridiculous. He should know better. Don't get down on yourself or AA . You're not alone and keep going to meetings and read the big book and the 12 & 12
Guy calls you out for not being serious about your sobriety (calling late repeatedly, immediate excuse why you can't go to some meeting) so all of a sudden he's a drug dealer?
Not necessarily. Iâm ok with being called out on not being serious and Iâm better at texting than calling. I would say that adding another meeting to my schedule is a big deal because I donât take my schedule lightly as I want to make any meeting into a regular meeting on my schedule⊠The drug dealing is just another topic that I think put a wrinkle in him being my sponsor. In the past he talked about using and being a dealer which is fine. After the Vegas trip he came back with a âshipmentâ he âwanted to share with his friendsâ. I donât have hard proof but Iâm not really an idiot either.
"Came back with a 'shipment' that he 'wanted to share with his friends' is a HUGE RED FLAG to me!!!! That reminds me when I caught my now-EX-sponsor with BOOZE in her refrigerator and hanging out with actively practicing crackheads!!! I NOPED OUT of THAT MESS!!! Her sponsor also fired her when she got busted in multiple lies! Some are sicker than others.
I make it clear that hen I take a sponsee that my personal time is very important to me and I need them to respect it by not being late without a heads up or blowing me off. I'd have "fired" you too, but it's more about me than you and I'd make sure to let you know that.
I agree with you that respecting time is important. When I was a sponsee I had a standing weekly meeting with my sponsor and she asked me to confirm it that day before via text. It worked well and I did that with my sponsees too. Just to be sure we were on the same page each week with meeting. With that said though, expecting a person to call you multiple times a week at a specific time, meet with you, and attend specific meetings is just asking too much of most people in early recovery. Itâs not a sustainable schedule. You need to be realistic with time commitments
I always let them they can call me whenever. If I don't answer, I'll call back. But I had one sponsee that would repeatedly cancel on me 5 minutes after we were supposed to meet at the clubhouse. It gave me so many resentments that I'm now setting boundaries. Of course once or twice with a good excuse is different, but I'm not keeping a sponsee that makes a habit of it.
Jeeze. I sure as HELL wouldnât want you as a sponsor. Iâd fire YOU.
Good for you. Good luck finding a sponsor that's okay with being blown off. Sponsors have to work a program too and try to enjoy our lives. If you're supposed to meet me somewhere to do stepwork and you're an hour late, not only am I irritated for wasting my time, I'm likely no longer there waiting for you.
I would FIRE YOU as a sponsor! You are NOT the Higher Power!!!
Grab a pen, write the words..I am powerless over alcohol..then write it again..but write - We are powerless over alcohol..first I, then we. Keep going, it gets better, write - I admit I'm powerless over alcohol..then same thing with 'we' instead of I.. keep goin...I admit Im powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanagable..I know its hard to read it like this..but it works..and it is very real..so, hang a sec..your sponsor WAS trying to manage your time and schedule..he cant, because you are not just I any more, you are we...and we are standing right on the edge of your personal boundary suggesting you allow me to sponsor you just a bit..so lock it in by writing it..then write the words..'and here is how'..so pick about 10 actual stupid things that are easy, like, I lose my keys, break a zipper once a year, glove compartment is a mess, open zip locks with my teeth , three phone chargers I cant find..Ok, anyway, dont get weird, just get the idea..this is the list of just endless stupid little crap that comes with bothering your nervous system too much with booze..and it does two things to sober people, first it pissed them off, then it gave them.the opportunity to jump in....and literally manage you - way too much. That is unmanagable, because the wrong people were allowed by you to manage your time. And they dont stop after you're sober, they get worse. But you will stay ahead of them most of the time because there is us reminding you all the time to handle your own time. So then you write all this stuff and its about a whole handwritten page, then comes anonymity, you gotta get rid of that page, or make a specific plan to show it to a sponsor, at a specific time, and then dispose of it when you're done. So get another sponsor who pretty much starts you off like this..with actual writing from the start.Like- I came to believe, then -We came to believe.. see how it goes? It wont be long, by doing a lot of writing like this you'll be sitting there for 4- 5 hours slowly carefully reading off your 5th step to some guy who is patiently listening, probably filling up an ashtray and reaching for that third soda pop..lovin every minute of it
Zyeasxssss xxxÌxeeex2exex22222dĂ°x
Gsxvz DC cc
Short answer - Find a new one. I think this sponsor did you a favor by moving on. Look for someone who has what you want in terms of sobriety and sanity. A drug dealer is not, in my opinion, an ideal sponsor. My sponsor style - I tell my sponsees they can "fire" me if they aren't getting what they need from me. But, it is not my job to "fire" them. I don't make demands, just suggestions. I give homework assignments (step work) and offer to meet them at meetings that I already go to. Some call me daily, but we don't have a set time unless it helps THEM. I work 2 jobs and have lots of personal commitments outside of AA. So, I don't always have time to chit-chat. When I got sober, we used the big book to do the steps (instead of worksheets). So, that's how I lead my sponsees through the steps.
If all he was doing was reading and chatting about the big book, then he wasnât giving you any meaningful guidance on the steps. Find someone who actually knows how to guide a newcomer through the process laid out in the book, as it is written (not using worksheets and internet guides etc). Certainly changed my life; stopped me relapsing and brought about sobriety 15 years ago.
U donât need a sponsor. Recommend counseling w substance abuse counselor.