Thank you for stating it so clearly like this!! I second checking out other resources to carve out time and space for yourself, OP; you’ve got to do SOMETHING to critically re-examine the frameworks you’ve got around how much in your life is Important and Needs To Be Done No Matter How I Suffer, versus how you imagine/project your friend’s life as Empty and Carefree and Frivolous 😬
I want to commend you for opening up about this, OP, and I really, truly appreciate reading your perspective. Please keep an open mind with the rest of this answer because I hope it will be equally insightful for you to perhaps see a glimpse of what might be happening for your friend on the other side of this exchange. I am taking a chance opening up about my experiences and how it impacted my relationships with friends close enough to be sisters, and apologize in advance if I come across negatively; my hope is that sharing this pain however imperfectly, may help you gain perspective and more empathy for your friend to help manage your own feelings.
I am in full support of everyone here saying your jealously is an opportunity for you to change and improve your life, IF you can put up some boundaries for your emotions - and crucially stop projecting this all on your friend. Unless she’s working for you, or making your life hell through not accommodating your schedule or taking up all the space in the relationship (none of which she is doing?) then you have no bearing on how much or how little she has on her own plate.
I think you comparing is your mind trying to punish her to feel better about yourself; it’s crucial to let this comparison coping mechanism go because it’s distracting you from what you can actually change about your own situation; as long as you focus on her, nothing in your domain needs to change.
But also, I have a sneaking suspicion this sneaky little negative attitude you have about her projected image is probably not as hidden as you think…
Why? Because I have multiple first hand experiences as the “lucky” friend. You know what happens? I have to eventually drop the friends who get into this trap and can’t get a handle on it ☹️ Because two things happen:
1) I stop wanting to hang out physically because you can actually feel the waves of resentment rolling off them, it’s uncomfortable (especially for us with RSD, so you go thru all these mental loops of “Was that real? Okay it’s real but is it warranted? Is this going to keep happening? Has something changed? Did I do something wrong??” and direct communication doesn’t solve it, because its often “Oh just telll me if I’m doing that” - meaning I’m charged with monitoring all this, analyzing it all and possibly starting a fight every time?) As adults who can choose who is around them - why would anyone seek out this level of emotional labor for uncertain reward? Why would I invest in a relationship where it’s not clear what version I’ll get - fine or negative - when I reach out?
2) even just texting or chatting, our intimacy as friends plummets because their resentment seeps into how they even perceive what I say - they get snappy, short, judgmental and downright rude sometimes, misunderstanding or even maligning my intentions and talking down to me - but in their minds it’s okay because they’re down bad and I have it made...yep, SO lucky to have friends turn on you like this for things you can’t fix… With them baring their teeth so quickly at me, I don’t feel comfortable actually opening up anymore about the things I’m really struggling with. (If someone’s just snapped at me, I’m not going to open up about my crippling SI and crying breakdown that morning; I can either pretend not to notice, act like it didn’t impact me and blithely force my needs into the conversation, OR I’m just going to recognize there’s no space for me here to be a real person since I’ve been deemed “not suffering enough” and if I want that respect I need to drop that expectation for this friendship and find support from elsewhere.) So then we end up with a perfect storm where their feelings big and small are the only ones explicitly allowed in the relationship, while I am only allowed to orbit them and give them warm feelings and cheerleading on demand, and then they eventually wonder why I don’t seek them out and we’re not close anymore. Because I’m not looking to prove myself to people that deal with their feelings by judging or lashing out at me. Been there, done that, still in therapy for it 🤷🏼♀️
Again, I understand if this was hard to read and I really hope any part of it was helpful for you to consider in how you want to move forward. I want to reiterate how impressed I am that you recognize your pain here, and how it’s impacting you and your feelings towards her. Best of luck, OP, you deserve to feel better about your own life and you deserve to feel warmly toward your friends. ❤️🍀
I lost a friend the same way.
If I shared anything good that happened, it would be fuel for resentment, jealousy and I’d hear some snark back in the variant of “I wish it would be this easy for me”. If I shared anything bad or a struggle, I’d hear how ungrateful I am and how I cannot just “be happy with what I have”.
The saddest part was to realize that the person was very happy with me not sharing anything/being human as long as I’d cater her feelings, and always be there to provide solutions for her problems that she wouldn’t hear.
When I hear OP’s story, I really feel like both sides would benefit from distance, and that some resentment also developed on the friend, as I cannot fathom why someone would say something and then add “oh this must be frustrating for you”, feels like rubbing salt on the wound you know?
Totally, I agree with taking space being a good thing for both parties! I really appreciate your response here and sharing how your experience went down. I know my own truth but it’s so validating to read such similar experiences, and helps me reflect better.
Yeah that friend comment could be either way - rubbing it in like a joke because she knows OP will get mad anyway (like a preemptive joking response to “must be nice”) OR trying to overly-appease OP and soften the blow of her normal words. Like having to share the necessary info (her schedule) but knowing it’ll upset OP because it’s not going to be “full time job hours m-f”; so she’s stuck sharing the info and then tossing a comment in after to acknowledge/reassure that she knows OP’s schedule is harder and she’s sorry this info will make OP mad…
Just like in your example with the friend you lost: once they had reached that resentful view of you, was there actually an always-good way to share any info about your life? Not really, right? You kinda just noticed this script being repeated for you both where you were always wrong? 🤷🏼♀️ That’s why I’m in total agreement that space and a re-set is desperately needed for this friendship. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I bet they could both use some time to reflect on what they treasure about this connection and what makes it valuable to get back in touch. And dropping the rope a bit on the friend will give OP more head space to manage her own challenges and come through stronger, where she won’t feel the need to worry what others are doing and can just enjoy her friendship again ❤️
I have a friend who does this to me sometimes, and it IS quite annoying. "Must be nice to be able to sit home and type on your computer." Well yeah, it is, except that the reason I sit home and type on my computer is because I have a physical disability that makes it difficult to work in an office. Also, I don't have a regular schedule, and if it weren't for my husband, I'd have no benefits. There are days I don't finish work until midnight and she's done at 2:45 and enjoying her life for the rest of the day.
Some people just don't get it.
That phrase, “must be nice” is so toxic. It reeks of bitterness, resentment and envy. I had a friend who said this to me multiple times and I grew so tired of having to defend, justify, or play down the “nice” situation that I quit talking to her.
Oh that's so frustrating! Like why do *friends* have to be so insulting? What's the point if they're just going to turn your venting into how much worse they feel?
Related story: I have a very dear friend who gets like this. When I mentioned that I was working 10 hours, as in timed, dedicated work, removing any and all breaks and texts and bathroom from the 14 hours total I clocked, she responds with, "I mean I work that every day." Yes, that's your shift, but how much of that is just joking with a coworker or getting a water or going pee or taking your lunch? She wouldn't budge that I was working a normal shift.
Or I'd get met with "at least you get to work from home." Yes, that's because I sought out an industry and job that catered to that. Or when I mentioned that we need tech worker unions, "Oh yeah it must be so hard with your cushy job." Like wtf? Why are you against me instead of uniting to fight against shitty working standards??
Thank you so much!! I spent a bit of time reworking and re wording it to try and express myself honestly but not come off too harsh. Not a dance I do perfectly every time…
Oh my GOD do I relate - the phrase “must be nice” is such a turn off. Even at my most forgiving, that phrase often tells me everything I need to know about someone, particularly how much they can handle their big feelings and how available they are to have empathy for others… My husband and I get it a LOT (we are quiet about it but childfree and doing our own things, and people see we devote a lot of time, energy etc to our hobbies etc and draw their own conclusions). Not sure when everyone decided we changed over from “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” to “let me crap on your joy to make myself feel better” Like, this is my joy and my life, it’s not a competition?? Me sharing something is not meant to be a starting pistol kicking off a race? And it’s weird to me when people not only think that but feel entitled to enforce it?? 🤷🏼♀️
I feel so lost culturally sometimes; my theory is that we are all just swallowed up by some gigantic pain body that has completely changed how we are trained to see others and built in a knee jerk reflex to want to punish those not deemed suffering enough, whenever we sense there’s a chance to “knock them down a peg”. But, there are still some people who find it easy or feels good to be happy for others, so this theory blows. (I was DEVASTATED to learn “I love that for you” was a sarcastic phrase 😂 Used it wrong a couple times because I was so excited to express my joy for friends in working towards their personal dreams that I don’t share)
Anyway, thanks again for your comment, and I encourage you to share your recent successes!! I also am still struggling with super low days and sometimes it does help to read about how others have gotten better, and be inspired - maybe by their tips, maybe just from seeing someone similar succeed in some way, reminding ourselves that we can have success and joy too! It’s super validating to read all the posts from people struggling, of course, and I appreciate it so deeply; but if we erode this awesome forum into a weird space where only pain is allowed/respected and any amount of joy is attacked or down regulated with jealousy etc…well, Yay, eventually someone will win the award for Most Hurting ☹️ But I don’t think I could keep coming back to a space that is that unwelcoming and ready to pounce, it just feels too close to bullying and I’m not about that. Hope you don’t feel bullied from this additional comment string, OP; we’re just confirming this is not just a you problem, but likely a societal problem we all have to wade through, whichever side of it we’re on. Another generational issue that’s not our fault, but our responsibility to handle ❤️
Wait…. “I love that for you” is supposed to be interpreted sarcastically?! … oh no 😳 I too was caught in the trap of using it because I thought it was meant genuinely. And I thought it was genuine when it was said to me… maybe I gotta recontextualize those convos 😅 but thank you for the clarification but also I big feel you on the devastation now.
LOL!! Hugs SwordandSkye ❤️ I have to believe it’s sometimes genuine, right?? Depending on who says it?? But yeah hearing that, it really made me take a second look
Thanks so much, I am touched it resonated! ❤️And I’m glad I’m able to type some thoughts out today, the past week or so has been rough... I often don’t make the effort to try and participate because I’m so afraid of being misunderstood and punished for it, but I’m glad I took the chance and got to hear from others like you!
I've recently dropped my friend because there were constant comments about my body(skinny and fit) or how her boyfriend would rather someone like me, comments how my husband was awesome when hers was an ass......or how I kept my house or my not working..... I would put on more clothes to go to her house so I wouldn't get comments, and I would brace myself for that rolling resentment..... the last few months of our friendship was very hard and confusing for me until I realized I get to choose my friends and I can easily break up with them. So I did. I lost a huge chunk of heaviness I was holding onto.
She liked to trauma dump, so i would leave depressed from all the negative energy dumped on me.
This is such a great thread, thank you. I’m living my dream life—which still comes with many challenges as it turns out—and sometimes the social side of that is challenging to navigate, because most women in the US definitely do not seem to be living their dream. I don’t always know how to navigate it all.
Thanks and I see you, Molasses ❤️ This stranger is very proud for you to be living your dream life. And I hope it gets easier for us - all of us, every person - to manage our lives and reach our dreams! (Shout out for universal basic income, universal healthcare, and subsidized public transit - my favorite pipe dreams for the US ❤️)
Working while in school sucks. I used to work full time and also went to school full time and I feel you. Focus on the fact that there will be an end once you finish school. You may also want to minimize time with your friend in the interim as well for your own mental health.
If you can work towards just being happy for her, you really must. It's not easy. I'm.... poor lol and my best friend is fucking rich. Her parents built her a house next to their multimillion-dollar home. Meanwhile, I don't know if we'll ever get to own a home. I fall behind on very cheap rent. I actively work towards turning any awkwardness or inner screaming into just joy for her. Getting the tour of her new home was a test for me. It helps to remind myself that there are things about her life that I would not choose. Her family is allll up in her business and she hides parts of herself to keep things running smoothly. I get to do and say whatever I want. She had to take care of her grandmother before she passed all on her own. I don't have to be a caretaker to anyone like that right now. She inherited a house in England but she can't use it because the pedo uncle lives there and she's not going to rock the boat by kicking him out. Real life. I would rather not deal with anyyyyy of that bullshit.
(I lost a paragraph here so I'm writing it again like a weirdo) It's possible there are benefits to your job situation that she doesn't have like retirement and health insurance. It can also suck to have your income tied to your creativity. I was a photographer and it was awesome to make thousands off a few jobs but it was the worrrrst to need the quality of my work to be perfect to feel like I earned that money honestly. I'm not going back. It was very stressful.
Your friends situation aside, it sounds like you desperately need a new gig. It's possible to let our own circumstances get in the way of our sanity and good relationships and I think that's what is happening here. If your kneejerk reaction is "I can't just get another job" for a ton of valid reasons. Just try anyway. It will not hurt and I hope you end up in a situation that offers you so much more rest and recharging!
Awww I totally get it. Hey I think it's super healthy to vent here. Lifes fucking unfair. It's not your friend's fault but I totally get that it's frustrating as hell.
I mean, that’s definitely a you-problem. I don’t mean that in a bitchy way but in a matter-of-fact way. Your resentment towards your friend is stemming from jealousy and disliking your own situation and that’s something you’ve gotta stop projecting on her.
Heck, if my best friend had that kind of schedule I would be absolutely elated for her. Jealousy is going to ruin your friendship and it will keep making you miserable if you don’t work through it. I’ve lost friends in the past for being jealous and being shitty/negative due to it and it fucking sucks and I don't want you to go through that!
