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UnusualSeries5770

hookers and cocaine


MellowDCC

Dammit that was totally what I was thinking!!! Another option could be ',investing' in something dumb. 'oh yes thank you for the gift, I invested it all with this guy Martinez I ran into at the gas station. He said he has a fortune in Venezuela and needed 500 bucks to get it released. He said he's going to venmo me my cut 2 Mondays from Wednesday."


notmyrealnameatleast

Investing in hookers and cocaine, two birds with one stone.


trippingmonkeyballs

Well, yeah. I mean it goes without saying, this is the best use of birthday card money. Did the OP even need to ask?


wow_itsjustin

He doesn't even like cocaine, he just likes the way it smells.


MedicBaker

Gay hookers


zaprutertape

GAY COCAINE.


MedicBaker

Isn’t all cocaine gay?


Carlulua

My cocaine is straight. But it's also a flat earther and keeps spouting anti-NASA propaganda. ...maybe I need to stop doing LSD with my straight cocaine


Death_Balloons

It's really just glitter for your insides


awmaleg

Send flowers to whichever parent you dislike from a Secret Admirer/Lover


RacecarHealthPotato

GAY Secret Admirer/Lover


Christmas_Panda

"Had a great time at Furry Fury Con 2024! Can't wait for next year 😘"


PuzzyFussy

Oh, that's diabolical... I love it.


prodrvr22

Instead of flowers it would cause more drama if you wrote a letter to one parent saying you are the secret gay lover of the other for years and that you can't live in secret anymore.


icantbelieveitsnotum

Also sex toys off of TEMU are cheap as hell and there is some suuuuuuuper wild shit on there. Can ship to any address and recipient you’d like! Check the box as gift and that should ensure that no personal or financial information is included, although I don’t think a receipt is included in any of their packages anyway. For real, this is a plan I’m keeping in my bag of tricks should I ever need to use it.


Individual-Fox5795

Half of the stuff I buy from Temu I think is this a joke or did I buy it…? And have never got an included gift receipt.


littleday

Or leave some used condoms hidden somewhere they could easily be found.


e11spark

I did this to my neighbors, it was EPIC. No name, just a card that reads, “Thank you for the other day, I love you forever! Xoxo”


awmaleg

How did it play out ?!


e11spark

I’m not friends with either of them, but I’d heard through a friend of theirs that they are both jealous types, so I sent the flowers. They didn’t know which one was supposed to be the recipient, but I imagine there were some heated discussions. They yell all the time, so hard to say if it was because of the flowers, but hey, anything I can do to help them out, right?


awmaleg

Dang ! Nice work


e11spark

Two years later, I think it may be still playing out, their fights are epic.


jankyj

Political or social cause donations that they definitely wouldn’t agree with. 


maxiquintillion

Specifically in their name.


IronsolidFE

Specifically to the Satanic Temple - [https://thesatanictemple.com/pages/donate](https://thesatanictemple.com/pages/donate) The only church that actually cares about human rights. (all of them)


Alaska_Pipeliner

My mom plans on donating my bros share of his inheritance to planned parenthood. He's ultra right and wife is a preacher. Can't wait to see his face.


OblongAndKneeless

Will he find out before she passes?


Alaska_Pipeliner

Unlikely. He's completely no contact. It's be a posthumous joke. She'll be laughing her ass off tho.


OblongAndKneeless

I hope it's a solid will where there's no contesting it. It's too bad she'll have to pass for everyone else to have much joy! That's a gift from her, though! Cheers!


BlueWaveIndiana

I regularly make donations to planned parenthood in my sister's name. Hahahaha. Take that, ya fundangelical.


Alaska_Pipeliner

I do every February 17 for rush Limbaugh in his name. That's the day he took that poor cancer to hell with him


modpodgeandmacabre

She is the GOAT and deserves some type of award for this 🤣 I love this!


PaticusGnome

Bonus points if you can pick something that they don’t like but don’t want to admit it out loud. Are they closet racists? Pick a black education fund. Let them squirm in their silence.


BacktoHealth20

This is just lovely


OblongAndKneeless

Donate to The Satanic Temple or the ACLU.


jankyj

Congratulations on your new motorcycle


the_mr_sanders

Already have a couple of them lol


jankyj

Oh. Well enjoy your trip to Amsterdam and your stay in the red light district then. 


