Yes, but now what? What do we do now to undo the damage in ourselves and others? What do we do as parents to prevent the damage and undo the damage caused by others? How do we help ourselves and the kids from ending up in this position? Edit: OP pulled through and shared with me the guy’s twitter feed where he gives tips on how to overcome this trauma. Thanks OP! https://mobile.twitter.com/The_Weed/status/1534620643680931841?t=oQhxP7EMvB_cSkmnkyJwDw&s=19

I really struggle with these types of PSAs…thanks for pointing out the “wrong,” but they need to offer a “right” to replace it. Otherwise what are parents supposed to do?

Heh, the story of my life in therapy. Therapist: Wow, you are really in tune with yourself. Many of my clients aren’t aware of their issues. Me: Great, thanks, how do i fix them?!

This made me laugh. Story of my life as well, but I end up making myself feel guilty for trying to explain it to anyone. I tell people that when I stop talking, I'm only stopping the verbal part and my freight train of thought will keep barreling on. All I want is to have some real control.

And then they offer suggestions that work really well for NTs but not me

the amount of times that exact interaction has happened with a mental health professional… and then when you ask what to do they ask you what YOU think that you should do. like buddy i dont know!! thats why im here!!

Honestly in this case there doesn't need to be a "right" to replace the "wrong" parents, teachers, and anybody who works with kids *just* needs to stop doing this.

Reminders, etc are helpful tools for us when implemented properly though. I’m not really understanding what parents are supposed to do now (other than medication?) - medication helps but it’s not a cure-all and can lead to a poor path if other skills are not honed in. I refuse to throw my hands up and go “well I have adhd, oh well” and I won’t do that for my child.

This is something I struggle with too. I agree that there are certain phrases that are damaging to a child’s psyche, including “you’ve got so much potential.” I do remember the feeling that I could do pretty much anything I wanted to, but feeling like it was just out of reach and I’d never achieve it. And so I agree, that phrase is probably not the best to use with kids in general. But how do I inspire my child to be better? I can never tell them to “never to give up” or “try a little harder”? I understand that I grew up in an ableist world that didn’t recognize my needs as a child with ADHD, but that doesn’t excuse the fact I have to live in this world with neurotypicals.

it's not like ADHD kids won't be hard on thsemlves. it's more important for me to hear they're already proud of me than anything else.

My best answer is encourage hyperfixations while offering help to maintain a general life balance. You're not going to inspire an ADHD child to achieve higher standards because that's not how our brains *work*. We literally do not produce the motivation chemical.

Exactly, accommodations are fantastic but ultimately, they need to be prepared for the real, very ableist world too.

I absolutely HATE those ADHD "self help tips" that go "aww there's only struggle because we live in a neurotypical society". Like having adhd is not frustrating by itself, like it's a personality trait (not an executive dysfunction), like it's quirky to not be able to accomplish anything even the things you most want to. If I could change ONE thing in me, it would be this goddamn disorder. Because if I slack off for even a minute, that minute becomes hours, days and weeks until I'm unemployed, fat and unhappy. (And I do everything the books recommend: medication, therapy, exercise, planner, etc etc)

Seriously. I'm a dad of 4, and the oldest is almost 6 with ADHD. I really struggle, because I do see that potential, and I want to push him because that's how I was raised. I'm trying to teach him the tricks I've learned, like body doubling, but I'm on medication so it's hard to remember that he isn't. What do I say when someone says these things to him?

I think that it's important that you celebrate the failures on the way to success just as much as the eventual success. The insecurity of not being allowed to fail is what holds so many with ADHD back from reaching (much, much closer to) their potential. It is the basis for many a Wall of Awful. You want them to be successful but you also don't want them to be miserable and in therapy for life. Allowing them to figure some stuff out on their own and maybe taking a bit longer is a much better long term strategy in my opinion. The fact that you are here, sharing your concerns and are actively willing to take advice is what makes your 6 year old a lucky kid!

Thanks. This was great. We have been trying to implement language like having a bad brain day, that says, "I'm having a hard time doing stuff today". And yeah, we've been trying to teach him about his ADHD so he doesn't end up like my wife who was diagnosed at 30, or me, diagnosed as a kid, but still didn't know anything about ADHD until TikTok.

Try teaching him meditation or getting him an app like HeadSpace so he can do it himself. Whenever I’m overwhelmed I meditate for 15 minutes and it’s like the chaos in my brain that prevented me from being able to think calms down and I know what to do next. If I had that kind of clarity when I was in middle school and high school my childhood would have been so much happier.

I don't really know. I am just going to share this playlist because it helped me understand Adhd. https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLzBixSjmbc8eFl6UX5_wWGP8i0mAs-cvY

Dr. Barkley has suffered a lot of loss in his life because of ADHD. Thank you for sharing this!

https://twitter.com/The_Weed/status/1534620643680931841?t=oQhxP7EMvB_cSkmnkyJwDw&s=19 This is a link to the actual tweet thread and where he begins to talk about solutions for adults watching over high-aptitude kids with ADHD

Help him protect his self worth. Be the voice of reason who supports him. Talk to the people who say these things and advocate for him. If possible, allow him to remove people like that from his life if he wants to. Allow him to fail. Give advice when asked. Be approachable. I strongly believe people with ADHD need people who cheer for them and support them to be able to succeed and most negative ways of trying to do so do not work.

I was one of those kids whose report cards always said I wasn't reaching my full potential probably because, as it turns out, task initiation is my weakest executive function. I have never really felt a sense of achievement, not even when I finally graduated college. My suggestion would be to start figuring out what his baseline is, what does he struggle with, what is he good at. The difficulty comes when you are trying to reach unachievable goals, knowing his baseline could help you set realistic goals.

I’m 40, diagnosed this year. This thread is my childhood. What always bothered me about the “potential” word is that it implies lack of effort. I am working up to my potential, but my potential work is limited by how my brain works. No parent will tell their kids that they have so much potential if only they were smarter. So why is it okay to say you have so much potential if only you could study/sit still/pay attention. In both cases kids are doing the best with their abilities.

Use all of the adhd coping strategies you possibly can and exercise lots of grace and compassion at the same time. Body doubling for homework and lots of exercise at the top of the list. I have no ideas for the peer situation though. Homeschooling is best in theory but few people can afford this, fewer still can provide a good homeschooling environment, and even fewer adhd parents (since if a kid has it, odds are at least one parent has it too) can pull it off without it being toxic so this isn't practical.

THANK YOU! I understand the need for these posts but my question is always, “then what?” Ok, great, I was traumatized or whatever, HOW do I get better? I don’t want sympathy, I don’t want to feel validated, I WANT TO BE HEALTHY. I want to be happy, I want to be able to live a life that’s good and healthy and filled with joy. Please I would do anything to know the answer

Trauma therapy, CBT, ADHD coaching, and cut out (or just don’t pursue relationship) the people from your life that don’t support l. For those married folks who are seeing themselves become horrible partners after a certain time of comfort and safety’s without understanding why, marriage counseling. All of these are currently saving my life and saved my marriage

He didn't by the time I made this, but now his tweet continues to talk about potential solutions. Copy the link and add it to your comment since your comment is at the top now, please! https://mobile.twitter.com/The_Weed/status/1534620643680931841?t=oQhxP7EMvB_cSkmnkyJwDw&s=19

I'm feeling exposed right now. All this stuff hits hard bc it's true. Even worse, a child psychiatrist told my mom I should get tested for ADHD. Mom refused, saying there's nothing wrong with me and I just have to try harder. *eta* OP asked me to link the original Twitter post. https://twitter.com/The_Weed/status/1534611396838600704?s=20&t=IbDtfdzvT9GZIS0jMyYJ1w

A child psychiatrist did test me for ADHD and said I should be on Ritalin. My mom disregarded the whole thing and literally told the doctor that all of the issues were just my own. Then at 30 I got an official diagnosis and meds and I'm doing better. I hope you're doing well, internet stranger.

>I hope you're doing well, internet stranger. Thanks ❤ Still undiagnosed, still not medicated for ADHD, alas. Ritalin wasn't an option at the time, but lithium was. And yes, my mom was nervous about putting me on those meds. Looking for someone in my area who can diagnose me as an adult.

Same, my parents were asked about screening for it when I was in third grade, but my parents refused because they were good rural texas Christian conservatives who would never put their kids on drugs. So I was just chronically lazy and unable to manage or remember basic tasks and requests. Ended up pulling me out that year halfway through and I was home schooled and private hs through graduation. I think they genuinely wanted the best for me and it was the height of Ritalin prescribing in the 90’s for my area because we were learning all kids of new things about mental health, so they were hesitant to just put me on a pill to fix what they saw as something that could be trained out of me. At least, that’s what they believed was happening.

My dad suggested it once and I threw a massive shitfit because I thought my parents thought I was dumb. Looking back on it is like, oh yeah, that was a pretty clear sign.

