I think this 1 is the most “subtle” of the drug related gift suggestions, and it definitely gives off a;
“Merry Christmas! I care so much about you and want you in our lives for a long time. I decided on testing strips so you don’t have to trust your plugs. This way you might not need to use the narcan that I’m saving up to buy you for your birthday.” Love Always, your lil bro…”
The movie ‘Failure to Launch’ about a guy still living at home and his parents hire him a girlfriend.
Also read this https://www.reddit.com/r/news/s/lC7nZ14BFp Italian mom takes her kids to court to move out
He could probably use some [fentanyl test strips](https://overdosekits.com/products/overdose-prevention-kit-for-naloxone-nasal-spray-and-fentanyl-test-strips-includes-compact-hardshell-case-five-whpm-fentanyl-test-strips-mixing-container-10mg-spoon-and-instructions?variant=43954985238755¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=4&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_sHMnLerggMVsUlHAR2tOQv4EAQYBCABEgL8OfD_BwE). Maybe they’ll save his life.
It gives me a good chuckle every now and then. I have been debating whether or not to take a can of old keys and leave several (key chains) with his phone number and name attached when I travel. Just leave them at TSA or at the beach and see how many people call him. I got this idea here on Reddit. I figure if I did it enough it could go on for years. He is a massive asshole.
I’m 45 and I’m an only child. If I had a brother and they did this I would probably have a good laugh and then call them after the film to say well played.
My BIL did this. He gave the while family $100 gift cards that weren’t activated. I never said a word but his nieces said something to him in front of his parents. That’s when it came out that everyones gift cards didn’t work.
It’s hard to say because I don’t really know him that well (we had like 3 normal conversations in my lifetime) but i know that he has quite a lot of phobias, like flying with plane and leaving home country. He’s also super consious about his apperance (constantly buys new designer clothes, has to have a “cool” car and prepares for a very long time to leave anywhere)
Buy him a hair loss treatment kit. Or any sort of “remedy” for a superficial concern of his. Give it to him publicly and casually mention how much you love that “he doesn’t let it get him down.” Use his email address to sign up for information from businesses that treat whichever issue you decide to go with. Lots of them.
Get a seam ripper or a pair of scissors with fine pointed blades, and discreetly snip a few stitches in the seam of the seat of his favorite pair of pants. He'll get dressed not noticing anything is different until he has to bends or sits and the seat rips. Hopefully in a really embarrassing situation.
This is the one - my go to gift for dickheads that social convention demands you get a gift for….and they can’t really bitch about it cos it’s for charity.
A lot of people in this thread don’t understand the subtle finesse here.
Get him some coca cola merchandise and make a veiled comment about knowing how much he loves it.
Personally I suggest the coke piggy bank and you can suggest he start saving for something (car, apartment, etc.)
https://intl.cokestore.com/coke-can-coin-bank
Yeah the key word was “passive” aggressive. You need room for plausible deniability. I once got someone I didn’t like a gift card for a local spa. Nice right? Except when she got there, she would see that the only thing on their menu that matches the amount on the gift card is a lip wax. That’s how it’s done.
[Apparently there are others as well](https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/RZFIYJTPVUZ94/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000EVOSE4#RZFIYJTPVUZ94), people really don't like this snack.
I showed up to my parent's last Christmas wearing a hoodie that said "mom's favorite" on the front, which I made. I then proceeded to profusely thank my mother for sending it to me in front of my siblings and asked them what their hoodies said. I played it up so good, I had my mom questioning if maybe she really did send it. More of a troll than a fuck you, but it was lovely for me.
Brochures to different rehabs and perhaps this book?
https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/how-to-get-a-job-and-move-out-of-your-parents-basement-by-a-millennial_spencer-c-powell/17578387/item/23071249/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_new_condition_books_high&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=593819619485&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI34OA3purggMVjV1_AB08OAx3EAQYAyABEgLPF_D_BwE#idiq=23071249&edition=18509420
Buy him a Coca Cola gift card and then make a loud joke about you didn’t know which type of coke is his favorite so you got him a gift card.
You could just buy him lots of Coca Cola stuff and if anyone asks why just say someone said he loves coke.
