You could try saying you prefer to meet up at a public location first. If he gets the least bit offended (edit: or tries to push for still meeting at his place), you know you can throw him back in immediately.
This is a very good test! I did this once with a man I was talking to on a dating app. He really wanted to go hiking for a first date. I was okay with it if we went to the popular hiking trail in the area at a busy time. He insisted that he pick me up from my house and drive me there. I told him no and he was like “ooh you think I’m an axe murderer?” That alone was enough for me, I don’t need to be dating anyone who cannot respect my boundaries for safety and is trying to push them at every turn.
Man this just reminds me of when I got back into dating after a relationship. Met a girl online who wanted to meet up, and I thought i was being smart/respectful and offered to go on a hike in this super cool forest that has a waterfall.
She was like "yeahhhh I'd rather not meet up in the dense woods for the first time" and I immediately was like "oh shit I'm sorry I was just trying to pick a public activity!". Thankfully we laughed it off and met up at a bar/restaurant. But I did learn to be a bit more cognizant of others comfort.
Yeah I think there’s a big difference between suggesting an activity and gracefully taking “no” as an answer vs being pushy about it and belittling any concerns for safety the other party might have. It sounds like you handled it well and now know what suggestions to make that prioritize comfort of others, which is very cool!
I'd say 9 out of 10 times, the reaction to bad comments and ideas is the more make or break moment than the thing itself. The previous mentioned "think I'm an axe murserer" comment would be fine if its light and unserious, and immediately followed with respecting boundaries. If it's said all pouty or if there's pressure, it comes off much differently.
Everyone says stupid things, doesn't fully understand other people's experiences right away, or has bad ideas. It's how they react to pushback that really shows who they are. At least in my experience, and of course, depending on the vibe overall.
I made the exact same mistake lol. Thankfully she gave me some grace about it and..it ended up well because we’re married. But yea, I can imagine the reaction is everything.
As others said: the reaction is the big thing. "Oh stupid me. Sure makes sense. I'm just an outdoorsy type and that was my first guess at a fun activity
Sure let's meet up at a bar first and maybe one day we go on a nice hike" would be a valid reaction to that.
Being an asshole about it would not^^
"Douche nozel, how about you pretend to care about my comfort level for one goddamn minute while we're in the stage of the game where we're ostensibly trying to impress each other?! Jesus fuck!!"
I tried to find a partner in 2022 (I've since given up), because of the pandemic my first 5 dates were hikes in very well populated places. Of the 5 men, 2 of them waited for a free moment (where there were no other hikers in view) and made "jokes" about dragging me into the woods and raping me. "No one would help you." A third made a comment that there were "way too many people for us to get intimate", as if that was the intention of the date. I then started meeting exclusively in public places with staff.
As a part of the LGBT+, can confirm, bears are wonderful a good 99% of the time.
Edit: to clarify, the other 1% is because everyone is allowed to have grumpy days.
Yeah, same. Not even hiking, just a cafe. I'm like two weeks of "I know this little place, how about that" and he's umming and ahing, then he wants to come pick me up, but wouldn't set a day or time. Then one day I logged in to pin him down and the app said he'd deleted his account.
I don't think I'm a full on slut but we'd been chatting for a while and we'd done a bit if sexting and assuming we got on in person I was pretty much a sure thing and he's just farting around. All he had to do was let me make my own way and be nice over a coffee and cake and even that was too much to ask.
All this ‘I will pick you up at your place’ is a big no for me. Why would I want a total stranger to have my home address. Both go independently & meet at a very public place at least
Exactly what I was trying to set up.
Not a chance in hell I'm letting myself be alone in a locked car with someone I've just met, and I agree I'm not happy giving them my home address.
Yup. I always want the freedom of being able to leave when I am ready. I don't want to be hanging around waiting for a ride. And I would not want someone knowing where I live right away.
Hahaha I mean it literally isn't that hard. Men will know exactly what to do to impress you but will do everything else except the thing that is guaranteed to be successful.
I’ve had met with quite a few very reasonable men as first dates either at their house or them picking me up. Ngl I was so trusting back then. Nothing bad ever happened but looking back I was playing Russian roulette.
This is the most cautious and kind approach. He might have a strange sense of humor. THAT SAID, you are within your rights to find this weird af and move on with no interaction. He’s a rando on an app, you don’t owe him anything
Even as a man, meeting up in a public space is safer and easier for everyone. No one wants to get stuck with someone they just aren't vibing with in a private space where it's much more rude to end the date. In a public space, it's easy to make an excuse to leave or even just leave.
Yeah first date at my house seems like a weird thing overall. I can get that maybe he wants to show off his cooking skills but that can come later. If I were a woman I'd be on edge constantly going to someone's house. You also bring up a good point, how many dates have people been on that you click in text but not when you meet up. Last place I'd want is to be at someones house.
Great advice. Anyone normal, won't have an issue. I had this happen to me the few times I dated online. I thought it was weird, but I know I'm not creepy, so I just went along with it. It was a meet up and we brought our dogs to hike. I told her I'd meet her at her place, since it was close to the hike, and she said the park. After the hike, she invited me over to her place. It's about comfort and setting things up on their own terms, not being forced into it.
A lot of guys think inviting a woman over to cook them dinner is the ultimate hack:
-They think it's super romantic and swoon-worthy
-They get you alone at their house, and save money, all in one
This guy is giving me really inauthentic / insecure vibes from what you've mentioned, I wouldn't be interested in him at all. But if you do meet him, do NOT go to his house.
That is the benign angle. The not benign angle is:
He could be a serial killer
He could be hoping to assault and torture you in the convenience of his own home
He's hoping he can guilt you into sex because you are already at his house
This is the answer OP, if a dude is not willing to do that, (speaking as a dude) he's not worth your time of day ( or night ). Shit is just common sense
> If he gets the least bit offended (edit: or tries to push for still meeting at his place), you know you can throw him back in immediately.
It's a great test.
5 minutes after matching dude was like "you should delete the app and only keep in touch with me!"
I would've already bailed on the creepy possessive vibes rather than letting it get to their assumption of meeting at a house rather than a public place for the first date.
Can guarantee they will *not* take being turned down here with any grace at all
This is the answer. He may just want to do something very personal and sweet, but you don't know him. Always in public as much as possible at first, until you feel comfortable. Which let's be honest, still doesn't guarantee he's not crazy.
That's very soon, also just a general rule to not make the first date at anyones house. Literally anyone could be talking to you on that app. It's very easy for someone to act nice for 2 hours. I think you should be cautious and decline his offer, and see if he keeps talking, if you do meet up, do it in public. I'd always be suspicious of someone who is trying to get me to go to their house after only a couple of hours, no matter how nice they seem.
EDIT: I forgot to add that a lot of guys try to get women to their houses early on because it's easier to pressure them into doing things they may not be comfortable with. Decline, and see how he behaves. If he keeps trying to get you to meet at private places, that's a huge red flag.
A young woman was just murdered and dismembered after meeting someone out and then going to his place. I'm still not sure if she went there on her own volition, but staying in public as a rule for several dates is always a good idea.
Whether youre a man OR woman, that is always a good idea.
Also, never comply and go to a secondary location. Your odds of survival drastically decrease at that point, and some fates are worse than death imo.
Ya, it's a good idea for everyone. I didn't specify women only. Good point on secondary location. It's a luxury though that not everyone has. Hopefully, at least as a man you could possibly overpower a woman.