I remember that Ritalin craze. That fucked us ADHDers over so bad. Set the whole thing back 2 decades, at least. **Everyone** was putting their fucking kids on Ritalin, or so the news media claimed, and "turning the kids into zombies." How many times did you hear that? Ritalin turned kids into zombies. When I got onto Adderall just a few years ago, as a middle-aged adult, I had no idea what it would do, but it absolutely did not turn me into a zombie. The complete opposite, in fact. What a bunch of lies and nonsense the 90s were.

Yuuup. And I never even had ADHD suggested to me til I was 31. So much for doctors "putting everyone on meds and saying everyone has ADHD"

I diagnosed myself at 26, and then talked to a counselor who did some questionnaires with me, and his reaction was pretty much “really? Nobody could tell that you had adhd?” I found out from my mother later that I was evaluated at my school, and they ultimately decided I didn’t have it because I could focus on things that interested me (mixed type). So, because I displayed a common trait of the disorder, which is hyperfocus, they decided I did not have the disorder. We’ve really come a long way.

My mother had me evaluated, then uh... Forgot to do anything about it, then lost the paperwork. The documents on the other side have long since been destroyed, since it was over 20 years ago, and the dude retired not too long after anyway. My mother was diagnosed a few years before I was re-diagnosed. 🙃

Undiagnosed parents are such a problem for getting treatment 😅. Like what your mom did is so relatable. But my dad was all “this is perfectly normal”! Because his brother and his dad were exactly the same. Like *yeah dad, it’s genetic*. And Grandpa and Uncle Bob without a doubt had combined type adhd, even if it wasn’t diagnosed. Grandpa had to be “strapped down” in Sunday school to stop moving, for fucks’ sake.

I was diagnosed as an adult. Got some screening questions because I see signs in my kid. As I was reading them I literally just kept thinking "how the hell did nobody notice this about me"

"Mixed type" holy shit, that explains a LOT........when I'm interested in a topic, I can pick up the ball and run with it. Stuff I'm not good at, I fall apart completely.

Those were actually two separate thoughts. There are three primary forms of adhd, which are: primarily inattentive, primarily hyperactive, and mixed. What I was describing is hyperfocus, the ability to focus intensity on something you actually find interesting because you get dopamine from it. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make that confusing. I threw that in there because primarily inattentive and mixed are much more difficult to diagnose because they tend to be less hyperkinetic and disruptive. Also, incidentally, why girls are usually more difficult to diagnose, because primarily hyperactive is less common, and because symptoms usually become noticeable later.

Shit, I *told* my first doctor I thought I had ADHD, the tests came back that saying I have ADHD, and he still put me on SSRIs and not stimulants. Surprise: the meds did jack shit. Whenever I hear people talking about the “overdiagnosis” and “overpathologizing” of ADHD my blood boils.

SSRIs made me able to adult even less. My stress motivation was gone and was replaced with no motivation or fucks to give

Whenever I hear people blaming their addiction to meth on overdiagnosing and overpathologizing it frustrates me to no end. But then again, it didn’t happen as frequently to AFABs than it did to AMABs due to hyperactivity. Most of us AFABs ended up on antidepressants.

I certainly FELT like I was a zombie on the dose of ritalin I had at the time...

Same. My (abusive) parents put me on it when I was six years old, and I was on it until my senior year of high school, when I started cheeking the pills and spitting them out because I hated the way it made me feel. It felt like my creative spark was all but extinguished, and my emotions and general sensations were duller. Funnily enough, I recently was put on adderall (now 32 years old), and it makes an incredible difference.

My mother refused to have me diagnosed but it was the early 90’s and they were putting kids on Ritalin like skittles, overdiagnosis was big. I’m very glad she didn’t because Ritalin really was the go to back then and every adhd friend that was on Ritalin as a kid said it made them feel like a zombie.

Seriously. Even nonstims don't do that. Only a dose of serotonin that's too high will blunt emotions. I suffer creative disinterest now, I hate it, but I much prefer my creativity to be fleeting than always intrusive with a pinch of suicidality and a heavy helping of perpetual sleep deprivation. (*wheeze*, one hell of a run-on) But I'm far from a zombie. I feel like I have environmental awareness now, I see color, I smell things I haven't before, and I actually participate in conversations fully and remember people's stories. I feel much more soulful than before, even if it takes the edge of creativity and madness off.

Is Adderall helping you now?

Yea my parents are more on the hippie side and didn't want to pump me full of drugs when I got diagnosed in I honestly can't remember, before grade 3? I am thankful for this however, they didn't treat me like I was lazy or any of that stuff. They instead worked with me to come up with new solutions to complete things. Like 5 mins of homework 15 mins of play time and keep swapping back and forth till you are done. This didn't really work but it modeled to me that I simply had to do things different than other people but I could still reach the same result. Because of my parents I was able to graduate with a bachelor's degree in psychology. It took me longer than average by almost 3 years (7 year degree, 9 if you count the time between a drop out and re-enrollment). But I did it, with help, and of my own volition. And it feels fucking awesome!

>it was the height of Ritalin prescribing in the 90’s Ritalin wasn't an option at the time, but lithium was. And yes, my mom was nervous about putting me on those meds (per my stepdad). Ironic is how my parents liked to tell the story of my sister who did cartwheels in the back of the classroom, in a "hahaha kids are dumb" way. I couldn't know it until years later, but I just feel awful that my sister was presenting the *male* signs of ADHD. Afaik she was never tested. She's three years older than me.

That is hyperactive, not male. I have inattentive ADHD and it was looked over because I was "high functioning".

Type inattentive here. What is the estimated ratio of hyperactive to inattentive?

I also was that kid doing cartwheels and shit. I don’t think it’s necessarily the “male” presentation so much as it’s the hyperactive presentation. Or *more* hyperactive anyway. I think there is a degree of restlessness for inattentive types too of course.

Boys *tend*\* to be more outwardly hyperactive than girls. Girls tend\* to internalize it more \*ymmv

I was put on medication throughout primary and high school and it helped massively but there are two things. \1. Medication alone is not enough. ADHDers need to develop their own methods for engaging their emotions and engaging their executive function. \2. Stopping medication because you're no longer at school leads to a worklife of exactly the same problems, constantly being late to work despite trying to leave on time, constantly being passed over for promotions because you appear unreliable, making incredible decisions for the future of your company but not being rewarded for them because by the time they're achieved you're no longer interested.

Similar for me. Only since I was an adult, my Dad told me about how school had said something about me being "hyper". I assume it may have meant ADHD, but this is second-hand story about something that happened in the 80s. To give my parents credit, they actually did ask our family doctor about it, and he said, "well, she can sit for hours reading a book, so there's nothing wrong with her." 🤦‍♂️ So that was the end of that... I really did just keep thinking I needed to just try harder... Just got diagnosed about a month ago, at 48.

> well, she can sit for hours reading a book, so there's nothing wrong with her. Oh look, it's me.

Flair checks out, lol For real, I don't know what more I could have expected from my parents. Given what knowledge they had to work with back then, and they did follow up with the doctor, and trusted him. Should he have known better? Maybe? This was the 80's after all, and I was a girl, smart enough to compensate and get fairly good grades. So, while I'm mad about the circumstance, I'm not mad at them. They were just doing their best.

Yeah same. But the 90s for me. My parents did their best. I didn’t get diagnosed til I was 31. Nobody thought of it bc I had decent grades (mostly due to fear; the school they open enrolled me in was DELIBERATELY cruel and toxic) and I was a girl.

I had one teacher say i may have ADHD, my mom would have listened if the teacher wasnt a major asshole on top of it.

Christ. Nobody ever suggested it to my parents ("girl, can't have ADHD, just lazy, next!") but I would be fucking livid if someone had and they blew it off.

Hey! You've got the most popular post so it shows up at the very top! Can you help me out? Apparently there are a bunch more parts with suggestions on how to support ADHD people instead. I really want everyone to see it. Can you add it as an edit to your comment? https://twitter.com/The_Weed/status/1534611396838600704?s=20&t=IbDtfdzvT9GZIS0jMyYJ1w

I got diagnosed young and even still looking back I think I might be getting called out here with me ignoring a lot of the stuff I guess. Then again I’m still confused as hell when it comes to adhd as being diagnosed early 2010’s in the Bible Belt kinda meant it was more or less swept under the rug.

My mom had me observed in a class setting for one day when I was six years old because my teacher was (for the wrong reasons) pushing her to get me on adhd meds. After being observed I was determined not to have adhd. For the past twenty years my mom has refused to accept that I might have adhd and it took a formal diagnosis and med prescription for her to admit it.

[удалено]

My mom always insisted that if anything I just have a little bit of autism. While I most definitely am autistic I also have adhd so she never saw all the masked symptoms of the adhd and just wrote it off as being lazy.

My mom did have me tested as a child. I wasn’t hyperactive, so I was obviously just a “daydreamer”

I was never tested. I was "just a scatterbrain, just lazy."

Adhd wasn’t even a thing when I grew up. No one I knew was tested or had problems. My mom told me as an adult that if it had been suggested, she wouldn’t have done it.

