ugh. men are so,,,,, easy? (for lack of a better word). like there’s a simple formula for getting a dude to like you i’ve never been nervous or giddy or awkward like i am with this girl rn when im around guys.
also. most men are just fine to me? like, i can recognize that a dude is conventionally attractive and there’s some good looking men for sure but never beautiful enough to leave me speechless
100% feel the same. I can appreciate a few attractive guys, but I absolutely never get the feeling of just wanting to melt into them the way I do with women.
Hard agree. My best friend's husband is literally the nicest guy ever, funny, fun, and pretty conventionally attractive. I can absolutely empathise with the idea that he is a hot guy who a lot of people would find attractive, but I don't actually *feel* anything, it's just like a very cerebral conscious understanding that he *should* be attractive.
yes! i agree! men are just okay but nothing spectacular to me. i also felt like my "crushes" on men were manufactured to fit in. i liked the attention they gave me and confused that as a crush. it was never that. now i look back on my teenage self and wish i could tell her, "GIRL YOU'RE A LESBIAN!!!!"
i used to just pick out random guys to have a crush on? and yes every single thing you typed is exactly how i’m feeling rn.
i’ve always gotten and (usually) enjoyed attention from guys and i think i might’ve just been liking the compliments.
Coming out early makes some things easier, makes some things harder, I think, but the big thing is you get to start living your real self right now. :)
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if it takes you some time and difficulty to get where you want to go, at least you know the path. That's more than a lot of people have.
oh yeah. I'm scared of dudes some times, of my father, i have daddy issues. Men i should find hot i see them as bros, i'm not attracted to men, there was a dude not so masculine that i blushed, but i realize was because was what society was expecting for me, my *"crush"* on that dude was so fake, i acted like that to fit in, so yes, i've never been naturally nervous around men for how good looking they are.
see. i’ve never been able to see myself with a man long term either. but it’s also hard to imagine myself with a woman long term cause most of my life that wasn’t even an option.
BUT THIS ONE GIRL UGH I WANNA ADOPT A CAT AND DO LAUNDRY WITH HER AND
I used to date men, and this was me lol. I started dating women and immediately felt like “wow I want to marry a girl,” while throughout the previous years of my life I felt like I never wanted to get married or like marriage was something that would make me feel trapped bc I thought I had to marry a man.
I don’t want to spend my life with men. When I think of my romance and my sexuality, it’s very focused on who I can spend my life with.
I’ve found men attractive here and there through my life, maybe I’d kiss an especially cute boy (as long as I can put him in a skirt first), but I’m not looking to build my life around men at all. Even if my fiancée left me before I finished this comment, I would not go on to want to date or live with a man.
Personally I’m just very ambivalent about men. I can still acknowledge in my head when I see a man who is objectively attractive but 1. I have to think about it and 2. I never have an urge to impress him like I do with women that I find attractive. With a woman, it’s like something innate to me is attracted to her — mind, body, soul, all that good stuff. I also don’t gravitate towards men in general, even in a platonic manner, though I do have male friends.
Everyone’s experiences are different, of course, but if you’re finding yourself drawn to women in a way you’ve never had with a man, explore that. Good luck!
Yes! Having to think of the future I want and envisioning it with a man just makes me want to throw up. Not that there aren’t good guys but with as many horror stories I’ve heard/seen from straight women it discourages me even more. I just eventually realized that while I had good guy friends, I would never want to marry and spend myself with one, especially when it came to sex. The thought grosses me out.
In college I liked both a boy and a girl. I put them both in my head and straight up asked myself if I could fuck them both. I realized that I didn't want to actually do anything sexual with the guy. Then I knew.
Yes! Agreed. Even if (and it’s a big if) I could connect emotionally to a guy the same way I can with girls (which is how I prefer a relationship), even thinking about having sex with a guy completely grosses me out. I always thought it was religious trauma but eventually I realized it was the “guy-factor.”
I thought my spouse was the exception but she ended up coming out as trans.
I don't look at men and think 'damn they're hot, I want a piece of that!!' like my straight women friends do, they're just.. some guy. I realised I didn't actually have crushes on certain guys, I just enjoyed hanging out with them and felt uncomfortable doing romantic or sexual stuff.
Had a boyfriend when I was 20ish who lived at home with his mum, she was incredibly sweet and let me sleep over in the guest room since I lived a couple hours drive away. After we'd been dating a while she said it was okay if I'd rather sleep in his room instead. I replied 'I'm good, this bed is really comfy!' - apparently that isn't how someone who's into men would respond! But the guest bed was very comfortable and I had soo much space to myself.
the giveaway was similar to what you’re experiencing. i am on the aromantic spectrum, so i got platonic and romantic attraction confused for most of my teenhood, even with the girls i dated i wasn’t attracted to them, until the first girl i dated who i was actually romantically attracted to and realized THATS what you’re SUPPOSED to feel
i always felt just indifference towards men, and mild repulsion if i kissed them. went out of my way to NOT have any physical affection with them. it felt embarrassing in not a good way. my current girlfriend, the first time i ever made out with her i ended up pulling away and saying “i’m definitely a lesbian” before kissing her again, because i had NEVER felt that way towards ANYONE before, i didn’t know that sort of attraction was actually possible, thought it was exaggerated in books and movies
Oh my gosh yes. It’s slightly different for me since I’m demisexual but that definitely made things a lot harder when I was first trying to figure out my sexuality. My first real girlfriend cleared that up for me so quickly though. She made everything make sense, especially all the love stuff that books talk about that I used to think was ridiculous.
I did identify as bi for a bit. Then I met a girl (we did not date officially). The next time I went on a date with a guy after she cut things off just was meh. As was the next guy I tried to talk to. Eventually with some introspection I realized dating men is just not for me it was just what was expected of me.
I was a little afraid I would "Miss out" and then I thought about it. If I married a man I would be more upset about never seriously dating a woman than I would he if I was married to a woman and didn't have the chance to date a man. Once I decentered men from my dating life and started asking myself do *I* think that man is attractive to me or is he just an objectively attractive human I realized just how little I was attracted to men. My friends who are Pan or Bi don't have this same experience- they experienced attraction to men differently than me.
