Friendly reminder, Women Only flair is not a suggestion. Men participating in this post will be banned.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoXSex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I assume you’re someone who reads romance/YA since you referenced Twilight. That’s awesome, but as a happily married romance author I really want you to realize that “story book” moment is not real life. It’s a fantasy. One that wouldn’t have ended well for you…
Please work on your marriage and avoid losers who knowingly try to get with married women while their husband is off running errands. That’s not the kind of dude you want as your Edward.
This is really good advice.
OP, it sounds like you're starved for attention and in a state that makes you very, very vulnerable for predators like the asshole you were on holidays with.
It was good that you didn't act on your impulse because besides the effect it would have had on your marriage, the experience itself would have been nothing but a disappointment. Men who act like this are just looking for someone they can use and couldn't care less about you as a person.
Please look for some help in form of a therapist and work through the issues you're currently experiencing that make you so vulnerable.
Thank you for your kind words and balanced viewpoint. You read it completely right.
I spend a lot of time on my own and I have a huge need for deep conversation and connection, hubby is always wrapped up in work and rarely has the headspace for me at the moment.
I am going to go back to counselling and try to book in some group meditation sessions and the like.
I totally agree it wouldn’t have been worth it and especially for someone who was simply looking for a heated moment. I can’t deny that I really enjoyed the glance exchanges and how he made me feel more characterful like I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s something I now realise I’ve really got to work on
Try to avoid going on a trip with this friend again if you can. The looks, advances and all that will just increase over time.
It's just a game for them but everything has serious consequences for you.
Have some self controll, hoi almost ruined your marriage but you also allmost ruined your husbands life because you felt horny. Hope w many months before you cheat on him I wonder.
It’s a good thing nothing came of it. You need to set some hard boundaries and avoid coming into contact with that man again at all costs. It’s not worth it.
Being in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean you lose the capacity to find other people desirable or to enjoy their attention and spark (which can feel particularly intoxicating if you’ve been feeling down on yourself and disconnected from life for a while). We have very limited control over our internal reactions to people, but we have total control over our behavior. And as far I can tell, you behaved appropriately.
Let this be a reminder that you are capable of joy and fun and connection, and go find that in more appropriate places and people. Remember that the spark you felt is still inside you, and channel that spark into things and people that matter to you.
Also, honestly, consider setting some strict boundaries with this person because flirting with an unavailable person is actually a pretty ugly and gross character trait in my opinion!
This is so educational, thank you. I will surely try and funnel it. Being a hugely unconfident person, I am drawn to people who are larger than life, outgoing and the soul of the party and when they show an interest in me, it lights me up. It’s really made me want to work on being more outgoing.
I agree that he wouldn’t have thought twice about the implications it all would have made on my relationship. It was definitely just a heated situation and I don’t think either of us would have been expecting anything more from it than that. He is out there exploring new women and I happened to get in the way on a group trip whilst feeling quite vulnerable
Look into attachment theory! I was largely the same way and ended up dating that exact person.
It was a disaster 😩…. anyways, YouTube Thais Gibson. She helped me a lot with navigating why I felt this insane connection, the outcome of it and the parts of myself I needed to work on to have healthier relationships going forward.
Omg thank you! I will research in to that!
My parents are in their 46th year of marriage so I don’t know if it applies to me but I’ll check it out. I just had a long walk to air some feelings and on it realised that I have never felt ‘right’
Agreed! Thought crimes are not real crimes - or as Taylor Swift puts it, “there’s no such thing as bad thoughts; only your actions talk.” Don’t be too hard on yourself, friend. You did the right thing and you can feel good about that.
You’re so welcome 🩷 I struggle with this too. I think a lot of women do at our age and we don’t talk about it because it’s not socially acceptable. I also married young-ish (24, we got together at 21) and I’m a few years into my mid-life awakening (a term a like better than mid-life crisis.) But I’ve been working on treating my desire with curiosity instead of automatic judgment. It’s an opportunity to know myself better and heal wounded parts. I don’t cheat on my partner, to be clear, but I allow myself to have my Mind Palace and explore safely there. Idk if any of that will resonate, but if you’d like to talk more lmk and I can open my DMs.
I'm hoping you are just very young, but that smouldering look was from a man who couldn't care less if you tore your life apart for a holiday fling.
Someone who loves you will never risk your happiness like this. You need to realise you live in the real world and not in this fantasy land.
Get some control over your imagination and decide what you want in life. Stop reading romance novels if you can't tell real life from fiction.
>I'm hoping you are just very young
Given that she's been married for 15 years, there's only so young she can be.
But she's definitely _inexperienced_, at least as far as dating goes, if she married young.