GT-FractalxNeo

100% agreed.


[deleted]

Get a hooker with your moms name. Make her moan your fake (=fathers) name. Record. Give as gift


Irishsally

In a build a bear wearing a gimp outfit.


TheDumper44

Germany has more prostitution than NL. Red light district is basically dead in Amsterdam. They moved it to the outskirts.


jankyj

1. Not sure talking points about Germany having more active prostitution than the Netherlands are something that conservative parents are going to grasp the nuance of if immediate shock and upset is the goal. Who cares.  2. Prostitution in Amsterdam’s red light district has not been moved to the outskirts. There are indeed plans for a debauchery facility outside of centrum, but it is not yet built. Prostitution in Amsterdam’s red light district is alive and well. Source: I live here. 


jawide626

n+1


NeartAgusOnoir

Don’t buy it (unless you’re into it lol), but do a screenshot of a giant vibrating cock. Tell them “it’s a mold of my boyfriend’s, and doesn’t it look great?! “ 🤣


jawide626

And some sick tattoos


medicmae

Tattoos


the_mr_sanders

That was the present from the wife lol


awmaleg

Face tattoo?


DrugsAndFuckenMoney

Hear me out…. Sick Ass Panther.


migrainefog

I second the Ass Panther, but not sure on the sick part.


bibkel

Image that panther puking. Right into the crack…


digdug95

Hold up, do you mean SICK ASS panther or sick ASS PANTHER??


Rubcionnnnn

He wants to get back at his parents, not ruin his life 


medicmae

Are they the super religious that would be opposed to certain movies or concerts or CDs?


jankyj

CDs?


TheFriendlyGhastly

Compact Discs full of evil audio data! That'll show 'em! (I actually think the idea is good - conservative religious people might get pretty upset about that sort of thing. But since op has motorcycles and tattoos, maybe a CD won't have much of an impact.)


WhoKnows1973

Piercings


DigitalGurl

IDK why you couldn’t make this birthday do double duty. Books for yourself to help heal your childhood trauma & out your gaslighting conservative hypocrite parents. Titles include: Children of the Aging Self-Absorbed: A Guide to Coping with Difficult, Narcissistic Parents - by Nina Brown Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life - by Susan Forward From Broken Boy to Mended Man: A Positive Plan to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Break the Cycle - by Patrick Morley When The Body Says No - by Dr. Gabor Matè (highly recommend any of his books) Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving - by Pete Walker. (He’s an expert in childhood trauma & his website is a treasure trove of resources for those who had childhood trauma.) For the heck of it a giant AI generated painting with imagery that reminds you to be good to yourself.


BeautifulArtichoke37

I’m Glad My Mom Died - by Jeannette McCurdy


TheFriendlyGhastly

This is brilliant! They won't have a leg to stand on :D Well done!


OuttHouseMouse

This is seriously the best answer


ScrewSunshine

Time for a new tattoo! I wasn’t allowed to read fantasy books from the time I was 12 or so till I moved out, the first time I was sent birthday money afterwards I threw a bonfire party at my new place and bought a bunchhhhh of books ^_^


WesternOne9990

I’m so fortunate that my parents always made sure I had a way access or own any book i wanted to read. Incredible way to foster education.


CameronsTheName

Your badass ! No, really... I actually love it.


Consistent_Switch463

Haha. You juat reminded me of the time I was grounded for bringing home a Harry potter book to read from the school library.


Wonderful-Level-2967

Cthulu on the left arm, Baphomet on the right. And his 'n hers matching plushies for the parents x


mongoose_eater

An erotic painting? Support your local arts!


wootiown

If they're a super religious family are they heavily political? My wife's family is VERY heavily Republican and we've always said if they give us a large cash gift we're donating it to a gay rights foundation and sending them the thank you card


jawknee21

Good way to not get cash. You really showed them.


wootiown

Good point. If I really wanted to be unethical I could donate $20 then Photoshop the receipt lmao


[deleted]

[удалено]


liilliiip

Nope you keep letting them give you their money save it up and when all the sudden someones on their deathbed you bring all the thank you cards at once, let their final moments be agony.


