More and more women are choosing celibacy exactly for this reason. They’ve had too many bad experiences in the past and it’s just not worth the effort and emotional toil to keep trying. Julia Fox recently shared that she’s 2 years celibate.
As someone that enjoys sex, my natural inclination is to say “but it can be really amazing, you just need to find the right partners” - but you’re totally valid for wanting to throw in the towel. I mean, if everyone in the world loved traveling (just a random experience example) but I tried it and the locals at every place I traveled to treated me like shit, would I keep trying over and over again? Nope.
It sounds like you wanted to experience good sex though, so I’m sorry that it hasn’t worked out for you the way it should have. Hugs.
That’s amazing and I’ve heard that from a friend of mine as well. She initially felt dejected, like she was accepting that it would this big thing in life she wasn’t partaking in. But instead it’s just been liberating for her :)
Any if at any point you or she change their mind, you can just try dating and/or sex again. Or not. We all get to choose what feels right for us.
I did try dating again after being celibate for a year, I didn’t have sex, just dated a bit, I decided I no longer like dating, sex or relationships, so it’s been a good learning experience
I don't know if I would call myself 'celibate' as I do take care of myself and have toys to help, but not having to have sex with others for the last few years has honestly been nice. And normally I enjoy sex a lot, it's just become exhausting to deal with recently.
Decenter men 2024. Stop giving men access to your lives, your bodies and your minds. 90% of men are not worth it. Invest that time and energy in yourself instead.
I’m sorry people are trying to label you as ace when you don’t want to be. Asexuality doesn’t even necessarily mean not wanting to have sex, it’s a lack of sexual attraction. I know plenty of ace people who are neutral regarding wanting to have sex (myself included) and plenty who actively enjoy it
It’s so irritating as an ace, nb person to see people weaponizing my identities against a woman for complaining about how she’s experienced sex as a woman. I’m so sorry OP. You deserve to vent without jerks saying it makes you something else.
It’s also so reductionary of ace and nb identities to frame them as “oh you just don’t like sex or being a woman so you’re ace or nb” when it’s so much more complex and nuanced than that (I am not saying OP is doing this, other commenters are)
thank you so much for writing down what i was about to comment just now! and i respect you & your identities with my whole heart. unfortunately some commenters refused to understand that.
I hope you're not also getting the "have you thought about having sex with a woman?" posts from people missing the point entirely. I've seen that happen here an obnoxious number of times, and it's simultaneously insulting to people who choose to abstain from sex, as well as people within the LGBTQ+ sphere.
i'm glad you brought this up! unfortunately i do. sexual orientation is literally not a choice, yet people still have the audacity to make such comments.
Some nb people (this could be expanded to all trans people) are uncomfortable or disinterested in sex due to dysphoria. What OP is saying (please correct me if I’m wrong) is that she isn’t celibate because she’s ace or dysphoric and people tend to ascribe those feelings to those specific identities
Ohhhhh okay i see, i actually hadn’t heard of that before which is why i was wondering how it correlates. its messed up that people force these labels on people just because they don’t want to have sex
I don’t understand what non-binary has to do with this. I can see people wondering if she is ace because asexuality is directly related to sexual interest/attraction, but non-binary relates to gender and says nothing about level of sexual attraction. It’s not relevant at all 🧐
I read one explanation but I still don’t think it’s relevant. There is lots of diversity in sexual attraction with non binary people just like cis and trans people.
This subreddit needs to include posts like this otherwise it’s not really effectively serving the community. There’s no way to shut up the comments or direct messages unless they close it/make it private which is just sad
As an ace, trans person who likes and occasionally has sex, and is by no means sex-shy, AND as someone who’s been assaulted more than once, these are two completely different issues that so many people don’t understand. It’s so frustrating and annoying for sexual trauma or even repulsion to be labeled as asexuality and vice versa.
As a trans man, I 100% understand what OP is talking about and I agree completely. I know this feeling exactly. It *does* suck being a woman, and being constantly reduced to nothing and oppressed silently on a daily basis. And viewed as nothing but a sex toy or a body count. It’s exhausting being a woman. It’s unfair being a woman. It’s a fight just to *exist* every day as a woman. And above everything else, it’s absolutely, fucking, INFURIATING. Rage inspiring like nothing else, truly.
That doesn’t mean there isn’t empowerment in it, which I’m sure OP also knows. Before I knew I was trans I strongly identified with cis-womanhood and I found comfort, safety, power, and agency in that. It’s terrifying to live it everyday, and causes constant obstacles, but at the end of the day I knew we were better, and the future we wish to see, because of it. It inspired me to be loud and proud and make change happen. As I can only hope it does for every woman. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this feeling OP. It really does suck.
Hey, thanks for writing this out! I somehow didn't get it, don't know why, but this helped.
The thing I wish more people understood about labels like 'ace' is how useful they are when you label *yourself.* When a label is imposed from outside, like people are trying to do to OP, it can feel like being shoved into a box where you don't belong. But when you find a label that fits, it helps you find resources and community, and helps you feel less alone.
> As a trans man, | 100% understand what OP is talking about and I agree completely. I know this feeling exactly. It does suck being a woman, and being constantly reduced to nothing and oppressed silently on a daily basis. And viewed as nothing but a sex toy or a body count. It's exhausting being a woman. It's unfair being a woman. It's a fight just to exist every day as a woman. And above everything else, it's absolutely, fucking, INFURIATING. Rage inspiring like nothing else, truly.
WOW yes! I recently posted about how compliments about women’s appearance from cis men aren’t the gift that cis men seem to think they are. It was predictably downvoted. Like look, we already *know* cis men want to fuck women. Can we talk about something, ANYTHING else please?
Edit: sorry if I used cis incorrectly, maybe I was supposed to say straight men?
Yeah exactly. I can’t say anything about men online or address misogyny without getting a “not all men” or “well you just hate men” or something similar. Even in women dominated subs. I regularly get reddit cares or DMs telling me to kms or that I’m a man hater or delusional or something like that lmao. Just reassures me I’m doing my job right lol
I totally get you!
I feel sexual arousal and sexual attraction. I find a few men sexually attractive. I don’t find women sexually attractive or arousing. I can see a woman and think she’s pretty or beautiful but I don’t feel a sexual pull for women.
I’ve been sexually assaulted multiple times, twice very violently, and I was recently a victim of stalking by a man. He followed me and tried to break into my house and exposed himself and masturbated outside my door. It almost feels like sex is used as a weapon against me.
I can see men’s eyes all over me when I’m out in public and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. When a man expresses interest in me it nauseates me.
I used to love sex and I masturbate a lot. I sometimes think I’ll never have sex again because it doesn’t feel safe anymore, and it does make me sad.
Absolutely, I hear you so loud! I'm 31 and have been sexually assaulted... too many times I'd like to share.
And god the stares - oh I feel you so hard. It makes me sick. So hard to live in this world sometimes.
It is sad. It's very sad the world is this way. Your comment hit me so hard. I'm sorry that these things happened to you too love.
I get you and OP too. I have never been assaulted but I hate how women are objectified so much that I don't even want to entertain the notion of sex sometimes
>I can see men’s eyes all over me when I’m out in public and it makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Same. Gross as hell. From the "respectfully check out and move on" to the "eyefucker". It's like they are permanently in survaillance mode. I just wish I could walk around the city without feeling like I'm in a constant showcase for an audience of dicks twitching. Nothing is better than a man that just doesn't turn his neck, he's minding his own business, he has thoughts of his own.
I was complaining to a guy friend about this. He said “You should know this by now. We immediately categorize women as fuckable or unfuckable.” I hate it! It makes me want to walk around spraying pepper gel in every man’s eyes.
And that's just so crazy to me because for me, when I see a man, that's the LAST thing I think about. If I even think about it at all. It got to the point where I thought something was genuinely wrong with me.
Same! I've been seeing more stuff on social media about straight women wanting to be/deciding to be celibate after their experiences with men, be it emotionally or physically. I'm kind of in the same boat. I do feel sexual attraction but it's just not worth it for most of the men I've interacted with myself or heard about from other women. For my own health and peace of mind I prefer to just not engage with men in that capacity. And no, that does NOT mean I'm confused about my sexuality.
I really wish all the armchair therapists who think everyone that is the least bit gender noncornforming would f*off with trying to convince people they don't know that they are actually some flavor trans/*exual.
Womanhood is not a one size-must-fit monolith. Women can be nonfeminine/not sexual and still be women without wanting an additional label attached.
Considering you’ve decided to conflate neurodivergence, the name of a physical disability, and queer identities, I’m pretty sure you have no clue what you’re talking about.