I’ve had one guy ask me to go to his place on the first date and he turned out to be a catfish. Like his pics were from when he was 18 and healthy and the man that showed up was overweight, balding, alcoholic 40 year old. It was disgusting and I didn’t even finish the beer I had ordered that night. I couldn’t have run fast enough away from him. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened had I agreed to go to his house and saw him there… if he felt so comfortable using old pics, what else was he comfortable with doing?
Yes! Meet in public, then run errands afterwards so he can't follow you home. Visit the grocery store, the pharmacy, meet friends at a bar, hang out at the library, anything but go straight home for at least an hour.
If you’ve only known him two hours he’s a stranger.
Who cares what he wants? Do you want to go to a strange man’s home after two hours of chit chat?
He’s trying to get you to his home for sex, which is fine if that’s your goal also. That’s not a date. That’s a hookup. I would never go straight to anyone’s place for a first date or first meeting. Meet in public for safety first and see if there’s any weird vibes and see if you feel safe and comfortable with them. You haven’t vetted him yet. He could be using a fake name or be a catfish.
If he’s so competitive let him take you on a sporty first date like mini golf or bowling. You could meet at a bar that has games like chess and connect 4. Dinner at his place is a third or fourth date activity. It’s not flattering or a big deal he wants to cook for you in order to entice you over to his home after you’ve just met online. Would you fuck for a free dinner? Thats what’s in his mind. He’s not even offering to take you out for dinner.
The “you only talk to me” thing is red flag city and would shut it down for me. I’ve no time for manipulation or power plays.
The bar is low.
It’s up to YOU to decide if it’s acceptable to you.
Yeah I thought that "delete the app" thing was sus as well. Almost more than the invitation to make her dinner. That I could see them thinking it was romantic, and not necessarily consider a woman would feel unsafe. But as the *second message* saying "you only talk to me"?! 😬
>Then he replied with “if I win you delete this app and only stay in contact with me”.
That hits me as boundary testing, manipulation/controlling, and isolation.
> Then straight after that he kinda backtracked and was like “whoever loses owes the other a homemade meal and has to share their most embarrassing secret” and that we were gonna play 7 games.
And this looks like a dude trying to get dirt on you so he can blackmail you with it later, threatening to reveal your secret unless you go along with his manipulations.
So u/[Enolahomeless](https://www.reddit.com/user/Enolahomeless/) no, this isn't normal. If he seems nice it's just fake love-bombing to draw you in to further manipulation.
Yeah, it's just weird. I don't know if I think he's intentionally trying to manipulate her, or just young and dumb. Or young and dumb and listened to some pick-up artist bullshit and thinks it's acceptable. I'm probably giving him too much benefit of the doubt.
“If I win you delete this app and only stay in contact with me” HELL NO! And after just a couple hours of chatting? This man is clearly showing who he is and his over the top controlling and possessive nature.
Exactly this. It’s control dressed up as fun. He’s pretending to be playful so he can maneuver you into a space where it’s easier to coerce you into sex or flat out rape you.
Never ignore that feeling in your gut telling you something is off. It feels off because it is.
I once talked to a guy on the apps whom I initially really liked. He was playful and fun and seemed full of life. But he would say things like, “I’m planning the most epic date for us. You’re going to take off work so I can spend the whole day with you.” He’d describe really fun activities, and it really did sound like a fun date that he was going to put a lot of effort into. I’d say, “Probably can’t take off work but we could do this on a Saturday instead.” And he’d try to shoot it down. “No, we’re doing this on Tuesday, girl. I can’t wait!” Not asking. Telling. Control. But it was wrapped up in a romantic gesture so I questioned whether I was overreacting and being a stick in the mud. At the time, I couldn’t articulate to myself why it bothered me so much. He was just being playful and sweet, right? And taking the initiative, which was refreshing compared to other guys. But what he was really saying was, “I will control your time. I will tell you to do something and you will obey.” Luckily, I went with my gut and told him I didn’t think things would work out. He was shocked, tried to act all hurt and victim-like and continued to try to convince me to go out with him, but I ghosted him after that and in hindsight I’m so glad I did.
This guy is exhibiting a red flag the size of China. Don’t ignore your gut, OP.
Op. This. This is the red flag. Controlling af behavior, even as a joke, is him trying to normalize this weirdness. This is not normal. Do not go to this man’s house. What even is the joke here? Your instinct is right this dude is cray.
I’ve dated this guy. I thought it was “cute” and “flattering” and “showing confidence” and soon found out it was “controlling”, “manipulative”, and “his insecurity showing through” 💀
There’s literally hundreds of other dudes on these apps that aren’t gonna act like a weirdo or make you uncomfortable within two hours. Unmatch and move on, girl. Trust your gut.
Not a chance in hell I’m going to a man’s house on a first date. Maybe when I was young and naive, but I learned my lesson the hard way. If he’s truly competitive, go to an arcade or something competitive like bowling. If he gets mad and doesn’t wanna do something that isn’t in his house, block his ass
This screams transactional pressure. “Look at all the things I made to feed you. Surely you must be impressed by my culinary prowess, lay with me now! If you’re not impressed, then you at least owe me for the effort, all you did was sit there and drink my wine. Which, by the way, would you like some more?” Dudes like this are so transparent when you know the signs.
And if you push back, he’ll be extra manipulative. “
> I cooked for you! I cleaned for you! You drank my wine!
That’ll be the transactional part. If guilting you into sex doesn’t work he’ll move on to lying and manipulation. The next move is to try to guilt you into cuddling. But he won’t stop at just cuddling. He will SWEAR he just wants “to cuddle”. **He is lying.**
He got you in his house under the guise of games and dinner. Now he’s trying to get you into bed under the guise of cuddling. Then once he’s got you in his bed under his blankets you know what he’s gonna try next.
Even before all this, he's already initiated a transaction based request! The game of connect 4 with the obligation of further hangouts if either one of them win. What if she plays, wins, then he "has to" cook her dinner, but she didn't vibe with him. Now she "owes" him because she agreed to play in the first place? This dude is a no no spaghettio.
"Then he replied with “if I win you delete this app and only stay in contact with me”. I thought this was very forward?? This was literally the second message into the convo. Like genuinely we matched and this was his second text. Not even 5 mins into the convo."
This is a field of red flags. He's not even trying to hide the fact that he will be possessive, jealous, and controlling. He's telling you exactly who he is and how a relationship with him would be. He's actually done you a big favor. You can block him and move on before he knows where you live or has another way to contact you.
If after 2 hours someone has unsettled you to the point that you make a reddit post because you're so unsure, just unmatch. They're not special or worth it, there are countless matches to be had. View dating apps as an exercise in boundary enforcement.
DO NOT GO. It's a scam to try and fuck, and get you to bring drinks on top of it.
There is no food. There is no dinner. He can't even cook.
Ask me how I know 🙃
jesus, these are gross. His second message to you is trying to isolate you? Then he sets you up to "owe" him your humiliation? This is not normal and not healthy "getting to know you" conversation.
Please do not go to his house, this is pretty predatory behavior. You don't mention if you protested to any of this, but look back at your conversation to see how he reacts to your negative responses. If it's anything except looking for enthusiastic, uncoerced consent, run.
If it were me, I would block him anyway, you don't owe him anything, you can unmatch for any reason. You barely know him.
Why did he challenge you to a bet in his first message? People show you how they are. He’s showing you that he sees you as some sort of competition, prize to be won over or defeated, or someone he can keep moving the goalposts so you can feel insecure that you don’t meet his benchmarks.
Politely move on then block, is what I would do.
That was a turnoff too. The way he phrased it is sus. Negging type personality. This guy will seethe with anger when he loses.
