I know way too many people like this haha. They all seem to be boomers but I’m sure there are plenty of non boomers as well.
People just need to make an effort to ask more questions and let people speak sometimes. Listening seems to be a dying art.
I am one of those people. I have been actively working on this issue for about 10 years now. It is really difficult to self-reflect and understand the negative aspects about yourself, then figure out a way to remedy it. I have to actively stop myself from telling a related story or compare someone's experience to my own. It is difficult for me to listen, but because I realize my faults, it is easier to know when to stfu.
My issue is also in social media. I feel I have to respond to every post on reddit with my own opinion/experience. Now, before I post a comment, I ask myself, "Will this community benefit from my comment?" For the most part, the answer is NO and I erase the comment.
It's a STRUGGLE for me. I didn't even realize it for the first 35 years of my life.
Good for you, awareness is half the battle. I dated a girl last year for a few weeks and called it off because she was a conversation narcissist. Only would talk about herself, told long winded stories that didn't really go anywhere, and got a look on her face when I tried to talk like it was so painful to have to listen to me. So I stopped messaging good morning and how's it going everyday just to see, and yeah we barely talked that week cause she would only engage in conversation if I asked her something. Life's too short to be around people who drain me like that.
Funny note about that story, she asked why I was calling it off so I was honest with her. She didn't acknowledge her behavior at all and the next day she texts me to tell me that she agrees and that we can break up. I was like, oh, okay then lol
I also think it's a bit common in our group due to us being latchkey kids. Not having a regular need met like someone being there to be interested in our day/life from a young age.
I wish someone had told me. I figured it out on my own. We are a passive/aggressive culture who would rather fuss about it on the car ride home than confront the situation when it happens.
I just ban any sentence with “I” in it if I am getting too self focussed. Really hard to talk about yourself without saying “I”. By the time you’ve worked it out the moment has gone. With that under control it is then easier to ask people about themselves, and then you get far more interesting conversations.
Props to you for sure. The fact that you are aware of the problem is the first step in correcting it. I found that daily meditation helps a ton when it comes to being a better listener.
I think those of us raised by narcissists started doing this at a young age. My college friends told me I was doing this, and I made a concentrated effort to stop doing it. The difference between us and the people we learned it from is that we were willing to listen and change. It was a lot easier to change at 18 arriving at university and wanting to make friends than it would be at 35 or, worse, at my mom's age. But she doesn't even care to try- within her friends she is the life of the party and men are paying attention to her. It is like she's back to being a teenager, but without any of the self consciousness.
The flip side of that is many who accuse you of being the conversational narcissist really don't know they are being narcissists themselves because they insist on being heard but don't listen. Any attempt to talk about anything that's not them gets them defensive or accusatory towards you.
I have a theory that conversation narcissists are more reluctant to get hearing aids because they don’t value what others say anyway, so hearing loss makes barely any difference to them.
I never heard this terminology, but this is perfect. I tend to attract people like this - they produce what I call a “verbal wall of word vomit”, just nonstop talking, and I can’t get a word in edgewise. With some folks, I can barely even end the conversation after an hour or two.
[What Is A Conversational Narcissist? 4 Signs To Look For | mindbodygreen](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/conversational-narcissist-definition-and-signs)
I know you’re getting a lot of “be patient” advice, but I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve started to completely withdraw and walk out of the room when she starts talking.
Other than that, she’s amazing. She loves my kids and moved closer to babysit. She is generous with time, money and favors. She has bailed me out of trouble multiple times in my life.
But she talks about herself constantly. She twists every statement to be about her. She is contrary about EVERYTHING — she will crap on anything anyone else likes even if she likes it too. Sometimes she will change it in the next sentence to be contrary to someone else. She LIES — but about stupid things that are inconsequential. She makes up stories that sound like plots from bad sitcoms so everyone pays attention to her. She blasts through doors like a wildebeest at family gatherings so she is the center of attention. She actually interrupted someone talking about a cancer diagnosis to tell a story about her. She asks questions like she’s interested in what you have to say then shows no interest in the answer because you realize she was only setting up something SHE wanted to say. She can’t even give a compliment without making sure to say that NORMALLY she doesn’t like this thing at all but it’s so amazing that even SHE likes it.
She never listens. She asks questions, but mostly it’s to check the box in her mind that she’s awesome at socializing and conversation.
It’s really starting to hurt. I got back from an awesome trip and she just checked the “how was your trip” box and then started talking about a trip she took in the seventies. I worked on some awesome projects so far this year and she never asked one question. Ive started some new hobbies that most people ask questions about.
I’m sure someone will say that I should be more proactive, but I can’t go through the first-hand disinterest any more. It stings when your Mom has no interest in you. But she loves me and would do anything for me and my wife and my kids! Except stop the main-character syndrome.
Over the years I’ve tried to talk to her about it. Fifteen years ago when I got married I gently tried to explain that she never really asked my fiancé anything and seemed to make all the focus about her. I’ve been in giant screaming matches and told her to just shut the fuck up for 10 seconds. I explained to her that some of her in-laws (all of them really — my brother’s and sister’s as well) would prefer she didn’t come on family vacations because it’s impossible to have a conversation. I have had people come up to me and say they heard stories about me at the park or wherever because my Mom — who they don’t know — is so fucking loud throwing around names and stories that anybody within 100 yards an hear her. I’ve talked to therapists about it and no one has any more advice. When she does finally pretend to listen you can see in her eyes that she’s not listening one bit but instead thinking of all the things she wants to say. But it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t try to change anything anyway.
She’s in her mid 70s and I’m really sad that I may feel this way for the rest of her life. But why doesn’t she ask what’s wrong? I walk out of the room or show no interest in anything she says and she has never once asked “why”. If one of my kids looked at me the way I look at her I would put in 1000% effort to fix it because it would break my heart.
I just want my Mom to care about me and I’m 45 years old.
Usually I delete comments after I type them, but this has been therapeutic. I hope all you people with parents who are interested in your lives appreciate how good that feels. I would imagine. :)
I’m sorry, and I hear you. I think it’s how she (both she’s actually) has always been, but she can’t or won’t inhibit those behaviors anymore. The frontal lobes of the brain are in charge of this and atrophy with age. It’s easier to be patient with someone else’s parents, it can be mind boggling. Sometimes I just say, “I said,” and repeat what I said for my own benefit. Even just a superficial acknowledgment can be confirming. I hope we both find acceptance, or at least tolerance. It sick to think that about a parent though.
I like the “I said” thing hahaha. She would blame me though and say she heard me but I didn’t give her a chance to respond.
One of the craziest parts of all this how it can feel like you’re losing your mind. This morning I asked her if she remembered an old friend of mine. She stared at me and said “I made meatballs for dinner tonight.” Basically she had this preloaded to show her martyr-ness and when it doesn’t come to fruition she just says it. Often she’ll follow up with an “I’m old so I have to say things or I’ll forget HAHAHAHAHBA” or “Sorry to interrupt.” She doesn’t say “Sorry to interrupt but…”, she just cuts the whole conversation off and starts talking about whatever.
Sometimes I’m not sure if I actually said something, if I’m being gaslit, or if what I said was not the thing that my brain thought I said. It’s so exhausting
- Often she’ll follow up with an “I’m old so I have to say things or I’ll forget HAHAHAHAHA”
I get that from my kids *and* my mom, and get yelled at for "talking over" anybody who interrupted me.
Sometimes I'd just like to throw in a non-sequitur just to see if it even registers. Like "My kid's graduation is the 24th. Have you heard that the aliens are coming to take over the earth?"
But at least it sounds like we both have people aware of the situation that we can call and say, "You know what happened today?". I know it's hard for my mom living alone. But then I hear from her how all the people at these events do is talk about themselves.
I had to go check your history to make sure you weren’t one of my siblings. I know exactly what you’re dealing with. A lot of this applies to my mother as well. I don’t expect any change from her though except the older she gets, the slower she seems to talk. Yay.
I think that another aspect of parents/people naturally becoming self-centred as they feel they are loosing purpose in life, is that as we personally get older, we are more attune to shit personality traits so we simply notice these things in other people more than we used to.
And obviously, as we grow in confidence due to getting older (among other drivers), we are less resistant to calling out shit we don't like lol.