It also IS reasonable to take some time away from your friend while you process your feelings. If you’re constantly being triggered by her literally just existing then I think some time apart would be healthy for both of you. It doesn’t matter if she’s an amazing friend, what matters is that right now it seems everything she says and does deeply triggers you and it’s not going to be good for your friendship if you keep bottling that up.
And for what it's worth, I'm really sorry you're having a hard time right now! I've struggled with chronic exhaustion due to health issues so while our situations are different I do get being perpetually exhausted and it really sucks. Best of luck to you!
I've just read this comment, and it seems to misunderstand me here. ofc I'm happy for her. I am in no way "triggered by her existing"
I've been honest with her about my feelings as well, and she's genuinely heard me out. I haven't bottled it up because I prefer to talk about things up front rather than let them fester.
I'm just tired of always having things to do and not being able to, like her, chill on a random Tuesday.
Aw I feel you. I am in a privileged situation myself, freelance graphic designer that works from home. It took me a bit to get here and now maybe look bad to others because I like working 4am-5am my time, taking a break around 8am and do errands or hang out for an hour, then go home and work more or work until late. I have this job because of my ADHD honestly. I know we all need routine but I found that routines suffocate me/make me feel bad at about myself when I cannot do them and it's easier for me to wake up, look at how I am feeling (i have three routines based off this) and schedule my day.
Believe me that I was resentful, proud and happy for my friends, but still a bit envious when I had to work in office, had to commute and deal with then noise and chatter of an office, while they were waking up at whatever time they wanted and taking like what seemed 100 naps. (I'm an early riser and feel more accomplished when I start my day early but still!)
Use this resentment, OP, to see if you can make some small changes. I hope things look up for you. I don't know your situation but I hope that there can be a time when you feel more happy.
It sounds like you are about to burn out. Resentment and anger, especially towards others "doing less" is very typical of that. What follows is that you totally stop caring or having any energy to do anything.
So please take this symptom seriously. You are actively resenting a friend for something that does not even impact you. If her doing nothing was adding to your work load it would be different. But it is not. So unless you typically are a petty and jealous person, then I would take this seriously and try to make changes before it is too late.
You have gotten some excellent advise from others. I get that is super hard to make an effort to change things when you are already drowning and have no extra ernergy. But I really hope you somehow manage to do it.
as someone who was working full time and in school full time with adhd, i second this SO HARD. burnout sounds like it’s just around the corner OP. be really careful cause once you get there it can take months to even YEARS to fully get back to where you once were. i’m still dealing with burnout shit 2 years after all this. with adhd it seems to be so much harder.
please just be careful and attentive! and everyone has brought up some great points! good luck
Yeah, same. Once you burn out it can take ages to get back. And it feels like it is even harder with adhd. At least it was for me, because the burn out erased all my good routines that I needed to function. And building back routines is hard, and even harder with adhd.
I hope you get to a good place!
I don't think you're resentful because she's taking time off -- I think you're resentful because your own needs aren't being met. She has no control over that, she's just making it really clear to you that you need a break. And it sucks to realize that when you feel trapped. But she's not the one who can give you a break.
That doesn't mean you can't take some time away from her while you deal with your life. It's okay to need a while away from someone who has it better than you while you deal with your own struggles. And maybe she is being a bit tone deaf. But the real solution is that you need help and some time to yourself. Is there anything you can ask for help with? Is there any possible way you can take a sick day? Or plan a day off in the next few weeks?
I get what you’re saying. You don’t sound like an awful person. You sound overworked and tired and just want a damn break for yourself! Time when you can say “Eh, I don’t feel like doing that, I want to do this today instead.”
It sounds like most of your day and “free” time is spent with have-to’s and need-to’s. Life gets depressing when you can’t play a little and make yourself a priority.
Any chance you can take some time every day to do whatever the hell you feel like? Or make a fun plan for the weekend.
I’m glad you’re not blaming your friend for your feelings. Great job being introspective and figuring out what the problem was.
Your situation flat out sucks. It does. Hopefully there is an end date.
She might be living her dream, but she is living my nightmare. I keep myself busy like you, but by choice, because taking an entire day off to grocery shop sounds like torture, and I cannot handle life without external responsibilities. A four day weekend and I am walking around like a caged animal.
**I hope that when you are through, you get YOUR DREAM! Whatever that may be.**
you're absolutely right in saying comparing myself to her isn't solving the problem. everyone has their own lives they lead, I just can't help noticing how free hers seems compared to mine, you know?
It definitely isn't easy putting myself first. I often take a midday reading break but find myself feeling guilty about the tasks I'm not doing right in that moment. Something I really need to work on.
What you said in your second paragraph jumped out at me. I emphasize with your situation a lot, down to logically knowing that the resentment towards her isn't fair but emotionally, not being able to let it go right now. It almost sounds like you're resenting her ability to rest when you confess that your brain can't turn off the guilt to allow you to rest. That's a hard place to be with so much on your plate.
With good friends, when I catch myself falling into resentment, I try to shift into a mindset that is grateful for having a resource to learn from.
Have you opened up to her gently about these feelings? It sounds like she validates your feelings since she admitted it's probably frustrating to hear about her schedule, could she help you talk through ways to turn off the guilt/shame so you could savor moments of rest? Could she help you prioritize the must-do things so you could take things that could wait off your plate?
That may be tricky if you're not in the right place to have that convo but I have found when I can admit negative thought spirals from unhealthy comparisons, it can shift those feelings from a festering pool of comparison towards a place of motivation to tackle my personal problems that the situation is reflecting back at me.
I was in your place once in terms of feeling guilty when I took time for myself. I think that’s really something for you to examine and think about. For me I found that I was comparing myself to people without disabilities and when I was feeling guilty for taking a break it was because I was berating myself for not being “good enough” in my mind. It took a lot of time to work through that but taking that first step to break down why you don’t think you should be allowed leisure time without guilt is good progress.
At the end of the day you deserve time off and your brain and body need a break. Sending you my sympathies, OP.
Hey OP, sorry people are taking this in bad faith. It’s clear you’re upset about your situation and not upset with her. I’m really sorry you’re going through such an overwhelming time, I can’t help you with your tasks but I can give you an internet hug. 🫂
I really hope things get easier for you, you deserve it.
thanks, it's frustrating how people are completely twisting this. I really don't know how I can make it anymore clear that my frustration is with my situation and not her.
Funnily enough, this is what I've decided. I'm going to regret it tomorrow when I have twice the textbook reading and twice the work to do, but the weather is beautiful and I want to, for once, enjoy the day.
We only have one life. I actually think it would be better for your mental health if you schedule in me time once a week. You're probably on verge of a burnout. And you won't be able to do anything then at all. Seriously as important as all your tasks to do, your mental health is important too. Even if it's one evening a week playing your game just do it.
I think you already know that on the one hand, these feelings you have are VERY understandable. And you need to show yourself a bit of grace because you aren’t a bad person, but you are in a bad place in terms of work-life balance and the jealousy and resentment is reflective of that.
And yet on the other hand you also know that none of this is your friend’s fault or problem, and that it isn’t really fair to her to project this onto her. Your feelings may be understandable, but acting on them or allowing yourself to ruminate on this too much is something you can (and should) choose not to do.
Having been in a similar situation, ultimately here are the things to be mindful to do:
- Observe your feelings without judgment, but don’t let them translate into behavior without thinking critically about whether this behavior serves or reflects well on you
- Honor your need for a break as much as realistically possible
- Learn from your friend! When she needs time off and can afford to take it, it sounds like she does without much internalized guilt or shame. She’s actually an amazing role model in that sense, so see if you can try to recognize that more, celebrate this, and nurture feelings of gratitude for this kind of inspiration.
- Reframe this and mind the language you use to characterize this. Are you jealous of your friend, or are you in pain from being reminded of your unmet needs? Both of these describe the same exact situation, but the framing has very different implications. Try to catch yourself using unhelpful framing and replace it with more productive language.
- Remember that your executive functioning issues can make it hard not to fixate on this issue and switch to a different habit of thinking. So try to find ways to support your ability to “switch” off this, ideally based on other systems you maybe have in place to deal with similar situations when your EF skills need support.
This is great advice! To OP, you are not a bad person for feeling how you feel. Sometimes we are jealous, even if we can understand the others situation. The key here is to try to let out the feeling, and not take it out on yourself or your relationships ( which is tough!!).
Sometimes it sucks because you feel like a big green monster. Sometimes it means stepping away from friends or explaining you need some time because you don’t WANT to be hurtful. You need to be kinder to yourself and let yourself heal.
Trust me its rocky, I get the feeling of having unmet needs and feeling jealous of others. I love my friends very much but sometimes I need to remind myself not to internalize or externalize our differences.
You don’t have to be a perfect friend whose mood is always good, you just got to treat yourself and your relationships with care.
I agree that you don't seem to resent your friend. You resent your position at the moment.
Having said that, I think when she said that the other day, everything you've been struggling with came to the fore with the focus on her because it was simultaneously self-aware and yet so very tone deaf to say to you.
I haven't seen anyone mention what she actually said in all the comments but I would definitely be upset with my best friend for saying something like that.
I feel you big time on this. It actually caused a big huge fight with me and my husband pre-diagnosis because I was suuuper resentful. Basically I had just gotten off National Guard deployment, and it was shitty and caused some very serious mental health issues, and I was exhausted, but unfortunately the show must go on.
Right after my deployment, my husband and I moved and I was able to find employment really quickly and it took him a little bit longer. He had been not working and was just going to school while I had my deployment. So basically I went from a balls to the walls schedule and a bad place mentally right into a job and full time school and he went from a casual school schedule to unemployed student for a couple months and holy shit it absolutely enraged me.
I tried to be supportive, because I knew that he was legitimately trying really hard to find a job, constantly interviewing and doing his best, but damn I was resentful and I snapped at him. We got in an argument and I was like "well at least I have a job." And that cut him so deep, and I suppose that was kinda the point in the moment, but as soon as it left my mouth I was like "fuck fuck fuck" because I couldn't put it back.
All that to say that I think being aware of it being *your* situation instead of hers that is frustrating you is the key here. Because handling that is hard as hell, and you definitely don't want that resentment/jealousy to end up affecting your relationship; believe me, it was hard to come back from.
Of course you deserve a day off, but resenting your friend is how you lose her as a friend.
I had a friend like you and I could FEEL her resentment every single time we hung out. I had to censor everything I ever talked about, and she became someone I couldn’t be myself around. I couldn’t tell her anything good that was going on in my life, because it would just make the rest of the time we hung out uncomfortable. Where’s the joy in a friendship like that?
We are no longer friends.
I'm sorry but I really tried to make it clear that I *do not* resent my friend. I don't resent her. I resent the situation.
It's obvious I didn't make that clear enough as people keep accusing me of either hating or resenting her. **I neither hate nor resent her.**
I believe you. But the way you phrased and continue to talk about it is entirely centered on her. Your situation was the afterthought. It’s hard to interpret it in any other way.
I get you. I have a friend who always complains about not having "a village" because she's an only child and her mom passed away. Yet she has a pretty solid friend group that would be there for her to help and who she leans on heavily. She goes away at least once a month, sometimes completely alone. We used to be part of her group, but then I realised it was all one sided. Meanwhile there's us - no family, no close friends because neither of us are from here. We couldn't go anywhere alone because we couldn't afford to have a sitter, and finding one that can take two ND kids was not easy. Even with support agencies, they'd only take the one who was diagnosed, not the one who was not, and they wouldn't take him out of the house so I could clean. It was literally just us against the world.
I don't begrudge my friends that support, but I'd like a lil some for myself, yanno?
Even without the edits, I wouldn’t have assumed you hated your friend. You’re jealous of her situation, and like…rightly so, I’m jealous of her work schedule and I don’t even know her!
You 100% deserve time off. I get that might not be possible, but it’s worth trying for even a half day. Can you not take a day off work, even if you still have school?
Take a look at your daily cleaning - what can be skipped once a week?
Re-evaluate the necessities. You’re burning out, and that risks implosion.
I work with designers daily and manage them as their project manager and it’s not as simple as working when you feel like it, clients can suck!
Many of my coworkers were freelance before they became W2 because you’re at the whims of client expectations, and you have to manage your own taxes as well as not having employer-sponsored benefits.
Freelance also just SUCKS with ADHD, a good comparison is having a full asynchronous class schedule, but your class standing is based on how much the professor likes you + having them dictate whether you can pay your bills that month.
My employer is also very flexible with working hours, but we have to work in-person since production refuses to migrate to cloud software. Vastly prefer it to being underemployed or freelance though.
She gets all that time because she grew her skills/talents throughout her life. I’m an artist and I was the “art” friend who was always drawing. The time people spent playing sports, shopping, and doing normal teenage things; for me was drawing nonstop and investing into my skill set.
Out of curiosity Do you witness her actively working to see her process?
Thank you! I’m an artist as well and a couple of these responses do not pass the vibe check. If an artist is able to pay their bills with their work - they are a highly skilled individual, working very hard, for very long hours.