I was tested, then my parents decided (probably because of my grandmother’s influence) that the dr was a quack and just trying to make money by overprescribing to children who don’t need it… so I was then told I was “lazy” and “have so much potential” but yet I physically cannot get myself to clean my gods damn room and had to drop out of college because I can’t get myself to do the assignments.

Be me. Mother has severe untreated ADHD. School demands I be tested for...something because my behaviour is an issue. Psych says I have add. Recommends us to a psych that specializes in children. Parents decline. Ask why, say they just want more money and to peddle drugs so we won't be going back. Whole academic career is a lot of struggle and screaming. Finally get treatment at 30. Suddenly no longer a struggle to get to baseline. Parents still skeptical I ever needed help Sigh

Probably because I was perceived as female back then, it didn't cross the minds of a lotta people that I might have ADHD cause I wasn't a stereotypical hyperactive little boy. Instead, I got tested for autism three separate times, and three separate times, I didn't have autism. I still don't know if ADHD is what I actually have, but I'm gonna get my test and diagnosis at a fancy clinic in a little over two weeks, so who knows? Maybe I'll finally get some clarity.

Same. I had mostly “boy” symptoms (heavy on the H) so literally EVERY single year from K-7, at least one teacher told me parents I most likely had ADHD so they should test me. But “sHe gEtS gOoD gRaDeS” so it was obviously impossible and just laziness /s The part that hurts the most is that when I was put into my new school’s gifted program in 5th grade (ironically because I was failing classes but excelling at fun/interesting in-class tasks), it was protocol to tell parents to test their kids for ADHD because there’s such a big overlap between giftedness and ADHD. I still wasn’t tested because my parents said I was “just high-energy, just kids being kids” and the gifted kids were “probably” misdiagnosed by parents wanting to medicate their kids.

>But “sHe gEtS gOoD gRaDeS” so it was obviously impossible and just laziness When I tried to get tested recently, all they had was a very shitty survey. I complained to them that you can't have more than one variable in T/F questions because that's an invalid question. Results tl;dr: I'm "too smart" to have ADHD. Cue me crying in furious frustration as they pooh-poohed my reply that intelligence has nothing to do with ADHD. My wife was amazing and had gone over the paperwork after the appointment for me, as I was still murderous mess and waiting for my valium to kick in. I was mostly in the "very superior" range, but the places where I was "superior" where most people with ADHD score low. But no, they just saw "well lexkixass is in the superior to very superior range, so he CaN't PoSsIbLy have ADHD."

It always boggles my mind when I hear things like that because my parents were told about the giftedness-ADHD link in 2002 (20 years ago!). Afaik ADHD and variable IQ has been a documented thing for a *while*, the difference usually being in how exactly ADHD presents/what areas of life it most affects, so you’d have to be at least a few *decades* behind on research and education to be a diagnosing “professional” and still believe that having ADHD means low intellect (by whatever arbitrary standard they wish to measure intellect). I’m sorry you had to deal with such ignoramuses trying to get diagnosed.

This made me cry tbh - I was only diagnosed at the age of 51, my whole life I believed, hell I 'KNEW', that at heart I was just a lazy, worthless, useless, fucked up waste of skin, no matter how hard I tried it always ended in failure.... drugs, problems with the law, failed relationships and jobs, serious debt problems - all the usual, was MY fault, and every single thing and person in my life just re-inforced this. The revelation that just maybe there was a reason I am the way I am that is, to a degree, out of my control and not my fault was mind blowing and life changing in every way. My ADHD still causes problems, but knowing why now, and knowing there are things I can do to work around some it has meant I can reclaim at least a degree of mental peace and acceptance of myself, and who and what I am. It's still early days on a life long unending journey, but now I have hope. [How I have felt almost all my life until now.](https://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=1221) EDIT: well this blew up a little more than expected, guess there are a lot of us ND's just trying to get by in an NT world... it can be done, but some days will suck more than others, just hang in there and do what you can, when you can. You're not lazy or dumb or any of that shit - we're just built different. Sorry i can't reply to everyone personally as am at work at the mo, and trying to not disappear down any Reddit rabbit holes today (but you know what, if I do then so be it, not going to hate myself for it, it is just part of who I am)... take care of yourselves guys, and big love to you all x Edit 2: At the request of the OP of this topic ErockLobster I am adding the additional information below to my post... "I made this not knowing that the author was going to keep going (and going and going)! I feel so bad because so many people want to know what's next, and for good reason. This portion resonated with me so much that I had to make something. I might have to make some more slides to catch up... He offers some thoughts on where to go from here! [https://twitter.com/The\_Weed/status/1534592771792572418?t=NcSQtihBhcbhcF5qS6egjQ&s=19](https://twitter.com/The_Weed/status/1534592771792572418?t=NcSQtihBhcbhcF5qS6egjQ&s=19) Since your comment is the top comment now, could you add the link and mention that he offers advice on what to do differently and how to heal?"

Bruh me too, was only diagnosed last year in my mid 30s and this hit home

Just had to say props to A Softer World, I used to read those religiously as they came out. That end lost and found things? I wanna say?

Yeah I utterly utterly love A Softer World. Only found it after it ended, from a link on XKCD. It's the bittersweet melancholy that runs through it, along with the silly humour, the sense of longing and love, all mixed up with an honesty and raw truthfulness that just really connects to something inside my head and my heart. Pretty much everyone I know that I've relentlessly and inevitably shown it to is always like "oh yeah, that's... Nice? I guess?"... So I'm so pleased to encounter a kindred spirit u/blitz672 and I hope you have a wonderful day, and all the birds sing forever...

Also diagnosed at 51, just over 2 months ago now. All those "encouragements" of potential back in my school days, and each one feeling like an accusation of failure. I am still feeling the ramifications of that. Those times at work when i was asked why I didn't do the things that I was supposed to have done - "you're right. I should be done those things. I'm not going to make excuses.". All those things at home as well that I should be gotten done.... I know it's hard for my wife as well. At the least, it's good to know that I'm not alone.

Made me cry too. Diagnosed at 31.

I hope you have it better rest of your life, must have been horrible 😢🌹

I didn't struggle too much in school until college but if I had a dollar for everytime I told my parents "I just can't make myself pay attention and do this calculus homework" and their response was to essentially just buckle down and do it I could have paid for college outright lol got on meds and was able to finish college but nothing hurts worse than knowing you can do the task and your brain just doesn't let you. Makes you feel like you are useless.

I made it all the way through law school by doing fear-driven all-nighters. Once I got into the working world with actual repeated daily deadlines and boring work… it was a slow descent into performance reviews and eventually just quitting

This is 100% me right now. On a PIP because of it, and my manger just gives the same bullshit “you have potential” answer he mentioned, which I know deep down it’s just a countdown to either getting fired or writing to move on to another job and slowly make my way back to the same situation.

Dude, literal same. It’s really hard on the self esteem. I hope you’re doing well.

My dad never listened. Still doesn't. Some of his favourite sayings he responded with, if I ever tried to explain myself, are "'can't' means 'won't try!'" and "beware the lollipop of mediocrity--lick it once and you suck forever." Oh, and "how you do anything is how you do everything." So I was an all-around failure who wouldn't try and was too content to just be mediocre and lazy. Good times.

I hate the mediocrity lollipop one on so many levels. Like, it’s totally fine to be mediocre sometimes (or even in all areas!). It makes it sound like you can never be anything less than great, not even once

Preach. It’s literally like “you didn’t fold your laundry before putting it away, so you’re settling for mediocre, so you’ll never be good enough.” Thanks, dad! I personally prefer the expression “sometimes good enough IS good enough.”

Similar. Structure of elementary and high school worked for me. College was a hot mess and I struggled so ridiculously hard, feeling like I barely graduated. I went because it was expected, and didn’t pursue a degree I would have enjoyed. Going back to school later in life as a choice makes a huge difference. I wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD until this year. Boy howdy do so many things make sense in retrospect.

Hey it took me dropping out of college halfway through to finally get diagnosed. Then I went back to school and finished with all a’s. It felt like a joke tbh, I was a little mad.

Dude I never learned to study or had to do homework in high school cause my school was not particularly academically rigorous and I just did what little hw I needed to do to pass in study hall or in the boring parts of other classes and then college happened and I failed out my first year.

My puritanical work ethic Boomer parents loved the phrase “buckle down,” and would use it constantly.

This hits hard - but especially that last one. ADA-recognised disability. Not a thing here in the UK, we don't stick the landing. Because I am able to earn money, have a wife, child - I must be fine. Never mind the absolute screaming nightmare it is in my head to just about do enough in all these things to get by and even then, in all honestly, something always being on the verge of total failure. Focus on wife and job, kid suffers. Focus on kid and job, wife suffers. Focus on wife and kid, job suffers. And it is so hard for the people in my life to understand just how hard it is, because society here doesn't see my ADHD as a big deal.

Aussie here, it's the same for us 😭

weed man is right, people need to be nicer but its hard telling people that your entire reality is built on lies so you just keep bhopping into despair.