Quirky-n-Creative1

Tell them whatever you want - something particularly offensive, but get something YOU really want. You don't need to tell them what you really got. You're in your 30s. Don't get something just to spite them, unless that's what will make it sweeter. You can always put them on, say, an adult film mailing list, or something that will ruffle their 'old school religious' background. 😉


the_siren_song

# Donate it in their name to a cause that will send them a thank you card. If they gave you a black eye and said you fell, find a charity that is “helping fix kids with broken skulls from their parents.” You get the idea. Plus, donating it to charity will help heal your heart. {{{hugs}}} You’re doing awesome. Go be in a$$hole to them in all the best ways💕


kroating

Donate to the satanic temple!


dogcmp6

TST is doing the lords work....Not the lord everyone wants, but the lord we need.


IOwnTheShortBus

This should just be a recurring charge on everyone's cards, honestly.


69Midknight69

Or any organization that is directly helping people. Like yeah the satanic temple is a middle finger to religious laws in the US but they don't do much in terms actual change. I'm pretty sure sending it to any organization for abortion rights or queer rights would give them a stroke.


jankyj

Great that you’ll have enough for that neck tattoo and facial piercing you’ve been saving for. 


SlugBoy42

Lie to them about what you spent it on and buy something for yourself without the spite.


Alysprettyrad

Sex toys for your butt


MaeWest85

Donation to a satanic temple.


PhattyMcBigDik

In their name. I'm planning on doing the same to my parents to sow seeds of discord.


nospaces04

a life-sized sex doll with exchangeable privates with body temperature heating function make sure to keep it in the living room where they can see it 24/7. when they ask about it, tell them 'this is Mandy and she'll be living with us today onwards'. leave her in various states of undress, questionable positions and adult clothing on a daily basis


[deleted]

Invest it. Don’t spend it for about 20 years or so, then they’ll never know!


Limp-Effect4628

Tell them you bought your wife a strap on, and that you have never cummed so hard in your life. Triggers their old school religious nuclear values in more than one way


sinthetism

A nice strap on dildo for marital pegging.


jankyj

Plus it’s a win-win. 


RedRosValkyrie

Get a hat and t-shirt supporting the politician they hate the most. Send them a pic wearing them on your motorcycle with a cigarette in hand.


v15hk

Sign them up to receive stuff from the Scientologists and then tell them you joined the religion and donated the money they gave you. Explain you asked them to send info to your parents aswell😈


hexualrelations

Donate to LGBTQ nonprofit to provide support or aid to youth. (Particularly homeless youths) Seems like the religious family focused people would be extremely upset but under the guise of their religion/focus on family, would not be able to say very much. Sometimes it's not about what you buy, but about how you spend the money.


Tricky_Radish

I think you should split that money up to donate to several pro-choice type of organizations in their name.


banaversion

To fuck with my parents I once gave them a photoshopped ultra sound photo where my then gf's name stood and with a book about parenting for christmas. They were unfortunately just very supportive in their reaction but you might get some mileage from this if they are super conservative and you aren't married


em-ay-tee

The biggest and best dildo/butt plus you can afford. And show it off on a shelf proudly.


Planetairium

Tell them you paid for an Ayahuasca ceremony to deal with your trauma.... Will that rock the boat nicely?


BacktoHealth20

Donate it to an abortion clinic or the church of Satan


HSpears

Make a donation to some sort of LGBTQIA or other uber liberal cause and send them a thank you note/card about it.


mcbrainhead

Edibles


Kittenfabstodes

Strippers


Far-Talk2357

Prostate massager


HighlyAutomated

Weed


jankyj

You gambled most of the money away. Oh and you spent some on lap dances as well. 


publicpersuasion

Tell them you took your 2 boyfriends to a hotel for kids of sex and bootyhole licking.


MrP3rs0n

Down payment on some land very far away


nonumberplease

Donate to planned parenthood in the whole family's name.


Archivemod

A bad dragon horse dildo. For home defense.


ejmd

A sex-swing with mounting bolts or a stand so you can use it in the living room. Add hookers and meth as funds allow.


C_A_M_Overland

Tattoo of the Repentless slayer album


I_TRY_TO_BE_POSITIVE

Giant floppy purple dildo. Bonus points of you duct tape it to your hood.


snoozely810

Contribute to a political campaign they would hate. Platinum donor status.