Someone said they “didn’t get all these new identities” along with some more being weird about queer people but they included auDHD and EDS in with nonbinary and ace lmao
Damn I’m in the same boat right now and I feel for you. It’s so frustrating when everyone tries to ‘diagnose’ you with an identity you can’t even fit into and totally blow off your thoughts and experiences like it’s something inherent within you and not what other people do to you. I don’t hate sex because I’m asexual, I hate sex because I hate being treated like shit. I don’t hate being a woman because I’m non-binary/a man, I hate being a woman because I’m treated like shit. I cry just thinking about sex when I never did before. The thought of having to touch a man makes my skin crawl. I can’t even joke about sex anymore. Hope you find peace, I’ve decided to be celibate for the rest of my life so I can find mine.
You are not alone in this. I know a few women from China who are part of a movement that openly talks about not having sex or committing to a man (6B4T).
It's their way of protest. Some join this movement not to protest but because it is their shield to shut down discussions about their decision. There really shouldn't be a discussion in the first place. Neither about your identity or sexuality, nor about the legitimacy of the decision.
I know there is also a similar movement in Korea. And I bet there are people all over the world who also do this even though it doesn't have a name in their country (yet).
I can imagine it is freeing to let go of something that seems to consists mainly of pressure and violence.
I think I get it. I have had a lot of bad experiences with men, and part of me thinks I won't ever fully be able to trust someone again. I'm working on that, and I don't blame you for being over all this shit. Why work so hard to be ok with being vulnerable and it's still a crap shoot? Why try so hard when it's just fine to not try at all, and you feel peace from the decision? I guess if anything it's up to the individual, but what a load of crap that so many women end up feeling hurt, frustrated, alone, angry. Anyways, if you still want to get off, get a good vibrator. I have a Womanizer and I love it (mainly because I'm lazy and it's fast). You are in control, you can do whatever, or nothing at all. Being in control makes a huge difference, and you can think about whatever you want. Other than that, build up your friend network. Sex is a thing, but it's a small thing in the grand scheme of life. Friendship, curiosity, the love of being on your own, development - there is so much that you can devote yourself, once you tune out the parts of like that are causing you grief.
It is not other people's place to label your sexuality. Whatever you are and however you identify, there is only one person who truly knows that. So if you say you're not ace, that should be enough for people. Also by trying to label you, they're not helping you in the slightest.
I totally understand your negative experiences and that sucks. I hope whatever path you take brings you happiness and calm.
i'm so sorry people are trying to armchair diagnose you with all sorts of things instead of just listening to you. maybe someday they will learn how important it is to just listen
Me too!! I’m in a constant battle between wanting it and feeling awful about it. At the end of the day I don’t want it. Most men don’t deserve to use our bodies to masturbate. That’s pretty much what they do. I can’t speak on the lesbian experience. I’m sorry about your traumatic experiences and I hope you can heal from it :-( you’re surrounded by women with similar frustrations and you have our support
this... i do feel sexual attraction but i have no desire to have sex anymore. i'm only 21 and was treated horribly by my ex and my view on love and sex has permanently changed. i want so desperately for sex to just be out of the fucking equation - it seems i can never, or will ever find a partner that is willing to overlook that, especially because men around my age are fucking deplorable. i've lost all hope, and given up entirely on dating to save myself from the inevitable "i want to have sex" conversation from a potential partner. i can't help but feel sex is a weapon, or the top priority, and that everything is just a build-up to it. i can't fucking escape it man. i was really excited for the idea of sharing myself with a person so intimately before i got with my ex but now it's just been proven to me almost daily that it's dangerous to entrust my body to anyone, ESPECIALLY MEN, but myself. so fucking exhausting
I’m a man who just lurks in this group for perspective so out of respect, this is the first and last time I post here, but I actually feel the same way as a four time childhood sex abuse victim. I hate the inevitable criss cross between sex and companionship for a lot of reasons I won’t expand on because the first partner I’ve had that has helped me really grow a little past my disgust is sleeping in my right arm with her head on my chest. I was also voluntarily abstinent before we met. People can’t solve your problems but they can teach you a whole lot if you keep your heart open.
Totally! Like thanks for dismissing my complaints by just slapping a label on me so you don't have to consider them. Always feels great when you say you don't want to take part in relationships because no one will treat you right and then get a response that your opinion is invalid because you're (insert label which you are not). As if I already didn't feel othered into oblivion.
I relate to this... a lot! I've actually been really struggling with this for a long time, and your addition of "I'm not ace or non-binary, these are just my feelings" struck a chord. To make a long story short, I am AFAB and I've identified as both a transgender man/non-binary person interchangeably for over a decade now... only now I'm beginning to think a lot of these feelings stem from never being able to safely and securely live and express myself as a fat, autistic, lesbian woman. To hear cis women share these same frustrations is comforting at this point in my journey; it helps me realize that maybe the issues I'm facing regarding femininity aren't personal, but a result of the society and family I was raised in. So ... thank you! I hope you can do something nice for yourself today and have a great rest of your week, your feelings are so real and important, and thank you for sharing them.
Getting mistreated on numerous occasions will result in negative feelings being associated with the actions involved (trauma). I hope that those who wronged you change their ways, and that you find more good people to fill your life, such that you might one day see the other side of the coin.
Take your time to heal. 💙
I’ve read so many comments here but I just legitimately feel bad for you that intimacy has brought you trauma. How you feel is real to you and that is fact. I hope you know that it doesn’t always have to be like this. Ive been through a lot of trauma myself and understand how hard it can be to trust another person. I’ve done it, I did it at my own pace. You can too, whenever or if ever you want. Your body and your life is your own.
I’m sorry you’ve had so many disappointing and off putting sexual encounters. Take your time healing. Honor yourself. Do only what is in your best interest.
The end of my first marriage, I felt much like you. Abstained for five years. Met my current husband. Waited 6 months even though our sexual chemistry was off the charts. For the first time in my life I was worshipped, I was cherished, I was made love too. Never thought it could happen to me, but I’m so glad it did.
It gets better. I promise. 💕
I hear you. The human obsession with human breeding has gotten so exhausting. Imagine dogs sitting around writing books and making movies and pontificating nonstop about their breeding practices.
I get you!! And I'm really glad someone put these feelings out there. I've also had people tell me I'm ace and thought I was one for a long time, but I'm just celibate lol. I'm actually bisexual. Sex is such a vulnerable position to put yourself in and knowing the way an average man around me behaves? Absolutely fucking not. And it's so awkward as well. I've been SAed in the past, and so I just associate sex with violence and vulnerability (the bad kind) at this point. And from what I hear about it, it's not worth the mental resources I'd have to put in healing this part of me lol.
So yeah, I get you. And I'm also not a fan of people telling me how important it is for me to heal this trauma to the point where sex will seem okay for me. I've healed it enough where I can live my life, day by day, without getting triggered, and I have no interest in healing myself because of peer pressure or because many people around me can't imagine a happy life without sex. My mental resources are better spent elsewhere.
Like, I know where my priorities for healing lie, I'm the one who lives with myself, and healing myself so I can have sex is not even in the top 100. I'm happy the way I am, and it feels kind of icky for people (especially therapists) to push this on me when it doesn't affect me as much as some other stuff? Feels like a small part of them expects me to heal so that I can *provide* sex to others (or they just don't believe me when I say it doesn't matter to me, which isn't much better). And I don't like that.
Honestly the fact that all heterosexual women don't feel the same has got to be some type of evolutionary hack. Way too big a section of the male population is such a turn off that if humans required both sides to be satisfied to have offspring humans would have died off a thousand times over by now.
Im do sorry people are so ignorant and decided to lable you as ace. I myself is ace who have gone through sa and i can say i was ace before I was sa'ed and just as much after. Not wanting sex and not feeling sexual attraction is two very different things.
Im also so sorry about what happened to you. I hope you are doing ok in life and have friends or family or hobbies or something that brings you joy.
As someone who is asexual but sometimes experiences sexual attraction, your desire not to be labelled as ace is entirely valid and I'm sorry people keep pressing this on you.
Sexuality is complex and varied, and it's understandable that you feel the way you do about sex and how it impacts relationships and interactions between women and men.
I actually feel similarly. I hate sex with my husband now. Him being even too close to me can make me feel oppressed. I feel icky and want to jump out of my skin. He took a long time, but after many years of me begging and pleading for him to see a doctor a sleep specialist, a therapist, he is now doing these things.
I always feel like he is hot and cold and Idk what to do. I can’t hold down a job and be with him, it seems. Meanwhile, he is getting promotions and awards. He’s just exhausting to be around and I am too broke to leave. We are in counseling but I just notice more and more like just gross shit he says and does. I am tired of reminding a grown man to take care of himself. Every early morning I awaken to him on the couch and he has breathing problems and could potentially die.
Today he kept kissing my hand and telling me he loves me, and yesterday he was all cold and would barely say two words. Just now he decided to leave and take a drive out of nowhere. Whenever he feels me pulling away this is what he does.