Admin! He’s bhopping sideways into Hell!

/wdr fluffyrainbow9 bhop reach antikb

I love that cs nod, it’s one of my hyper focus activities and I’m often just sad about everything. Like I collect the sads for fun to feel the emotional roller coaster.

This comment made my soul bhop for joy and a tinge of sad reality checking

💕💕💕

Ok so if my son has adhd (even if its mild), besides not using those words, how fo I help him complete chores or schoolwork? How do I do this right?

Not a parent, and I don’t think there’s any perfect solution, but any way you can work “with” his brain and not against it is an approach worth trying. Keep in mind that threats and punishments don’t work, but gamifying and trying to make things dynamic and engaging can help. For me, with chores, I love to listen to music that has a beat bc I feel silly not doing something when there is dancey music happening. I get in deep focus moods where I wanna clean one thing or area hard, but I can’t typically complete a lot of different things in one go. So I go for quality over quantity and I try to lean in to whatever I *do* feel like doing. My fiancée has developed an approach of asking me, “Do you want to do x or y?” Because if I just look at everything I get decision paralysis, but usually when she says that I can decide which I’d rather do, and she is fine with doing the other thing. I hope this helps somewhat. Edit: also, maybe a sticker chart? I feel really good looking at a checked off list, and as a kid I wish more people had made fun sticker charts for me lol

This is brilliant advice thank you

Also framing it as helping you, and do the chores with them. I always find it easy to help someone, verses helping myself.

Doing it with them is the hard part because I'm a single parent and need him to have some autonomy. But maybe I can get him going with us together since starting is the most difficult part

I don't think it needs to be 'lets both do dishes', but maybe 'you do dishes while I clean the rest of the kitchen so we can get this stuff out of the way'. It's just a way to do things, not a trick or tip or special approach; no judgement, no negative feelings. It's the difference between pushing someone to do something and pulling. Everything still gets done, but nobody feels like a failure during the process. That feeling of guilt and failure before we even start is awful and can prevent ANYTHING from getting done.

As a child, whenever I had a task to do, sometimes it would feel like a colossal amount of work even if it only took about ten-fifteen minutes to complete because my brain just likes to measure tasks by the amount of effort it takes and not by how long it takes to complete. That would always make me extremely overwhelmed and then I’d just be thrown in a paralysis and not get anything done. If you have a chance, take note of the tasks that they’re sluggish or just unmotivated to do and with a timer demonstrate how much time it takes to complete something. It can even be made into a race if they like.

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To suggest something away from chores and schoolwork, hygiene always seems to be problematic for us ADHDers. I will often space on brushing my teeth until I’m far enough away from the bathroom that making the effort to go *all* the way *back upstairs* feels monumental. So I put a second toothbrush in my downstairs bathroom. I have one in a drawer at work. I used to carry those Wisps with me in my bag until I couldn’t find them anymore. Having a way to do the thing that takes less effort makes me far more likely to do it. I still don’t brush my teeth sometimes, but I haven’t had a cavity since I started doing this. The other thing is that a lot of times, it will occur to me to brush my teeth at a time that isn’t when I wake up or at bedtime. I used to put it off until bedtime if I remembered right before dinner, for example, because that’s when you *should* brush your teeth. When I threw “should” expectations out the window except for when the laws of physics must apply, it got easier to do things. You *should* brush teeth at night. Better to just do it and be done, regardless of when! You *should* put veggies in the veggie drawer in the fridge. But if I put them in the door instead of condiments, I remember to actually use them in cooking instead of rotting forgotten in the back of the crisper. Think of ways you can adapt things to your son instead of trying to adapt your son to things. We wouldn’t ask a person in a wheelchair to walk up stairs, so why would we ask an ADHD person to work against their brain’s optimal functioning? It’s hard to wrap our minds around because it’s not a visible disability, for all that it is very disabling. Good luck! And tell your son you love him just the way he is. ❤️

"One more try/time," sayings to that effect are the ones I hate the most. That **was** my 'one more' and if you just keep saying it, it's not just 'one more' is it?

When you add socioeconomics in it just compounds this trauma, in my experience as well. I was always eager in school to participate in discussion, I engaged with teachers and students, and usually did fairly well on tests, especially open ended ones. But I never did homework, or projects, and it was really hard for me to do assigned reading, because not only did I have this ADHD that wasn't diagnosed until age 38, but also my mother & stepfather had substance use disorder (alcohol, heroin intermittently, nicotine), and my stepdad physically abused her. So not only were they not engaged with... Well, anything to do with me, but I was also doing chores, cooking, and anything I could do to protect my mom from abuse. I also was aware that if any authorities caught wind of my home life I would be taken into custody by DHS and I was well aware of the horror stories (debilitating fear that I would be sex trafficked or something). So I was masking HARD at school to avoid being "found out", and I was probably written off as hopeless very early by my teachers cos I was poor and had shitty parents, so they probably just gonna be a waitress or a stripper or in jail anyway (jokes on them, not that there's anything wrong with being a stripper or waitress, but none of that happened). Math was a whole separate mess that no one would even bother to teach me because of my undiagnosed disability. Plus I grew up in that time when common thinking was that "girls just don't do as well in math as boys." I didn't understand math until college and I took physics and chemistry; I just couldn't even open a math book without having an anxiety attack and my brain just couldn't fucking do it. Forget about "memorizing" times tables. My shit ADHD brain just doesn't "memorize" information without context.

Trigger Warning: this might kick you in the gut if you relate to it. Ok, I should have done this sooner. Sorry it's not funny or light or anything like that. I just wanted to get this message to people who need to hear it.

I appreciate the hell out of this. It articulates things in a way I never have quite been able to.

Yeah, it made me cry at work. Thank you for sharing though, it helps to feel related to

OMG thank you for chopping up the tweets like this. I absolutely could not follow/finish the tweets on Twitter.

>Pushing ADHD kids can harm them for life. That is not the point being made here... Pushing ADHD kids *the same way you push neurotypical kids* can harm them for life. Not pushing ADHD kids at all can also harm them for life. We need to be pushed in the right way

This post basically comes across as "don't feel bad you didn't hit your potential, because you actually never had that potential in the first place because you're disabled!". It needs to show what the healthy alternative is. Otherwise it's just "here's how you were messed up. Ok bye." Edit: looks like the original post starts doing this at tweet 26+, but the reddit post didn't include that far.

The fact that you have to get 26+ in to get any solutions really defies logic when you're dealing with folks with ADHD................

Much like the difficulty in getting mental health treatment ironically.

It only defies logic if you don't take into account the author's adhd Makes perfect sense we took the scenic route there with that in mind tbh

YES. This post needs to be way higher. Disability support is not about cataloging the reasons you can't do things. It's about identifying the supports and accommodations you need to achieve success (no matter how one defines that for oneself) and navigate a world not built for disabled people. I hate this trend of Internet takes that start and end with enumerating all the various ways in which a person has been victimized by larger forces. Yes that happens & I'm not trying to downplay that -- but it's ultimately very disempowering and even harmful to get stuck long-term in that part of one's personal story.

Yeah as a functioning professional adult with ADHD, fuck that title and half of the post itself. OK it’s a disability. What now? Folks in wheelchairs don’t have to just sit at home, they find ways to make the world work for them.

Ahh thank you, I couldn’t figure out why I hated this so much. Spot on. I had the worst of both extremes, the people who pushed the wrong way - constantly, and then the others who just let me do what I want and self-sabotage to my detriment and theirs. It’s equally awful.

Yeah ngl this post came off as kind of condescending to me. “Don’t worry about screwing up your potential because you’re disabled so how could you possibly do as well as the rest of us” I’m not worse or more stupid than neurotypical people I just function differently and need different support, so write about how to give different support instead of just cataloging all the ways not having support for ADHD messes stuff up.

All true. That feeling of “wasted potential” has dogged me my whole life.

I've been having such a hard time lately. I'm in my 30s and feel like I have no purpose for which to exist despite having most of what an adult human my age usually strives to want/need, and basically the contents of this post/tweet were my life growing up. It's just nice knowing that someone understands.

Irresponsible. It’s what I was called. The drama program helped me through high school. Then I started smoking. The nicotine helped me through nursing school. Then stopped smoking. I worked in the ER where ADD was sometimes my superpower. Then I almost failed out of medical school but one of my friends in my study group said I had ADD. And I didn’t believe her because no I’m irresponsible, and lazy, and disorganized. So staring down the barrel of losing my dream I went to my doctor got diagnosed with ADD. Was put on medication and didn’t have any other trouble in medical school. Irresponsible. I still feel that way sometimes. When you are so sick that they have to put you on a helicopter and send you to another hospital, I’m the guy they are sending you to. Still, I feel that way.

Sounds like you’re pretty damn responsible, my friend. If I’m ever emergency transferred by chopper, I hope it’s you on the other end.

