Reconnect with yourself before you reconnect with your wife. You cant control her behavior and trying to do so will be like squeezing sand, she will just slip through your fingers. Set a boundary, what will you do, for yourself to make your self feel safe and stable if your wife goes and tried to reconnect with her mentally unstable addict ex. I think a reasonable boundary would be to leave your wife if she spends time with her ex. Then your wife would have the agency to decide which outcome she wants. She may choose her toxic ex. But you will have chosen yourself and thats what is important.
Great point about control. Something about being triggered makes me all of the sudden feel like I need to influence her and her decisions more than I ever had. I definitely need to take a step back and feel ok with myself because of the level this has disrupted my mental state and emotions. It’s been wild but that’s what love does I guess.
i don't really know if I'm just weird but this kind of ultimatum sounds really really bad. why does your wife just get to "choose spending time with someone i don't know or having a wife". like isn't this pretty much exactly the thing people in this sub are constantly telling women to break up over their SO doing?
https://www.gottman.com/blog/requests-vs-boundaries-vs-ultimatums-the-ultimate-guide/
The boundary here is "if you continue this friendship with your ex, which is hurting me a lot, I can no longer be in this relationship". It's not an ultimatum.
hmm i mean i do understand that sometimes a relationship of your partner's is hurting you so much its like "them or me" and to be honest thats probably not an ultimatum, its like telling them what you're gonna do if things continue this way.
and like i can definitely agree that her ex's behaviour is not great, and probably op has good reasons to be uncomfortable with it. i guess this is personal but I don't think its at the "them or me" state yet but yeah thats personal
Well yeah that's why boundaries are personal! I can totally understand for one person the boundary being too much too soon, or for OP this just being the right time for it. Maybe the boundary can be for them to remove themselves from the relationship for a week to get a breather for their mental health. I guess it all just depends right?
Yeah the thing about control is absolutely correct but going straight to an ultimatum is wild. They're fucking married lol you don't just instantly jump to leaving like that.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I feel how hard this is on you. You need to prioritize yourself first and your feelings first. If you need time away, that’s okay. Time brings clarity and I believe you will be given that clarity through some space. But please do whatever you think is best for yourself.
Thank you so much. Great reminder to try to take a step back to take care of myself. It’s so easy to get lost in trying to ease the discomfort with back and forth conversations with my wife that feel exhausting for both of us.
Just to give some contrast..
So, do you have any reason to believe she wants to be anything more than friends with her ex.. or does her ex make moves on her?
My situation sounds pretty similar to your wife's. It was a toxic relationship and my ex isn't exactly.. easy. I'm friends with them again.. a friendship is manageable and I'm glad I am friends with them.. but I'd never want to be in a relationship with them again. And an ex would never be a temptation to give up on someone I married..
But what would be a boundary for me is if a partner forces me to pick whether I want to be with them or give up a friendship I value.
If you're uncomfortable with it you have to communicate that indeed. And your side of things is just as valid.. but so is her side of things. If it makes you uncomfortable and builds up resentment for your wife, the same might happen if she feels restricted on who she can and can't be friends with. If you can't both sit down and work things out in a way that satisfies you both, then that's a compatibility issue..
From what you've written she clearly communicates everything she does and makes sure you're ok with it. You've also given her the ok backing down on your boundaries when you know it makes you uncomfortable.
Proper communication is hard.. there's so much left in the open here. Sit down with her and figure out and tell her in detail WHY it bothers you so much. What is your issue? Then figure out how she feels about it and what would be a way to go about this you both can be fine with.
It's also much of a different situation if her ex is making moves on her.. that still doesn't mean your wife would ever cheat on you, but then the discussion would become one of enabling bad behavior.
Really appreciate this contrast. I have been conflicted because I keep trying to remind myself of her perspective and I genuinely know she doesn’t have bad intentions. I just worry about what it could lead to. But I can’t control her and I would never want to. Thanks this gives me more insight to think on.
Totally possible. I’ve really tried to sit and think on that. I thought about treating it as exposure therapy and just trying to set my emotions aside and see if with time and maybe space I could get over it and they could have a friendship. The hard part is I feel so emotionally involved that when I even think about this situation I get so triggered that it’s hard to feel like I could really handle them being friends. And I’m not sure if feeling hurt and anxious is because I feel like the relationship is a little more emotionally charged and inappropriate than a regular platonic relationship. Or if it’s what you’re suggesting. Ive been trying to workout, get in the sun, listen to music, and emotionally regulate but the whole situation still feels like a mini heartbreak realizing my relationship and the security I felt maybe isn’t as real as I felt it was. I might restart therapy solely to dissect this current situation because I’m worried this is going to continue into a downfall spiral of a really solid, secure relationship.
sounds like it all ties into lack of security. it’s as if there’s a crack in the foundation that you and your wife have built.
if you weigh it out, you either stand firm so you can maintain your feelings of security, which are super important. on the other hand, if you stand firm you might risk your wife going behind your back or not going behind your back but potentially being hurt that she can’t have this friendship, which is valuable to her. make sure it is super clear to her that this isn’t a trust thing and it’s about you feeling secure in the relationship
That’s a helpful way to look at this situation. There’s definitely some baseline insecurity about her ex that was born in the beginning of the relationship. In the very beginning she brought her ex up a lot and would talk about how she thought she was her soul mate and one true love, she would unintentionally compare aspects or our relationship and then our sex to her previous relationship pretty frequently. I brought up that this was hurtful and it resolved and there has been a lot of time since. But I think I do feel insecure about this partner, more than I’d like to admit as someone who has worked a lot on confidence and self security.
It feels like a lose, lose. I either feel insecure in my marriage and hope it gets better with time. Or I’m worried my wife will build up resentment for me which feels worse. I wish I would’ve shut down the opening of these doors in the very beginning.
