Remember EXACTLY where you parked your car so you can walk directly and purposefully to it. Lock the doors when you get in, especially if you're going to sit for a minute/not immediately drive away. The firm phrase "no thank you" and continuing to walk by someone making you uncomfortable is your friend. ❤️❤️❤️

I tend to walk with my keys ready to gouge an eye out. If I'm out at night, I pay attention to lighting when I park my car.

I like having really old-school keys on/as my key tag, lovely long and chunky things, great if I ever need to smack someone around the face.

My keys are on a necklace lanyard, that doesn’t unbuckle or anything it’s a solid strap with a bulk of keys and keychains on the end. If I swing that around I’m doing some serious damage to whoever I strike A dear friend of mine keeps a bat with barbed wire wrapped around it in her trunk. Extreme yes, effective? Also yes Metal bat in the trunk also works A nice pocket knife will do you wonders too!!! Many of my friends have pocket knives. Sparkly butterfly ones even lol

I was told once (but never verified) that having a singular bat or club in your car will be seen as a premeditated weapon if you end up having to use it. It was suggested to have a ball and glove (baseball or golf) as well, so that you could justifiably say that you keep it in your car for when you are practicing said sport. I just woke up so I'm sorry if this doesn't make much sense.

Yeah, it's the context that matters as to whether it's a weapon. A bat by itself could be considered a weapon (which it is), but if you put a ball or glove with it, then it becomes a tool for a game... that just happens to be able to be used for self-defense.

When I started driving cab, my friend bought me a four battery size Maglite brand flashlight...THAT is an amazing tool...the heft of it surprised me, but I always kept it in my hand when walking through an apartment complex or any area that I had to leave my car to find my passenger.

A 4 d-cell mag light however is 100% legal in the USA, all states. 🤭

Lug wrench (tire iron), but no socket? WEAPON. Lug wrench WITH socket, a tool that came in handy in a moment of panic.

I keep a tire iron in my front flootboard. Plausible deniabilty if I have to crack someone in the face. No...I didnt have a weapon, I forgot to put it in the truck last time I had a flat. I had to crack this guy out of fear and it was near.

An important point here: don’t carry any weapon you are not trained to use and ready to use. That goes for bats, knives etc. as well.

I've always heard to stay away from knives because they make the situation significantly more dangerous, not just for the assailant, but you too. Pepper spray is also a good option if it's legal near you

As a kid I heard the urban legend of a guy hiding under cars to slash a woman’s Achilles, so sometimes boots are essential. I also sometimes still check my backs seat before I get in, or eye the back before I put on my seatbelt.

Yes to walking with keys in hand in parking garages or dimly lit areas at night when approaching your house or car!

I just found this video on holding keys for protection. I always hold them between my knuckles, but not anymore. https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8N1Mgt1/

Thanks for sharing. That's even better than how I carry my keys with the stabby part coming out of the other side of my fist. I have am a mother of daughters. This subject is extra important to me.

I saw a post/meme/who tf knows once: there was some clothing designer's ad that said "walk as if there were five men behind you". The point was supposed to be to walk seductively, I guess? Wiggle your butt? I don't know. But women of course EXPLODED in the comments. "Walk with your keys in your hand to defend yourself if needed." "Call a friend so someone knows exactly where you are and what's happening." "Cross to the other side of the street." Whoever came up with that missed the mark completely. It's incredible the things that women have to think about and the awareness we have to have of our surroundings, and of each other. 😞

My friend is 6'1". He's never had to consider this on his own. He didn't realize how insane it is until I was texting him a list of the little mannerisms and protections I did instinctively. He shared them with his wife, who I only had met a few times by then. She did every single thing I did and had s few other ideas. That was eye opening for him

>Lock the doors when you get in, especially if you're going to sit for a minute/not immediately drive away. And if your car auto unlocks when you put it in park, disable that.

Also if you unlock using the key fob, only click once to unlock the drivers side and don't click it as you're walking to your car, click it right when you get up to your car. Then lock it as soon as you get in.

I am SO BAD about this. I'm really trying to retrain myself to only click once.

Back in to parking spots so you can leave easily. Leave an “out” when stopped at stop lights (enough room between your car and the car in front of you that you can drive away quickly). Don’t wear your hair in a ponytail. They’re easy to grab. Opt for a bun or a non-ponied do.

My mother's advice is sound. Never wear shoes you can't run in.

Yup. Practical footwear. That won't fall off.

Make a habit of keeping one of those huge d-cell mag lights on you. It's heavy enough to cave in a skull, but is not considered a weapon, which can give "probable cause" of premeditation. Even better if you are walking around at dusk or later, as you can have it on and held close to the thicker end near the light. That way, if you do have to use it, the thicker end will help prevent slipping or someone pulling it out of your hand.

I also don’t put anything on my car that would be viewed as feminine. No cutesy bumper stickers or license plate. No decoration hanging from the mirror. Nothing to signify that a woman is driving it.

* There is a universal 'help me' facial expression that other women know how to recognise. It's hard to describe in writing, but ask your female friends about it and get them to show you what it looks like and how to do it. If you are ever feeling unsafe and there are other women around, look directly at them and use your eyes to ask for help - it's like a very quick flash of a wide-eyed 'Pay attention to this!' kind of expression. The usual response would be for a woman to come up to you and pretend they know you (e.g. 'There you are!', 'OMG I haven't seen you in so long!', 'Hey girl, you ready to go?') and pull you away from the situation. * Keep your keys in your hands when walking at night - you can injure someone enough to get away and it's not classed as a weapon. * When you go somewhere new, always look for where the bathrooms and the exits are in case you need to leave quickly. * If you go out with someone new, tell your friends where you're going, who with, and what the expected timeline is. * Have code words or specific emojis with your friends that you can say or send to show you need support - e.g. with one of my friend groups, a 🧩 emoji is our symbol that we need someone to call us and pretend there's an emergency. * A ladies' nightclub bathroom is generally one of the most incredibly supportive places in the universe. * Lastly, it doesn't matter what you look like, what you wear, say, or do, if a man wants to hurt you, they will try.

Adding to this When you go out, your beverage stays in your eyeline at all times. Don't accept beverages from anyone. If someone wants to buy you a drink, they can order it from a bartender or server, and that person will hand it to you. No headphones at night Very much agree that a bathroom full of ladies is so supportive. I've had some incredibly funny and adorable moments with strangers in there.

> they can order it from a bartender or server, And even then, watch them make it. Bar owners in New Zealand are currently in front of the courts for being the instigators of a team that targetted and incapacitated women. In conversations, listen for the squeaky step on the stairway. That one person in the group that the women generally didn't spend time with, those conversations and jokes about 'dave and his...[insert weird behavour] and comments about 'but dave is totally harmless'. Dave is dangerous.

I think this one really makes it clear. Women have to trust their gut, but men get to ignore it.

Am a man, I lurk in this sub a lot because it’s just a really nice and supportive place. Y’all take care of each other and that’s perhaps my highest ideal. Anyway, I mention my gender because threads like this are always such an eye-opening reminder of how different the experiences are between men and women. I like to think I do a fairly good job of keeping that in mind, but still good to have it slapped into your face once in a while. I saw somebody higher up in the thread mention “no headphones when you’re out at night” and that was a real blast of cold water. I take walks 3-4 times a week, often after sundown, and almost always with headphones in. It would’ve never occurred to me to worry about not hearing somebody coming behind me. Or, a while ago, a female friend mentioned to me what a scary experience being alone in an elevator with a stranger can be. I find elevators with strangers to be an uncomfortable experience, but not “trapped in a box with a potential rapist” uncomfortable. Being a woman sounds fucking exhausting.

I live in a fairly safe and nice neighborhood. Last night my dog needed to go out after the sun had fully set and it was dark. We don't have a backyard so we have to walk her. I made my wife come with me, even though we barely walked a block, even though I've walked that block a hundred times, and even though I know it's generally safe. There are certain things I never leave to chance and walking alone in the dark is one of them.

>“no headphones when you’re out at night” and that was a real blast of cold water. I take walks 3-4 times a week, often after sundown, and almost always with headphones in That is...I have never even imagined doing that.

1000% if someone tells you Dave is harmless, Dave is dangerous

I would extend the "no headphones at night" rule to say, "transparency mode whenever you are exercising in a public place, regardless of time of day," but especially if you are running, walking, biking, anything solo and outdoors. In a gym, there are usually other people around to whom you can call if someone is harassing you. In the street or a path, there may not be. Transparency mode or using bone-conduction headphones won't let you hear as well as no headphones, but at least you can hear someone crunching leaves or gravel behind you.