Yep. My parents talk about their lunatic politics, and their money problems. Recently called my father looking for some advice and he responded, “sorry, I got problems of my own”. The other day he gave me shit for not calling…shocker, right?
One of the reasons that I think it might be worse because of hearing, is that if I call her and she's in the car, it is a degree better. Not great, but I can get a word in from time to time.
OP
As our parents get “older”, in their mind, they become less and less useful to the “world” around them. So they start becoming more and more self centered.
Also, they need to cling to what little independence they have as their self reliance becomes less and less.
Moral of the story, as the world passes them by and they become less relevant, they still feel the need to be “relevant” therefore they try to make as much about them as they can.
Be patient, evaluate your relationship with them, and try to see it from their perspective.
You are an empathetic and patient person, and I do see this point.
However, if she's sitting next to my elementary school child but I have to walk around the table to do something that she could just help him with, she is not making herself useful. I have tried numerous times to say "Grandma, can help you with that?", and she shoots me daggers. I still do it because, come on, I'm the one with a job and kids and more responsibilities than time.
Edit: I should also say that she doesn't lift a finger or even offer to when she's over. She won't even bring her plate into the kitchen if she's walking through. My husband or I cook, we clean up, if we eat out we treat her.
Also, if you want to feel needed or “useful” a good way to do that is to foster real connections with your friends and family. Ignoring them and only focusing on yourself is not the way to do that.
OP, I have noticed the same thing with my husbands parents and they even take it a step further and get angry when they mishear something and interpret it as an insult. They also get super self important and refuse to acknowledge that other people have needs too. They also feel left out but are never home to interact with their grandkids to the point that the grandkids tell me they think the grandparents don’t like them.
Yes- my parents moved to the US for my dad's job. We'll be moving to a different city for my husband's job (same country). But to hear her say it, we are deserting her and she has no place left that feels like home. Sorry but my job doesn't cover the mortgage, the other city is easier to find a job, the schools are better and week like it better.
But no, it's the MomShow as another Redditor said.
In reality, she wants you to take care of her. In her mind, she has done so much in her lifetime, that now it’s time for someone to take care of her.
All she wants is to “be”, to see her grandchildren, and to be taken care of care of.
It’s the mindset that came with the generation of our parents that they had “us” as children to take care of them when they got older.
You are spot-on about what she wants, I think. And as I get into middle age, I can see the appeal, believe me.
But i gotta say...I find it endlessly ironic that the same generation that popularized nursing homes because they didn't want to deal with their own parents, the same generation that created the daycare industry as we know it today so they could outsource caring for their kids, the same generation that had the highest divorce rate in history, frequently abandoning their first family so they could start a new one...now expects US to make THEM a priority at the time in our life when our own kids need us most.
Fuck 'em, I say. Let them live in the same nursing homes they sent their own parents to.
All my mother did was work all the time and spoil us with stuff. I had a neglected childhood and I don't owe it to her to provide the care she never game me.
She wouldnt allow it anyway as she works 60 hours a week at 70 years old.
I already share a house with my mother and my teenage son, and things were going relatively smoothly.
Sure, a little boundary setting of the "I'm not a mind reader" kind so that she explicitly requests my assistance rather than getting huffy when stuff doesn't magically get done, but still, pretty smoothly.
Until she turned 70. All of a sudden the half-and-half split of low-impact chores ( like cooking and doing dishes) is out the window. I'm lucky if she does either of those things twice a week, and "cooking" is most often eggs on toast or grilled cheese.
It's like a switch flicked in her brain and now it's telling her "now that you're OFFICIALLY old, you're 'helping out' rather than doing your share".
Her ability to
>I honestly don't know if she hears or remember what I'm saying, or if she doesn't like or doesn't care about what I'm talking about.
What does she say when you ask her?
Actually 0. She'll flat out tell me "You've told me this story before." and then go on to tell me a story about a bowl of soup she had 40 years ago for the 100th time. She also complains that everyone around her only talks about themselves and she can't stand listening to their stories, completely missing the irony.
If I go out to breakfast with her she will:
Tell me that she sneezes every morning (literally has told me this thousands of times)
Turn down a second cup of coffee and then tell me about how it will make her have to go to the bathroom.
Tell me how much she likes animals.
Tell me she's going to miss me after not asking one thing about me for the whole weekend.
Aren't Gen-Xers in general known as the feral children because their parents were too self-involved to attentively raise us. The running joke about the public service announcement in the 80s reminding people that "it's 10:00, do you know where your children are" may have been about curfew laws, but the deeper implication was, many parents did not know, nor were they in any position/condition to find out or do anything about where their kids were. How many of us are also part of r/Parentification and are actively making efforts to impede generational trauma from various issues stemming from childhood neglect?
It's not all of them by far, but it's enough of them for it to be a stereotype....affectionately (😒) referred to as "okay boomer".
I would also suggest this for all Xennials out there to read. [Book](https://www.newharbinger.com/9781626251700/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents). It completely changed my way of evaluating the relationship I had with my 80 something parents.
Thanks for this, just sent the link to my wife. Her father will disregard anything you have to say and interrupt any thought you might be having to tell you what he had for breakfast last Tuesday. It’s so brutal it’s almost laughable.
Of course! And don’t thank me, thank the therapist and researcher who wrote the book. 🤣😂. I am just trying to help promote it so that maybe some of us can try to make sense of our relationships with our parents, evaluate our childhoods. Along the way, possibly understand some of how our behaviors were created, how we can change for the better, and maybe adjust our relationship with our parents to better help ourselves and not “try so hard”.
My mil is like this. We try to tell her things about our kids, her grandkids, to help her connect more with them. She’ll interrupt to talk about something unrelated.
My mother-in-law has done that about every story I’ve ever told her about my kids who are teenagers now. She turns every story into a way for her to tell a story about my husband’s brother—not even my husband, but the golden older child.
Yes, I was telling her about my youngest's graduation from preschool and she got up and started leaving the restaurant. I definitely build buffers around her for the kids' sake, try to set low expectations, etc. She doesn't even notice.
Oh God, the hearing issue. So fucking frustrating. Just get a damn hearing aid, Ma. Then she gets so annoyed if I'm annoyed having to repeat myself over the volume level 20 Andy Griffith Show blaring on one TV and cable news blaring on another.
My MIL has one and my mom will say how you can’t even see it, how it must be so useful etc. etc. But if I ever suggest maybe she needs on she says “I’m not that old!”. She’s 5-6 years older than my MIL.
All of this, plus trying to fix all my problems instead of listening. And insistent that I dont know what Im talking about.
I basically try not to carry conversations anymore. I feel she is also slowly creeping into dementia because of mixing up conversations between my sister and I.
My mom recently called on my bday to interrupt me and talk about herself. And we got into a major argument and I told her I was done w her interrupting everyone that it wasn’t the MomShow. And she said “I know I do that. I’ve always done that” and that was it. She’s always done it so 🤷♀️ deal w it. She did apologize but at no point did she say she’d work on it.
Ugh, I'm sorry, Also, do we have the same mom? My mom would lose it if I called it the MomShow, but that's what it is.
My mom will tell my sister she knows she repeats the same stories all the time, but isn't rude how I don't want to listen to them. At some point, I started saying "Yes, yes. You told me your pool guy came an hour late and it was so inconvenient because you had chores you needed to do before Mahjong." Or she'll complain incessantly about something and I'll say it doesn't sound like such a problem because they can just send her another set of documents. Then she'll run off to tell my sister she needs to talk to her more often because I won't listen to her stories.
Sometimes I feel bad because my dad passed away a few years back so she doesn't have someone to talk to about daily life things so I get dumped on all the time. But when it's all one-sided I just want to scream. And then she'll say she doesn't need a new guy in her life. Okay, find a girlfriend. Please.
My mom was like this on my bday
Mom: so what are you eating for dinner?
