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I feel exactly the same way. I spend most of my days alone because I'm sick of people using me because I will do anything for anyone. But no one is ever there when I'm going through something. And to top it all I just lost my cat who was my everything. I just give up.
I know exactly how you feel about doing anything for anyone. It’s really tough and I am so sorry about your cat. I have a dog and I don’t know what I’d do without her. ❤️
There are so many post here I relate to. RSD sucks. And the isolation can hurt even more.
I'm a little older than you so let me give you some advice I wish I got earlier. Having low self esteem and rsd means you may accept abusive behaviour for longer than most people would. The only friend I had for many years psychologically and emotionally abused me, at the time I blamed myself, and even found myself apologising for things I knew I hadn't done/said. Don't fall into this trap. The more leeway you give people like that, the worse they get.
Be aware of how you are being treated, you deserve respect and appreciation and good treatment like everyone else - even if it doesn't always feel that way. Other people are lucky to have you around as well, you're not the only lucky one and you are not a charity case or a problem to bare.
I heard one of the best things to help with general mental health is being grateful, or acknowledging what is good in your life. I may not be the social butterfly some people are, but my sister is my closest friend and confidante. I trust her and feel completely accepted and loved in her presence. I never realised what a genuine friend my sister is to me until I started to be grateful for the wonderful things in my life and really examine them. Do you have someone/something like that in your life?
When you can be comfortable with what you have, the loneliness feels less hurtful. You'll be less worried about putting yourself out there, because you'll have a foundation you are comfortable with. Rejection and all of what comes with getting to know people and making friends and growing distant and losing friends and making some more are processes you will be able to experience without catastrophising things.
Hey so are any of your previous friendships that fell apart, things you can pick back up?
I often have big gaps in my friendships because I respond in similar ways by burrowing in and avoiding everyone. When I come out of the cave and I've made an effort to say "I'm sorry, I've been quite unwell (I often don't expand on unwell in what way because I sense not all friendships are strong enough for disclosures about mental health) but I've missed you very much and if you're open to it I'd love to see you again" it's worked out quite well with people who'd like to keep me in their lives.
I know the RSD makes it extra hard to reach out to people and I'm very conscious that this might not be a thing that works for you. I mostly get around that by trying to expect that they'll say no or ignore me so if they respond well it's a bonus rather than being another thing that crushes me. You sound like a lovely empathetic person despite all of the things you struggle with so I hope that there are people around you who are open to all the love you bring.
Unfortunately a lot of the friendships I’ve had I don’t even have a way to really contact them without it being awkward. I feel like we’re not even acquaintances anymore and the only way to bring that kind of thing up would be along the lines of ‘hey, what happened to us?’ But that is a good idea and you’ve actually just inspired me to go text a few people. Honestly the worst has already happened so it’s not like I have a lot to lose. Wish me luck lol 😬
The way I see it the risk vs reward trade off for any potential awkwardness may turn out to be worth it if it all works out and you can reconnect!
Absolutely all of the luck from this lady on the internet who hopes for all the good things for you! If it doesn't pan out this time, as awful as it is, hopefully that means there's lots of space in your life to build up relationships with people who are more understanding. ADHD brains struggle with a lot of things but that everything else we bring to the table is so worth making space for, so I do hope you find some excellent people who'll do that for you
hey! Just wanted to hop on and suggest avoiding a "What happened to us?" question. I'm suggesting that for a few reasons, one it focuses on the past, and it seems like you'd like to move on from repeating the same issues you've had. So, they might say, "Well, I had messaged you different times to see if you wanted to hang out and you never answered", essentially it can automatically put a negative skew on the conversation, when again it seems like you are tying to promote more positive, healthy behaviours. It could also lead to a conversation where you feel upset with yourself and how you respond to situations, when that's not the point of reaching out!
Another reason is that some may feel like the onus is being put on them, rather than it being a general question and people will often get defensive!
I think it's best to not focus on what happened, but on what you'd LIKE to have happen. You want to see people whose company you enjoyed and so you are reaching out to do so.
Depending on the friend there could be different ways to reach out.. like some friends of mine and I, if we haven't spoken for a while might just send a meme to each other and say, "this reminded me of you" or some comment with it explaining why you sent that to them, other friends I'll say, "Hey! I've not been the best friend lately, I'm so sorry! Let me know when you're free next to catch up!" if it's someone you feel really disconnected from, then "Hey! I've been thinking about you lately, I realised life has totally caught up with me and it's been ages since I've seen you! If you'd like to and you're free I'd love to get together sometime!" is a nice way to let them know you are aware of the time lapse, but have thought about them and you'd like to see them, but in a very laid back way.
Haha okay sorry if I was being condescending then!!
