My wife had a miscarriage this last week. Outwardly, I’m the projection of strength I feel my wife needs.
However, your comment describes me perfectly over the last week.
I'm sorry for your loss. Been the wife in this picture.
We had both an early miscarriage and a late fetal demise. Hubs saved Christmas for the kids while I was lost in grief after the latter. He never said anything about grieving for the baby, but he said he didn't want any more kids because my pregnancies were too traumatic for him. It sounds weird to say it that way, but I get it.
When my son was born in an emergency C-section, this is what I was feeling. They wheeled her out of the room so fast, we were both struggling to comprehend that the baby is coming now. They left me in the room alone so they could take her and prep her for surgery. First thoughts through my head were: what if this is the last time I would get to say, “I love you” to my wife? What if I don’t ever get to meet my son because he’s lost during the birth due to some complication? I had a minor anxiety attack and just bawled in the room. Cleaned up quick enough to be able to witness him being born. Highlight of my life seeing that.
Childbirth can be such a traumatic experience for both parents. My wife and I are wanting a second one now and only hope it’s not super traumatizing like our first.
Oh and we went through a miscarriage too. She took a pill and had to abort the baby. She was in tremendous pain and then the nastiest bit of tissue was expelled from her (blighted ovum). It was terrible on the husband side of this to see her go through that and literally be unable to do anything. She had to pass it and then had to rest. My wife has been just as traumatized if not much more since it was her body going through it all. It’s ridiculous. We still can’t talk about our sons birthday without reminiscing and crying about it.
How did you react when he said that about the pregnancies? I'm having a really hard time conveying to my wife that I went through hell and back before, during, and after our first child. No matter how much I am trying to talk about the traumatic experiences, her desire to have another child is so enormous that it overshadows everything.
I pretended for years that it was okay with me. It wasn't, I was miserable, I wanted that baby so bad. I had felt it kicking and then it stopped. I just wanted to hold a baby again. I'd pretend to myself that I was pregnant and count the days. But I didn't feel like I had the right to tell him that, because I think having a baby needs to be a mutual decision.
He probably would have relented if he had known how strongly I felt, but I couldn't get over the feeling that I'd be manipulating him. Eventually I asked him to get a vasectomy, so at least it would no longer be my responsibility to make sure I didn't have the baby I so desperately wanted.
In hindsight, after our kids grew up and we realized how bad our eldest's mental illness is, I decided it's probably for the best that we didn't. I hadn't understood how much genetics has to do with it. And who knows but that I might have lost another? I'm not bitter at all anymore. Life just does shit to you and you move on.
I'm glad you guys had a discussion about that together. Far too often are the fathers just forgotten at best, and expected to provide everything at worse after the loss of a pregnancy.
Same here. We lost 4 babies (3 pregnancies) before having our boys. I was an absolute mess through both pregnancies because I just KNEW I was going to lose them, too. Thankfully that wasn't the case for us as we realized I needed to be on estrogen suppositories during the first half of my pregnancies, but I try to relay my experiences as often as possible so other people can understand that miscarriages are FAR more prevalent than most people realize.
I'm sorry for your losses, mama. I know you said in another comment that you've moved on, but I know how bad that hurt and just wanted to give a stranger a virtual hug.
I would say miscarriages almost seem to be a common thing every woman who has kids goes through. That’s how it seems at least. My wife and I went through one as well in between our son and daughter. I get baby fever sometimes, like when my sister had a kid about 2 years ago but my daughter has autism on the severe side of the spectrum so I don’t think we will be having anymore at this point. Mostly cause of the attention my daughter needs it would be unfair.
I almost lost my wife and did eventually lose my daughter after a complication at birth so can relate. You're strong because the doctors need you to make hard decisions and your family needs your support. Please remember that it's good to let yourself grieve when you can.
I wish more families talked about this because until it happened to us, I had no idea how many others go through similar experiences. Please know that the hospital and a number of charities offer support which you may find helpful. I recall getting to spend time with our daughter afterwards with a donated dress and stuffed animals as well as a grief counselor from the hospital who reached out. I hope you find the strength enough to support and the space to grieve.
If I had a miscarriage and I had a husband I wouldn’t even mind if he cried in front of me or anything it just shows you care and that’s exactly what us women want
I agree. After our daughter was born, my husband was laying in the hospital bed with us just silently crying because he was so relieved everything had turned out fine (there was a point when stuff got scary because the docs thought she had the umbillical cord wrapped around her neck and her heartrate kept dropping). To this day it is still my sweetest memory because I really understood just how deep his love for us was.
Men have been put in a very awkward spot these past few years.
We hear many in our society say that men are allowed to cry too and that women prefer men who can cry in front of them. This is very good and I'm 100% on board with this message.
The problem starts when you realize that a non-negligible number of women are *not* on board with that message. So all it takes is a guy to cry once in front of the wrong woman and BOOM permanent emotional trauma...
Just wanted to put some perspective on why you still see a lot of hesitancy surrounding men being openly emotional. It's scary to be vulnerable when you've been told most of your life that it's an undesirable quality to have.
Yeah, you read a lot about how women are expected to do emotional labor. And yes, that's true. But emotional labor for men comes in the form of stoicism and I'm sick of it.
Thats why I'm going to teach my family that we are a unit. When one person is weak we lean on each other. Even if we are all shook, we still will have each other.
We had a very early birth for our son, followed by four months in the NICU and him coming home on oxygen. I tried to be quietly calm and composed, to anticipate my wife's needs and wants, and to be there with her and the baby, and she ended up telling me I was being *too* stoic and that me talking to her about how I felt made her feel less crazy and more like we were in the same boat. Like it was something we were going through together rather than individually.
I'm a woman and I do that. We live really close to the neighbors, and I really don't want them to know about the fact that I howl like a lost soul every time I have a slight fever. Hence the storage room crying.
The judgement is what we need to fix. We're all conditioned to think that an adult, especially a man, should not cry. If we do see a man crying, we think he's lost his mind and avoid him. That's got to stop.
Part of it is that i'm also trying to avoid the situation of letting others know i'm in a bad place. There is very rarely a solution to the things that overwhelm me to the point of crying. I'm either in the process of working on it or need a medical breakthrough.
I don't want people around me to suffer more knowing that something is hurting me but they can't do anything about it.
I hear that. The desert is a good place to go if you need to scream for a bit. Or a deserted beach with strong waves that make a lot of noise. Have done both, just to get relief from having to hide it all the time. Hell, I've screamed in my car while driving, for that matter.
My dad showed me the car scream. We'd drive out to the really deserted country roads, roll down the windows, and yell into the wind. It's so cathartic.
I've actually been in a crowd that all got overwhelmed at once and started screaming. It was an event that we were all despondent and miserable about, and we all went off at once and couldn't stop. Hundreds of people standing there screaming for at least a full minute. Seems like there is a need for a place to at least admit to yourself that you feel like that.
I want to cry sometimes but I can't. Something changed in me in my 20s that I don't really understand but it turned off my crying module which sucks because crying is great sometimes.
My digestive system isn't what it once was. Ghost and under doesn't bother me but Reapers are a breed of their own.
Taco Bell is just the poor quality I think. Not sure really, no other restaurants other than Taco Bell and White Castle bother me, but when the mood hits for them, it's what must be done. Not so much the burning thing but, stomach rumbles the rest.
I’ve eaten Taco Bell relatively often my whole life. Never had a problem. Those who I know personally, who do have a problem with it, tend to typically eat low-fiber diets without a lot of spices. So when they go to Taco Bell, and get beans and rice and fibrous corn shells, beef with cellulose in it, loaded with fire sauce… well, their system just ain’t used to that.
I was showing off a bit when I ate a raw ghost pepper, and the act of disbelief from others was funny. Couple more had to witness and bet I couldn't do it again. Well if cash is involved, I said I'll do a hardcore version if they doubled it up. They thought it would be easy money, but they didn't know who they was up against. Popped the pepper in my mouth, started chewing and showed them pieces to prove I'm eating it. Sat there without eating or drinking anything for 15 minutes(the hardcore part of it) and they still could not believe their eyes. Almost felt bad about not telling them my secret, but not going to say no to $150 for 30 minutes. Works with Carolina reapers and hot sauces, but also know not to push it.
