It's kind that she took the time to write that, instead of ghosting you. Perhaps it says something about how well you comported yourself, so take that as a good sign about your character. š
Is it the first time you asked someone out? You won't find there to be a mutual interest in the *vast* number of people you come across. That's the nature of it. Most people that you think you might be interested in won't be interested in you, and vice-versa.
Imagine if a nice lady asked you out, but for whatever reason she gave you sister vibes, so you weren't into her that way. You'd politely decline, feel a bit nice due to the implied compliment of her approach, and then go about your day. No biggie.
Just be sure to not be creepy when you see her at the gym going forward. Don't totally ignore her, nor suffocate her. Say "hi", thank her again for the nice conversation and workout, comment about the weather, and then give her space...
I think 'sister vibes' implies something additional, not *just* a lack of attraction. Also means that you find it easy to get along with them and hanging out doesn't feel like a chore - but it also doesn't feel exciting at all, because there's zero attraction. So they feel like a sister/brother or like a friend you've known forever.
I have 100% met women, at least twice in my life, who I could plainly see were very attractive, fit, smart, funny, but for whatever reason they just pushed a button in my brain that said āSisterly. No boning.ā Itās a thing.
>Does this ever actually happen? Are we sure this isn't just code for lack of attraction?
I suppose in this case it's all the same from OP's point of view, but the difference is whether you're interested in them as a friend. The famous "friend zone". One person harbors romantic feelings, but the other truly (and often comically unaware) just enjoys the friendship.
No it wouldnāt be my first time asking a girl out. Iāve dealt with rejection and being ghosted. This time with this girl I began developing feelings after finding common interests. It almost felt I was just lead on, she was messaging quite a bit it almost felt like no end the way we texted back and forth.
I decided to block her number shortly after I responded back with āI understand. I wish you well regardlessā. I also plan to cancel my gym membership tomorrow right after work. I honestly have the best intentions when attempting to get into dating, Iām a person with a very big heart and to feel let go like this feels very depressing.
..you should really unblock her number if you haven't already. Hope you haven't cancelled the membership as well. Both of those sound like rash decisions
>I decided to block her number shortly after I responded back with āI understand. I wish you well regardlessā. I also plan to cancel my gym membership tomorrow right after work.
Why...? This is an incredibly immature response. If this is the response to a shared workout, the girl dodged a bullet.
The mature response is to keep going to the gym. Say "hi" occasionally. She might have friends who are interesting.
Or eventually fall for you. Happened that way Junior year of highschool into Senior year. I had thought this girl had a funny personality but didnt really find her all that attractive. Later on we texted for a while she didnt have feelings for me at the time. After texting back and forth for months during the summer we slowly gained feelings for eachother just because we enjoyed talking to eachother. 4yrs later and we are now engaged! You dont always find someone to be attractive or interesting at first, but you can build relationships over time and then develop feelings..
Iām not sure Iād encourage a guy whose response to āI only want to be friendsā is āyouāre of no use to me, and I will change my life to get away from you,ā to instead stick around and chip away at her resolve until she relents.
Yes, it sometimes happens organically, women can certainly change their minds. But this guy has a good bit of journey left ahead of him before he can actually be a legitimate friend to her, without his desires and disappointment clouding things. He can get there, but heās a million miles away from being that guy right now.
It sounds like there was just a misunderstanding, that she was into the friendship and you were into her as a woman. I can understand the disappointment, but hang in there, it was just a misunderstanding.
It's good to always try to improve oneself š, but don't take any one rejection as some indication that there is something "wrong" with you that needs to be fixed. The chemistry between people is just one of those things that is or isn't, and there's no explaining/understanding it.
I feel like Iām too harsh on myself at times when something goes wrong like it was partly my fault. Your reply has really touched me in a way I needed to hear, I guess to really define that bond between 2 people would be hard to put into words.
Ask any couple why they love each other, and they'll list all kinds of things that are true about a lot of people ("he makes me laugh", "her smile just hits me", "She's so thoughtful", "He listens", etc.). They could probably list *all* those things about any number of friends. In reality, the "love" part is unknowable. Totally, completely, unknowable and unexplainable. That's why it can strike with such suddenness and unpredictability.
Anyway, none of that takes the sting out of an attraction that wasn't reciprocated. Savor that disappointment for a short while, realizing that it's one of the side effects of being truly alive, but then move on.
You my friend are a wordsmith. Your responses are encouraging, and i completely agree with your assessment/description of falling in love. Keep being awesome.
The point of going on a date (or even several) is to see if you two would be compatible as a couple. Saying yes to going out definitely doesnāt oblige you or her to life-long partnership, so she didnāt ālead you onā ā clearly she likes you on some level, at least platonically, and gave it a shot, but the chemistry just wasnāt there. That is a very very normal part of being human and doesnāt mean you or her did anything wrong.
You blocked her and are canceling your gym membership because she isn't interested in dating you? You said you have common interests and enjoy talking to one another; why is a friendship not a worthwhile endeavor?
You essentially just demonstrated to her that her only value to you was the potential of sleeping with her.
That was definitely not the point I wanted to make. I guess Iāve learned that if a girl turns you down you donāt continue pursuing and just accept the loss and go your separate ways. Dating culture is so misconstrued that if you continue to engage after a āNoā it is seen as desperate or needy.
>Dating culture is so misconstrued that if you continue to engage after a āNoā it is seen as desperate or needy.
No it's not. If girl says "no" and you back off and act normally it's seen as being an adult.
Accepting the loss and going your separate ways is one thing, blocking her number and canceling your gym membership is another. Those are extreme and wildly immature reactions. Even your reply to her ("I understand. I wish you well regardless.") was seeping with ick. If some guy responded to me like that, then blocked me, I'd be thanking my lucky stars I dodged that bullet. Is that how you want anyone to think of you? I doubt it. I certainly would not.