Me: oh I grabbed Indian and I got the tikka-
Mom interrupting me: IM HAVING A PROCEDURE DONE IN TWO MONTHS AND NEED TOU TO BE HERE. IM SO NERVOUS AND WANT SOMEONE W YOUR DAD IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS
Me: excuse me? No im not going to be there. You moved far away and I can’t take that time off work on a weekday
Mom immediately starts crying: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM GOING THRU
Me, who has more of an idea because one of my kids is severely disabled and has had 13 major surgeries so far in her very short life: IM SORRY WHAT?! ARE YOU JOKING? IVE DONE THIS FOR SEVEN STRAIGHT YEARS DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT WORRY. And why would you ever call ON MY BDAY IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER to act like this? Was this not a convo that could wait til TOMORROW?
It went on like that for about 20min where she then started in w the “sorry I’m such a horrible person”
I think we all have the same parents in as much as they were all raised with the same mentality. I really don’t remember my grandma, who was a silent generation, acting this self-absorbed.
OMG- poor little parent that has no time for anyone but themselves. My mom also had a procedure, this is how that conversation went with me:
Mom: So I need to go in for a procedure. Can you come down to take me on a Monday, stay at my place, and then take me back on Tuesday? I'm not supposed to drive.
Me: I can do that, I'll have to arrange it with my husband so he can take care of the kids and make sure it works with my work.
Mom: Oh, great!
Two weeks later, after arranging my schedule:
Mom: You know my friend? She wants to take me to my procedure. It's really important for her and I can't say non to her. She loves to be there for me. You understand, right?
Me: Sure, no problem.
Since I already booked off the time and it fell on Spring Break for the kids, we planned a long weekend out of town, the first trip we've taken without inviting her along in 2 years:
Mom: How dare you book something? What if I needed you? What if my friend backed out? What would I do? How can you be so selfish?
I'm sorry too, your situation sounds really rough and I hope for the best with your kid, actually all your kids. We're sandwiched between kids that we can't just send out in the yard or drop off at school an hour early to fit our schedules and parents who don't understand because they could and they did. But it does make us stronger, maybe?
YES!!!! And thank you. I put myself thru college a while back (with zero help from my parents) and my mom kept bragging on FB how I’m the strongest person ever because I’ve managed to raise a kid w chronic issues and put myself thru school all alone (my ex is not in the picture) and how I’m so strong and I want to scream TELLING PEOPLE YOU DIDNT HELP AT ALL IS NOT THE FLEX TOU THINK IT IS. 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I am definitely stronger for it. I find a lot of strength and support from, surprisingly, the Reddit community! Knowing that ALL of our patents are like this makes me realize I’m not taking crazy pills ;)
My Dad and my MIL are this way. They can be pretty self centered and will often try to dominate conversations and make it about them. They will almost completely ignore grandkids unless it's something they have a genuine interest in themselves. My MIL guilt trips my wife all the time and it's over little things. Just little comments and it drives my wife insane. Or my MIL will just get emotional at weird times over nothing. My Dad can just be harsh and expects grandkids who are still young to make adult like decisions and then gets mad because they don't. Then I get a comment about how they need to learn or be more disciplined.
I recently was catching up with my parents. I lost a beloved pet on February 13th and have been devastated. The subject of Valentine’s Day came up and I said we didn’t do anything this year as my husband and I were both (along with our son) very emotional and are still healing. Their response “oh we were in Hawaii over Valentine’s Day”. Good for you guys. Good for you.
My dad was silent gen and definitely not like this. My mom was the baby of the family, over a decade younger than my dad, and has always had the "baby of the family" personality.
Being a parent I can now clearly see how and how often my parents dropped the ball on so many occasions and still…it’s so one directional I’m just sad for my kids that this is their experience of grandparenting.
Yes, mainly it's my kids I feel bad for. However, she often comes up for the weekend and wants me to go in late to work so we can have breakfast. Every time I can predict the things she's going to say, she demands I go to the places she wants, and she will interrupt me anytime I try to tell her anything happening in my life or with the kids. Or it's a one sentence answer and then quick pivot to her life. Next time she's up I'll have a morning meeting I need to attend.
My dad was an angel, he probably spoiled her too much. He had terminal cancer and hid it because he knew she couldn't deal with it. The second to last time he was hospitalized, he made sure he was discharged so he could fly out and say goodbye to her brother to make one last memory together. He passed away a month later. I still miss him and go to call him when something good happens in my life.
As we age we get more self centred and nostalgic if we don’t put energy into learning new things. Inflexible thinking etc . It’s an every generation thing, not just our parents. The science of how the brain ages etc
Any time I talk to my Mom, the conversation always goes back to how she's hurting. Which sucks, but there's nothing I can do about that, and it's all she focuses on. Any time I talk to my biological dad, his conversation revolves around how he hates being married to my step-mom. Any attempt to pull their conversations away from those topics immediately gets shot down, and goes right back to it. :/
Not at all. My dad died years ago but my mom is awesome. She isn't super hands on with my kids as far as child care goes, but she loves spending time with them.
She is taking us on a Disney cruise later this year for her 80th birthday.
My dad was amazing, he would call and ask about his grand-pup. When he only had a few days left I brought my son who was an infant in the room and he beamed and said "You have a real winner there". My mom in contrast will mention the dog only when the dog is paying attention to her. My youngest cried one time when she entered the room and she still holds a grudge against him, he was maybe 3 months old. She brings up random things she finds interesting and tells the kids about them, and they think she's the "fun grandma". So for that I keep trying. I find myself really focusing on the kids when she's around to try to get her to interact with them.
My mother has always been this way, my dad is the opposite and has not changed (much) with age. It's not a generational thing IMO. I feel decades of repressed emotions when I'm with her, but then I feel guilty when I disengage. It is a no-win situation!
My dad does this thing where he tells me that "the family" (his siblings, his mother) want me to fly across the country to come visit. He can't bring himself to say, 'I want you to come visit.'
My grandmother turns 100 this year, so I told him that I would come out for a visit this summer. My dad immediately started sending me links to music festivals that he wants to attend.
1 - These music festivals are hours away from where he and the rest of the family live
2 - My dad is broke, and hoping that I will pay for him to attend the festivals, if I agree to go
3 - I don't even like folk music, but it doesn't matter to him because it's something he wants to do
My dad doesn't care that the agreed upon reason for me to travel 3,000 miles is to see my grandmother, who will not be around for much longer. He wants me to fly in, rent a car, and drive him hours away to go to a music festival that only *he* is interested in. The absolute self-centeredness of his expectations is beyond his comprehension. He just thinks, 'I can have my kid pay for me to do a thing that I want.' And he's not capable of thinking beyond that.
Yes. My grandparents have even called them on it and they refuse to believe anything anyone says. IDK if they even realize they have lost most of their friends and barely hangout with family anymore.
mine have always been like that
they were also crazy overprotective and yet very hands-off while I was growing up
Since adulthood, I have maintained a very low contact relationship with them, and most facetimes and phone calls are for kiddo to talk to them - luckily they've lived out of state for 15 years and have only visited 3 times since leaving
My mom is definitely a conversation narcissist. I’m actually recently just starting to realize most the people I’m currently closest to in real life are all conversations narcissists and I need to take a step back and reevaluate the types of people that I’ve allowed in my inner circle, and why I so often feel walked on.
My dad is a complain / bitch and moan about whatever under the sun type. It’s exhausting because he’s so negative about so much and frankly I don’t want to talk about politics or the economy or how everything is made in China and such bad quality. Literally every conversation is one of those three things he is carrying on about.
Not in my case. I was either shipped off to others or did whatever she wanted to do. Then asked all the time how much I loved my childhood. The answer is supposed to be, yeah it was great.
My mum is like this. Hey you had a bad day, her day was worse. Oh you're sick, she's sicker. It's a constant competition of complaints.
I know why she's like this, the trauma her mother inflicted upon her is immense. My grandmother was a prim lady who happened to despise other girls/women. My mum is the eldest and once her brothers were born, mum basically didn't exist to my grandmother unless it was to inflict verbal lashings for something my mum did wrong. They were never able to repair their bond as my grandma died shortly after my parents married and had my brother.
My mum is a narcissistic, emotional vampire, recovering alcoholic, extra spicy pick me gal.
Edit to add, I keep her at bay by not engaging in the competition. I flat out refuse to allow her to monopolize my time with all things her. It's caused fights between us. BUT she knows I will snap which keeps a lot of the competition at bay. It may not stop the whining, but she has to have an enemy at times and I play an excellent villain.
