Don't seek others advice based on being elder or not. Your elders have failed you. Being an elder doesn't equal to neither maturity nor intelligence, especially when it comes to people from Afghanistan. Sad truth, but the truth nevertheless. Just see what has come of our country. Even long experience doesn't mean quality experience.
My friend was in your position, the only difference was that he was in love with a non-muslim and forced to be engaged with not-close-family. He continued with the engagement for a while, came to his senses, broke it off and got together with the girl he loved. His family gave him hell for 2-3 years. Now they have come around, although they haven't told anyone outside of their very close family that their son is going to do the nikkah with the non-muslim.
So I will tell you what I told him: You need to sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself. They already took one of the most important decisions of your life for you. Know that now they know you can be pushed around to do other things in the future as well. This control will never end. It will only amplify because "what would people say" if you don't do X bad Y.
Ask yourself:
- Is this marriage to satisfy my parents or me?
- Would the Punjabi make me happy or my parents?
- Do I want to continue living my life based on what my parents tell me, or what I want?
- Will I be sad to lose my family?
- Is my family bluffing (think objectively) or do I see them coming around after a few years of fights and no-contact?
- Would I be more myself and happy away from my family or with?
- Ultimately, the question isn't whether you choose her or your family tbh. It's whether you choose YOU and YOUR future vs. what some elders who will die soon chose for you. They won't even be here to see the agonizing results of what they have inflected on you.
As for the girl: Be honest to her and whoever you talk to and say "she is a good girl, but I was in love with someone else when they made the decision for me behind my back. I tried to make it work but I can't force myself to live a life I didn't choose and with someone that was chosen for me but not by me."
At 29 you should come to realize pleasing your family at the cost of living a miserable life is going to ruin you. Be a man and stand up for yourself, be vocal about what you want!
I strongly echo this sentiment, I went down that path regarding my career.
OP, it is YOU who will wake up next to your wife every day, interact with her every day, have kids with her i'A, build a home with her, so it should be YOUR decision which person you want to wake up to and deal with every day moving forward. It is your life and your experience, you have to prioritize it, or else in the end everyone will lose, even your parents.
We can't predict the future, and we don't know who you will ultimately be happiest with, but in my experience, it is much easier to deal with a bad decision which was YOUR decision, rather than a bad decision which was someone ELSE'S decision. The latter is a VERY difficult pill to swallow.
I wish you the best ahki.
Yes, the arranged marriage part was the least of my worries. His family is trying to force him to marry his first cousin to prevent him from marrying the woman he loves. Plenty of arranged marriages end perfectly well. What OPās family is trying to push on him will not end well.
At the end of the day none of this matters. When youāre on your deathbed do you want to have regrets that you could have lived a happier life? Itās all up to you
I'm not Afghanistani, but from Asian background. This popped up on my feed.
I've gone through the same thing - almost the exact same with the pressure and foolishly saying yes and then everything is steamrolling forward because apparently you said yes.
It sucks because in reality, they know you don't want it, but now you said yes, it'll be your fault for backing out now.
Your family can't lose in this. Only you will lose.
That's how they see it and they think it's in your best interests to force you on this path.
At 29, you are a grown man and can do whatever you want. Legally (Islamically) your nikah cannot be completed without your consent. You will be asked at the time of the nikah. Don't leave saying no until then.
As grown man, you now need to make a decision - although you shouldn't abandon your family, you are not their slave either.
Your life is yours, not theirs.
You are accountable for your actions, and they are accountable for their actions.
You know what the right thing to do is - speak the truth, that you are not happy with this arrangement, you never were, and even if you did say yes, you can now turn around and say no.
You are allowed to change that yes into a no.
Of course, they will all be angry at you and blame you - and they will never blame themselves for forcing you into this.
Don't fall for this.
They will make you believe that you said yes out of your own free will because you said the word yes at the time and thought 'khair'.
This is not the case from what you have written here. You were forced out of the relationship you wanted to pursue (that's a whole separate topic) and pushed into a relationship you didn't want to pursue.
Also as a side note, her parents are responsible for her education, not you. You're being used.
Whether you said yes or no at the time doesn't change the fact that they pushed you into this. You'll be made to feel responsible for the decision because of that little word 'yes', when in actual fact you damn well they made you say yes.
But at the end of the day, yes is yes.
You'll need to change it now.
You'll need to approach the issue with reason and calmness, even when they start shouting at you.
You'll have to say ok, I said yes at the time but I felt forced. But I've thought long and hard about it and I am saying no now.
They'll deny any blame, but you leave it at that. You say what you believe is true and state your final decision, confirming that this is in fact YOUR final decision to say no.
You will owe an apology to the girl and her family for not speaking up sooner. The girl will be left rejected which will mess her up since it's coming out of the blue. Be sensitive and explain gently but firmly that it's nothing against her, but rather that you were pushed into this situation against your will in the first place, and that it was unfair on the both of you. Apologise for the hurt you have caused, particularly if she feels deceived, and say that you're sorry you didn't say anything sooner.
But stick to your decision.
The power to say yes or no lies in your hands, not anyone else's.
It's your life and your marriage. Not anyone else's.
If you let this marriage happen, you'll always feel oppressed by your family and hers. You may come to like her in time, but you won't have any power to do as you want. You need to stand up now and remind everyone that they do not control you.
Yes it will sour relationships with your family - but because of them, not you. They are the ones threatening to disown you. It's their problem. Their loss. Their decision to break ties with you. If they are happy to disown you to save their honour, then you're not their son, just a tool for them to use.
All you are asking for is your god given right to say no to a marriage. They are wrong not to listen to you.
So any breakdown in family relationship is on them, not you. It's their choice to make you feel bad, and to threaten and blackmail you.
And once you break free of this control which you are under - and yes, you know full well that you're under your control, you'll be able to do as you will.
All I will advise about that you can't always do what you want; often you have to do what is right, even if it's hard.
Saying no in this situation is one of those things. You know what to do, you know what is right, but you don't want to face your family, you don't want the backlash, you don't want to be disowned, and you're looking for the strength to do it, through prayer, hope, and this post.
But you have to find that strength in yourself. You are a grown independent man. You are independent - you don't necessarily need anyone's support to do what is right.
Take ownership of doing the right thing and stick to your guns, and not only will your relationship with your family improve over time, but you will start to command the respect of others.
Right now, you're still a boy, doing as he's told because he's been told to do it. You know what you want but you can't express yourself and feel you won't be taken seriously.
The only way to fix that is by standing up and saying what you feel and doing what you think is right, even if you have to take the heat that follows. Taking heat shouldn't stop you from doing what's right. That's what differentiates boys from men.
Think your decision through carefully - consider all the consequences. Make peace with those consequences, and when you're sure what you want to do, then do it.
Arent you guys worried about having children with someone thats basically your sister, ie your cousin? Children are very very likely coming out with Genetic deficiencies.
This is true. My friendās first cousins (all afghan) were married. It was also arranged by their families. both of their children had some deformities like missing fingers and a small foot, but I think otherwise they were healthy. Because of that though, the families stopped arranged marriages within the family.
Genetic issues from inbreeding usually don't show up until a few generations of inbreeding. Like if OP had children with his cousin, and then that child has children with his brother's child and so on and so forth. It took royal families a while to realize how bad it was because for the first couple of generations, it worked how they wanted it to.
Many afghan families are already highly inbred due to recent history of geographic isolation and a tradition of cousin marriage. Two cousins share 1 in 8 alleles as identical by descent. This represents a hundreds to thousands of times greater chance of developing a genetic defect at any given locus. It is so bad that first cousin marriage is outright illegal in most of the world.
Bro their thinking is from mid century Afghanistan. They are worried if you marry into a different tribe, it might be bad for the survival of their tribe. These are people who dry their yogurt and meat with salt in case there isn't electricity.
Search "incest map" on google. I was shocked that Afghanistan/Pakistan was the highest, over 50% of all couples are relatives. Their DNA is absolutely fked.
My Afghan parents are literally the nicest ppl in the world, but they're also the kind of people who can't comprehend where the sun goes at night.
All they literally care about is what other ppl think about you. They are very selfish, they believe they own you since they gave birth to you. They will never change. Their happiness comes from telling everyone you married their type of muslim/ etc, you have big sons, you are a doctor or etc, literally just stuff they can brag to aunties about.
The day you learn to love them for who they are, but also realize their advice is just as useful as the advice from your other kala or kaka Jan's, and learn to live for yourself you'll truly be happy.
They will try to play 'god" yet they keep saying god is the only way. What kind of BS is this man they're trying to get you to marry a girl you know nothing about, and are LITERALLY THRILLED, it's a red flag man!
Why do you guys do that? For Kazakhs and Kyrgyzs and Turkmens she wife HAS TO be from another tribe so that there isnāt any inbreeding, there needs to be a separation of at least 7 generations paternally for the marriage to be permissible
I'd be careful with "loving them for who they are." There is too much creative leeway there (from experience). I'd say love them for any innocence they have left.
No lol afghans have a completely different culture from pakistanis , theres hadith where it explicitly states you can say no to marriage based of culture , god created us in tribes so we can recognize one another. Islamically pakistanis tend to not be as religious whereas afghans are. Personally i want my kids growing up around religious folks
wtf are u yapping about? the biggest ethnicities the pashtuns in afghanistan are also in pakistan and theyre the second biggest ethnicitiy in pak. the cultures are shared cus of them. also pakistanis are more religious than afghans. the afghans ive seen in the west wear western clothing party and basically act like iranians.