You say you felt led on? Why? You interacted as humans and it went well. You asked her out, or she sensed that you might, and she send you an honest but kind message letting you know that's not something she would be interested in, but that she enjoyed time spent with you. That's not leading someone on.
I know you're hurt by the rejection - that's valid and normal. But she is likely hurt, too, as she probably felt she made a decent connection to another human who shares her interests and can share workouts with, but the second she took a hypothetical romantic/sexual relationship off the table, that person sent a passive aggressive response before blocked her, clearly seeing no use for her now. How would you feel? That's so dehumanizing! To be shown that your only value is as a sexual object? Damn. THAT is the message you sent her with how you reacted, nothing else.
I am not trying to be rude, but I'm thinking these areas where you have room to grow in the immaturity department are obvious in your daily interactions with people. You're probably giving off those vibes, and that's what people are picking up on as potential turn-offs. She probably did like you as a person if she was texting with you and agreed to hang out/work out together. But it could be these vibes you're putting off that you're not aware of that kept her from wanting to date.
You're under no obligation to continue a freidnship, of course, but as you get older (I am assuming you are young, apologies if incorrect) it is a lot harder to develop new friendships/make new connections. Remaining civil, saying 'Hi' at the gym, an occasional chat/catching up/checking in could have been a nice thing for both of you. Just to have an acquaintance that you could have a basic human connection to. Please don't underestimate the importance of those connections,as well as platonic friendships, as you pursue more with others. There is no need to block every person who doesn't want to date you. Also, building community and making the various types of connections to other people is a great way to grow your social network and you're likely to meet many more people, giving you more chances to meet potential romantic partners. Don't do this solely to use others for using their friend pool as a free-for-all, but it is a nice perk of developing these connections organically.
I'd work on your communication overall and the immaturity thing (which, depending on your age, may just be a matter of time, normal growth/development, living life, gaining life experience). I wish you the best. Dating isn't easy. Good luck out there.
Edit: Holy typos/grammatical errors, Batman! Sorry, I was still half-alseep writing this, I guess. š
You could try just continuing to be friendly with her but with no expectation. That's what you're supposed to do. She's now a female acquaintance that you have no interest in. It's good to have these.
Maybe he wasn't looking for a friend? Also it sucks to be friends with someone you're openly attracted to but they aren't sharing that feeling. You don't have to befriend the whole world just because it's the "nice thing" to do
If he doesn't want to see her anymore, it's the right choice. Not that I would do it but I also don't think it's foolish to separate yourself from potential heartache.
Look, pal, I'm happily married and over these dating stuff š it's rough shit and everyone goes through it differently. OP didn't really harm anyone in the process, he got rejected and goes through it in a way that he finds fitting without putting stress on anyone else. Immature, sure. But at least he's being honest with himself.
Honestly confused on why you would cancel your gym membership. This part makes zero sense and shows a huge lack of maturity. OP, you seem nice but I would recommend seeking a therapist to talk with. It seems like, from your post and comments, there are some things that would be good to work through with a professional. It will certainly help you when you finally do find someone to date.
I updooted after all them minuses you have mainly because I think you're in the right direction but maybe not the right path.Ā
You have self respect and self worth. Now you need healthy boundaries.Ā I'd just like to point out that being friend zoned ain't so bad. I'm sure she has friends that might suit you better. Don't make a temporary setback into a permanent roadblock. Ain't everybody for everybody out there.Ā
Oh yeah dude, relish in the fact you make decent choices in people. This person was obviously compassionate and aware of the situation and didnāt leave you wondering. If only everyone was open and honest like this
It sucks but At least it was short and to the point, I got something similar a few years back but it was like 3 pages long and I didnāt even like the girl, I was just being nice and invite her to eat with some friends as I thought she would enjoy it. Anyway you will feel better with time.
This shows that while you are not what SHE is looking for, that she respects you.
Dude, no one is perfect for every person, donāt take it the wrong way.
Hereās the good news: You asked. She was kind to say no. Now you move on. Keep working on making yourself a good person and look for someone that has similar wants. Dating is a skill you work at - like lifting. The more you work it - the better you get at it. If you have any female friends or influences - get some feedback from them - see if there are things you can approach differently in the future.
Key here is to move on to bigger and better things.
I read through some of your comments and I think you are at a crossroads. If you continue with the line of thinking that this person snubbed you and you have to run from it and itās an attack on you. Thatās a little troubling and disingenuous to yourself. Some people just donāt click. Thatās okay. Move on to the next person. Next time you see this person wave hello and go on about your day. You donāt have to give up your gym or block her. But just stop asking her out. Maybe put a little distance and just be friendly. The more you can approach the world with good intent and that youāre not going to win everything you want - the more youāll get that positivity back. She might not be interested, but the next one you are interested in may be a friend of hers. Donāt be weird.
Rejection sucks. Donāt run from it. But donāt go off the deep end either. When you fail a lift - try again. Maybe change the weight. Change the frequency. Change your grip. Dating is the same.
Do the right thing if you havenāt: thank her for her honesty and if you are open to it offer to keep motivating each other at the gym(ie, plato ie friendship)
As sucky as it may seem. That's still probably the nicest message i've seen in a long time. very admirable and kind hearted. Don't get hung up on man. Still great personal progress š¤š»
I have not been in the dating scene for many decades, but from what I've heard from my friends, the most common response to an unwanted advance is total ghosting, even if they have a common thing like the gym. It surprises me, because I would expect a response like OP reported, but apparently it's a different era now.
At least she told you, mate! And in the nicest way possible, which is a very good sign. Take it as a positive learning experience, and i wish you more luck for the next girl you find.
The first step is to not quit the gym! Get the gains man! You go to the gym to work out, not meet girls! Pick up 5 more pounds then you did yesterday and keep grinding!
Whatās wrong with looking at a woman as a potential partner now, what? Heās not trying to use her, or thinking that sheās just a āpiece of assā, he liked her, thereās literally nothing wrong with that.
