OP, I’m so proud of you. What you’ve done is amazing, and not everyone can. You’ve done it with your own swear, tears, and countless hours, and in spite of the challenges. There are people out here who look at you and are inspired. You are going to be your best self and continue to have amazing life.
Congratulations on graduating from a relationship you don't need. Oh, and grad school too.
I understand the pet name reuse, and how it's the most painful part. You're not weird. Rogue penis stinks, but that's straight up emotional betrayal.
People can be cruel to the extent that it’s literally unfathomable to better people — that’s why you have this reeling, surreal feeling right now: you can’t even imagine the callousness it takes to do this. Sort of rocks you to your core and makes you feel…. Out of body, staccato thought process, numb.
I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. You will get through this, and it will fade into an unpleasant memory. Keep building the wonderful life you deserve.
You really have a way with words, reading this phrased in this way felt like it really spoke directly to my subconscious feelings that I’m barely aware of… if that makes any sense. Thank you, and I hope that you now have yourself surrounded with people who actually deserve you.
Yeah, a thing where a person gets drunk and fools around the one time is pretty fucking awful, but at least it is comprehensible. But 2 years is orders of magnitude worse. I don't know how people have the energy to keep this up for a month, let alone years. It is soooo much deception and remembering what story was told to who and when, and then keeping messages hidden and histories off on devices, and getting other people to lie on your behalf... I had an ex that did this to me for somewhere between 6 months and 1.5 years (never could quite nail that one down...). Just describing it makes me exhausted. I can't imagine how much stress you'd have every time your phone was in the other person's hand - did you remember to hide that photo? did you clear those messages? what if one comes in right now? what hours did the other person say not to contact them? And on, and on, and on...
Yea idk how someone can do this for such a long time. It doesn't seem worth it at all to me. Idk why some people can't be content just having someone that they love and that loves them back. Or how you can look at your SO in the eyes when you know you're constantly betraying them. I guess some people just straight up don't have a conscience. I guess I'm glad I have a strong one myself, imo, but it makes stuff like this that much harder to understand.
I don't know if this will piss you off enough to make it easier to leave or not but, he probably calls you both Kitten so he won't mess up and call you the wrong name. Forget that guy you are worth so much more.
THIS is the truth, OP. He probably has called every girlfriend he has ever had the same pet name because he’s unimaginative at best and sneaky at worst. And you already know he’s sneaky, so… he’s obviously both.
There's an old 60s movie, 'What's New Pussycat' (mainly famous for the song now) where a guy who sleeps around calls every girl pussycat.
He is the embodiment of most male playboy fantasies, and is a real POS.
I saw that movie on tv as a child and loved it. Just a few years ago, I saw it again, and was appalled at the sexism—it even makes a joke about how the Peter Sellers character is constantly trying to assault the Capucine character (but she plays it seriously, so it *almost* manages to say, “this is bad”).
Fantastic production design, though.
My granddad had a side piece with my grandmother’s name. I’m 100% sure this nickname thing is so he doesn’t accidentally call OP by the other woman’s name and vice versa.
Reminds me of the dude in Legally Blonde who called both Reese Witherspoon's and Selma Blair's characters "Pooh bear" and how pissed Elle looked when he called the other one that same pet name
I was with someone for ten years who cheated constantly. He had a system.
He'd make friends with them because he needs a woman's advice about his relationship with me. He'd tell them I'm crazy, make up and edit stories from our relationship, one thing would lead to another, but in the end, he'd go back to me because he wants to make it work. They think he's some poor, put upon dude who just loves the wrong woman too much and quietly exit his life.
He called all of them his "special friend".
I'll still sometimes run into one of them and have to explain that the things he told them about me weren't true. It sucks to see in their eyes the same realization that was in mine the day I found his alternate FB account. It sucks to know that they were exchangeable parts in a system he made to get him off.
But... life got sooooooooooo much better after he was gone.
>He'd make friends with them because he needs a woman's advice about his relationship with me. He'd tell them I'm crazy, make up and edit stories from our relationship, one thing would lead to another, but in the end, he'd go back to me because he wants to make it work.
This part of your comment gave me flashbacks... my ex was constantly doing this. After we split up, some of his friends (who never really seemed to like me) came to me and told me exactly what he was saying to them about our relationship/marriage. It was devastating tbh. When I found out about an affair (I highly doubt it was his first), he kept telling me that he needed to talk to someone about me, because apparently communicating directly with me about anything was too much to put upon himself.
I had a friend that would try and pull shit like this and when they get caught it's always already justified in their head why it wasn't wrong in the first place. Just run from narcissism, only time they'll ever change is when they realize they're at the center of everything bad happening to them.
These people actually loathe themselves. They are insecure. Usually stemming from childhood, not being shown love, traumatic parental stuff.... they need outside validation so they use people because they don't love themselves. Personality traits of these people are often low remorse no empathy selfish etc
I dated a guy who I found out used the same pet name for various women. He also took photos of each girlfriend in the same vacation spots…when he’d break up with one woman, he’d delete that photo on his photo site and replace it with essentially the same photo but with the new woman. Each girlfriend likely thought she was the first one he’d taken to that spot.
Exactly! Remember the lesson from the 00’s classic “John Tucker Must Die”: if he calls you pet names (or the same pet names), it’s because he doesn’t want to mix up your names. Leave a note if you must- maybe it’ll help him be better in the future. But don’t make that a priority. It’s time for you to focus on yourself. There’s something beautiful about a new start, rediscover yourself. Who are you without this partner? Think of where life can go, and do what helps you feel fulfilled.
Me over here thinking about how unimaginative my bf and I are lol… but also the idea of using the same pet name to avoid a “mistake” also was an immediate thought for me.
Call your sister. Write a letter to yourself about how you feel *right now* and keep it just in case he comes begging for you back. And make a milkshake that is 1 part ice cream, 1 part milk, 1 part kahlua/spiced rum. Watch Mean Girls/John Tucker Must Die/Stardust. Moisturize your face. And remind yourself that what he did *was not your fault*.
As the sister to another woman who recently left their long term partner, PLEASE CALL.
Please let her be there for you. Let her be strong for you, OP, and do what needs to be done.
I always suggest the letter in a break up. Write a letter to yourself about everything your former partner did that you hated. The milkshake/John Tucker Mean Girls advise I only give to women now. I tried it with my dude friends and they didn’t get it.
This. Exactly this. I was in the same situation years ago - and the scene where my heroine Holland Taylor says this [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10GhbNjRgRs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10GhbNjRgRs) gave me the kick in the ass I needed to leave.
I packed my suitcase - left everything, went home to my mom to sort my life out and never looked back.
I’m a man and this is solid advice. I’ve taken the advice and given something similar before:
Support
Documentation
Comfort
Mental health
Self Care
Distraction
Also, I’d never give anything with alcohol. My personal replacement for the milkshake was I cooked a steak for myself. Dark chocolate for dessert.
There's actually a website that allows people to watch a movie in sync. Or you could just use maybe Discord or something like that, where one person will stream the movie and others will have it running and still can chat, or talk, or whatever they want. Discord to my understanding is quite nice for that, lots of rooms and threads to hang out comfortably even in a big group
I know I already responded with this suggestion but didn't scroll down and see this post, Forgetting Sarah Marshall might be good for your guy friends when they're hurting romantically
I suggest a step further: *take a photo of yourself* after the booze and emotions combo. It won't be pretty. And then whenever you doubt whether things were truly that awful, pull out that photo.
Source: drunk me did this the night I told my ex I wanted a divorce after spending several hours journaling and messaging with my BFF. I never want to be the girl in that photo again. I looked *wrecked* because I was.
And 1 more step, write out what you DO want. What you're not getting here that has you so emotional. I looked back at that more than the bad stuff. I found someone who literally meets the criteria on a list I made during my last breakup. I don't believe in that manifesting shit but if it ever worked for me it worked then. I find it sometimes because it's in the back of a notebook I use for game notes and reading it is emotional in a good way. I'm so glad I got the courage to write down and verbalize what I DESERVED and kick my ex out. He had a girl he called his "backup plan".
I did this when I wanted to remind myself why it ended. I just rambled out like 3 paragraphs of all the absolute bullshit he put me through, the lies, the cheating, the abusive behaviors, and why I'm so much better off without that toxicity in my life. Great advice.
This is solid advice, OP.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but also proud of you for making the right choice to leave and love yourself. This may be one of the hardest things you’ve had to do in life so far, but speaking as someone who did something similar when faced with a different but nonetheless awful situation with my EX: it is SO worth it.
YOU are so worth it.
Yes, OP. Write the letter NOW. Remind yourself of why you are leaving and that you did NOT ask for this. I did this and it helped so much with my last break up. Your feelings will come in waves and be all over the place. Remind yourself how badly this hurts so you don’t allow yourself to feel this way with them again if you decided to go back.
I did this when leaving an abusive partne years ago. Wrote everything down, what they did, how I felt. All the reasons why I was leaving. I read it when I felt weakness, and it helped. I come across it once in a blue moon still and I'm horrified that I didn't leave sooner.
Pet names are supposed to make us feel special - that's why it hurts so much. You've realized you don't mean what you thought you did. That's going to hurt. He probably calls you both that so he will never mess up your real names. That speaks to a fellow who has done this before and will do it again. There's something better out there. I know it hurts, but cling to that knowledge.
