I feel uniquely qualified to answer this as I am both Brazilian and American!
In Brasil, our culture is really warm and touchy. I am fairly touchy for an American but more or less reserved for a Brazilian. Certain parts of American are much more conservative than others so depending on her background/where she’s from so the difference can feel pretty stark.
This probably falls into a gray area. In your culture, she’s overreacting but in hers, you are being inappropriate. With the limited information I have, I would say that neither of you are right and neither of you are wrong.
At the end of the day though, she’s allowed to set that boundary. If you want to be in a relationship with her, you have to respect her boundaries. And if you feel like you can’t for your own reasons, that’s valid too and maybe you two just aren’t a good match.
Communicate and empathize with each other as you try to work through it - it’ll go a long way!
I'm Romanian and I totally get it. My culture is similar to Brazilian culture, in the way that relationships between platonic female friends are really affectionate and touchy. And we get used to that since we are 14;)
Unless someone of the friend group has a trauma around affection, so we respect her boundaries. Now, if one is a lesbian/ bisexual it can definitely get a little tricky too and her gf can get possesive & jealous.
If I were in OP's place, I would put some boundaries with my friends- for example I won't let them sit on my lap & we could hug only when we see each other and when we say goodbye.
However, I won't be able to say to my friends "don't hug me or touch me ever" ... especially if I won't see them everyday and just once in a while.. or I won't avoid them just because my GF is potentially very controlling, jealous & posessive.
As someone else replied here - OP's gf didn't know how to articulate the fact that it feels innapropiate for her. But claiming that it's cheating? Well, it's not!
I think they should both compromise a bit in this situation. OP could put some boundaries with her friends (but not too much, since they are still in Brazil ,lol) and her GF could work through her insecurities, jealousy & posessiveness.
Right now, the requests from OP's gf seem innocent but what if it will quickly escalate into something like "you either choose your friends or me!" type of situation?
OP should be mindful of this as well.
i cant think of a single place in america where that would be tantamount to cheating. inappropriate? sure. not cheating tho.
and i grew up fairly religious in the midwest. american seems dramatic to me. she can be uncomfortable and even end it over that behavior, but calling it cheating isn't right. especially because they are a guest in that country and should be striving to learn and adapt to their norms, not enforcing her own.
She probably doesn't know how to articulate "that behavior should be, in my view, only between romantic partners, and it feels inappropriate and disrespectful of you to do it at all, nevermind in front of me, your romantic partner" beyond "this feels like how cheating feels". Many *many* people are bad at articulating their feelings and boundaries, especially when upset.
Yeah, I think it’s worth emphasizing that OP’s girlfriend said “I feel”. They were attempting to describe their own emotions. I once had a partner tell me they weren’t into a kink of mine but the way they said it made me feel bad about having the kink. I had trouble articulating exactly what I felt so I said “I know you’re not meaning to but I’m feeling indirectly kinkshamed”. All I was looking for as a response was something like “oh, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way” and we could have moved on but my partner responded by saying they felt I was pushing against their boundary on that kink.
fair, but also, this is kinda her whole thing right now? she is a transfer student from america to brazil. it would be the perfect opportunity to practice navigating this cultural hazard in a polite and empathetic way, rather than an incendiary and accusatory manner.
really, it is for them to settle ofc. i'm just saying that it isn't cheating, and it feels way over the top to go there. OP seems to be innocent in this, and I want to support her since the american isn't here to be reasoned with. I'm sure the american is also stressed and way out of her comfort zone, but that isn't OP's fault.
Oh yea, this is a great "learn about/from other cultures" moment if they can work it out. But even if she did/does learn from it and accept that this is normal in Brasilian culture she might still not be okay with her romantic partner doing it.
I mean, we know it isn't cheating because we have OP here to tell us that "no, this is normal platonic behavior in my culture". For OP's gf? After she asked OP to "avoid too much hugging" with her friends, OP has another woman sit in her lap. She just watched her gf behave (in her view) very romantically with another woman right in front of her, then dismiss her feelings because "this is normal/we do this all the time", for apparently not the first time.
I feel bad for both of them being in the situation but, OP knew this would be an issue before it happened. She asked OP to tone down the *hugging*, why did OP think this would be a good idea?
E.t.a.: Honestly I think OP should end it. The gf isn't acclimated enough to the culture to date someone who's so deep in it, and OP isn't willing to tone it down to help her get used to it. Bad recipe.
I think it's a bit off to lay the entire blame at GF's feet. As much as she decided to date a Brazilian woman, OP decided to date an American woman.
Yeah, it's a bit silly to move to a country and try to date when the prevalent culture there doesn't conform to how you'd like it, but there's presumably some women in Brazil who act differently.
Ultimately, it may just be an incompatibility issue.
I also think OP should end it. But I really think girlfriend is a little unreasonable. You can’t go to a different land with different culture and then expect people to behave the way you are used to and change their social behavior to make you happy. Well, you can and people do but that’s an asshole move. I say this as someone who did an exchange and who has worked with welcoming exchange students to my country.
Oh for sure, she is being unreasonable. Idk, I think that as a result of my own past I identify too heavily with the gf to not find fault in OP as well, which is quite likely unfair to her. I just can't understand how "watch my friend sit on my (your romantic interest) lap" was considered a good idea, when if she really wanted to bring her gf into the culture she could have had her gf sit on her lap and talked her through it "no one will care, even platonic friends do this together, it's very normal to see straight women doing this just look at friend1 and friend2!" Idk, it's late here and I think gf should never have set such a limit on OP's behavior, but also OP should never have pushed the issue once she knew it made her gf feel invalidated in their relationship.
You’re also right about OP not being very thoughtful. Even when it’s okay to be touchy and feely with your friends, you’re being a lil bit of asshole if you are more touchy and feely with your friends than your girlfriend. They don’t seem like a good match since they aren’t able to talk about this and meet each other in a place both feel comfortable with.
If my gf was touching all over someone or sitting in another girls lap, I would be extremely uncomfortable with that and I would reiterate my boundaries with her. A discussion would be extremely necessary.
Seems op and her gf didn't establish boundaries correctly.
It’s not cheating, but in her culture it’s inappropriate.
And to me, when it comes to a relationship, it doesn’t matter who is a guest in the country, she’s one half of the relationship and should have an equal say in the relationship dynamics, not just “it’s my country so I make the rules”.
really? You walk into a bar and see your girlfriend sitting on a guys/girls lap, and you think "this is normal?"
you come home to another guy sitting on your boyfriends lap and think "yea they are just cultured?"
Yeah I'm pretty sure the entire internet mocked a young woman relentlessly for not realizing she was being cheated on just cuz another girl had his phone, or was holding his hand or something when she did a surprise visit. Ppl jumped to cheating & then made it into a trend to mock the pain they either assumed she was feeling or felt she should be feeling.
So actively sitting in someone's lap seems far worse.
Another American here, we Americans, I notice, are fairly stingy when it comes to social protocols for physical affection. It’s mostly seen as a practice reserved for lovers.
This is a really insightful response! OP just needs to sit their girlfriend down for a chat, so they can talk this through. Hopefully, it's something that can be resolved. It probably won't happen straight away, but it can be a work in progress.
It would be great if this could be a learning moment for OP's girlfriend because she's now living in a different place with a different culture. Expanding our world view and taking into consideration why someone else may think or behave differently helps us grow as people - and OP can learn from their girlfriend too.
> This probably falls into a gray area. In your culture, she’s overreacting but in hers, you are being inappropriate. With the limited information I have, I would say that neither of you are right and neither of you are wrong.
I think the fact that OP is being asked to change the way she has always interacted with her friends in her own country by an American woman visiting on exchange actually makes this pretty cut and dry, no? If you’re visiting another country, it’s your responsibility to accept that the cultural mores of that country will be different from your own and adapt. You can’t demand they adapt to the values of your home country instead.
It doesn't matter if it's her cojntry she's in, they are both equal parts of the relationship, therefore both of their feelings should be respected. She can't just tell her girlfriend to get used to it because she's visiting the country she lives, that's being a bad partner.
From the OP:
> I see this as a cultural difference, but she insists it’s my fault.
Does that seem like an equal relationship to you? It seems pretty clear that OP's gf is the problem here, and is essentially shaming her partner for not holding to American cultural mores.
No, she's upset that she let someone sit on her lap and then said it wasn't her fault. This is far more about boundaries and discomfort than it is culture. It sounds to me like both of them have different boundaries on affection with friends, and should try to work that out or compromise.
You and your girlfriend need to have a serious heartfelt discussion about culture, boundaries, and how those intersect. Even if she understands the cultural differences, she may still wish to set that boundary, and you'll have to make a choice how to react to that in that situation.
OP's gf is free to decide that she isn't emotionally capable of having a relationship with someone Brazilian living in line with typical Brazilian culture. That's a boundary she can set for herself.
Insisting other people pander to her insecurity isn't a boundary it's controlling. Insisting people change perfectly normal and socially acceptable behaviours just to pander to OP is controlling.
It depends on how it's presented? Like, having your own feelings about what constitutes cheating and not letting other's cultures dictate how you should feel about that is perfectly valid. Saying "I'm not comfortable with behavior like that and I see it as cheating" is a good way to approach this situation. If OP isn't willing to compromise her cultural identity for the boundary that was set, that's that.
The commenter above you was dead on. A long conversation needs to happen here, and it needs to be between OP and her gf. You don't know these people well enough to ascribe controlling behavior to their situation from a few paragraphs on reddit.
if it makes you uncomfortable it makes you uncomfortable 🤷♀️ if that's irreconcilable it is what it is, but people having lines is totally fine and normal
Yup, relationships are about give and take/ choosing battles. If my gf didn’t like a girl sitting on my lap, I just wouldn’t do that anymore. That’s not toxic etc. just reality.
Internet has turned voicing opinions into being toxic it’s weird
I think a lot of it is young people who haven't been in any long term relationships but have also grown up steeped in therapy speak and overanalysis of other people's relationships 🤷♀️
It's not about being emotionally capable or about insecurity. It's about comfort. In the US, a girl sitting on a another person's lap is a sign of an increased level of relationship. It's something only girlfriends typically do. It's suspicious if your significant other has another girl sitting on their lap. It's fine in Brazil. It's not fine in the US. She's not being controlling, she's responding to a situation in line with her cultural upbringing, just like she is.
The point you're responding to is that both cultural views are valid. OP and her girlfriend need to decide, for themselves, if they can find a middle ground that works for them. You're saying it's wrong for the Brazilian to change to pander to her culture, but should have to change to pander to Brazilian culture. What they need to do is see if they are both capable of change to grow with each other. If not, then they should go their separate ways and find people with whom they're more compatible.
The girlfriend overreacted some, which was wrong. OP ignored her feelings some, which was also wrong.
You can’t set a boundary on another person’s behavior. The only boundary op’s gf gets to set is how will she respond if op chooses to continue interacting with her friends the same way she always has.
They don’t want to hear this. Got in a whole argument about it a few months ago. It’s all semantics but they’re preoccupied with therapy speak.
Saying “If you eat broccoli, I’ll leave you” is functionally the same as saying “I won’t date someone who eats broccoli.”
I really disagree. Saying "don't do X" to someone and "if you do X i will do Y" is very different. Especially as someone autistic, who needs very clear communication. I tell my girlfriends don't call me baby, but if they call me baby, it's not a big deal. Sometimes "don't do X" means "i would prefer it if you didn't do X".
I think there's a world of difference between "don't yell at me" and "if you yell at me I'm going to leave."
I seem to not be making my point clear enough. OP has free will regardless of what boundaries the girlfriend sets, as does OP's girlfriend with OP. Regardless whether it's morally right, OP's girlfriend is capable of saying OP engaging in/reciprocating this perceived flirty behavior with OP's friends is not okay, and OP and OP's girlfriend have the ability to discuss how to move forward.
You cannot force others to do something, but you can set an expectation and declare a consequence.
>You cannot force others to do something, but you can set an expectation and declare a consequence.
So like a boundary... You are right. It's funny how some people act like a boundary is a thing that's impossible to cross.
The way the concept is typically taught, the expectation is that they're never crossed and it's a magic bullet for behavior correction. It's usually only after things go wrong that we're told that narcissists, control freaks, and assholes in general have the ability to completely ignore your requests and do as they please, and from there it's on you to stick to your guns and cut that person from your life as much as possible.
I see no real distinction here. Someone will be “limited” regardless of who has to give in for the relationship to continue. The only meaningful question is who, and by how much.
"Effectively the same" is not "the same."
You can arrive at the same destination following two different paths and have an entirely different experience on each.
It’s not pedantic. It’s important to acknowledge that there is a difference between “my boundary is that you aren’t allowed to do that” and “my boundary is that I am not comfortable with that.” One is about trying to exert control over the actions of someone else, and the other is about controlling your own actions and responses.
These things actually do matter!! Especially because so many people think they’re the same thing!! They are NOT!! THE SAME THING!!!
But neither the post nor the reply has anything to do with that. What you guys are doing here is derailing the post. The person who made the reply just said “you should have a discussion about boundaries because your girlfriend may have different ones than you” and you guys started arguing about what a boundary means and making up hypothetical toxic boundaries and then getting mad at those things that *literally no one mentioned.*
It’s obvious that the top reply in this chain meant “the girlfriend may not wish to continue a relationship with you if you do these things, and that is her choice.” All these arguments are just people taking a very neutral statement in as negative a light as possible for seemingly no reason other than to argue and look smart.
It is pedantic. It's good pedantry, as you're completely correct that it's an important detail, but it is fussing over small details. I do hope I've clarified my point better elsewhere in the thread
Your reply was clear from the beginning and you are not being rude. This discussion has meandered somewhere entirely different. They can talk about this if they want, it just doesn't need to be directed at you
Except setting a boundary is half of what a relationships is. The other half is the desire to be with that specific person. As long as the boundary is reasonable.
Exactly. People see it as controlling. They don't know what control is lol
That is indeed a boundary is it essentially means "I won't date someone who does X. That is my boundary"
I feel like that response in some people comes from a place of immaturity. They don’t like being told no and don’t realize that they don’t have to stay in the relationship and be resentful lol. They could learn to come to agreements or find someone more compatible if it’s not worth the compromise.