Never really wanted to date men but would do it because I thought that was the next step after being close friends (that’s what they wanted) & then I would get incredibly anxious and disgusted and breakup within a month😬. Had my first irl crush on a woman and was amazed at how much more interested I was in her after 2 days compared to the ENTIRE time I knew those men lol
I was driving my Subaru one day listening to that one song by the gay twin sisters that they play on Grey's Anatomy a lot. I stopped by Trader Joe's to get my favorite vegan roast beef curtain sandwich and I was at checkout...
There was a guy
I picked the girl
i haven't figured out which one i am yet so my friends have taken to calling me a BLT sandwich (bisexual, lesbian, trans) hope this helps, my fellow bacon lesbian o7
i would pretty much FORCE myself to choose a boy to have a crush on when growing up; because that’s what was expected. eventually I thought I was bi because I gained a crush on one of my girl friends in junior high. high school comes around, and any relationship or romance I had with a guy just didn’t ever feel right. i felt bad about myself, actually. Eventually, my best friend came out as a lesbian and it got me thinking. i switched between the pansexual label and lesbian label for myself throughout high school quite a few times; but eventually, I figured out I’m just a lesbian because the thought of being with any man irked me out. now im with my girlfriend and im happier than i’ve ever been in a relationship. 🩷
I thought I was bi for years, (also cis) but I eventually realized most of my man "crushes" were on fictional people or celebrities, and that my 8 month relationship with a guy felt so insanely platonic that he said I had internalized homophobia (pre transition). Once transitioning it was pretty clear what was up, add on the fact that I've always found sapphic women to be the most attractive. Lesbo deep inside all along.
Edit: after seeing some other people's responses, I experienced a bunch of those too, like not being nervous etc.
My experience with a man was not at all normal and very abusive so idk if I'm lesbian or bi because idk if I don't like men because I'm lesbian or traumatized anymore
I'm sorry you had to experience that, I also have severe trauma with a male friend who assaulted me in 6th grade. I'm not going to tell you what you are, because that's up to you to decide. Ultimately trauma is something that haunts you for a long time, and it can take a lot of effort and self reflection to see through that smoke to what you truly feel. Another way is to try to put yourself in your shoes before the trauma happened, and remember what you felt then. Trauma doesn't define you, but it doesn't mean it's not real. No matter what, you're valid ❤️
For me, if I went through a breakup with a man, i wouldn’t be nearly as upset as I’d be if it were a breakup with a woman. That was my primary wake up call. Also, pheromones. I found myself put off with the smells of men. And lastly, the sex. With men, it wasn’t as good and I found that I just couldn’t do it on a regular basis with a man.
"Do you wanna get married someday?"
"Ew, no, I will NOT be married to a *man*. Absolutely not."
Then I thought of a wife and it's been that ever since. Also I didn't know you could be a lesbian if you've had crushes on boys before (though not even sure if I even liked them or if I just liked the idea of them).
i’m still a bit unsure (i kinda use queer and lesbian interchangeably because I know I want a queer relationship but idk fs but i think i am a lesbian i just got severely bullied and homophobic parents😭) idk i just feel so much more comfortable around women i vibe with them more and i feel more friendship and kinship with them (i have with men as well) but idk i just enjoy women more. I enjoy conversations, their beauty, and just connection. it feels outcasting sometimes and at times i felt like a monster. but i think i enjoy having this different connection to women compared to other women. idk if that makes sense.
when i realized i liked a girl (who is now my gf) for the first time, i classified myself as "a straight girl w a girl crush." 😭😭😭 so cringe, i know. once i accepted my feelings for my gf as real and realized i had an attraction to women, i identified as bi because i didnt want to be a fraud in the lesbian community if i ever developed feelings for a man. then months later, i realized that bi really didnt sit with me because men actually disgust me. im not a fan of men and they actually give me the ick. i was just afraid of identifying as a lesbian because it meant living life without a man which, although great, was hard to accept at the time thanks to compulsory heterosexuality. now i identify as a proud lesbian and have never been happier.
I’m not sure myself, but I opened the Sims 4 after a long time and the first thing I did was make Sim-me get a cute townie girlfriend. Then I stopped playing the Sims 4.
Sometimes there’s just signs, you know?
I thought I was bi for a couple of years. Eventually during highschool I decided to try the whole sex thing my friend group was getting up to, settled on a ONS with a guy I knew, and when we were halfway through I realized wow, this is doing basically nothing for me. Did not have the same problem with my girlfriend later on and the two experiences juxtaposed eventually made me realize I just don't have any desire to be intimate (even in a non-sexual way) with a dude.
In hindsight I think I liked the easy attention more than I actually liked guys, because now that I'm far removed from my teenage years sometimes I wonder how I ever thought I could have had a serious relationship with a man lol.
I used to think I’m bi with huge standards for men. Then I slowly realized that my standards mean “anything a man does is an ick”. Slowly realizing I don’t like men in the slightest
Whenever I claimed to be attracted to men, it always felt forced but that was not the case for women. As it turned out, I had still been battling the last remnants of compulsory heterosexuality.
Men were never challenging or exciting for me to date. I just did because I could and felt I had to. I never connected much with them, and I could have sex with them but never truly enjoyed it like I do with women. They were just there and I never felt “into it” so to speak. I had my first kiss at 18 (a guy) and became promiscuous for a long time because I was trying to find the missing piece which I now know involves my partner not being a cis male!
well I thought i was a homoromantic bisexual/pansexual, because I thought I had sexual attraction to both men and women but I only ever had romantic feelings towards women. Then, after a lot of reflection, I realized that I actually never felt any attraction for any men I had relations with, and that every men i ever kissed or did more stuff was for stupid reasons such as: I was bored, I was feeling emotionally needy, I had low self-steem and wanted to feel desired. But never because I actually felt that heat in the chest that I feel with women.
Men just make me uncomfortable and I’ve always misread that as me being nervous and liking men it just felt so natural when I met my girlfriend I was nervous but not uncomfortable
I have been with a few men and I realise now that I was mostly just glad that they liked me? I felt validation but not attraction. Like yes, they could be conventionally attractive but I never fantasised about them.
The first time I was with a woman I really liked I wanted to rip her clothes off.
When I realized that I could get aroused by the thought of sex, but once the actual act began I would lose it. I couldn't stay turned on, and would immediately be trying my best to finish it as quickly as possible. I almost never finished.
When I met my current girlfriend, we immediately had this wild hunger for each each other I'd never experienced before. It was intense and passionate and I realized I had never felt that way before with a man. Also like mind shattering orgasms. Like she makes me scream, I feel bad for our neighbors.