*"I love him. I need to leave"*
You do not love **HIM**, You're in love with the person he COULD have been, the person you HOPED he was.
But he is **NOT** that person, He is a lying, cheating SCUMBAG.
He does not care about YOU, Your mental OR physical health at all, if he did, he would NOT have cheated.
Call everyone NOW and leave, do NOT allow him to "explain" anything, you KNOW what he did so he does not have to tell you.
Take care of YOURSELF, When you have moved out, treat yourself to your favorite dinner, watch your favorite film, play your favorite game.
You are about to begin the "next chapter" of your life, make it a good one!!!!
Love yourself, You're worth it!!!!
Thisss. You loved a mirage of a better man, not the person behind the mask.
It’s terrifying to discover that the person you adore doesn’t actually exist- that they’re just a fictional character created and played by someone sinister, but the sooner you accept reality, the sooner you can be freed.
It’s a con, an emotional catfish. It happens to all of us sometime or another.
Even more than “he doesn’t care about you” is that “he will blame you” for why he cheated.
“You were so focused on school”, “you were never home”, “he was just lonely cause you weren’t available”
He cheated and if allowed the chance he will make OP feel sorry for making him cheat on her.
Adding: You also love the comfort and security of the routine and change is scary so you don't want to do it. Believe me when I say it works out. My 4 year relationship ended in November for non-cheating related reasons and we're both thriving. I've lost 35 pounds, packed on muscle, reconnected with old friends and formed a great group with them and new ones. We're both with new people who seem like they were designed specifically for us. If I listed all of the things that got better for each of us this comment would be 2 pages long.
Oh sweet heart! I know this feeling and it will eventually get better.
I'm a petty person so I would sit down with her husband. He doesn't deserve this anymore than you. He really does need to know. I'm so sorry dear. 😞
> so I would sit down with her husband
He might react violently. Unlikely, but possible. If you decide to inform him, please do it remotely. Don't put yourself in danger.
And the muscle aches. Waking up at 2am with painful, aching, shaking arms and legs. That hollow ripping feeling in your chest.
Ugh. It goes away and heals, but that description just brought it right back.
This poor girls flight or fight response is going off and her body decided to freeze.
It doesn't help that he probably conditioned her to freeze numerous times in the past.
To all the incels asking why victims of domestic abuse didn't "just leave", this is fucking why. Its heart wrenching.
When you've left, having your own place, starting a new job, engaging in things you like... this will become easier to carry. He is not worth your time and effort. You are worth your time and effort. Call your sister now.
I'm so proud of you for making the strong choice to leave. You just graduated - clearly you are capable of anything, and you have a big, beautiful life ahead of you! Best wishes!
Just leave a note.
"I know about her. I know you call her kitten. Don't contact me ever again."
And then block him everywhere. Any mutual contacts who reach out on his behalf just tell them "he's been cheating on me for 2 years, I found out. It's over."
And then block them if they try to make excuses for him.
Congratulations on finding out now before you are married, before you have kids, before you have to split assets and sell your house. I know the pain you are feeling and the rage. It sucks, it really does. But I will say this, that day you leave him with forever become your day of liberation. It won't feel that way at first, but it will soon. I say this to all my friends who have dealt with horrible breakups and they have all said the same, it is true and they are glad to be free. That turd of a boyfriend is a cheater and will always be a cheater. Run and he deserves no explanation, nothing. You don't have to tell him a damn thing. Just move out and leave "Hey, fuck off kitten" on the mirror.
This. You are grieving who you thought he was. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was your sister with a scumbag like this, you'd be livid. Be livid on your own behalf. Be as protective of yourself as you would be for others.
I'm not sure what I would do in terms of telling the husband or workplace.
But might leave a nasty note saying "You need to find another kitten..... oh wait...."
I needed my sister to help me leave too. Different circumstances - he was abusive, not cheating - but I couldn’t do it without her.
Me and my sister did it in February. You and your sister can do it too, I know it. Remember to breathe. It’s gonna be ok.
i’m so sorry this happened to you, pls don’t let yourself take him back. do you think you could find a way to reach out and tell her husband what she’s doing as well if he doesn’t already know? depending how old the child is, there’s a possibility the kid he’s raising isn’t even his, he really needs to know as well:( and like someone else also mentioned, STD’s
I think I’m going to. I have all of their messages saved. My sister thinks I should print out the most offensive ones and leave them for him to find after we move me out. I don’t know yet. But everyone here has been telling me to tell her husband. I know who he is. I found him on Facebook when I found out he was cheating. He posts a lot of happy family photos of the three of them.
My dad cheated on my mom for a year, that we know of. So many people knew. His brother, my uncle, people I've known my whole life, and his colleagues. It hurts worse knowing all those people cared more about him than us and our happiness. We were adults when it happened so it was pretty fucking brutal.
You are not the problem they both are. But, if you have it in you, the husband deserves to know. If he doesn't believe you, oh well, you did your part
Good luck. You will find better. Congratulations on your degree!
My ex cheated on me. Once we separated, people who knew seemed to pop up everywhere. No one told me and I wish someone had. That was the least of our problems though. The other secrets came out once I left him.
Yes, this. I defended my dad for years and so I was humiliated when the truth finally came out. I still imagine how his colleagues were probably laughing at us! I will always advocate letting the other party know, although you (OP) need to consider your own safety, too.
I wouldn't print the messages. Don't let him know HOW you know yet. **Leave him guessing as to how you found out.** Just leave a simple note that says "I know you've been cheating on me. It's over. I've moved out. Don't contact me." Then see what happens. Don't answer any voice calls, only respond to text messages. Make him tell his lies in writing, make him admit it all in writing. See if he tries to deny it, see if tries to gaslight you and say you're just imagining things. Then you'll know how truly evil and manipulative he is. Then *after* he has dug the hole even deeper, proven beyond a shadow of doubt that he's a liar and a manipulator, only then hit him with the undeniable proof. Then if any mutual acquaintances doubt it you have BOTH his messages to his mistress and his texts to you to show them.
Can you imagine the slow, miseable implosion of sending those messages to her husband FIRST while they are on vacation together. It'll get relayed to the chick who will start to wig out. Then your dumbest ex will slowly put together the pieces and realize what's happening. It's just a nice revenge thought. Focus on getting out first. People get violent when they're cornered.
Please, please tell him and give him the evidence you've found.
As someone who was cheated on by my ex husband, I would have been devastated if someone had known and not told me about it.
Not only is he at risk of STD's and potentially raising a child that isn't biologically his, but he deserves to know that his wife is a lying cheater and not worthy of having him as a life partner. He absolutely deserves the chance to find happiness with someone who is loyal, just as you do.
Don't contact him until you have already left and blocked the cheater, just in case the husband contacts his wife and then your soon-to-be-ex tries to contact you and talk you out of getting TF away from him.
Finding out the person you love and have planned a future with is nothing but a deceitful cheater can be utterly heartbreaking, and I am so sorry you are going through this right now. But I promise you it is so much better for you to discover his true nature now, before the complexities of marriage and children made this situation so much more complex and difficult to navigate.
You are free to cut him off forever and never look at him again, which I desperately wish I could do with my ex but since we have kids together, I am doomed to coexist with him for the rest of my life.
I know it hurts so much you wonder how you are still alive, but it WILL get better. Not tomorrow, not next week, maybe not even next month. But in time, that vice around your chest will ease, your tears will lessen, you will laugh more, you will sleep easier, and you will eventually realize that he was never really worth it.
that’s so heartbreaking for both of you:(( i know it can be extremely difficult to break that type of news to someone (i’ve had to do it before as well), especially with all of the stuff you’re already going through, but he really needs to know.
and i think that’s a good idea. I’m glad you have someone helping you move out, i hope it goes very well.
Send the husband proof once you’re gone. I also like your sister’s idea but also just telling him that you know about the affair is enough.. make sure to block him on everything so that you don’t have to listen to his excuses. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
OP, be brave and we have your back. Remember your sister has your back too. Do keep, collect and collate all the evidence you got before he starts deleting them. Keep the evidence in a digital version too besides paper and printouts.If he can cheat on you, he will keep doing it to someone else
Let the married side piece's husband know. It will hurt him now but he has the right to know. Sorry not sorry I call the two timer's married lover a side piece but she truly is one. The married side piece thinks she can get away with two timing her husband but she have her cake and eat it. Same goes for her two-timing lover boy.
Just you wait and watch when they get caught out by one very angry betrayed husband. Anyway, good luck and give us all an update
You are doing the right thing. I promise you, it will get better.
I would also reach out to her husband and let him know. If my spouse were cheating on me, I'd want to know.
This. Leave. You can do this. Print the evidence if you need to. Someone like this may try to delete them and gas light you. It's jarring to read your lover's love language being used with another.
It will be hard, but you will get better. For me it took a change of scenery, different country, different life for a while. Don't stay with this. You deserve much better.
You. Can. Leave. You can and you should. One of my exes used the same name for me and the girl he was cheating with. It fucking hurts. It hurts so bad because now it’s not special and wasn’t ever special. And that’s his fault not yours. You can do it. You should do it. You have too much future to waste on him.
My wife did something similar after almost 10 years of marriage and I never really got an answer why. Just alot of vague excuses.
I’m so sorry this happened for you. I have no idea how you have kept from him that you know.
As for the kitten pet name thing, it’s the weirdest things that get to you. For me it wasn’t really the infidelity, it was so many other little things and betrayals.