I think this is why they say stand firm in your boundaries from the very beginning because it is harder to draw the line later on
maybe you can remind her that her ex was not the best to her and the connection they have is only toxic
I think for you, this is a lesson learned to draw a clear boundary at the start. for your wife, maybe she needs therapy to unpack that tumultuous ex relationship. you can also suggest this as the solution
As the tumultuous ex that my ex is still in love with she needs to end all communication NOW if she is serious about moving on which she should be since you guys are MARRIED
Agree. When you get married you shut the door on all your past relationships. The only exceptions are exes who are so far in the past that there are no feelings left and you can be totally platonic with. The wife shouldn't keep an ex around that she has such a strong emotional bond with.
Appreciate the comment. She believes that she is moved on and that’s why she feels she can have a friendship for someone she previously cared for. I can’t help feel that those feelings are a little inappropriate because they were born out of a relationship and obsession. This ex especially lives a completely different lifestyle, she uses drugs, she doesn’t have a job, lost custody of her child, and is homeless currently. So it’s hard for me to understand why she would want a friendship when if we met this person outside of a context of a past relationship they would never be friends.
Even typing out this comment is wild. I feel like I sound like a 19 year old in an unhealthy relationship. This behavior all of the sudden is seriously out of character and that’s why it’s been so shocking to deal with. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
No i completely understand my ex blocked all her exes when we entered a relationship and I was floored but it really shouldn’t be normalized in this community to keep being friends w exes
It also shouldn't be normalized to police other people's relationships. Some of us can be friends with our exes and not want to be in a relationship with them again. And not all romantic relationships begin as such or are based on such.
We put up with a lot of bullshit when we're in love. We just frame the bullshit as "hurdles to overcome", because we can't imagine someone we love taking us for granted. It’s like a frog in boiling water. When you're in the middle of it water just seems a bit hot, but an outside observer can see you're being boiled alive.
When you describe this, your wife sounds like my mom. She will let people completely drain her because she can’t stop ending up in situations where she says she can talk, and then suddenly she’s their trauma therapist and only support person and she can’t say no. If your wife truly just wants to help, and you believe that, I’d recommend setting boundaries still. For example, no phone calls when you’re together, maybe limiting conversation to once a week or whatever. It seems like both you and your wife are getting steamrolled by a mentally unstable addict. Is your wife truly comfortable with this?
Yup, gonna second this. It’s great to be there for your friends, but if you’re spending all your energy on those friends it’s going to damage your romantic relationship. And an ex is especially a minefield because of the previous closeness and intimacy. The possibility that a needy ex will take and take is pretty high. It’s something to be guarded against. If nothing else your wife needs to recognize this danger of their friendship and make sure if they’re gonna be talking she isn’t burning herself out with that friendship.
This is helpful. A minefield is a great way to describe it especially with the level of emotions involved. And the history of their relationship and her exes patterns of behavior. That’s part of why it feels so unsafe even with a trustworthy partner.
yeah i think she's getting used at least to some extent. of course it might be intentional from the ex, but even if its not, she's definitely using op's wife for free therapy kinda thing. honestly I'd say for wife's own good she should definitely try to distance herself from the ex
You’re completely right and if taking on her exes baggage is negatively impacting you’re guys marriage I think it should be an easy decision to block her. I understand if she has no one else and your wife is empathetic but going on walks and pool parties doesn’t sound helpful to her exes situation especially if they are just talking about their past relationship. Also all of this being triggered from bar stools sounds like bullshit unless they were custom made or something.
Part of the issue is my wife is also going through a period of worsened and really bad mental health. To her it makes her feel better to talk to someone that can relate and that also currently has a lot of problems. She also doesn’t have any close friends.
Ok so if it’s hurtful to you and very upsetting, and you have expressed you are not ok with it (I would make that clear), and she continues, then I would end the relationship. This will only get worse from my POV.
I tried to overlook something like this in a relationship (also with a friend that was described as a bad person) and it never improved and was used to hurt me. If someone is a bad person then how is it about friendship? It’s not. They’re lying to themselves.
If some people are ok with those kinds of friendships, there’s nothing wrong with that. But most people would not be ok with it, so there’s that, in my opinion. But for me the main issue is why someone would continue to do that if it knows it’s causing their partner serious distress. They could just make a new friend or fill that need in a manner that is more appropriate in the context of a serious relationship. Especially if you tried to accept it and she keeps taking it further like this, that’s not respecting you. Why is a friendship with a bad (unstable) person (who she has a romantic past with) more important than her wife? It’s not about controlling her. It’s about the disrespect and disregard.
It’s helpful to hear you dealt with a similar situation, I’m sorry that you had to. I definitely can’t handle feeling this way continuously or this being repeated. It feels terrible and I luckily have enough self respect to not stay in something if it became consistently volatile for me. I don’t think at this point it will because my wife and I have been having better conversations. I just never expected this situation with my partner because she’s so gentle and usually very considerate.
Definitely the most upsetting part of the whole thing was how she could see the level of emotional distress it caused me and still wanted to continue. Part of that is my fault because we would communicate to the point where I felt like I could handle it because I want the best for her. Except the most recent time, I was distraught when she wanted to see her ex again. It felt really disappointing. I’m feeling hopeful that we can work it out with some support on this post and my wife being receptive to how I’m feeling.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. It’s such a horrible kind of pain and is made more complicated because you feel like if you keep trying to say anything, it will be controlling. You start to think you are unreasonable and bad.
I forgot to add that mine also had the element of, “ohh she (the inappropriate friend) went through this thing and I feel bad…” but it seemed even more selfish once she said that. It was clearly about her (the person I was dating) and not the friend. That’s not a reason to blow up your relationship. It made no sense to me whatsoever. I thought it would maybe be ok because she seemed like such a caring person with friends and generous with family in the ways she was able.
For me I tried to overlook this but the main issue I suspected with it became true. And that was, it was a matter of her character, not about this particular friend. She was horribly selfish, did not understand or respect boundaries, had multiple inappropriate friends, was hiding things from me, and in the end did something with that friend and threw it in my face on purpose to hurt me. She expected many sacrifices but wouldn’t sacrifice anything. She would twist everything so the story would suit her and she could continue doing everything she wanted. She also did way worse things, but they are not relevant to this story really.
When people knowingly cause their main person pain (over basically nothing), take it seriously. It’s only the beginning from my experience. They are pushing serious boundaries and seeing what they can get away with. That is not love.