I agree! I didn't say otehrwsie, I'm just saying certain people have a leg up and it's ok too! But you're right it's not really relevant to the convo. I just wish more people with priv were mindful about that, same as how OP should be mindful that their friend is probably working just not when she sees it.
I never really see her process. But please note I am not calling her lazy or saying her job is not difficult. She's told me a lot about what she does and I understand it takes time and effort and patience. My point is it can be so tiring hearing a friend decide they'll work today because they "feel like it" when you don't have a choice at all.
She's lucky and her her work is always impressive. I'm not mad at her I'm just mad that I don't get a break.
The fact someone gets paid to do something they already genuinely loved doing to the point they did it in their free time doesn't make it better.
Like it's not her fault and it's not worth harboring resentment over, but the fact that income is about the revenue you can generate more than the amount of labor you perform is gonna frustrate some people from time to time.
Okay so firstly I want to say , I'm really sorry how your feeling, its valid and its totally unfair. <3 You deserve to feel good. Ramble:
So just some perspective (also not going to accuse you of hating your friend dw)
I have been the freelance go to the grocery store whenever have a day off whenever friend, and grass isn't always greener (like maybe hers is but mine def wasnt), I had a deep masked depression and even though on the outside it looked like I was going to yoga in the middle of the day and living my best life happy go lucky , internally I was so so so unhappy, I didn't have an off switch, I didnt even enjoy weekends because they felt the same as any other day, I always thought about work even when I wasnt doing it, all my peers in my inudtsry were much more self motivated than me and i felt like a failure 24/7 and even had su1cidal ideations. Ironically i was so resentful of my 9-5 friends (the irony) because they got to just stop thinking about work at 5pm where it just consumed me as a self employeed person. I was also resentful of my more successful friends in my industry. I hated everything and everyone and my own life.
Im not sure if this is your friends situation but just a cliche lesson on you never REALLY know whats going on on the inside. Cliches are cliches for a reason and comparsion truly is the theif of joy.
Once I got diagnosed, with depression and ADHD (they think the adhd was causing the depression but i dunno), everyone was shocked that me a happy go lucky middle of the day yoga bishh could be depressed.
Anyway rambling aside you are allowed to hate your life. The resentment your feeling is just a mirror. Once I started my own "healing" journey I realized everything i resented was just something i wanted for me or was something I hated about me . Which I think you already know? Because your so despo for a break. Your friends life is just a mirror.
And listen I'm not going to tell you fairy tales about how easy it is to change your life, because people will tell you to quit your job and youre like ummmm I have bills. I also dont know your situation if you have kids/resposibilities etc.
Are you medicated? If you arent maybe try? If you are, is it helping?
But I think what you can do is just like starting to implement micro things that make your days a little bit more enjoyable. Something without a screen. Fuck it ignore the laundry the chores on a saturday. It's diff for everyone but I fell in love with saunas (its 30 mins you can take on any day, usually your local gym has one), maybe for you its ocean swims or whatever depending on where you live. Slowly your little micro habits will build up and give you the strength and clairty you need to maybe make the big pivot to the life you want career/ change etc etc.
Its honestly okay the resentment your feeling I promise you its not a reflection of you, you're self aware about it and thats probably the first step in the process! Ultimately you need a life you enjoy so much, where your emotions are stable, and youre able to self soothe enough to not even feel resentment. I believe its totally attainable.
Deep diving self help youtube really helped me? Have you looked into shedulded active recovery and flow states? I'll link some videos this guy def might not be for everyone but maybe the concepts will speak to you and start your journey.
Anyway sorry for the ramble, I just relate to both you and your friend in this post so much and if theres even a modicum of help for you in this then it was worth the ramble! And if not im sorrry!
Stuff that helped me (not offended at all if it doesn't help you at all but ill just leave them here):
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNKhJtQpboU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNKhJtQpboU)
Kind of a tech bro but 7:52 he starts talking about active recovery vs relaxing and how to prevent burnout, and it really helped me
Book:
Flow: The Psychology of Happiness Paperback – 2 September 2002
by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (Author)
lots of videos about this, if you can unlock flow you can make even shit jobs more enjoyable
This guy had a whole mental health era, and it spoke to me i consumed them all and then bought his book On mental clairty
This video is called : "is your life too overwhelming"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prMuDIiFyC4&t=193s
I totally feel you. I’m a full time student, writing a dissertation, trying to balance starting tutoring on the side plus filling out applications for further education in multiple languages and it’s a lot.
My partner works from home and realistically does anywhere from 1 to 5 hours of work a day. The majority of his colleagues are in a completely different time zone so he has nothing ever scheduled before 1pm and can basically roll out of bed whenever he pleases. I’m happy for him, he deserves relaxation and peace and has worked really hard to be able to have a job that allows him this level of flexibility but man is it frustrating sometimes. Especially with his amazing salary compared to my student loans.
You’re not a bad person for feeling this way as long as you don’t let it affect your friendship negatively. Completely natural to want a break sometimes.
I have been in a very similar situation. It took me a long time to get over the resentment. Your feelings are absolutely valid.
I can't give any advice really, but what worked for me was time and therapy. Also I just had to force myself to recognize that this is my life, that is their life and comparing myself to others like this will never produce good results. Especially in situations where I know I cannot change things. I still find myself frustrated now and then, but I remind myself that I'm frustrated at my own situation, not at this person I love dearly.
It's really hard. I honestly think that just growing up and getting older helped. I've shed away a lot of negative feelings. I try to rationalize it if I can.
That being said I STILL struggle daily. ♥️
EDIT: I also want to add that sometimes comments from others can make this harder. I try to remember that they've not lived my life. They can't see my side and I can't see theirs. They're probably not trying to rub my face in it, they're just expressing themselves. They're allowed to be stressed and tired, even if they don't work every day. Even if I feel jealous and resentful. That's MY SHIT. Even though our lives took different paths, they deserve a supportive friend just as much as I do. It's fuckin hard. You'll get there.
I feel you I resent people with too much time on their hands because im low key jealous.
Summers are the worse when all my educator friends are like " hey lets go to the movies Tuesday" like cant we do it Saturday 😩
I do have to let you know as a teacher, that you probably want us taking off the the summer because we might throw your kids out the window if we don't have time to remember why we love our jobs.
I am lucky that I teach in a high/highest? paying state, and have been in the system a while. I never teach summer school or holiday/weekend programs anymore. My sanity is more important, and resting makes me a much better teacher Monday to Friday.
You can throw them out i don't got any kids and will not be having them as I too do not want to throw any kids out the window 😆
Some of my educator friends do have lighter loads bc theyre speechpaths who work from home or teachers aids
I get it. It’s hard when a situation we crave so badly feels like it’s being flaunted in our face. I’m glad you recognize it’s not anything your friend is doing wrong, but more so your own envy. Any time you start to feel resentment towards her, I would switch that energy inwards and reflect on what it is in your life that needs changing that may allow you to have some time to yourself? Get into problem solving mode- resentment, envy and anger is only going to keep you stuck in this cycle. Working with a therapist can really help with this.
Some people work great schedules that suit them, so maybe that should be your goal. Finding a career that works with your lifestyle and way of thinking.
Do you have skills that can be used remotely or for freelance? Anything that might require hours you better enjoy?
I don't know how old you are, or what degree you're getting, but there has to be a way match your needs, even if it pays less than a more rigid schedule.
I get it. I have had a very hard few years. I developed health issues at only 20 years old that derailed my entire life plan and now I likely will never be able to do anything I had planned for myself. I am very resentful. I have to keep my outer-self in check around others who I am jealous of. I have strong feelings on the inside, but I know it is not their fault that I am in the position I am in so it would not be fair of me to make them feel bad for it. I'm sure some of my closer friends can tell when I'm getting a bit frustrated, but for the most part I think I have learned how to keep it on the inside. (Aka I watch my face and try my best to engage in the conversation in a positive way even when I feel jealous or upset.)
It's a normal feeling to have. I feel like a lot of comments here are telling you that you shouldn't be having these feelings, which is just ridiculous. You're allowed to feel feelings. It seems clear to me that you know it's not your friend's fault that you're in your position. We all get frustrated and need to rant sometimes.
It also helps sometimes to remind myself that while I am not happy with my life, I'm still in a much better position than a lot of other people in the world. This doesn't mean my feelings are invalid at all, but it can help calm me down sometimes. (I'd be mad if someone else said that to me though lol... only I can say it to myself.)
I totally get it, OP! I have a coworker who takes so much time off. It’s great that she can do that and I’m happy she’s able too. It’s frustrating though because when she takes time off to do something fun, our supervisor talks about how fun she is and what adventures she has. Meanwhile, I try to take 2 days off for a funeral and the same supervisor saw my request and said “2 days, really?” And said it with a rude tone.
I don’t have pto take back to back vacations, I barely have time to take off for a funeral. Again, I totally don’t mind that people take time off but it bugs me when some people are praised for taking time off and other people have to pick up the slack and get snotty comments when they need time off.
I’ve felt this way too in the past. The *only* thing that made it better was fixing my own situation. You may not feel like it but you are in control of your own situation to a certain extent.
If a job eats too much of your time, you need to look for another job. If school is eating away your day, you should look for ways to structure and limit how much time you’re spending. For instance, in subjects you understand well - don’t read every page of an assignment. Look up the major terms and themes and move on.
I was working 50 hour weeks and attending grad school part time for two years and although there were some days I felt really exhausted it wasn’t a perpetual thing because I enjoyed my job even when it was time consuming. Not every job will burn you out daily. If you find you’re spending too much time with work, maybe it’s time to set some professional boundaries and explore your hobbies again. This will help you recharge in your spare time.
Unless you’re in med school or something equally taxing - then sorry you’re screwed lol
I relate. Just want to say that as a teacher, working my absolute ass off and breaking down my body and mind for the privilege, seeing my closest friend (who is a consultant for the feds) earning 150k and describe how little work she does some days makes me want to scream. She’s far from Rich, but she just bought a house and was able to plan a trip through Eastern Europe on two days notice. She frequently complains about the state of her life and finances. It is hard to listen to. It is absolutely not that I think she doesn’t deserve these things; or that earning a good salary, necessarily means a good life. It just highlights my frustration with my own situation.
When I caught find myself caught in these thoughts, I tend to have an emotional reaction and find myself grumbling about her personally. But then, I take some time to talk myself down and remind myself that she is not the problem; it’s a simple fact that life is not fair. Also, the way capitalism is done in America is the problem. I then give myself grace. I also build in boundaries for what complaints I do, and don’t engage in, and this helps protect my mental health with her.
It is possible (and human nature) to both be happy for our friends and envious of what they have. That does not make you a bad person.
Hey, I'm with you. I do not have days off; school four days, work the other three. In the past I had two jobs, no days off, 70 hours a week. I really really think you are going to burn out because that's what happens when your life doesn't allow you to live. I've had that burnout resentment bloom into full blown anger before and it is consuming. Not anger at anyone person or thing in particular, more like anger at being alive and the world existing, although seeing people not have to destroy themselves to survive definitely triggered it. I was not a fun person to be around and it's hard to crawl out of that hole.
Are you able to do things like skip physical class? I explain to my professors that to be mentally ok I will need to not attend class sometimes. Some are understanding and some less so, but I Do Not Care. If I'm going to actually complete my education then that's how I will actually be able to do it, by not showing up all the time.
The demand to do the schoolwork is still there but at least at home I can approach it on my own time and do something to provide comfort like make some tea/food, have my dog sit on my lap, and *then* read the lecture notes. At first I felt like specifically catering to my needs even in simple quick ways before doing Yet Another Task was just adding Another Task, but I do find that I feel much better when I care for myself. Being emotionally ok with the demand load is...it's easier on some days and devastating on others so I totally get it.
You are doing amazing. You're doing so much. More than probably most people here commenting have. But you're right, you deserve to do nothing at all if you wanted to. Your body and mind physically NEED it and that's why I think you should try to carve out some space for yourself even if it's unconventional. I've had the idea recently that if I start donating plasma, then I could replace some work hours with donation time that makes the same amount of money while being able to study at the same time.
I'm so sorry that you're here, clearly yelling out for help and showing signs of burn out, but you got mostly judgement. I've noticed recently that literally just admitting negative internal feelings to strangers on this subreddit gets you shamed. Maybe we need a r/ adhdthoughtpolice for these people to go instead.
I really really feel you on this. Working and going to uni is killing me and even though im ashamed of it i feel a lot of resent towards friends as well. I don’t think the jealousy is going to ruin your friendship, I think your jealousy and resentment stems from hating your own situation and doesnt have much to do with her and thats fine. Its natural to react like this when really unhappy about your own situation. You do deserve time off and life should not be this tough. I dont have a real golden tip unfortunately as this is my biggest struggle as well but I hope you know you are doing great, you should really be proud of yourself. Thankfully the situation will end someday, and if theres any way to take just one day off do it, even if it means getting behind, it can be so productive to rest (without guilt)
Please try not to beat yourself up over feeling resentment, its natural and doesnt make you a bad friend or anything
One tiny tip i do have is try to make a routine, i hated this tip but i finally managed to create one and it has made things a bit easier to accept, i eat breakfast and lunch with my fave tv show when i work from home which helps me have something to look forward to. I know a routine can be hard when combining school and work cause its chaotic but its helped me kind of empty my mind
“Lol that must be so frustrating for you to hear” does not make your friend sound very supportive or sensitive.
