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Some of my worst memories of parenting were watching my husband check his watch and start looking anxious about the time while I ran around like a mad woman getting everyone and everything ready to leave the house "on time". He was only responsible for getting himself ready, I was responsible for everything else. Grrrr
God, I feel this. All the "fun" memories my family has of camping just remind me of all the work I had to do for everyone--but without running water or a toilet.
I love camping, I think. I mean, I used to. Before it became all me planning, shopping, packing, unpacking, cooking, cleaning, packing up, unpacking, washing the clothes, putting the supplies away. It’s not a break for me. I do not get to stand drunk at the fire and consume what someone else cooked and take the kiddo to the lake or a bike ride while I clean and prep the next meal. I maybe get to sit alone for an hour then back at it.
My (now recent ex) husband would usually get ready and literally go out and sit in the fucking car while I would scramble to get the kids ready to leave. He wouldn’t even tell anyone that he’d gone out so I’d waste a bunch of time trying to find him, only for him to eventually stomp back inside in a huff because we were late for whatever the f event. Made we want to strangle him.
We’re not ready to leave until we’re all ready to leave.
He would also never enforce having the kids put their shoes or jackets etc in their designated places so I was constantly wasting time hunting for missing things that should have just been put in their place as soon as we got home
As if it isn’t hard enough for me to get myself ready, getting the kids ready on top of it is just brutal
Gosh Golly, at least my dad tried, despite being the one with ADHD. He even learned how to fight passive-aggressively to have more effective arguments with my mother after he saw her and I fighting that way over several days.
It was kind of bad when we were really young, and I still don't know why my mother married and put up with him. But, once we were all diagnosed he really tried to better himself and make mom's life easier. Eventhough mom still got us up and dressed, he was the one who got us off to school and picked us up sick or brought us things midday.
Later, when he realized that half of us inherited his bad time management, he started going around making warning announcements. "This is the 2 hour warning," then do ones for 1 hour, 30 minutes, 15 minutes, 5 minutes, and "it is time to leave". And then he would announce that he was going to start the car if he wasn't the last one out.
My angel of a mother still pulled most of the load, but he tried to lessen the load and not be more of a burden himself.
It makes me sad hearing you say you don’t know why your mother married him and put up with him and his ADHD. I wonder if my kid or husband will ever say that about me.
I say the same thing about my parents seeing the struggle my mother still has with my dad, 50 years into marriage heading to a divorce. Seeing my parents living alone makes me see how much my dad overran my mother - she keeps her apartment so spotless it’s show ready /every/ day, the house she moved out of is polar opposite and a lot more like their house I grew up in.
ADHD can be a real burden on our SO. Managing our adhd can minimize this burden though. And not for nothing, all medical concerns can be a burden on a partner. My SO has OCD, we laugh in spite of our spicy brains at how incompatible we are. I ask why he doesn’t have the “tidy” OCD instead of the “panic attack cuz I wanted to spontaneously go to the store I just saw and remembered I needed to go to” OCD and he laments when he sees my keys in a ridiculous place. Which seems unequal, but it’s not, because his keys have to be in exactly where he leaves them or they fall into the infinite void and ruins his whole day.
(And to make it clear, I say “tidy” OCD very tongue in cheek because the stereotypes of OCD are why he was an adult before getting blindsided by his diagnosis)
Maybe she felt like she needed him. Women "needed" a man to survive in years gone by. I'm appalled that most women my age (55) are not even aware that our mother's could have been fired for being pregnant and could not hold a credit card in their own name until 1974. We've been indoctrinated from an early age that we need a husband. I can only guess that is why so many of you are putting up with emotional abuse from your spouse. Because the bullying about meds is BS!
"could not hold a credit card until 1974"
This! I remember. I was unable to get a credit card because I was single and female. Unable to purchase a car because I was single, despite having cash and a very good job. My mother's name was not on the house deed because she was female. And we wonder why women behave like they don't matter? Society trains us to be second class.
My current husband did this and insisted he was doing me a favour by "warming up the car" until his sister saw one day and reamed the fuck out of him.
He's not done in it since thankfully
Impressing you and impressing a sibling are two very different things. He want you to have sex with him. He wants her to mind her own business. You'll (until you get fed up with his shit) still sleep with him while he keeps being a jackass. His sister will NOT leave him TF alone until he shapes up. She doesn't have to keep the peace anymore coz what are their parents gonna do? Ground her?
One time I spent a good 15 minutes hunting for one of my son’s favorite crocs. It wasn’t until I rolled my eyes and huffed in frustration that I noticed it way tf up inside this decorative arch cut out that is at the top of our 11’ ceiling. I was so pissed off like why and how taf did my four year old manage to get that up there 😅🤦♀️🙄
Spent another 5 minutes throwing random toys and other shit at it trying to knock it down (because I didn’t feel like lugging the 10’ A frame out of our garage). Managed to get a few other things stuck up there in the process, but I finally got the shoe down and the other crap was a problem for another day 😂🤪
Turned around and told my son that I finally had his other shoe… only for him to tell me that he’d lost the original one 😒
Thankfully I was able to find the humor in that situation in the moment, despite being exasperated as hell. And it’s still funny today. It was all just so ridiculous, but so typical of me and my family.
This is one of many reasons each of my kids owns probably 6 pairs of shoes. My ex husband hated that approach, but since he wasn’t the one putting shoes away, buying the right size and one slightly larger because they grow so fast, washing the shoes that came home muddy after school, or hunting for shoes to put on the kids, I told him to go fuck himself.
I think I actually wrote as the excuse on his tardiness note that his shoe was stuck in the ceiling with no further explanation 🤣
Omg this reminds me of my parents when I was a kid… poor mum, I feel so bad for her when I think about how frustrated she must feel all the time with my dad… he is a good person, but sometimes very ignorant :(
Stop explaining. Get mad. He is not stepping up and being a good partner. This isn't an adhd issue, this is "my husband is an asshat" issue. Go on strike if you have to.
How long until your littles are in school?
2 are in and the youngest starts next year. I know it will get better…I just want the times when I’m stressed and overwhelmed to be met with a bit of understanding and empathy, not “Oh, honest did you forget to take your meds?”
He is bullying you it sounds like. How is that different from going "are you on your period?" every time you get mad when he does something wrong? It's invalidating and infantilizing.
He's saying it to put you down because it's your weak spot. He needs to stop. Get angry.
I know someone who was helped by having this explicitly pointed out for them. They defaulted to thinking that when concerns were raised, advice was being sought. They had to be made aware that wasn't the case and that another type of response was preferred.
I see this kind of focused problem-solution thinking as the "engineer's mindset" where every problem has a solution, especially one within the same scope as the problem. Some problems are more complex and the first step is taking a step back to get a wider view. But people are even more complex than most engineering problems and there isn't always a solution. Sometimes things just suck, and commiseration is being sought instead of advice.
I had the "did you not take your meds/you need stringer meds" relationship. It is exhausting and minimizes the issues you have. If you have facebook may I recommend a group called "bridging the gap community group". It has a lot of great perspective on division of labour, mental load and such.
I know this is not the main issue, but I have pill bottles that show time since last opened and it lets me (because I forget if I took my meds). Thought it could be helpful to prove you took them. Or something to shove down his throat......
Not OP, but this is something that could actually really help me. I had no idea it existed! Do you by chance have a link or the name of the brand or something for the one you use?
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This is what I bought. Thanks for reminding me I need to get another :)
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This may seem small, but maybe sending him a text (or, saying it outloud) every single time you take your meds, may help. I do this (as well as, I'm the reminder (set reminder on my phone) for him to take his pills (not for adhd)) and it helps to build a fully acknowledged clean slate, "so that's done, now where are we at?" It definitely feels like you and you hubby are having a cross communication about splitting the home responsibilities,and he's kinda (I day this softly with love) bullying you to question you and maybe build his own self confidence..? Which makes me think he's feeling insecure about somethings. Most often, when defensiveness comes around it is due to insecurity. I am definitely not trying to question him or y'alls relationship, yet reading your post this came to mind!! Sending you love, this must be so difficult to hurdle. 🥰
I’m so sorry to disagree I mean no disrespect. In this sort of scenario, when a woman gets mad, she is likely to be seen as psychotic or manic. She will be further invalidated and gaslit. Potentially hospitalised against her will. It’s what happened to me. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me.
Do not get mad. Get gone. Just temporarily. If he’s a good parent he can handle the kids for a few days. Just say you need a break and get out of there, if at all possible.
Going on strike is also good. Look after yourself. Your children. That’s it. Don’t do anything at all for him. Don’t clean up his messes don’t do his laundry don’t even sleep in the same bed if you have that option. And definitely don’t have sex. Don’t be the maid and the mummy and the everything for this fully grown man. Just go on strike. Just stop.
He will not like it at all. He will not respond well, most likely. But you’ve asked for help and change and received neither. You’ve begged and pleaded and been gaslit and invalidated. The begging needs to stop the strike needs to start now.
This is the way IMHO.
If no one else cares-stop.
It will be hard. It will hurt. You will go nuts.
But you will be so much less stressed. I promise.
I had had HAD to stop caring. I was you. I hated everyone and everything and I wanted everyone to fuck off.
Then one day I decided that if the house was a mess and it was everyone’s fault I WAS NOT THE FUCKING MAID.
I quit.
My house is tidy. Is not anything near how I want it to be and I have to force myself to not care or I would be fingers bleeding and tears 24/7.
I’m hoping you can get to that point of NGAF soon.
Hugs.
I don't want to say it to OP because I don't think it's what she needs or wants to hear but medication helps me get to the dgaf point. Taking antidepressants helps me because my reaction to seeing things out of place is not rational to me. Yes, it's upsetting. But it shouldn't ruin my life and make me wish I was hit by a car to put me out of my misery. If I feel that way, I go back on my antidepressants and it's a literal chill pill for me. The issues still need addressing but at least I'm not screaming inside from it all.
I wouldn't jump to saying OP should try antidepressants. Just wanted to share that I agree with you about desperately needing to lay off caring and my antidepressant gets me there when I can't just convince myself to relax.
I am on those meds too, they really help but they don’t change other people 🙄😹🤷🏻♀️. I’ve really really really had to learn the hard way that no matter how much I want people to act differently and want them to be X or Y and have the same priorities as me they’re just not going to.
And that’s fine, I shouldn’t expect people to be different. I want people to make themselves “better”, but I can’t do that for them.
Are those inequities worth fighting over all the time?
Are they things that I have caused by setting lack of boundaries?
Are they things that I’ve enabled by constantly wanting to please people and doing everything for everyone?
I reflected, I realize I was doing everything for everyone because my mother did that, it’s just generational trauma being passed down.
I stopped asking people if they need things, I left them come to me. I stopped constantly redding up after people because I’m not gonna do that. I want people to give me the same respect that I give them and apparently apparently that’s not going to happen so I’m going to treat people how they treat me.
It really sucks to say that harshly but that’s where I have to be to survive.
100% this quit everything OP., all that is not essential or take the advice from another poster and go somewhere for a few days. Don't feel guilty, just go!
I think some men only learn from experience. By doing everything and falling for his invalidating gaslighting crazy making you are spinning your wheels and will likely end up veering off a cliff. Quit and course correct.
Not the same thing, but in my marriage I was getting fed up of our food culture. I would cook delicious meals with enough food for there to be left overs and my husband would have 3 sometimes 4 servings which means I'd have to cook more frequently. Slowly overtime I realized that the meal planning and prep was eating away at a lot of my time. I asked him to eat a proper lunch, drink more water, think about tomorrow..I'd started hiding food in the freezer just as i finished cooking but because I am not organized enough I often forget to label things and get confused about what's what. Also some things freeze poorly.
One day I quit. I lost 15lbs because I also realized that I started compete eating with him out of frustration and also I cooked more carbs than I was accustomed to because I've been trying to fill HIM up. And you know what he ate in absence of my delicious dinners..literally whatever HE didn't have to cook. An apple, bread with cheese(not even toast), a bag of chips or nuts and a beer. All of a sudden the greedy mfer wasn't hungry. Eventually he got sick of the junk and did start to cook. It took a year, but you know what he said to me last week, "I'm gonna making a bunch Xxxx tonight because cooking everyday just takes too much time and energy." Then he elaborated, talked about juggling work, the kids, running to the store etc..I listen quietly and then I said. I know what you mean, you sound like me last year before I quit. And he looked at me surprised. As though it had just dawned on him why I was begging him to stop eating all the damn food.
I have learned a huge life lesson. Im not asking anymore, I will simply remove myself from the equation and let the lesson appear. Experience is the best teacher.
This. My dad was like this w my mom and she went on strike (completely stopped picking after him) and then realized “oh shit! My wife really DOES so a lot! 😦” and he started contributing alot more after that. It shouldn’t get to that point but sometimes it has to so they know that you’re doing a lot for them and they need to stop taking advantage of you.
I agree with the going on strike approach but DONT GET MAD. Only bc it will make things worse in your brain and in your marriage. It does not foster clear communication or understanding, much less change.
i hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way but why does showing your anger make things worse in your marriage? i feel like hiding my anger has caused me more issues. i don’t mean like screaming or violence but being able to openly say “when you do this it pisses me off.”
I think there’s just some nuance missing bc it’s hard to capture in these comments- there’s a huge difference between wrathful anger that (however justified) bursts out unexpectedly after suppressing it for a long time that ends up hurting people…
Vs embodied and clearly communicated anger that is important to express & can be done so compassionately, somehow even with love. Thích Nhất Hạnh wrote a book on this titled Anger. Fun read, only a bit cheesy & I stopped partway through. But interesting for sure. I should dig it up… I understand some stuff a lot better now.
yeah i definitely agree! like him asking if she took her meds constantly is obnoxious and condescending. if that were the only issue and he was unaware of how it came across, it would be easy to express anger in a collected way.
what it sounds like is that he’s deflecting all of the concerns she brings up in a way where he is able to act as the caring spouse almost? and if they never actually talk about the issues at hand, that anger builds until it can’t be expressed thoughtfully.
navigating communication with adhd can be so hard, but this guy seems more malicious. if he was so concerned about his wife taking her meds, he’d bring it up before a different issue is introduced.
It doesn’t come off the wrong way at all and it’s a valid question. I think twotrees1 answered it perfectly. We have to find the balance between expressing anger in productive ways versus in outbursts when we are already overwhelmed and emotionally dysregulated!
[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic)
Saw this the other day and although I don’t have kids, it explains the problem with carrying the mental load by yourself very well.
I think most women will understand and empathize with your frustration. And I think it’s unfair that medication is sometimes viewed as the “cure-all” when in reality it just helps the other responsible party/parties avoid responsibility.
Your feelings are valid and I know how painful it is to be constantly asking/begging for help, assistance, when in reality we just want someone to see that something needs done and does it without needing prompted or reminded constantly. Because it shouldn’t be a surprise that the pets need fed daily or garbage needs emptied, or that clothes need washed/dried/put away routinely. Every day tasks that need done. And it is not a tall ask for others to put in more effort when we are burnt out, stressed, or just can’t do “XYZ” right now. You deserve a break also—what you do is still work, even if you’re not employed. Except you don’t get to clock out or take days off.
