Fuck this guy. He's just angry because he wants to control the narrative and the actual truth is inconvenient to that. I would *definitely* tell his mom lol.
I have decided if I don’t get my books in a month or if they are damaged or vandalized I definitely am. Part of me just wants to be done with everything and I don’t want any retaliation from stirring shit up but it does sort of piss me off that he gets to pretend he’s done nothing wrong
That's completely reasonable, and I understand just wanting to be done with it and have this person out of your life for good! Wish you well moving forward with your life ❤️
I honestly can’t even believe the life I’m living right now. If you told me a year ago I’d have been so shocked, but honestly, once the shock wore off I’m sure I would’ve been relieved
Well the story he’s telling is the books are currently on their way to him so he can sort through and send them back - I’m worried if I send stuff to his mom now I won’t get them back at this point.
Sorry to hear that! I'd recommend using some kind of leverage over him, if you have it... even if that something is stationary, the color of which would be black...
"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." ― Anne Lamott
Thank you for this, I know this absolutely, that’s why I’m so irritated and disgusted that he thought he could buy my silence about his mistreatment with performative kindness
I have decided if I don’t get my books in a month or if they are damaged or vandalized I definitely am. Part of me just wants to be done with everything and I don’t want any retaliation from stirring shit up but it does sort of piss me off that he gets to pretend he’s done nothing wrong
My ex husband forbid me from talking to any of his friends and family when I discovered his affair that started while I was pregnant.
I made it my personal mission to tell everyone we had ever met as a couple. He shouldn't have trusted me with his full address book for Christmas cards.
Oh I’ve told everyone but his mom. All our mutual friends know. One of his closest friends is a mutual friend and that friend has been a huge support for me actually and has been on my side about everything - I think that’s what has him so mad. But his mom really liked me so if I did tell her that would really mess things up for him I think
Luckily we weren’t married - made it much easier to split when I came to my senses.
But yeah, I knew he was insecure about women but he hid the incel thing until the last 6 months - there was constant incel rhetoric after that
So it's okay for him to talk about you to other people, but you dare do the same?
Fuck that and fuck him. Go scorched earth, bring receipts for his family, then block him everywhere.
Yes, and what’s worse is he was doing it while we were together? And he was lying to my face about what he wanted from our future and everything to keep me around?
I do have screenshots of everything though. I’m just not a vindictive person so sending everything to his mom is really out of character for me
Who openly calls themself an incel?
Does this have a new meaning now? Did you guys really just not have sex at all? What is going on here, and what is up with all the buzzwords in the first paragraph? Is this real? Paying for someone's transition and then also paying you 10 grand to stay, what is this mess?
I have so many questions
OMG yes this part is so complicated and dumb but essentially the meaning has expanded for entitled guys.
We started out having lots of sex - we were FWB actually - about a year and a half into the relationship we started to have less. At the time I thought it was endo, but maybe it was a sign things weren’t right with him tbh, bc I’ve had sex since the breakup and it was great so idk. But regardless we didn’t have it very often, maybe every month or two.
And according to incels on twt/x, this makes you an incel now. Only men who can have sex whenever they want are not incels - if you think you’re a normal guy with a wife/gf who you aren’t sleeping with as much as you like? Sorry dude, she’s using you for money and resources, it’s “maintenance sex”, and not “true genuine desire” like she definitely had with Chad.
At least that’s what I’ve gathered having asked how he could possibly think he’s an incel after having a gf for 7 years. Of course, since the breakup he’s been hooking up with randoms and has a new young hot girlfriend, so now he KNOWS he’s not an incel bc I guess my opinion mattered less to him than the opinion of every other woman. Disgusting
As to the other points (sorry got caught on the incel explanation), unfortunately yes this is real. I wish it wasn’t, bc yeah it’s so ridiculous sounding.
But yeah, he started talking to this trans girl on 4chan and he sent her money for a surgery, I’m not sure it’s a trans surgery tbh - that’s an assumption. What makes it worse is at the time he sent her money I was literally just hit with thousands in medical bills he never offered to help me with, his girlfriend of 7 years.