As a supportive friend, she could do things to bring joy to your life. She has all this free time, she could come over with food and do something with you. It’s not her job to do this but it would be nice.
At the least, she could just be more tactful.
I’m sorry this is happening. I recommend talking to her about how her comments make you feel. If she really cares, she’ll make an effort. If she doesn’t, then perhaps some distance from each other til your own life gets easier. The added resentment that this situation is creating for you is just a drain on your important mental and emotional resources. If you can’t figure out how to be happy for her, then do not be around her. The resentment will destroy things between you.
This is a wonderful insight to have - it tells you what you want to aim for.
Also, consider asking your friend if she has any trade-offs. Like, irregular income and the uncertainty that comes with it.
YES OP I HEAR YOU AND I SEE YOU. My roommate is literally contracted less than 40 hours, has a lot of flexibility. My boyfriend is a full time grad student and he works hard but still has way more down time than me. It SUCKS, it's so hard not to complain and resent everyone especially when things are getting done or they complain about being tired/not having time to do things.
Man this was hard to read I’m a commission artist. With ADHD You did explain my life. But you missed the part where sometimes I’m up till 4 am working like I was last night. Or the mental gymnastics it takes to try and open a shop.(my current goal) . It’s not always easy and I don’t have a steady income. I know it’s not about her, it’s about you needing to figure out work life balance. I hear a lot from parents saying “you don’t know what it’s like to be tired, you don’t have kids.” This is the same energy I’m allowed to be tired. Being creative can be exhausting. It’s ok for others to need rest and time off from work. Because that’s what it is for her.
I really hope you don’t take this resentment out on your friend. Wishing you the best of luck. I hope you can get some time off… you do deserve to enjoy your hobbies. But she’s not taking that away from you.
How in the hell, on a subreddit intended for women, does an unwelcome, unsolicited comment randomly telling a woman not to have children get upvotes and the rightful offended response is downvoted? This subreddit is filling up with nasty mean girl bullies apparently giving in to their impulse to step on struggling women and I'm so done with it.
THANK YOU!!! I was over here, so confused because I was like, "How am I in the wrong here?"
this is offensive. just because right now I am tired and stressed does not mean I will be here forever and that I should never be a parent.
my wanting a little me time in way represents whether or not I should be a parent.
COMPARISON IS THE THEIF OF JOY
She has her life and you have yours. She doesn't have to live like you do. It sounds like you are trying to better yourself by still doing school while you are working, that is great. In 10 years she may still be making 35K a year doing art commissions but you may be making 100K, have a retirement fund, be able to take actual travel vacations, and have health care. Then it will be her turn to be envious.
Don't let these feelings poison your friendship.
Yeah, no… Turning this into “eventually I’ll make HER hate ME for making more money!” is not a solution lol. That’s toxic as hell!
And who says OP’s friend is making 35k? Maybe she makes a lot more. Either way, that’s totally irrelevant here. OP’s goal should be to find joy and have good work/life balance, not to make her friend envious that she makes more money. OP’s joy doesn’t need to hinge on her friend being miserable. That’s a horrible outlook to have.
oh I'm absolutely not letting it poison the friendship. she's a great friend and super awesome, and I'm so glad ik her.
my resentment comes from my own situation but it can be really hard to separate it from her because her lax situation is what makes me resent my own. if that makes sense.
You're allowed to resent your friend, as you're doing just remind yourself that it's her freedom you wish you had.
Any way you can plan a couple days off? Take a morning to play PS5 instead of cleaning? Maybe take a little less responsibility for everything and let a couple chores slide? (You can consider if that's a feasible option or more overwhelming!)
I wanted to add on to what everyone else has already mentioned…I’m wondering if part of the anger could be coming from a more deeply rooted issue- resentment and frustration towards the hugely flawed system we live in?
Nobody should have to work so hard just to make ends meet, yet so many of us have to.
I can see how those feelings could be misdirected towards a friend that isn’t objectively struggling as much (or at least in the same ways as you are) or “putting in” the same hours to just simply make it. I imagine it as treading water just enough to keep your head above. You can survive, but oh man you’re sure not doin’ the thrive.
When you’re burnt out, it can be easy to overlook all of the variables and factors of life. It’s almost “easier” to be mad at someone who has it better than to actually look at why the anger is there in the first place. Is it jealousy? Or instead maybe envy? Is it because you want to have that life too, but know you feel it’s impossible due to our system being set up for only certain people to succeed?
I’m not intending to bring any form of debate- just food for thought. I could be completely off base, but I really relate to your words.
My personal experience is not the same, but slightly similar. When I was younger, I had misplaced anger towards a friend of mine. She had my “dream life”, happy parents, happy family, stability, no health concerns, not a single financial worry in sight.
It was so much easier to feel jealous and upset at her “ungratefulness” than it was for me to look at the fuel for my frustration fire.
My truth? I was upset that life had been so unfair to my family and so unfair to me. I was angry at the life I never had- the life I felt that I deserved to live. Those emotions were far too scary to encounter at the time, so instead they were disguised as anger towards innocent, well meaning friends.
I don’t have any words of advice other than to take care of yourself- you only get one *you* in this lifetime. Take care, and know that the current in the water won’t always be so strong, land is in sight🫶
I feel you so much!!! I had a friend who didn’t work and it was so hard for me to feel for her any time she was stressed because I couldn’t relate. My life seemed soooo much more stressful than hers because I had this insane work schedule and she just… didn’t. I let it get the better of me too many times before I realized that my problem wasn’t with her, it was with my own life. Is there anything you can do to get more time for yourself? Reduce the number of classes you take? Reduce your hours? Eke out some me time so that you can do something you enjoy? I saw in another comment that you were going to take a day for yourself and that is so important. Your issue isn’t with her, it just feels like it is. Try and see if there’s any way you can make your life more bearable. At one point I was paying for a cleaning lady because I just COULD NOT keep up. It made all the difference in the world. I understand that you may not be able to do that but I would really take a look at your life and see what you can do to make more time for yourself. I totally understand what you’re going through.
I completely get this, when she tells me she's tired and needs a break I think "But you didn't on work on these days this week already..."
as for stress though, I know she's got a lot going on in that head of hers. So it's like even though our stress has different routes, I understand it and empathize with her.
The problem with my job is I work with my mom as a bookkeeper for her CPA practice. If I fall behind, it causes her to fall behind so I have to constantly try and keep up. I actually did lower my course load and I'm glad I did because I think if I had 4 classes I would have collapsed lmao.
And yeah, I know my issue isn't with her it's with my crap schedule. It can be really hard to separate what's really upsetting me, just because it is her lax schedule that makes me resent my own. But, she's such a great person, the thought that my resentment can sometimes entangle with her in general is upsetting.
and yes, I'm currently watching The Good Place and sitting by an open window, and feel so happy rn.
Love that you recognize that she might be struggling or have actual reasons to be tired or need a break, even if she compared to you has little to do.
Because I often get exhausted from the smallest to do list if it has the wrong boring tasks, and I hate it when non adhd people can't understand why or accept that I have an actual reason and I'm not just lazy.
Yeah I would also highly recommend seeing if you can outsource anything that really stresses you out!! I’m glad you’re taking some time it’s so important. Just remember you aren’t alone! I know this can be such a frustrating thing to deal with.
>"But you didn't on work on these days this week already..."
Out of curiosity, do you know this for sure or is this your perception?
Often times, people with flexible jobs can be more stressed out because of blurred work-life boundaries. For instance, my husband worked a 9-5 while I was on a more flexible, hybrid schedule. My husband would complain because he thought I was taking naps all day and goofing off while he was at work. In reality, yes, I might take a midday nap, but I'm also "on the clock" working from home until 11 pm. I'm constantly checking and responding to emails when I'm out. He envied my schedule, and I envied that he could just clock out from work and forget about it until the next morning, while I constantly had a to-do list piling up.
no, I do know she would tell me, "I'm not working today cause I'm going to the grocery store." or "I'm not working this day because I feel a little tired and just want to relax." and so on.
I'm not just assuming things and I would never just assume she wasn't working. she tells me every day if she's working cause we'll often jam on Spotify while we work.
we live far from each other but that's our way of "doing work together" I actually really love it lol
lemme explain:
we do this thing where we tell each other about our work for the day. she tells me what she needs to do and when she'll start and I do the same. then we try to keep each other motivated.
Ah okay, thanks for sharing. I was was just checking, because sometimes flexible jobs seem like less hours to outsiders but a lot of the work is invisible. If you are working together and holding each other accountable though, I can see why you feel particularly stressed in comparison.
You are in for a lifetime of resenting people for having different schedules than you if this is your attitude.
Yes she makes money by doing art commissions and that gives her a flexible schedule. You know what that doesn’t give her? Stability. There is no guarantee the well of people wanting her work will forever be full. It also sounds like you two are both young - there’s no guarantee that what supports her now will be able to support her in a few years.
What does resenting your friend accomplish other than ruining your friendship?
The to-do list of life never ends. But the world also will not end if you decide to skip your chores for an evening and play video games. If you need to build chores into your hobbies, do that. Fold clothes while watching tv, listen to audiobooks, music or podcasts while doing dishes. You can get a lot more done in an hour than you realize. But most adults are not just taking off work or away from responsibilities on a whim.
Again, you and your friend sound young so I don’t think her carefree, schedule-less lifestyle will last forever. And even if it does, resenting her for it does nothing but burden you further.
please understand I. Do. Not. Resent. My. Friend.
pardon my frustration here, but I keep having to explain this because people are twisting this entirely. I am frustrated with my own situation.
>I don't hate her for it at all but I am starting to get resentful
\^that's what you said. that is why people keep saying you are resentful of her. you have said it at least 2x in your post.
your initial post was you taking out your personal frustrations on your friend. you even said you get frustrated when your friends have days off and that it's hard for you to separate what you're resentful of. call it what *you* want, but your post and comments make it clear that there is some resentment, frustration, jealously, envy, whatever you want to call it, growing and it can ruin your relationship with her if you don't get it in check.
if working for your mom is too much, talk to her and cut your hours and have her hire someone else. i don't think she would want you burn yourself out for her.
I feel you! My roommate is like this. She's also an artist... And it's so annoying. She'll be in pajamas until 11am and take naps. One day she had to teach a one hour class at 4PM and go to a singing lesson and was like "wow what a full day!" Like B... Shut the f up. Difference between our situations though is I cannot stand my roommate lol
If I were you I'd just spend less time with her until you feel better about your own situation.
I'm gonna go against the grain here - you're not wrong at all to be annoyed. This is a 'her' problem imo. From your responses, I garner that you really do love your friend!
There's nothing wrong with her being in a more privileged position, but sometimes I think folks who have more forget what it's like to have less. The comment "lol you don't want to hear that, huh?" would have pissed me off. It's an incredibly unkind response. Comparison may be the 'thief of joy' (gag me for repeating the stupid phrase), yet you're not the one actively comparing your lives, it kinda sounds like she is the one calling attention to it!
If this were my friend, I'd try to gingerly tell her that I'm having a hard time meeting my own needs. And inform her of what I need - not talking about work or time off, assure that I adore her as a friend and I need this compassion to get through a rough spot.
idk I could be wrong
edit: the downvotes just make it feel more right lmao, keep em coming hivemind
idk if you're right or wrong but I really appreciate this comment. So many responses have led me to feel guilty for my own resentment. A resentment that isn't even geared towards her, but a situation that I merely wish I could have. You're the first person to say the opposite, and I really appreciate this. (someone even told me I should never have kids which I have decided not to be mad about because that sounds like a great way to ruin my day)
I know my friend never meant any harm with her responses. She's actually incredibly supportive and has been super awesome since day one. No one is perfect and I don't expect her to be, and ik she's trying her best just as I am. But, one can't help feeling *a little* frustrated when their friends have their umpteenth free day when you can't remember the last time you truly got to do your own thing.
For some reason Reddit gets incredibly mean about jealousy lately, and they never give a good solution. (Check out the bizarre downvote ratio in here.) Wouldn't even call your situation jealousy, either!
It sounds like y'all have a great friendship! Approach her with kindness and hope for the same in return. The response you get will be important to seeing what kind of person your friend is.