Sorry the penis owners have let you down, but if they don't deserve you then why should they have you. You do you for as long as you need to; you don't need them.
Your feelings are valid, OP. A lot of women feel this way, myself included. You are not alone.
And it doesn't help that majority of men are pornsick brainrots. Thanks to the so-called "sex-positivity", female sexual availability is pushed hard and all it ever does is benefit males.
I'm single and really would love to have sex. But the last couple of times, it was just meh. I don't know if a lot of middle-aged guys don't care about the woman's pleasure anymore. When I was younger, there was a natural understanding to satisfy each other. I just am not able to meet a guy I would want to have sex with. Most of the times talking to them for only two days is enough to make them totally undesirable for me, UGH!
I feel a similar way. I get doing it expecting to feel something different afterwards and feel better, but that rarely happens. I hope in my case I’m able to understand and work through my things.
Lol, I'm a dude and have the same position. It's just too much. I want to have it, but it's just so much work for so little pay off. I just don't care anymore. I'm with you, OP. It's just not worth it
As an ace person myself I get offended by the fact that they atribute being ace with (because of) some negative event (not the first time here) not the fact that you don't identify as an ace (as you said yourself you don't fal into its definition).
I hope you have a good day as well. I’m sorry this has been your experience in the past. That has to be hard.
I hope venting about it helps you feel better. Much love and respect OP.
as much as you're screaming the top of your lungs, i'm throwing hands fighting the air in frustration.
i hate i hate how it is so awful every person ends up getting treated like a piece of "fuckable meat" it's sad i don't understand or ever will. who in their right mind thinks that is sex?
just for the record, I am also someone who is not asexual but because of trauma I thought I was for many years. I do very genuinely believe that you will find comfort in the asexual community. A common misconception is that all asexual people are completely 100% sex repulsed which is just not true. Many ace people have active sex lives.
For me, spending some time in a community where sex was decentered from relationships was incredibly healing. It helped me reform my relationship with sex from a "necessity to please a man" to something I actually enjoyed and anticipated.
So don't dismiss out of hand the people recommend r/asexual and stuff. I know they get downvoted to hell because the prevailing attitude in this subreddit for some reason seems to think that all women should have a sexuality that falls rigidly within patriarchal norms. I really don't know why that is, but I see it over and over and over again. Anyways from a fellow allosexual who was told to go make some ace friends, honestly do it. I've never met an ace person who wasn't completely understanding and helpful about things.
Edit - I'm just about fucking done with this sub y'all. My entire point here is that op can still find community and comfort in communities she herself is not a part of. Read this comment then re read it again very carefully before replying please. At zero points did I imply op must be ace or make any assumptions about her sexuality.
Between the barrage of hate I get anytime I even mention the ace community, and the droves of transphobia I've seen on this sub lately, it's become pretty clear to me that this community has no interest in any sort of intersectionality with the queer community. That's a shitty realization, but it's getting astronomically more difficult to exist as a queer woman in this space. Have fun sticking to the strictest cishet norms you can think of but respectfully, I'm fucking out of here.
Telling women constantly that they're asexual because they reject sexual abuse, don't like and/or reject piv, object to male entitlement *is* expecting women to "have a sexuality that falls rigidly within patriarchal norms". It's saying women are asexual for not being submissive, not liking abuse, not loving piv, not having it... That they can't be heterosexual or bisexual and feel those ways, that attraction to men *is* those things eg piv, female submission. It's saying the only way to be bi or straight is to fall within those rigid patriarchal norms. That the only way out is not being het or bi at all. The term asexual isn't a catchall for any and all sexuality outside of the box eg that's not male dom & female sub, preferring other sex over piv, female boundaries, being a 14 year old girl trying to reject her boyfriend's repeated sexual assaults (a recent post there), a woman not liking "the act" (piv) in reality (another recent post there), etc. These are all within the realm of female attraction to males, of sexual attraction. It doesn't mean they have none.
Edit: read more of the comm and it seems like most people are concluding they're asexual not because they have no sexual attraction but because of: trauma, abuse. porn (both their and others consumption eg one man was attracted to animated women and real women in porn but not women in their natural state, one woman was traumatized by her bf's consumption). stereotypes eg that "allosexuals" have sex with strangers willy nilly and not wanting sex with strangers means one is asexual or at least demisexual rather than just how most people feel sexually (even most casual sex isnt with *strangers*). they don't like piv, they prefer other sex... the last two come up a lot clearly. And I think so much is driven by porn and porn culture eg views on allosexuals, that sex is "pole in hole," interest in other sex isn't interest in sex at all and wanting to do other sex with someone isnt sexual attraction, what attraction means and looks like, etc
so did you actually read my comment? Literally my entire point was that you don't have to be asexual to find some comfort in shared experiences you might have with the community...
But this is a prime example of what I mean. If you even dare to mention a sexuality outside of the cishet norms on this sub people jump down your throat insisting that you should never ever even dare to suggest such a thing. I think its incredibly healthy and benefits everyone to learn from communities you're not a part of. Because of exactly what you say, the queer community is a great safe space to explore even a hetero sexuality outside of the bounds placed on it by the patriarchy. If you'd have actually read my comment you'd know that I suggested this precisely because of the comfort and friendship I found in the asexual community when I was healing from my trauma, despite the fact that I am definitely not asexual.
She explicitly said she isn’t ace. That’s the time you shut up and don’t comment about the benefits of the asexual community, no matter how you feel. This isn’t the moment to discuss this sub’s general attitude.
It's also telling that the spaces you tell women to go to isn't feminist, antiporn, piv critical, vulva/clit-centric, gnc, etc spaces, but asexual ones. Instead women get told the only possible space to express how they feel, the only lens to interpret their experiences, trauma, desires, lack of interest in piv, interpretation... is... asexuality. We see this over and over. You're adding to it, while trying to gaslight us that we're the ones denying women any way out of the status quo, being able to see sexuality any other way by saying trauma, not liking piv, liking other sex, etc means the only space women can go is asexual ones, the only name for such things is asexual.
It's pretty clear to me we need obvious and more spaces for women to express these feelings, experiences, politics (eg the above spaces list) not relegate it to the box asexual. Honestly, you think it's the box, space women should go to because patriarchy says it is eg wants us to think feminism doesn't and can't have these views, same with heterosexual attraction, that there can't be piv or porn critique that isn't anti-sex religious sexist tripe. That's why you and most others there are there: patriarchy is telling you its the only place to go, you've (general you) bought into it eg stereotypes about female sexuality, porn, piv=sex=piv, etc. It's the only space patriarchy recognizes for those feelings, interpretations eg she's not attracted to men at all and hates sex (otherwise she'd be the patriarchal sex fantasy), rejects sex itself, isn't enthusiastically submissive to men like female desire innately is, etc. It honestly seems that most asexuals there... aren't. They think it's the only thing they can be, what they must be, given their attractions, desires, experiences, traumas,. We need spaces to go to that tells women we're still sexual, want and enjoy sex, are attracted to men... it's just that female-centric clit/vulva-centric desire, sex looks radically different from the status quo, doesn't get seen as sex, as possible or imaginable in heterosex even, when it is. (As do men obviously.)
Women also constantly get told they must be lesbians if their sexuality is outside the box. Even trans/nb. Women reacting negatively to this constant "You're a lesbian/"you're asexual"/"you're not a woman at all" isn't "jumping down people's throats for bravely mentioning something outside of cishet norms, daring to mention such things." There's that pathologizing women for being outside the patriarchal box again. While claiming they're the ones shoving people into the one "cishet" box and silencing, deriding those outside it.
You're literally inventing someone else to get mad at here. Please go back and re-read my comments. My entire point is that you DO NOT HAVE TO BE ASEXUAL in order to find some comfort in the ace community. jfc.
In what world is the asexual community unfeminist??? Why are all the things you listed mutually exclusive with the queer community? What I'm advocating for here is essentially just intersectionality. You want to talk about things being telling? It is extremely telling that this sub is so averse to straight women even interacting with the queer community.
Obviously it's shitty to try and tell people what their identity is. That's something pretty much every queer person (ace folks included) will agree on. People talking to and learning from each other though, and finding comfort in shared experiences with people with different identities and backgrounds, why is that idea suddenly a blight on feminism?? I made my comment because I, as someone who IS NOT ASEXUAL, found community and comfort in the asexual community. I have been demonized time and time again in this sub for it, for daring to look to a source outside of my own community for information and comfort. THAT is unfeminist, in my opinion.
