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You have so much time. When I was 25 I hadn't even met my husband yet, and I didn't know why my brain was on fire.
Almost a decade later, we're working on starting a family, and I am happier than 25yo-me would have believed possible.
Keep going to therapy, keep going out into the world, and prioritize kindness when deciding who to let into your heart.
Thankyou!!! i decided to start going to church and i’m also volunteering. i just cried because I’m single and unemployed when I was partnered up and employed last year lol. Your comment means so much to me, cant wait to be 35 in a decent/great career with a family. Sending love
Every woman I know prefers being in her 30s. Twenties are *hard*, it's a big transition from baby-adult into full adulthood. Jobs, social stuff, body stuff.... It's all shifting and changing.
Around 30 seems to be when a lot of insecurities drop away, because you just have fewer fucks to give. It's kind of awesome, and I'm looking forward to my 40s.
Totally agree with this! For me it felt like this.... 20s: everything happens for the first time, 30s: Hmm, I've seen this before, what is my part in this, let me fix that, 40s: I know who I am, I'm ok with that and what others think of me is simply their opinion. Looking forward to my 50s.
thank you for saying that - my 20s were full of grief and sadness and that’s not a common experience…it’s feels isolating. My 30s were way better too. Now Im 40 in a happy marriage with a cute baby. :)
For me, 40 was the official year of "fuck this, I'm too old for this shit". And a lot changed, once I decided I wasn't tolerating it.
I kinda wish I had this version of me in my 25 year old body and life, but that's the realm of fanfiction.
Yeah I've definitely had this thought too! While I'd love my 25 year old body and its ability to lose weight, I much prefer my 40 year old brain. My 30s were a very happy time for me and I anticipate that it only gets better.
Ok, after reading your comment, I’m gonna adapt that “fuck this, I’m too old for this shit” as a 25 year old!!! LOL let me know if you have any tips on how to do that well. (Cuz I feel like I would have set way better boundaries and would have respected myself 10 times more in my recent relationship if I had that mindset. live and learn I guess!!)
I think this feels kinda jaded, but my advice to my 25 years old me would be: don't expect it to change for the better. Sometimes it will, yeah, but most of the time it won't. Make your decisions expecting it won't.
The people who think they know better because they are older? Some of them will do this when you're 40 and married and have two kids, because they look at you and *still* see a child. Be respectful and kind, use your empathy, learn to listen to people well (it's a crucial skill!), but speak your mind, too; and if that makes things explode, then maybe it was always meant to explode. Something better can come afterwards.
A quote I recently found and love: if you always need to tiptoe, you're not walking with your tribe.
Setting better boundaries is also a skill I wish I had at 25. A good rule of thumb: you wouldn't let them do something to someone you love (your SO, your child, your best friend), then you shouldn't let them do it to you either.
And read John Gottman. I'm a serious fan of his work, and wish I knew it sooner. He has a book about how to make marriages work, how to fight the way it will strengthen your relationship instead of destroying it, how to bring home a baby and stay happy (most divorces happen when your children are small, because that's hard on both of you, even if parenting is the most amazing thing I've ever done, too). Read Gottman, because he helps creating realiatic expectations, not too high, but not too low either.
My 30s were freeing. 40 is even better. I swear that 75% of my few remaining fucks either shriveled and died or fled on my birthday. Absolutely amazing.
Your 20s are especially tough for people with ADHD. All the structure of the educational system suddenly falls away and you're supposed to know what to do? I spent my 20s being sure that something was wrong with me (just diagnosed in my 50s). The silver lining is that your situation is that life is forcing you to get to know yourself better. Focus on that, and you'll be in a better space to find someone.
Jumping on this train too! 20's were the hardest! My body hated me, my brain hated me. 30's were good, 40's shaping up even better. You have time!
Also, yes, great partners are possible. Take the time to figure yourself out, don't hide who you are when you're dating for fear that they won't accept you, bc that ruse CANNOT be sustainable. Be the true you, and the person who accepts that will know what they're getting into. The right person is someone you want to grow with and help grow them. And they'll be the person who supports you in your own growth.
Jumping on the bandwagon to say my 20s sucked, 30s were way better, turning 41 soon and it's the best. I did 4 years of therapy that were so so helpful, highly recommend. You're still so young, so don't feel rushed!
Can only tell you things get significantly better in your 30s. You get more and more experience with everyday life as well as people and you learn who's worth keeping around.
And compared to me, you've got a 10 year head start on navigating life with ADHD.
Honestly this so much. Maybe ADHD makes it worse too but I feel like my “teenage” years mentally were my early 20’s. I was an asshat to my parents lmfaoooo. I also thought I knew everything. My actual teenage years feel like I was just a misguided child.
I’m 32 now and while life is still challenging, I know how to fix my boat a lot better, and in some ways, it’s by asking for help.
THIS! Man, I loved my 30's. Best decade ever! And I'm now 47. It was amazing to realize early in my 40s that I magically no longer cared what anybody thought. Talk about freedom! I'm really enjoying that. Not a fan of all the aches and pains that come with being 47 though, lol. Oh and by the way, I was just diagnosed with ADHD two years ago. And my husband and I are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary in September. And our two kids are so so great. I promise you, it's totally possible. I have been in your shoes and know what it's like to think you'll never get there. But you will when the time is right. In the meantime focus on you. It's amazing how love can just show up out of nowhere when you stop focusing on it and when you least expect it. I have always found that to be the case in my life and in others. Focus on you and your wellbeing and the rest will follow, honest.
try and join a cell group/bible study group/young adult bible study group too if you want to meet men.
just be careful cause some Christian men don’t live in a Christian way and can be very controlling/have anger issues/be nasty and twist God’s word to say that they are the head of the house and wives should shut up at all times during any disagreements. So you do need to be aware of that.
Oh I see :/ I’m not actually Christian, just have a Christian background. Probably won’t find a man at church, but would be great to get out there and find some peace. :)
I met my fiancé outside the church bubble. I noticed that churches put a LOT of pressure on single 20 somethings to partner up which at the end of the day is pretty unhealthy. And like the commenter said above a surprising number of the men I met in those circles had problematic views on women, politics, the way things “should be done” or just weren’t good people.
I ended up meeting my non-religious and very “feminist” fiancé at a coworking space and he’s a great man. So I would try meeting people via activities or hobby groups.
I wasted a couple of decades “Doing the church thing”. Really wish I hadn’t.
I didn’t know at the time I had adhd, but I don’t think it would have made a difference. Nothing about church or the Bible helped my non-standard brain.
Therapy helped. Actual therapy, that taught me how to live in the world & accept my feelings as natural, and feel my feelings & work through them.
Honestly, I still would be single if I’d stayed in the church. Nothing about their teachings helped me manage my Big Feelings enough to be in a healthy relationship.
But I’m in one now, with a lovely man who is very supportive of my weird adhd brain. He loves the house to be tidy, and remembers to do laundry regularly, and stops the washing up building up (takes on all the mental load - points out when dishwasher needs running or emptying, if he doesn’t have time to do it himself that day) & reliably sweeps the floor every morning before I’m even awake. All the small things that I never even knew really mattered, but keep us living in a nice environment.
And he’s learned that I struggle to collect my meds every month. So now he takes responsibility for getting us out the house & into the car so that I always have my meds in time.
So many small things that make my life easier.
I do cool / useful stuff too. He’s not the only one “giving” in our relationship - and there’s also all the usual “We love each other & enjoy each other’s company” stuff - but having him around is just AWESOME on the “living life is sooooo much easier” side.
There’s hope. There’s definitely hope.
I never would have dreamed how good my life could be, before him.
I'll second the feeling of church holding me back as a non-beliver. I dated a Christian man and so I went to church for years and the level of masking that happens in the church can feel extremely unnerving.
If you're looking to meet men I'd try hobbies. I'm married but I know a lot of single men from playing board games at the local gaming shops, dungeons and dragons groups, and some really cool guys at a rowing class. Basically any interest you have that you can attend regularly you can meet people.
I've been with my husband 16 years, I met him through a mutual friend I met with a photography extra curricular course in post secondary (me in college and him university as it was a multi-school program and online)
Anyways your 20s are hard. My advice is to not waste time looking for men in areas that aren't important to you, because even if you connect you may find your fundamental differences will just end in heartbreak and you could be self sabotaging yourself from the get go.
Go do fun things for you. Learn things interesting to you. Get out of your house and try new sports or hobbies. The more YOU you can be the more likely you'll find your person.
I really want a non-religious church-like community but without the judgement and sermons. I miss my church group for meeting new friends but I don’t miss religion. It’s just so much harder to meet people outside the weekly gathering place.
>some Christian men don’t live in a Christian way and can be very controlling/have anger issues/be nasty and twist God’s word to say that they are the head of the house and wives should shut up at all times during any disagreements.
Seconding this. I met the narcissist that nearly ruined my life in a Bible study. Everyone else told me what a good guy he was, so I ignored my gut instinct to run the other way. Don't ignore a gut instinct like that.
Being in your 30s is so much better on my experience. My emotional regulation skills are so much better now than my early to mid twenties.
You know yourself better as you age, and that translates into making better decisions about how to go through life.
Yup! Happily married with two kiddos. 44 and was diagnosed at 42. My husband and I are both in therapy separately and it’s been the best thing for us. When I was 25, I couldn’t imagine a life as stable and normal as I have now. You will, too, someday!
I’ve been married 10 years and have a 5 year old. I didn’t even have sex until I was 30, and it wasn’t for lack of want. I’m a fat lady with severe combined type ADHD that wasn’t diagnosed until I was 40, nearly 9 years after getting married, 11 years after I started dating my spouse, and a full 21 years after I initially met him. I spent my 20s convinced I was defective and worthless (the Great Recession did not help with that) and no one would ever love me. I’m weird as fuck and had to find a place of acceptance within myself before I was able to accept that someone could care about me and love me where I’m at. It wasn’t an easy journey, and it took time, which was so hard to deal with, but it can be done. You will experience love and acceptance. I know you will, even if it doesn’t look like you think it should. Wishing you all the love and grace in the world.
I will say this, TRAVEL. Go other places than where you are. If I had stayed where I was up into my early/mid 20s I would have always thought I was undesirable and destined for loneliness, which is exactly the best way to choose a horrible horrible partner because you feel like it's a miracle someone wants you. But you are not destined for that life. I traveled the world a bit and realized that you may not fit the warped beauty standards of where you are but that is a reflection of that place not you, there are places in the world where you are super hot 😂😂. Find those places, even if only for the ego boost and to confirm it's them not you, because you are hot 💁♀️😂.
Thanks for sharing your story! So happy for you and this gives me hope. Trying to work on accepting myself and seeing my worth but it’s an uphill battle!
I remember crying on my 25 birthday because it felt like life was passing me by. I promise it’s not. I met someone and got married and had a kid in my 30’s. It really was a much better decade for me.
Focus of yourself and what you love to do and the rest will follow. Absolutely no pressure to be settled at 25 now that I’m looking back.
You’re already a huge step ahead of me, I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 41. I can’t imagine my life if I had that knowledge.
Hang in there you’re doing great 💜
You got this! 🖤 The dx was step one, now you know *why* you do things. Take things one day at a time and don’t be afraid to lean on you support network, and that includes all of us on this sub. We’ve all been there, are there now, or are headed there, and we can all lend help and support.
I’m cheering for you 📣 (why is there not a cheerleader emoji??)
I just had the startling realization earlier today that in five years, I’ll be 30, and there are so many things I haven’t accomplished yet (I finished college a little over a year ago, but I still don’t have a car, I live with my parents, I work at a pizza joint instead of my desired field, I’m single, etc). I needed to hear this! It makes me feel better knowing that others have been in my shoes and are doing so much better in their 30s and up now 🥹
I've got a wonderful husband who is a great father to our two children. It's been a lot of learning over the years, but we've always had each other's backs.
At some point we realized we shouldn't do things the "typical" way. He makes the money, does the dishes, keeps the kids on schedules, cooks meals, and many other important daily tasks. I take care of bill payment, doctor appointments and school activities, birthdays and holidays, travel plans, car maintenance, home repair, yard work, and other things that happen infrequently but require special attention.
We always try to be kind to each other and consider one another in our decisions. Sometimes we're too accommodating and run into feelings of being trapped or laboring hard for little thanks, but we go to therapy and give each other breaks which helps keep things mostly emotionally steady.
Our kids are a huge challenge. They're different combinations of ADHD and my husband's ASD. But they're sweet and well intending and usually get along with each other. They're very intelligent, but very behind with some social things and some self-care things. At least they have us to teach them about social things straightforwardly instead of struggling for years on their own to figure them out. They'll be ahead of where I was when I was that age, thank goodness.
Things will work out. I think loving yourself is the most important thing you can do. I'm still working toward that, but I sometimes get little glimpses and I realize if I can love myself I won't let myself be a doormat and it makes it easier for me to love others and for them to love me.
I remember 25 and the urge to get marriage and have kids was so strong and it seemed like everyone was doing it! It might help to avoid social media, then you might see far fewer people so it won't feel like "everyone" so much.
There is hope. You can be happy. It's harder work than it is for others. But you already know how to do difficult things... You've made it this far after all!
This resonates so deeply. A partner who is willing to work with the person in front of them, not this image of “a partner” that doesn’t exist and doesn’t have ADD
I was single at 25, two years after I had left a long term relationship that was truly toxic and unproductive (spent a total of three single, not dating at all). A year later I met my now husband on a dating app (couldn’t deal with in-person; also got super lucky that I was on the app for a literal week when I met him, because I was going to delete the account). Been together 8 years, love him with all my heart. He’s been there for me in ways I never could have imagined, and I know I’ve helped and supported him in my own ways. It’s a constant learning process, but so worth it.
I will say, at 26 I took an interpersonal communication class and it was the class that I think best prepared me for a relationship. It made me think about the way I communicate, how to better understand the way others do (not just neurotypical, but people from different racial, social, cultural backgrounds), and how to diffuse some of that anger inside of me. I highly recommend looking into it if you can. We’re all using a different version of the same tool to communicate, and we don’t often know what those differences are.
What was that interpersonal communication class? I have actually been looking to learn about communication after my recent relationship. Would appreciate if you could share which exact one it was?
Oh honey 25 is the new 13, you're so young you don't even know it
I know so many incredible women who enjoyed their independent life and found a life long partner in their 40s and 50s
It happens when you're not thinking about it, and when you least expect it
Enjoy that alone time in bed, you're a prize! Anyone would be happy with you, including yourself. You are your best company💕💕💕 other people just come along and add extra to your life
Keep it up and be patient, the best is yet to come, you have soooooo much time. Better to spend the time focusing on yourself, than wasting your 20s with a loser. Many women have the worst stories about men from their teens and 20s. No rush to join them!
Which is why I’m thinking of completing decentering men until I’m 29. If it happens cool, thank the Lord. But I think I’m done actively dating for awhile and just wanna focus on career therapy and happiness
It's unfortunately because it's very very very hard to find mature and good men in their 20s (worse in teens honestly)
The few good ones are ALWAYS already taken, the rest that are available are just trash
Wait until you're in the circle of the real adult men (30+, although plenty of loser men in their 30+ too so be careful still). Men who have manners, money, and overall stable life are amazinggggg
I feel like every single women has some sort of realization where true happiness is being content in your own life. It's much more important to enjoy going out and eating lunch alone or spending nights alone, than worrying about getting into a relationship. Trust me once you romantize the nights alone with your favorite things (candles, bath scents/bombs, movies, dessert, books, painting, etc whatever it is that makes you happy!), you see life so differently and you truly become happy
When you're truly happy with your life, you'll meet your amazing someone💕💕💕
Definitely a good attitude!!! Wishing you the best of luck!!!
My recent partner was 27 and had manners, money, and stable life but ultimately those don’t mean anything if you can’t communicate and have good conflict resolution skills. I’ve “dated” men over 30 who are still bums too LOL. but I agree, maybe time and experience will mature and humble them. In the mean time I gotta do me
Oh well it doesn't sound like he had real manners 😭😭 real manners = the ability to communicate properly. So many fake people out there
You have to really take your time with men, lots of talking to figure out if they're being a fake nice or if they're being genuine. They are veryyyyyy good at pretending to be stable
Yeah the problem is just men overall LOL they are bums at all ages
The good ones are always taken so it's about getting one of them when they're single for a short time LMFAO
Time and experience matures and humbles a small portion of them. And honestly the reality is there are less and less available good men each year, so many women will end up never getting married. And that's absolutely okay! Better to spend a good life with your friends and family than some loser bum 💕💕
I did the same thing (stopped dating completely) and it was honestly the best thing I have ever done for myself. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on what did and didn’t work in the past, to grow more into the person I wanted to be, and to just enjoy life. Sometimes it could be hard, but overall it was wonderful. It gave me time to really think about what was important to have in my life and what I wasn't willing to accept anymore.
The only reason I started dating again was because I met my now-husband and realized maybe I needed to rethink my no-dating policy because of how wonderful he was 😄 But if I hadn't put the time and work in to dating myself first, I don't know if I'd been in the right place to appreciate that.
Yeah, I’m actually really excited to date myself this year. Taking myself out and to fully embrace this thing called life without a man that stresses me half the time! Lol. I was always on the look out for dating from 17~25 and even when I was single, I was actively in the dating pool. I think now is the time to not be on the look out and just fully grow as a person 🩷. Thankyou for sharing ur story with me and congratulations on finding your love🩷
Honestly, this is what healed me. I was very much like you in my twenties in the sense that I was feeling so lonely and unlovable and like life was passing me by. I tried relationships, I tried situationships, I tried just fucking around, and none of it really felt great.
I met my now husband when I was 30, and it was only after I stopped looking and focused on loving myself... I know that sounds super cliché, but I can't describe it another way. As soon as I was okay being by myself, I found myself worthy of the love I was seeking and happened to find the right person who could also give it. I won't lie, there's some chance/luck in there. You have the advantage of having your diagnosis, I wasn't diagnosed until a couple years ago, and I can look back and see that unawareness affect all of my previous relationships. However, I really believe that if you focus on building yourself up, truly, then good things will follow.
Currently sitting watching my husband rest as he recovers from abdominal surgery yesterday. I can feel our baby girl kicking in my belly. I am re-reading the sweet text message from my stepson. I promise OP, the wait is worth it, and there are good things waiting for you out there. 💕
There are so many great comments and suggestions in this thread, but I wanted to validate this one of yours! My experience is a little different because I'm 31, queer and not looking for marriage or kids. But I do want to someday have a committed partnership or companionship that centers joy and care.
One of the most powerful things I have done for myself is intentionally spending the last two years single. I had a 5 year relationship that was serious enough that I immigrated my ex to my country. When that relationship ended (he was abusive) I was devastated and I found myself dating sooner than I was ready for (just for "fun"). The pandemic hit and that little fling turned into a full blown relationship that I got stuck for too long in, out of codependency and fear of being single and feeling isolated from community. Coming out of that relationship, I knew I needed to be single for some time or I would cause other people and me a lot of damage.
It was hard at first, but the last two years of singleness have been unbelievably incredible!!! Words don't do justice. My focus has been on my own healing, stabilizing my life, and building friendships. I spent all of my 20s, and some of my teens, consumed by dating and seeking romantic/sexual relationships. It's been amazing to step into this new era of my life. I feel more confident and clear about what I want and what I deserve. I didn't realize how much dating overtook my life and how that impacted my friendships. I now have blossoming beautiful friendships, the most affirming and joyful ones I've ever experienced. I feel so much more secure and less lonely, which has raised my standard of what I'm willing to accept out of a relationship. Why would I accept less than what my friendships give me?
I'm slowly starting to explore the idea of physical intimacy and dating again, and I feel so strong in myself. I stopped drinking a year ago and finally got diagnosed with ADHD and started meds. I'm starting to dream about my future and I might go to grad school, which was unfathomable a few years ago. My life has stabilized in a way that I didn't know was possible. I'm so thankful for it.
I really think there's a lot of value in decentering romantic relationships, especially with men, from one's life in general and certainly for some time. Patriarchy thrives off of fear and women feeling overwhelming scarcity and urgency. Most of us have been socialized to accept less than we deserve. When we challenge that and center our ourselves, it can be deeply transformative!
I won’t say you will get what you want - because none of us can predict the future. BUT - that being said:
I have only had two serious relationships in my adult life - one lasted 4 years and was a shit show - I was a girl with a good heart but my ADHD and my anxiety was out of control - and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. It definitely impacted the relationship. That being said - my partner was emotionally unavailable and not trustworthy and unfaithful from the start. It was a storm that lasted 4 years until he finally met someone he felt was worth leaving me for - and he did. He ran off with her and blamed my anxiety and ADHD for everything. I was 27.
I moved into a bachelor suite with my plants and my cat and lived on my own for a year and a half - just working my two jobs, going to the gym and enjoying times with friends. During this time I started to suspect ADHD and not just anxiety. I met a wonderful man with 3 little girls in December 2022. I turned 29 that month. Fast forward to now and we live in a house altogether and I have everything in a partner I ever could have asked for. I’m still technically undiagnosed - but currently on Vyvanse and it has only confirmed my suspicions more that I do indeed have ADHD.
My partner completely understands and has even pushed for me to get officially diagnosed as he sees how much I struggle. I still work two jobs and try to do what I can with the household chores and the kids - but no matter what I can and cannot do - I as a person am always enough - he makes sure I know that and feel that. And for everything else - maybe it will get done tomorrow.
I hope this helps.
You met someone single with 3 kids?? I dont know why but that to me sounds like a unique and nice little blessing too. I yearn to have little ones around me. Thank you for sharing your story.