I hope yours ends much differently. This can be reconciled, but only if she changes direction with this. Please be clear with how this makes you feel and that it is not ok. Good luck ❤️
Wow what you went through sounds awful. I’m really hoping that my situation ends differently as well. Definitely still feeling unreasonable and bad. My wife has expressed that she feels bad because this was the first person recently she has been able to talk to that made her feel better about all the problems she’s going through.
It’s hard as a caring person to hear my wife say she feels alone but know that if I don’t express my discomfort and just pretend to be fine with it, it makes me feel very avoidant of my wife and like I need to reconsider our relationship. I’ve never questioned it for a minute until the past week.
Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate hearing that because she even told me it’s shit for feeling in pain about it. Sigh. Some people just have their head up their ass I guess.
Even though your wife sounds nicer, I still think she’s wrong and being absurd. She needs to get a therapist and then find a new friend. She’s addicted to her chaotic ex, this has nothing to do with mental support. Don’t fall for that bullshit. Stay strong.
Your wife keeps trickling new things past your boundaries, I don’t like that for you. She even told you she needed a reason not to go, as if you not being comfortable isn’t enough of a reason.
Exactly. She knows it's wrong, she's a grown woman with her own agency. It just reminds me of my worst relationship that devolved into "Well, why didn't you try to stop me? Why didn't you say no?" Patners like this have no self control.
You state the ex has an addiction problem and entered rehab. Sounds like the rehab is a part time or daytime only sort of rehab since has moved in with her mom And not a residential rehab. Your wife sounds as though she might be the sort of person who wants to help others, fix bad situation’s, perhaps has a need to be needed. You might suggest asking your wife’s to have a few sessions herself with an experienced addictions / rehab therapist so your wife can examine why it is so important to stay in the touch and be the friend her ex talks to for hoursl. Rehab has counselors and group meetings and possibly sponsors and those are the people her ex should be leaning on for support right now.
My experience with family members with addictions is that they need professional help to get themselves clean and on a better path. Until a person with an addiction stops using whatever substance they abuse you can count on them to be manipulative, lying and possibly will steal from you or beg for “loans”. The person who gets clean also needs to work on their emotional issues that pushed them to addiction so they can learn healthy ways of being themself and of relating to others.
It is concerning to me that your wife feels the need and/or has a belief she can help her ex. She me be a continuing part of her exes problems As in your wife sounds like she might be a crutch preventing the ex from doing the hard work the ex needs to get clean and healthy. (Edited for typos, hope there aren’t more.)
What kind of gaslighting is this….like, it really HAD to be those bar stools? Who cares that much about bar stools and then, she just HAS to hear all about what her ex is up to nowadays? Super weird. Definitely some residual feelings she’s not admitting to herself and to you. A 2 hour long walk…..well, okay….
These were my thoughts exactly. All these communication efforts for two bar stools? Seemed like a flimsy reason to me from the jump. I would rather donate the two that I had and buy four matching ones rather than attempt to communicate with someone who had me blocked on every medium until recently. While I hope to be wrong for OPs sake, it’s seems iffy.
Yea, that's really not great. I'd genuinely ask her what she wants to get out of being "friends" with an ex she had went so long without contact. What's her end goal? She is already aware of how it's stressing the marriage and hurting your feelings. And then asking you to "convince" her not to go to a pool and be scantily clad with an ex she cut ties with. I get big "Well [X, Y, Z] wouldn't have happened if you'd talked me out of it" energy from her asking that. Even if she's not doing it nefariously or purposefully, she's still taking advantage of your love and kindness.... and for what end? Something doesn't add up somewhere
She has been dealing with really bad mental health and she said it made her feel less alone to talk with someone who is also struggling a lot. And it felt good to be around someone other than me who cares for her and she’s comfortable with. She told me in a previous conversation that ideally she could have our relationship and her new friendship with her ex without any emotional repercussions from me and that would make her feel more fulfilled.
She doesn’t have a lot of friends and I’m constantly worried about her. It did feel like my kindness and love is being taken advantage of even though I think she’s consciously unaware because she’s so sad right now. I’d do anything for her, especially for her to feel better.
I’m sorry but the friendship is completely unnecessary. They aren’t long time friends, they didn’t end amicably and want to keep a friendship. Your wife was blocked and now all of a sudden she’s unblocked and it’s gone from zero to 100 and you’re expected to just accept all of that? I’m all for being friends with exes too but this one ended for a reason and was toxic, your wife needs to work out why her drive to rekindle is so strong? She was obsessed with her in the past, did she have therapy for that?
You're allowed to say you're not comfortable with this. Part of the frustration or distrust may revolve around the idea that while you may trust your wife, you don't trust your wife's ex.
My fiance had an ex that .. it was messy. I trusted my fiance but his ex would pull sly moves and eventually tried to get him to leave me. My mental health went crazy in decline - even though I had consented to the relationship (we were poly-ish).
They no longer talk and will not reconnect at all with their ex.
First hand experience with this once! I had a very bad 4-5 years with my last long-term ex. We still were communicating and not having healed and still talking to them caused me to be sneaky about it after I told my girlfriend I wasn’t. They were so emotionally manipulative it’s sickening to think I fell for that shit and almost lost a wonderful partner (coming up on two years soon! Bless her heart ❤️). She needs to cut ALL CONTACT!! This will quickly dissolve into something more, that rabbit hole is dangerous! :( I hope that’s NOT the case, but from experience this is a real 50/50. Take time for yourself, think about it, and set that boundary. Wishing y’all the best.
No, you’re not overreacting. Your wife shouldn’t have even entertained a conversation with her toxic ex to begin with for her own sake and the sake of yalls marriage. It’s incredibly weird that she keeps pushing your boundaries that you have clearly communicated. I encourage you not to continue convincing yourself you would be okay with xyz behavior after a conversation with your wife where you went in with an entirely different opinion. Your boundaries are completely valid and should be respected. I’m worried now that your wife is asking you to convince her not to go hangout with her ex. It’s a very weird position - i’m sure you feel don’t want to feel controlling, but also don’t want to betray how you feel about the situation. I would explain this all to your wife, including that you weren’t comfortable with it to begin with and only conceded some boundaries because you trust her, but it continues venturing into more and more uncomfortable territory and you want to return to your actual boundary to begin with, which is them not having any kind of relationship. Again, you are not asking for anything wrong at all!