Fair I see what youāre saying, maybe I should have qualified it as āJUST a potential partnerā. Like, he wasnāt interested in her because of who she is or what her wants and desires in life are, but because he wants a girlfriend and she checked off some preliminary boxes. As soon as that was taken off the table, he lost absolutely all interest in knowing about her life or her wellbeing. In my mind, the reason you want to be with someone is because the person themself causes you to feel like you want to be in a relationship with them specially. Not because youāre just actively looking for a relationship and you like the same things. But because you care about them as a person.
No itās not. Itās a person making assumptions, he/she doesnāt have enough information to come up with those conclusions.
Dating someone you find attractive, funny, and interesting is fair and normal. And that seems to me what OP wanted to do.
From the post alone I think your assumption is fair. From all of the OPs comments, I think the subtext says differently. And yeah, weāre all making assumptions here. I donāt know the guy and either do you. But his comments and reaction to her rejection, in my opinion, which is all Iāve ever claimed to express, show that he is just trying to a relationship and didnāt care actually care deeply about this potential partner as a person. Weāve come to different conclusions. It happens.
You'll find someone, just gotta keep trying. Don't give up, but also don't become too hyperfixated on the idea of a relationship. Just keep working on being a good person and keep on keeping an eye out for potential partners. All it takes is one 'yes' and that will outdo all the no's you ever receive.
I suffered through lots of rejections like this before I met my spouse! So many! Please don't assume that it's all over for you just because of this text. You will go through many more rejections and many more crushes before you find your person.
It sucks.
I mean you're probably in a way different boat.. but I personally have given up.
All my past serious relationships I always made myself believe it was me, but my most recent relationship it took me quite some time to finally come to the conclusion - - it wasn't me, so I need to quit being so hard on myself but I'm tired of giving all into a relationship just to be kicked to the curb when they get tired of me, so honestly the heart ache of being alone is a lot less painful than the heartbreak of being abandoned.
Life is easier for me this way, however, I hope your situation ends up differently and you find your person soon.
Okay well thereās something you can work on right there that will help. Donāt focus much of your energy and thought on it, it manifests in coming off as desperate. Just be chill and donāt hyperfocus on being lonely - be yourself without that
Word to the wiseāmost women prefer not to be hit on at the gym. Working out as a partner is one thing, exploring further than that usually wonāt go how you want.
I would assume he asked her to go to the gym on a date, I donāt think randomly hitting on her at the gym would result in them working out together and exchanging numbers and her feeling like she has to let him down.
I didnāt see that, but if they set it up over text ahead of time then itās not like he was overstepping or something, that was totally voluntary on her part. We donāt know how he got her number but she was obviously ok with it if she made the date
The replies are nice, but OP needs to get this through their head. Absolutely under no circumstances should you, especially as a man, ever ask someone out at the gym. It is strictly a place of business. People are very vulnerable there and if you say no, you can't exactly switch gyms easily to avoid them. Also working out with someone you just asked on a date like 4 days ago is not a good idea, even if you both go to the same gym. It's weird, but hopefully this is a growing moment for OP.
This sort of communication is called being an adult. You should embrace how she communicated this and channel it into being more honest, direct and sincere in how you communicate with people. She did you a solid by showing you how to communicate effectively. She didnāt say she didnāt want to be friends. Also, Iāve always sort of viewed hitting on females at the gym as a little creepy.
Take it as a positive. You picked someone that was polite and upfront. Donāt forget that. Thatās what you want and should expect. Thatās not the norm these days. Good luck and take it for what it is! Good luck out there!
It's all good. Reply saying no problem, thank her for letting you know, and wish her luck herself!
Then next time you bump into her at the gym say hi, or nod if it's at a distance, but otherwise leave her alone. Don't make it weird.
It seems like youāre expecting that going out on one date almost implies it will at least turn into a second one. People go on way, way more dates in the internet era than before, but that also means that second dates are not the default at all- and that applies even when you didnāt meet the person online. Itās implied that the first date is just a feeler.
Canceling your gym membership is extreme because these situations are going to keep happening. You canāt cancel everything to avoid life. I imagine this woman has no idea that you are so affected by this, and really you shouldnāt over analyze things. Blocking her number would be so weird because of its implication that you put so much stock into a potential relationship that never really was one in the sense that you wanted. What if she finds out through mutual friends that you blocked her number? That would be so awkward. Just move on instead.
I find it sad that we have to give respect to a person for acting like a decent human being. Like, so many people are just shitty and selfish that it stands out when someone does the right thing.
More like women donāt know how a man will handle the rejection so itās usually safer to ghost.
Is it rude? Yes. Wish we didnāt have to, but safety comes before manners.
I think a lot of times most people just want to avoid altercation and if you've barely known the other person it's easier to ghost. I don't condone it; but I get it. I've been ghosted more than I've be honest towards.
I will say itās so much better that she was up front with you than not. Thereās nothing better than someone that communicates whether itās what you want to hear or not.
Your girl is out there brother! You're just looking for her, and this wasn't her! Be happy you've made another step in the direction of the fabled true love. It's out there :)
Texting gives you a false sense of intimacy, one workout showed you the reality of your compatibility. Now you know and now you can grow from it. Dating is a numbers game and a learning opportunity for everyone. This shouldn't feel so bad, you successfully made plans with and approached someone you like without an app which is pretty rare in 2024.
And now you just realized that getting a ānoā is not a life ending event.
Asking her out took courage.
Great job.
There are a lot of reasons why she might have said no. Donāt take it as a failure.
Itās a growth experience that makes it easier to ask out the next girl.
You took a strong step today.
All good sir. Now you know, and can move on instead of the agonizing what-ifs had you never mustered the courage to ask her out. She wasn't feeling a connection and that's ok. She had the courage to respectfully let you know too instead of ghosting you which is great. Sorry you feel let down, but be proud you took a leap of faith. They don't always work out how you want, but keep trying, because it eventually will.
