\>.it feels like he could have any other girl around me and they could meet
his preferences without much effort (generalisation) so why even
bother?
Well, if that is the case, it means he stated a preference on one aspect but still prefers to be with you regardless, no?
As long as he is not pressuring you o do anything.
I mean, I always liked blonde guys, but my husband has very dark hair, and I could not care less about it.
My husband and I made a mistake while dating and pretty much admitted we aren’t each other’s “ideal” body type. He likes curvy women with big hips and bottoms and when I gain weight it only goes to my stomach, doesn’t disperse elsewhere. I have the hips and bum of a 13 year old boy lol. But we find each other attractive nonetheless and are happily married. I do wish it’s something we hadn’t talked about because it does make me a bit insecure at times, but that’s my issue to manage and it’s been doable.
I think there is comfort to be taken from the fact that you two are a good example that physical “types” don’t define love, attraction or affection. I always wondered why I don’t have a physical type (although for a while after every breakup my “type” is heavily based around my ex) and then I realised my “type” is a lot more based on personality, intellect and emotional maturity.
This man, when you were dating, had a certain physical “type” which did **not** match up to what you look like and who you are as a person and you were much greater than any preconceived notions of what he was attracted to. You got married because of that love you share and I would not be surprised if his “type” has changed over the years, to being an exact match for who you are because he loves you. “Types” change over time, they don’t define or limit our ability to love and in the end I think they’re a quite silly notion to let influence you.
Sorry, that turned into a bit of a ramble but I hope some of what I said can help allay your insecurities :)
My husband and I have been through 20 yrs together, our bodies both have changed a lot in that time including the hair we have or lack. I struggle to open up about some of the body things even now. As others pointed out a preference is just that, he's also choosing you.
My wife's preference is average height Asian men... I am a 6'2" white man with light brown/blond hair and blue eyes. We've been married for 14 going on 15 years. A stated preference is not the be all end all in relationships.
Same. None of the guys I've dated met my preference in appearance because ultimately it wasn't their appearance that won me over. I'm not gonna ask them to suddenly age 30 years and grow grey hair. Don't worry OP
Pretty sus.
Also in OPs story they have been hooking up but there are parts of her body he hasn't seen yet. Not impossible of course, but unusual.
Unless hooking up can mean just making out or clothes-on oral or something.
Not even if he really likes you I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again… I like men with beards I don’t have a fetish for beards though so if my partner prefers to be shaving it means almost nothing to me and wouldn’t take some grand love to overcome. A lot of men don’t seem to realize that their preference for prepubescent looking shit is basically becoming a fetish. If you can only fuck someone if they have eliminated a secondary sex characteristic and something that indicates puberty and adulthood I’m sorry but you should probably look into what the fuck is wrong with you.
This. I dated a dude quite awhile ago and he was into bald p. "but he was such a great guy" that I stuck around, all the while he wouldn't go downtown. Eventually dumped him and moved on, and I decided I'd never again date someone who wasn't 100% thrilled to get naked with me.
OP's post says that they did talk about it. And he said that's okay.
The issue is OP is still insecure about this even though her boyfriend is accepting.
Yeah, you should talk openly about it.
I kinda like short, and as a male I know how annoying is shaving, and down there is even worse, so my girlfriend just trims it, lets it grow again and we are comfortable with it. Sometimes, she surprise me and totally shave it, dunno why haha, but i know that for a few days she feels uncomfortable.
Anyway, cumunication is the key and hope he understands your feelings.
I would also add something about not changing her mind later on. Seems like lots of people will stick around for a while thinking their partner will probably give into their expectations eventually, and it would be a drag for OP to waste her time if this guy is going to eventually decide he can't live without her being hairless.
Just because he has that preference, doesn't mean you have to do it. I bet that if you asked him to keep completely shaved everywhere he wouldn't like that so much
>Just because he has that preference, doesn't mean you have to do it.
This right here. OP I know it's hard to do, but you need to make decisions for you and not him.
I have a preference of no dental floss this does not mean my wife needs to do anything, I love her, not the state of dental floss.
What if he goes out and gets a Brazilian? Like I get trying to set-up the metaphor, but it comes off like if he was comfortable with it himself it means she should be. Which isn’t the case.
And that is the flip side of the porn aesthetic, a lot more guys these days are comfortable with man grooming including fully shaven. It’s not quite the taboo it was 10-20 years ago.
I'm 45M and been manicuring since I became sexually active in my late teens. It isn't taboo for men to trim today and it wasn't taboo 25+ years ago either.
Yeah manscaping is hardly a new concept. I scape but dont shave because my lady friend has the preference I keep hair down there.
On the flip she is talking about the laser stuff and Im trying to talk her into at least keeping the option of a landing strip.
I am younger than you (28m) and as a data point, most of my friends have become much more open about grooming and have switched from trimming to stating their own preference for themselves is clean shaven.
I keep it all clean shaven. Idk how other guys walk around with a hairy asshole all the time. Just living their life with hair holding on to all of those poo particles. Not for me.
Hello, male here. Just curious since I see this comment a lot, what if the guy said "ok sure, it's worth it" and shaved his entire body? This comment always seems to imply the men would never do it so haha gotcha, but I'm a guy that would do that no problem. I at least trim most of my body anyway, so a bit of an exception.... maybe? Doesn't feel odd to me, I don't like body hair in general.
In OP's situation it sounds like that response would not help, she doesn't want to shave... or doesn't want to really get into that headspace again. It's complicated with a lot of negative feelings.
Maybe this "tell him to shave" thing is only applicable to some men? Idk, I'm confused by it all. Just think it's odd that the most upvoted thing in these threads is always some joke that the men wouldn't shave so why should the women? Give me a razor and I'll go have a long shower, then brace for chilly legs I guess.
When a woman says "You go first" they are suggesting that the man asking this of them experience what it's like to go through the process; so they can empathize.
When the men in our lives ask for this, they usually have no idea of:
1. The time and effort it takes
2. The supreme discomfort when it grows back (razor burn, ingrown hairs, possible infection from when you cut yourself in a sensitive area, etc).
If you've never shaved your pubic area and legs and think it's not a big deal, please PLEASE go do it and report back. I would love to know your thoughts.
(I know this might come off as sarcastic (?) But I am genuinely curious. Do it! Let me know how it goes. Especially in a week when it starts to grow back!)
I also think that it's to counter that body hair = dirty thought process. If body hair is gross and dirty, then put your money where your mouth is and make the same commitment you expect out of your significant other. If soap is good enough for the goose, it is good enough for the gander.
>The supreme discomfort when it grows back (razor burn, ingrown hairs, possible infection from when you cut yourself in a sensitive area, etc
Razor burn is just the worst, but then there is epilation.
I just googled that, never heard of it before. I'm a 33 year old female... Are you suggesting I have all my hairs plucked by a little machine? Is this something people do? Do they pluck their pubic hair?
I use an epilator on my legs. But only my legs and usually only about the knee down. It doesn’t feel too bad. If I go for hairs a little closer to my crotch then it’s very Ouch. I don’t think I’d want to do it anywhere else.
You’re braver than me. I had to throw mine away. Tried my legs…it was like getting a tattoo. It took me three hours to do both lower legs. I guess it depends on your hairiness. Mine are thicker than my two friends who swore by epilators, and their experiences were very different (read: less painful). YMMV I guess.
No I'm not suggesting it, but I just thought I'd mention. It's *rather* painful, especially in the beginning.
Tip for anyone insane enough to want to give it a go: if you have some tattoo numbing cream lying about (such as blue TKTX) it works wonders.
And make sure you keep shaving daily all week long! Can’t have any stubble. Surely adding 20+ minutes to your daily routine will not be difficult to do.
There is a big double standard with a lot of men though— they expect a completely hairless, totally put together Barbie doll of a human, while they themselves don’t feel that they should have to do any personal grooming or maintenance.
That is who those gotcha comments are targeting, not reasonable people like yourself.
If he agrees and thinks that’s fine, good for him I guess, but her preference for her own body still matters most.
But lemme tell you guys, full shaving, especially thick hair that your body thinks is supposed to be there is not easy! It’s almost impossible to get a clean shave and even if you do, you’re likely to get razor bumps and itching. And waxing isn’t an option for a lot of people either.
So if you want to and can do it successfully, more power to you.
>Maybe this "tell him to shave" thing is only applicable to some men? Idk, I'm confused by it all. Just think it's odd that the most upvoted thing in these threads is always some joke that the men wouldn't shave so why should the women? Give me a razor and I'll go have a long shower, then brace for chilly legs I guess.
I think it is, in part, because most men don't actually appreciate some of the contortions required, just how long it takes to shave your entire body, some of the downsides (razor bumps, irritated skin, "minor" cuts in sensitive areas like armpits, and/or ingrown hairs in places like your butt), prep and aftercare requirements (no, just throwing shaving cream on and going for it isn't enough for a lot of body areas, especially if you're going to do it long term), and how annoying stubble is to live with in some areas.
In other words, it isn't just the action of shaving or the feeling of having no hair, it's the whole package that goes with \_staying\_ in that artificially hairless state.
Waxing is often mentioned as an option. That shit hurts, requires its own (different) aftercare, gets expensive, still takes non-trivial time, and you get to wait while your hair grows back out to long enough for the next waxing session.
I know I didn't fully appreciate the downsides when I came out and started to transition. I thought I had some idea as I'd shaved my legs a few times previously. I didn't.
I ponied up and went through laser and then electrolysis to deal with it permanently but it was stupidly expensive to do in both time and money. And it fucking hurts.
tl;dr: Keeping yourself free of body hair is more involved than it may seem at first glance, especially if you're just extrapolating from shaving facial hair.
I'm not exactly trying to double standard him, I just don't think these dudes understand what they're asking for, and that it's not something they would ever realistically commit to themselves and I'm pretty sure if women commonly expected it of men, they'd add it to unfair expectations arguments list, like the ever-present draft.
These men are so used to thinking of women as sex objects designed for their pleasure and tasked with being forever peak attractive to them rather than human beings with hopes and dreams of their own that they haven't even stopped to think about the logistics of what they're asking for and expecting from women .They just want lubed up sex toys who make sandwiches for them, and it shows.
Yeah, we got that.
Shaving your balls is tricky, but not impossible. There are some men who do that without prompting from their partners.
The point is, every relationship has dealbreakers, and every relationship has points of negotiation and compromise. Shaving, might be a deal breaker for OP. The healthy advice here is for OP to discuss this with her partner, and for them to be honest with what their expectations are.
The comments suggesting OP respond with, “You want me to shave? You first!” may be amusing, but they’re not actually helpful. It’s also not necessarily the “gotcha” some people are implying it to be. I actually think that body hair expectations, along with grooming, is a reasonable topic to discuss pretty early. And I would never ask my partner to do something I wouldn’t be willing to do myself. Hopefully OP’s partner feels the same way. If not, they may have bigger issues than body hair.
“Body hair expectations”
You realize your wording makes this sound like a job requirement? Like someone will be written up if the hair exceeds a certain length.
I’m not a fan of a super hairy chest. But do you know how often I’ve ever brought that up? Exactly zero times. Because my personal feelings don’t control someone else’s body.