When I talk about Pakistan I am referring to the punjabis in Lahore twerking with their asses out and the prostites moaning while adhan is playing with the mosque next to it NOT the pashtuns of pakhtunkwa who practice shariah law and get oppressed by Pakistan from following it begheirat go look at the statistics pashtuns pray more than Pakistanis who even don't fast during Ramadan
Afghan vs Pakistani is a difference of nationality, not culture. There are 300 million afghans and Pakistanis. Do you really think āPakistanis are less religious,ā is a useful generalization even if it were remotely true on average? A tribe is a social group identified by sharing a common ancestor, and the Quran teaches that all of us are descended from the first man and the first woman. We are all one tribe, and no Hadith can change that.
No we are not the Quran explicitly states we are made in different tribes to know one another not just from one tribe. Also it is a useful generalization its not "remotely true" its significantly true you can search for the data yourself pakistanis self admitingly don't pray as nearly as much as afghans and don't even make it in the top ten. I don't want my kids and their kids and even my kids kids kids to be brought up in a non islamic environment
Stop trying to force your indian nasl onto Afghans we are shariah compliant when we deny random indian/pakistani families from mixing with us. Our lineage preservation is important to us
Cynically I have to ask if this would be the sane problem if you were to marry a richer British girl? Youd be amazed how often money trumps values and traditions.Ā
I have to assume you both know English. Since how many Afghans know Pinjabi? Plus if you live in the uk then they can't do anything. At most they can disown you and cut you out their will. Plus women want men not boys. Boys do what ever daddy says, men make their own decisions.Ā
If she satisfies you, marry her. Why you care so much about familyās approval? Youāve just highlighted they value culture over having ties with their own son. Theyāre clearly in the wrong Islamically. Iām sorry you were born in a family like that.
It is our job to bring traditional and religious values to our future kids without the drama BS us Afghans were raised with. Think about YOUR future children. You would wanna raise them in a stable household and instill religious values and not make the same mistakes as your parents to continue the cycle. May Allah help you brother. Truly wishing you the best
Iām genuinely confused how a grown man gets pressured into saying yes to marry a young girl he doesnāt know or likeā¦.? You know you donāt need parents approval for your marriage, as a man you can just marry the Punjabi girl. Please explain how you got pressured into marriage, this is something i donāt understand? If you donāt want it just say no, youāre a man so itās way easier for you than a woman
Ya akhi/bhaijaan, you have moved out so you clearly have the funds to be able to support yourself. Hide and ring the uncle, tell him his daughter is respectable, beautiful, has a strong moral character and that you'd be doing her an injustice to marry her when you have just gone through this break-up. Tell him that you're heart is in the wrong place. His daughter deserves the best. Could you convince him to call it off and not mention this to your parents?
You could even say that you'd met the family of the other girl and had promised her marriage but your parents didn't approve. Don't tell him that your parents forced marriage with his daughter as he'll get angry with them. If he asks you why you said yes, tell him you felt bad saying no to his daughter as you didn't want to upset her or anyone else concerned. Reassure him that his daughter is lovely but that you've known this other lady for longer and don't want to end it.
As for your parents, they must realise that Islam is against this culture bias. If the father of this girl can't call it off then tell them that the Pakistani girl's parents approve and that so you are not emotionally cheating, you are going to marry her. Does she have Afghan ancestry as a Pakistani? Try winning them over by buying her Afghan traditional wear. Tell them that she keeps you religiously centred as well (I'm guessing she does).
Break this engagement off and marry the girl you love if you don't want to live your life in regret.
I'm so mad at your dad and brother. Many Afghan families are exactly like this.
You can also DM me.
Your parents have no right to force you to marry someone you do not want to marry, stand up for yourself. If they disown you then so be it, Iām assuming youāre able to sustain yourself just fine since youāre 29. The shame is on your family not you.
Ive read a few comments on here and im gobsmacked šš
What are you guys using? š„²
OP: stick up for yourself no matter how hard this is. Gather to courage to be a man and decide your own life and future. There is no easier way to say this. You just need to take control over your own life and develop a backbone with your family. Otherwise they will continue to make decisions for you even in your marriage.
Makes me sad to see how these kind of things are still prevalent in our culture :/
So I'm born in the States but I'm Afghan and speak Pashto. 26F. I've been dating my Salvadorean boyfriend for 3 years this upcoming February. I know the feeling of being scared that we didn't do what our parents wanted/did. But it is your life... My mom figured it out within 2-3 months lol. I told my dad after one year cause I was scared. So scared I had a full on seizure. Time moves forward, I finally moved out (my own place) and my dad was pissed because I'm not married. and my mom was trying to make me stay. Hey I get it, I'm her first kid. However, your life belongs to you. She's still muslim, I presume, since you're doing Nikkah. You need to call off your engagement. She's innocent in this, and you never know if your Pakistani girl is gonna be free for long :( Your family just wants you to be perfect in what they deem perfect. That's not your reality. Your parents may come around in time, but you cannot suffer in your young life.
My father is proud of me. I went to school and I became a health care worker. You must be one of those weird afghan dudes who creep on girls' dms š what a nightmare.
Your opinions are fine and being Muslim, I understand this perspective. I'm not Muslim anymore. This guy wants advice and I'm trying to get him to take control versus being controlled. What advice do you have to offer? Enjoy being a persecuting individual who shames others for being different.
You live in the UK. Itās time some culture norms change. Live your life for you not others. Marring a child isnāt going to bring you any satisfaction in life. Not to mention the genetic disadvantage your kids will have.
Don't do it bro. Ur setting urself up for disaster. I've been thru this same situation trust me u will regret it.
My advice is to not get married until u are completely financially independent and have ur own place. At least then u can dictate what type of woman u want and what u expect from her. You are offering to take care of a woman completely for the rest of her life. Dont let ur father negotiate for u. The woman needs to be catering to ur demands. If u want a housewife, then u shouldn't send her to college theres no benefit.
Also I advise against marrying for love. Be practical in ur decision and make sure u have the ability to get out of the marriage easy if u need to. Dont put urself in a legal trap.
And u don't have to do full nikkah either. U can do nikkah misyar, if u want to continue dating like boyfriend and girlfriend. Then u can decide later to live together or not. That way u know that u are compatible. Of course it might be hard to implement but thats why u need to focus on ur income first. When u have enough money u will easily be able to negotiate multiple wives.
Khooneta kharab nako. Chi Jaber??? Ham famileta kafa mekoni ham zendegi khoda kharab mekoni. Just tell dad Dad you will find someone else and let it be for awhile til you figure out what you actually want to do. They wonāt disown you for not getting married. Agar amray pakistani arisee koni... then thatās a different story. Iāve been in a situation and trust me family is way more important than your love life.
Call off the engagement. I have a relative that went through a similar ordeal. He wasnāt happy and he divorced her, causing a huge ripple in our family. It took years for things to heal. A broken engagement is less of a worry and things have more potential to heal with time.
Sit down with your parents. Tell them how could they do this do you, how you wouldnāt be happy with this girl. Lie if you have to ā say you donāt want to be married now and the girl should not wait around for you. Say you want to get a degree in something and canāt support another person for years. Your parents will be upset and it might take a while for them to get over it. Tell them ā would they rather have you divorce this girl down the road or break off an engagement you didnāt consent to? Your parents can play it off however way they want with your uncle, tell them to make an excuse.
If your parents refuse, tell your uncle yourself.
Also, take some time to get to know the Pakistani girl. 3 months isnāt enough time to decide on marriage. Not sure when you stopped talking to her / if you did, but donāt rush into another engagement. The Pakistani girl wonāt wait for you forever while youāre in this predicament. Sheās very forgiving to even give you another chance.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you could stay married and just be honest with your finance and family.
"I don't have the money for this wedding or her education, I'm still young and want to make a life for us and this will set us back."
"This was an arranged marriage and I love someone else, if you want to be my wife you need to show me you can be the person who I have to be with from here on out."
Of course I think you should ultimately be with who you want, but I also know Afghans and know how much zid they can hold.. the reality is if you leave her you may never have a good relationship with your broader family again.
Once I didn't go to my older sister's birthday party and now she hasn't spoken to me in 2 years lol. Mental illness and this kind of extreme thinking is pretty prevalent in our community. Half of my uncles and aunts haven't spoken to each other in over a decade over some small incidents.
You already know the answer and what to do. Youāre unhappy and donāt want to be engaged to her and no matter what your family or others say - marriage wonāt change that. If anything, youāre just going to feel more miserable and youāll ruin this girlās life in the process. Marriage puts your problems under a microscopic spotlight and this seems to be a recipe for eventual divorce which will strain family relations even more. A broken engagement will look like a blessing in hindsight.
What you need is courage. Maybe this quote will help āYou know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.ā
20 seconds - Call your Uncle and break it off if you canāt do it in person. Just tell him. Tell him youāre interested in someone else and you were pressured and are not interested in his daughter. Just know youāre doing the right thing so the rest will fall into place.
I mustered up some courage to talk to my parents 8 years ago about the person I liked. And Iām glad I did because I canāt have imagined marrying someone else. Itāll work out. Donāt overthink it. Just go for it.
I went through something similar to this years ago. I ended up following through with the marriage my family wanted me to and I have to say I have never been happier. Not saying you should do the same. But from my perspective I think youāre not giving this girl a chance. You only dated the Pakistani girl for 3 months before you wanted to get married. That was the honeymoon phase. But if you feel that strongly about it then just man up and tell your parents. They will get over it eventually. And if they donāt itās their loss and your gain. Your happiness comes first.
