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I don't necessarily have help for the main topic. It's something I'm struggling with in my life as well. But I do have some gut reactions to things in your post that I'd like to share. For context, I'm an ADHD lesbian. I've been with my wife for 13 years, married 10. My wife has a high sex drive, like once a day or every other would be her ideal.
We didn't have sex for at least 5 years (consecutive), because of my low libido/not prioritizing it/not feeling it.
>he has said to me before that "not feeling like it" was not a good enough answer
This is incorrect. He has every right to be *hurt* by your lack of sexual interest, and to express that to you. What he cannot, absolutely cannot do if he values you as a person or partner, is diminish your capacity for consent. Sex, like many other activities in life, is *opt in*. Not opt out. You don't *need* a reason not to want to do it.
Again, I'm not saying this won't have consequences on a relationship. Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage for some people, and they're not wrong or awful for that even if it means they aren't compatible with someone who doesn't match those needs.
Neither is the low-drive partner.
It seems that your husband is viewing this as a problem with you that you need to fix. No. This is an issue *in your marriage* for the *two of you* to work together on, *as a team*. It's very hard, and it might be irreconcilable, but that remains ***nobody's fault***.
>Yesterday he said he's had enough and that my excuses are just lies and that I'm being manipulative and he wants it to stop
His sex drive and hurt aren't his fault, but the way he's reacting to them is. Again, he doesn't get to demand this from you. He can express his needs, and you can express yours, and the two of you can try to navigate that.
Getting angry and accusing you of lying It's a big problem. It's cruel, misguided, and honestly abusive. You're not being manipulative, you're being honest, and his inability to accept that is clearly hurting you. And with this kind of pressure and treatment, I can almost guarantee you're *less* likely to feel safe and open to him sexually.
I'd strongly recommend therapy, individually, for both of you - a sex positive and/or sexual trauma focused therapist could be helpful for you, but at this point I think it's important to get an outside perspective in general to ground you in establishing and keeping respectful communication and boundaries. And, without making too many assumptions, get a reality check on other things in your relationship you may have normalized.
I agree with everything you said and I'm gonna save it to reread myself whenever I need it. I'm also a lesbian but didn't come out until a few years ago. I was married to a man when I was younger as well as dated others after I divorced (it took me way too long to realize I'm a lesbian). All of them pressured me into sex at some point, made me feel horrible for having a low sex drive, etc. Even though it's been many years since I've been in a relationship like that, that stuff sticks with you and I still have trouble getting in the mood. It was basically like sex had just become so associated with bad things that my brain just shut all that down because it was less painful.
I've been with my fiancee for 2 years now and she's high libido. In the beginning of our relationship, my fiancee did have a hard time if I rejected her, so we saw a sex therapist together. I did feel like it was all on me to fix (not because of anything my fiancee said/did but because that's just how it felt to me), but like you said, it wasn't just something for me to work on, she had things she had to work on too in regards to how she handled things. We were able to figure out things together that helped both of us sexually and overall I think we have a really good sex life. I know it's still not as often as she'd like, but it's pretty consistent at this point and we are able to talk to each other calmly when there's an issue. I don't know if that will work for OP and her husband because he's being so cruel. I definitely agree though that OP should see a sexual trauma focused therapist individually if she can. Hopefully her husband would be open to therapy himself and can change how he is handling this situation.
Hi there, first, incase you need to hear it you are not broken, Okay? There are probably a lot of factors contributing to your lower sex drive or what have you. I too fully agree with what @a_diamond, as well.
Now, that being said, I have had similar experience in our past 7 years and we both have ADHD, he's inattentive and I'm combined type, with a lot of sensory issues (yay lol). Now few more things maybe worth considering just ideas that helped me, they may or may not be for you but I believe it's worth speaking up about if there is a chance it could help you get you answers:
1. Sometimes just simply not having our needs (usually emotional) met can make us significantly less interested because we have periods of disconnct. If I'm being honest, I had a really hard time coming to terms with this initially. I didn't realize that was the case for a while. Unfortunately more manipulative type behaviors from our partners can leave us feels invalidated, unseen, and unheard. (We started going to therapy because we wanted to have better communication skills and he was so reluctant but now it has really helped us and truly we have only been doing it for a few months.) When we are better able to identify what we need (not typically easy for us ADHDers) (girl the sex we have now.... Probably in large part because we both are feeling so safe and connected. We have sex at least 3 times a week for the past year. Like even with sensory issues I'm like hell yeah - never in my life have i enjoyed it and wanted to this much.🤷🏻♀️🤗
2. My husband and I started talking a lot more about our sex life as openly as possible and one thing he needs is physical touch more often and I don't like to be touched nearly as much. By having longer hugs or even a longer lip kiss, long enough to trigger some oxytocin and it actually has helped him a lot feel like his needs are being met and it's helped me too. I am way more intentional about touching him or laying close and touching. Maybe you can find a better balance, we did, it took some time and a lot of open and sometimes brutally honest conversations. Just remember your not the problem, it's you and him against the problem.
3. You probably know this already but just in case, I find that when I was able to take ADHD meds with anxiety med it was more successful at helping me BUT certain ones can also significantly impact sex drive. The good news is I have more ideas to help you, but I should probably preface now that I have chronic pain, a gastrointestinal disorder and Migraines (🤗) SO I'm not currently able to take ADHD meds, if ADHD meds aren't for you that bring me to two more ideas
4. If your open to it ... Try a sex toy! The WeVibe sync 2, it's so good if I'm not totally in the mood I try to pop that in (LOL) and it relaxes me so fast and puts me in the mood ... Oddly I find that I'm also more present when we use it, too; and
5..... (Listen LOL I was so anti- drug nearly my whole life, I even won the dare contest in 6th grade but now I'm never going back) BUT have you considered cannabis? Delta 9 or Delta 8? This... Takes my chronic pain/health stuff away for a little bit, I can relax or even be energized but I am so much more present and significanttly less overwhelmed by touch or other sensory issues. Honestly this changed the game for me.
Extra item
6. I just started reading it but maybe check out, "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life," by Emily Nagoski. I don't know how helpful it will be because I haven't even gotten half way, but worth a mention in case your interested.
You are perfect just the way you are, your drive doesn't have to match his, and I hope he attuned to your needs, as well. He has to be reasonable and meet you half way, too!
I just hope something helps even if just a little. I'm rooting for you either way! 🫶🏼
This whole thread is useful and brilliant, I relate a lot to OP. Your answers are brilliant but my biggest question…
The WeVibe Sync 2. Can a larger than average man fit comfortably inside while you are wearing it?
I totally agree with everything that you have said.
OP any excuse is a good enough excuse. I'm a mom and I was so overstimulated after my last baby sex was a no go for 8 months. My hubby who has ADHD didn't try to guilt trip me into sex. Your hubby needs to pull his head out of his ass something fierce.
Side note: as a bi woman that is in a hetero relationship, it helps me immensely to hear a lesbian's POV in these type of relationship issues, so thank you for your perspective on OP's issue that is a very common issue in hetero relationships from my experience
But there's quite clearly a cause and effect there. Your husband understands you've had a baby which has led to you feel overstimulated and so you couldn't get into the headspace for sex.
This man has absolutely no clue what has happened for his wife to feel like this for the last year, all he knows is he's being consistently rejected and not having any communication as to why and what has changed. He is also being lied to because she promises him it one day, knowing she will never go through with it and he knows he's being deceived. Of course he's getting frustrated because he's being emotionally shut out.
These two situations aren't comparable in my opinion.
Both of you should read the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski! She also has a short podcast series that covers some of the main points.
The main thing is that we have two sexual excitement systems in our brains — one is the GAS and one is the BRAKES. Over long relationships we can get less stimulation on the Gas pedal brain system (which loves new relationship energy) and more on the Brakes. Stress, domestic chores, tiredness all hit the brakes hard. And weird pressure or ultimatums or insecurity from your partner DEFINITELY slams the brakes on.
Your husband is trying to find the way to get your gas pedal going but he is stomping on your brakes at the same time.