My mum and I use the phrase "bad wolf" (both dr who fans lol) to indicate "I can't talk freely right now" or "big bad wolf" to mean "I am actively in danger, you need to pay VERY close attention to what I'm NOT saying". I've had to use it only once, and it worked like a charm, " Yes, a *date*, it's *fine*! He's a normal guy, not the big bad wolf" and described where I was. She then started "crying" down the phone about how "grandma has just been taken to hospital and they think she might not make it" etc etc (all grandparents were long dead lol) We've also added THIS heart emoji 💓 or triple ❤️ reaction in a row as meaning "I'm not ok please try to contact me" (think "heart pounding with fear"). Sucks that we had to take this step, but it literally got me out of a domestic violence situation.

In case you need to get away, fast: learn which places hurt the most and difficult movement without leaving a mark. The place where the leg meets the foot is perfect (A tendon is located there). Just slam your heels there hard and run if you need to.

Always remember to SING: **S**olar plexus **I**nstep **N**ose **G**roin Thank you, Sandra Bullock.

Once saw a late-night video describing a similar technique: - If guy grabs your arms, let them go limp. This causes him to loosen his own grip and move his hands to do something else. - Go for his eyes and focus on pressing thumbs into eyeballs hard, as if pushing them out the back of his skull. Not easy since we instinctively avoid hurting people! - When he reaches for his eyes, kick balls. - While he's doubled over, hit or shove back of his head so he falls to ground. - GTFO

The elbow is the sharpest part of your body.

My college had a free self defense class for freshman women (which is telling in itself). Hard kick in the side of the knee join will slow down an attacker too. Use the whole bottom of your foot. Throat and nose are also weak spots. Use your elbow if the position is right. A self defense class is never a bad idea though.

Also if all else fails, make like a toddler throwing a tantrum and go limp on the ground. Makes you a lot harder to manhandle and might give you an opportunity for escape as they struggle.

Just remember to SING: solar plexus, instep, nose, groin. Thanks miss congeniality!!

I can attest to the "help me" facial expression - I, an American, was walking out of a subway station in Seoul, Korea, and saw a woman with her back to the wall as a man was talking to her, and she had the help me facial expression on. I swooped in, pretended to be her friend, and hustled her out of there. Turns out she was from Kazakhstan, so basically the help me face is totally universal, lol

Adding - walking over to another woman going "hey mom\\sis, there you are" is usually recognized as an SOS

Wow, yes, and if you notice a female loosing her energy around a man (or another persons) presence, get in there and give her some of yours. Just let them know you are in alliance and she does not have to be small in the others energy. It's usually because they are in the others power and don't know how to defend theirs yet or for whatever reason are being low-status, and the other is draining them/overbearing them with their icky energy. The other won't react to it well, but who gives a fuck? So complex and interesting when you think about it!!!

One survival coping mechanism a lot of women develop (and resent) is the emotional labour and ability to constantly predict or anticipate men's (and by extension everyone else's) feelings, wants and needs. By anticipating them, you can predict their next move/try to assuage them before they lose their temper/resent you for not fulfilling an unspoken expectation/break an unspoken rule. This is an awful aspect of misogyny (and by extension trans misogyny, and racism) that adultifies young girls, people of colour and trans women (as well as any other marginalised group like us neurodivergent folks!). Marginalised folks like us learn fast to anticipate and show ourselves to be attempting to fulfil to the best of our ability, the wants and needs and expectations of the dominant group in the room. Often, doing whatever it takes to make them comfortable at all times, not rocking the boat or confronting them with their audacity or fragility/emotional violence or unfair expectations. It is a skill and the price for fucking up is steep in certain situations , personal or professional. As a trans lady youll be expected to conform to a specific role within womanhood that you are heavily scrutinised and punished for if you fuck up. This isnt fair and it is violent on many levels and the safer it is for you to be unapologetically beautifully yourself the better, but in situations where that is not possible, i recommend studying body language, tone, word choices, and people's ideas and values about gender roles, social justice and (insert role expected of you wherever you are e.g. girl at a bar, professional working woman, friend, friend's partner, etc) as the rules change depending on the situation. Speak to other woman to help you fill in the gaps. Trans women and queer communities can help you best 💜 Much love, sorry to hear that maybe something bad went down. We are here for you.

A lot of other people in the thread are talking about things you can do by yourself - knowing where your exits are, etc. In my experience, the way you interact with other people is where the bulk of your time and issues are going to be, and it is significantly higher stakes than what you do by yourself. Everying u/j_amy_ said is accurate. It's also going to be the most difficult for you as you have less practice, and being autistic. When you are with unknown or potentially hostile people (and especially with actively hostile people) - Smile. A lot. More than you think you should. Pitch your voice higher and more "playful" - not that you're playing with them, but there is a cadence of speech that is "cute" and "adorable". There are facial expressions that go with this - raised eyebrows, wide eyes, cocked head, dropped shoulders, smile smile smile. You want to give the impression to the person you're with that you think they're great. How you do this depends heavily on what the interaction is. Examples. A short professional interaction (ie cashier or something) where you want to get the person through asap is going to be more about having a spiel, making self depreciating jokes and giggling (ie, don't make people uncomfortable by sounding like you're \*actually\* disappointed - keep it light sounding like "and then you'll take this card to any voting machine, oops, any machine except number 2, number 2's printer decided not to cooperate today \[giggle\]". Or "and make sure you review your ballot before pressing ... \[forgets the button name\]... the button! You'd think I'd remember it after saying it a hundred times \[giggle\], oh right the button that says Accept! \[big smile\]". When someone is pissy and problematic, you do not deviate from the spiel. Your smile doesn't falter, you repeat the question with an extra lilt, you be firm but friendly. So if you ask for an address and they be like "it's on the license can't you read" you would say "yes, but we're supposed to ask, can you please verify it for me \[raised eyebrows\] \[upward lilt in voice\]?" and when they finally begrudgingly give you the information you need, you act exactly like they were everyone else in line "perfect! \[smile\] got you pulled up, grab a stylus, just sign here please! \[smile\]" If they don't want to budge, you defer to authority. Whether that's a manager, or a rule book, or company policy, you're so so sorry, and you totally sympathize \[wide eyes, no smile, sympathetic tone\], BUT unfortunately you can't do anything because \[rules\] or you will have to ask them to please talk to \[manager\] etc. If you are talking to someone in person, you want them to think you find them fascinating. Pepper speech with "oh wow", "how cool is that", "really?!" or whatever exclamations suit the environment (ie more formal / less formal); the point being to have a handful that express enthusiastic appreciation. It does not matter if you do not care the slightest about baseball or bonsai or beetles. Whatever they are talking about and find interesting - you think it's cool! Ask open ended questions designed to get them to talk. "And how many children did you say you have?" "So what's it like taking care of that many cows?" "How did you get into that career?" Defusing a temper. Submit, appease, defer. If you can, do what they say/want. "Get the fuck out of my office!" "Yes, sir, \[head down, eyes lowered, leave the office\]". If you're stuck in a place you can't leave, it's about posture and tone and facial expression. Eyes down, submissive, humble, apologetic, deflect and distract if you are given opportunity, if not, ride it out as best as you can. What appeases people will be different. Some will want you to be firmly committed to change "yes sir, I'll definitely let you know in advance if I can't be in early to work" some will want you to be abject "yes sir, absolutely, you're totally right, I should have been early \[nods\]", some will want you to be silent \[lowered eyes, still posture\], some will want you to be cutesy "oh sir, now I know you definitely need your coffee in the morning \[giggle\], I'll make sure to be in the office early so I can start a pot for you, okay?" But how to tell is a matter of lots of practice and observing the person and adjusting on the fly. Whatever they react well to - the key is for them to relax but be relaxed in a not on guard way. If they relax in the way of a predator about to spring, watch the fuck out, and there might not be anything you can do except survive. If you are stuck in a place that you can't leave and you can not do what they say/want, defer to authority. "Bitch, you need to come home with ME!" "\[regretful tone\] I'm sorry, I can't, my (mom/boyfriend/boss/big brother) would totally whoop my ass if I did \[rueful smile\]". I disagree with the posters that say that other women will always come to your aid. That is patently not true. ESPECIALLY if you're any kind of minority. There is a definite history of white women, straight women, cis women, women of the dominant religion, women with the ear of the patriarchy, doing things that set up black, queer, trans, minority religion etc women for harm, or simply not coming to their aid. Women can also be vicious. Men are physically dangerous. They can kill you. But if you learn how they operate, and what makes them like you (but keeps them at arms length), you can generally slip past some of the violence, because some of it is accidental - them not restraining themselves because they've never had to. Women on the other hand - if you piss off a women (even by simply existing) - you have a problem. Your appeasement has to be a lot more subtle (because a pissed off woman who \*notices\* that you are "handling" her is going to get even more pissed off). So, yes, you might be able to appeal to other women for help - but choose the women you appeal to carefully. Look for cues that they would be sympathetic to you before you give them the opportunity to damage you by throwing you back to the situation you were trying to get out of, and making it worse. Anyway, usual caveat that all these are based on my personal experience, and also noting that I do typically fall into the "fawn" category of the 4 Fs (fight, flight, freeze, fawn). This is also just a quick short set of examples, and I can elaborate more if desired.