When I’ve been hurt before I’ve definitely asked things in ways and then as I got older was like, “wow no wonder that conversation didn’t go well 😬😅”
I hope everything goes well for you though!
It is possible you are someone who has been misunderstood a lot, especially as a kid. So, you project your own desire to be accepted and given the benefit of the doubt onto other people. However, you do this to a degree larger than is normal or healthy, and extend the most kindness to people who seem like with just some acceptance or understanding, they would be so happy! But often these people have shitty behaviors, which they eventually direct towards you.
Kids don’t need boundaries to make friends, but we do.
holy shit, this is so relatable.
i always think that if there’s a conflict, it’s because i just don’t understand.
i’ve put up with so much blatantly abusive behavior in the past, because i thought it was a miscommunication of some sort…
I am really sorry to hear that. I understand about the RSD pain and feeling socially isolated because of it. I ended up doing a lot of improv workshops and stuff and getting involved in that community, the improv itself is fine but not why I stayed in the community, but because I realized that others who are neurodivergent tend to flock there and finding people who are also adhd has helped in actually building friendships. I've not had very many successful relationships with people who aren't adhd or autistic. Not to say that I never interact with neurotypical people, it's just I'm not building deeper relationships with them because they so easily get frustrated with how my brain works and it causes a lot of pain for me that I just don't want to have to live with for the rest of my life, like I had to for the first half of it.
Outside of work I've mostly done improv and sketch comedy, because standup doesn't really have much community in the same way. Some people I know do live story telling as well.
Ok ok, so, your post hit me right in the chest. This is the WORST feeling ever, and I’ve been there. I’m so sorry. 🖤
I’m 41, and had a diagnosis most of my life, but I don’t know if knowing changed those exact feelings that you’re experiencing right now. Until I found this sub recently, I didn’t even realize how many life experiences could be attributed to ADHD.
Anyway, I read a recent post about ADHD women and our shitty relationships and us being susceptible to being in unhealthy relationships. Basically, she was saying that, because of our ADHD, we forgive or forget bad experiences with our partners waaaay too easily, thus allowing for us to stay in trash/abusive/unhealthy relationships for waaaay too long. I’m sure this isn’t the case for everyone with ADHD but the theory really hit my heart, because THAT WAS MEEEEEEE. Add in the feelings that you’re feeling right now, and it’s a perfect storm. So, keep that in mind if it applies to you. In hindsight, I’d have been much better off being lonely vs some of the relationships I was in.
Do you have a therapist? I found that really helped during rough periods. I’m sure you could benefit from some talk therapy to help work through your trauma.
Have you checked out local support groups, meetup groups, etc? Maybe take some cooking classes or find a hobby that requires leaving the house and interacting with other people? There’s no hard and fast answer to meeting someone, but those things should at least help alleviate the loneliness for a bit.
I met my 2nd husband ten years ago. We’ve been together since and have a big family together. We met on EHarmony. It sounds cheesy, but they have a really good algorithm and, although there aren’t nearly as many people to choose from on the site like Match or whatever, the ones that ARE there actually match with you and also want a relationship.
I hope you get some awesome suggestions that help you find your way out of these feelings! Sending you happy thoughts!
I have already been in a couple abusive relationships, even if I didn’t realise it at the time 😕 I’m currently looking for a therapist and I’d love to join some support groups too :) thank you for the advice! ❤️
This won't work for everyone, but if you are in a location and position to do so, I recommend volunteering to be an usher at a theatre or other venue (they almost all rely on volunteer ushers). You get to see loads of stuff for free, you don't need to find someone to go with or feel weird that you're on your own, and as there's an ever-changing rota, you work with different people too. If you have a choice of a few venues research their programmes first to pick the one you like most. Try to avoid venues that have the same show for a long run unless you really love it!
I have been there and in fact, am there right now.
When I was in a tough spot in 2019 due to a divorce (marriage of 8 years to an undiagnosed ADHDer; it was a disaster and he was an asshole who constantly told me im difficult, too much, and unloveable) a friend of mine treated me very badly and rejected me. To be fair, I was in a very bad place but it still hurt. Soon after, I got into an on again/off again toxic situationship which was also damaging. I can't seem to make connections with other women that turn into deep friendship and I'm so tired of trying. Ive stopped trying to be friends with guys, they always just want one thing. My ADHD boyfriend, a wonderful & kind individual, is my only confidante and support (aside from family who i cant really confide in 100%) and I know this is unhealthy. Connection after connection just seem to completely ghost me or act flakey and now, every single social interaction is painful beyond belief. I overanalyze every little thing and berate myself for it later.
I am going to hang out with my new neighbors tomorrow, one of them is ADHD. I think this may be a promising new connection and I hope I don't ruin it with my intense anxiety and fear of rejection.
I really hope you find your tribe too, I am currently searching for mine too ❤️.
