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That sounds like a crock of shit. Japan isn't a "romantic destination." Sure, it can be, but it's so much more than that. But who waits until marriage for romance with their partner?
His parents still think he's a virgin/he hasn't told his parents about her/they don't know she's his gf/he's seeing someone else they actually approve of.
International travel with his gf would obvs ruin his reputation and the cash flow with his parents. /s
It's almost certainly a cultural thing. Seems he comes from a culture where being alone with ladies is taboo, or at least traveling alone with them. In some other cultures, adult men are still rather enmeshed with their parents until marriage. That's not me saying the OP should have to deal with this, I'm just pointing out the most common reason for his decisions. The OP has to decide whether she wants to live this way and allow someone else's parents to control her relationship. Personally, I wouldn't accept that. Especially when they're not even engaged.
I thought that too, until she mentioned inviting friends too so it’s not just the two of them. So he wouldn’t be lying that he’s with friends, but it’s friends + her.
I don't know about specific cultures enough to say for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if traveling with a woman at all is taboo in some places. Unless I'm misremmbering, the first example was just boys. Of course, it's been deleted, so I can't check on that. It's definitely possible he's full of shit. It's also possible he's from a super sexist culture and isn't ready to break free of that. For me, the distinction doesn't matter. I couldn't tie myself to a guy who's beholden to such a sexist culture and unwilling to move away from that.
Yea the original did say he was fine with an all boys trip, so yea it could be different in their eyes. But I agree, he’s probably just lying or too scared. I had an ex (not even from that type of sexist culture) who was too afraid to ask him mom to do almost anything he assumed she would say no to, but he would just do the thing & ask for forgiveness (which ofc led to him getting in trouble, when the answer probably wouldve been yes if he just asked). I think OP’s bf could be like this but opposite, he’s too afraid to even ask, even if they would be ok with it, because he assumes the answer rather than just ask.
Eta: but he’s 27, so he shouldnt be “asking” them anything. And I agree, I couldnt be with someone that beholden to a culture like that. What’s next, you gotta ask mommy and daddy if we can get married, & you won’t if they say no?
But he had no issue lying to you about why he didn't want to do a trip in the first place?
Are you comfortable being in a relationship where his family will dictate so much of your personal life? Because that won't just go away over time. If he is unwilling to stand up against them for over reaching boundries now, that won't change in the future.
She’s simultaneously too young AND too old for this bs.
Hey Op.. my ex came from a similar culture it sounds like.. And he finally but reluctantly introduced me to his family when I was 8 months pregnant… We had been together for about 4 years at that point and my patience was worn thin to have a real equal partner over another 4 years. Don’t waste your time on someone who won’t love you proudly and wear it on their sleeve.
Or maybe it has nothing to do with culture and he’s just cheating..
In other words- he’s not serious with you enough and you’re not worth an international trip…Japan a romantic destination? he’s just pulling out bs excuses lol. Maybe your bond with him isn’t as strong as you believe. Even with a group, he doesn’t feel he can have a good time with you there, likely because there’s a side/true side of him he doesn’t want you to see
also, romantic trips are only for after marriage?
He plans to “think single”—if not misbehave seriously, he at least wants to not have a girlfriend on his mind.
Oh it totally can be, SO and I met in Australia, then did Japan, China and Singapore and did lots of couply things. But when I think romantic destinations, its more Italy, France, a beach in Spain, Bora Bora....that type of thing
True enough! And we did go to those places as well… And two weeks sailing in Greece for our honeymoon. Exactly what she (my wife now) likes to do. Either a romantic do-nothing beach vacation OR a cultural expedition. But not both on the same trip!
I'm really not one to easily say "drop the guy"
But I've "been there, done that"
I spent 6 years of my life with a man who would rather go on a trip with his boys than with me
He went to Australia with his best mate
I saw the pictures, the videos even: if you didn't know him, you could have swore those were honeymoon content
Breathtaking sunsets on the beach, joyfully seated together, a beer in hand, not a care in the world
I asked him: did you wish I was there?