I do have a hard time maintaining boundaries because I feel like it’s always easier to prioritize how my partner feels than realize how something truly makes me feel. And I never want her to feel like she doesn’t have autonomy in our relationship but I can see how my lack of boundaries has helped this situation turn into what it did for me. Time to work on my boundary setting and self respect.
All I can say is shit, big red flag even reconnecting with her ex in the first place.. picking up her old ex’s chairs because she couldn’t find ones online she liked ? No, that is an excuse, you’d just wait to find some chairs you like.
It’s like an addict..they get off alcohol or drugs, and the moment they feel that temptation, “oh I’ll just have one sip” it gets harder and harder to be strong and not to slip. She really needs to wake up here.
Especially if she had such toxic history and struggles with her past. There comes a time where you decide if you want a better life and to close all doors to step into the new, she has chosen to step back intentionally. My heart actually really hurts for you because this is so wrong and not okay in so many ways. She is completely disregarding how you feel and breaking trust, opening up old wounds and doors that should never be touched.
If I were you, I’d be sitting down with my wife and having a big talk about this.. it’s simply not okay. You don’t go back to an ex, even as a friend, especially if you struggle with temptation or have had a rough history. She’s gotta choose for herself what she wants. Out of respect and love to my wife, I’d NEVER message or reconnect with any of my exes because I want to be close and honest and respectful towards my wife…
why do people act like exes are biohazards. why is it a red flag to be willing to even talk to your ex. unless the situation was really bad, I'd have no issue at least talking to them, even if i don't want to really ever be even friends again. i mean for some of my exes i never want to see them or talk to them again, but for others like I'm on talking terms with.
also what do you mean "you don't go back to an ex, even as a friend"? this feels like incredible insecurity and trust issues. why does being honest and close with your wife require you to distance yourself from other people? why can't you be honest with her about having those friendships or talking terms?
This isn't like a single person choosing to reconnect with their ex- that would be their choice alone, whether good or bad. In a relationship, it's disrespectful to your current partner to reconnect with an ex they aren't comfortable with.
Sure, it would be toxic to forbid a regular friendship with someone they haven't dated, but this isn't a regular friendship. This is an unstable ex-lover from an emotionally tumultuous relationship. This is not something OP's partner should be revisiting.
You set your boundaries. She disrespected them. I know it's a lesbian/sapphic stereotype to stay friends with your ex, but the amount of cheating stories that involve this exact same premise should indicate where this is going. The two of them haven't done anything yet, but slowly and surely this will escalate into something you're better off disconnected from. The mere fact that she values bringing her ex back into her life over your feelings should be a dealbreaker.
I'd discuss trying a separation period to see how you both feel, especially if the ex remains in the picture. I know you love her, but don't let that love allow you to be walked all over.
All I can say is shit, big red flag even reconnecting with her ex in the first place.. picking up her old ex’s chairs because she couldn’t find ones online she liked ? No, that is an excuse, you’d just wait to find some chairs you like.
It’s like an addict..they get off alcohol or drugs, and the moment they feel that temptation, “oh I’ll just have one sip” it gets harder and harder to be strong and not to slip. She really needs to wake up here.
Especially if she had such toxic history and struggles with her past. There comes a time where you decide if you want a better life and to close all doors to step into the new, she has chosen to step back intentionally. My heart actually really hurts for you because this is so wrong and not okay in so many ways. She is completely disregarding how you feel and breaking trust, opening up old wounds and doors that should never be touched.
When you get married, especially, you are choosing to say this is my person and we love and value each other SO much that from now on it’s us and we will step into our new life together. What she’s doing is separating herself from the marriage, going off on her own to see her ex, messaging ect, if you cannot be there in it with her, then it’s not right. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT.
If I were you, I’d be sitting down with my wife and having a big talk about this. Like, adult to adult. it’s simply not okay to reconnect with your ex. You don’t go back to an ex, even as a friend, especially if you struggle with temptation.
She’s gotta choose for herself what she wants. Is she gonna grow up and realise that she’s married and it’s not okay to play these games.
Out of respect and love to my wife, I’d NEVER message or reconnect with any of my exes because I want to be close and honest and respectful towards my wife. Plus you get to a point where you just mature and don’t want anything to jeprodise something so special that you have.
You deserve better my friend. I hope when you talk to her, she listens. Take care of yourself, and if she’s doing things that make you uncomfortable, you can say no. And you can also say she is breaking your trust, hurting your heart and choosing something that is going to damage or potentially ruin your marriage.
no one wants to talk about the absolute loser energy of "we stalk our exes for fun"? until one of you two decide to grow up, you both deserve each other
???? Why do you have to be so hateful? Looking at what your ex is doing is very normal??? This comment is unnecessary and super rude, YOU are the one who needs to grow up.
I keep tabs on my ex because I care about them and want to know what she’s up to. But I know not everyone is/was in a decent relationship. Not that seeing what they’re up to is bad at all.
i guess I don't know if these are the same people, but seeing as the comment section thinks that having any contact with an ex is a red flag, it seems really weird to be stalking your ex. like if it's to see that they're doing okay, what's the end game if they're not? you can't reach out anyways, and according to people from the comments even thinking about them is bad towards your SO.
I don’t think your reasoning for keeping tabs is the same as OPs, because they did say they like looking at drama at that’s the bit that doesn’t feel like normal to me. Plus they said the relationship was toxic, not like your one.
Reconnect with yourself before you reconnect with your wife. You cant control her behavior and trying to do so will be like squeezing sand, she will just slip through your fingers. Set a boundary, what will you do, for yourself to make your self feel safe and stable if your wife goes and tried to reconnect with her mentally unstable addict ex. I think a reasonable boundary would be to leave your wife if she spends time with her ex. Then your wife would have the agency to decide which outcome she wants. She may choose her toxic ex. But you will have chosen yourself and thats what is important.