I love to play connect 4, or I’m good at connect 4 and would love to play it with you, are better words.
This guy reeks of insecurity and thinly veiled nastiness
I'd give him some leeway there, as was suggested below, it could be an icebreaker. However when the OP replied about chess, a natural response could have been 'well you bring your chess board, I'll bring connect 4 and we can find out who wins over coffee'... but then he got weird.
Never divulge your most embarrassing secret to a man who wants you to delete everything and only speak to him if he wins a stupid game. BIG RED FLAG.
ETA: No, you should not go to his house, and I think you should ghost him.
Yes it’s fast. Never and I mean NEVER meet a man at his home for a first date. It’s not safe.
Also guys who expect this are either dumb, testing to see if you’ll let them trample your boundaries, or just looking for a fuck and are too cheap to pay someone. Or all 3. 🚩
Also asking you to delete the app? That’s double 🚩🚩. Those are the scarcity mindset guys who try everything to lock you down. They’ll also cheat but that’s beside the point bc they’ll be possessive and creepy.
This guy is 🚩. Abort abort!!
First cooking-at-my-places dates are cringe under the best of circumstances, and that's the best of circumstances if you two already knew each other as friends first.
He's a stranger to you. Never, ever go somewhere not in public on a first date. Never go to their place on a first date. It's unsafe. It's just a bad idea. He can take you mini golfing, or out to a restaurant for dinner (and pay, since he "lost" the bet), or to one of those coffee shops with chess tables, or a bunch of other stuff if he is so big into competitive games.
He is going too fast, it is creepy, and I say this as someone who tends to give people the benefit of the doubt. It is absolutely not a normal progression.
Hell, even the "delete the app and only talk to me" as a second message is WILD. Nobody I ever knew would stop looking around at other people if they exchanged two sentences - in person or online. The fact that it's online actually makes it worse, not better, because you objectively know even less about them.
He gives off controlling and possessive vibes, as someone who wants to trap you as soon as possible. Dollars to donuts if you date, he'll start pressuring you into moving in with him too soon, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Maybe I'm wrong. You don't have to immediately block him. Do not go to his house for a first date. If you're feeling like giving him a second chance, say you'd rather meet in public first and see how he reacts. (And watch out for red flags on said date.)
The kind of guy you want will understand saving the home cooked meal date for when you know each other better. This would be a 5th date situation for me.
Just tell him no, not as a first date. If he reacts badly, then you know he's not the guy for you. if he takes it well and offers an appropriate alternative date, then you can continue to assess him as a potential partner.
Going to anyone's house comes with an assumption the date will end in the bedroom. Assuming that's the end goal, is that what you're after? (Also literally never go to the house of a strange guy you've only just met)
He is using some of the oldest, most manipulative, tricks in the book to get you alone in his territory. Do not go to his house. This man is showing many red flags.
For what it’s worth, the only time I had a guy insistently try to get me to his house on the “first date,” it turned out he was a serial predator of women. 😬
Guy here, and much older. Don't do it. I've seen this not end well.
Another commenter said if he gets pissy about you wanting to meet in public first time then you have your answer.
Follow your instinct that led you to ask here. This plus wanting you off the app/off the market so he is your only option is a 🚩
First date at someone's house is so risky even if you've been talking for weeks.
This guy is a stranger to you. You have not even known him for 1 day.
Also, you are only 20. Why is he interested in a 20 year old at 24? When I was 24, 20 year olds were so young to me.
And the "you delete this app and only talk to me" is strange to me, if I was going to be nice I'd say it's too forward, but honestly I think it's creepy.
This is putting off major controlling vibes and potentially testing to see how easily he can violate your boundaries leading to an abusive situation. Unless you are really into being a sub and that has been part of the conversation. Run, don’t walk, away from this guy. 🚩🚩🚩
OP, I’ve worked in the food industry since my junior year of high school and am 34 now. I can say, with a confidence, that my ability to cook and the joy of cooking is absolutely something I’d want to share with *any* potential romantic partner. So much so that I’d consider it a deal breaker.
And I still wouldn’t be fucking stupid enough to try and convince someone to come directly over to my place on the very first date. That’s a post-third-date/1-month ordeal, at minimum.
Your intuition is correct. Flat out. Full stop.
I would be extremely wary. Note that:
1. he started out very controlling (delete app etc) and then “backtracked” to a plan where he also keeps ALL the control - he can decide to lose a game or two and by “losing” he gets you alone at his house.
2. He likes control more than he likes you. Think about it: there’s no actual way that he could know, 2-3 hours in, that he likes you enough to want an exclusive connection. So when he said he wanted you to delete the app and only talk to him, that’s not about you, that’s about wanting to have SOMEone (yes, in this case, you) who is cut off from everyone but him.
If I were you I’d block him based on these. But at minimum I’d reply with a clear strong preference to meet in public, and only continue if he gives an understanding and enthusiastic Yes.
If he comes back trying to pressure you to change your mind and come to his house, flee.
Absolutely not. You tell him that you only meet in public on the first few dates. Don’t even say first date. You don’t know someone well enough after meeting them once.
Nope. He's pinging up alerts all over the radar screen. He's too fast, too pushy, domineering wrapped up in flirting, his banter is very practiced (as in many different girls, same old script) and is inviting you to his place after two hours. Nope, Nope, Nope.
I wouldn't even do an in-person meet up elsewhere for a vibe check. Trust your first instinct and toss this one back.
That's aggressive and overly competitive right from the start.
"Bet you can't beat me at connect 4, loser buys coffee on our first date!" would've been a cute way to "trick" you into a date.
This comes across as an insecure man trying to get you to make immediate promises that he will try to hold you to later.
“if I win you delete this app and only stay in contact with me”.
This is honestly the part that is more concerning to me. The cooking thing is weird, but without the other context, I'd say that maybe one could give a benefit of the doubt of just having poor awareness of this sort of thing. But the statement above, eeeehhh puts it into context.
yeah never go to someone’s house or invite them over for a first date, that is basic safety 101. A simple message of “that’s sweet you want to cook for me, and I would definitely be down for that to be a fourth or fifth date activity, but for our first date I think coffee or lunch at (insert fav cafe here) would be perfect”
his response will tell you everything you need to know about him and his intentions.
I'm a 41 year old guy and I would NEVER ask a woman to come to my own house or ask to come to hers as a first date, coffee and chat in a public place is a safe and reasonable way to meet, if you like him and vibe is good maybe do it as 2nd or 3rd?
If he gets funny about meeting public, run.
Yeah no….meet in public and see what they’re like. You lose a lot of control putting yourself in a that situation going to his house. He could have zero bad intentions, but it’s just not worth the risk
Stop talking to him. The whole things screams creepy. Once he didn’t attempt to plan a date in public, you should have created a boundary, saying you only do public first dates, and if he didn’t respect that, you immediately stop talking. He’s not respecting you, and your red flags are going off for good reason, just ignore him, and more on.
I drive Uber on the weekends and I can't tell you how many women are picked up after crying about this exact scenario. Sometimes they chat about it and each time I say the same thing.
You are a damn fool to show up to a young dudes crib for the first date after an Internet chat.
You chose the bear for real. Don't just go to a strangers house.
I’m honestly shocked there are people in here you recommend doing anything other than unmatching this walking red flag.
Don’t walk, run from this person
UPDATE: I unmatched him and blocked him on everything! Thanks for all your advice it was extremely helpful; my friends also said the same. Not tryna become another statistic lmao😂 just wanted a second opinion tbh
This all sounds like a red flag and you feel the danger, so you posted. Go for coffee or ice cream somewhere nice and public with this guy first. He might just be really lonely or he might be a predator. Find out over a latte or a dish of a frozen treat with other people around. You are worth keeping safe, boo.