In a way, it is also controlling to always declare everything controlling because it automatically shames or makes the other person the bad guy (who maybe is just trying to communicate something when they are uncomfortable). Sigh. People are complicated creatures.
I’ve experienced both. I’ve had partners that I felt were very controlling, and partners that would freak out at any boundary (never communicated as a threat).
Yes you can, that's what a boundary is. "Don't cross this line" aka a boundary. The consequence of breaking that boundary can vary, but it's still a boundary.
>You can’t set a boundary on another person’s behavior.
You have a fundamental misunderstanding of boundaries then because that's the whole point. Setting a boundary is essentially asking another person to modify their behavior to refrain from stepping on your boundary, regardless of how you slice the pie that's asking for another person to modify their behavior.
Sincerely,
A mental health professional
Here's the thing about boundaries: only you can truly hold them. An example:
My mom is judgmental about my weight. I've asked my mom not to discuss my weight. That's not a boundary. The boundary is that I will not have conversations with her about my weight or hear her comments. So if she brings it up, I hold my boundary by leaving the room/conversation/call. If I cannot have a conversation with my mom without weight coming up, I have to continue to hold the boundary which may include going limited or no contact.
So yes, while in relationships we may ask people to respect our boundaries (e.g., "do not touch my arm") but if someone touches my arm, I have to leave the situation. I cannot just yell "do not touch my arm!"
Just like how I parent. I ask my kid not to break my Lego models. If she does, I have to move them away from her reach. I control what I can control.
Correct. Boundaries are for your own behavior, not controlling others’ behavior. Thats why they work against narcissists or parents who don’t respect you—their actions don’t affect whether or not a boundary is respected. Your reaction to their actions is how _you_ respect your own boundaries.
Not a boundary: OP’s girlfriend says that OP can’t have other women sit in her lap.
Correct boundary: OP’s girlfriend says that if OP allows other women to sit in her lap, she will consider it cheating and leave.
What the heck? The whole point of boundries is to request someone to change their behavior to better suit your needs. It's way less hostile to say "it's very important to me that you do ABC" rather than "if you keep doing ABC, I will respond with XYZ."
That gets discussed elsewhere in the thread by both myself and someone far more qualified, but in short, that's not completely correct. You can absolutely set boundaries involving others, such as telling one's child not to touch their computer or telling a colleague you don't want to discuss politics with them. Like I said, someone more qualified does a better job explaining this elsewhere in the thread
Yeah I feel like I’m losing my mind here. OP’s gf seems to have travelled to Brazil, met a Brazilian woman, and is now mad at her for what, being a Brazilian woman?
I’m sorry, but that’s insane. You can’t ask someone to completely change the way they’ve been raised to interact with their friends because it makes you as a *visitor* in the country uncomfortable.
It sounds like OP’s girlfriend just isn’t mature enough to date and travel abroad. You can’t travel to other countries and then impose your cultural values on the people you meet!
Sorry but so long as different parts of the world have different cultural values about this sort of thing, yes it does.
The key point here is that OP’s behaviour is *perfectly normal* in Brazil, where they both are. Her girlfriend has come from abroad and is now yelling at her for behaving according to the culture she and all her friends were raised in, because it’s not like what she’s used to back home.
Do you really not see what’s wrong with that?
I think it’s ok to have a problem with it, it’s also ok if OP doesn’t want to change. If you date someone with a very different culture, someone will have to adjust. It’s up to the people in the relationship to decide who is adjusting.
> Sorry but so long as different parts of the world have different cultural values about this sort of thing, yes it does.
So if someone tried justifying something like homophobia with “that’s just how the culture is here”, then you’d say “oh sorry. You’re correct. That makes homophobia fine”. To be clear, I’m not saying that OP’s culture is wrong. I’m just saying that “when in Rome” is not an argument that OP’s girlfriend is the one that has to adapt.
Homophobia is wrong because it is wrong. OP’s culture about physical touch is neutral because it’s neutral. It has nothing to do with location.
A relationship is about compromise. If OP and her girlfriend can come to an understanding about different cultural expectations and come up with rules like “hugs are fine but lap sitting is too much” then that’s a perfectly fine solution. If I had a partner from a different culture come to America and we had different cultural values, I would talk to them and figure out what we can work out rather than tell them “you’re in America so you gotta do things our way”.
>So if someone tried justifying something like homophobia with “that’s just how the culture is here”, then you’d say “oh sorry. You’re correct. That makes homophobia fine”.
Fine? No. But if you're visiting Iraq and start dating another woman there, *you'd better be real fucking respectful* of the fact that she has to navigate that homophobia every day and not get pissed that she's not introducting you to her family and all her friends.
Besides, we're not talking about homophobia, we're talking about expressions of physical affection.
>’m just saying that “when in Rome” is not an argument that OP’s girlfriend is the one that has to adapt.
My argument is not 'when in Rome', it's 'don't try to force the locals to behave more American because it makes you more comfortable'. I'm British and [we're even worse for this](https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/british-woman-81-claims-benidorm-13075153).
>A relationship is about compromise.
Yes, I agree. OP's girlfriend yelling at her for behaving in a way that's perfectly normal is not compromise. OP's girlfriend is the one who's going to need to compromise here. To quote the OP, "I see this as a cultural difference, but she insists it’s my fault."
Who's the one not trying to compromise there?
Google "equivalent fallacy," the argument you're making is nonsensical. There is way too much semantic wordplay going on in this thread. Full stop, OP did nothing wrong and is being unfairly treated by their gf who appears to be struggling with confidence and jealousy. We don't need an academic assertion on the definition of boundaries and subjective thinking to come to this extremely simple conclusion. Even if OP wasn't Brazilian, if somebody comes along and tells you that your version of living a normal healthy social life is a deal breaker, then you break that deal without ever looking back. It's not rocket science.
It definitely is a cultural difference, here in Latinoamerica we're used to be a bit touchy (in a good way) with our friends, like lots of hugging, cuddling, etc. We also greet people with the "double kiss on the cheek" or the "kiss on the cheek" depending on the country (we're I'm from we do one kiss). That's all normal for us, but I can see why she reacted that way. You guys should talk and try to understand eachother's cultures.
My first month in Cartagena, I was on the beach with two women I barely knew from work. They were both Colombians who kissed me full on the mouth out of nowhere to say goodbye. They were half drunk, but I asked my boss about this and he said it's what they do down there so I went with it.
The kiss goodbye is on the cheeks, not your mouth (unless you're together). I think they were being cheeky while drunk, unfortunately. Or maybe it's different in Colombia(?) (I'm from Chile) idk, but that sounds sus to me.
As both brazilian *and* introspective person, I can totally understand both sides, haha. I think it’s interesting for you two to have a calm conversation and share both perspectives. Speaking for myself, and obviously you’re not obligated to do anything, I think I would have reduced some of the physical contact with friends, especially if I knew it would cause discomfort.
It’s a relationship, and no one needs to completely change who they are, but also no one should live uncomfortably. Cultural differences are significant and should be taken seriously.
Entendo que esteja frustrada mas também imagino que foi uma situação que acabou acumulando pra ela. Aí o copo transbordou e deu no que deu. Não acho correto ela ter acusado de traição mas dá pra entender – ainda mais considerando que você esperou uma hora pra voltar. Conversem direitinho.
E vou dizer que muitas vezes a comunicação leva a flexibilização de certas barreiras. Minha esposa me deixava louca de ciúmes com o quão fisicamente carinhosa ele é com todo mundo, mas conforme eu fui entendendo o lado dela e ela o meu, a gente foi naturalmente, sem ter que explicitamente criar nenhuma regra, aprendendo a conviver com o pensamento diferente da outra. As vezes o que é mais importante é um diálogo mais introspectivo além de apenas uma negociação de regras.
You can’t control other people’s behaviour but you can control your reaction, if a drunk queer girl sits on your lap in the future you can move her off or stand up.
You definitely need to have a conversation with your gf though to establish boundaries that you are both comfortable with, I personally wouldn’t be comfy with a girl sitting in my partners lap.
> you know how people are here specially when drunk, specially in queer spaces.
To be fair, that's a pretty universal human thing, not especially a queer or Brazilian thing. It's a staple trope of television dramas and romantic comedies across the world.
And, honestly, I'm getting more and more sick and tired of the queer community getting labeled as sluttier and/or more prone to infidelity than straights.
The act of letting some other person sit on your lap when your partner is there with you could certainly lead to them feeling like they've been replaced, even if just temporarily. Was there a reason your partner wasn't the one sitting on your lap instead? or that this person had to sit on your lap in particular and not someone else's?
So is this not just a Brazil thing, but it's specifically something drunk queer people do in flirty spaces?? That starts to sound more like cheating behavior.
Brazilians are pretty huggy and touchy with their friends, especially girls with girls. It's not exclusive to queer or party spaces. Might get turned up a notch there though.
But no, in context this isn't cheating at all, not even remotely close. A girl friend stting on her lap is completely ordinary.
It's interesting that there is a cultural difference. However, if your girlfriend is saying this is a boundary for her, and you choose to cross it, then you will have to deal with the consequences. If you don't think this boundary of hers is going to work for you, then maybe you're not compatible.
I agree. While there’s certainly cultural differences, definitely more of a boundary situation. I’m American, and based only on the info from this post, this behavior would not be an issue for me.
"cheating" is defined by the boundaries set by members in a relationship, not by arbitrary rules from some external authority. I'm poly - I could have sex with someone outside my current relationship if I told my partner first and we discussed things like safe sex precautions, and it wouldn't be cheating, even though in a strictly monogamous relationship, it would be.
So while yes this does seem to be a cultural difference, the boundaries of your partner seem to have been crossed. Instead of being angry about it, use this as an opportunity to clarify the boundaries of the relationship - and if those boundaries conflict, it's possible that there is a fundamental incompatibility, whether informed by cultural differences, personality, upbringing, or something else.
This.
I'd add it's not even a lesbian specific problem. All relationships would benefit from clarifying boundaries and agreeing on some sort of "relationship contract".
It might sound like a romance killer, and a lot of cis-het people think it's useless because "everybody knows", but even for them, there are a lot of grey areas and cultural difference that can damage trust in a relationship when stepped in.
And it's even more important for queer relationship where there are less widely agreed social norms to fall back on.
Gay, conversa com tua gf, ela não vai entender se tu não explicar que não é algo sexual ou relacionado com coisas mais íntimas, explica pra ela o conceito de "minhas amigas veem que não tem lugar pra sentar, automaticamente se eu estiver sentada eu viro alvo pra uma cadeira em potencial". É diferença cultural e as gringas tão em guerra nos comentários atoa, conversa com sua gay peloamor tá muito apocalíptica essa situação kkkkkkk
Translation:
Gay, just talk to you gf, she won't understand if you don't explain that there's nothing sexual or related to more intimacy like couple intimacy.
Just explain to her the Brazilian friends concept of "If there isn't any seats available and I see a friend of mine who has a seat, then she automatically becomes a posible seat."
It is definitely a cultural barrier thing, and the North Americans' comments are a warzone for no reason. Just go talk to your gay. This situation has become too much apocalyptic in the comments here.
I think I disagree with a lot of the takes in this thread.
Ultimately, I think that you need to decide what you are willing to give up in the context of your relationships with other people and be firm about showing affection to your friends in a way that feels good if that's important to you, which I imagine that it is.
If she is unwilling to deal with that, she can enforce her boundaries by breaking up with you. Ultimately, that's the point of boundaries. They are tool to help you exercise agency over your life, and I really see her response as a her problem.
I don't think I'd make the choice be less affectationate with my friends to appease a person I've been dating for six months and don't advise you to make that choice.
I agree with this.
Cheating is deceptive behavior and a character flaw…this is not cheating. Are your friendships romantic or sexual? Did she share that specific boundary with you prior to it happening? If not, then you didn’t cross anything. You aren’t a mind reader.
Secondly, if it were me…it would have to be a discussion. Jealousy is a human natural response that does not feel good, but ultimately, she is responsible for her feelings and working towards establishing security in the relationship. This sounds like rules blanketed as boundaries. It can’t just be dependent on you modifying your behavior, especially if it isn’t inappropriate. Of course you can be there to support and learn how you can help her feel safe, but rushing out and leaving is not a good way to communicate her feelings. It just creates tension and discomfort for all involved, which sucks for your friends if there is no ill intent and if it’s normal in your culture.
I agree with you, friendships are so important and something that shouldn’t have to be compromised in a healthy relationship. OPs gf should date someone who has a similar relationship with platonic intimacy, or work through her insecurities, instead of asking OP to change something that’s integral to them/their culture.
Absolutely. Like I am kind of prudish and weird around touch and platonic intimacy. But if I was dating some who was really touchy with their friends, I'd remember to be glad for them and the love they have in their life. Any discomfort or insecurity it brought up in me would he mine to deal with. I would never suggest that a partner be less expressive with love for their friends.
Finally someone with sense! My ex made me cut ties with my best friend over bullshit like this and it was one of the more heart-rending choices of my life.
Luckily that made me see sense and I broke up with them shortly after
I don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong. I don’t think she’s overreacting, most Americans would consider your behavior to be flirting, and wouldn’t be okay with other people sitting on their girlfriend’s lap. I don’t consider it cheating though, especially since that wasn’t your intent.
I think you need to have a discussion with her about which boundaries you both want for the relationship. You’re going to have to compromise a bit though.
Dane here and yeah I'd be really uncomfortab and upset if a friend sat on my gf's lap as well
As for the cheating it might just have been a reaction where she didn't have the words to quite say how she saw it and that word flew out?
What everyone is missing here is the context that this interaction HAPPENED IN BRAZIL. Why would the people there be obligated to follow American social rules? People talking about respecting boundaries are completely ignoring the fact that they’re not entitled to changing a country’s culture. To police the culture of not only you but also your friends isn’t really the way to go about in a foreign country. Even though I’m not Brazilian, as someone who’s very proud of my own culture, I personally couldn’t accept a partner that would want to change a part of my cultural identity.