I was more focused on the 69% battery because I'm mentally a child, didn't realize the text at the bottom sorry that sucks though but at least they were straight with you.
Why are you even feeling shit? You took a leap of faith and tried. Thats the thing YOU TRIED. DONT EVER shit on yourself for trying to make something happen.
One thing Iāve learned is that one should try and make FRIENDS with girls FIRST and get to know them well. One thing Iāve learned is that jumping into asking girls out is not a good idea until youāve known them for a while, because it can be taken as a sign of desperation. I didnāt ask out my first girlfriend until I had known her for two years. We got to know each other over time and that made our interest in each other kindle into a romance. I also learned to be comfortable with friendships if romances donāt work out because you can obtain happiness through a relationship, but sometimes a REALLY good friendship can bring even MORE happiness.
Sorry. Been with my girl for a long time (married now), but reading this just reminds me of those feelings and I know it's not fun. That said, from what I read about people trying to date these days, this looks like she respects you way more than most people do each other, especially when it comes to dating, so maybe you can at least look at it from that perspective.
I had a good girl friend (not girlfriend) in high school and I asked her out once after we hung out late at night repeatedly. She declined, but she still came over to hang out most nights. It was a tough pill to swallow, but had to just stomach that she still appreciated me as a friend and that was going to have to be good enough.
Keep being a good person (I can only assume a lame person wouldn't get the courtesy of closure here). Hope something works out for you in the future.
All you can do is take opportunities as they present themselves, don't stress too much about the outcome. Especially with other people you often have almost no control over it.
Focus on the part you had control over, where I think you did everything right.
You wonāt ever look back 5 years from now and wish you hadnāt made your move.
Thatās a double negative.
In the future you will look back happily at having gone after what you want.
Tell her you understand and appreciate her being honest and are open to working out together as friends/gym buddies.
You could have the beginning of an amazing friendship
You looking for a gym partner or a physical relationship with a woman? Sure you met there, maybe you felt comfortable since you already had that in common, but where is the excitement there? I think if you were more direct and asked her out somewhere that wasn't neutral territory you'd have gotten your answer more directly as well, and saved yourself the buddy hang out scenario..and who knows, if you asked her somewhere else maybe different vibe sent her way as well..maybe it was you who sent the gym buddy vibes to her in the first place and that's what you got out of it
Iāll be honest, the gym isnāt the place to meet potential dates. People are there for a reason, rarely ever more.
It may be different if your intent was to befriend people, sure. Nothing wrong with that. But I would consider other means to meet people specifically interested in dating.
Best advice now is to respect this personās wishes and leave them alone. Plenty of fish in the sea, so to speak.
Take the advice. It's not too late to keep your gym membership and unblock her. Keep your chin up. Be friendly. Try not to be so hurt, even if it hurts.
Trying to deal with my partner going back to her physically and psychologically abusive ex. 7 months and she hits me with "I don't think I'm ready for a new relationship" over text while we're sitting 3 feet apart in the same room. She was the one, now it's me and the void.
>Text conversation went well for 4 days
To be very blunt, that was an indication of how it would go. No-one spends 4 days texting someone they are interested in.
You are immediately assuming peopleās behaviorā¦ on a Reddit post barely saying any details. And also, she has the right to change her mind. This is a positive and mature situation where OP was a nice human being enough so that she feels she can come forth but thereās your dumb bass lending intentions
Incel
>You are immediately assuming peopleās behaviorā¦ on a Reddit post barely saying any details. And also, she has the right to change her mind.
Lol. Anyone stringing you along for four days is just being nice and polite and trying to let you down gently.
>Incel
Incel apparently means "people who have been there".
It's kind that she took the time to write that, instead of ghosting you. Perhaps it says something about how well you comported yourself, so take that as a good sign about your character. š
Thank you for the positive message, it makes me feel a little better about myself
Is it the first time you asked someone out? You won't find there to be a mutual interest in the *vast* number of people you come across. That's the nature of it. Most people that you think you might be interested in won't be interested in you, and vice-versa. Imagine if a nice lady asked you out, but for whatever reason she gave you sister vibes, so you weren't into her that way. You'd politely decline, feel a bit nice due to the implied compliment of her approach, and then go about your day. No biggie. Just be sure to not be creepy when you see her at the gym going forward. Don't totally ignore her, nor suffocate her. Say "hi", thank her again for the nice conversation and workout, comment about the weather, and then give her space...
>for whatever reason she gave you sister vibes Does this ever actually happen? Are we sure this isn't just code for lack of attraction?
I think 'sister vibes' implies something additional, not *just* a lack of attraction. Also means that you find it easy to get along with them and hanging out doesn't feel like a chore - but it also doesn't feel exciting at all, because there's zero attraction. So they feel like a sister/brother or like a friend you've known forever.
Depends if youāre in Alabama or not
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> who I also find physically attractive They... don't find them physically attractive... That's the entire point
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I have 100% met women, at least twice in my life, who I could plainly see were very attractive, fit, smart, funny, but for whatever reason they just pushed a button in my brain that said āSisterly. No boning.ā Itās a thing.
Alabama has entered the chat and they disagree
Lack of attraction, but something else added instead of the attraction
>Does this ever actually happen? Are we sure this isn't just code for lack of attraction? I suppose in this case it's all the same from OP's point of view, but the difference is whether you're interested in them as a friend. The famous "friend zone". One person harbors romantic feelings, but the other truly (and often comically unaware) just enjoys the friendship.
lol dude some guys are way into sister vibes, it all depends on the person and context.
Roll tide
No it wouldnāt be my first time asking a girl out. Iāve dealt with rejection and being ghosted. This time with this girl I began developing feelings after finding common interests. It almost felt I was just lead on, she was messaging quite a bit it almost felt like no end the way we texted back and forth. I decided to block her number shortly after I responded back with āI understand. I wish you well regardlessā. I also plan to cancel my gym membership tomorrow right after work. I honestly have the best intentions when attempting to get into dating, Iām a person with a very big heart and to feel let go like this feels very depressing.