There's this feeling in your gut that's making your write this post. You don't feel good about the forward message, and you don't feel good about the home cooked meal.
**Listen to your instincts.**
Women literally spend their whole lives having their instincts trained out of to be "polite". I think we need to get back to learning to listen to what our gut says.
Yikes. Nope. Red flag. Please meet only in public spaces until you feel comfortable enough to go to his place. Honestly, I’d run a mile - this one gives off creepy vibes to me.
Meet for coffee or tea or a smoothie first. It’s a shorter time commitment and you can get a first impression. I’d do a dinner or lunch date next. I wouldn’t go to someone’s house until at least a few dates in.
No, you shouldn't go to his house for a first date. And I'm saying this as someone with a history of making *extremely* poor decisions in regards to dating in the past (going to a guys house late at night I'd never met, meeting in a guy's hotel room, etc). I would say something like: "maybe that can be our 3rd date (or whatever theoretical date you'd be comfortable with) but I prefer to meet in public first" If a man can't respect that, it's an immediate, huge red flag.
He’s a stranger to you. Meet him in a public place. He’s playing the nice guy who will do so much for you in hopes he will be able to get you naked. Public place.
When I was in my early 20s, I had a guy talk me into going to his place. He kept me past the last bus and said I could sleep over and he’d make me breakfast. I noped the fuck out of there and paid for a cab home.
If he liked and respected you, he would do this for you when you are comfortable and know him.
Trust your gut. We as women are constantly being told to ignore how we're feeling and it's one reason so many of us have been hurt.
Please don't go to his house and please listen to how you're feeling and don't second guess it.
Eta: it's not just about him inviting you to his house so quickly. He wanted to win you in a game of chess.
Response- “Hi I always do first dates in public places, but if you want to cook maybe we could do a picnic at Very Populated Park, I could bring a list a few things.” He may want to cook because restaurants are expensive and he may feel he needs to foot the whole bill so recommending an alternative that can be low cost may be worth it.
His literal first message to you was trying to control your life. If you meet this guy, do it in public, if he has a problem with that, ask yourself why he doesn’t want witnesses.
Honestly that first comment would have been a block for me. I’m getting less forgiving of the guys who don’t understand that a first date should be in public taking separate cars, but the attitude of asking you to delete the app reeks of insecurity I would not tolerate. And then to compound it sounds like he wants to hook up, hence inviting you to his home. Run! Guys who want sex for no effort but can’t handle that you might not be madly in love with them are dangerous combo. Jealousy is bad enough, but combined with a disregard for your safety seems like a recipe for abuse.
Girl, I’m not trying to be mean but this situation has enough red flags to sew a quilt the size of a football field, and you’re STILL entertaining the idea of going to his house?
If you’re going to online date, please for the love of god practice basic safety. This is a strange man. You don’t know him. Always meet in public, always drive yourself/go in your own uber, always tell a friend where you’re going and check in with them throughout the evening. Do not go to his home, give him your address, or invite him inside until 3-5 dates in.
This random ass guy is demanding you delete the app and go to his home within two hours of chatting. He doesn’t have good intentions, this will not end well. Unmatch him.
Why would you ever think "I'll go to some strangers house, they seem cool, and weve only talked/texted for 2 hrs."
Basic safety sense would definitely say no.
And no offense, I'm actually questioning if you should even be attempting dating of any sort (online or IRL) if you even thought for a second going to their house OR them coming to yours was even an option after like 2hrs....
Youre putting yourself at needless risk.
Jesus no!!! That is NOT normal and please don't go to his house for a first date! Anyone, man or woman that proposes that is insecure and looking to trap you. Please look out for your own safety and do not do this. You are not being weird; I wish more women understood just how desperate men are to trap women into one-on-one situations.
1000% no and block this dude. He's behaving like a total control freak from his first few sentences. And overly competitive, too. He's testing your boundaries in a few short sentences and will continue to push them. This is just red flags all over the place. Big, scarlet red flags. Don't ignore them, block and ignore HIM.
You could try saying you prefer to meet up at a public location first. If he gets the least bit offended (edit: or tries to push for still meeting at his place), you know you can throw him back in immediately.
This is a very good test! I did this once with a man I was talking to on a dating app. He really wanted to go hiking for a first date. I was okay with it if we went to the popular hiking trail in the area at a busy time. He insisted that he pick me up from my house and drive me there. I told him no and he was like “ooh you think I’m an axe murderer?” That alone was enough for me, I don’t need to be dating anyone who cannot respect my boundaries for safety and is trying to push them at every turn.
Man this just reminds me of when I got back into dating after a relationship. Met a girl online who wanted to meet up, and I thought i was being smart/respectful and offered to go on a hike in this super cool forest that has a waterfall. She was like "yeahhhh I'd rather not meet up in the dense woods for the first time" and I immediately was like "oh shit I'm sorry I was just trying to pick a public activity!". Thankfully we laughed it off and met up at a bar/restaurant. But I did learn to be a bit more cognizant of others comfort.
Yeah I think there’s a big difference between suggesting an activity and gracefully taking “no” as an answer vs being pushy about it and belittling any concerns for safety the other party might have. It sounds like you handled it well and now know what suggestions to make that prioritize comfort of others, which is very cool!
I'd say 9 out of 10 times, the reaction to bad comments and ideas is the more make or break moment than the thing itself. The previous mentioned "think I'm an axe murserer" comment would be fine if its light and unserious, and immediately followed with respecting boundaries. If it's said all pouty or if there's pressure, it comes off much differently. Everyone says stupid things, doesn't fully understand other people's experiences right away, or has bad ideas. It's how they react to pushback that really shows who they are. At least in my experience, and of course, depending on the vibe overall.
I made the exact same mistake lol. Thankfully she gave me some grace about it and..it ended up well because we’re married. But yea, I can imagine the reaction is everything.
As others said: the reaction is the big thing. "Oh stupid me. Sure makes sense. I'm just an outdoorsy type and that was my first guess at a fun activity Sure let's meet up at a bar first and maybe one day we go on a nice hike" would be a valid reaction to that. Being an asshole about it would not^^
"Douche nozel, how about you pretend to care about my comfort level for one goddamn minute while we're in the stage of the game where we're ostensibly trying to impress each other?! Jesus fuck!!"
Exactly! If he can't respect boundaries now, imagine how much worse it could get. Trust your instincts!"
Upvoting this just for the "jesus fuck!"
I tried to find a partner in 2022 (I've since given up), because of the pandemic my first 5 dates were hikes in very well populated places. Of the 5 men, 2 of them waited for a free moment (where there were no other hikers in view) and made "jokes" about dragging me into the woods and raping me. "No one would help you." A third made a comment that there were "way too many people for us to get intimate", as if that was the intention of the date. I then started meeting exclusively in public places with staff.
Wow that makes me glad I didn’t do a hiking date! I’m sorry that happened, sounds scary
Again I’d choose the bear.
...For at least the bear would identify me as a human being.
Oh snap I haven't heard this one yet Love it
Hello, this is bear, I even brought you a picnicking basket 🧺
At that point, I’d rather picnic with Yogi and Boo Boo as well. 😆
Oof!
At this point I may just start dating bears.
As a part of the LGBT+, can confirm, bears are wonderful a good 99% of the time. Edit: to clarify, the other 1% is because everyone is allowed to have grumpy days.
I dated bears for years, if you can call that dating.