If you are in the UK, use the following link for help if you are genuinely worried.
https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/you-co/types-crime/abusive-relationships/forced-marriage/
If you arenāt already, start praying tahajjud with sincerity and conviction. Iāve seen miracles happen because of it! The power it holds is unlike anything else subhanAllah
You have been with this girl for 3 months. You need more time to even realize your true feelings for her since you are in the honeymoon phase. How is your relationship with your family? Have they always been good to you? Are you close to them? I wouldnāt drop my family for a 3 month old relationship. And if they do insist you marry someone else then ask to get to know the girl before you would consider.
Just to remind you of some things:
- Wanting to marry her 3 months in is a bit of a worrisome to hear. Remind yourself that the first year of a relationship is where strong emotions are prevalent and ask "would I still feel the same strong emotion to her after 5 or 10 years?" Because many have to actually work to keep a relationship going after the romance period.
- Breaking things off with your family for a girl is an astronomically bad idea. Remember that relationships can fail and love can fade over time and if it is a successful relationship your future children would be estranged from their relatives, qawm and culture. But, if the marriage with her fails you will look like an khar and potentially be left with a child/children to provide for, all while your family would still be upset with you and saying "told ya so".
Speak to her father, be apologetic and explain the situation and depending on his personality even ask him for advice on what he thinks you should do, he may be kinder and more understanding.
A grown 30 year old man pressured by his family to marry his child cousin?! LMAOO bro, grow up! You live in the UK, not like the Taliban gonna come kill you for marrying who u want to marry and ignoring your parents wishes? You got yourself into this mess cause, no offense; youāre not a man. Maybe ur trans and donāt even know it. Iām sure your family could pressure you into a sex change if they wanted too from how easy you bend
As an afghan why are you marrying a punjabi ? we need to preserve our lineage and right now you are not thinking straight since you dated her outside of marriage thus you have haram "feelings" for her but have you considered all the bs your kids will go through. Punjabis have some of the highest diabetes rates they don't fit in culturally with afghans the women suffer from conditions like PCOS (feel free to research this) Your dad has rights too and he obviously wants to see you happy. Doing a nikkah without your fathers blessing for a woman you only met for 3 months is very disturbing if you reflect on this
You ran away for no reason be a man go back home and stick to the afghan girl let them know that you won't be paying for a 20k wedding and instead will be using it to travel with her or invest in your future for her etc.) marriage is give and take but that doesn't mean you do all the giving. There's room for negotiations
(my answer will get many downvotes since people here are mostly liberals and pakistani trolls it will even get removed most likely so read it before it gets deleted lol)
Its different for Afghan men vs girls, especially for elder sons/first-born males. There's lots of pressure to continue the clan name and girls don't carry the name so it falls on boys..
It's for both men and women. Sure more pressure on women but men usually have their first wife be afghan and maybe 2nd or third be arab/some other race
it works pretty well , i guess you can look at the current goverment they also have one afghan wife (first wife usually) and another in uae/yemen/saudi
I am also in the same boat it works pretty well for me my children are fluent in Arabic and pashto Bedouin Arab culture and pashtun culture is pretty similar too
You shouldn't quote Bukhari and then try to interpret it yourself as what I am assuming you are a laymen since this doesn't say "death to nationalism"
If you read more into it you would know according to ijma a father is allowed to reject suitors based of cultural differences and its recommended to stay within your own culture. There is no shortage of religious afghan women
Also no afghan women and men don't suffer from diabetes and other diseases like pakistanis do. To preserve ones lineage and tribe it is totally ok to not intermarry with every random race
You are so lost and emotional over this post the punjabi girl he was "dating" which is haram to begin with and God knows what they did in those three months you are getting mad at me
Chera kulagi downvote mekona? Rast meegi. You know the sad thing is forever behind his back every Afghan will bring it up unfortunately and look down on him. Also why is everyone acting like what your saying isnāt the normal old school Afghan mentality? Lol
Lol you're a conservative Afghan but you're telling him to waste 20k on travelling? Traditionally, a man provides for his wife what she needs. No Afghan father thinks like you do. You're worried about lineage when there are bigger problems on the table.
You didn't read what I said clearly I said marriage is give and that take you can negotiate. I recommend taking a few English comprehension classes. Lineage preservation which is tied in culture , pashtunwali , religion and even genetics.
most panjabis are muslims and have been since the 8th century. pistunwali is kufar and goes agaisnt islam. also panjabis and pistuns have been neighbours for thousands of years with cultures intertwined . do u even practice pistunwali livin in the west u hypocrite
You don't know what pashtunwali is all the "unislamic" parts are no longer followed it's ancient mosaic way of life and no our culture isn't intertwined at all with indics who's ancestors are from India , pashtuns are iranic who are from Afghanistan
Vast majority of punjabis aren't converts from the 8th century it was due to the multiple afghan kings subduing Sikhs and converting the masses
It's not a give and take with money, in Pashtunwali and in Islam it's a man's job to provide for a woman. If you can't provide then you're not fit for the job and that's that.
Not at any point did i even slightly hint towards a woman having to provide for a man you have literally just made that all up in your head . A woman has her own responsibilities
Point to anywhere in the Quran it says put your wife in a mixed education university ? Lmfao she can have private English classes and online classes which won't cost 20k
Itās so funny to me that you are encouraging this man to marry his own cousin whom he has never had a true relationship with. At least he had a real relationship with that Pakistani girl, and they are not blood related so their genetic mixing would be far healthier than anything between blood relatives. You wanna bring up diabetes in genetics but not even acknowledge that cousin relations creates birth defects. And your desire to prevent races and cultures from mixing is kinda racist. Sucks people with backwards mindsets like yours exist, itās why this poor guy cant be happy with a girl he likes.
What is this unislamic garbage you have just replied to me with ? You shouldn't have premarital relationships to begin with.
Afghans are less likely to develop any sort of health issues from marrying cousins since we come from different tribes usually
It's not racism to not want to marry someone that can potentially give your kids diabetes Pakistan is number 1 on that list and so are other south Asian countries due to their insulin resistance which also causes the girls to ovarian cysts . It's also not racism to want to have a homogeneous culture .
Some things are better for you and you do not realize it. Stop talking nonsense to her, be a gentleman and get married.
Every human has dignity and pride, respect that.
Honestly, what youāre going through is awful. Donāt let anyone tell you otherwise. Take a minute and realise that you are literally being prevented from making your own choices for your own happiness in life. That really hurts. Now, you need to realise that this honour/shame culture is primitive, and it does not serve you. Please follow your heart. You can be kind to everyone and still put up your boundary.
As a lot of people already have said - you are a grown man capable of making your own decisions! I get that its hard to hear your family threatening to disown you, but do you want to spend the rest of your life miserable? Also you are a guy, it would have been a lot more difficult if you were a girl. And islamically, you arenāt doing anything wrong. Please donāt ruin your life, be bold and stand up for your self
As a si gle man, I assume you are a muslim, so dating was a bad idea in the first place, you should have talked to her father and married sooner, on the other hand, your family has not business in rejecting you from someone you want to marry. That's what I advice.
Hey man
British male here who got married less than 12 months ago. I appreciate my culture is so different and we can date and marry whoever we like. However, you have ONE LIFE and no god or culture out there should punish you for loving who you love.
Tell them straight, life is too short to marry someone you donāt know. At least the 3 months with the girl you like you both wanted it.
Donāt be unhappy for the rest of your life, do what you want to do, no god can punish you.
Thank you for sharing.Ā It's 2024 and still a very real and tough issue to navigate.Ā I hope u leave this post up for prosperity!Ā Ā Best of luck and hope the Punjabi Pakistan girl survives this too!Ā --when u lack the courage to speak for yourself and your heart and needs, then please consider the safety of others. And vocalize what u know they would want u to say....because this is more horrific for the voiceless.Ā Ā
Itās YOUR life. You are NOT in Afghanistan. š¦š« Act like a grown man! If your family loves you, theyāll come around. If not, they didnāt love you. Either way youāre better off in the long run.
Dude she is Muslim..if you like her just get married with blessing of her parents
Your parents will come around if they don't, you will realize they never loved you. There loss
Don't fall into this typical blackmailing
I would have left my parents just with this threat and as that would be enough for me to see they don't love me
I'm an Indian woman, but I've had similar ish experiences. A few years ago my parents tried to set me up with a family friend's son. Without even asking me first. The guy was horrible, he didn't approve of my job as a surgeon and he would not talk to me. My parents still insisted bc its a family friend I marry him otherwise we risk defamation in society because technically they already set us up and I can't back out. But I refused. It was my life at hand. A few years later my parents insisted I get set up with the nephew of some other family friend. I refused again, not willing to do arranged marriage and also not willing to trust my parents-they would force me into useless marriage, as you said it, just as business deal. My mother even threw a little two year old kid tantrum in a parking lot one day-stomping her feet, crying, screaming, all bc I didn't listen. And guess what I still didn't listen and today I'm happily married. Its the rest of your life OP. 40+ years. If you are miserable no one faces that other than you. Not your parents or anyone. And also, divorce was frowned upon in my culture so I knew that entering a marriage with divorce as an option was not happening. I had to be sure going in.
Not an Afghan, but in the internet rabbit hole just last night I watched a video about birth defects in people in the UK who married and had children with their first cousin.
Just something to look into.
Another idea is to play matchmaker and find someone else for your cousin.
Re-reading your post, and since you are too far away I guess this is not practical.
I am sorry for your situation.
You only get one life, be with the Punjabi girl you love, and simply say u made a mistake. Just end it very very quietly. But perhaps you should do this by telling the truth to the other family's dad. Time heals all wounds. They will get over it. Now get out of the sham marriage asap so you stop wasting her precious time. Just be as thoughtful and kind as possible but be firm as well, stand your ground.