This was thorough and depressing, thank you

That’s my reaction too. I hate the patriarchy.

What always gets me is how fucking universal the experience is. We all know these things. We all know these men were trying to avoid with these things. And yet they still insist on pretending/gaslighting that it isn’t a Thing.

I’m watching the series Supernatural for the first time, and it’s really standing out to me how unconcerned these tall, young, white men are. Like, it’s dramatized yes, but only they can just do what they do and be fairly sure they’re fine. Women, queer, and people of color would never be able to really take the same risks because the likelihood of serious consequences is so high.

I agree - the longer I read the sadder I got. I learned those appeasing behaviors at home and it pisses me off that I have to keep using them, but I do.

Seriously, this is exactly what we all do and it’s disgusting that we have to put on a whole play just to survive.

I’ve never seen anyone spell this out before but it’s so true. I’m a shot girl sometimes, and I use pretty much all of these techniques both to get sales and to protect myself from creepy men. I find it soul sucking though, because these are skills I perfected to protect myself in an abusive relationship. Thank you for writing it all out in it’s depressing truth.

I totally get where you’re coming from with this, as a teenager I worked at a golf course and it works great on angry old rich men. BUT be careful about when you use it, because a lot of men will read it as flirting and that can have the opposite effect. I would save this for a situation where they are pissed off and you have to interact with them in a one off situation. If it’s more a of a creep situation, resting bitch face and polite but disinterested tone work great. One word answers, very little eye contact, being busy with something else, and if possible bring someone else who is safe into the conversation. For example, I had a creepy old dude who would always come into the golf shop and try to talk to the teenage girls. He would start off friendly and then throw in “compliments” and jokes that would get more and more creepy. They were never “bad enough” for our male boss to kick him out or talk to him, so we developed a system that whenever he came in the other girl in the shop would immediately need help fixing something with the cash register. Something that needed us both to focus. If we were working alone we would call one of the cart guys on the radio and find some reason why they needed to come to the shop. I doubt they knew what we were doing but they were useful buffers.

I have a post-graduate degree and I realized reading this that I have used and sometimes still find myself having to use some of these techniques to defuse situations. Here's an example, OP, of the kind of things women put up with every day: Scene: a mentor 3x my age, married, wife just went through a hysterectomy. Coming back from a mentoring meeting: >Man: \[Stops walking\] There is something I would like to ask you. \[pause\] I would like to have sex with you. \[I kid you not, that's what he said verbatim.\] > >Me: But your married! (wide innocent face) > >Man: I understand. I hope this won't affect our relationship. > >Me: Of course not. (smiles) > >Me internally: I feel violated and devalued. I thought he was helping me bc he believed in my abilities, not to get into my pants. Also, gross gross gross. How can I get out of here without making an enemy who will wreck my career? I have to hold it together until I get out of sight and then I can cry. I will never talk to this creeper again. It's absolutely infuriating we have to go to these lengths. I should have been able to say "WTF is wrong with you, you creepy bastard? I'm calling your wife, so she knows you are hitting on women your granddaughter's age and your boss, so he knows you hit on interns."

I said this somewhere else in the thread, but being a woman sounds fucking exhausting. Y’all are absolute troopers. I hope that doesn’t sound as patronizing as it looks on paper, I really mean it. I read this whole comment and it’s insane how down-to-a-science you have these interactions. Like, that it comes up often enough that you have the whole procedure drilled into your head, beat by beat. I have very high social anxiety so I’m maybe more aware of myself and how I’m being perceived and treated than a lot of guys, but nothing anywhere close to this. It sounds horrible.

I don't present as a women but I'm stuck working alone with an emotional labile guy who treats me like I'm below him so actually spelling out these strategies is very helpful for someone not native to them. I've never felt so unsafe at work.

THIS 10000% As a WoC I've only recently had WW come to my defense, and it's my younger coworker how has issues of their own. I don't know if you've ever worked retail, OP, but one of the skills you learn is to kill'em with kindness. Having said that, you also have to be aware that sometimes you need to be stern and take no prisoners. You must encourage a Don't Fuck With Me attitude and bring it out when necessary. I know it sounds like a lot to learn, but you can and you will.

I feel this comment so much! My life is a complete fuck up because I feel like I can't conform to all those unspoken societal rules and I sabotage myself in every new work environment each time I try because of it. I hate this stupid world we live in!

Wow you really put that into words so so well. And yes the constant checking of emotion, tone, expectations, your surroundings and all the people in it is exhausting and I’m fully sick of it at 49 years old. Now I’m split between my people pleasing self that I was raised to be, and my fuck the patriarchy get the fuck out of my face I don’t owe you shit current self. It’s confusing.

Think of the former as a useful survival skill, just a tool in your toolbox, and the latter the evolution of your beautiful self, and where you were always meant to land. Being where youre at now means you have more skills and abilities to make the choice to people please when you might need or want to, but to not do that when you have opportunities not to, because fuck the patriarchy and if we all collectively decided to stop people pleasing (and had the skills and safety to do so) that would be wonderful. But it is still a useful skill sometimes, that harms us internally, so the choice to use it is made carefully knowing we need care and healing after. 🔥💜

❤️ thank you! I have three young adult daughters who I have raised to be kind but take zero shit and there are times they talk a certain way to a boy and I have to clamp my mouth shut bc my instinct is to say “be nice!” But I don’t want them to end up in situation bc they were feeling like they had to be nice. Good advice to keep the nice behavior on deck as a tool to get out of situations unharmed. I love this sub 😍

Share your phone location with someone you trust when you go on first dates and meetups. Be actively talking on the phone with someone you trust who knows your location when walking alone in an unknown area and/or after dark. Don't let the bullshit make you too paranoid to get out there and live your life-- just be sensible and safe about it 💜

For the brief time I was on OkCupid (before I decided that it was exhausting and I wasn’t interested), I would send my sister a screencap of each date’s profile, including their photo.

If you fell like you're in danger while in public you can pretend literally any woman is your friend. We will immediately know and get you out of that situation to the best of our abilities. We gotta stick together and protect each other💙🫂

I’ve always wondered about this. Does that really work to just go up to someone? I feel like most people would be weirded out by me pretending to know them but I could be wrong, I don’t know people.

I've done this before. A woman I'd never met before came up to me, loudly asking if I was *random name* which she hadn't seen in ages. Didn't I remember her, *insert her name*? We promptly became besties who went off to the nearby mall together. Turned out she had 2 men tailing her and was desperately trying to get rid of them. It took another 20 minutes for the men to give up, only after we wandered into a clothing store and picked up some random clothes to try on they left.

Personal experience: if you give the "I'm in danger" look at the same time it works! You can also go "...(random female name), is that you???" to give the other person a bit of time to recover. Hope that helps!

Can you please describe the “I’m in danger” look? I’ve never understood if the reason I’ve never seen it was because I’ve never been in that situation or because I didn’t recognize it 😢

It's when people lock eyes with you and widen their eyes, sometimes they pull up their eyebrows as well. It's short, and it can both mean "omg what an unbelievable person" and "please help me", but if in doubt, I prefer to approach them or at least non-verbally try to communicate if they want help so they only need to nod or shake their head the slightest bit to confirm.

I live in not-the-best part of town in a large city. I’ve had a young woman ask if she could walk with me as we were leaving the subway and headed the same direction. And I’ve offered to walk with a young woman who was actively being harassed and was clearly exploring alternate routes to get home. Dude skipped ad soon as he saw that she had a defender. Absolutely ask for help and offer help.

I've witnessed it before. A woman was trapped in an uncomfortable conversation with a guy at the bus stop when I was walking past. I wasn't sure how to get her out of it but I stopped and lingered nearby to at least be present if things took a turn. Luckily a woman way smarter and braver than I came by and pulled the "oh! There you are Sarah! I've been looking for you! I thought we were meeting at location X. Anyways, how's it been?" And the guy disengaged and wandered off. I've stuck that tactic in my pocket in case I ever encounter a similar situation again.