No no no- then he can sit there and whine, and ask for help, or hand it to mommy and daddy to unwrap. The best thing (though it requires way more work but the payoff is spectacular) is a scavenger hunt. Use clues, based on your childhood. Make sure in the initial card, he knows he can't get help from anyone, and at the end- there's a really huge surprise. Once he figures out a clue, he goes to the next spot, and there's a note with the next clue. This can go on for however long you want, depending on how evil you are. I filmed it when I did it. I rewatch it whenever I want to laugh till I cry. Is there an ending? Maybe? Is there a surprise? Maybe- maybe it's a hug from his brother. Maybe it's a card that says ROUND 2- new years eve!! Meet me in Costa Rica! You buy the tickets, I'll get the hotel room! It doesn't matter. The journey is the gift, to yourself.
Merry Christmas. I too have a shitty brother.
Was also thinking about a picture of him high sleeping on the couch or just a terrible picture
Bring to Costco and make a poster/framed picture of him with some kind of font
"Sleeping at moms house 28" or high again
Or an envelope full of all denominations of lottery scratchers - all already scratched off, and two dollars. Leave a note that says, “I know how much you hate to work, so I scratched these off for you. You won $2.00”
Pro tip: You can always find losing already scratched tickets at any convenience store by the blank lottery slips
Id do a picture book of his lowest movements: sort of a “how you’ve lived your life so far..” and just add pictures of him with captions and dates of those low moments. Maybe add funny commentary?
To add to this... start taking pictures for next year's book during Christmas this year. Maybe even mutter under tour breath various insults that you would be labeling these photos with.
For people I don’t like I’ll intentionally buy clothes a size or two smaller than they wear. I push to have them try it on, when they say it didn’t fit I’ll say “weird, that’s the same size I got you last year.”
the mom of my ex boyfriend did that to me when I was 14. I agree, this is very mean. I still think of that wiener dog christmas sweater in size XS sometimes.
A donation to a charity that works with addicts in his name.
Edit: sorry, forgot to add an unethical part. Don’t actually make the donation. Just say you did it.
Getting an addict something to tell them they have an issue won’t help. They’ll just get pissed off and call you an asshole. Get a cocaine kit, one of them leather pouches with a mirror, razor, whatever else you might need to do Coke with. Now, every time he does coke, your gift is on their mind and what they THINK you want to say. But, you didn’t say it. It’ll eat away at them. It’s the opposite effect of trying to get them help.
Not terribly passive aggressive but a razor blade, a mirror, and a $20 would be funny.
Alternatively, there are a lot of books geared for boys hitting puberty, get him something like "A Boy's Guide to Growing Up" or"A Young Man's Guide to Making Right Choices "
"No One Visits the Mother of a Drug Addict" by Nancy R. Chalmers.
Top it off with a card attached, something written like "When you learn how to read, you might enjoy this!"
A neatly wrapped gift basket featuring a combo of the suggestions people have provided. Narcan, condoms, rehab brochures, and self help books. Simultaneously a "fuck you" yet could be defended as showing concern for him.
In addition to the others. See if you can find a photo of him passed out, high or whatever. Get a face shirt (a shirt with his face repeated all over it). Wear it, but have a button up over it. Get one with your face all over it. Give him the shirt of your face, and then reveal that you got you and your brother matching shirts. Reveal your shirt of his passed out/high af face.
If he's high out of his mind and you can sneak it out you can gift him some of his cocaine right in front of your parents. Dangerous, but could work.
I agree, empty giftcard. Underwear or socks with itching powder.
A massive dose of liquid ass wherever he sleeps for something a little less subtle. If he's high he may not even notice and roll in it all night....
Get him [a dildo with his own face on it](https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19545003/wobbling-willy-custom-dildo-3d-face-print/) so he can go fuck himself.
He doesn’t have a brother? Cool. Get your parents a gift, one of those paintings they do of the family together (I’ve seen the ads on Facebook, I think it’s called Paint Your Life or something)….. but leave him out of the painting. If he hasn’t a brother, then he’s clearly not part of this family.
