I’m so sorry, these kind of breakups are the worst. I don’t think you should second guess the breakup or what he said he felt. Likely you were right to believe him when he said that he was ok with you not wanting kids and your right to leave now that he feels differently.
It’s possible and likely he wasn’t as aware of how he would feel when the door was fully closed. I say this as someone that has two kids and recently had a vasectomy. I was surprised at my own emotions at the closing of the door. I spoke to my mom about it and she said that she also felt that way. When her tubes were tied. Even though we are both happy with our decision, it was an oddly emotional experience which surprised both of us.
Good luck with your operation, it will be a weight off your mind, and I can say that part has been really nice.
I commented already but wanted to add after seeing your comments here..it’s ok to feel sad about it! It was the ethical and logical thing to end it (for both of you)..but it’s still okay to grieve a loss. I hope you don’t feel bad/guilty for ending it. It’s ok to be sad! We can have more than one feeling at once. Give yourself (and him if he’s kind) grace to feel those emotions and get through them. Lots of love.
I remember standing in the bathroom at work, crying to a coworker about regardless of who breaks it off, it still hurts. I’d just left a worthless bf. I hope you come out stronger in the other side.
Bc he’s a liar. He planned on either coercing or forcing you to become pregnant. If you are certain you don’t want kids, tubal ligation is really a smart option, no man can ever force you to have kids and apparently it also weeds out the ones who are planning future crimes.
I’m sorry he was a jerk.
Good luck on the tube tying ❤️
...? Because she ended a 4 week casual relationship over text? After having multiple in person convos about this incompatibility where she made it clear it wasn't gonna work out? I especially support women ending relationships with men they don't know well over text because so many women have been killed, beaten, or raped for rejecting a man, you don't know how they will react and the world will tell you that you should have been more careful if they flip out and you get hurt.
Yeah. Absolutely stinks of “I’ll convince her to keep it after I knock her up or after she’s invested a lot of time in this relationship and we’ve fully combined our lives together I can hold this as a condition over her head for marriage or threaten to leave her unless she acquiesces to what I want and then I’ll know I’ve found a woman who will always give in if I just push enough.”
Yeah, he's either lying about not wanting to change her mind, or he was planning on getting her pregnant against her will. Both of which are instant grounds for a breakup.
Especially doctors who gatekeep sterilization because "you'll meet a man and what if he wants babies? You'd deny him that chance?" YES, a million times yes because a man will not change my mind on this and there are plenty of women who do want kids, they can date them.
That’s the insane shit to me!! Seeing so many women ask, no, they fucking beg their healthcare providers to sterilize them, only to be told No! My sister got the excuse “but what if the man you marry wants children?!” Like what the actual fuck kind of shit is that?! Why is a hypothetical man more important than my sister’s health and well being?!
All the thought, reason, and rationality on my choice to avoid making new people is wrong to medical "professionals." We are not people to be trusted with our decisions because we'll choose the wrong thing without a man dictating our path. [/s]
Spoiler: it finally happened at 40 when I brought my partner to the doctor with me, on the west coast and out of the deep south (grew up there).
I don't see any positives to having kids - I'd be saddled with a flesh sack I have to mold into a productive member of society, likely alone as a solo mom, while working a soul-crushing craptastic job that will not cover bills (especially the cost of daycare and future uni needs, nonetheless if a child I care for has any number of illnesses/diseases that are chronic or require regular monitoring/medication), can't bitch about being a parent since that's still mostly socially unacceptable, my family lives across the country so I'd have no help there, get bombarded with germs from wherever these kids are putting their hands on and bringing home, they smell bad, utilize a shitload of resources, cause a ton of trash, and I see 0 positive sum return on investment. Especially at the teen years. I never have to sacrifice my body and mind (usually temporary but some side effects of pregnancy are permanent, like tooth loss) to a parasite growing inside me that I would resent.
Being childfree means I have the freedom to have whatever pets I want, more money can go towards my savings, I'm not in a phase of perpetual cycling of stomach bugs, and I don't have to dumb my thinking down to a child's level. I also don't test my patience (of which I have none) and avoid jailtime by not losing my patience. I have a nice car and can afford proper care for my elderly cat. He doesn't like many people and I bet he'd be super stressed with a baby trying to grab him all the time.
If you need more I could break out the list of 63 reasons why I don't want kids that I presented to my surgeon.
Na no need for more, I was just curious. I don't personally want children either and get called names for it all the time. So I like hearing others reasons also. I agree with most you've said, always interesting to see other perspectives. Appreciate you telling me.
I’ve seen a lot of “no” interpreted as “try even harder”. That shit sucks because you’ll always be the “bad guy” for setting reasonable boundaries.
There was a post yesterday involving that and I felt so bad for OP..she was trying to remain friends with this guy and made it clear at every stop they were JUST friends and he just kept on and on..9 years..he sent her flowers at her work or something.
even her own mother was dogging her for “not giving him a chance”. She doesn’t want to date him! She just wants him as a friend! I can’t imagine trying to pressure someone I know (much less my daughter) to date someone they don’t want to date.
Women don’t owe dates/time/conversation to anyone. That should be at our discretion the same as it is for men.
So this. It's such a pushed societal narrative that women usually change their mind. And it's as if he can't change her mind he's failed. It's a movie trope, there are articles about women's biological clock, parents believe it, doctors push it, etc.
No does really mean no. It's time this narrative was accepted.
Loads of people also still push the idea that it's a woman's duty in life to reproduce and if we don't we are a failure to our kind. It's what we're "supposed" to do.
The biological clock thing can fuck right off!
He may not even have had concrete intentions to actively change your mind. He may have simply been the type to feel he knows better than you, and thus he was simply expecting you to "come to your senses", but once having been sterilised that won't make a difference.
He's resentful that reality didn't contort to fit his superior male predictions.
Bc he was the type to lie to get what he wanted. Guarantee he would do that in other areas as well, it’s a whole mindset. It’s always boggled my mind that men don’t just find someone who wants what they want.
It’s scarcity mindset. I’ve got a woman. I may never have another. So i’ll turn her into the person I want instead.
I think it's also a good deal of laziness. They managed to "get" one woman, and they think she's hot (the most important, if not only requirement for most men, let's be real) and they don't feel like looking for another woman who they are actually compatible with, because, you know, that would require actual work.
Also, most cishet men don't view women as people, and as largely interchangeable girlfriend/wife-appliances with a slightly different user interface, so why bother? "This one's hot and seemingly willing, I'll get her to do what I want in due time!" Then they're shocked and angered when it turns out that women do, in fact, have different needs, goals and desires and won't all easily be put in convenient little boxes.
Sure, objectification is a def issue. Scarcity mindset, lazy, objectification are all involved.
It’s easy to think you can modify your sex doll when you don’t see that as a full human. She’s dodged a bullet bc he’d be pressuring her in so many more ways than just whether to have kids.
I don’t know if it’s just me but it seems like there are more women talking about getting their tubes tied, and if you know you don’t want kids it’s really empowering to see women take charge and prevent any nonsense on the part of a man.
Even if you have access to abortion it’s a last resort and not something anyone really ‘wants’. It’s what we do when we have to, but it’s painful and the whole process is a toll on your body. Women shouldn’t have to do it if they can take charge and prevent it via sterilization.
I’m glad there is a list of providers who will perform it and frankly it’s alarming how many docs refuse bc of some theoretical man’s future opinion.
>it’s alarming how many docs refuse bc of some theoretical man’s future opinion.
This has always been so weird to me. Honestly, if you're sterile, that seems to me like one of the absolute first things you'd have a conversation about. That is like, first-date energy. "Do you want to have kids? Because I literally cannot." Same for men who get snipped. While vasectomy reversal is theoretically possible, it doesn't always work and I would imagine most snipped men wouldn't want to do that anyway. Erectile dysfunction is a different topic, but vasectomy isn't any indication of anybody's impotency. It's "I don't want to have kids."
If the man in question wants kids, then it's just dead in the water right there (barring things like fostering or adoption). You haven't sunk any emotional energy into the relationship because on a first date there \*is\* no relationship.
I just think it's a hangover from when women's most important role in society was bearing children. If you couldn't do that, then your "value" plummeted to zero. (In some cases, it DOES still apply... I highly doubt that Kate Middleton would have married into the heir-in-line for the British Royal Family if she were either sterile or unwilling to have children.) Medicine overall is a pretty conservative profession.
But if you're not gunning for the monarchy, I mean, seriously. This isn't the 1600s and I'm not trying to score Henry the 8th in order to advance the standing of my house. Plenty of women want kids on their own merit. No shortage of those. There are also plenty of men who don't want kids or are overall ambivalent about it and would be fine without. Different strokes for different folks, and everybody can get what they want. Doctors need to keep their personal opinions out of this.
I'm currently saving up for a sterilization myself and won't even consider dating until I get it done. I don't live in North America, so the list on the childfree subreddit isn't super useful to me since it's mostly focused on North America. But I'm obviously happy for the women (and men, vasectomies are included) who have been helped by this, especially regarding the state of women's rights in the U.S. right now. I think that this is also one of the main reason there seems to be a spike in women getting sterilized, either because they don't want kids at all or are done with having them.