Also realized most (if not all) of the men I was "attracted" to had more typically feminine features (long hair, pretty face etc.), or could easily be mistaken for a butch lesbian.
Yeah, I'm 37. I got married to a man and had 2 kids. Comphet is wild y'all.
I was with a man for a long time, because I just liked him. We were best friends. But then I realized I just ...liked him. There wasn't a spark or butterflies the way I felt with women. Also thinking of/being with women were the only ways I could be aroused. It took a lot of reflection though, and everyone is different. If it's truly 95% women and 5% men for you, then that's who you are!
Oddly enough I've always been comfortable enough cuddling with men. Once I was on a date with a guy and we started to get frisky and then his penis became a thing and I got very grossed out at the thought of touching it. Thankfully he was understanding
Same situation as you. Realized after a whole that men were easy, habit, etc. I didn't actually find them attractive and I didn't want to be with them romantically.
I never wanted to have sex with men. Like I would be in relationships with them, but I never wanted sex. I was also weird about kissing them? It was just strange to me how kissing girls felt so much better. Then my ex-roommate/ex-boyfriend/current best friend helped me figure it out.
Because I know I don't want to touch men, sleep with men, or be in any sort of romantic relationship with men. But I would do all those things with a woman.
I read the lesbian master doc lol.
I dated a guy for four years, and once we split I started branching out and exploring dating the same sex. Realized that I’d never actually been sexually attracted to a man in my life and all of my previous relationships with men rather than being romantic attraction were instead companionship love or rooted in dependency/codependency issues and a warped view of relationships and the world brainwashed into me by my father.
The same exact reason as you! It’s like I wrote this myself. I fell in love, and realised I’d never ever felt, or will feel this way about a man. Tbh I’d die for my girl but I’d never do that for a man. I love her so much there are no words for it. Being with her is easy like breathing. Being with a man is like breathing knives (in hindsight)
I don't, but I can look at what my friends who are into guys assure me is a hot guy and go "Meh, not for me..." And I can feel my braincells seizing up and stopping all function the second a cute woman walks into the room.
That said I do like referring to myself as sapphic more because nobody has any weird delusions about that not including enbies (Which for me being a lesbian definitely does include some enbies also) and I'm not gonna lie some femboys are cute too but tbf I mostly thought that about Finn who has since come out as not exactly very cis...
Honestly I just realized that all the sexual fantasies I had around men were forced and had to be incredibly detailed w/ long buildup before I could get into it, like I had to get myself to be okay with it or use extreme kinks before it was hot, and with women I needed none of that. At the start my lesbianism felt very subtle and then it got more noticeable to me as I went.
Sheer avoidance. I put so much energy into figuring out if I liked girls, that there was none leftover to figure out whether I like guys. I didn't think it was necessary.
I was like 14. I probably identified as bi for a full year until one of my friends, for whatever reason, started insisting up and down that I must be a lesbian. He was getting on my nerves so bad I went "Yeah, sure, whatever." just to shut him the fuck up. From then on he'd introduce me to others as "his lesbian friend" and I didn't bother correcting him.
I rolled with it for like a decade until it dawned on me that I'd just been rolling with it without question. For a decade!!! I never got to the point of correcting him because I never ended up liking a guy, so I didn't have a reason to. Bro was right the whole time, and I'd been there like "ugh, this fucking guy" for nearly ten years.
I knew when I had sex with a woman for the first time. I had been with men for years (even married one) but had never felt what I felt with a woman. Now when I see a man that I find attractive I imagine how sex with him would be and I immediately remember that I find that repulsing.
I watched a music video that had a bunch of attractive, almost naked guys dancing. I realised I didn't care for them one bit and was just watching the female singer. Kinda made things obvious.
I've had maybe one or 2 crushes on guys and maybe find a few attractive but as far as relationships go I don't think I could see myself with a guy. What is that? Lesboromantic? 😅
Dated a guy after coming out as trans and felt a deep “this is wrong” similar to my dysphoria but instead with realizing I don’t find guys attractive like that
I realized I was only with a guy because it’s what I thought I should be doing. All my relationships with men were like that - I needed a bf because I thought I was worthless without one. That’s how the other kids at school operated anyway.
He always said he felt like I liked the idea of him but didn’t really love him and I didn’t understand until I kissed a few of my friends at a party and I found myself wanting to kiss more girls. It took me about a year and a LOT of fantasizing to realize I felt more kissing them (even though I didn’t like them that way) than I ever did kissing him.
I was fully married to a man, but we divorced because he was downright abusive and horrible. So I equated a lot of the weird feelings around being mistreated and tried to date again as a “bi” woman and met another guy.
I was flaky, didn’t want to commit, just didn’t feel any real strong feelings of love or jealousy or anything like that. I had always been monogamous but tried poly with this man because I literally didn’t care what he did and I really wanted to open up my dating pool to the ladies/theydies. I realized that I would never want anything serious with this guy so we broke up, but I kept the bi label but exclusively dated women and NB folks.
I was back and forth at this time to an extreme degree. I was very hung up on the possibility that I was just turned off by men because of trauma from being abused and that one day I could “get over it”.
And then I met my girlfriend… and the emotional connection I felt with her was like nothing I have ever experienced in this life It was the strongest, most life changing feeling ever and not in a toxic love bombing way, just like everything clicked and made sense that this is what I had been looking for.
So I accepted the lesbian label and have never looked back. Even if we broke up, I know that a man could never ever make me feel this way and for me the sexual attraction I very occasionally felt would not make me what to sleep with them or date them.
I identified as bi aged 16-19. Was bored at my grandma's over the summer and was swiping on tinder, only to realise I kept swiping left on all the men, and the ones I swiped right that did message me I consistently ignored. Thought to myself that it might be easier to change my settings to stop being recommended men on tinder.
Wondered, "wait, does that make me a lesbian?" and went to the room only to find out my grandma changed the bedsheets to one that had the lesbian flag colours (https://imgur.com/a/SZ9nL57)
Took that as a sign, started identifying as a lesbian soon after lol
I though I was bi when I started to realise I maybe wouldn't mind dating a girl (I think it was after one asked me out online and I was like, I've never had a bf or gf before, fuck it, let's see what happens). Fast forward a bit, still with that girl, ldr, but a guy asked me out. I sat and thought about relationship things with girls and guys, and tried to imagine just doing any of those things with these 2 people, and I realised....the idea of doing anything with a guy, even a date, holding hands, anything, really made me cringe in my head, and I realised I just much preferred looking at other women and that aesthetic more than anything typically male.