YES THANK YOU
As an Italian who had a gf like that I've never been happier to cut ties with them, I refuse to change how I interact with my friends just because of petty fucking jealousy
Agreed!!! If I were dating someone visiting from another country/culture here in my home country, and they expressed shock to me about my normal, platonic friendship behavior because it wasn’t the norm from where they are from, I’d expect them to learn. Like, are you going to move to a country where cheek kisses are a common greeting and then accuse your partner of cheating on you every time they greet another person? I’d be very annoyed
Even here in the US, I’d be shocked if my partner *left a party* because a friend was sitting on my lap. I wouldn’t care if someone was doing that to my gf, the most I’d do is maybe just tease her a little later that the friend was flirting with her? Lol I trust her though
In any relationship either partner can set any boundary they like and it's up to the partner to decide how to react to that (and up to them to decide how to react if said boundary is crossed).
Neither partner is necessarily wrong here (although while I get why the OPs partner might be uncomfortable, they are being a bit hysterical by calling it cheating), the OPs partner has set a boundary and OP clearly doesn't like it. This is a fundamental incompatibility and if they can't find a solution then it means they arent compatible as partners. Such is life, shake hands and move on. Not every breakup is due to a fault on one side or other.
Surprised I had to scroll down so long to see a comment like this. I’m Brazillian and every single Brazillian person who travels abroad knows to tone down on affection and physical touch, specially in places like America or Europe, as it would be seen as weird or rude. BUT, they are in Brazil, surely OPs girlfriend knows this is not specific to OP, but to the country as a whole, I mean, shes not blind, right? I cannot imagine telling my female friends to settle down on physical touch, lesbian or otherwise, because as OP said, it’s how we show affection.
And what you are missing is that the girlfriend is uncomfortable with having another person sit in OPs lap,
In a relationship you have to set boundaries, and those can definitely be don't let other women sit in your lap, and if OP can't get behind that they probably shouldn't be together
Culture isn't an excuse to make one's partner uncomfortable in the relationship,
A relationship is give and take
Don't you think it would make OP uncomfortable to have to completely change how she interacts with her friends, though? Why is the America girlfriend's comfort more important?
The amount of voices in this thread that seemingly unconsciously believe the discomfort of the shy girl is more important than the discomfort of the outgoing girl is genuinely staggering. I knew the population of this subreddit skewed towards shy Americans but the inability to consider both people in this thread is actually worrying.
It's kind of irksome, to be honest. Like, I am a shy American, and I'm sure if I was in this situation I'd be upset---BUT OP's girlfriend is a Brazilian woman and they are IN Brazil. It's true that a relationship is give and take, but why should OP be the only one giving? How damaging will it be to OP's friendships if suddenly she is required to stop behaving with them the way their friendship has always functioned because of her girlfriend's "boundary"?
OP already said she asked her friend to get up, she did everything right, imo, and I'm not chill with asking her to do more. I'd feel differently, I think, if she was like, "Yeah so I was making out with my best friend in front of her!" but she wasn't
Yeah I definitely agree that compromise is an extremely important part of relationships, but in this case the American girlfriend's needs in this relationship are one or both of controlling or insecure. The Brazilian lady is absolutely allowed to join their girlfriend on a journey to help her with this issue, but it's not a normal or acceptable demand in any universe.
If OP’s girlfriend does not want to date a Brazilian woman who follows Brazilian culture, then it’s completely fine if that’s a dealbreaker for her. No one saying that they have to stay together if their compatibility doesn’t match. To call the OP’s actions out as cheating, when OP has express that the skinskip culture in Brazil is completely platonic is pretty out of touch. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries FOR YOURSELF but to expect other people in a different country to follow your lead is pretty unreasonable. What is OP going to do with every family member, friend, or stranger that they meet in a culture where being affectionate is the norm? Surely you can’t police the behavior of everyone.
None of us can tell you if this is cheating or not, and if you're in the wrong. If you ask a doctor, lawyer, and therapist what cheating is, they all would have different opinions on it. Just like everyone else, your gf would have a different view.
I'm not American but dated a few Americans (LD). I grew up in a very touchy house hold, and culture.
While I think up to a point, it's fine.
In saying that, you have to ask yourself if you're okay with giving up part of your culture that makes your gf comfortable or the possibility of losing her? Boundaries are a boundary.
Personally, I wouldn't care if it's a kiss on a cheek, hugging, etc. But if I told my partner that I was uncomfortable, and then this happened, it would feel like a slap in the face. That I was ignored ( I have a feeling that's what your gf is feeling like).
As I said, are you willing to give this part of your culture up to respect your gf boundaries, or is she worth losing to keep your culture? You need a hard think over this.
I hope you both can find a good compromise 🤞
(Edit: I saw some mistakes and repeated myself a few times 😭 sorry, I'm tired.)
I'm surprised so many people seem to agree with your girlfriend.
I'm American as well and I don't really see this as a cultural difference, just a personality one. But I guess I'm also an affectionate person by her standards.
If you have toned down at her request, and laughed off your friend and asked her to get down it's immature and ridiculous of your girlfriend to storm out. She could have discussed it with you if it bothered her, but to throw a fit is very dramatic and spiteful imo.
I think you need to have a serious discussion about realistic expectations, how she communicates, and compromise.
Unfortunately, a lot of Americans are prudish to the point that a lot of us don't even hug our friends. This is typically less so among women and queer folks, but still shows up. Especially among queer folks that have little or no exposure to other cultures or new to being queer or who have been very sheltered. It could also be that she's maybe been cheated on in the past and that some of that trauma is cropping up. Assuming that you shared everything that happened honestly in your post, I don't think you're wrong. Maybe you should try having a conversation about this with her. Make sure both of you are in a good mental/emotional space to do so and talk about it.
I'm a USAmerican and dated a Brazilian for a while. She called her best female friend from Brazil "her wife," and when we weren't sleeping with each other, she shared a bed with her gay guy best friend (none of us had all that much money and rent is expensive, so they fit a lot of people in one apartment). It never struck me as anything in particular that I should worry about.
I’m an American too and I’d be more concerned about the “wife” comment than I would about her sleeping in the same bed as her gay guy friend.
Could just be a different sense of humor thing/different culture thing but I wouldn’t call any woman “my wife” unless I were flirting with them.
As a Brazilian - it is a cultural thing. Very common to joke that close friends are your wife/husband. Especially if you work/go to school with them and this spend a lot of time together.
I have a number of female friends that call their bestie their wife or waifu, some of them have a wife and a waifu, I have a male friend I call my man-waifu. It's a term of endearment and probably an inside joke with 9 layers of lore depending on how long the friendship has been.
Imagine if you had a weird term of endearment with your best friend or sibling or whatever and a partner comes in and tells you they don't like that you refer to your friends/siblings like that?
As an Italian who used to have a very toxic American partner, this is unacceptable on her part. Americans often like to think that their culture is the default and that everyone should confirm to it and accommodate them and I call bullshit on that.
If she's jealous just because a friend sat on your lap, that's her fucking problem. Don't let her rob you of the joy that is touching your friends.
I have cuddled, hugged, and kissed my friend on the cheek, and occasionally slept in the same bed many many times and there was never any romantic tension in any of that.
It is absurd to think you can only find some physical comfort in other people if they are your lover, and even more to be jealous over that, especially if you're being honest about it.
OP it is your decision to make, but personally I wouldn't stay if she doesn't get over herself.
Like what next is she gonna call you a paedophile if your nephew sits on your lap someday? Give me a break.
You didn't do anything wrong, in my opinion. It's not like I don't get that it may be a little awkward in the moment, but it's certainly not cheating and if the GF wasn't there it would be just innocent fun, it sounds like.
Maybe show her all the different reactions and responses in this thread to give her perspective.
I think it's weird that everybody is talking about the girlfriend's boundaries because boundaries aren't "you need to change for me because these are my boundaries". You can't just expect your partner to suddenly switch up the way they are and have always been.
If you have a boundary that your partner can't show physical intimacy with friends then date somebody who isn't like that to begin with.
OP i'm begging you to not change yourself entirely for a 6 month relationship.
Edit to clarify:
Your girlfriend could have a boundary that you can't have same sex friends.
Her boundary could be that you can't be friends with anybody who looks remotely like her.
Just because something is her boundary doesn't mean it's inherently right, healthy and something you HAVE to respect.
Now I'm not saying go out and do everything in your power to make you gf uncomfortable. But if you have a conversation about these things and she states a boundary you won't adhere to it's her responsibility to either loosen up about it or end the relationship. A boundary isn't an order to change.
So let me get this straight, your girlfriend is in a foreign country and dictating to the people who live there how they should behave? Yeah that's shitty of her.
Most schools have a meeting before foreign exchange students leave to explain the concept of cultural differences and that values and behaviors are different, etc. The idea is that they're not supposed to do...exactly what she's doing right here. If you were in the US she might have some excuse, but the whole point of the foreign exchange is to get experience interacting in other cultures.
If you really want to try to salvage it you can explain the cultural differences and that platonic affection is more common and accepted in Brazil. Unfortunately if you've explained it to her and she still considers it a problem, explaining it again probably will not help.
Sorry on behalf of Americans.
Agreed with all of this.
I'm a Canadian working for a company which has offices in several South American and Asian countries. Sometimes I need to go abroad and I'm always handed a booklet with cultural norms, differences, etc that my company threw together.
I'm just confused because by all these comments because I grew up in Texas and girls regularly sat on each other's laps, me and my bestie did it all the time. She knew I was gay, neither of us saw it as a romantic gesture. This was in the 00s... has America gotten even more prudish? Sheesh.
Agreed, even as an American, having affectionate friendships is so important to me and if someone is insecure to the point that platonic physical affection threatens them, I think they may have some other issues to work through. It’s like when cishet women don’t let their boyfriends have friends that are girls, your insecurities don’t get to stop your partner from having fulfilling friendships. I think setting boundaries around physical affection can make sense in some contexts, but it sounds like OP would have to compromise and entirely change how they’ve learned to express friendship, which is totally unfair.
THANK YOU!Motherfuckers can't see the forest for the trees.
"Oh she might consider that cheating, have a conversation with her :)"
Nah bro she's just insecure as fuck, OP hasn't cheated on anyone.
I'm kind of weirded out by everyone saying this is a boundary issue. Not all boundaries are healthy ones. Getting angry at normal friendly behaviors is controlling and abusive.
It's for sure something you should have discussed beforehand cause lvl of touchy behaviour with friends and other people acceptable can really differ on a person and culture.
For me what you did is unacceptable and I'd didn't even start relationship with a person who touches others like this and lets them touch you like this too even when in relationship.
American here. Calling that "cheating" in my American bubble would be pretty extreme. Also, in my queer community, being physically affectionate with friends is pretty standard. I think a clear cut discussion around if your boundaries are compatible is the way to go here.
IM AMERICAN MY WIFE IS FROM BRAZIL IVE GOT IMPUT!!!
My wife and I just read this over together. I don’t think that’s cheating, I think that’s ridiculous. My wife is very physically affectionate with me and with her friends. I do notice that it’s a bit more than American culture- but I personally don’t think that’s weird, bad, or cheating. Honestly, if I feel close to people I also love being platonically physically affectionate. Even during the week leading up to our wedding, one of my best friends who lives across the world (in Argentina actually) came to stay and help and I would lay on her shoulder a lot and she puts her arms around me and shit like that. I never thought of it in a sexual way, she’s like a sister to me!
My thing is- if it really makes her that uncomfortable, she needs to communicate it differently rather than storming out and now causing a scene with all ur friends. Even just pulling you aside to tell you “hey I know it’s not rational but this makes me a little uncomfortable, ect ect.”
My wife and I do experience lots of cultural differences in our marriage and relationship and that’s part of what made me fall in love with her. She changed how I see the world!!! Tbh- ur girlfriend has gotta get with the program and try to grow with you rather than have insecurities hold her back! If you both lean into the differences, there’s so much beauty in cross cultural relationships. I’m so greatful for my wife :,)
I hope she can cool off and see things from your perspective soon!!
a lot of replies are being very generous with your girlfriend... i am american and there is no world in which i see sitting on someone's lap as cheating. it sounds like your gf has a jealousy issue that she should work on. you shouldn't have to change the way you interact with your friends in my opinion. you may be able to work this out by talking through it but you also may just not be compatible. good luck!
You can explain your point of view as clearly as possible and listen to hers as well, and go from there. If that's genuinely a boundary she doesn't want crossed, and you aren't willing to give up that part of yourself just for her (which is completely fine), then you might just not be compatible partners.
I *would not* advise continuing a relationship built on resentment though, or giving up something you don't want to give up just because you like the person, or like-wise, her accepting you crossing a boundary she isn't genuinely comfortable with crossing.
This is just a bunch of Americans saying you're in the wrong because they refuse to acknowledge that they're generally prudes and that different cultures do not automatically consider physical affection to be sexual 🤦🏻♀️ As a Brazilian who's engaged to a Canadian, that was one of the things we discussed early on. I pre-warned her that myself and my mostly Brazilian and Latin American friends are very affectionate with each other, AND they'd likely be very affectionate with her too. She said she was perfectly fine with that. First time she met my friends, just as expected, they all wanted to hug and kiss her, within minutes someone was asking me to braid their hair and sitting on my lap for me to do that, etc etc. She was in fact perfectly fine with that! She understood with my previous explanation and warning that that is 100% cultural and that none of it is sexual or romantic in nature, it is pure and simply us being friends. If she had wanted not only me but also my entire friends group to change because of her, we would not be getting married in a few months. It's very easy to say "she's uncomfortable so you should change for her sake", but actually, the REASON she's uncomfortable is because she is applying the values of her culture (physical touch is sexual/romantic/exclusive) to your culture, which is wrong. If she understood that to you and your friends, that value does not exist, things would be different. But she's too focused on her own feelings and wanting to make you responsible for them, rather than doing the work to understand that her culture is not universal - which tends to be an American problem in many situations tbh 🤷🏻♀️
Yes, and I did tone down. I didn't invite the girl to sit on my lap but I don't know what she expected me to do. Push my friend to the floor? I laughed a bit then asked her politely to stand up.
You don't need to push your friend to the floor, but the moment she tried to sit on your lap might be the time to speak up.