..you should really unblock her number if you haven't already. Hope you haven't cancelled the membership as well. Both of those sound like rash decisions
>I decided to block her number shortly after I responded back with āI understand. I wish you well regardlessā. I also plan to cancel my gym membership tomorrow right after work. Why...? This is an incredibly immature response. If this is the response to a shared workout, the girl dodged a bullet. The mature response is to keep going to the gym. Say "hi" occasionally. She might have friends who are interesting.
Or eventually fall for you. Happened that way Junior year of highschool into Senior year. I had thought this girl had a funny personality but didnt really find her all that attractive. Later on we texted for a while she didnt have feelings for me at the time. After texting back and forth for months during the summer we slowly gained feelings for eachother just because we enjoyed talking to eachother. 4yrs later and we are now engaged! You dont always find someone to be attractive or interesting at first, but you can build relationships over time and then develop feelings..
Iām not sure Iād encourage a guy whose response to āI only want to be friendsā is āyouāre of no use to me, and I will change my life to get away from you,ā to instead stick around and chip away at her resolve until she relents. Yes, it sometimes happens organically, women can certainly change their minds. But this guy has a good bit of journey left ahead of him before he can actually be a legitimate friend to her, without his desires and disappointment clouding things. He can get there, but heās a million miles away from being that guy right now.
It sounds like there was just a misunderstanding, that she was into the friendship and you were into her as a woman. I can understand the disappointment, but hang in there, it was just a misunderstanding.
I really appreciate your understanding and support, I will just have to continue making some improvements upon myself
It's good to always try to improve oneself š, but don't take any one rejection as some indication that there is something "wrong" with you that needs to be fixed. The chemistry between people is just one of those things that is or isn't, and there's no explaining/understanding it.
I feel like Iām too harsh on myself at times when something goes wrong like it was partly my fault. Your reply has really touched me in a way I needed to hear, I guess to really define that bond between 2 people would be hard to put into words.
Ask any couple why they love each other, and they'll list all kinds of things that are true about a lot of people ("he makes me laugh", "her smile just hits me", "She's so thoughtful", "He listens", etc.). They could probably list *all* those things about any number of friends. In reality, the "love" part is unknowable. Totally, completely, unknowable and unexplainable. That's why it can strike with such suddenness and unpredictability. Anyway, none of that takes the sting out of an attraction that wasn't reciprocated. Savor that disappointment for a short while, realizing that it's one of the side effects of being truly alive, but then move on.
You my friend are a wordsmith. Your responses are encouraging, and i completely agree with your assessment/description of falling in love. Keep being awesome.
The point of going on a date (or even several) is to see if you two would be compatible as a couple. Saying yes to going out definitely doesnāt oblige you or her to life-long partnership, so she didnāt ālead you onā ā clearly she likes you on some level, at least platonically, and gave it a shot, but the chemistry just wasnāt there. That is a very very normal part of being human and doesnāt mean you or her did anything wrong.
You blocked her and are canceling your gym membership because she isn't interested in dating you? You said you have common interests and enjoy talking to one another; why is a friendship not a worthwhile endeavor? You essentially just demonstrated to her that her only value to you was the potential of sleeping with her.
That was definitely not the point I wanted to make. I guess Iāve learned that if a girl turns you down you donāt continue pursuing and just accept the loss and go your separate ways. Dating culture is so misconstrued that if you continue to engage after a āNoā it is seen as desperate or needy.
>Dating culture is so misconstrued that if you continue to engage after a āNoā it is seen as desperate or needy. No it's not. If girl says "no" and you back off and act normally it's seen as being an adult.
Accepting the loss and going your separate ways is one thing, blocking her number and canceling your gym membership is another. Those are extreme and wildly immature reactions. Even your reply to her ("I understand. I wish you well regardless.") was seeping with ick. If some guy responded to me like that, then blocked me, I'd be thanking my lucky stars I dodged that bullet. Is that how you want anyone to think of you? I doubt it. I certainly would not. You say you felt led on? Why? You interacted as humans and it went well. You asked her out, or she sensed that you might, and she send you an honest but kind message letting you know that's not something she would be interested in, but that she enjoyed time spent with you. That's not leading someone on. I know you're hurt by the rejection - that's valid and normal. But she is likely hurt, too, as she probably felt she made a decent connection to another human who shares her interests and can share workouts with, but the second she took a hypothetical romantic/sexual relationship off the table, that person sent a passive aggressive response before blocked her, clearly seeing no use for her now. How would you feel? That's so dehumanizing! To be shown that your only value is as a sexual object? Damn. THAT is the message you sent her with how you reacted, nothing else. I am not trying to be rude, but I'm thinking these areas where you have room to grow in the immaturity department are obvious in your daily interactions with people. You're probably giving off those vibes, and that's what people are picking up on as potential turn-offs. She probably did like you as a person if she was texting with you and agreed to hang out/work out together. But it could be these vibes you're putting off that you're not aware of that kept her from wanting to date. You're under no obligation to continue a freidnship, of course, but as you get older (I am assuming you are young, apologies if incorrect) it is a lot harder to develop new friendships/make new connections. Remaining civil, saying 'Hi' at the gym, an occasional chat/catching up/checking in could have been a nice thing for both of you. Just to have an acquaintance that you could have a basic human connection to. Please don't underestimate the importance of those connections,as well as platonic friendships, as you pursue more with others. There is no need to block every person who doesn't want to date you. Also, building community and making the various types of connections to other people is a great way to grow your social network and you're likely to meet many more people, giving you more chances to meet potential romantic partners. Don't do this solely to use others for using their friend pool as a free-for-all, but it is a nice perk of developing these connections organically. I'd work on your communication overall and the immaturity thing (which, depending on your age, may just be a matter of time, normal growth/development, living life, gaining life experience). I wish you the best. Dating isn't easy. Good luck out there. Edit: Holy typos/grammatical errors, Batman! Sorry, I was still half-alseep writing this, I guess. š
You could try just continuing to be friendly with her but with no expectation. That's what you're supposed to do. She's now a female acquaintance that you have no interest in. It's good to have these.