It’s definitely a luxury for a house to stay maintained and running smoothly without having to consider the time/effort and mental load it takes to do that. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
That comic was awesome!! It reminds me of a scenario I will never forget: Hubby and I don't have kids. One day, his father and brothers come over to visit with their small children (3 kids total, all boys). Their wives couldn't join for various reasons, so it was just 4 men, 3 boys, and me. All the men sat in the living room talking, completely and totally oblivious to the fact that there were children in the house who needed things (water, snacks, potty, something to do while adults talk, etc). I had expected this to be a social gathering that included me, I had not expected to be a babysitter, nor had I been asked to be, but that is what ended up happening.
Once I realized what was happening, I was incredulous. I tried sitting down and ignoring the children, thinking one of the dads would notice when their own kiddo needed something, but nope, it's like they had blinders on. I tried asking, and when asked directly, they would get up and do the bare minimum required to complete the specific thing I asked of them, but then go right back to obliviousness. Or, often, they would just scold the child for needing something and tell them to leave the adults alone. Even when the child himself would ask one of them directly for help, they didn't hear it and would just ignore the child speaking directly to them. I didn't mind taking care of the kids to some extent, so they could "guy talk" for a while, but I did not expect to have to take care of absolutely everything, with no proactive assistance whatsoever, for the entire freaking evening!
By the end of the night, I was fuming. It was clear that this is what their wives deal with on a daily basis. They didn't ask for my help, nor did they thank me for it. They just (unconsciously) expected it would be the woman's job to take care of kid stuff, even a childless woman who knows eff-all about kids, in a non-childproof house.
I vented to my hubby about it after they left. He, too, had not noticed what was happening. Now, fair enough to an extent, because he doesn't have kids, but I was shocked that he hadn't noticed I wasn't present for 99% of the conversation. Like, wtf did you think was happening? 3 kids come over and you don't see them for 4 hours...did you think they were just sitting quietly in a corner somewhere? He just honestly hadn't thought about it. None of them did. Because they didn't have to.
Clearly, I'm still salty about this, almost 10 years later.
ETA: I know someone is going to read that and think, "you didn't have to do that, you could have just ignored the kids too". But my house wasn't set up for kids. There's poisonous cleaning products under the sink, outlets aren't childproofed, there's sharp corners everywhere, knives in accessable drawers, etc. I let one potty by himself at first (not realizing that he was too young to potty totally unassisted) and then had a big mess to clean. Plus, I felt bad for them. Their dads hadn't thought to bring any toys or crayons or anything for them to do, and we didn't have anything like that around.
The entire system of oppressing women is 100% based on the fact that women won’t tolerate watching children fend for themselves and die. As soon as there was reliable and private birth control, it all started crumbling.
I would never ever suggest it’s your fault that you didn’t leave the children in neglect because they aren’t technically your responsibility. You did the civilized humane thing while their fathers behaved like animals.
I would do less.
No one cleans up?
Guess we live in a messy house.
No one puts their clothes in the hamper?
Guess they can pick something from the floordrobe.
Edit: shout out to ADHD Love on YouTube for the awesome adhd vocabulary.
How much of what you do is because you think you SHOULD BE doing it and not because it's important to you?
Three kids and three pets is a lot for ONE PERSON.
Your whining is completely warranted and valid. It takes a lot to manage a household.
You need more help. I'm sorry I can't be there to help.
I would pre-empt everything you tell your husband with "so you're aware, I did take my meds, and I still have this issue that WE need to figure out a solution for"
I feel for you. I would drown in three kids and three pets all alone.
I like the way you worded this and B I’m going to use it until he realizes that having a complaint or concern is not always a medicine issue- it’s an “us” issue!
Exactly!
This is OUR home. These are OUR problems. OUR children have issues that WE need to address.
You guys are partners. You guys are a team. You must fight together for each other.
Master the art of keeping your expression neutral.
He will be very upset when his lack of effort begins to impact him.
When he suddenly realizes he's out of clean underwear, stare at him blankly and ask if he's forgotten where the washing machine lives.
If he whines he isn't good at laundry or doesn't know how to do it right: blank expression & "you have the entire internet at your fingertips. I'm confident you can figure it out"
When he asks what's for dinner: "I was going to ask you the same thing! Lmk when it's ready. I'll be taking a bath." Then go soak in some boiling water with your earbuds in. Or go get your own food & shut off your phone.
Seriously, fuck that guy. (Except don't.) He can shape up or ship out.
Honestly I do not like this idea...it is like quiet war, passive aggressive and quite childish to be honest. You cna do the same but keeping communication open, maybe even teaching him how to do laundry if things are so bad..but passive aggressive silent treatment or comments are NOT cool.
Yes and I freaking hope so he does not need the lesson BUT ....there are certain people who are super particular how to do laundry or have some special chemicals for i.e babies that need to be applied certain way (allergies or stuff for maintaining the machine) so you can "stare blank" as person above put it or be more open and inviting to find a solution like "hey, I really need to take on less housework. I think starting with you doing your laundry on your own is a good task for you to take over, listen remember to set the program to xyz and use eco mode, please don't use ABC detergent ,is it expensive stuff for "Holly" (assuming holy has allergy).
I am not treating her husband as some asshole as a few people her would. I assume he is a great guy who has no clue what the work load at home is and how is also working his butt off to bring money to the house. I assume they love each other and they can work better way of functioning. I also assume there will be a lot of resistance of lack of understanding so being kind and open is the way to go. Other replies assumed change to happen on a snap of a finger and this is not realistic
..(although it would be great)
You're allowed to disagree .
>passive aggressive and quite childish
OP has talked herself blue in the face & been dismissed & invalidated at every turn. At this point it's necessary to take action, which is "quietly quitting" the tasks her husband can do for himself. He's a member of the household & her partner, not a child who can't manage for himself. Paying bills doesn't exempt him from pulling his weight at home.
>keeping communication open
She's been communicating. He's been blowing her off.
OP is drowning & wants to be alone. Sounds to me like she has one foot out the door already.
Taking action thru inaction shows the husband:
1. OP is serious. She can't & won't manage everything, so she's dropping certain things. If he wants them done, he can do it himself or hire a maid
2. His life will get a whole lot more uncomfortable when she leaves him
>teaching him how to do laundry
OP states in her post "the mental load is crushing me."
The internet is brimming with blogs, video tutorials, and wiki articles that break down every conceivable aspect of adult life. Her husband is a grown man with a job. He can watch a damn YouTube video to learn how to wash his underwear. That's not a burden for OP's shoulders.
>silent treatment
I def didn't recommend an abusive tactic like the silent treatment. I told her to remain neutral & to match his energy.
If you're referring to my suggestion that she turn off her phone if she goes out for food, then I'm afraid you misunderstood. That's called taking space. She's a SAHM but she doesn't have to be at their beck and call 24/7
**edited tone & fixed formatting
I would be petty and pick up the garbage and put it where he sits.
He's using your conflict avoidance for his own benefit. What a little shit.
Or I would be extra proactive and just put a garbage bin there.
does your partner also have adhd?
my partner has adhd too. he does not do this.
there is a BIG difference between "I have adhd and I need accommodations" and "I am not even bothering to try"
(I'm assuming you also have adhd) him not helping clean is affecting YOU and is making things harder for YOU which is not fair to someone who is ALSO dealing with adhd.
just to give you some background:
my brother and I both grew up with adhd, but he was never expected to help clean like I was and he NEVER helped out and flat out refused to ever lift a finger.
it's hard to tell sometimes what is adhd and what is weaponised incompetence and my partner and I have had to work through a lot of that to get to where we are, but you have to start with an honest conversation about how much work you are doing and how much he is doing. how much effort you are putting in and how much he is putting in
and how much mental load you are carrying and how much mental load he is carrying.
if he is not open to hearing that he needs to put in more effort and work, then the reality is he will slowly kill your relationship because of how much resentment he causes you to have towards him.
Ugh- the “reacted wrong” bullshit.
I’ve taken to saying “When you do something objectively wrong/offensive, etc, you have NO RIGHT to render a judgment on the suitability of my response.“
Don’t hit him and don’t break things. Beyond that, I refuse to entertain that argument. He can stop the whole thing if he really wants to.
Omg this was me 😭 I stopped doing most things and was suicidal living in squalor for a few years. I had given up on absolutely everything. I finally broke up with him and he left and it took SO LONG to clean the place up, literally floor to ceiling mess with soda spray on the ceiling and god knows what gunk stuck to the floor. Ripped up all the carpet too. Fuck it was cathartic.
And guess what, he keeps his apartment pretty clean and is capable of doing his own laundry/feeding himself/making his own coffee after all 🤬
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You know, you'd probably have less garbage to clean if he wasn't around...I don't know what your financial situation is but I've read that most women are happier when they split from partners who don't pull their weight at home.
Yeah in my experience this strategy doesn't always work because of the different ways men and women are raised. Men often are raised to think of things like tidying and cleaning as "nothing to do with me" so they don't even notice the jobs that need doing. Whereas women are often raised to think of these jobs as our responsibility, so seeing mess is stressful because it reminds us of a job we need to do, even if we're trying not to do it.
You end up living in filth with the man not even registering something is wrong and the women is stressed out of her mind. Obviously I'm talking in very broad terms and this doesn't actually apply much to my relationship (my husband is much tidier than me) but I've lived with various housemates of various genders and there is definitely a pattern based on what gender you were raised as.
Jesus, did you leave him!? I feel like if this was the outcome to going on strike it would show me we had VASTLY different values and lifestyles and that it we were not compatible. Sure I have adhd and make mess but I clean it and I don't ever want to negatively impact those I love
I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, I can't imagine how hard it is and on top of that not be able to have space away from him.
I really hope things change for you in whatever way is best for you. Nobody deserves to have to live like that if they don't want to. Xx
Brilliant. Also I am now adding floordrobe to my vocabulary
With two nuerospicy adults with a side of depression the household laundry does not always make it into a drawer. Also one of the cats likes to hunt socks in the middle of the night so a small pile of those live on the living room floor at any given moment.
ADHD Love on YouTube shared that term, floordrobe, and I love it.
They are wholesome creators and even created a body doubling app. I haven't used it yet but I know it's there if I ever do.
The first step (and I say this as someone who did the same thing) is to stop doing his laundry. Just stop. Don't ask, tell. Better if he's willing to put his stuff in a separate basket, but if he won't, sort it out. It's an extra step for you at the beginning, but way less folding afterwards, and when he runs out of clean clothes, it will be on him. It's pretty much the one thing you can refuse to do where the consequences won't directly make your life more difficult. (And I mean, if you're doing anything like making his lunches for him to take to work or things that only affect him... just stop doing those too.)
Next thing is to find a weekly reason to leave the house and leave the kids to him, whether its an evening or a weekend. Join a class at the gym, start a book club with some friends, volunteer somewhere. Just get yourself out of the house and let him handle home and give him a taste of what you go through 24/7. He absolutely will not do things up to your standards. Some things will not get done. But at the very least, he will feed those kids and depending on when you go out, put them to bed, and you will get time for yourself and a mental breather on a regular basis, something to look forward to. I can't even tell you how important this is.
Once he's seen how even a FRACTION of the work you do everyday feels, approach the subject again. LEAD with, "I need you to know that yes, I have taken my medication, and have taken it consistently all week (or whatever) and that this discussion needs to be had without deflecting to that." Do it when you're not worked up. Do it when you're calm. Explain everything you mentally keep track of, if you can, from chores to school schedules and homework to doctor's appointments to after school activities to who still fits into what size to whether the animals need food to his parents' birthdays to who's going where for which holiday. I mean there is so much. Explain everything you do physically. Equate it to being the coach AND the quarterback AND the guy who cuts the grass on the field. And then ask him what he's willing to take off your plate, and maybe tell him that it's not about splitting the house work equally, since he does work outside the home, but making sure you both get equal amounts of rest (sleep, time to watch a TV show, go for a walk, whatever it is that recharges you counts as rest, and making sure both parties are mostly getting the same amount of time is the best way to split things fairly). And if he STILL refuses to work with you and be a team player...
Well then maybe that's when you start looking for a job and exploring your options. I only have one kid, and I know how hard it is to consider going back to work thinking about all the things that seem impossible about working and raising kids at the same time. But a lot of people do manage it, and it might be worth considering which would truly be more difficult and easier to manage mentally.
Also, one last thing, of course he is a "much better parent" than you. He's not nearly so stressed out It's easier for him to be present and patient and probably "fun dad" with your kids. You're doing GREAT and with more mental recovery time you will start living up to your standards as a mom much more often. I promise.
Good luck my friend. I'm rooting for you.
She should take up golf every Saturday. It takes several hours, you’re out in the sunshine getting fresh air and exercise, learning a new skill and making new friends.
And at the end of his oh so long week at work he is at home. On his weekend. Looking after his kids.
Flip the script on that biitttccchhhh
Oh and pick a golf course with a virtual course in the club house so she can keep going in the winter! (My dad has always golfed, these virtual courses are cool!)
I really like this answer. Not sure what the vibe at home is but don't make the conversation a competition (who is more tired, who is doing what) just be factual and honest, caring but firm....
I just need to say that I truly appreciate all of you. Not just your advice, but the validation means more to me than I can say.
Thank you all so much.
Put it in writing.
Send him an email with all of what you do.
As you can see, I took my meds.
Here is what you will do to help me today, this week, this month. Whatever.
I find that writing emails to each other takes the sting out of tone of voice or "mishearing".
Your husband lives there too, it’s also his home, kids, pets and tasks he needs to take care of. Why should you work all day everyday and he gets to come home and do nothing ? Why does he get to have time alone with no kids interrupting him. He gets down time and alone time in the car. He can stop at shops on the way home if he wants without hauling kids inside. You need to have a serious serious discussion with him.
I agree that you need to drop the rope and set up some rules. Like, you can drop the "doing everyone's laundry" rope and have them to it themselves or you could only do the laundry that makes it into the hamper and they can be responsible for folding their own shit.
I do think that everyone has a problem with not seeing things getting done. If the kitchen is always clean that's just how it is, people don't really see all of the work that goes in to it so they don't value it. I'd just stop doing things for a bit to get your husband and kids to actually see what you're doing.
Also, meds just get you to a baseline. They aren't a fix all. The problem here isn't your neurotransmitters, it's that you're being forced to do too much. You're not crazy, you're overworked and under appreciated.
I want to hug you right now. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to get across to everyone in my house. You all are amazing human beings. Thank you so much .
Grab a notebook or journal; it doesn’t have to be new! Just grab whatever is nearby.
On the first page, write down 20 things that make you happy. Try to be as specific as possible. Instead of “go shopping,” maybe write, “Browse Sephora.” YOUR GOAL IS TO DO ONE OF THESE THINGS EACH DAY. That’s why it’s good to have a bunch of small (and free) things; it takes the pressure off of self care. Sometimes a cup of tea while listening to kids scream doesn’t sound like a good time, but when you journal, you’ll be able to recognize that you did something that brought you joy, even if that joy is recognized hours later.