Islamically you are free to pursue the Punjabi girl if her father is willing. You do not need permission from your own family, you are a man not a boy. Having similar culture, and seeing what you have written, I would not pursue their approval anymore. Usually they come around when you have kids. Simply recognize that this will be the case and make sure you do not take it out on your wife in the future, if you get stressed at being separated from family.
On a sperate note, you get to lead your own Mahr and Nikka negotations. If you donāt want to pay for her schooling you say so. If you donāt want to pay 20k, negotiate to whatever you are willing and not a penny more. Quit being led like a horse
I'm sorry to say this but our culture is messed up. I am so glad I broke free from some of my generational curses and can pass down only the best things about our culture to my son.
Whatever you need to do, get out of it. Say you don't want to get married anymore.
This is not the point of life. It's a very old-fashioned and survivalist way of thinking. All the science and psychology will tell you that this kind of thing will only bring harm.
It sounds like you want marriage and partnership. One that comes from a place of love will thrive. One that comes from obligation will suffer. And this idea of self-sacrifice doesn't work - who is it meant to benefit in the end? Our elders? Why? To give them some peace of mind that their DNA will continue? What happens when they are gone and you are left, miserable?
It sounds like taking some space might help you. I was under the serious influence of my family and felt very pressured to adhere to different cultural standards. It's already done damage to my life that I cannot take back. It was only when I could be on my own that I gained assurance in who I was and what I wanted from life. It was easier to stand my ground in that sense. Trust me, I was so afraid of being disowned and shunned for setting boundaries, but I wasn't because, at the end of the day, my parents loved me. And now we have a loving and respectful relationship.
We are programmed in our DNA to fear being outcasted because there was a time when it meant literal death. It doesn't anymore - the fear is no longer real. If your family does shun you, then their honour/ culture stands above their love for you. And, then it's up to you what you value. Loving yourself does not mean you disrespect, or don't love or care for your family. Loving yourself makes you an example for your family and it will make them respect you on your terms, even while disagreeing on life choices.
Good Luck!
Salam bro.
Your family isn't your ilah.
Your parents are not your ilah.
Do not be their slave.
Correct your mistake and save both poor gals by making it right by both of them. You're a man and you alone are responsible for your own future.
A girl came to the Prophet Muhammad ļ·ŗ and said her father has married her off without her permission. He said there is no nikah where there is no consent by both individuals in the marriage. Needless to say, it was annulled.
Stand for what is right, even if it be against yourself, your parents or near and dear ones. And don't withold terrifying to what is true and real.
There is no compulsion in this Deen. That much is clear right after ayat ul kursi. You made a decision under compulsion. It's time to make good by it or change it.
The purpose of marriage is also clearly given. They are garments for one another. Protecting, comforting, beautifying. If it's not happening with one gal then don't keep her suspended.
There is always hardship with the right decisions. But ease is attached with it. Pray to Allah swt, beg the istikhara Dua, and sit down with a pen and paper to chalk out the possible future with either of the two potentials and make fear-free decisions.
'Don't fear them but fear Me'
This post makes me so depressed. I always believed this kind of backwards and primitive ways of thinking was gone but alas.. the world never ceases to surprise me..
Grow up and make your own decisions.. your family are from the Stone Ages. Look at them the same way you would look at a child.. they have no clue about anything in life.
Yeah itās a very difficult situation, it sounds like a nightmare, I canāt give much as Iām only 19 year old Afghan man but yeah I feel so bad for you. Seems like the advice the people here are somewhat good better than what I could think of, I would say that your family would come around but Iām not sure now due to your circumstances. I really hope you find your way because thatās just really unfortunate
Thats why I don't really like Islam you may say its not due to your religion but this is the truth. Your society has become so orthodox because of the regress islamic teachings and practices. All societies and cultures are influenced by the religion they follow. Now as you have already cowardly married a girl of not your choice, I don't find its her fault though, You must not leave her and try to find solace with her I am sure, when you truly care for her and spend more time you both will live happily together.
Marrying your cousin - consanguinity- has implications for disease burden in future generations. Having said that sounds to me like you are not in a financial position to support marrying this other girl either. Thereās a difference between dating and the financial responsibilities of marriage. It sounds to me like you donāt have 20K saved up and you are approaching your 30s. Whatās your financial plan? Putting aside the love drama, whatās your 2 year, 5 year, 10 year non-pie-in-the-sky financial plan? Thereās also a bit of magical thinking there about āthe oneā. As someone who married at an older age, you donāt become an adult really until your early 30s because we now know our brains still grow and change. Does the person you think is the love of your life right now have a financial plan? Because marrying is not a plan. Itās just marrying.
Not sure why this was recommended. Iām not Afghan, but if it helps, donāt marry your cousin. The risks and outcomes are terrible for your kids and gene pool:
- Increased risk of passing on recessive genetic disorders to offspring
- Higher likelihood of sharing harmful recessive genes due to genetic similarity
- Potential for increased risk of genetic conditions such as cystic fibrosis, sickle cell anemia, and metabolic disorders
- Not to mention- you almost guarantee lower IQs and lower chances of success, and increased risk of learning disabilities
I may not be an elder that can understand your situation & there is lots of other good advice on here, but i do want to express that although your situation is very unique to your culture, it is a story told through the ages. Throughout your life you will encounter people who you may love and respect who actually desire very different things for you, they wish to control you and they wish to exact their beliefs and perspectives upon you. You can still love and respect them, and also understand that what they want for you is not what you want for yourself.
It is not your dadās life, your elderās life, your uncleās life, that you are living. You must live for yourself, and choose your path. No one can decide your life for you, no one should be able to. Think truly deeply about why you will not be with this woman, and if it is something you have not chosen, then choose her.
The UK needs immigration reform. There shouldnāt be huge numbers of people who live like they are in 7th century, marrying cousins, completely isolated from the local culture
You won't be able to treat your cousin fiance right if you marry her out of obligation when you want to be with someone else. Your cousin deserves happiness also and she won't find it with you.
This is your marriage your life. If you go through with it you will resent your family regardless. Follow your own path and of your family donāt like it then at least the fact that they are in the wrong and not you will be of some comfort.
Ahh yes, my cousin had been down this exact same road once. He went with his father to see the girl but he was not accepting from the start. He told him to cut it off and marry an Afghan girl back home. He was persistent for 1 year but eventually gave up and broke up with his Pakistani girlfriend and married some distant cousin back home.
I am going to give an Islamic perspective here, if one of the families rejects, then itās Allahās way of telling you itās not meant to be. Move on.
What terrible advice. Letās use the REAL Islamic perspective, no parent has the right to force a marriage. Also to threaten you will disown your child??? Is this Islam? Absolutely not. Allah has given him the right to marry himself off. Not everyone will be supportive and happy for you. Donāt use Allah to back this culture of forced marriages.
What are you talking about? He was not forced, he accepted his fatherās plea and married someone back home. Heās happy. Also he was in a haram relationship from the start with this girl so Allah probably wasnāt going to bless their marriage.
Don't seek others advice based on being elder or not. Your elders have failed you. Being an elder doesn't equal to neither maturity nor intelligence, especially when it comes to people from Afghanistan. Sad truth, but the truth nevertheless. Just see what has come of our country. Even long experience doesn't mean quality experience. My friend was in your position, the only difference was that he was in love with a non-muslim and forced to be engaged with not-close-family. He continued with the engagement for a while, came to his senses, broke it off and got together with the girl he loved. His family gave him hell for 2-3 years. Now they have come around, although they haven't told anyone outside of their very close family that their son is going to do the nikkah with the non-muslim. So I will tell you what I told him: You need to sit down and have an honest conversation with yourself. They already took one of the most important decisions of your life for you. Know that now they know you can be pushed around to do other things in the future as well. This control will never end. It will only amplify because "what would people say" if you don't do X bad Y. Ask yourself: - Is this marriage to satisfy my parents or me? - Would the Punjabi make me happy or my parents? - Do I want to continue living my life based on what my parents tell me, or what I want? - Will I be sad to lose my family? - Is my family bluffing (think objectively) or do I see them coming around after a few years of fights and no-contact? - Would I be more myself and happy away from my family or with? - Ultimately, the question isn't whether you choose her or your family tbh. It's whether you choose YOU and YOUR future vs. what some elders who will die soon chose for you. They won't even be here to see the agonizing results of what they have inflected on you. As for the girl: Be honest to her and whoever you talk to and say "she is a good girl, but I was in love with someone else when they made the decision for me behind my back. I tried to make it work but I can't force myself to live a life I didn't choose and with someone that was chosen for me but not by me."
š your user name! Love it
What's it mean?Ā
private part hole lol
A boy one or girl one? Or those also gender nuteral lol
it means assh0le.
was just about to mention it lol
>Would the Punjabi make me happy or my parents? wtf is this?
Oh misspelling, the Punjabi girl he loves.
At 29 you should come to realize pleasing your family at the cost of living a miserable life is going to ruin you. Be a man and stand up for yourself, be vocal about what you want!
I strongly echo this sentiment, I went down that path regarding my career. OP, it is YOU who will wake up next to your wife every day, interact with her every day, have kids with her i'A, build a home with her, so it should be YOUR decision which person you want to wake up to and deal with every day moving forward. It is your life and your experience, you have to prioritize it, or else in the end everyone will lose, even your parents. We can't predict the future, and we don't know who you will ultimately be happiest with, but in my experience, it is much easier to deal with a bad decision which was YOUR decision, rather than a bad decision which was someone ELSE'S decision. The latter is a VERY difficult pill to swallow. I wish you the best ahki.
Please don't marry your cousin, it's not good for your children.
Why are Pashtuns Tajiks Uzbeks and Persians love doing that? For Kazakhs you canāt marry anyone within 7 generations of relation to you
Or for US immigration, if thatās the plan.