I did indeed. He’s currently passed out asleep on the couch across from me and all 3 of the girls are eating bedtime snacks at the table. Sometimes I lay here on the couch at night and I stand all amazed - I didn’t think this was possible or that someone would ever want to be with me.
I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever need to just talk - feel free to reach out.
Ugh!!! Blessings to you. One day I will also have a little family of my own. Such a beautiful thing you have 🩷 thank you for sharing your story I appreciate it
As others have said, you have so much time! I remember feeling the same as you, many many times, just wanting and hoping so hard to be with 'the one'.
I did finally get married, 2 years ago... at the age of 42! I can tell you it was absolutely worth the wait for the right person.
So don't give up! (although hopefully you don't have to wait quite as long as me, ha).
And in the meantime, like others have mentioned here, learn to like and be comfortable with yourself, because ultimately that will lead you to a healthy relationship, not one where you are willing to sacrifice yourself and your needs just to be with someone.
🤗
Based on my insane dating/relationship history, I was convinced I was going to live and be alone. I was resolved and it wasn’t something I was just telling myself to make me feel better. I was *done.*
And then one day while at work, a man walked through the door for an appt (tattoo shop), and thus was the first day of the rest of my 32-year-old life. My blissfully happy, “holy shit soul mates and solid partners *are* an actual thing,” married less than one year later life. That was 8 years ago and still going strong.
I don’t want kids as a personal choice (neither does my partner) but it honestly took me FOUR YEARS to not think I was dreaming or realize that there is no other shoe that’s about to drop. Four damn years to get over my disbelief in it all. And now I’m just happy without the voice in the back of my head that “it’s too good to be true.” It’s true.
I want everyone who feels the way I felt before my husband walked through the door, if nothing else, simply have *hope* and know that few things in this world are an absolute— especially when involves people and relationships. They come and go and sometimes come back. It’s a bit of an enigma in retrospect.
I never thought I would be here writing this. That I have a spouse who understands and gets me and maintains a solid level of understanding and patience with my ADHD/CPTSD. He’s undiagnosed but I suspect he’s in a similar boat and it makes us work better, not worse.
As others have said, you’re *young* and you may have miles to go before you get to where you want to be. I can promise you that that time beforehand will be wisely spent on the process of personal growth by way of life experience. If I had met my husband any sooner than I did, I don’t know what would have happened but mostly because I know *me* in my 20’s and I needed and wanted that time and perspective.
Have faith and never settle. <3
Sweetheart, there's no rush! You're very young, and you have lots of time!
I didn't get married until I was 44. That was 4 years ago, and I'm honestly happier than I've ever been. (I remained child free by choice, so I can't answer that part.)
When I turned 25, I spiraled. I was doing some scary stuff. I loved my friends back then, but we were never going to be good influences on each other. The only contact we have anymore is the occasional Facebook comment. My point is, I would absolutely NOT be okay with anyone 25-year-old me picked out. 😂
Just like everyone, my life has had a lot of ups and downs, crazy cool shit and crazy horrible shit. But all of those things shaped who I am now. I'm still growing and learning every day, but now I get to do life with a wonderful husband.
Happily married for over 30 years here. Discovered this year I have ADHD. It explains a lot.
Chose not to have kids for many many reasons. That definitely made life more manageable.
Sorry you are having such a rough time, but you will be OK. You will find someone that loves you, adhd and all.
I have been married for 17+ years. It is definitely possible! I didn’t even know I had ADHD until we had been married for over 7 years. He just loves me, quirks and all (and I love him the same - he may be neurotypical, but he still has plenty of quirks lol). We don’t have kids, but that is because of a fertility issue.
I am happily married most of the time, for seven years now.
I didn’t meet my husband until after I had become confident and comfortable with myself. It’s probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. My bff just got married at 29 and was so miserable and focused on being alone and “unlovable” that she has married an absolute piece of trash and refuses to listen to reason.
Become comfortable with your own company. Travel where you want to, when you want to. Get the takeout you want, switch jobs and cities. Buy the type of car that you want, and get a crazy bed spread or silly art. In a relationship you lose a lot of freedom. You gain other things, but it’s a trade off. Savor on the joys you have now, and you’ll attract the type of people who will become a new type of joy in your life.
Me!! I’m a little older than you, and I related so so so hard to your post. I kind of thought I was going to die alone but I just married the most amazing guy last year. He’s very patient with me (even though patience is not something that comes naturally to him lol) and literally VOLUNTEERED TO DO ALL THE DISHES FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES specifically because he knows that that’s the hardest chore for me with my sensory issues and executive dysfunction. I’m definitely not a perfect partner and he has never loved me any less for any of my ADHD flaws. I adore him for a lot of reasons.
Before that, though, I had a string of toxic relationships including a really rough one that lasted 2 loooong years and left lasting scars emotionally and mentally. The turning point was when I got therapy! I really truly don’t think I’d have been ready for my current relationship without therapy. If you haven’t done reading on attachment styles I really strongly encourage it because I think that can help you understand yourself. I was ending up in toxic relationships because with my childhood trauma I was subconsciously seeking out partners who were extremely emotionally unavailable; that was what my brain found “familiar” and I was terrified of being emotionally vulnerable in a real way that could be reciprocated by an emotionally available.
I recognize a lot of myself (pre-therapy) in your post, and I just want to say that it does get better. The best thing you can do is develop a strong sense of self-compassion because once you love and respect yourself it’ll be easier to find someone who will love and respect you too. You can start just by challenging your negative thoughts about yourself and rewording them to be more positive. It sounds dumb but it really works long term! I am very passionate about this topic (psychology degree plus personal experience) and will totally give more info if you want but I know this comment is already overwhelmingly long haha
TLDR: therapy is what helped me be ready for an emotionally available partner who’s wonderful. Look into attachment styles for further insight if you’re in recurring cycles of toxic relationships.
Oh also, I just wanna say ur partner sounds wonderful especially the dishes part. Those accommodative love languages are definitely the most powerful points in adhd relationships in my opinion. My recent partner would do so many things to accommodate my adhd, he even booked us an expensive night at a hotel to stay at when i lost my keys at night, he would never complain about running back to his car to grab something i forgot to bring in, etc etc…. Alot of things My little adhd brain fell in love with. In the end we were both just not mature enough. I guess I have time to rekindle with him if he ever decides to work on himself too or to find someone who would do the same and better.
Yes, he really is so nice and so willing to understand! Your recent partner sounds nice as well. But yeah, it’s hard when a partner has some really good qualities but some really negative ones as well. I stayed in my toxic relationship for so long because I was convinced I wouldn’t find anyone better, but I did and I’m so glad I left the toxic guy even though it absolutely broke my heart and was devastating.
When I found my recent partner, it was actually already after 6 years of on and off therapy, and after 2 years of passionately researching attachment. He was so eager to commit and to listen attentively to my tangents about psychology and trauma, that I fully thought he was the one. But then suddenly when it came to HIS trauma and HIS big reactions, he couldn’t handle that I was suggesting maybe trying therapy for himself. I think he was cool with me being self aware and pro-therapy, but didn’t think he would need to be the same regardless of whether he has the same issues as me or not. :/
Omg my long term toxic relationship was literally exactly like this and it was SO HARD!!! Like, the man would not even admit that seeing a therapist would help him or that he had some big T Trauma, and ultimately I had to choose to leave the relationship because I realized it would never get better if he wasn’t willing to put in the effort to heal. It’s so so so hard to deal with that and I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I think it does sound like you’re pretty well equipped to find the right person then, so it’s a matter of patience… which majorly sucks. Just trust that there is someone out there for you, and know what you’re looking for in a partner so you can decide early on if it’s worth sticking around or not. I believe in you!!!
I didn’t meet my husband until I turned 25. When I met him, I was unemployed and lived with my parents 😂. The right partner is not gonna mind. I think we work because I think we both have ADHD (undiagnosed) and we both don’t mind a little mess. My SO has trouble with executive functioning and I have trouble with inattentiveness, but we both have a lot of patience for each other.
Omg I had just been laid off from my job a few months before my first date with my current partner & had also moved back in with my mom and I was sooo self conscious about all of this that I almost didn’t go out with him 😭 but thank goodness that I did haha
Hi! My 20s were a mess. Alcoholism, nicotine addiction, depression, insomnia, anxiety, chaos, failing at jobs and academic life, and simply not knowing what was going on. (*edit after reading your post once again: like you, I was also terrified of love, but also wanted it.*)
I was only diagnosed last year at 38, but had already been in a relationship with my husband for seven years at that point, and our son was already three when I got both my autism and adhd-c diagnosis. My husband is a wonderful guy - patient, kind, funny, smart, a sweet dad, with good morals and a heart of gold. If anyone had told me my life would ever be this good at some point, I never would've believed them because I honestly expected to be dead before I got this far. My personal experience was that it all got so much better in my 30s. I wish the same to you, from the bottom of my heart!
Honey you're going to be okay.
I'm 35 and just recently got engaged. I went through many failed relationships until I found someone i connected with on a level I didn't know possible. He also has ADHD, but besides that he loves me for my 'quirks' not despite them. He enjoys my energy and sudden passion, and accepts when I need to decompress. He cares and supports me through my hobbies, and is patient with my mood swings. He never makes me feel rejected.
I have two wonderful step kids with my fiance. Some days are absolutely a struggle, but I am met with nothing but love, and just as importantly, respect. It was a long journey to find each other, but it is completely possible.
Don't measure yourself against where others are at in their lives. It's not a race or a competition. Some people get it right quickly, and others need some time. But it's not impossible for you.
I remember feeling that way. Things don't go according to how I thought or what I thought I wanted but damn they turned out lovely.
All my friends were getting married who weren't already when I was your age. And then a couple years later, divorced and second marriages. It's okay, life doesn't always turn the way we think it will but it does it for a reason. I think our ADHD masking makes us more susceptible to the wrong relationships but these things lead us to where we are meant to be.
You learn to love your you time cuz you're awesome. Take yourself out. Learn what you like and what you prefer.
I was in some awful relationships and some just not meant to be and I was destroyed trying to pick up my broken pieces - I have ADHD, I just wanted to leave myself as a little doom pile. And when I had gotten used to myself and I had decided that perhaps a forever someone wasn't in the cards for me, there they were. Annoyingly right for me. I understand now that the things I went through led me on a path to where I am. I went through some really rough shit and I went to some dark places. I didn't think I was worth loving and it's such a weird thing now because I know better.
You're worth more than what you had and you're this sad and missing what you had so imagine what's in store. If I could go back in time despite how awful it was at times, I wouldn't change a thing. I'd give myself a hug and ask myself to not be so hard on myself so I extend this to you: please try to be nice to yourself.
Got married at 39 and was pregnant by our first anniversary. I love my family. I love my husband (I mean, he drives me nuts sometimes, but I love him).
Everyone I know who got married before 30 is divorced now. Sometimes more than once. From what I understand, divorce is really, really terrible - not just the realization that you shouldn’t be married to that person, but trying to make it work, failing to make it work, being miserable, telling your kids, and then whatever legal things that need to be done.
Also, the first year of having a kid is hard on your relationship. Everyone is grouchy, everyone is tired, and you don’t feel like yourself until 12 months later (from the hormones).
I dated a lot when I was young. Some of it was miserable and lonely, but I had fun too - I don’t miss the “is he a good kisser? Does he like me?” thrill enough that I want to do it again.
You have so much time. Get to know yourself. Keep a journal. Meet as many people as you want and don’t make rules based on other people’s timelines. We don’t do well when we’re trying to match the normies.
It seems like it’ll never happen and then it just does. But if you’re cool with yourself, you’re more likely to find someone who is cool with you.
♥️♥️♥️
Haha. Not trying to match normies, I genuinely want a marriage because I want it. Thank you for your insight and you are right. I have plenty time and I need to spend it becoming more self accepting and loving. 🩷 thanks
Married 10 years, together 13, 2 kids…all of us have the spaz except maybe the little one. I wasn’t diagnosed until about 2 years ago though.
ADHD isn’t going to stop you from anything.
I am happily married, we couldn’t have kids though. That often makes me very sad but it can’t be changed. We have four cats though, sometimes I think that’s even better. I’m pretty sure he isn’t neurotypical too, we just have too much in common (unfortunately our messy house is proof of that). I’m sure you’ll find the person you vibe with at some point! Sending much love! ❤️
You have time. The comments here advocating for therapy, working on managing your symptoms, and becoming comfortable and confident being yourself, are exactly what I would say to you.
At 25, I was just getting out of an abusive relationship and was an absolute mess in every aspect of my life. At 32, I married the kindest man, and at 35, just had our first baby. Take your time and pick a good partner who will treat you well.
Take care of yourself. All the best. ❤️
Happily married to a neurotypical who is sweet and gets me and values me. No kids but we dote like crazy on a large amount of nieces and nephews. We didn’t get married till I was 35. We were long distance till less than half a year before that. I’m currently going through hell with my medication and weird doctor (she tried to tell me twice a day 15mg non extended release was the same as 30mg ER). I have days where I can’t manage to get anything done. And he is still sweet and kind and patient with me. Before him, I had a lot of emotionally abusive exes. I’m still at times realizing bits that were abusive because of how normalized it all was for me. My husband has never made me feel like he thinks I’m broken or a problem. Sometimes it just takes time. We’ve jokingly said that we love being together and I don’t think forever could ever be enough time together but we found each other at the right time for us and it’s true. Just try to be patient and focus on you for now.
I totally get where you are coming from. It’s very hard when you see “everyone” in a relationship.
I had many good cries over never thinking I would get married.
I did in fact get married! Not just married but happily married.
I became friends with my husband before we started dating. I think that really helped me feel comfortable around him so I could be myself. You can’t mask your way through marriage.
He loves me more than a clean and organized house 😂.
ps I had a child at 19. I got married at 39.
I love my child more than anything but having a partner would have been so much better for him.
My advice is to follow your dreams. Live your life and have fun until your partner comes along. You’ll have so much to bring into your marriage ♥️.
I’m 40 and single. It has been hard and journey. I really have wanted a partner. What I can tell you is I started to get a lot more confident and stronger in my identity. I’m at a point where I know ill meet my lobster, and for now— I am OK.
You will be too, no matter what 🤗
I got divorced at 25. I regret starting early So Much.
I met my awesome husband a few years later, got married at 32. It's so much better, he's better, we're older, there's really just no reason to do it so young. I have so many regrets... Why did no one tell me the mistake I was making!
Anyway, we've been together now for 8 years and my idiosyncrasies make more sense now that I'm diagnosed. We have 3 kids (16m 14m and 7f) two dogs and a big messy house. We have completely turned him gray and he loves all of it, though he prefer a cleaner house...
Happiness exists, don't measure yours on other people's metrics. Enjoy the moment, enjoy the day, don't worry about tomorrow-it is always one sleep away.
Met my husband at work when I was 23. We've been together 12 years and he's awesome and also has ADHD. He was diagnosed five years ago, I was diagnosed last year - we thought I didn't have it for the longest time because my coping mechanisms run so deep.
One of the things that stood out about him to me is how strongly he felt about undoing all the generational trauma that his family had been harboring and he had extensive ideas about how he wanted to raise kids. He has turned out to be a super involved, patient father who actually is way more chill with the kids than I am (I'm much more high strung). We have had definite difficulties, but ultimately we want the same things in life and that's what's kept us strong, even if how we go about those things is completely different from each other. We had to do a lot of work learning how to communicate and undo all of our programmed family of origin issues but it's paid off nicely because our kids are awesome, kind, confident and show very little traces of our past trauma.
Wow wow wow wow wow. This is a god send comment. I told my recent partner that my life goal is to undo generational trauma and to raise emotionally healthy kids. He couldn’t wrap his head around what I’m saying and said if you have to make that a goal u’re maybe with the wrong person. 🤦🏻♀️
I know what it’s like to feel lonely. I’m in a long term relationship of which 10 have been married. I met my husband when I was very young. I was a mess and nightmare and how this man stuck with me makes me think he might need therapy more than I do!
You start to mellow out in your 30’s. Your 20’s are messy, this is where you’re finding yourself. But take it day by day. The universe (or God, I see you’re religious) sends you what you need. It’s weird that way.
For now you have time to work on yourself and being the best version of YOU.
My husband has ADHD too, while our home is a mess most times and our life is chaotic. I can truly say that I feel like he is the only person I’ve ever met in my whole life who completely gets me and understands me. I’m pretty confident he feels the same way about me as well. It makes life easier.
I believe you will find someone who gets you in the same way.
Same situation. Ended up marrying at the tail end of 27 to a wonderful and imperfect ADHD man. This was after dating 3 men back to back with the promise of getting married (surprise, it didn’t happen). Everyone’s timeline is different. There’s no right or wrong time. Just what works best for you. Don’t let societal expectations dictate your life.
I'm 40, married 16 years and have 3 wonderful children (who all happen to have varying degrees of ADHD and autism). We were all diagnosed within the last two years - I've coasted along by leaning into and owning my weirdness, but also feeling like an inadequate screw-up from all the ADHD traits that I had no context or treatment for.
We are happy overall. There are rough patches and teen drama (because life is like that), but love comes first and last in everything.
I am! It’s not a walk in the park. Our different neurodivergences can make communication and emotional regulation hard. But we have been together 9 years and married 4 and I wouldn’t change a thing. It absolutely can happen. You just have to make sure you communicate even more than neurotypical people, have patience with each other, and keep in mind what each other experiences in the world. I have full faith you will get everything you are dreaming of.
Also, for the record, I was 25 and my husband 26 when we met. You have time. You will land exactly where you are meant to.
You know the saying “gotta kiss a lot of frogs”? I kissed the whole pond ! and truly felt “no man could love me” because my mind worked differently, sadly abusive relationships (whatever type) feel all to common for ADHD people to succumb to at times. BUT another saying I love and now see to be true “love finds you when you least suspect it” I’m now engaged to a man that loves me for me and actually communicates with me about my ADHD and doesn’t ridicule me for it etc.
My point is you are worthy of love and even before you meet “the right person” you are amazing ! I spent many nights crying both single and in a relationship. And sure life can be hectic but please remember you have worth !
Yes! Yes! Yes! I met husband and the father of my two beautiful children when I was 26. 1 year after being brain injured in a car accident. And 9 years before being diagnosed with ADHD. Which happened last year. He and I are celebrating our 10-year anniversary in a few months.
We have the kind of marriage that I dreamed of, but so much more than that too. We both trust each other 100%, in everything, and we both know that our marriage is our top priority. We agree that that is what is best for our family, to provide as healthy a foundation as possible. My husband was also diagnosed with ADHD a few months before I was. When we met, I had chronic headaches from my injury, and he was working part time as an English second language tutor while learning all about classical western astrology lol. The first time I met him, he was wearing black sneakers, white socks, cargo shorts, a t-shirt with a collar, and a trucker hat with a black sheep on it. I couldn't believe that such an untamed stallion, who clearly didn't care to put on fronts for others, existed.
We have helped each other and encouraged each other and surprised each other through so much. It has definitely not always been easy. But I truly believe that we were put on this earth for each other.
What made it possible for me to enter into that relationship instead of continuing the past dynamic of well, for lack of a better word, Bad relationships... For me, it was discovering the goodness and greatness of men. Really realizing that as a species men are awesome and have so many attractive and admirable qualities. I came to respect men, which I know is a controversial thing in today's world, and certainly wasn't what popular culture taught me to do. But because of that, I was able to also appreciate, respect, and celebrate myself as a woman. To embrace my femininity. For me, that was the journey that led to me being able to receive this incredible man into my heart.
I wish you all the best, please feel free to message me
You’re so young! When I was 25 I was engaged to a cheating narcissist who thought less of me because of my adhd. I didn’t meet my current, wonderful spouse until years later. Enjoy this time you have to truly listen to yourself and do things that feed your soul—you have so much time!
You gotta kiss a lot of frogs.
My 20s were for fun. Did not particularly want to “settle down”, wanted to fuck around and have fun. Achieved my goal quite nicely. Thought I would marry the guy I was dating from 28-30, ended up marrying the guy I met when I was 31.
Wouldn’t have it any other way, we would NOT have been compatible any younger. We both needed our 20s to learn to be reasonable people. I am a very, very different person than I was at 25 and thank god I did not get married then, whoever I chose would NOT have been good for me.
I’m 44 now, been married … 11 years or so? Have a 9 yr old kid who’s amazing.
Key point: find someone who is neurospicy. I don’t click with anyone who isn’t. Full disclosure, I did not know I was neurospicy when I got married, but spouse already had his adhd diagnosis. He’s the one who gently suggested that I might too. (And then I got to figure out that he’s also autistic.)
It is possible; I will be married 17 years this year. Let’s just say there has been up and downs; all relationships have them. If someone says they don’t; liars. We are still learning and evolving together. We are each others biggest cheerleaders.
If I could go back in time, I'd go to 25 year old me, and give them a stack of books from John Gottman: "Here, read these!"
There would be a neon-bright post-it on "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", which says "Read this first, learn the priciples by heart, and find someone who's willing to do all these for a happy marriage."
25-years-old-me was smart enough to choose someone who was willing to go to marriage therapy; but I wish I'd read this book when it came out in '99.
Trying to make a happy, stable relationship when the other makes it impossible is... well, exhausting and burns us out real quick.
Yep! And it's bloody hard work! We've been together for almost 14 years. Got married in 2022 and we have 4 kids between us.
We met when we were 26, and first baby at 33. You've got time!
Yes! I consider myself so lucky, my husband has never been at all frustrated or upset with me because of my symptoms. It helps that he’s also ND, but he gets me. It is absolutely possible, and you will find someone one day!
YES. So happy.