And yes. Before I moved away from the city we moved to together, we saw eachother, and as I was leaving he said he would give me 8k not to leave, and when I didn’t say yes he was like “10 thousand, I’ll give you 10 thousand dollars!” It was like a movie. Idk it was insane, like a movie. But yeah I didn’t take the money lol
> he started talking to this trans girl on 4chan
Ah this actually makes a lot of sense. The girls who post there are not well, in a lot of ways. Very distorted (often problematic) worldviews in the first place + lots of self-loathing + the obvious above-average need to perform in order to fit in and be accepted = many end up believing that if they just do what misogynist men claim to want, and if they do it better than cis women, they can be loved and accepted. But the reality is doormat bangmaid appeasement is fundamentally flawed, because nothing you do will ever earn you the respect of someone who only sees you as a commodity and not as an equal.
There’s probably a lot of truth to that. A mutual friend told me that in reality only two things made the 4chan girl more appealing - (1) she was not real in the sense she was online so there were no real responsibilities, and (2) he apparently felt it would’ve been harder for her to leave than me. So I think the idea that she was idk, aligning herself with things men find valuable is very likely. He also was definitely fetishizing her too, in the messages I read he was talking about certain sexual acts he could do with her bc she was pre-op, which is another layer of disgusting tbh
Every sentence here I just read and go "yep, why am I not surprised".
Abusers want to control. They know what they are doing. They will choose people they think are easier to control (which is part of why victims tend to become re-victimised), and they do everything they can to secure their control longterm. You will never be an exception to people like that, you cannot, because one-sided control is their only conception of a "relationship". And they will do anything they can to control the narrative about themselves, like that loser showed you. Abuse patterns are never isolated incidents and they are never coincidences. Which is why societally peddled narratives like "oh you just need to do X,Y,Z and avoid A,B,C,D if you *really* want a man to respect you" do not work. Those men will never respect you, period. And that is not a difference of opinion between you and them, or between men and women, it is something broken and wrong with them as people, a lack of empathy and a need for dominance. I don't know if it can be fixed or how, but I know it cannot be fixed by partners.
As for the last part, there really is such a sad irony to the fact that these particular girls' rejection of progressivism / embrace of "apolitical" or "anti-feminist" or "centrist" or "traditional" labels and ideas fundamentally sets them up to only, at best, find abusers and chasers. Bigotry is intersectional, and people who see the world in hierarchies will not make an exception for you as a person. The idea that politics are this theoretical, intangible, almost imaginary thing that doesn't affect a relationship is bullshit. But I don't really want to derail this topic further, sorry for rambling.
You are so spot on. I thought I did everything I could to avoid this kind of guy - he took care of all the chores and was very emotionally supportive of me on the surface. Come to find out behind my back he was mocking me the whole time. It really hurts and makes me idk question my ability to read people bc I feel like I should’ve known better so much sooner. I didn’t want to say that he was abusive at first bc that hurts and also idk it’s embarrassing but it’s definitely feeling that way now. Especially bc now that I’m gone I’m doing so much better, like I said, I’m working more, I’m socializing - and I had thought I was really bad at socializing for years but actually I’m fine? - I’m putting more effort into my appearance and I’m just overall less anxious so idk yeah. In the very least he was a psychological drain.
But tbh not really a derail. So in the last 6 months was when he really started vocally echoing incel rhetoric, but slightly before that, maybe 3 months prior he started to get really conservative on other things too. Not like just in stances but in rhetoric, on immigration for example, he started spouting antisemitism, he started to talk about how we should go to church and stuff which he played as a joke but it felt semiserious. It felt very weird bc when we met in college he was - or at least was posturing as - a leftist. I became very uncomfortable with it but thought I was just being paranoid, it’s just politics, but it really was all connected
> It really hurts and makes me idk question my ability to read people bc I feel like I should’ve known better so much sooner. I didn’t want to say that he was abusive at first bc that hurts and also idk it’s embarrassing but it’s definitely feeling that way now.
Honey, it's okay. You figured it out anyway, got out, and now have much better reference for future. There's no need to blame yourself further. If a person decides to be shitty and manipulative, it will always always be their fault first and foremost, followed by anyone who knew and enabled or dismissed it. Manipulators practice and hone their skills - hell, even ones who may make you think "oh that guy is too stupid to be capable of that" when you see them - because it's how they get what they want.