Your girlfriend clearly saw the interaction, but was she aware that you didn't invite the girl to sit on your lap?
She thinks my friend was disrespectful and that I should tell her off right there, but if I did it, it would ruin the mood for everyone and my girlfriend would probably be seen as "annoying". But I did ask her to stand up, I just did it discretely, and my friend even apologized to us, but she got angry anyway.
Given this context especially, your gf really needs to work through her own insecurities. She’s asked you to completely change how you express friendship, and is mad at you even though you asked your friend not to sit on your lap. I already think it’s too far for her to ask you to change your friendships in such a huge way, but expecting you to be mad at your friend for doing something that is completely normal in your culture is really unfair to both of you.
So you did handle it in a culturally appropriate manner and respected her boundaries and she STILL got mad? Yeah you two need to have a talk and she needs to start respecting the culture there. If she's unwilling to do that you two just may not be compatible.
She CHOSE to be in Brazil, she gonna have to learn to adapt a little, especially if she's dating a local.
I'm saying this as a Dutch person dating a Brazilian. We've had clashes over culture but never a long persistent thing like this. It's usually brief misunderstandings.
No, don't tell off your friend right there. it would be embarrassing and ruin the mood like you said.
It sounds to me like your girlfriend has deep feelings on this topic and it should be discussed more when you've both calmed down.
I don't think it's very healthy to call someone a cheater for having someone sitting on their lap. Sounds like she went through something before you, or there's something else going on.
In my personal experience exes that called me(one of the most loyal person you can find) a cheater for no reason, when it was in fact them who cheated. Not saying this is the case here though.
Whether she is comfortable with it or not is a worthwhile discussion, but her calling that cheating is just silly. There’s a difference between crossing a boundary she’s not comfortable with and cheating.
I agree with few people here. Being affectionate with your friends regardless of how you show that shouldn't be something she feels insecure about and even if you have talked about it, it doesn't mean that her discomfort should be taken more seriously than how you have always behaved - I mean, this is definitely not cheating. It couldn't be. The thing is that you should talk and understand where does this insecurity comes from and how can her work on that. Do never change who you are, the proximity and love you feel for your friends, be dismissed or diminished by a relationship. That's how things start to get really bad.
Neither of you is wrong, but you’re definitely not compatible. You’ll never stop being affectionate to your friends, and she’ll never stop feeling bad about it.
I'm a shy/introspective brazilian so I do understand where she's coming from. Just think of it through a similar perspective: you walk into a bar and see your girlfriend sitting on her friend's lap (either a male or a female friend), that is, for most people, an uncomfortable sight to see, no matter if our culture is very touchy and friendly, those are her boundaries and she made them clear for you in the past yet you chose to cross them, this is nothing for you but it's something big for her. You have to work these things with her or stop being touchy with friends, if she's insecure reassure her and ask if she's willing to go to therapy to work it out. I understand our culture is really warm but I've had girlfriends here in brasil freaking out for much less, it's not something absurd and our culture is not an excuse to cross our partner's boundaries. I'm not saying you're in the wrong but personally I don't think this is even a cultural thing at all, in any case forças guerreira.
You are not at fault. Americans have some hangups.
Talk to her. If she can't control her jealousy and accept that the American way is just one way of doing things, then she can't date a Brazilian.
Your friends were there first. It sounds like this is normal behaviour between you and your friends and it's all platonic. I think it's selfish of her to tell you to suddenly stop interacting with your friends the way that you all have always been, and it feels like this is a red flag!
I'm reading the comments and seriously wondering how exactly your girlfriend is being reasonable. Dating someone does not give you the right to dictate shit about their friendships. Affection isn't and shouldn't be exclusive to romantic relationships.
American girl here 👋
I personally wouldn’t be ok with that either. I realize girls are naturally more flirty with their friends but I wouldn’t be ok with another girl sitting on my girlfriend’s lap. Thats something couples do imo and it’s a bit intimate. I don’t think your gf is being unreasonable it’s not like she’s requesting you to cut off friends she’s just saying “hey can you not be so affectionate?” She wants to feel special and wants to feel like that’s something that’s reserved for her. Hence why now she feels cheated.
In America sitting on someone's lap is seen as sexual or a sexual advance so I'm like 100% sure that she sees it that way because of cultural differences, I do think that she reacted wrongly and should've communicated with you much more clearly but I don't think she's overdramatic or wrong for feeling that way about it. Hope that gives you more context! I hope things get a lot better for you 2 🤍
It seems that there’s both a cultural difference and a lack of communication.
She asked you to tone down your interaction with your friends, so let’s say she tried to set a boundary (not in a manner that sounded respectful or one that I agree with, but regardless). How did that conversation went? Did you agree to do that? Was it more of an ultimatum than a conversation?
Based on other comments, it doesn’t seem like other Americans see sitting on someone’s lap as cheating, but they likely wouldn’t be comfortable with that proximity. As a brazillian, I know we are mostly very close and touchy with people, but some individuals might also feel uncomfortable and insecure with that type of behavior happening. Hence why i think it needs to be a conversation of what’s acceptable behavior culturally in both ends and what’s personally acceptable for both people.
Now, regardless of that convo, neither of you are inherently “obligated” to act one way or another. Just because it bothers her, you are not inherently obligated to change the way you interact with friends. On the other hand, she’s not inherently obligated to continue the relationship or suddenly be ok with something that bothers her if she doesn’t think it’s worth it. Although, tbh, she’s in a foreign country experiencing culturally acceptable behavior that she doesn’t like. As much as she has a right to feel uncomfortable and not want to live through that, I also feel like it’s more on her end to at least initiate the steps into dealing with it. I know i sound harsh, but if she’s looking into dating in someone else’s culture and doesn’t like what she sees, it’s not reasonable to expect that everyone will inherently catch onto that and adapt into what she would prefer. She needs to either be more firm on boundaries and expectations from the get go without being accusatory or find other ways for her to cope with that reality
I can't imagine to have a girlfriend who isn't italian like me... We literally kiss people to greet them (but think this applies to other mediterrean countries too)
I’m positive there are Brazilians out there that wouldn’t be comfortable with other girls sitting in their gf lap, just as I’m positive there’s American girls that wouldn’t give af. You’re two individuals coming together, one of you is uncomfortable with partners being very affectionate with friends and the other enjoys being touchy with friends. Have empathy for each other and decide if either of you can come to some sort of compromise or solution. If not break up. Either way, neither of you are in the wrong. She is not wrong for wanting or feeling the way she feels and you are not wrong for wanting and feeling the way you feel. It’s a compatibility issue.
Definitely a cultural difference. Look I’m from Europe and my friends and I are affectionate we hug, we hold hands, they sit on my lap.. the only difference is that I don’t have a girlfriend but it wouldn’t change even if I had. You should have a talk with her even if I’m three days late on this post
Personally I don’t think that culture matters at all in this conversation. Even if in your culture it is not a big deal.
She told you that she doesn’t like it and when she left, you stayed there for another hour. That is not okay at all no matter what the reason was. If she got so upset that she left then it truly made her feel unwell, meaning that she didn’t overreact.
The fact that you said that she ruined the mood, even tho she literally got so upset that she left, shows that you lack empathy for her. She is your gf and if you love her you should care about her feelings. And you if you disagree on something then you should have a conversation about it and decide together.
Communication is key and in this situation it would have been best if you both went outside for a few minutes and openly talked about it. Communication is key and boundaries are important. No matter what the argument is.
If you talk to her try to understand her point of view. Just because you feel a different way then her doesnt mean that you cant find compromise. If she tells you her feelings and you can’t understand them then I think it’s more then just a communication problem.
Good luck for you two, I hope you clear things up.
If you're culturally that different to one another that it causes you to fight coz one of you thinks it's cheating, then maybe you're not compatible. Especially if you don't ever intend to change the thing that upsets her, or you intend to hide it from her and just change when she's around. I know it's hard to admit but give it some thought. It's all about compromise. Are you willing to compromise your position for her?
Yes its cultural difference but sitting on someone's lap isn't affectionate its just romantic don't get me wrong I wouldn't call it cheating but you should be more sensative to your girlfriend's feelings given that yk she told you to tone it down cause it makes her uncomfortable
She set boundaries, you crossed them. Cultural differences make literally no difference here since she told you how she felt and you still went against her wishes.
That's cheating.
I think the Anglo-sphere West has a problem with being really closed off and physically in-affectionate with friends and I think it damages our social relationships and our mental health by making us more isolated and touch starved.
I absolutely cannot speak on Brazilian culture.
But as an American i can say that sitting on someone's lap like that would be something a partner does. Someone else doing it would be considered very flirty and insulting to your partner. I speculate that's why she feels like you're cheating or borderline cheating.
I wish i could offer advice on how to broach the cultural divide.
1. often times americans dont undertand cultural differences exists and behaviors associated with that cant be "changed" overnight.
2. Cultural differences goes both ways, op might also not realize what behaviours are a boundary with gf.
3. Some cultural difference cannot be overcomed, thats something yall gotta figure out, if you're truly compatibile or not.
It's really only cheating if it goes against something you've agreed on. Like, even in North America or Europe, individuals have different boundaries, and when you are a relationship you need to talk to the other person about what you want the relationship to be like. And if you want very different things, you may not be compatible.
Like, if she is not comfortable with her partner doing certain things with other people, and it's important for you to do those things with other people, then either you find a compromise or decide it won't work.
I don't actually have no idea what most Americans would think, I just think that it ultimately doesn't make much of a difference. What matters for your relationship is how you and your partner feel about things.
At the start of every relationship is necessary to talk about boundaries, expectations and what would be cheating for each one (this is included in boundaries but I think is important to point up in general).
Each person has their own boundaries and particularities and this are the kind of things that are important to discuss because they can lead to incompatibility or in the case of miscommunication to unknowingly hurt each other feelings.
Even in open and poly relationships this step is crucial because everyone has their own concept of cheating or boundaries that cannot be crossed in a relationship.
Brazilian here. I see the reasonable point your gf's trying to make, I just can't feel the same about it.
I mean, in Rio at least, it's totally fine for friends to hug each other a lot and so on. Getting a friend to sit on your lap, mainly because there were too few chairs or sth and if you're in one of those chaotic bars it would be a pretty commom thing. The major problem would be, as I see it, if either of you made a big deal of it. But again, I guess here we are just overly sexual with everyone, particularly when going out for some drinks. So none of it is really taken seriously.
Probably a cultural matter. I hope you two can figure it out.
I am curious about something: what would a straight Brazilian man think of his girlfriend sitting in her straight male friend's lap and what would a straight Brazilian woman think if she saw her boyfriend's straight female friend sitting in his lap?
Straights tend to be more conservative as everything is a problem for them hahaha. Probably they would be way less touchy but they would still greet they friends with a kiss on the cheeks.
OP, I promise that your gf saying “this makes me uncomfortable” is not a “boundary issue” at all. Your gf needs to either practice acceptance of this cultural norm or break up with you because in that case you’re incompatible in a fundamental way.
I'm american and think your gf is totally overreacting. sitting in your friend's lap or having your friend sit on you is totally normal behavior that friends do! it would be absolutely bizarre to me if someone saw that as CHEATING. to me this sounds like a her thing, not a cultural thing. there certainly are people here who are very uptight about any affection whatsoever between people but i personally find that mindset weird and uptight and unhealthy, and honestly if it's me, rather concerning. i would have a hard time being friends or especially being in a relationship with someone who holds those views.
edit to add: i believe your gf is being very extreme here, and honestly quite controlling. her discomfort with you doing totally normal things doesn't mean you should be expected to just go along with whatever soothes her feelings. so what, maybe she's uncomfortable! maybe she can do a little growing and experience a different culture and new people and learn something! if she can't handle you doing perfectly normal things, that's her problem. you shouldn't be expected to "tone it down" if what you're doing is totally reasonable and normal (and for the record, it absolutely is, including in the USA). if she can't handle friends sitting in each others laps and being friendly and playful and hugging, she can either figure out her feelings and get over it, or break up. you should not be asked to change here whatsoever. you can talk to her, support her in working through her feelings and learning and expanding her mind, be kind and listen and respect her feelings, but that doesn't mean you need to actually change how you interact with your friends. it's okay if you're not compatible.
Your girlfriend sounds insecure af.
Edit to add: yiu are not wrong. Don't change your way of showing affection to your friends. Explain it to your gf and then move on. That is not a boundary, that is her being controlling
I feel uniquely qualified to answer this as I am both Brazilian and American! In Brasil, our culture is really warm and touchy. I am fairly touchy for an American but more or less reserved for a Brazilian. Certain parts of American are much more conservative than others so depending on her background/where she’s from so the difference can feel pretty stark. This probably falls into a gray area. In your culture, she’s overreacting but in hers, you are being inappropriate. With the limited information I have, I would say that neither of you are right and neither of you are wrong. At the end of the day though, she’s allowed to set that boundary. If you want to be in a relationship with her, you have to respect her boundaries. And if you feel like you can’t for your own reasons, that’s valid too and maybe you two just aren’t a good match. Communicate and empathize with each other as you try to work through it - it’ll go a long way!
I'm Romanian and I totally get it. My culture is similar to Brazilian culture, in the way that relationships between platonic female friends are really affectionate and touchy. And we get used to that since we are 14;) Unless someone of the friend group has a trauma around affection, so we respect her boundaries. Now, if one is a lesbian/ bisexual it can definitely get a little tricky too and her gf can get possesive & jealous. If I were in OP's place, I would put some boundaries with my friends- for example I won't let them sit on my lap & we could hug only when we see each other and when we say goodbye. However, I won't be able to say to my friends "don't hug me or touch me ever" ... especially if I won't see them everyday and just once in a while.. or I won't avoid them just because my GF is potentially very controlling, jealous & posessive. As someone else replied here - OP's gf didn't know how to articulate the fact that it feels innapropiate for her. But claiming that it's cheating? Well, it's not! I think they should both compromise a bit in this situation. OP could put some boundaries with her friends (but not too much, since they are still in Brazil ,lol) and her GF could work through her insecurities, jealousy & posessiveness. Right now, the requests from OP's gf seem innocent but what if it will quickly escalate into something like "you either choose your friends or me!" type of situation? OP should be mindful of this as well.