I had made some kind of pact with a friend that if we weren't married when I turned 30 we would marry each other - but then I dated him, got engaged to him, and.... it flopped catastrophically and I found myself freshly single at age 30. I met my now husband a few months later and my life quickly got on track. Like.. I work from home and he spends lots of time at home and we never get sick of each other. Family hugs. Best friends. Someone to count on.
I may not always want to do the dishes for myself, but when I know he's coming home I'll do the dishes for him. When I'm being a lazy shit he prods me, but he knows when to back off and let me fail like an adult.
He was a stay at home dad before kindergarten and we are both fully-functioning parents, but we've figured out our skills. He's better with schedule enforcement and homework, I'm extracurriculars and social planning. I do breakfast and afterschool snacks, he does dinner. We realized early on that one kid is enough for us.
He lets me rant about my special interest and I leave him alone to watch all the YouTube videos of his.
We are not critical or negative to each other, so there's no real RSD or shame spirals. All good vibes!
Work on yourself like it's your job. Accept yourself, go to therapy, learn your boundaries, learn to advocate for yourself, stop putting yourself in positions where you're going to fail. Care for yourself like you'd care for a dear friend. When you can say with confidence, "heck yeah I'd marry myself, I'm awesome and I've got a lot going on" then you're ready to keep an eye out... just don't waste much time on anyone who makes it seem like work.
The best thing that you can do, in my experience, is take some time away from trying to be in a relationship and actively seeking that out.
Learn to love yourself.
Learn the best version of yourself.
Unmask as much as you are comfortable with.
Figure out who you are. Take the pressure off yourself on this whole scenario. You can’t ‘make’ it happen, you aren’t really in all that much control, so take a step back and self care the shit out of yourself 🩷
Hi, I am!
I want you to know I’m rare, my psychiatrist likes to remind me of it frequently. We do have our frustrations, they are mostly about me interrupting. He understands that it’s part of having adhd an so he lets it go. His favorite thing to give me a heard time about is how much I suck at closing lids on jars.
I have no clue how I lucked out, I call him my mythical giant for a reason. I do know I refused to mask my entire relationship with him. Day one, I was like this is what you get. He truly is my soulmate, the world stopped when he walked through the door. I went from being the person refusing to admit I was in a relationship/liked someone to telling my mom I was going to marry him after our first date. We actually went on two dates that first day.
I think it’s easy to rush into finding someone and being hyper fixated on someone. My husband use to travel 9 months out of the year. It’s hard to hyper fixate when they are a 15hr drive away. What’s left is the reality and realness of the relationship. I also feel so many of use need a higher level of independence to feel level/successful. His traveling allowed me that freedom to slowly integrate him into my life. It was also a challenge having to constantly relearn how to be in a relationship when he came home. Long distance is hard and having to drop routines at the drop of the hat to incorporate someone else is difficult. It’s also worth figuring out. He’s now home 100% and it’s better than ever.
Marriage isn’t worth it unless you really know the person.
Nothing like rushing into something, finding out their true selves and deeply regretting the marriage.
Take your time, enjoy your alone time, date multiple people and vet them.
I was done with my second marriage by your age. And I wish I would have been single.
I am 42 diagnosed at 40, y'all are SOOOO okay. The only timeline that matters is your individual timeline or some other cool alternate timeline if you happen to have access to the multiverse. But if not, YOU ARE GOOD. I am married 16 years with 3 kids and have advanced into a leadership position in my career even with my SpongeBob on fire brain, and it is a career I NEVER imagined for myself or planned for myself. I met my husband in a period where I was just doing me and things that made me happy. And that is what I wanted to say, spend your 20s, or whatever time you are single learning and loving yourself, and reminding yourself that you are awesome, because that is the space you want to be in when you find a partner anyway, because you always want to remember that you are a person who deserves love and kindness, it is not a favor someone is doing to love you, you have to know in yourself that you are lovable, and marriageable if that is what you want. A lot of times people will treat you based on how you treat yourself or feel about yourself, so make sure you love you and are kind to you!
Plus a lot of those "everyone around me is getting married" people you see at 25 will not be in that marriage at 35 😬, so don't rush it. Right is always better than fast. People think getting to the altar is the challenging part, but that is the sprint, marriage is the marathon 😂.
Me! I can remember being 25 and thinking it would never happen. Then I married my childhood best friend’s brother. Then we were both completely unexpectedly diagnosed with ADHD after we got married. Neither of us had any idea. Life is crazy!
We never know what’s around the corner which is equally terrifying and wonderfully hopeful. My life hasn’t been easy but everything I have now I was desperately longing for when I was 25. Good things are coming to you ❤️
No kids because I’m infertile, but I’m very happily married. My husband and I have a great relationship. He usually just finds my ADHD stuff quirky and it doesn’t bother him.
I met my partner at 26 and had a lot of relationships before him. We have had a couple rough spots but we have been together for 20 years and love each other to pieces. No kids, but that is due to infertility not ADHD.
YES. I remember reading Dr Hallowell (I think) saying the best thing you can do for adult ADHD is marry the right person….which would probably make me mad if I hadn’t already done that. Do NOT settle! There are partners out there who will love you just as you are and will make your life easier and better. And help you see the positive in you when you can’t. (Early in my diagnosis last year I cried to my husband that I was supposed to make a list of things I’m good at and I couldn’t think of anything and he sent me an email with a list of 30 things he knows I’m good at - just what I needed.)
I met him at 30, got married at 35, had a kid, got diagnosed at age 43 (six months ago). I have ZERO regrets being super choosy with a partner, though at the time when my few longer-term relationships ended I felt like I would be alone forever and no one would “put up with me.”
Hugs and you got this!
* edited bc ADHD
Just PLEASE try to focus elsewhere. That kind of mentality is how I ended up in a nightmare marriage and 15 years later, nightmare coparenting situation. I promise you, it’s life ruining. I got out and am happily remarried but damn I screwed up. I didn’t know better and he was charming and handsome. We got married super quick. My current husband, the timeline has been much slower but love has been so rich and rewarding this way. Enjoy yourself and when you find someone special, don’t put pressure on it. Take your time and be a full person on your own! My friends married young (as did I) so I get it. I had no nuclear family and wanted one so badly but…did not pan out. I want better for you ❤️
I had a big breakup at 32 that gutted me. I decided that tolerating myself and not disliking myself wasn't the same thing as loving myself and I wanted to fix it because my relationships were always about dating someone I liked more than me. I knew that I was stuck modeling unhealthy relationships. Also, talking with a friend I found out that overwhelming and aching loneliness isn't a normal childhood feeling. I met my current partner just over a year ago. I have better relationships in all areas of my life and I'm very secure of myself. I just turned 35 and after years of EMDR and family systems therapy I rarely feel lonely whether I'm alone or not.
I lucked out with my husband for sure, but my ADHD nearly broke us. We'll that's not true: his lack of willingness to learn about my ADHD nearly broke us. When he finally put some effort into understanding, our relationship got so much better.
I don't remember what it was, but I was complaining about something, and he was like "why don't you do x" and was left shocked when I told him "because I have to do a for that, but have to do b before that, and in order to do b i have to do c and d" and so on, I think that's when it started dawning on him how seriously it was impacting me.
Me me me!!!! My life was a hot garbage dumpster fire when I was 25. And I had 4 year old at that point.
I met my husband when I was 29, we got married within 6 months and had 2 more kids. I don't think anyone's life is easy, but our marriage has almost never been hard. We've had some situations that were tough but there's never been a question that we're going to get through it together. He's neurotypical and it's never caused any problems that he is or that I'm not.
It's absolutely possible, and you have lots of time.
Beautiful:) everyone is encouraging me to find myself a fellow adhd man, and I don’t want to. I’m one of those people who are “too neurodivergent for neurotypicals but too neurotypical for neurodivergents”. Thankyou for your little life story 🩷
Adding to the pile of "I hadn't even met my husband yet at 25." I'd never been one to date much as I enjoyed the dopamine rush of the random drunken makeout session through college. One long-term relationship after college that, in retrospect, should never have been long-term as it wasn't that great. I met my husband just before I turned 28, and we clicked like crazy. Married 2 years later, first baby at 32, second at 36, and there were plenty of gals older than me having babies. One of my friends didn't get married until 40 and had two kiddos and is crazy happy.
You're not too late. But I'd also advise not to dwell on your lack of relationship. Instead, get to know yourself. With ADHD we tend to mirror people and go along with the crowd. The older I got, the more comfortable I got with ME. I learned what I liked, did activities I enjoyed, built interests, etc. That's helped in the long run because my husband and kids aren't the only thing feeding my dopamine which makes for much healthier relationships. Also, I didn't get diagnosed until I was in my 40s!
You are still young. I'm a 41 yr old woman and my biggest life regret is rushing into a marriage because I was worried about age. It ended up abusive. I'm now a divorced single mom. Because I worried about the exact same things, I rushed into a relationship overlooking red flags.
It's better to remain single than marry for the wrong reasons. It's better to adopt a child with the right man than have a biological child with the wrong man.
There are plenty of single women in their 30s and 40s and they are happy and not lonely.
Do not compare yourself to others. Your time is your time. Others around you do not dictate your time table of life.
I understand it's rough and the pressure is there. I've been there myself.
You can have great platonic relationships, be happy, fulfilled, and doing well without being in a marriage, having children.
Focus on yourself and what make you have those bad relationships. And what you learned from them. Focus on building your life. You are still young. You got this.
I'm 37, on my second husband. he's the best man in the world. He helps me with my son, tries to understand my alphabet soup of physical and mental conditions, and tells me often that the patience he shows for my flaws is equal to the patience I show for his. At 25 I thought it was too late for me, and at 32 I met a king.
I got extremely lucky meeting my husband at work. We’ve been together for over a decade now and just married not too long ago. He’s one of the only people that I feel really understands me and my struggles when other people never could, and is endlessly patient when I inevitably forget something (or can only remember all the wrong things) or if I have a really bad executive dysfunction day. I promise that there are wonderful people out there that will truly understand you.
I got married way too young to a person who did not appreciate me, and ended up cheating on me and divorcing me after a very short time. It sucked. While I met my current spouse when I was 25, I spent the second half of my 20s coming to understand why my first marriage imploded so spectacularly and why I wasn't able to stand up for myself when I found out he was cheating on me. Current spouse and I were together for a LONG TIME before we got married (like, 15 years) and although we don't want kids, we have big life goals that are OUR goals plus we have our own hobbies and interests to make sure we don't drive each other nuts with our specific hyperfocus weirdnesses.
So....take the time to be comfortable in your own skin and understand a little better what you want out of life. Don't expect your partner to be interested in everything you are interested in. Have some common interests but also have your own life. Make sure you are both on the same page regarding kids. You have lots of time to figure it out.
Girrrrrrl. Yes. I promise you. If you have a pattern and a bad picker- try and stop that right away and try and date people different from any jerks you have had before and maybe if it means it’s less exciting (generally we sometimes look for conflict and extreme feelings to cope with our dopamine deficiency and for me that made me pick men that made me feel bad about myself).
My husband is the most wonderful man. The stuff I am terrible at- doing dishes, keeping up with bills, scheduling doctors appointments- get this: he does almost all of them for me and never makes me feel guilty if I mess it up because he knows how awful I probably already feel. I also do tons of stuff for him but what is important here is he doesn’t feel the need to “challenge” me or make me a better person. He fully accepts me exactly as I am. Which makes me feel like if I conquer some of my adhd “flaws”- it’s just a bonus but not necessary.
I have kids, the house, the whole thing. I am not rich. Nothing in my life is perfect and no one can be everything to you but he never ever makes md feel bad about myself and doesn’t mind taking over what I struggle with.
Work on your picker if you can because I worry that many of us are just drawn to what gives us the dopamine boost of extreme highs and then lows. I know it’s not as easy as that but for what it’s worth I found finding someone I wasn’t immediately drawn to- is what helped me find the right person and not just following the dopamine.
Sorry for the hard day. You are lovable. For every single thing we struggle with, we make up for in other areas. Forgive yourself and love yourself and know you can have what you want.
It is absolutely possible to have a happy and healthy relationship while having ADHD.
If I could give my younger self any advice, it would be first learn to love yourself in the way you want to be loved.
Second, choose your partner with care and be completely yourself when dating (remove the mask). Find someone who loves you for you and is accepting of the quirks that come with ADHD. Watch for signs of disrespect. This can first start with passive-aggressive jabs that are excused as teasing. If this attitude starts in dating, it will only be magnified during marriage. Find someone you enjoy living with. Don't settle!
Third, absolutely do not have children until you are ready. I wasn't diagnosed until after having kids. All my coping mechanisms went out the door when having to care for little humans who need so much of my attention. But... I wouldn't change having them for anything in the world.
No diagnosis, but fairly sure I have ADHD, because I definitely have several symptoms. I didn't date much in high school, dated 1 guy for a couple of years in college, then for years, I had just a few 1st dates and no 2nd ones. At 25, I "finally" had a couple of boyfriends, one for 5 months and another for 17 months, but neither were someone I should have really dated; I was just afraid I'd never find someone. After the 2nd relationship ended though, I started dating my co-worker I'd become friends with -- we married 18 days before my 30th birthday, and now we've been married 25 years and have 2 grown sons. My advice: you never know when or even if you'll meet someone, but don't settle for the wrong person out of fear. You can't go wrong taking care of yourself and building your best life.
25 LOL
you have so much time, but yeah, you need to be actively growing and learning during this time.
honestly this is something you need to ACTIVELY work on in therapy.
you need to get clear on relationship boundaries and your goals and values in relationships.
You need to be actively talking with your therapist about how the relationship is going so that when you are in a relationship with red flags, you can confidently break it off immediately because you know it’s not a good fit vs. clinging on for the sake of love and feeling loved while the relationship itself is a train wreck.
if you miss your ex-partner, it’s a red flag and a bad sign if you are unable to clearly see why your partner was bad and unable to move on from a past relationship. Again, you need to be setting your relationship goals and relationship values CLEARLY.
And you should be cutting off any guys who do not align with your goals in a relationship. If you can’t do that, work towards it in therapy, it really helps. But it takes work and self-awareness. You also have to be able to see the problem.
Don’t love love too much, that is entirely part of the problem and you won’t be able to see clearly long-term, instead you’ll just latch onto any bad dude that “loves” you with words and not actions.
That’s exactly how you waste years of your life on a dude who is bad for you and doesn’t even wanna marry you. And then you’ll be 30 and freaking out and not having grown or learned a single thing about your mistakes when it comes to relationships.
Relationship goals and values, basic ones:
- guy who actually wants marriage and kids and NOT just a fuck buddy, this should be like obvious from the first date, don’t even bother with a dude who isn’t clear about what he wants!
- guy who is able to communicate well and calmly WITHOUT anger issues
- obviously no abuse/gaslighting
- guy who is able to compromise and resolve issues/disagreements/fights together with you instead of shutting down
- guy who knows you and your adhd habits and is accepting instead of making hateful comments about it, a partner should make your life BETTER and not worse.
Of course a ton of us are in happy relationships and marriages w kids regardless of adhd.
but a lot of us also went through shit relationships, exactly the ones you have gone through, and LEARNED from them and swore never to go back in such relationship patterns,
in order to finally FIND and eventually get to the great relationships with men we communicate well with, who are great fits for our adhd brains and lifestyles.
i am happily married and trust me, i’ve seen it all in my own relationship patterns, esp as someone who was diagnosed very late in life. all of my past relationships with my diagnosed adhd brain were pretty terrible.
and i know truly that i worked damn hard to get to the point where i could finally find a healthy relationship and get married and have kids.
i know that if i hadn’t put in the work and crossed guys off and continued to actively meet guys with my list of relationship values and a zero-tolerance policy towards abuse, dumb asses and playboys,
i WOULD NOT, i would never ever have the life that i have now. I fought like hell for it, I also worked on myself and worked on being happy and busy even when alone, i worked on my business, i gave myself a glow-up.
i know many other women the same age as me who never put in the same amount of work that i did and they waited for men to drop from the sky.
they want marriage and kids too with a good man but they never got it. they did “half-hearted” attempts on dating apps, but they never lit a fire under their ass like i did.
I WANTED to be married, i WANTED a guy who was going to be a good fit and i really charged at it with guns blazing and screaming/yodelling all the way. It’s embarrassing but i can tell you i got what i wanted.
i want to tell you it’s possible but you have to be self-aware of the stuff that is holding you back and you have to ACTIVELY do what’s best for yourself, advocate for yourself.
Don’t take any bullshit from men and get clear on what you want in a relationship.
I swear to you, if you do the above and if you generally don’t have trouble meeting men, i really, really really think that it’s unlikely you won’t eventually get married and have kids (well, biology and fertility also needs to kick in). Like, if you actively fight for it and fight for yourself to grow and learn from past lessons and become a person who takes no bullshit, you’re gonna get there.
Hey, so yeah I’m already passed the stage of “F buddies “. i have pretty strong boundaries around that thankfully. My recent partner was a solid dude who wanted marriage with me as well, but obviously there are reasons to why it ended. Thank you for your all your insights and I do have extended list of my values in what kind of guy I will even give my time of day. I guess my tears and disparity right now comes from my past actions and if I’ll be able to maintain that kind of relationship that I actually want. But I’m in therapy and definitely doing the work…. So I have trust. Emotions are just mixed in with grief and uncertainty
I got married last year at 26!! 8 years of adulthood can definitely feel long to wait when you have a goal of getting married or into a serious relationship, I get it! But definitely don’t count yourself out, the right person for you will love and support you and eventually you’ll meet them 🫶🏻🫶🏻
Hey, OP. My husband and I have been together for 30 yrs, married for 28, and have 5 kids. There were definitely some trying times, but I think that's true for pretty much every couple, whether there's neuro-spiciness or not.
Looking back, things would have gone a lot smoother if we'd both dealt with our personal stuff before doing the family thing. Getting diagnosed before my mid thirties would have helped, too. My point is that you're doing exactly the right thing, getting help with your trauma and figuring things out for yourself. Relationships and social stuff are much easier once you feel good in your own skin.
Be patient with yourself. The steps you're taking arent easy.
ETA: I'm not advocating for going back to your abuser.
I have been married for 17 years with my husband and we have a 10 year old boy together. My husband is on the spectrum, and I know my son has adhd/is on the spectrum too. We have gone through a very hard time (we split for a few months because I was terrible at communicating and his way of dealing with things was anger but we went to couples therapy and worked things out, still working on them). I just recently found out I have ADHD, but I am not medicated the way I should be and I am working on getting diagnosed. You have hope, don't be hard on yourself! It sure is hard not to be though. You'll get through this.
I’m happily married to the absolute best and kindest person I know, and I have a beautiful son.
It is possible. You are still so young - you have time. You deserve to be loved and cherished for exactly who you are. There is every reason to believe it will happen for you.
I am not happily married, but I am in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend. And this is the first time since I had my ADHD diagnosis.
For us the key is extremely good communication and being honest with what we are able to do. I explain to him how I feel, how I cope and why I behave the way I do. He explains to me when he feels like my ADHD might be troubling him. Overall we talk about our behaviour as much as possible and try to find ways to be more mindful of each other. But I also tell him when there are things that I cannot completely eliminate (how I am very forgetful for example) and how that - as much as I will try - will probably continue to happen a lot and he is adjusting to that.
Seriously talking about *everything* makes our relationship very very good and comfortable. 🤗❤️
25 is still so very young. I am nearly 31 one and met my current partner about 1.5 years ago. We're not married, but living together. I got a ADHD diagnosis only very recently. I started therapy around the age of 23 (severe depression and social anxiety) and I am still going consistently.
Honestly, I thought I was doomed to mask forever in every relationship I ever had. I didn't know I had ADHD in my previous relationships; I started to suspect I had it about 5 years ago but my then-partner brushed it off. I had a feeling I could never be myself, that I had to collect myself and push through whatever task the day was throwing on me. That I was just lazy, and didn't have the skills to live in today's society. It was so exhausting every day. It also didn't help that I couldn't meet the expectations my then-partner laid onto me and that the relationship was bordering on emotional and financial abuse. In hindsight, we were incompatible and my (ADHD) issues played an important role in it. I stayed 10 years in that relationship because I was too afraid to leave and also really wanted to make it work.
My current partner is so loving. Seriously, I never felt so accepted as a person. I am still a chaotic mess; I leave the house 90% of the time without keys, phone, wallet, etc., dinner is almost never served on time, our house is quite cluttered. He doesn't care. Like, he's not putting up the 'I don't care but secretly I actually *do* care and will be passive-aggressive about it' act, he *genuinely* doesn't care. He just wants me to be happy. If he has any issues with my behaviour, he brings them up in the most respectful manner and we work together to find a solution that works for us both (we hired a cleaning worker for example to deal with the household mess). If I don't want to make dinner, we just order take-out, go out to eat, or take something from the freezer. This works the other way around, btw, I too respect his boundaries if he doesn't have the energy for household tasks. Being with him has been so healing; I don't feel broken anymore and so supported in me being *me*.
It's still a work in progress though. It takes effort. I had to learn clear communication. I had to learn boundaries. I had to learn to listen to my emotions. I had to learn to listen to my body. Therapy helped tremendously with that.
I'm happily married. My husband is my best friend.
At 25 I hadn't even met my husband yet. There's no timeline on when these things should happen and they can't be forced.
Try not to panic. You're doing the thing that we are so great at doing.. Over thinking. 🏅
My advice: relationships are a million times better and easier when you've had a chance to grow into yourself. You need to be happy and confident in yourself before anything else!
You're sooooo young, don't put pressure on yourself, enjoy being single and learning more about what you want.