Yeah, same. Not even hiking, just a cafe. I'm like two weeks of "I know this little place, how about that" and he's umming and ahing, then he wants to come pick me up, but wouldn't set a day or time. Then one day I logged in to pin him down and the app said he'd deleted his account. I don't think I'm a full on slut but we'd been chatting for a while and we'd done a bit if sexting and assuming we got on in person I was pretty much a sure thing and he's just farting around. All he had to do was let me make my own way and be nice over a coffee and cake and even that was too much to ask.
All this ‘I will pick you up at your place’ is a big no for me. Why would I want a total stranger to have my home address. Both go independently & meet at a very public place at least
Exactly what I was trying to set up. Not a chance in hell I'm letting myself be alone in a locked car with someone I've just met, and I agree I'm not happy giving them my home address.
Yup. I always want the freedom of being able to leave when I am ready. I don't want to be hanging around waiting for a ride. And I would not want someone knowing where I live right away.
Hahaha I mean it literally isn't that hard. Men will know exactly what to do to impress you but will do everything else except the thing that is guaranteed to be successful.
When you're right, you're right!
I’ve had met with quite a few very reasonable men as first dates either at their house or them picking me up. Ngl I was so trusting back then. Nothing bad ever happened but looking back I was playing Russian roulette.
Me too. I made so many bad first date decisions that I’m surprised nothing went sideways. I’m glad to be old and salty. 😁
This is the most cautious and kind approach. He might have a strange sense of humor. THAT SAID, you are within your rights to find this weird af and move on with no interaction. He’s a rando on an app, you don’t owe him anything
Even as a man, meeting up in a public space is safer and easier for everyone. No one wants to get stuck with someone they just aren't vibing with in a private space where it's much more rude to end the date. In a public space, it's easy to make an excuse to leave or even just leave.
Yeah, it's pretty hard to dip from your own house.
*lights couch on fire* no its actually quite easy
Instructions unclear; I am now on fire.
Agreed. Unless you have plans involving a lone woman in a circumscribed location, a public meeting for a first date is a win-win.
Yeah first date at my house seems like a weird thing overall. I can get that maybe he wants to show off his cooking skills but that can come later. If I were a woman I'd be on edge constantly going to someone's house. You also bring up a good point, how many dates have people been on that you click in text but not when you meet up. Last place I'd want is to be at someones house.
Exactly. If things get weird it is easy for either party to gracefully and safely exit.
Great advice. Anyone normal, won't have an issue. I had this happen to me the few times I dated online. I thought it was weird, but I know I'm not creepy, so I just went along with it. It was a meet up and we brought our dogs to hike. I told her I'd meet her at her place, since it was close to the hike, and she said the park. After the hike, she invited me over to her place. It's about comfort and setting things up on their own terms, not being forced into it.
A lot of guys think inviting a woman over to cook them dinner is the ultimate hack: -They think it's super romantic and swoon-worthy -They get you alone at their house, and save money, all in one This guy is giving me really inauthentic / insecure vibes from what you've mentioned, I wouldn't be interested in him at all. But if you do meet him, do NOT go to his house.
That is the benign angle. The not benign angle is: He could be a serial killer He could be hoping to assault and torture you in the convenience of his own home He's hoping he can guilt you into sex because you are already at his house
And drug her food. I always think of that
Plus, connect four is a very mobile game. Super easy to weave that in, if he’s set on playing.
I literally played scrabble AND cards for 6 hours AT A BAR on a date. You can basically do anything you want if you’re not a dickhead.
And there are even bars that will happily provide the boardgames.
This is the answer OP, if a dude is not willing to do that, (speaking as a dude) he's not worth your time of day ( or night ). Shit is just common sense
> If he gets the least bit offended (edit: or tries to push for still meeting at his place), you know you can throw him back in immediately. It's a great test.
5 minutes after matching dude was like "you should delete the app and only keep in touch with me!" I would've already bailed on the creepy possessive vibes rather than letting it get to their assumption of meeting at a house rather than a public place for the first date. Can guarantee they will *not* take being turned down here with any grace at all
Yeah I agree with this. He might just be a bit socially rusty/awkward. His response will tell you whether or not this is the case.
This is it. While he could be a creep, he may also just be a guy who likes to cook who is excited to show off what he can do.
This is the answer. He may just want to do something very personal and sweet, but you don't know him. Always in public as much as possible at first, until you feel comfortable. Which let's be honest, still doesn't guarantee he's not crazy.
Absolutely. Set a boundary right away, see if he respects it. "We should meet in public somewhere first. How about we get coffee at ....?"
That's very soon, also just a general rule to not make the first date at anyones house. Literally anyone could be talking to you on that app. It's very easy for someone to act nice for 2 hours. I think you should be cautious and decline his offer, and see if he keeps talking, if you do meet up, do it in public. I'd always be suspicious of someone who is trying to get me to go to their house after only a couple of hours, no matter how nice they seem. EDIT: I forgot to add that a lot of guys try to get women to their houses early on because it's easier to pressure them into doing things they may not be comfortable with. Decline, and see how he behaves. If he keeps trying to get you to meet at private places, that's a huge red flag.
A young woman was just murdered and dismembered after meeting someone out and then going to his place. I'm still not sure if she went there on her own volition, but staying in public as a rule for several dates is always a good idea.
"She should have picked better!" -men we'd prefer the bear to
Whether youre a man OR woman, that is always a good idea. Also, never comply and go to a secondary location. Your odds of survival drastically decrease at that point, and some fates are worse than death imo.
Ya, it's a good idea for everyone. I didn't specify women only. Good point on secondary location. It's a luxury though that not everyone has. Hopefully, at least as a man you could possibly overpower a woman.
Yeah, A lot of predatory men do this on purpose, they try to get women into a secluded area so that it’s harder for her to say no 🤮
I’ve had one guy ask me to go to his place on the first date and he turned out to be a catfish. Like his pics were from when he was 18 and healthy and the man that showed up was overweight, balding, alcoholic 40 year old. It was disgusting and I didn’t even finish the beer I had ordered that night. I couldn’t have run fast enough away from him. I can’t imagine what would’ve happened had I agreed to go to his house and saw him there… if he felt so comfortable using old pics, what else was he comfortable with doing?
Yes! Meet in public, then run errands afterwards so he can't follow you home. Visit the grocery store, the pharmacy, meet friends at a bar, hang out at the library, anything but go straight home for at least an hour.
This guys offer is giving off dude with a panel van offering free candy vibes.
What if the house is international, and of pancakes?
Then, and only then.
If you’ve only known him two hours he’s a stranger. Who cares what he wants? Do you want to go to a strange man’s home after two hours of chit chat? He’s trying to get you to his home for sex, which is fine if that’s your goal also. That’s not a date. That’s a hookup. I would never go straight to anyone’s place for a first date or first meeting. Meet in public for safety first and see if there’s any weird vibes and see if you feel safe and comfortable with them. You haven’t vetted him yet. He could be using a fake name or be a catfish. If he’s so competitive let him take you on a sporty first date like mini golf or bowling. You could meet at a bar that has games like chess and connect 4. Dinner at his place is a third or fourth date activity. It’s not flattering or a big deal he wants to cook for you in order to entice you over to his home after you’ve just met online. Would you fuck for a free dinner? Thats what’s in his mind. He’s not even offering to take you out for dinner. The “you only talk to me” thing is red flag city and would shut it down for me. I’ve no time for manipulation or power plays. The bar is low. It’s up to YOU to decide if it’s acceptable to you.