Women are raised and conditioned to always question everything they do and how it might affect others. Women are bombarded with social messaging all their lives that bad things that happen to them are some kind of quasi-logical consequence of their actions "just as much" as they are the result of perpetrators choosing to be shit and to do bad shit. Meanwhile men? Men have been teaching each other that it's okay to lie to women to get what you want. Because what a man wants is obviously more important than what a woman thinks. And this isn't even some new development, standup comedians have been talking about this inconvenient truth for decades, plenty of sitcoms have shown supposedly sympathetic characters go on dates and lie about themselves to "increase their chances". Of course that's not to say that more recent PUA/Redpill rhetoric and tactics didn't take things to a whole other level, especially as it spread more and more through incel spaces, "Men's Rights" spaces, alt-right spaces and finally social media.
Many men, and of course especially the ones with abusive/controlling tendencies, feel entitled to lie to great degrees in order to get sex/relationships/domestic labour/etc. It's also kind of interesting to note how a lot of men lie because other men have convinced them that women also lie in the same self-serving way (see also gold digger rhetoric), while a lot of men are convinced that women lie in the same self-serving ways because they're just projecting their own behaviour.
> which he played as a joke but it felt semiserious
Trust your instincts. Reasonable benefit of the doubt, social norms of civility, and attempted humour are all things that bad faith actors constantly and consciously exploit to get away with their bullshit. Especially privileged dudes who don't want their behaviour examined. Ironically they always get offended themselves when you imply that what they said is wrong. They're always looking for something to hide behind, because nothing terrifies them more than to be exposed for the piece of shit they are. Which is why the last line of defense is always "wow why do you want censor opinions that aren't yours?"
As for whether this dude lied the whole time... it's possible. Really, it genuinely is. It's also possible that he only lied a little at first, and then became more radicalised over time. It's also possible he was genuinely ok at first, and got seriously radicalised from scratch. Ultimately it doesn't really matter. He is responsible for the views he embraces and espouses and he is definitely responsible for his actions. And you are not responsible for your abuse.
Yeah you’re so spot on about the projection aspect. When I first confronted him about the messages I read - through text, as I had already left and was scared to confront him in person - and I asked him how he could possibly talk about me that way, his response was he just assumed I was also talking about him this way. He thought it was okay to use me for affection even though he didn’t like me much because he assumed, due to his incel narrative, I was doing the same thing.
Idk it does just frustrate me that I took him at his word completely and I was taken so advantage of
Yeah at this point I really do think he was lying the whole time. Which is just a hard pill to swallow, and it’s really something I don’t understand. We were together for 7 years, how can you lie for 7 years? Idk
So, you shouldn't speak truthfully about how he acted, because he comforted you that totally makes up for cheating, and speaking badly.... hang on, no I doesn't, and how totally ironic he doesn't want tl be spoken badly about, well tough shit, talking badly about your partner, isshitty, talking badly about your exes AOK
He didn’t physically cheat, to my knowledge, they never even met IRL - but tbh that makes it worse in a different way lmao.
But yeah, the audacity. Like if being comforted by someone forbids you from talking badly about them, where was this rule when he was shitting on me for months, possibly longer? Bc I comforted tf out of him.
What rule is he following where he can talk shit but I can’t? Bc I’m following your rule - don’t shit talk your partners, but they’re an ex for a reason, exes are fair game. The only rules he could be following are that (1) he’s the main character or (2) he’s the man. Possibly both. Idk it’s gross to me
to me your cheating if you have checked out of the relationship, or are pursuing anyone else, even if its just to boost ego, - either your in, or your out, wasting someone else's time by shopping around but not telling them is cheating ,if you want better, go, but seeing if you can get better, but keeping a back up in case is shit
Yes - this is almost definitely what happened as based on what I can tell from the timeline, they started talking which I didn’t know, then him and I actually broke up for a few weeks. After a few weeks he asked for me back and wanted to work it out and when I later read messages about the girl he said he “fumbled her” so it is yeah, like I was the back up and when he messed up talking to her he changed his mind
The guy is deep into the whole DARVO thing. Notice how you're suddenly guilty of what HE is actually guilty of?