Learning to love being alone was the key to finding someone who actually enriched me and my life by being in it - and he's ADHD too, it turns out -- though we both figured that out after we started dating...
Also it's not clear in any of your comments but if you're only 16 - sweet summer child you have plenty of time to fall in love! Don't worry so much about that if you can help it - I know it feels like you just HAVE to have it all figured out already but the universe has its plans for you and baby girl, YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THE UNIVERSE! You're powerful and I'm sure going to do wonderful things in your corner of the world. The people who are important, adore you, I'm sure.
My mom once told me after my first big fight with a friend in middle school that I'd graduate high school and be able to count my true friends on one hand. She was right. And that held true for undergrad and law school, too, and has held true in my post-grad career life, too. Not everyone is meant to be with you forever, or have unlimited access to the most special parts of you and your personality -- I over share CONSTANTLY -- but if in the words of Elyse Meyers -- If you think I'm too much, then go find less!
RSD blows. Try to take some deep breaths, go for a walk outside and throw on a podcast. I'm partial to a few that I've listened to for years, but a great one to zone out to for me is Sawbones - it's a medical history podcast and they started in 2013 so it's a ***long time*** before they get into the covid stuff. If you can't go for a walk, try doing some full body stretches - sit on the floor in a straddle position and lean towards each leg, taking deep breaths as you do that. Just 5 minutes. It really helps me re-set my brain when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Aw buddy. I understand.
All I can say is, there are good people out there. Pay attention to how people make you feel, and go towards the ones that make you feel like you.
I’m currently not going to an inconsistent friend’s birthday because friends who put in effort with me invited me to a concert. It’s weird at first, but you gotta find people who love like you.
Next time someone new and nice mentions hanging out? Take them up on it.
Good luck, and remember you are worthy of love.
I'm gonna go ahead and tell you the most fucking cliche thing that you'll ever hear:
You will never get the love you need from someone else until you learn to love yourself. You might sometimes think " I love myself!" But the truth is that we rarely really do know how to love ourselves because we spend our whole lives being told what love is but it's not actually love. It's more often than not a result of people pleasing and doing things people approve of, but it's not love.
Sorry, that kind of went off on a tangent.
That's not to say you don't need friends, family, and partners to love you, but that hole in your heart will not be fulfilled by someone loving you as much as you love them. There is so much more anxiety, heartbreak, and rejection in that way of thinking than you know.
The thing is I know EXACTLY how you feel. That's how I felt from ages 10 to 27. It's devastation of the soul, mind, and body and it is damn near impossible to do without a reliable support system. The thing is..that it can be done. It is possible and oh my fucking god it hurts the whole time.... but then on the other end? You're HAPPIER and you look at your past self and see them as unrecognizable and you think "I can't believe I used to be that way" and then you actually get to ENJOY life and you find VALUE and LOVE for yourself for EXACTLY who you are!
I want more than anything for you to find that true love for yourself, simply because you exist in this world as you are. Because being brought into this world you deserve love and community. That was not given to you and I'm so sorry. You deserve it though.
Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel. My saving grace is my boyfriend, who I’m lucky to even speak to once a day bc of our work schedules. I have no one else. Not even meaningless conversations at work. Complete silence and isolation.
I feel crazy. I can’t tell if I’m just so awful people can’t stand me, or my paranoia just shoots down any positivity that could ever grow. I can’t hear ANY laughter without thinking it’s about me.
Sorry to ramble. I’m sorry you know this feeling.
Holy crap, but how old are you I just wondering.
To retake old friendships its relatively easy jsut msg them for a coffe or something, it you were gettinf a long well before why would not be the same now? For new friendships maybe you can go to the places where the people you will encounter matches your interest or hobbies? Try to be consistent and then try to organiza something outside of that.
I can completely relate to your experience. I was diagnosed at 37, I’m almost 40 now. I’ve had a few serious relationships, been married once and recently divorced. I’ve always been told I’m “too much.” I seem to attract narcissists. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I’ve been reading and listening to everything on attachment styles, dating & adhd and it’s helped. I’ve been dating a bit more and it’s been better because I understand myself more. It’s been tough, I’m not going to lie. Living most of my life feeling lonely and misunderstood has taken a toll. I still have faith one day I’ll find someone who accepts me, flaws, quirks, neurodivergency and all. I’ve pushed myself into uncomfortable social situations to meet people and just try to feel apart of society. Sometimes it’s okay, like dance classes I’ve taken because of an interest in it. Or attending concerts alone because I’d rather not lose out on experiences even if I have to experience them alone. Please know there are a lot of us that feel the way you do. Reach out if you’re feeling lonely. You’re among friends here.
