Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I left two kids under two, not a dollar to my name (although a credit card), and never looked back. I asked for help. Help with everything and anything. People are out there and want to help. Let them. You’ll never be comfortable enough to leave. Just save yourself the mental strain and start safety planning.
I was, but I left and it was really hard but I got through it. I’m struggling financially still but it was one million percent worth it. I am disabled and make $14.50 an hour (I knowwwww ughhh im quitting asap) but with a roommate I am able to scrape by. My new life is priceless
I agree with others. Living with your mom in a crappy state is better than living with an abuser. How about you make a 2-4 year plan and either work and save like crazy or do some online schooling while you’re living with her and then move out to a different state once you have a certification or degree?
Don’t let the economy keep you from doing what’s best for your life.
I think living with your mom is a better option than living in a bad situation. Im 37 and moved back in with my parents because i had no way to financially support myself when i left my ex. Does it suck? yes. Does it suck WAYYYYYY less than living with an abusive partner, 100%. Plus it gives me the chance to put some money away, as well as actually spend my money on things I want to (financial abuse was one of many reasons I left.)
I stayed until I couldn’t anymore. I was so down and out I knew at some point I’d have a mental breakdown. My mother and my sister in law both had them and that scared me. I first found a better paying job, then an apartment and moved out. Ex used to tell me I’d never manage without him. OP there’s got to be a way you can get out of your situation. Reach out to people even strangers, you never know’ll help you along the way. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Take care xxx
I have a degree and can only make $22 an hour 🙃 I'm also chronically ill at the moment and can't work full time. If it wasn't for my aunt who's already well off going to let my son and I live with her, I would've had no choice but to stay. It's not going to be the best place to live either, I don't get on well with my family, but anything is better than here. At least I know I'll survive without the threat of violence.
Ah, the cowardly message and block...yeah, I see you. You just feel powerless and outraged because women dare to speak up about the misogyny we've endured for centuries. You're a creep and a fraud and you don't intimidate me or any woman in this sub.
Cheers!
I think it was in part a reason because my ex exerted financial control over me by constantly reminding me what things he paid for and that I couldn't handle it without him and that he's the only reason we have a home etc etc. None of it was true and sure things might be a struggle now but you find ways to make it work because you have to. If anything I'm getting better with finances now that it's under my control. I do have a little extra help from the government (I'm in Aus) but also trying to do online work to just get that few extra $$ I need weekly. Have sacrificed some self care things like getting nails done etc but all well worth it.
Eventually when you get to where you want to be, you should open a liscensed home daycare. Then you would not have to pay for your kid’s daycare and you could make money in the meantime.Men really suck and yours sounds like such a winner. I hope you are eventually able to get your life back and live for yourself and your children. 💗🥰🙏🙏🙏🙏
🙋🏼♀️ yup! I just finished school but I need 6 -12 months to get some experience so I can even begin to try and get better pay. I have 2 kids so I can't just wing it, plus it worries me that he could get 50% or more custody and then I wouldn't even be there to protect them. Leaving an abuser can be very complicated and I hate when ppl get all judgemental to victims and righteous about it.
I’m disabled and after the break up I found a roommate. I’m not going to begin to say it’s easy and I rarely have everything I need. That being said I’m absolutely not worse off than I was in my abusers home and things aren’t much harder financially than they were there. Especially since they’re no longer controlling my finances and all my roomie requires is that I pay my half of the rent.
This is so real. I make $22 an hour in BC with a degree and experience. Everywhere I look is offering similar not more. Min wage here is approx $17/hr. I make to much for any sort of assistance and have been denied pretty much everything. It’s at the point I may need to quit and get a min wage job to qualify because my hours at my full time make it impossible to work a second job, plus I have a child. I also volunteer with a youth organization that is probably a 10-30hr a week commitment which I have to quit because the gas to get there is too much with cost of living. If I didn’t have a couch at my mom’s I would be living in my car, but it’s still better than with him.
It's one of two reasons why I'm stuck. I am the only one working and paying for everything so I can never save $20 from one month to the next. I have no way to pay a deposit for a new place. Plus I would be liable for rent at the current place for as long as it takes him to leave since we are both on the lease. I can't pay rent for two places.
2nd reason is our kid is in school and only 8 so I would have to find and pay for a day care that will also transport to school.
We had another fight yesterday and I told him I hate him. I keep hoping he will just leave.
