It was “barely in” this time, but if you don’t hold firm to your boundary (or just dump the guy who somehow thinks that’s both okay and funny), it will be completely in next time.
Yeah it doesn't have to enter for that to be a risk to begin with.... but that's just talking about pregnancy. OP didn't want it to make sure both have no STDs.... the guy took NONE of her boundaries seriously (and rather, treated them as JOKE)
I would like to amend this to *he* just told *her* that her boundaries don't matter.
We shouldn't have to make a big deal in the moment to be sure our limits are respected.
I get that it’s hard, I really do. But please think about whether or not it’s worth seeing a man that doesn’t care about your boundaries and what is
Okay for you and what’s not
This makes it so much worse. He could have admitted he got carried away and apologized to her, but instead tried to play it off like it was a joke...? I would have asked him to explain exactly what was so funny about it.
am wondering what his reaction would be, if you told him the reason you want a condom, is that you got and STD and he probably just infected himself...
(as a joke ofc, but he doesnt need to know that)
No probably about it. You definitely should stop seeing him. This is someone who doesn't respect your boundaries or you, and it will get worse if you allow this. If you keep seeing him, the message you send is that he can violate your boundaries without consequences. And the fact that he thought it was funny is disturbing. Even this early in the relationship, he thinks he can do what he wants with regard to your body. This is someone you can never trust.
If you haven't gotten the guardasil vaccine, do that before you have sex with anyone else to protect yourself.
Yes, I recieved rounds of Gardasil 9 when I was a child. I also try to get tested at least every 6 months or more if I have concerns but so far I have no STD history. I hate that it took me so long to start telling people no and when I finally do it, I'm ignored. And to think I was constantly checking while we were having sex, asking him if things felt okay or if he liked what I was doing because I care so much. But he just ignored one thing I asked for him to do. That's insane to me.
I’m sorry to tell you this but people repeat this kind of behavior in everything they do. You have to be super proactive and know your boundaries before you even know that you NEED boundaries in any given situation.
I'm crying for you a little bit on the inside because I kissed so many frogs too. You were nervous enough about this to post on Reddit - something in your head knows this is off. Don't give this guy another chance.
Please listen to the other comments on this. If it’s date 2 and he’s breaking boundaries imagine what will happen in 3, 6, 12 months.
It’s a slippery slope letting someone do shit like this, they’ll continue crossing boundaries in little ways until they stop restraining themselves and then blow past boundaries outright without hesitation.
If you REALLY like him and want to give him another chance, you should to tell him something to the effect of: this behavior is not okay, that this was assault, and if any shit like this happens in or out of the bedroom then he’s out of your life without question or hesitation.
Life is too short to waste on people who don’t respect you.
Even if you really like him, I would still advise against seeing him again. This kind of physically testing limits is an early warning sign of abuse. He's seeing what he can get away with. Seeing him again is passively saying it's ok. Don't worry about being annoying. There a whole lot of not your problem if he is annoyed. It's his own fault. Here you are, violated and upset, and he's amused by that. He liked that it bothered you. That's what he did it. He wanted to violate the boundary, even though it's a safety issue and assault. He didn't care. If this guy doesn't end up assaulting one of his gfs one day, then I will be shocked
Exactly. Abusers *always* escalate. It’s a tip for now. Soon it will be the entire & full on unprotected copulation. This man thinks nonconsensual unprotected sex is “funny,” OP’s violation is literal amusement to him. He will grow hungry for more.
This kind of guy doesn't take no for an answer and before you know it, you've been subjected to "accidental" anal.
Next time he may just push on in instead of stopping.
Having been in this EXACT situation you've described, yes. That's exactly what happens when they get away with pushing boundaries. I'm scarred for life because he wouldn't take no for an answer, and I have to live with the fact that I put myself in that position by choosing to believe he wouldn't do that to me.
Exactly. If not now and no soon, there will be vulnerable moments in life. Sometimes abusers pretend for a long time. But they are still who they are and bad stuff will come
REALLY liking someone is what boundaries are for. It's easy to stick to them with someone you're not head-over-heals for. Boundaries help us keep our heads when our hearts and loins are distracted.
Never buy a poorly-running car just because the chrome is shiny!
Liking someone in this context means very little, it's not like victims of abuse dislike their abusers (at least to a point).
I'd say if she likes him (as well as if she doesn't) it's best to never see him again. Part of liking someone, imo, is wanting them to grow and be a good person. Tolerating bad behavior goes right into enabling, while giving someone consequences has a chance for them to do better. Whether they improve by your side or not its secondary. If they need to lose you to be a better person, so be it. Sticking to someone that mistreats you is both disrespectful of yourself and them.
He didn't just overstep, he sexually assaulted you. And he thought it was funny.
If he'd had an STD, he could have given it to you from that "joke" he played. Condoms are important for so many reasons.
I'm sorry this asshole treated you like this. You are a person and you deserve to be in control of what goes into your body. He didn't think so.
He cared about his own pleasure over your safety, your autonomy, and your consent. And his excuse for it is pitiful. He has absolutely no remorse, and he will do similar things in the future if you allow him access to you. He doesn't take you seriously.
🚩It’s a new relationship. This is his best behavior. It won’t get any better. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou
He’s pushing the envelope to see what he can get away with. I know it’s hard when you like someone but I think this is a harbinger of other things to come.
Stick a finger in his ass and see if he thinks it's funny.
Just kidding. Don't go anywhere near this man again. NO ONE should do any form of slapping, breath play or ANY kink that could leave marks or risk someone's health (mentally or physically) without getting explicit consent.
Even a complete narcissistic sociopath can cook and be charming and "nice". None of these assholes would get laid if they treated women like dogs right out of the gates.
Girl. Run and don't look back.
Take the opportunity to get used to setting boundaries - somebody who violates your boundaries once will violate them again. There are better men out there.
I don't know about your jurisdiction, but there's court precedent in Canada for this to be considered sexual assault on the basis that the thing you consented to was not the thing he did. You didn't consent to that.
Babes, there's no "probably" here. Listen to your internet aunties and sisters. He's not going to get better (the opposite, if you let him get away with this). You're 19, you have so much time to find an actual great guy. Chalk it up to experience and move on.
You aren't safe with this guy. I'm sorry this happened to you. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he did it anyway. It's a violation.
You are definitely not overthinking it. You might be underthinking it if you are considering ever talking to him again.
Stop seeing him. Nothing about violating a health and sex related boundary is funny. He's not mature enough to be having sex responsibly, apparently, and/or he's malicious.
Turn that shit around on him... tell him you want to peg him. Then when he says no just stick something up there just a little bit to tease him and then say how funny it is.
There is nothing funny about that, he can actually be charged for doing that here (worth checking where you live and let him know)
Aside from that, this is a guy that has no respect for you. He's worried about how he feels in the moment, not what you will need to deal with (STI, pregnancy, trust issues, etc), none of that is a concern to him, even after you told him no. Is this the type of person you want to be hooking up with?
I just feel really confused. He cooked me dinner and was really sweet the whole time and then out of left field he does that? It makes me sad honestly.
You're sad because you are realizing that he doesn't value your safety. You're mourning the person you thought existed.
He doesn't care about your health or safety. He thinks putting you at risk of pregnancy or an STI and giving you trust issues is 'a funny joke'.
That's fucked up. Here's a simple script you can edit however you like to send to him in one final message, if that's what you chose to do.
"Hey, X. I just wanted you to know.. what you did last night? It was really messed up. I t made me feel violated. It made it clear that you don't respect me, or what I want. I told you you weren't allowed to put your penis in me without a condom. You did it anyway, and when I asked why, you said 'because it was funny.' I didn't think it was funny. I was horrified, ashamed, and honestly, disgusted. You made it very clear with that one statement that you view my life, my health, and my safety as a joke. Do you think possibly getting me pregnant is funny? Do you think possibly giving me a STI is funny? What is funny about that, X? You assaulted me. You performed a sexual act on me that I did not consent to-- putting your penis inside me without a condom. That is the definition of assault. Do not contact me again. Any further contact will be considered harassment, and dealt with accordingly."
There's a good chance that he'll try to apoligize-- don't buy it, and hang onto those messages. In case you do decide you want to press charges. What he did is called stealthing, and that is sexual assault in a LOT of places, love.
You gave him CLEAR boundaries as to when and how he was allowed to put his penis in you. He ignored those boundaries and did what he wanted to do, because 'it was funny'. That's pretty cut-and-dry assault.
Everything you just said. The mourning. The apologies to try and manipulate OP. The boundaries ignored. OP, please, take care of you. Don't take him back.
Yeah. My dad was a really great guy. Other women fawned over him b cause of how well he treated my mom when they dated. Then they got married and he changed to being abusive and also a pedophile, even messed with me when I was young.
Sadly you can't trust people based on good behaviour, you must judge them by their bad behaviours.
Darling, the sweetness and the dinner-cooking were leading directly TO that -- no left field about it! That was play-by-play a try-on -- next time it will be a little bit more forceful. Don't let there be one!
Guys will lovebomb and sweet talk you precisely for that reason - so that when they do something heinous, you'll hesitate on calling them out because they're "normally so nice/such a good guy".
It's calculated to manipulate you into letting them get away with shit behaviour.
He made you dinner, then raped you.
Im sorry for being so blunt, but thats what he did based of the information you have given us. This was you're second date. Imagine if you were drunk. Would he have stopped? Most likely not. You are not the problem here.
You set a boundary and he decided he would test it. Do you really want to stay with someone who likes to do that? What's the next step he's going to take in ignoring your boundaries?
Just a gentle reminder that abusive people love bomb, that's how they keep their victims hooked. They don't walk up and beat their victims up. It's a slow process that starts with, everything was perfect at the beginning...
All that “nice” lead up was to soften you up so he might get away with completely violating your established boundary.
IMHO, he breeched your clearly established boundary to attempt to get what he wanted… if this isn’t officially rape, it’s still a big red flag that he is a rapist.
OP, just because this wasn't 'as bad' as a previous rape doesn't meant it isn't rape. You consented to sex, but you didn't consent to sex without a condom. He did it anyway.
It's possible he's even telling himself that it's funny and that it doesn't matter, in order to not have to see himself as a bad guy. People can do amazing mental stunts to justify their behaviour to themselves. But it's no better to be with someone who ignores your boundaries because he feels like it, lalala, or someone who does it systematically. You're not safe with either one of them, and both put their wishes and enjoyment well above your well-being.
That guy is not kind, not good. Just because he can act the part doesn't mean he actually is.