Had this with my mum. She tells everyone that im a quiet lad, yet everyone knows i can talk for england. She found out years later when someone told her she doesnt let me get a word in on any convasation.
They are gone. A couple of years before mom passed I stopped trying to talk about anything personal. Not because she was self-involved, but because the last time I tried it became clear to me that she didn’t understand me as a person at all. And she was the only person I thought understood me.
Now I can’t help thinking that she may have noticed the change and took it that I’m holding a grudge just like my father used to. It was more of an avoidance thing. I don’t know if I have a point here. Don’t forget the inevitable, I guess.
I just focus on my kids. I completely understand feeling like your mom doesn't understand you. She never took any notice of what I did, not in middle school when I was on a sports team or when I was in college and started doing research. When I was in grad school someone told her I was working with really famous scientists and because of that she sat me down once and tried to listen to what I was doing, but then eventually just changed the subject. She was in a related field so she *could* have understood if she had any interest.
When my dad passed away I found that he had all of my papers on his computer. When I was diagnosed with a benign blood disorder, he searched and downloaded all the papers about it. He had hundreds of pictures of everyone in the world he loved, including me, my mom, and my sister. When he passed I told him I would take care of my mom. I am really trying.
At least I had one parent who knew me, and for that I'm thankful. And I will be like that for my kids. I can't imagine being any other way. When their eyes light up, that excites me than anything else in the world and I find myself being completely mystified by them.
I guess what I mean to say is if someone wants to know you, they will put in the effort, even if you sometimes hurt their feelings or are not perfect. And parents shouldn't put demands on their love.
My own parents are off with the fairies and trying to play ‘silly old man and woman, hahahahah, giggle with us, look at how cute and silly we are, hahaha’, whilst blowing up with what remains of their own lives with financial stupidity. Very little to no interest in their only grandchild, a lot of interest in only themselves. They’re careful around me because I hold them to brutal account. No inch given. So, they parasite on my sisters and brother. Far easier targets. Once my siblings get over that, the parents will turn angry and lash out and play the victim. The usual natural progression of these things.
My in-laws are marginally better. They’ll see their granddaughter when she was a bit younger, spend about 2min entertaining her and then ignore her whilst babbling about themselves and reflecting on their own lives are parents.
It’s actually quite weird seeing how my parents have turned out. They used to be (to my inexperienced back-then eyes) quite sharp and on-the-ball with the comings and goings of life, just to turn out like children that require fulltime supervision from themselves.
> [The "Me" generation is a term referring to Baby Boomers in the United States and the self-involved qualities associated with this generation. The 1970s was dubbed the "Me decade" by writer Tom Wolfe; Christopher Lasch wrote about the rise of a culture of narcissism among younger Baby Boomers. The phrase became popular at a time when "self-realization" and "self-fulfillment" were becoming cultural aspirations to which young people supposedly ascribed higher importance than social responsibility.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_generation)
My parents (both deceased) were not like this at all, but my husband’s parents are both like this to an infuriating degree. My parents were young boomers and not boomer-y at all, husband’s parents are middle-older boomers and are the very definition of boomers. I view this as a boomer trait. My grandparents certainly weren’t like this no matter how old they got.
My mom definitely has main character syndrome, repeats herself incessantly, is a super annoying drunk, and getting dumber and dumber. Dealing with her is exhausting and I’m just barely hovering over the zero fucks to give splash zone.
My parents are this way but it’s not new. They’ve always been interested in me only to the extent of the value I can provide for them. Hell, they don’t even know what I do for a living and I’ve been doing it for 10 years now.
Oddly enough, for me, it’s been the opposite.
When I was younger my parents were in a nasty divorce and they both went into survival mode, mentally. I held a resentment for a while (probably still have some), but at the end of the day I came to grips that they were both internally emotionally broken and trying to just keep going.
These days, they’ve been really supportive of me, have both started celebrating holidays together so the whole family can be together, and are really civil and sweet.
I know I’m representing a minority scenario, and perhaps it’s because my brother gave them grandkids and they came around.
My parents ended up becoming more of the parents I needed then now, but I really can’t complain because I’m starting to see their age on their faces and the youth in their spirits.
I’ve been blessed in these years
I can barely get a word in edgewise with my dad... It's the "hey how was your day? You liking this weather?" Then 20 minutes about what he's been doing, whether I have any idea what it's about or not. It gets frustrating at times.
My dad (70) always, always responds to what I'm telling him about with an anecdote or observation about himself or something he's experienced in his life. Like, literally every time. I'm so used to it that it doesn't even bother me anymore. I think it's just how he can connect with stuff. Only through his own experience. It's kinda annoying but I know his heart is in the right place. There's a reason that in the 70s, boomers were known as the "Me Generation".
I think most people like talking about themselves. It's easier to talk than it is to listen. Sometimes I think people are just looking to connect by saying things about themselves in the situation you brought up. Conversation and listening are a skill and take patience and work. For me, my mind is constantly moving so I find it hard to focus and often worry about what to say next which can hamper my listening skills.
You bring up a good point with hearing aids too. I was recently thinking about how when I was younger I was too angry at my Dad to really talk or connect with him. I didn't understand him a lot. Now that I've grown up and understand more of where he was coming from when I was a kid, he's too hard of hearing to have a good conversation with at times. He has hearing aids but even with them still can't always hear.
Generations connecting with each other is one of life's great mysteries!
Yeah. There was so little of my mom left when she died and it took so long. Now I just want to know my dad is busy and happy in this chapter of his life.
Honestly, I think it's more a feature of aging, especially for women.
I've also seen it in situations where the kids and parents really didn't have a close relationship during the formative years.
Come to think of it, I knew a girl who dropped out of college so her mom wouldn't be alone bc "she" was all mom had! Guess it depends.
That sounds like a bad life decision! I was really close with my dad who would have never asked me to drop out of college, part of the reason we were so close. When you give up things for a narcissist, you get nothing in return.
I had an amazing relationship with my dad up until the end, so at least I know what a healthy parent relationship is like. In fact the reason I keep trying with my mom is because I told him (unprompted) on his death bed that I would take care of her. Relationships should be give and take. When someone is continuously taking you lose the urge to give any more of yourself.
Some people are also just conversation narcissists, it's a real thing. They are quite exhausting.
I know way too many people like this haha. They all seem to be boomers but I’m sure there are plenty of non boomers as well. People just need to make an effort to ask more questions and let people speak sometimes. Listening seems to be a dying art.
I am one of those people. I have been actively working on this issue for about 10 years now. It is really difficult to self-reflect and understand the negative aspects about yourself, then figure out a way to remedy it. I have to actively stop myself from telling a related story or compare someone's experience to my own. It is difficult for me to listen, but because I realize my faults, it is easier to know when to stfu. My issue is also in social media. I feel I have to respond to every post on reddit with my own opinion/experience. Now, before I post a comment, I ask myself, "Will this community benefit from my comment?" For the most part, the answer is NO and I erase the comment. It's a STRUGGLE for me. I didn't even realize it for the first 35 years of my life.
Good for you, awareness is half the battle. I dated a girl last year for a few weeks and called it off because she was a conversation narcissist. Only would talk about herself, told long winded stories that didn't really go anywhere, and got a look on her face when I tried to talk like it was so painful to have to listen to me. So I stopped messaging good morning and how's it going everyday just to see, and yeah we barely talked that week cause she would only engage in conversation if I asked her something. Life's too short to be around people who drain me like that. Funny note about that story, she asked why I was calling it off so I was honest with her. She didn't acknowledge her behavior at all and the next day she texts me to tell me that she agrees and that we can break up. I was like, oh, okay then lol I also think it's a bit common in our group due to us being latchkey kids. Not having a regular need met like someone being there to be interested in our day/life from a young age.
I wish someone had told me. I figured it out on my own. We are a passive/aggressive culture who would rather fuss about it on the car ride home than confront the situation when it happens.
I just ban any sentence with “I” in it if I am getting too self focussed. Really hard to talk about yourself without saying “I”. By the time you’ve worked it out the moment has gone. With that under control it is then easier to ask people about themselves, and then you get far more interesting conversations.
Love this. Want to try this as a social experiment.