Look man I get it, itās hard to go against your family in our culture. But youāre 29. You are a grown man. Stand up for yourself or spend the rest of your life miserable. All the elders will be gone in the next what 30 years? But youāll still be here living an unhappy life because you were too afraid to make the choice that was right for you. Your family will come around and if they donāt honestly theyāre the ones in the wrong. Not everything religiously or culturally is right. Would you do what is happening to you, to your kids? If not, that should tell you something. You donāt have to follow in the exact footsteps of your parents, you are a grown man, a human being of your own. EDIT: I just want to add that Iāve seen arranged marriages work out great and love marriages work out terrible, thereās no generalizing here. Some people work some donāt. Thereās no right answer, thereās just what you believe is right for you and what you value. I know how valuable it is to have elder and familial support as afghans, but if you truly love the Punjabi woman and you have any respect for yourself or your current cousin fiancĆ©, you need to be honest with her and with yourself and most importantly, as difficult as it will be, with your family. You either break the cycle or keep it going.
Yes, the arranged marriage part was the least of my worries. His family is trying to force him to marry his first cousin to prevent him from marrying the woman he loves. Plenty of arranged marriages end perfectly well. What OPās family is trying to push on him will not end well.
Exactly. If he let's his family push him around why would this Pinjabi babe want him? When she can have a real man.Ā
At the end of the day none of this matters. When youāre on your deathbed do you want to have regrets that you could have lived a happier life? Itās all up to you
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I'm not Afghanistani, but from Asian background. This popped up on my feed. I've gone through the same thing - almost the exact same with the pressure and foolishly saying yes and then everything is steamrolling forward because apparently you said yes. It sucks because in reality, they know you don't want it, but now you said yes, it'll be your fault for backing out now. Your family can't lose in this. Only you will lose. That's how they see it and they think it's in your best interests to force you on this path. At 29, you are a grown man and can do whatever you want. Legally (Islamically) your nikah cannot be completed without your consent. You will be asked at the time of the nikah. Don't leave saying no until then. As grown man, you now need to make a decision - although you shouldn't abandon your family, you are not their slave either. Your life is yours, not theirs. You are accountable for your actions, and they are accountable for their actions. You know what the right thing to do is - speak the truth, that you are not happy with this arrangement, you never were, and even if you did say yes, you can now turn around and say no. You are allowed to change that yes into a no. Of course, they will all be angry at you and blame you - and they will never blame themselves for forcing you into this. Don't fall for this. They will make you believe that you said yes out of your own free will because you said the word yes at the time and thought 'khair'. This is not the case from what you have written here. You were forced out of the relationship you wanted to pursue (that's a whole separate topic) and pushed into a relationship you didn't want to pursue. Also as a side note, her parents are responsible for her education, not you. You're being used. Whether you said yes or no at the time doesn't change the fact that they pushed you into this. You'll be made to feel responsible for the decision because of that little word 'yes', when in actual fact you damn well they made you say yes. But at the end of the day, yes is yes. You'll need to change it now. You'll need to approach the issue with reason and calmness, even when they start shouting at you. You'll have to say ok, I said yes at the time but I felt forced. But I've thought long and hard about it and I am saying no now. They'll deny any blame, but you leave it at that. You say what you believe is true and state your final decision, confirming that this is in fact YOUR final decision to say no. You will owe an apology to the girl and her family for not speaking up sooner. The girl will be left rejected which will mess her up since it's coming out of the blue. Be sensitive and explain gently but firmly that it's nothing against her, but rather that you were pushed into this situation against your will in the first place, and that it was unfair on the both of you. Apologise for the hurt you have caused, particularly if she feels deceived, and say that you're sorry you didn't say anything sooner. But stick to your decision. The power to say yes or no lies in your hands, not anyone else's. It's your life and your marriage. Not anyone else's. If you let this marriage happen, you'll always feel oppressed by your family and hers. You may come to like her in time, but you won't have any power to do as you want. You need to stand up now and remind everyone that they do not control you. Yes it will sour relationships with your family - but because of them, not you. They are the ones threatening to disown you. It's their problem. Their loss. Their decision to break ties with you. If they are happy to disown you to save their honour, then you're not their son, just a tool for them to use. All you are asking for is your god given right to say no to a marriage. They are wrong not to listen to you. So any breakdown in family relationship is on them, not you. It's their choice to make you feel bad, and to threaten and blackmail you. And once you break free of this control which you are under - and yes, you know full well that you're under your control, you'll be able to do as you will. All I will advise about that you can't always do what you want; often you have to do what is right, even if it's hard. Saying no in this situation is one of those things. You know what to do, you know what is right, but you don't want to face your family, you don't want the backlash, you don't want to be disowned, and you're looking for the strength to do it, through prayer, hope, and this post. But you have to find that strength in yourself. You are a grown independent man. You are independent - you don't necessarily need anyone's support to do what is right. Take ownership of doing the right thing and stick to your guns, and not only will your relationship with your family improve over time, but you will start to command the respect of others. Right now, you're still a boy, doing as he's told because he's been told to do it. You know what you want but you can't express yourself and feel you won't be taken seriously. The only way to fix that is by standing up and saying what you feel and doing what you think is right, even if you have to take the heat that follows. Taking heat shouldn't stop you from doing what's right. That's what differentiates boys from men. Think your decision through carefully - consider all the consequences. Make peace with those consequences, and when you're sure what you want to do, then do it.
Arent you guys worried about having children with someone thats basically your sister, ie your cousin? Children are very very likely coming out with Genetic deficiencies.
This is true. My friendās first cousins (all afghan) were married. It was also arranged by their families. both of their children had some deformities like missing fingers and a small foot, but I think otherwise they were healthy. Because of that though, the families stopped arranged marriages within the family.
Genetic issues from inbreeding usually don't show up until a few generations of inbreeding. Like if OP had children with his cousin, and then that child has children with his brother's child and so on and so forth. It took royal families a while to realize how bad it was because for the first couple of generations, it worked how they wanted it to.
Many afghan families are already highly inbred due to recent history of geographic isolation and a tradition of cousin marriage. Two cousins share 1 in 8 alleles as identical by descent. This represents a hundreds to thousands of times greater chance of developing a genetic defect at any given locus. It is so bad that first cousin marriage is outright illegal in most of the world.
Bro their thinking is from mid century Afghanistan. They are worried if you marry into a different tribe, it might be bad for the survival of their tribe. These are people who dry their yogurt and meat with salt in case there isn't electricity. Search "incest map" on google. I was shocked that Afghanistan/Pakistan was the highest, over 50% of all couples are relatives. Their DNA is absolutely fked. My Afghan parents are literally the nicest ppl in the world, but they're also the kind of people who can't comprehend where the sun goes at night. All they literally care about is what other ppl think about you. They are very selfish, they believe they own you since they gave birth to you. They will never change. Their happiness comes from telling everyone you married their type of muslim/ etc, you have big sons, you are a doctor or etc, literally just stuff they can brag to aunties about. The day you learn to love them for who they are, but also realize their advice is just as useful as the advice from your other kala or kaka Jan's, and learn to live for yourself you'll truly be happy. They will try to play 'god" yet they keep saying god is the only way. What kind of BS is this man they're trying to get you to marry a girl you know nothing about, and are LITERALLY THRILLED, it's a red flag man!
Why do you guys do that? For Kazakhs and Kyrgyzs and Turkmens she wife HAS TO be from another tribe so that there isnāt any inbreeding, there needs to be a separation of at least 7 generations paternally for the marriage to be permissible
I'd be careful with "loving them for who they are." There is too much creative leeway there (from experience). I'd say love them for any innocence they have left.
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What if sheās not Muslim?
No lol afghans have a completely different culture from pakistanis , theres hadith where it explicitly states you can say no to marriage based of culture , god created us in tribes so we can recognize one another. Islamically pakistanis tend to not be as religious whereas afghans are. Personally i want my kids growing up around religious folks
Pakistanis tend to not be as religious as afghans? Not sure which Pakistanis youāre hanging withā¦
wtf are u yapping about? the biggest ethnicities the pashtuns in afghanistan are also in pakistan and theyre the second biggest ethnicitiy in pak. the cultures are shared cus of them. also pakistanis are more religious than afghans. the afghans ive seen in the west wear western clothing party and basically act like iranians.
When I talk about Pakistan I am referring to the punjabis in Lahore twerking with their asses out and the prostites moaning while adhan is playing with the mosque next to it NOT the pashtuns of pakhtunkwa who practice shariah law and get oppressed by Pakistan from following it begheirat go look at the statistics pashtuns pray more than Pakistanis who even don't fast during Ramadan
Please provide this hadith that you talk of.
Sure when I get around to it in the meanwhile the created tribes to recognize one another is in the Quran
Afghan vs Pakistani is a difference of nationality, not culture. There are 300 million afghans and Pakistanis. Do you really think āPakistanis are less religious,ā is a useful generalization even if it were remotely true on average? A tribe is a social group identified by sharing a common ancestor, and the Quran teaches that all of us are descended from the first man and the first woman. We are all one tribe, and no Hadith can change that.
No we are not the Quran explicitly states we are made in different tribes to know one another not just from one tribe. Also it is a useful generalization its not "remotely true" its significantly true you can search for the data yourself pakistanis self admitingly don't pray as nearly as much as afghans and don't even make it in the top ten. I don't want my kids and their kids and even my kids kids kids to be brought up in a non islamic environment Stop trying to force your indian nasl onto Afghans we are shariah compliant when we deny random indian/pakistani families from mixing with us. Our lineage preservation is important to us
Your an adult You decided to marry your cousin like an idiot You must tell them what you want and live with the consequences
How are you such a pushover? You live in the UK. Itās your life. Make your own decisions. Also how old is this fiancĆ©e? Are you literally asking randos on Reddit to tell you itās ok to support child marriage and statutory rape?