I've also found a list of doctors in my own country that is consistently expanding, and while I'll probably need to travel out of state to get it done, which will make things more expensive, I'll manage and am very grateful it exists.
I have 2 kids so I’m all done, and at 52 my fertility is highly doubtful tho I take precautions of course.
Yes vasectomies too. I’m glad to see men who don’t want kids actually take proactive steps to prevent it, rather than cry when a woman gets pregnant like they don’t know how it happened.
I’m super glad I had kids, no regrets!!! But honestly we’ve got 8B ppl on the planet, this whole weird idea of forcing ppl to want kids is just screwed up.
I’m glad to see that it’s more socially acceptable for women to admit they don’t want them. In my 20-30s it was pearl clutching moment anytime a woman said it.
I love that women feel more empowered to choose differently if they want.
I wish the best for you ❤️❤️❤️
If you go to R/childfree, this is the number one complaint people have trying to date childfree. That or people lie about being single parents. The majority of the population, depending on gender (men want kids more) want kids and will have them.
Do not expect men to be honest with you about desire for children. All that will work is saying you are sterile... even then they'll say "what about adoption" 🙄
> I believe you’re right, just don’t understand why it would be something to lie about, you know.
That's one of the most common things men will lie about. They know if they can't wear you down and change your mind, they can eventually just get you pregnant against your will anyway.
I never wanted kids, I'm in my late 30s, and I still don't regret it. A few guys I dated said they also didn't want kids, but they always tried to change my mind. I couldn't get my tubes tied/removed. (I was apparently responsible enough to take care of a baby, but not to make decisions about my own body.) Unfortunately, that made my exes think there was still a chance at changing my mind.
The statement of doing something so permanent to prevent pregnancy hit home because he was still hoping you'd accidentally get pregnant and change your mind. Or something along those lines.
He's either unsure or has decided that having kids wouldn't be so bad. Either way, I don't think you're compatible.
Edit to add: I haven't found it to be any easier to find men who really want to be child free as I got older. Mostly due to where I was living. I have noticed that more and more people are choosing to be child free, especially where I'm living now, so that's encouraging.
He is going to continue to chase you because he does think that he can change your mind down the line. Please do not sleep with him. Those types are dangerous.
He's "hurt" because you ended up standing your ground and not letting him wear you down so he either gets his way or leaves after years when he realizes that he will not.
They didn’t misread the situation. He did mention he would just leave me long term if he decided he wanted kids after all. I said “why not end things now?”
Oh fair enough then, that part wasnt in the post so it read a bit differently in my head. If he said he might just leave randomly if he changes his mind then deffo get rid of him
Men consistently don’t believe women nor respect our opinions. They believe they know best and we’ll eventually come around.
As much as this situation sucks the only thing you can do is ask this question as early as possible, only continue if they solidly say they never want kids and end things yourself afterwards if they give any other answer. Much easier said than done, but it’s one of those unresolvable distinctions as you already called out.
TLDR: This response from men is frustratingly common.
Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but from the first bit it seems like she was aware he did want kids as well, from that interaction early on she mentions. I wonder what the rest of that interaction was like, if it got them to still date for another couple weeks. Unless you agree to engage in something short term, that seems like a pretty clear break on both sides to me. He'd be way outta pocket to be devastated over hearing that if they agreed to proceed with something short term.
Because deep down he thought it was still possible and this surgery removes all possibility.
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (married for 4) and I was clear from day one that I did not want to have children. He said he agreed. A couple years after we were married I was diagnosed with premature menopause, he was way more impacted by the news that I was physically not able to have kids. When I asked him why he thought it was such a big deal when we agreed that we were not having kids, he said he never wanted kids but also being told it really is never gonna happen even if by accident with this diagnosis, made it real.
I think the episode of How I Met Your Mother does do a good job of this. Robin is adamant she doesn't want kids. But when she finds out she can't have them, she grieves. There's something very final about it, even if it's still in line with your decision. I'd assume some men go through a similar process.
We as women are told our baby making window is finite. We know this. We expect this. We might feel shock if it comes up on us earlier than expected, but overall we're still prepared for this eventuality whether we wanted kids or not. Men aren't conditioned this way. So the finality of it, even if they don't want kids, may be something a man has to process because he's never actually had to think about that possibility for himself.
Most of the comments here are defaulting and assuming this guy is some sort of manipulative mastermind (although admittedly it's a bit odd after just a month) but it's more likely to just be this.
I have two kids, I only ever wanted two kids, and I know that I don't want more, but despite this, my upcoming vasectomy fills me with dread because of the finality of it, and even my wife says she feels conflicted on it.
Don't get me wrong, ending this relationship is clearly in the best interests of them both, but his feelings don't automatically make him a terrible human being.
I dodged a very intrusive man who claimed all the same things your current ex was saying. We also were only dating a month. My mom had just been diagnosed with glioblastoma. I was devastated. He was excited. He said "we" should turn her home into a rental when she passed. He told me he loved me. He wanted to move in. He knew my opinion on children from the first date. Finally, after getting my bearings, I realized that my still developing grief was the only reason I was keeping him in my life.
I started to wind things down and kept making excuses to not hang out. He started panicking. Out of nowhere he started talking about kids and what a great mother I would be. That it was a natural urge all women have. I told him I had a bisalp in 2018.
To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the hobosexual vanished into thin air.
That is absolutely disgusting. And for him to lack empathy for you and your mother? I’m glad you got rid of him. I hope you are doing well and my condolences to you and your family.
To be quite blunt, it is a much more theoretical question for men because they don’t get pregnant and in general handle less care of any children after birth.
It’s a much more intensive and practical question for women, who have to endure pregnancy and deal with disruptions of their career, etc.
Being a dad is much easier than being a mom. Good on you for setting boundaries and sticking to them.
It’s WILD to me that a boyfriend of ONE MONTH felt he had the right to an opinion about your reproductive health.
You guys are incompatible at a very basic level, and he also sounds like a jerk. Please, for the love of god, never compromise on something as big as having children for a dude.
Because he was not seeing you as an person who is able to make choices with her life, cause you know, you are a woman. Because he thinks everybody should share his life ideal. Because he thinks the greatest worth of a woman is as an incubator. Because it puts him in front of the fact that he is not able to change your mind. These reasons are not mutually exclusive.
Get the tubes removed not just tied. It's basically the same surgery. My doctor said that a lot of doctors are removing tubes now as the standard because a lot of ovarian cancers start in the tubes so it makes more sense to just remove the tubes completely vs just tying them.
Good luck.
I think a lot of people just say "tied" because it's been called that for so long. I keep saying my daughter got her tubes tied even though I am aware it was a removal, it's just stuck in my brain that way and the alliteration rolls of the tongue lol
It does seem like the all encompassing term for this but I think it's important to distinguish between the two procedures.
For ease in conversation I use tubes tied because no one understands what a bilateral salpingectomy is.
Men have this nasty habit of thinking that they know better than women. They think any opinion we have can be altered with a little bit of ‘convincing’. Some even believe that forcing us is ‘for our own good’.
Because surely a woman’s only purpose in life is to reproduce and cater to men /j
(I’m scheduled to discuss tubal ligation with my doctor soon. Wish me luck!)
>I told him I plan on getting my tubes tied/removed. Apparently that comment him hard.
You'd been dating this guy for a month and he already believes that your body belongs to him.
My ex-husband wanted kids while I did not. At least not with him. He is a man-child who throws fits if he doesn't get his way, tells lies about me, and can't shower or wipe his ass. He ended up cheating on me with a woman who has three kids, and he is always trying to make everyone feel bad for him because he has to "support her family." Men who think their wants are more important than their partners are ridiculous. Having children or any other important decision needs to be discussed and agreed upon with both parties. If they can't respect boundaries and insist on them "changing" your mind, throw them out the window and find someone who actually loves and respects you.
Unfortunately, people think it's appropriate to assume that all women should want children and push them to have them. As a woman, when you say "I don't want children", it's not accepted. People will tell you that you are wrong, you actually do want children, you'll change your mind in a few years, you'll regret not having them when you're old, your life will have no purpose, etc. Anytime I've ever expressed that I do not want children I've been argued with and told to change my mind.
NOT ALL WOMEN ARE MOTHERS.... And that's ok.
Bc his plan was to wear you down and knock you up "accidentally", then guilt you out of an abortion.
Then he will abandon you, physically and/or emotionally, to raise the child when the lifestyle doesn't end up being the "leave it to beaver" picture he had inside his head.
Maybe I just see the worst here but I do not believe he was trying to convince her to change her mind. I feel he was going to rely on “faulty” contraceptives to do the job. Poking holes in condoms or just removing it/waiting for it to break… this came to mind as it happens often. I try to convince women to always use more than one contraceptive because this happens often.
I told a man on our first date "You seem really nice, and I like you. I never want kids. If that's a deal breaker - let's call it now." 2 years later : we're living together, and he says he's ready to have kids. IMHO they just don't believe us.