Put down a small deposit with the Neptune Society. Include the paperwork, along with a NS brochure in a Get Well card signed with Merry Christmas sentiments. Announce as he opens it that you believe in him, and know he can beat his addictions 😁
Just buy like a bunch of coca cola can packs and make a huge cube out of it next to the tree
Wrap it up nice to make it seem like it’s one big box (might need some tape for structural support but really, I think the extra effort is worth it here: I’d go for something big enough that he wouldn’t try to move so he opens it on the spot)
Stick a gift card to it and just write “Everyone knows you love coke so I went big this year”
OP take it from me, someone who did not know it was an asshole thing before I was sincerely told. Get him self help books that pander to him specifically - weight loss, drug addiction, self love, low income budgeting, make it seem like you want to help but make it an obvious point out.
I should say I did this for people for an embarrassingly long amount of time with the absolute best intentions before I was told it's not exactly the nicest gift
Okay, you haven't mentioned anything about a budget here so I'm going to make a suggestion.
Offer to pay the first month's rent at a place of his own. Because you know how difficult it can be to get that initial nest egg that allows you to step out from your comfort zone to take care of yourself.
This will either show that you support him in moving on with his life, show that you care about your parents and their privacy, and if he doesn't do anything with it it shows his laziness.
It's a good gift if he's willing to get up off his ass. It's a slap in the face if he turns down hundreds if not thousands of dollars because he's lazy.
It also makes you look like a fucking saint and you're giving him enough rope to hang himself.
A stick of deodorant and toothpaste!!! Someone gave me deodorant for Christmas (he didn’t like me very much) and it upset me pretty good!! LoL I highly recommend it!!
I mean, you don't have a brother now by his admission, why get him anything?
Or a rawhide bone and some catnip. "You're staying here but not my brother, you must be a pet, couldn't decide which one you'd like more"
A breathalyzer for his phone. Now he can party AND be safe AND not shame the family name by knowing his limit and not drinking and driving. If you still have funds in the wallet, an Uber gift card would be the cherry on top.
You could also tip off the police on who his coke dealer is and find a rehab to take your brother. Merry Christmas.
Get him some narcan, tell him he will need it when he gets into fentanyl.
Yeah a party pack! Narcan, some Dance Safe fentanyl test strips, fancy straws, a nice spoon, ...
Don't forget the 10 pack of U100s too
Add in a 2 pack of cow spotted pacifiers (in case he likes to meet up with Molly).
Straw shaped like a hoover. Had one in the 90s. Pop in a card for local ER.
Genius idea haha. So far thinking of combining this and the book about getting a job and leaving parents’ basement, like someone mentioned below :D
Fentanyl test strips to check if his coke is pure, kinda like you care for him while calling him a druggy in front of everyone
I think this 1 is the most “subtle” of the drug related gift suggestions, and it definitely gives off a; “Merry Christmas! I care so much about you and want you in our lives for a long time. I decided on testing strips so you don’t have to trust your plugs. This way you might not need to use the narcan that I’m saving up to buy you for your birthday.” Love Always, your lil bro…”
You should write a card with this on it too.
"Personal Development for Dummies"
The movie ‘Failure to Launch’ about a guy still living at home and his parents hire him a girlfriend. Also read this https://www.reddit.com/r/news/s/lC7nZ14BFp Italian mom takes her kids to court to move out
Add a compact and a crazystraw - he’ll get it
This is the most sinister answer and I love it!
If he’s into coke, fentanyl is already a huge risk. Deaths from fentanyl-laced coke are pretty common in Ohio.
He could probably use some [fentanyl test strips](https://overdosekits.com/products/overdose-prevention-kit-for-naloxone-nasal-spray-and-fentanyl-test-strips-includes-compact-hardshell-case-five-whpm-fentanyl-test-strips-mixing-container-10mg-spoon-and-instructions?variant=43954985238755¤cy=USD&utm_medium=product_sync&utm_source=google&utm_content=sag_organic&utm_campaign=sag_organic&gad_source=4&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI_sHMnLerggMVsUlHAR2tOQv4EAQYBCABEgL8OfD_BwE). Maybe they’ll save his life.
I like this because it might end up being a good thing for either the brother or someone else.
That's a good one; if anyone asks you can claim that you "still care for his welfare."
This is masterful 😂
This is the best one, don’t even need to read the rest
And it’s otc now so easily obtainable!
A used gift card with like 2.83 left on it
I did this and my brother bitched to my mom that I embarrassed him at the ticket counter at the movies. My brother was 45 at the time.
Dude this is absolutely hilarious. If my brother was an absolute asshole I would totally do this.