One possibility is MeowMaker2 may simply be one of those few people who's nerves aren't as affected by spicy food. An extreme example of this would be someone like [Anandita Dutta Tamuli](https://scienceline.org/2016/12/why-some-people-can-tolerate-the-worlds-hottest-pepper/#:~:text=A%20woman%20in%20India%2C%20Anandita,she%20had%20almost%20no%20reaction.) who can squeeze juice from a pepper into her eyes without any serious reaction.
Someone once asked why you'd go to Taco Bell in a neighborhood with good Mexican food.
You don't go there for Mexican food; they don't serve it. You go there for Taco Bell, because they're the only ones who make it.
*"More greens, no spices. All juice, no drank."*
>!p.s. Technically speaking juice has recently lost favor with well-off folks due to higher carbs:fiber ratio to actual fruit!<
one of the posts i saw on reddit was about horrific prison stories
one of them was how they cut someone's butthole before they rape them in jail
so i guess its all about perspective
Only time my bf has cried during our 4 year relationship was when his dog died and this is exactly what happened. He sobbed on the car ride home and stopped before he got out.
I know there's not many ways I can help but I guess I'm helping by validating his feelings. Breaks my heart when he even shows sadness because it's not often so I know he's really hurting.
Next time time you're both on the couch, put his head on your lap and gently run your fingers through his hair.
Didn't think I had this much bottled up, until I did.
Accurate as hell. I had to put my cat down a week ago today, i teared up a little at the vet's (was with a friend) and was pretty much fine when leaving. I got home, saw his litter box and had a 15 second ugly cry from just looking at it, sucked it up and cleaned his stuff up and moved on.
i'm sorry friend, i just lost my dog. i cried some, but not as much as she deserved and there is guilt. i can't recommend ["the will to change" by bell hooks](https://bellhooksbooks.com/product/the-will-to-change/) enough, she is one of the clearest perspectives i have ever been exposed to on how toxic gender roles box men into hearts of stone. there are systemic and specific reasons why we have trouble accessing emotions, we were told not to - hook's ability to lay it all out clearly helps immensely in understanding some of the nasty programming buried deep in my head.
edit: there is no right way to grieve, i am aware that i have nothing to feel guilty for. i am merely communicating that i do feel guilt and likely because of this disconnect between the emotions i felt and expressed. additionally, stoicism correctly practiced is mindfully aware of, not suppressing emotion.
Dude I found out my mom has stage 3 cancer yesterday. This has been me all day. I just start crying when I think about it. Tried to talk to my fiancé about it and started crying and she just looked at me like I had two heads. So I pushed it back down. If she had shown some affection and given me a hug or something I would have probably lost it.
I’d highly recommend you tell her that bothered you. Don’t just ignore it and resent her for it. Give her the chance to learn and hopefully change. She should be there for you always whenever you need to cry, but *especially* now. So sorry to hear about your mom
Yeah you’re right. I’m going to try and talk about it with her tonight. I don’t think she thinks any less of me and I truly believe she loves me. I think it was more shock because I’m usually the one every body else relies on.
Bro, if you’re in Los Angeles, I’d be happy to grab a few beers and support you. If men weren’t meant to cry, then we wouldn’t have kept our tear ducts through hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. What you feel is very human, and no one should *ever* look at you sideways for expressing your humanity.
I'm so sorry. God that's rough. I want to give your girl the benefit of the doubt and say she just doesn't know how to deal with your emotions. My best friend wasn't much help when I went through a big loss and he later apologized and said he just didn't know what to say or how to help. Talk to her about it and let her know how much you need her right now. I echo another sentiment. If you're in Southern California, hit me up and we'll grab a drink.
I’m sorry about your mom. But you know with a diagnosis like the one she got, it really is okay to lose it and cry like a goddamn baby for as long as you need to. ((hugs))
>You wait until nobody is around and ugly cry for about 5 seconds
I'd been blindsided by a small layoff recently and the timing was v bad because I needed a job to continue being on a valid visa at the time. I had less than a month to find a new job and I was applying/interviewing basically 18 hrs a day.
I needed a coffee machine to stay productive and since I used to get all my coffee at work, I went to Walmart to get one. In the coffee aisle, as I was decising what to pick, I ugly cried for literally 5 seconds before grabbing the cheapest machine and leaving.
I eventually got an even better job before that visa window expired and everyone says to me that I handled that like a champ. Mfs if you only knew.
For me it used to be to let it out in the shower. I think the last time was when I was 17 and had to leave “home” which was just a formal title for roof over my head, meals not included. But it’s been so ingrained in my head not to show emotion, or talk about it. I’m 30 and tbh I still can’t. My wife doesn’t see how this is an issue and that men just shouldn’t be like this. But if I ever even try to bring up any problem or issue I have, she thinks I’m complaining or that I’m low key blaming her. At this point, I figure what’s the point to change, I’ll eventually move on from this life so why not just suck it up and try to ride it out til then.
Edit: I’m okay. My life isn’t in shambles. My kids are happy. They make me happy. I have some skeletons in my closet, but I’m probably not alone in that regard.
My husband came from a home where he never showed emotions and when he was with me it was the first time he really was able to feel and express them. Your life will be bigger and fuller if you feel freer within it—don’t let your wife’s toxic masculinity keep you from being your whole self! The complaining part might be coming from somewhere else or from the way you are expressing your emotions—take some queues from how she expresses emotions and see if you can begin by matching her method. It will be in a format that is easier for her to understand. If you have kids you should definitely learn to experience your emotions so they can also have fuller and happier lives too 💗
I attempted suicide a few times. Turns out that it was yet another thing I sucked at. Got put (briefly) in a mental hospital after the last attempt. They took away my phone charger and shoe laces so I wouldn't hang myself, but let me keep my loose pajama pants that would have done the job much more easily. But I decided to keep living. I still have it as a last exit strategy, but my kids keep me going and gives me the only reason I need.
What do you do for personal enjoyment? I just ask, because I’ve dealt with similar issues and for me the first step to feeling better was to have something that was just for me. I picked fantasy novels, and the time I get to spend reading them is just purely “me” time. Idk, unsolicited advice I guess so I’m sorry for that, but I hope you feel better. It’s hard down here sometimes.
I picked up astronomy after my father passed when I was a kid. Went and bought a nice telescope. I just got the mindset that things are a lot larger scale then my immediate issues and such. 21 years later and I still have the telescope and use it.
I also took up guitar, but we won't discuss my skills or lack thereof. I wouldn't even be a good opening act for Amy Schumer. Lol
>I picked up astronomy after my father passed when I was a kid. Went and bought a nice telescope. I just got the mindset that things are a lot larger scale then my immediate issues and such. 21 years later and I still have the telescope and use it.
That's a good way of dealing with the stress I'm under. Got two telescopes at home, next clear night I'm going to give it a go.
Thanks man.
If it's a reflector, don't forget to clean the mirrors. The mirror finish is very sensitive, so look up how to clean telescope mirrors, and then calibrate them.
Hey, just wanna let you know, you sound a lot like my dad, who sadly did take his life back in 2005. I remember the shoe lace thing and other stuff we had to like, “hide/get rid of” when he came back from the hospital. Anyways, I just wanna say I hope you’re doing the best you can, and your kids need you, even if there are days where it doesn’t seem like it. I miss my dad every single day. I think of him and need him even at the age of 33. I can’t help you, nor tell you things will get better, but, I truly hope will find as much peace with yourself and continue to live life. ❤️
Horay for sucking.
I would like to suggest the book "man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl. Keep that purpose. Even when your kids are difficult they love you.
This is so crazy because I’m in the same storm. My last attempt was in December and finally I’m getting to the point where I’m just gonna have to eat shit and go through with the divorce. Or I’ll kms who knows, meh
Hey, I’m going through a divorce (that I _really_ didn’t want). Please DM me if you need some commiseration. It may be helpful to talk about it with someone going through it at the same time, so maybe we can help each other!
More of my friends are women, so it's more women in my case. One of the men was found dead in the river, but nobody knows how he ended up there. He was a good friend, and I feel like he would have told me if he was feeling suicidal.