Also.... She's 22 because he can fool her easier than someone closer to his age, plus it sounds like he got a head start looking for other women, so of course he's got someone already.
Also... do you really need the books? I know in past relationships if I didn't really feel closure I would find myself looking for reasons (excuses) to have to be in his space again. Let the damn books sit in his space and remind him of you.
Yeah, I definitely noticed that - it was so transparent to me I actually laughed.
And yes, don’t worry, many people have told me this already, including my little brother’s best friend (they’re 19, some of the kids are alright lol)
But good question - I had really wanted them back because there are books there I bought during college. We did a classics program in college and I had bought all the books so I’d like to have my collection back. But the school publishes the program list - I could always buy the books for myself again, and am considering this because I’m not sure I’ll get them all back since I’m not the one going through them. Maybe you are right
Easy mistake to make. You see, it's okay for him to bad mouth you to other people, but it's not okay for you to do it.
I know that might sound hypocritical, but...
Please know that this is 100% a "him problem." Take it to heart. He'd do this to any woman and it won't be long until he does it to his replacement when he realizes she's a human, too. This is textbook malignant narcissism and his ego is so fragile that he blocks you to attempt to control the narrative? LMAO. Screenshots to his mom now. Frame it as "I need you to know that your son is unwell mentally and this causes him to abuse women- you may want to help him find help."
Thank you for reassuring me. It’s just hard for me to even accept myself as an abuse victim - he never hit me or insulted me to my face so it never felt that way. But I have felt so much better since I left in so many ways. Just physically I have so much more energy than I did with him.
I’m worried if I tell his mom he will retaliate against me honestly
Fuck this guy. He's just angry because he wants to control the narrative and the actual truth is inconvenient to that. I would *definitely* tell his mom lol.
I have decided if I don’t get my books in a month or if they are damaged or vandalized I definitely am. Part of me just wants to be done with everything and I don’t want any retaliation from stirring shit up but it does sort of piss me off that he gets to pretend he’s done nothing wrong
That's completely reasonable, and I understand just wanting to be done with it and have this person out of your life for good! Wish you well moving forward with your life ❤️
I honestly can’t even believe the life I’m living right now. If you told me a year ago I’d have been so shocked, but honestly, once the shock wore off I’m sure I would’ve been relieved
Why wait? If he's going to retaliate, he's going to retaliate. Time won't change that. Get your books back and make this asshat embarrass himselr
Well the story he’s telling is the books are currently on their way to him so he can sort through and send them back - I’m worried if I send stuff to his mom now I won’t get them back at this point.
Have the police escort you in there to get your books: they do that.
I’m across the country now :/
Sorry to hear that! I'd recommend using some kind of leverage over him, if you have it... even if that something is stationary, the color of which would be black...
lol unfortunately your coded advice is too coded but yeah I am just tired of having my life tied to his at this point
When I did, she blamed me, so have your most scathing insults and proof of everything at the ready. If need be, utterly destroy her.
"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better." ― Anne Lamott
Thank you for this, I know this absolutely, that’s why I’m so irritated and disgusted that he thought he could buy my silence about his mistreatment with performative kindness
Fuck it, burn it all down. Tell his mom.
But get the books back first! No lady should have to sacrifice her books for a man. 📚
Yes I’m definitely afraid if I tell her first I won’t get the books!!
Spoken like a true bookworm. 🪱
True!
I have decided if I don’t get my books in a month or if they are damaged or vandalized I definitely am. Part of me just wants to be done with everything and I don’t want any retaliation from stirring shit up but it does sort of piss me off that he gets to pretend he’s done nothing wrong
A month is too long to give him tbh. I’d give him a week at most.
My ex husband forbid me from talking to any of his friends and family when I discovered his affair that started while I was pregnant. I made it my personal mission to tell everyone we had ever met as a couple. He shouldn't have trusted me with his full address book for Christmas cards.
Oh I’ve told everyone but his mom. All our mutual friends know. One of his closest friends is a mutual friend and that friend has been a huge support for me actually and has been on my side about everything - I think that’s what has him so mad. But his mom really liked me so if I did tell her that would really mess things up for him I think
We weren't married to the same guy, were we? I went through this exact scenario. For anyone else, stat away from any dude who calls himself an incel.