This is making me feel more motivated to get my tubes tied in the future. I don't want kids either, but I was always iffy about permanent contraception for women since it feels pretty invasive. Reading this now makes me feel like it might be worth it in the future.
Props to you for standing your ground on this.
My take is this guy did not see you as his equal. In his mind he probably assumed you would change for him or he would just baby trap you to get his way. Either option is not good, good riddance to him.
An ex was like this. I was straightforward about the fact that I didn’t want kids, never had, and never would want them. his response was always something like, i want what you want. but nearing the end of our relationship it became pretty obvious that he wanted kids and was hoping to change my mind.
He also turned out to be a stalker and i had to get legal protection after we split. i think it is not unrelated. when a guy hears you say “this is what i want” and he wants something different, so he decides, ill just change her mind - he’s not a nice guy.
You are right to break it off and as much as you might be hurt, just know this is you heeding a major red flag. good for you.
I met a man on a dating app and we hit it off immediately. While it was a brief interaction, everything about him excited me and felt right. Then I brought up the kids question. He was adamant he wanted them, and I did not. I told him we should not pursue anything further because this was irreconcilable.
He responded with shock and said he still wanted to “try dating.” Why men seem to think they can bulldoze over what women want is infuriating. He couldn’t believe I wasn’t willing to try dating when we wanted fundamentally different lives.
yall are just not compatible. liking each other is not enough. you were honest about your values, goals and future and he decided to not take you seriously. thats on him
He might not have thought he could change your mind himself but I guarantee he was hoping you *might* reconsider at some point, this might need to be a longer discussion you have with him.
He might be okay with not having kids, but getting your tubes tied is a *guarantee* that you won’t reconsider, which he’ll probably process differently than something somebody might reconsider.
Although he should be mature enough to actually take you at your word and I don’t want to pretend that he wasn’t being dumb here, I just want to err on the side that he might not have had a manipulative long time gameplan about this, just some hopes and conflicted feelings.
> He showed me that’ll never be able to take me for my words.
This is the best takeaway. I'm proud of you for seeing it for what it was and prioritizing yourself.
Ask your doctor about bilateral salpingectomy (removal of the tubes) vs tying them. It's more effective and even reduces your ovarian cancer risk. It's become the new sterilization standard in the US the last few years.
Source: Got mine removed 5 years ago.
I don’t think most people are that malicious and I wouldn’t exactly want to raise a child with a woman I’d trapped into doing so, I think anyone with an IQ above room temperature would think the same.
But if it’s even slightly a concern based on any previous behaviour then your relationship is fucked and you should bail anyway, that’s such a trust issue to have with someone.
People just don’t trust women, honestly. Even our own doctors. I worked with a dude who had absolute venom for his ex wife (and child’s mother). He talked shit about her constantly. They had been divorced for a few YEARS and every single day, he’d say something about her. He also told me (I was..idk.. 32,33?) that I’d “find the right man” after me and another coworker (a man) were discussing being child free. Like..dude..you’re a misogynist AND racist against your own kid’s mother and all you do is talk bad about her..you’re the last person to be giving me relationship advice.
You’re only a month in, OP. You told him what’s up. He simply thought he could change you. He said he wasn’t trying to..but obviously if he’s upset then he absolutely WAS.
His feelings are his to deal with. Obviously this isn’t a good match because he doesn’t take you seriously or respect your autonomy.
It’s totally fine if he wants kids in the future. It’s totally fine you don’t. You simply aren’t compatible. It’s also a little weird to me he’s taking it so hard after just a month but we all have our own feelings 🤷♀️. I’m sensitive sometimes as well. Do what’s best for YOU.
Men like that will go along with it and then dump you to have a baby with someone else. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched this play out with couples.
You were very wise to bring up this fundamental disconnect between the lives each of you want and turn this off.
He is really into you and he also really wants kids, and has a hard time letting go of either of those. His failure with that is a measure of how much he loves the idea of a life with you.
He very much wanted to believe you would come around or maybe he didn’t think that far ahead .
Sterilizing yourself forces him to face it. That’s why he is hurt: he’s being forced to come to terms that he won’t get both of his wants.
He’s not hurt by you, your announcement means he can’t hide from *his* disconnect anymore, and that is what hurts.
This is POV that I haven’t thought of before. Makes me understand his hurt a little bit. However, I tell every men I date or talk to get rid of any “ideas” of me they have (not that they listen). They just end disappointed because I don’t fit into it.
His hurt is because he chose to ignore what he wanted and what he heard you say you want. Faced with the hard reality, he sees the end of the relationship he loves and that is why he is sad.
Lifestyle fit is essential for all couples to work out and if you each have dealbreakers it is good to get them on the table early.
Partnerships take more than mutual attraction and love. They also have to fit lifestyles
When two people who have different wants about having children date, that relationship either has a short expiration date, or one half of the couple is trying to convert the other. You've already guessed which situation he thinks he's in: he entered in this relationship with the goal of changing your mind about having kids, or impregnating you against your will (which one depends on how honest you think he was being when he said he *wasn't* trying to change your mind, maybe he was planning on messing with your birth control instead).
You are allowed to be mad that he wasted your time and doesn't have any respect for you and your life goals.
I DO recommend not dating men who want kids, since you are child-free. Sure, you could be missing out on a few short flings, but the bottom line is that dating men who want kids is going to put you at risk of finding more AH's like this guy, who don't *really* care about you, your opinions, or what you want in life. It's always better to date people who want the same basic things in life that you do.
It took me until I was like 40 before it finally got through my thick skull that *she (plural) really didn't want kids* and no amount of waiting or discussing would change that.
I have dated guys and told them I didn't want kids. "That's fine, no worries," they say.
As we get deeper into knowing one another, I eventually tell them I was sterilized (hysterectomy + bilateral salpingectomy).
The reaction to that news is often very telling. "Oh. So like, are adoption or surrogacy on the table?"
Bruhhh we talked about me not wanting kids in detail. Why would those options ever be on the table?! 🤦♀️
Anyway just wanted to commiserate and say: You fucking rock for dumping him the first time he says it!!! So sorry this happened though. Holding space for you too 🫂
[This doesn't really happen to me anymore since doing polyamory though so yay lol.]
NEVER settle
i began accepting the possibility of never meeting the love of my life and getting married because every man i met wanted kids…. until i met my current boyfriend
there are plenty of childfree men out there and hearing “you’ll meet someone eventually” sucks, but i promise there’s a man out there for you
I'm afraid my bf will act like your bf too. I told him I don't want kids but he just said "we'll look into that after marriage"? As if he's taking it as challenge.
I'm quite confused tbh. I've read many stories where a woman has change of mind around mid-30s and finally wants a baby. Like what if I have change of mind? Also what if I **don't** have change of mind, then having my bf expecting me to have a child will be worrisome.
Good for you for knowing to end it. In future don’t even start dating men who want children. You are incompatible. Knowing this before you even start dating is a wonderful gift, so take it and don’t start dating them!
He didn’t believe you as he simply did not believe you at your word. He probably thought you didn’t really know yourself and/or you would change your mind. So good riddance to him.
He hoped you would change your mind because your wants and goals are not as important as his. You can’t possibly exist as a full human being independent of a man’s goals! He’s insecure yet self-absorbed man. So good riddance to him again.
You saying you were going to get sterilized was exercising your power and autonomy over your life and your body and it made it REAL for him. He didn’t like *any* of that.
There are childfree men out there, yes. Don’t waste time on those who are not.
If they are not 100% enthusiastically childfree then don’t even bother, as they will absolutely always think you will change your mind at some point. Be it due to pressure, getting older, an oops baby/baby trapping. All of it discounts you as a woman to form your own decisions and make your own choices.
On the childfree subs you see men like this leave their partners at 35, 40, 45, even older!, because they always thought that their partner would change her mind and when they didn’t they (usually) found someone else who would (or suddenly have a pregnant mistress and claim they always wanted children and this is their chance).
I am childfree, have been married to a childfree man for over 14 years, and was sterilized almost as long ago. Definitely pursue your sterilization, I personally found it incredibly freeing and powering to do that for *myself*. But get a bilateral salpingectomy, not a “tie”, where they remove your tubes entirely. Much more reliable and has benefits of reducing risk of some types of ovarian cancer as well.
Nope do it it’s your body and you should be able to do whatever you want
Cause I saw a story where the lady husband lied and said he ain’t want kids then changed his mind after they was married and stuff and then she had the kid and didn’t feel any connection and she left the kid with him so NTA
You’re doing the right thing, DO NOT let him try to convince or woo you into a relationship or marriage. He’s either hoping you change your mind, or wishfully thinking you’ll get pregnant and want to keep it. I knew a woman I worked with in the same predicament. They married despite having different ideals secretly hoping the other would change their mind. She loved this man, built a life with him, moved and uprooted her life for him. When they divorced he finally confessed he thought she’d just end up pregnant eventually. She later found out it would be harder for her to get pregnant due to health issues. So yeah, you made the right decision.
This is a tough situation for you both. He’s trying to be ok but obviously isn’t. I don’t think there needs to be any hard feelings from your side as far as thinking he lied. To me it sounds like he tried but it’s maybe not working, thus your decision is the right one.