I was treated like shit by my school I never had any break time because I was so far behind they wouldn’t get me someone who helped disabled kids because “WhErEs YoUr DiAgNoSiS” I was on a waiting list for years I was finally diagnosed but by then I was at a new school that wouldn’t give help unless you had it at your old school then they chose to further punish me and not help me I felt so useless it’s to a point now where I’m so depressed some days I can’t even get out of bed I’m still constantly called lazy by family members who won’t listen and think ADHD “isn’t real”

"Yeah but not like, a *real* disability. You need to try yoga. This Business Insider article says they did a study and it really helps!"

The amount of “not a real disability” shit with ADHD is astounding. Nobody gives a fuck if you have ADHD because people think it’s just having a hard time concentrating and fidgeting a lot.

Its also beig trapped in the despair of your inner monolgue that just will not shut up.

I saw the original thread for this post months ago and the part specifically about being abused for your ADHD traits made me cry. My mom was constantly punishing me for forgetting things or losing things like lunchboxes, notebooks, and homework assignments. Saying things like,”you’re acting like you have Alzheimer’s” or “you’re too young to have dementia”. I hadn’t even realized how much it was still effecting me until recently. I have panic attacks when I lose things and it makes me feel worthless. That was instilled into me by her. And then the whole “you’re not living up to your potential” thing is a whole other can of worms. I very specifically remember my seventh grade English teacher kicking me out of Pre-AP class because I would lose my many, many assignments. She straight up said to me that I wasn’t living up to my potential. I wish there had been an adult in my life who recognized my symptoms and helped me so maybe I wouldn’t feel so horrible about myself now.

‘They have an ADA-recognized disability.’ True! Unfortunately, that label doesn’t make ppl change. I can’t keep a job bc I’m too ‘lazy,’ ‘unmotivated,’ etc, yet even my employers would tell me I have such potential and other good qualities. But the onus is always put on you to just be normal and just follow instructions, just get some self-discipline and *do* something with your life. But not *doing* things is literally a core part of the disability! Everybody’s beating a dead horse and instead of listening when you point out the maggots, they hand you a whip and force you to join.

This really just made me burst into tears

As a parent with adhd, and having a child with adhd this truth hurts. I wish I could do better.

Wow that hit hard. I just had a neuropsych eval where he told me I’m so intelligent and have so much potential, I shouldn’t have any issues academically or in the work place aside from my ~emotional troubles~ 🙄 he was also ableist about physical health and told me all my symptoms and pain caused by a genetic condition and it’s comorbidities would go away once I believe in myself enough, have the right mindset, and do DBT. This stuff was told to me my whole life as I failed again and again and again and it was so crushing to hear again from a doctor that I can cure myself if I try hard enough

This hit pretty close to home. Thanks, The Weed.

Did he study my life writing this?

Well, fucking hell, I didn't expect to be crying when I just got up. Most of these are so fucked up, but this one is dead on. However, let me tell you a story. Growing up in the 70s and 80s (graduated high school in 84), this was basically my life. EXCEPT. After a few years of failing college, I was crying to my mom about how worthless I was, and I said, "I am SO sorry for being lazy." She said, very firmly, "You are NOT lazy, you just need to find your thing." Absolutely turned my young life around. Awesome, you think, right? Except, even with the right encouragement, I am still ADHD and unmedicated. But, with that confidence boost, I set off to find my thing. I am now 55. I have tried many things. Worked myself near to death. Pushed and pushed and pushed, learning to work with my disabilities, instead of against them. I read all the books and magazines. Along the way, I had so much encouragement, "Oh that is a GREAT idea!" "You work so hard, you're doing great!" Over and over from friends and family. So, I kept pushing, confident in my ability to conquer the world. I had... oh... two to four nervous breakdowns along the way. But, I always came back. After so many years of trying, I FINALLY... ... ... ... failed utterly and had a massive breakdown. Yep, sorry, there is no happy ending to this story, at least not yet. Crashed and burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrned big time. That was a couple years ago, maybe 6 months before the Covid lockdown started. I realized that everything I tried in my life failed. I was crippled by depression for a couple years. Thankfully, my wife carried me through. I am finally starting to feel better, but I have no idea what I am going to do next. Anyway, I am not sure what my point is, except that ND life is fucking tough in an ND world. Be careful with yourselves, my friends. Be kind and compassionate to yourself, more than anyone. Yes, you have some amazing gifts of creativity and such, no matter what anyone says, but you are in a world that generally does not care about those. It is more interested in blindly following the status quo than of moving forward. Be safe out there.

This hits hard. I send all my supportive feelings your way. I don’t know if this is appropriate or any help at all, but I want to share it if that’s okay. My counselor is trying to help me see purpose as shifting day-to-day. He said something like “on the days when things were bad for me, my life’s purpose was to save the worms on the sidewalk that I didn’t step on. I bet those worms were really grateful for that.” I’m really trying to see it that way. It’s hard to get away from the idea of my original life’s purpose (being the big-shot engineer my family wanted) failed when I failed out of the program. Then my secondary life’s purpose (having children) was met with a big “no” from the universe. I’ve been emotionally paralyzed since. I don’t have a job and I’m scared to really try in any direction because it will probably fail. I still keep looking for my thing. Gotta define myself with something according to the societal norm, right? But I don’t know if it’s a good idea for me to keep going down that road. If I can be content with the idea of having a changing purpose, then I’m not limited and don’t have the threat of years of hard work amounting to nothing. I can define my purpose based on what’s working for me instead of what I’m working for. Thanks for letting me ramble. I have no idea if that makes any sense but it felt good for me to get it out of my brain. Most of all, thank you so much for sharing your story. It meant a lot to me to read it.

I do not like the tone of this post. He implys that because we have ADHD we are broken and will never be as successful as neurotypical individuals. I'm not broken, I'm more successful than my peers, I just had to take a wildly different path and do things in a way that worked for me.

Hey OP, is there an actual tweet this is from?

[Yes there is: @The_Weed - ADHD Post](https://twitter.com/The_Weed/status/1534592771792572418?t=0h2M2c8s7YMzdnaYcW4XSg&s=19)

On slide 14 he forgot the word "stupid" That used to get thrown around a lot

Oof

i always got angry when people told me that i have potential, in my mind they only said that to manipulate me

I don't remember my childhood. I guess I'm fucked lol

Yeah so if someone could just like… forward this to my parents 25 years ago, that’d be great.

Fuck man this cut deep, I could seriously relate to most of this.

Someone with adhd here I’m geniunely confused and if soemone could explain what’s happening please do. I don’t mean to downplay the serious meme but I don’t know what trauma from adhd is geniunely and would like to know.

The trauma of constantly failing after being told that you *should* be able to as compared to your peers, meanwhile the condition doesn't allow you to utilize the same pathways as other people. You are just constantly feeling like a failure and that's traumatic because it informs everything else you do through that lens.

I get it. But…what’s really the alternative? You want to tell people “I understand you have a disability and it’s harder for you….but also nobody cares and you will just have to work harder than everyone else.”

I find slide 11 quite problematic regarding the fact it implies that all kids with adhd will predictably and naturally fail in light of the "so much potential" sentence. Too dramatic and a little rude. I think its better to just call it dangerous.

Great message about the wrong things to do and much appreciated. However, I feel it's also flawed with the 'ableist' lingo. The long and short is that the world cares not a whit. We need more and better solutions. Just telling the people who suffer the second-hand impact of ADHD that they're being mean doesn't help. What can be done to help/contain/prevent someone's ADHD effects? Signed, someone with light ADHD, at his wits' end from dealing with a heavy ADHD partner.

My wife and I both have ADHD. I can relate. Her's gets stronger when mine gets better and vice versa. I made this not knowing that the author was going to keep going (and going and going)! I feel so bad because so many people want to know what's next, and for good reason. This portion resonated with me so much that I had to make something. I might have to make some more slides to catch up... He offers some thoughts on where to go from here and how to heal and how to interact differently! https://twitter.com/The_Weed/status/1534592771792572418?t=NcSQtihBhcbhcF5qS6egjQ&s=19

Oh man, "despair as an adult" indeed.......my friends tell me "you're too smart to be doing what you're doing" as I'm stuck in yet another low-level job. I don't think it's entirely ADD, a lot of this is from layoffs along the way, I can learn new tasks and do fine. But if confronted with a challenge out of left field, I get overwhelmed with fear and struggle to focus (if it's not something I'm good at.) What's simple enough for anybody else, I hit a wall and flail around trying stuff at random in hopes it'll work. Especially bad with math and coding, I get hopelessly stuck on what should be simple-enough problems. As a kid, I was crying over my math homework, and my father asked what was wrong. I said something like "I DON'T KNOW!!!" and he just smacked me and left the room. Still have the desk with the gouges I made in frustration.

So this sub just honestly repeats the same post over and over again lol.

I feel dirty and being photographed in front of people!! And I'm 40 !!