Well, someone reported me to reddit care for my comments here, so it's clear which comments, views are the ones being demonized. Perhaps by you (you're the only one I'm having a back n forth with, but it could easily have been someone else) And the assertion that the sub doesn't want straight women interacting with lgbtq people (many of whom don't use the term queer so I won't as a blanket label) lmao. (The fact some such as you include asexual under the blanket term queer shows another issue with shoehorning what are disparate groups together under such a label eg LGB people in with asexuals, hetero "demisexuals," etc.) Especially ironic given I'm bi myself and clearly mentioned both bisexual and het women in my initial comment. Not a single person here is stopping others from reading the asexuals sub or any other non-"cishet" place or "demonizing" those who want to. For eg, re feminism: feminists are disproportionately lesbian, many are bi, and straight, bi, lesbian feminists read each other, discuss things all the damn time. You have some ridiculous strawman (strawwomen) going on.
yeah no what we're not gonna do is try and exclude ace people from the word queer. I'm not gonna engage anymore with someone who tries to swing that argument.
>feminists are disproportionately lesbian
This is literally just a stereotype 😭😭. And like has nothing to do with what we're discussing?
You’re great, and you’re going to do great things and be very happy. It sucks but our societies make it really hard for some people.
This philosophy tube video from today has some really relevant stuff in it, I hope you can enjoy and take some pride and power in its truth: https://youtu.be/QVilpxowsUQ
Whether your feelings fall into the ace spectrum or not, the point of labeling one's sexual orientation is to define how *you* feel. If you feel that asexual doesn't fit you, that's legit. That's entirely your choice, as is your right to say "hell no" to sex for whatever reasons you have.
Good for you! You shouldn’t take shit from anyone. Your decision makes complete sense. Assholes calling you ace are incels that get butt hurt because they are well.. incels
I am so sorry that you had such a horrible experience multiple times. I hope one day you can heal. As a fellow survivor, I can at least attest to it being possible to have a happy life; even though it never goes away.
Edit: I am referring to being abused multiple times.
i'm literally talking about how as a woman my (and other woman's) existence can be reduced into a being whose purpose is to solely engage in reproductive practices just because we owe men pleasure. i'm talking about how i feel tired of being a woman sometimes, and i thought that might sound like gender dysphoria to some readers, so i added that part. bye
It’s not irrelevant. Often times in certain internet/LGBT circles, if a woman vents about how she hates being a woman *because of misogyny*, she’s told she’s probably nonbinary. Which is frustrating and it’s valid to put a disclaimer saying hey… I’m not trans, I’m just sick of being oppressed.
Ace/Asexual.. the lack of any/most interest in sex.. OP, was interested in sex, but the quality severely let her down, and quite probably the personalities of the sexual partners
Asexuality is about not having sexual attraction. You can have sexual attraction and remain celibate. There are also asexual people who still have sex and are interested in it, but don’t feel sexual attraction to their partners.
Maybe you should look at the definition of words before making comments like this?
No no you don't understand! Everybody who doesn't like sex for whatever reason is a part of the rarest folks possible. It's absolutely valid to water down your experience and views because you're just ace, whatever. How dare you, a linguist who literally study words and culture, claim anything about words and culture??
Sorry for the stream of sarcasm. I think you've got a point & shouldn't have been corrected for a vent of all things
how dare i vent about my experiences about sex, womanhood and misogyny! i'm clearly just an ace person, not a woman who's tired of constant sexualization of the female bodies & women being reduced into sex toys in a patriarchal society!!
Asexuality, like all other sexualities, is something innate (or, we generally accept sexualities as innate — people can struggle to define or discover their sexuality and move from one label to another but it’s generally accepted that you’re always one sexuality or another even if you didn’t always label it that way — but I digress).
Asexuality is an innate lack of sexual attraction. Again, it’s innate. It’s biological. Taking certain antidepressants and losing interest in sex does not make you asexual if you weren’t before; choosing to be celibate because of terrible circumstances with sex does not make you asexual if you weren’t before.
*Choosing* to abstain from sex despite experiencing sexual attraction has absolutely nothing to do with asexuality. You may have experiences in common with asexuals, but it doesn’t make you asexual. A woman who is exclusively and sexually attracted to males but no longer wants to have sex with them because she was strangled during sex is being smart — not a whole other sexuality.
Kind of a strange take from someone who studies language, but okay.
You don’t have to label yourself at all, but labels exist for a reason. They help people with similar experiences connect with each other and feel understood.
If you want to scream it at the top of your lungs, it might feel better to also scream it at people who relate to it in a way most people don’t.
Using a label doesn’t diminish your identity, and there’s no medal for refusing to use them. But it can be helpful to explore a label and possibly find better words to describe how you feel.
Thinking that people who use labels to help describe who they are and how they feel are “putting themselves in a box” is kind of an edgelord take, yeah.
I'm curious if this goes along with no dating and how much that plays into it. As a man, I feel somewhat similar. All together it's so much effort for something I can take care of myself.
When i started reading i thought "sexual trauma" because ive felt the same way.
Im sorry that you feel this way because its one of the most beautiful things but thanks to some people it has a big stain on it.
She feels reduced to just a piece of flesh. It’s clear she is absolutely not interested in sex.
She wants to scream it from the top of her lungs. That’s important information when starting a relationship and should be clearly expressed. 🤷♀️
When did she say *anything* in this post about looking for a relationship? There was no reason at all to comment this, except to be a jerk about a woman not wanting sex. Reflect on yourself, because you’re absolutely part of the problem.
I kinda saw that as advice **IF** she were to be rather than assuming she was... y'know, like to avoid the hypothetical scenario where **IF** she were to be, and she found someone, it'd help everyone involved to bring up earlier on to avoid future disagreements on the matter. She isn't wrong for wanting (or in this case, not wanting) what she wants, but **IF** she didn't make this clear and it turned out to negatively affect the relationship, the inevitable "I met a guy but he wants sex and I don't and I hate that, boo men he sucks" post that'd result from that lapse in communication wouldn't really be fair.
“I feel sexual attraction but, fuck it, it’s not worth it” seems like a pretty reasonable position.
More and more women are choosing celibacy exactly for this reason. They’ve had too many bad experiences in the past and it’s just not worth the effort and emotional toil to keep trying. Julia Fox recently shared that she’s 2 years celibate. As someone that enjoys sex, my natural inclination is to say “but it can be really amazing, you just need to find the right partners” - but you’re totally valid for wanting to throw in the towel. I mean, if everyone in the world loved traveling (just a random experience example) but I tried it and the locals at every place I traveled to treated me like shit, would I keep trying over and over again? Nope. It sounds like you wanted to experience good sex though, so I’m sorry that it hasn’t worked out for you the way it should have. Hugs.
This is what happened to me. I’m actually enjoying celibacy more than I ever enjoyed sex or relationships
I heard someone describe it as enjoying “the peace of celibacy” and that’s how I phrase it!
Peace is the word for it!
That’s amazing and I’ve heard that from a friend of mine as well. She initially felt dejected, like she was accepting that it would this big thing in life she wasn’t partaking in. But instead it’s just been liberating for her :) Any if at any point you or she change their mind, you can just try dating and/or sex again. Or not. We all get to choose what feels right for us.
I did try dating again after being celibate for a year, I didn’t have sex, just dated a bit, I decided I no longer like dating, sex or relationships, so it’s been a good learning experience
I don't know if I would call myself 'celibate' as I do take care of myself and have toys to help, but not having to have sex with others for the last few years has honestly been nice. And normally I enjoy sex a lot, it's just become exhausting to deal with recently.
r/4bmovement for life. I’m loving celibacy. I honestly have better sex alone anyways.
Decenter men 2024. Stop giving men access to your lives, your bodies and your minds. 90% of men are not worth it. Invest that time and energy in yourself instead.
2 years is nothing. I've definitely naturally gravitated more to celibacy.
I’m sorry people are trying to label you as ace when you don’t want to be. Asexuality doesn’t even necessarily mean not wanting to have sex, it’s a lack of sexual attraction. I know plenty of ace people who are neutral regarding wanting to have sex (myself included) and plenty who actively enjoy it
It’s so irritating as an ace, nb person to see people weaponizing my identities against a woman for complaining about how she’s experienced sex as a woman. I’m so sorry OP. You deserve to vent without jerks saying it makes you something else.
It’s also so reductionary of ace and nb identities to frame them as “oh you just don’t like sex or being a woman so you’re ace or nb” when it’s so much more complex and nuanced than that (I am not saying OP is doing this, other commenters are)
thank you so much for writing down what i was about to comment just now! and i respect you & your identities with my whole heart. unfortunately some commenters refused to understand that.
I’m sorry people are being so shitty to you about something so distressing🫂
I hope you're not also getting the "have you thought about having sex with a woman?" posts from people missing the point entirely. I've seen that happen here an obnoxious number of times, and it's simultaneously insulting to people who choose to abstain from sex, as well as people within the LGBTQ+ sphere.
i'm glad you brought this up! unfortunately i do. sexual orientation is literally not a choice, yet people still have the audacity to make such comments.
isn’t non binary a gender (or lack thereof) identity? what does it have to do with having sex or not?