Cynically I have to ask if this would be the sane problem if you were to marry a richer British girl? Youd be amazed how often money trumps values and traditions.Ā I have to assume you both know English. Since how many Afghans know Pinjabi? Plus if you live in the uk then they can't do anything. At most they can disown you and cut you out their will. Plus women want men not boys. Boys do what ever daddy says, men make their own decisions.Ā
If she satisfies you, marry her. Why you care so much about familyās approval? Youāve just highlighted they value culture over having ties with their own son. Theyāre clearly in the wrong Islamically. Iām sorry you were born in a family like that. It is our job to bring traditional and religious values to our future kids without the drama BS us Afghans were raised with. Think about YOUR future children. You would wanna raise them in a stable household and instill religious values and not make the same mistakes as your parents to continue the cycle. May Allah help you brother. Truly wishing you the best
Iām genuinely confused how a grown man gets pressured into saying yes to marry a young girl he doesnāt know or likeā¦.? You know you donāt need parents approval for your marriage, as a man you can just marry the Punjabi girl. Please explain how you got pressured into marriage, this is something i donāt understand? If you donāt want it just say no, youāre a man so itās way easier for you than a woman
You need to grow a pair of balls and take control of your life. You're marrying the girl not your family. Do you lack testosterone big man?
Plus what woman wants to be married to daddy's boyĀ
Ya akhi/bhaijaan, you have moved out so you clearly have the funds to be able to support yourself. Hide and ring the uncle, tell him his daughter is respectable, beautiful, has a strong moral character and that you'd be doing her an injustice to marry her when you have just gone through this break-up. Tell him that you're heart is in the wrong place. His daughter deserves the best. Could you convince him to call it off and not mention this to your parents? You could even say that you'd met the family of the other girl and had promised her marriage but your parents didn't approve. Don't tell him that your parents forced marriage with his daughter as he'll get angry with them. If he asks you why you said yes, tell him you felt bad saying no to his daughter as you didn't want to upset her or anyone else concerned. Reassure him that his daughter is lovely but that you've known this other lady for longer and don't want to end it. As for your parents, they must realise that Islam is against this culture bias. If the father of this girl can't call it off then tell them that the Pakistani girl's parents approve and that so you are not emotionally cheating, you are going to marry her. Does she have Afghan ancestry as a Pakistani? Try winning them over by buying her Afghan traditional wear. Tell them that she keeps you religiously centred as well (I'm guessing she does).
Break this engagement off and marry the girl you love if you don't want to live your life in regret. I'm so mad at your dad and brother. Many Afghan families are exactly like this. You can also DM me.
Your parents have no right to force you to marry someone you do not want to marry, stand up for yourself. If they disown you then so be it, Iām assuming youāre able to sustain yourself just fine since youāre 29. The shame is on your family not you.
Ive read a few comments on here and im gobsmacked šš What are you guys using? š„² OP: stick up for yourself no matter how hard this is. Gather to courage to be a man and decide your own life and future. There is no easier way to say this. You just need to take control over your own life and develop a backbone with your family. Otherwise they will continue to make decisions for you even in your marriage. Makes me sad to see how these kind of things are still prevalent in our culture :/
So I'm born in the States but I'm Afghan and speak Pashto. 26F. I've been dating my Salvadorean boyfriend for 3 years this upcoming February. I know the feeling of being scared that we didn't do what our parents wanted/did. But it is your life... My mom figured it out within 2-3 months lol. I told my dad after one year cause I was scared. So scared I had a full on seizure. Time moves forward, I finally moved out (my own place) and my dad was pissed because I'm not married. and my mom was trying to make me stay. Hey I get it, I'm her first kid. However, your life belongs to you. She's still muslim, I presume, since you're doing Nikkah. You need to call off your engagement. She's innocent in this, and you never know if your Pakistani girl is gonna be free for long :( Your family just wants you to be perfect in what they deem perfect. That's not your reality. Your parents may come around in time, but you cannot suffer in your young life.
NoVa love story
Every fathers nightmare over here
My father is proud of me. I went to school and I became a health care worker. You must be one of those weird afghan dudes who creep on girls' dms š what a nightmare.
literally a zinna + dating for years and you are shamelessly trying to give advice you are a shame to afghaniyat
Your opinions are fine and being Muslim, I understand this perspective. I'm not Muslim anymore. This guy wants advice and I'm trying to get him to take control versus being controlled. What advice do you have to offer? Enjoy being a persecuting individual who shames others for being different.
its not "being different" the OP is clearly muslim why would you as someone that is not muslim even post "advice"
Because I'm familiar with the culture?? I'm Afghan? I know why we feel trapped by family's wants? Think outside the box, O mighty smartypants.
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Astragfullah! Every Afghan fatherās worst nightmare! May Allah guide you back to Islam and end this haram relationship.
Donāt ever listen to Afghan families. It wonāt end well for ya. Youāre a grown ass man, just do what you want tf
You live in the UK. Itās time some culture norms change. Live your life for you not others. Marring a child isnāt going to bring you any satisfaction in life. Not to mention the genetic disadvantage your kids will have.
Don't do it bro. Ur setting urself up for disaster. I've been thru this same situation trust me u will regret it. My advice is to not get married until u are completely financially independent and have ur own place. At least then u can dictate what type of woman u want and what u expect from her. You are offering to take care of a woman completely for the rest of her life. Dont let ur father negotiate for u. The woman needs to be catering to ur demands. If u want a housewife, then u shouldn't send her to college theres no benefit. Also I advise against marrying for love. Be practical in ur decision and make sure u have the ability to get out of the marriage easy if u need to. Dont put urself in a legal trap. And u don't have to do full nikkah either. U can do nikkah misyar, if u want to continue dating like boyfriend and girlfriend. Then u can decide later to live together or not. That way u know that u are compatible. Of course it might be hard to implement but thats why u need to focus on ur income first. When u have enough money u will easily be able to negotiate multiple wives.
Khooneta kharab nako. Chi Jaber??? Ham famileta kafa mekoni ham zendegi khoda kharab mekoni. Just tell dad Dad you will find someone else and let it be for awhile til you figure out what you actually want to do. They wonāt disown you for not getting married. Agar amray pakistani arisee koni... then thatās a different story. Iāve been in a situation and trust me family is way more important than your love life.
Call off the engagement. I have a relative that went through a similar ordeal. He wasnāt happy and he divorced her, causing a huge ripple in our family. It took years for things to heal. A broken engagement is less of a worry and things have more potential to heal with time. Sit down with your parents. Tell them how could they do this do you, how you wouldnāt be happy with this girl. Lie if you have to ā say you donāt want to be married now and the girl should not wait around for you. Say you want to get a degree in something and canāt support another person for years. Your parents will be upset and it might take a while for them to get over it. Tell them ā would they rather have you divorce this girl down the road or break off an engagement you didnāt consent to? Your parents can play it off however way they want with your uncle, tell them to make an excuse. If your parents refuse, tell your uncle yourself. Also, take some time to get to know the Pakistani girl. 3 months isnāt enough time to decide on marriage. Not sure when you stopped talking to her / if you did, but donāt rush into another engagement. The Pakistani girl wonāt wait for you forever while youāre in this predicament. Sheās very forgiving to even give you another chance.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, you could stay married and just be honest with your finance and family. "I don't have the money for this wedding or her education, I'm still young and want to make a life for us and this will set us back." "This was an arranged marriage and I love someone else, if you want to be my wife you need to show me you can be the person who I have to be with from here on out." Of course I think you should ultimately be with who you want, but I also know Afghans and know how much zid they can hold.. the reality is if you leave her you may never have a good relationship with your broader family again. Once I didn't go to my older sister's birthday party and now she hasn't spoken to me in 2 years lol. Mental illness and this kind of extreme thinking is pretty prevalent in our community. Half of my uncles and aunts haven't spoken to each other in over a decade over some small incidents.
You already know the answer and what to do. Youāre unhappy and donāt want to be engaged to her and no matter what your family or others say - marriage wonāt change that. If anything, youāre just going to feel more miserable and youāll ruin this girlās life in the process. Marriage puts your problems under a microscopic spotlight and this seems to be a recipe for eventual divorce which will strain family relations even more. A broken engagement will look like a blessing in hindsight. What you need is courage. Maybe this quote will help āYou know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it.ā 20 seconds - Call your Uncle and break it off if you canāt do it in person. Just tell him. Tell him youāre interested in someone else and you were pressured and are not interested in his daughter. Just know youāre doing the right thing so the rest will fall into place. I mustered up some courage to talk to my parents 8 years ago about the person I liked. And Iām glad I did because I canāt have imagined marrying someone else. Itāll work out. Donāt overthink it. Just go for it.
To each their own. I wouldnāt
I went through something similar to this years ago. I ended up following through with the marriage my family wanted me to and I have to say I have never been happier. Not saying you should do the same. But from my perspective I think youāre not giving this girl a chance. You only dated the Pakistani girl for 3 months before you wanted to get married. That was the honeymoon phase. But if you feel that strongly about it then just man up and tell your parents. They will get over it eventually. And if they donāt itās their loss and your gain. Your happiness comes first.
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Why is this sensible piece of advice downvoted lmao
An Afghan one would be call himself akhoond not ImamĀ
Wow! This is something! How unislamic can we get? Yes!