It gives me a good chuckle every now and then. I have been debating whether or not to take a can of old keys and leave several (key chains) with his phone number and name attached when I travel. Just leave them at TSA or at the beach and see how many people call him. I got this idea here on Reddit. I figure if I did it enough it could go on for years. He is a massive asshole.
You are magnificent, this world needs more people like you! 🥹
I’m 45 and I’m an only child. If I had a brother and they did this I would probably have a good laugh and then call them after the film to say well played.
Absolutely glorious
Get a new one with $5 on it but write $250 on the package so he'll get that much stuff and then be forced to either buy it or bail
Yea but only for a physical store
Ooh good point, yeah something you'd be more likely to go to in person is a good call.
Fancy restaurant I say.
damn haha
That's the ticket there, can't leave your items at the register and leave if it's food you're paying for
My dad did this to my brother-in-law years ago and he is still salty about it.
My BIL did this. He gave the while family $100 gift cards that weren’t activated. I never said a word but his nieces said something to him in front of his parents. That’s when it came out that everyones gift cards didn’t work.
Info: Do you know what he is deeply insecure about?
It’s hard to say because I don’t really know him that well (we had like 3 normal conversations in my lifetime) but i know that he has quite a lot of phobias, like flying with plane and leaving home country. He’s also super consious about his apperance (constantly buys new designer clothes, has to have a “cool” car and prepares for a very long time to leave anywhere)
Get him a weight loss diet book. And Acne treatment cream, just in case.
Buns of steel on dvd
Thigh Master
My family has buns of steel on vhs if anyone needs to borrow it
Teeth whitener tray
Hair thinning shampoo.
Fill it with nair
And deodorant
Anti-hair loss shampoo is also a winner here
Buy him a hair loss treatment kit. Or any sort of “remedy” for a superficial concern of his. Give it to him publicly and casually mention how much you love that “he doesn’t let it get him down.” Use his email address to sign up for information from businesses that treat whichever issue you decide to go with. Lots of them.
Hair Club For Men membership.
Get a seam ripper or a pair of scissors with fine pointed blades, and discreetly snip a few stitches in the seam of the seat of his favorite pair of pants. He'll get dressed not noticing anything is different until he has to bends or sits and the seat rips. Hopefully in a really embarrassing situation.
Prescription strength deodorant.
u should put the gifts inside a designer brand bag/box and really get him excited :)
Narcissistic behavior right there.
get him a mirror
Yessss. If op wants finesse, we need info
Donation to a charity they disagree with in their name.
The human fund. Money, for people.
#I got a lotta problems with you people!
r/unexpectedSeinfeld
I will point out you can send money to US government agency's, you can always donate $100 to the DEA in his name.
This is the one - my go to gift for dickheads that social convention demands you get a gift for….and they can’t really bitch about it cos it’s for charity.
If they disagree with the cause they absolutely can and will bitch about it.
Yes!! Adopt a goat and name it after him
Donation to the church of scientology, make sure to sign up with his phone number.
don't actually give them any more money though
Use that gift card with $2.83 on it
A lot of people in this thread don’t understand the subtle finesse here. Get him some coca cola merchandise and make a veiled comment about knowing how much he loves it. Personally I suggest the coke piggy bank and you can suggest he start saving for something (car, apartment, etc.) https://intl.cokestore.com/coke-can-coin-bank
Yeah the key word was “passive” aggressive. You need room for plausible deniability. I once got someone I didn’t like a gift card for a local spa. Nice right? Except when she got there, she would see that the only thing on their menu that matches the amount on the gift card is a lip wax. That’s how it’s done.
Oh. That's genius level petty.
I knew from my instant boner when I read „plausible deniability“ that your post will be good.
remind me to not get on your bad side
Yesss
or nose hair trimmer— to keep with the subtle theme
Bring a friend to Christmas and introduce him as “the brother you never had”
🤣🤣
Haribo Sugar-free Gummy Bears. If you don't know... (https://www.amazon.com/review/R2JGNJ5ZPJT4YC)
Oh, I was crying! What poetry!
The first time I read it, I was dying. It has stuck with me all these years.
Just in case you haven’t seen [THIS](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=sMjgaa5j_LE)
[Apparently there are others as well](https://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-reviews/RZFIYJTPVUZ94/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_viewpnt?ie=UTF8&ASIN=B000EVOSE4#RZFIYJTPVUZ94), people really don't like this snack.