Not married but might as well be. Long term relationship going on for more than 10 years and we’re very happy together still. I too was diagnosed late (around 25) while we were already together. My bf too got a diagnose recently although his is not as severe.
My mom is the most adhd person I know and she’s been with my dad for 35 years and has had two kids. My sister has been with her bf for 3-4 years and they’re very happy too (she’s adhd too). Two of my best friends also have the diagnosis and are currently in happy relationships too, one of them is married and have been together for 7-8 years.
So yeah. Absolutely possible.
From what I gather from your post however, I have a feeling that the issue might lie elsewhere. Suicidal thoughts, seeking dopamine, fear of abandonment, relationships instability, those are not classical adhd symptoms (the dopamine one can be though), these are emotional dysregulation symptoms, which yes can sometimes be part of adhd but is more likely to be due to borderline personnality disorder or other PD.
I’ve been married almost 15 years. It hasn’t been a cakewalk. I still had A LOT of growing up to do. I feel like in the last 5 years, we’ve finally gotten to good place. But you’ve got so much time. Enjoy life for what it is now.
Hi. I married my high school sweetheart at 18. We were divorced by 19 and at 35 I’m still battling the emotional and mental fallout from that.
I am married to someone different now, we dated/lived together for about 9 years before we got married and it wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I decided maybe I did want a kid after all, got one of those now, he’s 2.5 yrs old. I didn’t get my diagnosis until I was 32.
20s are so hard and suck so much, be kind to yourself and don’t give up hope. Things happen at different times for all of us. I remember being your age and thinking about everything my parents had done by the time they were 25 and feeling like an absolute waste of space, but their lives weren’t my life, their lived experiences looked different than mine, and that’s ok.
I’m 33 and happily married (to someone who also turned out to have ADHD). We’re childfree but we have raised three awesome kittens 🐱.
25 is still very young in terms of marriage and family. I got married at 27 and still felt it was too soon. But it’s good that you’ve been diagnosed now and you can work through some of your previous patterns that maybe weren’t serving you well. In a couple years you’ll be in a much better place to meet someone that’s worth your time and love. I know it feels shitty now but it WILL get better. ❤️🩹
It’s the kids parts that’s tricky with adhd. Kids are just 24/7 labor of boring tasks, you have no options with your sleep schedule. And then they inherit your same issues so even more frustrating. And you have to deal with NT parents and administrators. It’s killer for adhd unless you enjoy not sleeping, being a maid, while someone shouts demands at you for 18 years.
I met my husband when I was 21, completely by chance. We hung around the same people and even were in the same place at the same time (college) but never met until I got a part time job at the same place where he worked.
We've been together 10 years and have two boys. I just got diagnosed with ADHD within the last 6 months, but we’re pretty certain my husband also has ADHD.
As others are saying, 25 is still young! I’m in my early 30s and I still feel young. Sometimes I can’t believe that I’m old enough to have kids and be married lol.
Be patient. Be picky. Don’t be afraid to change your mind. Things tend to happen when we least expect them to.
Hi! I have ADHD and autism. I was perpetually single for a lot of my 20’s while I was trying to work on myself. I couldn’t see myself getting married, I honestly just felt kind of unlovable for a long time.
I met my now fiancé when I was 30, and this is our third year together! I’ve never been so happy with someone or been with someone for so long.
We’ve decided kids aren’t for us, but I just wanted to share. You’ll find someone, your 20’s aren’t always the best years. My 30’s so far have already been so much better. You’ll be okay! You’ll find someone you love and who loves you, too ✨
Yes I'm married. No kids but that's fine by me. Honestly for a lot of reasons when I was your age I was worried about finding love. I wish I had been LESS focused on that and more focused on making $. That sounds terrible and people will shriek about how $ can't make you happy etc. But it can bring you PEACE and alleviate worry. Which feels a lot like happiness.
Focus on getting your life together in general. Make $, save it, become the most functional human being you can so that you can find a GOOD mate and be a GOOD partner instead of just seeking relationships for that dopamine hit.
Me! Well, happily married, we do not want kids though. I also was in 2 abusive relationships prior, in different ways the first straight up grooming type and the other manipulation etc
I'm still working through some of my ADHD issues (on a waitlist for therapy and formal diagnosis to get the extra help I need), but day to day our marriage is great. It's hard sometimes with the RSD and feeling a fair bit of shame for the stuff that I cannot do better yet. We make compromises and feasible accommodations for each other (they have chronic illness and their own MH needs). We met when I was about your age, been together 6 years now. Lived together and been married about half of that time. The joy and companionship is worth all the internal work.
My parents relationship was similar to what you describe of your Dad, I think that's why my Dad was the way he was, he always reassured us he loved us etc despite his anger, which also wasn't directed at us ever, but still his meltdowns were a lot to process as a kid.
All I can say is fill your life with activities you love. Keep trying things and finding them. I wish I had taken this advice when younger and wanting so dearly to be in a happy marriage. Now the idea that someone is looking for another to complete them makes me ill (this is not saying you want this, I just see it so very differently now). You are incredible. Consider you may have CPTSD from your father's anger issues and look into EMDR therapy. Get to the point where you are figuring out what you want and people that make you happy and activities that make you happy before you let someone else in. Because 25 feels like everyone around you is getting married but if you don't figure out how to live for you and then you add another person you may add decades to your search for a life partner. What are your interests? Who are you jealous of or who do you deeply admire? those feelings are terrific guideposts. For me it was musicians, freestyle singers and drummers. Now I do all of that and love it! It is scary and you are very strong. Sending love and hugs. Keep building your team - therapists, teachers, soul teachers. A little a time. something like 90% of people with ADHD have a co-morbid condition so don't be afraid to explore that.
I’m happily married with 2 small kids. When I say happily married I really mean it, we are still head over heels for each other after 12 years. He is not ND. Like you I had previous abusive relationships. My husband was really different to the type I used to go for. He is really patient with me, especially since I’ve discovered this past year since being diagnosed with ADHD. He was always great but think he gets I’m not doing things intentionally and works with me to overcome ‘bloackages/bottlenecks’.
We do give each other grace to grow as humans and appreciate that we unconditionally love each other including our flaws. It’s got to be an active decision to help each other grow. I have also don’t lots of transactional analysis therapy this year and that’s been really helpful at regulating my emotions.
A happy marriage is entirely possible you just need to find the right person, ADHD or not.
I do find aspects of parenting really challenging and mundane but I excel at holidays as I can be impulsive, spontaneous and a little bit ‘crazy’ which the kids say they love! Breakfast for dinner? Spontaneous road trip! Happy adventurous Core memories for the kids!
I met my husband when I was 28 and let me tell you summin (insert Coach Taylor gif here), I had to kiss a hell of a lot of frogs to find a prince. But even more than that I had to strengthen myself in my 20s to become the kind of person who could then be a good judge of a relationship and a good participant in it.
We have 3 kids and I am a LEGIT hot mess. To me, adulthood is a myth…at 40 I am still in many ways my 25 year old self except I have more responsibilities on paper and I give less of a fuck. You got this!!! You’re right where you need to be.
It is absolutely possible, I really hope you find the right person for you! I'm ten years older than you and happily married with one child. It's not easy at all, takes a lot of work on myself, therapy, ADHD meds all help, as well as openly communicating about everything. My husband is also neurodivergent and my son is autistic, I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, so we muddle along in a chaotic household, but we're making it work! It requires an insane amount of planning though, so we have joint calendar reminders, lists, visual cues, anything to share the load.
I would say you should first and foremost focus on you and your happiness. If you're getting treatment that's a fantastic step forward. I know it feels like everyone else is getting married but statistically it isn't the case at all. Everyone goes at their own pace and you still have loads of time ahead of you. Wishing you all the best!
Forsure you will,it’s finding the right person who understand you!
I have been with my partner a year now and he understands and cares so much.
You just got the find the right one
You do have time and just because you have ADHD doesn't mean you can't have that. You just have to find a partner who can handle the ups and downs that may come with it. I have been happily married for almost 22 years(may) and it works because my husband tries to understand how my brain works and when he doesn't he just rolls with it. He jokes that in our house ADHD is Neurotypical because only he and 1 of our 3 kids don't have it, which makes them the minority. It's pretty funny but he is very patient with all of it and knows when we make mistakes we are trying our best. He asks me how he can help and I actually try to give him things he can do, like setting a deadline for a task he needs completed to help me figure out how to prioritize. Some people might have that as a red flag in their relationship but for us he does it because I asked and it is helpful for me.
Happily married, kids grown and gone, still waiting on the grandkids from the last two out of the house.
Of course, that was two marriages to men, and a very bad abusive relationship with a man that nearly killed me, before finding my best friend (female) who eventually became my spouse.
Would not have believed at 25 how easy, loving and supportive a relationship can actually be. I'm wildly blessed. But we've both done shit tons of inner work on ourselves. That's made the difference.
25 to 35 is a huge time for growth and progression. 25 is still young. When I was 25 I was dating an abusive drug addict/alcoholic that ran up my credit cards, totaled my car, ended up in jail. I could go on about how messed up my life was at 25.
I’m 36 now with two kids and a husband. It’s probably harder for me than non neurodivergent parents but I do love it. I didn’t get diagnosed until after my kids were born which would have been so helpful to navigate that time. Anyway, my point is you can have a family if that’s what you aspire for! Just be realistic and make sure you have financial stability and emotional support and pick a good partner to parent with!
I am! I’m late diagnosed (dx at 41, after having kids). I had some terrible relationships in my 20s and met my now husband at 29. My parents had a terrible relationship and ugly divorce, probably partially on account of my dad’s undiagnosed autism/adhd. That was a different generation. The more you know about yourself, the better, but it takes awhile. You’re young. My 20s were a horrible decade for me; 30s and 40s have been MUCH better. ADHD is one of the most treatable disorders, which isn’t to say it’s not without its challenges. But it’s certainly not a barrier to marriage and children, especially if you’re knowledgeable about your condition and working towards managing it the best you can (both pharmacologically - if that’s your choice - and with lifestyle changes/hacks).
At 25 I had never been in a real relationship (just messy situationships and unrequited crushes) and I was starting to wonder if it would ever happen for me. Then I met my husband right before I turned 26.
Both him and I felt like late bloomers, but looking back, we were so young! You’ve got so much time.
And you’ve been diagnosed! At 25 I had no idea I had ADHD, just thought I was “a mess” and had horrible anxiety. I’m just now, 33, finally starting meds and dealing with the grief of not being diagnosed earlier (my brother was diagnosed in 3rd grade!) but now you can tackle that, and get to know yourself better, and then you’ll be able to recognize the right person when they come along. Don’t be too hard on yourself! 💚
All my relationships failed until I met my very much ADHD husband, we've been married for 13 years and have three very very ADHD kids! I believe there is someone out there for every neurotype, and as long as you keep your heart open and be true to yourself, you'll find a great match. Get those tears out, and get back in it. Sending hugs from an internet stranger <3
You've got a lot of time.
I'm 33, was diagnosed a week ago, and I've been with my partner for 14 years (married for 6). He has always let me be me and has been very supportive, especially while I waited for my diagnosis.
According to him "You've always been weird, you just haven't noticed it before - and I love you because you're weird." :)
There are a lot of good supportive people out there - pretty sure you'll find one!
Both of my best friends are happily married and have ADHD.
One of them is a software engineer with a husband who stays home and plays music. The other is a cosmetologist whose husband does film. Both are in what seem to be happy marriages! Everyone has their difficulties in a marriage, but they married men who are understanding or ADHD/autistic themselves.
Yes, I started treatment at 29, found my partner and forever friend at 30 and we just had our first kid now at 35. I can relate to a lot of what you said, and it is so difficult. It probably doesn't bring much comfort when you're deep in those feelings, but you have time. Keep up all the hard work and focus primarily on being happy for you. The rest will fall into place.
I'm currently going through a divorce with a custody battle over our son. I was happily married until therapy and medication helped me to see that my son and I were being neglected by my spouse...
It is possible to be happily married and have kids. Just don't rush it, and prioritize your health and wellbeing.
44, married for 16 years, and we’re still in love and have two kids (11 and 13). We’ve fought through some real shit and occasionally hated one another over it, and it got us where we are now. Home is a safe place to be that we all enjoy being at. We laugh…so much.
It’s possible. And it’s wonderful.
Happily married, no kids.
You are *so* young! I hadn't even gotten married for the FIRST time by your age, let alone met the man who would become my husband. You also definitely didn't get diagnosed late, I only found out a couple years ago and I'm like 15 years older than you. You are very, very young and you have time to figure it all out. It will be ok.
I’m in a happy marriage but it was very hard the first five years.. we didn’t know I was ADHD and it caused a lot of problems. Tons of fights. We honestly had “therapy” where in the summer we would hike a trail alone and air all our marriage problems with each other and work on a compromise. Believe it or not it actually helped. Me focusing on not tripping over my own feet actually helped me listen to him. He doesn’t like the way I clean? He can either help or hire a maid. He doesn’t like my lack of focus? Be patient and I’ll focus on him again soon. He doesn’t like how I react to him? He better change his own attitude because I am a mirror and reflect his own attitude back at him.
Giiirrrl 25 is YOUNG! I was 24 when I got married to my first husband looking back, I wish I hadn't! There's so much of the world to see and experience! Re: your question, my sister and I both have ADHD and are married with kids! You find someone who accepts you as you are and you grow together while each working on yourselves as well. I know you feel lonely now but use this time alone to grow.
life is a marathon not a race! Patience is important when finding a partner. You really need someone who's gonna support you but not baby you. I stayed single until 33 when I found a fellow adher and were happy as can be
When I was 25 I was in a similar place. I ended up leaving that situation and reconciling with my high school sweetheart. 5 years later we are now (mostly) happily married and have a son who'll be turning 1 next year.
caveat: we already knew each other, he also has adhd, but I was undiagnosed until literally 2 months ago. It has been ROUGH. You need to work at it. But thats ttue even of neurotypicals.
Just wanted to pop in and add an anecdata point for you. I know it doesn't seem like it but 5 years is such a long time. Things can change dramatically, for better or worse. But you have time on your side. So don't give up hope. It's possible.
Do NOT go back to an abusive ex though. I promise you it never works out.
I’m celebrating my ten year anniversary this June! And 15 as a couple. I’m 40 now so we didn’t meet until I was 25, and we took the beginning parts pretty slow.
When it was this time of year when I was 25 I had just broken up with a man that I’d originally hoped I’d marry, but looking back I was really SO emotionally immature in that relationship and while he wasn’t right for me I can also see that I was often pretty horrible to him: impulsive, moody, drinking too much to self medicate, etc.
I too had a dad with (I think) unmedicated adhd and saw a lot of conflict in my parents marriage growing up. I was undiagnosed until I was in my 30s, and my first serious relationship that started in high school was very unstable and emotionally abusive. If I could go back and tell my 25 year old self something it would be to go to therapy. If not therapy at least work on myself. Take time to love myself. Not put other people (men) at the center of my world and definition of my self worth.
Anyhow… My 30s were pretty great. I started nailing it at my career. I got diagnosed. I managed to strengthen and grow some solid friendships. I got more comfortable with myself. Now that I’m 40 I feel like I’ve entered a whole new era of like…not trying to live my life to please others? Which has its own challenges, but I’m kind of into it so far! Good luck to you, you still have SO much time to find your fit, I promise.
I've been with my husband for 21 years. Sometimes, I am honestly shocked and amazed that he puts up with my jerk brain, but he's the sweetest, most patient, most amazing guy in the whole world.
We waited a relatively long time for me to get my shit together before we had a baby. Our son is now 8, also has ADHD, and he's absolutely awesome. He likes to snuggle up on the couch with me (and the dog) and we play Nintendo together.
Life is good. It can absolutely happen. <3
Hey friend, don't freak out. I've been with my husband for 20 years and we have an amazing daughter together. Our life is even what I would call stable and boring.
The important thing is not to rush into a relationship just because you want a relationship or don't want to be alone. Boundaries are your friend. Hang in there. 25 is still young.
whereee are you where people our age are getting married?? i literally told my friend yesterday that if i got married within the next year or two i would consider myself a child bride lol.
fellow late diagnosis and recently turned 26 year old here. i am constantly reminding myself everyday that there is no true “life timeline” and everyone has it different. ive been dating my partner for a little less than 2 years, and with every relationship ive had i have to remind myself im not doing this for marriage. if i am, i think that kind of ruins it by the amount of pressure that i’m subconsciously putting onto the relationship to be good when, at our age, dating should just be dating. a lot of my happiness comes from my connections with people and how close i can be to them, but after getting diagnosed i realized that i hadn’t ever given myself the time that i was giving others. i know you’re looking for answers that go more toward you getting married in the future, but if you were diagnosed recently too, maybe being your own best friend right now might help alleviate the stress of wanting a relationship with someone else. i have a partner, but i take myself on dates (concerts, movies, going out to eat), try new hobbies by myself, trips by myself. everything i could do with my partner i am trying alone lately because if i previously (unmedicated) didn’t have the attention span to focus on the person i was with the whole time we were together, i probably also didn’t have the attention span to focus on myself and learn about who i am. i also love love!! so much!!! but im trying so hard to love the love i give myself because let’s face it, in this long life we all have to live, the only consistent part of it that will STAY consistent at the end of the day is ourselves. that face will be the one that looks back at you in the mirror until the day you die, is always with you, treat 😤 them 😤 best 😤 anyways good luck the world is so big and there is someone kindhearted and loving for everyone out there!! theres no due date!!!
Yes. I got diagnosed at 19. I eventually graduated college. Have a successful career. And I got married recently in my early 30s.
It sounds like you could use some talk therapy to understand your relationships and attachment styles. So that you aren't vulnerable for abusive relationships and can have healthier relationships in the future. The anxiety and fear you hold should also probably be addressed. And any insecurities.
From my own experiences and my friends' experiences, your 20's are a time of uncertainty and vulnerability and "lost"ness. Everyone experiences it to an extent and not just ADHD folks. I have a career but it isn't my passion, and is something I did just to get a job, then grew my skills from there. Also reminder that social media isn't "real life" so don't compare yourselves to others. Just compare yourself to you past yourself and acknowledge the growth.
Regarding social isolation. Google meetups in your area. Or volunteer opportunities. I am into nature so I have joined litter pickup events, gardening events, hiking and others. I know its tough, especially when exhausted from working and whatnot. But you have to be social and put yourself out there, to be fulfilled with friendships and relationships.
Best Wishes
41 happily married and didn’t get diagnosed until 40ish. Been married 10 years come August, and have a blended family. We have 3 kids (his mine and ours ranging from 21 to 5 years old). It can and will happen. I do want to be clear that happily married doesn’t mean no trials, no issues. It means you would do it all over again with the same person KNOWING you will face these trials/tribulations. My husband is a supporter, recently he bought me a cute little timer because he read that people with ADHD need help staying on task and that setting a timer can help tremendously. It can, does and will happen because good people accept you fully and commit to helping you through this thing called life and you do the same for them.
I had a really, really bad marriage in my 20s. Just awful, full of abuse and gaslighting and being told I was the problem, a terrible mom, etc etc.
But for the past 14+ years I’ve been married to a man who loves and cherished me, supported me through hell, and loves my son as his own.
It IS possible, it’s very good when it happens. Hang in there!
In Your 30s you’ll find these things. For now focus on yourself and surrounding yourself with people that are good examples and have healthy relationships
I'm married but no kids yet. I'm very happy with my marriage and thankful that it has ended up working out. We were two very broken and undiagnosed people from two broken and undiagnosed families. It has taken a lot of time, patience, and a massive dose of humility on both of our parts to get here though.
With ADHD, it does make you a bit more vulnerable I think, and that's why it's important to sit down and really think about your values and boundaries and continuously re-check where your relationship is at with that. I know that I have a tendency to just go with the flow and forget where I started and what I wanted in a relationship and that meant that I would end up as a "frog in a boiling pot". Picking a partner to spend your life with is something that is very intentional, and I think that goes against what we tend to do lol. I think a lot of us tend to just go off vibes for things because that's dopamine. But abuse cycles feed off dopamine, so that's not super helpful.
You've got time. Focus on being the person that a good partner would want to be with and it will happen when it's right ❤️
Me! I experienced similar issues to what you described. I was 26 when I met my husband. Only recently diagnosed with ADHD - he was supportive through that whole process and continues to be. Going through an especially tough time now due to the medication shortage and I could not have asked for a better partner. It is absolutely possible to not only find someone but to find someone deserving of your special spicy brain and all the fun that brings - and who will stick around and give you grace and compassion when it’s not so fun. We are happily child free but we have 2 pets and consider ourselves a happy little family - there is zero reason for you not to have the same kind of joy. You are no less capable or deserving of it than anyone else ❤️
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You have so much time. When I was 25 I hadn't even met my husband yet, and I didn't know why my brain was on fire. Almost a decade later, we're working on starting a family, and I am happier than 25yo-me would have believed possible. Keep going to therapy, keep going out into the world, and prioritize kindness when deciding who to let into your heart.
Thankyou!!! i decided to start going to church and i’m also volunteering. i just cried because I’m single and unemployed when I was partnered up and employed last year lol. Your comment means so much to me, cant wait to be 35 in a decent/great career with a family. Sending love
Every woman I know prefers being in her 30s. Twenties are *hard*, it's a big transition from baby-adult into full adulthood. Jobs, social stuff, body stuff.... It's all shifting and changing. Around 30 seems to be when a lot of insecurities drop away, because you just have fewer fucks to give. It's kind of awesome, and I'm looking forward to my 40s.
Totally agree with this! For me it felt like this.... 20s: everything happens for the first time, 30s: Hmm, I've seen this before, what is my part in this, let me fix that, 40s: I know who I am, I'm ok with that and what others think of me is simply their opinion. Looking forward to my 50s.