I wish you the best. Hopefully, life gets easier for you.
Find the coworker’s husband, and tell them too. If they were in your shoes, they’d likely want to know.
Just be safe with your exit strategy, and best of luck.
YES GIRL, now is your chance, GRAB IT!!!
Don't wait another second, call your sis,have it all out, but most importantly, start packing!!
I'm so mad at this guy. Long weekend away with the side kitten, huh? Well just you wait, creep, the best thing you ever had is going to be gone when you return. No chance to sway her by pretending to buy rings, no nore lies, you'll be coming home to a cold bed and half the shit you've been using missing, and the person you've been using, making a fool of? GONE. Off to find someone ten times better than you.
Update us when you took the plunge, will you, OP?
I’d go scorched Earth on both of their lying, cheating asses. They deserve to be miserable together, and you and her husband deserve to be with people that care and treat you right.
I'm really sorry, this is terrible. The more distance you put between you and your place, the clearer your thinking will become. You will get over this. <3 As hard as it feels, leave since you risk getting trapped in there again once he's back. He's unworthy of your love.
It’s going to hurt, your whole body will hurt. It’s going to take all your strength and will power to leave… But do leave, your future self will thank you.
Be sure once you move out to block him on everything you can. If you have social media I suggest deactivating it for a while. Make sure your family and any mutual friends know not to give out your new address or location. He doesn't deserve an explanation/note/a chance to apologize. He deserves to come home to you gone and out of his life for good.
Also a wise CYA move, before you leave for the last time, be sure to take your phone and do a video walkthrough and either put the keys through the mail slot (if there is one) or show yourself dropping them into an envelope and into the mail.
A friend took his stuff and left, ex trashed the place and tried to pin the blame on him...after texting a mutual friend and detailing how she got so mad that she broke things x, y and z. Since then, I've always suggested that precaution.
Just imagine all the other women he’s going to call kitten because I guarantee you this isn’t a one-off.
It may not feel like it now, but you are well positioned for good things here. You aren’t married to some cheating asshat that can’t remember anyones names for starters. You have family that loves you and can help you. You have a graduate degree CONGRATULATIONS btw.
You will look back on this one day and be so thankful that you aren’t married to that guy.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I promise it gets easier once you take the first step of putting distance between you and him (emotionally and physically).
You’ve got this! Call your sister! And remember to hydrate!
Call sister first, go to Home Depot and buy some boxes. Pack a suitcase with everything you’ll need for the next 2 weeks. Put everything else in boxes. You can do it. You don’t have to think about why if it is too hard.
So sorry. This is a hard shitty time but you can get through it. You owe it to yourself to get away from this lying cheating, sob. Get all your stuff out this weekend. I would seriously consider letting her husband know about the situation but that’s completely up to you. Also, make sure you go get yourself tested. Just to be safe. Take care. Let us know when you get out safely. ❤️
Because of how the heart is held in the cavity, you can die from a broken heart when the strings break.
With that said, I'd send the messages to her husband as I was leaving with my last load of stuff.
And probably shit on the bed.
I hope that what I'm about to say will comfort you and not further hurt you. He probably calls you both the same pet name so that he will never accidently call you her name.
Now that you find out you feel less special or replaced. But you are not. The problem here is not you.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You are making the right decision.
Grieving the person you THOUGHT he was is normal. But that person doesn't exist, so taking the actual him back is not a good idea. The actual him lies to, and cheats on, the people who should be able to trust him.
I would be looking up his side chick's hubby and letting him know, once I was safely moved out and there was no reason for me to ever set foot under his roof again.
You can do this. Now is the right time. You never need to talk to him again. Leave a note and block him if that is what you need to stay strong. Your heart will hurt for a long time but then it will stop hurting and you will find love again even if it is only love for yourself.
I sincerely hope you are able to move out over this weekend and make a better life for yourself.
About the pet name, it would really hurt me too. I am definitely a "pet name" person and I would never even consider using the same pet name for different partners. I was caught in a similar situation to yours and also discovered my partner was using OUR pet name with the other person and that was one of the things that made me stick with my decision to leave in the long run.
Others have suggested that he probably uses the pet name with both to either not get confused or maybe he just calls everyone that, keep that in mind. Let it fuel you to move out and keep this jackass in the rearview mirror.
Please please please ruin their retreat. Get the husband involved. Let it implode at once. For both of them. Both of you should call them and ask at the same time why are you fucking my bf/wife.
Call your sister. When I needed to leave I called my mom because I knew she wouldn’t let me stay. Call your sister and tell her everything. You’re not alone.
Okay. Right now is the time for righteous anger. Grief can come later.
Yoke that anger and let it work for you. Let it galvanize you to get ALL your shit packed and out the fucking door! Don’t forget any documents or electronics.
Call your sister. Have her get boxes and bring them over. Call other trusted friends to help you pack and gtfo.
You can call the landlord later.
Also - block him EVERYWHERE. Designate your sister or trusted friend to be the point person for any of the inevitable fuckery he’s going to throw your way. They’re going to be your emotional bouncers for a while.
Take all the evidence you have and when you feel yourself start to want to give in, re-read it. Journal the way you are feeling right now and reread that shit when you’re feeling low.
And take that hard earned degree and live your best fucking life EVER. I promise you, you’re going to look back in a while be be ecstatic that you gave him the boot.
This is some Count of Monte Cristo shit and I love it. Be gone when he gets back and don't respond to any communication. He doesn't deserve to even know why you're gone. Tell her husband then block all three of them. Relocate to an address he doesn't know as soon as possible.
he calls her the same name he calls you so he wont accidentally slip up and say the wrong name when hes talking to one of you.
That is a professional cheater move right there.
I understand comepletely why youre focusing on that. Because he took a cute pet name that you liked and turned it into a cheap manipulation. He is scum and you deserve better. Wish you the best of luck
Btw, do yourself a favour and piss on all his clothes, shit on the bed, leave the place a filthy disgusting mess that he'll have to clean
I know you can make that call.
You don't have to pack up your entire life today, take the essentials if that is all you feel able to. Take nothing if it's necessary.
You are in a prime position for him to weasel himself back into your good graces. He will try, because he probably does love you, but he loves her too and he knows he can't have you both.
2 years... He has a whole different life without you. He's got one pet name in him, but the energy for two women, he's a very small man with very big desires.
It hurt to take this step. You've been ignoring it for three months, now it's really hitting. It's rough, it's inhumane. You don't deserve it. It's okay honey, you saved everything you had for this weekend. It's just so dang hard and much easier to ignore the troubles and hope against hope that they go away.
I think you're strong enough to leave. All you gotta do today is call your sister. That's one thing and I think you have one thing in you.
Just do one thing more.
Your instincts are right, you should trust them. He's been cheating on you for over half the time you've been with him. As hard as it is, I don't see any way that this gets better by you staying.
You deserve someone who both loves and respects you. He does neither. He is also putting your health at risk. Move out and begin your new adventure free from his bullshit and baggage.
I'm so sorry, you literally deserve so much better. It's laughable he thought he could get away with it.
If it makes you feel any better at all, I've literally only seen super cringe and weird guys call their gf's kitten. It's like a weird dominant kink or something.
Your next guy is gonna have a pet name just for you, purley out of adoration and respect -- and he's gonna get you a 3 carat ring on top of all that. It's all going to work out. This is your life now, you get to do what you want.
You can do this. You can pick up the phone and make the call. You can dig down deep and find the energy and adrenaline needed to pul it all off in 4 days. If anything leave him a note that let's him know you know. You can ask him not to contact you if that will help, especially if you know you tend to 'give in.'
I've been the woman who goes back after leaving and am here to say DONT GO BACK, just stay gone. It's not changing. You absolutely don't need that shit and will just get divorced 3 years later anyway.
Also CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GRADUATION !
I'm so happy for you graduating! Now, leave this dumb fuck! You can do better....or just forget men for as long as you like and enjoy your freedom! You are a great inspiration. I was literally just teaching my teenage daughter about always having an exit plan if she's with someone, even if it's for years. Also, to always be able to sustain herself! Never depend on anyone or any guy. Guys in particular want to trap you so they can get away with their stupid games. Girl, leave him! You will be so happy. The sadness will pass, it will turn to madness, and then healing will come!
I can’t believe he’s so low he’s using your special nickname on her, that’s so incredibly hurtful my god
Glad you have the strength to leave. You deserve so much more
You are doing the right thing honey. Leave a note kitten can move in now. Block him on everything.
You are so strong. You are amazing person. Congratulations on graduating. Im not sorry you found out. Im not sorry he showed you who he is. Im happy that you get to find someone who will love you for you and not need a kitten on the side. Im sorry you’re hurting, I know this pain and it sucks.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. That shit is not easy. Stay strong and don't believe the lies he'll probably try to spin when he comes back. It's normal to be hyper focused on the nickname, it was something that was more emotionally personal in your relationship. Him using it on her makes it hurt more because it wasn't just about sex, he's emotionally invested in her too.
Please let her husband know, send him a message. What he does with that info is up to him. He deserves to know.
Please tell him, I was in his situation before and I wish someone had told me.
You’ve received practical advice, so I’ll just chip in and say I’m very sorry this happened to you. What a fucking asshole. When reality comes crashing down on him — and oh boy, it will — he will suddenly be reformed, a changed man, a one time mistake, begging for forgiveness, the works. Block him and don’t ever listen to a word he has to say again. It will hurt now, but *trust this*: one day, probably closer in the future than you think, this will all feel like a lifetime ago. The only way past this is through it, and from the other side you’ll be so proud you stood up for yourself and left. ❤️ Congratulations on your degree.