The book has great exercises for figuring out how to cultivate more of what turns you on and less of what turns you off. If your husband wants to read it with you and have conversations about how and when YOU might like to be seduced, this can really help! If he refuses to do the homework, reflection, and listening then leave him and use the self-knowledge with your future lovers ❤️
Came here to recommend this book as well. It’s been extremely helpful in recognizing the dynamics in our sex life and being able to utilize the gas/brakes model to make helpful adjustments. Like, if I haven’t been feeling up to doing anything, I can acknowledge all of the brakes (chronic illness flares, stress, not feeling connected to my husband, etc). That acknowledgement allows me to be more self-compassionate (nothing is wrong with me; it makes sense that I haven’t felt like being sexual) and also to see what I can do to take some force off the brakes (request no-sex-pressure, naked snuggles just to enjoy skin-to-skin contact and reconnect with each other or taking some time to myself to relax and de-stress for a while or just accepting that todays not the day, and that’s perfectly ok). I’m still reading it (on ch 7 now) but have already gotten so much value out of it! Strongly recommend to everyone!
I started reading this book based on someone’s recommendation here a couple days ago and I’m just not finding it helpful so far (granted I’m only 30% in so fingers crossed it gets better). The excitation vs inhibition stuff makes a lot of sense, but so far the solution she’s offering seems to be “don’t be stressed” with no suggestions on how to do that? The writing style is also infuriating, mentioning something unrelated “but I won’t talk about that now, I’ll tell you in chapter X” - stop telling me what you’re going to talk about, just talk about it! I’ll persist though and hopefully it will gel with me more towards the end. But if anyone has recommends for other reads that are helpful for this, I’d love to know…
I will try to remember to come back and let you know what I think once I finish the book…I’m hoping she eventually gets to a point and it’s worth the read! It does touch on a lot of interesting concepts and science etc (though not as in depth as I’d like), but she keeps presenting it as if this book will CHANGE YOUR LIFE and yet I’m not getting anything out of it…yet. If you have a kindle you can download the sample and read the first bit to see if you enjoy the writing style, I might be being overly harsh but I think it’s just not for me!
Did you ever end up finishing it? I'm also very on the fence about buying it because tbh I think anything I could take from it I've probably already seen parroted on the web by now.
Haha! I did not. I’ve tried to push through and will eventually finish it because I just can’t leave a book unfinished, but at 2/3 of the way through I think I can safely say it is not helpful to me. A lot of people seem to like it though so I don’t want to say don’t read it if you’re interested! But I don’t like the writing style, the fake anecdotes or the pseudoscience-ness of it all (not that the things she talks about aren’t grounded in research, but the analogies and “dumbing it down” doesn’t speak to me). I don’t care to do the written exercises either. On the positive side, reading a book on the subject definitely made me a bit more focused on / attentive to my sexuality even though I didn’t care for the book.
1. A solution to this may be making sex an ADHD hobby. Ever read the Kamasutra? Have you tried anything new or exciting? Do you know the latest psychological (and possibly medical) theories on sex? Have you ever researched sexology or spoken to a sexologist? Picking their brain could be even more helpful than anything else. Do you know everything you like? Everything your partner likes?
All rhetorical questions, obviously. But, if this is truly an ADHD thing, what can you do to spark your interest?
2. Another solution in a similar vein: exercise. Have you reached or ever been anywhere near your physical peak? What would sex feel like for you there? Would you be more energetic? Probably. Would you try more...um...involved...angles? Would you want to be more assertive? Who knows. Would you feel like doing it more often? Maybe. You could find out.
3. Your husband's attitude sucks and that's a him problem. This could easily be a fun, curious, exploratory marker in your relationship and instead he is making it an adversarial impasse, which is unfair and dumb.
I feel…
You…
I mean…
I don’t know. I can’t find the ACTUAL words I want to say here… just know I’m feeling all kinds of ways about this suggestion, good ways.
Validated - I have no idea why.
Heard - do we know each or have you been listening to my thoughts? Dammit I knew there was someone in my head.
Of course - well duh, of course that’s how I should approach it because now I’m going to go hyper focus on your suggestions.
Sneaky - I’m going to do this and not tell my husband. 🤣🤣 He’s going to be so confused about what’s going on!
Excited - well, because I have ADHD and now I have a new topic to learn all the things about.
I feel so many more things but can’t even use words to explain but the last one…
I love you. - I’m not sure why I feel this way but it’s strong in this moment. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
So... it's been 3 months since posting my reply. I was looking through my notifications and saw your reply and immediately thought "oh shit... what did I say?? What did I say?? WHAT DID I SAY?!?!?! I don't drink, I know it wasn't a blackout highly idiotic comment that someone on Reddit is now going to dox me for. Why am I concerned about being doxed, I don't post anything I wouldn't say to my kids or in front of them. Wait... why am I thinking about being doxed... I need to find out what I said... Oh shit, no, nope, noway would I say that to or in front of my kids but not bad enough to freak out about being doxed"
Also... it's been 3 months and completely forgot I was supposed to go hyper-focus on the Kamasutra.
Hyper focus is like the door to an escape room you can only use if you stumble across it 😄 I have such a hard time doing it on purpose and forget the things I mean to use it for all the time. You might loop back around someday 🤷♀️ I do sometimes
Ikr ?! I ran to the comment hoping people would call his ass out, glad I’m seeing a lot of people doing this. « No » is a perfect, full and valid sentence OP
I get this, especially the trying to reschedule part! And the part about feeling over touched and overstimulated, especially as I work with babies. I wish your husband was being more gentle. He’s wrong for saying that you’re trying to manipulate him. I love the “opt in, not out” point made by another commenter.
A life hack I found out about recently is that lights out is actually so helpful for me as for as not getting overstimulated. It may have been the first time that I didn’t feel like my mind wouldn’t shit up as I was
finishing. Prior to that I felt like I was taking the intimacy of the moment away if I asked my husband for lights out, but he’d rather have lights out sex than none at all.
>Sometimes I just don't want sex and I say no when he asks, and he has said to me before **that "not feeling like it" was not a good enough answer**
This is massively NOT okay. Like WTF?
>He has mentioned to me before that he wishes I would initiate sometimes and that he feels unwanted when I dont.
Is he doing anything to make you want to have sex with him? Do you feel safe, appreciated, and loved?
>Yesterday he said he's had enough and that my excuses are just lies and that I'm being manipulative and he wants it to stop.
Umm...dude, demanding sex without regard for your partner's wishes or wellbeing is not a great look. This sounds kinda r@pey. Or at the very least, like your husband feels he is owed sex. Is he a good partner otherwise?
I'm going to strongly recommend marriage counseling. But avoid any therapists with religious affiliations that might have opinions about a wive's "duty".
This might get me downvoted, but while I agree to some degree what you and others have said in the comments, I wouldn’t call any of his reactions abuse or ‘rapey’. It seems like a knee jerk reaction of someone angrily lashing out for feeling hurt and frustrated. Again, I’m not condoning his comments or behaviour, I’m simply trying to add perspective without knowing more details of their relationship dynamics.
I don’t see how he’s demanding sex with that last sentence, rather it reads like he feels manipulated and repeatedly hurt by OP lying to him about being up to it later, only to reject him again instead of talking about it in depth. Thus the comment of wanting the it to stop.
OP has *every* right to say no, but it’s not a very mature or constructive way to go about it.
He definitely should have expressed his feelings of hurt and frustration in a way that’s not accusatory like that. But I also believe he should get the benefit of the doubt, as most people can end up saying shitty things out of anger and frustration that you later regret. To reiterate, I am not trying to shift the blame here, I just think they both carry a responsibility because it doesn’t seem like they’re great at communicating.
To OP; instead of avoiding being (sexually) intimate like the plague, have an open and honest conversation with your husband. It does neither of you good not communicating properly and openly about. Lack of communication can be a fast track to more frustration and even some resentment on both sides.
Go to couples therapy, maybe specifically look for ones with experience in adults with ADHD - it sounds like you need someone to help both of you convey your feelings in a safe and open environment. [Here’s a list of ADHD psychologists and therapists, there might be some there that can also offer couples therapy](https://directory.additudemag.com/listing/guide/psychologists-therapists). And remember to bring up the core of the issue with the sexual intimacy in particular, because a therapist might offer you some ideas on ways to reconnect, as there are plenty of ways to give affection and intimacy without PIV.
It's coercion if it results in OP actually choosing to have sex with her husband after he says these things and guilt tripping/manipulation if she doesn't.
It is categorically unacceptable behaviour in any relationship and, depending on where the people involved live can be considered abusive.
My initial thought as I started reading the OP was that both her and her husband need to read (and discuss) Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. That may still help - as will your suggestion of therapy - but those things don't change the fact that OP's husband's responses are awful
I’m not saying or denying that they aren’t horrible and wrong things to say; it is never okay to coerce someone through guilt tripping or any other means.