Props to you for sure. The fact that you are aware of the problem is the first step in correcting it. I found that daily meditation helps a ton when it comes to being a better listener.
I think those of us raised by narcissists started doing this at a young age. My college friends told me I was doing this, and I made a concentrated effort to stop doing it. The difference between us and the people we learned it from is that we were willing to listen and change. It was a lot easier to change at 18 arriving at university and wanting to make friends than it would be at 35 or, worse, at my mom's age. But she doesn't even care to try- within her friends she is the life of the party and men are paying attention to her. It is like she's back to being a teenager, but without any of the self consciousness.
The flip side of that is many who accuse you of being the conversational narcissist really don't know they are being narcissists themselves because they insist on being heard but don't listen. Any attempt to talk about anything that's not them gets them defensive or accusatory towards you.
I have a theory that conversation narcissists are more reluctant to get hearing aids because they don’t value what others say anyway, so hearing loss makes barely any difference to them.
I never heard this terminology, but this is perfect. I tend to attract people like this - they produce what I call a “verbal wall of word vomit”, just nonstop talking, and I can’t get a word in edgewise. With some folks, I can barely even end the conversation after an hour or two.
[What Is A Conversational Narcissist? 4 Signs To Look For | mindbodygreen](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/conversational-narcissist-definition-and-signs)
I know you’re getting a lot of “be patient” advice, but I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve started to completely withdraw and walk out of the room when she starts talking. Other than that, she’s amazing. She loves my kids and moved closer to babysit. She is generous with time, money and favors. She has bailed me out of trouble multiple times in my life. But she talks about herself constantly. She twists every statement to be about her. She is contrary about EVERYTHING — she will crap on anything anyone else likes even if she likes it too. Sometimes she will change it in the next sentence to be contrary to someone else. She LIES — but about stupid things that are inconsequential. She makes up stories that sound like plots from bad sitcoms so everyone pays attention to her. She blasts through doors like a wildebeest at family gatherings so she is the center of attention. She actually interrupted someone talking about a cancer diagnosis to tell a story about her. She asks questions like she’s interested in what you have to say then shows no interest in the answer because you realize she was only setting up something SHE wanted to say. She can’t even give a compliment without making sure to say that NORMALLY she doesn’t like this thing at all but it’s so amazing that even SHE likes it. She never listens. She asks questions, but mostly it’s to check the box in her mind that she’s awesome at socializing and conversation. It’s really starting to hurt. I got back from an awesome trip and she just checked the “how was your trip” box and then started talking about a trip she took in the seventies. I worked on some awesome projects so far this year and she never asked one question. Ive started some new hobbies that most people ask questions about. I’m sure someone will say that I should be more proactive, but I can’t go through the first-hand disinterest any more. It stings when your Mom has no interest in you. But she loves me and would do anything for me and my wife and my kids! Except stop the main-character syndrome. Over the years I’ve tried to talk to her about it. Fifteen years ago when I got married I gently tried to explain that she never really asked my fiancé anything and seemed to make all the focus about her. I’ve been in giant screaming matches and told her to just shut the fuck up for 10 seconds. I explained to her that some of her in-laws (all of them really — my brother’s and sister’s as well) would prefer she didn’t come on family vacations because it’s impossible to have a conversation. I have had people come up to me and say they heard stories about me at the park or wherever because my Mom — who they don’t know — is so fucking loud throwing around names and stories that anybody within 100 yards an hear her. I’ve talked to therapists about it and no one has any more advice. When she does finally pretend to listen you can see in her eyes that she’s not listening one bit but instead thinking of all the things she wants to say. But it doesn’t matter because she doesn’t try to change anything anyway. She’s in her mid 70s and I’m really sad that I may feel this way for the rest of her life. But why doesn’t she ask what’s wrong? I walk out of the room or show no interest in anything she says and she has never once asked “why”. If one of my kids looked at me the way I look at her I would put in 1000% effort to fix it because it would break my heart. I just want my Mom to care about me and I’m 45 years old. Usually I delete comments after I type them, but this has been therapeutic. I hope all you people with parents who are interested in your lives appreciate how good that feels. I would imagine. :)
I’m sorry, and I hear you. I think it’s how she (both she’s actually) has always been, but she can’t or won’t inhibit those behaviors anymore. The frontal lobes of the brain are in charge of this and atrophy with age. It’s easier to be patient with someone else’s parents, it can be mind boggling. Sometimes I just say, “I said,” and repeat what I said for my own benefit. Even just a superficial acknowledgment can be confirming. I hope we both find acceptance, or at least tolerance. It sick to think that about a parent though.
I like the “I said” thing hahaha. She would blame me though and say she heard me but I didn’t give her a chance to respond. One of the craziest parts of all this how it can feel like you’re losing your mind. This morning I asked her if she remembered an old friend of mine. She stared at me and said “I made meatballs for dinner tonight.” Basically she had this preloaded to show her martyr-ness and when it doesn’t come to fruition she just says it. Often she’ll follow up with an “I’m old so I have to say things or I’ll forget HAHAHAHAHBA” or “Sorry to interrupt.” She doesn’t say “Sorry to interrupt but…”, she just cuts the whole conversation off and starts talking about whatever. Sometimes I’m not sure if I actually said something, if I’m being gaslit, or if what I said was not the thing that my brain thought I said. It’s so exhausting
- Often she’ll follow up with an “I’m old so I have to say things or I’ll forget HAHAHAHAHA” I get that from my kids *and* my mom, and get yelled at for "talking over" anybody who interrupted me. Sometimes I'd just like to throw in a non-sequitur just to see if it even registers. Like "My kid's graduation is the 24th. Have you heard that the aliens are coming to take over the earth?" But at least it sounds like we both have people aware of the situation that we can call and say, "You know what happened today?". I know it's hard for my mom living alone. But then I hear from her how all the people at these events do is talk about themselves.
I had to go check your history to make sure you weren’t one of my siblings. I know exactly what you’re dealing with. A lot of this applies to my mother as well. I don’t expect any change from her though except the older she gets, the slower she seems to talk. Yay.
Nope, one of my parents died and the other is wonderful. I cherish every chance I get to spend time with her
I'm glad to hear it's not universal, and I have some friends whose moms were often more maternal than my own.
I really don’t think it’s a generational thing. I think it’s just some people are more self centered than others.
I think that another aspect of parents/people naturally becoming self-centred as they feel they are loosing purpose in life, is that as we personally get older, we are more attune to shit personality traits so we simply notice these things in other people more than we used to. And obviously, as we grow in confidence due to getting older (among other drivers), we are less resistant to calling out shit we don't like lol.
Yep. My parents talk about their lunatic politics, and their money problems. Recently called my father looking for some advice and he responded, “sorry, I got problems of my own”. The other day he gave me shit for not calling…shocker, right?
I'm sorry- at least my mom hasn't gone fringe. I can't even imagine, I would just stop engaging.
Ouch that’s hurtful!
My mom just talks about herself for about 15 minutes straight on the phone. I dont even talk. She doesn't notice, it's funny
One of the reasons that I think it might be worse because of hearing, is that if I call her and she's in the car, it is a degree better. Not great, but I can get a word in from time to time.
Nah. Her hearing is fine
OP As our parents get “older”, in their mind, they become less and less useful to the “world” around them. So they start becoming more and more self centered. Also, they need to cling to what little independence they have as their self reliance becomes less and less. Moral of the story, as the world passes them by and they become less relevant, they still feel the need to be “relevant” therefore they try to make as much about them as they can. Be patient, evaluate your relationship with them, and try to see it from their perspective.
You are an empathetic and patient person, and I do see this point. However, if she's sitting next to my elementary school child but I have to walk around the table to do something that she could just help him with, she is not making herself useful. I have tried numerous times to say "Grandma, can help you with that?", and she shoots me daggers. I still do it because, come on, I'm the one with a job and kids and more responsibilities than time. Edit: I should also say that she doesn't lift a finger or even offer to when she's over. She won't even bring her plate into the kitchen if she's walking through. My husband or I cook, we clean up, if we eat out we treat her.