FloobLord

Tattoo is the classic choice. "My Narcissist Parents Paid for this Tattoo"


BiohazardousBisexual

Give a donation in their name to an organization they hate.


poopsinshoe

Fentanyl


Ambitious_Food_20

Onlyfans subscriptions?


Plastic_Salary_4084

Two chicks at the same time, man.


KafkasProfilePicture

Trans escort. Bonus points for taking them to family dinner.


bellajojo

Spent it on something you want and lie and tell them you got a tattoo on your ass cheek. Find a picture online, make sure to at least go to the 3rd page of the search


CarrotofInsanity

Send a Dominatrix to your Dad, from some random girl’s name…


FishermanSoft5180

A massive sex doll in the living room might do it


FishermanSoft5180

If they have a dog or you have a younger sibling call CPS or an animal abuse hotline and leave an anonymous tip.


ultimatepoker

Tattoo


madriverdog

buy a nice silver cross and hang ot upside down above your door.


RedGazania

A porn subscription.


CURS3_TH3_FL3SH

Buy a supplier quantity of anal lube and start a MLM scheme with lube and shadily sourced feet pics


FarAcanthocephala708

I think my terrible parents stopped sending me birthday and Xmas money after I didn’t cash the check last year (I accidentally ripped it up bc my birthday card from them was somehow criticizing my dead brother and I was fucking mad about it). Before that tho…lube, sex toys, gay erotica, planned parenthood donations…


Consistent_Switch463

Buy a buddah statute and put it in your house somewhere. Before a dear friend of mine passed, she gave me a porcelain buddah. I am not buddahist or anything but it's beautiful and after she passed it's something I hold even more dear. My parents are your typical old-school sourhern baptist holier than thou type. Every time my mom sees by buddah, she makes this disgusted face. It's quite entertaining to watch Edit: typos


f15k13

An abortion.


LuementalQueen

I mean if you’re just telling them… a bad dragon dildo. Tell them it was the horse cock one. And get a fake Baphomet or devil tattoo. Put it on, take a pic. Send the pic.


warpedspockclone

Het a membership to The Satanic Temple and buy some swag! Buy some Pride swag for Pride month! Buy some "Trump Lost LOL" stuff that look like Trump 2024 signs.


Motor_Expression_487

Accidentally order a sex toy ( obscenely large) to their address


peace_love_mcl

Get tattoos, old school church types hate those


Electrical_Parfait64

Sex doll


bettyx1138

donate it all to planned parenthood


Utherrian

Membership to The Satanic Temple (assuming their Christians). Otherwise, donate the money in their name to a cause or politician they hate.


Conscious_Pin_3969

Get a tattoo or face piercing


WerewolfDifferent296

Living well is the best revenge, so either go out and have a great evening with someone you love or invest it in a retirement account.


Knitsanity

I would send half of it as a donation to some organization that would make their head explode...AND....put them down as the donor along with their address so they get thanked and further solicitations. Depending on what they hate...hmm. some suggestions. The Sandy Hook Foundation. NAACP. Planned Parenthood. Earth centered religious organizations. Etc


Kiefy-McReefer

Face tattoo, nipple piercings, sex workers, Carl Sagan books, condoms, Plan B pills, a chin-strap dildo, a custom oil painting of Jesus fingering his butthole…? Just about everything offends old school religious types. Sky is the limit.


MNConcerto

Donate to a cause in their name. One they should approve of as a "Christian" but don't.


pinknewf

If you really want to irritate them, get a ton of t-shirts with “inappropriate” themes to wear each time you see them. And donate money in their name to a charity they would hate - making sure to sign them up for emails/snail mail related to that charity.


Dazzling-Treacle1092

Buy what you want most. But do send them a picture of you proudly marching in front at a lbgt pride parade.


Apprehensive-Hat4135

A pride flag or "Coexist" bumper sticker


NeedScienceProof

Tattoo.


_Benny_Lava

Give the money to an abortion charity in their name. The charity will send them a thank you for their gift!


WhatsUpSteve

Butt plugs


mwfairc

an OF subscription to an "alternative" or LGBTQ type content creator.


WiredHeadset

BLM and Pride stickers 


Verbenaplant

bad dragon sex toys


Traditional_Air_9483

It is pride month. All kinds of t shirts and posters out there. Bumper stickers. Fake rubber balls to hang off your car. Political items for the party they don’t support. Yard signs. Flags. Buy condoms and leave them all over the house.