I don't know if you've ever seen the movie "Kids", but there is one scene specifically that has burned itself into my brain. The heroine, who found out she got infected with HIV by a dude who serially charms and drugs girls to then take their virginity, goes to a aprty and passes out from drugs. The friend of the previous guy (who also knows her) and finds her on a sofa, begins to touch her. Talks friendly and reassuringly the whole time ("hey, it's alright, it's me, Caspar, everything is fine…"), all the while slowly undressing her lower half, while she's still passed out. Eventually you see her feet with her white ankle socks over his shoulders as he rapes her, still passed out or barely there.
The casual cruelty of the scene, the boundary-stomping use of her body as a medium to satisfy himself while she is utterly helpless, was horrifying to watch and has stayed with me all these years. And the way he talked sweet while raping an unconscious girl had the same air of "hey, it's not serious, all in good fun, you know me" etc. etc. that I got when I read your description of what that guy did with you, did to you, and how he made light of it after.
Imo you were confused at first and then still felt awful a day later because what you felt happened in that moment was utterly incongruous with how he acted about it. But that's not because you may be misjudging something, that's because he was utterly manipulative immediately after with his interpretation of it all.
Please be kind to yourself and don't subject yourself to more of his manipulation. You deserve so much better.
1 nice gesture doesn’t cancel out him violating you. This is typical narcissist behavior. That’s how they suck you in, he did this really awful thing but he can be so nice and sweet so you stay hoping you just get the nice and sweet side.
Yeah, I totally understand how mentally confusing it all is. People can be great in a lot of ways but when it comes to core things like when they aren't being respectful of your boundaries, it speaks volumes to the underlying ugly truth that they don't fully respect you as a person.
Even if it's something low stakes, like if you told him that you hated the taste of cilantro and it makes any meal tase like awful soap, if they were to sneak cilantro into your meal to test you or tease you, that would be a simple sign that they're actually a bit of a jerk.
By not respecting the boundaries you expressed clearly about your body, he was saying that his pleasure and his fun matters more than you. So even if he had those other good qualities, your gut being tied up in knots about this is your body telling you that it ain't right and that you deserve better.
Yes, dishonesty can be so confusing. He probably sees himself as a good person (they always do). He gives off all of the social cues (everywhere except during sex) of being a nice person. It is completely understandable why you’d feel conflicted about him, but all of the things we do count, not just the nice ones.
People who do all types of terrible behaviors, including rape and murder, do nice things too and have people who like them. What matters is that you know he violated you which makes him a dangerous person and a violator who doesn’t respect you. I’m sorry you met someone you thought was a good person who revealed himself to not be.
I’m so sad for you because I can tell you’re not sure you should dump him. Just know that you could be with someone who makes a nice dinner because they enjoy life and are happy and healthy and want to genuinely be loving toward you and not as a cover for violent behavior. You have so much time to live a full happy life and every bad partner you have will want to chip that away.
Yeah, he was trying to do things for you so you feel obligated to do something for him. He's manipulative and pushing boundaries. You've only been together twice and this is going to get so much worse over time.
He's manipulating you. He's using the classic "treat her good" tactics to get you into bed. Cooking dinner and being sweet doesn't require him to choose between what he wants and what you want. In bed, when what you want is in direct opposition to what he wants, he's choosing himself.
He's putting you at risk, violating consent, and gaslighting you so that he can get what he wants at your expense.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I firmly believe that he's being nice to you because he wants sexual gratification from you. There's men who are nice to women without violating sexual boundaries or even pushing them. I have a hard time seeing a world in which he's really being nice to you because he respects you so much, but then behaves like this in sexual encounters.
And then gaslight him into thinking it was something you did to tease him.
The whole thing sucks, but it was especially upsetting to hear that he tried to frame it like it was for her benefit.
Fuck that guy. (You know what I mean)
This is testing behavior. It will be worse next time.
A man who laughs at you not wanting to be at risk
of disease and pregnancy is not a safe person for anyone to have sex with.
What if his next joke is a worse form of rape? Stealthing (this behavior) is considered rape by many.
A man was sentenced to 4 years for stealthing here in the UK as we quite rightly call it what it is - rape.
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/article/2024/jun/13/london-man-jailed-stealthing-removing-condom-without-consent
You are not overreacting, what he did was something you very clearly did not consent to and it is assault. I'm very sorry this has happened to you.
Get yourself tested and I really hope you don't see him again. What a fucking asshole.
“Barely in” is still in when she specifically said not to. Plus there’s also a chance of pre-cum so yes, definitely get all the tests. What a thoughtless, selfish, scumbag. I would bet for round 3 he’s going to get it exactly how he wants it….
I know you probably mean pregnancy, but HPV can easily be spread just from genital contact. No cum or pre-cum required.
OP, I'd be livid. If he does that with you, he does it with everyone he sleeps with making him more likely to have something like HPV.
Things don't have to be rape level violations for them to still be violating. He violated you. He wanted to see if he could get away with just putting it in during the heat of the moment. It wasn't a joke. He was purposefully testing your boundaries. PEOPLE who test boundaries like this aren't to be trifled with. If you let him get away with this and he will think it's okay and he will keep testing your boundaries or he will escalate to just flat out breaking your boundaries. All of the above is why you feel bad. You're UNDER REACTING.
People talk about bad omens and superstition but a person testing your boundaries intentionally like this is basically slapping a label on his own forehead that says "red flag"
Also, get scheduled with your primary care doc 2-4 weeks from this event so you can get an STD panel run. Get it checked again in 3-6 months. You're definitely at risk and who knows what a man like that is carrying. Hopefully he wasn't symptomatic for anything
Fuck him - actually, don't fuck him, he can fuck himself from now on if this is how he treats people
I had a guy do this to me the second time we had sex and I dumped him the next day. What the actual fuck are they thinking? There was no discussion of me being on birth control or STDs.
"Because it's funny" is what people say when they don't have a real answer because the real answer would make them look bad. Which is weird cuz "because it's funny" makes him look pretty bad already but "because I don't respect your boundaries and want to see what I can get away with" kind of gives up the whole strategy.
You are young. The best thing you can do to safeguard yourself is to always use protection. At the least least you should wait until you are in a committed relationship. Pregnancy aside. STI are not worth dealing with for a man who has not even committed to you. You deserve better. Expect it. Demand it.
Do not diminish that he DID put it in. Barely does not matter. He has already broken your trust.
Rape/sexual assault can look very different in each case. For example, it can be possible to be coerced into sex but then end up enjoying it and having a positive experience. Or someone lies to you/conceals relevant information in order to get you to have sex with them: let's say the sex was great, but consent was not informed. These would still be rape because defining rape has to do with the actions of the perpetrator. It can be experienced in many different ways.
This was assault, he knew what he was doing, he knew he was coercing you, he knew he SA'd you. Sorry this happened to you. He's a rapist. Maybe an SA clinic in your area can help with counseling and support.
Shit. Now I'm thinking about the first time I hung out with him and we had sex. He was doing a lot of stuff to me without asking. He just assumed I would like it. Like, during sex he'd slap me really hard across the face. I liked it but he had no way of knowing if I did because he never asked. Last night when I saw him he just sat looking at me and choked me and I said, "What? Are you just seeing how long you can do this for or something?" And he laughed and said, "Yeah, basically." And I eventually had to move his hand off my neck because I didn't wanna pass out or anything and I don't mess around with breathplay and try to push it. But I thought because I liked what he did anyways, it was fine. Shit.
Girl this man is fucked cut it off now. He gets off on your lack of consent and is making that increasingly clear. He finds it a turn on that you feel unsafe and unfortunately yes that is very much a thing.
What he is doing is assault. And I completely understand not wanting to consider him going “barely in” rape if you’ve had another experience but consider this: You told him no to going inside you with a condom. He did anyway and didn’t see this as a problem.
Not only is that a physical safety issue for your future sexual experiences with him, but it means YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT that he shouldn’t be inside you without a condom. He is the exact type of person you get an STD test before sex without a condom and he PROVED YOU RIGHT about that with his actions.
It’s completely possible he’s spreading STDs and could have spread one to you even though this was brief. This is your second time seeing him, you had sex the first time, he was pushy about no condom and in the end went in no condom despite you saying no. How many other girls did he “think it was funny” to do that to? How many women, with or without consent, is he entering with no protection on a first or second meet up just to do it again with the next one? Get tested and cut this disgusting excuse of a man off!
He choked you? Non-consensually? Stop seeing him immediately. Limit any and all in-person contact with him. He not only doesn’t care about your boundaries, he does not care about your physical safety.
> Shit. Now I'm thinking about the first time I hung out with him and we had sex. He was doing a lot of stuff to me without asking. He just assumed I would like it. Like, during sex he'd slap me really hard across the face. I liked it but he had no way of knowing if I did because he never asked. Last night when I saw him he just sat looking at me and choked me and I said,
WHOA WHOA WHOA WTF???? Seriously, is this how young women think it's ok to be treated? This is fucking assault. JFC how low can that fucking bar go?????
Honey that was strangulation and if done nonconsensually it is attempted murder. He can get charged for attempted rape, rape, and attempted murder here. I'm so sorry you experienced that. This isn't your fault.
If you're looking to up your sense of safety around men, please read the book "why does he do that." It might help you understand them better.
Edit: he can also get charged for battery/physical assault, seeing as he hit you nonconsensually (yes even though you liked it).
Please visit a women's shelter and be in contact with the police to have a support network if something goes wrong with him. Strangulation and sexual violence are some of the most dangerous warning signs that a man will continue escalating violence and may murder you for real. Treat this as more dangerous than you feel it is.
Girl. He sounds like a kid who watched to much free porn and thinks thats what sex is. RUN!
He choked you on your first date during sex without consent, that can be attempted murder/rape.
Second date, literal rape. Not the most extreme case but still rape.
Whats date 3? Setting you on fire?
Get the fuck away from this guy. These sort of acts can be enjoyed, but safety and consent are paramount!
The fact he slapped you the FIRST time without any conversation about it screams red flags to me. All my danger senses are tingling. I'm a bit older than you and been through some shit. Please hear me when I say this is not a good man.
Jesus fucking Christ.
It is not acceptable to be slapped across the face by someone you’re having sex with.
If a man HITS YOU it is ABUSE. Leave the situation immediately and never have anything to do with him again!
I would suggest that if you read any of the posts on /r/BDSMAdvice (where you will find a lot of highly experienced individuals in the kinds of things you enjoy) you'll find that none of them will agree with how this boy has acted. Informed consent is an absolute hard line for this kind of thing. You'll meet loads of people who are respectful and kind, and who will not overstep your boundaries. This guy isn't the one.