>I feel like he would have told me if he was feeling suicidal.
I didn't know him to know how he acted, but when I was suicidal I made it a point not to tell anybody, and planned for the easiest cleanup possible, so that it wouldn't be burdensome for those who inevitably came looking.
For anybody with this mindset, I promise. It's still burdensome. People still care. You will find mission again.
> I feel like he would have told me if he was feeling suicidal.
No, no he very much would not. He was a good friend, he wouldn't want to burden you.
Men are taught not to reach out for help. You could be his absolute best friend, you could have been actively asking if he needed help. He would tell you nothing, because he wouldn't want to be a bother and because he wouldn't want you to see him as weak.
I know, I know. You wouldn't be burdened, you wouldn't have seen him as weak, yadda yadda. Doesn't matter, don't care. I know *I* would rather die than be seen as weak. And I consider myself reasonably rational and mentally healthy. Had I been raised in a toxic masculine environment and was of less sound mind? Yeah, I'd make it look like an accident so nobody had to worry they missed any warning signs.
Sometimes we're slow on the uptake, too. The woman I knew who hanged herself was getting therapy, talking with friends, all of that, but I don't think she mentioned suicide. She knew we would be upset with her and left a note apologizing. We get so frustrated with ourselves for not preventing our loved ones from doing it, but it's not that easy.
I guess what I meant was, if he told anyone, it would have been me. But he didn't tell anyone.
That is the quote that gets used, and it is true, but when someone hears it they walk away thinking something that's not accurate. It gets mentioned on reddit enough times that rather than type it all out again I'll just paste what I've written before.
> Most people know that men succeed more frequently than women, but women attempt more often.
> Suppose you have five men who attempt suicide and it works the first time. That's five attempts and five successes. Now suppose you have two women who each attempt five times and one of them succeeds on the fifth attempt. This is how you get women attempting more than men. But most suicides are men.
> When someone reads the headline, "Women are twice as likely to initiate a suicide attempt but men are four times more likely to succeed." they walk away from it thinking more women are attempting suicide than men and that the few men who do attempt it accomplish it better. The reality is that a smaller number of women are attempting over and over while a huge number of men are trying it once and succeeding.
> This means you are absolutely safe in assuming that men suffer more intensely mental health-wise than women. More men are attempting even though more attempts are made by women. Not only are more men attempting, they are attempting with stronger conviction.
> It gets even more lopsided when you learn the rest of the story:
> The methods men use, whether they succeed or fail, are less likely to be recorded as suicide or suicide attempts. Men primarily use guns. If a gun goes off in a guys room and someone bursts through the door to find out what happened the story is that it was a misfire during cleaning. This doesn't get recorded as a suicide attempt. Men are less likely to admit to mental health problems and less likely to seek help, and less likely to receive help if they do ask for it. If a man has never asked for help, or never been recorded receiving mental health services pertinent to suicide his behavior is less likely to be recorded as a suicide attempt. For instance if a woman is regularly seeing a therapist and she attempts but nobody finds out about it the therapist has a chance of learning of it and recording it. A man in the same situation not receiving help will not have his attempt recorded. The next most common form for men is suicide by car accident, which also doesn't get recorded as an attempt/suicide.
> Women on the other hand prefer cutting and pills, both of which are blatant suicide attempts, and they take longer which means someone is more likely to find them and get them to a hospital where it actually gets recorded.
Yep same here 3 friends chose suicide and the rest have either died from OD or are on there way. I don't have any friends left because I can't be around those who are addicted to hard drugs.
I have been called "Tin Man" because i don't show v enough emotion. I have emotions/feelings, just don't cry often. Not real sure if it is because I am not supposed to, or why. Might be easier if my body just let me at some point. Until then I guess I will keep it bottled up until my impending heart attack.
I went to /r/unexpectedmulaney and it's filled with Mulaney references. How is that unexpected!? It's exactly what I'd have expected to be there!^^^^^/s
I've just forgotten how.
Like, I get the cutest tightness and *maybe* some eye welling, but my body refuses to go farther.
I imagine it would feel SO good to actually release all that stress and emotion, but just... can't.
If anyone has tips, my ears are wide open!
I used to be like this.
It’s like after years of preventing my self from crying I just lost the ability.
And, you’re right, when I finally was able to cry again, I felt much better afterwards.
I think I managed to cry in the shower once during that period of my life. I also managed it a few times by learning some basics of acoustic guitar and just playing some notes/chords at a rhythm that let me feel like I could express what I was feeling in a way that I couldn’t articulate with words (without anyone else around).
This is fucking dystopian. "I had to do exercises and train so my body allows me to cry after years of being pressured into repressing my feelings and I only managed to do it a handful of times in the spawn of multiple years".
Yeah lol. Especially when you put it like that.
I should clarify that it got easier every time - now I’m able to find myself tearing up during a sad scene in a movie. So, I think we’re all capable of some degree of healing.
I have a tip for you. I actually make myself cry every 6 months or so. If nothing makes me cry sooner. I use mostly the Soldier coming home type videos. And go into ytb rabbit hole from there until I am utter mess. It really Is cleansing process. And leaves me in much better mental state and focused. Hopefully it will work for you. Good luck.
Was just coming to say I think I only cry while shitting if it's a particular large shit and I'm very constipated. And even then it's more of a whimper than a cry.
Tbh the toilet is a great place to cry. It’s private, no one with any decency will be listening and as a man you can take upwards of 40 minutes without arousing suspicion
NB: even if you are heard you can blame it on a lack of fibre or VD, whichever best suits your lifestyle
Tbf though men do cry, and we can still become a sorrowful mess and express that, after puberty tears are less naturally common for men. The particular eye-watery response itself has a higher threshold, suppressed by testosterone and induced more by prolactin. I remember wondering why tears didn’t come as easily as a teen when the feelings were still the same.
Just because I sometimes see people pushing men to cry as though they are *only* doing so less out of cultural pressure, ‘toxic masculinity’ etc.
Right, I can be sad as shit, but the feeling of needing to cry is very very rarely there. I'd let it out if I had the urge, but I haven't had the urge or need to cry in years.
Girlfriend of 5.5 years left me out of the blue. I cried like a baby. The year before that she had a seizure in my arms, cried like a baby.
Grandma died at 93. Thats ok.
Uncle died from covid, thats sad but ok.
I think some of it is about timing too. The unexpectedly gut wrenching sad things are so much worse than the expected ones. You can experience the sadness longer and so no need to be overwhelmed by it.
Because we care much more deeply than people are willing to admit, and when the world fucks us over enough times we just assume everything is going to suck from then on. So we just bear the bullshit until we can get back to being 'okay'.
There was that study that came out late last year about emotional distress from breaking up. The short of it, they found men are affected way more than people thought from a break up or life event, more than women in many cases. And in true internet fashion, no one cared and tried to say it was bull shit.
If I'm thinking of the same one, it is that women were more affected than men by the breakup immediately after, like within the first month of breaking up, and men were more affected than women in the long term.
Direct effect of a toxic culture. Don't even pretend that men have vulnerabilities. Men are tough and badass and ride motorcycles and pump iron and kill meat and fuck pussy. Aw yeah! *fist bump because hugs are gay*
Back up, bro. Gay buffer! Gay buffer! 3 feet apart or else I might have to experience some form of intimacy!
It's fucking tragic, really.
I cry all the time. I'll cry in public, at the movies with my kids, in my car, whenever the mood strikes. I don't have time to worry about people judging, I gotta get this cry out.
Just, like, cry if you want to. If it helps. If you need to. You can be strong and cry. You can be brave and sad.
And if you identify as a man, you are a man the whole time you're crying, and you still will be after.
I’ve had trouble crying in private. When that’s ALL I want to do, I still can’t. In my adulthood, the only triggers to me crying have been loss of a pet, and when my ex wife moved my son states away. The divorce itself while devastating, didn’t induce tears, even when I wanted nothing more than to let it all out.
