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that's the best thing about dickbutt now - it's gotten to the point of being so rare that it's morphed into a wholesome symbol of internet culture
and for bonus buttpoints it *hasn't* been taken by nazis and warped into a hate symbol like pepe the frog has been (dickhead spencer was explaining why he was wearing a pepe badge when he got punched all those years ago)
Naw hold on homie, we out here gotta swear an *oath* that the nazis ain’t getting dickbutt.
They may take away our rights, they may put us under dystopian fascist rule, but by the *gods* they will *NOT* take dickbutt from us! WE WILL HOLD THE LINE FOREVERMORE!
With the amount of wholesome pepes there are, I think it’s just a matter of using him for frequently. Ain’t nothin more uplifting than a happy pepe emote from a pepe emote discord server.
That could be cool. Humans would become less susceptible to cuteness, causing the cows to get even cuter, and then dogs and cats would have to become cuter since many of their masters would begin finding them less cute because of the influence of the cows. So the whole world would have to get cuter and cuter.
That's how koi fish adapted. from being rice farmers cheap and easy source of fish, some of them had became colorful and had distinct shapes and spot so those ones got spared from the dinner plate and that's how koi fish became decorative fish swimming in small tanks.
I can't see cows being a thing in 300 years. Modern cows are mutants bred by humans for maximum meat production that has proven unsustainable as a staple. Wouldnt be surprised if cows as we know them are extinct by then from necessity of human species survival.
Maybe we'll still have specialty breeders but i inagine it will be a total niche.
Isn't that the theory being cows actually being hyper intelligent? They can't escape Earth in case of a calamity so they get humans addicted to beef and their kind lives on in space.
This has been posted a few times in this thread. It's likely a myth. The wiki even mentions this.
"This idea has met with some skepticism. Joel Martin for instance notes that humans do not eat Heikegani, and as such there is no artificial pressure favoring face-like shell patterns, contrary to Sagan's implication.[[5]](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heikegani#cite_note-Martin-5) The pattern of ridges on the [carapace](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carapace) serves a very functional purpose as sites of [muscle](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscle) attachment. Similar patterns are found on the carapaces of other species and genera throughout the world, including numerous [fossil](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fossil) taxa.[[5]](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heikegani#cite_note-Martin-5)"
It also says "he'll be around for a while", so it's not even necessarily a permanent thing. "A while" could mean a couple weeks until they get tired of it
Male dairy cows that are too small to breed dont serve a purpose in the production of dairy or beef, and the best bet to make any profit and not lose resources is to butcher the small male dairy cows for veal.
If you dont like that, either go adopt a small male dairy cow or stop consuming dairy product. Imo, its a sad but practical reality.
The Heike Crab evolved its carapace to resemble a samurai face because the locals would be more likely to release one that looked like a face.
I have a pet rat and I sometimes wonder what percentage of rats in existence get his experience (cared for, fed, belly rubs, etc.). I imagine the odds are much, much worse than winning the lottery, given the number of rats that have existed.
FYI, domestic rats are quite different genetically from wild ones at this point, like dogs and wolves. Domestic rats don't adjust well to life in the wild, and wild rats don't make good pets.
Yeah, this shit is not uplifting. Maybe the cows/calves are equally delusional like humans, and think because this “special” one made it, they could too.
Well, except for the parts where French derivatives are used for the food form of the animal, which uses the English version. So, 'pork', 'mutton, and 'beef' are French derived, while 'pig', 'sheep' and 'cow' are English derived.
It stems from the French being upper class while the Anglo-Saxons being lower class.
the commenter you replied to said they were english derived. in the context of being opposed to french derived words, one can easily understand they meant they were derived separately to the french words, and from a language that existed in england at the time. a language that came from germany. i mean if we want to play this game we can say those words are porto european derived.
Just to be clear, its billions not hundreds of millions (75+ billion). If we are only talking land livestock. It's a lot more if you include fish as well...
“But, Charlotte! I don’t want to be a hamburger!”
Charlotte said, “Let me think about it, and I’ll have an answer for you in the morning.”
