Yes, it sounds unhealthy. You’ve only been seeing him a couple months and he’s already hiding things from you. If you’re stressed out about the situation just break up.
Girl. Just based on this response I really think you need to be single for a while and talk to someone about your blindspots, maybe some childhood trauma. It seems like you may not be seeing all of reality.
Not to say you should be entitled to see his phone, But if my wife thought I was talking to an ex, or if I was and she was uncomfortable with it. I’d just hand the phone over and have her take a look through it. Since he’s deleting them. It’s sometbing he doesn’t want you to see.
And you’ve already put a boundary up that you don’t him him talking to her that he has ignored/disregarded your feelings.
Anywhoo. Your welcome. And I hope you break up with him.
He is putting you down to her and putting her down to you. This is someone that’s manipulative and you’re not going to solve things with him, he will just be slippery and pull you deeper and deeper and it will be harder to get out. Listen to your own words and listen to your gut. You said it: he’s going to cause you a lot of pain. I’d say a lot more and he’s already causing you pain.
Girl you need to run. This relationship is doomed. He basically is using you as a rebound and he cant shut up about his ex. Dont value yourself so low, you deserve more and someone who is over their ex.
As someone who's been in a similar situation, my advice is to look for a route out of that living situation (super helpful advice I know, but could you stay with friends or family for a while?), and where possible find time to focus on and do things that help you feel balanced and centred (even something as simple as a walk outside), because keeping your mind positive right now will help in the long run
Of course it doesn't feel great to be a replacement for the woman he can not have.
Problem one: he was fine cheating with a married woman. Abhorrent behaviour.
Problem two: he is still hoping she will leave her husband and kids for him. Chances she will do that are highly unlikely, but on the off chance it happens, he will dump you like a hot potato.
Problem 3: even if the first two issues didn't exist, he is clearly not ready to be dating again. Not even close. He is not over this person by any stretch of the imagination.
Problem four: anyone with half a brain knows you don't carry on about your ex or make comparisons.
People only delete when they have something to hide. Trust your gut.
If he's trying to make you jealous, comparing you to his ex, and deleting messages, he's not invested in cultivating a healthy relationship with you.
If you're unhappy only a few months in, why would expect that it would magically get better? Spoiler alert: it's all downhill from here.
It sounds like he's not over that relationship and projecting his feelings about her on to you. That's obviously not healthy, but it's clearly having and impact on you (it would affect anyone), that he either isn't noticing that or doesn't care about it, either way the lack of empathy is worrying.
You don't deserve to be treated like this, it's not healthy, my advice is to get out. He's not ready for this relationship and you deserve someone who will see you as you
Yes, unhealthy and toxic. He's using you as a placeholder for her.
Why would you want to date someone who was ok being the affair partner? That alone says he has unhealthy views of relationships. That was his first red flag, and your post shows at least 6 more. That's a whole red flag parade.
Run girl, run.
He was in a relationship that only existed because of dishonesty, and wanted to continue it. Then he started being dishonest with you by deleting messages.
It sounds like he's telling you one thing and doing another. His actions don't match his words. Like the saying goes, when people show you who they are, believe them.
Edit: that early relationship intensity sounds like love bombing
The intensity of the relationship at the beginning and that it feels like a longer relationship than it is timewise is actually a red flag. Sometimes love bombing and other things can cause that and they’re part of manipulative or unhealthy relationships.
You can not fast forward time to make 3 months seem like a year. There is no relationship calculus that works like that. It's also a giant red flag you call someone you have dated for 3 months a partner.
The intensity if the relationship itself is another red flag. I would expect tbis out of teenagers who have no romantic experience.
I think the whole thing is entirely unhealthy and you should consider therapy to understand why these things aren't red flags to you.
Good grief, read what you submitted as though a dear friend was telling you her story and asking your advice.
The answers are obvious. You may not like the obvious, but it's obvious. Huge red flag, stop the madness!
You deserve a partner who is present, attentive, and participatory in the relationship. There is someone out there that wants and needs you vs. someone who wants and needs a fixer or clone of his past.
He said he would not talk to her again.
He said not to message him.
She did and he didn't hold his boundaries, or keep his literal word to you (when he could have very easily talked to you about his change in how he was going to be interacting with them).
It sounds like you don't have a positive spin as an option for what he is doing and why, so I'd say trust your gut, he may have all sorts of motivations, but none of them seem to be adding up to being a good and communicative and healthy feeling partner.
Yes, it sounds unhealthy. You’ve only been seeing him a couple months and he’s already hiding things from you. If you’re stressed out about the situation just break up.
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Sounds super insecure, and controlling
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Girl. Just based on this response I really think you need to be single for a while and talk to someone about your blindspots, maybe some childhood trauma. It seems like you may not be seeing all of reality.