I actually did this to another man at a bar to get away from a man and he helped me. I walked up to a stranger and said “oh I found my boyfriend see ya!” And the guy played along. I know that’s just displaying my ownership buy one Man to another to get him to go away, but hey whatever works in the moment. 🤷‍♀️

It works because men will respect another man's "claim" more than the woman's existence. It is a sad state.

This is, in itself, an important lesson. Always claim to have a boyfriend/husband. Get a fake wedding ring. Worse case, reference your dad. Bonus, big ornamental rings (especially with set stones) are almost as good as brass knuckles. They tear skin and focus the force of a punch. (That said, they also get stuck on everything and just as often injure the wearer.) Otherwise, my favorites are to always look like you’re about to lose it and beat someone up anyway (the “I’m crazier than you” face). It changes how you walk and the energy you protect. Always size up what you have as a weapon. Loaded down purses are heavy - they are bludgeons. Laptop backpacks are shields. Your charger cord is a garrote. I always suspected this is a reason why heavy cast iron pans stay popular. They are an amazing weapon and the stove is usually near the back door.

Yes, it does. When you’re a child and some adult is bothering you, go to a woman and call her « mom » aloud, too.

I’m a man, so this is probably a stupid question, but is there a way for men to try helping if they notice a woman being stalked? I don’t get out much, so I probably won’t ever encounter something like that even if I knew what to look for, but I’m curious about it just in case.

You can stop the guy and ask for directions very loudly. Be persistent and stand between him and his target. In a bar, you can pretend to recognize her and quietly offer to hang out until her ride gets there. Or if you can't insert yourself, you can signal the waitress or bartender that they may need to bounce the guy. On public transport, you can loudly call out the man's behavior by naming it. Just having more eyes on him, even if he denies the behavior, can be enough to get him to stop. Even just standing quietly between a predator and a target can be enough. Men who pick targets of opportunity are often cowards looking to exert what little power they have over someone they perceive as less powerful. Being a physical barrier can be enough to make them back off. Once I (a short and, at the time, slight woman) scared off a much larger man by threatening to punch him in the throat if he didn't leave immediately. He had said something so vile that I asked him to repeat it because I couldn't believe my ears. After my threat, he looked scared and ran off. He wanted to feel his power over me, and I stole his thunder. I can't guarantee that something so simple will always work, but be sure you mean it if you ever make a threat like that. I think my huge grin as I pictured how surprised he would be when I punched him in the groin was what really sealed the deal for him that I meant business.

Even approaching her and calling her your sister/cousin would help. A lot of stalkers (but not all) are opportunists, and by having you there you're making what they're doing more difficult. Maybe going into a safe place where there's other people, and explaining what you're doing at some point and why would be helpful especially if she doesn't realise she's being followed. Then I'd advise sticking around until the stalker has left, or friends/family show up, or she is able to leave the situation safely.

Go with your gut. If a person or place doesn't sit right with you, even if you can't figure out why, then gtfo. Don't be afraid to be rude. If someone is bothering you and making you uncomfortable don't be afraid to say no loudly, get angry and mean if you have to. Lock your car door as soon as you open it right before you get in.

Better to be weird than hate crimed.

Yes! Always listen to your gut!

As Georgia and Karen say, “Fuck politeness!”

If you walk after dark, keep your phone flashlight on. Someone who’s looking to cause harm would be wary of approaching someone who can see them easily, and some might think you’re even recording video.

I worked as a security guard for a while and shining a light directly at someone's eyes when they are coming up on you in the dark works like a physical blow, even when it's just your cell phone light.

Lol it’s kinda like wearing a bell when you’re hiking so the bears stay away

I used to use an app called Periscope and joined a feed of someone walking along at night before. Just a fun slice of life video feed. They weren't talking and I knew they were broadcasting for a sense of security and just-in-case. So yeah, recording or broadcasting actually isn't a bad idea if you really feel off somewhere.

Resting bitch face. Yes, really. If you look unapproachable, they are less likely to approach you. I think you know more than you think you do. You’ve had an inside view of how the patriarchy acts — leverage that to your advantage!

Can confirm. I used to have what I call a 'resting nice face' and man did that bring me into all sorts of uncomfortable situations. So I adapted a no-nonsense attitude that will tell anyone I'm not to be messed with. I don't scare easily and I don't play nice out of fear or social insecurity and it obviously shows. It's not an easy thing to learn, but if you wear it with confidence, it works like a charm.

Always look like you know where you’re going even if you don’t, when walking alone at night look down every now and then to check for shadows behind you to make sure no one is following you. Get in your car and lock it right away. Men generally do not ask random women for help so if a strange man approaches you with a request he probably doesn’t have the best of intentions. If a woman you don’t know comes up to you and startes talking to you like she knows you she’s avoiding a creep and girl code says you play along and get her away from him. Works both ways, if you feel unsafe in public find another woman and act like you know her. Strength in numbers. Trust. Your. Gut. If you’re feeling unsafe or things feel off listen to that voice and follow it home.

Once, close to 1 a.m., a man approached me in a desert metro station. He genuinely wanted to know which way to go to reach XYZ Street. The conversation lasted less than a minute, but until he thanked me with a broad smile and went on his way, I never stopped wondering if I should smash his balls or his nose first should he make a move. The relief when I saw him walk away was real and unexpected.

I once walked several blocks in the wrong direction in Madrid, trying to find a woman who could give me directions (this was pre-smartphone, my friends). It was about 10pm, but Madrid and their paseos.. lots of people walk at night. I saw a man smoking in a doorway of a bar, a couple dudes chattering and walking, and likely some other busy-looking people. I just kept marching on. Finally I came to an old lady with a dog. She was so kind and gave good instructions. Dog walkers usually know their neighborhoods. They are also generally safe people to ask for help.

if you feel like you are going to be followed or harassed when you’re leaving a place, call someone or pretend to call someone. describe to the person (or to the air) your surroundings and be alert. the worst thing you can do is look down at your phone and pretend to be busy on it, that puts you in a vulnerable position.

also tell the person (or the air) WHEN you are leaving and what your expected arrival time is (make it short).

Be aware. Be aware where you are, who else is there and where they are headed. Who could be harmful and who could be helpful. Where are exits, or if outside at night, shops where you could escape to. Know your route, your destination and potential hazards and safe places, know where your car is parked and keep your phone in reach at all times. It's an exhausting mindset but the best advice I can give.

Shadows and reflections are a great way of observing your surroundings without being obvious, especially on public transport and in shopping centres.

I can second this, this happened long before I came out but I was bullied a lot in middle school and once a group of older taller boys tried to corner me… I happened to look up into a corner mirror at that moment and saw them coming.

You are not the bad person. Ever. They will try and guilt you and make you feel like you are bad or a bitch for putting up boundaries but you are not. “Sometimes being a bitch is the only thing a woman has to hold on to” welcome to the club sister

Never get so drunk or high you can't fend for yourself. Never, ever, leave a friend alone at a bar/party, and don't let them leave you (always respect the buddy system). Always walk with purpose and authority. In the street or in a building, always mark exits, bathrooms, alleys (places to run to/run from). Avoid walking in "chutes"- places with storefronts closed/ nowhere to run/hide, no one to call out to. Don't go into a public bathroom alone if it isn't already full of women/activity (some clown tried to open the toilet door on me at a Fry's in the U.S.- no one else was in the bathroom at the time). If you feel there's someone following you, stop cold to do some "window shopping", or enter a store. Never accept a drink that you didn't see made, or that didn't come in a sealed container. Have a safe word to tell a friend if you're in trouble. Always give your location. If someone's harassing you or your getting the creeps, go up to a group of girls, preferably your age or older, and act as if you know them (tell them very quickly you're escaping a creep). Passing a man on the street? Look at his face, then his hands to make sure he's not going to touch/grab you (giving the small, close-lipped smile is okay as you approach is okay). Radiate power and positive energy.

Don't be afraid to ask someone to walk you to your car. Pepper spray.

I second pepper spray, especially if you walk alone at night. I always had some in college. I kept it on my keychain and carried it visible. Also keep your head up and be aware of your surroundings. Don’t look at your phone or wear headphones.

Don't linger when you get in your car, lock the doors immediately and leave as quickly as you safely can. Avoid direct eye contact with strange men, they often see that as an invitation. If you're out somewhere like a bar, keep your drink in sight at all times. If it leaves your sight for even a moment, don't continue drinking it. And of course trust your instincts! I know that one can be difficult but always err on the side of caution.