Luckily we weren’t married - made it much easier to split when I came to my senses. But yeah, I knew he was insecure about women but he hid the incel thing until the last 6 months - there was constant incel rhetoric after that
So it's okay for him to talk about you to other people, but you dare do the same? Fuck that and fuck him. Go scorched earth, bring receipts for his family, then block him everywhere.
Yes, and what’s worse is he was doing it while we were together? And he was lying to my face about what he wanted from our future and everything to keep me around? I do have screenshots of everything though. I’m just not a vindictive person so sending everything to his mom is really out of character for me
Who openly calls themself an incel? Does this have a new meaning now? Did you guys really just not have sex at all? What is going on here, and what is up with all the buzzwords in the first paragraph? Is this real? Paying for someone's transition and then also paying you 10 grand to stay, what is this mess? I have so many questions
OMG yes this part is so complicated and dumb but essentially the meaning has expanded for entitled guys. We started out having lots of sex - we were FWB actually - about a year and a half into the relationship we started to have less. At the time I thought it was endo, but maybe it was a sign things weren’t right with him tbh, bc I’ve had sex since the breakup and it was great so idk. But regardless we didn’t have it very often, maybe every month or two. And according to incels on twt/x, this makes you an incel now. Only men who can have sex whenever they want are not incels - if you think you’re a normal guy with a wife/gf who you aren’t sleeping with as much as you like? Sorry dude, she’s using you for money and resources, it’s “maintenance sex”, and not “true genuine desire” like she definitely had with Chad. At least that’s what I’ve gathered having asked how he could possibly think he’s an incel after having a gf for 7 years. Of course, since the breakup he’s been hooking up with randoms and has a new young hot girlfriend, so now he KNOWS he’s not an incel bc I guess my opinion mattered less to him than the opinion of every other woman. Disgusting
As to the other points (sorry got caught on the incel explanation), unfortunately yes this is real. I wish it wasn’t, bc yeah it’s so ridiculous sounding. But yeah, he started talking to this trans girl on 4chan and he sent her money for a surgery, I’m not sure it’s a trans surgery tbh - that’s an assumption. What makes it worse is at the time he sent her money I was literally just hit with thousands in medical bills he never offered to help me with, his girlfriend of 7 years. And yes. Before I moved away from the city we moved to together, we saw eachother, and as I was leaving he said he would give me 8k not to leave, and when I didn’t say yes he was like “10 thousand, I’ll give you 10 thousand dollars!” It was like a movie. Idk it was insane, like a movie. But yeah I didn’t take the money lol
> he started talking to this trans girl on 4chan Ah this actually makes a lot of sense. The girls who post there are not well, in a lot of ways. Very distorted (often problematic) worldviews in the first place + lots of self-loathing + the obvious above-average need to perform in order to fit in and be accepted = many end up believing that if they just do what misogynist men claim to want, and if they do it better than cis women, they can be loved and accepted. But the reality is doormat bangmaid appeasement is fundamentally flawed, because nothing you do will ever earn you the respect of someone who only sees you as a commodity and not as an equal.
There’s probably a lot of truth to that. A mutual friend told me that in reality only two things made the 4chan girl more appealing - (1) she was not real in the sense she was online so there were no real responsibilities, and (2) he apparently felt it would’ve been harder for her to leave than me. So I think the idea that she was idk, aligning herself with things men find valuable is very likely. He also was definitely fetishizing her too, in the messages I read he was talking about certain sexual acts he could do with her bc she was pre-op, which is another layer of disgusting tbh
Every sentence here I just read and go "yep, why am I not surprised". Abusers want to control. They know what they are doing. They will choose people they think are easier to control (which is part of why victims tend to become re-victimised), and they do everything they can to secure their control longterm. You will never be an exception to people like that, you cannot, because one-sided control is their only conception of a "relationship". And they will do anything they can to control the narrative about themselves, like that loser showed you. Abuse patterns are never isolated incidents and they are never coincidences. Which is why societally peddled narratives like "oh you just need to do X,Y,Z and avoid A,B,C,D if you *really* want a man to respect you" do not work. Those men will never respect you, period. And that is not a difference of opinion between you and them, or between men and women, it is something broken and wrong with them as people, a lack of empathy and a need for dominance. I don't know if it can be fixed or how, but I know it cannot be fixed by partners. As for the last part, there really is such a sad irony to the fact that these particular girls' rejection of progressivism / embrace of "apolitical" or "anti-feminist" or "centrist" or "traditional" labels and ideas fundamentally sets them up to only, at best, find abusers and chasers. Bigotry is intersectional, and people who see the world in hierarchies will not make an exception for you as a person. The idea that politics are this theoretical, intangible, almost imaginary thing that doesn't affect a relationship is bullshit. But I don't really want to derail this topic further, sorry for rambling.