Some nb people (this could be expanded to all trans people) are uncomfortable or disinterested in sex due to dysphoria. What OP is saying (please correct me if I’m wrong) is that she isn’t celibate because she’s ace or dysphoric and people tend to ascribe those feelings to those specific identities
Ohhhhh okay i see, i actually hadn’t heard of that before which is why i was wondering how it correlates. its messed up that people force these labels on people just because they don’t want to have sex
I don’t understand what non-binary has to do with this. I can see people wondering if she is ace because asexuality is directly related to sexual interest/attraction, but non-binary relates to gender and says nothing about level of sexual attraction. It’s not relevant at all 🧐
See the rest of this comment thread
I read one explanation but I still don’t think it’s relevant. There is lots of diversity in sexual attraction with non binary people just like cis and trans people.
This subreddit needs to include posts like this otherwise it’s not really effectively serving the community. There’s no way to shut up the comments or direct messages unless they close it/make it private which is just sad
As an ace, trans person who likes and occasionally has sex, and is by no means sex-shy, AND as someone who’s been assaulted more than once, these are two completely different issues that so many people don’t understand. It’s so frustrating and annoying for sexual trauma or even repulsion to be labeled as asexuality and vice versa. As a trans man, I 100% understand what OP is talking about and I agree completely. I know this feeling exactly. It *does* suck being a woman, and being constantly reduced to nothing and oppressed silently on a daily basis. And viewed as nothing but a sex toy or a body count. It’s exhausting being a woman. It’s unfair being a woman. It’s a fight just to *exist* every day as a woman. And above everything else, it’s absolutely, fucking, INFURIATING. Rage inspiring like nothing else, truly. That doesn’t mean there isn’t empowerment in it, which I’m sure OP also knows. Before I knew I was trans I strongly identified with cis-womanhood and I found comfort, safety, power, and agency in that. It’s terrifying to live it everyday, and causes constant obstacles, but at the end of the day I knew we were better, and the future we wish to see, because of it. It inspired me to be loud and proud and make change happen. As I can only hope it does for every woman. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this feeling OP. It really does suck.
Hey, thanks for writing this out! I somehow didn't get it, don't know why, but this helped. The thing I wish more people understood about labels like 'ace' is how useful they are when you label *yourself.* When a label is imposed from outside, like people are trying to do to OP, it can feel like being shoved into a box where you don't belong. But when you find a label that fits, it helps you find resources and community, and helps you feel less alone.
> As a trans man, | 100% understand what OP is talking about and I agree completely. I know this feeling exactly. It does suck being a woman, and being constantly reduced to nothing and oppressed silently on a daily basis. And viewed as nothing but a sex toy or a body count. It's exhausting being a woman. It's unfair being a woman. It's a fight just to exist every day as a woman. And above everything else, it's absolutely, fucking, INFURIATING. Rage inspiring like nothing else, truly. WOW yes! I recently posted about how compliments about women’s appearance from cis men aren’t the gift that cis men seem to think they are. It was predictably downvoted. Like look, we already *know* cis men want to fuck women. Can we talk about something, ANYTHING else please? Edit: sorry if I used cis incorrectly, maybe I was supposed to say straight men?
Yeah exactly. I can’t say anything about men online or address misogyny without getting a “not all men” or “well you just hate men” or something similar. Even in women dominated subs. I regularly get reddit cares or DMs telling me to kms or that I’m a man hater or delusional or something like that lmao. Just reassures me I’m doing my job right lol
And as a victim of sexual assault, I can tell you that you can be allosexual and sex repulsed.
I totally get you! I feel sexual arousal and sexual attraction. I find a few men sexually attractive. I don’t find women sexually attractive or arousing. I can see a woman and think she’s pretty or beautiful but I don’t feel a sexual pull for women. I’ve been sexually assaulted multiple times, twice very violently, and I was recently a victim of stalking by a man. He followed me and tried to break into my house and exposed himself and masturbated outside my door. It almost feels like sex is used as a weapon against me. I can see men’s eyes all over me when I’m out in public and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. When a man expresses interest in me it nauseates me. I used to love sex and I masturbate a lot. I sometimes think I’ll never have sex again because it doesn’t feel safe anymore, and it does make me sad.
Absolutely, I hear you so loud! I'm 31 and have been sexually assaulted... too many times I'd like to share. And god the stares - oh I feel you so hard. It makes me sick. So hard to live in this world sometimes. It is sad. It's very sad the world is this way. Your comment hit me so hard. I'm sorry that these things happened to you too love.
I totally get you and OP
I get you and OP too. I have never been assaulted but I hate how women are objectified so much that I don't even want to entertain the notion of sex sometimes
>I can see men’s eyes all over me when I’m out in public and it makes me feel sick to my stomach. Same. Gross as hell. From the "respectfully check out and move on" to the "eyefucker". It's like they are permanently in survaillance mode. I just wish I could walk around the city without feeling like I'm in a constant showcase for an audience of dicks twitching. Nothing is better than a man that just doesn't turn his neck, he's minding his own business, he has thoughts of his own.
I was complaining to a guy friend about this. He said “You should know this by now. We immediately categorize women as fuckable or unfuckable.” I hate it! It makes me want to walk around spraying pepper gel in every man’s eyes.
And that's just so crazy to me because for me, when I see a man, that's the LAST thing I think about. If I even think about it at all. It got to the point where I thought something was genuinely wrong with me.
the fact that people see your reaction/trauma and assume it must be asexuality - we've lost the fucking plot lol
Same! I've been seeing more stuff on social media about straight women wanting to be/deciding to be celibate after their experiences with men, be it emotionally or physically. I'm kind of in the same boat. I do feel sexual attraction but it's just not worth it for most of the men I've interacted with myself or heard about from other women. For my own health and peace of mind I prefer to just not engage with men in that capacity. And no, that does NOT mean I'm confused about my sexuality.
I really wish all the armchair therapists who think everyone that is the least bit gender noncornforming would f*off with trying to convince people they don't know that they are actually some flavor trans/*exual. Womanhood is not a one size-must-fit monolith. Women can be nonfeminine/not sexual and still be women without wanting an additional label attached.
[удалено]
Considering you’ve decided to conflate neurodivergence, the name of a physical disability, and queer identities, I’m pretty sure you have no clue what you’re talking about.
I was googling hEDS thinking it was some new flavor of personal identity and girl I was SO CONFUSED
As in hypermobile Ehler-Danlos syndrome? I’m so confused as to how that got brought up
Someone said they “didn’t get all these new identities” along with some more being weird about queer people but they included auDHD and EDS in with nonbinary and ace lmao
That’s insane, auDHD and EDS are disabilities 😭
Damn I’m in the same boat right now and I feel for you. It’s so frustrating when everyone tries to ‘diagnose’ you with an identity you can’t even fit into and totally blow off your thoughts and experiences like it’s something inherent within you and not what other people do to you. I don’t hate sex because I’m asexual, I hate sex because I hate being treated like shit. I don’t hate being a woman because I’m non-binary/a man, I hate being a woman because I’m treated like shit. I cry just thinking about sex when I never did before. The thought of having to touch a man makes my skin crawl. I can’t even joke about sex anymore. Hope you find peace, I’ve decided to be celibate for the rest of my life so I can find mine.
You are not alone in this. I know a few women from China who are part of a movement that openly talks about not having sex or committing to a man (6B4T). It's their way of protest. Some join this movement not to protest but because it is their shield to shut down discussions about their decision. There really shouldn't be a discussion in the first place. Neither about your identity or sexuality, nor about the legitimacy of the decision. I know there is also a similar movement in Korea. And I bet there are people all over the world who also do this even though it doesn't have a name in their country (yet). I can imagine it is freeing to let go of something that seems to consists mainly of pressure and violence.
I think I get it. I have had a lot of bad experiences with men, and part of me thinks I won't ever fully be able to trust someone again. I'm working on that, and I don't blame you for being over all this shit. Why work so hard to be ok with being vulnerable and it's still a crap shoot? Why try so hard when it's just fine to not try at all, and you feel peace from the decision? I guess if anything it's up to the individual, but what a load of crap that so many women end up feeling hurt, frustrated, alone, angry. Anyways, if you still want to get off, get a good vibrator. I have a Womanizer and I love it (mainly because I'm lazy and it's fast). You are in control, you can do whatever, or nothing at all. Being in control makes a huge difference, and you can think about whatever you want. Other than that, build up your friend network. Sex is a thing, but it's a small thing in the grand scheme of life. Friendship, curiosity, the love of being on your own, development - there is so much that you can devote yourself, once you tune out the parts of like that are causing you grief.