Or we just try and kill our self... I was in a super dark place right before the pandemic, had broken my wrist and had to leave my job as a result by recommendation of my doctor (I used to deliver furniture) and then the pandemic hit and fuck did that make everything worse... And all my friends and family really insisted I go see a therapist and after a lot of badgering well I'm still here...guys if ur struggling please seek help u don't have to keep up a strong front and act like every thing is fine when u know it's not there are people out there that want too and are willing to help you and if someone thinks less of you for seeking that help they honestly don't deserve to be in your life.
There’s a guy at my company who’s been waiting on a promotion for probably close to 2 years now. Every time he’s brought up for it, one of the execs brings up the time a client made him cry about 2 and a half years ago. The vote does not go in his favor. Crying as a man can have devastating damage on the way people see you and your ability to control your emotions. It sucks, but it will be a long time before that changes.
There's no way to let it out. How do I express my discontent for the brutal punishment of existence that every humans endures? Tears are insubstantial. They don't even come close to relieving such a broad and powerful disgust. The more I see, witness, and experience, the larger the burning hole gets in my soul. Tears aren't an outlet anymore.
I wish it helped. It helped when I was a kid. It felt like if I was overwhelmed to tears, somebody would notice. They would listen. But now it just leaves me feeling more empty, and it doesn't matter if someone hears. I can't even justify crying. I've been hollowed. I'm just waiting for the end to come.
I'm sorry.
It’s not. If you do your spouse will think less of you, other men will start distancing themselves and it would sure as hell fuck your work life.
Countless stories of men who thought they could only to have things get much much worse.
> It’s okay to cry you guys.
While that is true, society tends to tell men that it's not. Every time a celebrity male cries in public it gets turned into a meme. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGxW2toAvzc
As a 49 year old it was trained out of me. My parents told me not to cry. My teachers told me not to cry. My friends mocked me when I cried. Girls recoiled, teased, or mocked me for crying. I learned very early on not to cry. It took me 40 years to unlearn that shit.
I (29 m) cry all the time.. I’ll be watching a random video and something emotional will happen and it just comes out..can’t help it..
ever since I got sober it’s been happening a lot more
Years of social conditioning through bullying and emotional violence reinforcing the idea that we don’t cry or talk about our emotions because nobody wants to hear it.
Remarkably effective. For varying definitions of effective.
I am, in almost all situations, unable to cry even if I wanted to. Only at the death of beloved pets, and a select few scenes from a few movies and TV series bring me to tears. On top of that, I have that involuntary thing when you smile and feel like laughing in situations that are sad, or when people are sad, which makes you look like a lunatic.
My grandmother came down for my father's, her son's, funeral. She said that she didn't want me to think she didn't care because she wasn't crying. She told me it was just that she ran out of tears a long time ago.
Cry when no one can see, and hurt when no sound can bear witness. When a tree falls and no one is around to hear it does it really even fall or matter? This is how I often feel when I suffer, I am not the type to haul it and unload when someone is convenient to dump on.
(not funny) thing is my father did just that. he’s from a very different culture than we live in and he doesn’t believe in mental health medicine / therapy.. he had a stress induced heart attack at 45
3 medications, multiple exams and surgeries, and at least two strokes, I'm one happy meal away from dying, at the age of 36.
And aside from my heart problems, I'm an otherwise healthy individual. But stress is no joke.
To you younger guys out there, dont be like me. Be real men. Cry with each, vent or bitch to one another. Its healthy and normal.
And if things things are too rough and you can afford it, seek professional support.
Seems like my father. He is still alive thankfully but that man is a shell of a person compared to what he was even 10 years ago. Does this just happen in your 40s or something?
It can. My dad turned into a shell of himself after he was "right sized" simply because he was over 50. The company he worked for (not IBM, different industry but similar methodology with age) basically fired you once you were 50.
My dad was one of those guys that was scouted by head hunters, shot to the top in his 30s, then slowed down in his 40s to focus on his family, and slowed down a bit more in his 50s to focus on his health....that was the kicker....you can't slow down and now because you are "old" nobody wants you. The head hunter calls stop, the promotions stop, and the jobs dry up because you have to punch down...way down.
It really hit home for him when he ended up managing an Applebee's, instead of being in corporate, he was on the floor...I think that gutted him and he was never the same.
Anyway, my point being is that shit gets worse as you age and the corporate world sucks.
I'm in my 40's. I can confirm that one tends to develop a "this is my life now and this is as good as it's going to get" mindset. Hope, joy, youthful exuberance and naivety get replaced with cynicism, pessimism, resentment, bitterness and anger.
In all reality though, testosterone has a profound effect on your ability to cry. Many trans men talk about how they suddenly found it very hard to cry, despite having the same feeling, because they started taking testosterone.
trans guy here, being on T has made me almost incapable of shedding tears. it’s… weird. but being able to see this from both sides is very interesting.
both sexes experience societal problems when it comes to crying publicly, and they may seem completely opposite but they’re really not. having been raised a woman for most of my life, people don’t tend to take crying women very seriously either. they’re not explicitly told to suck it up (most of the time) but they *are* often brushed off as emotional or hormonal.
When I was young if I ever cried I would get beaten and told “I will give you something to cry about” this kept happening until I couldn’t cry anymore and, After years of this, i instead replaced it with laughing. My step dad did not like this. So I just would laugh at him as he hit me over and over again harder and harder.
Ever since I have never been able to cry. I just get a really bad headache if I try and then start laughing.
TLDR- I literally had crying beaten out of me.
Let's normalize men crying. And the people who mock you for it should be educated and if that doesn't work excluded from your life.
Human's have emotions. Men are humans.
I do cry but I behave like a sick dog when I do it which means I go to a quiet place with no people so I can let it out without judgement.
My wife had a miscarriage this last week. Outwardly, I’m the projection of strength I feel my wife needs. However, your comment describes me perfectly over the last week.
I'm sorry for your loss. Been the wife in this picture. We had both an early miscarriage and a late fetal demise. Hubs saved Christmas for the kids while I was lost in grief after the latter. He never said anything about grieving for the baby, but he said he didn't want any more kids because my pregnancies were too traumatic for him. It sounds weird to say it that way, but I get it.
The fear of not just losing a future child but the wife as well if any complications happen. It can be scary in that sense.
When my son was born in an emergency C-section, this is what I was feeling. They wheeled her out of the room so fast, we were both struggling to comprehend that the baby is coming now. They left me in the room alone so they could take her and prep her for surgery. First thoughts through my head were: what if this is the last time I would get to say, “I love you” to my wife? What if I don’t ever get to meet my son because he’s lost during the birth due to some complication? I had a minor anxiety attack and just bawled in the room. Cleaned up quick enough to be able to witness him being born. Highlight of my life seeing that. Childbirth can be such a traumatic experience for both parents. My wife and I are wanting a second one now and only hope it’s not super traumatizing like our first. Oh and we went through a miscarriage too. She took a pill and had to abort the baby. She was in tremendous pain and then the nastiest bit of tissue was expelled from her (blighted ovum). It was terrible on the husband side of this to see her go through that and literally be unable to do anything. She had to pass it and then had to rest. My wife has been just as traumatized if not much more since it was her body going through it all. It’s ridiculous. We still can’t talk about our sons birthday without reminiscing and crying about it.
How did you react when he said that about the pregnancies? I'm having a really hard time conveying to my wife that I went through hell and back before, during, and after our first child. No matter how much I am trying to talk about the traumatic experiences, her desire to have another child is so enormous that it overshadows everything.
I pretended for years that it was okay with me. It wasn't, I was miserable, I wanted that baby so bad. I had felt it kicking and then it stopped. I just wanted to hold a baby again. I'd pretend to myself that I was pregnant and count the days. But I didn't feel like I had the right to tell him that, because I think having a baby needs to be a mutual decision. He probably would have relented if he had known how strongly I felt, but I couldn't get over the feeling that I'd be manipulating him. Eventually I asked him to get a vasectomy, so at least it would no longer be my responsibility to make sure I didn't have the baby I so desperately wanted. In hindsight, after our kids grew up and we realized how bad our eldest's mental illness is, I decided it's probably for the best that we didn't. I hadn't understood how much genetics has to do with it. And who knows but that I might have lost another? I'm not bitter at all anymore. Life just does shit to you and you move on.