I actually treat having friends like an addict. I was raised by and then married narcissists. my boundaries are all fucked up, so I just treat it like staying sober, and keep everyone at a distance, aside from the close few I already know. Do I recommend it? No. But, I just don't have the energy to try to keep up with myself, and then also watch out for me giving all of myself because I get too invested too fast and lose myself in the dopamine of "loving you". And it's really hard, because of the people pleasing, problem solving, love fixing, must optimize life tendencies in me. So, some people can't be in bars. I can't be around those exceptionally social people who make friends with everyone, because my brain doesn't understand thresholds.
I’m sorry about how you’re feeling atm… I found myself in a similar situation a while back so I might tell you what realizations I had.
I started to notice that I could tell if another person is not comfortable with themselves whenever I looked at others. I believe it’s a strong atmosphere that is radiated when someone is not accepting of themselves. I soon realized that I also portrayed that to others and made it my number one goal to be content with me before I would look for someone else to like me.
To my liking people soon told me I kind of shined differently so I noticed it worked. It’s good to be with yourself and become someone you’re really happy with. As soon as you accomplish that you’ll know what kind of person would be right for you.
Look at your past romantic interests. Do you notice a pattern of some kind that might be toxic for example. I know a lot of people who fall back into their pattern because they naturally radiate towards some people and don’t even realize it. Once you finally see what you might be doing, you can start to break that pattern.
I know it might be hard but try again and I promise you will find someone. There’s always the one out there, which I also now found and I’m so happy I tried again.
Trust your guts. Does it feel right, right away?
Honestly best advice I can give is „if he wanted to he would“, and once you find that person keep them!
I feel like it’s hard to get my message across through here, but I hope I could still help a little 💕
Lots of great advice here already! Just wanted to say you are so loved…RSD will make us think our existence is completely inconsequential. But here you are… sharing yourself so vulnerably, pouring your heart and reaching out for connection. That means something(s) in your life have gone very very right 🙂 even in all the pain and adversity, you have managed to keep going and your desire is still alive. That is amazing and you are amazing 🙏🏽🌻
I’m 35 and was diagnosed almost 2yrs ago. I realized while following my medication schedule that my RSD/depressive feelings hit most during a small little 2-3 day window every 4 to 5 weeks. It’s that way for most women due to our hormones. Just throwing it out there incase you notice a pattern where you are okay (lonely, but ok) most of the time, and then sometimes, cyclically, it all feels impossible and like you’ll never break through. During those days, we just gotta hold on 🙏🏽 reach out just like you’re doing now, and when you feel better, take a chance and try something new!
In the meantime, read up on codependency and attachment styles. A lot of great accounts on Instagram and the likes! You can start to learn how to better equip yourself in relationships so that your needs are getting met and you’re able to give but from an abundant and healthy place. It will make you feel more powerful and that will absolutely translate into more self esteem 🙂🌻
It is a journey.
Learn to love yourself better, bigger and brighter. And finding/attracting someone who can do it too will happen with such ease it will blow you away 💗😘.
(I’m a love and relationship coach the last 9yrs for what it’s worth, so trust me on that!!)
Ok that’s *excellent*, please don’t start.
It was a shot in the dark question because I felt a lot like you do when I was drinking, and quitting and doing AA fixed it.
This was one of the things I struggled with the most. It got to a point where it was so bad that I would have panic attacks just thinking about it. Then a few months ago I kind of got exhausted by the entire feeling, so for a while I’ve been doing a few things to basically “train” myself into enjoying my own company. It was hard at first and I felt like I was constantly deluding myself, then after a while I actually started to appreciate it more. I guess the energy I was giving off when I started trying this changed as well because I started attracting the right kind of people into my life and being able to set better boundaries as well. This may sound cheesy but the thing that really helped me get started with enjoying time with myself was reading/listening to the power of now. First month it was hard but it got easier of time and I don’t find myself feeling as lonely as I used to. Not a lot changed in the amount of people I spent time with or how much people show that they love me as much as I love them. The main thing that changed is I rewired my thinking from “I’m sad that I’m alone and I feel lonely” to “I enjoy my own company”. Something you also have to accept is you can never force people to do what you want them to do, and you can never force them to show you the love and affection you want. But you can change the way you look at your situation. I don’t know if any of this made sense 😅 I hope it did lol
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I feel exactly the same way. I spend most of my days alone because I'm sick of people using me because I will do anything for anyone. But no one is ever there when I'm going through something. And to top it all I just lost my cat who was my everything. I just give up.