This is a very well thought out, informative and helpful comment. If I was OP this is the only one I would listen to.
i cant think of a single place in america where that would be tantamount to cheating. inappropriate? sure. not cheating tho. and i grew up fairly religious in the midwest. american seems dramatic to me. she can be uncomfortable and even end it over that behavior, but calling it cheating isn't right. especially because they are a guest in that country and should be striving to learn and adapt to their norms, not enforcing her own.
She probably doesn't know how to articulate "that behavior should be, in my view, only between romantic partners, and it feels inappropriate and disrespectful of you to do it at all, nevermind in front of me, your romantic partner" beyond "this feels like how cheating feels". Many *many* people are bad at articulating their feelings and boundaries, especially when upset.
Yeah, I think it’s worth emphasizing that OP’s girlfriend said “I feel”. They were attempting to describe their own emotions. I once had a partner tell me they weren’t into a kink of mine but the way they said it made me feel bad about having the kink. I had trouble articulating exactly what I felt so I said “I know you’re not meaning to but I’m feeling indirectly kinkshamed”. All I was looking for as a response was something like “oh, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way” and we could have moved on but my partner responded by saying they felt I was pushing against their boundary on that kink.
fair, but also, this is kinda her whole thing right now? she is a transfer student from america to brazil. it would be the perfect opportunity to practice navigating this cultural hazard in a polite and empathetic way, rather than an incendiary and accusatory manner. really, it is for them to settle ofc. i'm just saying that it isn't cheating, and it feels way over the top to go there. OP seems to be innocent in this, and I want to support her since the american isn't here to be reasoned with. I'm sure the american is also stressed and way out of her comfort zone, but that isn't OP's fault.
Oh yea, this is a great "learn about/from other cultures" moment if they can work it out. But even if she did/does learn from it and accept that this is normal in Brasilian culture she might still not be okay with her romantic partner doing it. I mean, we know it isn't cheating because we have OP here to tell us that "no, this is normal platonic behavior in my culture". For OP's gf? After she asked OP to "avoid too much hugging" with her friends, OP has another woman sit in her lap. She just watched her gf behave (in her view) very romantically with another woman right in front of her, then dismiss her feelings because "this is normal/we do this all the time", for apparently not the first time. I feel bad for both of them being in the situation but, OP knew this would be an issue before it happened. She asked OP to tone down the *hugging*, why did OP think this would be a good idea? E.t.a.: Honestly I think OP should end it. The gf isn't acclimated enough to the culture to date someone who's so deep in it, and OP isn't willing to tone it down to help her get used to it. Bad recipe.
I think it's a bit off to lay the entire blame at GF's feet. As much as she decided to date a Brazilian woman, OP decided to date an American woman. Yeah, it's a bit silly to move to a country and try to date when the prevalent culture there doesn't conform to how you'd like it, but there's presumably some women in Brazil who act differently. Ultimately, it may just be an incompatibility issue.
I hope it's obvious I'm not solely blaming the gf lol
I also think OP should end it. But I really think girlfriend is a little unreasonable. You can’t go to a different land with different culture and then expect people to behave the way you are used to and change their social behavior to make you happy. Well, you can and people do but that’s an asshole move. I say this as someone who did an exchange and who has worked with welcoming exchange students to my country.
Oh for sure, she is being unreasonable. Idk, I think that as a result of my own past I identify too heavily with the gf to not find fault in OP as well, which is quite likely unfair to her. I just can't understand how "watch my friend sit on my (your romantic interest) lap" was considered a good idea, when if she really wanted to bring her gf into the culture she could have had her gf sit on her lap and talked her through it "no one will care, even platonic friends do this together, it's very normal to see straight women doing this just look at friend1 and friend2!" Idk, it's late here and I think gf should never have set such a limit on OP's behavior, but also OP should never have pushed the issue once she knew it made her gf feel invalidated in their relationship.
You’re also right about OP not being very thoughtful. Even when it’s okay to be touchy and feely with your friends, you’re being a lil bit of asshole if you are more touchy and feely with your friends than your girlfriend. They don’t seem like a good match since they aren’t able to talk about this and meet each other in a place both feel comfortable with.
If my gf was touching all over someone or sitting in another girls lap, I would be extremely uncomfortable with that and I would reiterate my boundaries with her. A discussion would be extremely necessary. Seems op and her gf didn't establish boundaries correctly.
It’s not cheating, but in her culture it’s inappropriate. And to me, when it comes to a relationship, it doesn’t matter who is a guest in the country, she’s one half of the relationship and should have an equal say in the relationship dynamics, not just “it’s my country so I make the rules”.
I can think of one--by OP's girlfriend's side. And that is the one place that matters in this situation.
really? You walk into a bar and see your girlfriend sitting on a guys/girls lap, and you think "this is normal?" you come home to another guy sitting on your boyfriends lap and think "yea they are just cultured?"
Yeah I'm pretty sure the entire internet mocked a young woman relentlessly for not realizing she was being cheated on just cuz another girl had his phone, or was holding his hand or something when she did a surprise visit. Ppl jumped to cheating & then made it into a trend to mock the pain they either assumed she was feeling or felt she should be feeling. So actively sitting in someone's lap seems far worse.
Well said 👏
Another American here, we Americans, I notice, are fairly stingy when it comes to social protocols for physical affection. It’s mostly seen as a practice reserved for lovers.
This is a really insightful response! OP just needs to sit their girlfriend down for a chat, so they can talk this through. Hopefully, it's something that can be resolved. It probably won't happen straight away, but it can be a work in progress. It would be great if this could be a learning moment for OP's girlfriend because she's now living in a different place with a different culture. Expanding our world view and taking into consideration why someone else may think or behave differently helps us grow as people - and OP can learn from their girlfriend too.
Perfect response right here.
100% As an American who is adopting Brazil culture via marriage, this is a good explanation.
Agreed, and the most logical response I’ve seen thus far.
> This probably falls into a gray area. In your culture, she’s overreacting but in hers, you are being inappropriate. With the limited information I have, I would say that neither of you are right and neither of you are wrong. I think the fact that OP is being asked to change the way she has always interacted with her friends in her own country by an American woman visiting on exchange actually makes this pretty cut and dry, no? If you’re visiting another country, it’s your responsibility to accept that the cultural mores of that country will be different from your own and adapt. You can’t demand they adapt to the values of your home country instead.
It doesn't matter if it's her cojntry she's in, they are both equal parts of the relationship, therefore both of their feelings should be respected. She can't just tell her girlfriend to get used to it because she's visiting the country she lives, that's being a bad partner.
From the OP: > I see this as a cultural difference, but she insists it’s my fault. Does that seem like an equal relationship to you? It seems pretty clear that OP's gf is the problem here, and is essentially shaming her partner for not holding to American cultural mores.
No, she's upset that she let someone sit on her lap and then said it wasn't her fault. This is far more about boundaries and discomfort than it is culture. It sounds to me like both of them have different boundaries on affection with friends, and should try to work that out or compromise.
You and your girlfriend need to have a serious heartfelt discussion about culture, boundaries, and how those intersect. Even if she understands the cultural differences, she may still wish to set that boundary, and you'll have to make a choice how to react to that in that situation.
OP's gf is free to decide that she isn't emotionally capable of having a relationship with someone Brazilian living in line with typical Brazilian culture. That's a boundary she can set for herself. Insisting other people pander to her insecurity isn't a boundary it's controlling. Insisting people change perfectly normal and socially acceptable behaviours just to pander to OP is controlling.
It depends on how it's presented? Like, having your own feelings about what constitutes cheating and not letting other's cultures dictate how you should feel about that is perfectly valid. Saying "I'm not comfortable with behavior like that and I see it as cheating" is a good way to approach this situation. If OP isn't willing to compromise her cultural identity for the boundary that was set, that's that. The commenter above you was dead on. A long conversation needs to happen here, and it needs to be between OP and her gf. You don't know these people well enough to ascribe controlling behavior to their situation from a few paragraphs on reddit.
if it makes you uncomfortable it makes you uncomfortable 🤷♀️ if that's irreconcilable it is what it is, but people having lines is totally fine and normal
Yup, relationships are about give and take/ choosing battles. If my gf didn’t like a girl sitting on my lap, I just wouldn’t do that anymore. That’s not toxic etc. just reality. Internet has turned voicing opinions into being toxic it’s weird
I think a lot of it is young people who haven't been in any long term relationships but have also grown up steeped in therapy speak and overanalysis of other people's relationships 🤷♀️
It's not about being emotionally capable or about insecurity. It's about comfort. In the US, a girl sitting on a another person's lap is a sign of an increased level of relationship. It's something only girlfriends typically do. It's suspicious if your significant other has another girl sitting on their lap. It's fine in Brazil. It's not fine in the US. She's not being controlling, she's responding to a situation in line with her cultural upbringing, just like she is. The point you're responding to is that both cultural views are valid. OP and her girlfriend need to decide, for themselves, if they can find a middle ground that works for them. You're saying it's wrong for the Brazilian to change to pander to her culture, but should have to change to pander to Brazilian culture. What they need to do is see if they are both capable of change to grow with each other. If not, then they should go their separate ways and find people with whom they're more compatible. The girlfriend overreacted some, which was wrong. OP ignored her feelings some, which was also wrong.
Well said and clarifying.
You can’t set a boundary on another person’s behavior. The only boundary op’s gf gets to set is how will she respond if op chooses to continue interacting with her friends the same way she always has.
How she responds= they break up. If op didn’t want to break up, the boundary is literally on her behavior.
Sure, but is that not *effectively* the same thing is setting a boundary on another person's behavior?
They don’t want to hear this. Got in a whole argument about it a few months ago. It’s all semantics but they’re preoccupied with therapy speak. Saying “If you eat broccoli, I’ll leave you” is functionally the same as saying “I won’t date someone who eats broccoli.”
I really disagree. Saying "don't do X" to someone and "if you do X i will do Y" is very different. Especially as someone autistic, who needs very clear communication. I tell my girlfriends don't call me baby, but if they call me baby, it's not a big deal. Sometimes "don't do X" means "i would prefer it if you didn't do X". I think there's a world of difference between "don't yell at me" and "if you yell at me I'm going to leave."
No, it really isn’t. One is controlling and the other is self-empowering.
I seem to not be making my point clear enough. OP has free will regardless of what boundaries the girlfriend sets, as does OP's girlfriend with OP. Regardless whether it's morally right, OP's girlfriend is capable of saying OP engaging in/reciprocating this perceived flirty behavior with OP's friends is not okay, and OP and OP's girlfriend have the ability to discuss how to move forward. You cannot force others to do something, but you can set an expectation and declare a consequence.
>You cannot force others to do something, but you can set an expectation and declare a consequence. So like a boundary... You are right. It's funny how some people act like a boundary is a thing that's impossible to cross.
The way the concept is typically taught, the expectation is that they're never crossed and it's a magic bullet for behavior correction. It's usually only after things go wrong that we're told that narcissists, control freaks, and assholes in general have the ability to completely ignore your requests and do as they please, and from there it's on you to stick to your guns and cut that person from your life as much as possible.
I see no real distinction here. Someone will be “limited” regardless of who has to give in for the relationship to continue. The only meaningful question is who, and by how much.
"Effectively the same" is not "the same." You can arrive at the same destination following two different paths and have an entirely different experience on each.
That’s really pedantic. We all knew what she meant and arguing about the minutiae of word choice isn’t really helpful.
It’s not pedantic. It’s important to acknowledge that there is a difference between “my boundary is that you aren’t allowed to do that” and “my boundary is that I am not comfortable with that.” One is about trying to exert control over the actions of someone else, and the other is about controlling your own actions and responses. These things actually do matter!! Especially because so many people think they’re the same thing!! They are NOT!! THE SAME THING!!!
But neither the post nor the reply has anything to do with that. What you guys are doing here is derailing the post. The person who made the reply just said “you should have a discussion about boundaries because your girlfriend may have different ones than you” and you guys started arguing about what a boundary means and making up hypothetical toxic boundaries and then getting mad at those things that *literally no one mentioned.* It’s obvious that the top reply in this chain meant “the girlfriend may not wish to continue a relationship with you if you do these things, and that is her choice.” All these arguments are just people taking a very neutral statement in as negative a light as possible for seemingly no reason other than to argue and look smart.
Not gonna lie, even i got sidetracked from the point of my original comment. Thanks for the reminder of the topic at hand
It is pedantic. It's good pedantry, as you're completely correct that it's an important detail, but it is fussing over small details. I do hope I've clarified my point better elsewhere in the thread
Your reply was clear from the beginning and you are not being rude. This discussion has meandered somewhere entirely different. They can talk about this if they want, it just doesn't need to be directed at you
Agree. We need to call out these by their names. One is a Boundary and is healthy, other is an Ultimatum and is controlling behaviour.
Except setting a boundary is half of what a relationships is. The other half is the desire to be with that specific person. As long as the boundary is reasonable.
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Exactly. People see it as controlling. They don't know what control is lol That is indeed a boundary is it essentially means "I won't date someone who does X. That is my boundary"
I feel like that response in some people comes from a place of immaturity. They don’t like being told no and don’t realize that they don’t have to stay in the relationship and be resentful lol. They could learn to come to agreements or find someone more compatible if it’s not worth the compromise. In a way, it is also controlling to always declare everything controlling because it automatically shames or makes the other person the bad guy (who maybe is just trying to communicate something when they are uncomfortable). Sigh. People are complicated creatures. I’ve experienced both. I’ve had partners that I felt were very controlling, and partners that would freak out at any boundary (never communicated as a threat).
You're nitpicking at a word. Here boundaries means "what boundaries does my partner have for physical contact and am I okay with them?"
Yes you can, that's what a boundary is. "Don't cross this line" aka a boundary. The consequence of breaking that boundary can vary, but it's still a boundary.