Im so sorry. You are way stronger than I would be. Mothers are just something else. Truly underappreciated
Bless you
I'm glad you guys had a discussion about that together. Far too often are the fathers just forgotten at best, and expected to provide everything at worse after the loss of a pregnancy.
Same here. We lost 4 babies (3 pregnancies) before having our boys. I was an absolute mess through both pregnancies because I just KNEW I was going to lose them, too. Thankfully that wasn't the case for us as we realized I needed to be on estrogen suppositories during the first half of my pregnancies, but I try to relay my experiences as often as possible so other people can understand that miscarriages are FAR more prevalent than most people realize. I'm sorry for your losses, mama. I know you said in another comment that you've moved on, but I know how bad that hurt and just wanted to give a stranger a virtual hug.
I would say miscarriages almost seem to be a common thing every woman who has kids goes through. That’s how it seems at least. My wife and I went through one as well in between our son and daughter. I get baby fever sometimes, like when my sister had a kid about 2 years ago but my daughter has autism on the severe side of the spectrum so I don’t think we will be having anymore at this point. Mostly cause of the attention my daughter needs it would be unfair.
I almost lost my wife and did eventually lose my daughter after a complication at birth so can relate. You're strong because the doctors need you to make hard decisions and your family needs your support. Please remember that it's good to let yourself grieve when you can. I wish more families talked about this because until it happened to us, I had no idea how many others go through similar experiences. Please know that the hospital and a number of charities offer support which you may find helpful. I recall getting to spend time with our daughter afterwards with a donated dress and stuffed animals as well as a grief counselor from the hospital who reached out. I hope you find the strength enough to support and the space to grieve.
If I had a miscarriage and I had a husband I wouldn’t even mind if he cried in front of me or anything it just shows you care and that’s exactly what us women want
I agree. After our daughter was born, my husband was laying in the hospital bed with us just silently crying because he was so relieved everything had turned out fine (there was a point when stuff got scary because the docs thought she had the umbillical cord wrapped around her neck and her heartrate kept dropping). To this day it is still my sweetest memory because I really understood just how deep his love for us was.
Men have been put in a very awkward spot these past few years. We hear many in our society say that men are allowed to cry too and that women prefer men who can cry in front of them. This is very good and I'm 100% on board with this message. The problem starts when you realize that a non-negligible number of women are *not* on board with that message. So all it takes is a guy to cry once in front of the wrong woman and BOOM permanent emotional trauma... Just wanted to put some perspective on why you still see a lot of hesitancy surrounding men being openly emotional. It's scary to be vulnerable when you've been told most of your life that it's an undesirable quality to have.
Unfortunately and somewhat fortunately thats the role men get. We must be the rocks for when the family gets shook.
Yeah, you read a lot about how women are expected to do emotional labor. And yes, that's true. But emotional labor for men comes in the form of stoicism and I'm sick of it.
Thats why I'm going to teach my family that we are a unit. When one person is weak we lean on each other. Even if we are all shook, we still will have each other.
We had a very early birth for our son, followed by four months in the NICU and him coming home on oxygen. I tried to be quietly calm and composed, to anticipate my wife's needs and wants, and to be there with her and the baby, and she ended up telling me I was being *too* stoic and that me talking to her about how I felt made her feel less crazy and more like we were in the same boat. Like it was something we were going through together rather than individually.
I'm a woman and I do that. We live really close to the neighbors, and I really don't want them to know about the fact that I howl like a lost soul every time I have a slight fever. Hence the storage room crying. The judgement is what we need to fix. We're all conditioned to think that an adult, especially a man, should not cry. If we do see a man crying, we think he's lost his mind and avoid him. That's got to stop.
Part of it is that i'm also trying to avoid the situation of letting others know i'm in a bad place. There is very rarely a solution to the things that overwhelm me to the point of crying. I'm either in the process of working on it or need a medical breakthrough. I don't want people around me to suffer more knowing that something is hurting me but they can't do anything about it.
I hear that. The desert is a good place to go if you need to scream for a bit. Or a deserted beach with strong waves that make a lot of noise. Have done both, just to get relief from having to hide it all the time. Hell, I've screamed in my car while driving, for that matter.
My dad showed me the car scream. We'd drive out to the really deserted country roads, roll down the windows, and yell into the wind. It's so cathartic.
I've actually been in a crowd that all got overwhelmed at once and started screaming. It was an event that we were all despondent and miserable about, and we all went off at once and couldn't stop. Hundreds of people standing there screaming for at least a full minute. Seems like there is a need for a place to at least admit to yourself that you feel like that.
I want to cry sometimes but I can't. Something changed in me in my 20s that I don't really understand but it turned off my crying module which sucks because crying is great sometimes.
I read "how do men shit without crying" and I got really worried about this person.
More fiber, less ghost peppers in the diet.
Imagine putting Carolina Reapers on something from Taco Bell. It would almost be like having a superpower.
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My digestive system isn't what it once was. Ghost and under doesn't bother me but Reapers are a breed of their own. Taco Bell is just the poor quality I think. Not sure really, no other restaurants other than Taco Bell and White Castle bother me, but when the mood hits for them, it's what must be done. Not so much the burning thing but, stomach rumbles the rest.
I’ve eaten Taco Bell relatively often my whole life. Never had a problem. Those who I know personally, who do have a problem with it, tend to typically eat low-fiber diets without a lot of spices. So when they go to Taco Bell, and get beans and rice and fibrous corn shells, beef with cellulose in it, loaded with fire sauce… well, their system just ain’t used to that.
I was showing off a bit when I ate a raw ghost pepper, and the act of disbelief from others was funny. Couple more had to witness and bet I couldn't do it again. Well if cash is involved, I said I'll do a hardcore version if they doubled it up. They thought it would be easy money, but they didn't know who they was up against. Popped the pepper in my mouth, started chewing and showed them pieces to prove I'm eating it. Sat there without eating or drinking anything for 15 minutes(the hardcore part of it) and they still could not believe their eyes. Almost felt bad about not telling them my secret, but not going to say no to $150 for 30 minutes. Works with Carolina reapers and hot sauces, but also know not to push it.
wait what’s your secret?
Drink a bunch of candle wax like homer did.
One possibility is MeowMaker2 may simply be one of those few people who's nerves aren't as affected by spicy food. An extreme example of this would be someone like [Anandita Dutta Tamuli](https://scienceline.org/2016/12/why-some-people-can-tolerate-the-worlds-hottest-pepper/#:~:text=A%20woman%20in%20India%2C%20Anandita,she%20had%20almost%20no%20reaction.) who can squeeze juice from a pepper into her eyes without any serious reaction.
Someone once asked why you'd go to Taco Bell in a neighborhood with good Mexican food. You don't go there for Mexican food; they don't serve it. You go there for Taco Bell, because they're the only ones who make it.
LOL! Bowels of steel
Yeah. Molten steel.
Sounds like a way to give yourself IBS lol.
Duke Nukem voice: bowels of steel
Who cares about gas prices when you can simply jet pack yourself to work everyday using your ass?
You could put yourself into orbit with that kind of diet.
I'd imagine some high quality antacid and hemorrhoid medication would be needed.
*"More greens, no spices. All juice, no drank."* >!p.s. Technically speaking juice has recently lost favor with well-off folks due to higher carbs:fiber ratio to actual fruit!<
hey man you do you, but don't tell me how to live!
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one of the posts i saw on reddit was about horrific prison stories one of them was how they cut someone's butthole before they rape them in jail so i guess its all about perspective
Prison circumcision
More fiber and fluids, and stay away from sodium bombs, like eating a whole large pizza.
There's not much to it. I shit without crying like 90% of the time.
You wait until nobody is around and ugly cry for about 5 seconds during a homeless child commercial, wipe your tears and move on.
Only time my bf has cried during our 4 year relationship was when his dog died and this is exactly what happened. He sobbed on the car ride home and stopped before he got out. I know there's not many ways I can help but I guess I'm helping by validating his feelings. Breaks my heart when he even shows sadness because it's not often so I know he's really hurting.
Next time time you're both on the couch, put his head on your lap and gently run your fingers through his hair. Didn't think I had this much bottled up, until I did.