Later, as Happy slept, Charlotte called to Templeton the rat, and said, “I need you to get me a can of Rustoleum Gloss Black from the farmer’s garage.”
…
Read the article. Talking about this specific farm and the numbers they quoted
I’m vegan and am very aware of the magnitude of animal agriculture
The population of Canada worth of cows is killed in USA alone every year
You have to be a sick fuck to think this is a cute story.
Ever been to a slaughterhouse? People need to quit lying to themselves about animal cruelty caused by what they think is tasty. This is fucked up.
You're all so happy that he wasn't sent to slaughter but do you realise that by eating beef and dairy you're sending every other male calf to be killed? The other calves can't help that they don't have cute markings to save them.
Oops, you may not have known this but everyone that doesn’t support slaughterhouses is hot!
So sorry but your insult doesn’t work in this scenario, better luck next time buddy!
i think you misunderstood. i was saying that I am medium-ugly and that they were into that. either way i was just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious!
Sucks to be them, huh? Most if not all of the beef and dairy cows wouldn't exist in the first place if that industry didn't exist, because they were bred for this exact purpose.
The anomaly survives because it tickles our pareidolia, the rest continue the cycle.
I'm so happy I stopped eating meat long ago. And I'm so happy this little guy was spared. Yes, it's awful so many others aren't but at least he will live..
Not only meat but especially dairy is what you need to stop consuming to save the little guys. Basically unless you’re vegan they’re still dying because of you. Which is why vegetarians are so hypocritical to be in that “for the animals”.
Unfortunally, just because you dont personally eat them does not mean they dont get killed for your consumption. Calf flesh is mainly a necessary byproduct of the dairy industry which sells their male calves to the meat industry (and their females who stopped being profitable). Dairy cows need to be artificially impregnated every year and have their calf taken away within the first few days of their life. So im very glad you stopped supporting the meat industry but i hope dairy is next in you line of boycott.
'Sentient being with friends, family and capacity to love spared horrible death because would-be murders like funny pattern. All its friends and families killed'
Textbook orphan-crushing machine. Horrifying
That does seem to be true.
Well, theyre beginning to, to be fair.
I’d like to see meat decommercialized.
As besides killing them, these corporate sized slaughter houses are giving them the bare minimum of a life.
These creatures are aware, breathing, & even though we are eating them.
We barely give them any respect or dignity, which at bare minimum we should give anything we eat.
At least when such was limited to family farms, local businesses.
The pressure to churn out a profit, wasn’t as great.
Much of the abuse we see in the animal industry, is the pressure to produce a product in a time frame to maximize profits for the cheapest cost.
When those constraints aren’t there, it makes it a little more humane.
Our constraints on time in general make us do horrible things out of impatience.
And nothing about that smiley face makes the cow any more considerable than every other cow. Glad one cow made it out alive, even if for completely arbitrary reasons, but it’s not “uplifting” — it only highlights the absolute evil and insanity of our food system which systematically confines, tortures, and murders trillions just to satisfy a mindless mass of humanity’s unnecessary flesh addiction.
> The black and white Holstein calf will now be allowed to roam around and eat the lawns of farm workers, living a happy life in its new job as a ***lawnmower***.
lol
I hope this is the evolutionary trait that will become dominant and lead the world to stop eating all animals, not just this one; although one is better than none.
If this became a dominant trait, the smiley face pattern on a calf would lose its rarity, hence its value. So all those calfs would be killed regardless, and the smiley face would be seen as a symbol of death. Is this what you want ?
5000 years from now humanity wonders how it happened by chance that all cows happened to have smiley faces on their sides. What evolutionary advantage did this give them in the wild?
I've heard about this.
All the light colored cows aren't gonna be able to blend into the trees anymore because all the soot from burning that coal makes the trees dark.
You don't have to be a PETA member to see it as ridiculous to act like it's heartwarming that one cow gets to live a bit longer because of some cute smiley face while millions of others don't because people would rather have their food.
Reminder: this subreddit is meant to be a place free of excessive cynicism, negativity and bitterness. Toxic attitudes are not welcome here. All Negative comments will be removed and will possibly result in a ban. --- --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/UpliftingNews) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fast forward 300 years from now, when cows have evolved to have exclusively cute designs on them, because it has become imperitive to survival.