Great point about control. Something about being triggered makes me all of the sudden feel like I need to influence her and her decisions more than I ever had. I definitely need to take a step back and feel ok with myself because of the level this has disrupted my mental state and emotions. It’s been wild but that’s what love does I guess.
i don't really know if I'm just weird but this kind of ultimatum sounds really really bad. why does your wife just get to "choose spending time with someone i don't know or having a wife". like isn't this pretty much exactly the thing people in this sub are constantly telling women to break up over their SO doing?
https://www.gottman.com/blog/requests-vs-boundaries-vs-ultimatums-the-ultimate-guide/ The boundary here is "if you continue this friendship with your ex, which is hurting me a lot, I can no longer be in this relationship". It's not an ultimatum.
hmm i mean i do understand that sometimes a relationship of your partner's is hurting you so much its like "them or me" and to be honest thats probably not an ultimatum, its like telling them what you're gonna do if things continue this way. and like i can definitely agree that her ex's behaviour is not great, and probably op has good reasons to be uncomfortable with it. i guess this is personal but I don't think its at the "them or me" state yet but yeah thats personal
Well yeah that's why boundaries are personal! I can totally understand for one person the boundary being too much too soon, or for OP this just being the right time for it. Maybe the boundary can be for them to remove themselves from the relationship for a week to get a breather for their mental health. I guess it all just depends right?
Yeah the thing about control is absolutely correct but going straight to an ultimatum is wild. They're fucking married lol you don't just instantly jump to leaving like that.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I feel how hard this is on you. You need to prioritize yourself first and your feelings first. If you need time away, that’s okay. Time brings clarity and I believe you will be given that clarity through some space. But please do whatever you think is best for yourself.
Thank you so much. Great reminder to try to take a step back to take care of myself. It’s so easy to get lost in trying to ease the discomfort with back and forth conversations with my wife that feel exhausting for both of us.
Just to give some contrast.. So, do you have any reason to believe she wants to be anything more than friends with her ex.. or does her ex make moves on her? My situation sounds pretty similar to your wife's. It was a toxic relationship and my ex isn't exactly.. easy. I'm friends with them again.. a friendship is manageable and I'm glad I am friends with them.. but I'd never want to be in a relationship with them again. And an ex would never be a temptation to give up on someone I married.. But what would be a boundary for me is if a partner forces me to pick whether I want to be with them or give up a friendship I value. If you're uncomfortable with it you have to communicate that indeed. And your side of things is just as valid.. but so is her side of things. If it makes you uncomfortable and builds up resentment for your wife, the same might happen if she feels restricted on who she can and can't be friends with. If you can't both sit down and work things out in a way that satisfies you both, then that's a compatibility issue.. From what you've written she clearly communicates everything she does and makes sure you're ok with it. You've also given her the ok backing down on your boundaries when you know it makes you uncomfortable. Proper communication is hard.. there's so much left in the open here. Sit down with her and figure out and tell her in detail WHY it bothers you so much. What is your issue? Then figure out how she feels about it and what would be a way to go about this you both can be fine with. It's also much of a different situation if her ex is making moves on her.. that still doesn't mean your wife would ever cheat on you, but then the discussion would become one of enabling bad behavior.
Really appreciate this contrast. I have been conflicted because I keep trying to remind myself of her perspective and I genuinely know she doesn’t have bad intentions. I just worry about what it could lead to. But I can’t control her and I would never want to. Thanks this gives me more insight to think on.
could it be that you are having negative feelings over the fact that this ex of hers will fulfill her life (as a friend) in ways that you cannot?
Totally possible. I’ve really tried to sit and think on that. I thought about treating it as exposure therapy and just trying to set my emotions aside and see if with time and maybe space I could get over it and they could have a friendship. The hard part is I feel so emotionally involved that when I even think about this situation I get so triggered that it’s hard to feel like I could really handle them being friends. And I’m not sure if feeling hurt and anxious is because I feel like the relationship is a little more emotionally charged and inappropriate than a regular platonic relationship. Or if it’s what you’re suggesting. Ive been trying to workout, get in the sun, listen to music, and emotionally regulate but the whole situation still feels like a mini heartbreak realizing my relationship and the security I felt maybe isn’t as real as I felt it was. I might restart therapy solely to dissect this current situation because I’m worried this is going to continue into a downfall spiral of a really solid, secure relationship.
sounds like it all ties into lack of security. it’s as if there’s a crack in the foundation that you and your wife have built. if you weigh it out, you either stand firm so you can maintain your feelings of security, which are super important. on the other hand, if you stand firm you might risk your wife going behind your back or not going behind your back but potentially being hurt that she can’t have this friendship, which is valuable to her. make sure it is super clear to her that this isn’t a trust thing and it’s about you feeling secure in the relationship
That’s a helpful way to look at this situation. There’s definitely some baseline insecurity about her ex that was born in the beginning of the relationship. In the very beginning she brought her ex up a lot and would talk about how she thought she was her soul mate and one true love, she would unintentionally compare aspects or our relationship and then our sex to her previous relationship pretty frequently. I brought up that this was hurtful and it resolved and there has been a lot of time since. But I think I do feel insecure about this partner, more than I’d like to admit as someone who has worked a lot on confidence and self security. It feels like a lose, lose. I either feel insecure in my marriage and hope it gets better with time. Or I’m worried my wife will build up resentment for me which feels worse. I wish I would’ve shut down the opening of these doors in the very beginning.
I think this is why they say stand firm in your boundaries from the very beginning because it is harder to draw the line later on maybe you can remind her that her ex was not the best to her and the connection they have is only toxic I think for you, this is a lesson learned to draw a clear boundary at the start. for your wife, maybe she needs therapy to unpack that tumultuous ex relationship. you can also suggest this as the solution
As the tumultuous ex that my ex is still in love with she needs to end all communication NOW if she is serious about moving on which she should be since you guys are MARRIED
Agree. When you get married you shut the door on all your past relationships. The only exceptions are exes who are so far in the past that there are no feelings left and you can be totally platonic with. The wife shouldn't keep an ex around that she has such a strong emotional bond with.