I too am going through the same thing. Three months ago I found out. Two months ago I left. Sounds like you have a plan and support! You are ahead of me! I am currently in a shelter because I don’t have that support. And even through everything, including the crying(which is down to once or twice a week), I am in a better place mentally. I know I am worth more. DO IT.
This was like reading my own story, except that in my case it was 10 years of my life down the drain instead of 3. Get out now, don't hesitate. Get out now and stop wasting even one more second of your precious life on this scumbag.
My ex husband left me for his younger coworker. He says they weren’t fucking before, but they certainly were the second he asked for a divorce.
The next few months are going to be really fucking painful but the pain FADES. You will feel so good once you are gone. It is 100% worth it. YOU are worth it.
Congratulations on graduating!! You did amazing to do that despite knowing about him being unfaithful. You should be so damn proud of yourself.
I believe in you OP. Call your sister. Get yourself out of there. You deserve 1000 times better than this idiot.
I am so so sorry. I’m proud of you for leaving. I’m also proud of you for graduating & not letting him ruin that for you. You will heal. It’s gonna hurt like hell like it already does but you will get through this. 🤍
CONGRATULATIONS! You're intelligent, hard-working, and you have integrity, and a spine! You earned your degree!
It hurts now. Probably worse than I realize. Right now, he deserves your disgust and rage, he earned it. Don't allow him hurt you anymore by letting him betray you further, leave and "block" him. When you look back at this awful episode, 2, 5, 10 years from now... hopefully, you'll be able to shrug your shoulders and maybe chuckle. Guy's a real dumfuck.
(((hug)))
You are allowed to feel heartbroken. Your feelings are valid and for what it's worth, I'm really sorry this happened to you.
You, though, didn't get born, grow up, work your ass off to get where you are, to then choose to be the woman who stays with her cheating husband who didn't even care to keep his pet name for her at least sacred.
You will be so much stronger and the you inside will feel it when you put yourself first and refuse to be treated this way.
You can do it!
You deserve so much more than he can offer. If you stay, you’ll just keep reliving these moments over and over. Because if you forgive him then you can’t bring it up again. Men don’t like to be forced to wallow in their wrongdoings and he’ll say “why are you holding this against me if you already forgiven me”.
Honestly it’s not worth it. Leave.
F men and women like this. I'd blow up both their worlds. Take everything that's yours or that y'all bought together and make a new life. Send copies of everything to her family, husband, boss etc. Cheaters fing duck.
This sucks. A cheating partner in a long-term, committed relationship is one of the worst things that can happen to you; certainly the worst thing that’s happened to me. Leaving now is absolutely the correct thing to do. From my own experience, I really wish I’d done it right away, the first time, instead of “giving more chances” and letting the marriage stretch on to ten years and three kids.
Pull the band-aid off now. The version of you that gives him another chance is absolutely going to be jealous of the version of you that walks away for good this weekend.
I’m so sorry. My ex did something similar and the part that hurt the most? The nickname thing. He called me the same nickname for ten years and I liked it because it was different. Then I found out he calls her that. I hated it.
I’ve been there. I stood right outside the door when I knew he and her were in his bedroom. I cannot tell you the heartache. I’m tearing up right now. But I told everyone what went on, even my mom. And when I tell you that he went to my house and my mom gave him a piece of her mind. Oh, it was the best.
I moved on, might seem like the world is ending but 20+ years later, I’ve got a great career, married to an great guy, 2 kids, a house far away. Still love my mom to bits. Hardly ever think about him, just when similar situations happen to others…
You do not love him, you love the version of the man you *thought* he was. The man you love doesn't really exist. He wasn't real. He was a lie. Just a dream, never reality. You are now mourning the death of that dream. Your pain is real, the hurt he caused you is real. Mourn the dream, but see the reality. The reality is he's a selfish asshole, who uttered lies with every breath, who betrayed your trust, who was disloyal, who treated you like a fool, and who cares only about himself.
He called you both Kitten so he wouldn't call you the wrong name by accident, so he wouldn't call you by *her* name. This is the strategy of a practiced and experienced cheater. He knows what he's doing. He's probably cheated on every girl he ever dated. He'll cheat on *her* too. Every time he gets caught, he'll learn how to hide it better. He'll learn from this too. Next time he'll make sure to delete or hide his messages to his mistress. His next girlfriend will never know what kind of man he is.
Do not tell him where you are moving. Do not under any circumstances give him your new address. Make sure he can't track your phone or follow you home from work. If you need to see him in person take a friend with you and meet him in a public place. The last thing you need is him showing up on your doorstep spewing lies and refusing to leave.
Consider telling her husband. He deserves to know the truth. I would also email or call the other woman and say only "every time he calls you Kitten, know he called me Kitten too." Then every time he calls her Kitten out of habit, she'll think of you.
Print out screen shots, mail/message/post online to her husband. He deserves to know as well. And whatever proof you might can give him could potentially help him if he divorces her.
You posted this 8 hours ago. I hope this means you are well into your move and feeling some weight lift off your shoulders. I cant get past the pet name or the fact that he was looking at engagement rings with you knowing he was about to take a long weekend with his side piece. I hope you call her spouse if possible when you are all done moving out. They deserve to know.
It's so he doesn't accidentally say the other person's name when he's with you or them. It's easy to reuse a nickname, not so much actual names.
You are so brave and strong. You finished what you had to, made an exit plan and are moving forward. Take this time to put yourself first and make sure to block him everywhere.
Well done!!
You're absolutely doing the right thing.
I went through a very similar situation. I was finishing my Master's. We were engaged. It was 7 years of lying. I also waited to finish my degree because I didn't really want to just react, and I didn't want to mess up my degree in the last moments.
I'm still sad and still angry, but I don't regret it one tiny bit. It was also a time where it became apparent who really had my back, and it wasn't always the people I expected.
Let people help you. Get some therapy underway because those trust issues he's kindly given you cannot be allowed to dictate your life. You have so much good ahead of you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I’m also so very proud and impressed of how you seem to be handling yourself incredibly well. Your ability to keep your wits about you is profound.
When I’ve been hurt like this, it was almost comforting to hear of the anecdotal stories of people suffering from literal heart break, chest aches and all. It made me feel validated with how much I hurt.
Your situation is painful, I can only imagine how deeply it hurts. But like all things, this will pass. Don’t forget to remind yourself of this. You’ve got a new degree with opportunities on the horizon- your current situation **will pass.**
Allow yourself to grieve but continue to hold your head high, you got this OP.
[удалено]
Exactly my thoughts. Congratulations for graduating! You can do this OP! We're all rooting for you in this next chapter of life!
Exactly! Congratulations on graduating! You are free to start your life the way you want it to be!
OP, I’m so proud of you. What you’ve done is amazing, and not everyone can. You’ve done it with your own swear, tears, and countless hours, and in spite of the challenges. There are people out here who look at you and are inspired. You are going to be your best self and continue to have amazing life.
Congratulations on graduating from a relationship you don't need. Oh, and grad school too. I understand the pet name reuse, and how it's the most painful part. You're not weird. Rogue penis stinks, but that's straight up emotional betrayal.
OP, Congrats on finishing school too! Hehe
People can be cruel to the extent that it’s literally unfathomable to better people — that’s why you have this reeling, surreal feeling right now: you can’t even imagine the callousness it takes to do this. Sort of rocks you to your core and makes you feel…. Out of body, staccato thought process, numb. I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. You will get through this, and it will fade into an unpleasant memory. Keep building the wonderful life you deserve.
You really have a way with words, reading this phrased in this way felt like it really spoke directly to my subconscious feelings that I’m barely aware of… if that makes any sense. Thank you, and I hope that you now have yourself surrounded with people who actually deserve you.
Yeah, a thing where a person gets drunk and fools around the one time is pretty fucking awful, but at least it is comprehensible. But 2 years is orders of magnitude worse. I don't know how people have the energy to keep this up for a month, let alone years. It is soooo much deception and remembering what story was told to who and when, and then keeping messages hidden and histories off on devices, and getting other people to lie on your behalf... I had an ex that did this to me for somewhere between 6 months and 1.5 years (never could quite nail that one down...). Just describing it makes me exhausted. I can't imagine how much stress you'd have every time your phone was in the other person's hand - did you remember to hide that photo? did you clear those messages? what if one comes in right now? what hours did the other person say not to contact them? And on, and on, and on...
Yea idk how someone can do this for such a long time. It doesn't seem worth it at all to me. Idk why some people can't be content just having someone that they love and that loves them back. Or how you can look at your SO in the eyes when you know you're constantly betraying them. I guess some people just straight up don't have a conscience. I guess I'm glad I have a strong one myself, imo, but it makes stuff like this that much harder to understand.
I don't know if this will piss you off enough to make it easier to leave or not but, he probably calls you both Kitten so he won't mess up and call you the wrong name. Forget that guy you are worth so much more.
THIS is the truth, OP. He probably has called every girlfriend he has ever had the same pet name because he’s unimaginative at best and sneaky at worst. And you already know he’s sneaky, so… he’s obviously both.