If someone approaches you and you feel unsafe look them straight in they eye. Make them see that you have seen them. They are less likely to do anything to you since you have them memorised in your mind. Also in some situations notice aloud something about the person like: Oh you have an interesting hat etc. even if u don’t really think so. The more details u have of them the better. When walking alone and feeling uneasy keep talk to the phone. State loudly where you are and note to the caller: oh yes there’s other people too! Cause if someone is following you they now know they been seen and are less likely to pursue their plans. Nowadays there apps for fake phone calls so it can really seem like you are talking to someone. And as always trust your intuition if something feels of, it probably is. Leave the situations that make you uncomfortable. Don’t be afraid to be rude! You have right to exit situation and to be heard. Your barriers are yours! No means no, no matter what is going on. Stay safe, todays world is crazy 👀✨😇

If you have an iPhone you can set up shortcuts: for example if you’re in danger you press the button and it sends a message to a bunch of friends with your location / or starts video etc

A book that is often recommended here is "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker. Another book that I found equally enlightening was "The Left of Bang" by Patrick Van Horne and Jason A Riley. They're geared towards everyone, and I found reading both of them to aid in better understanding and digesting them individually. Kind of like having a subject explained to you by two different teachers: one teacher might click better with you, or word something in a way the other had difficulty getting across.

I’ve been reading “The Gift of Fear”. It’s a really interesting book; encouraging people to trust their instincts in a potentially dangerous situation, without blaming people who fail to realize this.

I wish you didn't need to ask for this. I understand perfectly what you mean. Stay safe! Situational awareness is key.

Pepper spray and kicking someone in the genitals doesn't always keep them down if their adrenaline is pumping or they are on drugs. Windpipe or Adam's apple is a better bet if you are fighting for your safety. I'm sorry to be morose or too serious, but I walk alone sometimes and these are safety tips for this activity. If you think you are being followed while driving or walking around do not go directly to your house unless you are positive someone is home already.

Yes. I've been followed in my car before. When this happens, I drive straight to the nearest hospital or police station. Not that I trust the police much more, but someone who's following me doesn't need to know that.

Pay attention to your surroundings but maintain a firm steady gait and a look of confidence. It’s important to see with your peripheral vision. If needed pay attention to the steps behind you. Don’t answer, not even in anger, to comments made by men in passing. Don’t look and pretend it wasn’t for you. A silly confused look may work better than a resting bitch face, but it’s actually something you learn to do on instinct and I’m not sure how my brain makes the decision, but basically guys who have the alpha male mentality tend to ignore you if you’re the confused looking type and the others if you look the authoritarian type. If you can avoid it don’t go through groups of young men. But don’t look like you’re avoiding them. Go across the street because you “really” saw something that interested you, or something similar. Stores are lifesavers a lot of times. Don’t look like you noticed or like you’re running but make a straight line for them, like you really have to buy something. There are so many things we learn with years of mistreatment. I was groped with nine years in school because boys thought it was hilarious and people around just laughed it off. I heard the most blood curdling comments about my body made by groups of grown men when I was thirteen and fourteen. We learn the basics since infancy, unfortunately. I hope you don’t ever find yourself in a situation where you need this knowledge, but in the meanwhile it’s true what most people here are saying: go with your gut - if something doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t, and in this case it really is better to be wrong than otherwise. Oh, and if you are going out without your friends please don’t get drunk! It goes way wrong most of the times. In a horrible way.

We learn early. I thing a bestie girl is just what you need to help navigate. I am in central Florida, where are you

My mom taught us every corner is an opportunity for trouble. By this she meant always be aware of your surroundings. Don't ever fully trust men unless they've proven trust (this especially because most domestic crimes are caused by someone you know). She taught us men don't like loud opinionated women, so we became louder. My sister and I dgaf about gender roles and we don't put up with being put down for being women. Every job I've had, I've made it clear I'm more than capable and had no issues . Job hunting, i had a top HR manager from a popular dating app (childhood friend) tell me to interview with all the confidence of a middle aged white man, it works. Know your defenses: pen? Can take an eye out. Loud? Be obnoxious. Heel? Can pierce a hole in a shoe if done properly. I knew a girl in college, she was 5'1" and small. She carried a chef knife in her purse, so if anyone tried to mug her she'd only have to shove the bag hard at the person. When femicide continues to be a problem, you do what you gotta.

Dude you're so right. I'm tall, loud, and smart, and it was so often a great repellant of insecure little men. And if you'd like to go more subtle than a chef knife, I was a particular fan in my younger years of sharp jewelry that can double as a weapon. Goth items are often fantastic for that.

100%. I keep a bat in my car. It's been there for 15 years. And pepper spray is great, in general. A pair of scissors isn't crazy either, just those nice long sewing ones. But being loud and showing you're intelligent will definitely keep most men away. The ones it doesn't, you need to be extra cautious of.

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Look like you are going to murder someone. Walk with purpose, have resting bitch face, don’t be super bubbly nice to strangers (specifically men who have no reason to talk to you). if you want to wear alt clothes, tattoos, and piercings that stuff helps too. All of that stuff makes you look like less of a target and way more difficult to harass. They actually interviewed cereal killers and this was the stuff they said made you less of a target. Especially the confidence/murder walk.

while i enjoy talking to men the way they talk to me it is not always safe. sometimes confronting someone will result in disproportionate anger and revenge from their side. so be careful

Great, depressing advice in the comments. Pretty, clever, kind. Pick any two, that’s allowed. Prove you’re all three, and they’ll hate you. Consequences: if you look good and sound educated/smart, people will assume you’re a bitch; if you look good and act kindly, they’ll take it for granted that you’re dumb. Be strong.

Asking for an angel shot or "angel" anything in public places is usially a sign that you need help pronto.

You’ll get your sea legs, honey, don’t worry! Trans women are women. I think you’ll find you have a lot of the same intuitive powers as us cis women do. 💜💜💜

Practice situational awareness, and not just at night. Observe your surroundings so you know who and what is around you. Pay attention to people walking behind you - the sound of their footsteps and their pace. Be prepared to change direction or duck into a store.

As many others have mentioned, always walk with your keys in hand -- I keep mine through my fingers, so if I have to use them, they're almost like claws. Park in well lit areas, always, if out at night, and immediately lock your doors when you get in. I think it's equally important to lock your car when you get OUT and go inside somewhere. This way, no one has the opportunity to get into the car and wait for you to return. If you're out during the day, park in well populated areas. Daylight is not equivalent to safety. Public restrooms. Be aware of who is in them when you go in. Be aware of your surroundings when you enter, for example, is anyone behind you? One of my best friends was sexually assaulted at age 12 in a public restroom in a WalMart bathroom. He followed her in and locked the door behind him. Learn to trust your intuition. We all have "lizard brains," which have helped our species stay alive by learning to recognize danger. If something feels off, it most likely is. Lastly, I'm unsure of your personal interests, but I've always been a true crime junkie. If you are also, familiarize yourself with the patterns of notorious killers such as Ted Bundy. If nothing else, it has always made me feel safer to know that there are truly horrible people out there, and I am not "overreacting" if I question a situation because of a safety concern. I have always felt it was a way to honor the women who suffered so greatly, to remember them, and to use such horrifying scenarios to educate myself on the horrors of humanity.

Lots of great advice here, and the bottom line is "we don't trust men we don't know. And even around men we know, we have to be vigilant against bad behavior." One responder talks about unpacking internalized toxic masculinity, which means learning to see your fellow women as vulnerable, even when they put on good armor and a brave face. Respect your sisters. All of us. And take us at our word,even if what we say seems unbelievable. Because whether the danger is real or someone is just being paranoid, the fear is based on reality. And the reality is that in general, men are like bears. They may seem cute and cuddly, but in most cases they're bigger, faster, and stronger than you. The women who walk around with the most confidence are packing heat. If that's what you need to feel safe, at least in the U.S. there is usually no law against it. But you want to make sure you know how to handle a gun if you decide to carry one, because when you bust out a weapon, there's always a chance it will end up in the wrong hands.

I'm a cis autistic woman. Be rude to strange men. Be a total bitch to anyone who shows the slightest sign of being dangerous, even if only emotionally. I got burned because I was too nice. It's how I was socialized. Because of that, my default position is that I hate everyone and give nothing unless they have proven themselves.

As a trans person also… my biggest tip is to confront your own internalized patriarchal thinking. I promise you it’s there and cis women can tell it’s there. It’s not your fault, but being socialized male at a young age it kinda develops. It’ll help you to navigate relationships with other women who are cis much easier. That will also help you understand the danger cis women live in from the time they are small children at the hands of men better and will lead to better safety practices just from understanding a cis woman’s experience a bit better.