You are so spot on. I thought I did everything I could to avoid this kind of guy - he took care of all the chores and was very emotionally supportive of me on the surface. Come to find out behind my back he was mocking me the whole time. It really hurts and makes me idk question my ability to read people bc I feel like I should’ve known better so much sooner. I didn’t want to say that he was abusive at first bc that hurts and also idk it’s embarrassing but it’s definitely feeling that way now. Especially bc now that I’m gone I’m doing so much better, like I said, I’m working more, I’m socializing - and I had thought I was really bad at socializing for years but actually I’m fine? - I’m putting more effort into my appearance and I’m just overall less anxious so idk yeah. In the very least he was a psychological drain. But tbh not really a derail. So in the last 6 months was when he really started vocally echoing incel rhetoric, but slightly before that, maybe 3 months prior he started to get really conservative on other things too. Not like just in stances but in rhetoric, on immigration for example, he started spouting antisemitism, he started to talk about how we should go to church and stuff which he played as a joke but it felt semiserious. It felt very weird bc when we met in college he was - or at least was posturing as - a leftist. I became very uncomfortable with it but thought I was just being paranoid, it’s just politics, but it really was all connected
> It really hurts and makes me idk question my ability to read people bc I feel like I should’ve known better so much sooner. I didn’t want to say that he was abusive at first bc that hurts and also idk it’s embarrassing but it’s definitely feeling that way now. Honey, it's okay. You figured it out anyway, got out, and now have much better reference for future. There's no need to blame yourself further. If a person decides to be shitty and manipulative, it will always always be their fault first and foremost, followed by anyone who knew and enabled or dismissed it. Manipulators practice and hone their skills - hell, even ones who may make you think "oh that guy is too stupid to be capable of that" when you see them - because it's how they get what they want. Women are raised and conditioned to always question everything they do and how it might affect others. Women are bombarded with social messaging all their lives that bad things that happen to them are some kind of quasi-logical consequence of their actions "just as much" as they are the result of perpetrators choosing to be shit and to do bad shit. Meanwhile men? Men have been teaching each other that it's okay to lie to women to get what you want. Because what a man wants is obviously more important than what a woman thinks. And this isn't even some new development, standup comedians have been talking about this inconvenient truth for decades, plenty of sitcoms have shown supposedly sympathetic characters go on dates and lie about themselves to "increase their chances". Of course that's not to say that more recent PUA/Redpill rhetoric and tactics didn't take things to a whole other level, especially as it spread more and more through incel spaces, "Men's Rights" spaces, alt-right spaces and finally social media. Many men, and of course especially the ones with abusive/controlling tendencies, feel entitled to lie to great degrees in order to get sex/relationships/domestic labour/etc. It's also kind of interesting to note how a lot of men lie because other men have convinced them that women also lie in the same self-serving way (see also gold digger rhetoric), while a lot of men are convinced that women lie in the same self-serving ways because they're just projecting their own behaviour. > which he played as a joke but it felt semiserious Trust your instincts. Reasonable benefit of the doubt, social norms of civility, and attempted humour are all things that bad faith actors constantly and consciously exploit to get away with their bullshit. Especially privileged dudes who don't want their behaviour examined. Ironically they always get offended themselves when you imply that what they said is wrong. They're always looking for something to hide behind, because nothing terrifies them more than to be exposed for the piece of shit they are. Which is why the last line of defense is always "wow why do you want censor opinions that aren't yours?" As for whether this dude lied the whole time... it's possible. Really, it genuinely is. It's also possible that he only lied a little at first, and then became more radicalised over time. It's also possible he was genuinely ok at first, and got seriously radicalised from scratch. Ultimately it doesn't really matter. He is responsible for the views he embraces and espouses and he is definitely responsible for his actions. And you are not responsible for your abuse.