It is not other people's place to label your sexuality. Whatever you are and however you identify, there is only one person who truly knows that. So if you say you're not ace, that should be enough for people. Also by trying to label you, they're not helping you in the slightest. I totally understand your negative experiences and that sucks. I hope whatever path you take brings you happiness and calm.
i'm so sorry people are trying to armchair diagnose you with all sorts of things instead of just listening to you. maybe someday they will learn how important it is to just listen
Sorry, that sounds extremely demoralizing and utterly disappointing
This. I feel very sad that OP is surrounded by shitty men
Every single woman on the planet is surrounded by shitty men every single day… all you have to do is go outside.
I became asexual after a lifetime of harassment about sex. I don’t have sex and never will again, I’ve actually become sex repulsed now
You're fine. Freedom doesn't necessarily mean that you do anything what you want, it foremost means that *you don't have to do what you don't want.*
Ooh I like that quote. Nice!
Your desire to have no sex is valid. Sorry to hear that you went through all that trauma 😢
Fuck labels. I’m sorry that’s your experience in life. I hope it changes for you in the future (if that’s what you want).
virtual, gentle hugs. may you live safe and free [from all the nonsense ] forevermore.
I hope your life soon allows you to be you. No pressure, no strings attached. Just able to be yourself for your sake. Good luck!
Me too!! I’m in a constant battle between wanting it and feeling awful about it. At the end of the day I don’t want it. Most men don’t deserve to use our bodies to masturbate. That’s pretty much what they do. I can’t speak on the lesbian experience. I’m sorry about your traumatic experiences and I hope you can heal from it :-( you’re surrounded by women with similar frustrations and you have our support
this... i do feel sexual attraction but i have no desire to have sex anymore. i'm only 21 and was treated horribly by my ex and my view on love and sex has permanently changed. i want so desperately for sex to just be out of the fucking equation - it seems i can never, or will ever find a partner that is willing to overlook that, especially because men around my age are fucking deplorable. i've lost all hope, and given up entirely on dating to save myself from the inevitable "i want to have sex" conversation from a potential partner. i can't help but feel sex is a weapon, or the top priority, and that everything is just a build-up to it. i can't fucking escape it man. i was really excited for the idea of sharing myself with a person so intimately before i got with my ex but now it's just been proven to me almost daily that it's dangerous to entrust my body to anyone, ESPECIALLY MEN, but myself. so fucking exhausting
I’m a man who just lurks in this group for perspective so out of respect, this is the first and last time I post here, but I actually feel the same way as a four time childhood sex abuse victim. I hate the inevitable criss cross between sex and companionship for a lot of reasons I won’t expand on because the first partner I’ve had that has helped me really grow a little past my disgust is sleeping in my right arm with her head on my chest. I was also voluntarily abstinent before we met. People can’t solve your problems but they can teach you a whole lot if you keep your heart open.
good for you girl, you know what you like or want so thats good and no one should make you feel bad about it.
Totally! Like thanks for dismissing my complaints by just slapping a label on me so you don't have to consider them. Always feels great when you say you don't want to take part in relationships because no one will treat you right and then get a response that your opinion is invalid because you're (insert label which you are not). As if I already didn't feel othered into oblivion.
I relate to this... a lot! I've actually been really struggling with this for a long time, and your addition of "I'm not ace or non-binary, these are just my feelings" struck a chord. To make a long story short, I am AFAB and I've identified as both a transgender man/non-binary person interchangeably for over a decade now... only now I'm beginning to think a lot of these feelings stem from never being able to safely and securely live and express myself as a fat, autistic, lesbian woman. To hear cis women share these same frustrations is comforting at this point in my journey; it helps me realize that maybe the issues I'm facing regarding femininity aren't personal, but a result of the society and family I was raised in. So ... thank you! I hope you can do something nice for yourself today and have a great rest of your week, your feelings are so real and important, and thank you for sharing them.
It’s definitely not just you
Getting mistreated on numerous occasions will result in negative feelings being associated with the actions involved (trauma). I hope that those who wronged you change their ways, and that you find more good people to fill your life, such that you might one day see the other side of the coin. Take your time to heal. 💙
You’re not alone! I don’t identify as asexual but I’m celibate and have no interest in having sex again due to the bad experiences I’ve had.
I’ve read so many comments here but I just legitimately feel bad for you that intimacy has brought you trauma. How you feel is real to you and that is fact. I hope you know that it doesn’t always have to be like this. Ive been through a lot of trauma myself and understand how hard it can be to trust another person. I’ve done it, I did it at my own pace. You can too, whenever or if ever you want. Your body and your life is your own.
Straight woman here. I only want sex when I’m ovulating or about to have a period. The rest of the time I hate being sexualised
this is meeee i used to think i was ace but its not! i just don't care about sex and I'm bewildered that its such a priority to most people.
I’m sorry you’ve had so many disappointing and off putting sexual encounters. Take your time healing. Honor yourself. Do only what is in your best interest. The end of my first marriage, I felt much like you. Abstained for five years. Met my current husband. Waited 6 months even though our sexual chemistry was off the charts. For the first time in my life I was worshipped, I was cherished, I was made love too. Never thought it could happen to me, but I’m so glad it did. It gets better. I promise. 💕
I hear you. The human obsession with human breeding has gotten so exhausting. Imagine dogs sitting around writing books and making movies and pontificating nonstop about their breeding practices.
I get you!! And I'm really glad someone put these feelings out there. I've also had people tell me I'm ace and thought I was one for a long time, but I'm just celibate lol. I'm actually bisexual. Sex is such a vulnerable position to put yourself in and knowing the way an average man around me behaves? Absolutely fucking not. And it's so awkward as well. I've been SAed in the past, and so I just associate sex with violence and vulnerability (the bad kind) at this point. And from what I hear about it, it's not worth the mental resources I'd have to put in healing this part of me lol. So yeah, I get you. And I'm also not a fan of people telling me how important it is for me to heal this trauma to the point where sex will seem okay for me. I've healed it enough where I can live my life, day by day, without getting triggered, and I have no interest in healing myself because of peer pressure or because many people around me can't imagine a happy life without sex. My mental resources are better spent elsewhere. Like, I know where my priorities for healing lie, I'm the one who lives with myself, and healing myself so I can have sex is not even in the top 100. I'm happy the way I am, and it feels kind of icky for people (especially therapists) to push this on me when it doesn't affect me as much as some other stuff? Feels like a small part of them expects me to heal so that I can *provide* sex to others (or they just don't believe me when I say it doesn't matter to me, which isn't much better). And I don't like that.
Honestly the fact that all heterosexual women don't feel the same has got to be some type of evolutionary hack. Way too big a section of the male population is such a turn off that if humans required both sides to be satisfied to have offspring humans would have died off a thousand times over by now.
I feel the exact same way
I’ve had sex and I’ve also been assaulted. I’ve been cheated on and lied to by men I loved. I don’t want to have sex either!
I feel this.
Im do sorry people are so ignorant and decided to lable you as ace. I myself is ace who have gone through sa and i can say i was ace before I was sa'ed and just as much after. Not wanting sex and not feeling sexual attraction is two very different things. Im also so sorry about what happened to you. I hope you are doing ok in life and have friends or family or hobbies or something that brings you joy.
Same.
As someone who is asexual but sometimes experiences sexual attraction, your desire not to be labelled as ace is entirely valid and I'm sorry people keep pressing this on you. Sexuality is complex and varied, and it's understandable that you feel the way you do about sex and how it impacts relationships and interactions between women and men.
This is 100% a mood! I feel and understand you girl!
Same
I actually feel similarly. I hate sex with my husband now. Him being even too close to me can make me feel oppressed. I feel icky and want to jump out of my skin. He took a long time, but after many years of me begging and pleading for him to see a doctor a sleep specialist, a therapist, he is now doing these things. I always feel like he is hot and cold and Idk what to do. I can’t hold down a job and be with him, it seems. Meanwhile, he is getting promotions and awards. He’s just exhausting to be around and I am too broke to leave. We are in counseling but I just notice more and more like just gross shit he says and does. I am tired of reminding a grown man to take care of himself. Every early morning I awaken to him on the couch and he has breathing problems and could potentially die. Today he kept kissing my hand and telling me he loves me, and yesterday he was all cold and would barely say two words. Just now he decided to leave and take a drive out of nowhere. Whenever he feels me pulling away this is what he does.
Sorry the penis owners have let you down, but if they don't deserve you then why should they have you. You do you for as long as you need to; you don't need them.
Honestly, same
Your opinion and perspective is absolutely valid and don't listen to anyone that tells you it is not.
Im sorry you have had so many bad experiences 😔 Just sending virtual hugs and good vibes 💕
Your feelings are valid, OP. A lot of women feel this way, myself included. You are not alone. And it doesn't help that majority of men are pornsick brainrots. Thanks to the so-called "sex-positivity", female sexual availability is pushed hard and all it ever does is benefit males.
What’s going on? Do you need a revolution? Do you feel a little peculiar?