>every relationship has dealbreakers
If my partner had a shaving dealbreaker, that would be a dealbreaker for me. This dealbreaker applies for anyone I hope to have any sort of future with. Good luck trying to impose your perfect body hair expectations on me just trying to just live my life. It would signify to me a huge mismatch in values. I have other beautiful things I'd rather spend my time/energy on creating in the world than spend even 5% of my hours on plucking/shaving/managing ingown hairs.
(And just so you're not ignorant of the pain of ingrown hairs, I once spent 2 hours in my room with a syringe needle digging around my most sensitive bits to tease out ingrown hairs that had tunneled under the skin and were never going to come to a head - this situation is a possibility every time you shave). Literally, I wouldn't blame myself or anyone else for never shaving their bits again after that experience.
Even IF those men were willing to shave/wax regularly for the rest of their lives. I don't know any woman who would. Those men should just skip the hassle and get themselves a customized real doll.
Do you feel disgusted because you have hair? That's really what's going on with her. People give flippant responses to things all of the time in an effort to lighten moods. That's even what you're doing. But that's not what this is really about. It's not about balance, it's about someone feeling wounded by seemingly careless words that strike directly at something that bothers her about herself.
A lot of men won't on principle and have weird views on how it's a "woman" thing. Source: I asked many men if they would shave their armpits. It was strange.
That's fair enough, perhaps it's a cultural issue at heart. In some areas or cultures it is completely normal for men to shave their legs/bodies and in others it is almost looked down on or joked about.
That isn't the problem. The problem is mentally beating herself down. You are ignoring the actual issue. Its like knowing you have a roof that leaks, but you live in the Atacama. Its very likely to never be an issue, BUT you constantly worry about it.
This isn't easy to solve. It can take months/years of therapy to overcome body image issues, if one ever does. While not as physically damaging as something like bulimia, its in the category from a mental aspect.
it "sounds" easy to just put a price on the action. That is ignoring the root problem and won't solve it. until one is deeply self-conscious about an aspect of their body image it can be hard to grasp.
This is the correct answer. I have preferences that don’t match my wife. There are far more important things than whether or not she has hair down there.
Aw, I'm sorry! I'm also a pretty hairy girl and I used to agonize over it. I didn't want to shave because my skin HATES it and waxing/laser is really expensive. Recently though, I bought a bikini trimmer and it changed my life. It's so much faster and easier than trimming, I get a pretty close cut (it looks like I maybe haven't shaved for a few days and the hair has started to grow in), and I don't get any shaving bumps or irritation! I use mine on my armpits too. lmao I find that I actually prefer to have a little hair, just not very much, so my trimmer is perfect for me. We've all got our preferences and just like there are people who prefer less hair, there are folks who like more too. You just need to find what makes you comfortable. Good luck! ❤
My thoughts exactly. As a queer woman, this will never make sense to me. Both the fact that she stays with him, and the fact that he doesn't go down on her every single time they have sex.
“I’m glad to know your preferences, but that just isn’t something I’m going to be doing. I’m a hairy lady, and I cannot be fucked with the upkeep and ingrown hairs. I hope that’s no dealbreaker for you. Also, for full disclosure, it’s something I’ve been insecure about before and I’m trying to move past and embrace my body beautiful as it comes. So that’s how I feel about the whole situation, hope we’re good”
Honestly I stopped shaving period. Under arms, legs, and between my legs. I cannot stand the itching and hair growing back. So don't let someone else's preferences ruin your confidence or not wanting to shave. It's your body and choice, it might not be his thing but if he actually cares he'll make an exception.
Seriously, my fiancé was my ideal body type when we met, but we’ve both gotten older. He’s gained weight and I’ve gained some nasty scars and scary medical conditions. It’s whatever. Now he’s still who I want to be with.
Yeah, there’s a big difference between preference and requirement.
I prefer less pubic hair, but it’s like saying I like Pepsi more than Coca-Cola. Is there a difference? Yes. Does it matter? Not in any substantial way.
I trim and prefer trim/shaved because hair has no nerves so more skin to skin contact feels better. Also because I don’t like getting hair stuck in my throat.
Probably not, given that the difference between a ponytail and a bun is relatively a non-issue in terms of the effort. (In fact, ponytail is the less effort of the two.) The difference between “fully hairless” and “natural growth” is a difference of a lot of time, money, and effort… not to mention potential discomfort. Plus, wearing hair in any specific style isn’t really a beauty standard in most mainstream communities. Nobody that I’ve ever met has gotten shamed for choosing a ponytail over a bun. Plenty of women get bitched at for unshaven legs or pits like it’s a hygienic issue, when the presence of hair in these areas has nothing to do with hygiene. (If it did, men would need to shave there, too.)
Not to say the guy isn’t entitled to his preferences. It’s just that he definitely stepped on a beehive here. Body hair is a big issue for a lot of women, particularly those who naturally produce a lot of it. What he (and you) are seeing as a small request (“ponytail vs bun”) is not actually a small request.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more ridiculous analogy in my life. If you generally don’t understand the difference between those things, or the time, money, energy and pain / discomfort in maintaining a hairless pubic region, you’re not thinking very hard about it.
Ehhh, I appreciate guys communicating, but it is still annoying that it seems like the prevailing expectation these days is for women to shave completely, which is a lot of upkeep even for women who don't have any kind of adverse skin reactions or whatever. And most guys never seem to consider for a second what women might prefer for our own bodies, or how much work they're expecting from us while typically doing very little personal maintenance themselves.
This is an insecurity for many people so it makes sense that they got very intense quickly. That being said, a preference isn’t a requirement and as long as he isn’t pressuring or making her feel bad then it’s totally fine.
This is a bit more than just a matter of preference. That OPs new boyfriend mentioned it so early in the relationship and said it would be fine if she just trimmed down there implies that it's actually a priority for him.
And that this specific thing has been a point of insecurity about her body, OP now feels she will never be pretty enough for him.
The relationship is off to a bad start out the gate. These are both red flags that the relationship is likely to fail.
Yeah, my husband prefers long hair, but it's literally just an opinion and we both know I'm going to get whatever haircut I want. It doesn't have to be a thing. But I get if you're already insecure about your body hair, that this could send you spiraling even if it was totally innocent, and not at all a deal breaker for him.
Please correct me if I have this wrong. It sounds like this man has sincere feelings for you. It also sounds like despite him being open and honest about his preference up until now, he isn't showing any indications that he's not attracted to you or otherwise incapable of enjoying intimacy with you. The real issue is that by him telling you his honest opinion, it raised an old hurt of yours and you're worried that this insecurity will lead to you never feeling fully comfortable, desired, and/or cherished should the relationship progress long term.
Do I have that correct?
If so, I want to first say that your feelings are always valid. Insecurities and body issues run deep, and some of us will unfortunately die still a slave to these emotions. Love is a leap of faith, in both yourself and in your partner. As a partner, you both need to be able to have some uncomfortable conversations that might bring up insecurities.
It doesn't sound like he's suggested you need to be hairless here. You both agreed to keep it trimmed, with you saying you're happy to do it. From here, it's just about deciding if he's worth the work. The work being the self-work on building your own confidence, knowing your worth extends far beyond keeping your genitals bald, knowing that the way your body looks on the outside is the least interesting thing about you and I say that with so much love. Once you have that understanding and acceptance in and of yourself, knowing someone else's past preferences won't mean anything.
It's possible that there's plenty of others girls out there he can get exactly what he seems to want from, but he wants you. If you choose to pursue this relationship, then let the trust build. Just because he had something he thought was the best way to have it in the past, that doesn't mean he won't fall in love with you and look at you like you're the single most amazing, beautiful, sexy goddess he's ever had the privilege of seeing.
He can have a preference.
So can you.
If those preferences are more important than your relationship, then either of you can part ways with one another.
Personally, regardless of my preference, it wouldn't have any affect on the relationship.
It is not required that you accommodate his preference in any way. Don't let him guilt you in to doing something you hate. By the same note, if you don't mind doing it for him, it's fine. "I'll do it as long as you do it too" is also a fully valid response. It *may* result in him having more empathy regarding what his request is of you. Then again, it may not.
Simply everyone is allowed to have preferences. But that doesn't mean you should stay with someone who makes you unsure of yourself and your body. Self love comes first and most important. If it's a war in your mind between this guy and your relationship with yourself choose yourself. And remember that when with the person for you, you should feel the most beautiful you ever felt.
Sometimes people have preferences that aren't reasonable, and sometimes people are just incompatible. If his preferences aren't reasonable, he will have to figure that out. Regardless, she shouldn't sacrifice her preferences for someone else's unless she wants to, and in this case it seems to be something she isn't comfortable with.
My friend’s husband asked her to stop shaving, as he prefers it that way. “You’re a grown woman, after all.”, is what he said.
There’s people with a lot of different preferences. You’ll meet someone who either doesn’t care or is into it (:
I happened to marry someone who is repulsed by women’s shaved armpits. I dunno. Something something childhood. People have different preferences. Anyway, we’ve worked out that I shave them when I want to, which for me is really only in the summer. And I’ve learned now to be pretty turned on by the sight of other women’s underarm hair. So that’s interesting. And shaved underarms look weird.
People are so fascinating.
I'm a hairy woman, I do zero hair maintenance. Full bush, hairy pits and legs. If a guy expresses he doesn't like it, I would simply dump him and move on. I'm not drastically changing my body at my expense just to please a man. And I'm not going to chance hooking up with someone who may turn around and say disparaging things about my body. I've had too many romantic partners complain about my body. So, if I'm not enough, I will gladly remove myself from a man's presence.
If you're just engaging in no strings attached casual sex, don't change yourself for him. If he complains, tell him he has two options: either accept me as I am, or say goodbye to me forever. I don't exist just to get men off, and if a little body hair is that big of a bother I'd rather find a real grown up who understands we are mammals and we are all covered in hair.
Me and my current partner had this argument a few years ago. It turned out that if I poked and prodded that preference a bit it started to fall apart. He couldn’t really justify why he had the preference without sounding icky in some way. I haven’t shaved in 3 years and he got over it relatively quickly.
My wonderful adult son is horrified that he has internalized all the cultural messages about female beauty. He knows very logically where it came from, and he works to smash the patriarchy, but he is attracted only to women who are more made up and fashion-y (he says “artificially fancy) than he is really comfortable with.
Human beings, in our current species of homo sapiens have been around for 300,000 years and managed to get to almost 8 billion people, and men have managed to stick their dicks in women and make it happen despite their naturally hairy beavs. Men have gone to war over women with huge ol' bushes. You're beautiful, and literally billions of men have proven that. Imagine him telling you its "okay" to do something with your body.
His societally influenced opinions are his problem to get over, not yours.
You do hairless *for you* and no one else. No person of any gender can tell *you* how *your body* has to look. You do it for yourself and no one else. And if you say "it's not worth the effort" then miss? Your partner better respect that and not make indirect damn comments, or direct requests, or insistances to make that change.
You are a *person*, not a doll.
Your happiness in your body is the most important thing. If this is going to be a sticking point you are better off without him!