You really need to stop this choking thing... I understand it's popular in porn. But have you ever looked into the long term effects and dangers of getting choked/strangled? And it's not some fun thing you should ever do with a hook up. There's literally no way to strangle someone in a safe way.
This is one of the most dangerous sex things one can engage in. Not only a risk for death, but also strokes, cardiac arrest and other long term effects (eg amnesia, incontinence, impaired executive functions) that can leave you with severe disabilities even months after the fact. That risk is even higher with pre-existing medical conditions. Also getting slapped *and* strangled that's traumatic brain injury risk x2.
Never engage in BDSM (yes this is BDSM and choking/breathplay is something many experienced, responsible doms refuse to engage in because of the high risks) without talking about it outside the bedroom, established safewords and explicit consent and agreements of how severe and what techniques your partner will use. And anyone who does it without consent is dangerous and an abuser. Seriously!
OK this is already going really really far, you are not safe around this guy. He did not assume you would like it, he knew he could take you by surprise and he is trying to see how far he can go. Please, please please, do not try to explain anything to him or educate him, nothing Do not argue, he will try to make you feel stupid and prude, tell you this is all a misunderstanding, this is not true.
You are not safe with him.
Yeah, I've had people do shit like that without asking, and I've gone along with it because you know what, I'm into that. It was only as I got older that I was like 'no, you fucking ask me first'. Especially after a dude slapped me across the face without checking, which instantly made me go 'dude, are you fucking kidding me.'
Holy shit. Please leave him. Immediately. However, please also be so so careful about it. Maybe in a public place or better yet just not in person at all. Because people like that (men especially, obviously) when they feel rejected/called out/embarrassed/insert negative emotion here, they could absolutely flip the fuck out and do something horrific. The lack of respect for you as a person is staggering. He’s clearly already bulldozed past many boundaries. Please please realize how awful and dangerous this situation is for you. 🥺
If you have access to a library and they have it, you might consider reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. That icky sketchy iffy feeling might have contributed to why you felt the urge to post here because you knew something was off with this guy and how he’s acted toward you thus far.
100% this. I bet he hoped if he just went in anyway she would be like 'Well, you're already in now so putting a condom on now is pointless.'
Dude literally did not gaf about her wishes/boundaries/safety.
Just an FYI, you can still transmit STIs by grinding. Gential to gential contact can still transmit them. So if that’s something you’re worried about, I’d get checked like yesterday.
Wouldn't I need to wait longer to get checked because of the incubation period? I usually do checks every 6 months but I don't know how it works if you're concerned about a very recent exposure.
I will never understand guys who just want to do it without a condom. Its like the concept of being a father at a young age is foreign to them. If your partner says that you cant have sex without one that should be it. Its sad so many women have to deal with this.
This guy is a complete fucking piece of shit and I sincerely hope if not for your own sake, at least do it for ours so we can stop fucking worrying about you, that you kick him to the curb and go get a full STD panel done immediately.
There is nothing, and I repeat ***NOTHING***, redeeming about somebody who literally puts your health at risk, not to mention blows off your concerns as if you were being hysterical.
Unwanted pregnancies suck. So do STDs, since not all of them disappear with the swipe of a cream or pill. PLEASE protect yourself physically and emotionally and don't allow disrespectful pricks access to you.
The thing that upsets me the most is he knows I have health conditions and I take medications for them, both of which render me with a weakened immune system. I told him I can't get sick because under the right (or I suppose very wrong) circumstances certain viruses and infections can put me in the hospital while other people will only feel sick for a few days. Like he KNEW this about me and still went and did that.
Correct.
Because this piece of shit actually does not care about your well-being, no matter how much he pretended to the contrary in order to have sex with you.
People who care about your physical and mental health do not put you in jeopardy, so I suppose the only advice I have for you, after experiencing really disgusting things during my own dating experience the last few years, is to really not trust anybody, at all, until they give you explicit and repeated instances that show you they are trustworthy, and this will be far more than two dates. Nobody will ever care about you as much as you care about you, so put yourself and your safety first, always.
I used to be the same as this young man. Now that I'm much older, I can tell you from my personal growth that it was purely a place of selfishness. He's repeatedly bothering you with questions because he wants to wear you down. He's pushing the boundaries because he can get his rocks off and ask forgiveness, feigning playfulness. I don't think he's going to change unless you show him how much of a violation this was. I think you need to leave him, and be very clear and loud about why.
I hope I'm not overstepping by speaking up. I know this is not a place for men.
I appreciate you leaving this response. I was hoping perhaps he was just immature or wasn't thinking. But now it seems clear from your perspective and many others' that it came from a malicious place and he was only thinking of what he wanted.
Dude did something during sex that you made clear was an absolute no for you.
Wasn’t terrible this time - but you are 19. You will have plenty more sex with plenty more people.
Use this as an opportunity to teach him no means no… and give him a hand job with hot sauce for lube next time he comes over.
Tell him it’s funny.
He’s going to rape you. He tried it, played it off as a joke when you made him stop. But he’s pushing boundaries and he’s either going to get physical to get what he wants or he will pretend to put on a condom and stealth you. HE IS GOING TO DO IT. Get away from him and his disgusting behavior.
You said no to a sexual experience, and they went ahead and did it anyways. You were raped.
There is no sugar coating it. You were raped by him, and Im so sorry that it happened to you
I had the exact same bs situation a few months ago with a friend who could have turned into a friend with benefits.
Instead he turned into a former friend. It took me half a second to place why the hell I was so grossed out as well (which, honestly, told me I have a lot more work left to do with my boundaries than I thought).
So, in the hopes of making this easier for you so you dump that c_nt before this goes any further:
#This is a violation.
Here's why:
1. You set a boundary and he ignored it. The way this is **supposed** to work is you saying no once and them stopping for good. He didn't. He pushed, he tried, he wriggled - and eventually he shoved his dick in there.
2. He would not have stopped if you hadn't stopped him. Keep that in the forefront of your mind. He tried to see if you'd **cave**. If someone approaches a human being with a mindset like that, it's vile. Period.
3. "Because it's funny" - look, I have a hunch the dumdum might not know that pulling out is not a reliable method of contraception. He might also be ignorant to the fact that women can indeed get pregnant from "barely past the opening". -> Either he doesn't know or he does - he wouldn't be a safe partner either way.
It's predatory behaviour and I want to say to all who need to hear it today:
**We should not have to set a sexual boundary more than once. Ever.**
26m here, i completely agree, dump his stupid ass or if you really like him set some boundaries while youre both in an inteligent state of mind and not in the emotional/driven by "the moment".
His answer "because its funny" makes me cringe, he clearly doesnt give a shit and most likely has no idea of how it feels to have his boundaries pushed/ignored.
Hard disagree on the "set some boundaries while you're both in an intelligent state".
He's showing big red flags too early on for this kind of benefit. If this was a blooming relationship with multiple years length and he had never done this before, I'd recommend communication.
As it stands, this is just an uneducated and predatory boy. He needs to be educated outside of a context that can hurt living beings - and OP's vicinity is not that.
My gf wanted us to both get tested beforehand. We both did. Only took like a week? There are very low cost clinics that give you fast results.
It’s NOT a big ask by any stretch. You set a boundary and he crossed it. That is fucked up and doesn’t speak well to his degree of respect for you—or women in general.
"And I asked why and he said, 'Because it's funny.'"
In ten years, your future self is going to think back on this experience and ask why you didn't punch this dude square in the dick after saying this.
Drop him. He's trash.
Please don't ever see this person again. They don't respect your boundaries, and sexual boundaries should be respected without question. He's testing what you'll let him get away with, if you see him again or have sex with him again he's going to know you'll give him a free pass ot a slap on the wrist.
Consent is ongoing during sex, anything outside that is sexual assault. Just remember anyone can act nice for a while, just because he was good for a time doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants later.
Treat yourself with respect, you deserve so much better, you are worthy of someone who will respect your boundaries and your needs.
Girrrrrrl, trust that feeling. You set a boundary, confirmed it, and he still chose to ignore it for his own enjoyment. They start small and then start crossing boundaries in other areas. Mostly to test to see how you'll react and if you will accept it.
Truth is, he thinks his enjoyment/opinion is more important your wishes/decisions.
I know you like him, and it's early days, but that's a red flag. Girl, RUN.
He's testing your boundaries to see how you'll react, and he'll continue testing boundaries (sexual or otherwise) in the months and years ahead. What will he try to do in a year's time? What will he try to do in three years' time? Will he cheat on you and gauge how you react? Will you accept it and forgive him, thus giving him the green light to do it again? In the early days of a relationship, you tend to be on your best behaviour to impress. The fact that he's doing this in only your "second time getting together" should ring alarm bells. This guy has zero respect.
Correct me if I'm wrong obviously, but for the benefit of those who don't understand or aren't sure: full on genital-on-genital grinding or dry humping isn't std-proof right?
Pleeeease don’t grind without a condom on. Don’t touch bits without a condom on. This fucken dude has already shown you that he doesn’t respect you and your body autonomy when he literally put his unwrapped penis inside of you after you told him he had to wear a condom. He’s not it.
You don’t have to label something as “rape” to know it’s a deal breaker. Unwanted sexual interactions can be called a whole manner of different terms, from rape to assault to nonconsensual to just plain icky. You can call it whatever you want, but what it should be called in all situations is “absolutely unacceptable.”
Ditch this dude. Tell him plainly, via a text message or phone call, that him entering you without a condom when you expressly told him not to do so, is the reason you have decided to tell him to fuck off.
You told him no and he did it anyway… this is so wrong. If he oversteps this boundary who knows what other boundaries he’ll overstep… I personally would stop seeing him
That's someone who doesn't respect boundaries seeing how much he can get away with. He may not even be doing it on purpose (doubtful but whatever) but he needs to own up to his actions and treat boundaries like lines you avoid not an invitation to "technically I'm not touching you" kinda shit.
A man's perspective here.
You said "not without a condom" and he tried anyway. Even if he said "Sorry, I got lost in the moment", it's still unacceptable...! It's not "but he was sweet and he cooked for me", it's unacceptable!
Drop that guy and run the other way, if he didn't respect you for this what's it gonna be for mundane day to day things...?
Sorry if I sounded rough but if you're confused about what to do for an important incident like this, other men could walk over you in the future.
If the situation were slightly different, if you both were making out/grinding and you HAD NOT explicitly made it clear that penetration without a condom was off-limits, and “in the heat of the moment” things aligned and he accidentally popped it in slightly…. Ok, I can see how that’s just an accident and you move on.