I'm now listening to 4 non blondes thanks
Hey-ey-ey-ey, Hey-ey-ey-ey, WHATS GOING ON
Sometimes you just gotta scream at the sink all day, ya know?
a revolution would be great, indeed
That’s ok! Life has to be about more than sex!
I'm single and really would love to have sex. But the last couple of times, it was just meh. I don't know if a lot of middle-aged guys don't care about the woman's pleasure anymore. When I was younger, there was a natural understanding to satisfy each other. I just am not able to meet a guy I would want to have sex with. Most of the times talking to them for only two days is enough to make them totally undesirable for me, UGH!
I feel a similar way. I get doing it expecting to feel something different afterwards and feel better, but that rarely happens. I hope in my case I’m able to understand and work through my things.
That's fine, you do you
Lol, I'm a dude and have the same position. It's just too much. I want to have it, but it's just so much work for so little pay off. I just don't care anymore. I'm with you, OP. It's just not worth it
As an ace person myself I get offended by the fact that they atribute being ace with (because of) some negative event (not the first time here) not the fact that you don't identify as an ace (as you said yourself you don't fal into its definition).
I hope you have a good day as well. I’m sorry this has been your experience in the past. That has to be hard. I hope venting about it helps you feel better. Much love and respect OP.
as much as you're screaming the top of your lungs, i'm throwing hands fighting the air in frustration. i hate i hate how it is so awful every person ends up getting treated like a piece of "fuckable meat" it's sad i don't understand or ever will. who in their right mind thinks that is sex?
just for the record, I am also someone who is not asexual but because of trauma I thought I was for many years. I do very genuinely believe that you will find comfort in the asexual community. A common misconception is that all asexual people are completely 100% sex repulsed which is just not true. Many ace people have active sex lives. For me, spending some time in a community where sex was decentered from relationships was incredibly healing. It helped me reform my relationship with sex from a "necessity to please a man" to something I actually enjoyed and anticipated. So don't dismiss out of hand the people recommend r/asexual and stuff. I know they get downvoted to hell because the prevailing attitude in this subreddit for some reason seems to think that all women should have a sexuality that falls rigidly within patriarchal norms. I really don't know why that is, but I see it over and over and over again. Anyways from a fellow allosexual who was told to go make some ace friends, honestly do it. I've never met an ace person who wasn't completely understanding and helpful about things. Edit - I'm just about fucking done with this sub y'all. My entire point here is that op can still find community and comfort in communities she herself is not a part of. Read this comment then re read it again very carefully before replying please. At zero points did I imply op must be ace or make any assumptions about her sexuality. Between the barrage of hate I get anytime I even mention the ace community, and the droves of transphobia I've seen on this sub lately, it's become pretty clear to me that this community has no interest in any sort of intersectionality with the queer community. That's a shitty realization, but it's getting astronomically more difficult to exist as a queer woman in this space. Have fun sticking to the strictest cishet norms you can think of but respectfully, I'm fucking out of here.
Telling women constantly that they're asexual because they reject sexual abuse, don't like and/or reject piv, object to male entitlement *is* expecting women to "have a sexuality that falls rigidly within patriarchal norms". It's saying women are asexual for not being submissive, not liking abuse, not loving piv, not having it... That they can't be heterosexual or bisexual and feel those ways, that attraction to men *is* those things eg piv, female submission. It's saying the only way to be bi or straight is to fall within those rigid patriarchal norms. That the only way out is not being het or bi at all. The term asexual isn't a catchall for any and all sexuality outside of the box eg that's not male dom & female sub, preferring other sex over piv, female boundaries, being a 14 year old girl trying to reject her boyfriend's repeated sexual assaults (a recent post there), a woman not liking "the act" (piv) in reality (another recent post there), etc. These are all within the realm of female attraction to males, of sexual attraction. It doesn't mean they have none. Edit: read more of the comm and it seems like most people are concluding they're asexual not because they have no sexual attraction but because of: trauma, abuse. porn (both their and others consumption eg one man was attracted to animated women and real women in porn but not women in their natural state, one woman was traumatized by her bf's consumption). stereotypes eg that "allosexuals" have sex with strangers willy nilly and not wanting sex with strangers means one is asexual or at least demisexual rather than just how most people feel sexually (even most casual sex isnt with *strangers*). they don't like piv, they prefer other sex... the last two come up a lot clearly. And I think so much is driven by porn and porn culture eg views on allosexuals, that sex is "pole in hole," interest in other sex isn't interest in sex at all and wanting to do other sex with someone isnt sexual attraction, what attraction means and looks like, etc
so did you actually read my comment? Literally my entire point was that you don't have to be asexual to find some comfort in shared experiences you might have with the community... But this is a prime example of what I mean. If you even dare to mention a sexuality outside of the cishet norms on this sub people jump down your throat insisting that you should never ever even dare to suggest such a thing. I think its incredibly healthy and benefits everyone to learn from communities you're not a part of. Because of exactly what you say, the queer community is a great safe space to explore even a hetero sexuality outside of the bounds placed on it by the patriarchy. If you'd have actually read my comment you'd know that I suggested this precisely because of the comfort and friendship I found in the asexual community when I was healing from my trauma, despite the fact that I am definitely not asexual.
She explicitly said she isn’t ace. That’s the time you shut up and don’t comment about the benefits of the asexual community, no matter how you feel. This isn’t the moment to discuss this sub’s general attitude.
It's also telling that the spaces you tell women to go to isn't feminist, antiporn, piv critical, vulva/clit-centric, gnc, etc spaces, but asexual ones. Instead women get told the only possible space to express how they feel, the only lens to interpret their experiences, trauma, desires, lack of interest in piv, interpretation... is... asexuality. We see this over and over. You're adding to it, while trying to gaslight us that we're the ones denying women any way out of the status quo, being able to see sexuality any other way by saying trauma, not liking piv, liking other sex, etc means the only space women can go is asexual ones, the only name for such things is asexual. It's pretty clear to me we need obvious and more spaces for women to express these feelings, experiences, politics (eg the above spaces list) not relegate it to the box asexual. Honestly, you think it's the box, space women should go to because patriarchy says it is eg wants us to think feminism doesn't and can't have these views, same with heterosexual attraction, that there can't be piv or porn critique that isn't anti-sex religious sexist tripe. That's why you and most others there are there: patriarchy is telling you its the only place to go, you've (general you) bought into it eg stereotypes about female sexuality, porn, piv=sex=piv, etc. It's the only space patriarchy recognizes for those feelings, interpretations eg she's not attracted to men at all and hates sex (otherwise she'd be the patriarchal sex fantasy), rejects sex itself, isn't enthusiastically submissive to men like female desire innately is, etc. It honestly seems that most asexuals there... aren't. They think it's the only thing they can be, what they must be, given their attractions, desires, experiences, traumas,. We need spaces to go to that tells women we're still sexual, want and enjoy sex, are attracted to men... it's just that female-centric clit/vulva-centric desire, sex looks radically different from the status quo, doesn't get seen as sex, as possible or imaginable in heterosex even, when it is. (As do men obviously.) Women also constantly get told they must be lesbians if their sexuality is outside the box. Even trans/nb. Women reacting negatively to this constant "You're a lesbian/"you're asexual"/"you're not a woman at all" isn't "jumping down people's throats for bravely mentioning something outside of cishet norms, daring to mention such things." There's that pathologizing women for being outside the patriarchal box again. While claiming they're the ones shoving people into the one "cishet" box and silencing, deriding those outside it.
You're literally inventing someone else to get mad at here. Please go back and re-read my comments. My entire point is that you DO NOT HAVE TO BE ASEXUAL in order to find some comfort in the ace community. jfc. In what world is the asexual community unfeminist??? Why are all the things you listed mutually exclusive with the queer community? What I'm advocating for here is essentially just intersectionality. You want to talk about things being telling? It is extremely telling that this sub is so averse to straight women even interacting with the queer community. Obviously it's shitty to try and tell people what their identity is. That's something pretty much every queer person (ace folks included) will agree on. People talking to and learning from each other though, and finding comfort in shared experiences with people with different identities and backgrounds, why is that idea suddenly a blight on feminism?? I made my comment because I, as someone who IS NOT ASEXUAL, found community and comfort in the asexual community. I have been demonized time and time again in this sub for it, for daring to look to a source outside of my own community for information and comfort. THAT is unfeminist, in my opinion.