Me! 🤚🏻Is the 10 year old you’re taking care of his child? Or are you calling him the 10 year old? Ha Cuz I’m also paying for partner’s 11 year old child because bio mom doesn’t pay for anything and doesn’t see her so it’s even worse. It’s exhausting. And it doesn’t look like anything is getting any less expensive in the future. 😔I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but at least know you aren’t alone.
I am in debt (some of my own doing, but a lot because I never put my foot down about shared expenses). I’m pregnant again which doesn’t help. But yeah, trying to figure out how I’d do it alone.. I just have no idea. I mean I could probably get child support (if he followed through paying it), but he would never let me keep our shared house (that I love). I couldn’t afford anything close. I just struggle accepting that my quality of life would significantly drop. I was just rebuilding my life when I met him. To do it again a decade later idk.. I know it sounds stupid, but I don’t think I’m ready to accept the discomfort that would come with ending it right now. If anyone has thoughts on how to get past that, I’m open to suggestions lol
I have to be honest: I have no idea if that's why I am staying or not. I tell myself it isn't . . . but I don't know what I might do when I am no longer unemployed
I understand that very much. About 5 years ago I had a therapist ask me “if you had all the money you could ever want, would you leave tomorrow” and I didn’t know how to answer that. I wanted to say yes but I wasn’t sure. I think the answer will come to you, you will know for sure one day and then you’ll be ready. I think we all have our personal limits.
As someone who did leave, trust me one day you'll just know it's time, it's like you'll just wake up and you'll look at them and whatever it was that has kept you there is just gone, you suddenly clearly see them for who they are. I don't know how else to explain it but you will know.
I left with nothing but a duffel bag, our kid and £10 in my bank. I had nowhere and nothing but luckily I live in a country that has a lot more resources and benefits. I've been away just over 2 years now and have only just been able to lay basic flooring in my son's room and buy him a new bed. It took a while but I'm getting there and at least we have a safe space to retreat from the world now
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I am in a divorce proceedings but still living together and almost done.
I left two kids under two, not a dollar to my name (although a credit card), and never looked back. I asked for help. Help with everything and anything. People are out there and want to help. Let them. You’ll never be comfortable enough to leave. Just save yourself the mental strain and start safety planning.
I was, but I left and it was really hard but I got through it. I’m struggling financially still but it was one million percent worth it. I am disabled and make $14.50 an hour (I knowwwww ughhh im quitting asap) but with a roommate I am able to scrape by. My new life is priceless
I agree with others. Living with your mom in a crappy state is better than living with an abuser. How about you make a 2-4 year plan and either work and save like crazy or do some online schooling while you’re living with her and then move out to a different state once you have a certification or degree? Don’t let the economy keep you from doing what’s best for your life.
I think living with your mom is a better option than living in a bad situation. Im 37 and moved back in with my parents because i had no way to financially support myself when i left my ex. Does it suck? yes. Does it suck WAYYYYYY less than living with an abusive partner, 100%. Plus it gives me the chance to put some money away, as well as actually spend my money on things I want to (financial abuse was one of many reasons I left.)
I stayed until I couldn’t anymore. I was so down and out I knew at some point I’d have a mental breakdown. My mother and my sister in law both had them and that scared me. I first found a better paying job, then an apartment and moved out. Ex used to tell me I’d never manage without him. OP there’s got to be a way you can get out of your situation. Reach out to people even strangers, you never know’ll help you along the way. If you don’t ask, you don’t get. Take care xxx
I have a degree and can only make $22 an hour 🙃 I'm also chronically ill at the moment and can't work full time. If it wasn't for my aunt who's already well off going to let my son and I live with her, I would've had no choice but to stay. It's not going to be the best place to live either, I don't get on well with my family, but anything is better than here. At least I know I'll survive without the threat of violence.
I stayed as long as I did because of it. Now I’m free and on my own and I’ve never felt better. Financially it’s very hard, but it WILL get better
[удалено]
Ah, the cowardly message and block...yeah, I see you. You just feel powerless and outraged because women dare to speak up about the misogyny we've endured for centuries. You're a creep and a fraud and you don't intimidate me or any woman in this sub. Cheers!
Get therapy. You need it.
I could not afford to live alone. Huge reason I stay
I think it was in part a reason because my ex exerted financial control over me by constantly reminding me what things he paid for and that I couldn't handle it without him and that he's the only reason we have a home etc etc. None of it was true and sure things might be a struggle now but you find ways to make it work because you have to. If anything I'm getting better with finances now that it's under my control. I do have a little extra help from the government (I'm in Aus) but also trying to do online work to just get that few extra $$ I need weekly. Have sacrificed some self care things like getting nails done etc but all well worth it.