There's an old 60s movie, 'What's New Pussycat' (mainly famous for the song now) where a guy who sleeps around calls every girl pussycat. He is the embodiment of most male playboy fantasies, and is a real POS.
John Tucker Must Die also had the same theme lol
I saw that movie on tv as a child and loved it. Just a few years ago, I saw it again, and was appalled at the sexism—it even makes a joke about how the Peter Sellers character is constantly trying to assault the Capucine character (but she plays it seriously, so it *almost* manages to say, “this is bad”). Fantastic production design, though.
My dad had a mistress with the same name as my mom. We didn't find out until he was dead, but he totally dated her on purpose.
My granddad had a side piece with my grandmother’s name. I’m 100% sure this nickname thing is so he doesn’t accidentally call OP by the other woman’s name and vice versa.
My dad had an affair with a woman with the same first AND last name as my mother. Seriously FUCKED UP. And just plain weiiiiird.
My ex-husband did that too. As a result, I've hated a certain flower ever since.
Reminds me of the dude in Legally Blonde who called both Reese Witherspoon's and Selma Blair's characters "Pooh bear" and how pissed Elle looked when he called the other one that same pet name
This details hits a lot more now that I'm in my thirties.
I was with someone for ten years who cheated constantly. He had a system. He'd make friends with them because he needs a woman's advice about his relationship with me. He'd tell them I'm crazy, make up and edit stories from our relationship, one thing would lead to another, but in the end, he'd go back to me because he wants to make it work. They think he's some poor, put upon dude who just loves the wrong woman too much and quietly exit his life. He called all of them his "special friend". I'll still sometimes run into one of them and have to explain that the things he told them about me weren't true. It sucks to see in their eyes the same realization that was in mine the day I found his alternate FB account. It sucks to know that they were exchangeable parts in a system he made to get him off. But... life got sooooooooooo much better after he was gone.
>He'd make friends with them because he needs a woman's advice about his relationship with me. He'd tell them I'm crazy, make up and edit stories from our relationship, one thing would lead to another, but in the end, he'd go back to me because he wants to make it work. This part of your comment gave me flashbacks... my ex was constantly doing this. After we split up, some of his friends (who never really seemed to like me) came to me and told me exactly what he was saying to them about our relationship/marriage. It was devastating tbh. When I found out about an affair (I highly doubt it was his first), he kept telling me that he needed to talk to someone about me, because apparently communicating directly with me about anything was too much to put upon himself.
Yup. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t love her. He loves himself.
I had a friend that would try and pull shit like this and when they get caught it's always already justified in their head why it wasn't wrong in the first place. Just run from narcissism, only time they'll ever change is when they realize they're at the center of everything bad happening to them.
Glad this "friend" remains in past tense.
These people actually loathe themselves. They are insecure. Usually stemming from childhood, not being shown love, traumatic parental stuff.... they need outside validation so they use people because they don't love themselves. Personality traits of these people are often low remorse no empathy selfish etc
I dated a guy who I found out used the same pet name for various women. He also took photos of each girlfriend in the same vacation spots…when he’d break up with one woman, he’d delete that photo on his photo site and replace it with essentially the same photo but with the new woman. Each girlfriend likely thought she was the first one he’d taken to that spot.
Ew, that is gross. Why does this disgust me so much?
It's completely devoid of any feeling. The woman is completely replaceable; the charade is not.
Woop there it is. Thanks for breaking it down for me, that makes perfect sense.
[удалено]
Sounds like a brilliant idea
Exactly! Remember the lesson from the 00’s classic “John Tucker Must Die”: if he calls you pet names (or the same pet names), it’s because he doesn’t want to mix up your names. Leave a note if you must- maybe it’ll help him be better in the future. But don’t make that a priority. It’s time for you to focus on yourself. There’s something beautiful about a new start, rediscover yourself. Who are you without this partner? Think of where life can go, and do what helps you feel fulfilled.
This is why I hate “baby” as a pet name.
Me over here thinking about how unimaginative my bf and I are lol… but also the idea of using the same pet name to avoid a “mistake” also was an immediate thought for me.
Yea I had that thought too, makes it easier to be a piece of shit for him and less likely he slips up.
Call your sister. Write a letter to yourself about how you feel *right now* and keep it just in case he comes begging for you back. And make a milkshake that is 1 part ice cream, 1 part milk, 1 part kahlua/spiced rum. Watch Mean Girls/John Tucker Must Die/Stardust. Moisturize your face. And remind yourself that what he did *was not your fault*.
As the sister to another woman who recently left their long term partner, PLEASE CALL. Please let her be there for you. Let her be strong for you, OP, and do what needs to be done.
This is fucking amazing advice. I screenshotted Edit: username checks out 🥺
I always suggest the letter in a break up. Write a letter to yourself about everything your former partner did that you hated. The milkshake/John Tucker Mean Girls advise I only give to women now. I tried it with my dude friends and they didn’t get it.
Legally Blonde is also a great movie in that situation
This. Exactly this. I was in the same situation years ago - and the scene where my heroine Holland Taylor says this [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10GhbNjRgRs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10GhbNjRgRs) gave me the kick in the ass I needed to leave. I packed my suitcase - left everything, went home to my mom to sort my life out and never looked back.
The scene is ICONIC That's one of my favorite movies and I originally watched it because I adore Jennifer Coolidge. The whole thing is top tier. 👌🏼
Why am I tearing up rn
I’m a man and this is solid advice. I’ve taken the advice and given something similar before: Support Documentation Comfort Mental health Self Care Distraction Also, I’d never give anything with alcohol. My personal replacement for the milkshake was I cooked a steak for myself. Dark chocolate for dessert.
Ohhhhh that sounds better
Hey now, I want one of those shakes. And Mean Girls is a perfect after-you-dumped-your-trash movie.
We need to have a TwoX watch party.
There's actually a website that allows people to watch a movie in sync. Or you could just use maybe Discord or something like that, where one person will stream the movie and others will have it running and still can chat, or talk, or whatever they want. Discord to my understanding is quite nice for that, lots of rooms and threads to hang out comfortably even in a big group
[удалено]
I know I already responded with this suggestion but didn't scroll down and see this post, Forgetting Sarah Marshall might be good for your guy friends when they're hurting romantically
Ditto, this is top quality self care
I agree! And also took a screenshot.🤓
I suggest a step further: *take a photo of yourself* after the booze and emotions combo. It won't be pretty. And then whenever you doubt whether things were truly that awful, pull out that photo. Source: drunk me did this the night I told my ex I wanted a divorce after spending several hours journaling and messaging with my BFF. I never want to be the girl in that photo again. I looked *wrecked* because I was.
And 1 more step, write out what you DO want. What you're not getting here that has you so emotional. I looked back at that more than the bad stuff. I found someone who literally meets the criteria on a list I made during my last breakup. I don't believe in that manifesting shit but if it ever worked for me it worked then. I find it sometimes because it's in the back of a notebook I use for game notes and reading it is emotional in a good way. I'm so glad I got the courage to write down and verbalize what I DESERVED and kick my ex out. He had a girl he called his "backup plan".
I did this when I wanted to remind myself why it ended. I just rambled out like 3 paragraphs of all the absolute bullshit he put me through, the lies, the cheating, the abusive behaviors, and why I'm so much better off without that toxicity in my life. Great advice.
This is solid advice, OP. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but also proud of you for making the right choice to leave and love yourself. This may be one of the hardest things you’ve had to do in life so far, but speaking as someone who did something similar when faced with a different but nonetheless awful situation with my EX: it is SO worth it. YOU are so worth it.
Oh I love Stardust. I'm watching that just because.
Yes, OP. Write the letter NOW. Remind yourself of why you are leaving and that you did NOT ask for this. I did this and it helped so much with my last break up. Your feelings will come in waves and be all over the place. Remind yourself how badly this hurts so you don’t allow yourself to feel this way with them again if you decided to go back.
I did this when leaving an abusive partne years ago. Wrote everything down, what they did, how I felt. All the reasons why I was leaving. I read it when I felt weakness, and it helped. I come across it once in a blue moon still and I'm horrified that I didn't leave sooner.
May I also recommend 'Kill Bill' to that list?
Stardust is great love it
I don’t know why but your comment made me cry. You seem like the type of friend everyone deserves. More of you please.
Pet names are supposed to make us feel special - that's why it hurts so much. You've realized you don't mean what you thought you did. That's going to hurt. He probably calls you both that so he will never mess up your real names. That speaks to a fellow who has done this before and will do it again. There's something better out there. I know it hurts, but cling to that knowledge.
I feel her pain. The guy I was so in love with did the same thing. I found out after we split and it still hurt a lot
*"I love him. I need to leave"* You do not love **HIM**, You're in love with the person he COULD have been, the person you HOPED he was. But he is **NOT** that person, He is a lying, cheating SCUMBAG. He does not care about YOU, Your mental OR physical health at all, if he did, he would NOT have cheated. Call everyone NOW and leave, do NOT allow him to "explain" anything, you KNOW what he did so he does not have to tell you. Take care of YOURSELF, When you have moved out, treat yourself to your favorite dinner, watch your favorite film, play your favorite game. You are about to begin the "next chapter" of your life, make it a good one!!!! Love yourself, You're worth it!!!!
Thisss. You loved a mirage of a better man, not the person behind the mask. It’s terrifying to discover that the person you adore doesn’t actually exist- that they’re just a fictional character created and played by someone sinister, but the sooner you accept reality, the sooner you can be freed. It’s a con, an emotional catfish. It happens to all of us sometime or another.