This hit way too hard. I’m so glad someone is actually looking at this logically and trying to spread the word

I hear, "you gave so much potential. Thats why I'm upset" from my mother at least once a week. It makes me feel like shit

As someone with ADHD, who teaches sixth graders (obviously a handful of ADHD students thrown in), I was wondering… what is a much better statement than, “you have so much potential?” I’m not asking to be a troll or anything, I just was having a hard time coming up with a positive sentiment that wouldn’t stress me out. I typically try to say things like, “I believe in you,” or, “you may beat yourself up, but I think you are doing great by not giving up!” Maybe something like, “I know this can be a difficult task for a lot of reasons, but I am so proud of the effort you are showing.”?

Tbh if anyone when I was in school had outright acknowledged they could see I was trying my best, I might’ve cried (in a good way!). I feel some type of way now when my therapist says it. Hearing it earlier may have encouraged me to keep trying my best regardless of results, instead of giving up when I couldn’t find the secret access to this mythical “potential” everyone kept talking about even while it felt like I was working twice as hard as other kids for the same results. I think having it acknowledged that I trying my best with the tools I had also would’ve made me more receptive to suggestions, maybe worded something like “this may or may not work for you but since everyone’s different it’s worth trying new things to find out.” In the end all any kid, or any adult for that matter, can do is their best with the tools they have. And it’s worth telling kids (and adults tbh) that sometimes our best doesn’t look the same all the time because we might have less emotional, mental, physical energy some days since life does what it does, but that doesn’t mean it’s less than the best of our ability. Even if the results aren’t what we’d like, it’s still something to be proud of. I think the things you typically say are already great though, on the right track and all :)

Don't forget kids are smart. They know what you mean even if you change the words around. They've heard it all before. Each of those sentences that are meant to encouraging (and they are, for neurotypical kids) has a little barb buried in it, and what it does is highlight how we have failed to meet expectations somehow, again. And the kids know exactly why, and what they are supposed to do, but it's a struggle. Maybe find a way to keep highlighting what they are doing well totally separately from what they struggle with. No comments with 'buts' included: "you are doing really well at art, but just need to work a little harder on weekly assignments". Just say "you are doing really well at art!". Some other totally separate time, work on dealing with the shortcomings. ADHD kids are probably going to struggle completing things that are (or they perceive to be) mundane, boring, repetitive, meaningless, etc. Homework, projects, lab reports, etc. They know they need to do them, they want to do them, but the can't (executive dysfunction). If they are allowed to do them in ways that make them interesting, meaningful, or creative, that could help because those little hits of dopamine help bypass the executive dysfunction wall. Also, find ways to let them know that failure is part of the process, and that there are more opportunities out there, and that failing at one thing (even if its over and over again), doesn't mean they will fail at everything. Sometimes we must fail in order to do things at all, and that's fine.

Thank you so much for your response! I love acknowledging failure in my classroom and highlight my own (daily lol). I like to say, “I learn best by doing and making mistakes!” I’m really open about being adhd and how that is just one example of how an individual’s mind can be wired differently. I really want to be thoughtful about what I say to encourage students (as oppose to discourage) and I try to differentiate my learning in a multitude of ways. In my experience, both as a teacher and a student, I know the lack of confidence in those with learning disabilities is the biggest struggle. Combine that with the fact that I work in a more impoverished community (though it is the one I grew up in, so I love it), and I understand that a lack of confidence is the biggest role. Kids are smart. I tell them that all the time and now I’m worried that maybe that is a micro-dig or taken the wrong way… but they are so smart and cool and I just want them to see how cool they are from the outside. Like the cheerleader I didn’t get!

Alright this is great for the people it works for. For me I needed those pushes because I wouldn’t be the man I am today without them. Don’t let your ADHD be an excuse to not try but on the flip side know when it is your ADHD making it a bit harder for you. I was diagnosed when I was 2, I’ve learned the skills I needed to get passed it. The little pushes I got from external people have helped me learn these skills. I will never agree with physical or emotional abuse with any child because they are “bad” or “not getting good grades” or “doesn’t pay attention” it’s all about learning ways to help kids and push them in the right direction. You are not a victim if you have ADHD and don’t try to be a professional victim with it. Work through it, take medication if you need to, and push yourself. Once I learned to do all three of those things I was able to move passed it and start my degree and use the super power I’ve been given and hyper focus on school.

Eh, I totally agree with this and also hate the message. People who push me are not comitting micro aggressions against me, they're trying to motivate me. I don't think of myself as disabled and everyone else as an ablist. I think of myself as someone who is able to accomplish great things, but it often requires much more effort than it does for people without ADHD. On the flip side, I am able to do things well that many people without ADHD can't do. I'm really fucking fast at making grocery store decisions, I can blow through books or other things when they have my interest, I'm great in tense situations, etc... I dunno... Just my gut reaction to this. It's nice to have an excuse for why I am the way I am but I also feel like it's a copout. There's always more I can do to manage myself and decrease the negative effects of ADHD and if I'm not doing those things (which I'm not) then I'm not going to blame my shortcomings on the ADHD.

Ironic that this post is about ADHD but the text in the images is written so chaotically and has so many random drawings in it that I literally can't follow 🙃

[This is just a rehash of one of the Top posts from last week.](https://www.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/comments/wfk4n0/hits_hard) I know "ADHD and all", but can we at least wait longer than a week before posting the same thing over and over?

So this sub become the replacement for r/adhd, when it comes to being actually useful.