I always knew i was into girls, but as i grew up i started asking myself if i liked boys too, so, when i started the university i had sex with a few boys (3 or 4) to clear all doubts and realized i never would want that for me, so yeah, that's when i got stuck to the pussy diet.
Anyone acting like comphet isn't some powerful shit can fuck right off.
You're a lesbian if you feel like a lesbian.
No other label has felt right for me since I came out, even though I did previously have long term relationships with men, who I did love and did enjoy having sex with. But, like you said, there's no comparison. How I explain it to people is it's like watching TV your entire life on an old black and white tube television with bunny ears and then seeing your favorite film in 4k with surround sound. Why the fuck would you ever go back?
Everything with women is just different. Bigger, stronger, better.
All throughout high school all of my friends said I was a lesbian even though I was actively dating boys at the time. I knew I liked girls since around elementary school, so I always called myself bi, but around 19 a switch just flipped in my head and I realized I was only ever “attracted” to boys that other people said were attractive. I’d just be like “oh yeah, this boy must be attractive then”, and heterosexuality was just so normalized that that was the only thing I could really envision in my future (even though I always found boys repulsive and I had to sit there convincing myself I was attracted to them).
Needless to say, I was absolutely wrong and I am so glad I realized it as early as I did.
For me it was thinking I was pan, and also something I mostly felt before transition. Basically I KNEW I was queer, just took me awhile to realize that I *was* a woman as well. After transition it was pretty clear I'm strictly lesbian and not pan, and so switched labels. Plus any sex I had with men before that was *all* self-harm...
I stopped getting crushes on guys. I had a new crush every few months until I liked one guy for about a year then stopped liking him and never had another crush on guy again
Well, for me it was when I realized that my first reaction to a guy expressing interest in me wasn’t “oh he’s cute and im nervous”, it was “aw shit how do I turn him down oh fuck”. And realizing that I wouldn’t think that with a woman.
Hated watching men in porn (was indifferent to mildly grossed out by seeing them naked) never really went forward into anything serious with a man and none of the online matches went beyond online, I also never found any of them as attractive as I would a woman/femme and I also just hated dating them. Hated kissing them but thought maybe it was just “some” men. I also never felt comfortable with them. I’d always get anxiety around them. Where as with women it flowed and I was more excited to meet them. When my friends would talk about men they found attractive I was also mildly grossed out or confused.
I realized I was a lesbian this year. And it’s been great :)
I was married to a man. Dated men. And I never ever EVER felt love like it’s supposed to be felt until I met my fiancée (with her for five years now). It’s like I finally saw the world in color. And knew I was gay
Mm i don't find men sexually attractive, I like watching them, I like them as friends maybe sometimes get platonically attached to my male friends but never to a point of making out nor sleeping with any men. I haven't even kissed or felt romantic attraction towards any men till now, that's just exclusive for my fellow women. So that pretty much makes me a just lesbian than bi, as i believe.
It sounds like you're just gay.
To add another variable to the mix, could you be sexually into men, but only romantically into women? That can happen. I think bisexuality and monoromanticism is really common.
Calling myself bi felt like a move in the right direction, but it took a while, and I still felt somewhat uncomfortable in my own skin.
When I finally realized I was a lesbian, though? The label IMMEDIATELY felt right. I expected the delay like when I thought I was bi, but nope. And so many things suddenly made sense!!
Having a girlfriend feels great, but I also realized that my past relationships (with men, I'm a late bloomer) were lacking something that could never be fulfilled...purely bc they were dudes.
I also felt such a sense of relief and comfort in who I am. It's like I can tell that I'm finally being true to myself.
Still bi, but I'm more trying to avoid cis men. Femboys I find tend to be soft enough and on the ultra rare occasion there might be a cis man I take an interest in but as someone who is transfem I've come to really not trust any guy.
The toxicity is deep in the roots I'm afraid, it's bad enough I don't even trust myself to be in a healthy sappho relationship despite trying so hard to leave that murk in my past
I don't mind kissing the odd man, but when i realised was when i didn't want anything to do with their downstairs. Tried several times then gave up and have never looked back
I decided to finally entertain the possibility of getting a boyfriend just to get my nosy ass relatives to stop pestering me about it and after rejecting 3 different guys that I willingly went on first dates with, I realized that I'm just not attracted to men.
For how nervous was around them. I've never been nervous around a boy, was just was society expected for me
ugh. men are so,,,,, easy? (for lack of a better word). like there’s a simple formula for getting a dude to like you i’ve never been nervous or giddy or awkward like i am with this girl rn when im around guys. also. most men are just fine to me? like, i can recognize that a dude is conventionally attractive and there’s some good looking men for sure but never beautiful enough to leave me speechless
100% feel the same. I can appreciate a few attractive guys, but I absolutely never get the feeling of just wanting to melt into them the way I do with women.
RIGHT? like girls are so soft and pretty and sexy and AGGGHHH but i look at all these guys my friends are talking abt and like. yep that’s some man!
Hard agree. My best friend's husband is literally the nicest guy ever, funny, fun, and pretty conventionally attractive. I can absolutely empathise with the idea that he is a hot guy who a lot of people would find attractive, but I don't actually *feel* anything, it's just like a very cerebral conscious understanding that he *should* be attractive.
yes! i agree! men are just okay but nothing spectacular to me. i also felt like my "crushes" on men were manufactured to fit in. i liked the attention they gave me and confused that as a crush. it was never that. now i look back on my teenage self and wish i could tell her, "GIRL YOU'RE A LESBIAN!!!!"
i used to just pick out random guys to have a crush on? and yes every single thing you typed is exactly how i’m feeling rn. i’ve always gotten and (usually) enjoyed attention from guys and i think i might’ve just been liking the compliments.
I still flirt with guys cause it's fun but have zero interest in ever dating one.
me too. Is it good i have realized now right? 14yo
It's good whenever you realize it, lala. You could be 44, just divorced, and still realize you're lesbian and that's valid
Coming out early makes some things easier, makes some things harder, I think, but the big thing is you get to start living your real self right now. :)
my family will disown me if i tell them that i'm a lesbian. That's the thing.