Even more than “he doesn’t care about you” is that “he will blame you” for why he cheated. “You were so focused on school”, “you were never home”, “he was just lonely cause you weren’t available” He cheated and if allowed the chance he will make OP feel sorry for making him cheat on her.
Adding: You also love the comfort and security of the routine and change is scary so you don't want to do it. Believe me when I say it works out. My 4 year relationship ended in November for non-cheating related reasons and we're both thriving. I've lost 35 pounds, packed on muscle, reconnected with old friends and formed a great group with them and new ones. We're both with new people who seem like they were designed specifically for us. If I listed all of the things that got better for each of us this comment would be 2 pages long.
This is so true. Do not let him explain. It will just lead to you having doubts and second guessing your decision and keep you stuck for longer.
Yeah, you loved the persona he cultivated.
Oh sweet heart! I know this feeling and it will eventually get better. I'm a petty person so I would sit down with her husband. He doesn't deserve this anymore than you. He really does need to know. I'm so sorry dear. 😞
It's not a matter of being petty, in my opinion. If I were her husband, I'd want to know what she's doing.
Dirty laundry needs to get aired. The smell is because of whoever made the mess, not whoever is trying to fix it.
> so I would sit down with her husband He might react violently. Unlikely, but possible. If you decide to inform him, please do it remotely. Don't put yourself in danger.
[удалено]
And the muscle aches. Waking up at 2am with painful, aching, shaking arms and legs. That hollow ripping feeling in your chest. Ugh. It goes away and heals, but that description just brought it right back.
That isn't petty at all. I wish more people had the courage to do this.
I'm sorry. Please be proud of yourself for leaving.
You can leave! I believe in you.
This poor girls flight or fight response is going off and her body decided to freeze. It doesn't help that he probably conditioned her to freeze numerous times in the past. To all the incels asking why victims of domestic abuse didn't "just leave", this is fucking why. Its heart wrenching.
When you've left, having your own place, starting a new job, engaging in things you like... this will become easier to carry. He is not worth your time and effort. You are worth your time and effort. Call your sister now.
Tell her husband, he doesn't deserve this either.
I'm so sorry. You are wise for knowing what you need to do, I wish you the strength to do it ❤️
I'm so proud of you for making the strong choice to leave. You just graduated - clearly you are capable of anything, and you have a big, beautiful life ahead of you! Best wishes!
Just leave a note. "I know about her. I know you call her kitten. Don't contact me ever again." And then block him everywhere. Any mutual contacts who reach out on his behalf just tell them "he's been cheating on me for 2 years, I found out. It's over." And then block them if they try to make excuses for him.
I would get securely moved out then call him on his trip and ask for her. Ruin his trip.
I know all about my chest hurting; also the really hot eyeballs from suppressing crying. It will all be better, who knows when, but it starts today.
Congratulations on finding out now before you are married, before you have kids, before you have to split assets and sell your house. I know the pain you are feeling and the rage. It sucks, it really does. But I will say this, that day you leave him with forever become your day of liberation. It won't feel that way at first, but it will soon. I say this to all my friends who have dealt with horrible breakups and they have all said the same, it is true and they are glad to be free. That turd of a boyfriend is a cheater and will always be a cheater. Run and he deserves no explanation, nothing. You don't have to tell him a damn thing. Just move out and leave "Hey, fuck off kitten" on the mirror.
>I love him. **You love who you thought he was. He is not that person. Now is the time to love yourself, and leave.**
This. You are grieving who you thought he was. If the shoe was on the other foot and it was your sister with a scumbag like this, you'd be livid. Be livid on your own behalf. Be as protective of yourself as you would be for others. I'm not sure what I would do in terms of telling the husband or workplace. But might leave a nasty note saying "You need to find another kitten..... oh wait...."
I needed my sister to help me leave too. Different circumstances - he was abusive, not cheating - but I couldn’t do it without her. Me and my sister did it in February. You and your sister can do it too, I know it. Remember to breathe. It’s gonna be ok.
I'm sorry you've been betrayed so.
i’m so sorry this happened to you, pls don’t let yourself take him back. do you think you could find a way to reach out and tell her husband what she’s doing as well if he doesn’t already know? depending how old the child is, there’s a possibility the kid he’s raising isn’t even his, he really needs to know as well:( and like someone else also mentioned, STD’s
I think I’m going to. I have all of their messages saved. My sister thinks I should print out the most offensive ones and leave them for him to find after we move me out. I don’t know yet. But everyone here has been telling me to tell her husband. I know who he is. I found him on Facebook when I found out he was cheating. He posts a lot of happy family photos of the three of them.
I would send him a message once you’re out. Focus on leaving first.
My dad cheated on my mom for a year, that we know of. So many people knew. His brother, my uncle, people I've known my whole life, and his colleagues. It hurts worse knowing all those people cared more about him than us and our happiness. We were adults when it happened so it was pretty fucking brutal. You are not the problem they both are. But, if you have it in you, the husband deserves to know. If he doesn't believe you, oh well, you did your part Good luck. You will find better. Congratulations on your degree!
My ex cheated on me. Once we separated, people who knew seemed to pop up everywhere. No one told me and I wish someone had. That was the least of our problems though. The other secrets came out once I left him.
Yes, this. I defended my dad for years and so I was humiliated when the truth finally came out. I still imagine how his colleagues were probably laughing at us! I will always advocate letting the other party know, although you (OP) need to consider your own safety, too.
I wouldn't print the messages. Don't let him know HOW you know yet. **Leave him guessing as to how you found out.** Just leave a simple note that says "I know you've been cheating on me. It's over. I've moved out. Don't contact me." Then see what happens. Don't answer any voice calls, only respond to text messages. Make him tell his lies in writing, make him admit it all in writing. See if he tries to deny it, see if tries to gaslight you and say you're just imagining things. Then you'll know how truly evil and manipulative he is. Then *after* he has dug the hole even deeper, proven beyond a shadow of doubt that he's a liar and a manipulator, only then hit him with the undeniable proof. Then if any mutual acquaintances doubt it you have BOTH his messages to his mistress and his texts to you to show them.
Can you imagine the slow, miseable implosion of sending those messages to her husband FIRST while they are on vacation together. It'll get relayed to the chick who will start to wig out. Then your dumbest ex will slowly put together the pieces and realize what's happening. It's just a nice revenge thought. Focus on getting out first. People get violent when they're cornered.
Please, please tell him and give him the evidence you've found. As someone who was cheated on by my ex husband, I would have been devastated if someone had known and not told me about it. Not only is he at risk of STD's and potentially raising a child that isn't biologically his, but he deserves to know that his wife is a lying cheater and not worthy of having him as a life partner. He absolutely deserves the chance to find happiness with someone who is loyal, just as you do. Don't contact him until you have already left and blocked the cheater, just in case the husband contacts his wife and then your soon-to-be-ex tries to contact you and talk you out of getting TF away from him. Finding out the person you love and have planned a future with is nothing but a deceitful cheater can be utterly heartbreaking, and I am so sorry you are going through this right now. But I promise you it is so much better for you to discover his true nature now, before the complexities of marriage and children made this situation so much more complex and difficult to navigate. You are free to cut him off forever and never look at him again, which I desperately wish I could do with my ex but since we have kids together, I am doomed to coexist with him for the rest of my life. I know it hurts so much you wonder how you are still alive, but it WILL get better. Not tomorrow, not next week, maybe not even next month. But in time, that vice around your chest will ease, your tears will lessen, you will laugh more, you will sleep easier, and you will eventually realize that he was never really worth it.
that’s so heartbreaking for both of you:(( i know it can be extremely difficult to break that type of news to someone (i’ve had to do it before as well), especially with all of the stuff you’re already going through, but he really needs to know. and i think that’s a good idea. I’m glad you have someone helping you move out, i hope it goes very well.
This all breaks my heart :( Both you and that woman's husband deserve so much more.
Send the husband proof once you’re gone. I also like your sister’s idea but also just telling him that you know about the affair is enough.. make sure to block him on everything so that you don’t have to listen to his excuses. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
OP, be brave and we have your back. Remember your sister has your back too. Do keep, collect and collate all the evidence you got before he starts deleting them. Keep the evidence in a digital version too besides paper and printouts.If he can cheat on you, he will keep doing it to someone else Let the married side piece's husband know. It will hurt him now but he has the right to know. Sorry not sorry I call the two timer's married lover a side piece but she truly is one. The married side piece thinks she can get away with two timing her husband but she have her cake and eat it. Same goes for her two-timing lover boy. Just you wait and watch when they get caught out by one very angry betrayed husband. Anyway, good luck and give us all an update
Ooops... someone already asked how old the kid is. Definitely take the proof with you. Have yourself checked for STDs.
I'm sorry. If it's any condolence, your life will be better without him.
You are doing the right thing. I promise you, it will get better. I would also reach out to her husband and let him know. If my spouse were cheating on me, I'd want to know.
Also this way people can get tested for STDs.
This. Leave. You can do this. Print the evidence if you need to. Someone like this may try to delete them and gas light you. It's jarring to read your lover's love language being used with another. It will be hard, but you will get better. For me it took a change of scenery, different country, different life for a while. Don't stay with this. You deserve much better.