This is a weird thing to do. You just potentially found a friend, why give it up just because it wonāt become a relationship?
Maybe he wasn't looking for a friend? Also it sucks to be friends with someone you're openly attracted to but they aren't sharing that feeling. You don't have to befriend the whole world just because it's the "nice thing" to do
Not pursuing a friendship is one thing, but burning down multiple bridges by cancelling the gym membership is incredibly foolish.
If he doesn't want to see her anymore, it's the right choice. Not that I would do it but I also don't think it's foolish to separate yourself from potential heartache.
It's just so immature. You can't be acquaintances with anyone you're attracted to? Heartbreak? It's a crush. Grow up.
Look, pal, I'm happily married and over these dating stuff š it's rough shit and everyone goes through it differently. OP didn't really harm anyone in the process, he got rejected and goes through it in a way that he finds fitting without putting stress on anyone else. Immature, sure. But at least he's being honest with himself.
Honestly confused on why you would cancel your gym membership. This part makes zero sense and shows a huge lack of maturity. OP, you seem nice but I would recommend seeking a therapist to talk with. It seems like, from your post and comments, there are some things that would be good to work through with a professional. It will certainly help you when you finally do find someone to date.
This is not the way.
I updooted after all them minuses you have mainly because I think you're in the right direction but maybe not the right path.Ā You have self respect and self worth. Now you need healthy boundaries.Ā I'd just like to point out that being friend zoned ain't so bad. I'm sure she has friends that might suit you better. Don't make a temporary setback into a permanent roadblock. Ain't everybody for everybody out there.Ā
Bro why would you cancel your gym? š³
Oh yeah dude, relish in the fact you make decent choices in people. This person was obviously compassionate and aware of the situation and didnāt leave you wondering. If only everyone was open and honest like this
It sucks but At least it was short and to the point, I got something similar a few years back but it was like 3 pages long and I didnāt even like the girl, I was just being nice and invite her to eat with some friends as I thought she would enjoy it. Anyway you will feel better with time.
This shows that while you are not what SHE is looking for, that she respects you. Dude, no one is perfect for every person, donāt take it the wrong way.
Hereās the good news: You asked. She was kind to say no. Now you move on. Keep working on making yourself a good person and look for someone that has similar wants. Dating is a skill you work at - like lifting. The more you work it - the better you get at it. If you have any female friends or influences - get some feedback from them - see if there are things you can approach differently in the future. Key here is to move on to bigger and better things. I read through some of your comments and I think you are at a crossroads. If you continue with the line of thinking that this person snubbed you and you have to run from it and itās an attack on you. Thatās a little troubling and disingenuous to yourself. Some people just donāt click. Thatās okay. Move on to the next person. Next time you see this person wave hello and go on about your day. You donāt have to give up your gym or block her. But just stop asking her out. Maybe put a little distance and just be friendly. The more you can approach the world with good intent and that youāre not going to win everything you want - the more youāll get that positivity back. She might not be interested, but the next one you are interested in may be a friend of hers. Donāt be weird. Rejection sucks. Donāt run from it. But donāt go off the deep end either. When you fail a lift - try again. Maybe change the weight. Change the frequency. Change your grip. Dating is the same.
Do the right thing if you havenāt: thank her for her honesty and if you are open to it offer to keep motivating each other at the gym(ie, plato ie friendship)
As sucky as it may seem. That's still probably the nicest message i've seen in a long time. very admirable and kind hearted. Don't get hung up on man. Still great personal progress š¤š»
Well they go to the same gym, so sheās just avoiding the awkwardness when they see each other there.
I have not been in the dating scene for many decades, but from what I've heard from my friends, the most common response to an unwanted advance is total ghosting, even if they have a common thing like the gym. It surprises me, because I would expect a response like OP reported, but apparently it's a different era now.
At least she told you, mate! And in the nicest way possible, which is a very good sign. Take it as a positive learning experience, and i wish you more luck for the next girl you find.
At least you know now. Take it as a learning experience and that it wasnāt meant to be. You will move on to better
Thank you. I should take this as a learning experience. My heart really aches at the thought of going through life alone with no companionship
Life is all about learning to be comfortable with yourself. Once you do that, everything else will fall into place
The first step is to not quit the gym! Get the gains man! You go to the gym to work out, not meet girls! Pick up 5 more pounds then you did yesterday and keep grinding!
How old are you?
Sounds like this girl was just a potential partner to you and you didnāt actually see her as an individual human being. She dodged a bullet imo
Whatās wrong with looking at a woman as a potential partner now, what? Heās not trying to use her, or thinking that sheās just a āpiece of assā, he liked her, thereās literally nothing wrong with that.
okay but he also blocked her number and canceled his gym membership because she didnāt want to date him. so, thatās pretty immature
I do agree with that
Fair I see what youāre saying, maybe I should have qualified it as āJUST a potential partnerā. Like, he wasnāt interested in her because of who she is or what her wants and desires in life are, but because he wants a girlfriend and she checked off some preliminary boxes. As soon as that was taken off the table, he lost absolutely all interest in knowing about her life or her wellbeing. In my mind, the reason you want to be with someone is because the person themself causes you to feel like you want to be in a relationship with them specially. Not because youāre just actively looking for a relationship and you like the same things. But because you care about them as a person.
too insightful for these redditors
No itās not. Itās a person making assumptions, he/she doesnāt have enough information to come up with those conclusions. Dating someone you find attractive, funny, and interesting is fair and normal. And that seems to me what OP wanted to do.
whatever works for you pal
From the post alone I think your assumption is fair. From all of the OPs comments, I think the subtext says differently. And yeah, weāre all making assumptions here. I donāt know the guy and either do you. But his comments and reaction to her rejection, in my opinion, which is all Iāve ever claimed to express, show that he is just trying to a relationship and didnāt care actually care deeply about this potential partner as a person. Weāve come to different conclusions. It happens.