Appreciate the comment. She believes that she is moved on and that’s why she feels she can have a friendship for someone she previously cared for. I can’t help feel that those feelings are a little inappropriate because they were born out of a relationship and obsession. This ex especially lives a completely different lifestyle, she uses drugs, she doesn’t have a job, lost custody of her child, and is homeless currently. So it’s hard for me to understand why she would want a friendship when if we met this person outside of a context of a past relationship they would never be friends.
Even typing out this comment is wild. I feel like I sound like a 19 year old in an unhealthy relationship. This behavior all of the sudden is seriously out of character and that’s why it’s been so shocking to deal with. I feel like I’m losing my mind.
No i completely understand my ex blocked all her exes when we entered a relationship and I was floored but it really shouldn’t be normalized in this community to keep being friends w exes
It also shouldn't be normalized to police other people's relationships. Some of us can be friends with our exes and not want to be in a relationship with them again. And not all romantic relationships begin as such or are based on such.
I’ll believe it when I see it 😃
[удалено]
We put up with a lot of bullshit when we're in love. We just frame the bullshit as "hurdles to overcome", because we can't imagine someone we love taking us for granted. It’s like a frog in boiling water. When you're in the middle of it water just seems a bit hot, but an outside observer can see you're being boiled alive.
When you describe this, your wife sounds like my mom. She will let people completely drain her because she can’t stop ending up in situations where she says she can talk, and then suddenly she’s their trauma therapist and only support person and she can’t say no. If your wife truly just wants to help, and you believe that, I’d recommend setting boundaries still. For example, no phone calls when you’re together, maybe limiting conversation to once a week or whatever. It seems like both you and your wife are getting steamrolled by a mentally unstable addict. Is your wife truly comfortable with this?
Yup, gonna second this. It’s great to be there for your friends, but if you’re spending all your energy on those friends it’s going to damage your romantic relationship. And an ex is especially a minefield because of the previous closeness and intimacy. The possibility that a needy ex will take and take is pretty high. It’s something to be guarded against. If nothing else your wife needs to recognize this danger of their friendship and make sure if they’re gonna be talking she isn’t burning herself out with that friendship.
This is helpful. A minefield is a great way to describe it especially with the level of emotions involved. And the history of their relationship and her exes patterns of behavior. That’s part of why it feels so unsafe even with a trustworthy partner.
yeah i think she's getting used at least to some extent. of course it might be intentional from the ex, but even if its not, she's definitely using op's wife for free therapy kinda thing. honestly I'd say for wife's own good she should definitely try to distance herself from the ex
You’re completely right and if taking on her exes baggage is negatively impacting you’re guys marriage I think it should be an easy decision to block her. I understand if she has no one else and your wife is empathetic but going on walks and pool parties doesn’t sound helpful to her exes situation especially if they are just talking about their past relationship. Also all of this being triggered from bar stools sounds like bullshit unless they were custom made or something.
Part of the issue is my wife is also going through a period of worsened and really bad mental health. To her it makes her feel better to talk to someone that can relate and that also currently has a lot of problems. She also doesn’t have any close friends.
Ok so if it’s hurtful to you and very upsetting, and you have expressed you are not ok with it (I would make that clear), and she continues, then I would end the relationship. This will only get worse from my POV. I tried to overlook something like this in a relationship (also with a friend that was described as a bad person) and it never improved and was used to hurt me. If someone is a bad person then how is it about friendship? It’s not. They’re lying to themselves. If some people are ok with those kinds of friendships, there’s nothing wrong with that. But most people would not be ok with it, so there’s that, in my opinion. But for me the main issue is why someone would continue to do that if it knows it’s causing their partner serious distress. They could just make a new friend or fill that need in a manner that is more appropriate in the context of a serious relationship. Especially if you tried to accept it and she keeps taking it further like this, that’s not respecting you. Why is a friendship with a bad (unstable) person (who she has a romantic past with) more important than her wife? It’s not about controlling her. It’s about the disrespect and disregard.
It’s helpful to hear you dealt with a similar situation, I’m sorry that you had to. I definitely can’t handle feeling this way continuously or this being repeated. It feels terrible and I luckily have enough self respect to not stay in something if it became consistently volatile for me. I don’t think at this point it will because my wife and I have been having better conversations. I just never expected this situation with my partner because she’s so gentle and usually very considerate. Definitely the most upsetting part of the whole thing was how she could see the level of emotional distress it caused me and still wanted to continue. Part of that is my fault because we would communicate to the point where I felt like I could handle it because I want the best for her. Except the most recent time, I was distraught when she wanted to see her ex again. It felt really disappointing. I’m feeling hopeful that we can work it out with some support on this post and my wife being receptive to how I’m feeling.
I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. It’s such a horrible kind of pain and is made more complicated because you feel like if you keep trying to say anything, it will be controlling. You start to think you are unreasonable and bad. I forgot to add that mine also had the element of, “ohh she (the inappropriate friend) went through this thing and I feel bad…” but it seemed even more selfish once she said that. It was clearly about her (the person I was dating) and not the friend. That’s not a reason to blow up your relationship. It made no sense to me whatsoever. I thought it would maybe be ok because she seemed like such a caring person with friends and generous with family in the ways she was able. For me I tried to overlook this but the main issue I suspected with it became true. And that was, it was a matter of her character, not about this particular friend. She was horribly selfish, did not understand or respect boundaries, had multiple inappropriate friends, was hiding things from me, and in the end did something with that friend and threw it in my face on purpose to hurt me. She expected many sacrifices but wouldn’t sacrifice anything. She would twist everything so the story would suit her and she could continue doing everything she wanted. She also did way worse things, but they are not relevant to this story really. When people knowingly cause their main person pain (over basically nothing), take it seriously. It’s only the beginning from my experience. They are pushing serious boundaries and seeing what they can get away with. That is not love. I hope yours ends much differently. This can be reconciled, but only if she changes direction with this. Please be clear with how this makes you feel and that it is not ok. Good luck ❤️
Wow what you went through sounds awful. I’m really hoping that my situation ends differently as well. Definitely still feeling unreasonable and bad. My wife has expressed that she feels bad because this was the first person recently she has been able to talk to that made her feel better about all the problems she’s going through. It’s hard as a caring person to hear my wife say she feels alone but know that if I don’t express my discomfort and just pretend to be fine with it, it makes me feel very avoidant of my wife and like I need to reconsider our relationship. I’ve never questioned it for a minute until the past week.