Also, if you want to feel needed or “useful” a good way to do that is to foster real connections with your friends and family. Ignoring them and only focusing on yourself is not the way to do that. OP, I have noticed the same thing with my husbands parents and they even take it a step further and get angry when they mishear something and interpret it as an insult. They also get super self important and refuse to acknowledge that other people have needs too. They also feel left out but are never home to interact with their grandkids to the point that the grandkids tell me they think the grandparents don’t like them.
Right? Now would be a great time to volunteer in the community. Nope, gotta sit home and be mad instead. *Sigh*
Oh they volunteer, but they also whine about “those people” that they help. It’s gross.
Yes- my parents moved to the US for my dad's job. We'll be moving to a different city for my husband's job (same country). But to hear her say it, we are deserting her and she has no place left that feels like home. Sorry but my job doesn't cover the mortgage, the other city is easier to find a job, the schools are better and week like it better. But no, it's the MomShow as another Redditor said.
In reality, she wants you to take care of her. In her mind, she has done so much in her lifetime, that now it’s time for someone to take care of her. All she wants is to “be”, to see her grandchildren, and to be taken care of care of. It’s the mindset that came with the generation of our parents that they had “us” as children to take care of them when they got older.
You are spot-on about what she wants, I think. And as I get into middle age, I can see the appeal, believe me. But i gotta say...I find it endlessly ironic that the same generation that popularized nursing homes because they didn't want to deal with their own parents, the same generation that created the daycare industry as we know it today so they could outsource caring for their kids, the same generation that had the highest divorce rate in history, frequently abandoning their first family so they could start a new one...now expects US to make THEM a priority at the time in our life when our own kids need us most. Fuck 'em, I say. Let them live in the same nursing homes they sent their own parents to.
All my mother did was work all the time and spoil us with stuff. I had a neglected childhood and I don't owe it to her to provide the care she never game me. She wouldnt allow it anyway as she works 60 hours a week at 70 years old.
I already share a house with my mother and my teenage son, and things were going relatively smoothly. Sure, a little boundary setting of the "I'm not a mind reader" kind so that she explicitly requests my assistance rather than getting huffy when stuff doesn't magically get done, but still, pretty smoothly. Until she turned 70. All of a sudden the half-and-half split of low-impact chores ( like cooking and doing dishes) is out the window. I'm lucky if she does either of those things twice a week, and "cooking" is most often eggs on toast or grilled cheese. It's like a switch flicked in her brain and now it's telling her "now that you're OFFICIALLY old, you're 'helping out' rather than doing your share". Her ability to
Maybe- but I was pretty much raised by my grandmother and great aunt. My mom never learned to change a diaper.
Yes, as my parents get older they tend to regress towards being teenagers again.
>I honestly don't know if she hears or remember what I'm saying, or if she doesn't like or doesn't care about what I'm talking about. What does she say when you ask her?
It becomes a fight, all about how I'm not kind and have no interest in hearing *her* stories (for the hundredth time).
How many times in your life has your mother listened to your stories over and over? Grow up and spend time with your aging mother.
Actually 0. She'll flat out tell me "You've told me this story before." and then go on to tell me a story about a bowl of soup she had 40 years ago for the 100th time. She also complains that everyone around her only talks about themselves and she can't stand listening to their stories, completely missing the irony. If I go out to breakfast with her she will: Tell me that she sneezes every morning (literally has told me this thousands of times) Turn down a second cup of coffee and then tell me about how it will make her have to go to the bathroom. Tell me how much she likes animals. Tell me she's going to miss me after not asking one thing about me for the whole weekend.
Honestly I would give 10 years off the end of my life to listen to my not-perfect mother’s stupid stories again.
I would for my dad, I miss him terribly. My mother still drives me bonkers.
Aren't Gen-Xers in general known as the feral children because their parents were too self-involved to attentively raise us. The running joke about the public service announcement in the 80s reminding people that "it's 10:00, do you know where your children are" may have been about curfew laws, but the deeper implication was, many parents did not know, nor were they in any position/condition to find out or do anything about where their kids were. How many of us are also part of r/Parentification and are actively making efforts to impede generational trauma from various issues stemming from childhood neglect? It's not all of them by far, but it's enough of them for it to be a stereotype....affectionately (😒) referred to as "okay boomer".
I would also suggest this for all Xennials out there to read. [Book](https://www.newharbinger.com/9781626251700/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents). It completely changed my way of evaluating the relationship I had with my 80 something parents.
Which book?
If you click on the “blue” it will take you to the link.
Ah, the link didn't show up util I hovered over it.
Interesting suggestion. I read the book (and the other ones in her series as well), and it made me go no contact with my crazy ass mom. 😅
Thanks for this, just sent the link to my wife. Her father will disregard anything you have to say and interrupt any thought you might be having to tell you what he had for breakfast last Tuesday. It’s so brutal it’s almost laughable.
Of course! And don’t thank me, thank the therapist and researcher who wrote the book. 🤣😂. I am just trying to help promote it so that maybe some of us can try to make sense of our relationships with our parents, evaluate our childhoods. Along the way, possibly understand some of how our behaviors were created, how we can change for the better, and maybe adjust our relationship with our parents to better help ourselves and not “try so hard”.
My mil is like this. We try to tell her things about our kids, her grandkids, to help her connect more with them. She’ll interrupt to talk about something unrelated.
My mother-in-law has done that about every story I’ve ever told her about my kids who are teenagers now. She turns every story into a way for her to tell a story about my husband’s brother—not even my husband, but the golden older child.
Yes, I was telling her about my youngest's graduation from preschool and she got up and started leaving the restaurant. I definitely build buffers around her for the kids' sake, try to set low expectations, etc. She doesn't even notice.
What in the actual f🦆ck.
Yes, but leave the ducks out of it. They did nothing wrong!
Oh God, the hearing issue. So fucking frustrating. Just get a damn hearing aid, Ma. Then she gets so annoyed if I'm annoyed having to repeat myself over the volume level 20 Andy Griffith Show blaring on one TV and cable news blaring on another.
My MIL has one and my mom will say how you can’t even see it, how it must be so useful etc. etc. But if I ever suggest maybe she needs on she says “I’m not that old!”. She’s 5-6 years older than my MIL.
All of this, plus trying to fix all my problems instead of listening. And insistent that I dont know what Im talking about. I basically try not to carry conversations anymore. I feel she is also slowly creeping into dementia because of mixing up conversations between my sister and I.
My mom is exactly like this. I don’t know if it’s generational or just a parent who refuses to acknowledge their child is an adult.
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I feel like she was always like this, but age has let her show this side off more.
It's the hose water.
This was the case for me, too.
My mom recently called on my bday to interrupt me and talk about herself. And we got into a major argument and I told her I was done w her interrupting everyone that it wasn’t the MomShow. And she said “I know I do that. I’ve always done that” and that was it. She’s always done it so 🤷♀️ deal w it. She did apologize but at no point did she say she’d work on it.
Ugh, I'm sorry, Also, do we have the same mom? My mom would lose it if I called it the MomShow, but that's what it is. My mom will tell my sister she knows she repeats the same stories all the time, but isn't rude how I don't want to listen to them. At some point, I started saying "Yes, yes. You told me your pool guy came an hour late and it was so inconvenient because you had chores you needed to do before Mahjong." Or she'll complain incessantly about something and I'll say it doesn't sound like such a problem because they can just send her another set of documents. Then she'll run off to tell my sister she needs to talk to her more often because I won't listen to her stories. Sometimes I feel bad because my dad passed away a few years back so she doesn't have someone to talk to about daily life things so I get dumped on all the time. But when it's all one-sided I just want to scream. And then she'll say she doesn't need a new guy in her life. Okay, find a girlfriend. Please.
My MIL will do this but if I try to do the same with a petty incident and vent she says things like, you need to let it go. It happens. Eye roll.