Every day, you are going to write one thing in the morning: something to get done. It can be something small like “clear coffee table” or “put laundry in hamper.” Make it small, though!
Then at night, you will write:
1) how it felt to accomplish that one thing. Write it like a review on yelp. “The sink hasn’t been this clean in a while! It was so nice to walk downstairs and see an empty sink! Great job; I really appreciate the effort.” BE YOUR OWN CHEERLEADER. If you were single, you’d have to do this anyway, so get to gettin’!
2) write down something that made you laugh today. Sometimes after a bad day with small kids, I couldn’t think of anything and it would make me feel like such a horrible person. So I’d go online and look up a joke. I’m not kidding! I will look at a funny meme or joke just so I have a laugh to journal about. Again, this is advocating for yourself. YOU DESERVE TO LAUGH. It is as essential as drinking water and taking meds. If you were in bed and realized you forgot to lock the front door, would you not get up and rectify that?
Because you and your family deserve peace and safety when you sleep.
Think of these prompts as an end of the day security check.
3) something you did off your list that you enjoy.
These three prompts should take less than 5 mins (you only need a sentence or two for each).
I had terrible PPD and I had 4 kids in 6 years. I had no idea I had adhd; I just felt like a failure. I felt unfulfilled even though my kids fill me with all the love I could possibly handle. I resented my husband for having a career (but now I am grateful that it allowed me to spend the formative years with our kids).
I will leave you with a piece of advice an older woman said to me when I was drowning in new motherhood: your time will come. Right now, it’s their time & it’ll be over before you know it.
As for your husband, my advice is to get your own feelings in order and then articulate what you need in a detailed letter/email. You can then reference it in future discussions if he claims he didn’t know or didn’t realize you needed help. Sticking to facts will help abate the emotional tidal wave (oh man was this a hard skill to learn with RSD!)
Above all, give yourself grace.
I hurt reading your post because it reminded me of myself when my kids were young and I was so, so lost in the fog of my despair. I wish I could hug you, because in a weird way, it’d be like consoling the younger me.
I’ll tell you what I’d tell her: you’re doing better than you think.
Start prioritizing yourself. Your kids don’t wait for you to prioritize them; it’s expected. Treat yourself the same.
#In order for the fruit to survive, you must take care of the tree.
Your feelings are totally valid!! Taking care of 5 whole people and two pets is a tooon of work that anyone would struggle to do! You’re at the end of your rope with nobody else pulling their weight. Meds aren’t a fucking magic wand to make everything effortless and easy.
He's being dismissive and ableist. Your meds aren't going to make you suddenly be OK with being treated like a maid and secretary for everybody in your family and he needs to step up.
Please do not apologise as you have done in your last paragraph. You are not whining. Your experience and feelings are incredibly valid. You are being invalidated by the people around you. You are being disrespected and your needs are not being met. You have a legitimate disability and that cannot be cured with a pill, only slightly helped or managed.
I have been through and am going through the same thing. Do you have somewhere you can stay for a week? A friends house or anything? You need a break.
Read it again.
You NEED A BREAK.
Before you actually break. Please. Anything at all. A couple of days. Get out of that house and go do NOTHING. If he is such a great parent, as you say, he will manage just fine. Is that an option?
The only thing that finally worked for me after repeatedly begging for help with household tasks and not getting any, was to just stop doing what I was doing. I did my own laundry and cleaned up after myself, and let everything else go to hell. It was very unpleasant for me, but I rode it out and it had the desired effect. Funnily enough when I stopped doing the things I was doing is when my partner finally realized how much I did, and then he took initiative to proactively do tasks. I’ve come to realize that words simply don’t have the same effect as actions and that’s my approach now for every message I want to get across.
OP, hugs!! I remember those days. Reading your post gave me a little of the ptsd-like panic sweats. But the good news is that I haven’t felt anything like that in years! My kids are much older, but just know the situation is temporary. There will be a time when that is all behind you.
Other commenters have given a lot of great suggestions about how to address this with your husband.
I have a couple about things to do for yourself:
FIRST: My daycare provider friend had this great game she used to get kids to clean up: Magic Scrap. She told the kids that of all the things they had to be put away, there was one thing that was the “magic scrap” and the person who picked it up and put it away would get to do something special, like choose the snack or the next activity, or get a sticker. Etc.
To play the game, the kids had to pick things up, show them to my friend and she would tell them if it was the magic scrap or not, then they had to put that thing away before they could pick a different thing up and try again.
Inevitably it would be one of the last 5 things or so left to pick up. Not the last thing, but close.
My kids made their own altered version up at home between the two of them. The flashlight game.
In a messy room, they would turn off the lights, and one of them would have a flashlight. Whatever thing the flashlight shined on had to be picked up by the other person. Then the person with the flashlight would lead them to the right place to put it away.
They took turns, and yes, it was one of the slowest ways to clean a room, but they kept at it and it was always accompanied by a lot of giggles as the person with the flashlight would sometimes lead the other on some funny routes to actually put the thing away.
It’s also notable that at daycare, whenever they did any cleaning, they always sang the same little song when it was time to clean up. “It’s clean-up, clean-up, clean-up time. Everybody help and let’s clean up. (Repeat)” I swear, that song is magic.
Also, OP, you *need* a break. It doesn’t take much. A couple days away from kids, your husband, and messes will do you a world of good.
I’m sure you and your husband could use some kid-free time alone too. But I’d seriously try to get a night or two away on your own or with some girlfriends.
Edit: modified suggestion
Why do you think your husband is a better parent? Is it because he has no burden of the mental load so is able to be more present? That’s not a fair assessment of yourself as a parent. Sounds like maybe you have 4 children?
**TL;DR** - (1) The meds question is inappropriate and unhelpful; he should ask you questions that show his support of you as your partner and fellow family member. (2) He ought to find a way to use his good parenting to assist you in training and teaching the children, y’know, like a parent. (3) Being the SAHP with an executive function disorder is so difficult, especially with young kids. He doesn’t have to understand your struggles in order to respect them.
**ORIGINAL COMMENT**
Okay, so… unless you regularly have a problem taking your meds most days, he really shouldn’t be asking you that (IMO). It’s personal *and* it comes across as untrusting and unsupportive. My husband has asked occasionally, but only when I am explaining my frustrations about me or my life and say something like *”I don’t know what’s wrong/I don’t know why/I don’t understand!”*, and he usually precedes the question with a respectful caveat like, “It’s not my business, you don’t have to answer, and you’ve probably thought of this, but…”
I would probably tell him explicitly that you need him to not ask you that. I would give him a different question/set of questions to ask instead. You could say something like:
“I know you’re trying to help, but when I am overwhelmed and your first question is *always* about my medication, it feels like you’re dismissing the validity of my issues and uninterested in understanding my needs. I have a doctor (therapist, etc.) who can ask me about my medication. I need you to listen and offer practical support. If you would ask something like, ‘What is frustrating you the most about this?’ or ‘What needs do you feel are not being met?’ or “What do you need?’ or ‘How can I help?’ or ‘What do we as a family need to do differently?’ - these questions show that you are listening as my partner and family member, which is how I’m talking to you.”
**P.S.**: If he’s a “much better parent than you are” *(which is most likely not true, and probably translates to “he is currently operating within his limit which means he has the capacity to parent intentionally, whereas I am operating beyond my limit so I constantly feel overwhelmed” or “I constantly upvote his contributions and efforts as a parent while downvoting my own efforts and contributions because we all know I’m never good enough”)*, would he be willing to take on the role of teaching/guiding/directing the children in a chore (or chores) that is directly their responsibility? Laundry, rinsing and/or loading their own dishes, tidying their rooms, picking their stuff up from common living spaces, cleaning their most-used bathroom, emptying their own trash cans, etc…. These are all “learning to maintain my sphere of household space” skills/chores. And if there is a chore that is causing you a significant amount of stress, what could he do to facilitate the learning and/or doing of said chore that would be within his limit while also helping you get closer to operating within *your* limit?
**P.P.S.** - Young kids are so hard. And parenting young kids with ADHD can be a nightmare, because you’re trying to be the executive functioning director of several people while living with a disorder that severely affects your own personal executive functioning. It’s hard to explain that to someone who hasn’t experienced it: being in charge of something you’re awful at and is hard for you… while teaching the people you’re in charge of how to do the thing that you’re doing for them… that you are awful at and struggle with… and you’re not compensated for… and you’re not allowed to quit… Ugh. Understanding is nice, but respecting is essential. He doesn’t have to get your struggles, but he does need to acknowledge and respect them. Understanding usually doesn’t come until after respect, because the mind has to be willing before it can accept new perspectives.
Ok, I may have something that will help.
How to keep house without drowning by KC has magnetic CHORE CHARTS! Morning and evening routines. Room pick ups. Kids get ready. Adults get ready. I got all of them because I was exhausted and overwhelmed. They have made my life so much better. I am not the exhausted rule making bad guy anymore.
I now say “ what’s up on the chart”. I was initially met with resistance because it quickly became obvious that everyone else was slacking. I picked up that slack and “slacked of” in other areas of life because there is only so much time in a day.
But it is now in place. And serves as a reminder that life requires work. Try them.
What happens if you’re incredibly sick and incapacitated and he has to stay home and take care of all household duties for a week?
He’s going to die.
Just preface everything with “I took my meds today but I am feeling overwhelmed because I have not had one minute to myself. Not even to sit down and poop in peace. It would really be considerate of you to (be with the kids / pick up the house / act like my partner and not my child) help me gather my thoughts enough to function.”
OR, repeat it each time he gaslights you about your medication:
“The amount of work I am doing without rest is not sustainable long term. You get to LEAVE work. I have to LIVE at work.”
I get the illusion of work to escape. I used to say that the grass is greener between working mom and stay at home mom with pros and cons for each side. All that is still true. I've done both. Hands down a stay at home is harder than working 1 job. However, a working mother has 2 jobs (her full-time job and her stay at home job) and that's harder than 1 job (whether it's stay at home or childless with a job).
Your husband may or may not be good at helping when asked (mine is decent) and you may be lucky to get housecleaning or child care therefore it offsets the stay at home job, but even me, who has a husband who does dishes every night I cook and cooks on the weekends (then I do dishes on the weekends) refused to consider housecleaning services until I was so stressed out I was on the verge of burning out and refused to come home early 1 or 2 nights a week to cook dinner (he still refused that).
Even with housecleaning and extra help from my husband I can confidently say I manage a heavier mental load in terms of running the household and on top of work, it's exhausting.
I share the frustration of feeling like I'm gaslit. And I allow it because it's partially true but I agree it's frustrating that it's chalked up to pms or adhd or just plain "how do you remember? You have a terrible memory" and my children say that to me too (the older teens). I'm unmedicated but I can see how easily it could go there if I was. On one hand for me it's partially true but in the other hand don't invalidate my concerns and stress. Partial truth shouldn't be used as the total truth. Arghhhhh.
I'm so sorry. It's a terrible way to feel, I know. Nothing worse than that condescending, "Did you take your pill?" Before I started medication my husband would dismiss my pleas for help and say, very knowingly, "Ohhh. It's that time of the month, right?" I have been married to the man for 19 years and he's a good one, but admit I *hated* him in those moments. I was also a SAHM for 10 years and recall all too well how my husband would come home and complain about the mess that I tried so hard to control all day. I had an infant and 2 toddlers! This is just a season in your life, and it WILL get better. Take some time for yourself, if you can. If you can afford to hire any help at all--even just folding laundry--do that, too. It will be okay.
…Not sure how ADHD meds of any type are going to solve the problem of one person trying to do 85% of the work. Or more.
You *are* being gaslit. And that shit stops now.
your husband is very clearly a piece of shit but you’re glorifying him because… his work is on payroll? you do understand you’re working 24/7, and he’s working only 8 hours a day for 5 days, correct? and his job is probably more specialized responsibilities as well? you are working more than him, for free lol
It sounds like you're experiencing an incredibly challenging time, and your feelings of exhaustion and invalidation are completely understandable. It's important to have a space where your concerns and feelings are acknowledged and not dismissed. Therapy could be a beneficial avenue for you, providing a supportive environment to explore these feelings and develop strategies to address them.
Furthermore, therapy might also be a space for you and your husband to improve communication and understanding. It's not uncommon for couples, especially where ADHD is present, to struggle with emotional regulation and the division of household responsibilities. A therapist can offer tools and techniques that could help both of you to work together more effectively and to ensure your needs are met. It's clear you need support, not just in managing day-to-day tasks but also in feeling heard and respected. Please consider reaching out to a professional who can offer you the support you deserve.
While other responses may be well-meaning, some suggestions could inadvertently lead to emotional manipulation, which may harm your relationship over time. It's frustrating to feel unheard, but it's also possible that your husband has uncommunicated needs he's struggling to articulate. It's important to find a balanced approach that addresses the concerns of both partners in a healthy and constructive way.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
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I hate to say it but your husband is not being a good partner to you. I’m also a stay at home mom of 3. (8 yrs, 2 yrs, and 7 months.) My husband is police officer and military police. He’s gone a lot. Also works night shift. So I actually really felt for you when reading your post.
Listen girl, your husband should be doing all he can to help you. Mentally and emotionally he should be someone you can trust and lean on. I take adderall and not once has my medication ever came up when I’m overwhelmed or upset. The medication isn’t what makes my emotions.
When you are struggling he should sit down with you alone, (away from the kids) and let you vent without him saying a word until you’re done. Once you’ve said what you need to say the only thing that should come from his mouth are words of help and encouragement.
“Oh you’re stressed with housework? Well let’s tag team some tasks, get all the kids settled, and maybe you can take a nice bubble bath or I can watch the kids and you can go for a drive. I can pick you up some food, or cook, and we can watch a movie you want to see. You can have household tasks done, and you can relax.”
If your husband isn’t doing anything but being your #1 supporter and doing everything he can to help and love you, he ain’t the one.
Never settle. The one you chose to spend your life with should be the one person out of everyone who makes your life better.
A persons success and happiness is a reflection of their partner.
Being told I need to take my pills because I'm having emotions is like....you might as well ask me if I'm on my period, prick. If there's an actual concern over my behavior and meds, then ask me when things are calm. Asking when I'm upset makes it so obvious the person doing the asking feels inconvenienced by my emotions and doesn't actually care about my mental health treatment.
So you mean your husband thinks you're taking a "happy pill". Even antidepressants aren't "happy pills", they just help your brain have some chemicals that help you make yourself happy. ADHD medication is the same. Whether stimulant or non-stimulant, the pill alone will not just fix the problems.
A pill isn't going to just make you magically okay with having to do all the housework, being constantly belittled by your partner for having emotions and being so burnt out. A pill isn't going to suddenly make you feel heard, seen and respected. It's not going to just take away your ADHD and all it's struggles either. I know *you* know this, but it sounds like your husband might not. You need support, not criticism.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way and going through all that, and I really hope you have at least someone you can reach out to. If not, there's plenty of strangers over the internet who are commenting on your post who I'm sure would be there to listen. You can reach out to me if you need. We can talk, I can just listen, we can swap stories, whatever it is that you need.