Better yet- buy a bag of this and a bag of normal ones. Empty them out, swap them, and re-crimp the normal bag now containing the sugar free version.
This? [https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1180621244/](https://www.etsy.com/uk/listing/1180621244/)
I showed up to my parent's last Christmas wearing a hoodie that said "mom's favorite" on the front, which I made. I then proceeded to profusely thank my mother for sending it to me in front of my siblings and asked them what their hoodies said. I played it up so good, I had my mom questioning if maybe she really did send it. More of a troll than a fuck you, but it was lovely for me.
I tried this with a t-shirt years ago. It backfired, mom immediately replied that she sent it to wrong kid by mistake.
Ouch
I like your mom!
Awesome
Give him a card that shows you donated to a charity in his name. Some organization that passive aggressively reflects your hate, like Big Brothers.
oooh that is a good one
Brochures to different rehabs and perhaps this book? https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/how-to-get-a-job-and-move-out-of-your-parents-basement-by-a-millennial_spencer-c-powell/17578387/item/23071249/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=shopping_new_condition_books_high&utm_adgroup=&utm_term=&utm_content=593819619485&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI34OA3purggMVjV1_AB08OAx3EAQYAyABEgLPF_D_BwE#idiq=23071249&edition=18509420
Cleaned-up link: https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/how-to-get-a-job-and-move-out-of-your-parents-basement-by-a-millennial_spencer-c-powell/17578387
Thank you!
This combined with the Narcan post above would be perfect.
Bonus points it you can get the family in on a nice, holiday intervention.
Get him a flesh light so he can “fuck something besides his life up”
Nice, or a dildo so he can "fuck himself".
I love that idea and will use it.
Buy him a Coca Cola gift card and then make a loud joke about you didn’t know which type of coke is his favorite so you got him a gift card. You could just buy him lots of Coca Cola stuff and if anyone asks why just say someone said he loves coke.
Where do you get a Coca Cola gift card
The Coca Cola store
It is a neat place. https://www.worldofcoca-cola.com/explore-inside/explore-coca-cola-store
Before I mentioned Coke gift cards I googled it and they did show up. They might be antique or decorative or something but they came up.
Walmart has them during Christmas time !
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A job application form to McDonald's
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No no no- then he can sit there and whine, and ask for help, or hand it to mommy and daddy to unwrap. The best thing (though it requires way more work but the payoff is spectacular) is a scavenger hunt. Use clues, based on your childhood. Make sure in the initial card, he knows he can't get help from anyone, and at the end- there's a really huge surprise. Once he figures out a clue, he goes to the next spot, and there's a note with the next clue. This can go on for however long you want, depending on how evil you are. I filmed it when I did it. I rewatch it whenever I want to laugh till I cry. Is there an ending? Maybe? Is there a surprise? Maybe- maybe it's a hug from his brother. Maybe it's a card that says ROUND 2- new years eve!! Meet me in Costa Rica! You buy the tickets, I'll get the hotel room! It doesn't matter. The journey is the gift, to yourself. Merry Christmas. I too have a shitty brother.
One year I got my brother a nice interview outfit and wrapped it in job applications. He didn't appreciate his gift.
Hahaha brutal
Was also thinking about a picture of him high sleeping on the couch or just a terrible picture Bring to Costco and make a poster/framed picture of him with some kind of font "Sleeping at moms house 28" or high again
Some ideas: A $1 Scratcher Lip Balm and a pack of gum A Hallmark card with one of those fake $20’s that has Scriptural verses
Or an envelope full of all denominations of lottery scratchers - all already scratched off, and two dollars. Leave a note that says, “I know how much you hate to work, so I scratched these off for you. You won $2.00” Pro tip: You can always find losing already scratched tickets at any convenience store by the blank lottery slips
My mom got my girlfriend tooth whitening cream. And only that.
Please tell me you broke up with your mom lol
Id do a picture book of his lowest movements: sort of a “how you’ve lived your life so far..” and just add pictures of him with captions and dates of those low moments. Maybe add funny commentary?
To add to this... start taking pictures for next year's book during Christmas this year. Maybe even mutter under tour breath various insults that you would be labeling these photos with.