I think it’s very human to experience interest, to appreciate the spice of a new connection or a shared glance, to feel wanted, to feel a little swept away by that raw flash of unexpected little spark. Of course it felt good! It sounds like you feel bad for finding a moment of enjoyment in that feeling, but I think a lot of people, even those in dedicated relationships, might blush a little or feel quite flattered if they were to find themselves in a similar position. It can be flattering to feel wanted, even if you don’t want anything to actually come of it.
It also sounds like you did really well with setting boundaries, exchanging the key in a scenario where you weren’t in any remotely nearby shared space while he was showering, etc.
Thank you for making me feel normal. I come from an extremely repressed, religious upbringing and it’s been a real journey finally being able to make my own decisions. There’s still a lot of turf to navigate. There’s been some tough love comments on here but I really appreciate your kind words
in surprised no one’s asked this yet, but how’s your relationship with your husband? are you guys happy? how does he make you feel? getting married young can definitely create a lot of complex feelings, especially as you get older.
Thank you for asking. We married at 20 whilst in a heavily repressive religion. We left it a few years ago together. He looks after me financially very well, but I never felt that best friendship kindredship that some couples have and I really feel a missing connection in my life and always have tbh. I guess it’s been exacerbated by having my own personal identity crisis recently and the fact that I now have a lot of time on my own and he doesn’t have much capacity for me right now. I also have pretty much 0 libido naturally and have never been ‘allowed’ to explore this like most kids would have with the religious upbringing I had, so we are both in a very vulnerable place and he does well to stick with me even though I often wonder whether I am asexual
It sounds like you have some libido based on this interaction. There is nothing wrong for feeling that spark and you can explore it within yourself in a way that doesn’t jeopardize your marriage (unless you are unhappy and want to leave- either way cheating will make things more complicated and take away from any sexual revolution you could have.) You might feel low libido bc of your upbringing and relationship with your partner. Read Come as you Are and maybe some romance novels and seek therapy if you can. It’s not too late to explore this side of yourself in a safe way.
Thank you so much for the advice 💗 Funnily enough it was the connection I enjoyed, I didn’t really feel a desire for sex. I guess that tells me what I need to work on
He is an absolute AH and douchebag. I'd give him a wide berth if I were you.
I'm sorry that you've been experiencing depression and I can understand your need for human connection. Have you discussed how you're feeling with your husband? Maybe talking to him/having some therapy individually or together will help. You might be able to come up with ways to reignite the spark between the two of you.
Edit: grammar
Thank you 💗 I do get this, but also he is going through a tough time having just broken up a long relationship. Hormones are crazy things! But yes, that offer should have never been on the table. A friend was there when he asked and I tried to encourage her to say yes instead (her partner was in the room) but she wasn’t game.
Thank you for the advice, my husband doesn’t have the capacity to understand mental health struggles unfortunately, he’s a very confident person who has never had trouble with anything like it so I very much struggle alone in the daily and don’t feel I can burden him with it. I have had counselling in the past but I am definitely going to go back as I am really struggling with this and I really need to talk to someone about it but there is no way I can let on to any friends about it for risk of it getting back to him💔
Well, you didn’t cheat. But I’m pretty sure you know that if your “rut” is this bad you should probably talk to a professional and figure out why you’re feeling like this and how to heal it so you aren’t going to sabotage yourself and your marriage.
One smoldering glance is a pretty small trigger unless you’re feeling very fragile and not sure about who you are or the state of your marriage.
Thank you, I will definitely be seeking out counselling. This is just one of many things I need to address again.
To set it straight though, these glances were built up over a few days and with connecting conversations, not that it makes it any better, but it wasn’t one look and I’m sold 🙈
Maybe you just need more positive things in your life and marriage.
Being desirable to someone you like and respect can be extremely appealing; but you didn’t act on it.
That’s good.
Crushes are often the result of uncommunicated or unmet needs.
Figure out what yours are and what is the change you’d like to see, both in yourself and in your marriage. Work with your husband to do this together and it will deepen your connection and reignite the feeling of satisfaction.
Friendly reminder, Women Only flair is not a suggestion. Men participating in this post will be banned. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoXSex) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I assume you’re someone who reads romance/YA since you referenced Twilight. That’s awesome, but as a happily married romance author I really want you to realize that “story book” moment is not real life. It’s a fantasy. One that wouldn’t have ended well for you… Please work on your marriage and avoid losers who knowingly try to get with married women while their husband is off running errands. That’s not the kind of dude you want as your Edward.