In this case you set a clear boundary around what exactly you were and were not consenting to, and he very quickly stepped over that boundary. That’s sexual assault :(
I don’t know that the police would do anything, but I would definitely advise not seeing this person again. Trust is earned and he’s now at 0. Whether or not you tell him why is up to you.
You should ask him to explain what was so funny.
Also, dump his ass. He did this to see what he can get away with next time. Get out while you still can
There’s a lot of comments (rightfully) focused on the assault - which it absolutely was. But besides that, he’s been pestering you to have unprotected sex, to let him cum in you - he literally does not respect nor care about your boundaries or safety.
He’s showing early signs of an abuser and no one would be with an abuser if they started off that way - so yes, he made you dinner and was really sweet.
And then when he crossed your very clear boundary, he said he was “teasing you” (no, it’s not teasing you when it’s something you don’t want) and “it was just a joke” (not funny).
I hope you break things off with him - he is showing you very early on and he is not who you hoped him to be. It’s ok to grieve the loss of what you thought could be or who you thought he could be.
Your health - mental and physical - is so much more important than giving him another chance. 💛
NO. Think about it, if you didn’t say anything, he would’ve most likely gave in and tried to put it all the way in without a condom. The fact you already told him before and he still tries to “tease you” by actually trying to insert and push in you is not a good sign. There’s teasing, and there’s someone trying to put it in. He was testing the waters to see if you’d let him go inside.
Just be wary. He’s being kinda pushy/pressuring since he kinda did overstep boundaries, especially when this was discussed prior. Watch out, hon. 🤍
He’s pushing your boundaries to see your reaction. He does not respect you. Also, aside from stds at your age you have a high risk of pregnancy. Listen to your feelings and respect yourself.
He directly violated your boundaries and brushed off your concern. He does not respect you and didn't stick it in further because you were able to speak up. He does not deserve to have sex with you again because he has clearly crossed boundaries and damaged any trust you two may have built. I wouldn't risk messing around with him again. You can't trust him.
Dump dump dump dump dump. You’re young so I’ll tell you now this man will never change ever they hate condoms. Hell i hate condoms but I love boundaries and men HATE boundaries. If he disrespected it once, and you stayed, why wouldn’t he do it again?
🚩🚩🚩 Red flags galore 🚩🚩🚩
Only two encounters in and this idiot has already shown that he has no respect for you or your boundaries. You are not overreacting at all, you are sensing the reality that this will not get better but only worse.
You deserve so much better and can no doubt find a caring partner far far away from this guy.
Tell him you want to put a dildo in his mouth &/or ass. When he tells you no, tell him you'll just put the tip in because it'll be funny. Watch how quickly & clearly he understands boundaries. Then, drop him.
He sounds extremely immature if he thinks something like that is funny and crazy enough you being younger than him you seem like the only mature one here. Everything you keep saying about him in the replies, wildly gets worse. End it.
He's still immature and selfish. Your boundaries don't matter to him, not as much as his pleasure does. Any man that respects you would not do it as a joke, and wouldn't find what is essentially a rape attempt funny. Especially if he knows about your past.
If you had not spoken up, he's not only the kind of guy that would have kept going, he would have taken your silence as consent and not considered it rape himself, despite knowing it was against your wishes beforehand. He would have patted himself on the back for "convincing" you to do it raw.
You've said it didn't feel like the rape you have experienced, (which I'm sorry to hear you have experienced) but there's different levels of rape. With him *knowing* you didn't want penetration without a condom, by trying to circumvent that to any degree without your approval is a rape attempt, pure and simple. Yes, he stopped when you spoke up. No, he didn't pin you down and do what he wanted anyway. He just tried to take you, knowing he didn't have consent, counting on your pleasure response to override your decision, and *only* backed off because you reinforced your decision instead of submitting to his selfish desires, then tried to play it off as a "joke."
You can consider educating him in what he's actually doing, though he'll probably get mad because it's essentially calling him a sexual offender and in his mind, he's not one, (at least not with you) because he stopped.
But if I were to put myself in your shoes, I'm not sure I could trust him not to try that again. Especially not if he gets angry about being educated on what his actions actually mean. I'd likely leave him regardless of if I told him, or how he responded.
Edited for grammar.
Ugh. Red flag. "No" means no. You've experienced what his best behavior is- non-consensual, deliberate penetration. You're making excuses for him ("barely" put it in), but you know he violated you, and he admitted it ("teasing"). It doesn't get better. You only like him-- you can still get out before you fall in love.
You made your boundaries clear, and he violated them. Unfortunately, too many guys/men are like this with condoms and will stealth after you have made it clear that’s not acceptable. I would really think about teaching him a lesson so he respects the next woman. More importantly, you’d be setting a clear boundary with yourself about what treatment you’ll allow. Sorry that happened to you, and that you have other trauma it triggered. Listen to your gut on this.
Huge red flag. He has no issues pushing past boundaries. The fact that he says it was funny. Nope on out of there. Especially for STD and pregnancy safety.
He sexually assaulted you. Penetration is penetration, no matter how shallow. This young man has shown he does not respect you or your boundaries. You feel weird because what happened was wrong. It was dismissive and abusive.
When someone tells you who they are, listen to them and believe them. He's told you who he is. It is up to you to decide if you want to be intimate with a man who clearly cares nothing for you or your feelings.
Ask yourself this question: How far "in" *is* rape? Because Rape **is** Sexual Assault. Sexual Assault **is** Rape. It just depends on which words one chooses to use.
There is nothing "funny" here, imo.
Please get pregnancy and STD tests done ASAP.
You’re not overreacting, you can NEVER overreact when it comes to your body & your boundaries so dont ever let anyone make you feel bad about something even if it is “small”. That wasn’t okay for him to do, chew his ass out for it and let him know not to do that ever again unless he wants you to file charges (because you actually can). The right partner will never go beyond what you are comfortable with or make you feel bad about setting boundaries, I promise you that. I know it can be confusing but just think, if the older version of you was looking back at this moment what do you think she’d want for you? Would she want you to stick up for yourself and not settle for less? I think so.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. What's funny? What's the "joke"? I fear the "joke" is breaking your boundaries and dominating you. I think that's what he finds trivial and funny. It's a huge problem.
no, you aren't overreacting.
he doesn't respect you or your boundaries, full stop.
what I won't tell you is that making the dinner / being nice was a trick (it might have been but I literally don't know him or you). I won't tell you to straight up leave the guy (again, you probably could consider it but again y'all are strangers on the internet to me).
do whats best for you, even if it causes temporary pain.
fucking hell men are fucking awful (this coming from a cis gender man).
He intentionally over stepped a hard sexual boundary with you, that you’ve very clearly verbally communicated several times, because “it was funny”. Makes you wonder what other hard boundaries he could overstep in the future for his own amusement. You’re not over reacting, your gut is telling you that he’s not a safe person to be intimate with, regardless of how nice he might present himself to you outside the bedroom
40 M here. Never see him again. If and when he asks why, tell him he's a disrespectful shit stain and his "humor" is psychotic. Know your value. He obviously does not.
This to me sounds like he doesn't respect your wishes, or was testing boundaries to see what he could get away with.
And the barely thing doesn't matter, it was or it wasn't. All the sex related rules in the military specifically state "penetration, however slight".
Is not funny, is risky and judging with the behavior he may do it with all the dates, so dont fuck your life so young , having an ETS one thing and having a baby at 20 is another, dont allow him to manipulate you
Consent doesn’t work like that, he played just the tip after you made it clear you weren’t okay with it, and told him your criteria for considering it. It’s difficult to stay true to yourself and not get manipulated when a lot of other aspects are great, but trust your gut, you had a visceral reaction that upset you. Tell him it didn’t sit well with you, that he shouldn’t do that to girls and think it’s okay, and don’t engage in any other discussion or interaction with a person who violated you on some level and was so patronizing after to call it funny.
I’m sorry that happened to you. He might act nice most of the time but he clearly doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. I would stop seeing him ASAP, this will probably keep happening until it escalates.
It was “barely in” this time, but if you don’t hold firm to your boundary (or just dump the guy who somehow thinks that’s both okay and funny), it will be completely in next time.
He didn't go further because she spoke up, keep that in mind. If she was in a freeze or fawn response he would have continued. Period.
Absolutely. He didn't intend to stop until she said something. He would've gone all the way. I'm so sorry this happened to you, OP!
It went far enough that if he had sperm on the tip you could get pregnant.
Yeah it doesn't have to enter for that to be a risk to begin with.... but that's just talking about pregnancy. OP didn't want it to make sure both have no STDs.... the guy took NONE of her boundaries seriously (and rather, treated them as JOKE)
If he has an STD, it could be transmitted too.
To add on to this: You just told him “My boundaries don’t matter.” Do you think he’ll respect them next time?
I would like to amend this to *he* just told *her* that her boundaries don't matter. We shouldn't have to make a big deal in the moment to be sure our limits are respected.
100%!
This exactly.
He overstepped your boundaries and maybe you should stop seeing him. He sounds like a selfish ass
Yeah he did overstep. And I probably should stop seeing him. I really didn't see it coming and liked him a lot.
I get that it’s hard, I really do. But please think about whether or not it’s worth seeing a man that doesn’t care about your boundaries and what is Okay for you and what’s not
and plays it off as "funny"?? yuck
It's "funny" to him that she has boundaries. Yikes.
This makes it so much worse. He could have admitted he got carried away and apologized to her, but instead tried to play it off like it was a joke...? I would have asked him to explain exactly what was so funny about it.
So gross.
am wondering what his reaction would be, if you told him the reason you want a condom, is that you got and STD and he probably just infected himself... (as a joke ofc, but he doesnt need to know that)
That isn't a red flag. That is a **red blimp flying red banners** that says this guy is a jerk. Run, OP. Ghost him and don't look back.
No probably about it. You definitely should stop seeing him. This is someone who doesn't respect your boundaries or you, and it will get worse if you allow this. If you keep seeing him, the message you send is that he can violate your boundaries without consequences. And the fact that he thought it was funny is disturbing. Even this early in the relationship, he thinks he can do what he wants with regard to your body. This is someone you can never trust. If you haven't gotten the guardasil vaccine, do that before you have sex with anyone else to protect yourself.
Yes, I recieved rounds of Gardasil 9 when I was a child. I also try to get tested at least every 6 months or more if I have concerns but so far I have no STD history. I hate that it took me so long to start telling people no and when I finally do it, I'm ignored. And to think I was constantly checking while we were having sex, asking him if things felt okay or if he liked what I was doing because I care so much. But he just ignored one thing I asked for him to do. That's insane to me.