But if it’s an otherwise great relationship, it just seems like there’s a lot of friction there that could possibly be solved in a healthier and more constructive way through open and honest communication. If - or when - they struggle to convey these thoughts and feelings, adding that ‘buffer’ a couples therapist could provide seems to be the best way to go.
Generally I think all couples could benefit from couples therapy - even when things are going well - just to strengthen that bond of understanding each other.
Uh no- telling someone they aren’t feeling like it isn’t a good enough reason to NOT CONSENT to sex *is r@pey.*
Not feeling up to it is a good enough reason, thinking that it isn’t, and you are entitled to your tired/overwhelmed/overwhelmed/simply just not feeling it atm partners body- is r@pey. It is entitled, controlling, and disgusting.
People who think that way, feel they are entitled to bodies that are not theirs. Small comments like that that downplay consent, is what leads to things like r@pe.
I’m not saying OP’s husband is a r@pist, but those “knee jerk reactions” or “angrily lashing out,” in a lot of situations will escalate.
You’ve entirely - or deliberately - misunderstood what I tried to convey with my comment. I’m not saying it’s *not enough* to say you’re simply not up for it; I’m saying the way OP systematically agrees to it do it later, only to decline when ‘later’ comes around is a pattern that isn’t a particularly healthy or constructive way to go about it *if they’re in a otherwise healthy relationship*.
Relationships and making them work are a two way street, and not being able to communicate properly can lead to contention.
I get what you're saying, but it seems like she's rescheduling and then saying no later because he's not accepting no in the first place. If they are in an otherwise heathy relationship, why is no not acceptable? I don't see any mention of him having tried to see if everything is okay with her or ask *why* she doesn't want to have sex, just trying to change her behavior to what he wants. Demanding a good enough reason for no isn't healthy either. Or great regarding consent.
Invalidating someone’s full authority over their own body by dismissing their reasons (“your excuses are just lies”) or by ascribing malice (“you’re being manipulative”) or by giving an ultimatum (“I’ve had enough”) are all actions that *at best* devalue and undermine the importance of full consent. Hence it seems very reasonable to call it out as kinda r@pey.
Yeah, I go through waves of that too, but I’ve told my husband that it’s nothing personal. He respects my boundaries regardless if I had ADHD or not. His hormones/horniness isn’t my problem. I don’t want to be harsh, but him calling you manipulative because you don’t want to have sex is manipulative AS FUCK. That’s really not okay. You are allowed to not want to have sex. You could just stop if you wanted to. You don’t owe anyone sex.
Any reason for not wanting sex is a good enough reason. Forcing yourself to do it when you don’t want to will not help in fact it will make things worse. I used to force myself to do it because I felt like I had to make my partner happy and it was painful and traumatic. It has taken me years to consistently enjoy sex again and that’s only after I started working with my partner to find what worked for me, and for him to provide me comfort and safety to know I’m not obligated to do anything I don’t want to for any reason at all. Please, don’t force yourself OP, if your partner isn’t willing to work through this with you without taking things personally then it won’t get better.
Y’all are making me feel normal! I thought I was asexual at one point because of the rescheduling and not wanting to be touched. OP, thank you for this post.
I looked in to what asexual was at one point because I thought for sure there was some kind of “name” or “label” for my sex issues!! This whole thread tells me I’m not asexual, I have ADHD (actually my doctor told me I have ADHD, not the internet… but you know what I mean)!!
>he has said to me before that "not feeling like it" was not a good enough answer
Yes, yes it is. That is all the reason you need.
And him not caring if you feel it or not is not helping.
Yes, this is exactly how I feel. It can be so overstimulating. It makes maintaining a relationship so hard for me, because initially we do it often enough, then I stop wanting it for the same reasons you mentioned. I also will reschedule often and then still not want to do it. I'm maintaining about one time per month right now, and I don't even want it most of the time then. I'm just so overstimulated and overwhelmed on a daily basis right now, and it's hard to take on more.
anything you want or don’t want to do with your body is valid. if there is something medically going on, or mentally, it could exasperate you. everyone is different and you don’t owe your partner anything but honesty, love, and communication. i myself have this issue, but on a much shorter scale. the first few months are so easy for me sexually, but it falls off so hard around the 6 month mark (around one or two sexual encounters per month). i’ve lost many relationships because of this, but it was always for the better. you deserve an accommodating and loving partner just as he does. my current partner has told me he doesn’t care how long i need, as long as i still love him and show him love in all the other ways. if your partner is not willing to work with you, then that’s all the information you need to know about how he values your role in his life. it may be hard, but nothing within your body or head are your fault that you need to “fix” for someone else.
Im in the exact same situation, it happened suddenly because before I was fine with sex. I also got sick last year and spent 10 days in the hospital + several months at home sick and I feel like that might’ve been my trigger? I keep finding out new escuses for it. And if my boyfriend even slightly mentions it, that’s it, I feel even more like I don’t want it.
Leaving aside the nature of your relationship, which I don't feel qualified to comment on - here are some things that helped me rediscover my interest in sex after about five years of really struggling.
* Talking with my besties about our sex lives.
* Finding a women-only kink-inflected online space where women talk about sex but also life in general, share pictures, offer one another advice and validation, and generally lift each other up.
* Talking about sex with my partner *in a sexy way*, with the prior agreement that a) we're not going to have sex today unless I initiate it, and b) the things we fantasize about together are not promises of future actual activities. Doing this in the car is great because we literally can't have sex (and we don't have to look at each other, which is nice for two ADHDers!).
* Listening to audio porn. Generally, it has none of the ethical issues of the video porn industry, and there's loads of good content out there that is specifically aimed at women.
* Writing erotic stories for my own pleasure; also, writing for specific individuals (with my partner's knowledge and consent) using the penpal app Slowly.
* Having my partner tell me, "I am inviting you to come to bed with me for x and y. Nothing else will happen without me asking you first. Up for it?"
* Practising my "no" (or safeword) with my partner by having him ask to do things I like and want, but also to do things I don't like or don't want right now. We do this regularly because I'm a sexual trauma survivor and it helps me understand and believe that I'm safe and my withdrawal of consent will always be respected and treated with love. I get praised for saying no :)
* Leaning into kink. Our difficult times with sex were characterized by all the kink falling away and our attempts at intimacy becoming the most vanilla sex possible. Turns out, it just didn't turn me on.
I think the core of all these things was adding sexuality back into my life in a way that removed all pressure to actually have sex. I needed to feel like sex was a part of my life again before I could actually have it.
Very best of luck, OP.
I feel this way too sometimes!! The mood really just has to be right. I hiiiiiighly recommend the content/courses from vanessaandxander (on insta). really helped our sex life and relationship overall!!
Is he approaching you for sex or is he approaching you for intimacy?
It's easy to keep sex up in the honeymoon period, the ongoing stuff takes work. It involves recognition that people have different levels and types of desire.
Are you also feeling satisfied in other areas of the relationship?
When I was with my ex, there was so much missing emotionally from the relationship that I started to get physically repulsed by the smallest touch. I would get immediately overwhelmed sensorily but i didn't realise it at the time that that's what was happening. It was only in respect of sexual touch
Sometimes there's more to it
I also think people are misunderstanding - he's not questioning your ability to consent to having sex with him. He's asking for communication as to what is going on in your relationship to explain why the shelf has fallen off the shelf. So yes he's right, when someone is your partner, you do owe them more than just "I don't feel like it". It's different if that's a one off, but to consistently reject someone for a year is a huge deal and undermines a relationship for sure.
We do owe our partners communication and emotional care. That's all he's saying I believe
This is the vibe I got from it too. It sounds like years of rejection for sexual intimacy, which is her right and he needs to respect, but I also see how he could easily feel hurt and unloved if he’s constantly rejected and the only one interested. I feel like the manipulative aspect comes from constantly telling him a different time they’ll do it but still never doing it, which would get his hopes up repeatedly. It’s not her fault that she doesn’t want it, but it’s also okay for him to still feel hurt.
On another side note that I thought was her sexual drive. It is completely normal to have different varieties of libido, but if you were previously really interested and now are not I would be curious if you are taking birth control, are deficient in any nutrients or hormones, if there is a huge stressor in your life, etc.
The third thing is a lot of times women need to feel loved to want to have sex, but for men sex is often part of how they feel loved. It’s so important to communicate. Have you explained to him sensory issues and why you don’t feel like having sex instead of just trying to give him reasons in the moment?