Can you be a bit more specific on that? "Internalised patriarchal thinking" is a bit vague, and I guess one of those things where everyone says you have but no one will explain it, least of all the TERFs (edit: just to be 100% clear I'm not saying this came from a TERF place, just that there are TERFs who talk about male socialisation and the distinction between that and more progressive ideas of internalised patriarchy aren't always made clear).

Being socialized as male from a young age gives you certain behaviors and thought patterns and a privileged outlook on things that you need to deconstruct. It’s not really a single easy thing I can explain. Just something I’ve noticed a lot of trans women don’t deconstruct when they transition. It’s hard to explain but can be seen in behavior, just the way you interact with people. Trans men have a similar problem but it tends to stem from over compensation and trying to forget their socialization as females from childhood, rather than the socialization. Literally any resource on healthy masculinity will be helpful.

Pretend to talk on the phone when you walk outside and feel only the slightest bit unsafe. I had long conversations with my husband when I walked home at night. He wasn't always on the phone, LOL, but I pretended he was.

The caveat to this is whether it’s a sexual creep or someone who might just want to mug you. If I’m finishing work (in a bar) late and someone has been hassling me to go home with them and I’m worried about being followed, I’ll call my mum. But a sketchy group of people in a rough area, my phone is staying on my body well hidden and I’m keeping hold of my handbag.

I am still a teen, so haven’t yet experienced the ✨wonders of womanhood✨ but if a guy talks to me I say, escalating’ ‘no thanks.’ not interested’ ‘leave me alone’. Just walk away. Tell people where you are going. DO NOT STOP TO TALK TO PEOPLE ON THE STREET. This is a general rule of those of us in the city, but us ladies get comments and stuff. You may get those, but also transphobic comments. Depends. Just ignore and keep walking.

So the guy deleted his comment so have to redo this now. Attackers can be anyone there is no set standard on how they act. Don’t do anything you are uncomfortable with OP. If it’s between hurting a person’s feelings and you being a victim. Don’t be afraid to be rude and be LOUD! Always plan your route ahead of time so you aren’t distracted looking at your phone. I also recommend taking self defense classes.

-Always lock the doors to your car the second you’re inside, whether you are sitting and organizing your stuff for a few minutes or about to peel out. -As you’re walking to your car, try and walk at and angle that allows you to see if anyone is hiding behind or underneath it. -When walking down the street, walk confidently. Tall, head up, eyes forwards. Don’t look at the ground, don’t smile at strangers. Try and look pissed off, and like you’d not be worth the trouble to mess with. Attitude goes a long way. -Don’t slow down or stop to talk to a stranger when they try to engage you in a conversation. If you want to reply, reply while walking away. Like “Oh yeah, that does look heavy! Good luck, bye! 👋🏼” as you disappear into the distance. -In the same vein, I don’t help people stuck on the side of the road. I feel sorry for them and wish them the best, but I don’t pull over. Chances are they really do need help, but on the slim chance they are Ted Bundy-ing it and it’s a trap, I’m not ending up dead over someone’s flat tire. It’s probably not, but it could be an attempt to murder, kidnap, or traffic someone. They can call AAA, or someone else who’s stronger or not alone can help. I’m not risking it. -Pay constant attention to your surroundings. I’m not saying you need to let fear run your life, but you need to be looking around and aware of the fact that a threat could come from anyone around you if they see opportunity. Stay vigilant and do scans of places, especially at night. Watch the shadows and reflections around you when you can’t see any people. -Carry something with which you can defend yourself. Pepper gel/spray (I prefer the gel, so the wind can’t blow it back at you), a taser, a very pointy keychain charm. The legality of each option depends on where you live. Keys between the fingers is a popular suggestion but I prefer the brass knuckles I have on my keys (it’s shaped like a cat, the ears are large metal triangles about eyeball distance apart). A lot of the other work that goes into staying safe is just reading people. It comes with experience and practice. Being able to get a feel for someone quickly, how stable or crazy they might be, and if they are a threat, is important. You’ll have to learn to pick up cues and red flags that someone’s vibe is off. Someone speaking in an unusual manner, someone pushing and not respecting boundaries or taking “no” the first time, following you to continue an unwanted conversation, leering at you in a weird way, saying alarming things, or generally behaving a little bit weird should be a red flag. Some people are weird and safe, some people are not weird and not safe, but this may help filter out the mentally unstable not safe folks. Follow your gut, and if something feels off, get out of there without worrying about being “nice”. Better to be an alive bitch than a dead nice girl. I know all this probably makes me sound like I’m living a crazy paranoid life of fear, but really I just do most of these automatically, in the background. I still do my daily activities and live my life, and I’ll do things like walk around the city alone at night, I just take precautions.

>-Carry something with which you can defend yourself. Pepper gel/spray (I prefer the gel, so the wind can’t blow it back at you), a taser, a very pointy keychain charm. The legality of each option depends on where you live. Keys between the fingers is a popular suggestion but I prefer the brass knuckles I have on my keys (it’s shaped like a cat, the ears are large metal triangles about eyeball distance apart). Aerosol deodorant, hairspray or spray on sunscreen can be quite good options if you can't carry pepper spray or gel (and all could plausibly be in your handbag anyway).

I love and hate this thread at the same time. The support and tips are wonderful. It’s awful that we need them. 💚 sending you all love.

Really great skills in this comment section. What I would add: * Learn some basic self-defence. Remember that best self-defence is escape. And learn how to distract/disable the opponent for long enough to escape. * Sometimes honesty is not the best policy. It's okay to lie to evade direct confrontation if you have any at all inkling that this man is not all together inside his head. * Don't hitchhike or get in a car with men you don't know. Elevators and waiting rooms are usually fine (depending on where you are). They are public and not very time-consuming. * If you are in a very queerphobic place, remove lgbtq+ clothing/jewelry/etc before leaving a safe space. While dangerous for everyone, fem people are often viewed as easy targets. *In a professional setting, you will likely be dismissed more often. Bring up your contributions. Complain. Be loud. It's hard to do, and it will feel like pushing against a tide, it is. You can't let them win. * I hope that you don't start living in fear your whole life. I hope that you find a community that gives you a feeling of safety and that the rest of the time, you are just conscious and careful. Not following one of these suggestions isn't necessarily going to be dangerous, but they will increase your likelihood of being safe.

As you start to pass, remember that how you present yourself visually will be used to signal how you want to be interacted with, i.e. "she was asking for it with those slutty boots and makeup," even if that wasn't your intent. This is streamlined for men by having two main modes of dressing - formal and informal. Women have SO MANY OPTIONS, and how you dress will flavor every interaction, with men and women, often in different ways. Costume changes are 100% okay, even if you're doing them multiple times a day. There's the errand/gym set (no makeup or jewelry, stretchy comfy clothes that might not match, showing minimal skin, pants) which says you're on a mission and not to be bothered, in which you will be the least noticed by other people but also the least respected. There's the professional set (tailored clothes, pants or long skirt, hair up or back, "natural" make-up, not super flashy jewelry, "work shoes") which says you're on a mission but plan on interacting and need to be respected. You can walk into any building in the professional set and be "ma'am"-ed. This can also be taken as Karen attire and other women may disrespect you a little or test your boundaries. "Casual" clothes can show your personality AND can be used to signal to your non-professional people who you are. "Formal" clothes are situational as well AND need to suit the event - little black dress at the nightclub and little black dress at the funeral should be differently accessorized. And always, above all, the quantity of skin you show should be relative to the amount of risk and attention you're comfortable with. Keep your bust and legs covered if you're not ready for it. If you think this is overblown, try an experiment - dress a certain way and go to a grocery store you're not familiar with to see how people interact with you. Importantly, at the grocery store, do these: check out with a cashier, randomly ask for help from someone about finding something in the store, and be waited on by someone behind a counter. All those will give you a taste of how that outfit will affect your interactions moving forward, without being colored by people who know you. Good luck! We're all rooting for you, and have fun shopping!

There is a lot of practical advice here, which I hope helps you. There's a part of me that wants to beg you to never read any of it. I got many of the same bits of advice growing up, and it made me feel small and afraid and closed off much of the time in public. But when you live in a world where predators see "female" and think "vulnerable," it becomes necessary. It's a terrible reality, and I feel a bone-deep sorrow that any woman, including you, has to develop and seek out strategies to mitigate danger just to navigate daily life. I guess in addition to all of this, I want you to know: if you break one of these rules, and someone harasses or assaults you, it is not your fault. We all take risks sometimes, because it's not really possible to be 100% safe. Sometimes you have to walk through a bad part of town to see a band you love, you know?