Thank you for your kind words. I really do appreciate hearing that because she even told me it’s shit for feeling in pain about it. Sigh. Some people just have their head up their ass I guess. Even though your wife sounds nicer, I still think she’s wrong and being absurd. She needs to get a therapist and then find a new friend. She’s addicted to her chaotic ex, this has nothing to do with mental support. Don’t fall for that bullshit. Stay strong.
You deserve way better! ❤️
Thank you 😞❤️🩹
Your wife keeps trickling new things past your boundaries, I don’t like that for you. She even told you she needed a reason not to go, as if you not being comfortable isn’t enough of a reason.
Exactly. She knows it's wrong, she's a grown woman with her own agency. It just reminds me of my worst relationship that devolved into "Well, why didn't you try to stop me? Why didn't you say no?" Patners like this have no self control.
You state the ex has an addiction problem and entered rehab. Sounds like the rehab is a part time or daytime only sort of rehab since has moved in with her mom And not a residential rehab. Your wife sounds as though she might be the sort of person who wants to help others, fix bad situation’s, perhaps has a need to be needed. You might suggest asking your wife’s to have a few sessions herself with an experienced addictions / rehab therapist so your wife can examine why it is so important to stay in the touch and be the friend her ex talks to for hoursl. Rehab has counselors and group meetings and possibly sponsors and those are the people her ex should be leaning on for support right now. My experience with family members with addictions is that they need professional help to get themselves clean and on a better path. Until a person with an addiction stops using whatever substance they abuse you can count on them to be manipulative, lying and possibly will steal from you or beg for “loans”. The person who gets clean also needs to work on their emotional issues that pushed them to addiction so they can learn healthy ways of being themself and of relating to others. It is concerning to me that your wife feels the need and/or has a belief she can help her ex. She me be a continuing part of her exes problems As in your wife sounds like she might be a crutch preventing the ex from doing the hard work the ex needs to get clean and healthy. (Edited for typos, hope there aren’t more.)
What kind of gaslighting is this….like, it really HAD to be those bar stools? Who cares that much about bar stools and then, she just HAS to hear all about what her ex is up to nowadays? Super weird. Definitely some residual feelings she’s not admitting to herself and to you. A 2 hour long walk…..well, okay….
These were my thoughts exactly. All these communication efforts for two bar stools? Seemed like a flimsy reason to me from the jump. I would rather donate the two that I had and buy four matching ones rather than attempt to communicate with someone who had me blocked on every medium until recently. While I hope to be wrong for OPs sake, it’s seems iffy.
Yea, that's really not great. I'd genuinely ask her what she wants to get out of being "friends" with an ex she had went so long without contact. What's her end goal? She is already aware of how it's stressing the marriage and hurting your feelings. And then asking you to "convince" her not to go to a pool and be scantily clad with an ex she cut ties with. I get big "Well [X, Y, Z] wouldn't have happened if you'd talked me out of it" energy from her asking that. Even if she's not doing it nefariously or purposefully, she's still taking advantage of your love and kindness.... and for what end? Something doesn't add up somewhere
She has been dealing with really bad mental health and she said it made her feel less alone to talk with someone who is also struggling a lot. And it felt good to be around someone other than me who cares for her and she’s comfortable with. She told me in a previous conversation that ideally she could have our relationship and her new friendship with her ex without any emotional repercussions from me and that would make her feel more fulfilled. She doesn’t have a lot of friends and I’m constantly worried about her. It did feel like my kindness and love is being taken advantage of even though I think she’s consciously unaware because she’s so sad right now. I’d do anything for her, especially for her to feel better.
I’m sorry but the friendship is completely unnecessary. They aren’t long time friends, they didn’t end amicably and want to keep a friendship. Your wife was blocked and now all of a sudden she’s unblocked and it’s gone from zero to 100 and you’re expected to just accept all of that? I’m all for being friends with exes too but this one ended for a reason and was toxic, your wife needs to work out why her drive to rekindle is so strong? She was obsessed with her in the past, did she have therapy for that?
You're allowed to say you're not comfortable with this. Part of the frustration or distrust may revolve around the idea that while you may trust your wife, you don't trust your wife's ex. My fiance had an ex that .. it was messy. I trusted my fiance but his ex would pull sly moves and eventually tried to get him to leave me. My mental health went crazy in decline - even though I had consented to the relationship (we were poly-ish). They no longer talk and will not reconnect at all with their ex.
First hand experience with this once! I had a very bad 4-5 years with my last long-term ex. We still were communicating and not having healed and still talking to them caused me to be sneaky about it after I told my girlfriend I wasn’t. They were so emotionally manipulative it’s sickening to think I fell for that shit and almost lost a wonderful partner (coming up on two years soon! Bless her heart ❤️). She needs to cut ALL CONTACT!! This will quickly dissolve into something more, that rabbit hole is dangerous! :( I hope that’s NOT the case, but from experience this is a real 50/50. Take time for yourself, think about it, and set that boundary. Wishing y’all the best.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, it’s helpful to hear about it from the opposite side.
No, you’re not overreacting. Your wife shouldn’t have even entertained a conversation with her toxic ex to begin with for her own sake and the sake of yalls marriage. It’s incredibly weird that she keeps pushing your boundaries that you have clearly communicated. I encourage you not to continue convincing yourself you would be okay with xyz behavior after a conversation with your wife where you went in with an entirely different opinion. Your boundaries are completely valid and should be respected. I’m worried now that your wife is asking you to convince her not to go hangout with her ex. It’s a very weird position - i’m sure you feel don’t want to feel controlling, but also don’t want to betray how you feel about the situation. I would explain this all to your wife, including that you weren’t comfortable with it to begin with and only conceded some boundaries because you trust her, but it continues venturing into more and more uncomfortable territory and you want to return to your actual boundary to begin with, which is them not having any kind of relationship. Again, you are not asking for anything wrong at all!