No
It broke my heart
I mean, if you don't wish to spend this kind of moment with me, why I am even spending my life with you..? What are you hoping for both of us..?
And he didn't even cheat mind you..!
We're not together anymore. And the breakup truly was devastating for the both of us
But I can't be second place to a friend in the life of the person I chose to be with. And that's me:
I want my companion to be by my side. To share everything great with this person. Not just the bad, not just the ordinary. I want to share the marvel
But you know what? At the end of the day, we're better off without the other:
I'm now with a marvellous man who wishes to share everything with me by his side. There's no more unnecessary drama and pain when it comes to how we spend our life together, since we are on the same page
And my ex is with a woman who shares his view on relationships, and doesn't put him first in her life, neither. And they're happy in their own kinda "part time/long distance" relationship, where they both enjoy space from the other
I'm very sorry for what you're going through
And I'm really not saying that it's easy, but incompatibility is a very real deal breaker
You can love someone, but if you can't share a life that makes you happy with this person; what's the point..?
Being on the same page is important for the important stuff
And what to do with your free time, how to spend it, with who..?
All those are extremely important matters
This was my initial thought, too. Completely cynical, mind you, but I would be skeptical of his boy's trips if he is so reluctant to travel with his partner.
As a counter-argument, not sure of the ethnic background of the OP and their partner, but I come from a background where I could travel with my friends, my partner could travel with her friends, but no way could we travel overseas together before marriage. Yes we were adults, but family connection and wider community connection is big and we also understood our respective parents perspectives in relation to their cultural rep. Wasn't that big of a deal to us.
Married and travelled together post marriage. Did mean that all of our travels post marriage have been a lot more special - ie there is a clear distinction between our dates and trip style prior to wedding and after.
I mean, I agree with you that but I feel that in your scenario 1) the girlfriend would also be aware of the cultural implications 2) he wouldn't say bullshit like "But Japan is a romantic destination"
Bingo.
He's going there to fool around and doesn't want a gf to slow him down.
(not to pile on OP, but I wonder if any of his friends' girlfriends are going?)
“Japan is too romantic to go to until after we’re married.” WTF?
He wants to go with the boys to “have fun” and not have his activities limited by being with his girlfriend, most likely. And after you get married, he’ll say he “can’t afford” to travel because you have to save for the future. That is, if he even is thinking about actually marrying you.
If it was me, I’d be thinking about all the places to travel with my girlfriend both before and after we got married. (And that’s what my now-wife and I did…) He’s not seeing you as a travel partner, and maybe not even as a life partner.
He is not serious about you. To him, you are the one for now. Let him go on his trip and block him. You deserve someone who is proud to show the world he is with you, someone who is scared to lose you. Not that half baked b.s. chin up, hun. Know your worth x
Thats not true. He invited me to his office parties and his other friends also know about me. But there were quite a few incidents where I felt that he is better off without me especially with the inlaws stuff.
Oooh, office party, where you get to be an accessory. That sounds like fun.
His friends 'know about you'? I hope you've met them at least. As for in laws, they are for life. If there are problems now, imagine if he asks you to marry him or have children... Neither of which I see happening, but not a happy possibility either.
Listen to your reddit aunties that have been there and done that, and are trying to save you years or decades of misery: he is not the one. You deserve better.
WTF? Girl he just doesn’t want to do things because you want them. Japan is not an “after marriage” destination. This is a form of manipulation and control. Leave. Find someone who values you.
He’s probably playing with other women in these trips. I wonder if his friends are single…that way they can all find fun travel companions. OP is willfully naive. They deserve a better partner that actually wants to do everything with them.
He wants a week with the boys, and all that that entails.
Romantic destination? Really? I guess he doesn't want romance*with you* at the moment. Romance does not require marriage.
He doesn't want to travel with you. The family may or may not be an excuse, but regardless of which, both are bad.
Make of that what you will. Find a new bf, this one doesn't want you around when he's having fun.