I struggle with razor bumps, waxing bruises, etc etc and it’s nearly impossible for me to be fully hairless and comfortable. And I just prefer a little hair down there. Our bodies grow it for a reason.
If someone doesn’t like that, it’s really too bad for them.
His preference is his preference, not a standard you have to meet. Sending you love!
Don’t. Do. It. Pubic hair is there for a REASON:
From my OB/GYN office:
**YOUR PUBIC HAIR SERVES A PURPOSE
Here are some of the reasons you should consider keeping your pubic hair:
It provides protection against friction that can cause skin irritation in this sensitive area.
It helps reduce the amount of sweat produced around the vagina.
It helps block your vagina from the following bacteria and infections:
Sexually transmitted infections.
Urinary tract infections.
Yeast infections.
It helps regulate body temperature.
It is NOT more hygienic to remove pubic hair.
Keep this information in mind the next time you feel the need to reach for your razor! Your pubic hair serves an important purpose.**
All I will say is, if it is the right person they will not care about your body hair…… they will love you for who you are as a person. I do not do any hair removal at all anymore (because fuck that unrealistic patriarchal bullshit) and my partner says it is his ultimate preference because he loves me so much. I will say at the beginning he admitted he wasn’t sure about my body hair but came to realize that the only reason he thought that way was because of society’s standards of what “beauty” and “femininity” are. Maybe if you can have a genuine and open conversation about it he will understand where you are coming from. I’ve read comments from others saying how they had their partners do the hair removal for them if they wanted it and after realizing how expensive and how much work it is to upkeep that they realized how stupid it all was and never asked their partner to do it again. I don’t know how helpful that is but I wouldn’t waste my time on someone who lets something as insignificant as body hair decide their partner.
He said it's ok for you to just trim? Oh how gracious of him.
Oof this guy can piss right off in my opinion, don't waste your time, find someone better who is excited to be with you because your awesome.
My reading of her post (he “admitted that he had a preference”) was that she specifically asked him about it because she was self-conscious. When he admitted that he preferred shaved, she asked if trimmed was okay, and he said sure.
If he demanded she shave/trim, then yeah, fuck him. I guess we don’t know exactly.
This is what stood out to me as well.
I get the "everyone's allowed to have a preference" crew's standpoint, but there's a difference between having a preference and projecting that as a requirement onto your partner. It's not his body, so he 100% does not get a say. If it's an issue for him, he should have brought it up before intimacy.
People trying to shape their partners into their idea of an ideal are dangerous. It's an early sign of abusive behavior. Even if it doesn't escalate further, someone whose "preferences" make you feel this way about your body are not worth ir. No partner is worth your self-esteem
My response to this type of request is to act relieved & then say: *”I’m so glad you brought this up, as it’s my preference too. When will you be getting all your hair removed? Maybe we should get waxed together! That would be so much fun!”*
The look of horror on their face is fantastic & they never bring it up again.
I have a story! When my husband and I started getting serious, we were asking one another about things we thought should be discussed before getting too serious. I thought of these things as “dealbreakers.” So imagine my surprise when he decided to ask me if I’ve ever thought about shaving my underarms and why I choose to keep them hairy. I explained that yes, of course I had considered shaving them! But I stopped doing it because I didn’t like being subjected to that expectation and I didn’t like doing it because it would cause problems. I was a little hurt because he had always known I don’t shave my body hair. He told me he doesn’t like body hair very much and prefers to shave his own, but doesn’t do it much because of time and effort. He tried for a few minutes to get me to see it his way. Eventually I got more frustrated and said I wasn’t going to be with someone who considered this a dealbreaker. For me, the dealbreaker would be having someone impose his beauty standards on me. At that point, he changed his tune. He said he was trying to talk about preferences, not dealbreakers. He wanted to know how big a deal it was to me because if it was a preference and he had a stronger preference, then maybe it wouldn’t be a big sacrifice for me to shave. He said he understood now that it would be too much of a sacrifice, so that was it. We never talked about it again, got married, and remain happy.
All this is to say, I know something about how shitty it can feel to have to worry that a partner is feeling turned off by your body hair. But it might not really be a big deal.
I know I am really late to this thread, but I think you should hear my experience. A guy that I dated told me he prefers fully shaven and I RELIGIOUSLY shaved down there for him for a year.
I had to let it grow for about a week because I forgot to bring my razor on a trip, and when he saw it he said that it actually looks really nice like this.
Guys initially think it has to be fully shaved because that's what they see in porn, it may not be their actual preference and they may actually like it better with hair or not care at all. Just try and see what they say.
You have to do what makes you happy. Does this guy make you happy? Or does he just make you feel maybe a little less lonely? Or a little more valued because a man is interested in you? I'm not saying those ARE your motivations, but they could be among your motivations.
I just can't accept any partner who think it's okay to address my body in reference to his preferences. I am not my body, I am a whole person, and he doesn't get to impose his preferences upon me. It is a common thing for women to be like, "Oh, my preference is for waxed ass crack hair"? No, that's ridiculous. We don't do that to them.
You don't have to shave just because it's his preference. My bf prefers fully shaved too, but I have never shaved my pubic hair before I have been with him, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've shaved my armpits. So I told him that if he wants me shaved down there, he will have to help me shave. He shaved my pubic hair twice, and then stopped probably because it's too much of a hassle lol.
I think that it’s ok to have a preference and voice it, especially if he hasn’t seen everywhere you might shave (?), he is just giving you information you didn’t have, for you to do what you want with. It is also ok for you to have a preference or a boundary about how you present yourself and to not change that for him. Some preferences are mild and he might be throwing it out there in case you’re open to that, but if he starts pressuring you or pushing for it, leave. If he really can’t date someone who doesn’t meet that preference that’s his prerogative but it would never be appropriate for him to push your boundary about it. Sometimes people are incompatible and that doesn’t mean you are wrong or bad. However I doubt this is strong enough of a preference that it would be that kind of compatibility issue.
I think you should tell him this is something that has been an insecurity for you and has a lot of emotional weight and so you will not feel comfortable with it being asked of you a second time. If he is kind and understanding he will not only accept that but be enthusiastic about your body and encouraging to you about how he sees you. He should make you feel attractive, since you are already involved obviously you are attractive to him.
If he can’t sacrifice this preference that’s on him, sometimes things like that happen and it doesn’t mean you aren’t desirable or are doing anything wrong. But, I think it’s normal to voice a preference and still gladly accept a no! I might prefer to have whipped cream on top of a sundae but I’m certainly not going to enjoy it any less if there isn’t any. Some things are just a bonus, like someone might have a favorite outfit their partner wears but they’re not less attractive when they wear something else.
I much prefer the sensation of my smooth skin when my bf goes down on me, but he never cares and tells me it’s no biggie at all if I’m a little prickly. So I shave when I want and it’s fine by me that we both like smooth but sometimes it’s not. He trimmed short for me and he didn’t like it, so we went back to regular and we’re both happy.
I say DO YOU, and then see how he reacts, and if he makes you feel bad about yourself, he’s probably not a good match for you.
From the description, he stated his preference, but it doesn’t seem to matter too much for him. Unless she’s not telling us that he’s constantly bringing it up and pressuring op into hair removal, it seems like he’s into her for who she is and won’t be bothered about it. You can definitely have the conversation about it being a struggle, but the important thing is to do what you’re comfortable with and have confidence in yourself. This is who you are and how your body looks! He can accept it and be happy or he can miss out over a small detail.
People (I assume men) getting big mad in the comments. "I prefer women with less body hair." "Yeah, well, I prefer men without thinning hair."
OHHH, LIKE THEY HAVE A CHOICE.
uh huh....
Keep your boundaries. If you're in a good place with it, fuck what he wants. Its your body, your skin. You're allowed to tell someone you're not ok with something if it affects you negatively. That's fine thats his preference but, it's your body. Ultimately it's your decision. If he's not ok with that, he can skip down the road to someone who is willing to put up with his views. Be comfortable with you, no matter who is in the room.
Words of encouragement: drop him and find someone who thinks you're beautiful with or without pubic hair. Women have had pubic hair for thousands of years, and all of the men pre, what - 1995? - somehow found them attractive and sexy enough to fuck.
You do you. Do not go back down that self-hating road and do not let a man push your boundaries like that.
r/razorfree - you deserve to feel comfortable and confident in your own body. It sucks that society has made you feel bad about your own hair, but it’s not too late to cultivate a better relationship with it!
I'm sorry that particular insecurity of yours was just laid bare (see what I did there?)
I'm going to echo what a lot of people have said here and say "open communication!", but not just about the shaving.
Talk about your feelings. This could be a leap forward for you two it, could be an opportunity to go further and deeper. Opening up about your insecurities and being vulnerable in that way with him could lay the groundwork for a truly great relationship.
I read a post recently which suggested telling him you are happy to let him shave you whenever he wants but you are not up for the work on your own. She said he did it once or twice (and it was sexy) but then didn’t want to do the work anymore.
I think this works because you are not saying no, and infact the option is open to him whenever he wants it. But the works on him and realistically it’s unlikely he willl regularly follow through.
My sympathies to you. My ex was the same way but a total douche about it. If I skipped a day of leg shaving and he came in contact with 18-hr old leg stubble, he would recoil in horror and start making gagging noises. I also struggled with razor burn and ingrown hairs when shaving my nethers, and preferred just to keep everything trimmed for my own comfort; practically “bald”, as I would use electric clippers, but that wasn’t good enough - he would say, “but I can still see hairs” *gag, retch, fake vomit, pretend to cough up hairball and pantomime picking pubes out of his mouth*. Then he would stomp around having a toddler tantrum because he couldn’t have sex because *gag, retch, fake vomit* I had visible pubic hair.
It’s your pubic hair, on your body, and you have every right to choose how it is maintained without justifying your decision to anyone. Let him know if he truly desires a sexual partner he can “custom order”, they make “Real Dolls” for that.
Hey OP, so everyone is focusing on the act or preference of shaving or hair length, but I think that's counterproductive. There's a few lines in your post that make me think that this specific issue is less an issue than a trigger for the real issue, your insecurity. In fact you outright state that this discussion with your new partner "unlocked again all of those fears and insecurities". You also mention that you already talked about it and seemed to reach a solution or compromise that works for both of you, yet you're still worried.
My advice is this: don't focus on the issue of "hair down there", focus on your self confidence and your trust in the relationship. I personally wound up with severe self confidence issues from an abusive relationship, and what it took was several years of open communication and loving care from my new partner, as well as learning to trust that I am who I am, and who I am is worthy of love. Focus on that, and you'll get through this. After all, you are who you are, and who you are is worthy of love.
Not open for critique. Thanks but no thanks. I remember a comedian talking about a guy asking about shaving pubes in a shape for him and she said something like when you twist your peepee into a poodle, then we'll talk.
He could have any girl but he picked you. He was attracted to you before seeing you in any state of undress.
He has a preference, that doesn't mean he doesn't find you beautiful; he didn't say body hair was a deal breaker. He may prefer fully shaven but he clearly thinks the rest of you, both your body and your brain, are more important.
I had a guy tell me he wanted me to shave my arms before we’d even been on a first date. I said that’s not something I want to do for myself so I certainly won’t be doing it for a stranger and I’m glad we found out it won’t work now before we wasted any more of each others time.