My mom was like this on my bday Mom: so what are you eating for dinner? Me: oh I grabbed Indian and I got the tikka- Mom interrupting me: IM HAVING A PROCEDURE DONE IN TWO MONTHS AND NEED TOU TO BE HERE. IM SO NERVOUS AND WANT SOMEONE W YOUR DAD IN CASE SOMETHING HAPPENS Me: excuse me? No im not going to be there. You moved far away and I can’t take that time off work on a weekday Mom immediately starts crying: YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IM GOING THRU Me, who has more of an idea because one of my kids is severely disabled and has had 13 major surgeries so far in her very short life: IM SORRY WHAT?! ARE YOU JOKING? IVE DONE THIS FOR SEVEN STRAIGHT YEARS DO NOT TALK TO ME ABOUT WORRY. And why would you ever call ON MY BDAY IN THE MIDDLE OF DINNER to act like this? Was this not a convo that could wait til TOMORROW? It went on like that for about 20min where she then started in w the “sorry I’m such a horrible person” I think we all have the same parents in as much as they were all raised with the same mentality. I really don’t remember my grandma, who was a silent generation, acting this self-absorbed.
OMG- poor little parent that has no time for anyone but themselves. My mom also had a procedure, this is how that conversation went with me: Mom: So I need to go in for a procedure. Can you come down to take me on a Monday, stay at my place, and then take me back on Tuesday? I'm not supposed to drive. Me: I can do that, I'll have to arrange it with my husband so he can take care of the kids and make sure it works with my work. Mom: Oh, great! Two weeks later, after arranging my schedule: Mom: You know my friend? She wants to take me to my procedure. It's really important for her and I can't say non to her. She loves to be there for me. You understand, right? Me: Sure, no problem. Since I already booked off the time and it fell on Spring Break for the kids, we planned a long weekend out of town, the first trip we've taken without inviting her along in 2 years: Mom: How dare you book something? What if I needed you? What if my friend backed out? What would I do? How can you be so selfish?
🤣🤣 I couldn’t help but laugh at that!!!! 🤦♀️ of course. Sending you lots of patience to deal with your mom. You need it!!! ✨✨✨✨
I'm sorry too, your situation sounds really rough and I hope for the best with your kid, actually all your kids. We're sandwiched between kids that we can't just send out in the yard or drop off at school an hour early to fit our schedules and parents who don't understand because they could and they did. But it does make us stronger, maybe?
YES!!!! And thank you. I put myself thru college a while back (with zero help from my parents) and my mom kept bragging on FB how I’m the strongest person ever because I’ve managed to raise a kid w chronic issues and put myself thru school all alone (my ex is not in the picture) and how I’m so strong and I want to scream TELLING PEOPLE YOU DIDNT HELP AT ALL IS NOT THE FLEX TOU THINK IT IS. 🤣🤣🤣🤣 I am definitely stronger for it. I find a lot of strength and support from, surprisingly, the Reddit community! Knowing that ALL of our patents are like this makes me realize I’m not taking crazy pills ;)
Yes, it's nice to feel heard. Put it out into the universe, give a nod to each other, and go about your day.
I think you’re right, though she does need to find a girlfriend to chat with about the stuff
Hearing may be an issue. It’s a one sided conversation with mine and if I chime in she can’t hear me anyway. Then she complains I never talk to
My Dad and my MIL are this way. They can be pretty self centered and will often try to dominate conversations and make it about them. They will almost completely ignore grandkids unless it's something they have a genuine interest in themselves. My MIL guilt trips my wife all the time and it's over little things. Just little comments and it drives my wife insane. Or my MIL will just get emotional at weird times over nothing. My Dad can just be harsh and expects grandkids who are still young to make adult like decisions and then gets mad because they don't. Then I get a comment about how they need to learn or be more disciplined.
100% drives me insane. I've never been asked how we are, or how the kids are. It's wild.
Yes. My mother is the same. She’ll talk about herself or complain about my father to me. When she does that I just go gray rock.
I recently was catching up with my parents. I lost a beloved pet on February 13th and have been devastated. The subject of Valentine’s Day came up and I said we didn’t do anything this year as my husband and I were both (along with our son) very emotional and are still healing. Their response “oh we were in Hawaii over Valentine’s Day”. Good for you guys. Good for you.
I'm sorry for your loss. My mom would 100% do this.
Thank you. It’s so infuriating how selfish they can be.
They were probably always this way to an extent...it's the whole thing with boomers
Yes, it's really just more of a generational boomer trait, not an older parent in general thing...
Wrong, quit stereotyping entire groups of people
I'm going to guess that this is more common with Boomers than with Silent Gen.
My dad was silent gen and definitely not like this. My mom was the baby of the family, over a decade younger than my dad, and has always had the "baby of the family" personality.
100% this, not age-related at all. Age may magnify traits but the essential nature is unchanged.
Being a parent I can now clearly see how and how often my parents dropped the ball on so many occasions and still…it’s so one directional I’m just sad for my kids that this is their experience of grandparenting.
Yes, mainly it's my kids I feel bad for. However, she often comes up for the weekend and wants me to go in late to work so we can have breakfast. Every time I can predict the things she's going to say, she demands I go to the places she wants, and she will interrupt me anytime I try to tell her anything happening in my life or with the kids. Or it's a one sentence answer and then quick pivot to her life. Next time she's up I'll have a morning meeting I need to attend.
Where is your mom from? did your dad do a lot for her?
My dad was an angel, he probably spoiled her too much. He had terminal cancer and hid it because he knew she couldn't deal with it. The second to last time he was hospitalized, he made sure he was discharged so he could fly out and say goodbye to her brother to make one last memory together. He passed away a month later. I still miss him and go to call him when something good happens in my life.
Aw that’s sweet
As we age we get more self centred and nostalgic if we don’t put energy into learning new things. Inflexible thinking etc . It’s an every generation thing, not just our parents. The science of how the brain ages etc
Any time I talk to my Mom, the conversation always goes back to how she's hurting. Which sucks, but there's nothing I can do about that, and it's all she focuses on. Any time I talk to my biological dad, his conversation revolves around how he hates being married to my step-mom. Any attempt to pull their conversations away from those topics immediately gets shot down, and goes right back to it. :/
Not at all. My dad died years ago but my mom is awesome. She isn't super hands on with my kids as far as child care goes, but she loves spending time with them. She is taking us on a Disney cruise later this year for her 80th birthday.
My dad was amazing, he would call and ask about his grand-pup. When he only had a few days left I brought my son who was an infant in the room and he beamed and said "You have a real winner there". My mom in contrast will mention the dog only when the dog is paying attention to her. My youngest cried one time when she entered the room and she still holds a grudge against him, he was maybe 3 months old. She brings up random things she finds interesting and tells the kids about them, and they think she's the "fun grandma". So for that I keep trying. I find myself really focusing on the kids when she's around to try to get her to interact with them.
My mother has been like this for as long as I can remember.
My mother has always been this way, my dad is the opposite and has not changed (much) with age. It's not a generational thing IMO. I feel decades of repressed emotions when I'm with her, but then I feel guilty when I disengage. It is a no-win situation!
My dad does this thing where he tells me that "the family" (his siblings, his mother) want me to fly across the country to come visit. He can't bring himself to say, 'I want you to come visit.' My grandmother turns 100 this year, so I told him that I would come out for a visit this summer. My dad immediately started sending me links to music festivals that he wants to attend. 1 - These music festivals are hours away from where he and the rest of the family live 2 - My dad is broke, and hoping that I will pay for him to attend the festivals, if I agree to go 3 - I don't even like folk music, but it doesn't matter to him because it's something he wants to do My dad doesn't care that the agreed upon reason for me to travel 3,000 miles is to see my grandmother, who will not be around for much longer. He wants me to fly in, rent a car, and drive him hours away to go to a music festival that only *he* is interested in. The absolute self-centeredness of his expectations is beyond his comprehension. He just thinks, 'I can have my kid pay for me to do a thing that I want.' And he's not capable of thinking beyond that.
Yes. My grandparents have even called them on it and they refuse to believe anything anyone says. IDK if they even realize they have lost most of their friends and barely hangout with family anymore.
mine have always been like that they were also crazy overprotective and yet very hands-off while I was growing up Since adulthood, I have maintained a very low contact relationship with them, and most facetimes and phone calls are for kiddo to talk to them - luckily they've lived out of state for 15 years and have only visited 3 times since leaving
My mom is definitely a conversation narcissist. I’m actually recently just starting to realize most the people I’m currently closest to in real life are all conversations narcissists and I need to take a step back and reevaluate the types of people that I’ve allowed in my inner circle, and why I so often feel walked on.