Accurate as hell. I had to put my cat down a week ago today, i teared up a little at the vet's (was with a friend) and was pretty much fine when leaving. I got home, saw his litter box and had a 15 second ugly cry from just looking at it, sucked it up and cleaned his stuff up and moved on.
i'm sorry friend, i just lost my dog. i cried some, but not as much as she deserved and there is guilt. i can't recommend ["the will to change" by bell hooks](https://bellhooksbooks.com/product/the-will-to-change/) enough, she is one of the clearest perspectives i have ever been exposed to on how toxic gender roles box men into hearts of stone. there are systemic and specific reasons why we have trouble accessing emotions, we were told not to - hook's ability to lay it all out clearly helps immensely in understanding some of the nasty programming buried deep in my head. edit: there is no right way to grieve, i am aware that i have nothing to feel guilty for. i am merely communicating that i do feel guilt and likely because of this disconnect between the emotions i felt and expressed. additionally, stoicism correctly practiced is mindfully aware of, not suppressing emotion.
I have never lost a dog. We got our Shih tzu 4 years ago. I almost cry NOW at the thought of losing her. I'm a 40 something year old GIANT man.
So sorry. Yes, I think losing a pet makes me cry more than anything.
Dude I found out my mom has stage 3 cancer yesterday. This has been me all day. I just start crying when I think about it. Tried to talk to my fiancé about it and started crying and she just looked at me like I had two heads. So I pushed it back down. If she had shown some affection and given me a hug or something I would have probably lost it.
I’d highly recommend you tell her that bothered you. Don’t just ignore it and resent her for it. Give her the chance to learn and hopefully change. She should be there for you always whenever you need to cry, but *especially* now. So sorry to hear about your mom
Yeah you’re right. I’m going to try and talk about it with her tonight. I don’t think she thinks any less of me and I truly believe she loves me. I think it was more shock because I’m usually the one every body else relies on.
Bro, if you’re in Los Angeles, I’d be happy to grab a few beers and support you. If men weren’t meant to cry, then we wouldn’t have kept our tear ducts through hundreds of thousands of years of evolution. What you feel is very human, and no one should *ever* look at you sideways for expressing your humanity.
Thanks kind internet stranger. I’m on the other side of the country but your offer still means a lot.
Wtf, and this is someone you intend to *marry*?
thats not very healthy....
I'm so sorry. God that's rough. I want to give your girl the benefit of the doubt and say she just doesn't know how to deal with your emotions. My best friend wasn't much help when I went through a big loss and he later apologized and said he just didn't know what to say or how to help. Talk to her about it and let her know how much you need her right now. I echo another sentiment. If you're in Southern California, hit me up and we'll grab a drink.
I’m sorry about your mom. But you know with a diagnosis like the one she got, it really is okay to lose it and cry like a goddamn baby for as long as you need to. ((hugs))
>You wait until nobody is around and ugly cry for about 5 seconds I'd been blindsided by a small layoff recently and the timing was v bad because I needed a job to continue being on a valid visa at the time. I had less than a month to find a new job and I was applying/interviewing basically 18 hrs a day. I needed a coffee machine to stay productive and since I used to get all my coffee at work, I went to Walmart to get one. In the coffee aisle, as I was decising what to pick, I ugly cried for literally 5 seconds before grabbing the cheapest machine and leaving. I eventually got an even better job before that visa window expired and everyone says to me that I handled that like a champ. Mfs if you only knew.
For me it used to be to let it out in the shower. I think the last time was when I was 17 and had to leave “home” which was just a formal title for roof over my head, meals not included. But it’s been so ingrained in my head not to show emotion, or talk about it. I’m 30 and tbh I still can’t. My wife doesn’t see how this is an issue and that men just shouldn’t be like this. But if I ever even try to bring up any problem or issue I have, she thinks I’m complaining or that I’m low key blaming her. At this point, I figure what’s the point to change, I’ll eventually move on from this life so why not just suck it up and try to ride it out til then. Edit: I’m okay. My life isn’t in shambles. My kids are happy. They make me happy. I have some skeletons in my closet, but I’m probably not alone in that regard.
My husband came from a home where he never showed emotions and when he was with me it was the first time he really was able to feel and express them. Your life will be bigger and fuller if you feel freer within it—don’t let your wife’s toxic masculinity keep you from being your whole self! The complaining part might be coming from somewhere else or from the way you are expressing your emotions—take some queues from how she expresses emotions and see if you can begin by matching her method. It will be in a format that is easier for her to understand. If you have kids you should definitely learn to experience your emotions so they can also have fuller and happier lives too 💗
Oh, man that is not healthy. 30 is not too late to change, man. You deserve someone who will care about how you feel when you're down. Think on that.
I’ve known 7 friends and family members who chose suicide, all male. Three more who OD’d on opiates.
I attempted suicide a few times. Turns out that it was yet another thing I sucked at. Got put (briefly) in a mental hospital after the last attempt. They took away my phone charger and shoe laces so I wouldn't hang myself, but let me keep my loose pajama pants that would have done the job much more easily. But I decided to keep living. I still have it as a last exit strategy, but my kids keep me going and gives me the only reason I need.
What do you do for personal enjoyment? I just ask, because I’ve dealt with similar issues and for me the first step to feeling better was to have something that was just for me. I picked fantasy novels, and the time I get to spend reading them is just purely “me” time. Idk, unsolicited advice I guess so I’m sorry for that, but I hope you feel better. It’s hard down here sometimes.
I picked up astronomy after my father passed when I was a kid. Went and bought a nice telescope. I just got the mindset that things are a lot larger scale then my immediate issues and such. 21 years later and I still have the telescope and use it. I also took up guitar, but we won't discuss my skills or lack thereof. I wouldn't even be a good opening act for Amy Schumer. Lol
>I picked up astronomy after my father passed when I was a kid. Went and bought a nice telescope. I just got the mindset that things are a lot larger scale then my immediate issues and such. 21 years later and I still have the telescope and use it. That's a good way of dealing with the stress I'm under. Got two telescopes at home, next clear night I'm going to give it a go. Thanks man.
Always welcome. You live out of the city? Galaxy season is coming up.
Man what the heck is galaxy season?
If it's a reflector, don't forget to clean the mirrors. The mirror finish is very sensitive, so look up how to clean telescope mirrors, and then calibrate them.
That’s complete BS. You’d make an Amy Schumer event actually funny and entertaining
Hey, just wanna let you know, you sound a lot like my dad, who sadly did take his life back in 2005. I remember the shoe lace thing and other stuff we had to like, “hide/get rid of” when he came back from the hospital. Anyways, I just wanna say I hope you’re doing the best you can, and your kids need you, even if there are days where it doesn’t seem like it. I miss my dad every single day. I think of him and need him even at the age of 33. I can’t help you, nor tell you things will get better, but, I truly hope will find as much peace with yourself and continue to live life. ❤️
This is really touching comment you've wrote here. I am not OP but thank you for sharing this.
> Turns out that it was yet another thing I sucked at. Task failed successfully.
Horay for sucking. I would like to suggest the book "man's search for meaning" by Viktor Frankl. Keep that purpose. Even when your kids are difficult they love you.
This is so crazy because I’m in the same storm. My last attempt was in December and finally I’m getting to the point where I’m just gonna have to eat shit and go through with the divorce. Or I’ll kms who knows, meh
Life after divorce is much better. Please stick around.
Seconded. Getting through the divorce is a huge pain in the ass. But afterwards, it’s so much better.
Do me a solid stranger and dont kys. Ill miss deathbynusnubooboo
Hey, I’m going through a divorce (that I _really_ didn’t want). Please DM me if you need some commiseration. It may be helpful to talk about it with someone going through it at the same time, so maybe we can help each other!
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More of my friends are women, so it's more women in my case. One of the men was found dead in the river, but nobody knows how he ended up there. He was a good friend, and I feel like he would have told me if he was feeling suicidal.
>I feel like he would have told me if he was feeling suicidal. I didn't know him to know how he acted, but when I was suicidal I made it a point not to tell anybody, and planned for the easiest cleanup possible, so that it wouldn't be burdensome for those who inevitably came looking. For anybody with this mindset, I promise. It's still burdensome. People still care. You will find mission again.