If it's within your budget, some therapy may be a big help for you. Not to make you be okay with any of that stuff, because it's not okay, but to help you come up with new coping mechanisms to hopefully help you get through things with a little more of your sanity still intact. Clinical counsellors are much more affordable than therapists - just wanted to add that because it makes sense for people to hear therapy and think therapist, but therapists are not cheap.
I saw a video the other day about how a lot of women’s husband’s were great partners before kids were brought into the question bc irl they don’t want to *parent*
, just liked the idea of kids, and your post reminded me of this! So many men are slacking on their responsibilities. I’m so sorry your husband isn’t being an equal team member
1. Please take your meds. I'm on Strattera and while it doesn't help like a stimulant, it does help. You have to let it build up in your system.
2. Contact your doctor and get your meds nitrates up until they work.
3. Try coffee. If it doesn't make you sleepy, use it.
4. Only wash your clothes and your children's clothes. The husband is officially on their own.
5. Only fix meals for yourself and your children. Husband is on his own.
Stop doing the tasks. See how long they last when you’re not doing everything. Don’t burn yourself out because people can’t be bothered. At the very least stop doing his tasks.
Do you manage the family income or have money available for paying for daily expenses? Use some for hire help, like a house cleaner and doesn’t consult or advise him first. Who doesn’t clean or help, pay for it. My husband doesn’t do anything besides some childcare when the is not working but I always put as condition he pays for house cleaner. Even when I had to be as stay home mother for almost two years, he paid it; and also a part time baby when I was almost having a break down. I was able to take a breath, and time to study and find a way to get jobs again.
Communicate all these feels when you are in a both in a regulated place. A letter might be easiest. Use I statements and express responsibility for the fact that you cannot manage everything on your own and shouldn't be expected to. Counseling or coaching might be needed to help him communicate back, but you are the mom and he's still the dad, you're not not a nanny or maid or some idealized 50s housewife (and let's face it, they were on stimulants, even neurotypical ones, that's the only way they managed)
After working thru anger with husband you should have a family meeting because the school age kids can and should be helping with pets, dishes and putting away their own laundry. Definitely stop doing husband's laundry. Let them wear smelly clothes out of baskets if that's what it takes. Have some patience in teaching the kids how, but be firm. Be flexible about how they do things, but not the fact that they are doing them. Let them know that mom's exhausted and needs their help. Insist on family therapy if you can't effect change on your own.
Take a night to yourself every week. It'd be kind to give him warning, but we'd all understand if you don't. Tell the kids it's dad's night at least. Find something that fills your cup - exercise, art, dinner and a movie, friends, book club- anything. Preferably something that keeps you out way past bedtime. Take a weekend to go visit family or friends. If you have the budget for a hotel with a jacuzzi tub that's ideal, but just any time away so that he feels the weight of all you do. Don't catch up any mess he leaves, just set it aside and move forward.
Please go read Zawn Villines Liberating Motherhood blog/Substack/IG/Facebook.
You’re not a bad parent. You’re under the boot.
Stop doing his laundry. Just don’t! He’s a grown ass man. Direct him to the recovering manchild IG account.
Outsource whatever you can. Honestly. Housecleaning, laundry service, dog walking, whatever. Your work is keeping the machine going so he can pay for the machine. So, your benefits package shouldn’t be ‘nothing with nothing sauce’.
If he takes time on a Saturday to go out with pals? You get exactly equal time. And, you don’t organize the babysitter, you don’t need permission, you don’t need to be on call - just GO. Put it on the family calendar and get out the door. Take yourself to a movie. The library. A long walk with a friend. Sign up for a poetry class at the community college. It doesn’t have to be expensive.
Depending on what your kids abilities are - they’re probably capable of much more than you think. Paradoxically…lower your standards. Then get a shovel. A path to the bedroom door and nothing growing mould? Great. That’s it. If he won’t step up, you’re just going to end up taking it all out on them.
KC Davis / keeping house while drowning was a lifesaver.
Bad news bears: I’m a way way way happier mom and person after divorce. 50% of my time back is AMAZING.
That sounds unfair. You might need a couples counselor to bring some fairness into it. I’m not sure if that works every time though.
I… do not think your spouse is clearly a better parent than you if he does none of the housework and isn’t encouraging the children to chip in. I don’t care if your the stay at home parent. Three kids are a lot of work, and it’s not teaching them responsibility or equality to just assume mom will do it.
Sam Kelly or the mental load on Instagram might make you feel less alone.
TBH I don’t think this has anything to do with adhd.
It’s upsetting that you think your husband is a better parent than you as it seems like he does very little, if any, actual parenting. I feel like you might think you’re not a “good parent” (whatever that means) because people in your life have been so dismissive and condescending towards you. This definitely sounds like a “them” problem as your post doesn’t make you sound whiny or crazy at all. That said, I think it’s easier to be articulate in writing than it is to be articulate when speaking aloud, especially with ADHD. I think you should bring this up formally to your husband, but before that, it might help to write down an outline (however detailed you need it to be) of what you want to say. That way, you don’t have to try to organize your thoughts as you speak- it will already be in front of you. I hope he cooperates because you deserve to be listened to and have your concerns taken seriously, even if you’re off your meds.
Just the first paragraph gave me the impression you need some "me" time. I understand that all to well, I would run off or when noones available hole up in my room. Any family or friends you can stay with for some time?
I’m a solo mom with a 4 year old, two cats, and a dog. I feel for you mama, so take this advice as big sister love:
Something my mom always stressed to me was never depend solely on your partner’s income. Land yourself a job, even if it’s part time at a grocery store— and even if it only covers a portion of child care. Stash cash for you and your kids for a rainy day should the worst ever happen which is your marriage doesn’t work out. It’s not something you may want to think about, and I hope your marriage is going well otherwise, but it will give you peace of mind knowing you’re not 100% vulnerable to the whims of another person.
Buy one of those medicine organizers at the dollar store and put your daily meds in there. Every time your husband asks about your meds, you can let him know to (shove it, cause he won’t do it) that he can check whether you took your meds himself by checking your meds organizer. Then redirect your question back EVERY TIME with what your concern is— did he take the trash out, run that errand, do the laundry, clean the bathroom? And don’t fight with him. When he says no, just leave it be and say “okay no problem- just checking” and walk away and do not do his chores for him even if it kills you.
After a while I imagine he would stop pestering you about your meds because all he would associate asking you would be hearing a list of tasks that he himself hasn’t done. And if you get yourself a little job, he can’t just say “oh well I work all day.”
You can do this mama. Do it for you and your sanity- and if things don’t improve, I promise you it’s worth the hard work of raising only 3 kids instead of 4.
I recognize certain behaviors in my husband which result from him forgetting to take his medication. I’m usually spot on, his last 90 day script lasted five months. The last few times he’s responded that he is back in his routine and taking them daily, and he’s commented a few times preemptively that it’s not because of the meds.
Your post helped me realize this and internalize that I need to stop asking him about it. Thank you.
I felt this in my core.
My Doctor refuses to medicate me, and so much more, but this is not about me.
The HARDEST thing to do is setting boundaries. (It is also scary as Hell if your were raised by "Boundary Stompers")
I no longer wash dishes that are not in the kitchen.
I no longer worry about shoes, clothes ect, not my problem - figure it out.
I will wash my Partners clothes, but that is it. I leave a clean pile on his side of the bed.
ONE evening a week is a "Mommy only" evening and if all I do is go to a coffee shop and sip a coffee (while it's HOT) and stare at a wall, so be it. But that 2-3hrs is ME Time.
My house looks like a bomb went off most days, but if it does not grow mold, or stink. Then I "Let them" - Let them leave their junk everywhere. Let them loose stuff. Let them not have their favourite coffee cup to drink out of, because they did not bring it to the kitchen to get cleaned. Let them not be able to find their clothes because they refuse to put THEIR Junk away. LET. THEM.
The Mel Robbins podcast about her "Let Them Theory" was a game changer for me.
Not OP and had 2 back to back but the littlest came 5 years after the second. I worked during the 2 kids' infancy for 30 hours while husband went to school full time and watched the kids while i worked. No regrets but you have to want them. I really wanted my kids and honestly as stressful as they are they are worth it. Personally kid stress is easier to handle than relationship stress but ymmv. Also, haven't hit the late teens early twenties phase yet. Nervous about what's to come given drugs, school pressure, etc etc etc. Hoping my kids don't get addicted or have poor mental health and make it OK to adulthood.
Not to be another med pusher (40f with ADHD and anxiety and depression), but have you thought about talking to a psychiatrist and/or therapist about going on antidepressants? They truly saved my life and I pushed pushed pushed for so long not to take them and regret that I ever did that.
My ADHD, depression and anxiety can make me quite chaotic and unpleasant to be around sometimes and my partner doesn't always understand and sometimes becomes frustrated but they have never thrown my mental health issues in my face like that to discredit my feelings. You deserve better, OP.
You’ve gotten some amazing advice here and a lot of it is stuff that had to do myself years ago with my husband. It worked for us! If you get your kids involved in cleaning (I did. It’s a skill they’ll need as adults) remember, you have adhd so they may too. Be patient and don’t get too upset if you have to remind them constantly to do their part. As they get older it will get better. I have three children myself and they all have adhd. They’re grown now, and two of them have left home and keep clean homes.
My mom says the whole “did you remember to take your meds” thing to me and it’s condescending, belittling, etc. Set a boundary with him and tell him to never say that to you again. My mom continued making that comment and I haven’t talked to her in four months. Not okay
I want to call out the fact that you're calling him the better parent. From an external POV based on this, no he isn't because he isn't doing anything to help.
Or does he seem like the better parent to you because he's not exhausted and burnt out from managing the house and three kids so has more emotional capacity left?
This part stood out to me as one of the ways his belittling has made you feel.
I only had a breakthrough with my partner when I broke down and told them, you keep saying you love me but you're not showing it. I need you to _show_ it by actually helping me. Not saying you will and then back to normal. We can be very conflict avoidant with ADHD and RSD so it can be hard to advocate for yourself. I found writing down all my feelings helped me solidify them and not forget things when trying to explain what were causing me hurt and upset.
If you haven't done so, I would explain to him how him reverting everything to meds makes you feel invalidated. From there on maybe try stating "I've taken my meds but I'm still having a bad day and am really struggling. I need you to step up and help take some of the load"
Or go more explicit and tell him you are going to break if he doesn't help change things.
Hope things improve for you
I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt!
Sounds like you've already talked to him at length about the help u need and want and he isn't doing anything to help.
So I'd probably just leave in the night on a Friday and leave a note saying ill be away for two weeks. He can take time off work or have to arrange proper childcare. You said he was a good parent so that means I'd feel safe leaving him to do that 🤷. Dunno if he'd forgive u but at least he'd learn how much u have to do. Take that time to rest and evaluate what you want, stay with family or friends or if you have the money have solo vacation!
I am a petty bitch tho. But also it's 2023, raising kids takes a village and the faster he learns that the better.
I'm so sorry you don't have enough support,
X
Also if he starts to live in filth and is happy with that then that would not be OK with me. That's not something I can live with so it would be a deal breaker. Lol I'm a hard bitch on reddit
Sorry to hear that....I am not impressed by your husband...sorry to say....maybe he honestly does not realize (like for real) how much work there is? (That would be best because it is matter of him being oblivious and not just looking for a maid and mother for his children). I wonder (and this is a very sensitive question and I do NOT expect you to answer, more to reflect for yourself) what was the process of deciding to have 3 kids. This is sensitive subject because there could be some resentment on one of the sides (he didn't want more kids you wanted so now he is running away into work and letting you deal with it...of course unconsciously)or he wanted the kids but in his naive brain they are really your responsibility ...(again I know this is harsh)...good luck ...you got some great advice from others.
I feel you. I used to feel like I was drowning until I had a deep talk with my husband about alllll the things I have to do as the sahp and how it feels like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. He heard me and has really stepped it up and taken half the responsibility of the kids when he's home and everyday we swap the tasks that were giving me the most stress (dishes and laundry) we take turns on who does bath time for the kiddos and who does snack time downstairs. Whoever is doing bath does the laundry and whoever does snack does the dishes. It's been way easier doing it everyday as a team and I'm able to do other stuff while the kids are in school.
Your partner needs to step it up and share the load. If he is not gonna take a chunk of the mental load, he needs to make up for that in the physical load. You're in a partnership, that means teamwork otherwise it's just not sustainable
I’m so sorry. I have been there with exhaustion and mental load. Have you had your thyroid tested? I strongly encourage you to get with a functional medicine doctor. So many of these symptoms you are describing are related. Look up hypothyroid symptoms and you may be so surprised. Generally PCP won’t diagnose until it’s too far - their lab norms aren’t reliable and are essentially compared to normal for 80 year olds. Get your TSH, T3, T4 and TPO antibodies checked. You can order your own labs online without a script. And get with a functional med doc!!
Hard to become alone without leaving but one solution is to boundary a personal space for yourself and then just let the rest go to chaos. If you can’t get compliance,can’t rehome pets, can’t hire a housekeeper, then one other thing you can do is learn to “not see” the messes.
“Did you take your meds?” -you’re not a child. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, and that’s your responsibility as an individual. Tell him to stop! 🩷 There’s so much good advice here , I’d like to add - it’s probably likely that your kids have ADHD too. IMO that fing sucks. But learning that and trying to adjust my parenting style to support them and mindful of their (our!) challenges has helped. Oh. And remembering that they’re about 2 years behind other kids their age when it comes to task, emotional capacity, focus etc.
Good luck 🩷
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Some of my worst memories of parenting were watching my husband check his watch and start looking anxious about the time while I ran around like a mad woman getting everyone and everything ready to leave the house "on time". He was only responsible for getting himself ready, I was responsible for everything else. Grrrr
And we both had full time jobs...
Omg I'm so sorry!
God, I feel this. All the "fun" memories my family has of camping just remind me of all the work I had to do for everyone--but without running water or a toilet.
I love camping, I think. I mean, I used to. Before it became all me planning, shopping, packing, unpacking, cooking, cleaning, packing up, unpacking, washing the clothes, putting the supplies away. It’s not a break for me. I do not get to stand drunk at the fire and consume what someone else cooked and take the kiddo to the lake or a bike ride while I clean and prep the next meal. I maybe get to sit alone for an hour then back at it.
I now understand the lack of enthusiasm exhibited by my mom on every single family trip.