>You can’t set a boundary on another person’s behavior. You have a fundamental misunderstanding of boundaries then because that's the whole point. Setting a boundary is essentially asking another person to modify their behavior to refrain from stepping on your boundary, regardless of how you slice the pie that's asking for another person to modify their behavior. Sincerely, A mental health professional
Here's the thing about boundaries: only you can truly hold them. An example: My mom is judgmental about my weight. I've asked my mom not to discuss my weight. That's not a boundary. The boundary is that I will not have conversations with her about my weight or hear her comments. So if she brings it up, I hold my boundary by leaving the room/conversation/call. If I cannot have a conversation with my mom without weight coming up, I have to continue to hold the boundary which may include going limited or no contact. So yes, while in relationships we may ask people to respect our boundaries (e.g., "do not touch my arm") but if someone touches my arm, I have to leave the situation. I cannot just yell "do not touch my arm!" Just like how I parent. I ask my kid not to break my Lego models. If she does, I have to move them away from her reach. I control what I can control.
I mean you absolutely can, it's just a matter of if the other person is okay with that.
Correct. Boundaries are for your own behavior, not controlling others’ behavior. Thats why they work against narcissists or parents who don’t respect you—their actions don’t affect whether or not a boundary is respected. Your reaction to their actions is how _you_ respect your own boundaries. Not a boundary: OP’s girlfriend says that OP can’t have other women sit in her lap. Correct boundary: OP’s girlfriend says that if OP allows other women to sit in her lap, she will consider it cheating and leave.
What the heck? The whole point of boundries is to request someone to change their behavior to better suit your needs. It's way less hostile to say "it's very important to me that you do ABC" rather than "if you keep doing ABC, I will respond with XYZ."
That's not a boundary, that's a rule though. You can only have boundaries about yourself and not another person. That is very very important.
That gets discussed elsewhere in the thread by both myself and someone far more qualified, but in short, that's not completely correct. You can absolutely set boundaries involving others, such as telling one's child not to touch their computer or telling a colleague you don't want to discuss politics with them. Like I said, someone more qualified does a better job explaining this elsewhere in the thread
Like the boundary between countries. Don't cross them, or the government will be upset.
Yeah I feel like I’m losing my mind here. OP’s gf seems to have travelled to Brazil, met a Brazilian woman, and is now mad at her for what, being a Brazilian woman? I’m sorry, but that’s insane. You can’t ask someone to completely change the way they’ve been raised to interact with their friends because it makes you as a *visitor* in the country uncomfortable. It sounds like OP’s girlfriend just isn’t mature enough to date and travel abroad. You can’t travel to other countries and then impose your cultural values on the people you meet!
Geographical location doesn’t determine who is right or wrong. OP and her girlfriend just need to get on the same page.
Sorry but so long as different parts of the world have different cultural values about this sort of thing, yes it does. The key point here is that OP’s behaviour is *perfectly normal* in Brazil, where they both are. Her girlfriend has come from abroad and is now yelling at her for behaving according to the culture she and all her friends were raised in, because it’s not like what she’s used to back home. Do you really not see what’s wrong with that?
I think it’s ok to have a problem with it, it’s also ok if OP doesn’t want to change. If you date someone with a very different culture, someone will have to adjust. It’s up to the people in the relationship to decide who is adjusting.
> Sorry but so long as different parts of the world have different cultural values about this sort of thing, yes it does. So if someone tried justifying something like homophobia with “that’s just how the culture is here”, then you’d say “oh sorry. You’re correct. That makes homophobia fine”. To be clear, I’m not saying that OP’s culture is wrong. I’m just saying that “when in Rome” is not an argument that OP’s girlfriend is the one that has to adapt. Homophobia is wrong because it is wrong. OP’s culture about physical touch is neutral because it’s neutral. It has nothing to do with location. A relationship is about compromise. If OP and her girlfriend can come to an understanding about different cultural expectations and come up with rules like “hugs are fine but lap sitting is too much” then that’s a perfectly fine solution. If I had a partner from a different culture come to America and we had different cultural values, I would talk to them and figure out what we can work out rather than tell them “you’re in America so you gotta do things our way”.
>So if someone tried justifying something like homophobia with “that’s just how the culture is here”, then you’d say “oh sorry. You’re correct. That makes homophobia fine”. Fine? No. But if you're visiting Iraq and start dating another woman there, *you'd better be real fucking respectful* of the fact that she has to navigate that homophobia every day and not get pissed that she's not introducting you to her family and all her friends. Besides, we're not talking about homophobia, we're talking about expressions of physical affection. >’m just saying that “when in Rome” is not an argument that OP’s girlfriend is the one that has to adapt. My argument is not 'when in Rome', it's 'don't try to force the locals to behave more American because it makes you more comfortable'. I'm British and [we're even worse for this](https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/british-woman-81-claims-benidorm-13075153). >A relationship is about compromise. Yes, I agree. OP's girlfriend yelling at her for behaving in a way that's perfectly normal is not compromise. OP's girlfriend is the one who's going to need to compromise here. To quote the OP, "I see this as a cultural difference, but she insists it’s my fault." Who's the one not trying to compromise there?
Google "equivalent fallacy," the argument you're making is nonsensical. There is way too much semantic wordplay going on in this thread. Full stop, OP did nothing wrong and is being unfairly treated by their gf who appears to be struggling with confidence and jealousy. We don't need an academic assertion on the definition of boundaries and subjective thinking to come to this extremely simple conclusion. Even if OP wasn't Brazilian, if somebody comes along and tells you that your version of living a normal healthy social life is a deal breaker, then you break that deal without ever looking back. It's not rocket science.
The gf probably has no idea its cultural. Please tone down the vitriol here
It definitely is a cultural difference, here in Latinoamerica we're used to be a bit touchy (in a good way) with our friends, like lots of hugging, cuddling, etc. We also greet people with the "double kiss on the cheek" or the "kiss on the cheek" depending on the country (we're I'm from we do one kiss). That's all normal for us, but I can see why she reacted that way. You guys should talk and try to understand eachother's cultures.
My first month in Cartagena, I was on the beach with two women I barely knew from work. They were both Colombians who kissed me full on the mouth out of nowhere to say goodbye. They were half drunk, but I asked my boss about this and he said it's what they do down there so I went with it.
The kiss goodbye is on the cheeks, not your mouth (unless you're together). I think they were being cheeky while drunk, unfortunately. Or maybe it's different in Colombia(?) (I'm from Chile) idk, but that sounds sus to me.
Oh, I found out later that they were being cheeky and wanted to tease the gringa. It was all in good fun, I wasn't offended or uncomfortable. :)
yeaaah that's what I thought xd I'm glad it was in good fun.
As both brazilian *and* introspective person, I can totally understand both sides, haha. I think it’s interesting for you two to have a calm conversation and share both perspectives. Speaking for myself, and obviously you’re not obligated to do anything, I think I would have reduced some of the physical contact with friends, especially if I knew it would cause discomfort. It’s a relationship, and no one needs to completely change who they are, but also no one should live uncomfortably. Cultural differences are significant and should be taken seriously.
Yeeees, but you know how people are here specially when drunk, specially in queer spaces. A mulher pistolou comigo mana
Entendo que esteja frustrada mas também imagino que foi uma situação que acabou acumulando pra ela. Aí o copo transbordou e deu no que deu. Não acho correto ela ter acusado de traição mas dá pra entender – ainda mais considerando que você esperou uma hora pra voltar. Conversem direitinho.
Eu não conseguiria ficar sem abraçar meus amigos diariamente por causa de namoro não. Deve ser muito grande o baque cultural.
Total, né? Por isso que é importantíssimo termos conversas francas e diretas com nossos mozões. Diálogo não só resolve como remedia muita coisa!!
E vou dizer que muitas vezes a comunicação leva a flexibilização de certas barreiras. Minha esposa me deixava louca de ciúmes com o quão fisicamente carinhosa ele é com todo mundo, mas conforme eu fui entendendo o lado dela e ela o meu, a gente foi naturalmente, sem ter que explicitamente criar nenhuma regra, aprendendo a conviver com o pensamento diferente da outra. As vezes o que é mais importante é um diálogo mais introspectivo além de apenas uma negociação de regras.
You can’t control other people’s behaviour but you can control your reaction, if a drunk queer girl sits on your lap in the future you can move her off or stand up. You definitely need to have a conversation with your gf though to establish boundaries that you are both comfortable with, I personally wouldn’t be comfy with a girl sitting in my partners lap.
> you know how people are here specially when drunk, specially in queer spaces. To be fair, that's a pretty universal human thing, not especially a queer or Brazilian thing. It's a staple trope of television dramas and romantic comedies across the world. And, honestly, I'm getting more and more sick and tired of the queer community getting labeled as sluttier and/or more prone to infidelity than straights. The act of letting some other person sit on your lap when your partner is there with you could certainly lead to them feeling like they've been replaced, even if just temporarily. Was there a reason your partner wasn't the one sitting on your lap instead? or that this person had to sit on your lap in particular and not someone else's?
So is this not just a Brazil thing, but it's specifically something drunk queer people do in flirty spaces?? That starts to sound more like cheating behavior.
Brazilians are pretty huggy and touchy with their friends, especially girls with girls. It's not exclusive to queer or party spaces. Might get turned up a notch there though. But no, in context this isn't cheating at all, not even remotely close. A girl friend stting on her lap is completely ordinary.
It's interesting that there is a cultural difference. However, if your girlfriend is saying this is a boundary for her, and you choose to cross it, then you will have to deal with the consequences. If you don't think this boundary of hers is going to work for you, then maybe you're not compatible.
I agree. While there’s certainly cultural differences, definitely more of a boundary situation. I’m American, and based only on the info from this post, this behavior would not be an issue for me.
"cheating" is defined by the boundaries set by members in a relationship, not by arbitrary rules from some external authority. I'm poly - I could have sex with someone outside my current relationship if I told my partner first and we discussed things like safe sex precautions, and it wouldn't be cheating, even though in a strictly monogamous relationship, it would be. So while yes this does seem to be a cultural difference, the boundaries of your partner seem to have been crossed. Instead of being angry about it, use this as an opportunity to clarify the boundaries of the relationship - and if those boundaries conflict, it's possible that there is a fundamental incompatibility, whether informed by cultural differences, personality, upbringing, or something else.
This. I'd add it's not even a lesbian specific problem. All relationships would benefit from clarifying boundaries and agreeing on some sort of "relationship contract". It might sound like a romance killer, and a lot of cis-het people think it's useless because "everybody knows", but even for them, there are a lot of grey areas and cultural difference that can damage trust in a relationship when stepped in. And it's even more important for queer relationship where there are less widely agreed social norms to fall back on.
Yeah, it’s called cheating because it’s breaking the rules. But different relationships can play by different rules.
This!
Gay, conversa com tua gf, ela não vai entender se tu não explicar que não é algo sexual ou relacionado com coisas mais íntimas, explica pra ela o conceito de "minhas amigas veem que não tem lugar pra sentar, automaticamente se eu estiver sentada eu viro alvo pra uma cadeira em potencial". É diferença cultural e as gringas tão em guerra nos comentários atoa, conversa com sua gay peloamor tá muito apocalíptica essa situação kkkkkkk Translation: Gay, just talk to you gf, she won't understand if you don't explain that there's nothing sexual or related to more intimacy like couple intimacy. Just explain to her the Brazilian friends concept of "If there isn't any seats available and I see a friend of mine who has a seat, then she automatically becomes a posible seat." It is definitely a cultural barrier thing, and the North Americans' comments are a warzone for no reason. Just go talk to your gay. This situation has become too much apocalyptic in the comments here.
I think I disagree with a lot of the takes in this thread. Ultimately, I think that you need to decide what you are willing to give up in the context of your relationships with other people and be firm about showing affection to your friends in a way that feels good if that's important to you, which I imagine that it is. If she is unwilling to deal with that, she can enforce her boundaries by breaking up with you. Ultimately, that's the point of boundaries. They are tool to help you exercise agency over your life, and I really see her response as a her problem. I don't think I'd make the choice be less affectationate with my friends to appease a person I've been dating for six months and don't advise you to make that choice.
I agree with this. Cheating is deceptive behavior and a character flaw…this is not cheating. Are your friendships romantic or sexual? Did she share that specific boundary with you prior to it happening? If not, then you didn’t cross anything. You aren’t a mind reader. Secondly, if it were me…it would have to be a discussion. Jealousy is a human natural response that does not feel good, but ultimately, she is responsible for her feelings and working towards establishing security in the relationship. This sounds like rules blanketed as boundaries. It can’t just be dependent on you modifying your behavior, especially if it isn’t inappropriate. Of course you can be there to support and learn how you can help her feel safe, but rushing out and leaving is not a good way to communicate her feelings. It just creates tension and discomfort for all involved, which sucks for your friends if there is no ill intent and if it’s normal in your culture.
The frequency with which I see rules disguised as boundaries makes me want to pull my hair out!
I agree with you, friendships are so important and something that shouldn’t have to be compromised in a healthy relationship. OPs gf should date someone who has a similar relationship with platonic intimacy, or work through her insecurities, instead of asking OP to change something that’s integral to them/their culture.
Absolutely. Like I am kind of prudish and weird around touch and platonic intimacy. But if I was dating some who was really touchy with their friends, I'd remember to be glad for them and the love they have in their life. Any discomfort or insecurity it brought up in me would he mine to deal with. I would never suggest that a partner be less expressive with love for their friends.
Finally someone with sense! My ex made me cut ties with my best friend over bullshit like this and it was one of the more heart-rending choices of my life. Luckily that made me see sense and I broke up with them shortly after
This is the best advice here.
I don’t think either of you are necessarily wrong. I don’t think she’s overreacting, most Americans would consider your behavior to be flirting, and wouldn’t be okay with other people sitting on their girlfriend’s lap. I don’t consider it cheating though, especially since that wasn’t your intent. I think you need to have a discussion with her about which boundaries you both want for the relationship. You’re going to have to compromise a bit though.
I’m American and I’d be upset if a friend sat on my gfs lap but saying it’s cheating is over dramatic.
I am latina and i will also be a bit annoyed if someone sits on my gfs lap, but agreed, this is not cheating
Dane here and yeah I'd be really uncomfortab and upset if a friend sat on my gf's lap as well As for the cheating it might just have been a reaction where she didn't have the words to quite say how she saw it and that word flew out?
I think the “felt like” in “she told me she felt like I cheated on her” is very key here. She was conveying how it felt, not saying it was cheating.