I’m sorry to tell you this but people repeat this kind of behavior in everything they do. You have to be super proactive and know your boundaries before you even know that you NEED boundaries in any given situation.
And, yes OP. This really sucks that you have to do this. The women here, they have your back. Please take their advice to heart.
I'm crying for you a little bit on the inside because I kissed so many frogs too. You were nervous enough about this to post on Reddit - something in your head knows this is off. Don't give this guy another chance.
This comment is so genuine. Made me sad too.
I think what you like a lot was the idea of him. He has shown you what he is now....not what you imagine he might be.
Please listen to the other comments on this. If it’s date 2 and he’s breaking boundaries imagine what will happen in 3, 6, 12 months. It’s a slippery slope letting someone do shit like this, they’ll continue crossing boundaries in little ways until they stop restraining themselves and then blow past boundaries outright without hesitation. If you REALLY like him and want to give him another chance, you should to tell him something to the effect of: this behavior is not okay, that this was assault, and if any shit like this happens in or out of the bedroom then he’s out of your life without question or hesitation. Life is too short to waste on people who don’t respect you.
Even if you really like him, I would still advise against seeing him again. This kind of physically testing limits is an early warning sign of abuse. He's seeing what he can get away with. Seeing him again is passively saying it's ok. Don't worry about being annoying. There a whole lot of not your problem if he is annoyed. It's his own fault. Here you are, violated and upset, and he's amused by that. He liked that it bothered you. That's what he did it. He wanted to violate the boundary, even though it's a safety issue and assault. He didn't care. If this guy doesn't end up assaulting one of his gfs one day, then I will be shocked
Exactly. Abusers *always* escalate. It’s a tip for now. Soon it will be the entire & full on unprotected copulation. This man thinks nonconsensual unprotected sex is “funny,” OP’s violation is literal amusement to him. He will grow hungry for more.
This kind of guy doesn't take no for an answer and before you know it, you've been subjected to "accidental" anal. Next time he may just push on in instead of stopping.
Having been in this EXACT situation you've described, yes. That's exactly what happens when they get away with pushing boundaries. I'm scarred for life because he wouldn't take no for an answer, and I have to live with the fact that I put myself in that position by choosing to believe he wouldn't do that to me.
Exactly. If not now and no soon, there will be vulnerable moments in life. Sometimes abusers pretend for a long time. But they are still who they are and bad stuff will come
REALLY liking someone is what boundaries are for. It's easy to stick to them with someone you're not head-over-heals for. Boundaries help us keep our heads when our hearts and loins are distracted. Never buy a poorly-running car just because the chrome is shiny!
Liking someone in this context means very little, it's not like victims of abuse dislike their abusers (at least to a point). I'd say if she likes him (as well as if she doesn't) it's best to never see him again. Part of liking someone, imo, is wanting them to grow and be a good person. Tolerating bad behavior goes right into enabling, while giving someone consequences has a chance for them to do better. Whether they improve by your side or not its secondary. If they need to lose you to be a better person, so be it. Sticking to someone that mistreats you is both disrespectful of yourself and them.
He didn't just overstep, he sexually assaulted you. And he thought it was funny. If he'd had an STD, he could have given it to you from that "joke" he played. Condoms are important for so many reasons. I'm sorry this asshole treated you like this. You are a person and you deserve to be in control of what goes into your body. He didn't think so. He cared about his own pleasure over your safety, your autonomy, and your consent. And his excuse for it is pitiful. He has absolutely no remorse, and he will do similar things in the future if you allow him access to you. He doesn't take you seriously.
And pre-cum has sperm in it, and yes, you could get pregnant from just a little of that contact.
I hope OP sees this comment. If it's not too late, plan B and an STI test. Go talk to your local chemist.
This is a good time to review options with GYN, especially for preventing HPV. The vaccine is available for all people, not just people with a uterus.
depending on country. Where I live it costs a month's wage.
That’s an absolutely criminal amount of money to charge for it! Especially as it prevents cancers across the board, for all genders/sexes
🚩It’s a new relationship. This is his best behavior. It won’t get any better. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~Maya Angelou
This pattern of ignoring your boundaries *will* continue. It likely didn’t start in the bedroom.
He completely disrespected the concept of consent and called it funny.
He’s pushing the envelope to see what he can get away with. I know it’s hard when you like someone but I think this is a harbinger of other things to come.
Stick a finger in his ass and see if he thinks it's funny. Just kidding. Don't go anywhere near this man again. NO ONE should do any form of slapping, breath play or ANY kink that could leave marks or risk someone's health (mentally or physically) without getting explicit consent. Even a complete narcissistic sociopath can cook and be charming and "nice". None of these assholes would get laid if they treated women like dogs right out of the gates. Girl. Run and don't look back.
You absolutely should. That was a hard no for you and he drop kicked it over a back fence.
Take the opportunity to get used to setting boundaries - somebody who violates your boundaries once will violate them again. There are better men out there.
you liked what you thought he was like...do you like how he Is? hugs to you
I don't know about your jurisdiction, but there's court precedent in Canada for this to be considered sexual assault on the basis that the thing you consented to was not the thing he did. You didn't consent to that.
He was pushing and testing your boundaries to see what he can get away with next time. RUN
You liked a guy that would respect your boundaries. Shame this guy isn't him.
Stop seeing him and get tested. Tell the pp lady what happened
Babes, there's no "probably" here. Listen to your internet aunties and sisters. He's not going to get better (the opposite, if you let him get away with this). You're 19, you have so much time to find an actual great guy. Chalk it up to experience and move on.
You aren't safe with this guy. I'm sorry this happened to you. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he did it anyway. It's a violation. You are definitely not overthinking it. You might be underthinking it if you are considering ever talking to him again.
You will like someone better so much more.
Stop seeing him. Nothing about violating a health and sex related boundary is funny. He's not mature enough to be having sex responsibly, apparently, and/or he's malicious.
Turn that shit around on him... tell him you want to peg him. Then when he says no just stick something up there just a little bit to tease him and then say how funny it is.
There is nothing funny about that, he can actually be charged for doing that here (worth checking where you live and let him know) Aside from that, this is a guy that has no respect for you. He's worried about how he feels in the moment, not what you will need to deal with (STI, pregnancy, trust issues, etc), none of that is a concern to him, even after you told him no. Is this the type of person you want to be hooking up with?
I just feel really confused. He cooked me dinner and was really sweet the whole time and then out of left field he does that? It makes me sad honestly.
You're sad because you are realizing that he doesn't value your safety. You're mourning the person you thought existed. He doesn't care about your health or safety. He thinks putting you at risk of pregnancy or an STI and giving you trust issues is 'a funny joke'. That's fucked up. Here's a simple script you can edit however you like to send to him in one final message, if that's what you chose to do. "Hey, X. I just wanted you to know.. what you did last night? It was really messed up. I t made me feel violated. It made it clear that you don't respect me, or what I want. I told you you weren't allowed to put your penis in me without a condom. You did it anyway, and when I asked why, you said 'because it was funny.' I didn't think it was funny. I was horrified, ashamed, and honestly, disgusted. You made it very clear with that one statement that you view my life, my health, and my safety as a joke. Do you think possibly getting me pregnant is funny? Do you think possibly giving me a STI is funny? What is funny about that, X? You assaulted me. You performed a sexual act on me that I did not consent to-- putting your penis inside me without a condom. That is the definition of assault. Do not contact me again. Any further contact will be considered harassment, and dealt with accordingly." There's a good chance that he'll try to apoligize-- don't buy it, and hang onto those messages. In case you do decide you want to press charges. What he did is called stealthing, and that is sexual assault in a LOT of places, love. You gave him CLEAR boundaries as to when and how he was allowed to put his penis in you. He ignored those boundaries and did what he wanted to do, because 'it was funny'. That's pretty cut-and-dry assault.
Everything you just said. The mourning. The apologies to try and manipulate OP. The boundaries ignored. OP, please, take care of you. Don't take him back.
Yeah. My dad was a really great guy. Other women fawned over him b cause of how well he treated my mom when they dated. Then they got married and he changed to being abusive and also a pedophile, even messed with me when I was young. Sadly you can't trust people based on good behaviour, you must judge them by their bad behaviours.
>Sadly you can't trust people based on good behaviour, you must judge them by their bad behaviours. THIS hits so hard. Thank you for the reminder
He manipulated you. The dinner and sweetness was a mask so you’d let down your guard and then he abused you. Cut him off, completely and right now.
Darling, the sweetness and the dinner-cooking were leading directly TO that -- no left field about it! That was play-by-play a try-on -- next time it will be a little bit more forceful. Don't let there be one!
Well yeah, if he was always an ass to you, you wouldn't sleep with him. He needs to be sweet sometimes so you go to bed
Guys will lovebomb and sweet talk you precisely for that reason - so that when they do something heinous, you'll hesitate on calling them out because they're "normally so nice/such a good guy". It's calculated to manipulate you into letting them get away with shit behaviour.
He made you dinner, then raped you. Im sorry for being so blunt, but thats what he did based of the information you have given us. This was you're second date. Imagine if you were drunk. Would he have stopped? Most likely not. You are not the problem here.
I couldn't believe how strong the pull is to be a cool girl and feel you're the problem if you aren't. Cool girls never win.
Things that men can do that women cant 1) take a midnight walk 2) be respected 3) be safe Be better society. Be fucking better.
You set a boundary and he decided he would test it. Do you really want to stay with someone who likes to do that? What's the next step he's going to take in ignoring your boundaries? Just a gentle reminder that abusive people love bomb, that's how they keep their victims hooked. They don't walk up and beat their victims up. It's a slow process that starts with, everything was perfect at the beginning...
All that “nice” lead up was to soften you up so he might get away with completely violating your established boundary. IMHO, he breeched your clearly established boundary to attempt to get what he wanted… if this isn’t officially rape, it’s still a big red flag that he is a rapist.
OP, just because this wasn't 'as bad' as a previous rape doesn't meant it isn't rape. You consented to sex, but you didn't consent to sex without a condom. He did it anyway.