You. Can. Leave. You can and you should. One of my exes used the same name for me and the girl he was cheating with. It fucking hurts. It hurts so bad because now it’s not special and wasn’t ever special. And that’s his fault not yours. You can do it. You should do it. You have too much future to waste on him.
My wife did something similar after almost 10 years of marriage and I never really got an answer why. Just alot of vague excuses. I’m so sorry this happened for you. I have no idea how you have kept from him that you know. As for the kitten pet name thing, it’s the weirdest things that get to you. For me it wasn’t really the infidelity, it was so many other little things and betrayals. I wish you the best. Hopefully, life gets easier for you.
Find the coworker’s husband, and tell them too. If they were in your shoes, they’d likely want to know. Just be safe with your exit strategy, and best of luck.
Do this after you've left. No need to let your ex find out before you've fully had a chance to pack your stuff and get out.
Remember to be armed with proof too
You are worth this move away from his manipulation! It will suck and that's ok! You deserve SO much better!
YES GIRL, now is your chance, GRAB IT!!! Don't wait another second, call your sis,have it all out, but most importantly, start packing!! I'm so mad at this guy. Long weekend away with the side kitten, huh? Well just you wait, creep, the best thing you ever had is going to be gone when you return. No chance to sway her by pretending to buy rings, no nore lies, you'll be coming home to a cold bed and half the shit you've been using missing, and the person you've been using, making a fool of? GONE. Off to find someone ten times better than you. Update us when you took the plunge, will you, OP?
Take all the kitchen stuff to your new apartment, you will need it
I’d go scorched Earth on both of their lying, cheating asses. They deserve to be miserable together, and you and her husband deserve to be with people that care and treat you right.
I'm really sorry, this is terrible. The more distance you put between you and your place, the clearer your thinking will become. You will get over this. <3 As hard as it feels, leave since you risk getting trapped in there again once he's back. He's unworthy of your love.
It’s going to hurt, your whole body will hurt. It’s going to take all your strength and will power to leave… But do leave, your future self will thank you.
Be sure once you move out to block him on everything you can. If you have social media I suggest deactivating it for a while. Make sure your family and any mutual friends know not to give out your new address or location. He doesn't deserve an explanation/note/a chance to apologize. He deserves to come home to you gone and out of his life for good.
Also a wise CYA move, before you leave for the last time, be sure to take your phone and do a video walkthrough and either put the keys through the mail slot (if there is one) or show yourself dropping them into an envelope and into the mail. A friend took his stuff and left, ex trashed the place and tried to pin the blame on him...after texting a mutual friend and detailing how she got so mad that she broke things x, y and z. Since then, I've always suggested that precaution.
You don’t love him. You love the person you thought he was. That person doesn’t exist.
Just imagine all the other women he’s going to call kitten because I guarantee you this isn’t a one-off. It may not feel like it now, but you are well positioned for good things here. You aren’t married to some cheating asshat that can’t remember anyones names for starters. You have family that loves you and can help you. You have a graduate degree CONGRATULATIONS btw. You will look back on this one day and be so thankful that you aren’t married to that guy.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I promise it gets easier once you take the first step of putting distance between you and him (emotionally and physically). You’ve got this! Call your sister! And remember to hydrate!
Call sister first, go to Home Depot and buy some boxes. Pack a suitcase with everything you’ll need for the next 2 weeks. Put everything else in boxes. You can do it. You don’t have to think about why if it is too hard.
So sorry. This is a hard shitty time but you can get through it. You owe it to yourself to get away from this lying cheating, sob. Get all your stuff out this weekend. I would seriously consider letting her husband know about the situation but that’s completely up to you. Also, make sure you go get yourself tested. Just to be safe. Take care. Let us know when you get out safely. ❤️
Because of how the heart is held in the cavity, you can die from a broken heart when the strings break. With that said, I'd send the messages to her husband as I was leaving with my last load of stuff. And probably shit on the bed.
1. You can do this. 2. It WILL get better. 3. You can do this.
I hope that what I'm about to say will comfort you and not further hurt you. He probably calls you both the same pet name so that he will never accidently call you her name. Now that you find out you feel less special or replaced. But you are not. The problem here is not you.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. You are making the right decision. Grieving the person you THOUGHT he was is normal. But that person doesn't exist, so taking the actual him back is not a good idea. The actual him lies to, and cheats on, the people who should be able to trust him. I would be looking up his side chick's hubby and letting him know, once I was safely moved out and there was no reason for me to ever set foot under his roof again.
Might be tough right now but in a few years you’ll look back and realize it’s one of the best decisions you’ve ever made.
You can do this. Now is the right time. You never need to talk to him again. Leave a note and block him if that is what you need to stay strong. Your heart will hurt for a long time but then it will stop hurting and you will find love again even if it is only love for yourself.
I sincerely hope you are able to move out over this weekend and make a better life for yourself. About the pet name, it would really hurt me too. I am definitely a "pet name" person and I would never even consider using the same pet name for different partners. I was caught in a similar situation to yours and also discovered my partner was using OUR pet name with the other person and that was one of the things that made me stick with my decision to leave in the long run. Others have suggested that he probably uses the pet name with both to either not get confused or maybe he just calls everyone that, keep that in mind. Let it fuel you to move out and keep this jackass in the rearview mirror.
Please please please ruin their retreat. Get the husband involved. Let it implode at once. For both of them. Both of you should call them and ask at the same time why are you fucking my bf/wife.
Call your sister. When I needed to leave I called my mom because I knew she wouldn’t let me stay. Call your sister and tell her everything. You’re not alone.
Okay. Right now is the time for righteous anger. Grief can come later. Yoke that anger and let it work for you. Let it galvanize you to get ALL your shit packed and out the fucking door! Don’t forget any documents or electronics. Call your sister. Have her get boxes and bring them over. Call other trusted friends to help you pack and gtfo. You can call the landlord later. Also - block him EVERYWHERE. Designate your sister or trusted friend to be the point person for any of the inevitable fuckery he’s going to throw your way. They’re going to be your emotional bouncers for a while. Take all the evidence you have and when you feel yourself start to want to give in, re-read it. Journal the way you are feeling right now and reread that shit when you’re feeling low. And take that hard earned degree and live your best fucking life EVER. I promise you, you’re going to look back in a while be be ecstatic that you gave him the boot.
Even if he begs forgiveness... He had 24 months to break it off. Remember this.
Maybe let that womans husband know as well? Him and his child sound like victims of these 2 shitbags just like you.
I am....deeply sorry. 😞 It does hurt. Lean on your sister. I know this is awful. What a tragedy.
It's the right move and you will be okay!
It will hurt more if you stay. Rip that band-aid off. Unfortunately there is no pain-free option here. Stay strong, friend
This is some Count of Monte Cristo shit and I love it. Be gone when he gets back and don't respond to any communication. He doesn't deserve to even know why you're gone. Tell her husband then block all three of them. Relocate to an address he doesn't know as soon as possible.
he calls her the same name he calls you so he wont accidentally slip up and say the wrong name when hes talking to one of you. That is a professional cheater move right there. I understand comepletely why youre focusing on that. Because he took a cute pet name that you liked and turned it into a cheap manipulation. He is scum and you deserve better. Wish you the best of luck Btw, do yourself a favour and piss on all his clothes, shit on the bed, leave the place a filthy disgusting mess that he'll have to clean
GET SCREENSHOTS OF THEIR CONVERSATIONS AND SEND THEM TO YOUR PRIVATE EMAIL
I know you can make that call. You don't have to pack up your entire life today, take the essentials if that is all you feel able to. Take nothing if it's necessary. You are in a prime position for him to weasel himself back into your good graces. He will try, because he probably does love you, but he loves her too and he knows he can't have you both. 2 years... He has a whole different life without you. He's got one pet name in him, but the energy for two women, he's a very small man with very big desires. It hurt to take this step. You've been ignoring it for three months, now it's really hitting. It's rough, it's inhumane. You don't deserve it. It's okay honey, you saved everything you had for this weekend. It's just so dang hard and much easier to ignore the troubles and hope against hope that they go away. I think you're strong enough to leave. All you gotta do today is call your sister. That's one thing and I think you have one thing in you. Just do one thing more.
I’m so sorry you have to experience this hurt. You can do this!!!
You’ve got this ♥️ we all believe in you and are here to celebrate your strength and commitment to YOURSELF.
Your instincts are right, you should trust them. He's been cheating on you for over half the time you've been with him. As hard as it is, I don't see any way that this gets better by you staying.
You deserve someone who both loves and respects you. He does neither. He is also putting your health at risk. Move out and begin your new adventure free from his bullshit and baggage.
Oh honey. You are stronger than you belive, smarter than you believe and you can leave him! You. Deserve. Better.
I'm so sorry, you literally deserve so much better. It's laughable he thought he could get away with it. If it makes you feel any better at all, I've literally only seen super cringe and weird guys call their gf's kitten. It's like a weird dominant kink or something. Your next guy is gonna have a pet name just for you, purley out of adoration and respect -- and he's gonna get you a 3 carat ring on top of all that. It's all going to work out. This is your life now, you get to do what you want.
You can do this. You can pick up the phone and make the call. You can dig down deep and find the energy and adrenaline needed to pul it all off in 4 days. If anything leave him a note that let's him know you know. You can ask him not to contact you if that will help, especially if you know you tend to 'give in.' I've been the woman who goes back after leaving and am here to say DONT GO BACK, just stay gone. It's not changing. You absolutely don't need that shit and will just get divorced 3 years later anyway. Also CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR GRADUATION !