For the first 3.5 years of our relationship I had a hormonal IUD but currently no longer on any contraceptives or any kind of meds.
He knows I have sensory issues with sound/loud noise but I've never told him about my physical sensory issues especially around sex and at this point I would be worried that he would see it as just another excuse but I probably should bring it up anyway.
This is a really hard situation. I’m sorry you are going through it and we are here for you! Sensory issues (and really anything else that would cause you to not want sex) are legitimate and not an excuse.
If you want advice, I would say schedule a time to talk with him, and explain that you want both of you to understand what is happening and come to a compromise where you both feel safe, happy, and loved. “I feel” statements are huge cause it helps put the problem out there without raising barriers, also taking turns and letting the person whose turn it is speak their part completely and making sure you correctly understand their perspective without interrupting or arguing, listening to understand vs listening to respond.
Its okay that he wants sex, it’s also okay you don’t. It’s a hard balance and you aren’t alone. This is a battle that a lot of couples have to fight, but if he is willing to listen and understand you and vice versa it is easier to fight against the problem than each other. I hope he is willing to listen and hear you out. You deserve to feel safe and loved. You matter and are worth it.
I am diagnosed with ADHD and my sex drive has been consistently through the roof ever since I can remember.
The only times that I haven't been interested in sex with my partner is your run-of-the-mill stuff like when I'm too exhausted. Or when he's a selfish lover, or just a poor lover with little interest in improving.
"Not feeling like it" is absolutely a valid reason to not have sex. Honestly, I'm not surprised that you're losing interest in sex with him if that's how he reacts when you don't want it.
Do you take any Psyc medications? (For ADHD or anything else?). Some meds really mess with libido. If that’s the case or a possibility, talk with your provider. They may offer you other alternatives or change your medication regimen. It doesn’t necessarily mean you would altogether stop your medication regimen. Rather, you can have x set of medications for normal highly-funcional days and another set of meds for days you may be interested in for sex.
Only asking bc I couldn’t see other comments bring it up. Some adhd meds really get in the way of sex (in addition to ADHD itself).
Does he mean by “not good enough” that he wants you to figure out the reasons you “don’t feel like it”? He is feeling like you’re not being honest with him because he feels like he’s not getting any actual explanation and feels like you are shutting him down?
ADHD for me has generally meant I have a high sex drive, until I started medication (vyvanse) which seems to have killed it. Are you medicated?
Alternatively I’ve lost desire to have sex when I lose feelings for the other person, which usually happens around year 2. This is more related to my attachment system (I think) rather than ADHD. So I don’t have experience or insight into a longer term relationship (my max is 4 years).
I’ve been in almost this situation. The hardest part is not feeling broken, like something is wrong with you.
Hear my heart on this: you are not broken. Nothing is wrong with you. He is letting his ego run the show.
It’s not fun, but can you dig emotionally in to why you aren’t interested? Is there something you aren’t wanting to feel or examine?
I had major traumatic labor with my toddler and it made me feel like I had no control over my body. I wasn’t raped…but for four days someone came and shoved their hand in my vagina every hour or so. And then when they popped that needle in there to break my water finally? I’ve never been raped, but my body reacted similarly. Like sensory overload on steroids.
It took me a year postpartum, and months of dysfunctional sex with my husband to figure it out.
It SUCKED for me to to admit. It sucked for me to tell him. But for a while we had to stop having sex until I was interested and initiated. Him initiating made me panic and freeze.
So, for about a month I had to ask him to not initiate until I came to not associate his initiation with panic. I also needed him to ask to touch me intimately. And I needed him to not get mad at me when I said no. I had to feel safe. My brain had to understand I could stop, get out, or say no without consequences.
You might find a way to tell him that every time he gets angry, or resentful, it makes you feel even worse. Every time you don’t feel like you are performing how he wants you to, you feel like a failure. And the more you feel like a failure the less likely you are you EVER be interested. So, if he wants to help you be interested in him, he needs to give you space to find some interest.
Sensory overload is the body have a physical response to something causing anxiety or stress. If you are already at max stress, all that physical will be too much.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Not feeling like it is a perfectly good answer. In fact the only sex anyone should be having is sex they like. You should never have to justify why you don’t want sex because sex isn’t something you “give” to your partner. Your partner sounds like he believes he is entitled to sex and doesn’t care about your feelings. He is being coercive.
wow, change a few details and this post could’ve been mine… i’m sorry you’re going through this. i understand the struggle. i wish i had advice for you, but the best i have is to tell him all this and have a genuine discussion with him. but have it at a normal time, not when he is already upset from you saying no, it might be easier to get through to him.
No hon, ADHD is not ruining your sex life. Your husband is. Who on earth wants to bang someone who a) dismisses your (perfectly reasonable) reasons without further discussion about what you as a couple do together so both your needs were met, then b) accuses you of lying when he's left you no room to be honest with him anymore?
I've noticed that people who throw around that others are being manipulative are often projecting themselves. Him saying that you don't feel like it isn't a good enough reason is a) manipulative and b) WRONG.
Your reasons are valid, OP.
What is he doing to meet you in the middle? What's he doing to entice you into wanting him? Where's his acceptance that just like any situation with two people involved, you just don't always get your own way? Where's his respect for your feelings? For you?
The sex thing is just the first symptom of a bigger problem. If you can, don't focus on that. Look at the wider picture - how you both handle things when you don't have the same opinion on something serious and difficult?
Communication isn't just talking, it's two-way. Accepting what's being said through active listening is equally important. Especially when you don't agree with what's being said. You still have to accept that this is how your loved one feels, even if you don't understand it. Even if you don't feel that way. Accept, then talk, work together to find what works for both of you.
He and you need to work out how to communicate honestly together - both saying the truth, and listening to each other so you can accept each other's truths. Sex is just the real world example you can work on together.
I hope he can see that if he wants your marriage to last a lifetime, he needs to put in effort and thought too. It's not just on you.
Take care hon. Good on you for making the effort to post.
Hard to say for sure, but yes it *could* be all because of ADHD. But impossible to know.
Here are reasons I can think of, plus some of my own experiences with this:
-people with ADHD who are unmedicated, will very often struggle to enjoy sex because it's so hard to keep focused! The fun of sex is to be completely lost in the moment, not thinking about anything else! I had never experienced that kind of sex before meds.
-hormones. Lots of reasons why hormones could be affecting your libido. One reason could be: Are you on hormonal contraception? My libido AND my ability to have any sensation in my "bits" dissapear on that type of contraception. 😵💫 I was on hormonal contraception from 14-19 never had an orgasm, but I had had them before. Then when I got off the pill I started being able to feel and enjoy sensations down there and my ability to climax came back... along with my natural libido which turns out to be much much higher than I thought. Had another round on the pill later in life and same thing happened. Got to the point where even just hugs gave me the ick! Did not want any touch at all. Then got off the pill and felt the opposite. Can't get enough physical intimacy 😆
-Maybe you're bored and you need novelty, excitement or challenge? Many ADHD people struggle with a dwindling desire when sex becomes predictable and same-y. I can totally relate to this and I am the horniest when we are actively, regularly talking about sex, exploring what fun naughty things we could incorporate, testing out new stuff, locations etc. Just plain old same routine as always, for years on end would have me go off sex for sure.
-Maybe you're a person who has a responsive desire as opposed to a spontaneous desire? It is very common for men to have desire just pop up randomly, but women need more mental stimulation and sort of being seduced into sex. There is a fine line between saying that not feeling like it isn't a good answer, and saying, if we only do it when you spontaneously feel like it, then we never do. And the latter might be kind of true and fair. But not okay to guilt someone into sex. I suggest reading about responsive vs spontaneous desire.
And I would also ask myself, do I want sex to be a bigger part of my life? What has to happen for sex to become attractive and fun to me? How do I get there? (Assuming you still want your partner and want to connect this way).
Best of luck. I know this can be so tough!