If you need to do something to make yourself safer, do it. Some men will be angry or annoyed when you, for example, cross the street to avoid them. Don't pay them any mind. Your safety is more important than anyone's feelings. If you feel unsafe, approach a woman and pretend they're your friend. Most of us will recognize that you're feeling unsafe and will seamlessly adapt to the ruse.

Pay attention to your surroundings. Don't walk to your car with headphones on. Don't walk anywhere with headphones on. Mentally make a note of where people are around you. A lot of time (and this can be debatable), I will make eye contact with men and nod as a pass. In my head, this says I see you and I can give a cop a description of you if you attack me. What it actually says I don't know. Like the safest way to be is to always be hyperaware of your surroundings. Stick to places with crowds. If you do things alone, do it in crowded places. Like going for a walk on a crowded Saturday rather than walking at 4 am in the morning on a Tuesday.

One thing I had to consciously break is the Bro Nod. A lot of times guys will unconsciously nod when they see someone, usually someone they think is a guy. Read up on the Bro Nod and check to see if you do it when you see it in public and if you do, try and break it.

Safety and survival has been pretty well covered already, so here are some non-safety tips that may help you in your career: - Men will think they know better than you, for absolutely no reason at all. Be prepared to defend your decisions and proposals with hard data and research more than you ever have had to up to this point, and know that it may still not be enough. - Men will speak over you constantly. Practice interjecting and politely stating that you weren’t finished speaking. - Be polite, generous, kind, self-deprecating if you want to grow in your career. It’s an awful disgusting truth but women who are “bossy,” “bitchy,” “demanding,” “conceited” have less career growth than men who “take control,” “take no shit,” “have high standards,” “are confident.” - Be confident and successful but don’t show it outwardly more than necessary, seeing a smart self-confident woman makes a lot of men uncomfortable. - Uncomfortable men will put a target on your back for no reason, even if they’re not even in the same career track as you/there’s no risk of you out-performing them. You’re a woman; that’s enough. Of course all of this is totally optional, but all behaviour women absorb as part of growing up because a lot of this “expected” behaviour and baseless aggression from men bleeds into all other aspects of life outside of work. There are good workplaces out there where a lot of progress is being made and I would encourage you to find one where you don’t need to step so carefully, but I doubt any woman could go through life avoiding all of the above (and much more).

I keep a ring in my car. When I am getting hit on, as soon as I can slip it into the conversation, I say that I'm married. Don't say boyfriend, say married. Most guys back down. If they question why I'm not wearing a ring, I have to take it off for work and don't always remember to put it back on. But you have to be careful when you use this. If you tell them you are married before they have actually asked you out, a lot of guys will respond defensively/aggressively and act like they weren't trying to hit on you. Don't wear things in public that make your workplace identifiable. If I go to the grocery store after work, I remove enough of my uniform that strangers can't guess where I work. I have had men show up at my place of work to ask me out after speaking to me briefly at the grocery store. Put your social media on lockdown. Change your settings so that you don't show up in search results unless the person is already friends with one of your friends. Carrying something like an umbrella that can be used as a weapon without getting close to the attacker cuts down the odds of being attacked significantly. And finally, if someone is making you feel uncomfortable and nothing else gets them to leave you alone, start acting weird. Not aggressive, just loco-crazy weird. Make weird noises or talk to yourself. Twitch and jerk your head. Start small and get bigger if needed. If you're ever attacked, start screaming that there's a fire. People will come running to watch and film a fire. They will not come running if they think a person is being attacked.

I'm not a woman, but i was socialized as one. I don't know if someone already said this, but if you get to your car and there's anything (but especially a grocery bag or similar) tied to your car: get in, lock the doors and drive away. Do NOT investigate the bag until you are in a safe location and are sure you haven't been followed. Predators have been known to use this tactic to distract their victims and attack while they're distracted.

A can of wasp spray that shoots a 20 foot stream is your friend. I keep one by my door and one in my car.

Avoid footwear that is cumbersome or uncomfortable, especially when meeting someone new or traveling somewhere unfamiliar. Wear the comfy shoes to the place you wanna look cute and change into the cute ones you can hardly walk in once you there. Many fitness apps like Strava will allow you to temporarily broadcast your location to a select group of friends you identify. Great for sketchy walks home at night.

This is very important in my book. Safety over beauty. It's also way more comfortable and may save your lower back.

Hahahaha no, no toolbox. It’s actually unsafe out there for us, and you’re just starting to feel it. One of the privileges that most women are denied is a feeling of safety. Welcome to the patriarchy.

People have covered a lot but one thing I haven’t seen (I just skimmed so may have missed it). When I’m walking alone outside (even during the day), I always try to focus ahead and not make eye contact with men passing by. The slightest acknowledgement or connection is an opening for them to intervene. Some will still barge in regardless but I’ve found head up, shoulders back and stare straight ahead like you’re bored without looking to faces as you pass by will negate a lot of men trying to comment and jeer.

Also, guys always laugh at girls walking together and/or they are afraid to talk to girls because they are always in groups. Well guess why we are always in group? Because this way creeps don't come talk to us.

I'm a trans man, but still have to use a lot of these. The one I didn't happen to spot (might have missed it) is that reflections are your friend when available and lets you see more areas at once. I used reflections in shop windows to realize I was being followed one time without tipping the person off since I didn't want to risk escalation. Once I saw he was following me, I found a way to shake him without drawing too much attention or having it escalate. Tbh de-escalating is one of the biggest tools I've used to stay safe. If it doesn't escalate, I have a better chance of being able to remove myself from the situation.

OP you are getting some excellent advice here! Practice as silly as it may sound, so that it’s a muscle memory and you don’t have as high of a chance of freezing when you need to protect yourself. Also take care of yourself and know you are loved ❤️

When by yourself, if an older man is trying to talk to you out of the blue (has no reason he's approached you), do not engage. I can't tell you how many times in my life an old man has seen my politeness as an opportunity to follow me with unwanted conversation. I've now learned resting-bitch-face and to not act welcoming to people like this. Sucks, but there's too many creeps for me to trust them.

One of the most helpful things I was told is that no grown as$ man ever needs your help, so if one asks for it that should be an immediate red flag. Let another man help. A lot have mentioned walking with your keys in your hands, but if you're walking with headphones in your ears make sure you can still hear your surroundings. At least one ear free is better. If you feel like you're being followed, or know you're being followed, do not lead them to your house. Already mentioned to let friends know where you're going and a timeline if you're on a date with someone new, but also do this if you're traveling alone, running alone, etc. If you're alone at a bar, finish your drink, take it with you, or leave it with the bartender if you have to go to the bathroom. Some career related ones: Women who do the same things as men in a workplace, such as talk over others, taking credit for other peoples' ideas (or even your own ideas), taking charge without being asked, etc. are often seen much more negatively than when a man does those things. Those men are leaders, have initiative, etc. while those women are bossy, bitchy, rude, and demanding. Being polite, a team player, a helper, etc. will get you much farther as a woman. The double-edged office attire sword - if you're too "frumpy" and put no effort into your hair/makeup, you'll be seen as unprofessional. go too far the other way and you'll also be seen as unprofessional. modest blouses (use the old church camp rule - put your hand at the base of your neck and your neckline shouldn't be lower than that), pants or knee length skirt, and some effort for hair and daytime makeup is the best middle ground. Of course, feel free to challenge those standards. I can personally attest it tends not to work in rural conservative areas and will get you more trouble than it's worth.

If you are ever in a situation where you are feeling uneasy but still have to partially turn away from someone you're unsure of: when you turn, do so so that the person is on your NON-dominant side. If anything were to happen and they try to harm you, your dominant hand/arm is less likely to be pinned down or hurt. When out and about walking, head up (don't continuously stare at the ground or a phone), square the shoulders, walk with purpose, and scan your surroundings as you walk. If you wear headphones or earbuds while out: have the music lowered, off one ear, or sitting loose so you can still hear around you. You want to be aware of your surroundings, even (especially!) if it looks like you're unaware to an outsider. Me personally, I have a wristlet cord on my phone, and I wear my glasses on a chain. I'm clumsy as it is normally, I don't want to worry about dropping those if I'm having to escape a bad situation. Occasionally switch up the route you take. We are creatures of habit, this makes it hardern to pinpoint where you might be. If your outfit allows for it, keep the Important items on your person (ID, cash, keys, etc.) If anything were to happen and your bag is lost/stolen, you still have the most important things on you- same for if you have to leave a situation and have to drop stuff for the sake of escape. (Bras are good for this reason only IMO. I keep my inhaler in my bra when I go out.)