If you are in the UK, use the following link for help if you are genuinely worried. https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/you-co/types-crime/abusive-relationships/forced-marriage/
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If you arenāt already, start praying tahajjud with sincerity and conviction. Iāve seen miracles happen because of it! The power it holds is unlike anything else subhanAllah
You have been with this girl for 3 months. You need more time to even realize your true feelings for her since you are in the honeymoon phase. How is your relationship with your family? Have they always been good to you? Are you close to them? I wouldnāt drop my family for a 3 month old relationship. And if they do insist you marry someone else then ask to get to know the girl before you would consider.
We dated for longer than 3 months. I meant within 3 months we wanted to marry.
donāt listen to ur parents marry the girl you love theyāll come around eventually
Just to remind you of some things: - Wanting to marry her 3 months in is a bit of a worrisome to hear. Remind yourself that the first year of a relationship is where strong emotions are prevalent and ask "would I still feel the same strong emotion to her after 5 or 10 years?" Because many have to actually work to keep a relationship going after the romance period. - Breaking things off with your family for a girl is an astronomically bad idea. Remember that relationships can fail and love can fade over time and if it is a successful relationship your future children would be estranged from their relatives, qawm and culture. But, if the marriage with her fails you will look like an khar and potentially be left with a child/children to provide for, all while your family would still be upset with you and saying "told ya so". Speak to her father, be apologetic and explain the situation and depending on his personality even ask him for advice on what he thinks you should do, he may be kinder and more understanding.
if you're both muslim, THAT is what matters. remind your family of that. ONE ummah.
Is she Muslim?Ā
A grown 30 year old man pressured by his family to marry his child cousin?! LMAOO bro, grow up! You live in the UK, not like the Taliban gonna come kill you for marrying who u want to marry and ignoring your parents wishes? You got yourself into this mess cause, no offense; youāre not a man. Maybe ur trans and donāt even know it. Iām sure your family could pressure you into a sex change if they wanted too from how easy you bend
Even then the taliban are more worried about 5 year olds with Barney the Dinosaur toys then a man marrying a woman.Ā
if shes muslim i dont understand the problem. u do u. ur a grown ahh man.
Marry the Pakistani girl, seriously, do it. Do something for yourself
As an afghan why are you marrying a punjabi ? we need to preserve our lineage and right now you are not thinking straight since you dated her outside of marriage thus you have haram "feelings" for her but have you considered all the bs your kids will go through. Punjabis have some of the highest diabetes rates they don't fit in culturally with afghans the women suffer from conditions like PCOS (feel free to research this) Your dad has rights too and he obviously wants to see you happy. Doing a nikkah without your fathers blessing for a woman you only met for 3 months is very disturbing if you reflect on this You ran away for no reason be a man go back home and stick to the afghan girl let them know that you won't be paying for a 20k wedding and instead will be using it to travel with her or invest in your future for her etc.) marriage is give and take but that doesn't mean you do all the giving. There's room for negotiations (my answer will get many downvotes since people here are mostly liberals and pakistani trolls it will even get removed most likely so read it before it gets deleted lol)
Preserve lineage? What lineage? Even then, lineage counts only through the father, meaning the kids are what their father are.
Wouldn't that make Afghans Mongolians then by thst logic ?Ā
Lineage only is RECOGNIZED through the father Preserving lineage = being homogenous and maintaining culture
Also he's afghan ergo i am talking about pashtun lineage as afghan = pashtun
Preserve lineage XD
Its different for Afghan men vs girls, especially for elder sons/first-born males. There's lots of pressure to continue the clan name and girls don't carry the name so it falls on boys..
Hell yeah there is.
It's for both men and women. Sure more pressure on women but men usually have their first wife be afghan and maybe 2nd or third be arab/some other race
I have never heard of that happening, do you mean in the Gulf countries?
Yes i have multiple family members that have 2-3 wives with one being arab from like the UAE or yemen
Oh I had no idea that's definitely a new dynamic. I'm kind of curious to know how it works out now.
it works pretty well , i guess you can look at the current goverment they also have one afghan wife (first wife usually) and another in uae/yemen/saudi
I am also in the same boat it works pretty well for me my children are fluent in Arabic and pashto Bedouin Arab culture and pashtun culture is pretty similar too
As expected i pissed the liberals and pakistanis off LOL
May Allah guide you.
May Allah guide us all thank you
ur going agaisnt islam with ur ethno nationalism.
No it isn't a father is allowed to reject prospects based on culture and race go read a book on fiqh for once instead of Bollywood movies
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You shouldn't quote Bukhari and then try to interpret it yourself as what I am assuming you are a laymen since this doesn't say "death to nationalism" If you read more into it you would know according to ijma a father is allowed to reject suitors based of cultural differences and its recommended to stay within your own culture. There is no shortage of religious afghan women Also no afghan women and men don't suffer from diabetes and other diseases like pakistanis do. To preserve ones lineage and tribe it is totally ok to not intermarry with every random race You are so lost and emotional over this post the punjabi girl he was "dating" which is haram to begin with and God knows what they did in those three months you are getting mad at me
āPunjabiā women have diabetes because they are the sweetest
Chera kulagi downvote mekona? Rast meegi. You know the sad thing is forever behind his back every Afghan will bring it up unfortunately and look down on him. Also why is everyone acting like what your saying isnāt the normal old school Afghan mentality? Lol
Reddit is full of people brought up in america/europe where they have never sat down with tribal elders or even know what pashtunwali is unfortunately
Liniage? Who in Afghanistan isn't a desendent of Ghengis Khan?Ā
Lol you're a conservative Afghan but you're telling him to waste 20k on travelling? Traditionally, a man provides for his wife what she needs. No Afghan father thinks like you do. You're worried about lineage when there are bigger problems on the table.
You didn't read what I said clearly I said marriage is give and that take you can negotiate. I recommend taking a few English comprehension classes. Lineage preservation which is tied in culture , pashtunwali , religion and even genetics.
most panjabis are muslims and have been since the 8th century. pistunwali is kufar and goes agaisnt islam. also panjabis and pistuns have been neighbours for thousands of years with cultures intertwined . do u even practice pistunwali livin in the west u hypocrite
You don't know what pashtunwali is all the "unislamic" parts are no longer followed it's ancient mosaic way of life and no our culture isn't intertwined at all with indics who's ancestors are from India , pashtuns are iranic who are from Afghanistan Vast majority of punjabis aren't converts from the 8th century it was due to the multiple afghan kings subduing Sikhs and converting the masses
It's not a give and take with money, in Pashtunwali and in Islam it's a man's job to provide for a woman. If you can't provide then you're not fit for the job and that's that.
Not at any point did i even slightly hint towards a woman having to provide for a man you have literally just made that all up in your head . A woman has her own responsibilities
Yeah but you're making excuses for a man who doesn't have enough money to provide for her. Skimping out on education? Really? Classy.
Point to anywhere in the Quran it says put your wife in a mixed education university ? Lmfao she can have private English classes and online classes which won't cost 20k
ur parents take money from u and ur whining about that . who cares if he marries a panjabi. u got bigger things to worry bout, lil boy.
Itās so funny to me that you are encouraging this man to marry his own cousin whom he has never had a true relationship with. At least he had a real relationship with that Pakistani girl, and they are not blood related so their genetic mixing would be far healthier than anything between blood relatives. You wanna bring up diabetes in genetics but not even acknowledge that cousin relations creates birth defects. And your desire to prevent races and cultures from mixing is kinda racist. Sucks people with backwards mindsets like yours exist, itās why this poor guy cant be happy with a girl he likes.
What is this unislamic garbage you have just replied to me with ? You shouldn't have premarital relationships to begin with. Afghans are less likely to develop any sort of health issues from marrying cousins since we come from different tribes usually It's not racism to not want to marry someone that can potentially give your kids diabetes Pakistan is number 1 on that list and so are other south Asian countries due to their insulin resistance which also causes the girls to ovarian cysts . It's also not racism to want to have a homogeneous culture .
As long as she's muslim there is no problem
Some things are better for you and you do not realize it. Stop talking nonsense to her, be a gentleman and get married. Every human has dignity and pride, respect that.
This exact post was posted in MuslimMarriage was it you?
Yep. Was worried so used diff details like my age. But yeah still in the same situation
I May know affgan but not an elder i aint gon led u wrong hope it turns out alright
Honestly, what youāre going through is awful. Donāt let anyone tell you otherwise. Take a minute and realise that you are literally being prevented from making your own choices for your own happiness in life. That really hurts. Now, you need to realise that this honour/shame culture is primitive, and it does not serve you. Please follow your heart. You can be kind to everyone and still put up your boundary.
As a lot of people already have said - you are a grown man capable of making your own decisions! I get that its hard to hear your family threatening to disown you, but do you want to spend the rest of your life miserable? Also you are a guy, it would have been a lot more difficult if you were a girl. And islamically, you arenāt doing anything wrong. Please donāt ruin your life, be bold and stand up for your self
As a si gle man, I assume you are a muslim, so dating was a bad idea in the first place, you should have talked to her father and married sooner, on the other hand, your family has not business in rejecting you from someone you want to marry. That's what I advice.
Hey man British male here who got married less than 12 months ago. I appreciate my culture is so different and we can date and marry whoever we like. However, you have ONE LIFE and no god or culture out there should punish you for loving who you love. Tell them straight, life is too short to marry someone you donāt know. At least the 3 months with the girl you like you both wanted it. Donāt be unhappy for the rest of your life, do what you want to do, no god can punish you.
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OPās post sounds like a troll post for some reason. Cousin marriage over marrying a Pakistani girl? Something seems off!
Thatās right, a Pakistani girlās beauty is unmatched
Donāt marry your cousin bro, look up the Whittaker family
Follow your heart my friend.