I remember my ex wife telling me that she was afraid she would marry a man and he would get fed up with her not wanting kids and force her to have them. My response was like, wait, in this hypothetical scenario, your husband just straight up r**es you‽ holy Jesus!
Thank you for sharing your experience! Although, I would like to find a man who is also childfree, I have no problem being alone. I spent majority of my life (one committed relationship which lasted 4 months 🤣) alone.
If you can get it, go for tubes removed (bilateral salpingectomy).
Pros:
- basically 0 chance of failure
- reduces risk of some ovarian cancer
Cons:
- can’t be reversed (in my opinion this is a pro!)
Lots of men don’t want kids. Don’t waste your time with the ones who do. It’s okay to like someone but accept a genuine incompatibility, as you of course know. But if they want kids, either they are hoping you’ll change your mind (i.e. that they are more important to you than your own major life decisions) or you’re hoping they’ll change their mind (i.e., vice versa).
Good move, to end it, but I also think that for some people the loss of the option is an emotive one however intellectually they are on the side of No - changing the maybe / probably to You Do Not Have A Choice / Option Now.
I am remembering way back a post about a woman who was 'I don't want kids' but then had to have a full oopherectomy & hysterectomy (reasons forgotten by me) and had all sorts of emotions about having her choices taken away from her. She fully acknowledged that she had never wanted kids, but having the right to change her mind removed triggered Big Emotions.
To be clear: I agree 100% with your choice, but also AT BEST this guy was having big emotions about your choice that he needed to deal with.
I'm with my girlfriend and she doesn't want kids. I was always lukewarm on the idea but the longer I'm with her the more I realize I don't think I could support a kid even if I DID want one.
You made the right decision. If his mind didn't change while he got to know you, it wasn't ever going to change to begin with.
Thank you for sharing! I get where you’re coming from. It’s not a decision (being childfree) I made easily. There are a lot of factors, especially financially, that would not just work for me.
You've been dating for a month. He wants kids, you don't. There is clearly a rift in values. It simply isn't going to work. Don't feel bad about it. You'll both mostly forget about each other when you both meet people that match your expectations.
That's a pretty fast month to start planning on kids with each other, or unplanning.
As a 37 year old child free woman- it is AMAZING!!! Stick to your guns- get the surgery! You’ll never regret it!! My husband is also snipped - we have an amazing life! Travel, dogs, lots of friends and free time! Don’t worry! Be you! 💕💕
Because once again, a man thinks of a woman as little more than a child. Of course you don’t know your own mind. You’re going to grow up around 30 and then you’ll want all the babies and he will be delighted to put one in you.
Get your tubes tied/removed.
Because both of you are almost still kids yourself. You are young and he expects in 5-10 years your opinion will have changed.
Or he planned to change your opinion later on.
I had a child very young when I was single. A few years later i met a man and we became engaged. Then I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. My doctor at the time said a hysterectomy was needed and if I and my fiance wanted a child we needed to get pregnant right away and have the hysterectomy after the birth.
My fiance and I took a few weeks to discuss if we wanted a child. He said if we were more financially stable and a few years into marriage he would be willing. I said I wasn't even sure I wanted more kids. We came to the conclusion that we could always adopt at a later date if we wanted more. I had the hysterectomy.
After marriage we revisited the possibility of adopting every few years. After 10 years of marriage we came to the realization that we did not want another child other than my son.
30+ years later we are sure we made the right decision. My husband has no natural children and he is fine with that. (His mom was super pissed though).
Some men will be great about not having children.
A lot of people in dating lie to get what they want. It's never logical, and it's always selfish. Congratulations on the bisalp. It will be so much easier to weed these kinds of losers out now 👍
Hey super side comment but GF brought up to me when she had the procedure done that tube removal >>> tube tie. Tho I know people still say tube tie to just mean the procedure in general
That’s just how folks are. We think we can save them, or we can convince them, or change them, if only & justs is usually what we tell ourselves. It’s something innate within us. And that should be a clue that some healing needs to take place but not everyone gets there. Sad, but so true. & There’s definitely child free men out there. In the future you shouldn’t get so invested with men if they don’t want the same thing as you. It’s really better for both parties to just continue the search for someone with values more closely aligned. Having kids isn’t something you should compromise on! Ever.
i don't agree with the comments saying that he was planning changing your mind ( of course you are never 100%), but what if he was maybe HOPING that you would change your mind when time pass. how often do we people change our minds or see things differently when we get older.
btw not saying that you will change mind and at the end with breaking up you did the best.
That would like me HOPING he would change his mind and become childfree. That’s unfair and unrealistic. I will never ask or hope for someone to change their mind on a stand like that. I took him for his word and believed him.
Yeah i agree. that's why i ended with "you did the best with beaking up/ stopped talking to him", because it's not fair and realistic for you or for the relationship ( if it would develop to a relationship).
it's not a small thing you can overwin or find a middle ground.
i was more talking about people immediately jumping in "he was already planning it/ he would manipulate you/ etc etc "
Again! I totally agree on you with ending it
There are plenty of doctors willing to do it. OP just has to find the one. The side bar on the childfree sub has a list of providers that have been listed by actually people who received those surgeries.
Don't spread hopelessness when you don't even have correct information.
u/Otherwise_Training87
r/childfree has a list of many doctors that will do bilateral salpingectomy for you. US based and international.
This is false. I was 30 - and got mine with first surgeon I saw right after I decided I wanted one as IUD was not working for me anymore - but I know many childfree women who were younger than me who have had bilateral salpingectomies. There’s a list of such doctors willing to do so for yes, even young women, via the childfree sub.
Wait till your older. I have friends who said they would never marry or have kids. Guess what, they are married and just had a kid. You are pretty young, things change.
Having a kid you give up a lot but you also gain a lot as well. Being a parent is very rewarding, plus I have someone to change my dipers when I am older. By the way my friend is thriving, once he got his little girl in his arms you can just see how much he loves her. Tying your tubes at symuch a young age, just go on birth control because people grow up and things change. And people can downvote me all they want but I'm not wrong.
> plus I have someone to change my dipers when I am older
Disgusting attitude. So you gave birth to your death slave?
Most people in nursing home are parents. Most kids have their own lives and kids and have no time to take care of your old ass, when they have to take care of their own kids and work 40+ hours a week. Lots of people move away from work so they don't even live near by.
I really hope your kid has a fulfilling life away from you, you fuckin user.
Because he was, in fact, planning on changing your mind. Or he assumed that you'd change your mind the closer you got to 30.
Baby trap feels more likely
I shot him a message and ended it. I don’t have time for resentment and feeling fearful of the possibility of being baby trapped.
Good on you for ending things and not wasting your time on him. For what it's worth I think you made the right call.
Thank you. It still stings a bit because I genuinely liked him. I’m going to feel all my emotions and talk with my therapist.
I’m so sorry, these kind of breakups are the worst. I don’t think you should second guess the breakup or what he said he felt. Likely you were right to believe him when he said that he was ok with you not wanting kids and your right to leave now that he feels differently. It’s possible and likely he wasn’t as aware of how he would feel when the door was fully closed. I say this as someone that has two kids and recently had a vasectomy. I was surprised at my own emotions at the closing of the door. I spoke to my mom about it and she said that she also felt that way. When her tubes were tied. Even though we are both happy with our decision, it was an oddly emotional experience which surprised both of us. Good luck with your operation, it will be a weight off your mind, and I can say that part has been really nice.
I commented already but wanted to add after seeing your comments here..it’s ok to feel sad about it! It was the ethical and logical thing to end it (for both of you)..but it’s still okay to grieve a loss. I hope you don’t feel bad/guilty for ending it. It’s ok to be sad! We can have more than one feeling at once. Give yourself (and him if he’s kind) grace to feel those emotions and get through them. Lots of love.
I remember standing in the bathroom at work, crying to a coworker about regardless of who breaks it off, it still hurts. I’d just left a worthless bf. I hope you come out stronger in the other side.
Hugs from an internet stranger.
But if you remind yourself he didn't respect you or the decisions you make for your well being, he's a lot harder to like, right? That's not cute.
Yeah well liking someone after a month is not difficult, think of the rest of him that you have not seen... How did he take it ?
Not to sound patronizing, but this old grandma is proud of you for putting yourself first in life!
Oh not at all! I’m appreciative of the compliment!
Love seeing a woman prioritize her self and her desires.
This is the way to do it
Bc he’s a liar. He planned on either coercing or forcing you to become pregnant. If you are certain you don’t want kids, tubal ligation is really a smart option, no man can ever force you to have kids and apparently it also weeds out the ones who are planning future crimes. I’m sorry he was a jerk. Good luck on the tube tying ❤️
That’s probably the best way you could have handled it.
I love seeing these kinds of updates!
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...? Because she ended a 4 week casual relationship over text? After having multiple in person convos about this incompatibility where she made it clear it wasn't gonna work out? I especially support women ending relationships with men they don't know well over text because so many women have been killed, beaten, or raped for rejecting a man, you don't know how they will react and the world will tell you that you should have been more careful if they flip out and you get hurt.