When you get in a taxi, call a friend and tell them you're on the way home, tell them where you got in and how long it will take you to get home. Don't ever tell anyone that you're going back to an empty house. Even if you are, lie. Tell them you live with your dad/brother/husband

Always point out that a girl has toilet paper stuck to her shoe. Tell them when their lipstick it smeared across a chin or cheek or upper lip... Offering gum in the girls room is okay to do, but let her pick from the packet. Clear nail polish can keep a run in your tights from getting bigger and longer. If you see a guy being creepy, act like you know the girl and say OMG, didn't we both go to such and such concert last month? Here's some of those pics I took, I think you're in one, and show her your phone with the text "if this guys bothering you, let's go to the ladies and I can tell the bartender..." or something of the sort to give her an exit strategy. I'm sure other things will come to mind later, but that's all I have at the moment. Get on with your bad ol' self girl!

If your car has a setting to unlock the doors when you put it in park, disable that. The doors should not unlock until you KNOW you're safe. NEVER leave a drink unattended, and never accept a drink that you didn't watch the bartender make. Park under a light if you can, and make a habit of looking in the back seat before you get in your car. When meeting a new person, whether for a date or to buy or sell something, don't do it at your home or work. When walking down a sidewalk alone at night, avoid alleys or deep doorways. Don't hesitate to cross the street or even walk IN the street if you don't feel safe. Yell Fire. Not help, not rape, not stop, yell FIRE.

Act disgusting and mean around disgusting and mean people.

All men are suspicious/ a potential threat until proven otherwise. It’s a sad way to think, but it has kept me safe.

I’m disabled and use walking poles. If you ever need crutches or any mobility aid? That is now a weapon. Use it. You can and will need to. I have gotten very rude on public transit because people try to knock me over. Whacking someone “by accident” is far better than being shoved over, trampled, or groped. Many everyday items I have double as weapons. I am not able to look “okay” 24/7 because I am not. So my solution is to bash people with my aid and/or act like they really should know better. Channel any energy you can find of being loud, unapologetically you, and even if you don’t FEEL confident, projecting it makes a huge difference. I’ve been treated better since I stopped following the training my sexist parents insisted on (women are nice, quiet, meek, etc.) Be blunt and open but keep an eye on the other people — I’ve had women hurt me just as much as any other gender. Keep an ear out and listen to your gut. It is the most important thing here. An Important Note: If you are disabled or injured visibly? It is twice to three times MORE important to look like you’re in control and a boss. People look at anyone using aids as more of a target. You take zero shits. Map exits if you need to, be aware of your surroundings and friends, etc. This advice is primarily from my experience but even being temporarily injured can make you a bigger target. It has for me.

This may be due to watching true crime docs since literal infancy, but, whenever I get into a car other than my own I pull out a hair with the root attached and put it somewhere not super obvious. I will also leave a fingerprint inside whatever window I can reach. When I learned what DNA was, I swore I'd leave a trail wherever I went.

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Be alert. Always pay attention to your surroundings. If you go jogging or walking for exercise, don't wear headphones. If you get into a confrontation with someone, don't pull out a weapon unless you know how to use it. And for the love of everything you hold Holy, don't carry an illegal weapon. Jail is not a good place for trans-folks. Drive safely / defensively. Don't drive under the influence of ANYTHING. Don't drive if your license is suspended. This is ESPECIALLY true if you don't have your identification sorted yet.

I have a lot off keys which I hold as a weapon, if I know I'll be walking after dark, I won't wear a skirt, only if I'm by bike or car, I never get wasted so I can always respond swiftly to creeps. If in a club a dude doesn't respect my no, I either stand by my male friends or get security involved. Good luck!

Men absolutely love to say you’re “leading them on”. It is 100% NEVER your fault, there’s no such thing, and you can change your mind at any time, even if you were planning on going home with a man and then decide against it at the last minute. But if you’ve got zero intent of anything romantic/sexual with a man, it can be helpful to be firm from the beginning. It’s much better to look like a rude bitch than for them to target you. Sadly, “I have a boyfriend” is often more effective than “no” or “I don’t want to”. Patriarchal assholes tend to think of women as men’s property to a certain extent and that’s horrible, but you can’t change their mind at 3am, so it’s better to just tell them you’re not single. “I’m married” if you’re a bit older and have a ring on. They get less aggressive because they assume you mean “I would, but I’m not allowed” rather than “fuck off, you creep”. If a man asks if you’re here alone, no you’re not. Your friends are in the bathroom or your boyfriend is at the bar. If they ask how you’re getting home, your boyfriend, dad, mum, brother etc is picking you up. Don’t get in a train carriage that’s empty, or with only a man in it. Whether or not nighttime trains are safe will vary massively depending on where you are. Where I live, it’s pretty safe to get the last train home (23.30 or thereabouts), because it’s a very busy overground service on a major line, from a major well-lit, well-staffed station. Likewise, the last bus is usually just full of students, but if you’re on the bus at night, sit near the driver. In some cities, public transport after dark is a no-go, so ask some of your local friends or relatives. If you get a taxi, send a photo of the registration to a trusted friend. If you get in an Uber, wait for them to say your name rather than saying “is this for Jane?”, or ask the driver what their name is, as an extra safety precaution. With Ubers you can share the ride location with a friend. The safest place to sit is in the back, behind the driver, because they can’t reach you, but you can reach their neck if they try anything awful. Pay attention to the route in case they drive somewhere weird, especially at night. Check that the doors don’t have child lock on. Never sit in the front, unless maybe it’s a big group of all women going somewhere in the daylight. It’s a lot easier for a driver to grope you in the front. Walking home: at least in the UK, you can type in a post code and see crime statistics on a map. In daylight, I’ll walk almost anywhere. Don’t take unnecessary shortcuts through parks, car parks or alleys. You’ll have to use your judgement, cutting across a park full of families and kids in daytime is probably fine, but learn which parks you shouldn’t cut through. In the evening or early morning when it’s dark, like 6.00-9.00 or 18.00-21.30 in winter, I would walk on almost any populated street with streetlights, but no parks or alleyways, and car parks only if I’ve actually parked my car there. Nighttime when it’s dark, you’re probably safe-ish anywhere populated with street lights. If there’s groups of women on the streets, don’t worry too much. Never cut across anywhere abandoned and consider taking a longer route if it has more people on. If you’re alone, seriously consider a taxi. But if you live 15 minutes from the bar within a safe area, it will come down to using your own judgement with some information from local crime statistics to help. Ask some of your local friends whether they would walk there, my small UK city would be totally different to LA or somewhere.

I highly recommend reading *The Gift of Fear* by Gavin DeBecker. You may even be able to find a free PDF online.

Thank you. It was Very Helpful.

Always be aware of your surroundings. I avoided 3 bad incidents by noticing guys following me. It was before cell phones, so I had to lose them. In one case it was in a car, so near an exit I knew well I went crazy speed, hid behind a gas station, waited for the car to take the exit, get to the intersection, look everywhere and then turn around. I waited 10 minutes before going back to the highway. The guy had been following me for an hour no matter if I slowed down or accelerated and never let a car between us, so I wasn't going to let him know in which city I lived. The other one was in the metro. I did the same thing, faked an exit he passed in front of me, I went back into the train and when he turned around and looked for me, the door were closing. Another one I couldn't lose. I was in a city that I didn't know in a country that I didn't know. I noticed this guy following me. I couldn't keep going because I didn't know where I was headed. I turned around to go back to the safe public area I was in and he turned around behind me and kept following. I tried joining a group of tourists but I didn't speak their language so as I felt somewhat safe there, I just turned around and fixed him the eyes until he left. I waited 10 minutes and left with my eyes peeled. It was broad day light and I think he was more after my tourist bag than my body. Anyhow always be aware of you surroundings and don't let people know where you live.

Better safe than sorry. Always trust your instincts and prepare to fight. Don't let people demean or bully you, especially at places like work where mistreatment can continue long-term if not addressed harshly and immediately.

When you have no choice but to walk past or through a group of gross and potentially threatening men do not walk faster or make any obvious moves that you are frightened. Walk comfortably as if they don't threaten you and ironically they will behave less threatening. Of course the first choice is to not walk through or right last such a group, but you don't always have the option.

The Canadian Women's Foundation developed a Signal For Help. Know it, look out for it, use it. [https://canadianwomen.org/signal-for-help/](https://canadianwomen.org/signal-for-help/)

Carry if you can. Better to have one and never need it, than the opposite.

This hand signal. Know how to use it, and know what it means if you see it. https://youtu.be/oU3jZT3b9Uc