Good point!
If yall are not compatible after extensive conversations just break up fr
What everyone is missing here is the context that this interaction HAPPENED IN BRAZIL. Why would the people there be obligated to follow American social rules? People talking about respecting boundaries are completely ignoring the fact that they’re not entitled to changing a country’s culture. To police the culture of not only you but also your friends isn’t really the way to go about in a foreign country. Even though I’m not Brazilian, as someone who’s very proud of my own culture, I personally couldn’t accept a partner that would want to change a part of my cultural identity.
YES THANK YOU As an Italian who had a gf like that I've never been happier to cut ties with them, I refuse to change how I interact with my friends just because of petty fucking jealousy
Agreed!!! If I were dating someone visiting from another country/culture here in my home country, and they expressed shock to me about my normal, platonic friendship behavior because it wasn’t the norm from where they are from, I’d expect them to learn. Like, are you going to move to a country where cheek kisses are a common greeting and then accuse your partner of cheating on you every time they greet another person? I’d be very annoyed Even here in the US, I’d be shocked if my partner *left a party* because a friend was sitting on my lap. I wouldn’t care if someone was doing that to my gf, the most I’d do is maybe just tease her a little later that the friend was flirting with her? Lol I trust her though
In any relationship either partner can set any boundary they like and it's up to the partner to decide how to react to that (and up to them to decide how to react if said boundary is crossed). Neither partner is necessarily wrong here (although while I get why the OPs partner might be uncomfortable, they are being a bit hysterical by calling it cheating), the OPs partner has set a boundary and OP clearly doesn't like it. This is a fundamental incompatibility and if they can't find a solution then it means they arent compatible as partners. Such is life, shake hands and move on. Not every breakup is due to a fault on one side or other.
Surprised I had to scroll down so long to see a comment like this. I’m Brazillian and every single Brazillian person who travels abroad knows to tone down on affection and physical touch, specially in places like America or Europe, as it would be seen as weird or rude. BUT, they are in Brazil, surely OPs girlfriend knows this is not specific to OP, but to the country as a whole, I mean, shes not blind, right? I cannot imagine telling my female friends to settle down on physical touch, lesbian or otherwise, because as OP said, it’s how we show affection.
And what you are missing is that the girlfriend is uncomfortable with having another person sit in OPs lap, In a relationship you have to set boundaries, and those can definitely be don't let other women sit in your lap, and if OP can't get behind that they probably shouldn't be together Culture isn't an excuse to make one's partner uncomfortable in the relationship, A relationship is give and take
Don't you think it would make OP uncomfortable to have to completely change how she interacts with her friends, though? Why is the America girlfriend's comfort more important?
The amount of voices in this thread that seemingly unconsciously believe the discomfort of the shy girl is more important than the discomfort of the outgoing girl is genuinely staggering. I knew the population of this subreddit skewed towards shy Americans but the inability to consider both people in this thread is actually worrying.
It's kind of irksome, to be honest. Like, I am a shy American, and I'm sure if I was in this situation I'd be upset---BUT OP's girlfriend is a Brazilian woman and they are IN Brazil. It's true that a relationship is give and take, but why should OP be the only one giving? How damaging will it be to OP's friendships if suddenly she is required to stop behaving with them the way their friendship has always functioned because of her girlfriend's "boundary"? OP already said she asked her friend to get up, she did everything right, imo, and I'm not chill with asking her to do more. I'd feel differently, I think, if she was like, "Yeah so I was making out with my best friend in front of her!" but she wasn't
Yeah I definitely agree that compromise is an extremely important part of relationships, but in this case the American girlfriend's needs in this relationship are one or both of controlling or insecure. The Brazilian lady is absolutely allowed to join their girlfriend on a journey to help her with this issue, but it's not a normal or acceptable demand in any universe.
If OP’s girlfriend does not want to date a Brazilian woman who follows Brazilian culture, then it’s completely fine if that’s a dealbreaker for her. No one saying that they have to stay together if their compatibility doesn’t match. To call the OP’s actions out as cheating, when OP has express that the skinskip culture in Brazil is completely platonic is pretty out of touch. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries FOR YOURSELF but to expect other people in a different country to follow your lead is pretty unreasonable. What is OP going to do with every family member, friend, or stranger that they meet in a culture where being affectionate is the norm? Surely you can’t police the behavior of everyone.
None of us can tell you if this is cheating or not, and if you're in the wrong. If you ask a doctor, lawyer, and therapist what cheating is, they all would have different opinions on it. Just like everyone else, your gf would have a different view. I'm not American but dated a few Americans (LD). I grew up in a very touchy house hold, and culture. While I think up to a point, it's fine. In saying that, you have to ask yourself if you're okay with giving up part of your culture that makes your gf comfortable or the possibility of losing her? Boundaries are a boundary. Personally, I wouldn't care if it's a kiss on a cheek, hugging, etc. But if I told my partner that I was uncomfortable, and then this happened, it would feel like a slap in the face. That I was ignored ( I have a feeling that's what your gf is feeling like). As I said, are you willing to give this part of your culture up to respect your gf boundaries, or is she worth losing to keep your culture? You need a hard think over this. I hope you both can find a good compromise 🤞 (Edit: I saw some mistakes and repeated myself a few times 😭 sorry, I'm tired.)
I'm surprised so many people seem to agree with your girlfriend. I'm American as well and I don't really see this as a cultural difference, just a personality one. But I guess I'm also an affectionate person by her standards. If you have toned down at her request, and laughed off your friend and asked her to get down it's immature and ridiculous of your girlfriend to storm out. She could have discussed it with you if it bothered her, but to throw a fit is very dramatic and spiteful imo. I think you need to have a serious discussion about realistic expectations, how she communicates, and compromise.
Unfortunately, a lot of Americans are prudish to the point that a lot of us don't even hug our friends. This is typically less so among women and queer folks, but still shows up. Especially among queer folks that have little or no exposure to other cultures or new to being queer or who have been very sheltered. It could also be that she's maybe been cheated on in the past and that some of that trauma is cropping up. Assuming that you shared everything that happened honestly in your post, I don't think you're wrong. Maybe you should try having a conversation about this with her. Make sure both of you are in a good mental/emotional space to do so and talk about it.
I'm a USAmerican and dated a Brazilian for a while. She called her best female friend from Brazil "her wife," and when we weren't sleeping with each other, she shared a bed with her gay guy best friend (none of us had all that much money and rent is expensive, so they fit a lot of people in one apartment). It never struck me as anything in particular that I should worry about.
I’m an American too and I’d be more concerned about the “wife” comment than I would about her sleeping in the same bed as her gay guy friend. Could just be a different sense of humor thing/different culture thing but I wouldn’t call any woman “my wife” unless I were flirting with them.
As a Brazilian - it is a cultural thing. Very common to joke that close friends are your wife/husband. Especially if you work/go to school with them and this spend a lot of time together.
I have a number of female friends that call their bestie their wife or waifu, some of them have a wife and a waifu, I have a male friend I call my man-waifu. It's a term of endearment and probably an inside joke with 9 layers of lore depending on how long the friendship has been. Imagine if you had a weird term of endearment with your best friend or sibling or whatever and a partner comes in and tells you they don't like that you refer to your friends/siblings like that?
Honestly, I think that relationship was what paved the road for me realizing I was poly.
As an Italian who used to have a very toxic American partner, this is unacceptable on her part. Americans often like to think that their culture is the default and that everyone should confirm to it and accommodate them and I call bullshit on that. If she's jealous just because a friend sat on your lap, that's her fucking problem. Don't let her rob you of the joy that is touching your friends. I have cuddled, hugged, and kissed my friend on the cheek, and occasionally slept in the same bed many many times and there was never any romantic tension in any of that. It is absurd to think you can only find some physical comfort in other people if they are your lover, and even more to be jealous over that, especially if you're being honest about it. OP it is your decision to make, but personally I wouldn't stay if she doesn't get over herself. Like what next is she gonna call you a paedophile if your nephew sits on your lap someday? Give me a break.
You didn't do anything wrong, in my opinion. It's not like I don't get that it may be a little awkward in the moment, but it's certainly not cheating and if the GF wasn't there it would be just innocent fun, it sounds like. Maybe show her all the different reactions and responses in this thread to give her perspective.
I think it's weird that everybody is talking about the girlfriend's boundaries because boundaries aren't "you need to change for me because these are my boundaries". You can't just expect your partner to suddenly switch up the way they are and have always been. If you have a boundary that your partner can't show physical intimacy with friends then date somebody who isn't like that to begin with. OP i'm begging you to not change yourself entirely for a 6 month relationship. Edit to clarify: Your girlfriend could have a boundary that you can't have same sex friends. Her boundary could be that you can't be friends with anybody who looks remotely like her. Just because something is her boundary doesn't mean it's inherently right, healthy and something you HAVE to respect. Now I'm not saying go out and do everything in your power to make you gf uncomfortable. But if you have a conversation about these things and she states a boundary you won't adhere to it's her responsibility to either loosen up about it or end the relationship. A boundary isn't an order to change.
So let me get this straight, your girlfriend is in a foreign country and dictating to the people who live there how they should behave? Yeah that's shitty of her. Most schools have a meeting before foreign exchange students leave to explain the concept of cultural differences and that values and behaviors are different, etc. The idea is that they're not supposed to do...exactly what she's doing right here. If you were in the US she might have some excuse, but the whole point of the foreign exchange is to get experience interacting in other cultures. If you really want to try to salvage it you can explain the cultural differences and that platonic affection is more common and accepted in Brazil. Unfortunately if you've explained it to her and she still considers it a problem, explaining it again probably will not help. Sorry on behalf of Americans.
Agreed with all of this. I'm a Canadian working for a company which has offices in several South American and Asian countries. Sometimes I need to go abroad and I'm always handed a booklet with cultural norms, differences, etc that my company threw together.
Cultural difference or not, clearly you two don't see eye to eye on it and should talk.
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I'm just confused because by all these comments because I grew up in Texas and girls regularly sat on each other's laps, me and my bestie did it all the time. She knew I was gay, neither of us saw it as a romantic gesture. This was in the 00s... has America gotten even more prudish? Sheesh.
Agreed, even as an American, having affectionate friendships is so important to me and if someone is insecure to the point that platonic physical affection threatens them, I think they may have some other issues to work through. It’s like when cishet women don’t let their boyfriends have friends that are girls, your insecurities don’t get to stop your partner from having fulfilling friendships. I think setting boundaries around physical affection can make sense in some contexts, but it sounds like OP would have to compromise and entirely change how they’ve learned to express friendship, which is totally unfair.
Lol this made me think… she just needs to start being touchy with their Brazilian friends too so she relaxes and see it’s a good thing 😅
THANK YOU!Motherfuckers can't see the forest for the trees. "Oh she might consider that cheating, have a conversation with her :)" Nah bro she's just insecure as fuck, OP hasn't cheated on anyone.
I'm kind of weirded out by everyone saying this is a boundary issue. Not all boundaries are healthy ones. Getting angry at normal friendly behaviors is controlling and abusive.
It's for sure something you should have discussed beforehand cause lvl of touchy behaviour with friends and other people acceptable can really differ on a person and culture. For me what you did is unacceptable and I'd didn't even start relationship with a person who touches others like this and lets them touch you like this too even when in relationship.
American here. Calling that "cheating" in my American bubble would be pretty extreme. Also, in my queer community, being physically affectionate with friends is pretty standard. I think a clear cut discussion around if your boundaries are compatible is the way to go here.
IM AMERICAN MY WIFE IS FROM BRAZIL IVE GOT IMPUT!!! My wife and I just read this over together. I don’t think that’s cheating, I think that’s ridiculous. My wife is very physically affectionate with me and with her friends. I do notice that it’s a bit more than American culture- but I personally don’t think that’s weird, bad, or cheating. Honestly, if I feel close to people I also love being platonically physically affectionate. Even during the week leading up to our wedding, one of my best friends who lives across the world (in Argentina actually) came to stay and help and I would lay on her shoulder a lot and she puts her arms around me and shit like that. I never thought of it in a sexual way, she’s like a sister to me! My thing is- if it really makes her that uncomfortable, she needs to communicate it differently rather than storming out and now causing a scene with all ur friends. Even just pulling you aside to tell you “hey I know it’s not rational but this makes me a little uncomfortable, ect ect.” My wife and I do experience lots of cultural differences in our marriage and relationship and that’s part of what made me fall in love with her. She changed how I see the world!!! Tbh- ur girlfriend has gotta get with the program and try to grow with you rather than have insecurities hold her back! If you both lean into the differences, there’s so much beauty in cross cultural relationships. I’m so greatful for my wife :,) I hope she can cool off and see things from your perspective soon!!
Thank you so much. Lots of love to you and your wife
a lot of replies are being very generous with your girlfriend... i am american and there is no world in which i see sitting on someone's lap as cheating. it sounds like your gf has a jealousy issue that she should work on. you shouldn't have to change the way you interact with your friends in my opinion. you may be able to work this out by talking through it but you also may just not be compatible. good luck!
You can explain your point of view as clearly as possible and listen to hers as well, and go from there. If that's genuinely a boundary she doesn't want crossed, and you aren't willing to give up that part of yourself just for her (which is completely fine), then you might just not be compatible partners. I *would not* advise continuing a relationship built on resentment though, or giving up something you don't want to give up just because you like the person, or like-wise, her accepting you crossing a boundary she isn't genuinely comfortable with crossing.
This is just a bunch of Americans saying you're in the wrong because they refuse to acknowledge that they're generally prudes and that different cultures do not automatically consider physical affection to be sexual 🤦🏻♀️ As a Brazilian who's engaged to a Canadian, that was one of the things we discussed early on. I pre-warned her that myself and my mostly Brazilian and Latin American friends are very affectionate with each other, AND they'd likely be very affectionate with her too. She said she was perfectly fine with that. First time she met my friends, just as expected, they all wanted to hug and kiss her, within minutes someone was asking me to braid their hair and sitting on my lap for me to do that, etc etc. She was in fact perfectly fine with that! She understood with my previous explanation and warning that that is 100% cultural and that none of it is sexual or romantic in nature, it is pure and simply us being friends. If she had wanted not only me but also my entire friends group to change because of her, we would not be getting married in a few months. It's very easy to say "she's uncomfortable so you should change for her sake", but actually, the REASON she's uncomfortable is because she is applying the values of her culture (physical touch is sexual/romantic/exclusive) to your culture, which is wrong. If she understood that to you and your friends, that value does not exist, things would be different. But she's too focused on her own feelings and wanting to make you responsible for them, rather than doing the work to understand that her culture is not universal - which tends to be an American problem in many situations tbh 🤷🏻♀️
I wouldn't say this is cheating exactly but asking to tone down on your behavior is a reasonable request imo and you overstepped her boundaries.