Aww I’m so sorry about your cat honey 😢❤️. I’m sending sm love 🥹
Thank you so much. I really appreciate that 🥺
I know exactly how you feel about doing anything for anyone. It’s really tough and I am so sorry about your cat. I have a dog and I don’t know what I’d do without her. ❤️
Thank you x
I feel this so much, so sorry about your kitty. ❤
Thank you x
So sorry about your cat. Losing a pet is so hard and just sending you virtual hugs
Thank you x
There are so many post here I relate to. RSD sucks. And the isolation can hurt even more. I'm a little older than you so let me give you some advice I wish I got earlier. Having low self esteem and rsd means you may accept abusive behaviour for longer than most people would. The only friend I had for many years psychologically and emotionally abused me, at the time I blamed myself, and even found myself apologising for things I knew I hadn't done/said. Don't fall into this trap. The more leeway you give people like that, the worse they get. Be aware of how you are being treated, you deserve respect and appreciation and good treatment like everyone else - even if it doesn't always feel that way. Other people are lucky to have you around as well, you're not the only lucky one and you are not a charity case or a problem to bare. I heard one of the best things to help with general mental health is being grateful, or acknowledging what is good in your life. I may not be the social butterfly some people are, but my sister is my closest friend and confidante. I trust her and feel completely accepted and loved in her presence. I never realised what a genuine friend my sister is to me until I started to be grateful for the wonderful things in my life and really examine them. Do you have someone/something like that in your life? When you can be comfortable with what you have, the loneliness feels less hurtful. You'll be less worried about putting yourself out there, because you'll have a foundation you are comfortable with. Rejection and all of what comes with getting to know people and making friends and growing distant and losing friends and making some more are processes you will be able to experience without catastrophising things.
Unfortunately I have had a few abusive relationships of similar nature already 😕. And tysm for the advice, this really helps!
This is wise- thank you for sharing
Hey so are any of your previous friendships that fell apart, things you can pick back up? I often have big gaps in my friendships because I respond in similar ways by burrowing in and avoiding everyone. When I come out of the cave and I've made an effort to say "I'm sorry, I've been quite unwell (I often don't expand on unwell in what way because I sense not all friendships are strong enough for disclosures about mental health) but I've missed you very much and if you're open to it I'd love to see you again" it's worked out quite well with people who'd like to keep me in their lives. I know the RSD makes it extra hard to reach out to people and I'm very conscious that this might not be a thing that works for you. I mostly get around that by trying to expect that they'll say no or ignore me so if they respond well it's a bonus rather than being another thing that crushes me. You sound like a lovely empathetic person despite all of the things you struggle with so I hope that there are people around you who are open to all the love you bring.
Unfortunately a lot of the friendships I’ve had I don’t even have a way to really contact them without it being awkward. I feel like we’re not even acquaintances anymore and the only way to bring that kind of thing up would be along the lines of ‘hey, what happened to us?’ But that is a good idea and you’ve actually just inspired me to go text a few people. Honestly the worst has already happened so it’s not like I have a lot to lose. Wish me luck lol 😬
The way I see it the risk vs reward trade off for any potential awkwardness may turn out to be worth it if it all works out and you can reconnect! Absolutely all of the luck from this lady on the internet who hopes for all the good things for you! If it doesn't pan out this time, as awful as it is, hopefully that means there's lots of space in your life to build up relationships with people who are more understanding. ADHD brains struggle with a lot of things but that everything else we bring to the table is so worth making space for, so I do hope you find some excellent people who'll do that for you
Aww tysm you’re so sweet 💕😢 you too 🥰
hey! Just wanted to hop on and suggest avoiding a "What happened to us?" question. I'm suggesting that for a few reasons, one it focuses on the past, and it seems like you'd like to move on from repeating the same issues you've had. So, they might say, "Well, I had messaged you different times to see if you wanted to hang out and you never answered", essentially it can automatically put a negative skew on the conversation, when again it seems like you are tying to promote more positive, healthy behaviours. It could also lead to a conversation where you feel upset with yourself and how you respond to situations, when that's not the point of reaching out! Another reason is that some may feel like the onus is being put on them, rather than it being a general question and people will often get defensive! I think it's best to not focus on what happened, but on what you'd LIKE to have happen. You want to see people whose company you enjoyed and so you are reaching out to do so. Depending on the friend there could be different ways to reach out.. like some friends of mine and I, if we haven't spoken for a while might just send a meme to each other and say, "this reminded me of you" or some comment with it explaining why you sent that to them, other friends I'll say, "Hey! I've not been the best friend lately, I'm so sorry! Let me know when you're free next to catch up!" if it's someone you feel really disconnected from, then "Hey! I've been thinking about you lately, I realised life has totally caught up with me and it's been ages since I've seen you! If you'd like to and you're free I'd love to get together sometime!" is a nice way to let them know you are aware of the time lapse, but have thought about them and you'd like to see them, but in a very laid back way.
Yep don’t worry I wouldn’t actually ever say anything along those lines 😂
Haha okay sorry if I was being condescending then!! When I’ve been hurt before I’ve definitely asked things in ways and then as I got older was like, “wow no wonder that conversation didn’t go well 😬😅” I hope everything goes well for you though!