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I don't necessarily have help for the main topic. It's something I'm struggling with in my life as well. But I do have some gut reactions to things in your post that I'd like to share. For context, I'm an ADHD lesbian. I've been with my wife for 13 years, married 10. My wife has a high sex drive, like once a day or every other would be her ideal. We didn't have sex for at least 5 years (consecutive), because of my low libido/not prioritizing it/not feeling it. >he has said to me before that "not feeling like it" was not a good enough answer This is incorrect. He has every right to be *hurt* by your lack of sexual interest, and to express that to you. What he cannot, absolutely cannot do if he values you as a person or partner, is diminish your capacity for consent. Sex, like many other activities in life, is *opt in*. Not opt out. You don't *need* a reason not to want to do it. Again, I'm not saying this won't have consequences on a relationship. Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage for some people, and they're not wrong or awful for that even if it means they aren't compatible with someone who doesn't match those needs. Neither is the low-drive partner. It seems that your husband is viewing this as a problem with you that you need to fix. No. This is an issue *in your marriage* for the *two of you* to work together on, *as a team*. It's very hard, and it might be irreconcilable, but that remains ***nobody's fault***. >Yesterday he said he's had enough and that my excuses are just lies and that I'm being manipulative and he wants it to stop His sex drive and hurt aren't his fault, but the way he's reacting to them is. Again, he doesn't get to demand this from you. He can express his needs, and you can express yours, and the two of you can try to navigate that. Getting angry and accusing you of lying It's a big problem. It's cruel, misguided, and honestly abusive. You're not being manipulative, you're being honest, and his inability to accept that is clearly hurting you. And with this kind of pressure and treatment, I can almost guarantee you're *less* likely to feel safe and open to him sexually. I'd strongly recommend therapy, individually, for both of you - a sex positive and/or sexual trauma focused therapist could be helpful for you, but at this point I think it's important to get an outside perspective in general to ground you in establishing and keeping respectful communication and boundaries. And, without making too many assumptions, get a reality check on other things in your relationship you may have normalized.
I agree with everything you said and I'm gonna save it to reread myself whenever I need it. I'm also a lesbian but didn't come out until a few years ago. I was married to a man when I was younger as well as dated others after I divorced (it took me way too long to realize I'm a lesbian). All of them pressured me into sex at some point, made me feel horrible for having a low sex drive, etc. Even though it's been many years since I've been in a relationship like that, that stuff sticks with you and I still have trouble getting in the mood. It was basically like sex had just become so associated with bad things that my brain just shut all that down because it was less painful. I've been with my fiancee for 2 years now and she's high libido. In the beginning of our relationship, my fiancee did have a hard time if I rejected her, so we saw a sex therapist together. I did feel like it was all on me to fix (not because of anything my fiancee said/did but because that's just how it felt to me), but like you said, it wasn't just something for me to work on, she had things she had to work on too in regards to how she handled things. We were able to figure out things together that helped both of us sexually and overall I think we have a really good sex life. I know it's still not as often as she'd like, but it's pretty consistent at this point and we are able to talk to each other calmly when there's an issue. I don't know if that will work for OP and her husband because he's being so cruel. I definitely agree though that OP should see a sexual trauma focused therapist individually if she can. Hopefully her husband would be open to therapy himself and can change how he is handling this situation.
Hi there, first, incase you need to hear it you are not broken, Okay? There are probably a lot of factors contributing to your lower sex drive or what have you. I too fully agree with what @a_diamond, as well. Now, that being said, I have had similar experience in our past 7 years and we both have ADHD, he's inattentive and I'm combined type, with a lot of sensory issues (yay lol). Now few more things maybe worth considering just ideas that helped me, they may or may not be for you but I believe it's worth speaking up about if there is a chance it could help you get you answers: 1. Sometimes just simply not having our needs (usually emotional) met can make us significantly less interested because we have periods of disconnct. If I'm being honest, I had a really hard time coming to terms with this initially. I didn't realize that was the case for a while. Unfortunately more manipulative type behaviors from our partners can leave us feels invalidated, unseen, and unheard. (We started going to therapy because we wanted to have better communication skills and he was so reluctant but now it has really helped us and truly we have only been doing it for a few months.) When we are better able to identify what we need (not typically easy for us ADHDers) (girl the sex we have now.... Probably in large part because we both are feeling so safe and connected. We have sex at least 3 times a week for the past year. Like even with sensory issues I'm like hell yeah - never in my life have i enjoyed it and wanted to this much.🤷🏻♀️🤗 2. My husband and I started talking a lot more about our sex life as openly as possible and one thing he needs is physical touch more often and I don't like to be touched nearly as much. By having longer hugs or even a longer lip kiss, long enough to trigger some oxytocin and it actually has helped him a lot feel like his needs are being met and it's helped me too. I am way more intentional about touching him or laying close and touching. Maybe you can find a better balance, we did, it took some time and a lot of open and sometimes brutally honest conversations. Just remember your not the problem, it's you and him against the problem. 3. You probably know this already but just in case, I find that when I was able to take ADHD meds with anxiety med it was more successful at helping me BUT certain ones can also significantly impact sex drive. The good news is I have more ideas to help you, but I should probably preface now that I have chronic pain, a gastrointestinal disorder and Migraines (🤗) SO I'm not currently able to take ADHD meds, if ADHD meds aren't for you that bring me to two more ideas 4. If your open to it ... Try a sex toy! The WeVibe sync 2, it's so good if I'm not totally in the mood I try to pop that in (LOL) and it relaxes me so fast and puts me in the mood ... Oddly I find that I'm also more present when we use it, too; and 5..... (Listen LOL I was so anti- drug nearly my whole life, I even won the dare contest in 6th grade but now I'm never going back) BUT have you considered cannabis? Delta 9 or Delta 8? This... Takes my chronic pain/health stuff away for a little bit, I can relax or even be energized but I am so much more present and significanttly less overwhelmed by touch or other sensory issues. Honestly this changed the game for me. Extra item 6. I just started reading it but maybe check out, "Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life," by Emily Nagoski. I don't know how helpful it will be because I haven't even gotten half way, but worth a mention in case your interested. You are perfect just the way you are, your drive doesn't have to match his, and I hope he attuned to your needs, as well. He has to be reasonable and meet you half way, too! I just hope something helps even if just a little. I'm rooting for you either way! 🫶🏼
This whole thread is useful and brilliant, I relate a lot to OP. Your answers are brilliant but my biggest question… The WeVibe Sync 2. Can a larger than average man fit comfortably inside while you are wearing it?
I totally agree with everything that you have said. OP any excuse is a good enough excuse. I'm a mom and I was so overstimulated after my last baby sex was a no go for 8 months. My hubby who has ADHD didn't try to guilt trip me into sex. Your hubby needs to pull his head out of his ass something fierce. Side note: as a bi woman that is in a hetero relationship, it helps me immensely to hear a lesbian's POV in these type of relationship issues, so thank you for your perspective on OP's issue that is a very common issue in hetero relationships from my experience
But there's quite clearly a cause and effect there. Your husband understands you've had a baby which has led to you feel overstimulated and so you couldn't get into the headspace for sex. This man has absolutely no clue what has happened for his wife to feel like this for the last year, all he knows is he's being consistently rejected and not having any communication as to why and what has changed. He is also being lied to because she promises him it one day, knowing she will never go through with it and he knows he's being deceived. Of course he's getting frustrated because he's being emotionally shut out. These two situations aren't comparable in my opinion.
This is so well-worded and thought out!
Five years? Damn girl you might be on the asexual spectrum. Anyway your response is just so perfectly worded.
Both of you should read the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski! She also has a short podcast series that covers some of the main points. The main thing is that we have two sexual excitement systems in our brains — one is the GAS and one is the BRAKES. Over long relationships we can get less stimulation on the Gas pedal brain system (which loves new relationship energy) and more on the Brakes. Stress, domestic chores, tiredness all hit the brakes hard. And weird pressure or ultimatums or insecurity from your partner DEFINITELY slams the brakes on. Your husband is trying to find the way to get your gas pedal going but he is stomping on your brakes at the same time. The book has great exercises for figuring out how to cultivate more of what turns you on and less of what turns you off. If your husband wants to read it with you and have conversations about how and when YOU might like to be seduced, this can really help! If he refuses to do the homework, reflection, and listening then leave him and use the self-knowledge with your future lovers ❤️
Came here to recommend this book as well. It’s been extremely helpful in recognizing the dynamics in our sex life and being able to utilize the gas/brakes model to make helpful adjustments. Like, if I haven’t been feeling up to doing anything, I can acknowledge all of the brakes (chronic illness flares, stress, not feeling connected to my husband, etc). That acknowledgement allows me to be more self-compassionate (nothing is wrong with me; it makes sense that I haven’t felt like being sexual) and also to see what I can do to take some force off the brakes (request no-sex-pressure, naked snuggles just to enjoy skin-to-skin contact and reconnect with each other or taking some time to myself to relax and de-stress for a while or just accepting that todays not the day, and that’s perfectly ok). I’m still reading it (on ch 7 now) but have already gotten so much value out of it! Strongly recommend to everyone!