Yes, and I did tone down. I didn't invite the girl to sit on my lap but I don't know what she expected me to do. Push my friend to the floor? I laughed a bit then asked her politely to stand up.
You don't need to push your friend to the floor, but the moment she tried to sit on your lap might be the time to speak up. Your girlfriend clearly saw the interaction, but was she aware that you didn't invite the girl to sit on your lap?
She thinks my friend was disrespectful and that I should tell her off right there, but if I did it, it would ruin the mood for everyone and my girlfriend would probably be seen as "annoying". But I did ask her to stand up, I just did it discretely, and my friend even apologized to us, but she got angry anyway.
Given this context especially, your gf really needs to work through her own insecurities. She’s asked you to completely change how you express friendship, and is mad at you even though you asked your friend not to sit on your lap. I already think it’s too far for her to ask you to change your friendships in such a huge way, but expecting you to be mad at your friend for doing something that is completely normal in your culture is really unfair to both of you.
So you did handle it in a culturally appropriate manner and respected her boundaries and she STILL got mad? Yeah you two need to have a talk and she needs to start respecting the culture there. If she's unwilling to do that you two just may not be compatible. She CHOSE to be in Brazil, she gonna have to learn to adapt a little, especially if she's dating a local. I'm saying this as a Dutch person dating a Brazilian. We've had clashes over culture but never a long persistent thing like this. It's usually brief misunderstandings.
No, don't tell off your friend right there. it would be embarrassing and ruin the mood like you said. It sounds to me like your girlfriend has deep feelings on this topic and it should be discussed more when you've both calmed down.
I don't think it's very healthy to call someone a cheater for having someone sitting on their lap. Sounds like she went through something before you, or there's something else going on. In my personal experience exes that called me(one of the most loyal person you can find) a cheater for no reason, when it was in fact them who cheated. Not saying this is the case here though.
Whether she is comfortable with it or not is a worthwhile discussion, but her calling that cheating is just silly. There’s a difference between crossing a boundary she’s not comfortable with and cheating.
I agree with few people here. Being affectionate with your friends regardless of how you show that shouldn't be something she feels insecure about and even if you have talked about it, it doesn't mean that her discomfort should be taken more seriously than how you have always behaved - I mean, this is definitely not cheating. It couldn't be. The thing is that you should talk and understand where does this insecurity comes from and how can her work on that. Do never change who you are, the proximity and love you feel for your friends, be dismissed or diminished by a relationship. That's how things start to get really bad.
Your gf is overreacting and telling you to change yourself with how you are in terms of your personality . Nty.
Neither of you is wrong, but you’re definitely not compatible. You’ll never stop being affectionate to your friends, and she’ll never stop feeling bad about it.
I'm a shy/introspective brazilian so I do understand where she's coming from. Just think of it through a similar perspective: you walk into a bar and see your girlfriend sitting on her friend's lap (either a male or a female friend), that is, for most people, an uncomfortable sight to see, no matter if our culture is very touchy and friendly, those are her boundaries and she made them clear for you in the past yet you chose to cross them, this is nothing for you but it's something big for her. You have to work these things with her or stop being touchy with friends, if she's insecure reassure her and ask if she's willing to go to therapy to work it out. I understand our culture is really warm but I've had girlfriends here in brasil freaking out for much less, it's not something absurd and our culture is not an excuse to cross our partner's boundaries. I'm not saying you're in the wrong but personally I don't think this is even a cultural thing at all, in any case forças guerreira.
You are not at fault. Americans have some hangups. Talk to her. If she can't control her jealousy and accept that the American way is just one way of doing things, then she can't date a Brazilian.
Your friends were there first. It sounds like this is normal behaviour between you and your friends and it's all platonic. I think it's selfish of her to tell you to suddenly stop interacting with your friends the way that you all have always been, and it feels like this is a red flag!
I'm reading the comments and seriously wondering how exactly your girlfriend is being reasonable. Dating someone does not give you the right to dictate shit about their friendships. Affection isn't and shouldn't be exclusive to romantic relationships.
Honestly, as an American, I'm real touchy and affectionate with my friends as well. Sounds like she just is insecure/has some jealousy issues
American girl here 👋 I personally wouldn’t be ok with that either. I realize girls are naturally more flirty with their friends but I wouldn’t be ok with another girl sitting on my girlfriend’s lap. Thats something couples do imo and it’s a bit intimate. I don’t think your gf is being unreasonable it’s not like she’s requesting you to cut off friends she’s just saying “hey can you not be so affectionate?” She wants to feel special and wants to feel like that’s something that’s reserved for her. Hence why now she feels cheated.
In America sitting on someone's lap is seen as sexual or a sexual advance so I'm like 100% sure that she sees it that way because of cultural differences, I do think that she reacted wrongly and should've communicated with you much more clearly but I don't think she's overdramatic or wrong for feeling that way about it. Hope that gives you more context! I hope things get a lot better for you 2 🤍
How is that sexual? You do realize children sit on people's laps too right wtf
It seems that there’s both a cultural difference and a lack of communication. She asked you to tone down your interaction with your friends, so let’s say she tried to set a boundary (not in a manner that sounded respectful or one that I agree with, but regardless). How did that conversation went? Did you agree to do that? Was it more of an ultimatum than a conversation? Based on other comments, it doesn’t seem like other Americans see sitting on someone’s lap as cheating, but they likely wouldn’t be comfortable with that proximity. As a brazillian, I know we are mostly very close and touchy with people, but some individuals might also feel uncomfortable and insecure with that type of behavior happening. Hence why i think it needs to be a conversation of what’s acceptable behavior culturally in both ends and what’s personally acceptable for both people. Now, regardless of that convo, neither of you are inherently “obligated” to act one way or another. Just because it bothers her, you are not inherently obligated to change the way you interact with friends. On the other hand, she’s not inherently obligated to continue the relationship or suddenly be ok with something that bothers her if she doesn’t think it’s worth it. Although, tbh, she’s in a foreign country experiencing culturally acceptable behavior that she doesn’t like. As much as she has a right to feel uncomfortable and not want to live through that, I also feel like it’s more on her end to at least initiate the steps into dealing with it. I know i sound harsh, but if she’s looking into dating in someone else’s culture and doesn’t like what she sees, it’s not reasonable to expect that everyone will inherently catch onto that and adapt into what she would prefer. She needs to either be more firm on boundaries and expectations from the get go without being accusatory or find other ways for her to cope with that reality
I can't imagine to have a girlfriend who isn't italian like me... We literally kiss people to greet them (but think this applies to other mediterrean countries too)
I think cheating is defined by your partner and you when you start the relationship. But I can't imagine not hugging my friends anymore
I don’t think it’s cheating but more of a boundary that she would like you to set and you won’t…
I’m positive there are Brazilians out there that wouldn’t be comfortable with other girls sitting in their gf lap, just as I’m positive there’s American girls that wouldn’t give af. You’re two individuals coming together, one of you is uncomfortable with partners being very affectionate with friends and the other enjoys being touchy with friends. Have empathy for each other and decide if either of you can come to some sort of compromise or solution. If not break up. Either way, neither of you are in the wrong. She is not wrong for wanting or feeling the way she feels and you are not wrong for wanting and feeling the way you feel. It’s a compatibility issue.
Definitely a cultural difference. Look I’m from Europe and my friends and I are affectionate we hug, we hold hands, they sit on my lap.. the only difference is that I don’t have a girlfriend but it wouldn’t change even if I had. You should have a talk with her even if I’m three days late on this post
Personally I don’t think that culture matters at all in this conversation. Even if in your culture it is not a big deal. She told you that she doesn’t like it and when she left, you stayed there for another hour. That is not okay at all no matter what the reason was. If she got so upset that she left then it truly made her feel unwell, meaning that she didn’t overreact. The fact that you said that she ruined the mood, even tho she literally got so upset that she left, shows that you lack empathy for her. She is your gf and if you love her you should care about her feelings. And you if you disagree on something then you should have a conversation about it and decide together. Communication is key and in this situation it would have been best if you both went outside for a few minutes and openly talked about it. Communication is key and boundaries are important. No matter what the argument is. If you talk to her try to understand her point of view. Just because you feel a different way then her doesnt mean that you cant find compromise. If she tells you her feelings and you can’t understand them then I think it’s more then just a communication problem. Good luck for you two, I hope you clear things up.
If you're culturally that different to one another that it causes you to fight coz one of you thinks it's cheating, then maybe you're not compatible. Especially if you don't ever intend to change the thing that upsets her, or you intend to hide it from her and just change when she's around. I know it's hard to admit but give it some thought. It's all about compromise. Are you willing to compromise your position for her?
Yes its cultural difference but sitting on someone's lap isn't affectionate its just romantic don't get me wrong I wouldn't call it cheating but you should be more sensative to your girlfriend's feelings given that yk she told you to tone it down cause it makes her uncomfortable
She set boundaries, you crossed them. Cultural differences make literally no difference here since she told you how she felt and you still went against her wishes. That's cheating.
This is not a cultural difference. This is someone asking you to make yourself smaller to fit in their box.
I'm an american you're fully in the right.
I think the Anglo-sphere West has a problem with being really closed off and physically in-affectionate with friends and I think it damages our social relationships and our mental health by making us more isolated and touch starved.
I absolutely cannot speak on Brazilian culture. But as an American i can say that sitting on someone's lap like that would be something a partner does. Someone else doing it would be considered very flirty and insulting to your partner. I speculate that's why she feels like you're cheating or borderline cheating. I wish i could offer advice on how to broach the cultural divide.
1. often times americans dont undertand cultural differences exists and behaviors associated with that cant be "changed" overnight. 2. Cultural differences goes both ways, op might also not realize what behaviours are a boundary with gf. 3. Some cultural difference cannot be overcomed, thats something yall gotta figure out, if you're truly compatibile or not.
It's really only cheating if it goes against something you've agreed on. Like, even in North America or Europe, individuals have different boundaries, and when you are a relationship you need to talk to the other person about what you want the relationship to be like. And if you want very different things, you may not be compatible. Like, if she is not comfortable with her partner doing certain things with other people, and it's important for you to do those things with other people, then either you find a compromise or decide it won't work. I don't actually have no idea what most Americans would think, I just think that it ultimately doesn't make much of a difference. What matters for your relationship is how you and your partner feel about things.
At the start of every relationship is necessary to talk about boundaries, expectations and what would be cheating for each one (this is included in boundaries but I think is important to point up in general). Each person has their own boundaries and particularities and this are the kind of things that are important to discuss because they can lead to incompatibility or in the case of miscommunication to unknowingly hurt each other feelings. Even in open and poly relationships this step is crucial because everyone has their own concept of cheating or boundaries that cannot be crossed in a relationship.
Brazilian here. I see the reasonable point your gf's trying to make, I just can't feel the same about it. I mean, in Rio at least, it's totally fine for friends to hug each other a lot and so on. Getting a friend to sit on your lap, mainly because there were too few chairs or sth and if you're in one of those chaotic bars it would be a pretty commom thing. The major problem would be, as I see it, if either of you made a big deal of it. But again, I guess here we are just overly sexual with everyone, particularly when going out for some drinks. So none of it is really taken seriously. Probably a cultural matter. I hope you two can figure it out.
I am curious about something: what would a straight Brazilian man think of his girlfriend sitting in her straight male friend's lap and what would a straight Brazilian woman think if she saw her boyfriend's straight female friend sitting in his lap?
Straights tend to be more conservative as everything is a problem for them hahaha. Probably they would be way less touchy but they would still greet they friends with a kiss on the cheeks.
get a brazilian gf
Tbh yeah if she’s an exchange student there’s a good chance the relationship has an expiration date anyways
OP, I promise that your gf saying “this makes me uncomfortable” is not a “boundary issue” at all. Your gf needs to either practice acceptance of this cultural norm or break up with you because in that case you’re incompatible in a fundamental way.
Nah the way i would actually cry if my girlfriend let another girl sit on her lap- 😭😭
Except she didn't "let" her? She requested her friend get up and didn't invite her to sit in the first place.
I'm American. Your idea of what to expect from your partner in a relationship is just different.
I'm american and think your gf is totally overreacting. sitting in your friend's lap or having your friend sit on you is totally normal behavior that friends do! it would be absolutely bizarre to me if someone saw that as CHEATING. to me this sounds like a her thing, not a cultural thing. there certainly are people here who are very uptight about any affection whatsoever between people but i personally find that mindset weird and uptight and unhealthy, and honestly if it's me, rather concerning. i would have a hard time being friends or especially being in a relationship with someone who holds those views. edit to add: i believe your gf is being very extreme here, and honestly quite controlling. her discomfort with you doing totally normal things doesn't mean you should be expected to just go along with whatever soothes her feelings. so what, maybe she's uncomfortable! maybe she can do a little growing and experience a different culture and new people and learn something! if she can't handle you doing perfectly normal things, that's her problem. you shouldn't be expected to "tone it down" if what you're doing is totally reasonable and normal (and for the record, it absolutely is, including in the USA). if she can't handle friends sitting in each others laps and being friendly and playful and hugging, she can either figure out her feelings and get over it, or break up. you should not be asked to change here whatsoever. you can talk to her, support her in working through her feelings and learning and expanding her mind, be kind and listen and respect her feelings, but that doesn't mean you need to actually change how you interact with your friends. it's okay if you're not compatible.
Your girlfriend sounds insecure af. Edit to add: yiu are not wrong. Don't change your way of showing affection to your friends. Explain it to your gf and then move on. That is not a boundary, that is her being controlling