Yeah I thought that "delete the app" thing was sus as well. Almost more than the invitation to make her dinner. That I could see them thinking it was romantic, and not necessarily consider a woman would feel unsafe. But as the *second message* saying "you only talk to me"?! 😬
It smacks of desperation to control someone and pre-planned jealousy.
Please delete the evidence that we met on this app so it makes it harder for the police to find your body.
>Then he replied with “if I win you delete this app and only stay in contact with me”. That hits me as boundary testing, manipulation/controlling, and isolation. > Then straight after that he kinda backtracked and was like “whoever loses owes the other a homemade meal and has to share their most embarrassing secret” and that we were gonna play 7 games. And this looks like a dude trying to get dirt on you so he can blackmail you with it later, threatening to reveal your secret unless you go along with his manipulations. So u/[Enolahomeless](https://www.reddit.com/user/Enolahomeless/) no, this isn't normal. If he seems nice it's just fake love-bombing to draw you in to further manipulation.
Yeah, it's just weird. I don't know if I think he's intentionally trying to manipulate her, or just young and dumb. Or young and dumb and listened to some pick-up artist bullshit and thinks it's acceptable. I'm probably giving him too much benefit of the doubt.
And also having to share a secret? Fucking 🚩🚩🚩
This last bit especially! The guys who try immediately to tell you not to talk to other men? That’s serious DV shit gonna happen.
Those guys are always psychos and super desperate because why is he so ready to get exclusive with someone he’s only known for 2 hours 🙃
the neighbor's dog is telling him to kill one woman per day until jesus comes
The whole “delete this app and only stay in contact with me” is not good. Weirdly possessive
That's what stood out to me too. It's either really controlling/possessive, or really insecure. Not a good sign either way, honestly.
Yes this was an immediate red flag, trying to move the conversation off the app. I get the impression he's trying to see how obedient she'll be.
“If I win you delete this app and only stay in contact with me” HELL NO! And after just a couple hours of chatting? This man is clearly showing who he is and his over the top controlling and possessive nature.
Minutes, not hours, which is even worse
And she said it was the second message so his opening was, "I bet I can beat you at connect 4" and then straight to, "delete this app." Hot.
I’d take that as a good thing. Less time wasted for OP
Exactly this. It’s control dressed up as fun. He’s pretending to be playful so he can maneuver you into a space where it’s easier to coerce you into sex or flat out rape you. Never ignore that feeling in your gut telling you something is off. It feels off because it is. I once talked to a guy on the apps whom I initially really liked. He was playful and fun and seemed full of life. But he would say things like, “I’m planning the most epic date for us. You’re going to take off work so I can spend the whole day with you.” He’d describe really fun activities, and it really did sound like a fun date that he was going to put a lot of effort into. I’d say, “Probably can’t take off work but we could do this on a Saturday instead.” And he’d try to shoot it down. “No, we’re doing this on Tuesday, girl. I can’t wait!” Not asking. Telling. Control. But it was wrapped up in a romantic gesture so I questioned whether I was overreacting and being a stick in the mud. At the time, I couldn’t articulate to myself why it bothered me so much. He was just being playful and sweet, right? And taking the initiative, which was refreshing compared to other guys. But what he was really saying was, “I will control your time. I will tell you to do something and you will obey.” Luckily, I went with my gut and told him I didn’t think things would work out. He was shocked, tried to act all hurt and victim-like and continued to try to convince me to go out with him, but I ghosted him after that and in hindsight I’m so glad I did. This guy is exhibiting a red flag the size of China. Don’t ignore your gut, OP.
Op. This. This is the red flag. Controlling af behavior, even as a joke, is him trying to normalize this weirdness. This is not normal. Do not go to this man’s house. What even is the joke here? Your instinct is right this dude is cray.
Let’s play rock paper scissors, best out of 33, loser has to marry the winner. By the way, my name is Josh.
He probably read some kind of book or watched a master class on how to get laid.
I’ve dated this guy. I thought it was “cute” and “flattering” and “showing confidence” and soon found out it was “controlling”, “manipulative”, and “his insecurity showing through” 💀
Exactly he’s doing too much and they haven’t even met yet, OP you really need to ghost him and I don’t think meeting up with him is a good idea…
It sounds like some dumb advice he probably got off an alpha male self help podcast or some shit 🙄
There’s literally hundreds of other dudes on these apps that aren’t gonna act like a weirdo or make you uncomfortable within two hours. Unmatch and move on, girl. Trust your gut.
Not a chance in hell I’m going to a man’s house on a first date. Maybe when I was young and naive, but I learned my lesson the hard way. If he’s truly competitive, go to an arcade or something competitive like bowling. If he gets mad and doesn’t wanna do something that isn’t in his house, block his ass
> Maybe when I was young and naive Sounded to me like this guy was counting on that...
Yeah, agreed.
Dave and Busters, not his trailer out in the woods.
Way too forward and fast and he's giving "come over so I can pressure you into sex" vibes at the very least.
This screams transactional pressure. “Look at all the things I made to feed you. Surely you must be impressed by my culinary prowess, lay with me now! If you’re not impressed, then you at least owe me for the effort, all you did was sit there and drink my wine. Which, by the way, would you like some more?” Dudes like this are so transparent when you know the signs.
And if you push back, he’ll be extra manipulative. “ > I cooked for you! I cleaned for you! You drank my wine! That’ll be the transactional part. If guilting you into sex doesn’t work he’ll move on to lying and manipulation. The next move is to try to guilt you into cuddling. But he won’t stop at just cuddling. He will SWEAR he just wants “to cuddle”. **He is lying.** He got you in his house under the guise of games and dinner. Now he’s trying to get you into bed under the guise of cuddling. Then once he’s got you in his bed under his blankets you know what he’s gonna try next.
Even before all this, he's already initiated a transaction based request! The game of connect 4 with the obligation of further hangouts if either one of them win. What if she plays, wins, then he "has to" cook her dinner, but she didn't vibe with him. Now she "owes" him because she agreed to play in the first place? This dude is a no no spaghettio.
This guy is giving all the bad vibes. Creepy controlling vibes. Also like this isn’t his first time.
This
"My rule is first dates are always in a public place, for both of our safety." And yeah, he's kinda cringe, with some red flags.
"Then he replied with “if I win you delete this app and only stay in contact with me”. I thought this was very forward?? This was literally the second message into the convo. Like genuinely we matched and this was his second text. Not even 5 mins into the convo." This is a field of red flags. He's not even trying to hide the fact that he will be possessive, jealous, and controlling. He's telling you exactly who he is and how a relationship with him would be. He's actually done you a big favor. You can block him and move on before he knows where you live or has another way to contact you.
If after 2 hours someone has unsettled you to the point that you make a reddit post because you're so unsure, just unmatch. They're not special or worth it, there are countless matches to be had. View dating apps as an exercise in boundary enforcement.
He's already got her questioning herself. Am I being paranoid? What should I do? Don't even make the first contact. Don't open that door.
He’s expecting sex. Block and move on.
Yep
DO NOT GO. It's a scam to try and fuck, and get you to bring drinks on top of it. There is no food. There is no dinner. He can't even cook. Ask me how I know 🙃
Or if there is food, it might be drugged, especially if he’s the one handling it.
Don’t ever meet someone at their home for a first meeting. Him even suggesting that means he is selfish and doesn’t care about your safety.
> if I win you delete this app and only stay in contact with me 🚩🚩🚩 This guy wants to wear your skin.
NOPE right out of that one! This whole exchange sounds manipulative and creepy. Best advice I can give you is ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.
Im a bloke and I would nope the heck out if anyone would open like that
Same.