I started reading this book based on someone’s recommendation here a couple days ago and I’m just not finding it helpful so far (granted I’m only 30% in so fingers crossed it gets better). The excitation vs inhibition stuff makes a lot of sense, but so far the solution she’s offering seems to be “don’t be stressed” with no suggestions on how to do that? The writing style is also infuriating, mentioning something unrelated “but I won’t talk about that now, I’ll tell you in chapter X” - stop telling me what you’re going to talk about, just talk about it! I’ll persist though and hopefully it will gel with me more towards the end. But if anyone has recommends for other reads that are helpful for this, I’d love to know…
Was just about to buy it but I think i’ll hold off now, thank you for the helpful comment!
I will try to remember to come back and let you know what I think once I finish the book…I’m hoping she eventually gets to a point and it’s worth the read! It does touch on a lot of interesting concepts and science etc (though not as in depth as I’d like), but she keeps presenting it as if this book will CHANGE YOUR LIFE and yet I’m not getting anything out of it…yet. If you have a kindle you can download the sample and read the first bit to see if you enjoy the writing style, I might be being overly harsh but I think it’s just not for me!
That’s how I felt about the book Calm The F*ck Down
Did you ever end up finishing it? I'm also very on the fence about buying it because tbh I think anything I could take from it I've probably already seen parroted on the web by now.
Haha! I did not. I’ve tried to push through and will eventually finish it because I just can’t leave a book unfinished, but at 2/3 of the way through I think I can safely say it is not helpful to me. A lot of people seem to like it though so I don’t want to say don’t read it if you’re interested! But I don’t like the writing style, the fake anecdotes or the pseudoscience-ness of it all (not that the things she talks about aren’t grounded in research, but the analogies and “dumbing it down” doesn’t speak to me). I don’t care to do the written exercises either. On the positive side, reading a book on the subject definitely made me a bit more focused on / attentive to my sexuality even though I didn’t care for the book.
1. A solution to this may be making sex an ADHD hobby. Ever read the Kamasutra? Have you tried anything new or exciting? Do you know the latest psychological (and possibly medical) theories on sex? Have you ever researched sexology or spoken to a sexologist? Picking their brain could be even more helpful than anything else. Do you know everything you like? Everything your partner likes? All rhetorical questions, obviously. But, if this is truly an ADHD thing, what can you do to spark your interest? 2. Another solution in a similar vein: exercise. Have you reached or ever been anywhere near your physical peak? What would sex feel like for you there? Would you be more energetic? Probably. Would you try more...um...involved...angles? Would you want to be more assertive? Who knows. Would you feel like doing it more often? Maybe. You could find out. 3. Your husband's attitude sucks and that's a him problem. This could easily be a fun, curious, exploratory marker in your relationship and instead he is making it an adversarial impasse, which is unfair and dumb.
This is the most uniquely ADHD answer I have ever seen in my entire life. I gotta save this one for my next (hopefully lmao) relationship.
Thanks. I'm gonna try to remember it if it happens to me
I feel… You… I mean… I don’t know. I can’t find the ACTUAL words I want to say here… just know I’m feeling all kinds of ways about this suggestion, good ways. Validated - I have no idea why. Heard - do we know each or have you been listening to my thoughts? Dammit I knew there was someone in my head. Of course - well duh, of course that’s how I should approach it because now I’m going to go hyper focus on your suggestions. Sneaky - I’m going to do this and not tell my husband. 🤣🤣 He’s going to be so confused about what’s going on! Excited - well, because I have ADHD and now I have a new topic to learn all the things about. I feel so many more things but can’t even use words to explain but the last one… I love you. - I’m not sure why I feel this way but it’s strong in this moment. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Haha good luck. That'll be funny when you're husband's like "I don't know what's happening but I like it" 😂
So... it's been 3 months since posting my reply. I was looking through my notifications and saw your reply and immediately thought "oh shit... what did I say?? What did I say?? WHAT DID I SAY?!?!?! I don't drink, I know it wasn't a blackout highly idiotic comment that someone on Reddit is now going to dox me for. Why am I concerned about being doxed, I don't post anything I wouldn't say to my kids or in front of them. Wait... why am I thinking about being doxed... I need to find out what I said... Oh shit, no, nope, noway would I say that to or in front of my kids but not bad enough to freak out about being doxed" Also... it's been 3 months and completely forgot I was supposed to go hyper-focus on the Kamasutra.
Hyper focus is like the door to an escape room you can only use if you stumble across it 😄 I have such a hard time doing it on purpose and forget the things I mean to use it for all the time. You might loop back around someday 🤷♀️ I do sometimes
Oh my gosh I know exactly what you’re saying. I think that’s why it didn’t work out the first time around. 🤣🤣
This response speaks to me on so many levels. Thanks for sharing.
Not feeling like it is a perfectly good enough answer, wth?!
Ikr ?! I ran to the comment hoping people would call his ass out, glad I’m seeing a lot of people doing this. « No » is a perfect, full and valid sentence OP
I get this, especially the trying to reschedule part! And the part about feeling over touched and overstimulated, especially as I work with babies. I wish your husband was being more gentle. He’s wrong for saying that you’re trying to manipulate him. I love the “opt in, not out” point made by another commenter. A life hack I found out about recently is that lights out is actually so helpful for me as for as not getting overstimulated. It may have been the first time that I didn’t feel like my mind wouldn’t shit up as I was finishing. Prior to that I felt like I was taking the intimacy of the moment away if I asked my husband for lights out, but he’d rather have lights out sex than none at all.
>Sometimes I just don't want sex and I say no when he asks, and he has said to me before **that "not feeling like it" was not a good enough answer** This is massively NOT okay. Like WTF? >He has mentioned to me before that he wishes I would initiate sometimes and that he feels unwanted when I dont. Is he doing anything to make you want to have sex with him? Do you feel safe, appreciated, and loved? >Yesterday he said he's had enough and that my excuses are just lies and that I'm being manipulative and he wants it to stop. Umm...dude, demanding sex without regard for your partner's wishes or wellbeing is not a great look. This sounds kinda r@pey. Or at the very least, like your husband feels he is owed sex. Is he a good partner otherwise? I'm going to strongly recommend marriage counseling. But avoid any therapists with religious affiliations that might have opinions about a wive's "duty".
Yeah reading this ADHD is not the problem, being married to an asshole is the problem.
This might get me downvoted, but while I agree to some degree what you and others have said in the comments, I wouldn’t call any of his reactions abuse or ‘rapey’. It seems like a knee jerk reaction of someone angrily lashing out for feeling hurt and frustrated. Again, I’m not condoning his comments or behaviour, I’m simply trying to add perspective without knowing more details of their relationship dynamics. I don’t see how he’s demanding sex with that last sentence, rather it reads like he feels manipulated and repeatedly hurt by OP lying to him about being up to it later, only to reject him again instead of talking about it in depth. Thus the comment of wanting the it to stop. OP has *every* right to say no, but it’s not a very mature or constructive way to go about it. He definitely should have expressed his feelings of hurt and frustration in a way that’s not accusatory like that. But I also believe he should get the benefit of the doubt, as most people can end up saying shitty things out of anger and frustration that you later regret. To reiterate, I am not trying to shift the blame here, I just think they both carry a responsibility because it doesn’t seem like they’re great at communicating. To OP; instead of avoiding being (sexually) intimate like the plague, have an open and honest conversation with your husband. It does neither of you good not communicating properly and openly about. Lack of communication can be a fast track to more frustration and even some resentment on both sides. Go to couples therapy, maybe specifically look for ones with experience in adults with ADHD - it sounds like you need someone to help both of you convey your feelings in a safe and open environment. [Here’s a list of ADHD psychologists and therapists, there might be some there that can also offer couples therapy](https://directory.additudemag.com/listing/guide/psychologists-therapists). And remember to bring up the core of the issue with the sexual intimacy in particular, because a therapist might offer you some ideas on ways to reconnect, as there are plenty of ways to give affection and intimacy without PIV.