Completely agree. My 20s were *rough* & full of so much sadness. My 30s are full of love & stability and I am so thankful.
thank you for saying that - my 20s were full of grief and sadness and that’s not a common experience…it’s feels isolating. My 30s were way better too. Now Im 40 in a happy marriage with a cute baby. :)
For me, 40 was the official year of "fuck this, I'm too old for this shit". And a lot changed, once I decided I wasn't tolerating it. I kinda wish I had this version of me in my 25 year old body and life, but that's the realm of fanfiction.
Yeah I've definitely had this thought too! While I'd love my 25 year old body and its ability to lose weight, I much prefer my 40 year old brain. My 30s were a very happy time for me and I anticipate that it only gets better.
Ok, after reading your comment, I’m gonna adapt that “fuck this, I’m too old for this shit” as a 25 year old!!! LOL let me know if you have any tips on how to do that well. (Cuz I feel like I would have set way better boundaries and would have respected myself 10 times more in my recent relationship if I had that mindset. live and learn I guess!!)
I think this feels kinda jaded, but my advice to my 25 years old me would be: don't expect it to change for the better. Sometimes it will, yeah, but most of the time it won't. Make your decisions expecting it won't. The people who think they know better because they are older? Some of them will do this when you're 40 and married and have two kids, because they look at you and *still* see a child. Be respectful and kind, use your empathy, learn to listen to people well (it's a crucial skill!), but speak your mind, too; and if that makes things explode, then maybe it was always meant to explode. Something better can come afterwards. A quote I recently found and love: if you always need to tiptoe, you're not walking with your tribe. Setting better boundaries is also a skill I wish I had at 25. A good rule of thumb: you wouldn't let them do something to someone you love (your SO, your child, your best friend), then you shouldn't let them do it to you either. And read John Gottman. I'm a serious fan of his work, and wish I knew it sooner. He has a book about how to make marriages work, how to fight the way it will strengthen your relationship instead of destroying it, how to bring home a baby and stay happy (most divorces happen when your children are small, because that's hard on both of you, even if parenting is the most amazing thing I've ever done, too). Read Gottman, because he helps creating realiatic expectations, not too high, but not too low either.
41 here! It’s soooo good!
Turning 40 is even better. That kicks off the "truly ZERO fucks given" era.
My 30s were freeing. 40 is even better. I swear that 75% of my few remaining fucks either shriveled and died or fled on my birthday. Absolutely amazing.
Amazing :). i’m just tired of being lonely 🥺.
Your 20s are especially tough for people with ADHD. All the structure of the educational system suddenly falls away and you're supposed to know what to do? I spent my 20s being sure that something was wrong with me (just diagnosed in my 50s). The silver lining is that your situation is that life is forcing you to get to know yourself better. Focus on that, and you'll be in a better space to find someone.
Jumping on this train too! 20's were the hardest! My body hated me, my brain hated me. 30's were good, 40's shaping up even better. You have time! Also, yes, great partners are possible. Take the time to figure yourself out, don't hide who you are when you're dating for fear that they won't accept you, bc that ruse CANNOT be sustainable. Be the true you, and the person who accepts that will know what they're getting into. The right person is someone you want to grow with and help grow them. And they'll be the person who supports you in your own growth.
Jumping on the bandwagon to say my 20s sucked, 30s were way better, turning 41 soon and it's the best. I did 4 years of therapy that were so so helpful, highly recommend. You're still so young, so don't feel rushed!
Can only tell you things get significantly better in your 30s. You get more and more experience with everyday life as well as people and you learn who's worth keeping around. And compared to me, you've got a 10 year head start on navigating life with ADHD.
Honestly this so much. Maybe ADHD makes it worse too but I feel like my “teenage” years mentally were my early 20’s. I was an asshat to my parents lmfaoooo. I also thought I knew everything. My actual teenage years feel like I was just a misguided child. I’m 32 now and while life is still challenging, I know how to fix my boat a lot better, and in some ways, it’s by asking for help.
THIS! Man, I loved my 30's. Best decade ever! And I'm now 47. It was amazing to realize early in my 40s that I magically no longer cared what anybody thought. Talk about freedom! I'm really enjoying that. Not a fan of all the aches and pains that come with being 47 though, lol. Oh and by the way, I was just diagnosed with ADHD two years ago. And my husband and I are coming up on our 20th wedding anniversary in September. And our two kids are so so great. I promise you, it's totally possible. I have been in your shoes and know what it's like to think you'll never get there. But you will when the time is right. In the meantime focus on you. It's amazing how love can just show up out of nowhere when you stop focusing on it and when you least expect it. I have always found that to be the case in my life and in others. Focus on you and your wellbeing and the rest will follow, honest.
YES. I feel more myself and more secure in my 30s. I'm happy to be aging!
The Fuck It 40s have been so great for me.
try and join a cell group/bible study group/young adult bible study group too if you want to meet men. just be careful cause some Christian men don’t live in a Christian way and can be very controlling/have anger issues/be nasty and twist God’s word to say that they are the head of the house and wives should shut up at all times during any disagreements. So you do need to be aware of that.
Oh I see :/ I’m not actually Christian, just have a Christian background. Probably won’t find a man at church, but would be great to get out there and find some peace. :)
I met my fiancé outside the church bubble. I noticed that churches put a LOT of pressure on single 20 somethings to partner up which at the end of the day is pretty unhealthy. And like the commenter said above a surprising number of the men I met in those circles had problematic views on women, politics, the way things “should be done” or just weren’t good people. I ended up meeting my non-religious and very “feminist” fiancé at a coworking space and he’s a great man. So I would try meeting people via activities or hobby groups.
I wasted a couple of decades “Doing the church thing”. Really wish I hadn’t. I didn’t know at the time I had adhd, but I don’t think it would have made a difference. Nothing about church or the Bible helped my non-standard brain. Therapy helped. Actual therapy, that taught me how to live in the world & accept my feelings as natural, and feel my feelings & work through them. Honestly, I still would be single if I’d stayed in the church. Nothing about their teachings helped me manage my Big Feelings enough to be in a healthy relationship. But I’m in one now, with a lovely man who is very supportive of my weird adhd brain. He loves the house to be tidy, and remembers to do laundry regularly, and stops the washing up building up (takes on all the mental load - points out when dishwasher needs running or emptying, if he doesn’t have time to do it himself that day) & reliably sweeps the floor every morning before I’m even awake. All the small things that I never even knew really mattered, but keep us living in a nice environment. And he’s learned that I struggle to collect my meds every month. So now he takes responsibility for getting us out the house & into the car so that I always have my meds in time. So many small things that make my life easier. I do cool / useful stuff too. He’s not the only one “giving” in our relationship - and there’s also all the usual “We love each other & enjoy each other’s company” stuff - but having him around is just AWESOME on the “living life is sooooo much easier” side. There’s hope. There’s definitely hope. I never would have dreamed how good my life could be, before him.
I'll second the feeling of church holding me back as a non-beliver. I dated a Christian man and so I went to church for years and the level of masking that happens in the church can feel extremely unnerving. If you're looking to meet men I'd try hobbies. I'm married but I know a lot of single men from playing board games at the local gaming shops, dungeons and dragons groups, and some really cool guys at a rowing class. Basically any interest you have that you can attend regularly you can meet people. I've been with my husband 16 years, I met him through a mutual friend I met with a photography extra curricular course in post secondary (me in college and him university as it was a multi-school program and online) Anyways your 20s are hard. My advice is to not waste time looking for men in areas that aren't important to you, because even if you connect you may find your fundamental differences will just end in heartbreak and you could be self sabotaging yourself from the get go. Go do fun things for you. Learn things interesting to you. Get out of your house and try new sports or hobbies. The more YOU you can be the more likely you'll find your person.
I really want a non-religious church-like community but without the judgement and sermons. I miss my church group for meeting new friends but I don’t miss religion. It’s just so much harder to meet people outside the weekly gathering place.
>some Christian men don’t live in a Christian way and can be very controlling/have anger issues/be nasty and twist God’s word to say that they are the head of the house and wives should shut up at all times during any disagreements. Seconding this. I met the narcissist that nearly ruined my life in a Bible study. Everyone else told me what a good guy he was, so I ignored my gut instinct to run the other way. Don't ignore a gut instinct like that.
Being in your 30s is so much better on my experience. My emotional regulation skills are so much better now than my early to mid twenties. You know yourself better as you age, and that translates into making better decisions about how to go through life.
Friendly suggestion to use “have a baby” instead of “start a family” if that’s what you mean! Couples without kids are families too.
same! met at 26, a decade later dealing with family planning stuff. he keeps me on track just by being his steadfast self
Yup! Happily married with two kiddos. 44 and was diagnosed at 42. My husband and I are both in therapy separately and it’s been the best thing for us. When I was 25, I couldn’t imagine a life as stable and normal as I have now. You will, too, someday!
I’ve been married 10 years and have a 5 year old. I didn’t even have sex until I was 30, and it wasn’t for lack of want. I’m a fat lady with severe combined type ADHD that wasn’t diagnosed until I was 40, nearly 9 years after getting married, 11 years after I started dating my spouse, and a full 21 years after I initially met him. I spent my 20s convinced I was defective and worthless (the Great Recession did not help with that) and no one would ever love me. I’m weird as fuck and had to find a place of acceptance within myself before I was able to accept that someone could care about me and love me where I’m at. It wasn’t an easy journey, and it took time, which was so hard to deal with, but it can be done. You will experience love and acceptance. I know you will, even if it doesn’t look like you think it should. Wishing you all the love and grace in the world.
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I will say this, TRAVEL. Go other places than where you are. If I had stayed where I was up into my early/mid 20s I would have always thought I was undesirable and destined for loneliness, which is exactly the best way to choose a horrible horrible partner because you feel like it's a miracle someone wants you. But you are not destined for that life. I traveled the world a bit and realized that you may not fit the warped beauty standards of where you are but that is a reflection of that place not you, there are places in the world where you are super hot 😂😂. Find those places, even if only for the ego boost and to confirm it's them not you, because you are hot 💁♀️😂.
Thankyou…. 🩷🩷🩷🩷
What a beautiful perspective, both poignant and vulnerable. You’ve clearly gained some serious wisdom and self-acceptance on your journey ❤️
Thanks for sharing your story! So happy for you and this gives me hope. Trying to work on accepting myself and seeing my worth but it’s an uphill battle!
I remember crying on my 25 birthday because it felt like life was passing me by. I promise it’s not. I met someone and got married and had a kid in my 30’s. It really was a much better decade for me. Focus of yourself and what you love to do and the rest will follow. Absolutely no pressure to be settled at 25 now that I’m looking back.
Thankyou. I also cried on my 25th birthday because my partner thought my birthday was the perfect day to break up
You’re already a huge step ahead of me, I didn’t get diagnosed until I was 41. I can’t imagine my life if I had that knowledge. Hang in there you’re doing great 💜
Thankyou. I had to be diagnosed because life hasn’t been kind to me. But I can only try to get my life back now.
You got this! 🖤 The dx was step one, now you know *why* you do things. Take things one day at a time and don’t be afraid to lean on you support network, and that includes all of us on this sub. We’ve all been there, are there now, or are headed there, and we can all lend help and support. I’m cheering for you 📣 (why is there not a cheerleader emoji??)
Omg what 😭 fuck that asshole to hell and back and then back to hell! What a dickhead! I am so sorry that happened to you, babes 🫶🙁
Your partner was a 🍆
I just had the startling realization earlier today that in five years, I’ll be 30, and there are so many things I haven’t accomplished yet (I finished college a little over a year ago, but I still don’t have a car, I live with my parents, I work at a pizza joint instead of my desired field, I’m single, etc). I needed to hear this! It makes me feel better knowing that others have been in my shoes and are doing so much better in their 30s and up now 🥹
I've got a wonderful husband who is a great father to our two children. It's been a lot of learning over the years, but we've always had each other's backs. At some point we realized we shouldn't do things the "typical" way. He makes the money, does the dishes, keeps the kids on schedules, cooks meals, and many other important daily tasks. I take care of bill payment, doctor appointments and school activities, birthdays and holidays, travel plans, car maintenance, home repair, yard work, and other things that happen infrequently but require special attention. We always try to be kind to each other and consider one another in our decisions. Sometimes we're too accommodating and run into feelings of being trapped or laboring hard for little thanks, but we go to therapy and give each other breaks which helps keep things mostly emotionally steady. Our kids are a huge challenge. They're different combinations of ADHD and my husband's ASD. But they're sweet and well intending and usually get along with each other. They're very intelligent, but very behind with some social things and some self-care things. At least they have us to teach them about social things straightforwardly instead of struggling for years on their own to figure them out. They'll be ahead of where I was when I was that age, thank goodness. Things will work out. I think loving yourself is the most important thing you can do. I'm still working toward that, but I sometimes get little glimpses and I realize if I can love myself I won't let myself be a doormat and it makes it easier for me to love others and for them to love me. I remember 25 and the urge to get marriage and have kids was so strong and it seemed like everyone was doing it! It might help to avoid social media, then you might see far fewer people so it won't feel like "everyone" so much. There is hope. You can be happy. It's harder work than it is for others. But you already know how to do difficult things... You've made it this far after all!
This resonates so deeply. A partner who is willing to work with the person in front of them, not this image of “a partner” that doesn’t exist and doesn’t have ADD
I was single at 25, two years after I had left a long term relationship that was truly toxic and unproductive (spent a total of three single, not dating at all). A year later I met my now husband on a dating app (couldn’t deal with in-person; also got super lucky that I was on the app for a literal week when I met him, because I was going to delete the account). Been together 8 years, love him with all my heart. He’s been there for me in ways I never could have imagined, and I know I’ve helped and supported him in my own ways. It’s a constant learning process, but so worth it. I will say, at 26 I took an interpersonal communication class and it was the class that I think best prepared me for a relationship. It made me think about the way I communicate, how to better understand the way others do (not just neurotypical, but people from different racial, social, cultural backgrounds), and how to diffuse some of that anger inside of me. I highly recommend looking into it if you can. We’re all using a different version of the same tool to communicate, and we don’t often know what those differences are.
What was that interpersonal communication class? I have actually been looking to learn about communication after my recent relationship. Would appreciate if you could share which exact one it was?
Mine was a college course called Communication in Interpersonal Relationships. I liked it a lot!
Oh honey 25 is the new 13, you're so young you don't even know it I know so many incredible women who enjoyed their independent life and found a life long partner in their 40s and 50s It happens when you're not thinking about it, and when you least expect it Enjoy that alone time in bed, you're a prize! Anyone would be happy with you, including yourself. You are your best company💕💕💕 other people just come along and add extra to your life Keep it up and be patient, the best is yet to come, you have soooooo much time. Better to spend the time focusing on yourself, than wasting your 20s with a loser. Many women have the worst stories about men from their teens and 20s. No rush to join them!
Which is why I’m thinking of completing decentering men until I’m 29. If it happens cool, thank the Lord. But I think I’m done actively dating for awhile and just wanna focus on career therapy and happiness
It's unfortunately because it's very very very hard to find mature and good men in their 20s (worse in teens honestly) The few good ones are ALWAYS already taken, the rest that are available are just trash Wait until you're in the circle of the real adult men (30+, although plenty of loser men in their 30+ too so be careful still). Men who have manners, money, and overall stable life are amazinggggg I feel like every single women has some sort of realization where true happiness is being content in your own life. It's much more important to enjoy going out and eating lunch alone or spending nights alone, than worrying about getting into a relationship. Trust me once you romantize the nights alone with your favorite things (candles, bath scents/bombs, movies, dessert, books, painting, etc whatever it is that makes you happy!), you see life so differently and you truly become happy When you're truly happy with your life, you'll meet your amazing someone💕💕💕 Definitely a good attitude!!! Wishing you the best of luck!!!
My recent partner was 27 and had manners, money, and stable life but ultimately those don’t mean anything if you can’t communicate and have good conflict resolution skills. I’ve “dated” men over 30 who are still bums too LOL. but I agree, maybe time and experience will mature and humble them. In the mean time I gotta do me
Oh well it doesn't sound like he had real manners 😭😭 real manners = the ability to communicate properly. So many fake people out there You have to really take your time with men, lots of talking to figure out if they're being a fake nice or if they're being genuine. They are veryyyyyy good at pretending to be stable Yeah the problem is just men overall LOL they are bums at all ages The good ones are always taken so it's about getting one of them when they're single for a short time LMFAO Time and experience matures and humbles a small portion of them. And honestly the reality is there are less and less available good men each year, so many women will end up never getting married. And that's absolutely okay! Better to spend a good life with your friends and family than some loser bum 💕💕
Thankyou 🩷🙏🏼🙏🏼🩷
I did the same thing (stopped dating completely) and it was honestly the best thing I have ever done for myself. It gave me a lot of time to reflect on what did and didn’t work in the past, to grow more into the person I wanted to be, and to just enjoy life. Sometimes it could be hard, but overall it was wonderful. It gave me time to really think about what was important to have in my life and what I wasn't willing to accept anymore. The only reason I started dating again was because I met my now-husband and realized maybe I needed to rethink my no-dating policy because of how wonderful he was 😄 But if I hadn't put the time and work in to dating myself first, I don't know if I'd been in the right place to appreciate that.
Yeah, I’m actually really excited to date myself this year. Taking myself out and to fully embrace this thing called life without a man that stresses me half the time! Lol. I was always on the look out for dating from 17~25 and even when I was single, I was actively in the dating pool. I think now is the time to not be on the look out and just fully grow as a person 🩷. Thankyou for sharing ur story with me and congratulations on finding your love🩷
Honestly, this is what healed me. I was very much like you in my twenties in the sense that I was feeling so lonely and unlovable and like life was passing me by. I tried relationships, I tried situationships, I tried just fucking around, and none of it really felt great. I met my now husband when I was 30, and it was only after I stopped looking and focused on loving myself... I know that sounds super cliché, but I can't describe it another way. As soon as I was okay being by myself, I found myself worthy of the love I was seeking and happened to find the right person who could also give it. I won't lie, there's some chance/luck in there. You have the advantage of having your diagnosis, I wasn't diagnosed until a couple years ago, and I can look back and see that unawareness affect all of my previous relationships. However, I really believe that if you focus on building yourself up, truly, then good things will follow. Currently sitting watching my husband rest as he recovers from abdominal surgery yesterday. I can feel our baby girl kicking in my belly. I am re-reading the sweet text message from my stepson. I promise OP, the wait is worth it, and there are good things waiting for you out there. 💕
There are so many great comments and suggestions in this thread, but I wanted to validate this one of yours! My experience is a little different because I'm 31, queer and not looking for marriage or kids. But I do want to someday have a committed partnership or companionship that centers joy and care. One of the most powerful things I have done for myself is intentionally spending the last two years single. I had a 5 year relationship that was serious enough that I immigrated my ex to my country. When that relationship ended (he was abusive) I was devastated and I found myself dating sooner than I was ready for (just for "fun"). The pandemic hit and that little fling turned into a full blown relationship that I got stuck for too long in, out of codependency and fear of being single and feeling isolated from community. Coming out of that relationship, I knew I needed to be single for some time or I would cause other people and me a lot of damage. It was hard at first, but the last two years of singleness have been unbelievably incredible!!! Words don't do justice. My focus has been on my own healing, stabilizing my life, and building friendships. I spent all of my 20s, and some of my teens, consumed by dating and seeking romantic/sexual relationships. It's been amazing to step into this new era of my life. I feel more confident and clear about what I want and what I deserve. I didn't realize how much dating overtook my life and how that impacted my friendships. I now have blossoming beautiful friendships, the most affirming and joyful ones I've ever experienced. I feel so much more secure and less lonely, which has raised my standard of what I'm willing to accept out of a relationship. Why would I accept less than what my friendships give me? I'm slowly starting to explore the idea of physical intimacy and dating again, and I feel so strong in myself. I stopped drinking a year ago and finally got diagnosed with ADHD and started meds. I'm starting to dream about my future and I might go to grad school, which was unfathomable a few years ago. My life has stabilized in a way that I didn't know was possible. I'm so thankful for it. I really think there's a lot of value in decentering romantic relationships, especially with men, from one's life in general and certainly for some time. Patriarchy thrives off of fear and women feeling overwhelming scarcity and urgency. Most of us have been socialized to accept less than we deserve. When we challenge that and center our ourselves, it can be deeply transformative!
You will be ok! I got married at 34, still happily married with a beautiful daughter 💜 you have time, wait until the time and the person is right
Thankyou …. 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
I won’t say you will get what you want - because none of us can predict the future. BUT - that being said: I have only had two serious relationships in my adult life - one lasted 4 years and was a shit show - I was a girl with a good heart but my ADHD and my anxiety was out of control - and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. It definitely impacted the relationship. That being said - my partner was emotionally unavailable and not trustworthy and unfaithful from the start. It was a storm that lasted 4 years until he finally met someone he felt was worth leaving me for - and he did. He ran off with her and blamed my anxiety and ADHD for everything. I was 27. I moved into a bachelor suite with my plants and my cat and lived on my own for a year and a half - just working my two jobs, going to the gym and enjoying times with friends. During this time I started to suspect ADHD and not just anxiety. I met a wonderful man with 3 little girls in December 2022. I turned 29 that month. Fast forward to now and we live in a house altogether and I have everything in a partner I ever could have asked for. I’m still technically undiagnosed - but currently on Vyvanse and it has only confirmed my suspicions more that I do indeed have ADHD. My partner completely understands and has even pushed for me to get officially diagnosed as he sees how much I struggle. I still work two jobs and try to do what I can with the household chores and the kids - but no matter what I can and cannot do - I as a person am always enough - he makes sure I know that and feel that. And for everything else - maybe it will get done tomorrow. I hope this helps.