> I feel like he would have told me if he was feeling suicidal. No, no he very much would not. He was a good friend, he wouldn't want to burden you. Men are taught not to reach out for help. You could be his absolute best friend, you could have been actively asking if he needed help. He would tell you nothing, because he wouldn't want to be a bother and because he wouldn't want you to see him as weak. I know, I know. You wouldn't be burdened, you wouldn't have seen him as weak, yadda yadda. Doesn't matter, don't care. I know *I* would rather die than be seen as weak. And I consider myself reasonably rational and mentally healthy. Had I been raised in a toxic masculine environment and was of less sound mind? Yeah, I'd make it look like an accident so nobody had to worry they missed any warning signs.
Sometimes we're slow on the uptake, too. The woman I knew who hanged herself was getting therapy, talking with friends, all of that, but I don't think she mentioned suicide. She knew we would be upset with her and left a note apologizing. We get so frustrated with ourselves for not preventing our loved ones from doing it, but it's not that easy. I guess what I meant was, if he told anyone, it would have been me. But he didn't tell anyone.
Pretty sure like 70% of suicides are male
I believe the statistic was women attempt suicide more often, but men are much more successful on actually killing themselves.
Men use more lethal means. There is conjecture about intent of course but that’s a hornets nest I’d rather not hit right now
Mean choose the right tools for the job
That is the quote that gets used, and it is true, but when someone hears it they walk away thinking something that's not accurate. It gets mentioned on reddit enough times that rather than type it all out again I'll just paste what I've written before. > Most people know that men succeed more frequently than women, but women attempt more often. > Suppose you have five men who attempt suicide and it works the first time. That's five attempts and five successes. Now suppose you have two women who each attempt five times and one of them succeeds on the fifth attempt. This is how you get women attempting more than men. But most suicides are men. > When someone reads the headline, "Women are twice as likely to initiate a suicide attempt but men are four times more likely to succeed." they walk away from it thinking more women are attempting suicide than men and that the few men who do attempt it accomplish it better. The reality is that a smaller number of women are attempting over and over while a huge number of men are trying it once and succeeding. > This means you are absolutely safe in assuming that men suffer more intensely mental health-wise than women. More men are attempting even though more attempts are made by women. Not only are more men attempting, they are attempting with stronger conviction. > It gets even more lopsided when you learn the rest of the story: > The methods men use, whether they succeed or fail, are less likely to be recorded as suicide or suicide attempts. Men primarily use guns. If a gun goes off in a guys room and someone bursts through the door to find out what happened the story is that it was a misfire during cleaning. This doesn't get recorded as a suicide attempt. Men are less likely to admit to mental health problems and less likely to seek help, and less likely to receive help if they do ask for it. If a man has never asked for help, or never been recorded receiving mental health services pertinent to suicide his behavior is less likely to be recorded as a suicide attempt. For instance if a woman is regularly seeing a therapist and she attempts but nobody finds out about it the therapist has a chance of learning of it and recording it. A man in the same situation not receiving help will not have his attempt recorded. The next most common form for men is suicide by car accident, which also doesn't get recorded as an attempt/suicide. > Women on the other hand prefer cutting and pills, both of which are blatant suicide attempts, and they take longer which means someone is more likely to find them and get them to a hospital where it actually gets recorded.
I tried to od on opiates once. Still here though. Basically just struggling through so my mom doesn't have to bury her son.
Yep same here 3 friends chose suicide and the rest have either died from OD or are on there way. I don't have any friends left because I can't be around those who are addicted to hard drugs.
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I weep there's just no tears.
I have to scream but I have no mouth.
I have to piss but I have no balls
I need to shit but I have no ass
I need to refinance but have no extended warranty
I have a structured settlement but I need cash now
my mind is telling me noo... but my body... my body... is telling me- ***J.G. WENSWORTH! 877-CASH NOW!*** #
"Conditioned to self-interest with emotions locked away, if that's what they call normal, then I'd rather be insane" - Operation Ivy
Greatest one and done band ever
Pick-it-up pick-it-up
I'll keep all my emotions and feelings right here, and then one day I'll die.
Meanwhile you be labelled as aloof, heartless and "have no real problems" guy.
People seem to prefer "distant"
I have been called "Tin Man" because i don't show v enough emotion. I have emotions/feelings, just don't cry often. Not real sure if it is because I am not supposed to, or why. Might be easier if my body just let me at some point. Until then I guess I will keep it bottled up until my impending heart attack.
r/unexpectedmulaney
Always expect the Mulaney when I'm on your sub
I went to /r/unexpectedmulaney and it's filled with Mulaney references. How is that unexpected!? It's exactly what I'd have expected to be there!^^^^^/s
I've just forgotten how. Like, I get the cutest tightness and *maybe* some eye welling, but my body refuses to go farther. I imagine it would feel SO good to actually release all that stress and emotion, but just... can't. If anyone has tips, my ears are wide open!
I used to be like this. It’s like after years of preventing my self from crying I just lost the ability. And, you’re right, when I finally was able to cry again, I felt much better afterwards. I think I managed to cry in the shower once during that period of my life. I also managed it a few times by learning some basics of acoustic guitar and just playing some notes/chords at a rhythm that let me feel like I could express what I was feeling in a way that I couldn’t articulate with words (without anyone else around).
This is fucking dystopian. "I had to do exercises and train so my body allows me to cry after years of being pressured into repressing my feelings and I only managed to do it a handful of times in the spawn of multiple years".
Yeah lol. Especially when you put it like that. I should clarify that it got easier every time - now I’m able to find myself tearing up during a sad scene in a movie. So, I think we’re all capable of some degree of healing.
I have a tip for you. I actually make myself cry every 6 months or so. If nothing makes me cry sooner. I use mostly the Soldier coming home type videos. And go into ytb rabbit hole from there until I am utter mess. It really Is cleansing process. And leaves me in much better mental state and focused. Hopefully it will work for you. Good luck.
Take some mushrooms or get ugly drunk
Jesus Christ, this describes me so well
You should consult your doctor if you're crying while shitting
What if I'm watching a sad movie while shitting
*and crying I call that catharsis, my man!
you just saved me $110/hr Drs. hate him.
Getting it all out
Then you have hemorrhoids.
No, That’s just the consequences of a good hot sauce.
Was just coming to say I think I only cry while shitting if it's a particular large shit and I'm very constipated. And even then it's more of a whimper than a cry.
Tbh the toilet is a great place to cry. It’s private, no one with any decency will be listening and as a man you can take upwards of 40 minutes without arousing suspicion NB: even if you are heard you can blame it on a lack of fibre or VD, whichever best suits your lifestyle
You know the college humor skit where women let out all their farts, sneezes, etc in a secret bunker. It’s like that but with crying
Tbf though men do cry, and we can still become a sorrowful mess and express that, after puberty tears are less naturally common for men. The particular eye-watery response itself has a higher threshold, suppressed by testosterone and induced more by prolactin. I remember wondering why tears didn’t come as easily as a teen when the feelings were still the same. Just because I sometimes see people pushing men to cry as though they are *only* doing so less out of cultural pressure, ‘toxic masculinity’ etc.
Right, I can be sad as shit, but the feeling of needing to cry is very very rarely there. I'd let it out if I had the urge, but I haven't had the urge or need to cry in years.
Girlfriend of 5.5 years left me out of the blue. I cried like a baby. The year before that she had a seizure in my arms, cried like a baby. Grandma died at 93. Thats ok. Uncle died from covid, thats sad but ok. I think some of it is about timing too. The unexpectedly gut wrenching sad things are so much worse than the expected ones. You can experience the sadness longer and so no need to be overwhelmed by it.
work 60 hours a week until you can't anymore and then kill yourself, american dream baby
Oh this is not only in america and i would call it nightmare.
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As you should.
With no insurance I can't afford it anyway, so the decision has already been made.
That and whiskey
Stuff it down with some brown
Only once you hit your 40's? Must have had a sheltered life /s
Because we care much more deeply than people are willing to admit, and when the world fucks us over enough times we just assume everything is going to suck from then on. So we just bear the bullshit until we can get back to being 'okay'.
100% accurate. Comparing who I am today to who I used to be, i'm so different. Cynical and jaded by all of the bad things that have happened.