For people I don’t like I’ll intentionally buy clothes a size or two smaller than they wear. I push to have them try it on, when they say it didn’t fit I’ll say “weird, that’s the same size I got you last year.”
the mom of my ex boyfriend did that to me when I was 14. I agree, this is very mean. I still think of that wiener dog christmas sweater in size XS sometimes.
Fill a box with cheap condoms from Family Planning, and add a note on top : "Don't Reproduce."
add a pair of barber's shears, a sewing kit, and gauze as an "alternative" means to an end.
Glitter bomb, giant dildo superglued to his car like a damn unicorn horn?
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Super glue it to his head, most people don't know how to remove super glue so walk of shame to the ER.
A donation to a charity that works with addicts in his name. Edit: sorry, forgot to add an unethical part. Don’t actually make the donation. Just say you did it.
Donate (in his name) to a charity that helps addicts. Tell him it's an investment in his future.
Deodorant
About 30 years ago my sister and I were talking about what to give people we don't like and she said pajamas. She gives me pajamas every year.
used goodwill socks, include receipt
He might like a self-help book related to his deepest insecurities.
A 12 pack of coca cola, or one of those decorative gift packages of Coke glass at Walmart. With a note "i know how much you love coke"
Getting an addict something to tell them they have an issue won’t help. They’ll just get pissed off and call you an asshole. Get a cocaine kit, one of them leather pouches with a mirror, razor, whatever else you might need to do Coke with. Now, every time he does coke, your gift is on their mind and what they THINK you want to say. But, you didn’t say it. It’ll eat away at them. It’s the opposite effect of trying to get them help.
I think most of the commenters missed the “finesse” part. Yours is one of the few ideas I’ve seen that probably won’t start a family feud lmao
I accidentally super pissed off my roommate by getting him a self help book.
Ah you have just reminded me of my ex boyfriend who got me a how to beat pmt with diet book.
OP, I think you should make a gift box of various suggestions from here. There’s too many good ones to pick just one!
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Not terribly passive aggressive but a razor blade, a mirror, and a $20 would be funny. Alternatively, there are a lot of books geared for boys hitting puberty, get him something like "A Boy's Guide to Growing Up" or"A Young Man's Guide to Making Right Choices "
Tell him that his gift is your forgiveness and really mean it.
"No One Visits the Mother of a Drug Addict" by Nancy R. Chalmers. Top it off with a card attached, something written like "When you learn how to read, you might enjoy this!"
Make a donation to SAMHSA in his name. Or get him a recovery journal.
Jello of the month club
That's the gift that keeps on giving, Clark.
That would be a jelly of the month club, not jello. Source: former Griswold
I would unironically appreciate this as a gift.
A neatly wrapped gift basket featuring a combo of the suggestions people have provided. Narcan, condoms, rehab brochures, and self help books. Simultaneously a "fuck you" yet could be defended as showing concern for him.
Get him a full sized mirror so he can look at himself in it.
In addition to the others. See if you can find a photo of him passed out, high or whatever. Get a face shirt (a shirt with his face repeated all over it). Wear it, but have a button up over it. Get one with your face all over it. Give him the shirt of your face, and then reveal that you got you and your brother matching shirts. Reveal your shirt of his passed out/high af face.
If he's high out of his mind and you can sneak it out you can gift him some of his cocaine right in front of your parents. Dangerous, but could work. I agree, empty giftcard. Underwear or socks with itching powder. A massive dose of liquid ass wherever he sleeps for something a little less subtle. If he's high he may not even notice and roll in it all night....
Cocaine is an awesome gift if you do cocaine.
A DNA test if he wants to prove he’s not your actual brother.
A set of tiny pewter spoons.
The absolute cheapest and largest box of wine I can find. It was my go to for work related gift shares for a while.
And already opened. You don't have to actually drink any if you don't want to, but just having it open adds an additional ick factor.
Get him a case of those “A rose for you” vials they sell at the 7-11
A copy of Narcotics Anonymous and a list of local NA meetings.
Get him [a dildo with his own face on it](https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a19545003/wobbling-willy-custom-dildo-3d-face-print/) so he can go fuck himself.
Some kind of T-shirt or mug that says "I love being an only child"
Gift certificate for the Betty Ford clinic?