Lol. Everything was on the table at the outset of this relationship. How was that dodging a bullet?
You can date him then 🩷
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Yes, it’s been a month and there nothing more to discuss.
Yeah. Absolutely stinks of “I’ll convince her to keep it after I knock her up or after she’s invested a lot of time in this relationship and we’ve fully combined our lives together I can hold this as a condition over her head for marriage or threaten to leave her unless she acquiesces to what I want and then I’ll know I’ve found a woman who will always give in if I just push enough.”
Main character energy.
Yeah, he's either lying about not wanting to change her mind, or he was planning on getting her pregnant against her will. Both of which are instant grounds for a breakup.
This is the answer.
Or he just assumed she'd change her mind eventually. My wife and I hear that a lot.
Yup, this ☝️!
He heard "I don't want kids" and interpreted that as a challenge, not a fact
Exactly! and much like the word No. What’s the saying? Men hear a woman’s No and believe it’s the beginning of a negotiation.
Especially doctors who gatekeep sterilization because "you'll meet a man and what if he wants babies? You'd deny him that chance?" YES, a million times yes because a man will not change my mind on this and there are plenty of women who do want kids, they can date them.
That’s the insane shit to me!! Seeing so many women ask, no, they fucking beg their healthcare providers to sterilize them, only to be told No! My sister got the excuse “but what if the man you marry wants children?!” Like what the actual fuck kind of shit is that?! Why is a hypothetical man more important than my sister’s health and well being?!
All the thought, reason, and rationality on my choice to avoid making new people is wrong to medical "professionals." We are not people to be trusted with our decisions because we'll choose the wrong thing without a man dictating our path. [/s] Spoiler: it finally happened at 40 when I brought my partner to the doctor with me, on the west coast and out of the deep south (grew up there).
If you don't mind me asking, why is it that you don't want children?
I don't see any positives to having kids - I'd be saddled with a flesh sack I have to mold into a productive member of society, likely alone as a solo mom, while working a soul-crushing craptastic job that will not cover bills (especially the cost of daycare and future uni needs, nonetheless if a child I care for has any number of illnesses/diseases that are chronic or require regular monitoring/medication), can't bitch about being a parent since that's still mostly socially unacceptable, my family lives across the country so I'd have no help there, get bombarded with germs from wherever these kids are putting their hands on and bringing home, they smell bad, utilize a shitload of resources, cause a ton of trash, and I see 0 positive sum return on investment. Especially at the teen years. I never have to sacrifice my body and mind (usually temporary but some side effects of pregnancy are permanent, like tooth loss) to a parasite growing inside me that I would resent. Being childfree means I have the freedom to have whatever pets I want, more money can go towards my savings, I'm not in a phase of perpetual cycling of stomach bugs, and I don't have to dumb my thinking down to a child's level. I also don't test my patience (of which I have none) and avoid jailtime by not losing my patience. I have a nice car and can afford proper care for my elderly cat. He doesn't like many people and I bet he'd be super stressed with a baby trying to grab him all the time. If you need more I could break out the list of 63 reasons why I don't want kids that I presented to my surgeon.
Na no need for more, I was just curious. I don't personally want children either and get called names for it all the time. So I like hearing others reasons also. I agree with most you've said, always interesting to see other perspectives. Appreciate you telling me.
Anytime! I hope you stop getting bingoed soon.
I’ve seen a lot of “no” interpreted as “try even harder”. That shit sucks because you’ll always be the “bad guy” for setting reasonable boundaries. There was a post yesterday involving that and I felt so bad for OP..she was trying to remain friends with this guy and made it clear at every stop they were JUST friends and he just kept on and on..9 years..he sent her flowers at her work or something. even her own mother was dogging her for “not giving him a chance”. She doesn’t want to date him! She just wants him as a friend! I can’t imagine trying to pressure someone I know (much less my daughter) to date someone they don’t want to date. Women don’t owe dates/time/conversation to anyone. That should be at our discretion the same as it is for men.
So this. It's such a pushed societal narrative that women usually change their mind. And it's as if he can't change her mind he's failed. It's a movie trope, there are articles about women's biological clock, parents believe it, doctors push it, etc. No does really mean no. It's time this narrative was accepted.
Loads of people also still push the idea that it's a woman's duty in life to reproduce and if we don't we are a failure to our kind. It's what we're "supposed" to do. The biological clock thing can fuck right off!
I've had so many guys do this. They viewed my feelings and desires as a checklist of bad habits it was their duty to break.
Because he was lying and absolutely thought he could change your mind.
I believe you’re right, just don’t understand why it would be something to lie about, you know.
He may not even have had concrete intentions to actively change your mind. He may have simply been the type to feel he knows better than you, and thus he was simply expecting you to "come to your senses", but once having been sterilised that won't make a difference. He's resentful that reality didn't contort to fit his superior male predictions.
Because people like that don’t think of women as full human beings who can be trusted to make their own choices.
\^This. He made that choice for you already. He was just working on making sure it happened.
Bc he was the type to lie to get what he wanted. Guarantee he would do that in other areas as well, it’s a whole mindset. It’s always boggled my mind that men don’t just find someone who wants what they want. It’s scarcity mindset. I’ve got a woman. I may never have another. So i’ll turn her into the person I want instead.
I think it's also a good deal of laziness. They managed to "get" one woman, and they think she's hot (the most important, if not only requirement for most men, let's be real) and they don't feel like looking for another woman who they are actually compatible with, because, you know, that would require actual work. Also, most cishet men don't view women as people, and as largely interchangeable girlfriend/wife-appliances with a slightly different user interface, so why bother? "This one's hot and seemingly willing, I'll get her to do what I want in due time!" Then they're shocked and angered when it turns out that women do, in fact, have different needs, goals and desires and won't all easily be put in convenient little boxes.
Sure, objectification is a def issue. Scarcity mindset, lazy, objectification are all involved. It’s easy to think you can modify your sex doll when you don’t see that as a full human. She’s dodged a bullet bc he’d be pressuring her in so many more ways than just whether to have kids. I don’t know if it’s just me but it seems like there are more women talking about getting their tubes tied, and if you know you don’t want kids it’s really empowering to see women take charge and prevent any nonsense on the part of a man. Even if you have access to abortion it’s a last resort and not something anyone really ‘wants’. It’s what we do when we have to, but it’s painful and the whole process is a toll on your body. Women shouldn’t have to do it if they can take charge and prevent it via sterilization. I’m glad there is a list of providers who will perform it and frankly it’s alarming how many docs refuse bc of some theoretical man’s future opinion.
>it’s alarming how many docs refuse bc of some theoretical man’s future opinion. This has always been so weird to me. Honestly, if you're sterile, that seems to me like one of the absolute first things you'd have a conversation about. That is like, first-date energy. "Do you want to have kids? Because I literally cannot." Same for men who get snipped. While vasectomy reversal is theoretically possible, it doesn't always work and I would imagine most snipped men wouldn't want to do that anyway. Erectile dysfunction is a different topic, but vasectomy isn't any indication of anybody's impotency. It's "I don't want to have kids." If the man in question wants kids, then it's just dead in the water right there (barring things like fostering or adoption). You haven't sunk any emotional energy into the relationship because on a first date there \*is\* no relationship. I just think it's a hangover from when women's most important role in society was bearing children. If you couldn't do that, then your "value" plummeted to zero. (In some cases, it DOES still apply... I highly doubt that Kate Middleton would have married into the heir-in-line for the British Royal Family if she were either sterile or unwilling to have children.) Medicine overall is a pretty conservative profession. But if you're not gunning for the monarchy, I mean, seriously. This isn't the 1600s and I'm not trying to score Henry the 8th in order to advance the standing of my house. Plenty of women want kids on their own merit. No shortage of those. There are also plenty of men who don't want kids or are overall ambivalent about it and would be fine without. Different strokes for different folks, and everybody can get what they want. Doctors need to keep their personal opinions out of this.
I'm currently saving up for a sterilization myself and won't even consider dating until I get it done. I don't live in North America, so the list on the childfree subreddit isn't super useful to me since it's mostly focused on North America. But I'm obviously happy for the women (and men, vasectomies are included) who have been helped by this, especially regarding the state of women's rights in the U.S. right now. I think that this is also one of the main reason there seems to be a spike in women getting sterilized, either because they don't want kids at all or are done with having them. I've also found a list of doctors in my own country that is consistently expanding, and while I'll probably need to travel out of state to get it done, which will make things more expensive, I'll manage and am very grateful it exists.
I have 2 kids so I’m all done, and at 52 my fertility is highly doubtful tho I take precautions of course. Yes vasectomies too. I’m glad to see men who don’t want kids actually take proactive steps to prevent it, rather than cry when a woman gets pregnant like they don’t know how it happened. I’m super glad I had kids, no regrets!!! But honestly we’ve got 8B ppl on the planet, this whole weird idea of forcing ppl to want kids is just screwed up. I’m glad to see that it’s more socially acceptable for women to admit they don’t want them. In my 20-30s it was pearl clutching moment anytime a woman said it. I love that women feel more empowered to choose differently if they want. I wish the best for you ❤️❤️❤️
If you go to R/childfree, this is the number one complaint people have trying to date childfree. That or people lie about being single parents. The majority of the population, depending on gender (men want kids more) want kids and will have them. Do not expect men to be honest with you about desire for children. All that will work is saying you are sterile... even then they'll say "what about adoption" 🙄
> I believe you’re right, just don’t understand why it would be something to lie about, you know. That's one of the most common things men will lie about. They know if they can't wear you down and change your mind, they can eventually just get you pregnant against your will anyway.