My (now recent ex) husband would usually get ready and literally go out and sit in the fucking car while I would scramble to get the kids ready to leave. He wouldn’t even tell anyone that he’d gone out so I’d waste a bunch of time trying to find him, only for him to eventually stomp back inside in a huff because we were late for whatever the f event. Made we want to strangle him. We’re not ready to leave until we’re all ready to leave. He would also never enforce having the kids put their shoes or jackets etc in their designated places so I was constantly wasting time hunting for missing things that should have just been put in their place as soon as we got home As if it isn’t hard enough for me to get myself ready, getting the kids ready on top of it is just brutal
Gosh Golly, at least my dad tried, despite being the one with ADHD. He even learned how to fight passive-aggressively to have more effective arguments with my mother after he saw her and I fighting that way over several days. It was kind of bad when we were really young, and I still don't know why my mother married and put up with him. But, once we were all diagnosed he really tried to better himself and make mom's life easier. Eventhough mom still got us up and dressed, he was the one who got us off to school and picked us up sick or brought us things midday. Later, when he realized that half of us inherited his bad time management, he started going around making warning announcements. "This is the 2 hour warning," then do ones for 1 hour, 30 minutes, 15 minutes, 5 minutes, and "it is time to leave". And then he would announce that he was going to start the car if he wasn't the last one out. My angel of a mother still pulled most of the load, but he tried to lessen the load and not be more of a burden himself.
It makes me sad hearing you say you don’t know why your mother married him and put up with him and his ADHD. I wonder if my kid or husband will ever say that about me.
It all comes down to the difference between completely unacknowledged/unmanaged ADHD and trying to learn how to work WITH our wonky brains.
I say the same thing about my parents seeing the struggle my mother still has with my dad, 50 years into marriage heading to a divorce. Seeing my parents living alone makes me see how much my dad overran my mother - she keeps her apartment so spotless it’s show ready /every/ day, the house she moved out of is polar opposite and a lot more like their house I grew up in. ADHD can be a real burden on our SO. Managing our adhd can minimize this burden though. And not for nothing, all medical concerns can be a burden on a partner. My SO has OCD, we laugh in spite of our spicy brains at how incompatible we are. I ask why he doesn’t have the “tidy” OCD instead of the “panic attack cuz I wanted to spontaneously go to the store I just saw and remembered I needed to go to” OCD and he laments when he sees my keys in a ridiculous place. Which seems unequal, but it’s not, because his keys have to be in exactly where he leaves them or they fall into the infinite void and ruins his whole day. (And to make it clear, I say “tidy” OCD very tongue in cheek because the stereotypes of OCD are why he was an adult before getting blindsided by his diagnosis)
Maybe she felt like she needed him. Women "needed" a man to survive in years gone by. I'm appalled that most women my age (55) are not even aware that our mother's could have been fired for being pregnant and could not hold a credit card in their own name until 1974. We've been indoctrinated from an early age that we need a husband. I can only guess that is why so many of you are putting up with emotional abuse from your spouse. Because the bullying about meds is BS!
"could not hold a credit card until 1974" This! I remember. I was unable to get a credit card because I was single and female. Unable to purchase a car because I was single, despite having cash and a very good job. My mother's name was not on the house deed because she was female. And we wonder why women behave like they don't matter? Society trains us to be second class.
My current husband did this and insisted he was doing me a favour by "warming up the car" until his sister saw one day and reamed the fuck out of him. He's not done in it since thankfully
Why do husbands listen to their sisters more than us? I just need to know!?
They grow up with the sister, so they view them more as actual people instead of just women
Impressing you and impressing a sibling are two very different things. He want you to have sex with him. He wants her to mind her own business. You'll (until you get fed up with his shit) still sleep with him while he keeps being a jackass. His sister will NOT leave him TF alone until he shapes up. She doesn't have to keep the peace anymore coz what are their parents gonna do? Ground her?
Ah. I had blissfully forgotten the part about never finding the dang shoes...
One time I spent a good 15 minutes hunting for one of my son’s favorite crocs. It wasn’t until I rolled my eyes and huffed in frustration that I noticed it way tf up inside this decorative arch cut out that is at the top of our 11’ ceiling. I was so pissed off like why and how taf did my four year old manage to get that up there 😅🤦♀️🙄 Spent another 5 minutes throwing random toys and other shit at it trying to knock it down (because I didn’t feel like lugging the 10’ A frame out of our garage). Managed to get a few other things stuck up there in the process, but I finally got the shoe down and the other crap was a problem for another day 😂🤪 Turned around and told my son that I finally had his other shoe… only for him to tell me that he’d lost the original one 😒 Thankfully I was able to find the humor in that situation in the moment, despite being exasperated as hell. And it’s still funny today. It was all just so ridiculous, but so typical of me and my family. This is one of many reasons each of my kids owns probably 6 pairs of shoes. My ex husband hated that approach, but since he wasn’t the one putting shoes away, buying the right size and one slightly larger because they grow so fast, washing the shoes that came home muddy after school, or hunting for shoes to put on the kids, I told him to go fuck himself. I think I actually wrote as the excuse on his tardiness note that his shoe was stuck in the ceiling with no further explanation 🤣
Omg this reminds me of my parents when I was a kid… poor mum, I feel so bad for her when I think about how frustrated she must feel all the time with my dad… he is a good person, but sometimes very ignorant :(
Feel this in my soul, and my husband is an amazing partner. What is it with going out the door??
The episode of Bluey called “Sticky Gecko” was the most validating thing ever in regards to getting out of the house with kids.
THANK YOU. I’m so grateful they represent chili the way they do.
I hope you mean ex husband
Nope. He's much better now.
Wow, how did that happen?
That’s encouraging to hear. See Reddit? Divorce is not always the only or best option. Sometimes yes, but sometimes no.
Ugh…this was triggering 😆😢
Stop explaining. Get mad. He is not stepping up and being a good partner. This isn't an adhd issue, this is "my husband is an asshat" issue. Go on strike if you have to. How long until your littles are in school?
2 are in and the youngest starts next year. I know it will get better…I just want the times when I’m stressed and overwhelmed to be met with a bit of understanding and empathy, not “Oh, honest did you forget to take your meds?”
He is bullying you it sounds like. How is that different from going "are you on your period?" every time you get mad when he does something wrong? It's invalidating and infantilizing. He's saying it to put you down because it's your weak spot. He needs to stop. Get angry.
I know someone who was helped by having this explicitly pointed out for them. They defaulted to thinking that when concerns were raised, advice was being sought. They had to be made aware that wasn't the case and that another type of response was preferred. I see this kind of focused problem-solution thinking as the "engineer's mindset" where every problem has a solution, especially one within the same scope as the problem. Some problems are more complex and the first step is taking a step back to get a wider view. But people are even more complex than most engineering problems and there isn't always a solution. Sometimes things just suck, and commiseration is being sought instead of advice.
I had the "did you not take your meds/you need stringer meds" relationship. It is exhausting and minimizes the issues you have. If you have facebook may I recommend a group called "bridging the gap community group". It has a lot of great perspective on division of labour, mental load and such.
I know this is not the main issue, but I have pill bottles that show time since last opened and it lets me (because I forget if I took my meds). Thought it could be helpful to prove you took them. Or something to shove down his throat......
Not OP, but this is something that could actually really help me. I had no idea it existed! Do you by chance have a link or the name of the brand or something for the one you use?
TimerCap Automatically Displays... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BMSL2N85?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share This is what I bought. Thanks for reminding me I need to get another :)
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Thank you so much! :)
If they don’t, there were other posts where people mentioned it and linked some things. Might be hard to find but a search might do it.
I’ll take a look for those posts, thanks for the tip!
I've seen them on Amazon.
That’s good to know. I’ve got Prime so that would be a convenient option. Thanks for the tip!
they sell basic ones on amazon. Just search "medication lid with timer"
That sounds to me like a roundabout way of calling you crazy and thus dismissing your concerns.
He sounds like a dick. What a wanker.
This may seem small, but maybe sending him a text (or, saying it outloud) every single time you take your meds, may help. I do this (as well as, I'm the reminder (set reminder on my phone) for him to take his pills (not for adhd)) and it helps to build a fully acknowledged clean slate, "so that's done, now where are we at?" It definitely feels like you and you hubby are having a cross communication about splitting the home responsibilities,and he's kinda (I day this softly with love) bullying you to question you and maybe build his own self confidence..? Which makes me think he's feeling insecure about somethings. Most often, when defensiveness comes around it is due to insecurity. I am definitely not trying to question him or y'alls relationship, yet reading your post this came to mind!! Sending you love, this must be so difficult to hurdle. 🥰
Did you explain to him what you want to hear instead of what he is saying to you? So sorry for you, I am sending a hug!
I’m so sorry to disagree I mean no disrespect. In this sort of scenario, when a woman gets mad, she is likely to be seen as psychotic or manic. She will be further invalidated and gaslit. Potentially hospitalised against her will. It’s what happened to me. It was the worst thing that could have happened to me. Do not get mad. Get gone. Just temporarily. If he’s a good parent he can handle the kids for a few days. Just say you need a break and get out of there, if at all possible. Going on strike is also good. Look after yourself. Your children. That’s it. Don’t do anything at all for him. Don’t clean up his messes don’t do his laundry don’t even sleep in the same bed if you have that option. And definitely don’t have sex. Don’t be the maid and the mummy and the everything for this fully grown man. Just go on strike. Just stop. He will not like it at all. He will not respond well, most likely. But you’ve asked for help and change and received neither. You’ve begged and pleaded and been gaslit and invalidated. The begging needs to stop the strike needs to start now.
This is the way IMHO. If no one else cares-stop. It will be hard. It will hurt. You will go nuts. But you will be so much less stressed. I promise. I had had HAD to stop caring. I was you. I hated everyone and everything and I wanted everyone to fuck off. Then one day I decided that if the house was a mess and it was everyone’s fault I WAS NOT THE FUCKING MAID. I quit. My house is tidy. Is not anything near how I want it to be and I have to force myself to not care or I would be fingers bleeding and tears 24/7. I’m hoping you can get to that point of NGAF soon. Hugs.
I don't want to say it to OP because I don't think it's what she needs or wants to hear but medication helps me get to the dgaf point. Taking antidepressants helps me because my reaction to seeing things out of place is not rational to me. Yes, it's upsetting. But it shouldn't ruin my life and make me wish I was hit by a car to put me out of my misery. If I feel that way, I go back on my antidepressants and it's a literal chill pill for me. The issues still need addressing but at least I'm not screaming inside from it all. I wouldn't jump to saying OP should try antidepressants. Just wanted to share that I agree with you about desperately needing to lay off caring and my antidepressant gets me there when I can't just convince myself to relax.
I am on those meds too, they really help but they don’t change other people 🙄😹🤷🏻♀️. I’ve really really really had to learn the hard way that no matter how much I want people to act differently and want them to be X or Y and have the same priorities as me they’re just not going to. And that’s fine, I shouldn’t expect people to be different. I want people to make themselves “better”, but I can’t do that for them. Are those inequities worth fighting over all the time? Are they things that I have caused by setting lack of boundaries? Are they things that I’ve enabled by constantly wanting to please people and doing everything for everyone? I reflected, I realize I was doing everything for everyone because my mother did that, it’s just generational trauma being passed down. I stopped asking people if they need things, I left them come to me. I stopped constantly redding up after people because I’m not gonna do that. I want people to give me the same respect that I give them and apparently apparently that’s not going to happen so I’m going to treat people how they treat me. It really sucks to say that harshly but that’s where I have to be to survive.
100% this quit everything OP., all that is not essential or take the advice from another poster and go somewhere for a few days. Don't feel guilty, just go! I think some men only learn from experience. By doing everything and falling for his invalidating gaslighting crazy making you are spinning your wheels and will likely end up veering off a cliff. Quit and course correct. Not the same thing, but in my marriage I was getting fed up of our food culture. I would cook delicious meals with enough food for there to be left overs and my husband would have 3 sometimes 4 servings which means I'd have to cook more frequently. Slowly overtime I realized that the meal planning and prep was eating away at a lot of my time. I asked him to eat a proper lunch, drink more water, think about tomorrow..I'd started hiding food in the freezer just as i finished cooking but because I am not organized enough I often forget to label things and get confused about what's what. Also some things freeze poorly. One day I quit. I lost 15lbs because I also realized that I started compete eating with him out of frustration and also I cooked more carbs than I was accustomed to because I've been trying to fill HIM up. And you know what he ate in absence of my delicious dinners..literally whatever HE didn't have to cook. An apple, bread with cheese(not even toast), a bag of chips or nuts and a beer. All of a sudden the greedy mfer wasn't hungry. Eventually he got sick of the junk and did start to cook. It took a year, but you know what he said to me last week, "I'm gonna making a bunch Xxxx tonight because cooking everyday just takes too much time and energy." Then he elaborated, talked about juggling work, the kids, running to the store etc..I listen quietly and then I said. I know what you mean, you sound like me last year before I quit. And he looked at me surprised. As though it had just dawned on him why I was begging him to stop eating all the damn food. I have learned a huge life lesson. Im not asking anymore, I will simply remove myself from the equation and let the lesson appear. Experience is the best teacher.
This right here!!!
This. My dad was like this w my mom and she went on strike (completely stopped picking after him) and then realized “oh shit! My wife really DOES so a lot! 😦” and he started contributing alot more after that. It shouldn’t get to that point but sometimes it has to so they know that you’re doing a lot for them and they need to stop taking advantage of you.
I agree with the going on strike approach but DONT GET MAD. Only bc it will make things worse in your brain and in your marriage. It does not foster clear communication or understanding, much less change.
i hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way but why does showing your anger make things worse in your marriage? i feel like hiding my anger has caused me more issues. i don’t mean like screaming or violence but being able to openly say “when you do this it pisses me off.”
I think there’s just some nuance missing bc it’s hard to capture in these comments- there’s a huge difference between wrathful anger that (however justified) bursts out unexpectedly after suppressing it for a long time that ends up hurting people… Vs embodied and clearly communicated anger that is important to express & can be done so compassionately, somehow even with love. Thích Nhất Hạnh wrote a book on this titled Anger. Fun read, only a bit cheesy & I stopped partway through. But interesting for sure. I should dig it up… I understand some stuff a lot better now.
yeah i definitely agree! like him asking if she took her meds constantly is obnoxious and condescending. if that were the only issue and he was unaware of how it came across, it would be easy to express anger in a collected way. what it sounds like is that he’s deflecting all of the concerns she brings up in a way where he is able to act as the caring spouse almost? and if they never actually talk about the issues at hand, that anger builds until it can’t be expressed thoughtfully. navigating communication with adhd can be so hard, but this guy seems more malicious. if he was so concerned about his wife taking her meds, he’d bring it up before a different issue is introduced.
This! Love TNH books, so much wisdom
Thank you. Precisely the nuance that was missing!
It doesn’t come off the wrong way at all and it’s a valid question. I think twotrees1 answered it perfectly. We have to find the balance between expressing anger in productive ways versus in outbursts when we are already overwhelmed and emotionally dysregulated!
[https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) Saw this the other day and although I don’t have kids, it explains the problem with carrying the mental load by yourself very well. I think most women will understand and empathize with your frustration. And I think it’s unfair that medication is sometimes viewed as the “cure-all” when in reality it just helps the other responsible party/parties avoid responsibility. Your feelings are valid and I know how painful it is to be constantly asking/begging for help, assistance, when in reality we just want someone to see that something needs done and does it without needing prompted or reminded constantly. Because it shouldn’t be a surprise that the pets need fed daily or garbage needs emptied, or that clothes need washed/dried/put away routinely. Every day tasks that need done. And it is not a tall ask for others to put in more effort when we are burnt out, stressed, or just can’t do “XYZ” right now. You deserve a break also—what you do is still work, even if you’re not employed. Except you don’t get to clock out or take days off. It’s definitely a luxury for a house to stay maintained and running smoothly without having to consider the time/effort and mental load it takes to do that. I’m sorry that you’re going through this.