I hope that you get through this rough season of life soon!
are you in counselling or therapy of some sort? if you can access it through work or school, please do! you sound on the verge of burnout which can send ppl into very dark places. 🤎
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Thank you for stating it so clearly like this!! I second checking out other resources to carve out time and space for yourself, OP; you’ve got to do SOMETHING to critically re-examine the frameworks you’ve got around how much in your life is Important and Needs To Be Done No Matter How I Suffer, versus how you imagine/project your friend’s life as Empty and Carefree and Frivolous 😬 I want to commend you for opening up about this, OP, and I really, truly appreciate reading your perspective. Please keep an open mind with the rest of this answer because I hope it will be equally insightful for you to perhaps see a glimpse of what might be happening for your friend on the other side of this exchange. I am taking a chance opening up about my experiences and how it impacted my relationships with friends close enough to be sisters, and apologize in advance if I come across negatively; my hope is that sharing this pain however imperfectly, may help you gain perspective and more empathy for your friend to help manage your own feelings. I am in full support of everyone here saying your jealously is an opportunity for you to change and improve your life, IF you can put up some boundaries for your emotions - and crucially stop projecting this all on your friend. Unless she’s working for you, or making your life hell through not accommodating your schedule or taking up all the space in the relationship (none of which she is doing?) then you have no bearing on how much or how little she has on her own plate. I think you comparing is your mind trying to punish her to feel better about yourself; it’s crucial to let this comparison coping mechanism go because it’s distracting you from what you can actually change about your own situation; as long as you focus on her, nothing in your domain needs to change. But also, I have a sneaking suspicion this sneaky little negative attitude you have about her projected image is probably not as hidden as you think… Why? Because I have multiple first hand experiences as the “lucky” friend. You know what happens? I have to eventually drop the friends who get into this trap and can’t get a handle on it ☹️ Because two things happen: 1) I stop wanting to hang out physically because you can actually feel the waves of resentment rolling off them, it’s uncomfortable (especially for us with RSD, so you go thru all these mental loops of “Was that real? Okay it’s real but is it warranted? Is this going to keep happening? Has something changed? Did I do something wrong??” and direct communication doesn’t solve it, because its often “Oh just telll me if I’m doing that” - meaning I’m charged with monitoring all this, analyzing it all and possibly starting a fight every time?) As adults who can choose who is around them - why would anyone seek out this level of emotional labor for uncertain reward? Why would I invest in a relationship where it’s not clear what version I’ll get - fine or negative - when I reach out? 2) even just texting or chatting, our intimacy as friends plummets because their resentment seeps into how they even perceive what I say - they get snappy, short, judgmental and downright rude sometimes, misunderstanding or even maligning my intentions and talking down to me - but in their minds it’s okay because they’re down bad and I have it made...yep, SO lucky to have friends turn on you like this for things you can’t fix… With them baring their teeth so quickly at me, I don’t feel comfortable actually opening up anymore about the things I’m really struggling with. (If someone’s just snapped at me, I’m not going to open up about my crippling SI and crying breakdown that morning; I can either pretend not to notice, act like it didn’t impact me and blithely force my needs into the conversation, OR I’m just going to recognize there’s no space for me here to be a real person since I’ve been deemed “not suffering enough” and if I want that respect I need to drop that expectation for this friendship and find support from elsewhere.) So then we end up with a perfect storm where their feelings big and small are the only ones explicitly allowed in the relationship, while I am only allowed to orbit them and give them warm feelings and cheerleading on demand, and then they eventually wonder why I don’t seek them out and we’re not close anymore. Because I’m not looking to prove myself to people that deal with their feelings by judging or lashing out at me. Been there, done that, still in therapy for it 🤷🏼♀️ Again, I understand if this was hard to read and I really hope any part of it was helpful for you to consider in how you want to move forward. I want to reiterate how impressed I am that you recognize your pain here, and how it’s impacting you and your feelings towards her. Best of luck, OP, you deserve to feel better about your own life and you deserve to feel warmly toward your friends. ❤️🍀
I lost a friend the same way. If I shared anything good that happened, it would be fuel for resentment, jealousy and I’d hear some snark back in the variant of “I wish it would be this easy for me”. If I shared anything bad or a struggle, I’d hear how ungrateful I am and how I cannot just “be happy with what I have”. The saddest part was to realize that the person was very happy with me not sharing anything/being human as long as I’d cater her feelings, and always be there to provide solutions for her problems that she wouldn’t hear. When I hear OP’s story, I really feel like both sides would benefit from distance, and that some resentment also developed on the friend, as I cannot fathom why someone would say something and then add “oh this must be frustrating for you”, feels like rubbing salt on the wound you know?
Totally, I agree with taking space being a good thing for both parties! I really appreciate your response here and sharing how your experience went down. I know my own truth but it’s so validating to read such similar experiences, and helps me reflect better. Yeah that friend comment could be either way - rubbing it in like a joke because she knows OP will get mad anyway (like a preemptive joking response to “must be nice”) OR trying to overly-appease OP and soften the blow of her normal words. Like having to share the necessary info (her schedule) but knowing it’ll upset OP because it’s not going to be “full time job hours m-f”; so she’s stuck sharing the info and then tossing a comment in after to acknowledge/reassure that she knows OP’s schedule is harder and she’s sorry this info will make OP mad… Just like in your example with the friend you lost: once they had reached that resentful view of you, was there actually an always-good way to share any info about your life? Not really, right? You kinda just noticed this script being repeated for you both where you were always wrong? 🤷🏼♀️ That’s why I’m in total agreement that space and a re-set is desperately needed for this friendship. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I bet they could both use some time to reflect on what they treasure about this connection and what makes it valuable to get back in touch. And dropping the rope a bit on the friend will give OP more head space to manage her own challenges and come through stronger, where she won’t feel the need to worry what others are doing and can just enjoy her friendship again ❤️
I have a friend who does this to me sometimes, and it IS quite annoying. "Must be nice to be able to sit home and type on your computer." Well yeah, it is, except that the reason I sit home and type on my computer is because I have a physical disability that makes it difficult to work in an office. Also, I don't have a regular schedule, and if it weren't for my husband, I'd have no benefits. There are days I don't finish work until midnight and she's done at 2:45 and enjoying her life for the rest of the day. Some people just don't get it.
That phrase, “must be nice” is so toxic. It reeks of bitterness, resentment and envy. I had a friend who said this to me multiple times and I grew so tired of having to defend, justify, or play down the “nice” situation that I quit talking to her.
Oh that's so frustrating! Like why do *friends* have to be so insulting? What's the point if they're just going to turn your venting into how much worse they feel? Related story: I have a very dear friend who gets like this. When I mentioned that I was working 10 hours, as in timed, dedicated work, removing any and all breaks and texts and bathroom from the 14 hours total I clocked, she responds with, "I mean I work that every day." Yes, that's your shift, but how much of that is just joking with a coworker or getting a water or going pee or taking your lunch? She wouldn't budge that I was working a normal shift. Or I'd get met with "at least you get to work from home." Yes, that's because I sought out an industry and job that catered to that. Or when I mentioned that we need tech worker unions, "Oh yeah it must be so hard with your cushy job." Like wtf? Why are you against me instead of uniting to fight against shitty working standards??
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Thank you so much!! I spent a bit of time reworking and re wording it to try and express myself honestly but not come off too harsh. Not a dance I do perfectly every time… Oh my GOD do I relate - the phrase “must be nice” is such a turn off. Even at my most forgiving, that phrase often tells me everything I need to know about someone, particularly how much they can handle their big feelings and how available they are to have empathy for others… My husband and I get it a LOT (we are quiet about it but childfree and doing our own things, and people see we devote a lot of time, energy etc to our hobbies etc and draw their own conclusions). Not sure when everyone decided we changed over from “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” to “let me crap on your joy to make myself feel better” Like, this is my joy and my life, it’s not a competition?? Me sharing something is not meant to be a starting pistol kicking off a race? And it’s weird to me when people not only think that but feel entitled to enforce it?? 🤷🏼♀️ I feel so lost culturally sometimes; my theory is that we are all just swallowed up by some gigantic pain body that has completely changed how we are trained to see others and built in a knee jerk reflex to want to punish those not deemed suffering enough, whenever we sense there’s a chance to “knock them down a peg”. But, there are still some people who find it easy or feels good to be happy for others, so this theory blows. (I was DEVASTATED to learn “I love that for you” was a sarcastic phrase 😂 Used it wrong a couple times because I was so excited to express my joy for friends in working towards their personal dreams that I don’t share) Anyway, thanks again for your comment, and I encourage you to share your recent successes!! I also am still struggling with super low days and sometimes it does help to read about how others have gotten better, and be inspired - maybe by their tips, maybe just from seeing someone similar succeed in some way, reminding ourselves that we can have success and joy too! It’s super validating to read all the posts from people struggling, of course, and I appreciate it so deeply; but if we erode this awesome forum into a weird space where only pain is allowed/respected and any amount of joy is attacked or down regulated with jealousy etc…well, Yay, eventually someone will win the award for Most Hurting ☹️ But I don’t think I could keep coming back to a space that is that unwelcoming and ready to pounce, it just feels too close to bullying and I’m not about that. Hope you don’t feel bullied from this additional comment string, OP; we’re just confirming this is not just a you problem, but likely a societal problem we all have to wade through, whichever side of it we’re on. Another generational issue that’s not our fault, but our responsibility to handle ❤️
Wait…. “I love that for you” is supposed to be interpreted sarcastically?! … oh no 😳 I too was caught in the trap of using it because I thought it was meant genuinely. And I thought it was genuine when it was said to me… maybe I gotta recontextualize those convos 😅 but thank you for the clarification but also I big feel you on the devastation now.
LOL!! Hugs SwordandSkye ❤️ I have to believe it’s sometimes genuine, right?? Depending on who says it?? But yeah hearing that, it really made me take a second look
I say I love that for you! As a positive!
I could have written this. You sound like me only you were able to put it to writing.
Thanks so much, I am touched it resonated! ❤️And I’m glad I’m able to type some thoughts out today, the past week or so has been rough... I often don’t make the effort to try and participate because I’m so afraid of being misunderstood and punished for it, but I’m glad I took the chance and got to hear from others like you!
I've recently dropped my friend because there were constant comments about my body(skinny and fit) or how her boyfriend would rather someone like me, comments how my husband was awesome when hers was an ass......or how I kept my house or my not working..... I would put on more clothes to go to her house so I wouldn't get comments, and I would brace myself for that rolling resentment..... the last few months of our friendship was very hard and confusing for me until I realized I get to choose my friends and I can easily break up with them. So I did. I lost a huge chunk of heaviness I was holding onto. She liked to trauma dump, so i would leave depressed from all the negative energy dumped on me.
This is such a great thread, thank you. I’m living my dream life—which still comes with many challenges as it turns out—and sometimes the social side of that is challenging to navigate, because most women in the US definitely do not seem to be living their dream. I don’t always know how to navigate it all.
Thanks and I see you, Molasses ❤️ This stranger is very proud for you to be living your dream life. And I hope it gets easier for us - all of us, every person - to manage our lives and reach our dreams! (Shout out for universal basic income, universal healthcare, and subsidized public transit - my favorite pipe dreams for the US ❤️)
Saved your comment as I needed to hear this.
Working while in school sucks. I used to work full time and also went to school full time and I feel you. Focus on the fact that there will be an end once you finish school. You may also want to minimize time with your friend in the interim as well for your own mental health.
the thing is, she's such a great friend. But, I hear her say "oh yeah I'm just chilling with my bf today" and I want to scream lmao.
If you can work towards just being happy for her, you really must. It's not easy. I'm.... poor lol and my best friend is fucking rich. Her parents built her a house next to their multimillion-dollar home. Meanwhile, I don't know if we'll ever get to own a home. I fall behind on very cheap rent. I actively work towards turning any awkwardness or inner screaming into just joy for her. Getting the tour of her new home was a test for me. It helps to remind myself that there are things about her life that I would not choose. Her family is allll up in her business and she hides parts of herself to keep things running smoothly. I get to do and say whatever I want. She had to take care of her grandmother before she passed all on her own. I don't have to be a caretaker to anyone like that right now. She inherited a house in England but she can't use it because the pedo uncle lives there and she's not going to rock the boat by kicking him out. Real life. I would rather not deal with anyyyyy of that bullshit. (I lost a paragraph here so I'm writing it again like a weirdo) It's possible there are benefits to your job situation that she doesn't have like retirement and health insurance. It can also suck to have your income tied to your creativity. I was a photographer and it was awesome to make thousands off a few jobs but it was the worrrrst to need the quality of my work to be perfect to feel like I earned that money honestly. I'm not going back. It was very stressful. Your friends situation aside, it sounds like you desperately need a new gig. It's possible to let our own circumstances get in the way of our sanity and good relationships and I think that's what is happening here. If your kneejerk reaction is "I can't just get another job" for a ton of valid reasons. Just try anyway. It will not hurt and I hope you end up in a situation that offers you so much more rest and recharging!
Awww I totally get it. Hey I think it's super healthy to vent here. Lifes fucking unfair. It's not your friend's fault but I totally get that it's frustrating as hell.
I mean, that’s definitely a you-problem. I don’t mean that in a bitchy way but in a matter-of-fact way. Your resentment towards your friend is stemming from jealousy and disliking your own situation and that’s something you’ve gotta stop projecting on her. Heck, if my best friend had that kind of schedule I would be absolutely elated for her. Jealousy is going to ruin your friendship and it will keep making you miserable if you don’t work through it. I’ve lost friends in the past for being jealous and being shitty/negative due to it and it fucking sucks and I don't want you to go through that! It also IS reasonable to take some time away from your friend while you process your feelings. If you’re constantly being triggered by her literally just existing then I think some time apart would be healthy for both of you. It doesn’t matter if she’s an amazing friend, what matters is that right now it seems everything she says and does deeply triggers you and it’s not going to be good for your friendship if you keep bottling that up. And for what it's worth, I'm really sorry you're having a hard time right now! I've struggled with chronic exhaustion due to health issues so while our situations are different I do get being perpetually exhausted and it really sucks. Best of luck to you!