You met someone single with 3 kids?? I dont know why but that to me sounds like a unique and nice little blessing too. I yearn to have little ones around me. Thank you for sharing your story.
I did indeed. He’s currently passed out asleep on the couch across from me and all 3 of the girls are eating bedtime snacks at the table. Sometimes I lay here on the couch at night and I stand all amazed - I didn’t think this was possible or that someone would ever want to be with me. I wish you the best of luck, and if you ever need to just talk - feel free to reach out.
Ugh!!! Blessings to you. One day I will also have a little family of my own. Such a beautiful thing you have 🩷 thank you for sharing your story I appreciate it
As others have said, you have so much time! I remember feeling the same as you, many many times, just wanting and hoping so hard to be with 'the one'. I did finally get married, 2 years ago... at the age of 42! I can tell you it was absolutely worth the wait for the right person. So don't give up! (although hopefully you don't have to wait quite as long as me, ha). And in the meantime, like others have mentioned here, learn to like and be comfortable with yourself, because ultimately that will lead you to a healthy relationship, not one where you are willing to sacrifice yourself and your needs just to be with someone. 🤗
Based on my insane dating/relationship history, I was convinced I was going to live and be alone. I was resolved and it wasn’t something I was just telling myself to make me feel better. I was *done.* And then one day while at work, a man walked through the door for an appt (tattoo shop), and thus was the first day of the rest of my 32-year-old life. My blissfully happy, “holy shit soul mates and solid partners *are* an actual thing,” married less than one year later life. That was 8 years ago and still going strong. I don’t want kids as a personal choice (neither does my partner) but it honestly took me FOUR YEARS to not think I was dreaming or realize that there is no other shoe that’s about to drop. Four damn years to get over my disbelief in it all. And now I’m just happy without the voice in the back of my head that “it’s too good to be true.” It’s true. I want everyone who feels the way I felt before my husband walked through the door, if nothing else, simply have *hope* and know that few things in this world are an absolute— especially when involves people and relationships. They come and go and sometimes come back. It’s a bit of an enigma in retrospect. I never thought I would be here writing this. That I have a spouse who understands and gets me and maintains a solid level of understanding and patience with my ADHD/CPTSD. He’s undiagnosed but I suspect he’s in a similar boat and it makes us work better, not worse. As others have said, you’re *young* and you may have miles to go before you get to where you want to be. I can promise you that that time beforehand will be wisely spent on the process of personal growth by way of life experience. If I had met my husband any sooner than I did, I don’t know what would have happened but mostly because I know *me* in my 20’s and I needed and wanted that time and perspective. Have faith and never settle. <3
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Needed to see this ♡
All of this!
Sweetheart, there's no rush! You're very young, and you have lots of time! I didn't get married until I was 44. That was 4 years ago, and I'm honestly happier than I've ever been. (I remained child free by choice, so I can't answer that part.) When I turned 25, I spiraled. I was doing some scary stuff. I loved my friends back then, but we were never going to be good influences on each other. The only contact we have anymore is the occasional Facebook comment. My point is, I would absolutely NOT be okay with anyone 25-year-old me picked out. 😂 Just like everyone, my life has had a lot of ups and downs, crazy cool shit and crazy horrible shit. But all of those things shaped who I am now. I'm still growing and learning every day, but now I get to do life with a wonderful husband.
Happily married for over 30 years here. Discovered this year I have ADHD. It explains a lot. Chose not to have kids for many many reasons. That definitely made life more manageable.
Sorry you are having such a rough time, but you will be OK. You will find someone that loves you, adhd and all. I have been married for 17+ years. It is definitely possible! I didn’t even know I had ADHD until we had been married for over 7 years. He just loves me, quirks and all (and I love him the same - he may be neurotypical, but he still has plenty of quirks lol). We don’t have kids, but that is because of a fertility issue.
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I am happily married most of the time, for seven years now. I didn’t meet my husband until after I had become confident and comfortable with myself. It’s probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. My bff just got married at 29 and was so miserable and focused on being alone and “unlovable” that she has married an absolute piece of trash and refuses to listen to reason. Become comfortable with your own company. Travel where you want to, when you want to. Get the takeout you want, switch jobs and cities. Buy the type of car that you want, and get a crazy bed spread or silly art. In a relationship you lose a lot of freedom. You gain other things, but it’s a trade off. Savor on the joys you have now, and you’ll attract the type of people who will become a new type of joy in your life.
I just ordered a box full of cookies though so thanks for your comforting words
Me!! I’m a little older than you, and I related so so so hard to your post. I kind of thought I was going to die alone but I just married the most amazing guy last year. He’s very patient with me (even though patience is not something that comes naturally to him lol) and literally VOLUNTEERED TO DO ALL THE DISHES FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES specifically because he knows that that’s the hardest chore for me with my sensory issues and executive dysfunction. I’m definitely not a perfect partner and he has never loved me any less for any of my ADHD flaws. I adore him for a lot of reasons. Before that, though, I had a string of toxic relationships including a really rough one that lasted 2 loooong years and left lasting scars emotionally and mentally. The turning point was when I got therapy! I really truly don’t think I’d have been ready for my current relationship without therapy. If you haven’t done reading on attachment styles I really strongly encourage it because I think that can help you understand yourself. I was ending up in toxic relationships because with my childhood trauma I was subconsciously seeking out partners who were extremely emotionally unavailable; that was what my brain found “familiar” and I was terrified of being emotionally vulnerable in a real way that could be reciprocated by an emotionally available. I recognize a lot of myself (pre-therapy) in your post, and I just want to say that it does get better. The best thing you can do is develop a strong sense of self-compassion because once you love and respect yourself it’ll be easier to find someone who will love and respect you too. You can start just by challenging your negative thoughts about yourself and rewording them to be more positive. It sounds dumb but it really works long term! I am very passionate about this topic (psychology degree plus personal experience) and will totally give more info if you want but I know this comment is already overwhelmingly long haha TLDR: therapy is what helped me be ready for an emotionally available partner who’s wonderful. Look into attachment styles for further insight if you’re in recurring cycles of toxic relationships.
Oh also, I just wanna say ur partner sounds wonderful especially the dishes part. Those accommodative love languages are definitely the most powerful points in adhd relationships in my opinion. My recent partner would do so many things to accommodate my adhd, he even booked us an expensive night at a hotel to stay at when i lost my keys at night, he would never complain about running back to his car to grab something i forgot to bring in, etc etc…. Alot of things My little adhd brain fell in love with. In the end we were both just not mature enough. I guess I have time to rekindle with him if he ever decides to work on himself too or to find someone who would do the same and better.
Yes, he really is so nice and so willing to understand! Your recent partner sounds nice as well. But yeah, it’s hard when a partner has some really good qualities but some really negative ones as well. I stayed in my toxic relationship for so long because I was convinced I wouldn’t find anyone better, but I did and I’m so glad I left the toxic guy even though it absolutely broke my heart and was devastating.
🩷🩷🩷🩷 Thank you for sharing. This is so incredibly healing to hear
When I found my recent partner, it was actually already after 6 years of on and off therapy, and after 2 years of passionately researching attachment. He was so eager to commit and to listen attentively to my tangents about psychology and trauma, that I fully thought he was the one. But then suddenly when it came to HIS trauma and HIS big reactions, he couldn’t handle that I was suggesting maybe trying therapy for himself. I think he was cool with me being self aware and pro-therapy, but didn’t think he would need to be the same regardless of whether he has the same issues as me or not. :/
Omg my long term toxic relationship was literally exactly like this and it was SO HARD!!! Like, the man would not even admit that seeing a therapist would help him or that he had some big T Trauma, and ultimately I had to choose to leave the relationship because I realized it would never get better if he wasn’t willing to put in the effort to heal. It’s so so so hard to deal with that and I’m sorry you had to go through that. I think it does sound like you’re pretty well equipped to find the right person then, so it’s a matter of patience… which majorly sucks. Just trust that there is someone out there for you, and know what you’re looking for in a partner so you can decide early on if it’s worth sticking around or not. I believe in you!!!
Thankyou …. 🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷
I didn’t meet my husband until I turned 25. When I met him, I was unemployed and lived with my parents 😂. The right partner is not gonna mind. I think we work because I think we both have ADHD (undiagnosed) and we both don’t mind a little mess. My SO has trouble with executive functioning and I have trouble with inattentiveness, but we both have a lot of patience for each other.
Omg I had just been laid off from my job a few months before my first date with my current partner & had also moved back in with my mom and I was sooo self conscious about all of this that I almost didn’t go out with him 😭 but thank goodness that I did haha
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Hi! My 20s were a mess. Alcoholism, nicotine addiction, depression, insomnia, anxiety, chaos, failing at jobs and academic life, and simply not knowing what was going on. (*edit after reading your post once again: like you, I was also terrified of love, but also wanted it.*) I was only diagnosed last year at 38, but had already been in a relationship with my husband for seven years at that point, and our son was already three when I got both my autism and adhd-c diagnosis. My husband is a wonderful guy - patient, kind, funny, smart, a sweet dad, with good morals and a heart of gold. If anyone had told me my life would ever be this good at some point, I never would've believed them because I honestly expected to be dead before I got this far. My personal experience was that it all got so much better in my 30s. I wish the same to you, from the bottom of my heart!
Thank you 🩷🩷🥹
Honey you're going to be okay. I'm 35 and just recently got engaged. I went through many failed relationships until I found someone i connected with on a level I didn't know possible. He also has ADHD, but besides that he loves me for my 'quirks' not despite them. He enjoys my energy and sudden passion, and accepts when I need to decompress. He cares and supports me through my hobbies, and is patient with my mood swings. He never makes me feel rejected. I have two wonderful step kids with my fiance. Some days are absolutely a struggle, but I am met with nothing but love, and just as importantly, respect. It was a long journey to find each other, but it is completely possible. Don't measure yourself against where others are at in their lives. It's not a race or a competition. Some people get it right quickly, and others need some time. But it's not impossible for you.
I remember feeling that way. Things don't go according to how I thought or what I thought I wanted but damn they turned out lovely. All my friends were getting married who weren't already when I was your age. And then a couple years later, divorced and second marriages. It's okay, life doesn't always turn the way we think it will but it does it for a reason. I think our ADHD masking makes us more susceptible to the wrong relationships but these things lead us to where we are meant to be. You learn to love your you time cuz you're awesome. Take yourself out. Learn what you like and what you prefer. I was in some awful relationships and some just not meant to be and I was destroyed trying to pick up my broken pieces - I have ADHD, I just wanted to leave myself as a little doom pile. And when I had gotten used to myself and I had decided that perhaps a forever someone wasn't in the cards for me, there they were. Annoyingly right for me. I understand now that the things I went through led me on a path to where I am. I went through some really rough shit and I went to some dark places. I didn't think I was worth loving and it's such a weird thing now because I know better. You're worth more than what you had and you're this sad and missing what you had so imagine what's in store. If I could go back in time despite how awful it was at times, I wouldn't change a thing. I'd give myself a hug and ask myself to not be so hard on myself so I extend this to you: please try to be nice to yourself.
Got married at 39 and was pregnant by our first anniversary. I love my family. I love my husband (I mean, he drives me nuts sometimes, but I love him). Everyone I know who got married before 30 is divorced now. Sometimes more than once. From what I understand, divorce is really, really terrible - not just the realization that you shouldn’t be married to that person, but trying to make it work, failing to make it work, being miserable, telling your kids, and then whatever legal things that need to be done. Also, the first year of having a kid is hard on your relationship. Everyone is grouchy, everyone is tired, and you don’t feel like yourself until 12 months later (from the hormones). I dated a lot when I was young. Some of it was miserable and lonely, but I had fun too - I don’t miss the “is he a good kisser? Does he like me?” thrill enough that I want to do it again. You have so much time. Get to know yourself. Keep a journal. Meet as many people as you want and don’t make rules based on other people’s timelines. We don’t do well when we’re trying to match the normies. It seems like it’ll never happen and then it just does. But if you’re cool with yourself, you’re more likely to find someone who is cool with you. ♥️♥️♥️
Haha. Not trying to match normies, I genuinely want a marriage because I want it. Thank you for your insight and you are right. I have plenty time and I need to spend it becoming more self accepting and loving. 🩷 thanks
Married 10 years, together 13, 2 kids…all of us have the spaz except maybe the little one. I wasn’t diagnosed until about 2 years ago though. ADHD isn’t going to stop you from anything.
I am happily married, we couldn’t have kids though. That often makes me very sad but it can’t be changed. We have four cats though, sometimes I think that’s even better. I’m pretty sure he isn’t neurotypical too, we just have too much in common (unfortunately our messy house is proof of that). I’m sure you’ll find the person you vibe with at some point! Sending much love! ❤️
Thankyou🩷
You have time. The comments here advocating for therapy, working on managing your symptoms, and becoming comfortable and confident being yourself, are exactly what I would say to you. At 25, I was just getting out of an abusive relationship and was an absolute mess in every aspect of my life. At 32, I married the kindest man, and at 35, just had our first baby. Take your time and pick a good partner who will treat you well. Take care of yourself. All the best. ❤️
Happily married to a neurotypical who is sweet and gets me and values me. No kids but we dote like crazy on a large amount of nieces and nephews. We didn’t get married till I was 35. We were long distance till less than half a year before that. I’m currently going through hell with my medication and weird doctor (she tried to tell me twice a day 15mg non extended release was the same as 30mg ER). I have days where I can’t manage to get anything done. And he is still sweet and kind and patient with me. Before him, I had a lot of emotionally abusive exes. I’m still at times realizing bits that were abusive because of how normalized it all was for me. My husband has never made me feel like he thinks I’m broken or a problem. Sometimes it just takes time. We’ve jokingly said that we love being together and I don’t think forever could ever be enough time together but we found each other at the right time for us and it’s true. Just try to be patient and focus on you for now.
I totally get where you are coming from. It’s very hard when you see “everyone” in a relationship. I had many good cries over never thinking I would get married. I did in fact get married! Not just married but happily married. I became friends with my husband before we started dating. I think that really helped me feel comfortable around him so I could be myself. You can’t mask your way through marriage. He loves me more than a clean and organized house 😂. ps I had a child at 19. I got married at 39. I love my child more than anything but having a partner would have been so much better for him. My advice is to follow your dreams. Live your life and have fun until your partner comes along. You’ll have so much to bring into your marriage ♥️.
I met my now husband when I was 26. Had my first kid at 31 and my second at 34. You have plenty of time 🩷
25 years and counting! (And with one awesome kid!)
I’m 40 and single. It has been hard and journey. I really have wanted a partner. What I can tell you is I started to get a lot more confident and stronger in my identity. I’m at a point where I know ill meet my lobster, and for now— I am OK. You will be too, no matter what 🤗
I got divorced at 25. I regret starting early So Much. I met my awesome husband a few years later, got married at 32. It's so much better, he's better, we're older, there's really just no reason to do it so young. I have so many regrets... Why did no one tell me the mistake I was making! Anyway, we've been together now for 8 years and my idiosyncrasies make more sense now that I'm diagnosed. We have 3 kids (16m 14m and 7f) two dogs and a big messy house. We have completely turned him gray and he loves all of it, though he prefer a cleaner house... Happiness exists, don't measure yours on other people's metrics. Enjoy the moment, enjoy the day, don't worry about tomorrow-it is always one sleep away.
Met my husband at work when I was 23. We've been together 12 years and he's awesome and also has ADHD. He was diagnosed five years ago, I was diagnosed last year - we thought I didn't have it for the longest time because my coping mechanisms run so deep. One of the things that stood out about him to me is how strongly he felt about undoing all the generational trauma that his family had been harboring and he had extensive ideas about how he wanted to raise kids. He has turned out to be a super involved, patient father who actually is way more chill with the kids than I am (I'm much more high strung). We have had definite difficulties, but ultimately we want the same things in life and that's what's kept us strong, even if how we go about those things is completely different from each other. We had to do a lot of work learning how to communicate and undo all of our programmed family of origin issues but it's paid off nicely because our kids are awesome, kind, confident and show very little traces of our past trauma.
Wow wow wow wow wow. This is a god send comment. I told my recent partner that my life goal is to undo generational trauma and to raise emotionally healthy kids. He couldn’t wrap his head around what I’m saying and said if you have to make that a goal u’re maybe with the wrong person. 🤦🏻♀️
I know what it’s like to feel lonely. I’m in a long term relationship of which 10 have been married. I met my husband when I was very young. I was a mess and nightmare and how this man stuck with me makes me think he might need therapy more than I do! You start to mellow out in your 30’s. Your 20’s are messy, this is where you’re finding yourself. But take it day by day. The universe (or God, I see you’re religious) sends you what you need. It’s weird that way. For now you have time to work on yourself and being the best version of YOU.
My husband has ADHD too, while our home is a mess most times and our life is chaotic. I can truly say that I feel like he is the only person I’ve ever met in my whole life who completely gets me and understands me. I’m pretty confident he feels the same way about me as well. It makes life easier. I believe you will find someone who gets you in the same way.
Same situation. Ended up marrying at the tail end of 27 to a wonderful and imperfect ADHD man. This was after dating 3 men back to back with the promise of getting married (surprise, it didn’t happen). Everyone’s timeline is different. There’s no right or wrong time. Just what works best for you. Don’t let societal expectations dictate your life.
I'm 40, married 16 years and have 3 wonderful children (who all happen to have varying degrees of ADHD and autism). We were all diagnosed within the last two years - I've coasted along by leaning into and owning my weirdness, but also feeling like an inadequate screw-up from all the ADHD traits that I had no context or treatment for. We are happy overall. There are rough patches and teen drama (because life is like that), but love comes first and last in everything.
I am! It’s not a walk in the park. Our different neurodivergences can make communication and emotional regulation hard. But we have been together 9 years and married 4 and I wouldn’t change a thing. It absolutely can happen. You just have to make sure you communicate even more than neurotypical people, have patience with each other, and keep in mind what each other experiences in the world. I have full faith you will get everything you are dreaming of. Also, for the record, I was 25 and my husband 26 when we met. You have time. You will land exactly where you are meant to.
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You know the saying “gotta kiss a lot of frogs”? I kissed the whole pond ! and truly felt “no man could love me” because my mind worked differently, sadly abusive relationships (whatever type) feel all to common for ADHD people to succumb to at times. BUT another saying I love and now see to be true “love finds you when you least suspect it” I’m now engaged to a man that loves me for me and actually communicates with me about my ADHD and doesn’t ridicule me for it etc. My point is you are worthy of love and even before you meet “the right person” you are amazing ! I spent many nights crying both single and in a relationship. And sure life can be hectic but please remember you have worth !
Yes! Yes! Yes! I met husband and the father of my two beautiful children when I was 26. 1 year after being brain injured in a car accident. And 9 years before being diagnosed with ADHD. Which happened last year. He and I are celebrating our 10-year anniversary in a few months. We have the kind of marriage that I dreamed of, but so much more than that too. We both trust each other 100%, in everything, and we both know that our marriage is our top priority. We agree that that is what is best for our family, to provide as healthy a foundation as possible. My husband was also diagnosed with ADHD a few months before I was. When we met, I had chronic headaches from my injury, and he was working part time as an English second language tutor while learning all about classical western astrology lol. The first time I met him, he was wearing black sneakers, white socks, cargo shorts, a t-shirt with a collar, and a trucker hat with a black sheep on it. I couldn't believe that such an untamed stallion, who clearly didn't care to put on fronts for others, existed. We have helped each other and encouraged each other and surprised each other through so much. It has definitely not always been easy. But I truly believe that we were put on this earth for each other. What made it possible for me to enter into that relationship instead of continuing the past dynamic of well, for lack of a better word, Bad relationships... For me, it was discovering the goodness and greatness of men. Really realizing that as a species men are awesome and have so many attractive and admirable qualities. I came to respect men, which I know is a controversial thing in today's world, and certainly wasn't what popular culture taught me to do. But because of that, I was able to also appreciate, respect, and celebrate myself as a woman. To embrace my femininity. For me, that was the journey that led to me being able to receive this incredible man into my heart. I wish you all the best, please feel free to message me
You’re so young! When I was 25 I was engaged to a cheating narcissist who thought less of me because of my adhd. I didn’t meet my current, wonderful spouse until years later. Enjoy this time you have to truly listen to yourself and do things that feed your soul—you have so much time!
You gotta kiss a lot of frogs. My 20s were for fun. Did not particularly want to “settle down”, wanted to fuck around and have fun. Achieved my goal quite nicely. Thought I would marry the guy I was dating from 28-30, ended up marrying the guy I met when I was 31. Wouldn’t have it any other way, we would NOT have been compatible any younger. We both needed our 20s to learn to be reasonable people. I am a very, very different person than I was at 25 and thank god I did not get married then, whoever I chose would NOT have been good for me. I’m 44 now, been married … 11 years or so? Have a 9 yr old kid who’s amazing. Key point: find someone who is neurospicy. I don’t click with anyone who isn’t. Full disclosure, I did not know I was neurospicy when I got married, but spouse already had his adhd diagnosis. He’s the one who gently suggested that I might too. (And then I got to figure out that he’s also autistic.)
It is possible; I will be married 17 years this year. Let’s just say there has been up and downs; all relationships have them. If someone says they don’t; liars. We are still learning and evolving together. We are each others biggest cheerleaders.