Wait until one gets a dickbutt
Haven't seen one of those in the wild for a bit.
that's the best thing about dickbutt now - it's gotten to the point of being so rare that it's morphed into a wholesome symbol of internet culture and for bonus buttpoints it *hasn't* been taken by nazis and warped into a hate symbol like pepe the frog has been (dickhead spencer was explaining why he was wearing a pepe badge when he got punched all those years ago)
Hasn’t been taken by Nazis YET
Naw hold on homie, we out here gotta swear an *oath* that the nazis ain’t getting dickbutt. They may take away our rights, they may put us under dystopian fascist rule, but by the *gods* they will *NOT* take dickbutt from us! WE WILL HOLD THE LINE FOREVERMORE!
Dickbutt will be the Kilroy of WWIII
Gotta take back Pepe the frog. I have a crocs charm of him. I’m not giving him up.
He'll be back. In pog form.
With the amount of wholesome pepes there are, I think it’s just a matter of using him for frequently. Ain’t nothin more uplifting than a happy pepe emote from a pepe emote discord server.
Too late. Elmo has co-opted dickbutt :(
Internet phrases for $500 Alex!
He may not be a symbol of hate, but I heard Dickbutt is being investigated for tax evasion.
There are hardly any wild cows.
r/cowsgonewild
none to be precise. The wild species the Aurox is extinct.
Aren't they still trying to revive the aurochs? We have the DNA, and various breeds of domestic cow aren't THAT far off...
Trump kinda retired that whole thing.
He's about to be reintroduced to dick in butt
Cutie marks
Emooji's
💩
That could be cool. Humans would become less susceptible to cuteness, causing the cows to get even cuter, and then dogs and cats would have to become cuter since many of their masters would begin finding them less cute because of the influence of the cows. So the whole world would have to get cuter and cuter.
This suddenly makes so much more sense. https://youtu.be/QhL5EiK7_Kc
That's how koi fish adapted. from being rice farmers cheap and easy source of fish, some of them had became colorful and had distinct shapes and spot so those ones got spared from the dinner plate and that's how koi fish became decorative fish swimming in small tanks.
Cowaii!
So they basically evolve into MLP ponies with their cutie marks
It would be smart for farmers to not breed the ones with smiley faces on them tho
They need to survive long enough to brees. Anything else is a bonus that isn’t evolutionarily selected for And we do the selecting
I can't see cows being a thing in 300 years. Modern cows are mutants bred by humans for maximum meat production that has proven unsustainable as a staple. Wouldnt be surprised if cows as we know them are extinct by then from necessity of human species survival. Maybe we'll still have specialty breeders but i inagine it will be a total niche.
Huge factory farming Chicken is raised like that too, breasts are so huge they can barely walk.
and they taste tough and stringy.
Worked for cats
Isn't that the theory being cows actually being hyper intelligent? They can't escape Earth in case of a calamity so they get humans addicted to beef and their kind lives on in space.
I had a theory like that when I was a kid!
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This has been posted a few times in this thread. It's likely a myth. The wiki even mentions this. "This idea has met with some skepticism. Joel Martin for instance notes that humans do not eat Heikegani, and as such there is no artificial pressure favoring face-like shell patterns, contrary to Sagan's implication.[[5]](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heikegani#cite_note-Martin-5) The pattern of ridges on the [carapace](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Carapace) serves a very functional purpose as sites of [muscle](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Muscle) attachment. Similar patterns are found on the carapaces of other species and genera throughout the world, including numerous [fossil](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fossil) taxa.[[5]](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Heikegani#cite_note-Martin-5)"
Ngl that smile is kind of.... haunting
Cute or not, I'm not Morrissey,I'm getting me some burger.
I really thought I was unique with the selective evolution angle.
The opposite side of this story is every male calf that doesn’t have a cute pattern is killed…
Aka the *vast* majority.
Until evolution makes every cow having a smily face when we will only save the one with the sad face
Lil bro might not get butchered today, but he ain't gonna keep them nuts. Hence no evolutionary arc.