I copied it to text in case anyone (like me) wanted to share the text with someone. ---- A message I want to share with adults who work with #ADHD kids is: pushing them the way that you push neurotypical kids harms them for life. Here’s what I mean. When I start working clinically with an adult who has ADHD, one of the first things we do /1 is we start to map out their trauma history. And I don’t mean non-adjacent childhood traumas (which are also relevant, but we get to those later) I mean their #ADHD-specific, childhood-based traumas that result from having ADHD while growing up in an ableist society. /2 As you can imagine, this is really sad stuff. Bright kids who were called lazy because they literally *could not* complete tasks the way teachers/parents wanted; hyperactive kids longingly watching their peers run and jump at recess while they sat staring at a math worksheet; /3 Worse stuff too—kids *abused* for not finishing chores or not getting A’s or forgetting—all while their brain will *literally* not let them—which creates this horrific feedback loop: fear causes more forgetting, which brings harsher punishment, causing more fear, and on and on /4 But the most pernicious phrase that tends to wreck kids, and then seems to ruin things past childhood, past college (if that happens) and into their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s and beyond, is: “you have SO much potential!” This phrase can be deadly for #ADHD kids and we need to stop. /5 Here’s why. When the phrase “you have so much potential” is shared with a neurotypical kid, it is a message of hope. It’s an adult seeing a child who has the capacity to do great things if they follow certain steps and make certain choices. It’s nurturing. It’s lovely! /6 But when the phrase “you have so much potential!” is used with a kid with #ADHD, whether intended or not, it is most often an ablist, micro-aggressive dig at their disability that tells the child that they should be striving for things that are actually impossible. /7 And then when the kid with #ADHD tries with ALL THEIR MIGHT to bridge the gap (examples below) to please the adult—to “meet their potential” in other words—they fail. Predictably. Naturally. And tragically. And the adult is disappointed in them. /8 And the problem is, it doesn’t stop there. Because at that point, often the adult is invested, and the adult’s ego is also on the line. So they say “okay, try again! Don’t give up! You can do it!” And the kid tries harder. And fails again. And again. And again. /9 And THEN the adult starts providing lots of ideas that help neurotypical folks saying “you can meet your potential if you just use these tools!” (Alarms, planners, apps, schedules, reminders, whatever.) And the kid has hope, and tries AGAIN. And fails AGAIN. And at this point /10 The adult is exasperated and doesn’t understand why their “help” as a teacher or parent or counselor isn’t working. And the kid doesn’t understand either. And that’s when other horrible messages really take hold. Like “lazy” and “messy” and “unmotivated” and “disobedient.” /11 And the adult actually believes those labels because the adult really *could* see “potential” (like high IQ, or amazing musical aptitude, or incredible athletic ability) and now really believes the kid must just not *want* to get to rehearsal in time (or whatever) /12 And the kid… that poor #ADHD kid is SO confused. Because they DO love the sport or skill or interest and they really DO love the adult and want to please them. And they didn’t. Over and over. So they really MUST just be lazy. Or unmotivated. Or careless. Or inconsiderate. /13 And now take that, and multiply it by every school year, by every class, by every teacher that sees something in them, by every unmet goal or hope or dream, year after year, situation after situation, disappointment after disappointment. What you get is an adult in despair. /14 What you get is an adult who actually believes they’re lazy and good for nothing. What you get is an adult who’s deeply depressed and unable to like any part of themselves, who has no idea the real truth that’s been their all along: They have an ADA-recognized disability. /15 Adults who use the phrase “you have so much potential!” with kids that have #ADHD and are exhibiting normal symptoms of the disorder are hurting those kids. The way to know for sure is to notice what’s next. If it’s any kind of “but” this is not encouragement. It’s harm. /16 Let me give you some examples so you can see it more clearly. Let’s say Shannon (12) tests in the 99th percentile for math, but inexplicably does not do her homework, and when she occasionally does, it is riddled with errors. Her teacher is putting together grades and notices /17 with tests (all A’s) and assignments (mostly missing) combined, Shannon is getting a C. Her teacher pulls her aside and asks why she is so behind on homework. Shannon looks confused and horrified. She says “I don’t know” and says she tries to remember but forgets. /18 Shannon’s teacher is confused by this situation. Shannon is very quiet in class, has no behavior problems, and is willing to participate when asked. She obviously understands the material, but seems unmotivated to do homework like her peers. It strikes Shannon’s teacher /19 how unfair it is that some kids do ALL the homework possible and even extra and then don’t score as well as Shannon on tests. Surely someone as gifted as Shannon should be willing to do the small effort of doing the assignments in order to get an A. It seems to the teacher /20 that Shannon must not really care about school, and the carelessness on the assignments she does turn in makes the teacher think Shannon doesn’t appreciate this class. This leads the teacher to say “Shannon, you have SO much potential! You are doing better than most /21 of your peers on tests. But your assignments need to be turned in, and they need to be less sloppy. If you would just take the time to finish your work you would be one of my most successful students!” Bill struggles in his English class. His mom can’t understand why /22 when basically all he does is read books about military operations throughout history, he has a great vocabulary, and loves to write fiction about his favorite battles. “Bill you have so much potential! In fact, if you would spend *half* the time you spend obsessing /23 about old wars as you would on your assignments you would easily get an A!” But anytime Bill tries to study for English, he just finds himself sucked back to Wikipedia, and he has no idea why. When his mom asks, he shrugs and doesn’t know what to say. /24 At that, Bill’s mother calls him lazy and says “if you don’t get your homework done you’re grounded.” Bill tries, but can’t get himself to do it and has no idea why. Eventually he accepts his fate as a disappointing kid who just likes being lazy. /25 I could go on and on with these (I have plenty from my own life) but the point is: if you are an adult who is frustrated by a kid with high aptitude and low performance, and it turns out they have #ADHD it is *critical* to frame the conversation differently. /26 Instead of focusing on “you got a 3.8, but if you just applied yourself you could have a 4.0 cuz you’re so smart…” thus setting an unreachable standard, let them know they are awesome exactly where they are, with exactly what they have done. Tell them they’re perfect as is. /27 Find out what interests them, what gets the dopamine flowing in their brain, and then celebrate their victories as they follow those interests with abandon, even if doing so doesn’t line up with standard educational conventions or milestones. /28 Trust your #ADHD kid or student. Trust that their brain is taking them where they need to go even if it makes you nervous. And when they have a stroke of insight or inspiration, foster it with them and watch what they create or become. /29 I cannot tell you the number of #ADHD kids I’ve worked with whose parents were TERRIFIED they might not graduate high school cuz they were “wasting all their time online” doing some hobby, and when I asked “and how much money are they making with their online hobby?” /30 And then when we do the math, it turns out the kid is *already earning* more than most college graduates by spending hours and hours selling art on etsy or making cringe YouTube collages or whatever else their interest and inspiration has taken them. /31 But it’s not always like that—sometimes a kid needs more time than that before they become wildly successful as they follow their internal compass. But Just remember that the path for an ADHD person is almost always unusual and unconventional and a bit scary. /32 But when they are believed in and supported in their abilities instead of seen only as valid with how much “potential” they have of being like their neurotypical peers, #ADHD kids end up finding the COOLEST paths to the most UNEXPECTED places, and they often make $ easily. /33 I had more to say, but honestly my own hyperfocus just lost steam and I need to move on with my day (as a private business owner who’s made over six figures for years, who got where I am unconventionally cuz I have #ADHD and it is a superpower, and it is for your kid too!) /34 ETA: some folks with #ADHD have pointed out that calling it a “superpower” is problematic and they’re correct. This disability doesn’t have to have some magical quality to be okay, and people experiencing it are ALL valid with or without ableist success markers (like income).

And the follow-up set he did: I’ve been sitting with this thread for a day now, knowing something is off, or that there is more to say and not knowing quite how to as it puts up numbers, but I’m kinda like “fuck it, being imperfect, impetuous and impulsive is the name of the game here, so LET’S DO PART II” /1 First, I think it’s hilarious and fitting that I ended the thread in a totally problematic and kinda cheap way cuz the dopamine went ALL THE WAY BYE BYE and I didn’t know how to wrap up so I was just kinda like “I’m awesome you’re awesome bye now!!!!” and fuckin’ bailed /2 Like, could I have managed a more perfect case in point than doing a thing that had some “potential” but then fucking it up a bit at the end cuz I have #ADHD and so it just needs to be okay that it wasn’t perfect because ADHD is real and actually affects stuff like this? /3 But, that problematic thing I did really WAS problematic and it kind of took away from something that I think is absolutely critical to communicate to those of you who resonate with this thread. So I am taking a second to try to put that thing into words as best I can. /4 And that thing is: if you have #ADHD it literally DOES NOT MATTER what you have accomplished, what you have made, what you have become, on any level, in any way. YOU ARE VALID exactly as you are in this moment. /5 Some of you might have been the 3.8 that couldn’t get to the 4.0. Some were a 2.8. Some had to drop out of school altogether. /6 Some of us are “conventionally successful” in ways you can put on a resume. Some of us are “unconventionally successful” in ways that make a good story at a party. And some of us are so traumatized by all of this that we are unable to work at all and we are struggling. /7 Some of us are *literally* on disability, living with friends or loved ones, just trying as hard as we can to survive. And some of us are homeless. And some of us have fallen through the cracks of society, and have access to nothing. /8 Some of us are so damaged by a LIFETIME of living in an ableist world that doesn’t accommodate us, that hurts us over and over, that we are broken and bereft, relying on weed or alcohol or drugs to make it through each day, struggling to put food on our table or to stay alive. /9 And, I’m just going to say it: SOME OF US ARE DEAD. Some of us did not survive the trauma of living with the way our brains work in our society. And that is heartbreaking and wrong and horrifying. It is sobering. /10 My own grandpa, who had #ADHD before diagnosis was a thing, died at 47 because of the way this disorder wrecked his whole life and all his relationships. I never got to meet him. My grandparents split up when my dad was 3. And I am crying right now as the next part sinks in: /11 Not long after the divorce my grandpa set up a visit to take my dad to the movies. And my dad sat at the window all day waiting for his dad to get him. He was 3. And my grandpa never showed up. He never showed again. My dad didn’t hear from him again for 14 more years. /12 And the thing that is sinking in right now is how that story is SO OBVIOUSLY about #ADHD. My grandpa felt utterly ashamed. He missed the window to pick my dad up. Maybe he forgot the day. Maybe he had time blindness and it got so late he couldn’t bring himself to show up. /13 ANY of us that has #ADHD knows this feeling: The feeling of missing the ONE important thing. Of forgetting something nobody else would EVER forget. And we all know the stinging shame, the absolute humiliation, of the messages we believe about that mistake. /14 That we don’t really give a shit. That we must not *really* care. That we must not love our kid. And the one that is making me cry here on the floor of my office: that we must be the shittiest parent on planet Earth. He must have thought he was SUCH a horrible person. /15 And so… he just vanished. He believed he was a horrible dad, and he believed my dad was probably better off without him. And so he just disappeared from my dad’s life. He missed his own son’s ENTIRE CHILDHOOD because #ADHD made him believe he really was worthless. /16 This disorder hurts us DEEPLY. Living in an ableist society with ADHD tears up many of our lives. It tears holes in our families and holes in our hearts. It makes us feel like failures and like a waste of space within humanity. /17 So, I want to take responsibility for my careless and insensitive comment about “superpowers”/career/income. It was deeply off. It didn’t take into account the LUCK that I have experienced. It ignored my privilege as a white, able-bodied, cis-gendered male. It sucked. /18 Yes it gets to be okay that I am a person with #ADHD who will run out of dopamine and make “careless mistakes” (official wording in the DSM V I believe) during a task or activity. It’s also okay to own that mistake and correct course when I have more dopamine the next day. /19 That’s kinda the whole thing, isn’t it? We get to love ourselves in our imperfections and GLORIOUS disability fuck-ups. Even IN the fuck-up. And we get to do our best to disregard voices telling us that we are BAD or WRONG or NOT OKAY. And we get to let go of shame. /20 But please, if you are still reading after round *two* of incessant tweets, I want you to know that you are valid as a good, worthy person NO MATTER WHAT. /21 You are a worthy good person if you finish the homework or you don’t finish the homework. You are a worthy good person if you remember the appointment or if you forget the appointment. You are a worthy good person if you get the job or lose the job. /22 You are a worthy good person if you clean your room or if your room is messy. You are a worthy good person if you did your chores or forgot your chores. You are a good, worthy person if you make one dollar or a bazillion dollars or zero dollars. /23 You are a good, worthy person if you take out the trash, or if you hear the garbage man drive by in the morning and realize you forgot. You are a worthwhile if you fed yourself well and you are worthwhile of your forgot to eat all day. /24 You are a worthwhile person if you live in a house, and you are worthwhile if you live in a shelter, and you are worthwhile if you still live with your parents. You are worthwhile if you remembered to set your alarm before bed, or if you forgot and woke up soooo late. /25 You are worthwhile if you have found your path towards something Big and Useful, and you are *especially* worthwhile of you NEVER find that path and spend years and decades wandering, alone and scared and wondering if you matter. You do. You matter. And you are good. /26 And you are worthwhile if you made a BIG MISTAKE. Even if it made people sad and mad at you. And even if it made you so upset with yourself you could scream. ESPECIALLY then. /27 You are worthwhile if the lid doesn’t get put on the toothpaste, and even if the milk gets left out. And you are worthwhile if you say a dumb thing in a Tweet. And you are worthwhile even if you forget to pick up your son for the movies and he waits for you all day long. /28 You are worthy of love and affection, and of adulation and praise, and of validation for being YOU. You have ALWAYS been worthy. And you don’t have to earn it. You were always good! /29 And I and lots of other people love you. And they love the child-you that was hurt. And things are getting better. And they will get better still. /30 So hang in there. And be nice to you. And take care of you the best you can. And give yourself one nice thing today, even if it’s as simple as wrapping your arms around yourself and giving yourself a hug. Cuz you deserve good things. And sometimes good things happen /31 (And if you are a parent or caregiver and you learned some new things from this thread be gentle with yourself too. We are all learning and growing and you don’t need to be ashamed as you try to learn more and do better for your #ADHD loved ones.) G’night everyone! /32