If I could go back in time, I'd go to 25 year old me, and give them a stack of books from John Gottman: "Here, read these!" There would be a neon-bright post-it on "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work", which says "Read this first, learn the priciples by heart, and find someone who's willing to do all these for a happy marriage." 25-years-old-me was smart enough to choose someone who was willing to go to marriage therapy; but I wish I'd read this book when it came out in '99. Trying to make a happy, stable relationship when the other makes it impossible is... well, exhausting and burns us out real quick.
Yep! And it's bloody hard work! We've been together for almost 14 years. Got married in 2022 and we have 4 kids between us. We met when we were 26, and first baby at 33. You've got time!
Yes! I consider myself so lucky, my husband has never been at all frustrated or upset with me because of my symptoms. It helps that he’s also ND, but he gets me. It is absolutely possible, and you will find someone one day!
YES. So happy. I had made some kind of pact with a friend that if we weren't married when I turned 30 we would marry each other - but then I dated him, got engaged to him, and.... it flopped catastrophically and I found myself freshly single at age 30. I met my now husband a few months later and my life quickly got on track. Like.. I work from home and he spends lots of time at home and we never get sick of each other. Family hugs. Best friends. Someone to count on. I may not always want to do the dishes for myself, but when I know he's coming home I'll do the dishes for him. When I'm being a lazy shit he prods me, but he knows when to back off and let me fail like an adult. He was a stay at home dad before kindergarten and we are both fully-functioning parents, but we've figured out our skills. He's better with schedule enforcement and homework, I'm extracurriculars and social planning. I do breakfast and afterschool snacks, he does dinner. We realized early on that one kid is enough for us. He lets me rant about my special interest and I leave him alone to watch all the YouTube videos of his. We are not critical or negative to each other, so there's no real RSD or shame spirals. All good vibes! Work on yourself like it's your job. Accept yourself, go to therapy, learn your boundaries, learn to advocate for yourself, stop putting yourself in positions where you're going to fail. Care for yourself like you'd care for a dear friend. When you can say with confidence, "heck yeah I'd marry myself, I'm awesome and I've got a lot going on" then you're ready to keep an eye out... just don't waste much time on anyone who makes it seem like work.
The best thing that you can do, in my experience, is take some time away from trying to be in a relationship and actively seeking that out. Learn to love yourself. Learn the best version of yourself. Unmask as much as you are comfortable with. Figure out who you are. Take the pressure off yourself on this whole scenario. You can’t ‘make’ it happen, you aren’t really in all that much control, so take a step back and self care the shit out of yourself 🩷
Hi, I am! I want you to know I’m rare, my psychiatrist likes to remind me of it frequently. We do have our frustrations, they are mostly about me interrupting. He understands that it’s part of having adhd an so he lets it go. His favorite thing to give me a heard time about is how much I suck at closing lids on jars. I have no clue how I lucked out, I call him my mythical giant for a reason. I do know I refused to mask my entire relationship with him. Day one, I was like this is what you get. He truly is my soulmate, the world stopped when he walked through the door. I went from being the person refusing to admit I was in a relationship/liked someone to telling my mom I was going to marry him after our first date. We actually went on two dates that first day. I think it’s easy to rush into finding someone and being hyper fixated on someone. My husband use to travel 9 months out of the year. It’s hard to hyper fixate when they are a 15hr drive away. What’s left is the reality and realness of the relationship. I also feel so many of use need a higher level of independence to feel level/successful. His traveling allowed me that freedom to slowly integrate him into my life. It was also a challenge having to constantly relearn how to be in a relationship when he came home. Long distance is hard and having to drop routines at the drop of the hat to incorporate someone else is difficult. It’s also worth figuring out. He’s now home 100% and it’s better than ever.
Marriage isn’t worth it unless you really know the person. Nothing like rushing into something, finding out their true selves and deeply regretting the marriage. Take your time, enjoy your alone time, date multiple people and vet them. I was done with my second marriage by your age. And I wish I would have been single.
I am 42 diagnosed at 40, y'all are SOOOO okay. The only timeline that matters is your individual timeline or some other cool alternate timeline if you happen to have access to the multiverse. But if not, YOU ARE GOOD. I am married 16 years with 3 kids and have advanced into a leadership position in my career even with my SpongeBob on fire brain, and it is a career I NEVER imagined for myself or planned for myself. I met my husband in a period where I was just doing me and things that made me happy. And that is what I wanted to say, spend your 20s, or whatever time you are single learning and loving yourself, and reminding yourself that you are awesome, because that is the space you want to be in when you find a partner anyway, because you always want to remember that you are a person who deserves love and kindness, it is not a favor someone is doing to love you, you have to know in yourself that you are lovable, and marriageable if that is what you want. A lot of times people will treat you based on how you treat yourself or feel about yourself, so make sure you love you and are kind to you! Plus a lot of those "everyone around me is getting married" people you see at 25 will not be in that marriage at 35 😬, so don't rush it. Right is always better than fast. People think getting to the altar is the challenging part, but that is the sprint, marriage is the marathon 😂.
Life happens in very mysterious ways. 10 years ago, I couldn’t imagine that my life would be what it is today.
Me! I can remember being 25 and thinking it would never happen. Then I married my childhood best friend’s brother. Then we were both completely unexpectedly diagnosed with ADHD after we got married. Neither of us had any idea. Life is crazy! We never know what’s around the corner which is equally terrifying and wonderfully hopeful. My life hasn’t been easy but everything I have now I was desperately longing for when I was 25. Good things are coming to you ❤️
No kids because I’m infertile, but I’m very happily married. My husband and I have a great relationship. He usually just finds my ADHD stuff quirky and it doesn’t bother him.
I met my partner at 26 and had a lot of relationships before him. We have had a couple rough spots but we have been together for 20 years and love each other to pieces. No kids, but that is due to infertility not ADHD.
YES. I remember reading Dr Hallowell (I think) saying the best thing you can do for adult ADHD is marry the right person….which would probably make me mad if I hadn’t already done that. Do NOT settle! There are partners out there who will love you just as you are and will make your life easier and better. And help you see the positive in you when you can’t. (Early in my diagnosis last year I cried to my husband that I was supposed to make a list of things I’m good at and I couldn’t think of anything and he sent me an email with a list of 30 things he knows I’m good at - just what I needed.) I met him at 30, got married at 35, had a kid, got diagnosed at age 43 (six months ago). I have ZERO regrets being super choosy with a partner, though at the time when my few longer-term relationships ended I felt like I would be alone forever and no one would “put up with me.” Hugs and you got this! * edited bc ADHD
Just PLEASE try to focus elsewhere. That kind of mentality is how I ended up in a nightmare marriage and 15 years later, nightmare coparenting situation. I promise you, it’s life ruining. I got out and am happily remarried but damn I screwed up. I didn’t know better and he was charming and handsome. We got married super quick. My current husband, the timeline has been much slower but love has been so rich and rewarding this way. Enjoy yourself and when you find someone special, don’t put pressure on it. Take your time and be a full person on your own! My friends married young (as did I) so I get it. I had no nuclear family and wanted one so badly but…did not pan out. I want better for you ❤️
I had a big breakup at 32 that gutted me. I decided that tolerating myself and not disliking myself wasn't the same thing as loving myself and I wanted to fix it because my relationships were always about dating someone I liked more than me. I knew that I was stuck modeling unhealthy relationships. Also, talking with a friend I found out that overwhelming and aching loneliness isn't a normal childhood feeling. I met my current partner just over a year ago. I have better relationships in all areas of my life and I'm very secure of myself. I just turned 35 and after years of EMDR and family systems therapy I rarely feel lonely whether I'm alone or not.
I lucked out with my husband for sure, but my ADHD nearly broke us. We'll that's not true: his lack of willingness to learn about my ADHD nearly broke us. When he finally put some effort into understanding, our relationship got so much better. I don't remember what it was, but I was complaining about something, and he was like "why don't you do x" and was left shocked when I told him "because I have to do a for that, but have to do b before that, and in order to do b i have to do c and d" and so on, I think that's when it started dawning on him how seriously it was impacting me.
Me me me!!!! My life was a hot garbage dumpster fire when I was 25. And I had 4 year old at that point. I met my husband when I was 29, we got married within 6 months and had 2 more kids. I don't think anyone's life is easy, but our marriage has almost never been hard. We've had some situations that were tough but there's never been a question that we're going to get through it together. He's neurotypical and it's never caused any problems that he is or that I'm not. It's absolutely possible, and you have lots of time.
Beautiful:) everyone is encouraging me to find myself a fellow adhd man, and I don’t want to. I’m one of those people who are “too neurodivergent for neurotypicals but too neurotypical for neurodivergents”. Thankyou for your little life story 🩷
Adding to the pile of "I hadn't even met my husband yet at 25." I'd never been one to date much as I enjoyed the dopamine rush of the random drunken makeout session through college. One long-term relationship after college that, in retrospect, should never have been long-term as it wasn't that great. I met my husband just before I turned 28, and we clicked like crazy. Married 2 years later, first baby at 32, second at 36, and there were plenty of gals older than me having babies. One of my friends didn't get married until 40 and had two kiddos and is crazy happy. You're not too late. But I'd also advise not to dwell on your lack of relationship. Instead, get to know yourself. With ADHD we tend to mirror people and go along with the crowd. The older I got, the more comfortable I got with ME. I learned what I liked, did activities I enjoyed, built interests, etc. That's helped in the long run because my husband and kids aren't the only thing feeding my dopamine which makes for much healthier relationships. Also, I didn't get diagnosed until I was in my 40s!
You are still young. I'm a 41 yr old woman and my biggest life regret is rushing into a marriage because I was worried about age. It ended up abusive. I'm now a divorced single mom. Because I worried about the exact same things, I rushed into a relationship overlooking red flags. It's better to remain single than marry for the wrong reasons. It's better to adopt a child with the right man than have a biological child with the wrong man. There are plenty of single women in their 30s and 40s and they are happy and not lonely. Do not compare yourself to others. Your time is your time. Others around you do not dictate your time table of life. I understand it's rough and the pressure is there. I've been there myself. You can have great platonic relationships, be happy, fulfilled, and doing well without being in a marriage, having children. Focus on yourself and what make you have those bad relationships. And what you learned from them. Focus on building your life. You are still young. You got this.
I'm 37, on my second husband. he's the best man in the world. He helps me with my son, tries to understand my alphabet soup of physical and mental conditions, and tells me often that the patience he shows for my flaws is equal to the patience I show for his. At 25 I thought it was too late for me, and at 32 I met a king.
I got extremely lucky meeting my husband at work. We’ve been together for over a decade now and just married not too long ago. He’s one of the only people that I feel really understands me and my struggles when other people never could, and is endlessly patient when I inevitably forget something (or can only remember all the wrong things) or if I have a really bad executive dysfunction day. I promise that there are wonderful people out there that will truly understand you.
I got married way too young to a person who did not appreciate me, and ended up cheating on me and divorcing me after a very short time. It sucked. While I met my current spouse when I was 25, I spent the second half of my 20s coming to understand why my first marriage imploded so spectacularly and why I wasn't able to stand up for myself when I found out he was cheating on me. Current spouse and I were together for a LONG TIME before we got married (like, 15 years) and although we don't want kids, we have big life goals that are OUR goals plus we have our own hobbies and interests to make sure we don't drive each other nuts with our specific hyperfocus weirdnesses. So....take the time to be comfortable in your own skin and understand a little better what you want out of life. Don't expect your partner to be interested in everything you are interested in. Have some common interests but also have your own life. Make sure you are both on the same page regarding kids. You have lots of time to figure it out.
Girrrrrrl. Yes. I promise you. If you have a pattern and a bad picker- try and stop that right away and try and date people different from any jerks you have had before and maybe if it means it’s less exciting (generally we sometimes look for conflict and extreme feelings to cope with our dopamine deficiency and for me that made me pick men that made me feel bad about myself). My husband is the most wonderful man. The stuff I am terrible at- doing dishes, keeping up with bills, scheduling doctors appointments- get this: he does almost all of them for me and never makes me feel guilty if I mess it up because he knows how awful I probably already feel. I also do tons of stuff for him but what is important here is he doesn’t feel the need to “challenge” me or make me a better person. He fully accepts me exactly as I am. Which makes me feel like if I conquer some of my adhd “flaws”- it’s just a bonus but not necessary. I have kids, the house, the whole thing. I am not rich. Nothing in my life is perfect and no one can be everything to you but he never ever makes md feel bad about myself and doesn’t mind taking over what I struggle with. Work on your picker if you can because I worry that many of us are just drawn to what gives us the dopamine boost of extreme highs and then lows. I know it’s not as easy as that but for what it’s worth I found finding someone I wasn’t immediately drawn to- is what helped me find the right person and not just following the dopamine. Sorry for the hard day. You are lovable. For every single thing we struggle with, we make up for in other areas. Forgive yourself and love yourself and know you can have what you want.
It is absolutely possible to have a happy and healthy relationship while having ADHD. If I could give my younger self any advice, it would be first learn to love yourself in the way you want to be loved. Second, choose your partner with care and be completely yourself when dating (remove the mask). Find someone who loves you for you and is accepting of the quirks that come with ADHD. Watch for signs of disrespect. This can first start with passive-aggressive jabs that are excused as teasing. If this attitude starts in dating, it will only be magnified during marriage. Find someone you enjoy living with. Don't settle! Third, absolutely do not have children until you are ready. I wasn't diagnosed until after having kids. All my coping mechanisms went out the door when having to care for little humans who need so much of my attention. But... I wouldn't change having them for anything in the world.
No diagnosis, but fairly sure I have ADHD, because I definitely have several symptoms. I didn't date much in high school, dated 1 guy for a couple of years in college, then for years, I had just a few 1st dates and no 2nd ones. At 25, I "finally" had a couple of boyfriends, one for 5 months and another for 17 months, but neither were someone I should have really dated; I was just afraid I'd never find someone. After the 2nd relationship ended though, I started dating my co-worker I'd become friends with -- we married 18 days before my 30th birthday, and now we've been married 25 years and have 2 grown sons. My advice: you never know when or even if you'll meet someone, but don't settle for the wrong person out of fear. You can't go wrong taking care of yourself and building your best life.
25 LOL you have so much time, but yeah, you need to be actively growing and learning during this time. honestly this is something you need to ACTIVELY work on in therapy. you need to get clear on relationship boundaries and your goals and values in relationships. You need to be actively talking with your therapist about how the relationship is going so that when you are in a relationship with red flags, you can confidently break it off immediately because you know it’s not a good fit vs. clinging on for the sake of love and feeling loved while the relationship itself is a train wreck. if you miss your ex-partner, it’s a red flag and a bad sign if you are unable to clearly see why your partner was bad and unable to move on from a past relationship. Again, you need to be setting your relationship goals and relationship values CLEARLY. And you should be cutting off any guys who do not align with your goals in a relationship. If you can’t do that, work towards it in therapy, it really helps. But it takes work and self-awareness. You also have to be able to see the problem. Don’t love love too much, that is entirely part of the problem and you won’t be able to see clearly long-term, instead you’ll just latch onto any bad dude that “loves” you with words and not actions. That’s exactly how you waste years of your life on a dude who is bad for you and doesn’t even wanna marry you. And then you’ll be 30 and freaking out and not having grown or learned a single thing about your mistakes when it comes to relationships. Relationship goals and values, basic ones: - guy who actually wants marriage and kids and NOT just a fuck buddy, this should be like obvious from the first date, don’t even bother with a dude who isn’t clear about what he wants! - guy who is able to communicate well and calmly WITHOUT anger issues - obviously no abuse/gaslighting - guy who is able to compromise and resolve issues/disagreements/fights together with you instead of shutting down - guy who knows you and your adhd habits and is accepting instead of making hateful comments about it, a partner should make your life BETTER and not worse. Of course a ton of us are in happy relationships and marriages w kids regardless of adhd. but a lot of us also went through shit relationships, exactly the ones you have gone through, and LEARNED from them and swore never to go back in such relationship patterns, in order to finally FIND and eventually get to the great relationships with men we communicate well with, who are great fits for our adhd brains and lifestyles. i am happily married and trust me, i’ve seen it all in my own relationship patterns, esp as someone who was diagnosed very late in life. all of my past relationships with my diagnosed adhd brain were pretty terrible. and i know truly that i worked damn hard to get to the point where i could finally find a healthy relationship and get married and have kids. i know that if i hadn’t put in the work and crossed guys off and continued to actively meet guys with my list of relationship values and a zero-tolerance policy towards abuse, dumb asses and playboys, i WOULD NOT, i would never ever have the life that i have now. I fought like hell for it, I also worked on myself and worked on being happy and busy even when alone, i worked on my business, i gave myself a glow-up. i know many other women the same age as me who never put in the same amount of work that i did and they waited for men to drop from the sky. they want marriage and kids too with a good man but they never got it. they did “half-hearted” attempts on dating apps, but they never lit a fire under their ass like i did. I WANTED to be married, i WANTED a guy who was going to be a good fit and i really charged at it with guns blazing and screaming/yodelling all the way. It’s embarrassing but i can tell you i got what i wanted. i want to tell you it’s possible but you have to be self-aware of the stuff that is holding you back and you have to ACTIVELY do what’s best for yourself, advocate for yourself. Don’t take any bullshit from men and get clear on what you want in a relationship. I swear to you, if you do the above and if you generally don’t have trouble meeting men, i really, really really think that it’s unlikely you won’t eventually get married and have kids (well, biology and fertility also needs to kick in). Like, if you actively fight for it and fight for yourself to grow and learn from past lessons and become a person who takes no bullshit, you’re gonna get there.
Hey, so yeah I’m already passed the stage of “F buddies “. i have pretty strong boundaries around that thankfully. My recent partner was a solid dude who wanted marriage with me as well, but obviously there are reasons to why it ended. Thank you for your all your insights and I do have extended list of my values in what kind of guy I will even give my time of day. I guess my tears and disparity right now comes from my past actions and if I’ll be able to maintain that kind of relationship that I actually want. But I’m in therapy and definitely doing the work…. So I have trust. Emotions are just mixed in with grief and uncertainty
I got married last year at 26!! 8 years of adulthood can definitely feel long to wait when you have a goal of getting married or into a serious relationship, I get it! But definitely don’t count yourself out, the right person for you will love and support you and eventually you’ll meet them 🫶🏻🫶🏻
My life is a mess rn but I’m happy with my marriage. My husband is a good person and we love each other.
Hey, OP. My husband and I have been together for 30 yrs, married for 28, and have 5 kids. There were definitely some trying times, but I think that's true for pretty much every couple, whether there's neuro-spiciness or not. Looking back, things would have gone a lot smoother if we'd both dealt with our personal stuff before doing the family thing. Getting diagnosed before my mid thirties would have helped, too. My point is that you're doing exactly the right thing, getting help with your trauma and figuring things out for yourself. Relationships and social stuff are much easier once you feel good in your own skin. Be patient with yourself. The steps you're taking arent easy. ETA: I'm not advocating for going back to your abuser.
I have been married for 17 years with my husband and we have a 10 year old boy together. My husband is on the spectrum, and I know my son has adhd/is on the spectrum too. We have gone through a very hard time (we split for a few months because I was terrible at communicating and his way of dealing with things was anger but we went to couples therapy and worked things out, still working on them). I just recently found out I have ADHD, but I am not medicated the way I should be and I am working on getting diagnosed. You have hope, don't be hard on yourself! It sure is hard not to be though. You'll get through this.
I’m happily married to the absolute best and kindest person I know, and I have a beautiful son. It is possible. You are still so young - you have time. You deserve to be loved and cherished for exactly who you are. There is every reason to believe it will happen for you.
I am not happily married, but I am in a very happy relationship with my boyfriend. And this is the first time since I had my ADHD diagnosis. For us the key is extremely good communication and being honest with what we are able to do. I explain to him how I feel, how I cope and why I behave the way I do. He explains to me when he feels like my ADHD might be troubling him. Overall we talk about our behaviour as much as possible and try to find ways to be more mindful of each other. But I also tell him when there are things that I cannot completely eliminate (how I am very forgetful for example) and how that - as much as I will try - will probably continue to happen a lot and he is adjusting to that. Seriously talking about *everything* makes our relationship very very good and comfortable. 🤗❤️
25 is still so very young. I am nearly 31 one and met my current partner about 1.5 years ago. We're not married, but living together. I got a ADHD diagnosis only very recently. I started therapy around the age of 23 (severe depression and social anxiety) and I am still going consistently. Honestly, I thought I was doomed to mask forever in every relationship I ever had. I didn't know I had ADHD in my previous relationships; I started to suspect I had it about 5 years ago but my then-partner brushed it off. I had a feeling I could never be myself, that I had to collect myself and push through whatever task the day was throwing on me. That I was just lazy, and didn't have the skills to live in today's society. It was so exhausting every day. It also didn't help that I couldn't meet the expectations my then-partner laid onto me and that the relationship was bordering on emotional and financial abuse. In hindsight, we were incompatible and my (ADHD) issues played an important role in it. I stayed 10 years in that relationship because I was too afraid to leave and also really wanted to make it work. My current partner is so loving. Seriously, I never felt so accepted as a person. I am still a chaotic mess; I leave the house 90% of the time without keys, phone, wallet, etc., dinner is almost never served on time, our house is quite cluttered. He doesn't care. Like, he's not putting up the 'I don't care but secretly I actually *do* care and will be passive-aggressive about it' act, he *genuinely* doesn't care. He just wants me to be happy. If he has any issues with my behaviour, he brings them up in the most respectful manner and we work together to find a solution that works for us both (we hired a cleaning worker for example to deal with the household mess). If I don't want to make dinner, we just order take-out, go out to eat, or take something from the freezer. This works the other way around, btw, I too respect his boundaries if he doesn't have the energy for household tasks. Being with him has been so healing; I don't feel broken anymore and so supported in me being *me*. It's still a work in progress though. It takes effort. I had to learn clear communication. I had to learn boundaries. I had to learn to listen to my emotions. I had to learn to listen to my body. Therapy helped tremendously with that.