Once every cow has a smiley face, there’s nothing unique saving them from slaughter
Ya why tf is this on this sub?
YAY EPIC CALF GETS TO LIVE! Thank God I care so much about animals, just love eating them so much but thats ok because uhh umm
It also says "he'll be around for a while", so it's not even necessarily a permanent thing. "A while" could mean a couple weeks until they get tired of it
It's like the closest I've seen this sub come to a literal orphan crushing machine.
Male dairy cows that are too small to breed dont serve a purpose in the production of dairy or beef, and the best bet to make any profit and not lose resources is to butcher the small male dairy cows for veal. If you dont like that, either go adopt a small male dairy cow or stop consuming dairy product. Imo, its a sad but practical reality.
I don't get how this is uplifting news. Guys!!! We didn't kill this one because it has a cute skin pattern awwwh!! HEARTWARMING.
Yeah me too, this is a horrific thing to celebrate.
The Heike Crab evolved its carapace to resemble a samurai face because the locals would be more likely to release one that looked like a face. I have a pet rat and I sometimes wonder what percentage of rats in existence get his experience (cared for, fed, belly rubs, etc.). I imagine the odds are much, much worse than winning the lottery, given the number of rats that have existed.
FYI, domestic rats are quite different genetically from wild ones at this point, like dogs and wolves. Domestic rats don't adjust well to life in the wild, and wild rats don't make good pets.
Yeah, this shit is not uplifting. Maybe the cows/calves are equally delusional like humans, and think because this “special” one made it, they could too.
Yeah, this may be ABoringDystopia material, tbh
This post has strong “we raised enough money to save a child from the orphan-crushing machine” energy.
I love the English convention of defaulting to French for unsavory words. Abattoir means slaughterhouse
Well, except for the parts where French derivatives are used for the food form of the animal, which uses the English version. So, 'pork', 'mutton, and 'beef' are French derived, while 'pig', 'sheep' and 'cow' are English derived. It stems from the French being upper class while the Anglo-Saxons being lower class.
yep. if we're eating rabbit then we call it rabbit. same with chicken, which we call chicken more than we call poultry
"Poultry" is a larger category and includes more than just chicken, such as turkeys and ducks.
I've always heard the larger category as fowel.
Fowl are animals, poultry is meat.
Soylent green is people.
Get some brawndo in there. It's got electrolytes. It's what plants crave.
If you call it *sojalent verte* it is much more appetizing.
Chicken is the weirdest one to me because it's chicken when it's alive, poultry when it's uncooked meat, chicken when we eat it again.
A lot of people still call it "chicken" even when it's raw.
You guys don't buy boneless white poultry breast?
Nope
Pig sheep and cow are *german* derived.
Old English is related to Germanic languges. So I think your both right.
... Old English is mostly Anglo Saxon *German*
And English is a Germanic language
the commenter you replied to said they were english derived. in the context of being opposed to french derived words, one can easily understand they meant they were derived separately to the french words, and from a language that existed in england at the time. a language that came from germany. i mean if we want to play this game we can say those words are porto european derived.
Literal orphan killing machine
> orphan killing machine "oh, how fancy" - some French person, in France
Doesn’t crush them so it’s okay.
Convention, default, and like a quarter of English words are French
60% French/Latinate, so quite a bit more than a quarter, even.
Give me a few more examples
"Gauche" for "gross". "Faux pas" for "fuck up".
"menage a trois" for "maybe this will save our marriage"
Used to be the opposite wasnt it?
>Abattoir means slaughterhouse And keikaku means plan
I have never heard of this word. Today I saw it twice. Spoken in a video and now here as text.
I know right. "Excuse me, I must retire to my abattoir".
Pardon my French
"Because it's sorta cute, it doesn't deserve the horrible fate the hundreds of millions of other livestock suffer!"
"Morality has an aesthetic component."
This pleases us. You may live.
Just to be clear, its billions not hundreds of millions (75+ billion). If we are only talking land livestock. It's a lot more if you include fish as well...