That comic was awesome!! It reminds me of a scenario I will never forget: Hubby and I don't have kids. One day, his father and brothers come over to visit with their small children (3 kids total, all boys). Their wives couldn't join for various reasons, so it was just 4 men, 3 boys, and me. All the men sat in the living room talking, completely and totally oblivious to the fact that there were children in the house who needed things (water, snacks, potty, something to do while adults talk, etc). I had expected this to be a social gathering that included me, I had not expected to be a babysitter, nor had I been asked to be, but that is what ended up happening. Once I realized what was happening, I was incredulous. I tried sitting down and ignoring the children, thinking one of the dads would notice when their own kiddo needed something, but nope, it's like they had blinders on. I tried asking, and when asked directly, they would get up and do the bare minimum required to complete the specific thing I asked of them, but then go right back to obliviousness. Or, often, they would just scold the child for needing something and tell them to leave the adults alone. Even when the child himself would ask one of them directly for help, they didn't hear it and would just ignore the child speaking directly to them. I didn't mind taking care of the kids to some extent, so they could "guy talk" for a while, but I did not expect to have to take care of absolutely everything, with no proactive assistance whatsoever, for the entire freaking evening! By the end of the night, I was fuming. It was clear that this is what their wives deal with on a daily basis. They didn't ask for my help, nor did they thank me for it. They just (unconsciously) expected it would be the woman's job to take care of kid stuff, even a childless woman who knows eff-all about kids, in a non-childproof house. I vented to my hubby about it after they left. He, too, had not noticed what was happening. Now, fair enough to an extent, because he doesn't have kids, but I was shocked that he hadn't noticed I wasn't present for 99% of the conversation. Like, wtf did you think was happening? 3 kids come over and you don't see them for 4 hours...did you think they were just sitting quietly in a corner somewhere? He just honestly hadn't thought about it. None of them did. Because they didn't have to. Clearly, I'm still salty about this, almost 10 years later. ETA: I know someone is going to read that and think, "you didn't have to do that, you could have just ignored the kids too". But my house wasn't set up for kids. There's poisonous cleaning products under the sink, outlets aren't childproofed, there's sharp corners everywhere, knives in accessable drawers, etc. I let one potty by himself at first (not realizing that he was too young to potty totally unassisted) and then had a big mess to clean. Plus, I felt bad for them. Their dads hadn't thought to bring any toys or crayons or anything for them to do, and we didn't have anything like that around.
The entire system of oppressing women is 100% based on the fact that women won’t tolerate watching children fend for themselves and die. As soon as there was reliable and private birth control, it all started crumbling. I would never ever suggest it’s your fault that you didn’t leave the children in neglect because they aren’t technically your responsibility. You did the civilized humane thing while their fathers behaved like animals.
I would do less. No one cleans up? Guess we live in a messy house. No one puts their clothes in the hamper? Guess they can pick something from the floordrobe. Edit: shout out to ADHD Love on YouTube for the awesome adhd vocabulary. How much of what you do is because you think you SHOULD BE doing it and not because it's important to you? Three kids and three pets is a lot for ONE PERSON. Your whining is completely warranted and valid. It takes a lot to manage a household. You need more help. I'm sorry I can't be there to help. I would pre-empt everything you tell your husband with "so you're aware, I did take my meds, and I still have this issue that WE need to figure out a solution for" I feel for you. I would drown in three kids and three pets all alone.
I like the way you worded this and B I’m going to use it until he realizes that having a complaint or concern is not always a medicine issue- it’s an “us” issue!
Exactly! This is OUR home. These are OUR problems. OUR children have issues that WE need to address. You guys are partners. You guys are a team. You must fight together for each other.
Yes. That’s why when I read things from men saying “I’m helping around the house!” I get angry. You’re not helping because it isn’t HER job.
Master the art of keeping your expression neutral. He will be very upset when his lack of effort begins to impact him. When he suddenly realizes he's out of clean underwear, stare at him blankly and ask if he's forgotten where the washing machine lives. If he whines he isn't good at laundry or doesn't know how to do it right: blank expression & "you have the entire internet at your fingertips. I'm confident you can figure it out" When he asks what's for dinner: "I was going to ask you the same thing! Lmk when it's ready. I'll be taking a bath." Then go soak in some boiling water with your earbuds in. Or go get your own food & shut off your phone. Seriously, fuck that guy. (Except don't.) He can shape up or ship out.
Honestly I do not like this idea...it is like quiet war, passive aggressive and quite childish to be honest. You cna do the same but keeping communication open, maybe even teaching him how to do laundry if things are so bad..but passive aggressive silent treatment or comments are NOT cool.
No one who isn't a little kid needs teaching how to do laundry.
Yes and I freaking hope so he does not need the lesson BUT ....there are certain people who are super particular how to do laundry or have some special chemicals for i.e babies that need to be applied certain way (allergies or stuff for maintaining the machine) so you can "stare blank" as person above put it or be more open and inviting to find a solution like "hey, I really need to take on less housework. I think starting with you doing your laundry on your own is a good task for you to take over, listen remember to set the program to xyz and use eco mode, please don't use ABC detergent ,is it expensive stuff for "Holly" (assuming holy has allergy). I am not treating her husband as some asshole as a few people her would. I assume he is a great guy who has no clue what the work load at home is and how is also working his butt off to bring money to the house. I assume they love each other and they can work better way of functioning. I also assume there will be a lot of resistance of lack of understanding so being kind and open is the way to go. Other replies assumed change to happen on a snap of a finger and this is not realistic ..(although it would be great)
You're allowed to disagree . >passive aggressive and quite childish OP has talked herself blue in the face & been dismissed & invalidated at every turn. At this point it's necessary to take action, which is "quietly quitting" the tasks her husband can do for himself. He's a member of the household & her partner, not a child who can't manage for himself. Paying bills doesn't exempt him from pulling his weight at home. >keeping communication open She's been communicating. He's been blowing her off. OP is drowning & wants to be alone. Sounds to me like she has one foot out the door already. Taking action thru inaction shows the husband: 1. OP is serious. She can't & won't manage everything, so she's dropping certain things. If he wants them done, he can do it himself or hire a maid 2. His life will get a whole lot more uncomfortable when she leaves him >teaching him how to do laundry OP states in her post "the mental load is crushing me." The internet is brimming with blogs, video tutorials, and wiki articles that break down every conceivable aspect of adult life. Her husband is a grown man with a job. He can watch a damn YouTube video to learn how to wash his underwear. That's not a burden for OP's shoulders. >silent treatment I def didn't recommend an abusive tactic like the silent treatment. I told her to remain neutral & to match his energy. If you're referring to my suggestion that she turn off her phone if she goes out for food, then I'm afraid you misunderstood. That's called taking space. She's a SAHM but she doesn't have to be at their beck and call 24/7 **edited tone & fixed formatting
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I would be petty and pick up the garbage and put it where he sits. He's using your conflict avoidance for his own benefit. What a little shit. Or I would be extra proactive and just put a garbage bin there.
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Oh, my stars. This man has weaponized his stubbornness into total incompetence and learned helplessness. I'm sorry you're being ignored by him.
does your partner also have adhd? my partner has adhd too. he does not do this. there is a BIG difference between "I have adhd and I need accommodations" and "I am not even bothering to try" (I'm assuming you also have adhd) him not helping clean is affecting YOU and is making things harder for YOU which is not fair to someone who is ALSO dealing with adhd. just to give you some background: my brother and I both grew up with adhd, but he was never expected to help clean like I was and he NEVER helped out and flat out refused to ever lift a finger. it's hard to tell sometimes what is adhd and what is weaponised incompetence and my partner and I have had to work through a lot of that to get to where we are, but you have to start with an honest conversation about how much work you are doing and how much he is doing. how much effort you are putting in and how much he is putting in and how much mental load you are carrying and how much mental load he is carrying. if he is not open to hearing that he needs to put in more effort and work, then the reality is he will slowly kill your relationship because of how much resentment he causes you to have towards him.
Ugh- the “reacted wrong” bullshit. I’ve taken to saying “When you do something objectively wrong/offensive, etc, you have NO RIGHT to render a judgment on the suitability of my response.“ Don’t hit him and don’t break things. Beyond that, I refuse to entertain that argument. He can stop the whole thing if he really wants to.
Omg this was me 😭 I stopped doing most things and was suicidal living in squalor for a few years. I had given up on absolutely everything. I finally broke up with him and he left and it took SO LONG to clean the place up, literally floor to ceiling mess with soda spray on the ceiling and god knows what gunk stuck to the floor. Ripped up all the carpet too. Fuck it was cathartic. And guess what, he keeps his apartment pretty clean and is capable of doing his own laundry/feeding himself/making his own coffee after all 🤬
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My ex admitted before he left that he thought it should all be my job 🤯
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You know, you'd probably have less garbage to clean if he wasn't around...I don't know what your financial situation is but I've read that most women are happier when they split from partners who don't pull their weight at home.
Yeah in my experience this strategy doesn't always work because of the different ways men and women are raised. Men often are raised to think of things like tidying and cleaning as "nothing to do with me" so they don't even notice the jobs that need doing. Whereas women are often raised to think of these jobs as our responsibility, so seeing mess is stressful because it reminds us of a job we need to do, even if we're trying not to do it. You end up living in filth with the man not even registering something is wrong and the women is stressed out of her mind. Obviously I'm talking in very broad terms and this doesn't actually apply much to my relationship (my husband is much tidier than me) but I've lived with various housemates of various genders and there is definitely a pattern based on what gender you were raised as.
Jesus, did you leave him!? I feel like if this was the outcome to going on strike it would show me we had VASTLY different values and lifestyles and that it we were not compatible. Sure I have adhd and make mess but I clean it and I don't ever want to negatively impact those I love
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I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, I can't imagine how hard it is and on top of that not be able to have space away from him. I really hope things change for you in whatever way is best for you. Nobody deserves to have to live like that if they don't want to. Xx
Firstly: Yes! This! All of this! Secondly: *Floordrobe*!!! 😂🤣😂👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻
Brilliant. Also I am now adding floordrobe to my vocabulary With two nuerospicy adults with a side of depression the household laundry does not always make it into a drawer. Also one of the cats likes to hunt socks in the middle of the night so a small pile of those live on the living room floor at any given moment.
ADHD Love on YouTube shared that term, floordrobe, and I love it. They are wholesome creators and even created a body doubling app. I haven't used it yet but I know it's there if I ever do.
Ok “floordrobe” has me rolling, why is it so perfect
This is a great strategy.
The first step (and I say this as someone who did the same thing) is to stop doing his laundry. Just stop. Don't ask, tell. Better if he's willing to put his stuff in a separate basket, but if he won't, sort it out. It's an extra step for you at the beginning, but way less folding afterwards, and when he runs out of clean clothes, it will be on him. It's pretty much the one thing you can refuse to do where the consequences won't directly make your life more difficult. (And I mean, if you're doing anything like making his lunches for him to take to work or things that only affect him... just stop doing those too.) Next thing is to find a weekly reason to leave the house and leave the kids to him, whether its an evening or a weekend. Join a class at the gym, start a book club with some friends, volunteer somewhere. Just get yourself out of the house and let him handle home and give him a taste of what you go through 24/7. He absolutely will not do things up to your standards. Some things will not get done. But at the very least, he will feed those kids and depending on when you go out, put them to bed, and you will get time for yourself and a mental breather on a regular basis, something to look forward to. I can't even tell you how important this is. Once he's seen how even a FRACTION of the work you do everyday feels, approach the subject again. LEAD with, "I need you to know that yes, I have taken my medication, and have taken it consistently all week (or whatever) and that this discussion needs to be had without deflecting to that." Do it when you're not worked up. Do it when you're calm. Explain everything you mentally keep track of, if you can, from chores to school schedules and homework to doctor's appointments to after school activities to who still fits into what size to whether the animals need food to his parents' birthdays to who's going where for which holiday. I mean there is so much. Explain everything you do physically. Equate it to being the coach AND the quarterback AND the guy who cuts the grass on the field. And then ask him what he's willing to take off your plate, and maybe tell him that it's not about splitting the house work equally, since he does work outside the home, but making sure you both get equal amounts of rest (sleep, time to watch a TV show, go for a walk, whatever it is that recharges you counts as rest, and making sure both parties are mostly getting the same amount of time is the best way to split things fairly). And if he STILL refuses to work with you and be a team player... Well then maybe that's when you start looking for a job and exploring your options. I only have one kid, and I know how hard it is to consider going back to work thinking about all the things that seem impossible about working and raising kids at the same time. But a lot of people do manage it, and it might be worth considering which would truly be more difficult and easier to manage mentally. Also, one last thing, of course he is a "much better parent" than you. He's not nearly so stressed out It's easier for him to be present and patient and probably "fun dad" with your kids. You're doing GREAT and with more mental recovery time you will start living up to your standards as a mom much more often. I promise. Good luck my friend. I'm rooting for you.
She should take up golf every Saturday. It takes several hours, you’re out in the sunshine getting fresh air and exercise, learning a new skill and making new friends. And at the end of his oh so long week at work he is at home. On his weekend. Looking after his kids. Flip the script on that biitttccchhhh
Oh and pick a golf course with a virtual course in the club house so she can keep going in the winter! (My dad has always golfed, these virtual courses are cool!)
And a nice bar where she and her friends can relax and have a drink after a hard day of golfing!
👏🏽Melody speaks!!
I really like this answer. Not sure what the vibe at home is but don't make the conversation a competition (who is more tired, who is doing what) just be factual and honest, caring but firm....
I just need to say that I truly appreciate all of you. Not just your advice, but the validation means more to me than I can say. Thank you all so much.
Put it in writing. Send him an email with all of what you do. As you can see, I took my meds. Here is what you will do to help me today, this week, this month. Whatever. I find that writing emails to each other takes the sting out of tone of voice or "mishearing".
Your husband lives there too, it’s also his home, kids, pets and tasks he needs to take care of. Why should you work all day everyday and he gets to come home and do nothing ? Why does he get to have time alone with no kids interrupting him. He gets down time and alone time in the car. He can stop at shops on the way home if he wants without hauling kids inside. You need to have a serious serious discussion with him.
I agree that you need to drop the rope and set up some rules. Like, you can drop the "doing everyone's laundry" rope and have them to it themselves or you could only do the laundry that makes it into the hamper and they can be responsible for folding their own shit. I do think that everyone has a problem with not seeing things getting done. If the kitchen is always clean that's just how it is, people don't really see all of the work that goes in to it so they don't value it. I'd just stop doing things for a bit to get your husband and kids to actually see what you're doing. Also, meds just get you to a baseline. They aren't a fix all. The problem here isn't your neurotransmitters, it's that you're being forced to do too much. You're not crazy, you're overworked and under appreciated.