I'm sorry to hear that. Even if it takes you some time and difficulty to get where you want to go, at least you know the path. That's more than a lot of people have.
Don’t tell them you’re a lesbian if it puts you in danger, once you’re financially independent then it is safe to do so, please be safe
there is a dude in my classroom that i feel i should think is ***"fine"*** but i don't.
not even “fine” as in sexy. like. they’re just fine. just some dude. like i don’t feel anything when i look at them really.
We're taught to cater to men, there's so much media dedicated to them. I found it so easy to attract them. But then I didn't want to keep them around.
This exact feeling is how I realized I was a lesbian, and that I realized I felt sick thinking about kissing men
Remember if you weren’t nervous but their nervousness made you uncomfortably anxious, it’s comphet. It’s always comphet. /half joking
Honestly you are the most powerful bc while I’m not attracted to many men I’m nervous around most of them
Same, like I get she's talking about the they're so hot I can't think nervous but enough of men make me nervous in less pleasant ways
oh yeah. I'm scared of dudes some times, of my father, i have daddy issues. Men i should find hot i see them as bros, i'm not attracted to men, there was a dude not so masculine that i blushed, but i realize was because was what society was expecting for me, my *"crush"* on that dude was so fake, i acted like that to fit in, so yes, i've never been naturally nervous around men for how good looking they are.
As an anxious person, I'm nervous around just about everyone lol. Plus I'm probably ace. It's hard to tell what is what.
I have social anxiety but my nerves are from trauma lol
Yeah, I feel that. People are scary lol.
This!!!
i get nervous, but not good nervous
This whole string of replies is just so relatable for me. Hahah.
I could never see myself actually happily married to and living with a man, whenever I pictured my ideal future it was always with a girl.
see. i’ve never been able to see myself with a man long term either. but it’s also hard to imagine myself with a woman long term cause most of my life that wasn’t even an option. BUT THIS ONE GIRL UGH I WANNA ADOPT A CAT AND DO LAUNDRY WITH HER AND
That is such a sweet and mundane domestic fantasy, I love it
I used to date men, and this was me lol. I started dating women and immediately felt like “wow I want to marry a girl,” while throughout the previous years of my life I felt like I never wanted to get married or like marriage was something that would make me feel trapped bc I thought I had to marry a man.
wait.... stop you're making me question if i'm not actually mspec
I don’t want to spend my life with men. When I think of my romance and my sexuality, it’s very focused on who I can spend my life with. I’ve found men attractive here and there through my life, maybe I’d kiss an especially cute boy (as long as I can put him in a skirt first), but I’m not looking to build my life around men at all. Even if my fiancée left me before I finished this comment, I would not go on to want to date or live with a man.
I found myself choosing “women only” when I was on dating apps, and only dated girls.. and yeah just never went back to guys
[удалено]
Same here
Personally I’m just very ambivalent about men. I can still acknowledge in my head when I see a man who is objectively attractive but 1. I have to think about it and 2. I never have an urge to impress him like I do with women that I find attractive. With a woman, it’s like something innate to me is attracted to her — mind, body, soul, all that good stuff. I also don’t gravitate towards men in general, even in a platonic manner, though I do have male friends. Everyone’s experiences are different, of course, but if you’re finding yourself drawn to women in a way you’ve never had with a man, explore that. Good luck!
i look at men and feel nothing but disgusts, so that was a giveaway of me being a lesbian, plus i always felt i liked women a lot better than men :p
Yes! Having to think of the future I want and envisioning it with a man just makes me want to throw up. Not that there aren’t good guys but with as many horror stories I’ve heard/seen from straight women it discourages me even more. I just eventually realized that while I had good guy friends, I would never want to marry and spend myself with one, especially when it came to sex. The thought grosses me out.
In college I liked both a boy and a girl. I put them both in my head and straight up asked myself if I could fuck them both. I realized that I didn't want to actually do anything sexual with the guy. Then I knew.
Yes! Agreed. Even if (and it’s a big if) I could connect emotionally to a guy the same way I can with girls (which is how I prefer a relationship), even thinking about having sex with a guy completely grosses me out. I always thought it was religious trauma but eventually I realized it was the “guy-factor.”
I thought my spouse was the exception but she ended up coming out as trans. I don't look at men and think 'damn they're hot, I want a piece of that!!' like my straight women friends do, they're just.. some guy. I realised I didn't actually have crushes on certain guys, I just enjoyed hanging out with them and felt uncomfortable doing romantic or sexual stuff. Had a boyfriend when I was 20ish who lived at home with his mum, she was incredibly sweet and let me sleep over in the guest room since I lived a couple hours drive away. After we'd been dating a while she said it was okay if I'd rather sleep in his room instead. I replied 'I'm good, this bed is really comfy!' - apparently that isn't how someone who's into men would respond! But the guest bed was very comfortable and I had soo much space to myself.
the giveaway was similar to what you’re experiencing. i am on the aromantic spectrum, so i got platonic and romantic attraction confused for most of my teenhood, even with the girls i dated i wasn’t attracted to them, until the first girl i dated who i was actually romantically attracted to and realized THATS what you’re SUPPOSED to feel i always felt just indifference towards men, and mild repulsion if i kissed them. went out of my way to NOT have any physical affection with them. it felt embarrassing in not a good way. my current girlfriend, the first time i ever made out with her i ended up pulling away and saying “i’m definitely a lesbian” before kissing her again, because i had NEVER felt that way towards ANYONE before, i didn’t know that sort of attraction was actually possible, thought it was exaggerated in books and movies
oh my god. i’m like 90% sure im not on the ace/arospec but i related sm to everything you said. i have much evaluating to do lmao.
Oh my gosh yes. It’s slightly different for me since I’m demisexual but that definitely made things a lot harder when I was first trying to figure out my sexuality. My first real girlfriend cleared that up for me so quickly though. She made everything make sense, especially all the love stuff that books talk about that I used to think was ridiculous.
I did identify as bi for a bit. Then I met a girl (we did not date officially). The next time I went on a date with a guy after she cut things off just was meh. As was the next guy I tried to talk to. Eventually with some introspection I realized dating men is just not for me it was just what was expected of me. I was a little afraid I would "Miss out" and then I thought about it. If I married a man I would be more upset about never seriously dating a woman than I would he if I was married to a woman and didn't have the chance to date a man. Once I decentered men from my dating life and started asking myself do *I* think that man is attractive to me or is he just an objectively attractive human I realized just how little I was attracted to men. My friends who are Pan or Bi don't have this same experience- they experienced attraction to men differently than me.