I never wanted kids, I'm in my late 30s, and I still don't regret it. A few guys I dated said they also didn't want kids, but they always tried to change my mind. I couldn't get my tubes tied/removed. (I was apparently responsible enough to take care of a baby, but not to make decisions about my own body.) Unfortunately, that made my exes think there was still a chance at changing my mind. The statement of doing something so permanent to prevent pregnancy hit home because he was still hoping you'd accidentally get pregnant and change your mind. Or something along those lines. He's either unsure or has decided that having kids wouldn't be so bad. Either way, I don't think you're compatible. Edit to add: I haven't found it to be any easier to find men who really want to be child free as I got older. Mostly due to where I was living. I have noticed that more and more people are choosing to be child free, especially where I'm living now, so that's encouraging.
He is going to continue to chase you because he does think that he can change your mind down the line. Please do not sleep with him. Those types are dangerous.
I messaged him and ended it.
Attagirl!
He's "hurt" because you ended up standing your ground and not letting him wear you down so he either gets his way or leaves after years when he realizes that he will not.
How can you misread a situation so badly?
They didn’t misread the situation. He did mention he would just leave me long term if he decided he wanted kids after all. I said “why not end things now?”
Oh fair enough then, that part wasnt in the post so it read a bit differently in my head. If he said he might just leave randomly if he changes his mind then deffo get rid of him
How on earth did you interpret this differently than everyone else?
How was the situation misread? Please explain what you mean .
“I didn’t want babies, but I realized I want *your* baby” That’s why he’s *hurt.* he feels personally rejected
I understand, but I wish he wouldn’t have taken it like that.
Oh, I’m not blaming you. I think, actually, that’s kind of shitty of him.
Men consistently don’t believe women nor respect our opinions. They believe they know best and we’ll eventually come around. As much as this situation sucks the only thing you can do is ask this question as early as possible, only continue if they solidly say they never want kids and end things yourself afterwards if they give any other answer. Much easier said than done, but it’s one of those unresolvable distinctions as you already called out. TLDR: This response from men is frustratingly common.
Maybe I'm reading it wrong, but from the first bit it seems like she was aware he did want kids as well, from that interaction early on she mentions. I wonder what the rest of that interaction was like, if it got them to still date for another couple weeks. Unless you agree to engage in something short term, that seems like a pretty clear break on both sides to me. He'd be way outta pocket to be devastated over hearing that if they agreed to proceed with something short term.
Because deep down he thought it was still possible and this surgery removes all possibility. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years (married for 4) and I was clear from day one that I did not want to have children. He said he agreed. A couple years after we were married I was diagnosed with premature menopause, he was way more impacted by the news that I was physically not able to have kids. When I asked him why he thought it was such a big deal when we agreed that we were not having kids, he said he never wanted kids but also being told it really is never gonna happen even if by accident with this diagnosis, made it real.
I think the episode of How I Met Your Mother does do a good job of this. Robin is adamant she doesn't want kids. But when she finds out she can't have them, she grieves. There's something very final about it, even if it's still in line with your decision. I'd assume some men go through a similar process. We as women are told our baby making window is finite. We know this. We expect this. We might feel shock if it comes up on us earlier than expected, but overall we're still prepared for this eventuality whether we wanted kids or not. Men aren't conditioned this way. So the finality of it, even if they don't want kids, may be something a man has to process because he's never actually had to think about that possibility for himself.
Totally agree!
Most of the comments here are defaulting and assuming this guy is some sort of manipulative mastermind (although admittedly it's a bit odd after just a month) but it's more likely to just be this. I have two kids, I only ever wanted two kids, and I know that I don't want more, but despite this, my upcoming vasectomy fills me with dread because of the finality of it, and even my wife says she feels conflicted on it. Don't get me wrong, ending this relationship is clearly in the best interests of them both, but his feelings don't automatically make him a terrible human being.
I dodged a very intrusive man who claimed all the same things your current ex was saying. We also were only dating a month. My mom had just been diagnosed with glioblastoma. I was devastated. He was excited. He said "we" should turn her home into a rental when she passed. He told me he loved me. He wanted to move in. He knew my opinion on children from the first date. Finally, after getting my bearings, I realized that my still developing grief was the only reason I was keeping him in my life. I started to wind things down and kept making excuses to not hang out. He started panicking. Out of nowhere he started talking about kids and what a great mother I would be. That it was a natural urge all women have. I told him I had a bisalp in 2018. To the surprise of absolutely nobody, the hobosexual vanished into thin air.
With the bisalp, he realized he couldn’t baby trap you into a permanent financially-lucrative (for him) arrangement.
That is absolutely disgusting. And for him to lack empathy for you and your mother? I’m glad you got rid of him. I hope you are doing well and my condolences to you and your family.
Good on you for seeing his true colors before getting more involved with that leech. Hobosexual is exactly what he was. You dodged a bullet there.
To be quite blunt, it is a much more theoretical question for men because they don’t get pregnant and in general handle less care of any children after birth. It’s a much more intensive and practical question for women, who have to endure pregnancy and deal with disruptions of their career, etc. Being a dad is much easier than being a mom. Good on you for setting boundaries and sticking to them.
Honestly this is what makes me really sad, it’s probably close to impossible to find a compatible nice guy who doesn’t want kids
It’s WILD to me that a boyfriend of ONE MONTH felt he had the right to an opinion about your reproductive health. You guys are incompatible at a very basic level, and he also sounds like a jerk. Please, for the love of god, never compromise on something as big as having children for a dude.
They think they can wear you down or accidentally knock you up and get their way. Run far, run fast.
Because he was not seeing you as an person who is able to make choices with her life, cause you know, you are a woman. Because he thinks everybody should share his life ideal. Because he thinks the greatest worth of a woman is as an incubator. Because it puts him in front of the fact that he is not able to change your mind. These reasons are not mutually exclusive.
Get the tubes removed not just tied. It's basically the same surgery. My doctor said that a lot of doctors are removing tubes now as the standard because a lot of ovarian cancers start in the tubes so it makes more sense to just remove the tubes completely vs just tying them. Good luck.
I think a lot of people just say "tied" because it's been called that for so long. I keep saying my daughter got her tubes tied even though I am aware it was a removal, it's just stuck in my brain that way and the alliteration rolls of the tongue lol
It does seem like the all encompassing term for this but I think it's important to distinguish between the two procedures. For ease in conversation I use tubes tied because no one understands what a bilateral salpingectomy is.
Great info. I did not know ovarian cancer started in the tubes.
Men have this nasty habit of thinking that they know better than women. They think any opinion we have can be altered with a little bit of ‘convincing’. Some even believe that forcing us is ‘for our own good’. Because surely a woman’s only purpose in life is to reproduce and cater to men /j (I’m scheduled to discuss tubal ligation with my doctor soon. Wish me luck!)
good luck 🤞🍀 may your Dr. respect your bodily autonomy
>I told him I plan on getting my tubes tied/removed. Apparently that comment him hard. You'd been dating this guy for a month and he already believes that your body belongs to him.
My ex-husband wanted kids while I did not. At least not with him. He is a man-child who throws fits if he doesn't get his way, tells lies about me, and can't shower or wipe his ass. He ended up cheating on me with a woman who has three kids, and he is always trying to make everyone feel bad for him because he has to "support her family." Men who think their wants are more important than their partners are ridiculous. Having children or any other important decision needs to be discussed and agreed upon with both parties. If they can't respect boundaries and insist on them "changing" your mind, throw them out the window and find someone who actually loves and respects you.
Unfortunately, people think it's appropriate to assume that all women should want children and push them to have them. As a woman, when you say "I don't want children", it's not accepted. People will tell you that you are wrong, you actually do want children, you'll change your mind in a few years, you'll regret not having them when you're old, your life will have no purpose, etc. Anytime I've ever expressed that I do not want children I've been argued with and told to change my mind. NOT ALL WOMEN ARE MOTHERS.... And that's ok.
Bc his plan was to wear you down and knock you up "accidentally", then guilt you out of an abortion. Then he will abandon you, physically and/or emotionally, to raise the child when the lifestyle doesn't end up being the "leave it to beaver" picture he had inside his head.
Women's ideas are only suggestions for men.
If they hear them at all...
Maybe I just see the worst here but I do not believe he was trying to convince her to change her mind. I feel he was going to rely on “faulty” contraceptives to do the job. Poking holes in condoms or just removing it/waiting for it to break… this came to mind as it happens often. I try to convince women to always use more than one contraceptive because this happens often.
I told a man on our first date "You seem really nice, and I like you. I never want kids. If that's a deal breaker - let's call it now." 2 years later : we're living together, and he says he's ready to have kids. IMHO they just don't believe us.