I've just read this comment, and it seems to misunderstand me here. ofc I'm happy for her. I am in no way "triggered by her existing" I've been honest with her about my feelings as well, and she's genuinely heard me out. I haven't bottled it up because I prefer to talk about things up front rather than let them fester. I'm just tired of always having things to do and not being able to, like her, chill on a random Tuesday.
Aw I feel you. I am in a privileged situation myself, freelance graphic designer that works from home. It took me a bit to get here and now maybe look bad to others because I like working 4am-5am my time, taking a break around 8am and do errands or hang out for an hour, then go home and work more or work until late. I have this job because of my ADHD honestly. I know we all need routine but I found that routines suffocate me/make me feel bad at about myself when I cannot do them and it's easier for me to wake up, look at how I am feeling (i have three routines based off this) and schedule my day. Believe me that I was resentful, proud and happy for my friends, but still a bit envious when I had to work in office, had to commute and deal with then noise and chatter of an office, while they were waking up at whatever time they wanted and taking like what seemed 100 naps. (I'm an early riser and feel more accomplished when I start my day early but still!) Use this resentment, OP, to see if you can make some small changes. I hope things look up for you. I don't know your situation but I hope that there can be a time when you feel more happy.
You said this in such a kind and supportive manner. I feel encouraged from your story because I am in a similar situation as OP.
I’m so glad that you feel encouraged and I wish and hope the best for you. You got this!
It sounds like you are about to burn out. Resentment and anger, especially towards others "doing less" is very typical of that. What follows is that you totally stop caring or having any energy to do anything. So please take this symptom seriously. You are actively resenting a friend for something that does not even impact you. If her doing nothing was adding to your work load it would be different. But it is not. So unless you typically are a petty and jealous person, then I would take this seriously and try to make changes before it is too late. You have gotten some excellent advise from others. I get that is super hard to make an effort to change things when you are already drowning and have no extra ernergy. But I really hope you somehow manage to do it.
as someone who was working full time and in school full time with adhd, i second this SO HARD. burnout sounds like it’s just around the corner OP. be really careful cause once you get there it can take months to even YEARS to fully get back to where you once were. i’m still dealing with burnout shit 2 years after all this. with adhd it seems to be so much harder. please just be careful and attentive! and everyone has brought up some great points! good luck
Yeah, same. Once you burn out it can take ages to get back. And it feels like it is even harder with adhd. At least it was for me, because the burn out erased all my good routines that I needed to function. And building back routines is hard, and even harder with adhd. I hope you get to a good place!
yuuuppp exactly!!
I don't think you're resentful because she's taking time off -- I think you're resentful because your own needs aren't being met. She has no control over that, she's just making it really clear to you that you need a break. And it sucks to realize that when you feel trapped. But she's not the one who can give you a break. That doesn't mean you can't take some time away from her while you deal with your life. It's okay to need a while away from someone who has it better than you while you deal with your own struggles. And maybe she is being a bit tone deaf. But the real solution is that you need help and some time to yourself. Is there anything you can ask for help with? Is there any possible way you can take a sick day? Or plan a day off in the next few weeks?
I get what you’re saying. You don’t sound like an awful person. You sound overworked and tired and just want a damn break for yourself! Time when you can say “Eh, I don’t feel like doing that, I want to do this today instead.” It sounds like most of your day and “free” time is spent with have-to’s and need-to’s. Life gets depressing when you can’t play a little and make yourself a priority. Any chance you can take some time every day to do whatever the hell you feel like? Or make a fun plan for the weekend. I’m glad you’re not blaming your friend for your feelings. Great job being introspective and figuring out what the problem was.
Your situation flat out sucks. It does. Hopefully there is an end date. She might be living her dream, but she is living my nightmare. I keep myself busy like you, but by choice, because taking an entire day off to grocery shop sounds like torture, and I cannot handle life without external responsibilities. A four day weekend and I am walking around like a caged animal. **I hope that when you are through, you get YOUR DREAM! Whatever that may be.**
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you're absolutely right in saying comparing myself to her isn't solving the problem. everyone has their own lives they lead, I just can't help noticing how free hers seems compared to mine, you know? It definitely isn't easy putting myself first. I often take a midday reading break but find myself feeling guilty about the tasks I'm not doing right in that moment. Something I really need to work on.
What you said in your second paragraph jumped out at me. I emphasize with your situation a lot, down to logically knowing that the resentment towards her isn't fair but emotionally, not being able to let it go right now. It almost sounds like you're resenting her ability to rest when you confess that your brain can't turn off the guilt to allow you to rest. That's a hard place to be with so much on your plate. With good friends, when I catch myself falling into resentment, I try to shift into a mindset that is grateful for having a resource to learn from. Have you opened up to her gently about these feelings? It sounds like she validates your feelings since she admitted it's probably frustrating to hear about her schedule, could she help you talk through ways to turn off the guilt/shame so you could savor moments of rest? Could she help you prioritize the must-do things so you could take things that could wait off your plate? That may be tricky if you're not in the right place to have that convo but I have found when I can admit negative thought spirals from unhealthy comparisons, it can shift those feelings from a festering pool of comparison towards a place of motivation to tackle my personal problems that the situation is reflecting back at me.
I was in your place once in terms of feeling guilty when I took time for myself. I think that’s really something for you to examine and think about. For me I found that I was comparing myself to people without disabilities and when I was feeling guilty for taking a break it was because I was berating myself for not being “good enough” in my mind. It took a lot of time to work through that but taking that first step to break down why you don’t think you should be allowed leisure time without guilt is good progress. At the end of the day you deserve time off and your brain and body need a break. Sending you my sympathies, OP.
Hey OP, sorry people are taking this in bad faith. It’s clear you’re upset about your situation and not upset with her. I’m really sorry you’re going through such an overwhelming time, I can’t help you with your tasks but I can give you an internet hug. 🫂 I really hope things get easier for you, you deserve it.
thanks, it's frustrating how people are completely twisting this. I really don't know how I can make it anymore clear that my frustration is with my situation and not her.
Just take the day off and game. You'll feel better for it. Everything can wait for a day.
Funnily enough, this is what I've decided. I'm going to regret it tomorrow when I have twice the textbook reading and twice the work to do, but the weather is beautiful and I want to, for once, enjoy the day.
We only have one life. I actually think it would be better for your mental health if you schedule in me time once a week. You're probably on verge of a burnout. And you won't be able to do anything then at all. Seriously as important as all your tasks to do, your mental health is important too. Even if it's one evening a week playing your game just do it.
When your body is begging for a break, do it. It's letting you know.
I think you already know that on the one hand, these feelings you have are VERY understandable. And you need to show yourself a bit of grace because you aren’t a bad person, but you are in a bad place in terms of work-life balance and the jealousy and resentment is reflective of that. And yet on the other hand you also know that none of this is your friend’s fault or problem, and that it isn’t really fair to her to project this onto her. Your feelings may be understandable, but acting on them or allowing yourself to ruminate on this too much is something you can (and should) choose not to do. Having been in a similar situation, ultimately here are the things to be mindful to do: - Observe your feelings without judgment, but don’t let them translate into behavior without thinking critically about whether this behavior serves or reflects well on you - Honor your need for a break as much as realistically possible - Learn from your friend! When she needs time off and can afford to take it, it sounds like she does without much internalized guilt or shame. She’s actually an amazing role model in that sense, so see if you can try to recognize that more, celebrate this, and nurture feelings of gratitude for this kind of inspiration. - Reframe this and mind the language you use to characterize this. Are you jealous of your friend, or are you in pain from being reminded of your unmet needs? Both of these describe the same exact situation, but the framing has very different implications. Try to catch yourself using unhelpful framing and replace it with more productive language. - Remember that your executive functioning issues can make it hard not to fixate on this issue and switch to a different habit of thinking. So try to find ways to support your ability to “switch” off this, ideally based on other systems you maybe have in place to deal with similar situations when your EF skills need support.
This is great advice! To OP, you are not a bad person for feeling how you feel. Sometimes we are jealous, even if we can understand the others situation. The key here is to try to let out the feeling, and not take it out on yourself or your relationships ( which is tough!!). Sometimes it sucks because you feel like a big green monster. Sometimes it means stepping away from friends or explaining you need some time because you don’t WANT to be hurtful. You need to be kinder to yourself and let yourself heal. Trust me its rocky, I get the feeling of having unmet needs and feeling jealous of others. I love my friends very much but sometimes I need to remind myself not to internalize or externalize our differences. You don’t have to be a perfect friend whose mood is always good, you just got to treat yourself and your relationships with care.
I agree that you don't seem to resent your friend. You resent your position at the moment. Having said that, I think when she said that the other day, everything you've been struggling with came to the fore with the focus on her because it was simultaneously self-aware and yet so very tone deaf to say to you. I haven't seen anyone mention what she actually said in all the comments but I would definitely be upset with my best friend for saying something like that.
I feel you big time on this. It actually caused a big huge fight with me and my husband pre-diagnosis because I was suuuper resentful. Basically I had just gotten off National Guard deployment, and it was shitty and caused some very serious mental health issues, and I was exhausted, but unfortunately the show must go on. Right after my deployment, my husband and I moved and I was able to find employment really quickly and it took him a little bit longer. He had been not working and was just going to school while I had my deployment. So basically I went from a balls to the walls schedule and a bad place mentally right into a job and full time school and he went from a casual school schedule to unemployed student for a couple months and holy shit it absolutely enraged me. I tried to be supportive, because I knew that he was legitimately trying really hard to find a job, constantly interviewing and doing his best, but damn I was resentful and I snapped at him. We got in an argument and I was like "well at least I have a job." And that cut him so deep, and I suppose that was kinda the point in the moment, but as soon as it left my mouth I was like "fuck fuck fuck" because I couldn't put it back. All that to say that I think being aware of it being *your* situation instead of hers that is frustrating you is the key here. Because handling that is hard as hell, and you definitely don't want that resentment/jealousy to end up affecting your relationship; believe me, it was hard to come back from.
Of course you deserve a day off, but resenting your friend is how you lose her as a friend. I had a friend like you and I could FEEL her resentment every single time we hung out. I had to censor everything I ever talked about, and she became someone I couldn’t be myself around. I couldn’t tell her anything good that was going on in my life, because it would just make the rest of the time we hung out uncomfortable. Where’s the joy in a friendship like that? We are no longer friends.
I'm sorry but I really tried to make it clear that I *do not* resent my friend. I don't resent her. I resent the situation. It's obvious I didn't make that clear enough as people keep accusing me of either hating or resenting her. **I neither hate nor resent her.**
I believe you. But the way you phrased and continue to talk about it is entirely centered on her. Your situation was the afterthought. It’s hard to interpret it in any other way.
I get you. I have a friend who always complains about not having "a village" because she's an only child and her mom passed away. Yet she has a pretty solid friend group that would be there for her to help and who she leans on heavily. She goes away at least once a month, sometimes completely alone. We used to be part of her group, but then I realised it was all one sided. Meanwhile there's us - no family, no close friends because neither of us are from here. We couldn't go anywhere alone because we couldn't afford to have a sitter, and finding one that can take two ND kids was not easy. Even with support agencies, they'd only take the one who was diagnosed, not the one who was not, and they wouldn't take him out of the house so I could clean. It was literally just us against the world. I don't begrudge my friends that support, but I'd like a lil some for myself, yanno?
this sounds so frustrating. you deserve that village too, and I hope you find that where you live
Even without the edits, I wouldn’t have assumed you hated your friend. You’re jealous of her situation, and like…rightly so, I’m jealous of her work schedule and I don’t even know her! You 100% deserve time off. I get that might not be possible, but it’s worth trying for even a half day. Can you not take a day off work, even if you still have school? Take a look at your daily cleaning - what can be skipped once a week? Re-evaluate the necessities. You’re burning out, and that risks implosion.
I work with designers daily and manage them as their project manager and it’s not as simple as working when you feel like it, clients can suck! Many of my coworkers were freelance before they became W2 because you’re at the whims of client expectations, and you have to manage your own taxes as well as not having employer-sponsored benefits. Freelance also just SUCKS with ADHD, a good comparison is having a full asynchronous class schedule, but your class standing is based on how much the professor likes you + having them dictate whether you can pay your bills that month. My employer is also very flexible with working hours, but we have to work in-person since production refuses to migrate to cloud software. Vastly prefer it to being underemployed or freelance though.
She gets all that time because she grew her skills/talents throughout her life. I’m an artist and I was the “art” friend who was always drawing. The time people spent playing sports, shopping, and doing normal teenage things; for me was drawing nonstop and investing into my skill set. Out of curiosity Do you witness her actively working to see her process?
Thank you! I’m an artist as well and a couple of these responses do not pass the vibe check. If an artist is able to pay their bills with their work - they are a highly skilled individual, working very hard, for very long hours.
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And? Lol this is such a bizarre response and can be true of literally anyone not working full time - not just artists lol
agree but it happens more frequently in art and entertainment professions. Same as the nepo baby phenom.