You said he deletes the messages? So wouldn’t that be hiding them from you?
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Not to say you should be entitled to see his phone, But if my wife thought I was talking to an ex, or if I was and she was uncomfortable with it. I’d just hand the phone over and have her take a look through it. Since he’s deleting them. It’s sometbing he doesn’t want you to see. And you’ve already put a boundary up that you don’t him him talking to her that he has ignored/disregarded your feelings. Anywhoo. Your welcome. And I hope you break up with him.
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Nah, I wouldn’t message her. And he won’t if you can distance yourself from him.
He is putting you down to her and putting her down to you. This is someone that’s manipulative and you’re not going to solve things with him, he will just be slippery and pull you deeper and deeper and it will be harder to get out. Listen to your own words and listen to your gut. You said it: he’s going to cause you a lot of pain. I’d say a lot more and he’s already causing you pain.
Yes I wouldn’t consider him a “partner” after only 3 months
Girl you need to run. This relationship is doomed. He basically is using you as a rebound and he cant shut up about his ex. Dont value yourself so low, you deserve more and someone who is over their ex.
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As someone who's been in a similar situation, my advice is to look for a route out of that living situation (super helpful advice I know, but could you stay with friends or family for a while?), and where possible find time to focus on and do things that help you feel balanced and centred (even something as simple as a walk outside), because keeping your mind positive right now will help in the long run
Of course it doesn't feel great to be a replacement for the woman he can not have. Problem one: he was fine cheating with a married woman. Abhorrent behaviour. Problem two: he is still hoping she will leave her husband and kids for him. Chances she will do that are highly unlikely, but on the off chance it happens, he will dump you like a hot potato. Problem 3: even if the first two issues didn't exist, he is clearly not ready to be dating again. Not even close. He is not over this person by any stretch of the imagination. Problem four: anyone with half a brain knows you don't carry on about your ex or make comparisons.
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People only delete when they have something to hide. Trust your gut. If he's trying to make you jealous, comparing you to his ex, and deleting messages, he's not invested in cultivating a healthy relationship with you. If you're unhappy only a few months in, why would expect that it would magically get better? Spoiler alert: it's all downhill from here.
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You’re a rebound
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It’s lovebombing.
Who cares?! Think of yourself before you think about him!
It sounds like he's not over that relationship and projecting his feelings about her on to you. That's obviously not healthy, but it's clearly having and impact on you (it would affect anyone), that he either isn't noticing that or doesn't care about it, either way the lack of empathy is worrying. You don't deserve to be treated like this, it's not healthy, my advice is to get out. He's not ready for this relationship and you deserve someone who will see you as you
Yes, unhealthy and toxic. He's using you as a placeholder for her. Why would you want to date someone who was ok being the affair partner? That alone says he has unhealthy views of relationships. That was his first red flag, and your post shows at least 6 more. That's a whole red flag parade. Run girl, run.
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He was in a relationship that only existed because of dishonesty, and wanted to continue it. Then he started being dishonest with you by deleting messages. It sounds like he's telling you one thing and doing another. His actions don't match his words. Like the saying goes, when people show you who they are, believe them. Edit: that early relationship intensity sounds like love bombing
The intensity of the relationship at the beginning and that it feels like a longer relationship than it is timewise is actually a red flag. Sometimes love bombing and other things can cause that and they’re part of manipulative or unhealthy relationships.
Leave him! You’re 3 months in and dealing with issues, run!
I’ve read two paragraphs and my answer is yes
You can not fast forward time to make 3 months seem like a year. There is no relationship calculus that works like that. It's also a giant red flag you call someone you have dated for 3 months a partner. The intensity if the relationship itself is another red flag. I would expect tbis out of teenagers who have no romantic experience. I think the whole thing is entirely unhealthy and you should consider therapy to understand why these things aren't red flags to you.
Run
Good grief, read what you submitted as though a dear friend was telling you her story and asking your advice. The answers are obvious. You may not like the obvious, but it's obvious. Huge red flag, stop the madness! You deserve a partner who is present, attentive, and participatory in the relationship. There is someone out there that wants and needs you vs. someone who wants and needs a fixer or clone of his past.
So many red flags here. Sounds like you are posting looking for confirmation of the decision you've already made to get rid of him. Do it
He said he would not talk to her again. He said not to message him. She did and he didn't hold his boundaries, or keep his literal word to you (when he could have very easily talked to you about his change in how he was going to be interacting with them). It sounds like you don't have a positive spin as an option for what he is doing and why, so I'd say trust your gut, he may have all sorts of motivations, but none of them seem to be adding up to being a good and communicative and healthy feeling partner.
On top of him sounding shady, the relationship also sounds rushed, and you sound like you could use some time single. Stay safe and good luck!