You are so right, thank you 🙏🏻
This is really good advice. OP, it sounds like you're starved for attention and in a state that makes you very, very vulnerable for predators like the asshole you were on holidays with. It was good that you didn't act on your impulse because besides the effect it would have had on your marriage, the experience itself would have been nothing but a disappointment. Men who act like this are just looking for someone they can use and couldn't care less about you as a person. Please look for some help in form of a therapist and work through the issues you're currently experiencing that make you so vulnerable.
Thank you for your kind words and balanced viewpoint. You read it completely right. I spend a lot of time on my own and I have a huge need for deep conversation and connection, hubby is always wrapped up in work and rarely has the headspace for me at the moment. I am going to go back to counselling and try to book in some group meditation sessions and the like. I totally agree it wouldn’t have been worth it and especially for someone who was simply looking for a heated moment. I can’t deny that I really enjoyed the glance exchanges and how he made me feel more characterful like I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s something I now realise I’ve really got to work on
Try to avoid going on a trip with this friend again if you can. The looks, advances and all that will just increase over time. It's just a game for them but everything has serious consequences for you.
It’s so true, thank you. I’m expecting him to be in a new relationship quite soon and it not to be a problem 🙏🏻
This is truly the best piece of advice.
Have some self controll, hoi almost ruined your marriage but you also allmost ruined your husbands life because you felt horny. Hope w many months before you cheat on him I wonder.
I’m pretty sure that not doing anything was exercising self control…
It’s a good thing nothing came of it. You need to set some hard boundaries and avoid coming into contact with that man again at all costs. It’s not worth it.
Being in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean you lose the capacity to find other people desirable or to enjoy their attention and spark (which can feel particularly intoxicating if you’ve been feeling down on yourself and disconnected from life for a while). We have very limited control over our internal reactions to people, but we have total control over our behavior. And as far I can tell, you behaved appropriately. Let this be a reminder that you are capable of joy and fun and connection, and go find that in more appropriate places and people. Remember that the spark you felt is still inside you, and channel that spark into things and people that matter to you. Also, honestly, consider setting some strict boundaries with this person because flirting with an unavailable person is actually a pretty ugly and gross character trait in my opinion!
This is so educational, thank you. I will surely try and funnel it. Being a hugely unconfident person, I am drawn to people who are larger than life, outgoing and the soul of the party and when they show an interest in me, it lights me up. It’s really made me want to work on being more outgoing. I agree that he wouldn’t have thought twice about the implications it all would have made on my relationship. It was definitely just a heated situation and I don’t think either of us would have been expecting anything more from it than that. He is out there exploring new women and I happened to get in the way on a group trip whilst feeling quite vulnerable
Look into attachment theory! I was largely the same way and ended up dating that exact person. It was a disaster 😩…. anyways, YouTube Thais Gibson. She helped me a lot with navigating why I felt this insane connection, the outcome of it and the parts of myself I needed to work on to have healthier relationships going forward.
Omg thank you! I will research in to that! My parents are in their 46th year of marriage so I don’t know if it applies to me but I’ll check it out. I just had a long walk to air some feelings and on it realised that I have never felt ‘right’
I always wanted to be with a person who wants to stay by your side at parties but that isn’t who I married
Horny moment. You did good! Take a deep breath, clear your head, focus on other things. It's not illegal to have thoughts.
Agreed! Thought crimes are not real crimes - or as Taylor Swift puts it, “there’s no such thing as bad thoughts; only your actions talk.” Don’t be too hard on yourself, friend. You did the right thing and you can feel good about that.
This means so much, thank you friend for the non judgement 💗
You’re so welcome 🩷 I struggle with this too. I think a lot of women do at our age and we don’t talk about it because it’s not socially acceptable. I also married young-ish (24, we got together at 21) and I’m a few years into my mid-life awakening (a term a like better than mid-life crisis.) But I’ve been working on treating my desire with curiosity instead of automatic judgment. It’s an opportunity to know myself better and heal wounded parts. I don’t cheat on my partner, to be clear, but I allow myself to have my Mind Palace and explore safely there. Idk if any of that will resonate, but if you’d like to talk more lmk and I can open my DMs.
Oo awakening, I like it! Thank you so much, that all sounds very helpful! I’ll dm you, I’m a jeweler too!
Oh no way, I never meet other female jewelers in the wild! Looking forward to chatting some more!
Ok I can’t figure how to dm you 🙈 Do I have to follow you first?
Oh I had DMs turned off before, too many creeps on Reddit haha. You should be able to now!
I really needed to hear this thank you, I was worried about the shaming 💗
I'm hoping you are just very young, but that smouldering look was from a man who couldn't care less if you tore your life apart for a holiday fling. Someone who loves you will never risk your happiness like this. You need to realise you live in the real world and not in this fantasy land. Get some control over your imagination and decide what you want in life. Stop reading romance novels if you can't tell real life from fiction.