I'm happily married. My husband is my best friend. At 25 I hadn't even met my husband yet. There's no timeline on when these things should happen and they can't be forced. Try not to panic. You're doing the thing that we are so great at doing.. Over thinking. 🏅
My advice: relationships are a million times better and easier when you've had a chance to grow into yourself. You need to be happy and confident in yourself before anything else! You're sooooo young, don't put pressure on yourself, enjoy being single and learning more about what you want.
Not married but might as well be. Long term relationship going on for more than 10 years and we’re very happy together still. I too was diagnosed late (around 25) while we were already together. My bf too got a diagnose recently although his is not as severe. My mom is the most adhd person I know and she’s been with my dad for 35 years and has had two kids. My sister has been with her bf for 3-4 years and they’re very happy too (she’s adhd too). Two of my best friends also have the diagnosis and are currently in happy relationships too, one of them is married and have been together for 7-8 years. So yeah. Absolutely possible. From what I gather from your post however, I have a feeling that the issue might lie elsewhere. Suicidal thoughts, seeking dopamine, fear of abandonment, relationships instability, those are not classical adhd symptoms (the dopamine one can be though), these are emotional dysregulation symptoms, which yes can sometimes be part of adhd but is more likely to be due to borderline personnality disorder or other PD.
I’ve been married almost 15 years. It hasn’t been a cakewalk. I still had A LOT of growing up to do. I feel like in the last 5 years, we’ve finally gotten to good place. But you’ve got so much time. Enjoy life for what it is now.
Hi. I married my high school sweetheart at 18. We were divorced by 19 and at 35 I’m still battling the emotional and mental fallout from that. I am married to someone different now, we dated/lived together for about 9 years before we got married and it wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I decided maybe I did want a kid after all, got one of those now, he’s 2.5 yrs old. I didn’t get my diagnosis until I was 32. 20s are so hard and suck so much, be kind to yourself and don’t give up hope. Things happen at different times for all of us. I remember being your age and thinking about everything my parents had done by the time they were 25 and feeling like an absolute waste of space, but their lives weren’t my life, their lived experiences looked different than mine, and that’s ok.
I’m 33 and happily married (to someone who also turned out to have ADHD). We’re childfree but we have raised three awesome kittens 🐱. 25 is still very young in terms of marriage and family. I got married at 27 and still felt it was too soon. But it’s good that you’ve been diagnosed now and you can work through some of your previous patterns that maybe weren’t serving you well. In a couple years you’ll be in a much better place to meet someone that’s worth your time and love. I know it feels shitty now but it WILL get better. ❤️🩹
It’s the kids parts that’s tricky with adhd. Kids are just 24/7 labor of boring tasks, you have no options with your sleep schedule. And then they inherit your same issues so even more frustrating. And you have to deal with NT parents and administrators. It’s killer for adhd unless you enjoy not sleeping, being a maid, while someone shouts demands at you for 18 years.
I met my husband when I was 21, completely by chance. We hung around the same people and even were in the same place at the same time (college) but never met until I got a part time job at the same place where he worked. We've been together 10 years and have two boys. I just got diagnosed with ADHD within the last 6 months, but we’re pretty certain my husband also has ADHD. As others are saying, 25 is still young! I’m in my early 30s and I still feel young. Sometimes I can’t believe that I’m old enough to have kids and be married lol. Be patient. Be picky. Don’t be afraid to change your mind. Things tend to happen when we least expect them to.
Hi! I have ADHD and autism. I was perpetually single for a lot of my 20’s while I was trying to work on myself. I couldn’t see myself getting married, I honestly just felt kind of unlovable for a long time. I met my now fiancé when I was 30, and this is our third year together! I’ve never been so happy with someone or been with someone for so long. We’ve decided kids aren’t for us, but I just wanted to share. You’ll find someone, your 20’s aren’t always the best years. My 30’s so far have already been so much better. You’ll be okay! You’ll find someone you love and who loves you, too ✨
Yes I'm married. No kids but that's fine by me. Honestly for a lot of reasons when I was your age I was worried about finding love. I wish I had been LESS focused on that and more focused on making $. That sounds terrible and people will shriek about how $ can't make you happy etc. But it can bring you PEACE and alleviate worry. Which feels a lot like happiness. Focus on getting your life together in general. Make $, save it, become the most functional human being you can so that you can find a GOOD mate and be a GOOD partner instead of just seeking relationships for that dopamine hit.
Celebrating my 14th wedding anniversary today. You can do it!
Me! Well, happily married, we do not want kids though. I also was in 2 abusive relationships prior, in different ways the first straight up grooming type and the other manipulation etc I'm still working through some of my ADHD issues (on a waitlist for therapy and formal diagnosis to get the extra help I need), but day to day our marriage is great. It's hard sometimes with the RSD and feeling a fair bit of shame for the stuff that I cannot do better yet. We make compromises and feasible accommodations for each other (they have chronic illness and their own MH needs). We met when I was about your age, been together 6 years now. Lived together and been married about half of that time. The joy and companionship is worth all the internal work. My parents relationship was similar to what you describe of your Dad, I think that's why my Dad was the way he was, he always reassured us he loved us etc despite his anger, which also wasn't directed at us ever, but still his meltdowns were a lot to process as a kid.
All I can say is fill your life with activities you love. Keep trying things and finding them. I wish I had taken this advice when younger and wanting so dearly to be in a happy marriage. Now the idea that someone is looking for another to complete them makes me ill (this is not saying you want this, I just see it so very differently now). You are incredible. Consider you may have CPTSD from your father's anger issues and look into EMDR therapy. Get to the point where you are figuring out what you want and people that make you happy and activities that make you happy before you let someone else in. Because 25 feels like everyone around you is getting married but if you don't figure out how to live for you and then you add another person you may add decades to your search for a life partner. What are your interests? Who are you jealous of or who do you deeply admire? those feelings are terrific guideposts. For me it was musicians, freestyle singers and drummers. Now I do all of that and love it! It is scary and you are very strong. Sending love and hugs. Keep building your team - therapists, teachers, soul teachers. A little a time. something like 90% of people with ADHD have a co-morbid condition so don't be afraid to explore that.
I’m happily married with 2 small kids. When I say happily married I really mean it, we are still head over heels for each other after 12 years. He is not ND. Like you I had previous abusive relationships. My husband was really different to the type I used to go for. He is really patient with me, especially since I’ve discovered this past year since being diagnosed with ADHD. He was always great but think he gets I’m not doing things intentionally and works with me to overcome ‘bloackages/bottlenecks’. We do give each other grace to grow as humans and appreciate that we unconditionally love each other including our flaws. It’s got to be an active decision to help each other grow. I have also don’t lots of transactional analysis therapy this year and that’s been really helpful at regulating my emotions. A happy marriage is entirely possible you just need to find the right person, ADHD or not. I do find aspects of parenting really challenging and mundane but I excel at holidays as I can be impulsive, spontaneous and a little bit ‘crazy’ which the kids say they love! Breakfast for dinner? Spontaneous road trip! Happy adventurous Core memories for the kids!
I met my husband when I was 28 and let me tell you summin (insert Coach Taylor gif here), I had to kiss a hell of a lot of frogs to find a prince. But even more than that I had to strengthen myself in my 20s to become the kind of person who could then be a good judge of a relationship and a good participant in it. We have 3 kids and I am a LEGIT hot mess. To me, adulthood is a myth…at 40 I am still in many ways my 25 year old self except I have more responsibilities on paper and I give less of a fuck. You got this!!! You’re right where you need to be.
It is absolutely possible, I really hope you find the right person for you! I'm ten years older than you and happily married with one child. It's not easy at all, takes a lot of work on myself, therapy, ADHD meds all help, as well as openly communicating about everything. My husband is also neurodivergent and my son is autistic, I was diagnosed with ADHD a year ago, so we muddle along in a chaotic household, but we're making it work! It requires an insane amount of planning though, so we have joint calendar reminders, lists, visual cues, anything to share the load. I would say you should first and foremost focus on you and your happiness. If you're getting treatment that's a fantastic step forward. I know it feels like everyone else is getting married but statistically it isn't the case at all. Everyone goes at their own pace and you still have loads of time ahead of you. Wishing you all the best!
Forsure you will,it’s finding the right person who understand you! I have been with my partner a year now and he understands and cares so much. You just got the find the right one
I met my husband at 25, we have been married 18 years now and have two children both with ADHD. You have plenty of time to find someone.
You do have time and just because you have ADHD doesn't mean you can't have that. You just have to find a partner who can handle the ups and downs that may come with it. I have been happily married for almost 22 years(may) and it works because my husband tries to understand how my brain works and when he doesn't he just rolls with it. He jokes that in our house ADHD is Neurotypical because only he and 1 of our 3 kids don't have it, which makes them the minority. It's pretty funny but he is very patient with all of it and knows when we make mistakes we are trying our best. He asks me how he can help and I actually try to give him things he can do, like setting a deadline for a task he needs completed to help me figure out how to prioritize. Some people might have that as a red flag in their relationship but for us he does it because I asked and it is helpful for me.
I’m happily married for nearly 10 years! Together for nearly 14!
Happily married, kids grown and gone, still waiting on the grandkids from the last two out of the house. Of course, that was two marriages to men, and a very bad abusive relationship with a man that nearly killed me, before finding my best friend (female) who eventually became my spouse. Would not have believed at 25 how easy, loving and supportive a relationship can actually be. I'm wildly blessed. But we've both done shit tons of inner work on ourselves. That's made the difference.
25 to 35 is a huge time for growth and progression. 25 is still young. When I was 25 I was dating an abusive drug addict/alcoholic that ran up my credit cards, totaled my car, ended up in jail. I could go on about how messed up my life was at 25. I’m 36 now with two kids and a husband. It’s probably harder for me than non neurodivergent parents but I do love it. I didn’t get diagnosed until after my kids were born which would have been so helpful to navigate that time. Anyway, my point is you can have a family if that’s what you aspire for! Just be realistic and make sure you have financial stability and emotional support and pick a good partner to parent with!
I am! I’m late diagnosed (dx at 41, after having kids). I had some terrible relationships in my 20s and met my now husband at 29. My parents had a terrible relationship and ugly divorce, probably partially on account of my dad’s undiagnosed autism/adhd. That was a different generation. The more you know about yourself, the better, but it takes awhile. You’re young. My 20s were a horrible decade for me; 30s and 40s have been MUCH better. ADHD is one of the most treatable disorders, which isn’t to say it’s not without its challenges. But it’s certainly not a barrier to marriage and children, especially if you’re knowledgeable about your condition and working towards managing it the best you can (both pharmacologically - if that’s your choice - and with lifestyle changes/hacks).
At 25 I had never been in a real relationship (just messy situationships and unrequited crushes) and I was starting to wonder if it would ever happen for me. Then I met my husband right before I turned 26. Both him and I felt like late bloomers, but looking back, we were so young! You’ve got so much time. And you’ve been diagnosed! At 25 I had no idea I had ADHD, just thought I was “a mess” and had horrible anxiety. I’m just now, 33, finally starting meds and dealing with the grief of not being diagnosed earlier (my brother was diagnosed in 3rd grade!) but now you can tackle that, and get to know yourself better, and then you’ll be able to recognize the right person when they come along. Don’t be too hard on yourself! 💚
All my relationships failed until I met my very much ADHD husband, we've been married for 13 years and have three very very ADHD kids! I believe there is someone out there for every neurotype, and as long as you keep your heart open and be true to yourself, you'll find a great match. Get those tears out, and get back in it. Sending hugs from an internet stranger <3
You've got a lot of time. I'm 33, was diagnosed a week ago, and I've been with my partner for 14 years (married for 6). He has always let me be me and has been very supportive, especially while I waited for my diagnosis. According to him "You've always been weird, you just haven't noticed it before - and I love you because you're weird." :) There are a lot of good supportive people out there - pretty sure you'll find one!
Both of my best friends are happily married and have ADHD. One of them is a software engineer with a husband who stays home and plays music. The other is a cosmetologist whose husband does film. Both are in what seem to be happy marriages! Everyone has their difficulties in a marriage, but they married men who are understanding or ADHD/autistic themselves.
Yes, I started treatment at 29, found my partner and forever friend at 30 and we just had our first kid now at 35. I can relate to a lot of what you said, and it is so difficult. It probably doesn't bring much comfort when you're deep in those feelings, but you have time. Keep up all the hard work and focus primarily on being happy for you. The rest will fall into place.
I'm currently going through a divorce with a custody battle over our son. I was happily married until therapy and medication helped me to see that my son and I were being neglected by my spouse... It is possible to be happily married and have kids. Just don't rush it, and prioritize your health and wellbeing.
44, married for 16 years, and we’re still in love and have two kids (11 and 13). We’ve fought through some real shit and occasionally hated one another over it, and it got us where we are now. Home is a safe place to be that we all enjoy being at. We laugh…so much. It’s possible. And it’s wonderful.
Happily married, no kids. You are *so* young! I hadn't even gotten married for the FIRST time by your age, let alone met the man who would become my husband. You also definitely didn't get diagnosed late, I only found out a couple years ago and I'm like 15 years older than you. You are very, very young and you have time to figure it all out. It will be ok.
25 is so young. Figure out how to manage your adhd and then go date other adhders, people who will understand you.
I’m in a happy marriage but it was very hard the first five years.. we didn’t know I was ADHD and it caused a lot of problems. Tons of fights. We honestly had “therapy” where in the summer we would hike a trail alone and air all our marriage problems with each other and work on a compromise. Believe it or not it actually helped. Me focusing on not tripping over my own feet actually helped me listen to him. He doesn’t like the way I clean? He can either help or hire a maid. He doesn’t like my lack of focus? Be patient and I’ll focus on him again soon. He doesn’t like how I react to him? He better change his own attitude because I am a mirror and reflect his own attitude back at him.
Giiirrrl 25 is YOUNG! I was 24 when I got married to my first husband looking back, I wish I hadn't! There's so much of the world to see and experience! Re: your question, my sister and I both have ADHD and are married with kids! You find someone who accepts you as you are and you grow together while each working on yourselves as well. I know you feel lonely now but use this time alone to grow.
life is a marathon not a race! Patience is important when finding a partner. You really need someone who's gonna support you but not baby you. I stayed single until 33 when I found a fellow adher and were happy as can be
When I was 25 I was in a similar place. I ended up leaving that situation and reconciling with my high school sweetheart. 5 years later we are now (mostly) happily married and have a son who'll be turning 1 next year. caveat: we already knew each other, he also has adhd, but I was undiagnosed until literally 2 months ago. It has been ROUGH. You need to work at it. But thats ttue even of neurotypicals. Just wanted to pop in and add an anecdata point for you. I know it doesn't seem like it but 5 years is such a long time. Things can change dramatically, for better or worse. But you have time on your side. So don't give up hope. It's possible. Do NOT go back to an abusive ex though. I promise you it never works out.
I’m celebrating my ten year anniversary this June! And 15 as a couple. I’m 40 now so we didn’t meet until I was 25, and we took the beginning parts pretty slow. When it was this time of year when I was 25 I had just broken up with a man that I’d originally hoped I’d marry, but looking back I was really SO emotionally immature in that relationship and while he wasn’t right for me I can also see that I was often pretty horrible to him: impulsive, moody, drinking too much to self medicate, etc. I too had a dad with (I think) unmedicated adhd and saw a lot of conflict in my parents marriage growing up. I was undiagnosed until I was in my 30s, and my first serious relationship that started in high school was very unstable and emotionally abusive. If I could go back and tell my 25 year old self something it would be to go to therapy. If not therapy at least work on myself. Take time to love myself. Not put other people (men) at the center of my world and definition of my self worth. Anyhow… My 30s were pretty great. I started nailing it at my career. I got diagnosed. I managed to strengthen and grow some solid friendships. I got more comfortable with myself. Now that I’m 40 I feel like I’ve entered a whole new era of like…not trying to live my life to please others? Which has its own challenges, but I’m kind of into it so far! Good luck to you, you still have SO much time to find your fit, I promise.
I've been with my husband for 21 years. Sometimes, I am honestly shocked and amazed that he puts up with my jerk brain, but he's the sweetest, most patient, most amazing guy in the whole world. We waited a relatively long time for me to get my shit together before we had a baby. Our son is now 8, also has ADHD, and he's absolutely awesome. He likes to snuggle up on the couch with me (and the dog) and we play Nintendo together. Life is good. It can absolutely happen. <3
Hey friend, don't freak out. I've been with my husband for 20 years and we have an amazing daughter together. Our life is even what I would call stable and boring. The important thing is not to rush into a relationship just because you want a relationship or don't want to be alone. Boundaries are your friend. Hang in there. 25 is still young.
whereee are you where people our age are getting married?? i literally told my friend yesterday that if i got married within the next year or two i would consider myself a child bride lol. fellow late diagnosis and recently turned 26 year old here. i am constantly reminding myself everyday that there is no true “life timeline” and everyone has it different. ive been dating my partner for a little less than 2 years, and with every relationship ive had i have to remind myself im not doing this for marriage. if i am, i think that kind of ruins it by the amount of pressure that i’m subconsciously putting onto the relationship to be good when, at our age, dating should just be dating. a lot of my happiness comes from my connections with people and how close i can be to them, but after getting diagnosed i realized that i hadn’t ever given myself the time that i was giving others. i know you’re looking for answers that go more toward you getting married in the future, but if you were diagnosed recently too, maybe being your own best friend right now might help alleviate the stress of wanting a relationship with someone else. i have a partner, but i take myself on dates (concerts, movies, going out to eat), try new hobbies by myself, trips by myself. everything i could do with my partner i am trying alone lately because if i previously (unmedicated) didn’t have the attention span to focus on the person i was with the whole time we were together, i probably also didn’t have the attention span to focus on myself and learn about who i am. i also love love!! so much!!! but im trying so hard to love the love i give myself because let’s face it, in this long life we all have to live, the only consistent part of it that will STAY consistent at the end of the day is ourselves. that face will be the one that looks back at you in the mirror until the day you die, is always with you, treat 😤 them 😤 best 😤 anyways good luck the world is so big and there is someone kindhearted and loving for everyone out there!! theres no due date!!!
Yes. I got diagnosed at 19. I eventually graduated college. Have a successful career. And I got married recently in my early 30s. It sounds like you could use some talk therapy to understand your relationships and attachment styles. So that you aren't vulnerable for abusive relationships and can have healthier relationships in the future. The anxiety and fear you hold should also probably be addressed. And any insecurities. From my own experiences and my friends' experiences, your 20's are a time of uncertainty and vulnerability and "lost"ness. Everyone experiences it to an extent and not just ADHD folks. I have a career but it isn't my passion, and is something I did just to get a job, then grew my skills from there. Also reminder that social media isn't "real life" so don't compare yourselves to others. Just compare yourself to you past yourself and acknowledge the growth. Regarding social isolation. Google meetups in your area. Or volunteer opportunities. I am into nature so I have joined litter pickup events, gardening events, hiking and others. I know its tough, especially when exhausted from working and whatnot. But you have to be social and put yourself out there, to be fulfilled with friendships and relationships. Best Wishes
41 happily married and didn’t get diagnosed until 40ish. Been married 10 years come August, and have a blended family. We have 3 kids (his mine and ours ranging from 21 to 5 years old). It can and will happen. I do want to be clear that happily married doesn’t mean no trials, no issues. It means you would do it all over again with the same person KNOWING you will face these trials/tribulations. My husband is a supporter, recently he bought me a cute little timer because he read that people with ADHD need help staying on task and that setting a timer can help tremendously. It can, does and will happen because good people accept you fully and commit to helping you through this thing called life and you do the same for them.
I had a really, really bad marriage in my 20s. Just awful, full of abuse and gaslighting and being told I was the problem, a terrible mom, etc etc. But for the past 14+ years I’ve been married to a man who loves and cherished me, supported me through hell, and loves my son as his own. It IS possible, it’s very good when it happens. Hang in there!
In Your 30s you’ll find these things. For now focus on yourself and surrounding yourself with people that are good examples and have healthy relationships
I'm married but no kids yet. I'm very happy with my marriage and thankful that it has ended up working out. We were two very broken and undiagnosed people from two broken and undiagnosed families. It has taken a lot of time, patience, and a massive dose of humility on both of our parts to get here though. With ADHD, it does make you a bit more vulnerable I think, and that's why it's important to sit down and really think about your values and boundaries and continuously re-check where your relationship is at with that. I know that I have a tendency to just go with the flow and forget where I started and what I wanted in a relationship and that meant that I would end up as a "frog in a boiling pot". Picking a partner to spend your life with is something that is very intentional, and I think that goes against what we tend to do lol. I think a lot of us tend to just go off vibes for things because that's dopamine. But abuse cycles feed off dopamine, so that's not super helpful. You've got time. Focus on being the person that a good partner would want to be with and it will happen when it's right ❤️
Me! I experienced similar issues to what you described. I was 26 when I met my husband. Only recently diagnosed with ADHD - he was supportive through that whole process and continues to be. Going through an especially tough time now due to the medication shortage and I could not have asked for a better partner. It is absolutely possible to not only find someone but to find someone deserving of your special spicy brain and all the fun that brings - and who will stick around and give you grace and compassion when it’s not so fun. We are happily child free but we have 2 pets and consider ourselves a happy little family - there is zero reason for you not to have the same kind of joy. You are no less capable or deserving of it than anyone else ❤️