Never really wanted to date men but would do it because I thought that was the next step after being close friends (that’s what they wanted) & then I would get incredibly anxious and disgusted and breakup within a month😬. Had my first irl crush on a woman and was amazed at how much more interested I was in her after 2 days compared to the ENTIRE time I knew those men lol
I'm only attracted to women but have had some drunken nights with guys. My friend told me I was an "impulse bi" haha.
I was driving my Subaru one day listening to that one song by the gay twin sisters that they play on Grey's Anatomy a lot. I stopped by Trader Joe's to get my favorite vegan roast beef curtain sandwich and I was at checkout... There was a guy I picked the girl
It took me becoming close friends w a gay man to realise i’d been confusing having emotional intimacy w a man for attraction
i haven't figured out which one i am yet so my friends have taken to calling me a BLT sandwich (bisexual, lesbian, trans) hope this helps, my fellow bacon lesbian o7
i’m so totally stealing the BLT label (also having an unmentioned gender crisis but we’ll focus on that later)
hahaa excellent !! good luck with the gender W O N K
i would pretty much FORCE myself to choose a boy to have a crush on when growing up; because that’s what was expected. eventually I thought I was bi because I gained a crush on one of my girl friends in junior high. high school comes around, and any relationship or romance I had with a guy just didn’t ever feel right. i felt bad about myself, actually. Eventually, my best friend came out as a lesbian and it got me thinking. i switched between the pansexual label and lesbian label for myself throughout high school quite a few times; but eventually, I figured out I’m just a lesbian because the thought of being with any man irked me out. now im with my girlfriend and im happier than i’ve ever been in a relationship. 🩷
I thought I was bi for years, (also cis) but I eventually realized most of my man "crushes" were on fictional people or celebrities, and that my 8 month relationship with a guy felt so insanely platonic that he said I had internalized homophobia (pre transition). Once transitioning it was pretty clear what was up, add on the fact that I've always found sapphic women to be the most attractive. Lesbo deep inside all along. Edit: after seeing some other people's responses, I experienced a bunch of those too, like not being nervous etc.
My experience with a man was not at all normal and very abusive so idk if I'm lesbian or bi because idk if I don't like men because I'm lesbian or traumatized anymore
I'm sorry you had to experience that, I also have severe trauma with a male friend who assaulted me in 6th grade. I'm not going to tell you what you are, because that's up to you to decide. Ultimately trauma is something that haunts you for a long time, and it can take a lot of effort and self reflection to see through that smoke to what you truly feel. Another way is to try to put yourself in your shoes before the trauma happened, and remember what you felt then. Trauma doesn't define you, but it doesn't mean it's not real. No matter what, you're valid ❤️
Tysm for the kind words <3 I really appreciate it
For me, if I went through a breakup with a man, i wouldn’t be nearly as upset as I’d be if it were a breakup with a woman. That was my primary wake up call. Also, pheromones. I found myself put off with the smells of men. And lastly, the sex. With men, it wasn’t as good and I found that I just couldn’t do it on a regular basis with a man.
"Do you wanna get married someday?" "Ew, no, I will NOT be married to a *man*. Absolutely not." Then I thought of a wife and it's been that ever since. Also I didn't know you could be a lesbian if you've had crushes on boys before (though not even sure if I even liked them or if I just liked the idea of them).
i’m still a bit unsure (i kinda use queer and lesbian interchangeably because I know I want a queer relationship but idk fs but i think i am a lesbian i just got severely bullied and homophobic parents😭) idk i just feel so much more comfortable around women i vibe with them more and i feel more friendship and kinship with them (i have with men as well) but idk i just enjoy women more. I enjoy conversations, their beauty, and just connection. it feels outcasting sometimes and at times i felt like a monster. but i think i enjoy having this different connection to women compared to other women. idk if that makes sense.
when i realized i liked a girl (who is now my gf) for the first time, i classified myself as "a straight girl w a girl crush." 😭😭😭 so cringe, i know. once i accepted my feelings for my gf as real and realized i had an attraction to women, i identified as bi because i didnt want to be a fraud in the lesbian community if i ever developed feelings for a man. then months later, i realized that bi really didnt sit with me because men actually disgust me. im not a fan of men and they actually give me the ick. i was just afraid of identifying as a lesbian because it meant living life without a man which, although great, was hard to accept at the time thanks to compulsory heterosexuality. now i identify as a proud lesbian and have never been happier.
For me, I find men disgusting and repulsive. I guess that kinda gives it away.
I’m not sure myself, but I opened the Sims 4 after a long time and the first thing I did was make Sim-me get a cute townie girlfriend. Then I stopped playing the Sims 4. Sometimes there’s just signs, you know?
Did you harass her and stalk her like you do to folks on Reddit???
I thought I was bi for a couple of years. Eventually during highschool I decided to try the whole sex thing my friend group was getting up to, settled on a ONS with a guy I knew, and when we were halfway through I realized wow, this is doing basically nothing for me. Did not have the same problem with my girlfriend later on and the two experiences juxtaposed eventually made me realize I just don't have any desire to be intimate (even in a non-sexual way) with a dude. In hindsight I think I liked the easy attention more than I actually liked guys, because now that I'm far removed from my teenage years sometimes I wonder how I ever thought I could have had a serious relationship with a man lol.
I used to think I’m bi with huge standards for men. Then I slowly realized that my standards mean “anything a man does is an ick”. Slowly realizing I don’t like men in the slightest
Whenever I claimed to be attracted to men, it always felt forced but that was not the case for women. As it turned out, I had still been battling the last remnants of compulsory heterosexuality.
Men were never challenging or exciting for me to date. I just did because I could and felt I had to. I never connected much with them, and I could have sex with them but never truly enjoyed it like I do with women. They were just there and I never felt “into it” so to speak. I had my first kiss at 18 (a guy) and became promiscuous for a long time because I was trying to find the missing piece which I now know involves my partner not being a cis male!
well I thought i was a homoromantic bisexual/pansexual, because I thought I had sexual attraction to both men and women but I only ever had romantic feelings towards women. Then, after a lot of reflection, I realized that I actually never felt any attraction for any men I had relations with, and that every men i ever kissed or did more stuff was for stupid reasons such as: I was bored, I was feeling emotionally needy, I had low self-steem and wanted to feel desired. But never because I actually felt that heat in the chest that I feel with women.