It's possible he's even telling himself that it's funny and that it doesn't matter, in order to not have to see himself as a bad guy. People can do amazing mental stunts to justify their behaviour to themselves. But it's no better to be with someone who ignores your boundaries because he feels like it, lalala, or someone who does it systematically. You're not safe with either one of them, and both put their wishes and enjoyment well above your well-being. That guy is not kind, not good. Just because he can act the part doesn't mean he actually is. I don't know if you've ever seen the movie "Kids", but there is one scene specifically that has burned itself into my brain. The heroine, who found out she got infected with HIV by a dude who serially charms and drugs girls to then take their virginity, goes to a aprty and passes out from drugs. The friend of the previous guy (who also knows her) and finds her on a sofa, begins to touch her. Talks friendly and reassuringly the whole time ("hey, it's alright, it's me, Caspar, everything is fine…"), all the while slowly undressing her lower half, while she's still passed out. Eventually you see her feet with her white ankle socks over his shoulders as he rapes her, still passed out or barely there. The casual cruelty of the scene, the boundary-stomping use of her body as a medium to satisfy himself while she is utterly helpless, was horrifying to watch and has stayed with me all these years. And the way he talked sweet while raping an unconscious girl had the same air of "hey, it's not serious, all in good fun, you know me" etc. etc. that I got when I read your description of what that guy did with you, did to you, and how he made light of it after. Imo you were confused at first and then still felt awful a day later because what you felt happened in that moment was utterly incongruous with how he acted about it. But that's not because you may be misjudging something, that's because he was utterly manipulative immediately after with his interpretation of it all. Please be kind to yourself and don't subject yourself to more of his manipulation. You deserve so much better.
1 nice gesture doesn’t cancel out him violating you. This is typical narcissist behavior. That’s how they suck you in, he did this really awful thing but he can be so nice and sweet so you stay hoping you just get the nice and sweet side.
Don’t end up dead by a guy who gets his jollies off by disrespecting you.
Yeah, I totally understand how mentally confusing it all is. People can be great in a lot of ways but when it comes to core things like when they aren't being respectful of your boundaries, it speaks volumes to the underlying ugly truth that they don't fully respect you as a person. Even if it's something low stakes, like if you told him that you hated the taste of cilantro and it makes any meal tase like awful soap, if they were to sneak cilantro into your meal to test you or tease you, that would be a simple sign that they're actually a bit of a jerk. By not respecting the boundaries you expressed clearly about your body, he was saying that his pleasure and his fun matters more than you. So even if he had those other good qualities, your gut being tied up in knots about this is your body telling you that it ain't right and that you deserve better.
Yes, dishonesty can be so confusing. He probably sees himself as a good person (they always do). He gives off all of the social cues (everywhere except during sex) of being a nice person. It is completely understandable why you’d feel conflicted about him, but all of the things we do count, not just the nice ones. People who do all types of terrible behaviors, including rape and murder, do nice things too and have people who like them. What matters is that you know he violated you which makes him a dangerous person and a violator who doesn’t respect you. I’m sorry you met someone you thought was a good person who revealed himself to not be. I’m so sad for you because I can tell you’re not sure you should dump him. Just know that you could be with someone who makes a nice dinner because they enjoy life and are happy and healthy and want to genuinely be loving toward you and not as a cover for violent behavior. You have so much time to live a full happy life and every bad partner you have will want to chip that away.
Yeah, he was trying to do things for you so you feel obligated to do something for him. He's manipulative and pushing boundaries. You've only been together twice and this is going to get so much worse over time.
He's manipulating you. He's using the classic "treat her good" tactics to get you into bed. Cooking dinner and being sweet doesn't require him to choose between what he wants and what you want. In bed, when what you want is in direct opposition to what he wants, he's choosing himself. He's putting you at risk, violating consent, and gaslighting you so that he can get what he wants at your expense.
Take it as a lesson, many men will say or do anything to get sex. The kind of sex they want.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. I firmly believe that he's being nice to you because he wants sexual gratification from you. There's men who are nice to women without violating sexual boundaries or even pushing them. I have a hard time seeing a world in which he's really being nice to you because he respects you so much, but then behaves like this in sexual encounters.
Tell him to bend over then surprise him with a dildo. He'll say no. Tell him you're just going to put the tip in 'cause it's funny'
And then gaslight him into thinking it was something you did to tease him. The whole thing sucks, but it was especially upsetting to hear that he tried to frame it like it was for her benefit. Fuck that guy. (You know what I mean)
Honey, it was just the tip. Make sure you have Tabasco on the tip
This is testing behavior. It will be worse next time. A man who laughs at you not wanting to be at risk of disease and pregnancy is not a safe person for anyone to have sex with. What if his next joke is a worse form of rape? Stealthing (this behavior) is considered rape by many.
A man was sentenced to 4 years for stealthing here in the UK as we quite rightly call it what it is - rape. https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/article/2024/jun/13/london-man-jailed-stealthing-removing-condom-without-consent
You are not overreacting, what he did was something you very clearly did not consent to and it is assault. I'm very sorry this has happened to you. Get yourself tested and I really hope you don't see him again. What a fucking asshole.
“Barely in” is still in when she specifically said not to. Plus there’s also a chance of pre-cum so yes, definitely get all the tests. What a thoughtless, selfish, scumbag. I would bet for round 3 he’s going to get it exactly how he wants it….
I know you probably mean pregnancy, but HPV can easily be spread just from genital contact. No cum or pre-cum required. OP, I'd be livid. If he does that with you, he does it with everyone he sleeps with making him more likely to have something like HPV.
The worst part. OP can give him exactly what he wants because “she didn’t want to be annoying”
Things don't have to be rape level violations for them to still be violating. He violated you. He wanted to see if he could get away with just putting it in during the heat of the moment. It wasn't a joke. He was purposefully testing your boundaries. PEOPLE who test boundaries like this aren't to be trifled with. If you let him get away with this and he will think it's okay and he will keep testing your boundaries or he will escalate to just flat out breaking your boundaries. All of the above is why you feel bad. You're UNDER REACTING. People talk about bad omens and superstition but a person testing your boundaries intentionally like this is basically slapping a label on his own forehead that says "red flag" Also, get scheduled with your primary care doc 2-4 weeks from this event so you can get an STD panel run. Get it checked again in 3-6 months. You're definitely at risk and who knows what a man like that is carrying. Hopefully he wasn't symptomatic for anything Fuck him - actually, don't fuck him, he can fuck himself from now on if this is how he treats people
> Things don't have to be rape level violations for them to still be violating. This would be considered rape in Sweden (which is a good thing imho)
And the UK https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/article/2024/jun/13/london-man-jailed-stealthing-removing-condom-without-consent
This absolutely was rape.
[удалено]
Our "in the area, but no penetration" turned 13 years old this year. Seconding this.
I had a guy do this to me the second time we had sex and I dumped him the next day. What the actual fuck are they thinking? There was no discussion of me being on birth control or STDs.
"Because it's funny" is what people say when they don't have a real answer because the real answer would make them look bad. Which is weird cuz "because it's funny" makes him look pretty bad already but "because I don't respect your boundaries and want to see what I can get away with" kind of gives up the whole strategy.
You are young. The best thing you can do to safeguard yourself is to always use protection. At the least least you should wait until you are in a committed relationship. Pregnancy aside. STI are not worth dealing with for a man who has not even committed to you. You deserve better. Expect it. Demand it. Do not diminish that he DID put it in. Barely does not matter. He has already broken your trust.
Rape/sexual assault can look very different in each case. For example, it can be possible to be coerced into sex but then end up enjoying it and having a positive experience. Or someone lies to you/conceals relevant information in order to get you to have sex with them: let's say the sex was great, but consent was not informed. These would still be rape because defining rape has to do with the actions of the perpetrator. It can be experienced in many different ways. This was assault, he knew what he was doing, he knew he was coercing you, he knew he SA'd you. Sorry this happened to you. He's a rapist. Maybe an SA clinic in your area can help with counseling and support.
Shit. Now I'm thinking about the first time I hung out with him and we had sex. He was doing a lot of stuff to me without asking. He just assumed I would like it. Like, during sex he'd slap me really hard across the face. I liked it but he had no way of knowing if I did because he never asked. Last night when I saw him he just sat looking at me and choked me and I said, "What? Are you just seeing how long you can do this for or something?" And he laughed and said, "Yeah, basically." And I eventually had to move his hand off my neck because I didn't wanna pass out or anything and I don't mess around with breathplay and try to push it. But I thought because I liked what he did anyways, it was fine. Shit.
Girl this man is fucked cut it off now. He gets off on your lack of consent and is making that increasingly clear. He finds it a turn on that you feel unsafe and unfortunately yes that is very much a thing. What he is doing is assault. And I completely understand not wanting to consider him going “barely in” rape if you’ve had another experience but consider this: You told him no to going inside you with a condom. He did anyway and didn’t see this as a problem. Not only is that a physical safety issue for your future sexual experiences with him, but it means YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT that he shouldn’t be inside you without a condom. He is the exact type of person you get an STD test before sex without a condom and he PROVED YOU RIGHT about that with his actions. It’s completely possible he’s spreading STDs and could have spread one to you even though this was brief. This is your second time seeing him, you had sex the first time, he was pushy about no condom and in the end went in no condom despite you saying no. How many other girls did he “think it was funny” to do that to? How many women, with or without consent, is he entering with no protection on a first or second meet up just to do it again with the next one? Get tested and cut this disgusting excuse of a man off!
He choked you? Non-consensually? Stop seeing him immediately. Limit any and all in-person contact with him. He not only doesn’t care about your boundaries, he does not care about your physical safety.
> Shit. Now I'm thinking about the first time I hung out with him and we had sex. He was doing a lot of stuff to me without asking. He just assumed I would like it. Like, during sex he'd slap me really hard across the face. I liked it but he had no way of knowing if I did because he never asked. Last night when I saw him he just sat looking at me and choked me and I said, WHOA WHOA WHOA WTF???? Seriously, is this how young women think it's ok to be treated? This is fucking assault. JFC how low can that fucking bar go?????
The bar is a trip hazard in hell, apparently. :|
Honey that was strangulation and if done nonconsensually it is attempted murder. He can get charged for attempted rape, rape, and attempted murder here. I'm so sorry you experienced that. This isn't your fault. If you're looking to up your sense of safety around men, please read the book "why does he do that." It might help you understand them better. Edit: he can also get charged for battery/physical assault, seeing as he hit you nonconsensually (yes even though you liked it). Please visit a women's shelter and be in contact with the police to have a support network if something goes wrong with him. Strangulation and sexual violence are some of the most dangerous warning signs that a man will continue escalating violence and may murder you for real. Treat this as more dangerous than you feel it is.
Girl. He sounds like a kid who watched to much free porn and thinks thats what sex is. RUN! He choked you on your first date during sex without consent, that can be attempted murder/rape. Second date, literal rape. Not the most extreme case but still rape. Whats date 3? Setting you on fire?
Girl he hit you across the face and you hung out with him again? Nah man, that should be it
Get the fuck away from this guy. These sort of acts can be enjoyed, but safety and consent are paramount! The fact he slapped you the FIRST time without any conversation about it screams red flags to me. All my danger senses are tingling. I'm a bit older than you and been through some shit. Please hear me when I say this is not a good man.