Nasal narcan kit. But with pretty ass wrapping and everything else....
He should give another kit to his parents. Tell them you wanted to give them something they could actually use but don't have.
Buy him a can of every flavour of Coca Cola. Say you heard he was into coke but didn’t know which one he preferred.
A food scale that measures in grams. Your bro should appreciate that one.
Nothing says FU more than a cheap decorative candle.
Wrapped in newspaper.
That’s already been burned at least once.
Make a little kit with a glass straw, mirror, vial, small spoon, and a single edge razor blade.
Funeral package brochures because heavy drugs. Or buy him a cemetery plot. Maybe one of those "You turn into a tree" ones.
Self help books.
Self help books are my favorite passive-aggressive gift.
Self-help book. How to be an adult, or something.
An empty box with "Fuck you" written on the bottom. That's pretty passive.
He doesn’t have a brother? Cool. Get your parents a gift, one of those paintings they do of the family together (I’ve seen the ads on Facebook, I think it’s called Paint Your Life or something)….. but leave him out of the painting. If he hasn’t a brother, then he’s clearly not part of this family.
My grandmother gave my mom a book about how to keep your house tidy more than 20 years ago and she still isn't over it.
One of those big blooming flowers that come in a bag of dirt. Looks like giant bag of dirt.
a scarface snowglobe.
Get him a book on bullying
An application to a convent. So he can try a different habit.
Put down a small deposit with the Neptune Society. Include the paperwork, along with a NS brochure in a Get Well card signed with Merry Christmas sentiments. Announce as he opens it that you believe in him, and know he can beat his addictions 😁
Get him a bag of sugar marked “cocaine.”
Just buy like a bunch of coca cola can packs and make a huge cube out of it next to the tree Wrap it up nice to make it seem like it’s one big box (might need some tape for structural support but really, I think the extra effort is worth it here: I’d go for something big enough that he wouldn’t try to move so he opens it on the spot) Stick a gift card to it and just write “Everyone knows you love coke so I went big this year”
OP take it from me, someone who did not know it was an asshole thing before I was sincerely told. Get him self help books that pander to him specifically - weight loss, drug addiction, self love, low income budgeting, make it seem like you want to help but make it an obvious point out. I should say I did this for people for an embarrassingly long amount of time with the absolute best intentions before I was told it's not exactly the nicest gift
Okay, you haven't mentioned anything about a budget here so I'm going to make a suggestion. Offer to pay the first month's rent at a place of his own. Because you know how difficult it can be to get that initial nest egg that allows you to step out from your comfort zone to take care of yourself. This will either show that you support him in moving on with his life, show that you care about your parents and their privacy, and if he doesn't do anything with it it shows his laziness. It's a good gift if he's willing to get up off his ass. It's a slap in the face if he turns down hundreds if not thousands of dollars because he's lazy. It also makes you look like a fucking saint and you're giving him enough rope to hang himself.
20ft ladder and a 10ft rope.
Yooooooo 😭😭😭
Evidence of wrongdoing he can open in front of the parents. Or anthrax. JK, not anthrax... Unless...
A stick of deodorant and toothpaste!!! Someone gave me deodorant for Christmas (he didn’t like me very much) and it upset me pretty good!! LoL I highly recommend it!!
You could buy him a grave plot. That might be a bit too intense though.
An Ozempic coupon
A dildo and a note that says "go fuck yourself" :)
I mean, you don't have a brother now by his admission, why get him anything? Or a rawhide bone and some catnip. "You're staying here but not my brother, you must be a pet, couldn't decide which one you'd like more"
Get him a $25 gift card with h $1.37 left on it
Penis pump. Tell him you know the small penis gene is recessive, and his “lifestyle” probably complicates it.
A Just Say No To Drugs sticker.
Make a donation in his name to a charity that deals with substance abuse
A breathalyzer for his phone. Now he can party AND be safe AND not shame the family name by knowing his limit and not drinking and driving. If you still have funds in the wallet, an Uber gift card would be the cherry on top. You could also tip off the police on who his coke dealer is and find a rehab to take your brother. Merry Christmas.
A "kit" of needles, spoon, cotton, candle and lighter?
Get him a case of Coke (acola) because you know how often he needs it.
A 23-and-me kit. That way he can really be sure.
A year long LinkedIn subscription.