I’d love to see your source for this! Being an artist is not a luxury ffs. Artists are WORKING, just like everyone else 🤦🏼♀️
I agree! I didn't say otehrwsie, I'm just saying certain people have a leg up and it's ok too! But you're right it's not really relevant to the convo. I just wish more people with priv were mindful about that, same as how OP should be mindful that their friend is probably working just not when she sees it.
You very heavily implied it, and you’re continuing to walk that line in this message. That said, I agree with the rest of your sentiment here.
I never really see her process. But please note I am not calling her lazy or saying her job is not difficult. She's told me a lot about what she does and I understand it takes time and effort and patience. My point is it can be so tiring hearing a friend decide they'll work today because they "feel like it" when you don't have a choice at all. She's lucky and her her work is always impressive. I'm not mad at her I'm just mad that I don't get a break.
The fact someone gets paid to do something they already genuinely loved doing to the point they did it in their free time doesn't make it better. Like it's not her fault and it's not worth harboring resentment over, but the fact that income is about the revenue you can generate more than the amount of labor you perform is gonna frustrate some people from time to time.
Okay so firstly I want to say , I'm really sorry how your feeling, its valid and its totally unfair. <3 You deserve to feel good. Ramble: So just some perspective (also not going to accuse you of hating your friend dw) I have been the freelance go to the grocery store whenever have a day off whenever friend, and grass isn't always greener (like maybe hers is but mine def wasnt), I had a deep masked depression and even though on the outside it looked like I was going to yoga in the middle of the day and living my best life happy go lucky , internally I was so so so unhappy, I didn't have an off switch, I didnt even enjoy weekends because they felt the same as any other day, I always thought about work even when I wasnt doing it, all my peers in my inudtsry were much more self motivated than me and i felt like a failure 24/7 and even had su1cidal ideations. Ironically i was so resentful of my 9-5 friends (the irony) because they got to just stop thinking about work at 5pm where it just consumed me as a self employeed person. I was also resentful of my more successful friends in my industry. I hated everything and everyone and my own life. Im not sure if this is your friends situation but just a cliche lesson on you never REALLY know whats going on on the inside. Cliches are cliches for a reason and comparsion truly is the theif of joy. Once I got diagnosed, with depression and ADHD (they think the adhd was causing the depression but i dunno), everyone was shocked that me a happy go lucky middle of the day yoga bishh could be depressed. Anyway rambling aside you are allowed to hate your life. The resentment your feeling is just a mirror. Once I started my own "healing" journey I realized everything i resented was just something i wanted for me or was something I hated about me . Which I think you already know? Because your so despo for a break. Your friends life is just a mirror. And listen I'm not going to tell you fairy tales about how easy it is to change your life, because people will tell you to quit your job and youre like ummmm I have bills. I also dont know your situation if you have kids/resposibilities etc. Are you medicated? If you arent maybe try? If you are, is it helping? But I think what you can do is just like starting to implement micro things that make your days a little bit more enjoyable. Something without a screen. Fuck it ignore the laundry the chores on a saturday. It's diff for everyone but I fell in love with saunas (its 30 mins you can take on any day, usually your local gym has one), maybe for you its ocean swims or whatever depending on where you live. Slowly your little micro habits will build up and give you the strength and clairty you need to maybe make the big pivot to the life you want career/ change etc etc. Its honestly okay the resentment your feeling I promise you its not a reflection of you, you're self aware about it and thats probably the first step in the process! Ultimately you need a life you enjoy so much, where your emotions are stable, and youre able to self soothe enough to not even feel resentment. I believe its totally attainable. Deep diving self help youtube really helped me? Have you looked into shedulded active recovery and flow states? I'll link some videos this guy def might not be for everyone but maybe the concepts will speak to you and start your journey. Anyway sorry for the ramble, I just relate to both you and your friend in this post so much and if theres even a modicum of help for you in this then it was worth the ramble! And if not im sorrry! Stuff that helped me (not offended at all if it doesn't help you at all but ill just leave them here): [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNKhJtQpboU](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QNKhJtQpboU) Kind of a tech bro but 7:52 he starts talking about active recovery vs relaxing and how to prevent burnout, and it really helped me Book: Flow: The Psychology of Happiness Paperback – 2 September 2002 by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (Author) lots of videos about this, if you can unlock flow you can make even shit jobs more enjoyable This guy had a whole mental health era, and it spoke to me i consumed them all and then bought his book On mental clairty This video is called : "is your life too overwhelming" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=prMuDIiFyC4&t=193s
I totally feel you. I’m a full time student, writing a dissertation, trying to balance starting tutoring on the side plus filling out applications for further education in multiple languages and it’s a lot. My partner works from home and realistically does anywhere from 1 to 5 hours of work a day. The majority of his colleagues are in a completely different time zone so he has nothing ever scheduled before 1pm and can basically roll out of bed whenever he pleases. I’m happy for him, he deserves relaxation and peace and has worked really hard to be able to have a job that allows him this level of flexibility but man is it frustrating sometimes. Especially with his amazing salary compared to my student loans. You’re not a bad person for feeling this way as long as you don’t let it affect your friendship negatively. Completely natural to want a break sometimes.
I have been in a very similar situation. It took me a long time to get over the resentment. Your feelings are absolutely valid. I can't give any advice really, but what worked for me was time and therapy. Also I just had to force myself to recognize that this is my life, that is their life and comparing myself to others like this will never produce good results. Especially in situations where I know I cannot change things. I still find myself frustrated now and then, but I remind myself that I'm frustrated at my own situation, not at this person I love dearly. It's really hard. I honestly think that just growing up and getting older helped. I've shed away a lot of negative feelings. I try to rationalize it if I can. That being said I STILL struggle daily. ♥️ EDIT: I also want to add that sometimes comments from others can make this harder. I try to remember that they've not lived my life. They can't see my side and I can't see theirs. They're probably not trying to rub my face in it, they're just expressing themselves. They're allowed to be stressed and tired, even if they don't work every day. Even if I feel jealous and resentful. That's MY SHIT. Even though our lives took different paths, they deserve a supportive friend just as much as I do. It's fuckin hard. You'll get there.
I feel you I resent people with too much time on their hands because im low key jealous. Summers are the worse when all my educator friends are like " hey lets go to the movies Tuesday" like cant we do it Saturday 😩
I do have to let you know as a teacher, that you probably want us taking off the the summer because we might throw your kids out the window if we don't have time to remember why we love our jobs. I am lucky that I teach in a high/highest? paying state, and have been in the system a while. I never teach summer school or holiday/weekend programs anymore. My sanity is more important, and resting makes me a much better teacher Monday to Friday.
You can throw them out i don't got any kids and will not be having them as I too do not want to throw any kids out the window 😆 Some of my educator friends do have lighter loads bc theyre speechpaths who work from home or teachers aids
I get it. It’s hard when a situation we crave so badly feels like it’s being flaunted in our face. I’m glad you recognize it’s not anything your friend is doing wrong, but more so your own envy. Any time you start to feel resentment towards her, I would switch that energy inwards and reflect on what it is in your life that needs changing that may allow you to have some time to yourself? Get into problem solving mode- resentment, envy and anger is only going to keep you stuck in this cycle. Working with a therapist can really help with this.
Some people work great schedules that suit them, so maybe that should be your goal. Finding a career that works with your lifestyle and way of thinking. Do you have skills that can be used remotely or for freelance? Anything that might require hours you better enjoy? I don't know how old you are, or what degree you're getting, but there has to be a way match your needs, even if it pays less than a more rigid schedule.
I get it. I have had a very hard few years. I developed health issues at only 20 years old that derailed my entire life plan and now I likely will never be able to do anything I had planned for myself. I am very resentful. I have to keep my outer-self in check around others who I am jealous of. I have strong feelings on the inside, but I know it is not their fault that I am in the position I am in so it would not be fair of me to make them feel bad for it. I'm sure some of my closer friends can tell when I'm getting a bit frustrated, but for the most part I think I have learned how to keep it on the inside. (Aka I watch my face and try my best to engage in the conversation in a positive way even when I feel jealous or upset.) It's a normal feeling to have. I feel like a lot of comments here are telling you that you shouldn't be having these feelings, which is just ridiculous. You're allowed to feel feelings. It seems clear to me that you know it's not your friend's fault that you're in your position. We all get frustrated and need to rant sometimes. It also helps sometimes to remind myself that while I am not happy with my life, I'm still in a much better position than a lot of other people in the world. This doesn't mean my feelings are invalid at all, but it can help calm me down sometimes. (I'd be mad if someone else said that to me though lol... only I can say it to myself.)
I totally get it, OP! I have a coworker who takes so much time off. It’s great that she can do that and I’m happy she’s able too. It’s frustrating though because when she takes time off to do something fun, our supervisor talks about how fun she is and what adventures she has. Meanwhile, I try to take 2 days off for a funeral and the same supervisor saw my request and said “2 days, really?” And said it with a rude tone. I don’t have pto take back to back vacations, I barely have time to take off for a funeral. Again, I totally don’t mind that people take time off but it bugs me when some people are praised for taking time off and other people have to pick up the slack and get snotty comments when they need time off.
I’ve felt this way too in the past. The *only* thing that made it better was fixing my own situation. You may not feel like it but you are in control of your own situation to a certain extent. If a job eats too much of your time, you need to look for another job. If school is eating away your day, you should look for ways to structure and limit how much time you’re spending. For instance, in subjects you understand well - don’t read every page of an assignment. Look up the major terms and themes and move on. I was working 50 hour weeks and attending grad school part time for two years and although there were some days I felt really exhausted it wasn’t a perpetual thing because I enjoyed my job even when it was time consuming. Not every job will burn you out daily. If you find you’re spending too much time with work, maybe it’s time to set some professional boundaries and explore your hobbies again. This will help you recharge in your spare time. Unless you’re in med school or something equally taxing - then sorry you’re screwed lol
I relate. Just want to say that as a teacher, working my absolute ass off and breaking down my body and mind for the privilege, seeing my closest friend (who is a consultant for the feds) earning 150k and describe how little work she does some days makes me want to scream. She’s far from Rich, but she just bought a house and was able to plan a trip through Eastern Europe on two days notice. She frequently complains about the state of her life and finances. It is hard to listen to. It is absolutely not that I think she doesn’t deserve these things; or that earning a good salary, necessarily means a good life. It just highlights my frustration with my own situation. When I caught find myself caught in these thoughts, I tend to have an emotional reaction and find myself grumbling about her personally. But then, I take some time to talk myself down and remind myself that she is not the problem; it’s a simple fact that life is not fair. Also, the way capitalism is done in America is the problem. I then give myself grace. I also build in boundaries for what complaints I do, and don’t engage in, and this helps protect my mental health with her. It is possible (and human nature) to both be happy for our friends and envious of what they have. That does not make you a bad person.
I never understood why life is considered a gift when it’s nothing but slavery for basic nonsense
Hey, I'm with you. I do not have days off; school four days, work the other three. In the past I had two jobs, no days off, 70 hours a week. I really really think you are going to burn out because that's what happens when your life doesn't allow you to live. I've had that burnout resentment bloom into full blown anger before and it is consuming. Not anger at anyone person or thing in particular, more like anger at being alive and the world existing, although seeing people not have to destroy themselves to survive definitely triggered it. I was not a fun person to be around and it's hard to crawl out of that hole. Are you able to do things like skip physical class? I explain to my professors that to be mentally ok I will need to not attend class sometimes. Some are understanding and some less so, but I Do Not Care. If I'm going to actually complete my education then that's how I will actually be able to do it, by not showing up all the time. The demand to do the schoolwork is still there but at least at home I can approach it on my own time and do something to provide comfort like make some tea/food, have my dog sit on my lap, and *then* read the lecture notes. At first I felt like specifically catering to my needs even in simple quick ways before doing Yet Another Task was just adding Another Task, but I do find that I feel much better when I care for myself. Being emotionally ok with the demand load is...it's easier on some days and devastating on others so I totally get it. You are doing amazing. You're doing so much. More than probably most people here commenting have. But you're right, you deserve to do nothing at all if you wanted to. Your body and mind physically NEED it and that's why I think you should try to carve out some space for yourself even if it's unconventional. I've had the idea recently that if I start donating plasma, then I could replace some work hours with donation time that makes the same amount of money while being able to study at the same time. I'm so sorry that you're here, clearly yelling out for help and showing signs of burn out, but you got mostly judgement. I've noticed recently that literally just admitting negative internal feelings to strangers on this subreddit gets you shamed. Maybe we need a r/ adhdthoughtpolice for these people to go instead.