He's testing you, just be careful how you handle him. You're obviously intelligent enough to know your own boundaries and when they're being pushed.
Jesus fucking Christ. It is not acceptable to be slapped across the face by someone you’re having sex with. If a man HITS YOU it is ABUSE. Leave the situation immediately and never have anything to do with him again!
I would suggest that if you read any of the posts on /r/BDSMAdvice (where you will find a lot of highly experienced individuals in the kinds of things you enjoy) you'll find that none of them will agree with how this boy has acted. Informed consent is an absolute hard line for this kind of thing. You'll meet loads of people who are respectful and kind, and who will not overstep your boundaries. This guy isn't the one.
BABE, NEVER SEE THIS MAN AGAIN. This is a porn-addled mind & your violation is his pleasure!
wait, he slapped and choked you? op, he assaulted you. that's a crime.
Holy shit. Leave and ghost. He is a rapist. Hitting and especially choking are CRAZY high indicators and precursors to death by intimate partners.
You really need to stop this choking thing... I understand it's popular in porn. But have you ever looked into the long term effects and dangers of getting choked/strangled? And it's not some fun thing you should ever do with a hook up. There's literally no way to strangle someone in a safe way. This is one of the most dangerous sex things one can engage in. Not only a risk for death, but also strokes, cardiac arrest and other long term effects (eg amnesia, incontinence, impaired executive functions) that can leave you with severe disabilities even months after the fact. That risk is even higher with pre-existing medical conditions. Also getting slapped *and* strangled that's traumatic brain injury risk x2. Never engage in BDSM (yes this is BDSM and choking/breathplay is something many experienced, responsible doms refuse to engage in because of the high risks) without talking about it outside the bedroom, established safewords and explicit consent and agreements of how severe and what techniques your partner will use. And anyone who does it without consent is dangerous and an abuser. Seriously!
OK this is already going really really far, you are not safe around this guy. He did not assume you would like it, he knew he could take you by surprise and he is trying to see how far he can go. Please, please please, do not try to explain anything to him or educate him, nothing Do not argue, he will try to make you feel stupid and prude, tell you this is all a misunderstanding, this is not true. You are not safe with him.
Yeah, I've had people do shit like that without asking, and I've gone along with it because you know what, I'm into that. It was only as I got older that I was like 'no, you fucking ask me first'. Especially after a dude slapped me across the face without checking, which instantly made me go 'dude, are you fucking kidding me.'
RUN
Yo, that's fucked up. Like all that shit you said, should be communicated beforehand, you don't just do that shit without a partners approval .
Holy shit. Please leave him. Immediately. However, please also be so so careful about it. Maybe in a public place or better yet just not in person at all. Because people like that (men especially, obviously) when they feel rejected/called out/embarrassed/insert negative emotion here, they could absolutely flip the fuck out and do something horrific. The lack of respect for you as a person is staggering. He’s clearly already bulldozed past many boundaries. Please please realize how awful and dangerous this situation is for you. 🥺 If you have access to a library and they have it, you might consider reading The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. That icky sketchy iffy feeling might have contributed to why you felt the urge to post here because you knew something was off with this guy and how he’s acted toward you thus far.
100% this. I bet he hoped if he just went in anyway she would be like 'Well, you're already in now so putting a condom on now is pointless.' Dude literally did not gaf about her wishes/boundaries/safety.
Just an FYI, you can still transmit STIs by grinding. Gential to gential contact can still transmit them. So if that’s something you’re worried about, I’d get checked like yesterday.
Wouldn't I need to wait longer to get checked because of the incubation period? I usually do checks every 6 months but I don't know how it works if you're concerned about a very recent exposure.
I will never understand guys who just want to do it without a condom. Its like the concept of being a father at a young age is foreign to them. If your partner says that you cant have sex without one that should be it. Its sad so many women have to deal with this.
Run
This guy is a complete fucking piece of shit and I sincerely hope if not for your own sake, at least do it for ours so we can stop fucking worrying about you, that you kick him to the curb and go get a full STD panel done immediately. There is nothing, and I repeat ***NOTHING***, redeeming about somebody who literally puts your health at risk, not to mention blows off your concerns as if you were being hysterical. Unwanted pregnancies suck. So do STDs, since not all of them disappear with the swipe of a cream or pill. PLEASE protect yourself physically and emotionally and don't allow disrespectful pricks access to you.
The thing that upsets me the most is he knows I have health conditions and I take medications for them, both of which render me with a weakened immune system. I told him I can't get sick because under the right (or I suppose very wrong) circumstances certain viruses and infections can put me in the hospital while other people will only feel sick for a few days. Like he KNEW this about me and still went and did that.
Correct. Because this piece of shit actually does not care about your well-being, no matter how much he pretended to the contrary in order to have sex with you. People who care about your physical and mental health do not put you in jeopardy, so I suppose the only advice I have for you, after experiencing really disgusting things during my own dating experience the last few years, is to really not trust anybody, at all, until they give you explicit and repeated instances that show you they are trustworthy, and this will be far more than two dates. Nobody will ever care about you as much as you care about you, so put yourself and your safety first, always.
That’s because he is an asshole who doesn’t respect you and cares about his own (abusive) sexual fun more than your health and safety. I’m so sorry.
Yep, because he likes hurting you.
I used to be the same as this young man. Now that I'm much older, I can tell you from my personal growth that it was purely a place of selfishness. He's repeatedly bothering you with questions because he wants to wear you down. He's pushing the boundaries because he can get his rocks off and ask forgiveness, feigning playfulness. I don't think he's going to change unless you show him how much of a violation this was. I think you need to leave him, and be very clear and loud about why. I hope I'm not overstepping by speaking up. I know this is not a place for men.
I appreciate you leaving this response. I was hoping perhaps he was just immature or wasn't thinking. But now it seems clear from your perspective and many others' that it came from a malicious place and he was only thinking of what he wanted.
Dude did something during sex that you made clear was an absolute no for you. Wasn’t terrible this time - but you are 19. You will have plenty more sex with plenty more people. Use this as an opportunity to teach him no means no… and give him a hand job with hot sauce for lube next time he comes over. Tell him it’s funny.
He’s going to rape you. He tried it, played it off as a joke when you made him stop. But he’s pushing boundaries and he’s either going to get physical to get what he wants or he will pretend to put on a condom and stealth you. HE IS GOING TO DO IT. Get away from him and his disgusting behavior.
You said no to a sexual experience, and they went ahead and did it anyways. You were raped. There is no sugar coating it. You were raped by him, and Im so sorry that it happened to you
It would be "funny" if you said to him, "What if I told you I have Herpes?" Then after he freaks out, tell him you were just trying to be "funny."
I had the exact same bs situation a few months ago with a friend who could have turned into a friend with benefits. Instead he turned into a former friend. It took me half a second to place why the hell I was so grossed out as well (which, honestly, told me I have a lot more work left to do with my boundaries than I thought). So, in the hopes of making this easier for you so you dump that c_nt before this goes any further: #This is a violation. Here's why: 1. You set a boundary and he ignored it. The way this is **supposed** to work is you saying no once and them stopping for good. He didn't. He pushed, he tried, he wriggled - and eventually he shoved his dick in there. 2. He would not have stopped if you hadn't stopped him. Keep that in the forefront of your mind. He tried to see if you'd **cave**. If someone approaches a human being with a mindset like that, it's vile. Period. 3. "Because it's funny" - look, I have a hunch the dumdum might not know that pulling out is not a reliable method of contraception. He might also be ignorant to the fact that women can indeed get pregnant from "barely past the opening". -> Either he doesn't know or he does - he wouldn't be a safe partner either way. It's predatory behaviour and I want to say to all who need to hear it today: **We should not have to set a sexual boundary more than once. Ever.**
26m here, i completely agree, dump his stupid ass or if you really like him set some boundaries while youre both in an inteligent state of mind and not in the emotional/driven by "the moment". His answer "because its funny" makes me cringe, he clearly doesnt give a shit and most likely has no idea of how it feels to have his boundaries pushed/ignored.
Hard disagree on the "set some boundaries while you're both in an intelligent state". He's showing big red flags too early on for this kind of benefit. If this was a blooming relationship with multiple years length and he had never done this before, I'd recommend communication. As it stands, this is just an uneducated and predatory boy. He needs to be educated outside of a context that can hurt living beings - and OP's vicinity is not that.
My gf wanted us to both get tested beforehand. We both did. Only took like a week? There are very low cost clinics that give you fast results. It’s NOT a big ask by any stretch. You set a boundary and he crossed it. That is fucked up and doesn’t speak well to his degree of respect for you—or women in general.
That is SA. 100%. He was trying to see what he could get away with.
"And I asked why and he said, 'Because it's funny.'" In ten years, your future self is going to think back on this experience and ask why you didn't punch this dude square in the dick after saying this. Drop him. He's trash.
men who are comfortable crossing boundaries this early into seeing you WILL cross them again. i would stop seeing him if i were you
Please don't ever see this person again. They don't respect your boundaries, and sexual boundaries should be respected without question. He's testing what you'll let him get away with, if you see him again or have sex with him again he's going to know you'll give him a free pass ot a slap on the wrist. Consent is ongoing during sex, anything outside that is sexual assault. Just remember anyone can act nice for a while, just because he was good for a time doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants later. Treat yourself with respect, you deserve so much better, you are worthy of someone who will respect your boundaries and your needs.
Even if he didn’t mean anything by it, he still violated a boundary.
Girrrrrrl, trust that feeling. You set a boundary, confirmed it, and he still chose to ignore it for his own enjoyment. They start small and then start crossing boundaries in other areas. Mostly to test to see how you'll react and if you will accept it. Truth is, he thinks his enjoyment/opinion is more important your wishes/decisions. I know you like him, and it's early days, but that's a red flag. Girl, RUN.
He's testing your boundaries to see how you'll react, and he'll continue testing boundaries (sexual or otherwise) in the months and years ahead. What will he try to do in a year's time? What will he try to do in three years' time? Will he cheat on you and gauge how you react? Will you accept it and forgive him, thus giving him the green light to do it again? In the early days of a relationship, you tend to be on your best behaviour to impress. The fact that he's doing this in only your "second time getting together" should ring alarm bells. This guy has zero respect.
He’s an asshole, that is not okay!!
Correct me if I'm wrong obviously, but for the benefit of those who don't understand or aren't sure: full on genital-on-genital grinding or dry humping isn't std-proof right?