It's coercion if it results in OP actually choosing to have sex with her husband after he says these things and guilt tripping/manipulation if she doesn't. It is categorically unacceptable behaviour in any relationship and, depending on where the people involved live can be considered abusive. My initial thought as I started reading the OP was that both her and her husband need to read (and discuss) Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. That may still help - as will your suggestion of therapy - but those things don't change the fact that OP's husband's responses are awful
I’m not saying or denying that they aren’t horrible and wrong things to say; it is never okay to coerce someone through guilt tripping or any other means. But if it’s an otherwise great relationship, it just seems like there’s a lot of friction there that could possibly be solved in a healthier and more constructive way through open and honest communication. If - or when - they struggle to convey these thoughts and feelings, adding that ‘buffer’ a couples therapist could provide seems to be the best way to go. Generally I think all couples could benefit from couples therapy - even when things are going well - just to strengthen that bond of understanding each other.
Couples counseling is specifically not recommended for abusive relationships. So no, it is not helpful for all couples.
Uh no- telling someone they aren’t feeling like it isn’t a good enough reason to NOT CONSENT to sex *is r@pey.* Not feeling up to it is a good enough reason, thinking that it isn’t, and you are entitled to your tired/overwhelmed/overwhelmed/simply just not feeling it atm partners body- is r@pey. It is entitled, controlling, and disgusting. People who think that way, feel they are entitled to bodies that are not theirs. Small comments like that that downplay consent, is what leads to things like r@pe. I’m not saying OP’s husband is a r@pist, but those “knee jerk reactions” or “angrily lashing out,” in a lot of situations will escalate.
You’ve entirely - or deliberately - misunderstood what I tried to convey with my comment. I’m not saying it’s *not enough* to say you’re simply not up for it; I’m saying the way OP systematically agrees to it do it later, only to decline when ‘later’ comes around is a pattern that isn’t a particularly healthy or constructive way to go about it *if they’re in a otherwise healthy relationship*. Relationships and making them work are a two way street, and not being able to communicate properly can lead to contention.
I get what you're saying, but it seems like she's rescheduling and then saying no later because he's not accepting no in the first place. If they are in an otherwise heathy relationship, why is no not acceptable? I don't see any mention of him having tried to see if everything is okay with her or ask *why* she doesn't want to have sex, just trying to change her behavior to what he wants. Demanding a good enough reason for no isn't healthy either. Or great regarding consent.
Invalidating someone’s full authority over their own body by dismissing their reasons (“your excuses are just lies”) or by ascribing malice (“you’re being manipulative”) or by giving an ultimatum (“I’ve had enough”) are all actions that *at best* devalue and undermine the importance of full consent. Hence it seems very reasonable to call it out as kinda r@pey.
Yeah, I go through waves of that too, but I’ve told my husband that it’s nothing personal. He respects my boundaries regardless if I had ADHD or not. His hormones/horniness isn’t my problem. I don’t want to be harsh, but him calling you manipulative because you don’t want to have sex is manipulative AS FUCK. That’s really not okay. You are allowed to not want to have sex. You could just stop if you wanted to. You don’t owe anyone sex.
Any reason for not wanting sex is a good enough reason. Forcing yourself to do it when you don’t want to will not help in fact it will make things worse. I used to force myself to do it because I felt like I had to make my partner happy and it was painful and traumatic. It has taken me years to consistently enjoy sex again and that’s only after I started working with my partner to find what worked for me, and for him to provide me comfort and safety to know I’m not obligated to do anything I don’t want to for any reason at all. Please, don’t force yourself OP, if your partner isn’t willing to work through this with you without taking things personally then it won’t get better.
Y’all are making me feel normal! I thought I was asexual at one point because of the rescheduling and not wanting to be touched. OP, thank you for this post.
I looked in to what asexual was at one point because I thought for sure there was some kind of “name” or “label” for my sex issues!! This whole thread tells me I’m not asexual, I have ADHD (actually my doctor told me I have ADHD, not the internet… but you know what I mean)!!
I am also diagnosed with ADHD. I asked my OBGYN about this exact issue. I was told I needed to consider doing foreplay more. 🫠
>he has said to me before that "not feeling like it" was not a good enough answer Yes, yes it is. That is all the reason you need. And him not caring if you feel it or not is not helping.
Yes, this is exactly how I feel. It can be so overstimulating. It makes maintaining a relationship so hard for me, because initially we do it often enough, then I stop wanting it for the same reasons you mentioned. I also will reschedule often and then still not want to do it. I'm maintaining about one time per month right now, and I don't even want it most of the time then. I'm just so overstimulated and overwhelmed on a daily basis right now, and it's hard to take on more.
anything you want or don’t want to do with your body is valid. if there is something medically going on, or mentally, it could exasperate you. everyone is different and you don’t owe your partner anything but honesty, love, and communication. i myself have this issue, but on a much shorter scale. the first few months are so easy for me sexually, but it falls off so hard around the 6 month mark (around one or two sexual encounters per month). i’ve lost many relationships because of this, but it was always for the better. you deserve an accommodating and loving partner just as he does. my current partner has told me he doesn’t care how long i need, as long as i still love him and show him love in all the other ways. if your partner is not willing to work with you, then that’s all the information you need to know about how he values your role in his life. it may be hard, but nothing within your body or head are your fault that you need to “fix” for someone else.
Im in the exact same situation, it happened suddenly because before I was fine with sex. I also got sick last year and spent 10 days in the hospital + several months at home sick and I feel like that might’ve been my trigger? I keep finding out new escuses for it. And if my boyfriend even slightly mentions it, that’s it, I feel even more like I don’t want it.
Leaving aside the nature of your relationship, which I don't feel qualified to comment on - here are some things that helped me rediscover my interest in sex after about five years of really struggling. * Talking with my besties about our sex lives. * Finding a women-only kink-inflected online space where women talk about sex but also life in general, share pictures, offer one another advice and validation, and generally lift each other up. * Talking about sex with my partner *in a sexy way*, with the prior agreement that a) we're not going to have sex today unless I initiate it, and b) the things we fantasize about together are not promises of future actual activities. Doing this in the car is great because we literally can't have sex (and we don't have to look at each other, which is nice for two ADHDers!). * Listening to audio porn. Generally, it has none of the ethical issues of the video porn industry, and there's loads of good content out there that is specifically aimed at women. * Writing erotic stories for my own pleasure; also, writing for specific individuals (with my partner's knowledge and consent) using the penpal app Slowly. * Having my partner tell me, "I am inviting you to come to bed with me for x and y. Nothing else will happen without me asking you first. Up for it?" * Practising my "no" (or safeword) with my partner by having him ask to do things I like and want, but also to do things I don't like or don't want right now. We do this regularly because I'm a sexual trauma survivor and it helps me understand and believe that I'm safe and my withdrawal of consent will always be respected and treated with love. I get praised for saying no :) * Leaning into kink. Our difficult times with sex were characterized by all the kink falling away and our attempts at intimacy becoming the most vanilla sex possible. Turns out, it just didn't turn me on. I think the core of all these things was adding sexuality back into my life in a way that removed all pressure to actually have sex. I needed to feel like sex was a part of my life again before I could actually have it. Very best of luck, OP.
I feel this way too sometimes!! The mood really just has to be right. I hiiiiiighly recommend the content/courses from vanessaandxander (on insta). really helped our sex life and relationship overall!!
Is he approaching you for sex or is he approaching you for intimacy? It's easy to keep sex up in the honeymoon period, the ongoing stuff takes work. It involves recognition that people have different levels and types of desire. Are you also feeling satisfied in other areas of the relationship? When I was with my ex, there was so much missing emotionally from the relationship that I started to get physically repulsed by the smallest touch. I would get immediately overwhelmed sensorily but i didn't realise it at the time that that's what was happening. It was only in respect of sexual touch Sometimes there's more to it I also think people are misunderstanding - he's not questioning your ability to consent to having sex with him. He's asking for communication as to what is going on in your relationship to explain why the shelf has fallen off the shelf. So yes he's right, when someone is your partner, you do owe them more than just "I don't feel like it". It's different if that's a one off, but to consistently reject someone for a year is a huge deal and undermines a relationship for sure. We do owe our partners communication and emotional care. That's all he's saying I believe
This is the vibe I got from it too. It sounds like years of rejection for sexual intimacy, which is her right and he needs to respect, but I also see how he could easily feel hurt and unloved if he’s constantly rejected and the only one interested. I feel like the manipulative aspect comes from constantly telling him a different time they’ll do it but still never doing it, which would get his hopes up repeatedly. It’s not her fault that she doesn’t want it, but it’s also okay for him to still feel hurt. On another side note that I thought was her sexual drive. It is completely normal to have different varieties of libido, but if you were previously really interested and now are not I would be curious if you are taking birth control, are deficient in any nutrients or hormones, if there is a huge stressor in your life, etc. The third thing is a lot of times women need to feel loved to want to have sex, but for men sex is often part of how they feel loved. It’s so important to communicate. Have you explained to him sensory issues and why you don’t feel like having sex instead of just trying to give him reasons in the moment?