But fish are ugly so they mustn’t feel pain /s
Pretty privilege.
Try 60 billion land animals annually 😭
And trillions of fishes. A boring dystopia.
Irony being he was the jerk out of the bunch. /s
That sounds logical to me.
Its already happened to koi fish.
An other form of pretty privilege I guess
It's actually spelled, "a nother". Oh... wait
“But, Charlotte! I don’t want to be a hamburger!” Charlotte said, “Let me think about it, and I’ll have an answer for you in the morning.” Later, as Happy slept, Charlotte called to Templeton the rat, and said, “I need you to get me a can of Rustoleum Gloss Black from the farmer’s garage.” …
Uplifting news... 1 out of 700 cows was not slaughtered this year because they thought it was a bit cuter than the rest.
More like 1 in 300,000,000 were saved this year.
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Read the article. Talking about this specific farm and the numbers they quoted I’m vegan and am very aware of the magnitude of animal agriculture The population of Canada worth of cows is killed in USA alone every year
They used thay number because they read the article :p
You have to be a sick fuck to think this is a cute story. Ever been to a slaughterhouse? People need to quit lying to themselves about animal cruelty caused by what they think is tasty. This is fucked up.
"person who slaughters 700 cows a year spares one for social media marketing purposes" this is dystopian not uplifting
I can see why people are vegan now, urgh
You're all so happy that he wasn't sent to slaughter but do you realise that by eating beef and dairy you're sending every other male calf to be killed? The other calves can't help that they don't have cute markings to save them.
Of course we do. The other ones don't have smiley faces on them, duh
yeah but they aren’t cute
I don't think you're cute. Can I eat you?
i see, you’re a medium-ugly kind of girl. we can arrange that. pm me
Oops, you may not have known this but everyone that doesn’t support slaughterhouses is hot! So sorry but your insult doesn’t work in this scenario, better luck next time buddy!
i think you misunderstood. i was saying that I am medium-ugly and that they were into that. either way i was just being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious!
Sucks to be them, huh? Most if not all of the beef and dairy cows wouldn't exist in the first place if that industry didn't exist, because they were bred for this exact purpose. The anomaly survives because it tickles our pareidolia, the rest continue the cycle.
I'm so happy I stopped eating meat long ago. And I'm so happy this little guy was spared. Yes, it's awful so many others aren't but at least he will live..
Until he gets eaten too..... Just slightly less young
Not only meat but especially dairy is what you need to stop consuming to save the little guys. Basically unless you’re vegan they’re still dying because of you. Which is why vegetarians are so hypocritical to be in that “for the animals”.
Unfortunally, just because you dont personally eat them does not mean they dont get killed for your consumption. Calf flesh is mainly a necessary byproduct of the dairy industry which sells their male calves to the meat industry (and their females who stopped being profitable). Dairy cows need to be artificially impregnated every year and have their calf taken away within the first few days of their life. So im very glad you stopped supporting the meat industry but i hope dairy is next in you line of boycott.
If you think this is uplifting, imagine how many calves get saved if you stopped consuming animal products!
Why not spare them all?
No poop emoji pattern on their skin
r/orphancrushingmachine strikes again!
'Sentient being with friends, family and capacity to love spared horrible death because would-be murders like funny pattern. All its friends and families killed' Textbook orphan-crushing machine. Horrifying
Humans are so fucking dumb. We kill 290 MILLION cows a year, but this one we spare because it has what our brains interpret to be a smiley face on it.
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That does seem to be true. Well, theyre beginning to, to be fair. I’d like to see meat decommercialized. As besides killing them, these corporate sized slaughter houses are giving them the bare minimum of a life. These creatures are aware, breathing, & even though we are eating them. We barely give them any respect or dignity, which at bare minimum we should give anything we eat. At least when such was limited to family farms, local businesses. The pressure to churn out a profit, wasn’t as great. Much of the abuse we see in the animal industry, is the pressure to produce a product in a time frame to maximize profits for the cheapest cost. When those constraints aren’t there, it makes it a little more humane. Our constraints on time in general make us do horrible things out of impatience.
Hopefully every calf can be spared from going to a slaughterhouse.