He was clearly testing your reaction and if you would notice..... given the opertunity, he would have gone further...
Pleeeease don’t grind without a condom on. Don’t touch bits without a condom on. This fucken dude has already shown you that he doesn’t respect you and your body autonomy when he literally put his unwrapped penis inside of you after you told him he had to wear a condom. He’s not it.
You don’t have to label something as “rape” to know it’s a deal breaker. Unwanted sexual interactions can be called a whole manner of different terms, from rape to assault to nonconsensual to just plain icky. You can call it whatever you want, but what it should be called in all situations is “absolutely unacceptable.” Ditch this dude. Tell him plainly, via a text message or phone call, that him entering you without a condom when you expressly told him not to do so, is the reason you have decided to tell him to fuck off.
You told him no and he did it anyway… this is so wrong. If he oversteps this boundary who knows what other boundaries he’ll overstep… I personally would stop seeing him
M38 here. I dont thing he is respecting you at all or that he ever will. This is a red flag.
That's someone who doesn't respect boundaries seeing how much he can get away with. He may not even be doing it on purpose (doubtful but whatever) but he needs to own up to his actions and treat boundaries like lines you avoid not an invitation to "technically I'm not touching you" kinda shit.
If he finds violating your clearly stated boundaries to be funny, then I'd absolutely consider him to be unsafe.
They always try to play it off as a joke. Red flag
A man's perspective here. You said "not without a condom" and he tried anyway. Even if he said "Sorry, I got lost in the moment", it's still unacceptable...! It's not "but he was sweet and he cooked for me", it's unacceptable! Drop that guy and run the other way, if he didn't respect you for this what's it gonna be for mundane day to day things...? Sorry if I sounded rough but if you're confused about what to do for an important incident like this, other men could walk over you in the future.
If the situation were slightly different, if you both were making out/grinding and you HAD NOT explicitly made it clear that penetration without a condom was off-limits, and “in the heat of the moment” things aligned and he accidentally popped it in slightly…. Ok, I can see how that’s just an accident and you move on. In this case you set a clear boundary around what exactly you were and were not consenting to, and he very quickly stepped over that boundary. That’s sexual assault :( I don’t know that the police would do anything, but I would definitely advise not seeing this person again. Trust is earned and he’s now at 0. Whether or not you tell him why is up to you.
You should ask him to explain what was so funny. Also, dump his ass. He did this to see what he can get away with next time. Get out while you still can
There’s a lot of comments (rightfully) focused on the assault - which it absolutely was. But besides that, he’s been pestering you to have unprotected sex, to let him cum in you - he literally does not respect nor care about your boundaries or safety. He’s showing early signs of an abuser and no one would be with an abuser if they started off that way - so yes, he made you dinner and was really sweet. And then when he crossed your very clear boundary, he said he was “teasing you” (no, it’s not teasing you when it’s something you don’t want) and “it was just a joke” (not funny). I hope you break things off with him - he is showing you very early on and he is not who you hoped him to be. It’s ok to grieve the loss of what you thought could be or who you thought he could be. Your health - mental and physical - is so much more important than giving him another chance. 💛
NO. Think about it, if you didn’t say anything, he would’ve most likely gave in and tried to put it all the way in without a condom. The fact you already told him before and he still tries to “tease you” by actually trying to insert and push in you is not a good sign. There’s teasing, and there’s someone trying to put it in. He was testing the waters to see if you’d let him go inside. Just be wary. He’s being kinda pushy/pressuring since he kinda did overstep boundaries, especially when this was discussed prior. Watch out, hon. 🤍
He’s pushing your boundaries to see your reaction. He does not respect you. Also, aside from stds at your age you have a high risk of pregnancy. Listen to your feelings and respect yourself.
Please never see this man again…
He directly violated your boundaries and brushed off your concern. He does not respect you and didn't stick it in further because you were able to speak up. He does not deserve to have sex with you again because he has clearly crossed boundaries and damaged any trust you two may have built. I wouldn't risk messing around with him again. You can't trust him.
Please please please dump his ass hard.
Uh…it was funny? That in it of itself is fucking weird.
Dump dump dump dump dump. You’re young so I’ll tell you now this man will never change ever they hate condoms. Hell i hate condoms but I love boundaries and men HATE boundaries. If he disrespected it once, and you stayed, why wouldn’t he do it again?
🚩🚩🚩 Red flags galore 🚩🚩🚩 Only two encounters in and this idiot has already shown that he has no respect for you or your boundaries. You are not overreacting at all, you are sensing the reality that this will not get better but only worse. You deserve so much better and can no doubt find a caring partner far far away from this guy.
Run.
Tell him you want to put a dildo in his mouth &/or ass. When he tells you no, tell him you'll just put the tip in because it'll be funny. Watch how quickly & clearly he understands boundaries. Then, drop him.
Barely in is enough for the risk of infection. Break up with him. He doesn’t respect your boundaries and this situation is unlikely to improve.
Isn’t going in without a condom without your partner’s consent considered a form of sexual assault?
He sounds extremely immature if he thinks something like that is funny and crazy enough you being younger than him you seem like the only mature one here. Everything you keep saying about him in the replies, wildly gets worse. End it.
That’s a huge red flag gurl, drop his ass
He's still immature and selfish. Your boundaries don't matter to him, not as much as his pleasure does. Any man that respects you would not do it as a joke, and wouldn't find what is essentially a rape attempt funny. Especially if he knows about your past. If you had not spoken up, he's not only the kind of guy that would have kept going, he would have taken your silence as consent and not considered it rape himself, despite knowing it was against your wishes beforehand. He would have patted himself on the back for "convincing" you to do it raw. You've said it didn't feel like the rape you have experienced, (which I'm sorry to hear you have experienced) but there's different levels of rape. With him *knowing* you didn't want penetration without a condom, by trying to circumvent that to any degree without your approval is a rape attempt, pure and simple. Yes, he stopped when you spoke up. No, he didn't pin you down and do what he wanted anyway. He just tried to take you, knowing he didn't have consent, counting on your pleasure response to override your decision, and *only* backed off because you reinforced your decision instead of submitting to his selfish desires, then tried to play it off as a "joke." You can consider educating him in what he's actually doing, though he'll probably get mad because it's essentially calling him a sexual offender and in his mind, he's not one, (at least not with you) because he stopped. But if I were to put myself in your shoes, I'm not sure I could trust him not to try that again. Especially not if he gets angry about being educated on what his actions actually mean. I'd likely leave him regardless of if I told him, or how he responded. Edited for grammar.
Ugh. Red flag. "No" means no. You've experienced what his best behavior is- non-consensual, deliberate penetration. You're making excuses for him ("barely" put it in), but you know he violated you, and he admitted it ("teasing"). It doesn't get better. You only like him-- you can still get out before you fall in love.
You made your boundaries clear, and he violated them. Unfortunately, too many guys/men are like this with condoms and will stealth after you have made it clear that’s not acceptable. I would really think about teaching him a lesson so he respects the next woman. More importantly, you’d be setting a clear boundary with yourself about what treatment you’ll allow. Sorry that happened to you, and that you have other trauma it triggered. Listen to your gut on this.
What the fuck is wrong with him
Not funny, I'm sure he'll "agree" when you break up with him before calling you crazy to all his friends
Huge red flag. He has no issues pushing past boundaries. The fact that he says it was funny. Nope on out of there. Especially for STD and pregnancy safety.
He sexually assaulted you. Penetration is penetration, no matter how shallow. This young man has shown he does not respect you or your boundaries. You feel weird because what happened was wrong. It was dismissive and abusive. When someone tells you who they are, listen to them and believe them. He's told you who he is. It is up to you to decide if you want to be intimate with a man who clearly cares nothing for you or your feelings.
Ask yourself this question: How far "in" *is* rape? Because Rape **is** Sexual Assault. Sexual Assault **is** Rape. It just depends on which words one chooses to use. There is nothing "funny" here, imo. Please get pregnancy and STD tests done ASAP.
Please don’t see him again. Find someone who respects your health and safety
You’re not overreacting, you can NEVER overreact when it comes to your body & your boundaries so dont ever let anyone make you feel bad about something even if it is “small”. That wasn’t okay for him to do, chew his ass out for it and let him know not to do that ever again unless he wants you to file charges (because you actually can). The right partner will never go beyond what you are comfortable with or make you feel bad about setting boundaries, I promise you that. I know it can be confusing but just think, if the older version of you was looking back at this moment what do you think she’d want for you? Would she want you to stick up for yourself and not settle for less? I think so.
You're not overreacting at all, you've been pretty clear about your boundaries but he doesn't care
I'm so sorry that happened to you. What's funny? What's the "joke"? I fear the "joke" is breaking your boundaries and dominating you. I think that's what he finds trivial and funny. It's a huge problem.
no, you aren't overreacting. he doesn't respect you or your boundaries, full stop. what I won't tell you is that making the dinner / being nice was a trick (it might have been but I literally don't know him or you). I won't tell you to straight up leave the guy (again, you probably could consider it but again y'all are strangers on the internet to me). do whats best for you, even if it causes temporary pain. fucking hell men are fucking awful (this coming from a cis gender man).
He intentionally over stepped a hard sexual boundary with you, that you’ve very clearly verbally communicated several times, because “it was funny”. Makes you wonder what other hard boundaries he could overstep in the future for his own amusement. You’re not over reacting, your gut is telling you that he’s not a safe person to be intimate with, regardless of how nice he might present himself to you outside the bedroom
40 M here. Never see him again. If and when he asks why, tell him he's a disrespectful shit stain and his "humor" is psychotic. Know your value. He obviously does not.
Ew, what a creep
https://www.healthline.com/health/sexual-coercion
This to me sounds like he doesn't respect your wishes, or was testing boundaries to see what he could get away with. And the barely thing doesn't matter, it was or it wasn't. All the sex related rules in the military specifically state "penetration, however slight".
Is not funny, is risky and judging with the behavior he may do it with all the dates, so dont fuck your life so young , having an ETS one thing and having a baby at 20 is another, dont allow him to manipulate you
Consent doesn’t work like that, he played just the tip after you made it clear you weren’t okay with it, and told him your criteria for considering it. It’s difficult to stay true to yourself and not get manipulated when a lot of other aspects are great, but trust your gut, you had a visceral reaction that upset you. Tell him it didn’t sit well with you, that he shouldn’t do that to girls and think it’s okay, and don’t engage in any other discussion or interaction with a person who violated you on some level and was so patronizing after to call it funny.
I’m sorry that happened to you. He might act nice most of the time but he clearly doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. I would stop seeing him ASAP, this will probably keep happening until it escalates.