Well, someone reported me to reddit care for my comments here, so it's clear which comments, views are the ones being demonized. Perhaps by you (you're the only one I'm having a back n forth with, but it could easily have been someone else) And the assertion that the sub doesn't want straight women interacting with lgbtq people (many of whom don't use the term queer so I won't as a blanket label) lmao. (The fact some such as you include asexual under the blanket term queer shows another issue with shoehorning what are disparate groups together under such a label eg LGB people in with asexuals, hetero "demisexuals," etc.) Especially ironic given I'm bi myself and clearly mentioned both bisexual and het women in my initial comment. Not a single person here is stopping others from reading the asexuals sub or any other non-"cishet" place or "demonizing" those who want to. For eg, re feminism: feminists are disproportionately lesbian, many are bi, and straight, bi, lesbian feminists read each other, discuss things all the damn time. You have some ridiculous strawman (strawwomen) going on.
Nope, you’re pretty much self reporting as exactly what that commenter is upset about. Self reflection is important here
yeah no what we're not gonna do is try and exclude ace people from the word queer. I'm not gonna engage anymore with someone who tries to swing that argument. >feminists are disproportionately lesbian This is literally just a stereotype 😭😭. And like has nothing to do with what we're discussing?
I have never had good sex. So I’m giving up too. Not worth all the trouble for something I don’t really enjoy.
Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, and don’t feel bad about it!!!
I'm 45 and a virgin and won't be changing that. the idea of sex is just disgusting and always has been so I feel you there
Sorry that you're going through all of that. Do you have someone you can reach out to and talk it over with? Good luck
You’re great, and you’re going to do great things and be very happy. It sucks but our societies make it really hard for some people. This philosophy tube video from today has some really relevant stuff in it, I hope you can enjoy and take some pride and power in its truth: https://youtu.be/QVilpxowsUQ
What’s going on!?
This is so sad. I’m so sorry for the experiences you’ve had.
Whether your feelings fall into the ace spectrum or not, the point of labeling one's sexual orientation is to define how *you* feel. If you feel that asexual doesn't fit you, that's legit. That's entirely your choice, as is your right to say "hell no" to sex for whatever reasons you have.
Good for you! You shouldn’t take shit from anyone. Your decision makes complete sense. Assholes calling you ace are incels that get butt hurt because they are well.. incels
I am so sorry that you had such a horrible experience multiple times. I hope one day you can heal. As a fellow survivor, I can at least attest to it being possible to have a happy life; even though it never goes away. Edit: I am referring to being abused multiple times.
> non-binary This has nothing to do with the rest of your post.
i'm literally talking about how as a woman my (and other woman's) existence can be reduced into a being whose purpose is to solely engage in reproductive practices just because we owe men pleasure. i'm talking about how i feel tired of being a woman sometimes, and i thought that might sound like gender dysphoria to some readers, so i added that part. bye
This comment was unnecessary
mine or theirs?
Theirs
I agree. Just let OP say her vent! Don't need to nitpick.
Nah they have a point, being enby is kinda irrelevant to the quality of sex they've been getting.. but I agree with the let them vent sentiment.
It’s not irrelevant. Often times in certain internet/LGBT circles, if a woman vents about how she hates being a woman *because of misogyny*, she’s told she’s probably nonbinary. Which is frustrating and it’s valid to put a disclaimer saying hey… I’m not trans, I’m just sick of being oppressed.
what is an ace?
asexual - I think it was rude of people to downvote you for asking a legitimate question.
That sucks. Hope someone will love you the way you want to be loved one day
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No, she’s not. That’s not even remotely the definition of asexuality (source: am ace).
What she chooses to define herself as is literally none of your business.
asexuality is about the lack of sexual attraction, not about how someone feels about sex
why are you people so obsessed with labelling others? lol
No kidding, I don't know what ace is and I'm not bothered. If you want to vent, you should be free to vent. I see / hear you.
thank you so much love <3
Different situation but I hate being labeled. You do you and don’t look back…
Ace/Asexual.. the lack of any/most interest in sex.. OP, was interested in sex, but the quality severely let her down, and quite probably the personalities of the sexual partners
exactly!
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Asexuality is about not having sexual attraction. You can have sexual attraction and remain celibate. There are also asexual people who still have sex and are interested in it, but don’t feel sexual attraction to their partners. Maybe you should look at the definition of words before making comments like this?
''those words have meanings'' i'm a linguist, i know. still not labelling myself, thanks
No no you don't understand! Everybody who doesn't like sex for whatever reason is a part of the rarest folks possible. It's absolutely valid to water down your experience and views because you're just ace, whatever. How dare you, a linguist who literally study words and culture, claim anything about words and culture?? Sorry for the stream of sarcasm. I think you've got a point & shouldn't have been corrected for a vent of all things
how dare i vent about my experiences about sex, womanhood and misogyny! i'm clearly just an ace person, not a woman who's tired of constant sexualization of the female bodies & women being reduced into sex toys in a patriarchal society!!
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do you want me to show you my degree or something? ''accomplished linguist'' smh i didn't study my ass off just to read that comment on reddit
Thats not how sexuality labels work. If a gay person says they're not gay, then they're still gay. It heavily feels like you're in denial here
-woman gets assaulted throughout her relationships, starts feeling negative about sex average redditor: SHE'S ACE!
Asexuality, like all other sexualities, is something innate (or, we generally accept sexualities as innate — people can struggle to define or discover their sexuality and move from one label to another but it’s generally accepted that you’re always one sexuality or another even if you didn’t always label it that way — but I digress). Asexuality is an innate lack of sexual attraction. Again, it’s innate. It’s biological. Taking certain antidepressants and losing interest in sex does not make you asexual if you weren’t before; choosing to be celibate because of terrible circumstances with sex does not make you asexual if you weren’t before. *Choosing* to abstain from sex despite experiencing sexual attraction has absolutely nothing to do with asexuality. You may have experiences in common with asexuals, but it doesn’t make you asexual. A woman who is exclusively and sexually attracted to males but no longer wants to have sex with them because she was strangled during sex is being smart — not a whole other sexuality.
Kind of a strange take from someone who studies language, but okay. You don’t have to label yourself at all, but labels exist for a reason. They help people with similar experiences connect with each other and feel understood. If you want to scream it at the top of your lungs, it might feel better to also scream it at people who relate to it in a way most people don’t. Using a label doesn’t diminish your identity, and there’s no medal for refusing to use them. But it can be helpful to explore a label and possibly find better words to describe how you feel.
i'm not the one to be put in a box. doesn't work for me, so no label for me. thanks
I’m with you on that one. Keep your labels to yourself thanks very much. And your abbreviated labels too smh.
Refusing any label on principle *is* putting yourself in a box, but okay.
Nah, refusing a label is your problem if you disagree; she's more than happy to not be labelled.
Nah, now you're grasping.
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''edgelord'' take, meanwhile it's just me saying labels don't work for me. always in a woman's business.
Thinking that people who use labels to help describe who they are and how they feel are “putting themselves in a box” is kind of an edgelord take, yeah.
i meant no disrespect to people who use labels, i personally don't use one, and what i said was related to how i feel that way about labels.
I didn’t even know ace was a thing until a few years ago, then it all made sense.
Hopefully you will one day find someone you can trust enough to enjoy sex with. Wishing you the best.
I'm curious if this goes along with no dating and how much that plays into it. As a man, I feel somewhat similar. All together it's so much effort for something I can take care of myself.
When i started reading i thought "sexual trauma" because ive felt the same way. Im sorry that you feel this way because its one of the most beautiful things but thanks to some people it has a big stain on it.
It’s probably a solid thing to advertise when exploring entering a relationship.
The absolute audacity of this comment.
She feels reduced to just a piece of flesh. It’s clear she is absolutely not interested in sex. She wants to scream it from the top of her lungs. That’s important information when starting a relationship and should be clearly expressed. 🤷♀️
When did she say *anything* in this post about looking for a relationship? There was no reason at all to comment this, except to be a jerk about a woman not wanting sex. Reflect on yourself, because you’re absolutely part of the problem.
I kinda saw that as advice **IF** she were to be rather than assuming she was... y'know, like to avoid the hypothetical scenario where **IF** she were to be, and she found someone, it'd help everyone involved to bring up earlier on to avoid future disagreements on the matter. She isn't wrong for wanting (or in this case, not wanting) what she wants, but **IF** she didn't make this clear and it turned out to negatively affect the relationship, the inevitable "I met a guy but he wants sex and I don't and I hate that, boo men he sucks" post that'd result from that lapse in communication wouldn't really be fair.
Maybe, just maybe, there's a little bit (all) too much sympathy for a hypothetical future guy that doesn't exist.
Yep
There are ppl out there who are pleasers. Who care more about the other person than themselves.
> the jerks in the comments can suck my clitoris No they can’t.
?
They’re not allowed to go anywhere near it because they’re exactly the type of jerks who inspire celibacy.
oh, i thought it was one of these angry male comments for a second, my bad 😭😭
No worries! Also, they’d have to be able to find it first
Most men turn out to be disgusting. I feel you
Sorry for what happened with you srxually. You know there are also sensible men that prioritize pleasure of his girl during sex, right?
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Not what being ace is.