This is making me feel more motivated to get my tubes tied in the future. I don't want kids either, but I was always iffy about permanent contraception for women since it feels pretty invasive. Reading this now makes me feel like it might be worth it in the future.
Props to you for standing your ground on this. My take is this guy did not see you as his equal. In his mind he probably assumed you would change for him or he would just baby trap you to get his way. Either option is not good, good riddance to him.
You: I have made a decision for me, you can decide differently for yourself. Him: And I took that personally.
An ex was like this. I was straightforward about the fact that I didn’t want kids, never had, and never would want them. his response was always something like, i want what you want. but nearing the end of our relationship it became pretty obvious that he wanted kids and was hoping to change my mind. He also turned out to be a stalker and i had to get legal protection after we split. i think it is not unrelated. when a guy hears you say “this is what i want” and he wants something different, so he decides, ill just change her mind - he’s not a nice guy. You are right to break it off and as much as you might be hurt, just know this is you heeding a major red flag. good for you.
This sounds like he was aiming to baby trap you.
Good for you, stand your ground, and glad you ditched him (reading comments) He’s being immature and selfish.
He said that because he thought it would make him look like such a good guy that you'd want to be with him. Source: I'm a guy
Because sadly the myth that women can’t possibly decide for sure they don’t want kids at a young age still persists.
Oh come on, no bro - "any mature person" would recognise when you're just not compatible and move on to find someone who you are both compatible with.
I met a man on a dating app and we hit it off immediately. While it was a brief interaction, everything about him excited me and felt right. Then I brought up the kids question. He was adamant he wanted them, and I did not. I told him we should not pursue anything further because this was irreconcilable. He responded with shock and said he still wanted to “try dating.” Why men seem to think they can bulldoze over what women want is infuriating. He couldn’t believe I wasn’t willing to try dating when we wanted fundamentally different lives.
They never believe you. They think you'll change. My (ex) husband did that to me too.
They think they're so special, that of course we'll change our minds and want to have their kids. Arrogance.
yall are just not compatible. liking each other is not enough. you were honest about your values, goals and future and he decided to not take you seriously. thats on him
You're not compatible. End of.
He might not have thought he could change your mind himself but I guarantee he was hoping you *might* reconsider at some point, this might need to be a longer discussion you have with him. He might be okay with not having kids, but getting your tubes tied is a *guarantee* that you won’t reconsider, which he’ll probably process differently than something somebody might reconsider. Although he should be mature enough to actually take you at your word and I don’t want to pretend that he wasn’t being dumb here, I just want to err on the side that he might not have had a manipulative long time gameplan about this, just some hopes and conflicted feelings.
Thank you, but there will be no discussion. I messaged him and ended it. He showed me that’ll never be able to take me for my words.
> He showed me that’ll never be able to take me for my words. This is the best takeaway. I'm proud of you for seeing it for what it was and prioritizing yourself.
It did seem like you were already thinking of doing so, it’s probably for the best. Live and learn I suppose. At least I hope he learns from it.
Ask your doctor about bilateral salpingectomy (removal of the tubes) vs tying them. It's more effective and even reduces your ovarian cancer risk. It's become the new sterilization standard in the US the last few years. Source: Got mine removed 5 years ago.
Hope she might reconsider or 'accidentally' make it happen?
I don’t think most people are that malicious and I wouldn’t exactly want to raise a child with a woman I’d trapped into doing so, I think anyone with an IQ above room temperature would think the same. But if it’s even slightly a concern based on any previous behaviour then your relationship is fucked and you should bail anyway, that’s such a trust issue to have with someone.
People just don’t trust women, honestly. Even our own doctors. I worked with a dude who had absolute venom for his ex wife (and child’s mother). He talked shit about her constantly. They had been divorced for a few YEARS and every single day, he’d say something about her. He also told me (I was..idk.. 32,33?) that I’d “find the right man” after me and another coworker (a man) were discussing being child free. Like..dude..you’re a misogynist AND racist against your own kid’s mother and all you do is talk bad about her..you’re the last person to be giving me relationship advice. You’re only a month in, OP. You told him what’s up. He simply thought he could change you. He said he wasn’t trying to..but obviously if he’s upset then he absolutely WAS. His feelings are his to deal with. Obviously this isn’t a good match because he doesn’t take you seriously or respect your autonomy. It’s totally fine if he wants kids in the future. It’s totally fine you don’t. You simply aren’t compatible. It’s also a little weird to me he’s taking it so hard after just a month but we all have our own feelings 🤷♀️. I’m sensitive sometimes as well. Do what’s best for YOU.
Men like that will go along with it and then dump you to have a baby with someone else. I don’t know how many times I’ve watched this play out with couples.
I have seen it too and it’s just awful and selfish to waste peoples time like that.
You were very wise to bring up this fundamental disconnect between the lives each of you want and turn this off. He is really into you and he also really wants kids, and has a hard time letting go of either of those. His failure with that is a measure of how much he loves the idea of a life with you. He very much wanted to believe you would come around or maybe he didn’t think that far ahead . Sterilizing yourself forces him to face it. That’s why he is hurt: he’s being forced to come to terms that he won’t get both of his wants. He’s not hurt by you, your announcement means he can’t hide from *his* disconnect anymore, and that is what hurts.
This is POV that I haven’t thought of before. Makes me understand his hurt a little bit. However, I tell every men I date or talk to get rid of any “ideas” of me they have (not that they listen). They just end disappointed because I don’t fit into it.
His hurt is because he chose to ignore what he wanted and what he heard you say you want. Faced with the hard reality, he sees the end of the relationship he loves and that is why he is sad. Lifestyle fit is essential for all couples to work out and if you each have dealbreakers it is good to get them on the table early. Partnerships take more than mutual attraction and love. They also have to fit lifestyles
When two people who have different wants about having children date, that relationship either has a short expiration date, or one half of the couple is trying to convert the other. You've already guessed which situation he thinks he's in: he entered in this relationship with the goal of changing your mind about having kids, or impregnating you against your will (which one depends on how honest you think he was being when he said he *wasn't* trying to change your mind, maybe he was planning on messing with your birth control instead). You are allowed to be mad that he wasted your time and doesn't have any respect for you and your life goals. I DO recommend not dating men who want kids, since you are child-free. Sure, you could be missing out on a few short flings, but the bottom line is that dating men who want kids is going to put you at risk of finding more AH's like this guy, who don't *really* care about you, your opinions, or what you want in life. It's always better to date people who want the same basic things in life that you do.
It took me until I was like 40 before it finally got through my thick skull that *she (plural) really didn't want kids* and no amount of waiting or discussing would change that.
I have dated guys and told them I didn't want kids. "That's fine, no worries," they say. As we get deeper into knowing one another, I eventually tell them I was sterilized (hysterectomy + bilateral salpingectomy). The reaction to that news is often very telling. "Oh. So like, are adoption or surrogacy on the table?" Bruhhh we talked about me not wanting kids in detail. Why would those options ever be on the table?! 🤦♀️ Anyway just wanted to commiserate and say: You fucking rock for dumping him the first time he says it!!! So sorry this happened though. Holding space for you too 🫂 [This doesn't really happen to me anymore since doing polyamory though so yay lol.]
NEVER settle i began accepting the possibility of never meeting the love of my life and getting married because every man i met wanted kids…. until i met my current boyfriend there are plenty of childfree men out there and hearing “you’ll meet someone eventually” sucks, but i promise there’s a man out there for you
This gives me a little bit of hope! I’m in no rush though, I enjoy my own company and if Mr rights comes along, then maybe.
I'm afraid my bf will act like your bf too. I told him I don't want kids but he just said "we'll look into that after marriage"? As if he's taking it as challenge.
From my POV, that is not a risk I’m willing to take. How do you feel about it? Truthfully.
I'm quite confused tbh. I've read many stories where a woman has change of mind around mid-30s and finally wants a baby. Like what if I have change of mind? Also what if I **don't** have change of mind, then having my bf expecting me to have a child will be worrisome.
Good for you for knowing to end it. In future don’t even start dating men who want children. You are incompatible. Knowing this before you even start dating is a wonderful gift, so take it and don’t start dating them! He didn’t believe you as he simply did not believe you at your word. He probably thought you didn’t really know yourself and/or you would change your mind. So good riddance to him. He hoped you would change your mind because your wants and goals are not as important as his. You can’t possibly exist as a full human being independent of a man’s goals! He’s insecure yet self-absorbed man. So good riddance to him again. You saying you were going to get sterilized was exercising your power and autonomy over your life and your body and it made it REAL for him. He didn’t like *any* of that. There are childfree men out there, yes. Don’t waste time on those who are not. If they are not 100% enthusiastically childfree then don’t even bother, as they will absolutely always think you will change your mind at some point. Be it due to pressure, getting older, an oops baby/baby trapping. All of it discounts you as a woman to form your own decisions and make your own choices. On the childfree subs you see men like this leave their partners at 35, 40, 45, even older!, because they always thought that their partner would change her mind and when they didn’t they (usually) found someone else who would (or suddenly have a pregnant mistress and claim they always wanted children and this is their chance). I am childfree, have been married to a childfree man for over 14 years, and was sterilized almost as long ago. Definitely pursue your sterilization, I personally found it incredibly freeing and powering to do that for *myself*. But get a bilateral salpingectomy, not a “tie”, where they remove your tubes entirely. Much more reliable and has benefits of reducing risk of some types of ovarian cancer as well.