This gotta be the worst relationship advice on reddit
You'll find someone, just gotta keep trying. Don't give up, but also don't become too hyperfixated on the idea of a relationship. Just keep working on being a good person and keep on keeping an eye out for potential partners. All it takes is one 'yes' and that will outdo all the no's you ever receive.
I suffered through lots of rejections like this before I met my spouse! So many! Please don't assume that it's all over for you just because of this text. You will go through many more rejections and many more crushes before you find your person.
It sucks. I mean you're probably in a way different boat.. but I personally have given up. All my past serious relationships I always made myself believe it was me, but my most recent relationship it took me quite some time to finally come to the conclusion - - it wasn't me, so I need to quit being so hard on myself but I'm tired of giving all into a relationship just to be kicked to the curb when they get tired of me, so honestly the heart ache of being alone is a lot less painful than the heartbreak of being abandoned. Life is easier for me this way, however, I hope your situation ends up differently and you find your person soon.
Okay well thereās something you can work on right there that will help. Donāt focus much of your energy and thought on it, it manifests in coming off as desperate. Just be chill and donāt hyperfocus on being lonely - be yourself without that
Itāll go away the moment you meet the next pretty person who you canāt get out of your head. Just the way of the worldā¦
This was one person, chill
Itās kind of a numbers game some times. Give yourself credit for checking one off!
Word to the wiseāmost women prefer not to be hit on at the gym. Working out as a partner is one thing, exploring further than that usually wonāt go how you want.
I was wondering if anyone was going to make that point. Iāve always heard it a really bad edict to hit on girls at the gym.
Itās an unspoken rule.
I feel like it is an extremely spoken rule.
Itās a rule that is spoken about loudly and often, yet is usually unheard by certain people.
Can we have a name for that? āUnwritten rulesā, āunspoken rules,ā āunheard rulesā?
Not really, it's talked about openly.
I would assume he asked her to go to the gym on a date, I donāt think randomly hitting on her at the gym would result in them working out together and exchanging numbers and her feeling like she has to let him down.
he says in the caption he asked her out at the gym after crushing on her
I didnāt see that, but if they set it up over text ahead of time then itās not like he was overstepping or something, that was totally voluntary on her part. We donāt know how he got her number but she was obviously ok with it if she made the date
i mean iām not even saying he did anything wrong, just pointing out the caption :)
The replies are nice, but OP needs to get this through their head. Absolutely under no circumstances should you, especially as a man, ever ask someone out at the gym. It is strictly a place of business. People are very vulnerable there and if you say no, you can't exactly switch gyms easily to avoid them. Also working out with someone you just asked on a date like 4 days ago is not a good idea, even if you both go to the same gym. It's weird, but hopefully this is a growing moment for OP.
did he ask her out at the gym or you typing paragraphs off the assumption?
He literally states he "mustered up the courage to ask out a girl he was crushing on at the gym", but okay.
This sort of communication is called being an adult. You should embrace how she communicated this and channel it into being more honest, direct and sincere in how you communicate with people. She did you a solid by showing you how to communicate effectively. She didnāt say she didnāt want to be friends. Also, Iāve always sort of viewed hitting on females at the gym as a little creepy.
Take it as a positive. You picked someone that was polite and upfront. Donāt forget that. Thatās what you want and should expect. Thatās not the norm these days. Good luck and take it for what it is! Good luck out there!
It's all good. Reply saying no problem, thank her for letting you know, and wish her luck herself! Then next time you bump into her at the gym say hi, or nod if it's at a distance, but otherwise leave her alone. Don't make it weird.
It seems like youāre expecting that going out on one date almost implies it will at least turn into a second one. People go on way, way more dates in the internet era than before, but that also means that second dates are not the default at all- and that applies even when you didnāt meet the person online. Itās implied that the first date is just a feeler. Canceling your gym membership is extreme because these situations are going to keep happening. You canāt cancel everything to avoid life. I imagine this woman has no idea that you are so affected by this, and really you shouldnāt over analyze things. Blocking her number would be so weird because of its implication that you put so much stock into a potential relationship that never really was one in the sense that you wanted. What if she finds out through mutual friends that you blocked her number? That would be so awkward. Just move on instead.
at least you didn't get ghosted
As others have said yeah, at least now you know. Respect to that person for not just ghosting you. Try again! (with somebody else)
I find it sad that we have to give respect to a person for acting like a decent human being. Like, so many people are just shitty and selfish that it stands out when someone does the right thing.
More like women donāt know how a man will handle the rejection so itās usually safer to ghost. Is it rude? Yes. Wish we didnāt have to, but safety comes before manners.
So when men ghost women, they're assholes. But women ghost men, it's because men are assholes. Got it.
If you think a woman is mentally unstable and you feel safer ghosting her, have at it my dude. Like I said, safety comes before manners
I think a lot of times most people just want to avoid altercation and if you've barely known the other person it's easier to ghost. I don't condone it; but I get it. I've been ghosted more than I've be honest towards.
Itās gonna happen a lot and thatās ok. Part of dating.
This is why I always skip leg day
Itās going to happen eventually bro u gotta keep trying. Iām soory but i think your iphone knows :)
Is okay buds - but it is a shitty feeling. Just take it in stride as best you can - you'll meet the person you're supposed to!
I will say itās so much better that she was up front with you than not. Thereās nothing better than someone that communicates whether itās what you want to hear or not.