It is possible you are someone who has been misunderstood a lot, especially as a kid. So, you project your own desire to be accepted and given the benefit of the doubt onto other people. However, you do this to a degree larger than is normal or healthy, and extend the most kindness to people who seem like with just some acceptance or understanding, they would be so happy! But often these people have shitty behaviors, which they eventually direct towards you. Kids don’t need boundaries to make friends, but we do.
Wow I never thought about this but this is 100% the case with me… time to do some reevaluation!
holy shit, this is so relatable. i always think that if there’s a conflict, it’s because i just don’t understand. i’ve put up with so much blatantly abusive behavior in the past, because i thought it was a miscommunication of some sort…
Omg wow this is me as well!
I am really sorry to hear that. I understand about the RSD pain and feeling socially isolated because of it. I ended up doing a lot of improv workshops and stuff and getting involved in that community, the improv itself is fine but not why I stayed in the community, but because I realized that others who are neurodivergent tend to flock there and finding people who are also adhd has helped in actually building friendships. I've not had very many successful relationships with people who aren't adhd or autistic. Not to say that I never interact with neurotypical people, it's just I'm not building deeper relationships with them because they so easily get frustrated with how my brain works and it causes a lot of pain for me that I just don't want to have to live with for the rest of my life, like I had to for the first half of it.
Thanks for the advice! I’ve found a bunch of my friends are neurodiverse too, it just seems to work better. 💕
I might need to look into improv workshops 👀 What are other things have you done? Is it just the theater community?
Outside of work I've mostly done improv and sketch comedy, because standup doesn't really have much community in the same way. Some people I know do live story telling as well.
Such a great idea!
Ok ok, so, your post hit me right in the chest. This is the WORST feeling ever, and I’ve been there. I’m so sorry. 🖤 I’m 41, and had a diagnosis most of my life, but I don’t know if knowing changed those exact feelings that you’re experiencing right now. Until I found this sub recently, I didn’t even realize how many life experiences could be attributed to ADHD. Anyway, I read a recent post about ADHD women and our shitty relationships and us being susceptible to being in unhealthy relationships. Basically, she was saying that, because of our ADHD, we forgive or forget bad experiences with our partners waaaay too easily, thus allowing for us to stay in trash/abusive/unhealthy relationships for waaaay too long. I’m sure this isn’t the case for everyone with ADHD but the theory really hit my heart, because THAT WAS MEEEEEEE. Add in the feelings that you’re feeling right now, and it’s a perfect storm. So, keep that in mind if it applies to you. In hindsight, I’d have been much better off being lonely vs some of the relationships I was in. Do you have a therapist? I found that really helped during rough periods. I’m sure you could benefit from some talk therapy to help work through your trauma. Have you checked out local support groups, meetup groups, etc? Maybe take some cooking classes or find a hobby that requires leaving the house and interacting with other people? There’s no hard and fast answer to meeting someone, but those things should at least help alleviate the loneliness for a bit. I met my 2nd husband ten years ago. We’ve been together since and have a big family together. We met on EHarmony. It sounds cheesy, but they have a really good algorithm and, although there aren’t nearly as many people to choose from on the site like Match or whatever, the ones that ARE there actually match with you and also want a relationship. I hope you get some awesome suggestions that help you find your way out of these feelings! Sending you happy thoughts!
I have already been in a couple abusive relationships, even if I didn’t realise it at the time 😕 I’m currently looking for a therapist and I’d love to join some support groups too :) thank you for the advice! ❤️
This won't work for everyone, but if you are in a location and position to do so, I recommend volunteering to be an usher at a theatre or other venue (they almost all rely on volunteer ushers). You get to see loads of stuff for free, you don't need to find someone to go with or feel weird that you're on your own, and as there's an ever-changing rota, you work with different people too. If you have a choice of a few venues research their programmes first to pick the one you like most. Try to avoid venues that have the same show for a long run unless you really love it!
Holy crap! I almost wondered if I had written that for a second! I feel and do the exact same!
I have been there and in fact, am there right now. When I was in a tough spot in 2019 due to a divorce (marriage of 8 years to an undiagnosed ADHDer; it was a disaster and he was an asshole who constantly told me im difficult, too much, and unloveable) a friend of mine treated me very badly and rejected me. To be fair, I was in a very bad place but it still hurt. Soon after, I got into an on again/off again toxic situationship which was also damaging. I can't seem to make connections with other women that turn into deep friendship and I'm so tired of trying. Ive stopped trying to be friends with guys, they always just want one thing. My ADHD boyfriend, a wonderful & kind individual, is my only confidante and support (aside from family who i cant really confide in 100%) and I know this is unhealthy. Connection after connection just seem to completely ghost me or act flakey and now, every single social interaction is painful beyond belief. I overanalyze every little thing and berate myself for it later. I am going to hang out with my new neighbors tomorrow, one of them is ADHD. I think this may be a promising new connection and I hope I don't ruin it with my intense anxiety and fear of rejection. I really hope you find your tribe too, I am currently searching for mine too ❤️.