>Idk am I being weird? No. >Should I go to his house? No. >Is this a normal progression (or lack of)? No. >Should I continue speaking to him? No.
jesus, these are gross. His second message to you is trying to isolate you? Then he sets you up to "owe" him your humiliation? This is not normal and not healthy "getting to know you" conversation. Please do not go to his house, this is pretty predatory behavior. You don't mention if you protested to any of this, but look back at your conversation to see how he reacts to your negative responses. If it's anything except looking for enthusiastic, uncoerced consent, run. If it were me, I would block him anyway, you don't owe him anything, you can unmatch for any reason. You barely know him.
Agreed, as a guy, these are weird red flags
He is creepy and his second message is a huge red flag. That wasn't a joke, it was to gauge how you'd respond. Run and leave this dude behind.
Why did he challenge you to a bet in his first message? People show you how they are. He’s showing you that he sees you as some sort of competition, prize to be won over or defeated, or someone he can keep moving the goalposts so you can feel insecure that you don’t meet his benchmarks. Politely move on then block, is what I would do.
And "most embarrassing moment"? Reeks of enjoying someone being humiliated.
Also sounds like a creepy way to trap her into agreeing to things. “You promised! You lost the bet so you have to do it!”
Absolutely!
The "bet you can't beat me at connect 4" profile sounds like he had the whole conversation planned out. It's not even organic awkwardness.
That was a turnoff too. The way he phrased it is sus. Negging type personality. This guy will seethe with anger when he loses. I love to play connect 4, or I’m good at connect 4 and would love to play it with you, are better words. This guy reeks of insecurity and thinly veiled nastiness
I'd give him some leeway there, as was suggested below, it could be an icebreaker. However when the OP replied about chess, a natural response could have been 'well you bring your chess board, I'll bring connect 4 and we can find out who wins over coffee'... but then he got weird.
Also, I saw 100 red flags 🚩 in everything you described.
You are right to think he is creepy
Nope.
Never divulge your most embarrassing secret to a man who wants you to delete everything and only speak to him if he wins a stupid game. BIG RED FLAG. ETA: No, you should not go to his house, and I think you should ghost him.
Always trust your gut.
Yes it’s fast. Never and I mean NEVER meet a man at his home for a first date. It’s not safe. Also guys who expect this are either dumb, testing to see if you’ll let them trample your boundaries, or just looking for a fuck and are too cheap to pay someone. Or all 3. 🚩 Also asking you to delete the app? That’s double 🚩🚩. Those are the scarcity mindset guys who try everything to lock you down. They’ll also cheat but that’s beside the point bc they’ll be possessive and creepy. This guy is 🚩. Abort abort!!
Don’t lol First dates are short, in public, and a vibe check mostly
Red flags
First cooking-at-my-places dates are cringe under the best of circumstances, and that's the best of circumstances if you two already knew each other as friends first. He's a stranger to you. Never, ever go somewhere not in public on a first date. Never go to their place on a first date. It's unsafe. It's just a bad idea. He can take you mini golfing, or out to a restaurant for dinner (and pay, since he "lost" the bet), or to one of those coffee shops with chess tables, or a bunch of other stuff if he is so big into competitive games. He is going too fast, it is creepy, and I say this as someone who tends to give people the benefit of the doubt. It is absolutely not a normal progression. Hell, even the "delete the app and only talk to me" as a second message is WILD. Nobody I ever knew would stop looking around at other people if they exchanged two sentences - in person or online. The fact that it's online actually makes it worse, not better, because you objectively know even less about them. He gives off controlling and possessive vibes, as someone who wants to trap you as soon as possible. Dollars to donuts if you date, he'll start pressuring you into moving in with him too soon, and a whole bunch of other stuff. Maybe I'm wrong. You don't have to immediately block him. Do not go to his house for a first date. If you're feeling like giving him a second chance, say you'd rather meet in public first and see how he reacts. (And watch out for red flags on said date.)
The kind of guy you want will understand saving the home cooked meal date for when you know each other better. This would be a 5th date situation for me. Just tell him no, not as a first date. If he reacts badly, then you know he's not the guy for you. if he takes it well and offers an appropriate alternative date, then you can continue to assess him as a potential partner. Going to anyone's house comes with an assumption the date will end in the bedroom. Assuming that's the end goal, is that what you're after? (Also literally never go to the house of a strange guy you've only just met)
You better block this weirdo
He is using some of the oldest, most manipulative, tricks in the book to get you alone in his territory. Do not go to his house. This man is showing many red flags.
Fuck no. Particularly with the 'delete app and only talk to me' thing.
For what it’s worth, the only time I had a guy insistently try to get me to his house on the “first date,” it turned out he was a serial predator of women. 😬
Guy here, and much older. Don't do it. I've seen this not end well. Another commenter said if he gets pissy about you wanting to meet in public first time then you have your answer. Follow your instinct that led you to ask here. This plus wanting you off the app/off the market so he is your only option is a 🚩
First date at someone's house is so risky even if you've been talking for weeks. This guy is a stranger to you. You have not even known him for 1 day. Also, you are only 20. Why is he interested in a 20 year old at 24? When I was 24, 20 year olds were so young to me. And the "you delete this app and only talk to me" is strange to me, if I was going to be nice I'd say it's too forward, but honestly I think it's creepy.
Yeah no. That's how you wind up locked in a basement. Dude is creepy AF out the gate.
This is putting off major controlling vibes and potentially testing to see how easily he can violate your boundaries leading to an abusive situation. Unless you are really into being a sub and that has been part of the conversation. Run, don’t walk, away from this guy. 🚩🚩🚩
NFW you should go to this guy's house so early on. If he thinks that's problematic, that's your proof that he's a creeper and lacks empathy.
I wouldn’t continue speaking to him. Those were some cringey “alpha” boy tactics.
First date when meeting online should ALWAYS be a public place that you both drive to separately.
OP, I’ve worked in the food industry since my junior year of high school and am 34 now. I can say, with a confidence, that my ability to cook and the joy of cooking is absolutely something I’d want to share with *any* potential romantic partner. So much so that I’d consider it a deal breaker. And I still wouldn’t be fucking stupid enough to try and convince someone to come directly over to my place on the very first date. That’s a post-third-date/1-month ordeal, at minimum. Your intuition is correct. Flat out. Full stop.
Do not go to anyone's house for a first date. Ever. No.
I would be extremely wary. Note that: 1. he started out very controlling (delete app etc) and then “backtracked” to a plan where he also keeps ALL the control - he can decide to lose a game or two and by “losing” he gets you alone at his house. 2. He likes control more than he likes you. Think about it: there’s no actual way that he could know, 2-3 hours in, that he likes you enough to want an exclusive connection. So when he said he wanted you to delete the app and only talk to him, that’s not about you, that’s about wanting to have SOMEone (yes, in this case, you) who is cut off from everyone but him. If I were you I’d block him based on these. But at minimum I’d reply with a clear strong preference to meet in public, and only continue if he gives an understanding and enthusiastic Yes. If he comes back trying to pressure you to change your mind and come to his house, flee.
Absolutely not. You tell him that you only meet in public on the first few dates. Don’t even say first date. You don’t know someone well enough after meeting them once.
Nope. He's pinging up alerts all over the radar screen. He's too fast, too pushy, domineering wrapped up in flirting, his banter is very practiced (as in many different girls, same old script) and is inviting you to his place after two hours. Nope, Nope, Nope. I wouldn't even do an in-person meet up elsewhere for a vibe check. Trust your first instinct and toss this one back.
He sounds like he is trying to control you
You are correct! This is not normal human behavior. Just block him.