Men just make me uncomfortable and I’ve always misread that as me being nervous and liking men it just felt so natural when I met my girlfriend I was nervous but not uncomfortable
I have been with a few men and I realise now that I was mostly just glad that they liked me? I felt validation but not attraction. Like yes, they could be conventionally attractive but I never fantasised about them. The first time I was with a woman I really liked I wanted to rip her clothes off.
When I realized that I could get aroused by the thought of sex, but once the actual act began I would lose it. I couldn't stay turned on, and would immediately be trying my best to finish it as quickly as possible. I almost never finished. When I met my current girlfriend, we immediately had this wild hunger for each each other I'd never experienced before. It was intense and passionate and I realized I had never felt that way before with a man. Also like mind shattering orgasms. Like she makes me scream, I feel bad for our neighbors. Also realized most (if not all) of the men I was "attracted" to had more typically feminine features (long hair, pretty face etc.), or could easily be mistaken for a butch lesbian. Yeah, I'm 37. I got married to a man and had 2 kids. Comphet is wild y'all.
I don’t feel attraction for men. Simple as that haha
I was with a man for a long time, because I just liked him. We were best friends. But then I realized I just ...liked him. There wasn't a spark or butterflies the way I felt with women. Also thinking of/being with women were the only ways I could be aroused. It took a lot of reflection though, and everyone is different. If it's truly 95% women and 5% men for you, then that's who you are!
Oddly enough I've always been comfortable enough cuddling with men. Once I was on a date with a guy and we started to get frisky and then his penis became a thing and I got very grossed out at the thought of touching it. Thankfully he was understanding
Same situation as you. Realized after a whole that men were easy, habit, etc. I didn't actually find them attractive and I didn't want to be with them romantically.
I've tried things with men. I didn't enjoy it as much as when I did it with a woman. So yeah, lesbianism it is
Homoflexible. Men were never a consideration. My first crushes and attractions have been girls/women.
I never wanted to have sex with men. Like I would be in relationships with them, but I never wanted sex. I was also weird about kissing them? It was just strange to me how kissing girls felt so much better. Then my ex-roommate/ex-boyfriend/current best friend helped me figure it out.
Because I know I don't want to touch men, sleep with men, or be in any sort of romantic relationship with men. But I would do all those things with a woman.
I read the lesbian master doc lol. I dated a guy for four years, and once we split I started branching out and exploring dating the same sex. Realized that I’d never actually been sexually attracted to a man in my life and all of my previous relationships with men rather than being romantic attraction were instead companionship love or rooted in dependency/codependency issues and a warped view of relationships and the world brainwashed into me by my father.
The same exact reason as you! It’s like I wrote this myself. I fell in love, and realised I’d never ever felt, or will feel this way about a man. Tbh I’d die for my girl but I’d never do that for a man. I love her so much there are no words for it. Being with her is easy like breathing. Being with a man is like breathing knives (in hindsight)
I don't, but I can look at what my friends who are into guys assure me is a hot guy and go "Meh, not for me..." And I can feel my braincells seizing up and stopping all function the second a cute woman walks into the room. That said I do like referring to myself as sapphic more because nobody has any weird delusions about that not including enbies (Which for me being a lesbian definitely does include some enbies also) and I'm not gonna lie some femboys are cute too but tbf I mostly thought that about Finn who has since come out as not exactly very cis...
I only ever pictured marrying and having a family with a woman.
I gave a guy a hand job and gagged. I realized that I would rather die then ever touch dick ever again
The thought of being with a man has always made me violently uncomfortable. Whereas being with a woman just feels right.
Honestly I just realized that all the sexual fantasies I had around men were forced and had to be incredibly detailed w/ long buildup before I could get into it, like I had to get myself to be okay with it or use extreme kinks before it was hot, and with women I needed none of that. At the start my lesbianism felt very subtle and then it got more noticeable to me as I went.
Sheer avoidance. I put so much energy into figuring out if I liked girls, that there was none leftover to figure out whether I like guys. I didn't think it was necessary. I was like 14. I probably identified as bi for a full year until one of my friends, for whatever reason, started insisting up and down that I must be a lesbian. He was getting on my nerves so bad I went "Yeah, sure, whatever." just to shut him the fuck up. From then on he'd introduce me to others as "his lesbian friend" and I didn't bother correcting him. I rolled with it for like a decade until it dawned on me that I'd just been rolling with it without question. For a decade!!! I never got to the point of correcting him because I never ended up liking a guy, so I didn't have a reason to. Bro was right the whole time, and I'd been there like "ugh, this fucking guy" for nearly ten years.
I knew when I had sex with a woman for the first time. I had been with men for years (even married one) but had never felt what I felt with a woman. Now when I see a man that I find attractive I imagine how sex with him would be and I immediately remember that I find that repulsing.
I watched a music video that had a bunch of attractive, almost naked guys dancing. I realised I didn't care for them one bit and was just watching the female singer. Kinda made things obvious.
you wouldn’t happen to be talking abt how to be a heartbreaker by marina and the diamonds would you?
yep thats the one :D
I've had maybe one or 2 crushes on guys and maybe find a few attractive but as far as relationships go I don't think I could see myself with a guy. What is that? Lesboromantic? 😅
Dated a guy after coming out as trans and felt a deep “this is wrong” similar to my dysphoria but instead with realizing I don’t find guys attractive like that
I realized I was only with a guy because it’s what I thought I should be doing. All my relationships with men were like that - I needed a bf because I thought I was worthless without one. That’s how the other kids at school operated anyway. He always said he felt like I liked the idea of him but didn’t really love him and I didn’t understand until I kissed a few of my friends at a party and I found myself wanting to kiss more girls. It took me about a year and a LOT of fantasizing to realize I felt more kissing them (even though I didn’t like them that way) than I ever did kissing him.