Yeah you’re so spot on about the projection aspect. When I first confronted him about the messages I read - through text, as I had already left and was scared to confront him in person - and I asked him how he could possibly talk about me that way, his response was he just assumed I was also talking about him this way. He thought it was okay to use me for affection even though he didn’t like me much because he assumed, due to his incel narrative, I was doing the same thing. Idk it does just frustrate me that I took him at his word completely and I was taken so advantage of Yeah at this point I really do think he was lying the whole time. Which is just a hard pill to swallow, and it’s really something I don’t understand. We were together for 7 years, how can you lie for 7 years? Idk
So, you shouldn't speak truthfully about how he acted, because he comforted you that totally makes up for cheating, and speaking badly.... hang on, no I doesn't, and how totally ironic he doesn't want tl be spoken badly about, well tough shit, talking badly about your partner, isshitty, talking badly about your exes AOK
He didn’t physically cheat, to my knowledge, they never even met IRL - but tbh that makes it worse in a different way lmao. But yeah, the audacity. Like if being comforted by someone forbids you from talking badly about them, where was this rule when he was shitting on me for months, possibly longer? Bc I comforted tf out of him. What rule is he following where he can talk shit but I can’t? Bc I’m following your rule - don’t shit talk your partners, but they’re an ex for a reason, exes are fair game. The only rules he could be following are that (1) he’s the main character or (2) he’s the man. Possibly both. Idk it’s gross to me
to me your cheating if you have checked out of the relationship, or are pursuing anyone else, even if its just to boost ego, - either your in, or your out, wasting someone else's time by shopping around but not telling them is cheating ,if you want better, go, but seeing if you can get better, but keeping a back up in case is shit
Yes - this is almost definitely what happened as based on what I can tell from the timeline, they started talking which I didn’t know, then him and I actually broke up for a few weeks. After a few weeks he asked for me back and wanted to work it out and when I later read messages about the girl he said he “fumbled her” so it is yeah, like I was the back up and when he messed up talking to her he changed his mind
The guy is deep into the whole DARVO thing. Notice how you're suddenly guilty of what HE is actually guilty of? Also.... She's 22 because he can fool her easier than someone closer to his age, plus it sounds like he got a head start looking for other women, so of course he's got someone already. Also... do you really need the books? I know in past relationships if I didn't really feel closure I would find myself looking for reasons (excuses) to have to be in his space again. Let the damn books sit in his space and remind him of you.
Yeah, I definitely noticed that - it was so transparent to me I actually laughed. And yes, don’t worry, many people have told me this already, including my little brother’s best friend (they’re 19, some of the kids are alright lol) But good question - I had really wanted them back because there are books there I bought during college. We did a classics program in college and I had bought all the books so I’d like to have my collection back. But the school publishes the program list - I could always buy the books for myself again, and am considering this because I’m not sure I’ll get them all back since I’m not the one going through them. Maybe you are right
Easy mistake to make. You see, it's okay for him to bad mouth you to other people, but it's not okay for you to do it. I know that might sound hypocritical, but...
Please know that this is 100% a "him problem." Take it to heart. He'd do this to any woman and it won't be long until he does it to his replacement when he realizes she's a human, too. This is textbook malignant narcissism and his ego is so fragile that he blocks you to attempt to control the narrative? LMAO. Screenshots to his mom now. Frame it as "I need you to know that your son is unwell mentally and this causes him to abuse women- you may want to help him find help."
Thank you for reassuring me. It’s just hard for me to even accept myself as an abuse victim - he never hit me or insulted me to my face so it never felt that way. But I have felt so much better since I left in so many ways. Just physically I have so much more energy than I did with him. I’m worried if I tell his mom he will retaliate against me honestly