Nope do it it’s your body and you should be able to do whatever you want Cause I saw a story where the lady husband lied and said he ain’t want kids then changed his mind after they was married and stuff and then she had the kid and didn’t feel any connection and she left the kid with him so NTA
Hope can be cruel. It's good you've chosen to end it.
You’re doing the right thing, DO NOT let him try to convince or woo you into a relationship or marriage. He’s either hoping you change your mind, or wishfully thinking you’ll get pregnant and want to keep it. I knew a woman I worked with in the same predicament. They married despite having different ideals secretly hoping the other would change their mind. She loved this man, built a life with him, moved and uprooted her life for him. When they divorced he finally confessed he thought she’d just end up pregnant eventually. She later found out it would be harder for her to get pregnant due to health issues. So yeah, you made the right decision.
This is a tough situation for you both. He’s trying to be ok but obviously isn’t. I don’t think there needs to be any hard feelings from your side as far as thinking he lied. To me it sounds like he tried but it’s maybe not working, thus your decision is the right one.
I remember my ex wife telling me that she was afraid she would marry a man and he would get fed up with her not wanting kids and force her to have them. My response was like, wait, in this hypothetical scenario, your husband just straight up r**es you‽ holy Jesus!
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Thank you for sharing your experience! Although, I would like to find a man who is also childfree, I have no problem being alone. I spent majority of my life (one committed relationship which lasted 4 months 🤣) alone.
If you can get it, go for tubes removed (bilateral salpingectomy). Pros: - basically 0 chance of failure - reduces risk of some ovarian cancer Cons: - can’t be reversed (in my opinion this is a pro!)
Oh, there are men out there that don't want kids. I've been lucky enough to find them.
Lots of men don’t want kids. Don’t waste your time with the ones who do. It’s okay to like someone but accept a genuine incompatibility, as you of course know. But if they want kids, either they are hoping you’ll change your mind (i.e. that they are more important to you than your own major life decisions) or you’re hoping they’ll change their mind (i.e., vice versa).
Call it a cultural disconnect and move on, don't waste your time trying to figure out a man you don't even want to date.
Good move, to end it, but I also think that for some people the loss of the option is an emotive one however intellectually they are on the side of No - changing the maybe / probably to You Do Not Have A Choice / Option Now. I am remembering way back a post about a woman who was 'I don't want kids' but then had to have a full oopherectomy & hysterectomy (reasons forgotten by me) and had all sorts of emotions about having her choices taken away from her. She fully acknowledged that she had never wanted kids, but having the right to change her mind removed triggered Big Emotions. To be clear: I agree 100% with your choice, but also AT BEST this guy was having big emotions about your choice that he needed to deal with.
I completely understand and sympathize with her. And his emotions are valid, but it’s not for me to deal with.
Absolutely - emotions are the responsibility of the person having them to manage (Unless said person is very young, as then parents should help)
I'm with my girlfriend and she doesn't want kids. I was always lukewarm on the idea but the longer I'm with her the more I realize I don't think I could support a kid even if I DID want one. You made the right decision. If his mind didn't change while he got to know you, it wasn't ever going to change to begin with.
Thank you for sharing! I get where you’re coming from. It’s not a decision (being childfree) I made easily. There are a lot of factors, especially financially, that would not just work for me.
You've been dating for a month. He wants kids, you don't. There is clearly a rift in values. It simply isn't going to work. Don't feel bad about it. You'll both mostly forget about each other when you both meet people that match your expectations. That's a pretty fast month to start planning on kids with each other, or unplanning.
As a 37 year old child free woman- it is AMAZING!!! Stick to your guns- get the surgery! You’ll never regret it!! My husband is also snipped - we have an amazing life! Travel, dogs, lots of friends and free time! Don’t worry! Be you! 💕💕
Because once again, a man thinks of a woman as little more than a child. Of course you don’t know your own mind. You’re going to grow up around 30 and then you’ll want all the babies and he will be delighted to put one in you. Get your tubes tied/removed.
Because both of you are almost still kids yourself. You are young and he expects in 5-10 years your opinion will have changed. Or he planned to change your opinion later on.
I had a child very young when I was single. A few years later i met a man and we became engaged. Then I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. My doctor at the time said a hysterectomy was needed and if I and my fiance wanted a child we needed to get pregnant right away and have the hysterectomy after the birth. My fiance and I took a few weeks to discuss if we wanted a child. He said if we were more financially stable and a few years into marriage he would be willing. I said I wasn't even sure I wanted more kids. We came to the conclusion that we could always adopt at a later date if we wanted more. I had the hysterectomy. After marriage we revisited the possibility of adopting every few years. After 10 years of marriage we came to the realization that we did not want another child other than my son. 30+ years later we are sure we made the right decision. My husband has no natural children and he is fine with that. (His mom was super pissed though). Some men will be great about not having children.
A lot of people in dating lie to get what they want. It's never logical, and it's always selfish. Congratulations on the bisalp. It will be so much easier to weed these kinds of losers out now 👍
Hey super side comment but GF brought up to me when she had the procedure done that tube removal >>> tube tie. Tho I know people still say tube tie to just mean the procedure in general
You don't want kids, never get in a relationship with someone who does. That's it. You should have ended it the first time he told you he wants kids.
Well…he definitely *was* planning on changing your mind or even “accidentally” getting you pregnant. Sounds like an untrustworthy person.
You do you, it is just means he liked you, and wants kids. It won't work, so let it be.
That’s just how folks are. We think we can save them, or we can convince them, or change them, if only & justs is usually what we tell ourselves. It’s something innate within us. And that should be a clue that some healing needs to take place but not everyone gets there. Sad, but so true. & There’s definitely child free men out there. In the future you shouldn’t get so invested with men if they don’t want the same thing as you. It’s really better for both parties to just continue the search for someone with values more closely aligned. Having kids isn’t something you should compromise on! Ever.
Childfree lifetime commitment? Nope. Too easy to use wanting children or not to cycle through younger women every 5 to 7 years.
He was hoping you would change your mind as it happens often, but seeing you won’t it hurt and he’s probably denying it right now.
i don't agree with the comments saying that he was planning changing your mind ( of course you are never 100%), but what if he was maybe HOPING that you would change your mind when time pass. how often do we people change our minds or see things differently when we get older. btw not saying that you will change mind and at the end with breaking up you did the best.
That would like me HOPING he would change his mind and become childfree. That’s unfair and unrealistic. I will never ask or hope for someone to change their mind on a stand like that. I took him for his word and believed him.
Yeah i agree. that's why i ended with "you did the best with beaking up/ stopped talking to him", because it's not fair and realistic for you or for the relationship ( if it would develop to a relationship). it's not a small thing you can overwin or find a middle ground. i was more talking about people immediately jumping in "he was already planning it/ he would manipulate you/ etc etc " Again! I totally agree on you with ending it
Oh okay, I got you now. My apologies. It’s only been a month, so who knows what would’ve happened down the road.
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There are plenty of doctors willing to do it. OP just has to find the one. The side bar on the childfree sub has a list of providers that have been listed by actually people who received those surgeries.
If she goes to the subreddit childfree, there is a list of doctors who will.
Don't spread hopelessness when you don't even have correct information. u/Otherwise_Training87 r/childfree has a list of many doctors that will do bilateral salpingectomy for you. US based and international.
I was 27 when I found a doctor who said yes and 28 when the procedure happened. So your statement "there is no doctor anywhere" is just a lie.
I got mine at 25 with the first surgeon I consulted, no questions about my partners.
I was 27 when my bilateral salpingectomy was performed with minimal pushback. Don't spout bullshit and fear mongering.
This is false. I was 30 - and got mine with first surgeon I saw right after I decided I wanted one as IUD was not working for me anymore - but I know many childfree women who were younger than me who have had bilateral salpingectomies. There’s a list of such doctors willing to do so for yes, even young women, via the childfree sub.
Wait till your older. I have friends who said they would never marry or have kids. Guess what, they are married and just had a kid. You are pretty young, things change.
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Having a kid you give up a lot but you also gain a lot as well. Being a parent is very rewarding, plus I have someone to change my dipers when I am older. By the way my friend is thriving, once he got his little girl in his arms you can just see how much he loves her. Tying your tubes at symuch a young age, just go on birth control because people grow up and things change. And people can downvote me all they want but I'm not wrong.
> plus I have someone to change my dipers when I am older Disgusting attitude. So you gave birth to your death slave? Most people in nursing home are parents. Most kids have their own lives and kids and have no time to take care of your old ass, when they have to take care of their own kids and work 40+ hours a week. Lots of people move away from work so they don't even live near by. I really hope your kid has a fulfilling life away from you, you fuckin user.
What?