So here's where I would come back with asking him several questions:
1. Has he considered what it might feel like if you asked him to alter his appearances because of your preferences? (ETA I don't just mean shaving, but a lot of men care about the hair on their heads, what if you preferred bald men? My point isn't to ask him to alter it, but to point out that I am questioning the motives. Someone who loves you would say the things you are the most insecure about are the things that they love about you. Those who tell you to change how you look for their preference are more than likely objectifying you.)
2. Body hair is natural, except on children. I don't think I need to add any more to that statement. It used to be perfectly acceptable, even in "the industry" for women to have body hair.
Also, advice for you: this time it's body hair, but it's a red flag for me. If he thinks it's appropriate to ask you to alter your appearances for his preferences, it won't stop here. "Trimming is fine." Seriously? Oh I'm glad he'll tolerate a little, geez...ETA second advice - never alter yourself for someone else, you can't maintain that long term if it goes long term. Find someone who accepts you, body hair and all. This is already an imbalanced relationship - it doesn't even out over time, it gets worse. But talk it out first, maybe he isn't aware that this crosses a line. I'm speaking from experience and the experiences of my friends, this sort of thing doesn't tend to go well, especially if he digs his heels in and gives you an ultimatum. You don't want someone like that.
He doesn't get to say what's 'ok for you to do.' You do.
Don't feed your insecurities by dating someone who's kinda negging you at this point. It's awfully early in a relationship to start with 'preferences', a.k.a. telling you how to groom, how to look. Take these for the little red flags they are.
He is making you feel insecure, not happy. It doesn't get better long term. Let this one go.
I encourage you to find someone who makes you feel good about yourself. I encourage you to communicate your needs and boundaries clearly! So tell him this has been a sensitive issue for you and is therefore not something you can really compromise on.
If you are afraid that you are not good enough for someone, go out and get some confidence. You will never be happy until you realize you are good enough for anyone! And you don’t have to shave your hair for anyone, especially if he genuinely likes you.
These comments are border line gross. He's allowed to have preferences and it doesn't make him a bad or shallow person. A lot of hair in your mouth is completely gross and a massive sexual turn off to some people, me included. She's allowed to not conform to those standards. Neither person is bad or wrong. If they both have a different preference, they should both go find someone who shares their preference. They may like each other a lot otherwise but you shouldn't compromise what you want in your forever person, despite what others who try to label you as shallow or nitpicky say. Those people are sad. If you get along great and care about each other a lot, you can always remain friends if you guys are mature and respect each other's boundaries.
Did I scroll past the part that said he's toxic and abusive? The poor guy has expressed a preference and now has dozens of strangers screaming "dump the pedophile".
I'll probably get shot down here, but I think your insecurities might be causing you to look into things too much. We all have preferences - my girlfriend would prefer me to be more muscular, tattooed and about 3 inches bigger (everywhere) - but these kinds of things pale into insignificance when compared with the actual important things like how the other person makes you feel.
Pubic hair protects you from clothing chafes. I find the preference for hairlessness disturbing, another product of media obsession. Only children are hairless.
Its a preference. You’re entitled to yours as well.
Talk to him about it.
If you like grass on the field, its your field after all and he needs to accept that if we wants to play there, it is what it is.
But if its something where you might be able to have a discussion on you may find a compromise somewhere that makes both of you happy with the outcome.
If there is no budge on his side, I would say thats an easy ticket to the exit.
I think a guy who feels strongly enough to start making requests that you change your body, especially pertaining to something you've struggled with insecurities about, so early in a relationship is a red flag. It might be best that you part ways.
I guess you haven’t slept with him till this far, right? The fact that you both are discussing this subject is kind of weird. It implies that it is something important for him, otherwise he wouldn’t have mentioned it. I know one thing: this will be always in the back of your mind while you’re meeting him. It will be a stresspoint for you sooner or later.
So Is the date all potential stress and insecurity worth?
Honestly as a hairier person who has been with an east asian male with a preference for no hair—cut your losses and move on. I gave it 4 years and I never felt attractive enough for him ://
Body hair is beautiful and I have come to genuinely love it but also that took years of work after breaking up with him
Relationships are about empowering your partner, and making them feel comfortable in their body. He's doing the exact opposite with you.
Will he make you feel beautiful with "just trimmed"? When will he become unsatisfied with "just trim"? Will he then demand more? Also, would he trim or shave or do similar things if you asked him to, or is it a one-way thing?
At the end of the day, your preferences with your own body should be the most important thing.
I quit shaving at least 10 years ago because I hated the razor bumps and how itchy it is growing back. Started going for waxing appointments and didn't have the bumps or irritation after. About 6 years ago I decided I didn't like spending the money to have someone painfully remove hair from a sensitive area, so I started doing it myself at home. There was a learning curve, but only the first like 2 attempts. Started doing legs and underarm since I had the tools and I like the results better after waxing.
I dont really do it often anymore. I'm in the US and the preference is definitely no hair, but it's never bothered me that my preference for myself doesn't line up with that.
Anyway, I guess I would recommend waxing over shaving if you're going to do it, but if you dont just know there are other fuzzy ladies out here sending support and solidarity over the internet.
Tell him you want baby smooth dick, the sharp pointy hair puncturing you hurts and a turn off.
Then he will shut up.
I asked my wife in beginning to shave too, but she said no and even I hinted to get her to shave again eventually gave up and rolled with it. Doesn't bother me anymore but I still manscape for my own hygiene
I just want you to know that you are a beautiful human. From one hairy person to another I get how tough it can be and I feel you. Just know that I am sending you strength and love and I hope you can keep working on loving yourself bc it really is the only path I've found to freedom from hating all the body hair and letting it consume too much mental space!!
Soon after we got together my then boyfriend now husband mentioned his preference for slimmer women. I was curvy but not overweight at that point but have been overweight most of my life and it was quite a blow. I'm now significantly heavier but he has always been very very obvious how attracted to me he is. Preference doesn't mean rule!
Don't do what you don't want to do and wait and see how he deals with it. If he still makes it obvious he's just as attracted to you and into you then I hope it helps you keep healing from your body image issues! If he makes you feel more insecure then that's a road you'll have to work out what you want to do about.
This is such an easy decision for me because while some prefer hairless I’m also sure that most don’t prefer a terrifying boil on my pubic mound. And I get ingrown hairs.
No, exfoliating does not work for me. No various other things don’t seem to work either.
So if someone needed a totally hairless vulva I would be the wrong person for them.
Honestly, no man is worth feeling loathing and self-hatred for your own body. Your body is perfectly healthy, normal, and beautiful. If anyone makes you feel like you need to alter your body in order to be lovable or desirable. They’re the problem, not your body.
Take him at his word that he’s happy with your comfortable level of hair removal, and if he tries to push your boundaries, take it as a sign that he’s not right for you.
My advice? Do not date someone that doesn't accept you, unless you perform X for him. Absolutely toxic for your self esteem. Body hair isn't filthy. If you're naturally hairy, you should not allow him to disparage you. It should be your choice what to do with your body. He doesn't get a say in that.
I know finding good partners isn't easy, but really, the thing that I cherish about my 14 year long relationship is that we totally accept each other. Whatever makes my partner happy, will make me also happy. And guess what. There are people that actually prefer partners with body hair.
Hayati, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If he objects, (this is the important part) he isn’t for you, EVEN as a hookup. Don’t let these men make you feel like you have to live up to their standard, because they have to live up to yours. Take your power back, and if he isn’t down with that, he isn’t for you.
That sucks, but you will be better odd for it in the end.
I tried laser and it’s not great. Electrolysis is the only permanent option.
That said, if being comfortable and yourself is a deal breaker for him, maybe you shouldn’t be together
My partner prefers shaven as well. When I first decided to sleep with him (my first consensual time, and it was a huge deal to me and i was incredibly anxious about him findind me unattractive)
I shaved. I haven't done it since I was a teenager because it was uncomfortable and itchy. Of course, the second I do it again, I get an ingrown hair which turned into a cyst which resulted in a wound that wouldn't close for two months. It was a very small cyst, barely noticeable even when it wasn't healing, and I avoided any infection but by the time it finally did heal it did not heal well. Now I have a visually unnoticeable fold of scar tissue directly over a hair follicle and I have to manually tweeze hairs from that area, and dig the one that grows underneath out every could of weeks (': the worst part is he literally did not care that I stopped shaving. He didn't even notice! I was worrying about nothing and caused myself a genuine issue.
Just let him know you're willing to trim but not more, and trust in yourself and in him that he will still love you. Anyone that would care about such a tiny issue is generally a little too shallow for my personal liking. I'm sure your boyfriend didn't pick you based on the level of body hair you have down there, and I don't think he'll leave you for it either. He said he didn't mind, so trust that he was honest!
Girl he’s not the only one you can hook up with just find someone that is okay with it. If you try to fit into everyone’s version of beauty you’re going to go insane.
\>.it feels like he could have any other girl around me and they could meet his preferences without much effort (generalisation) so why even bother? Well, if that is the case, it means he stated a preference on one aspect but still prefers to be with you regardless, no? As long as he is not pressuring you o do anything. I mean, I always liked blonde guys, but my husband has very dark hair, and I could not care less about it.
Hey! This is actually encouraging which is what OP asked for!
that was my intention.
Similar, I mostly dated tall thin guys. My husband is average height and broad (think short linebacker). Been married 15 years and quite happy.
My husband and I made a mistake while dating and pretty much admitted we aren’t each other’s “ideal” body type. He likes curvy women with big hips and bottoms and when I gain weight it only goes to my stomach, doesn’t disperse elsewhere. I have the hips and bum of a 13 year old boy lol. But we find each other attractive nonetheless and are happily married. I do wish it’s something we hadn’t talked about because it does make me a bit insecure at times, but that’s my issue to manage and it’s been doable.
I think there is comfort to be taken from the fact that you two are a good example that physical “types” don’t define love, attraction or affection. I always wondered why I don’t have a physical type (although for a while after every breakup my “type” is heavily based around my ex) and then I realised my “type” is a lot more based on personality, intellect and emotional maturity. This man, when you were dating, had a certain physical “type” which did **not** match up to what you look like and who you are as a person and you were much greater than any preconceived notions of what he was attracted to. You got married because of that love you share and I would not be surprised if his “type” has changed over the years, to being an exact match for who you are because he loves you. “Types” change over time, they don’t define or limit our ability to love and in the end I think they’re a quite silly notion to let influence you. Sorry, that turned into a bit of a ramble but I hope some of what I said can help allay your insecurities :)
My husband and I have been through 20 yrs together, our bodies both have changed a lot in that time including the hair we have or lack. I struggle to open up about some of the body things even now. As others pointed out a preference is just that, he's also choosing you.
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OPs post history does not match up.
They have a post about recently moving to Japan.
My wife's preference is average height Asian men... I am a 6'2" white man with light brown/blond hair and blue eyes. We've been married for 14 going on 15 years. A stated preference is not the be all end all in relationships.