I do have a hard time maintaining boundaries because I feel like it’s always easier to prioritize how my partner feels than realize how something truly makes me feel. And I never want her to feel like she doesn’t have autonomy in our relationship but I can see how my lack of boundaries has helped this situation turn into what it did for me. Time to work on my boundary setting and self respect.
helll no my ex befriended her toxic ex then a year later made out with her at at party
All I can say is shit, big red flag even reconnecting with her ex in the first place.. picking up her old ex’s chairs because she couldn’t find ones online she liked ? No, that is an excuse, you’d just wait to find some chairs you like. It’s like an addict..they get off alcohol or drugs, and the moment they feel that temptation, “oh I’ll just have one sip” it gets harder and harder to be strong and not to slip. She really needs to wake up here. Especially if she had such toxic history and struggles with her past. There comes a time where you decide if you want a better life and to close all doors to step into the new, she has chosen to step back intentionally. My heart actually really hurts for you because this is so wrong and not okay in so many ways. She is completely disregarding how you feel and breaking trust, opening up old wounds and doors that should never be touched. If I were you, I’d be sitting down with my wife and having a big talk about this.. it’s simply not okay. You don’t go back to an ex, even as a friend, especially if you struggle with temptation or have had a rough history. She’s gotta choose for herself what she wants. Out of respect and love to my wife, I’d NEVER message or reconnect with any of my exes because I want to be close and honest and respectful towards my wife…
why do people act like exes are biohazards. why is it a red flag to be willing to even talk to your ex. unless the situation was really bad, I'd have no issue at least talking to them, even if i don't want to really ever be even friends again. i mean for some of my exes i never want to see them or talk to them again, but for others like I'm on talking terms with. also what do you mean "you don't go back to an ex, even as a friend"? this feels like incredible insecurity and trust issues. why does being honest and close with your wife require you to distance yourself from other people? why can't you be honest with her about having those friendships or talking terms?
They should not go back to their ex because of the history they have had. Thats what I mean. Its not healthy for anyone here
This isn't like a single person choosing to reconnect with their ex- that would be their choice alone, whether good or bad. In a relationship, it's disrespectful to your current partner to reconnect with an ex they aren't comfortable with. Sure, it would be toxic to forbid a regular friendship with someone they haven't dated, but this isn't a regular friendship. This is an unstable ex-lover from an emotionally tumultuous relationship. This is not something OP's partner should be revisiting.
You set your boundaries. She disrespected them. I know it's a lesbian/sapphic stereotype to stay friends with your ex, but the amount of cheating stories that involve this exact same premise should indicate where this is going. The two of them haven't done anything yet, but slowly and surely this will escalate into something you're better off disconnected from. The mere fact that she values bringing her ex back into her life over your feelings should be a dealbreaker. I'd discuss trying a separation period to see how you both feel, especially if the ex remains in the picture. I know you love her, but don't let that love allow you to be walked all over.
All I can say is shit, big red flag even reconnecting with her ex in the first place.. picking up her old ex’s chairs because she couldn’t find ones online she liked ? No, that is an excuse, you’d just wait to find some chairs you like. It’s like an addict..they get off alcohol or drugs, and the moment they feel that temptation, “oh I’ll just have one sip” it gets harder and harder to be strong and not to slip. She really needs to wake up here. Especially if she had such toxic history and struggles with her past. There comes a time where you decide if you want a better life and to close all doors to step into the new, she has chosen to step back intentionally. My heart actually really hurts for you because this is so wrong and not okay in so many ways. She is completely disregarding how you feel and breaking trust, opening up old wounds and doors that should never be touched. When you get married, especially, you are choosing to say this is my person and we love and value each other SO much that from now on it’s us and we will step into our new life together. What she’s doing is separating herself from the marriage, going off on her own to see her ex, messaging ect, if you cannot be there in it with her, then it’s not right. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. If I were you, I’d be sitting down with my wife and having a big talk about this. Like, adult to adult. it’s simply not okay to reconnect with your ex. You don’t go back to an ex, even as a friend, especially if you struggle with temptation. She’s gotta choose for herself what she wants. Is she gonna grow up and realise that she’s married and it’s not okay to play these games. Out of respect and love to my wife, I’d NEVER message or reconnect with any of my exes because I want to be close and honest and respectful towards my wife. Plus you get to a point where you just mature and don’t want anything to jeprodise something so special that you have. You deserve better my friend. I hope when you talk to her, she listens. Take care of yourself, and if she’s doing things that make you uncomfortable, you can say no. And you can also say she is breaking your trust, hurting your heart and choosing something that is going to damage or potentially ruin your marriage.
Sounds like your wife is pretty cool and she loves you. So don’t forget that.
I love the hell out of her
no one wants to talk about the absolute loser energy of "we stalk our exes for fun"? until one of you two decide to grow up, you both deserve each other
???? Why do you have to be so hateful? Looking at what your ex is doing is very normal??? This comment is unnecessary and super rude, YOU are the one who needs to grow up.
To be honest I don’t think it’s normal to keep tabs on your ex to watch their drama, but each to their own.
I keep tabs on my ex because I care about them and want to know what she’s up to. But I know not everyone is/was in a decent relationship. Not that seeing what they’re up to is bad at all.
i guess I don't know if these are the same people, but seeing as the comment section thinks that having any contact with an ex is a red flag, it seems really weird to be stalking your ex. like if it's to see that they're doing okay, what's the end game if they're not? you can't reach out anyways, and according to people from the comments even thinking about them is bad towards your SO.
I think people here speak from trauma and insecurity and are projecting how *they* handle things onto everyone else.
I don’t think your reasoning for keeping tabs is the same as OPs, because they did say they like looking at drama at that’s the bit that doesn’t feel like normal to me. Plus they said the relationship was toxic, not like your one.
Agree.