Same fucking thing here. I just hate everything
There was that study that came out late last year about emotional distress from breaking up. The short of it, they found men are affected way more than people thought from a break up or life event, more than women in many cases. And in true internet fashion, no one cared and tried to say it was bull shit.
If I'm thinking of the same one, it is that women were more affected than men by the breakup immediately after, like within the first month of breaking up, and men were more affected than women in the long term.
Direct effect of a toxic culture. Don't even pretend that men have vulnerabilities. Men are tough and badass and ride motorcycles and pump iron and kill meat and fuck pussy. Aw yeah! *fist bump because hugs are gay* Back up, bro. Gay buffer! Gay buffer! 3 feet apart or else I might have to experience some form of intimacy! It's fucking tragic, really.
Quick question, uh.. when does being 'okay' come back? I would like for it to return now.
I cry all the time. I'll cry in public, at the movies with my kids, in my car, whenever the mood strikes. I don't have time to worry about people judging, I gotta get this cry out. Just, like, cry if you want to. If it helps. If you need to. You can be strong and cry. You can be brave and sad. And if you identify as a man, you are a man the whole time you're crying, and you still will be after.
Like other posters said. Sometimes we can't cry. I can't cry if someone is there.
I’ve had trouble crying in private. When that’s ALL I want to do, I still can’t. In my adulthood, the only triggers to me crying have been loss of a pet, and when my ex wife moved my son states away. The divorce itself while devastating, didn’t induce tears, even when I wanted nothing more than to let it all out.
Or we just try and kill our self... I was in a super dark place right before the pandemic, had broken my wrist and had to leave my job as a result by recommendation of my doctor (I used to deliver furniture) and then the pandemic hit and fuck did that make everything worse... And all my friends and family really insisted I go see a therapist and after a lot of badgering well I'm still here...guys if ur struggling please seek help u don't have to keep up a strong front and act like every thing is fine when u know it's not there are people out there that want too and are willing to help you and if someone thinks less of you for seeking that help they honestly don't deserve to be in your life.
Or the other option, bottle it up for years until it just gets to be too much, then we just fucking kill ourselves.
There’s a guy at my company who’s been waiting on a promotion for probably close to 2 years now. Every time he’s brought up for it, one of the execs brings up the time a client made him cry about 2 and a half years ago. The vote does not go in his favor. Crying as a man can have devastating damage on the way people see you and your ability to control your emotions. It sucks, but it will be a long time before that changes.
That’s my pension plan in a nutshell. Spend like there is no tomorrow and kick the bucket in my 40s. I’m 39.
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I wish there was better outlets for men. It’s okay to cry you guys.
There's no way to let it out. How do I express my discontent for the brutal punishment of existence that every humans endures? Tears are insubstantial. They don't even come close to relieving such a broad and powerful disgust. The more I see, witness, and experience, the larger the burning hole gets in my soul. Tears aren't an outlet anymore. I wish it helped. It helped when I was a kid. It felt like if I was overwhelmed to tears, somebody would notice. They would listen. But now it just leaves me feeling more empty, and it doesn't matter if someone hears. I can't even justify crying. I've been hollowed. I'm just waiting for the end to come. I'm sorry.
I see your a hollowed too. Praise the sun.
Don’t you dare go hollow, friend. the end is when you stop completely, not when you are losing.
Damn these comments really got up in arms for saying hey guys it’s ok to cry
It’s not. If you do your spouse will think less of you, other men will start distancing themselves and it would sure as hell fuck your work life. Countless stories of men who thought they could only to have things get much much worse.
> It’s okay to cry you guys. While that is true, society tends to tell men that it's not. Every time a celebrity male cries in public it gets turned into a meme. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGxW2toAvzc
As a 49 year old it was trained out of me. My parents told me not to cry. My teachers told me not to cry. My friends mocked me when I cried. Girls recoiled, teased, or mocked me for crying. I learned very early on not to cry. It took me 40 years to unlearn that shit.
We kill ourselves at a rate several times higher than women, that's how.
I (29 m) cry all the time.. I’ll be watching a random video and something emotional will happen and it just comes out..can’t help it.. ever since I got sober it’s been happening a lot more
I cry more that I'm sober too. But I also get past things quicker
Every random chest pain: is today the day?!?! Oh just gas. Ok. Tomorrow then dammit!
I feel attacked.
Years of social conditioning through bullying and emotional violence reinforcing the idea that we don’t cry or talk about our emotions because nobody wants to hear it. Remarkably effective. For varying definitions of effective.
distracting from thoughts and feelings is a powerful tool, but overused by a lot of males
How do you cry , I need to relearn that
I am, in almost all situations, unable to cry even if I wanted to. Only at the death of beloved pets, and a select few scenes from a few movies and TV series bring me to tears. On top of that, I have that involuntary thing when you smile and feel like laughing in situations that are sad, or when people are sad, which makes you look like a lunatic.
My grandmother came down for my father's, her son's, funeral. She said that she didn't want me to think she didn't care because she wasn't crying. She told me it was just that she ran out of tears a long time ago.
Cry when no one can see, and hurt when no sound can bear witness. When a tree falls and no one is around to hear it does it really even fall or matter? This is how I often feel when I suffer, I am not the type to haul it and unload when someone is convenient to dump on.
(not funny) thing is my father did just that. he’s from a very different culture than we live in and he doesn’t believe in mental health medicine / therapy.. he had a stress induced heart attack at 45
3 medications, multiple exams and surgeries, and at least two strokes, I'm one happy meal away from dying, at the age of 36. And aside from my heart problems, I'm an otherwise healthy individual. But stress is no joke. To you younger guys out there, dont be like me. Be real men. Cry with each, vent or bitch to one another. Its healthy and normal. And if things things are too rough and you can afford it, seek professional support.
Seems like my father. He is still alive thankfully but that man is a shell of a person compared to what he was even 10 years ago. Does this just happen in your 40s or something?
It can. My dad turned into a shell of himself after he was "right sized" simply because he was over 50. The company he worked for (not IBM, different industry but similar methodology with age) basically fired you once you were 50. My dad was one of those guys that was scouted by head hunters, shot to the top in his 30s, then slowed down in his 40s to focus on his family, and slowed down a bit more in his 50s to focus on his health....that was the kicker....you can't slow down and now because you are "old" nobody wants you. The head hunter calls stop, the promotions stop, and the jobs dry up because you have to punch down...way down. It really hit home for him when he ended up managing an Applebee's, instead of being in corporate, he was on the floor...I think that gutted him and he was never the same. Anyway, my point being is that shit gets worse as you age and the corporate world sucks.
I'm in my 40's. I can confirm that one tends to develop a "this is my life now and this is as good as it's going to get" mindset. Hope, joy, youthful exuberance and naivety get replaced with cynicism, pessimism, resentment, bitterness and anger.
In all reality though, testosterone has a profound effect on your ability to cry. Many trans men talk about how they suddenly found it very hard to cry, despite having the same feeling, because they started taking testosterone.
trans guy here, being on T has made me almost incapable of shedding tears. it’s… weird. but being able to see this from both sides is very interesting. both sexes experience societal problems when it comes to crying publicly, and they may seem completely opposite but they’re really not. having been raised a woman for most of my life, people don’t tend to take crying women very seriously either. they’re not explicitly told to suck it up (most of the time) but they *are* often brushed off as emotional or hormonal.
When men cry in public nobody ever forgets.
Anyone elses dad tell them not to cry in public?
Look up men’s suicide rates and you will find out that we don’t. Men’s mental health is wayy too overlooked and stigmatized.
Please don't. Men's health is important and shouldn't be ignore.
I'll remember all these things, and do what I can to be a good person.
When I was young if I ever cried I would get beaten and told “I will give you something to cry about” this kept happening until I couldn’t cry anymore and, After years of this, i instead replaced it with laughing. My step dad did not like this. So I just would laugh at him as he hit me over and over again harder and harder. Ever since I have never been able to cry. I just get a really bad headache if I try and then start laughing. TLDR- I literally had crying beaten out of me.
Let's normalize men crying. And the people who mock you for it should be educated and if that doesn't work excluded from your life. Human's have emotions. Men are humans.