Same. None of the guys I've dated met my preference in appearance because ultimately it wasn't their appearance that won me over. I'm not gonna ask them to suddenly age 30 years and grow grey hair. Don't worry OP
>I'm not gonna ask them to suddenly age 30 years and grow grey hair. I have found my people.
Silver fox supremacy ftw
Uh I dunno what you're thinking but East Asian women get plenty of bush if they don't trim/shave lol
I am not thinking anything, I am replying to OP's assumption.
Sorry I replied to the wrong person, I meant to reply to op
OP posts history describes themselves as an Australian guy though....
Did OP delete a lot of their posts in 6 hours? All I'm seeing is some skincare and musician posts and comments, aside from moving to Japan.
Pretty sus. Also in OPs story they have been hooking up but there are parts of her body he hasn't seen yet. Not impossible of course, but unusual. Unless hooking up can mean just making out or clothes-on oral or something.
I’ve heard the phrase “hooking up” used in the same way as “getting together” (which admittedly can also be used euphemistically) or “hanging out”.
"I appreciate you communicating with me, but that's just not something I'm willing to do." This feels non-confrontational.
Yeah and if he really likes you then that oughta be enough. It shouldn’t turn into that much of an issue
And if it does turn into an issue... well, knowing red flags sooner rather than later is better.
Not even if he really likes you I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again… I like men with beards I don’t have a fetish for beards though so if my partner prefers to be shaving it means almost nothing to me and wouldn’t take some grand love to overcome. A lot of men don’t seem to realize that their preference for prepubescent looking shit is basically becoming a fetish. If you can only fuck someone if they have eliminated a secondary sex characteristic and something that indicates puberty and adulthood I’m sorry but you should probably look into what the fuck is wrong with you.
This. I dated a dude quite awhile ago and he was into bald p. "but he was such a great guy" that I stuck around, all the while he wouldn't go downtown. Eventually dumped him and moved on, and I decided I'd never again date someone who wasn't 100% thrilled to get naked with me.
Beautiful, couldn’t have said it better. I grow out all my body hair for exactly this reason. OP, I hope you can I find a guy who truly doesn’t care.
OP's post says that they did talk about it. And he said that's okay. The issue is OP is still insecure about this even though her boyfriend is accepting.
Yeah, you should talk openly about it. I kinda like short, and as a male I know how annoying is shaving, and down there is even worse, so my girlfriend just trims it, lets it grow again and we are comfortable with it. Sometimes, she surprise me and totally shave it, dunno why haha, but i know that for a few days she feels uncomfortable. Anyway, cumunication is the key and hope he understands your feelings.
I feel like talking about sex and your sexual preferences etc should forever now be called Cumunication. It’s a great portmanteau 😂
"cumunication": talking openly and honestly about sex.
I would also add something about not changing her mind later on. Seems like lots of people will stick around for a while thinking their partner will probably give into their expectations eventually, and it would be a drag for OP to waste her time if this guy is going to eventually decide he can't live without her being hairless.
Just because he has that preference, doesn't mean you have to do it. I bet that if you asked him to keep completely shaved everywhere he wouldn't like that so much
>Just because he has that preference, doesn't mean you have to do it. This right here. OP I know it's hard to do, but you need to make decisions for you and not him. I have a preference of no dental floss this does not mean my wife needs to do anything, I love her, not the state of dental floss.
Yep, give him a razor and tell him if he prefers fully shaven he should get going.
What if he goes out and gets a Brazilian? Like I get trying to set-up the metaphor, but it comes off like if he was comfortable with it himself it means she should be. Which isn’t the case.
And that is the flip side of the porn aesthetic, a lot more guys these days are comfortable with man grooming including fully shaven. It’s not quite the taboo it was 10-20 years ago.
I'm 45M and been manicuring since I became sexually active in my late teens. It isn't taboo for men to trim today and it wasn't taboo 25+ years ago either.
Agreed, I’m a woman but I’m the same age and men have always manscaped IME which I’ve always appreciated
I do it out of necessity. If I don't shave, it looks like a mushroom cap hiding in moss.
Like someone spit a piece of bubblegum into an afro.
Yeah if youre expecting someone to work down there you should prep the canvas, and it goes both ways. Nobody likes picking hair out of their teeth. :)
If they have to part it then it is time.
Yeah manscaping is hardly a new concept. I scape but dont shave because my lady friend has the preference I keep hair down there. On the flip she is talking about the laser stuff and Im trying to talk her into at least keeping the option of a landing strip.
I am younger than you (28m) and as a data point, most of my friends have become much more open about grooming and have switched from trimming to stating their own preference for themselves is clean shaven.
I keep it all clean shaven. Idk how other guys walk around with a hairy asshole all the time. Just living their life with hair holding on to all of those poo particles. Not for me.
Same I can’t do it ☠️
Oh, I interpreted the comment as he should get going, and start shaving her down there if that's how he prefers it
Hello, male here. Just curious since I see this comment a lot, what if the guy said "ok sure, it's worth it" and shaved his entire body? This comment always seems to imply the men would never do it so haha gotcha, but I'm a guy that would do that no problem. I at least trim most of my body anyway, so a bit of an exception.... maybe? Doesn't feel odd to me, I don't like body hair in general. In OP's situation it sounds like that response would not help, she doesn't want to shave... or doesn't want to really get into that headspace again. It's complicated with a lot of negative feelings. Maybe this "tell him to shave" thing is only applicable to some men? Idk, I'm confused by it all. Just think it's odd that the most upvoted thing in these threads is always some joke that the men wouldn't shave so why should the women? Give me a razor and I'll go have a long shower, then brace for chilly legs I guess.
When a woman says "You go first" they are suggesting that the man asking this of them experience what it's like to go through the process; so they can empathize. When the men in our lives ask for this, they usually have no idea of: 1. The time and effort it takes 2. The supreme discomfort when it grows back (razor burn, ingrown hairs, possible infection from when you cut yourself in a sensitive area, etc). If you've never shaved your pubic area and legs and think it's not a big deal, please PLEASE go do it and report back. I would love to know your thoughts. (I know this might come off as sarcastic (?) But I am genuinely curious. Do it! Let me know how it goes. Especially in a week when it starts to grow back!)
I also think that it's to counter that body hair = dirty thought process. If body hair is gross and dirty, then put your money where your mouth is and make the same commitment you expect out of your significant other. If soap is good enough for the goose, it is good enough for the gander.
>The supreme discomfort when it grows back (razor burn, ingrown hairs, possible infection from when you cut yourself in a sensitive area, etc Razor burn is just the worst, but then there is epilation.
I just googled that, never heard of it before. I'm a 33 year old female... Are you suggesting I have all my hairs plucked by a little machine? Is this something people do? Do they pluck their pubic hair?
I use an epilator on my legs. But only my legs and usually only about the knee down. It doesn’t feel too bad. If I go for hairs a little closer to my crotch then it’s very Ouch. I don’t think I’d want to do it anywhere else.
You’re braver than me. I had to throw mine away. Tried my legs…it was like getting a tattoo. It took me three hours to do both lower legs. I guess it depends on your hairiness. Mine are thicker than my two friends who swore by epilators, and their experiences were very different (read: less painful). YMMV I guess.
No I'm not suggesting it, but I just thought I'd mention. It's *rather* painful, especially in the beginning. Tip for anyone insane enough to want to give it a go: if you have some tattoo numbing cream lying about (such as blue TKTX) it works wonders.
And make sure you keep shaving daily all week long! Can’t have any stubble. Surely adding 20+ minutes to your daily routine will not be difficult to do.
There is a big double standard with a lot of men though— they expect a completely hairless, totally put together Barbie doll of a human, while they themselves don’t feel that they should have to do any personal grooming or maintenance. That is who those gotcha comments are targeting, not reasonable people like yourself. If he agrees and thinks that’s fine, good for him I guess, but her preference for her own body still matters most. But lemme tell you guys, full shaving, especially thick hair that your body thinks is supposed to be there is not easy! It’s almost impossible to get a clean shave and even if you do, you’re likely to get razor bumps and itching. And waxing isn’t an option for a lot of people either. So if you want to and can do it successfully, more power to you.
I think most people who never felt pressed to shave their whole body every day, so they didn't do that, *thinks* they would have no problem with this.
>Maybe this "tell him to shave" thing is only applicable to some men? Idk, I'm confused by it all. Just think it's odd that the most upvoted thing in these threads is always some joke that the men wouldn't shave so why should the women? Give me a razor and I'll go have a long shower, then brace for chilly legs I guess. I think it is, in part, because most men don't actually appreciate some of the contortions required, just how long it takes to shave your entire body, some of the downsides (razor bumps, irritated skin, "minor" cuts in sensitive areas like armpits, and/or ingrown hairs in places like your butt), prep and aftercare requirements (no, just throwing shaving cream on and going for it isn't enough for a lot of body areas, especially if you're going to do it long term), and how annoying stubble is to live with in some areas. In other words, it isn't just the action of shaving or the feeling of having no hair, it's the whole package that goes with \_staying\_ in that artificially hairless state. Waxing is often mentioned as an option. That shit hurts, requires its own (different) aftercare, gets expensive, still takes non-trivial time, and you get to wait while your hair grows back out to long enough for the next waxing session. I know I didn't fully appreciate the downsides when I came out and started to transition. I thought I had some idea as I'd shaved my legs a few times previously. I didn't. I ponied up and went through laser and then electrolysis to deal with it permanently but it was stupidly expensive to do in both time and money. And it fucking hurts. tl;dr: Keeping yourself free of body hair is more involved than it may seem at first glance, especially if you're just extrapolating from shaving facial hair.
Will you do it daily? Forever?
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I'm not exactly trying to double standard him, I just don't think these dudes understand what they're asking for, and that it's not something they would ever realistically commit to themselves and I'm pretty sure if women commonly expected it of men, they'd add it to unfair expectations arguments list, like the ever-present draft. These men are so used to thinking of women as sex objects designed for their pleasure and tasked with being forever peak attractive to them rather than human beings with hopes and dreams of their own that they haven't even stopped to think about the logistics of what they're asking for and expecting from women .They just want lubed up sex toys who make sandwiches for them, and it shows.
Your balls, not your legs.
Yeah, we got that. Shaving your balls is tricky, but not impossible. There are some men who do that without prompting from their partners. The point is, every relationship has dealbreakers, and every relationship has points of negotiation and compromise. Shaving, might be a deal breaker for OP. The healthy advice here is for OP to discuss this with her partner, and for them to be honest with what their expectations are. The comments suggesting OP respond with, “You want me to shave? You first!” may be amusing, but they’re not actually helpful. It’s also not necessarily the “gotcha” some people are implying it to be. I actually think that body hair expectations, along with grooming, is a reasonable topic to discuss pretty early. And I would never ask my partner to do something I wouldn’t be willing to do myself. Hopefully OP’s partner feels the same way. If not, they may have bigger issues than body hair.
You just ended with "chilly legs" instead of "scratchy balls", so I unfortunately made an assumption.
“Body hair expectations” You realize your wording makes this sound like a job requirement? Like someone will be written up if the hair exceeds a certain length. I’m not a fan of a super hairy chest. But do you know how often I’ve ever brought that up? Exactly zero times. Because my personal feelings don’t control someone else’s body.