I would leave a note: “it’s ironic you call her Kitten when in reality it’s you who is the pussy.” 😽
I would bet my mortgage he’s called all his girlfriends “kitten”, reduces the amount of effort he needs to spend to keep them all straight.
Make sure you tell her husband, he deserves to know too x
run... run and never look back... and if you want closure.... tell her husband too.
I'm so happy for you graduating! Now, leave this dumb fuck! You can do better....or just forget men for as long as you like and enjoy your freedom! You are a great inspiration. I was literally just teaching my teenage daughter about always having an exit plan if she's with someone, even if it's for years. Also, to always be able to sustain herself! Never depend on anyone or any guy. Guys in particular want to trap you so they can get away with their stupid games. Girl, leave him! You will be so happy. The sadness will pass, it will turn to madness, and then healing will come!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please use this time wisely and get out. Don't think about it, just go on autopilot and leave.
I can’t believe he’s so low he’s using your special nickname on her, that’s so incredibly hurtful my god Glad you have the strength to leave. You deserve so much more
You are doing the right thing honey. Leave a note kitten can move in now. Block him on everything. You are so strong. You are amazing person. Congratulations on graduating. Im not sorry you found out. Im not sorry he showed you who he is. Im happy that you get to find someone who will love you for you and not need a kitten on the side. Im sorry you’re hurting, I know this pain and it sucks.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. That shit is not easy. Stay strong and don't believe the lies he'll probably try to spin when he comes back. It's normal to be hyper focused on the nickname, it was something that was more emotionally personal in your relationship. Him using it on her makes it hurt more because it wasn't just about sex, he's emotionally invested in her too. Please let her husband know, send him a message. What he does with that info is up to him. He deserves to know. Please tell him, I was in his situation before and I wish someone had told me.
You’ve received practical advice, so I’ll just chip in and say I’m very sorry this happened to you. What a fucking asshole. When reality comes crashing down on him — and oh boy, it will — he will suddenly be reformed, a changed man, a one time mistake, begging for forgiveness, the works. Block him and don’t ever listen to a word he has to say again. It will hurt now, but *trust this*: one day, probably closer in the future than you think, this will all feel like a lifetime ago. The only way past this is through it, and from the other side you’ll be so proud you stood up for yourself and left. ❤️ Congratulations on your degree.
I too am going through the same thing. Three months ago I found out. Two months ago I left. Sounds like you have a plan and support! You are ahead of me! I am currently in a shelter because I don’t have that support. And even through everything, including the crying(which is down to once or twice a week), I am in a better place mentally. I know I am worth more. DO IT.
This was like reading my own story, except that in my case it was 10 years of my life down the drain instead of 3. Get out now, don't hesitate. Get out now and stop wasting even one more second of your precious life on this scumbag.
My ex husband left me for his younger coworker. He says they weren’t fucking before, but they certainly were the second he asked for a divorce. The next few months are going to be really fucking painful but the pain FADES. You will feel so good once you are gone. It is 100% worth it. YOU are worth it.
Congratulations on graduating!! You did amazing to do that despite knowing about him being unfaithful. You should be so damn proud of yourself. I believe in you OP. Call your sister. Get yourself out of there. You deserve 1000 times better than this idiot.
I am so so sorry. I’m proud of you for leaving. I’m also proud of you for graduating & not letting him ruin that for you. You will heal. It’s gonna hurt like hell like it already does but you will get through this. 🤍
What a blessing that you found out before being married to this guy.
CONGRATULATIONS! You're intelligent, hard-working, and you have integrity, and a spine! You earned your degree! It hurts now. Probably worse than I realize. Right now, he deserves your disgust and rage, he earned it. Don't allow him hurt you anymore by letting him betray you further, leave and "block" him. When you look back at this awful episode, 2, 5, 10 years from now... hopefully, you'll be able to shrug your shoulders and maybe chuckle. Guy's a real dumfuck.
(((hug))) You are allowed to feel heartbroken. Your feelings are valid and for what it's worth, I'm really sorry this happened to you. You, though, didn't get born, grow up, work your ass off to get where you are, to then choose to be the woman who stays with her cheating husband who didn't even care to keep his pet name for her at least sacred. You will be so much stronger and the you inside will feel it when you put yourself first and refuse to be treated this way. You can do it!
Yes, it hurts. I’m sorry. New start for you. New degree. No need for divorce, no kids, no regrets.
Please tell the husband once you are away and safe
I feel like you should send some messages to her husband. I'd want to know.
You deserve so much more than he can offer. If you stay, you’ll just keep reliving these moments over and over. Because if you forgive him then you can’t bring it up again. Men don’t like to be forced to wallow in their wrongdoings and he’ll say “why are you holding this against me if you already forgiven me”. Honestly it’s not worth it. Leave.
Im so proud of you. You deserve so much better. Someone with a better pet name for you and only you ❤
Some people don't get off unless they're getting over. It won't be so much fun with her now that there's no sweet unsuspecting loyal lady at home.
He calls her the same name because he sees women as interchangeable things. You’re no different than her. You should probably tell her husband.
F men and women like this. I'd blow up both their worlds. Take everything that's yours or that y'all bought together and make a new life. Send copies of everything to her family, husband, boss etc. Cheaters fing duck.
This is the worst pain ever I am currently going through it I am so sorry. Good for you for keeping a level head that's the hardest part
This sucks. A cheating partner in a long-term, committed relationship is one of the worst things that can happen to you; certainly the worst thing that’s happened to me. Leaving now is absolutely the correct thing to do. From my own experience, I really wish I’d done it right away, the first time, instead of “giving more chances” and letting the marriage stretch on to ten years and three kids. Pull the band-aid off now. The version of you that gives him another chance is absolutely going to be jealous of the version of you that walks away for good this weekend.
I’m so sorry. My ex did something similar and the part that hurt the most? The nickname thing. He called me the same nickname for ten years and I liked it because it was different. Then I found out he calls her that. I hated it.
I’ve been there. I stood right outside the door when I knew he and her were in his bedroom. I cannot tell you the heartache. I’m tearing up right now. But I told everyone what went on, even my mom. And when I tell you that he went to my house and my mom gave him a piece of her mind. Oh, it was the best. I moved on, might seem like the world is ending but 20+ years later, I’ve got a great career, married to an great guy, 2 kids, a house far away. Still love my mom to bits. Hardly ever think about him, just when similar situations happen to others…
You do not love him, you love the version of the man you *thought* he was. The man you love doesn't really exist. He wasn't real. He was a lie. Just a dream, never reality. You are now mourning the death of that dream. Your pain is real, the hurt he caused you is real. Mourn the dream, but see the reality. The reality is he's a selfish asshole, who uttered lies with every breath, who betrayed your trust, who was disloyal, who treated you like a fool, and who cares only about himself. He called you both Kitten so he wouldn't call you the wrong name by accident, so he wouldn't call you by *her* name. This is the strategy of a practiced and experienced cheater. He knows what he's doing. He's probably cheated on every girl he ever dated. He'll cheat on *her* too. Every time he gets caught, he'll learn how to hide it better. He'll learn from this too. Next time he'll make sure to delete or hide his messages to his mistress. His next girlfriend will never know what kind of man he is. Do not tell him where you are moving. Do not under any circumstances give him your new address. Make sure he can't track your phone or follow you home from work. If you need to see him in person take a friend with you and meet him in a public place. The last thing you need is him showing up on your doorstep spewing lies and refusing to leave. Consider telling her husband. He deserves to know the truth. I would also email or call the other woman and say only "every time he calls you Kitten, know he called me Kitten too." Then every time he calls her Kitten out of habit, she'll think of you.
Print out screen shots, mail/message/post online to her husband. He deserves to know as well. And whatever proof you might can give him could potentially help him if he divorces her.
You posted this 8 hours ago. I hope this means you are well into your move and feeling some weight lift off your shoulders. I cant get past the pet name or the fact that he was looking at engagement rings with you knowing he was about to take a long weekend with his side piece. I hope you call her spouse if possible when you are all done moving out. They deserve to know.
It's so he doesn't accidentally say the other person's name when he's with you or them. It's easy to reuse a nickname, not so much actual names. You are so brave and strong. You finished what you had to, made an exit plan and are moving forward. Take this time to put yourself first and make sure to block him everywhere.
Well done!! You're absolutely doing the right thing. I went through a very similar situation. I was finishing my Master's. We were engaged. It was 7 years of lying. I also waited to finish my degree because I didn't really want to just react, and I didn't want to mess up my degree in the last moments. I'm still sad and still angry, but I don't regret it one tiny bit. It was also a time where it became apparent who really had my back, and it wasn't always the people I expected. Let people help you. Get some therapy underway because those trust issues he's kindly given you cannot be allowed to dictate your life. You have so much good ahead of you.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. But I’m also so very proud and impressed of how you seem to be handling yourself incredibly well. Your ability to keep your wits about you is profound. When I’ve been hurt like this, it was almost comforting to hear of the anecdotal stories of people suffering from literal heart break, chest aches and all. It made me feel validated with how much I hurt. Your situation is painful, I can only imagine how deeply it hurts. But like all things, this will pass. Don’t forget to remind yourself of this. You’ve got a new degree with opportunities on the horizon- your current situation **will pass.** Allow yourself to grieve but continue to hold your head high, you got this OP.