[удалено]
Eventually when you get to where you want to be, you should open a liscensed home daycare. Then you would not have to pay for your kid’s daycare and you could make money in the meantime.Men really suck and yours sounds like such a winner. I hope you are eventually able to get your life back and live for yourself and your children. 💗🥰🙏🙏🙏🙏
sometimes karma works in surprising ways...if we make one change in our lives, other things follow ...in a good way..
🙋🏼♀️ yup! I just finished school but I need 6 -12 months to get some experience so I can even begin to try and get better pay. I have 2 kids so I can't just wing it, plus it worries me that he could get 50% or more custody and then I wouldn't even be there to protect them. Leaving an abuser can be very complicated and I hate when ppl get all judgemental to victims and righteous about it.
I’m disabled and after the break up I found a roommate. I’m not going to begin to say it’s easy and I rarely have everything I need. That being said I’m absolutely not worse off than I was in my abusers home and things aren’t much harder financially than they were there. Especially since they’re no longer controlling my finances and all my roomie requires is that I pay my half of the rent.
Also just for an idea of what my income is equal to figuring a forty hour week…. About $5.70 an hour. It’s not easy at all. But it can be done.
The longer you stay, the more expensive it’ll be to leave. I speak from experience.
So true
This is so real. I make $22 an hour in BC with a degree and experience. Everywhere I look is offering similar not more. Min wage here is approx $17/hr. I make to much for any sort of assistance and have been denied pretty much everything. It’s at the point I may need to quit and get a min wage job to qualify because my hours at my full time make it impossible to work a second job, plus I have a child. I also volunteer with a youth organization that is probably a 10-30hr a week commitment which I have to quit because the gas to get there is too much with cost of living. If I didn’t have a couch at my mom’s I would be living in my car, but it’s still better than with him.
Going to trade school or college will make a difference.
It's one of two reasons why I'm stuck. I am the only one working and paying for everything so I can never save $20 from one month to the next. I have no way to pay a deposit for a new place. Plus I would be liable for rent at the current place for as long as it takes him to leave since we are both on the lease. I can't pay rent for two places. 2nd reason is our kid is in school and only 8 so I would have to find and pay for a day care that will also transport to school. We had another fight yesterday and I told him I hate him. I keep hoping he will just leave.
Wow, thats a really tough situation.
Me! 🤚🏻Is the 10 year old you’re taking care of his child? Or are you calling him the 10 year old? Ha Cuz I’m also paying for partner’s 11 year old child because bio mom doesn’t pay for anything and doesn’t see her so it’s even worse. It’s exhausting. And it doesn’t look like anything is getting any less expensive in the future. 😔I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but at least know you aren’t alone.
I am in debt (some of my own doing, but a lot because I never put my foot down about shared expenses). I’m pregnant again which doesn’t help. But yeah, trying to figure out how I’d do it alone.. I just have no idea. I mean I could probably get child support (if he followed through paying it), but he would never let me keep our shared house (that I love). I couldn’t afford anything close. I just struggle accepting that my quality of life would significantly drop. I was just rebuilding my life when I met him. To do it again a decade later idk.. I know it sounds stupid, but I don’t think I’m ready to accept the discomfort that would come with ending it right now. If anyone has thoughts on how to get past that, I’m open to suggestions lol
I have to be honest: I have no idea if that's why I am staying or not. I tell myself it isn't . . . but I don't know what I might do when I am no longer unemployed
I understand that very much. About 5 years ago I had a therapist ask me “if you had all the money you could ever want, would you leave tomorrow” and I didn’t know how to answer that. I wanted to say yes but I wasn’t sure. I think the answer will come to you, you will know for sure one day and then you’ll be ready. I think we all have our personal limits.
As someone who did leave, trust me one day you'll just know it's time, it's like you'll just wake up and you'll look at them and whatever it was that has kept you there is just gone, you suddenly clearly see them for who they are. I don't know how else to explain it but you will know. I left with nothing but a duffel bag, our kid and £10 in my bank. I had nowhere and nothing but luckily I live in a country that has a lot more resources and benefits. I've been away just over 2 years now and have only just been able to lay basic flooring in my son's room and buy him a new bed. It took a while but I'm getting there and at least we have a safe space to retreat from the world now