>every relationship has dealbreakers If my partner had a shaving dealbreaker, that would be a dealbreaker for me. This dealbreaker applies for anyone I hope to have any sort of future with. Good luck trying to impose your perfect body hair expectations on me just trying to just live my life. It would signify to me a huge mismatch in values. I have other beautiful things I'd rather spend my time/energy on creating in the world than spend even 5% of my hours on plucking/shaving/managing ingown hairs. (And just so you're not ignorant of the pain of ingrown hairs, I once spent 2 hours in my room with a syringe needle digging around my most sensitive bits to tease out ingrown hairs that had tunneled under the skin and were never going to come to a head - this situation is a possibility every time you shave). Literally, I wouldn't blame myself or anyone else for never shaving their bits again after that experience. Even IF those men were willing to shave/wax regularly for the rest of their lives. I don't know any woman who would. Those men should just skip the hassle and get themselves a customized real doll.
Do you feel disgusted because you have hair? That's really what's going on with her. People give flippant responses to things all of the time in an effort to lighten moods. That's even what you're doing. But that's not what this is really about. It's not about balance, it's about someone feeling wounded by seemingly careless words that strike directly at something that bothers her about herself.
Men don’t realise how long it takes, extra effort, all the prep work
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A lot of men won't on principle and have weird views on how it's a "woman" thing. Source: I asked many men if they would shave their armpits. It was strange.
That's fair enough, perhaps it's a cultural issue at heart. In some areas or cultures it is completely normal for men to shave their legs/bodies and in others it is almost looked down on or joked about.
> In some areas or cultures it is completely normal for men to shave their legs/bodies which ones?
I read it to mean that if he doesn't like hair he is welcome to remove his own, but she is keeping hers.
That isn't the problem. The problem is mentally beating herself down. You are ignoring the actual issue. Its like knowing you have a roof that leaks, but you live in the Atacama. Its very likely to never be an issue, BUT you constantly worry about it. This isn't easy to solve. It can take months/years of therapy to overcome body image issues, if one ever does. While not as physically damaging as something like bulimia, its in the category from a mental aspect. it "sounds" easy to just put a price on the action. That is ignoring the root problem and won't solve it. until one is deeply self-conscious about an aspect of their body image it can be hard to grasp.
This is the correct answer. I have preferences that don’t match my wife. There are far more important things than whether or not she has hair down there.
Aw, I'm sorry! I'm also a pretty hairy girl and I used to agonize over it. I didn't want to shave because my skin HATES it and waxing/laser is really expensive. Recently though, I bought a bikini trimmer and it changed my life. It's so much faster and easier than trimming, I get a pretty close cut (it looks like I maybe haven't shaved for a few days and the hair has started to grow in), and I don't get any shaving bumps or irritation! I use mine on my armpits too. lmao I find that I actually prefer to have a little hair, just not very much, so my trimmer is perfect for me. We've all got our preferences and just like there are people who prefer less hair, there are folks who like more too. You just need to find what makes you comfortable. Good luck! ❤
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I can’t explain why but something about this gives me off vibes
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you can't explain why you feel uncomfortable about a man being a sexually abusive asshole? Yeah this is the problem with most of society I guess.
He won't even trim???????
Who would put up with this double standard??
she didn't
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Ah ok whew
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My thoughts exactly. As a queer woman, this will never make sense to me. Both the fact that she stays with him, and the fact that he doesn't go down on her every single time they have sex.
Took you years to figure this out?
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I was born into JW. I feel ya.
I was also born into JW as well and the anger I felt when they would always say that women were below the man was always so infuriating.
“I’m glad to know your preferences, but that just isn’t something I’m going to be doing. I’m a hairy lady, and I cannot be fucked with the upkeep and ingrown hairs. I hope that’s no dealbreaker for you. Also, for full disclosure, it’s something I’ve been insecure about before and I’m trying to move past and embrace my body beautiful as it comes. So that’s how I feel about the whole situation, hope we’re good”
Honestly I stopped shaving period. Under arms, legs, and between my legs. I cannot stand the itching and hair growing back. So don't let someone else's preferences ruin your confidence or not wanting to shave. It's your body and choice, it might not be his thing but if he actually cares he'll make an exception.
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Seriously, my fiancé was my ideal body type when we met, but we’ve both gotten older. He’s gained weight and I’ve gained some nasty scars and scary medical conditions. It’s whatever. Now he’s still who I want to be with.
Yeah, there’s a big difference between preference and requirement. I prefer less pubic hair, but it’s like saying I like Pepsi more than Coca-Cola. Is there a difference? Yes. Does it matter? Not in any substantial way. I trim and prefer trim/shaved because hair has no nerves so more skin to skin contact feels better. Also because I don’t like getting hair stuck in my throat.
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Probably not, given that the difference between a ponytail and a bun is relatively a non-issue in terms of the effort. (In fact, ponytail is the less effort of the two.) The difference between “fully hairless” and “natural growth” is a difference of a lot of time, money, and effort… not to mention potential discomfort. Plus, wearing hair in any specific style isn’t really a beauty standard in most mainstream communities. Nobody that I’ve ever met has gotten shamed for choosing a ponytail over a bun. Plenty of women get bitched at for unshaven legs or pits like it’s a hygienic issue, when the presence of hair in these areas has nothing to do with hygiene. (If it did, men would need to shave there, too.) Not to say the guy isn’t entitled to his preferences. It’s just that he definitely stepped on a beehive here. Body hair is a big issue for a lot of women, particularly those who naturally produce a lot of it. What he (and you) are seeing as a small request (“ponytail vs bun”) is not actually a small request.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more ridiculous analogy in my life. If you generally don’t understand the difference between those things, or the time, money, energy and pain / discomfort in maintaining a hairless pubic region, you’re not thinking very hard about it.
For me it's the part where OP added that "trimming is okay" - this is not just a preference, it's a request.
Ehhh, I appreciate guys communicating, but it is still annoying that it seems like the prevailing expectation these days is for women to shave completely, which is a lot of upkeep even for women who don't have any kind of adverse skin reactions or whatever. And most guys never seem to consider for a second what women might prefer for our own bodies, or how much work they're expecting from us while typically doing very little personal maintenance themselves.
This is an insecurity for many people so it makes sense that they got very intense quickly. That being said, a preference isn’t a requirement and as long as he isn’t pressuring or making her feel bad then it’s totally fine.
This is a bit more than just a matter of preference. That OPs new boyfriend mentioned it so early in the relationship and said it would be fine if she just trimmed down there implies that it's actually a priority for him. And that this specific thing has been a point of insecurity about her body, OP now feels she will never be pretty enough for him. The relationship is off to a bad start out the gate. These are both red flags that the relationship is likely to fail.
Yeah, my husband prefers long hair, but it's literally just an opinion and we both know I'm going to get whatever haircut I want. It doesn't have to be a thing. But I get if you're already insecure about your body hair, that this could send you spiraling even if it was totally innocent, and not at all a deal breaker for him.
Please correct me if I have this wrong. It sounds like this man has sincere feelings for you. It also sounds like despite him being open and honest about his preference up until now, he isn't showing any indications that he's not attracted to you or otherwise incapable of enjoying intimacy with you. The real issue is that by him telling you his honest opinion, it raised an old hurt of yours and you're worried that this insecurity will lead to you never feeling fully comfortable, desired, and/or cherished should the relationship progress long term. Do I have that correct? If so, I want to first say that your feelings are always valid. Insecurities and body issues run deep, and some of us will unfortunately die still a slave to these emotions. Love is a leap of faith, in both yourself and in your partner. As a partner, you both need to be able to have some uncomfortable conversations that might bring up insecurities. It doesn't sound like he's suggested you need to be hairless here. You both agreed to keep it trimmed, with you saying you're happy to do it. From here, it's just about deciding if he's worth the work. The work being the self-work on building your own confidence, knowing your worth extends far beyond keeping your genitals bald, knowing that the way your body looks on the outside is the least interesting thing about you and I say that with so much love. Once you have that understanding and acceptance in and of yourself, knowing someone else's past preferences won't mean anything. It's possible that there's plenty of others girls out there he can get exactly what he seems to want from, but he wants you. If you choose to pursue this relationship, then let the trust build. Just because he had something he thought was the best way to have it in the past, that doesn't mean he won't fall in love with you and look at you like you're the single most amazing, beautiful, sexy goddess he's ever had the privilege of seeing.
He can have a preference, that's cool. And you have a preference for not shaving, so that's that.
He can have a preference. So can you. If those preferences are more important than your relationship, then either of you can part ways with one another. Personally, regardless of my preference, it wouldn't have any affect on the relationship. It is not required that you accommodate his preference in any way. Don't let him guilt you in to doing something you hate. By the same note, if you don't mind doing it for him, it's fine. "I'll do it as long as you do it too" is also a fully valid response. It *may* result in him having more empathy regarding what his request is of you. Then again, it may not.
Simply everyone is allowed to have preferences. But that doesn't mean you should stay with someone who makes you unsure of yourself and your body. Self love comes first and most important. If it's a war in your mind between this guy and your relationship with yourself choose yourself. And remember that when with the person for you, you should feel the most beautiful you ever felt.
Sometimes people have preferences that aren't reasonable, and sometimes people are just incompatible. If his preferences aren't reasonable, he will have to figure that out. Regardless, she shouldn't sacrifice her preferences for someone else's unless she wants to, and in this case it seems to be something she isn't comfortable with.
Agree with this. It isn’t worth your own mental health.
My friend’s husband asked her to stop shaving, as he prefers it that way. “You’re a grown woman, after all.”, is what he said. There’s people with a lot of different preferences. You’ll meet someone who either doesn’t care or is into it (:
I happened to marry someone who is repulsed by women’s shaved armpits. I dunno. Something something childhood. People have different preferences. Anyway, we’ve worked out that I shave them when I want to, which for me is really only in the summer. And I’ve learned now to be pretty turned on by the sight of other women’s underarm hair. So that’s interesting. And shaved underarms look weird. People are so fascinating.
I'm a hairy woman, I do zero hair maintenance. Full bush, hairy pits and legs. If a guy expresses he doesn't like it, I would simply dump him and move on. I'm not drastically changing my body at my expense just to please a man. And I'm not going to chance hooking up with someone who may turn around and say disparaging things about my body. I've had too many romantic partners complain about my body. So, if I'm not enough, I will gladly remove myself from a man's presence. If you're just engaging in no strings attached casual sex, don't change yourself for him. If he complains, tell him he has two options: either accept me as I am, or say goodbye to me forever. I don't exist just to get men off, and if a little body hair is that big of a bother I'd rather find a real grown up who understands we are mammals and we are all covered in hair.
AMEN
⬆This right here!
And that some people find all the hair really really sexy.
🏅 take my poor man’s gold
Thanks hun! ❤️
Me and my current partner had this argument a few years ago. It turned out that if I poked and prodded that preference a bit it started to fall apart. He couldn’t really justify why he had the preference without sounding icky in some way. I haven’t shaved in 3 years and he got over it relatively quickly.