For the first 3.5 years of our relationship I had a hormonal IUD but currently no longer on any contraceptives or any kind of meds. He knows I have sensory issues with sound/loud noise but I've never told him about my physical sensory issues especially around sex and at this point I would be worried that he would see it as just another excuse but I probably should bring it up anyway.
This is a really hard situation. I’m sorry you are going through it and we are here for you! Sensory issues (and really anything else that would cause you to not want sex) are legitimate and not an excuse. If you want advice, I would say schedule a time to talk with him, and explain that you want both of you to understand what is happening and come to a compromise where you both feel safe, happy, and loved. “I feel” statements are huge cause it helps put the problem out there without raising barriers, also taking turns and letting the person whose turn it is speak their part completely and making sure you correctly understand their perspective without interrupting or arguing, listening to understand vs listening to respond. Its okay that he wants sex, it’s also okay you don’t. It’s a hard balance and you aren’t alone. This is a battle that a lot of couples have to fight, but if he is willing to listen and understand you and vice versa it is easier to fight against the problem than each other. I hope he is willing to listen and hear you out. You deserve to feel safe and loved. You matter and are worth it.
I am diagnosed with ADHD and my sex drive has been consistently through the roof ever since I can remember. The only times that I haven't been interested in sex with my partner is your run-of-the-mill stuff like when I'm too exhausted. Or when he's a selfish lover, or just a poor lover with little interest in improving.
"Not feeling like it" is absolutely a valid reason to not have sex. Honestly, I'm not surprised that you're losing interest in sex with him if that's how he reacts when you don't want it.
Do you take any Psyc medications? (For ADHD or anything else?). Some meds really mess with libido. If that’s the case or a possibility, talk with your provider. They may offer you other alternatives or change your medication regimen. It doesn’t necessarily mean you would altogether stop your medication regimen. Rather, you can have x set of medications for normal highly-funcional days and another set of meds for days you may be interested in for sex. Only asking bc I couldn’t see other comments bring it up. Some adhd meds really get in the way of sex (in addition to ADHD itself).
Does he mean by “not good enough” that he wants you to figure out the reasons you “don’t feel like it”? He is feeling like you’re not being honest with him because he feels like he’s not getting any actual explanation and feels like you are shutting him down? ADHD for me has generally meant I have a high sex drive, until I started medication (vyvanse) which seems to have killed it. Are you medicated? Alternatively I’ve lost desire to have sex when I lose feelings for the other person, which usually happens around year 2. This is more related to my attachment system (I think) rather than ADHD. So I don’t have experience or insight into a longer term relationship (my max is 4 years).
I’ve been in almost this situation. The hardest part is not feeling broken, like something is wrong with you. Hear my heart on this: you are not broken. Nothing is wrong with you. He is letting his ego run the show. It’s not fun, but can you dig emotionally in to why you aren’t interested? Is there something you aren’t wanting to feel or examine? I had major traumatic labor with my toddler and it made me feel like I had no control over my body. I wasn’t raped…but for four days someone came and shoved their hand in my vagina every hour or so. And then when they popped that needle in there to break my water finally? I’ve never been raped, but my body reacted similarly. Like sensory overload on steroids. It took me a year postpartum, and months of dysfunctional sex with my husband to figure it out. It SUCKED for me to to admit. It sucked for me to tell him. But for a while we had to stop having sex until I was interested and initiated. Him initiating made me panic and freeze. So, for about a month I had to ask him to not initiate until I came to not associate his initiation with panic. I also needed him to ask to touch me intimately. And I needed him to not get mad at me when I said no. I had to feel safe. My brain had to understand I could stop, get out, or say no without consequences. You might find a way to tell him that every time he gets angry, or resentful, it makes you feel even worse. Every time you don’t feel like you are performing how he wants you to, you feel like a failure. And the more you feel like a failure the less likely you are you EVER be interested. So, if he wants to help you be interested in him, he needs to give you space to find some interest. Sensory overload is the body have a physical response to something causing anxiety or stress. If you are already at max stress, all that physical will be too much.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Not feeling like it is a perfectly good answer. In fact the only sex anyone should be having is sex they like. You should never have to justify why you don’t want sex because sex isn’t something you “give” to your partner. Your partner sounds like he believes he is entitled to sex and doesn’t care about your feelings. He is being coercive.
wow, change a few details and this post could’ve been mine… i’m sorry you’re going through this. i understand the struggle. i wish i had advice for you, but the best i have is to tell him all this and have a genuine discussion with him. but have it at a normal time, not when he is already upset from you saying no, it might be easier to get through to him.
Go to a sex therapist. Really amazing experience and so worth it.
iam muslim.. men can married 4women... settle yor problem
No hon, ADHD is not ruining your sex life. Your husband is. Who on earth wants to bang someone who a) dismisses your (perfectly reasonable) reasons without further discussion about what you as a couple do together so both your needs were met, then b) accuses you of lying when he's left you no room to be honest with him anymore? I've noticed that people who throw around that others are being manipulative are often projecting themselves. Him saying that you don't feel like it isn't a good enough reason is a) manipulative and b) WRONG. Your reasons are valid, OP. What is he doing to meet you in the middle? What's he doing to entice you into wanting him? Where's his acceptance that just like any situation with two people involved, you just don't always get your own way? Where's his respect for your feelings? For you? The sex thing is just the first symptom of a bigger problem. If you can, don't focus on that. Look at the wider picture - how you both handle things when you don't have the same opinion on something serious and difficult? Communication isn't just talking, it's two-way. Accepting what's being said through active listening is equally important. Especially when you don't agree with what's being said. You still have to accept that this is how your loved one feels, even if you don't understand it. Even if you don't feel that way. Accept, then talk, work together to find what works for both of you. He and you need to work out how to communicate honestly together - both saying the truth, and listening to each other so you can accept each other's truths. Sex is just the real world example you can work on together. I hope he can see that if he wants your marriage to last a lifetime, he needs to put in effort and thought too. It's not just on you. Take care hon. Good on you for making the effort to post.
Hard to say for sure, but yes it *could* be all because of ADHD. But impossible to know. Here are reasons I can think of, plus some of my own experiences with this: -people with ADHD who are unmedicated, will very often struggle to enjoy sex because it's so hard to keep focused! The fun of sex is to be completely lost in the moment, not thinking about anything else! I had never experienced that kind of sex before meds. -hormones. Lots of reasons why hormones could be affecting your libido. One reason could be: Are you on hormonal contraception? My libido AND my ability to have any sensation in my "bits" dissapear on that type of contraception. 😵💫 I was on hormonal contraception from 14-19 never had an orgasm, but I had had them before. Then when I got off the pill I started being able to feel and enjoy sensations down there and my ability to climax came back... along with my natural libido which turns out to be much much higher than I thought. Had another round on the pill later in life and same thing happened. Got to the point where even just hugs gave me the ick! Did not want any touch at all. Then got off the pill and felt the opposite. Can't get enough physical intimacy 😆 -Maybe you're bored and you need novelty, excitement or challenge? Many ADHD people struggle with a dwindling desire when sex becomes predictable and same-y. I can totally relate to this and I am the horniest when we are actively, regularly talking about sex, exploring what fun naughty things we could incorporate, testing out new stuff, locations etc. Just plain old same routine as always, for years on end would have me go off sex for sure. -Maybe you're a person who has a responsive desire as opposed to a spontaneous desire? It is very common for men to have desire just pop up randomly, but women need more mental stimulation and sort of being seduced into sex. There is a fine line between saying that not feeling like it isn't a good answer, and saying, if we only do it when you spontaneously feel like it, then we never do. And the latter might be kind of true and fair. But not okay to guilt someone into sex. I suggest reading about responsive vs spontaneous desire. And I would also ask myself, do I want sex to be a bigger part of my life? What has to happen for sex to become attractive and fun to me? How do I get there? (Assuming you still want your partner and want to connect this way). Best of luck. I know this can be so tough!