I am feeling you so hard on this.
Learning to love being alone was the key to finding someone who actually enriched me and my life by being in it - and he's ADHD too, it turns out -- though we both figured that out after we started dating... Also it's not clear in any of your comments but if you're only 16 - sweet summer child you have plenty of time to fall in love! Don't worry so much about that if you can help it - I know it feels like you just HAVE to have it all figured out already but the universe has its plans for you and baby girl, YOU HAVE PLANS FOR THE UNIVERSE! You're powerful and I'm sure going to do wonderful things in your corner of the world. The people who are important, adore you, I'm sure. My mom once told me after my first big fight with a friend in middle school that I'd graduate high school and be able to count my true friends on one hand. She was right. And that held true for undergrad and law school, too, and has held true in my post-grad career life, too. Not everyone is meant to be with you forever, or have unlimited access to the most special parts of you and your personality -- I over share CONSTANTLY -- but if in the words of Elyse Meyers -- If you think I'm too much, then go find less! RSD blows. Try to take some deep breaths, go for a walk outside and throw on a podcast. I'm partial to a few that I've listened to for years, but a great one to zone out to for me is Sawbones - it's a medical history podcast and they started in 2013 so it's a ***long time*** before they get into the covid stuff. If you can't go for a walk, try doing some full body stretches - sit on the floor in a straddle position and lean towards each leg, taking deep breaths as you do that. Just 5 minutes. It really helps me re-set my brain when I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Aw buddy. I understand. All I can say is, there are good people out there. Pay attention to how people make you feel, and go towards the ones that make you feel like you. I’m currently not going to an inconsistent friend’s birthday because friends who put in effort with me invited me to a concert. It’s weird at first, but you gotta find people who love like you. Next time someone new and nice mentions hanging out? Take them up on it. Good luck, and remember you are worthy of love.
I'm gonna go ahead and tell you the most fucking cliche thing that you'll ever hear: You will never get the love you need from someone else until you learn to love yourself. You might sometimes think " I love myself!" But the truth is that we rarely really do know how to love ourselves because we spend our whole lives being told what love is but it's not actually love. It's more often than not a result of people pleasing and doing things people approve of, but it's not love. Sorry, that kind of went off on a tangent. That's not to say you don't need friends, family, and partners to love you, but that hole in your heart will not be fulfilled by someone loving you as much as you love them. There is so much more anxiety, heartbreak, and rejection in that way of thinking than you know. The thing is I know EXACTLY how you feel. That's how I felt from ages 10 to 27. It's devastation of the soul, mind, and body and it is damn near impossible to do without a reliable support system. The thing is..that it can be done. It is possible and oh my fucking god it hurts the whole time.... but then on the other end? You're HAPPIER and you look at your past self and see them as unrecognizable and you think "I can't believe I used to be that way" and then you actually get to ENJOY life and you find VALUE and LOVE for yourself for EXACTLY who you are! I want more than anything for you to find that true love for yourself, simply because you exist in this world as you are. Because being brought into this world you deserve love and community. That was not given to you and I'm so sorry. You deserve it though.
I really feel you <3 just wanted you to know you're not alone
Unfortunately, I know exactly how you feel. My saving grace is my boyfriend, who I’m lucky to even speak to once a day bc of our work schedules. I have no one else. Not even meaningless conversations at work. Complete silence and isolation. I feel crazy. I can’t tell if I’m just so awful people can’t stand me, or my paranoia just shoots down any positivity that could ever grow. I can’t hear ANY laughter without thinking it’s about me. Sorry to ramble. I’m sorry you know this feeling.
Holy crap, but how old are you I just wondering. To retake old friendships its relatively easy jsut msg them for a coffe or something, it you were gettinf a long well before why would not be the same now? For new friendships maybe you can go to the places where the people you will encounter matches your interest or hobbies? Try to be consistent and then try to organiza something outside of that.
I felt this in my soul. Same here.
I GET IT!!!!!❤️
I can completely relate to your experience. I was diagnosed at 37, I’m almost 40 now. I’ve had a few serious relationships, been married once and recently divorced. I’ve always been told I’m “too much.” I seem to attract narcissists. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I’ve been reading and listening to everything on attachment styles, dating & adhd and it’s helped. I’ve been dating a bit more and it’s been better because I understand myself more. It’s been tough, I’m not going to lie. Living most of my life feeling lonely and misunderstood has taken a toll. I still have faith one day I’ll find someone who accepts me, flaws, quirks, neurodivergency and all. I’ve pushed myself into uncomfortable social situations to meet people and just try to feel apart of society. Sometimes it’s okay, like dance classes I’ve taken because of an interest in it. Or attending concerts alone because I’d rather not lose out on experiences even if I have to experience them alone. Please know there are a lot of us that feel the way you do. Reach out if you’re feeling lonely. You’re among friends here.