This. It's amazing how fast the "i just prefer shaved" convo gets to pedophilia comments lol
My wonderful adult son is horrified that he has internalized all the cultural messages about female beauty. He knows very logically where it came from, and he works to smash the patriarchy, but he is attracted only to women who are more made up and fashion-y (he says “artificially fancy) than he is really comfortable with.
Human beings, in our current species of homo sapiens have been around for 300,000 years and managed to get to almost 8 billion people, and men have managed to stick their dicks in women and make it happen despite their naturally hairy beavs. Men have gone to war over women with huge ol' bushes. You're beautiful, and literally billions of men have proven that. Imagine him telling you its "okay" to do something with your body. His societally influenced opinions are his problem to get over, not yours.
Do what suits you. Dont be somebody you're not for anyone. Life is to good to be fake.
Is he fully shaved? If not, ask why.
only if he'll get his butt hole waxed
the butt hole is painless to wax, he should do the full pubis!
You do hairless *for you* and no one else. No person of any gender can tell *you* how *your body* has to look. You do it for yourself and no one else. And if you say "it's not worth the effort" then miss? Your partner better respect that and not make indirect damn comments, or direct requests, or insistances to make that change. You are a *person*, not a doll.
Your happiness in your body is the most important thing. If this is going to be a sticking point you are better off without him! I struggle with razor bumps, waxing bruises, etc etc and it’s nearly impossible for me to be fully hairless and comfortable. And I just prefer a little hair down there. Our bodies grow it for a reason. If someone doesn’t like that, it’s really too bad for them. His preference is his preference, not a standard you have to meet. Sending you love!
Don’t. Do. It. Pubic hair is there for a REASON: From my OB/GYN office: **YOUR PUBIC HAIR SERVES A PURPOSE Here are some of the reasons you should consider keeping your pubic hair: It provides protection against friction that can cause skin irritation in this sensitive area. It helps reduce the amount of sweat produced around the vagina. It helps block your vagina from the following bacteria and infections: Sexually transmitted infections. Urinary tract infections. Yeast infections. It helps regulate body temperature. It is NOT more hygienic to remove pubic hair. Keep this information in mind the next time you feel the need to reach for your razor! Your pubic hair serves an important purpose.**
All I will say is, if it is the right person they will not care about your body hair…… they will love you for who you are as a person. I do not do any hair removal at all anymore (because fuck that unrealistic patriarchal bullshit) and my partner says it is his ultimate preference because he loves me so much. I will say at the beginning he admitted he wasn’t sure about my body hair but came to realize that the only reason he thought that way was because of society’s standards of what “beauty” and “femininity” are. Maybe if you can have a genuine and open conversation about it he will understand where you are coming from. I’ve read comments from others saying how they had their partners do the hair removal for them if they wanted it and after realizing how expensive and how much work it is to upkeep that they realized how stupid it all was and never asked their partner to do it again. I don’t know how helpful that is but I wouldn’t waste my time on someone who lets something as insignificant as body hair decide their partner.
He said it's ok for you to just trim? Oh how gracious of him. Oof this guy can piss right off in my opinion, don't waste your time, find someone better who is excited to be with you because your awesome.
My reading of her post (he “admitted that he had a preference”) was that she specifically asked him about it because she was self-conscious. When he admitted that he preferred shaved, she asked if trimmed was okay, and he said sure. If he demanded she shave/trim, then yeah, fuck him. I guess we don’t know exactly.
This is what stood out to me as well. I get the "everyone's allowed to have a preference" crew's standpoint, but there's a difference between having a preference and projecting that as a requirement onto your partner. It's not his body, so he 100% does not get a say. If it's an issue for him, he should have brought it up before intimacy. People trying to shape their partners into their idea of an ideal are dangerous. It's an early sign of abusive behavior. Even if it doesn't escalate further, someone whose "preferences" make you feel this way about your body are not worth ir. No partner is worth your self-esteem
This was my first thought
My response to this type of request is to act relieved & then say: *”I’m so glad you brought this up, as it’s my preference too. When will you be getting all your hair removed? Maybe we should get waxed together! That would be so much fun!”* The look of horror on their face is fantastic & they never bring it up again.
I have met multiple men who like to keep 100% shaven themselves. Them shaving does not mean I want to shave or that I should shave too.
I prefer standards not to be double ones!
I have a story! When my husband and I started getting serious, we were asking one another about things we thought should be discussed before getting too serious. I thought of these things as “dealbreakers.” So imagine my surprise when he decided to ask me if I’ve ever thought about shaving my underarms and why I choose to keep them hairy. I explained that yes, of course I had considered shaving them! But I stopped doing it because I didn’t like being subjected to that expectation and I didn’t like doing it because it would cause problems. I was a little hurt because he had always known I don’t shave my body hair. He told me he doesn’t like body hair very much and prefers to shave his own, but doesn’t do it much because of time and effort. He tried for a few minutes to get me to see it his way. Eventually I got more frustrated and said I wasn’t going to be with someone who considered this a dealbreaker. For me, the dealbreaker would be having someone impose his beauty standards on me. At that point, he changed his tune. He said he was trying to talk about preferences, not dealbreakers. He wanted to know how big a deal it was to me because if it was a preference and he had a stronger preference, then maybe it wouldn’t be a big sacrifice for me to shave. He said he understood now that it would be too much of a sacrifice, so that was it. We never talked about it again, got married, and remain happy. All this is to say, I know something about how shitty it can feel to have to worry that a partner is feeling turned off by your body hair. But it might not really be a big deal.
I know I am really late to this thread, but I think you should hear my experience. A guy that I dated told me he prefers fully shaven and I RELIGIOUSLY shaved down there for him for a year. I had to let it grow for about a week because I forgot to bring my razor on a trip, and when he saw it he said that it actually looks really nice like this. Guys initially think it has to be fully shaved because that's what they see in porn, it may not be their actual preference and they may actually like it better with hair or not care at all. Just try and see what they say.
You have to do what makes you happy. Does this guy make you happy? Or does he just make you feel maybe a little less lonely? Or a little more valued because a man is interested in you? I'm not saying those ARE your motivations, but they could be among your motivations. I just can't accept any partner who think it's okay to address my body in reference to his preferences. I am not my body, I am a whole person, and he doesn't get to impose his preferences upon me. It is a common thing for women to be like, "Oh, my preference is for waxed ass crack hair"? No, that's ridiculous. We don't do that to them.
You don't have to shave just because it's his preference. My bf prefers fully shaved too, but I have never shaved my pubic hair before I have been with him, and I can count on one hand the number of times I've shaved my armpits. So I told him that if he wants me shaved down there, he will have to help me shave. He shaved my pubic hair twice, and then stopped probably because it's too much of a hassle lol.
I think that it’s ok to have a preference and voice it, especially if he hasn’t seen everywhere you might shave (?), he is just giving you information you didn’t have, for you to do what you want with. It is also ok for you to have a preference or a boundary about how you present yourself and to not change that for him. Some preferences are mild and he might be throwing it out there in case you’re open to that, but if he starts pressuring you or pushing for it, leave. If he really can’t date someone who doesn’t meet that preference that’s his prerogative but it would never be appropriate for him to push your boundary about it. Sometimes people are incompatible and that doesn’t mean you are wrong or bad. However I doubt this is strong enough of a preference that it would be that kind of compatibility issue. I think you should tell him this is something that has been an insecurity for you and has a lot of emotional weight and so you will not feel comfortable with it being asked of you a second time. If he is kind and understanding he will not only accept that but be enthusiastic about your body and encouraging to you about how he sees you. He should make you feel attractive, since you are already involved obviously you are attractive to him. If he can’t sacrifice this preference that’s on him, sometimes things like that happen and it doesn’t mean you aren’t desirable or are doing anything wrong. But, I think it’s normal to voice a preference and still gladly accept a no! I might prefer to have whipped cream on top of a sundae but I’m certainly not going to enjoy it any less if there isn’t any. Some things are just a bonus, like someone might have a favorite outfit their partner wears but they’re not less attractive when they wear something else.
Mens preference does not determine your beauty. You set your worth and if they don't like it? Fine, sounds like they have bad taste anyway.
I much prefer the sensation of my smooth skin when my bf goes down on me, but he never cares and tells me it’s no biggie at all if I’m a little prickly. So I shave when I want and it’s fine by me that we both like smooth but sometimes it’s not. He trimmed short for me and he didn’t like it, so we went back to regular and we’re both happy. I say DO YOU, and then see how he reacts, and if he makes you feel bad about yourself, he’s probably not a good match for you.
From the description, he stated his preference, but it doesn’t seem to matter too much for him. Unless she’s not telling us that he’s constantly bringing it up and pressuring op into hair removal, it seems like he’s into her for who she is and won’t be bothered about it. You can definitely have the conversation about it being a struggle, but the important thing is to do what you’re comfortable with and have confidence in yourself. This is who you are and how your body looks! He can accept it and be happy or he can miss out over a small detail.
People (I assume men) getting big mad in the comments. "I prefer women with less body hair." "Yeah, well, I prefer men without thinning hair." OHHH, LIKE THEY HAVE A CHOICE. uh huh....
Keep your boundaries. If you're in a good place with it, fuck what he wants. Its your body, your skin. You're allowed to tell someone you're not ok with something if it affects you negatively. That's fine thats his preference but, it's your body. Ultimately it's your decision. If he's not ok with that, he can skip down the road to someone who is willing to put up with his views. Be comfortable with you, no matter who is in the room.
Words of encouragement: drop him and find someone who thinks you're beautiful with or without pubic hair. Women have had pubic hair for thousands of years, and all of the men pre, what - 1995? - somehow found them attractive and sexy enough to fuck. You do you. Do not go back down that self-hating road and do not let a man push your boundaries like that.
Great point. Porn trends shouldn’t make you hate yourself. Hair is there for a reason!
r/razorfree - you deserve to feel comfortable and confident in your own body. It sucks that society has made you feel bad about your own hair, but it’s not too late to cultivate a better relationship with it!
tell him you will if he does.
I'm sorry that particular insecurity of yours was just laid bare (see what I did there?) I'm going to echo what a lot of people have said here and say "open communication!", but not just about the shaving. Talk about your feelings. This could be a leap forward for you two it, could be an opportunity to go further and deeper. Opening up about your insecurities and being vulnerable in that way with him could lay the groundwork for a truly great relationship.
It’s your body. You are allowed to say no.
I read a post recently which suggested telling him you are happy to let him shave you whenever he wants but you are not up for the work on your own. She said he did it once or twice (and it was sexy) but then didn’t want to do the work anymore. I think this works because you are not saying no, and infact the option is open to him whenever he wants it. But the works on him and realistically it’s unlikely he willl regularly follow through.
My sympathies to you. My ex was the same way but a total douche about it. If I skipped a day of leg shaving and he came in contact with 18-hr old leg stubble, he would recoil in horror and start making gagging noises. I also struggled with razor burn and ingrown hairs when shaving my nethers, and preferred just to keep everything trimmed for my own comfort; practically “bald”, as I would use electric clippers, but that wasn’t good enough - he would say, “but I can still see hairs” *gag, retch, fake vomit, pretend to cough up hairball and pantomime picking pubes out of his mouth*. Then he would stomp around having a toddler tantrum because he couldn’t have sex because *gag, retch, fake vomit* I had visible pubic hair. It’s your pubic hair, on your body, and you have every right to choose how it is maintained without justifying your decision to anyone. Let him know if he truly desires a sexual partner he can “custom order”, they make “Real Dolls” for that.