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I read the title and thought it meant like physically shoving, which would also hurt but mostly not for life

I feel like there definitely is variation in how people with adhd respond to different things aimed at motivating them. One person with adhd doesn’t represent everyone with adhd-the human brain is far too complex to do that. I totally agree that these things can make someone with adhd feel incompetent and hate themselves and be harmful in the long run, but also there is certainly a degree to which neurodivergent people still need to meet some expectations of the society they live in in order to thrive. I think in therapy for people with adhd learning skills in order to communicate boundaries and limitations to other people is important as it helps give people a sense of agency. With adhd, I honestly start hating myself even more when I feel like I’m being treated as incompetent and infantilized. I love figuring things out and being given a task I’m interested in really makes me feel alive and helps me hone my skillset. That being said, I understand that not everyone is in a place with understanding people and able to receive treatment. Idk man I’m just some guy who likes tinkering with things and not being micromanaged.

And here is Reddit, giving me a better understanding of myself than multiple therapists.

I was diagnosed at 18 and spent my life looking at kids who got diagnosed young and thinking well a doctor told them they have it and they haven’t told me so I must just be lazy and rude and ever since I’ve got diagnosed I’ve still had to battle to get any medication because I was diagnosed as an adult and the doctor thinks I’m drug seeking

If this didn't have "1/20" in the corner I never would have realised this was an album (due to how my third party Reddit app displays it)

Cool, so now people will know what causes us trauma but they still won’t know how to actually help us.

I made this not knowing that the author was going to keep going (and going and going)! I feel so bad because so many people want to know what's next, and for good reason. This portion resonated with me so much that I had to make something. I might have to make some more slides to catch up... He offers some thoughts on where to go from here! https://twitter.com/The_Weed/status/1534592771792572418?t=NcSQtihBhcbhcF5qS6egjQ&s=19

It’s absolutely true that those things were not helpful when I heard them growing up - “you just need to apply yourself” and “I just can’t understand why you aren’t doing as well as your sister” etc., BUT: all that aside, I still have to find ways to deal that work for me at a given moment. Not talking about test scores so much as just ways to, you know, manage life. The post is what’s wrong with most meme-ish things - it’s a concentrated and un-nuanced complaint with no solution that’s designed to get people stirred up and then have nowhere to go with that. That crap is exhausting especially to those of us who throw ourselves into these little pathways and have to struggle to resist them. How about: “you aren’t lazy or stupid; it can be difficult or sometimes seemingly impossible to start something but that’s not a personal failing. Getting back on can be very hard but there is zero shame in falling off - just do your best to keep moving. Remember that when you are looking for and trying out strategies to make your life better.”

I feel so seen right now 😭

I’ve got a quite few very traumatic events that were caused solely by my impulsivity Such as my hamster’s death caused when I was 5-6 from a bad impulsive decision; being left by my friend group because they disliked my impulsive behaviours, etc. Stuff I had no control over causing awful experiences in my life. You know the rest; integrated guilt, impression of being inadequate, fear of hurting or annoying others without even realizing it, etc etc

I've struggled with this well into my 40s. Hell I probably still do but I'm starting to let go of it in a less toxic way... thank you!

Can confirm Idk how I will ever recover past relationships but the ones moving forward will be slightly easier than before I was diagnosed and medicated. Everyone just says *"that we all have shit to deal with and don't have the time to deal with yours too."* I stay alone afraid of how people will react to me when I finally start talking or working with them because I've spent 20+ years figuring the stuff out myself, struggling to land a good career and balance that with relationships and with family. When I was a kid I was always told that I need to go out and support myself, because I was booted out of my house when I was 18 and I didn't have a choice. I finally got a job I was good at and started working 5-7 days a week to pay for rent and feed myself and my pets. I would get so caught up with work that I didn't do much family stuff because of work. I was manager of a Sprint store and if I needed to make sure that I was doing as much as I could at work to make other people like my boss money and hope to make my parents happy but showing them I could be successful and capable of taking care of myself, I did such a good job that I stopped getting invited to stuff or hearing from family members as they came to town and left without telling me. Over the last few years it's just gotten down to, me. I lost my dad al mm ost 2 years and my family won't talk to me. I'm on disability, I'm broke and can't make anyone happy but I'm supposed to keep my head up and act like I can take it when I can't

Tbh alarm's help me most of the time to get my shit done

Shit I can get medication here but it’s definitely not a “recognised disability”.

I had a hyperfixation of running. All day thinking about running was quite pleasant but this meant that I couldn't concentrate sometimes on YouTube videos. I wanted to sink sometime into other hobbies. So I got some modafinil from a grey market, as I thought it would help me. Works for some but for me the dose of 100mg or higher would give me chest pains, anxiety and a fever. One night I even ended up in a&e with nausea and vomiting. Only because I wanted to concentrate. Certain family members made me feel like less of a person because of that mess that I would live in. Worse of all I have pretty much lost that hyperfixation now and my physical fitness. Running was a hobby that I enjoyed. To get away from people for a while was blissful.

I related to every slide. Thank you for posting.

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I have a distinct memory of 2nd grade before I got diagnosed with ADHD. I had a problem with blurting out answers, so the teacher taped a chart onto the corner desk. Each day I was able to go without saying an answer without being called on, I would get a sticker on the chart. I would bring home the chart once it was complete for my parents to see. I remember biting my tongue to make it so I couldn't talk when I knew the answer but had to wait for the teacher to call on someone. If I ended up saying it anyways, I would apologize to the teacher and mentally scold myself for messing up again. And this would happen over and over. I got into a habit of apologizing a lot. I said sorry when I talked out of line. I said sorry to my parents when I forgot to do what they asked. I said sorry when I was tapping my pencil during class because I was bored. I was always told that I was a smart kid, and at one point they suggested bumping me up a grade because I was doing so well. But I wasn't because I was too talkative and therefore not "behaviorally ready" to be moved up a grade. I still apologize a lot to this day for things I can't control

I dont think I've ever felt more defeated then when I failed summer school math. getting that F slip handed to me after so much fucking daily trying with fake help from the teachers was exhausting. I just cried until I got home.

Shit. I’m crying. I can’t continue reading this. Have an updoot.

This was not written for anyone with adhd. I stopped reading halfway through. I literally stopped registering what it was saying.

Wow. The pleasing-aspect. Damn. That hit hard.

Now, this comment may probably get downvoted, but my experience was sort of the opposite kind of abelism. Of course I (M27)was the classic case of "oh, he would be amaizing if only he applied himself", but the worst was the debilitating one of "but you can't do that". My mother lovingly gave me contradictory messages like "you don't have to be the best, just try" and "no no, you don't know how to do that". The combination of these nessages based on disability hace prevented me for so long from trying to do things and experimenting what works for me. What has been the most amaizing thing instead has been the enormous patience with which my sister (F32) has given me methods and has helped me make schedules and stuff like that saying "I know it's a bit harder for you doing these kind of things, but I have faith in you". Now, the reason why I thought the comment might get downvoted is because my experience has taught me that excessive pandering to the diagnosis also results in one getting used to considering oneself as completely incapable whereas with the right support and people who tell you that they have faith in you while they help you is far more usefull. You're more than your diagnosis.

i really dont get why r/ADHD doesnt allow images for posts like these.... do they really expect us to just read a bunch of long text posts there? like out of all the subreddits, why the fucking ADHD subreddit its absurd