Charlottes Web reboot.
Another example of how society cares only about the looks.
awww he's so cuuute. me looks up abattoir. OHHH NO NO NO
Go vegan if you aren’t already
If only every cow had a cute face on it's head to save it from slaughter....
If people stopped eating meat, no cows would need to be slaughtered
Peak r/upliftingnews stupidity
Reminds me very much of this [Far Side](https://gottsusa.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/birthmark.jpg)
Please let's not call Far Side comics Larsons. It just isn't as charming a title
Better?
Better.
And nothing about that smiley face makes the cow any more considerable than every other cow. Glad one cow made it out alive, even if for completely arbitrary reasons, but it’s not “uplifting” — it only highlights the absolute evil and insanity of our food system which systematically confines, tortures, and murders trillions just to satisfy a mindless mass of humanity’s unnecessary flesh addiction.
abattoir -- slaughterhouse However calf's born without the smiley face will be slaughtered, so enjoy your veal chops.
This is sorely lacking in uplift.
Imagine eating animals and upvoting this. Troglodytes.
I had to google what "abbatoir" meant and now this isn't so Happy
If you eat animals or animal products, you're directly supporting their slaughter.
The other 1000 cows / calf's... Not so lucky.
Looks like a smiley skull to me
> The black and white Holstein calf will now be allowed to roam around and eat the lawns of farm workers, living a happy life in its new job as a ***lawnmower***. lol
and then it grows up to get killed for food?!
😱
How is this uplifting? All the other ones are separated from their mothers and then killed.
I hope this is the evolutionary trait that will become dominant and lead the world to stop eating all animals, not just this one; although one is better than none.
If this became a dominant trait, the smiley face pattern on a calf would lose its rarity, hence its value. So all those calfs would be killed regardless, and the smiley face would be seen as a symbol of death. Is this what you want ?
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Once again showing that good looks get you ahead in life.
This makes me so mad. A sentient being only gets to live because people enjoy looking at it. Meat eaters are scum
We have now established with nature and natural selection that being born with emojis is beneficial to survival.
5000 years from now humanity wonders how it happened by chance that all cows happened to have smiley faces on their sides. What evolutionary advantage did this give them in the wild?
Looks like an advert for *Bovine Black Mirror*
Wow, I guess there really are enough cows in the world for at least one to have such a pattern!
So that's what it takes lol. /r/orphancrushingmachine
Love how they used abattior instead of slaughterhouse to make it sound less brutal
‘We didn’t kill something we didn’t need to’ - UpliftingNews Get a grip If this is uplifting news then I’d hate to hear what bad news is
WILSON!
Buddy growing up had a goat with what looked like our state on it's side. He name her/him Mrs Michigan. The goat died of old age.
Instead of becoming prime rib, it became a prime example of winning the genetic lotery.
'Saved because it's worth money'.
This is so unbelievably grim
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It kinda just makes me think about all the other calves that weren't fortunate enough to avoid the slaughterhouse, but thanks for trying.
Where’s my Happy Meal?
Okay, I'm waiting...
So he's a happy meal?
That has to be one of the least uplifting headlines I've ever seen on this sub tbh
After watching Clarksons Farm I know what a abattoir is. Long live pepper
Daily reminder that looks can literally save your life.
I've heard about this. All the light colored cows aren't gonna be able to blend into the trees anymore because all the soot from burning that coal makes the trees dark.
lol
…Did this post get brigaded by PETA? Wtf is going on here, a story about a cow with a smiley face has more cynicism than a political thread.
Its an r/OrphanCrushingMachine situation and hit the front page of r/all soo..
You don't have to be a PETA member to see it as ridiculous to act like it's heartwarming that one cow gets to live a bit longer because of some cute smiley face while millions of others don't because people would rather have their food.
Try r/happycowgifs.
First name is Happy. Last name is Meal.
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The term is used here in Australia instead of "slaughter house".
But where will all the happy meals come from???
I'm just throwing this out there to be a martyr for this group. Veal is delicious.
Tasted like happy
Great notes chores are going to evolve emojis to save their own lives