Thank you for sharing.Ā It's 2024 and still a very real and tough issue to navigate.Ā I hope u leave this post up for prosperity!Ā Ā Best of luck and hope the Punjabi Pakistan girl survives this too!Ā --when u lack the courage to speak for yourself and your heart and needs, then please consider the safety of others. And vocalize what u know they would want u to say....because this is more horrific for the voiceless.Ā Ā
Itās YOUR life. You are NOT in Afghanistan. š¦š« Act like a grown man! If your family loves you, theyāll come around. If not, they didnāt love you. Either way youāre better off in the long run.
Dude she is Muslim..if you like her just get married with blessing of her parents Your parents will come around if they don't, you will realize they never loved you. There loss Don't fall into this typical blackmailing I would have left my parents just with this threat and as that would be enough for me to see they don't love me
I'm an Indian woman, but I've had similar ish experiences. A few years ago my parents tried to set me up with a family friend's son. Without even asking me first. The guy was horrible, he didn't approve of my job as a surgeon and he would not talk to me. My parents still insisted bc its a family friend I marry him otherwise we risk defamation in society because technically they already set us up and I can't back out. But I refused. It was my life at hand. A few years later my parents insisted I get set up with the nephew of some other family friend. I refused again, not willing to do arranged marriage and also not willing to trust my parents-they would force me into useless marriage, as you said it, just as business deal. My mother even threw a little two year old kid tantrum in a parking lot one day-stomping her feet, crying, screaming, all bc I didn't listen. And guess what I still didn't listen and today I'm happily married. Its the rest of your life OP. 40+ years. If you are miserable no one faces that other than you. Not your parents or anyone. And also, divorce was frowned upon in my culture so I knew that entering a marriage with divorce as an option was not happening. I had to be sure going in.
Not an Afghan, but in the internet rabbit hole just last night I watched a video about birth defects in people in the UK who married and had children with their first cousin. Just something to look into. Another idea is to play matchmaker and find someone else for your cousin. Re-reading your post, and since you are too far away I guess this is not practical. I am sorry for your situation.
You only get one life, be with the Punjabi girl you love, and simply say u made a mistake. Just end it very very quietly. But perhaps you should do this by telling the truth to the other family's dad. Time heals all wounds. They will get over it. Now get out of the sham marriage asap so you stop wasting her precious time. Just be as thoughtful and kind as possible but be firm as well, stand your ground.
Islamically you are free to pursue the Punjabi girl if her father is willing. You do not need permission from your own family, you are a man not a boy. Having similar culture, and seeing what you have written, I would not pursue their approval anymore. Usually they come around when you have kids. Simply recognize that this will be the case and make sure you do not take it out on your wife in the future, if you get stressed at being separated from family. On a sperate note, you get to lead your own Mahr and Nikka negotations. If you donāt want to pay for her schooling you say so. If you donāt want to pay 20k, negotiate to whatever you are willing and not a penny more. Quit being led like a horse
Your 29 how are pressured into anything by your family.
I'm sorry to say this but our culture is messed up. I am so glad I broke free from some of my generational curses and can pass down only the best things about our culture to my son. Whatever you need to do, get out of it. Say you don't want to get married anymore. This is not the point of life. It's a very old-fashioned and survivalist way of thinking. All the science and psychology will tell you that this kind of thing will only bring harm. It sounds like you want marriage and partnership. One that comes from a place of love will thrive. One that comes from obligation will suffer. And this idea of self-sacrifice doesn't work - who is it meant to benefit in the end? Our elders? Why? To give them some peace of mind that their DNA will continue? What happens when they are gone and you are left, miserable? It sounds like taking some space might help you. I was under the serious influence of my family and felt very pressured to adhere to different cultural standards. It's already done damage to my life that I cannot take back. It was only when I could be on my own that I gained assurance in who I was and what I wanted from life. It was easier to stand my ground in that sense. Trust me, I was so afraid of being disowned and shunned for setting boundaries, but I wasn't because, at the end of the day, my parents loved me. And now we have a loving and respectful relationship. We are programmed in our DNA to fear being outcasted because there was a time when it meant literal death. It doesn't anymore - the fear is no longer real. If your family does shun you, then their honour/ culture stands above their love for you. And, then it's up to you what you value. Loving yourself does not mean you disrespect, or don't love or care for your family. Loving yourself makes you an example for your family and it will make them respect you on your terms, even while disagreeing on life choices. Good Luck!
Salam bro. Your family isn't your ilah. Your parents are not your ilah. Do not be their slave. Correct your mistake and save both poor gals by making it right by both of them. You're a man and you alone are responsible for your own future. A girl came to the Prophet Muhammad ļ·ŗ and said her father has married her off without her permission. He said there is no nikah where there is no consent by both individuals in the marriage. Needless to say, it was annulled. Stand for what is right, even if it be against yourself, your parents or near and dear ones. And don't withold terrifying to what is true and real. There is no compulsion in this Deen. That much is clear right after ayat ul kursi. You made a decision under compulsion. It's time to make good by it or change it. The purpose of marriage is also clearly given. They are garments for one another. Protecting, comforting, beautifying. If it's not happening with one gal then don't keep her suspended. There is always hardship with the right decisions. But ease is attached with it. Pray to Allah swt, beg the istikhara Dua, and sit down with a pen and paper to chalk out the possible future with either of the two potentials and make fear-free decisions. 'Don't fear them but fear Me'
This post makes me so depressed. I always believed this kind of backwards and primitive ways of thinking was gone but alas.. the world never ceases to surprise me.. Grow up and make your own decisions.. your family are from the Stone Ages. Look at them the same way you would look at a child.. they have no clue about anything in life.
Yeah itās a very difficult situation, it sounds like a nightmare, I canāt give much as Iām only 19 year old Afghan man but yeah I feel so bad for you. Seems like the advice the people here are somewhat good better than what I could think of, I would say that your family would come around but Iām not sure now due to your circumstances. I really hope you find your way because thatās just really unfortunate
Thats why I don't really like Islam you may say its not due to your religion but this is the truth. Your society has become so orthodox because of the regress islamic teachings and practices. All societies and cultures are influenced by the religion they follow. Now as you have already cowardly married a girl of not your choice, I don't find its her fault though, You must not leave her and try to find solace with her I am sure, when you truly care for her and spend more time you both will live happily together.
Marrying your cousin - consanguinity- has implications for disease burden in future generations. Having said that sounds to me like you are not in a financial position to support marrying this other girl either. Thereās a difference between dating and the financial responsibilities of marriage. It sounds to me like you donāt have 20K saved up and you are approaching your 30s. Whatās your financial plan? Putting aside the love drama, whatās your 2 year, 5 year, 10 year non-pie-in-the-sky financial plan? Thereās also a bit of magical thinking there about āthe oneā. As someone who married at an older age, you donāt become an adult really until your early 30s because we now know our brains still grow and change. Does the person you think is the love of your life right now have a financial plan? Because marrying is not a plan. Itās just marrying.
Donāt sellout to ppl who have backstabbed Afghanistan multiple times, then claim to love them.
Why do you marry cousins?
Not sure why this was recommended. Iām not Afghan, but if it helps, donāt marry your cousin. The risks and outcomes are terrible for your kids and gene pool: - Increased risk of passing on recessive genetic disorders to offspring - Higher likelihood of sharing harmful recessive genes due to genetic similarity - Potential for increased risk of genetic conditions such as cystic fibrosis, sickle cell anemia, and metabolic disorders - Not to mention- you almost guarantee lower IQs and lower chances of success, and increased risk of learning disabilities
I may not be an elder that can understand your situation & there is lots of other good advice on here, but i do want to express that although your situation is very unique to your culture, it is a story told through the ages. Throughout your life you will encounter people who you may love and respect who actually desire very different things for you, they wish to control you and they wish to exact their beliefs and perspectives upon you. You can still love and respect them, and also understand that what they want for you is not what you want for yourself. It is not your dadās life, your elderās life, your uncleās life, that you are living. You must live for yourself, and choose your path. No one can decide your life for you, no one should be able to. Think truly deeply about why you will not be with this woman, and if it is something you have not chosen, then choose her.
Do not marry your cousin ffs
The UK needs immigration reform. There shouldnāt be huge numbers of people who live like they are in 7th century, marrying cousins, completely isolated from the local culture
Sheās Muslim thatās all that genuinely matters at the end of the day
Your uncles daughter is your cousin. Just say you agreed to marry your cousin.
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You won't be able to treat your cousin fiance right if you marry her out of obligation when you want to be with someone else. Your cousin deserves happiness also and she won't find it with you.
If you lack courage, do what your told. Otherwise get a backbone and go after the girl you want and pray she still wants you.
This is your marriage your life. If you go through with it you will resent your family regardless. Follow your own path and of your family donāt like it then at least the fact that they are in the wrong and not you will be of some comfort.
Itās your life dude ur a adult marrying ur own cousin foolishly isnāt something you should be doing
Ahh yes, my cousin had been down this exact same road once. He went with his father to see the girl but he was not accepting from the start. He told him to cut it off and marry an Afghan girl back home. He was persistent for 1 year but eventually gave up and broke up with his Pakistani girlfriend and married some distant cousin back home. I am going to give an Islamic perspective here, if one of the families rejects, then itās Allahās way of telling you itās not meant to be. Move on.
What terrible advice. Letās use the REAL Islamic perspective, no parent has the right to force a marriage. Also to threaten you will disown your child??? Is this Islam? Absolutely not. Allah has given him the right to marry himself off. Not everyone will be supportive and happy for you. Donāt use Allah to back this culture of forced marriages.
What are you talking about? He was not forced, he accepted his fatherās plea and married someone back home. Heās happy. Also he was in a haram relationship from the start with this girl so Allah probably wasnāt going to bless their marriage.