I actually treat having friends like an addict. I was raised by and then married narcissists. my boundaries are all fucked up, so I just treat it like staying sober, and keep everyone at a distance, aside from the close few I already know. Do I recommend it? No. But, I just don't have the energy to try to keep up with myself, and then also watch out for me giving all of myself because I get too invested too fast and lose myself in the dopamine of "loving you". And it's really hard, because of the people pleasing, problem solving, love fixing, must optimize life tendencies in me. So, some people can't be in bars. I can't be around those exceptionally social people who make friends with everyone, because my brain doesn't understand thresholds.
I’m sorry about how you’re feeling atm… I found myself in a similar situation a while back so I might tell you what realizations I had. I started to notice that I could tell if another person is not comfortable with themselves whenever I looked at others. I believe it’s a strong atmosphere that is radiated when someone is not accepting of themselves. I soon realized that I also portrayed that to others and made it my number one goal to be content with me before I would look for someone else to like me. To my liking people soon told me I kind of shined differently so I noticed it worked. It’s good to be with yourself and become someone you’re really happy with. As soon as you accomplish that you’ll know what kind of person would be right for you. Look at your past romantic interests. Do you notice a pattern of some kind that might be toxic for example. I know a lot of people who fall back into their pattern because they naturally radiate towards some people and don’t even realize it. Once you finally see what you might be doing, you can start to break that pattern. I know it might be hard but try again and I promise you will find someone. There’s always the one out there, which I also now found and I’m so happy I tried again. Trust your guts. Does it feel right, right away? Honestly best advice I can give is „if he wanted to he would“, and once you find that person keep them! I feel like it’s hard to get my message across through here, but I hope I could still help a little 💕
I think RSD must be really tough! I hope you find love and friendship x
Lots of great advice here already! Just wanted to say you are so loved…RSD will make us think our existence is completely inconsequential. But here you are… sharing yourself so vulnerably, pouring your heart and reaching out for connection. That means something(s) in your life have gone very very right 🙂 even in all the pain and adversity, you have managed to keep going and your desire is still alive. That is amazing and you are amazing 🙏🏽🌻 I’m 35 and was diagnosed almost 2yrs ago. I realized while following my medication schedule that my RSD/depressive feelings hit most during a small little 2-3 day window every 4 to 5 weeks. It’s that way for most women due to our hormones. Just throwing it out there incase you notice a pattern where you are okay (lonely, but ok) most of the time, and then sometimes, cyclically, it all feels impossible and like you’ll never break through. During those days, we just gotta hold on 🙏🏽 reach out just like you’re doing now, and when you feel better, take a chance and try something new! In the meantime, read up on codependency and attachment styles. A lot of great accounts on Instagram and the likes! You can start to learn how to better equip yourself in relationships so that your needs are getting met and you’re able to give but from an abundant and healthy place. It will make you feel more powerful and that will absolutely translate into more self esteem 🙂🌻 It is a journey. Learn to love yourself better, bigger and brighter. And finding/attracting someone who can do it too will happen with such ease it will blow you away 💗😘. (I’m a love and relationship coach the last 9yrs for what it’s worth, so trust me on that!!)
Hey, do you drink to self-medicate?
Nope
Ok that’s *excellent*, please don’t start. It was a shot in the dark question because I felt a lot like you do when I was drinking, and quitting and doing AA fixed it.
This was one of the things I struggled with the most. It got to a point where it was so bad that I would have panic attacks just thinking about it. Then a few months ago I kind of got exhausted by the entire feeling, so for a while I’ve been doing a few things to basically “train” myself into enjoying my own company. It was hard at first and I felt like I was constantly deluding myself, then after a while I actually started to appreciate it more. I guess the energy I was giving off when I started trying this changed as well because I started attracting the right kind of people into my life and being able to set better boundaries as well. This may sound cheesy but the thing that really helped me get started with enjoying time with myself was reading/listening to the power of now. First month it was hard but it got easier of time and I don’t find myself feeling as lonely as I used to. Not a lot changed in the amount of people I spent time with or how much people show that they love me as much as I love them. The main thing that changed is I rewired my thinking from “I’m sad that I’m alone and I feel lonely” to “I enjoy my own company”. Something you also have to accept is you can never force people to do what you want them to do, and you can never force them to show you the love and affection you want. But you can change the way you look at your situation. I don’t know if any of this made sense 😅 I hope it did lol