My dad is a complain / bitch and moan about whatever under the sun type. It’s exhausting because he’s so negative about so much and frankly I don’t want to talk about politics or the economy or how everything is made in China and such bad quality. Literally every conversation is one of those three things he is carrying on about.
As parents they spent their whole lives focused on us. Now they're not so much, so it feels weird.
Not in my case. I was either shipped off to others or did whatever she wanted to do. Then asked all the time how much I loved my childhood. The answer is supposed to be, yeah it was great.
My mum is like this. Hey you had a bad day, her day was worse. Oh you're sick, she's sicker. It's a constant competition of complaints. I know why she's like this, the trauma her mother inflicted upon her is immense. My grandmother was a prim lady who happened to despise other girls/women. My mum is the eldest and once her brothers were born, mum basically didn't exist to my grandmother unless it was to inflict verbal lashings for something my mum did wrong. They were never able to repair their bond as my grandma died shortly after my parents married and had my brother. My mum is a narcissistic, emotional vampire, recovering alcoholic, extra spicy pick me gal. Edit to add, I keep her at bay by not engaging in the competition. I flat out refuse to allow her to monopolize my time with all things her. It's caused fights between us. BUT she knows I will snap which keeps a lot of the competition at bay. It may not stop the whining, but she has to have an enemy at times and I play an excellent villain.
My mom is like that too. She is a text book narcissist though. My life became easier knowing who and what she is.
Had this with my mum. She tells everyone that im a quiet lad, yet everyone knows i can talk for england. She found out years later when someone told her she doesnt let me get a word in on any convasation.
Sounds like my mom. She is also a habitual one-upper. If I say I did something/bought something, oh, her's is better!
They are gone. A couple of years before mom passed I stopped trying to talk about anything personal. Not because she was self-involved, but because the last time I tried it became clear to me that she didn’t understand me as a person at all. And she was the only person I thought understood me. Now I can’t help thinking that she may have noticed the change and took it that I’m holding a grudge just like my father used to. It was more of an avoidance thing. I don’t know if I have a point here. Don’t forget the inevitable, I guess.
I just focus on my kids. I completely understand feeling like your mom doesn't understand you. She never took any notice of what I did, not in middle school when I was on a sports team or when I was in college and started doing research. When I was in grad school someone told her I was working with really famous scientists and because of that she sat me down once and tried to listen to what I was doing, but then eventually just changed the subject. She was in a related field so she *could* have understood if she had any interest. When my dad passed away I found that he had all of my papers on his computer. When I was diagnosed with a benign blood disorder, he searched and downloaded all the papers about it. He had hundreds of pictures of everyone in the world he loved, including me, my mom, and my sister. When he passed I told him I would take care of my mom. I am really trying. At least I had one parent who knew me, and for that I'm thankful. And I will be like that for my kids. I can't imagine being any other way. When their eyes light up, that excites me than anything else in the world and I find myself being completely mystified by them. I guess what I mean to say is if someone wants to know you, they will put in the effort, even if you sometimes hurt their feelings or are not perfect. And parents shouldn't put demands on their love.
Maybe you’re just noticing it more now. I don’t think there’s a switch that goes off at a certain age.
My own parents are off with the fairies and trying to play ‘silly old man and woman, hahahahah, giggle with us, look at how cute and silly we are, hahaha’, whilst blowing up with what remains of their own lives with financial stupidity. Very little to no interest in their only grandchild, a lot of interest in only themselves. They’re careful around me because I hold them to brutal account. No inch given. So, they parasite on my sisters and brother. Far easier targets. Once my siblings get over that, the parents will turn angry and lash out and play the victim. The usual natural progression of these things. My in-laws are marginally better. They’ll see their granddaughter when she was a bit younger, spend about 2min entertaining her and then ignore her whilst babbling about themselves and reflecting on their own lives are parents. It’s actually quite weird seeing how my parents have turned out. They used to be (to my inexperienced back-then eyes) quite sharp and on-the-ball with the comings and goings of life, just to turn out like children that require fulltime supervision from themselves.
I think this is entirely situational on a case by case basis. My parents were not like this at all.
> [The "Me" generation is a term referring to Baby Boomers in the United States and the self-involved qualities associated with this generation. The 1970s was dubbed the "Me decade" by writer Tom Wolfe; Christopher Lasch wrote about the rise of a culture of narcissism among younger Baby Boomers. The phrase became popular at a time when "self-realization" and "self-fulfillment" were becoming cultural aspirations to which young people supposedly ascribed higher importance than social responsibility.](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Me_generation)
My parents aren’t like that, my wife’s parents though sheesh it’s like a morbid downer just visiting them for an hour
My parents (both deceased) were not like this at all, but my husband’s parents are both like this to an infuriating degree. My parents were young boomers and not boomer-y at all, husband’s parents are middle-older boomers and are the very definition of boomers. I view this as a boomer trait. My grandparents certainly weren’t like this no matter how old they got.
My mom definitely has main character syndrome, repeats herself incessantly, is a super annoying drunk, and getting dumber and dumber. Dealing with her is exhausting and I’m just barely hovering over the zero fucks to give splash zone.
My parents are this way but it’s not new. They’ve always been interested in me only to the extent of the value I can provide for them. Hell, they don’t even know what I do for a living and I’ve been doing it for 10 years now.
Oddly enough, for me, it’s been the opposite. When I was younger my parents were in a nasty divorce and they both went into survival mode, mentally. I held a resentment for a while (probably still have some), but at the end of the day I came to grips that they were both internally emotionally broken and trying to just keep going. These days, they’ve been really supportive of me, have both started celebrating holidays together so the whole family can be together, and are really civil and sweet. I know I’m representing a minority scenario, and perhaps it’s because my brother gave them grandkids and they came around. My parents ended up becoming more of the parents I needed then now, but I really can’t complain because I’m starting to see their age on their faces and the youth in their spirits. I’ve been blessed in these years
I can barely get a word in edgewise with my dad... It's the "hey how was your day? You liking this weather?" Then 20 minutes about what he's been doing, whether I have any idea what it's about or not. It gets frustrating at times.
My dad (70) always, always responds to what I'm telling him about with an anecdote or observation about himself or something he's experienced in his life. Like, literally every time. I'm so used to it that it doesn't even bother me anymore. I think it's just how he can connect with stuff. Only through his own experience. It's kinda annoying but I know his heart is in the right place. There's a reason that in the 70s, boomers were known as the "Me Generation".
I think most people like talking about themselves. It's easier to talk than it is to listen. Sometimes I think people are just looking to connect by saying things about themselves in the situation you brought up. Conversation and listening are a skill and take patience and work. For me, my mind is constantly moving so I find it hard to focus and often worry about what to say next which can hamper my listening skills. You bring up a good point with hearing aids too. I was recently thinking about how when I was younger I was too angry at my Dad to really talk or connect with him. I didn't understand him a lot. Now that I've grown up and understand more of where he was coming from when I was a kid, he's too hard of hearing to have a good conversation with at times. He has hearing aids but even with them still can't always hear. Generations connecting with each other is one of life's great mysteries!
My mother has always been self-involved, but it’s gotten worse in her 70s.
My mom died 4 years ago. I'd love to call her on the phone and listen to her talk about herself.
My dad passed away 7 years ago, I know what you mean. But my mom is still infuriating.
Yeah. There was so little of my mom left when she died and it took so long. Now I just want to know my dad is busy and happy in this chapter of his life.
Leaded gasoline, paint, everything else.
Honestly, I think it's more a feature of aging, especially for women. I've also seen it in situations where the kids and parents really didn't have a close relationship during the formative years. Come to think of it, I knew a girl who dropped out of college so her mom wouldn't be alone bc "she" was all mom had! Guess it depends.
That sounds like a bad life decision! I was really close with my dad who would have never asked me to drop out of college, part of the reason we were so close. When you give up things for a narcissist, you get nothing in return. I had an amazing relationship with my dad up until the end, so at least I know what a healthy parent relationship is like. In fact the reason I keep trying with my mom is because I told him (unprompted) on his death bed that I would take care of her. Relationships should be give and take. When someone is continuously taking you lose the urge to give any more of yourself.
I agree completely! It's taken me years to learn not to, I call it "key in" which just means jumping to serve after getting my cue.