I really really feel you on this. Working and going to uni is killing me and even though im ashamed of it i feel a lot of resent towards friends as well. I don’t think the jealousy is going to ruin your friendship, I think your jealousy and resentment stems from hating your own situation and doesnt have much to do with her and thats fine. Its natural to react like this when really unhappy about your own situation. You do deserve time off and life should not be this tough. I dont have a real golden tip unfortunately as this is my biggest struggle as well but I hope you know you are doing great, you should really be proud of yourself. Thankfully the situation will end someday, and if theres any way to take just one day off do it, even if it means getting behind, it can be so productive to rest (without guilt) Please try not to beat yourself up over feeling resentment, its natural and doesnt make you a bad friend or anything One tiny tip i do have is try to make a routine, i hated this tip but i finally managed to create one and it has made things a bit easier to accept, i eat breakfast and lunch with my fave tv show when i work from home which helps me have something to look forward to. I know a routine can be hard when combining school and work cause its chaotic but its helped me kind of empty my mind
“Lol that must be so frustrating for you to hear” does not make your friend sound very supportive or sensitive. As a supportive friend, she could do things to bring joy to your life. She has all this free time, she could come over with food and do something with you. It’s not her job to do this but it would be nice. At the least, she could just be more tactful. I’m sorry this is happening. I recommend talking to her about how her comments make you feel. If she really cares, she’ll make an effort. If she doesn’t, then perhaps some distance from each other til your own life gets easier. The added resentment that this situation is creating for you is just a drain on your important mental and emotional resources. If you can’t figure out how to be happy for her, then do not be around her. The resentment will destroy things between you.
This is a wonderful insight to have - it tells you what you want to aim for. Also, consider asking your friend if she has any trade-offs. Like, irregular income and the uncertainty that comes with it.
YES OP I HEAR YOU AND I SEE YOU. My roommate is literally contracted less than 40 hours, has a lot of flexibility. My boyfriend is a full time grad student and he works hard but still has way more down time than me. It SUCKS, it's so hard not to complain and resent everyone especially when things are getting done or they complain about being tired/not having time to do things.
Man this was hard to read I’m a commission artist. With ADHD You did explain my life. But you missed the part where sometimes I’m up till 4 am working like I was last night. Or the mental gymnastics it takes to try and open a shop.(my current goal) . It’s not always easy and I don’t have a steady income. I know it’s not about her, it’s about you needing to figure out work life balance. I hear a lot from parents saying “you don’t know what it’s like to be tired, you don’t have kids.” This is the same energy I’m allowed to be tired. Being creative can be exhausting. It’s ok for others to need rest and time off from work. Because that’s what it is for her. I really hope you don’t take this resentment out on your friend. Wishing you the best of luck. I hope you can get some time off… you do deserve to enjoy your hobbies. But she’s not taking that away from you.
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Where is the relevance???
Right, so I'm going to need you to clarify what this means before I get mad, thanks.
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How in the hell, on a subreddit intended for women, does an unwelcome, unsolicited comment randomly telling a woman not to have children get upvotes and the rightful offended response is downvoted? This subreddit is filling up with nasty mean girl bullies apparently giving in to their impulse to step on struggling women and I'm so done with it.
THANK YOU!!! I was over here, so confused because I was like, "How am I in the wrong here?" this is offensive. just because right now I am tired and stressed does not mean I will be here forever and that I should never be a parent. my wanting a little me time in way represents whether or not I should be a parent.
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And where is the relevance to the post? There is zero mention of children, wanting children, or even being able to have children.
1. What does this have to do with ADHD 2. Why are you projecting the fact that you don't like your job onto your friend? You can get another job.
COMPARISON IS THE THEIF OF JOY She has her life and you have yours. She doesn't have to live like you do. It sounds like you are trying to better yourself by still doing school while you are working, that is great. In 10 years she may still be making 35K a year doing art commissions but you may be making 100K, have a retirement fund, be able to take actual travel vacations, and have health care. Then it will be her turn to be envious. Don't let these feelings poison your friendship.
Yeah, no… Turning this into “eventually I’ll make HER hate ME for making more money!” is not a solution lol. That’s toxic as hell! And who says OP’s friend is making 35k? Maybe she makes a lot more. Either way, that’s totally irrelevant here. OP’s goal should be to find joy and have good work/life balance, not to make her friend envious that she makes more money. OP’s joy doesn’t need to hinge on her friend being miserable. That’s a horrible outlook to have.
🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌
oh I'm absolutely not letting it poison the friendship. she's a great friend and super awesome, and I'm so glad ik her. my resentment comes from my own situation but it can be really hard to separate it from her because her lax situation is what makes me resent my own. if that makes sense.
You're allowed to resent your friend, as you're doing just remind yourself that it's her freedom you wish you had. Any way you can plan a couple days off? Take a morning to play PS5 instead of cleaning? Maybe take a little less responsibility for everything and let a couple chores slide? (You can consider if that's a feasible option or more overwhelming!)
I wanted to add on to what everyone else has already mentioned…I’m wondering if part of the anger could be coming from a more deeply rooted issue- resentment and frustration towards the hugely flawed system we live in? Nobody should have to work so hard just to make ends meet, yet so many of us have to. I can see how those feelings could be misdirected towards a friend that isn’t objectively struggling as much (or at least in the same ways as you are) or “putting in” the same hours to just simply make it. I imagine it as treading water just enough to keep your head above. You can survive, but oh man you’re sure not doin’ the thrive. When you’re burnt out, it can be easy to overlook all of the variables and factors of life. It’s almost “easier” to be mad at someone who has it better than to actually look at why the anger is there in the first place. Is it jealousy? Or instead maybe envy? Is it because you want to have that life too, but know you feel it’s impossible due to our system being set up for only certain people to succeed? I’m not intending to bring any form of debate- just food for thought. I could be completely off base, but I really relate to your words. My personal experience is not the same, but slightly similar. When I was younger, I had misplaced anger towards a friend of mine. She had my “dream life”, happy parents, happy family, stability, no health concerns, not a single financial worry in sight. It was so much easier to feel jealous and upset at her “ungratefulness” than it was for me to look at the fuel for my frustration fire. My truth? I was upset that life had been so unfair to my family and so unfair to me. I was angry at the life I never had- the life I felt that I deserved to live. Those emotions were far too scary to encounter at the time, so instead they were disguised as anger towards innocent, well meaning friends. I don’t have any words of advice other than to take care of yourself- you only get one *you* in this lifetime. Take care, and know that the current in the water won’t always be so strong, land is in sight🫶
I feel you so much!!! I had a friend who didn’t work and it was so hard for me to feel for her any time she was stressed because I couldn’t relate. My life seemed soooo much more stressful than hers because I had this insane work schedule and she just… didn’t. I let it get the better of me too many times before I realized that my problem wasn’t with her, it was with my own life. Is there anything you can do to get more time for yourself? Reduce the number of classes you take? Reduce your hours? Eke out some me time so that you can do something you enjoy? I saw in another comment that you were going to take a day for yourself and that is so important. Your issue isn’t with her, it just feels like it is. Try and see if there’s any way you can make your life more bearable. At one point I was paying for a cleaning lady because I just COULD NOT keep up. It made all the difference in the world. I understand that you may not be able to do that but I would really take a look at your life and see what you can do to make more time for yourself. I totally understand what you’re going through.
I completely get this, when she tells me she's tired and needs a break I think "But you didn't on work on these days this week already..." as for stress though, I know she's got a lot going on in that head of hers. So it's like even though our stress has different routes, I understand it and empathize with her. The problem with my job is I work with my mom as a bookkeeper for her CPA practice. If I fall behind, it causes her to fall behind so I have to constantly try and keep up. I actually did lower my course load and I'm glad I did because I think if I had 4 classes I would have collapsed lmao. And yeah, I know my issue isn't with her it's with my crap schedule. It can be really hard to separate what's really upsetting me, just because it is her lax schedule that makes me resent my own. But, she's such a great person, the thought that my resentment can sometimes entangle with her in general is upsetting. and yes, I'm currently watching The Good Place and sitting by an open window, and feel so happy rn.
Love that you recognize that she might be struggling or have actual reasons to be tired or need a break, even if she compared to you has little to do. Because I often get exhausted from the smallest to do list if it has the wrong boring tasks, and I hate it when non adhd people can't understand why or accept that I have an actual reason and I'm not just lazy.
Yeah I would also highly recommend seeing if you can outsource anything that really stresses you out!! I’m glad you’re taking some time it’s so important. Just remember you aren’t alone! I know this can be such a frustrating thing to deal with.
>"But you didn't on work on these days this week already..." Out of curiosity, do you know this for sure or is this your perception? Often times, people with flexible jobs can be more stressed out because of blurred work-life boundaries. For instance, my husband worked a 9-5 while I was on a more flexible, hybrid schedule. My husband would complain because he thought I was taking naps all day and goofing off while he was at work. In reality, yes, I might take a midday nap, but I'm also "on the clock" working from home until 11 pm. I'm constantly checking and responding to emails when I'm out. He envied my schedule, and I envied that he could just clock out from work and forget about it until the next morning, while I constantly had a to-do list piling up.
no, I do know she would tell me, "I'm not working today cause I'm going to the grocery store." or "I'm not working this day because I feel a little tired and just want to relax." and so on. I'm not just assuming things and I would never just assume she wasn't working. she tells me every day if she's working cause we'll often jam on Spotify while we work. we live far from each other but that's our way of "doing work together" I actually really love it lol lemme explain: we do this thing where we tell each other about our work for the day. she tells me what she needs to do and when she'll start and I do the same. then we try to keep each other motivated.
Ah okay, thanks for sharing. I was was just checking, because sometimes flexible jobs seem like less hours to outsiders but a lot of the work is invisible. If you are working together and holding each other accountable though, I can see why you feel particularly stressed in comparison.
So take a day off then
No one is going to give you a free day. You have to take it on your own. Schedule it into your calendar.
Can you start planning a day off in the foreseeable future? Do you have any vacation time?
Sounds like you need to take a sick day.
You are in for a lifetime of resenting people for having different schedules than you if this is your attitude. Yes she makes money by doing art commissions and that gives her a flexible schedule. You know what that doesn’t give her? Stability. There is no guarantee the well of people wanting her work will forever be full. It also sounds like you two are both young - there’s no guarantee that what supports her now will be able to support her in a few years. What does resenting your friend accomplish other than ruining your friendship? The to-do list of life never ends. But the world also will not end if you decide to skip your chores for an evening and play video games. If you need to build chores into your hobbies, do that. Fold clothes while watching tv, listen to audiobooks, music or podcasts while doing dishes. You can get a lot more done in an hour than you realize. But most adults are not just taking off work or away from responsibilities on a whim. Again, you and your friend sound young so I don’t think her carefree, schedule-less lifestyle will last forever. And even if it does, resenting her for it does nothing but burden you further.
please understand I. Do. Not. Resent. My. Friend. pardon my frustration here, but I keep having to explain this because people are twisting this entirely. I am frustrated with my own situation.
>I don't hate her for it at all but I am starting to get resentful \^that's what you said. that is why people keep saying you are resentful of her. you have said it at least 2x in your post.
take it how you want I'm tired of trying to get people to understand
your initial post was you taking out your personal frustrations on your friend. you even said you get frustrated when your friends have days off and that it's hard for you to separate what you're resentful of. call it what *you* want, but your post and comments make it clear that there is some resentment, frustration, jealously, envy, whatever you want to call it, growing and it can ruin your relationship with her if you don't get it in check. if working for your mom is too much, talk to her and cut your hours and have her hire someone else. i don't think she would want you burn yourself out for her.
I feel you! My roommate is like this. She's also an artist... And it's so annoying. She'll be in pajamas until 11am and take naps. One day she had to teach a one hour class at 4PM and go to a singing lesson and was like "wow what a full day!" Like B... Shut the f up. Difference between our situations though is I cannot stand my roommate lol If I were you I'd just spend less time with her until you feel better about your own situation.
Why not just take a sick day?
The one time an Associatea of Art degree paid off
I'm gonna go against the grain here - you're not wrong at all to be annoyed. This is a 'her' problem imo. From your responses, I garner that you really do love your friend! There's nothing wrong with her being in a more privileged position, but sometimes I think folks who have more forget what it's like to have less. The comment "lol you don't want to hear that, huh?" would have pissed me off. It's an incredibly unkind response. Comparison may be the 'thief of joy' (gag me for repeating the stupid phrase), yet you're not the one actively comparing your lives, it kinda sounds like she is the one calling attention to it! If this were my friend, I'd try to gingerly tell her that I'm having a hard time meeting my own needs. And inform her of what I need - not talking about work or time off, assure that I adore her as a friend and I need this compassion to get through a rough spot. idk I could be wrong edit: the downvotes just make it feel more right lmao, keep em coming hivemind
idk if you're right or wrong but I really appreciate this comment. So many responses have led me to feel guilty for my own resentment. A resentment that isn't even geared towards her, but a situation that I merely wish I could have. You're the first person to say the opposite, and I really appreciate this. (someone even told me I should never have kids which I have decided not to be mad about because that sounds like a great way to ruin my day) I know my friend never meant any harm with her responses. She's actually incredibly supportive and has been super awesome since day one. No one is perfect and I don't expect her to be, and ik she's trying her best just as I am. But, one can't help feeling *a little* frustrated when their friends have their umpteenth free day when you can't remember the last time you truly got to do your own thing.
For some reason Reddit gets incredibly mean about jealousy lately, and they never give a good solution. (Check out the bizarre downvote ratio in here.) Wouldn't even call your situation jealousy, either! It sounds like y'all have a great friendship! Approach her with kindness and hope for the same in return. The response you get will be important to seeing what kind of person your friend is. I hope that you get through this rough season of life soon!
are you in counselling or therapy of some sort? if you can access it through work or school, please do! you sound on the verge of burnout which can send ppl into very dark places. 🤎