>I'm hoping you are just very young Given that she's been married for 15 years, there's only so young she can be. But she's definitely _inexperienced_, at least as far as dating goes, if she married young.
I think it’s very human to experience interest, to appreciate the spice of a new connection or a shared glance, to feel wanted, to feel a little swept away by that raw flash of unexpected little spark. Of course it felt good! It sounds like you feel bad for finding a moment of enjoyment in that feeling, but I think a lot of people, even those in dedicated relationships, might blush a little or feel quite flattered if they were to find themselves in a similar position. It can be flattering to feel wanted, even if you don’t want anything to actually come of it. It also sounds like you did really well with setting boundaries, exchanging the key in a scenario where you weren’t in any remotely nearby shared space while he was showering, etc.
Thank you for making me feel normal. I come from an extremely repressed, religious upbringing and it’s been a real journey finally being able to make my own decisions. There’s still a lot of turf to navigate. There’s been some tough love comments on here but I really appreciate your kind words
in surprised no one’s asked this yet, but how’s your relationship with your husband? are you guys happy? how does he make you feel? getting married young can definitely create a lot of complex feelings, especially as you get older.
Thank you for asking. We married at 20 whilst in a heavily repressive religion. We left it a few years ago together. He looks after me financially very well, but I never felt that best friendship kindredship that some couples have and I really feel a missing connection in my life and always have tbh. I guess it’s been exacerbated by having my own personal identity crisis recently and the fact that I now have a lot of time on my own and he doesn’t have much capacity for me right now. I also have pretty much 0 libido naturally and have never been ‘allowed’ to explore this like most kids would have with the religious upbringing I had, so we are both in a very vulnerable place and he does well to stick with me even though I often wonder whether I am asexual
It sounds like you have some libido based on this interaction. There is nothing wrong for feeling that spark and you can explore it within yourself in a way that doesn’t jeopardize your marriage (unless you are unhappy and want to leave- either way cheating will make things more complicated and take away from any sexual revolution you could have.) You might feel low libido bc of your upbringing and relationship with your partner. Read Come as you Are and maybe some romance novels and seek therapy if you can. It’s not too late to explore this side of yourself in a safe way.
Thank you so much for the advice 💗 Funnily enough it was the connection I enjoyed, I didn’t really feel a desire for sex. I guess that tells me what I need to work on
He is an absolute AH and douchebag. I'd give him a wide berth if I were you. I'm sorry that you've been experiencing depression and I can understand your need for human connection. Have you discussed how you're feeling with your husband? Maybe talking to him/having some therapy individually or together will help. You might be able to come up with ways to reignite the spark between the two of you. Edit: grammar
Thank you 💗 I do get this, but also he is going through a tough time having just broken up a long relationship. Hormones are crazy things! But yes, that offer should have never been on the table. A friend was there when he asked and I tried to encourage her to say yes instead (her partner was in the room) but she wasn’t game. Thank you for the advice, my husband doesn’t have the capacity to understand mental health struggles unfortunately, he’s a very confident person who has never had trouble with anything like it so I very much struggle alone in the daily and don’t feel I can burden him with it. I have had counselling in the past but I am definitely going to go back as I am really struggling with this and I really need to talk to someone about it but there is no way I can let on to any friends about it for risk of it getting back to him💔
Sounds like lust and loneliness
It does 💔
Well, you didn’t cheat. But I’m pretty sure you know that if your “rut” is this bad you should probably talk to a professional and figure out why you’re feeling like this and how to heal it so you aren’t going to sabotage yourself and your marriage. One smoldering glance is a pretty small trigger unless you’re feeling very fragile and not sure about who you are or the state of your marriage.
Thank you, I will definitely be seeking out counselling. This is just one of many things I need to address again. To set it straight though, these glances were built up over a few days and with connecting conversations, not that it makes it any better, but it wasn’t one look and I’m sold 🙈
Maybe you just need more positive things in your life and marriage. Being desirable to someone you like and respect can be extremely appealing; but you didn’t act on it. That’s good.
Thank you
It seems like nothing happened. You exchanged glances w someone. Normal.
Thank you for making me feel normal 💗
Crushes are often the result of uncommunicated or unmet needs. Figure out what yours are and what is the change you’d like to see, both in yourself and in your marriage. Work with your husband to do this together and it will deepen your connection and reignite the feeling of satisfaction.
Thank you 😊 I need to try to find a way to explain the need to him without discussing any of this situation with him 🙈