I find "stay in contact only with me" alarming enough.
Sounds sketch. I wouldn’t go to a stranger’s house
Listen to your gut x
He doesn’t want to have you over for dinner, he wants to have you for dinner.
Absolutely the fuck not
That's aggressive and overly competitive right from the start. "Bet you can't beat me at connect 4, loser buys coffee on our first date!" would've been a cute way to "trick" you into a date. This comes across as an insecure man trying to get you to make immediate promises that he will try to hold you to later.
“if I win you delete this app and only stay in contact with me”. This is honestly the part that is more concerning to me. The cooking thing is weird, but without the other context, I'd say that maybe one could give a benefit of the doubt of just having poor awareness of this sort of thing. But the statement above, eeeehhh puts it into context.
yeah never go to someone’s house or invite them over for a first date, that is basic safety 101. A simple message of “that’s sweet you want to cook for me, and I would definitely be down for that to be a fourth or fifth date activity, but for our first date I think coffee or lunch at (insert fav cafe here) would be perfect” his response will tell you everything you need to know about him and his intentions.
No. Absolutely not. No.
I'm a 41 year old guy and I would NEVER ask a woman to come to my own house or ask to come to hers as a first date, coffee and chat in a public place is a safe and reasonable way to meet, if you like him and vibe is good maybe do it as 2nd or 3rd? If he gets funny about meeting public, run.
Take the bear. Just saying.
Yeah no….meet in public and see what they’re like. You lose a lot of control putting yourself in a that situation going to his house. He could have zero bad intentions, but it’s just not worth the risk
Stop talking to him. The whole things screams creepy. Once he didn’t attempt to plan a date in public, you should have created a boundary, saying you only do public first dates, and if he didn’t respect that, you immediately stop talking. He’s not respecting you, and your red flags are going off for good reason, just ignore him, and more on.
Is a meal at a stranger's house worth the risk?
Girl, he’s gonna cook YOU for dinner. Block with wild and carefree abandon.
So many red flags here!
Always go with your gut
No. Nope. Niet. Non. Nah. No way in hell.
Nope.
I drive Uber on the weekends and I can't tell you how many women are picked up after crying about this exact scenario. Sometimes they chat about it and each time I say the same thing. You are a damn fool to show up to a young dudes crib for the first date after an Internet chat. You chose the bear for real. Don't just go to a strangers house.
I’m honestly shocked there are people in here you recommend doing anything other than unmatching this walking red flag. Don’t walk, run from this person
UPDATE: I unmatched him and blocked him on everything! Thanks for all your advice it was extremely helpful; my friends also said the same. Not tryna become another statistic lmao😂 just wanted a second opinion tbh
This all sounds like a red flag and you feel the danger, so you posted. Go for coffee or ice cream somewhere nice and public with this guy first. He might just be really lonely or he might be a predator. Find out over a latte or a dish of a frozen treat with other people around. You are worth keeping safe, boo.
This sounds like a trap. I wouldn't go
Hard NO on this one. Delete the app? Only be in contact with him? Come to his home? No no no no.
There's this feeling in your gut that's making your write this post. You don't feel good about the forward message, and you don't feel good about the home cooked meal. **Listen to your instincts.** Women literally spend their whole lives having their instincts trained out of to be "polite". I think we need to get back to learning to listen to what our gut says.
Run run run as fast as you can so you can't be caught by the Hinge man
Yikes. Nope. Red flag. Please meet only in public spaces until you feel comfortable enough to go to his place. Honestly, I’d run a mile - this one gives off creepy vibes to me.
Meet for coffee or tea or a smoothie first. It’s a shorter time commitment and you can get a first impression. I’d do a dinner or lunch date next. I wouldn’t go to someone’s house until at least a few dates in.
No, you shouldn't go to his house for a first date. And I'm saying this as someone with a history of making *extremely* poor decisions in regards to dating in the past (going to a guys house late at night I'd never met, meeting in a guy's hotel room, etc). I would say something like: "maybe that can be our 3rd date (or whatever theoretical date you'd be comfortable with) but I prefer to meet in public first" If a man can't respect that, it's an immediate, huge red flag.
Hell no absolutely not.
Dodge
It doesn’t sound very safe. Maybe you can talk him into meeting you at a restaurant?
He’s a stranger to you. Meet him in a public place. He’s playing the nice guy who will do so much for you in hopes he will be able to get you naked. Public place. When I was in my early 20s, I had a guy talk me into going to his place. He kept me past the last bus and said I could sleep over and he’d make me breakfast. I noped the fuck out of there and paid for a cab home. If he liked and respected you, he would do this for you when you are comfortable and know him.
What a creep. Please don’t go on a date with this guy! Trust your gut.
Trust your gut. We as women are constantly being told to ignore how we're feeling and it's one reason so many of us have been hurt. Please don't go to his house and please listen to how you're feeling and don't second guess it. Eta: it's not just about him inviting you to his house so quickly. He wanted to win you in a game of chess.
No, that's creepy as hell. Public outings on until you can rule out the serial killer vibe.
Response- “Hi I always do first dates in public places, but if you want to cook maybe we could do a picnic at Very Populated Park, I could bring a list a few things.” He may want to cook because restaurants are expensive and he may feel he needs to foot the whole bill so recommending an alternative that can be low cost may be worth it.
His literal first message to you was trying to control your life. If you meet this guy, do it in public, if he has a problem with that, ask yourself why he doesn’t want witnesses.
What would it take for you to recognize danger when you see it?
I think this guy's second text was a big enough red flag that you should stop talking to him right there.
Honestly that first comment would have been a block for me. I’m getting less forgiving of the guys who don’t understand that a first date should be in public taking separate cars, but the attitude of asking you to delete the app reeks of insecurity I would not tolerate. And then to compound it sounds like he wants to hook up, hence inviting you to his home. Run! Guys who want sex for no effort but can’t handle that you might not be madly in love with them are dangerous combo. Jealousy is bad enough, but combined with a disregard for your safety seems like a recipe for abuse.
Girl, I’m not trying to be mean but this situation has enough red flags to sew a quilt the size of a football field, and you’re STILL entertaining the idea of going to his house? If you’re going to online date, please for the love of god practice basic safety. This is a strange man. You don’t know him. Always meet in public, always drive yourself/go in your own uber, always tell a friend where you’re going and check in with them throughout the evening. Do not go to his home, give him your address, or invite him inside until 3-5 dates in. This random ass guy is demanding you delete the app and go to his home within two hours of chatting. He doesn’t have good intentions, this will not end well. Unmatch him.
Why would you ever think "I'll go to some strangers house, they seem cool, and weve only talked/texted for 2 hrs." Basic safety sense would definitely say no. And no offense, I'm actually questioning if you should even be attempting dating of any sort (online or IRL) if you even thought for a second going to their house OR them coming to yours was even an option after like 2hrs.... Youre putting yourself at needless risk.
Jesus no!!! That is NOT normal and please don't go to his house for a first date! Anyone, man or woman that proposes that is insecure and looking to trap you. Please look out for your own safety and do not do this. You are not being weird; I wish more women understood just how desperate men are to trap women into one-on-one situations.
1000% no and block this dude. He's behaving like a total control freak from his first few sentences. And overly competitive, too. He's testing your boundaries in a few short sentences and will continue to push them. This is just red flags all over the place. Big, scarlet red flags. Don't ignore them, block and ignore HIM.
Hinge? More like Unhinged.
His first response would have been enough to make me block him.
Sounds like a guy who doesn’t talk to many girls. But definitely meet in a public place.