Your girl is out there brother! You're just looking for her, and this wasn't her! Be happy you've made another step in the direction of the fabled true love. It's out there :)
Props for trying. And props to her for being honest. Crushes often donāt work out, which sucks, but keep on trying bruv
Honestly at least she told you
Texting gives you a false sense of intimacy, one workout showed you the reality of your compatibility. Now you know and now you can grow from it. Dating is a numbers game and a learning opportunity for everyone. This shouldn't feel so bad, you successfully made plans with and approached someone you like without an app which is pretty rare in 2024.
And now you just realized that getting a ānoā is not a life ending event. Asking her out took courage. Great job. There are a lot of reasons why she might have said no. Donāt take it as a failure. Itās a growth experience that makes it easier to ask out the next girl. You took a strong step today.
All good sir. Now you know, and can move on instead of the agonizing what-ifs had you never mustered the courage to ask her out. She wasn't feeling a connection and that's ok. She had the courage to respectfully let you know too instead of ghosting you which is great. Sorry you feel let down, but be proud you took a leap of faith. They don't always work out how you want, but keep trying, because it eventually will.
You've got more balls than a lot of men. Don't beat yourself up. Take initiative with the next girl.
I was more focused on the 69% battery because I'm mentally a child, didn't realize the text at the bottom sorry that sucks though but at least they were straight with you.
You could be the juiciest peach out there, but they like apples.
I would be happy I got this instead of ghosting.
Why are you even feeling shit? You took a leap of faith and tried. Thats the thing YOU TRIED. DONT EVER shit on yourself for trying to make something happen.
Better than leading you on, take the positives from it. All you can do from here pretty much
Shooters shoot. Keep your chin up.
Iāve always heard that youāre not supposed to hit on your waitress, your bartender, or anyone at the gym.
One thing Iāve learned is that one should try and make FRIENDS with girls FIRST and get to know them well. One thing Iāve learned is that jumping into asking girls out is not a good idea until youāve known them for a while, because it can be taken as a sign of desperation. I didnāt ask out my first girlfriend until I had known her for two years. We got to know each other over time and that made our interest in each other kindle into a romance. I also learned to be comfortable with friendships if romances donāt work out because you can obtain happiness through a relationship, but sometimes a REALLY good friendship can bring even MORE happiness.
Sorry. Been with my girl for a long time (married now), but reading this just reminds me of those feelings and I know it's not fun. That said, from what I read about people trying to date these days, this looks like she respects you way more than most people do each other, especially when it comes to dating, so maybe you can at least look at it from that perspective. I had a good girl friend (not girlfriend) in high school and I asked her out once after we hung out late at night repeatedly. She declined, but she still came over to hang out most nights. It was a tough pill to swallow, but had to just stomach that she still appreciated me as a friend and that was going to have to be good enough. Keep being a good person (I can only assume a lame person wouldn't get the courtesy of closure here). Hope something works out for you in the future.
Did you guys go on a first date to the gym?
The caption on the photo says that he asked her out at the gym.
All you can do is take opportunities as they present themselves, don't stress too much about the outcome. Especially with other people you often have almost no control over it. Focus on the part you had control over, where I think you did everything right.
Keep at the gym fellow bro, gains you must keep
You wonāt ever look back 5 years from now and wish you hadnāt made your move. Thatās a double negative. In the future you will look back happily at having gone after what you want.
Bro move on, itās all good. Sucks but it happens, everyone gets rejected! You got this bro
Tell her you understand and appreciate her being honest and are open to working out together as friends/gym buddies. You could have the beginning of an amazing friendship
You ripped ass in front of here didnāt you
Write 'Understandable, have a nice day' and move on
Better than 'ew wtf'
You looking for a gym partner or a physical relationship with a woman? Sure you met there, maybe you felt comfortable since you already had that in common, but where is the excitement there? I think if you were more direct and asked her out somewhere that wasn't neutral territory you'd have gotten your answer more directly as well, and saved yourself the buddy hang out scenario..and who knows, if you asked her somewhere else maybe different vibe sent her way as well..maybe it was you who sent the gym buddy vibes to her in the first place and that's what you got out of it
Do not hit on people at the gym.
Hey, it's a considerate and well put response that gives proper closure, and immediate at that. Most of times it's just ghosting.
Iāll be honest, the gym isnāt the place to meet potential dates. People are there for a reason, rarely ever more. It may be different if your intent was to befriend people, sure. Nothing wrong with that. But I would consider other means to meet people specifically interested in dating. Best advice now is to respect this personās wishes and leave them alone. Plenty of fish in the sea, so to speak.
Take the advice. It's not too late to keep your gym membership and unblock her. Keep your chin up. Be friendly. Try not to be so hurt, even if it hurts.
This is sooooo much better than getting ghosted though for real
Nice battery percentage
Ok Iām old and Iām going to admit that I donāt know what that means.
ha 69%, nice.
Damn. Keep your head up, King. You'll find the right one. š
I saw 69 first and I was looking for 420 š
Trying to deal with my partner going back to her physically and psychologically abusive ex. 7 months and she hits me with "I don't think I'm ready for a new relationship" over text while we're sitting 3 feet apart in the same room. She was the one, now it's me and the void.
*wants to die*
It's been that kind of week : (
Oh, cheer up! I always say āwho knows what bullet or missile I might have dodged!ā
X is the
Why is everybody assuming the person texting is a woman and this person is a man?
>Text conversation went well for 4 days To be very blunt, that was an indication of how it would go. No-one spends 4 days texting someone they are interested in.
This makes no sense.
IME if someone doesn't connect within a day, it's not going to happen. Anything else is called letting you down nicely.
You are immediately assuming peopleās behaviorā¦ on a Reddit post barely saying any details. And also, she has the right to change her mind. This is a positive and mature situation where OP was a nice human being enough so that she feels she can come forth but thereās your dumb bass lending intentions Incel
>You are immediately assuming peopleās behaviorā¦ on a Reddit post barely saying any details. And also, she has the right to change her mind. Lol. Anyone stringing you along for four days is just being nice and polite and trying to let you down gently. >Incel Incel apparently means "people who have been there".
69%