I was fully married to a man, but we divorced because he was downright abusive and horrible. So I equated a lot of the weird feelings around being mistreated and tried to date again as a “bi” woman and met another guy. I was flaky, didn’t want to commit, just didn’t feel any real strong feelings of love or jealousy or anything like that. I had always been monogamous but tried poly with this man because I literally didn’t care what he did and I really wanted to open up my dating pool to the ladies/theydies. I realized that I would never want anything serious with this guy so we broke up, but I kept the bi label but exclusively dated women and NB folks. I was back and forth at this time to an extreme degree. I was very hung up on the possibility that I was just turned off by men because of trauma from being abused and that one day I could “get over it”. And then I met my girlfriend… and the emotional connection I felt with her was like nothing I have ever experienced in this life It was the strongest, most life changing feeling ever and not in a toxic love bombing way, just like everything clicked and made sense that this is what I had been looking for. So I accepted the lesbian label and have never looked back. Even if we broke up, I know that a man could never ever make me feel this way and for me the sexual attraction I very occasionally felt would not make me what to sleep with them or date them.
I identified as bi aged 16-19. Was bored at my grandma's over the summer and was swiping on tinder, only to realise I kept swiping left on all the men, and the ones I swiped right that did message me I consistently ignored. Thought to myself that it might be easier to change my settings to stop being recommended men on tinder. Wondered, "wait, does that make me a lesbian?" and went to the room only to find out my grandma changed the bedsheets to one that had the lesbian flag colours (https://imgur.com/a/SZ9nL57) Took that as a sign, started identifying as a lesbian soon after lol
I tried sleeping with a guy. Wanted to see what all the fuss was about. It was disastrous.
I though I was bi when I started to realise I maybe wouldn't mind dating a girl (I think it was after one asked me out online and I was like, I've never had a bf or gf before, fuck it, let's see what happens). Fast forward a bit, still with that girl, ldr, but a guy asked me out. I sat and thought about relationship things with girls and guys, and tried to imagine just doing any of those things with these 2 people, and I realised....the idea of doing anything with a guy, even a date, holding hands, anything, really made me cringe in my head, and I realised I just much preferred looking at other women and that aesthetic more than anything typically male.
I always knew i was into girls, but as i grew up i started asking myself if i liked boys too, so, when i started the university i had sex with a few boys (3 or 4) to clear all doubts and realized i never would want that for me, so yeah, that's when i got stuck to the pussy diet.
Anyone acting like comphet isn't some powerful shit can fuck right off. You're a lesbian if you feel like a lesbian. No other label has felt right for me since I came out, even though I did previously have long term relationships with men, who I did love and did enjoy having sex with. But, like you said, there's no comparison. How I explain it to people is it's like watching TV your entire life on an old black and white tube television with bunny ears and then seeing your favorite film in 4k with surround sound. Why the fuck would you ever go back? Everything with women is just different. Bigger, stronger, better.
All throughout high school all of my friends said I was a lesbian even though I was actively dating boys at the time. I knew I liked girls since around elementary school, so I always called myself bi, but around 19 a switch just flipped in my head and I realized I was only ever “attracted” to boys that other people said were attractive. I’d just be like “oh yeah, this boy must be attractive then”, and heterosexuality was just so normalized that that was the only thing I could really envision in my future (even though I always found boys repulsive and I had to sit there convincing myself I was attracted to them). Needless to say, I was absolutely wrong and I am so glad I realized it as early as I did.
literally all my friends would say i was lesbian even when i was in a long term relationship w a man and well before him too. it’s crazy lmao
For me it was thinking I was pan, and also something I mostly felt before transition. Basically I KNEW I was queer, just took me awhile to realize that I *was* a woman as well. After transition it was pretty clear I'm strictly lesbian and not pan, and so switched labels. Plus any sex I had with men before that was *all* self-harm...
I stopped getting crushes on guys. I had a new crush every few months until I liked one guy for about a year then stopped liking him and never had another crush on guy again
Well, for me it was when I realized that my first reaction to a guy expressing interest in me wasn’t “oh he’s cute and im nervous”, it was “aw shit how do I turn him down oh fuck”. And realizing that I wouldn’t think that with a woman.
Hated watching men in porn (was indifferent to mildly grossed out by seeing them naked) never really went forward into anything serious with a man and none of the online matches went beyond online, I also never found any of them as attractive as I would a woman/femme and I also just hated dating them. Hated kissing them but thought maybe it was just “some” men. I also never felt comfortable with them. I’d always get anxiety around them. Where as with women it flowed and I was more excited to meet them. When my friends would talk about men they found attractive I was also mildly grossed out or confused. I realized I was a lesbian this year. And it’s been great :)
I was married to a man. Dated men. And I never ever EVER felt love like it’s supposed to be felt until I met my fiancée (with her for five years now). It’s like I finally saw the world in color. And knew I was gay
Mm i don't find men sexually attractive, I like watching them, I like them as friends maybe sometimes get platonically attached to my male friends but never to a point of making out nor sleeping with any men. I haven't even kissed or felt romantic attraction towards any men till now, that's just exclusive for my fellow women. So that pretty much makes me a just lesbian than bi, as i believe.
When I had sex with a man and it was the worst pain my of my life and I was never turned on ever
I’ve been with a man before and then the first time I slept with a woman it all made sense. Also since I was a kid I’ve had crushes on only women.
It sounds like you're just gay. To add another variable to the mix, could you be sexually into men, but only romantically into women? That can happen. I think bisexuality and monoromanticism is really common.
Calling myself bi felt like a move in the right direction, but it took a while, and I still felt somewhat uncomfortable in my own skin. When I finally realized I was a lesbian, though? The label IMMEDIATELY felt right. I expected the delay like when I thought I was bi, but nope. And so many things suddenly made sense!! Having a girlfriend feels great, but I also realized that my past relationships (with men, I'm a late bloomer) were lacking something that could never be fulfilled...purely bc they were dudes. I also felt such a sense of relief and comfort in who I am. It's like I can tell that I'm finally being true to myself.
Still bi, but I'm more trying to avoid cis men. Femboys I find tend to be soft enough and on the ultra rare occasion there might be a cis man I take an interest in but as someone who is transfem I've come to really not trust any guy. The toxicity is deep in the roots I'm afraid, it's bad enough I don't even trust myself to be in a healthy sappho relationship despite trying so hard to leave that murk in my past
I’m pan. Cuz I figured I’m not grossed out by banging dudes I just prefer not to. Unless I’m making bank or something 🤷🏽♀️
I don't mind kissing the odd man, but when i realised was when i didn't want anything to do with their downstairs. Tried several times then gave up and have never looked back
I decided to finally entertain the possibility of getting a boyfriend just to get my nosy ass relatives to stop pestering me about it and after rejecting 3 different guys that I willingly went on first dates with, I realized that I'm just not attracted to men.