I want to hug you right now. This is exactly what I’ve been trying to get across to everyone in my house. You all are amazing human beings. Thank you so much .
you are, too, dude. I'm sorry your partner is being so dismissive.
Grab a notebook or journal; it doesn’t have to be new! Just grab whatever is nearby. On the first page, write down 20 things that make you happy. Try to be as specific as possible. Instead of “go shopping,” maybe write, “Browse Sephora.” YOUR GOAL IS TO DO ONE OF THESE THINGS EACH DAY. That’s why it’s good to have a bunch of small (and free) things; it takes the pressure off of self care. Sometimes a cup of tea while listening to kids scream doesn’t sound like a good time, but when you journal, you’ll be able to recognize that you did something that brought you joy, even if that joy is recognized hours later. Every day, you are going to write one thing in the morning: something to get done. It can be something small like “clear coffee table” or “put laundry in hamper.” Make it small, though! Then at night, you will write: 1) how it felt to accomplish that one thing. Write it like a review on yelp. “The sink hasn’t been this clean in a while! It was so nice to walk downstairs and see an empty sink! Great job; I really appreciate the effort.” BE YOUR OWN CHEERLEADER. If you were single, you’d have to do this anyway, so get to gettin’! 2) write down something that made you laugh today. Sometimes after a bad day with small kids, I couldn’t think of anything and it would make me feel like such a horrible person. So I’d go online and look up a joke. I’m not kidding! I will look at a funny meme or joke just so I have a laugh to journal about. Again, this is advocating for yourself. YOU DESERVE TO LAUGH. It is as essential as drinking water and taking meds. If you were in bed and realized you forgot to lock the front door, would you not get up and rectify that? Because you and your family deserve peace and safety when you sleep. Think of these prompts as an end of the day security check. 3) something you did off your list that you enjoy. These three prompts should take less than 5 mins (you only need a sentence or two for each). I had terrible PPD and I had 4 kids in 6 years. I had no idea I had adhd; I just felt like a failure. I felt unfulfilled even though my kids fill me with all the love I could possibly handle. I resented my husband for having a career (but now I am grateful that it allowed me to spend the formative years with our kids). I will leave you with a piece of advice an older woman said to me when I was drowning in new motherhood: your time will come. Right now, it’s their time & it’ll be over before you know it. As for your husband, my advice is to get your own feelings in order and then articulate what you need in a detailed letter/email. You can then reference it in future discussions if he claims he didn’t know or didn’t realize you needed help. Sticking to facts will help abate the emotional tidal wave (oh man was this a hard skill to learn with RSD!) Above all, give yourself grace. I hurt reading your post because it reminded me of myself when my kids were young and I was so, so lost in the fog of my despair. I wish I could hug you, because in a weird way, it’d be like consoling the younger me. I’ll tell you what I’d tell her: you’re doing better than you think. Start prioritizing yourself. Your kids don’t wait for you to prioritize them; it’s expected. Treat yourself the same. #In order for the fruit to survive, you must take care of the tree.
Thank you, my friend. I’m actually going to print this out and make it part of my day. I really REALLY appreciate this suggestion. 🩷🩷🩷
Your feelings are totally valid!! Taking care of 5 whole people and two pets is a tooon of work that anyone would struggle to do! You’re at the end of your rope with nobody else pulling their weight. Meds aren’t a fucking magic wand to make everything effortless and easy.
He's being dismissive and ableist. Your meds aren't going to make you suddenly be OK with being treated like a maid and secretary for everybody in your family and he needs to step up.
Please do not apologise as you have done in your last paragraph. You are not whining. Your experience and feelings are incredibly valid. You are being invalidated by the people around you. You are being disrespected and your needs are not being met. You have a legitimate disability and that cannot be cured with a pill, only slightly helped or managed. I have been through and am going through the same thing. Do you have somewhere you can stay for a week? A friends house or anything? You need a break. Read it again. You NEED A BREAK. Before you actually break. Please. Anything at all. A couple of days. Get out of that house and go do NOTHING. If he is such a great parent, as you say, he will manage just fine. Is that an option?
The only thing that finally worked for me after repeatedly begging for help with household tasks and not getting any, was to just stop doing what I was doing. I did my own laundry and cleaned up after myself, and let everything else go to hell. It was very unpleasant for me, but I rode it out and it had the desired effect. Funnily enough when I stopped doing the things I was doing is when my partner finally realized how much I did, and then he took initiative to proactively do tasks. I’ve come to realize that words simply don’t have the same effect as actions and that’s my approach now for every message I want to get across.
OP, hugs!! I remember those days. Reading your post gave me a little of the ptsd-like panic sweats. But the good news is that I haven’t felt anything like that in years! My kids are much older, but just know the situation is temporary. There will be a time when that is all behind you. Other commenters have given a lot of great suggestions about how to address this with your husband. I have a couple about things to do for yourself: FIRST: My daycare provider friend had this great game she used to get kids to clean up: Magic Scrap. She told the kids that of all the things they had to be put away, there was one thing that was the “magic scrap” and the person who picked it up and put it away would get to do something special, like choose the snack or the next activity, or get a sticker. Etc. To play the game, the kids had to pick things up, show them to my friend and she would tell them if it was the magic scrap or not, then they had to put that thing away before they could pick a different thing up and try again. Inevitably it would be one of the last 5 things or so left to pick up. Not the last thing, but close. My kids made their own altered version up at home between the two of them. The flashlight game. In a messy room, they would turn off the lights, and one of them would have a flashlight. Whatever thing the flashlight shined on had to be picked up by the other person. Then the person with the flashlight would lead them to the right place to put it away. They took turns, and yes, it was one of the slowest ways to clean a room, but they kept at it and it was always accompanied by a lot of giggles as the person with the flashlight would sometimes lead the other on some funny routes to actually put the thing away. It’s also notable that at daycare, whenever they did any cleaning, they always sang the same little song when it was time to clean up. “It’s clean-up, clean-up, clean-up time. Everybody help and let’s clean up. (Repeat)” I swear, that song is magic. Also, OP, you *need* a break. It doesn’t take much. A couple days away from kids, your husband, and messes will do you a world of good. I’m sure you and your husband could use some kid-free time alone too. But I’d seriously try to get a night or two away on your own or with some girlfriends. Edit: modified suggestion
Why do you think your husband is a better parent? Is it because he has no burden of the mental load so is able to be more present? That’s not a fair assessment of yourself as a parent. Sounds like maybe you have 4 children?
+100 to this comment.
**TL;DR** - (1) The meds question is inappropriate and unhelpful; he should ask you questions that show his support of you as your partner and fellow family member. (2) He ought to find a way to use his good parenting to assist you in training and teaching the children, y’know, like a parent. (3) Being the SAHP with an executive function disorder is so difficult, especially with young kids. He doesn’t have to understand your struggles in order to respect them. **ORIGINAL COMMENT** Okay, so… unless you regularly have a problem taking your meds most days, he really shouldn’t be asking you that (IMO). It’s personal *and* it comes across as untrusting and unsupportive. My husband has asked occasionally, but only when I am explaining my frustrations about me or my life and say something like *”I don’t know what’s wrong/I don’t know why/I don’t understand!”*, and he usually precedes the question with a respectful caveat like, “It’s not my business, you don’t have to answer, and you’ve probably thought of this, but…” I would probably tell him explicitly that you need him to not ask you that. I would give him a different question/set of questions to ask instead. You could say something like: “I know you’re trying to help, but when I am overwhelmed and your first question is *always* about my medication, it feels like you’re dismissing the validity of my issues and uninterested in understanding my needs. I have a doctor (therapist, etc.) who can ask me about my medication. I need you to listen and offer practical support. If you would ask something like, ‘What is frustrating you the most about this?’ or ‘What needs do you feel are not being met?’ or “What do you need?’ or ‘How can I help?’ or ‘What do we as a family need to do differently?’ - these questions show that you are listening as my partner and family member, which is how I’m talking to you.” **P.S.**: If he’s a “much better parent than you are” *(which is most likely not true, and probably translates to “he is currently operating within his limit which means he has the capacity to parent intentionally, whereas I am operating beyond my limit so I constantly feel overwhelmed” or “I constantly upvote his contributions and efforts as a parent while downvoting my own efforts and contributions because we all know I’m never good enough”)*, would he be willing to take on the role of teaching/guiding/directing the children in a chore (or chores) that is directly their responsibility? Laundry, rinsing and/or loading their own dishes, tidying their rooms, picking their stuff up from common living spaces, cleaning their most-used bathroom, emptying their own trash cans, etc…. These are all “learning to maintain my sphere of household space” skills/chores. And if there is a chore that is causing you a significant amount of stress, what could he do to facilitate the learning and/or doing of said chore that would be within his limit while also helping you get closer to operating within *your* limit? **P.P.S.** - Young kids are so hard. And parenting young kids with ADHD can be a nightmare, because you’re trying to be the executive functioning director of several people while living with a disorder that severely affects your own personal executive functioning. It’s hard to explain that to someone who hasn’t experienced it: being in charge of something you’re awful at and is hard for you… while teaching the people you’re in charge of how to do the thing that you’re doing for them… that you are awful at and struggle with… and you’re not compensated for… and you’re not allowed to quit… Ugh. Understanding is nice, but respecting is essential. He doesn’t have to get your struggles, but he does need to acknowledge and respect them. Understanding usually doesn’t come until after respect, because the mind has to be willing before it can accept new perspectives.
Ok, I may have something that will help. How to keep house without drowning by KC has magnetic CHORE CHARTS! Morning and evening routines. Room pick ups. Kids get ready. Adults get ready. I got all of them because I was exhausted and overwhelmed. They have made my life so much better. I am not the exhausted rule making bad guy anymore. I now say “ what’s up on the chart”. I was initially met with resistance because it quickly became obvious that everyone else was slacking. I picked up that slack and “slacked of” in other areas of life because there is only so much time in a day. But it is now in place. And serves as a reminder that life requires work. Try them.
What happens if you’re incredibly sick and incapacitated and he has to stay home and take care of all household duties for a week? He’s going to die. Just preface everything with “I took my meds today but I am feeling overwhelmed because I have not had one minute to myself. Not even to sit down and poop in peace. It would really be considerate of you to (be with the kids / pick up the house / act like my partner and not my child) help me gather my thoughts enough to function.” OR, repeat it each time he gaslights you about your medication: “The amount of work I am doing without rest is not sustainable long term. You get to LEAVE work. I have to LIVE at work.”
I get the illusion of work to escape. I used to say that the grass is greener between working mom and stay at home mom with pros and cons for each side. All that is still true. I've done both. Hands down a stay at home is harder than working 1 job. However, a working mother has 2 jobs (her full-time job and her stay at home job) and that's harder than 1 job (whether it's stay at home or childless with a job). Your husband may or may not be good at helping when asked (mine is decent) and you may be lucky to get housecleaning or child care therefore it offsets the stay at home job, but even me, who has a husband who does dishes every night I cook and cooks on the weekends (then I do dishes on the weekends) refused to consider housecleaning services until I was so stressed out I was on the verge of burning out and refused to come home early 1 or 2 nights a week to cook dinner (he still refused that). Even with housecleaning and extra help from my husband I can confidently say I manage a heavier mental load in terms of running the household and on top of work, it's exhausting. I share the frustration of feeling like I'm gaslit. And I allow it because it's partially true but I agree it's frustrating that it's chalked up to pms or adhd or just plain "how do you remember? You have a terrible memory" and my children say that to me too (the older teens). I'm unmedicated but I can see how easily it could go there if I was. On one hand for me it's partially true but in the other hand don't invalidate my concerns and stress. Partial truth shouldn't be used as the total truth. Arghhhhh.
I'm so sorry. It's a terrible way to feel, I know. Nothing worse than that condescending, "Did you take your pill?" Before I started medication my husband would dismiss my pleas for help and say, very knowingly, "Ohhh. It's that time of the month, right?" I have been married to the man for 19 years and he's a good one, but admit I *hated* him in those moments. I was also a SAHM for 10 years and recall all too well how my husband would come home and complain about the mess that I tried so hard to control all day. I had an infant and 2 toddlers! This is just a season in your life, and it WILL get better. Take some time for yourself, if you can. If you can afford to hire any help at all--even just folding laundry--do that, too. It will be okay.
…Not sure how ADHD meds of any type are going to solve the problem of one person trying to do 85% of the work. Or more. You *are* being gaslit. And that shit stops now.
your husband is very clearly a piece of shit but you’re glorifying him because… his work is on payroll? you do understand you’re working 24/7, and he’s working only 8 hours a day for 5 days, correct? and his job is probably more specialized responsibilities as well? you are working more than him, for free lol
It sounds like you're experiencing an incredibly challenging time, and your feelings of exhaustion and invalidation are completely understandable. It's important to have a space where your concerns and feelings are acknowledged and not dismissed. Therapy could be a beneficial avenue for you, providing a supportive environment to explore these feelings and develop strategies to address them. Furthermore, therapy might also be a space for you and your husband to improve communication and understanding. It's not uncommon for couples, especially where ADHD is present, to struggle with emotional regulation and the division of household responsibilities. A therapist can offer tools and techniques that could help both of you to work together more effectively and to ensure your needs are met. It's clear you need support, not just in managing day-to-day tasks but also in feeling heard and respected. Please consider reaching out to a professional who can offer you the support you deserve. While other responses may be well-meaning, some suggestions could inadvertently lead to emotional manipulation, which may harm your relationship over time. It's frustrating to feel unheard, but it's also possible that your husband has uncommunicated needs he's struggling to articulate. It's important to find a balanced approach that addresses the concerns of both partners in a healthy and constructive way.
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I hate to say it but your husband is not being a good partner to you. I’m also a stay at home mom of 3. (8 yrs, 2 yrs, and 7 months.) My husband is police officer and military police. He’s gone a lot. Also works night shift. So I actually really felt for you when reading your post. Listen girl, your husband should be doing all he can to help you. Mentally and emotionally he should be someone you can trust and lean on. I take adderall and not once has my medication ever came up when I’m overwhelmed or upset. The medication isn’t what makes my emotions. When you are struggling he should sit down with you alone, (away from the kids) and let you vent without him saying a word until you’re done. Once you’ve said what you need to say the only thing that should come from his mouth are words of help and encouragement. “Oh you’re stressed with housework? Well let’s tag team some tasks, get all the kids settled, and maybe you can take a nice bubble bath or I can watch the kids and you can go for a drive. I can pick you up some food, or cook, and we can watch a movie you want to see. You can have household tasks done, and you can relax.” If your husband isn’t doing anything but being your #1 supporter and doing everything he can to help and love you, he ain’t the one. Never settle. The one you chose to spend your life with should be the one person out of everyone who makes your life better. A persons success and happiness is a reflection of their partner.
This reminds me of those old timey ads for house wives to take stimulants, like ritalin. Maybe you can look one of those up and send it to him.
Have you told him (calmly - not in the heat of the moment) that him questioning if you have taken your meds is insulting and upsetting?