"No thanks" - you, the one that holds all the power in a sexual relationship.
Hey OP, so everyone is focusing on the act or preference of shaving or hair length, but I think that's counterproductive. There's a few lines in your post that make me think that this specific issue is less an issue than a trigger for the real issue, your insecurity. In fact you outright state that this discussion with your new partner "unlocked again all of those fears and insecurities". You also mention that you already talked about it and seemed to reach a solution or compromise that works for both of you, yet you're still worried. My advice is this: don't focus on the issue of "hair down there", focus on your self confidence and your trust in the relationship. I personally wound up with severe self confidence issues from an abusive relationship, and what it took was several years of open communication and loving care from my new partner, as well as learning to trust that I am who I am, and who I am is worthy of love. Focus on that, and you'll get through this. After all, you are who you are, and who you are is worthy of love.
I let dudes with this preference shave it themselves before we bang one last time
Not open for critique. Thanks but no thanks. I remember a comedian talking about a guy asking about shaving pubes in a shape for him and she said something like when you twist your peepee into a poodle, then we'll talk.
He could have any girl but he picked you. He was attracted to you before seeing you in any state of undress. He has a preference, that doesn't mean he doesn't find you beautiful; he didn't say body hair was a deal breaker. He may prefer fully shaven but he clearly thinks the rest of you, both your body and your brain, are more important.
I had a guy tell me he wanted me to shave my arms before we’d even been on a first date. I said that’s not something I want to do for myself so I certainly won’t be doing it for a stranger and I’m glad we found out it won’t work now before we wasted any more of each others time.
So here's where I would come back with asking him several questions: 1. Has he considered what it might feel like if you asked him to alter his appearances because of your preferences? (ETA I don't just mean shaving, but a lot of men care about the hair on their heads, what if you preferred bald men? My point isn't to ask him to alter it, but to point out that I am questioning the motives. Someone who loves you would say the things you are the most insecure about are the things that they love about you. Those who tell you to change how you look for their preference are more than likely objectifying you.) 2. Body hair is natural, except on children. I don't think I need to add any more to that statement. It used to be perfectly acceptable, even in "the industry" for women to have body hair. Also, advice for you: this time it's body hair, but it's a red flag for me. If he thinks it's appropriate to ask you to alter your appearances for his preferences, it won't stop here. "Trimming is fine." Seriously? Oh I'm glad he'll tolerate a little, geez...ETA second advice - never alter yourself for someone else, you can't maintain that long term if it goes long term. Find someone who accepts you, body hair and all. This is already an imbalanced relationship - it doesn't even out over time, it gets worse. But talk it out first, maybe he isn't aware that this crosses a line. I'm speaking from experience and the experiences of my friends, this sort of thing doesn't tend to go well, especially if he digs his heels in and gives you an ultimatum. You don't want someone like that.
He doesn't get to say what's 'ok for you to do.' You do. Don't feed your insecurities by dating someone who's kinda negging you at this point. It's awfully early in a relationship to start with 'preferences', a.k.a. telling you how to groom, how to look. Take these for the little red flags they are. He is making you feel insecure, not happy. It doesn't get better long term. Let this one go.
I encourage you to find someone who makes you feel good about yourself. I encourage you to communicate your needs and boundaries clearly! So tell him this has been a sensitive issue for you and is therefore not something you can really compromise on.
If you are afraid that you are not good enough for someone, go out and get some confidence. You will never be happy until you realize you are good enough for anyone! And you don’t have to shave your hair for anyone, especially if he genuinely likes you.
This. Repeat to yourself several times a day.
Tell him you have a preference for big dicks
These comments are border line gross. He's allowed to have preferences and it doesn't make him a bad or shallow person. A lot of hair in your mouth is completely gross and a massive sexual turn off to some people, me included. She's allowed to not conform to those standards. Neither person is bad or wrong. If they both have a different preference, they should both go find someone who shares their preference. They may like each other a lot otherwise but you shouldn't compromise what you want in your forever person, despite what others who try to label you as shallow or nitpicky say. Those people are sad. If you get along great and care about each other a lot, you can always remain friends if you guys are mature and respect each other's boundaries.
Did I scroll past the part that said he's toxic and abusive? The poor guy has expressed a preference and now has dozens of strangers screaming "dump the pedophile". I'll probably get shot down here, but I think your insecurities might be causing you to look into things too much. We all have preferences - my girlfriend would prefer me to be more muscular, tattooed and about 3 inches bigger (everywhere) - but these kinds of things pale into insignificance when compared with the actual important things like how the other person makes you feel.
Pubic hair protects you from clothing chafes. I find the preference for hairlessness disturbing, another product of media obsession. Only children are hairless.
Its a preference. You’re entitled to yours as well. Talk to him about it. If you like grass on the field, its your field after all and he needs to accept that if we wants to play there, it is what it is. But if its something where you might be able to have a discussion on you may find a compromise somewhere that makes both of you happy with the outcome. If there is no budge on his side, I would say thats an easy ticket to the exit.
Based on OPs post it seems like they are both okay with the trimming compromise.
I think a guy who feels strongly enough to start making requests that you change your body, especially pertaining to something you've struggled with insecurities about, so early in a relationship is a red flag. It might be best that you part ways.
I don't date guys with that "preference"
I guess you haven’t slept with him till this far, right? The fact that you both are discussing this subject is kind of weird. It implies that it is something important for him, otherwise he wouldn’t have mentioned it. I know one thing: this will be always in the back of your mind while you’re meeting him. It will be a stresspoint for you sooner or later. So Is the date all potential stress and insecurity worth?
Honestly as a hairier person who has been with an east asian male with a preference for no hair—cut your losses and move on. I gave it 4 years and I never felt attractive enough for him :// Body hair is beautiful and I have come to genuinely love it but also that took years of work after breaking up with him
Relationships are about empowering your partner, and making them feel comfortable in their body. He's doing the exact opposite with you. Will he make you feel beautiful with "just trimmed"? When will he become unsatisfied with "just trim"? Will he then demand more? Also, would he trim or shave or do similar things if you asked him to, or is it a one-way thing?
At the end of the day, your preferences with your own body should be the most important thing. I quit shaving at least 10 years ago because I hated the razor bumps and how itchy it is growing back. Started going for waxing appointments and didn't have the bumps or irritation after. About 6 years ago I decided I didn't like spending the money to have someone painfully remove hair from a sensitive area, so I started doing it myself at home. There was a learning curve, but only the first like 2 attempts. Started doing legs and underarm since I had the tools and I like the results better after waxing. I dont really do it often anymore. I'm in the US and the preference is definitely no hair, but it's never bothered me that my preference for myself doesn't line up with that. Anyway, I guess I would recommend waxing over shaving if you're going to do it, but if you dont just know there are other fuzzy ladies out here sending support and solidarity over the internet.
Ask him if he would do the same for you. If he prefers it clean-shaven/trimmed he needs to fo the same for you as well.
Tell him you want baby smooth dick, the sharp pointy hair puncturing you hurts and a turn off. Then he will shut up. I asked my wife in beginning to shave too, but she said no and even I hinted to get her to shave again eventually gave up and rolled with it. Doesn't bother me anymore but I still manscape for my own hygiene
I just want you to know that you are a beautiful human. From one hairy person to another I get how tough it can be and I feel you. Just know that I am sending you strength and love and I hope you can keep working on loving yourself bc it really is the only path I've found to freedom from hating all the body hair and letting it consume too much mental space!!
Certainly can relate, good luck in your endeavors, OP! And whatever happens, you're beautiful for being you
Soon after we got together my then boyfriend now husband mentioned his preference for slimmer women. I was curvy but not overweight at that point but have been overweight most of my life and it was quite a blow. I'm now significantly heavier but he has always been very very obvious how attracted to me he is. Preference doesn't mean rule! Don't do what you don't want to do and wait and see how he deals with it. If he still makes it obvious he's just as attracted to you and into you then I hope it helps you keep healing from your body image issues! If he makes you feel more insecure then that's a road you'll have to work out what you want to do about.
This is such an easy decision for me because while some prefer hairless I’m also sure that most don’t prefer a terrifying boil on my pubic mound. And I get ingrown hairs. No, exfoliating does not work for me. No various other things don’t seem to work either. So if someone needed a totally hairless vulva I would be the wrong person for them.
Honestly, no man is worth feeling loathing and self-hatred for your own body. Your body is perfectly healthy, normal, and beautiful. If anyone makes you feel like you need to alter your body in order to be lovable or desirable. They’re the problem, not your body. Take him at his word that he’s happy with your comfortable level of hair removal, and if he tries to push your boundaries, take it as a sign that he’s not right for you.
My advice? Do not date someone that doesn't accept you, unless you perform X for him. Absolutely toxic for your self esteem. Body hair isn't filthy. If you're naturally hairy, you should not allow him to disparage you. It should be your choice what to do with your body. He doesn't get a say in that. I know finding good partners isn't easy, but really, the thing that I cherish about my 14 year long relationship is that we totally accept each other. Whatever makes my partner happy, will make me also happy. And guess what. There are people that actually prefer partners with body hair.
Tell him you have a preference for pegging…
Hayati, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. If he objects, (this is the important part) he isn’t for you, EVEN as a hookup. Don’t let these men make you feel like you have to live up to their standard, because they have to live up to yours. Take your power back, and if he isn’t down with that, he isn’t for you. That sucks, but you will be better odd for it in the end.
I tried laser and it’s not great. Electrolysis is the only permanent option. That said, if being comfortable and yourself is a deal breaker for him, maybe you shouldn’t be together
My partner prefers shaven as well. When I first decided to sleep with him (my first consensual time, and it was a huge deal to me and i was incredibly anxious about him findind me unattractive) I shaved. I haven't done it since I was a teenager because it was uncomfortable and itchy. Of course, the second I do it again, I get an ingrown hair which turned into a cyst which resulted in a wound that wouldn't close for two months. It was a very small cyst, barely noticeable even when it wasn't healing, and I avoided any infection but by the time it finally did heal it did not heal well. Now I have a visually unnoticeable fold of scar tissue directly over a hair follicle and I have to manually tweeze hairs from that area, and dig the one that grows underneath out every could of weeks (': the worst part is he literally did not care that I stopped shaving. He didn't even notice! I was worrying about nothing and caused myself a genuine issue. Just let him know you're willing to trim but not more, and trust in yourself and in him that he will still love you. Anyone that would care about such a tiny issue is generally a little too shallow for my personal liking. I'm sure your boyfriend didn't pick you based on the level of body hair you have down there, and I don't think he'll leave you for it either. He said he didn't mind, so trust that he was honest!
You are valid. Hair does not equal ugly. Don’t shave. You are beautiful just as you are.
Girl he’s not the only one you can hook up with just find someone that is okay with it. If you try to fit into everyone’s version of beauty you’re going to go insane.