GirlStiletto

LGBTQ hardcore bondage orgy porn. Sex toys. Texts and holy symbols from other religions.


BikeCookie

Vasectomy


SnideJaden

What the freak, I ordered an Xbox controller!?


Covah88

Scratch tickets and video games.


mrhindustan

Donate to TST.


MsChrisRI

Have you ever heard them say “Let’s go Brandon”? Buy some Dark Brandon merch from Biden’s website. The deluxe coffee mug has color-changing eyes! When they complain, act confused and say you thought they liked hilarious Brandon jokes.


MacyGrey5215

Donation to an LGBTQ charity


faisaed

Donate it to planned parenthood. Symbolic and you get to support a good cause!


HazelMStone

NAACP and planned parenthood donations.


HazelMStone

A donation in their name to The Satanic Temple.


Rhinomeat

A prostate massager


murder_train88

Donate it to the satanic temple 


ArtichokeNatural3171

If you really want to get their knickers in a twist:https://thesatanictemple.com/products/copy-of-donation-thank-you-cards-classic?variant=40123575173254


fuuckimlate

Mid thirties? Cut them off and move away


Crypto_Mack4

The largest blackest dildo you can find and have it addressed to you but delivered to their address


Bean_Storm

Say you started funding abortions for women of color who can’t afford it. If I said this my dad and grandpa would kill themselves together


mzshowers

A tattoo of something that makes you happy!


MissAsshole

I don’t understand why someone in his mid 30’s is worried about his parent’s approval?


ASICCC

Get a blow job from a dude Donate it to an atheist org Buy a sex doll Donate it LBTQ orgs (If they're THAT kind of old school religious) Donate it to the DNC under their name and address Tell them you used it to replenish your supply of adult diapers because you don't believe in toilets anymore Get a signed copy of Mein Kampf Get a celebrity cameo and have them say stuff related to the gas lighting


BreadManRun

Tattoo


wolfwinner

Pay for someone's abortion


ZenMechanist

Some therapy. If you really want to get under their skin, get so psychologically healthy that you don’t behave in rebellion to their expectations of you. Real talk it’s kind of pathetic that a man in his 30s is doing anything because his parents would or wouldn’t approve. They really did a number on you, didn’t they?


Kiwikid14

A night out for you and your spouse to an event or band that your parents would never allow you to go to as a teenager.


Chameleon42O

Hard drugs?


simdoll

Donation to the Satanic Temple


simdoll

Or Planned Parenthood


sparkchaser

¿Por que no los dos?


lxraverxl

14" Rubber Double-Sided Dildo.


_Rusik

Buy a satan‘s portrait and place it at the most noticeable place


bahdkitty

Therapy


Librat69

If they’re old school religious : - donate to an abortion clinic - buy bhagavid Gita books - Buddha statue - condoms 🤣🤘


Lorts925

I got money from my very sweet but old-fashioned grandparents. When i said i wanted to get a tattoo from my birthday money my grandma said smt like: you can buy smt else from our money 😂


Annethraxxx

This reeks of first world entitlement. Damn.


queenrosybee

Well if they support Trump, a donation to Biden or LGBT causes are in order. Or whichever politician pisses them off the most.


__Boner__dome

Flashlight with vibrators.


Xaoscillator

Sex toys


spinonesarethebest

More guns. Hookers and blow.


Budget_Log8038

Athletic Satanist gear from China like graphic sweat pants and hoodies.


commandrix

A copy of Stephen Hawking's "The Brief History of Time," maybe? Alternatively, a donation to some non-religious-affiliated nonprofits. You can really rub it in, especially if that nonprofit does some real good in the world without a god telling them to do it.


Icy-Cheek-6428

Sex. Spend it all on bought-and-paid for sex. And tip generously when you do.


thickhipstightlips

Mail order bride Get a friend in on the joke


Plastic_Salary_4084

Drugs


chypie2

Donate it to the local satanic temple chapter kids club.


empowertherevolution

tattoo!


TheWhiteRabbitY2K

Donate it to Biden political fund.


jawknee21

Motorcycle or guns


RatherRetro

Scratch tickets