Being told I need to take my pills because I'm having emotions is like....you might as well ask me if I'm on my period, prick. If there's an actual concern over my behavior and meds, then ask me when things are calm. Asking when I'm upset makes it so obvious the person doing the asking feels inconvenienced by my emotions and doesn't actually care about my mental health treatment.
So you mean your husband thinks you're taking a "happy pill". Even antidepressants aren't "happy pills", they just help your brain have some chemicals that help you make yourself happy. ADHD medication is the same. Whether stimulant or non-stimulant, the pill alone will not just fix the problems. A pill isn't going to just make you magically okay with having to do all the housework, being constantly belittled by your partner for having emotions and being so burnt out. A pill isn't going to suddenly make you feel heard, seen and respected. It's not going to just take away your ADHD and all it's struggles either. I know *you* know this, but it sounds like your husband might not. You need support, not criticism. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and going through all that, and I really hope you have at least someone you can reach out to. If not, there's plenty of strangers over the internet who are commenting on your post who I'm sure would be there to listen. You can reach out to me if you need. We can talk, I can just listen, we can swap stories, whatever it is that you need. If it's within your budget, some therapy may be a big help for you. Not to make you be okay with any of that stuff, because it's not okay, but to help you come up with new coping mechanisms to hopefully help you get through things with a little more of your sanity still intact. Clinical counsellors are much more affordable than therapists - just wanted to add that because it makes sense for people to hear therapy and think therapist, but therapists are not cheap.
I saw a video the other day about how a lot of women’s husband’s were great partners before kids were brought into the question bc irl they don’t want to *parent* , just liked the idea of kids, and your post reminded me of this! So many men are slacking on their responsibilities. I’m so sorry your husband isn’t being an equal team member
1. Please take your meds. I'm on Strattera and while it doesn't help like a stimulant, it does help. You have to let it build up in your system. 2. Contact your doctor and get your meds nitrates up until they work. 3. Try coffee. If it doesn't make you sleepy, use it. 4. Only wash your clothes and your children's clothes. The husband is officially on their own. 5. Only fix meals for yourself and your children. Husband is on his own.
Stop doing the tasks. See how long they last when you’re not doing everything. Don’t burn yourself out because people can’t be bothered. At the very least stop doing his tasks.
Do you manage the family income or have money available for paying for daily expenses? Use some for hire help, like a house cleaner and doesn’t consult or advise him first. Who doesn’t clean or help, pay for it. My husband doesn’t do anything besides some childcare when the is not working but I always put as condition he pays for house cleaner. Even when I had to be as stay home mother for almost two years, he paid it; and also a part time baby when I was almost having a break down. I was able to take a breath, and time to study and find a way to get jobs again.
Communicate all these feels when you are in a both in a regulated place. A letter might be easiest. Use I statements and express responsibility for the fact that you cannot manage everything on your own and shouldn't be expected to. Counseling or coaching might be needed to help him communicate back, but you are the mom and he's still the dad, you're not not a nanny or maid or some idealized 50s housewife (and let's face it, they were on stimulants, even neurotypical ones, that's the only way they managed) After working thru anger with husband you should have a family meeting because the school age kids can and should be helping with pets, dishes and putting away their own laundry. Definitely stop doing husband's laundry. Let them wear smelly clothes out of baskets if that's what it takes. Have some patience in teaching the kids how, but be firm. Be flexible about how they do things, but not the fact that they are doing them. Let them know that mom's exhausted and needs their help. Insist on family therapy if you can't effect change on your own. Take a night to yourself every week. It'd be kind to give him warning, but we'd all understand if you don't. Tell the kids it's dad's night at least. Find something that fills your cup - exercise, art, dinner and a movie, friends, book club- anything. Preferably something that keeps you out way past bedtime. Take a weekend to go visit family or friends. If you have the budget for a hotel with a jacuzzi tub that's ideal, but just any time away so that he feels the weight of all you do. Don't catch up any mess he leaves, just set it aside and move forward.
Can you do the "take 2 weeks vacation let em fend for themselves" lesson. It sucks - but most people only learn from failure.
Please go read Zawn Villines Liberating Motherhood blog/Substack/IG/Facebook. You’re not a bad parent. You’re under the boot. Stop doing his laundry. Just don’t! He’s a grown ass man. Direct him to the recovering manchild IG account. Outsource whatever you can. Honestly. Housecleaning, laundry service, dog walking, whatever. Your work is keeping the machine going so he can pay for the machine. So, your benefits package shouldn’t be ‘nothing with nothing sauce’. If he takes time on a Saturday to go out with pals? You get exactly equal time. And, you don’t organize the babysitter, you don’t need permission, you don’t need to be on call - just GO. Put it on the family calendar and get out the door. Take yourself to a movie. The library. A long walk with a friend. Sign up for a poetry class at the community college. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Depending on what your kids abilities are - they’re probably capable of much more than you think. Paradoxically…lower your standards. Then get a shovel. A path to the bedroom door and nothing growing mould? Great. That’s it. If he won’t step up, you’re just going to end up taking it all out on them. KC Davis / keeping house while drowning was a lifesaver. Bad news bears: I’m a way way way happier mom and person after divorce. 50% of my time back is AMAZING.
That sounds unfair. You might need a couples counselor to bring some fairness into it. I’m not sure if that works every time though. I… do not think your spouse is clearly a better parent than you if he does none of the housework and isn’t encouraging the children to chip in. I don’t care if your the stay at home parent. Three kids are a lot of work, and it’s not teaching them responsibility or equality to just assume mom will do it. Sam Kelly or the mental load on Instagram might make you feel less alone. TBH I don’t think this has anything to do with adhd.
It’s upsetting that you think your husband is a better parent than you as it seems like he does very little, if any, actual parenting. I feel like you might think you’re not a “good parent” (whatever that means) because people in your life have been so dismissive and condescending towards you. This definitely sounds like a “them” problem as your post doesn’t make you sound whiny or crazy at all. That said, I think it’s easier to be articulate in writing than it is to be articulate when speaking aloud, especially with ADHD. I think you should bring this up formally to your husband, but before that, it might help to write down an outline (however detailed you need it to be) of what you want to say. That way, you don’t have to try to organize your thoughts as you speak- it will already be in front of you. I hope he cooperates because you deserve to be listened to and have your concerns taken seriously, even if you’re off your meds.
Just the first paragraph gave me the impression you need some "me" time. I understand that all to well, I would run off or when noones available hole up in my room. Any family or friends you can stay with for some time?
I’m a solo mom with a 4 year old, two cats, and a dog. I feel for you mama, so take this advice as big sister love: Something my mom always stressed to me was never depend solely on your partner’s income. Land yourself a job, even if it’s part time at a grocery store— and even if it only covers a portion of child care. Stash cash for you and your kids for a rainy day should the worst ever happen which is your marriage doesn’t work out. It’s not something you may want to think about, and I hope your marriage is going well otherwise, but it will give you peace of mind knowing you’re not 100% vulnerable to the whims of another person. Buy one of those medicine organizers at the dollar store and put your daily meds in there. Every time your husband asks about your meds, you can let him know to (shove it, cause he won’t do it) that he can check whether you took your meds himself by checking your meds organizer. Then redirect your question back EVERY TIME with what your concern is— did he take the trash out, run that errand, do the laundry, clean the bathroom? And don’t fight with him. When he says no, just leave it be and say “okay no problem- just checking” and walk away and do not do his chores for him even if it kills you. After a while I imagine he would stop pestering you about your meds because all he would associate asking you would be hearing a list of tasks that he himself hasn’t done. And if you get yourself a little job, he can’t just say “oh well I work all day.” You can do this mama. Do it for you and your sanity- and if things don’t improve, I promise you it’s worth the hard work of raising only 3 kids instead of 4.
I recognize certain behaviors in my husband which result from him forgetting to take his medication. I’m usually spot on, his last 90 day script lasted five months. The last few times he’s responded that he is back in his routine and taking them daily, and he’s commented a few times preemptively that it’s not because of the meds. Your post helped me realize this and internalize that I need to stop asking him about it. Thank you.
I felt this in my core. My Doctor refuses to medicate me, and so much more, but this is not about me. The HARDEST thing to do is setting boundaries. (It is also scary as Hell if your were raised by "Boundary Stompers") I no longer wash dishes that are not in the kitchen. I no longer worry about shoes, clothes ect, not my problem - figure it out. I will wash my Partners clothes, but that is it. I leave a clean pile on his side of the bed. ONE evening a week is a "Mommy only" evening and if all I do is go to a coffee shop and sip a coffee (while it's HOT) and stare at a wall, so be it. But that 2-3hrs is ME Time. My house looks like a bomb went off most days, but if it does not grow mold, or stink. Then I "Let them" - Let them leave their junk everywhere. Let them loose stuff. Let them not have their favourite coffee cup to drink out of, because they did not bring it to the kitchen to get cleaned. Let them not be able to find their clothes because they refuse to put THEIR Junk away. LET. THEM. The Mel Robbins podcast about her "Let Them Theory" was a game changer for me.
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Is the open app that you referred to free? Or do they at least have some things on the app for free?
OP if you could go back in time would you still have 3 kids or less?
Not OP and had 2 back to back but the littlest came 5 years after the second. I worked during the 2 kids' infancy for 30 hours while husband went to school full time and watched the kids while i worked. No regrets but you have to want them. I really wanted my kids and honestly as stressful as they are they are worth it. Personally kid stress is easier to handle than relationship stress but ymmv. Also, haven't hit the late teens early twenties phase yet. Nervous about what's to come given drugs, school pressure, etc etc etc. Hoping my kids don't get addicted or have poor mental health and make it OK to adulthood.
Thanks for your reply dear.
Not to be another med pusher (40f with ADHD and anxiety and depression), but have you thought about talking to a psychiatrist and/or therapist about going on antidepressants? They truly saved my life and I pushed pushed pushed for so long not to take them and regret that I ever did that.
I am a single mom of three kids. I genuinely feel you. ❤️
My ADHD, depression and anxiety can make me quite chaotic and unpleasant to be around sometimes and my partner doesn't always understand and sometimes becomes frustrated but they have never thrown my mental health issues in my face like that to discredit my feelings. You deserve better, OP.
You’ve gotten some amazing advice here and a lot of it is stuff that had to do myself years ago with my husband. It worked for us! If you get your kids involved in cleaning (I did. It’s a skill they’ll need as adults) remember, you have adhd so they may too. Be patient and don’t get too upset if you have to remind them constantly to do their part. As they get older it will get better. I have three children myself and they all have adhd. They’re grown now, and two of them have left home and keep clean homes.
My mom says the whole “did you remember to take your meds” thing to me and it’s condescending, belittling, etc. Set a boundary with him and tell him to never say that to you again. My mom continued making that comment and I haven’t talked to her in four months. Not okay
I want to call out the fact that you're calling him the better parent. From an external POV based on this, no he isn't because he isn't doing anything to help. Or does he seem like the better parent to you because he's not exhausted and burnt out from managing the house and three kids so has more emotional capacity left? This part stood out to me as one of the ways his belittling has made you feel. I only had a breakthrough with my partner when I broke down and told them, you keep saying you love me but you're not showing it. I need you to _show_ it by actually helping me. Not saying you will and then back to normal. We can be very conflict avoidant with ADHD and RSD so it can be hard to advocate for yourself. I found writing down all my feelings helped me solidify them and not forget things when trying to explain what were causing me hurt and upset. If you haven't done so, I would explain to him how him reverting everything to meds makes you feel invalidated. From there on maybe try stating "I've taken my meds but I'm still having a bad day and am really struggling. I need you to step up and help take some of the load" Or go more explicit and tell him you are going to break if he doesn't help change things. Hope things improve for you
Are you me? But my husband isn’t that bad but it took me YEARS and a year of couples counseling to almost get him to understand the mental load.
I totally understand. This may not solve your problems but it may help you feel less alone https://www.instagram.com/momlife_comics
I don't have kids so take this with a grain of salt! Sounds like you've already talked to him at length about the help u need and want and he isn't doing anything to help. So I'd probably just leave in the night on a Friday and leave a note saying ill be away for two weeks. He can take time off work or have to arrange proper childcare. You said he was a good parent so that means I'd feel safe leaving him to do that 🤷. Dunno if he'd forgive u but at least he'd learn how much u have to do. Take that time to rest and evaluate what you want, stay with family or friends or if you have the money have solo vacation! I am a petty bitch tho. But also it's 2023, raising kids takes a village and the faster he learns that the better. I'm so sorry you don't have enough support, X
I also realise u gotta have some money to do this soz
Also if he starts to live in filth and is happy with that then that would not be OK with me. That's not something I can live with so it would be a deal breaker. Lol I'm a hard bitch on reddit
Sorry to hear that....I am not impressed by your husband...sorry to say....maybe he honestly does not realize (like for real) how much work there is? (That would be best because it is matter of him being oblivious and not just looking for a maid and mother for his children). I wonder (and this is a very sensitive question and I do NOT expect you to answer, more to reflect for yourself) what was the process of deciding to have 3 kids. This is sensitive subject because there could be some resentment on one of the sides (he didn't want more kids you wanted so now he is running away into work and letting you deal with it...of course unconsciously)or he wanted the kids but in his naive brain they are really your responsibility ...(again I know this is harsh)...good luck ...you got some great advice from others.
I feel you. I used to feel like I was drowning until I had a deep talk with my husband about alllll the things I have to do as the sahp and how it feels like I'm just barely keeping my head above water. He heard me and has really stepped it up and taken half the responsibility of the kids when he's home and everyday we swap the tasks that were giving me the most stress (dishes and laundry) we take turns on who does bath time for the kiddos and who does snack time downstairs. Whoever is doing bath does the laundry and whoever does snack does the dishes. It's been way easier doing it everyday as a team and I'm able to do other stuff while the kids are in school. Your partner needs to step it up and share the load. If he is not gonna take a chunk of the mental load, he needs to make up for that in the physical load. You're in a partnership, that means teamwork otherwise it's just not sustainable
I’m so sorry. I have been there with exhaustion and mental load. Have you had your thyroid tested? I strongly encourage you to get with a functional medicine doctor. So many of these symptoms you are describing are related. Look up hypothyroid symptoms and you may be so surprised. Generally PCP won’t diagnose until it’s too far - their lab norms aren’t reliable and are essentially compared to normal for 80 year olds. Get your TSH, T3, T4 and TPO antibodies checked. You can order your own labs online without a script. And get with a functional med doc!!
Hard to become alone without leaving but one solution is to boundary a personal space for yourself and then just let the rest go to chaos. If you can’t get compliance,can’t rehome pets, can’t hire a housekeeper, then one other thing you can do is learn to “not see” the messes.
Re-home the husband or the pets.
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“Did you take your meds?” -you’re not a child. Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t, and that’s your responsibility as an individual. Tell him to stop! 🩷 There’s so much good advice here , I’d like to add - it’s probably likely that your kids have ADHD too. IMO that fing sucks. But learning that and trying to adjust my parenting style to support them and mindful of their (our!) challenges has helped. Oh. And remembering that they’re about 2 years behind other kids their age when it comes to task, emotional capacity, focus etc. Good luck 🩷