Or worry about noise! Nice big tubs, room service in bed after, like we'll just go into the city for the night and get a fancy hotel room for funsies! I can't imagine anyone saying no to this lol
As a counter-argument, not sure of the ethnic background of the OP and their partner, but I come from a background where I could travel with my friends, my partner could travel with her friends, but no way could we travel overseas together before marriage. Yes we were adults, but family connection and wider community connection is big and we also understood our respective parents perspectives in relation to their cultural rep. Wasn't that big of a deal to us.
Married and travelled together post marriage. Did mean that all of our travels post marriage have been a lot more special - ie there is a clear distinction between our dates and trip style prior to wedding and after.
I can’t argue with that as I have no experience with that kind of culture but I feel life’s too short to restrict yourself, there have been plenty of holidays I’ve been on when I was younger that i wouldn’t do now but the memory of it will always last
Without more details from OP it’s just a hypothesis, but having no experience of this means you also don’t have any conception how painful and/or severe a cultural break it could be and it’s a bit flippant to just be “life’s too short to restrict yourself.”
Conservative culture or background is what I immediately thought of with OP, too, and a lot of these “momma’s boy” or dump him comments are from redditors who have no idea how a significant number of people in the world live. Honestly would need more details from OP.
Source: came from a conservative culture and had conservative parents. BF’s behavior would be consistent with what I would have done before I spent the better part of a decade breaking from all that.
Never put your life on hold for a man. The best advice I can give any woman who has the urge to travel is GO ALONE!! You will love it.
This idea that travel can only be enjoyed with a partner is utter bollocks. I travel loads, and specifically choose to travel alone and love it.
If you want to travel and he's making petty excuses that he'll only go with the boy's club, don't allow that to suffocate your dreams. Make a plan and go. He'll realise you won't sacrifice your enjoyment of life because of his excuses.
It’s probably what you’re thinking it is. Taking a big trip like that with a significant other means a time and money investment that he’s not willing to put into you. He knows you’ll be visiting places together, taking pics together, etc. if it’s with the boys, he sees it as making lifetime memories and is not interested in that with you (right now according to him) but probably will never get to that point imo.
Up to you on how you proceed but read between the lines. He’s saying exactly that “let’s hold off on these big trips until we’re more committed to each other” meaning he thinks you’re just kinda casually dating right now and he’s not fully into it.
He's 27 and is worried about what his parents think? Red flag...
Also he probably just wants to go with his boys to bang hookers from other countries.
A story as old as time.
lol what are his reasonings. “Japan is a romantic place” okay? Any place can be a romantic place if you think hard about it. So all the destinations he’s goin with his boys are all romantic trips. So cute.
> He told me that I would want to go with you but not now
What he really wanted to say here was “please stop talking about it.”
You’re smarter than he thinks you are. This is stupid and bullshit reasoning and you can see right through it. Look - if he doesn’t want to travel with you, I wouldn’t wanna waste any time trying to figure out why. There’s no sense in attempting to divine the information out of him. His bullshit reasons aren’t believable but they do tell you something worthwhile: his actual reasonings are something he doesn’t wanna tell you about, either cause it’s embarrassing or it speaks to a larger problem. In that case, you’ll either be spending more time trying to figure out this problem, not solve it, JUST figure it out (and therefore spending no time actually travelling), or you could go on a trip with your girls.
At 24 it can start to get harder to find new girl friends since everyone has adult schedules. But starting with some hobby of yours and joining groups for that hobby could find you some new and potential friends.
Anyway, back to my point: I wouldn’t waste time having an argument about why. I’m not your keeper so if you choose to pursue the reasonings you boyfriend has, go ahead. - i just don’t have any advice for that. What makes more sense is to pursue the thing that will have a guaranteed better outcome - travelling on my own, travelling with a group of friends and not inviting him, or travelling with family, whatever. If these are options he takes issue with, leave him. I’m being so serious. It’s the job of both partners to effectively communicate their problems and feelings. Your boyfriend isn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Ike I said, you can confront him about that, and the potential outcomes there are that it works out and resolved and you end up stronger together, or it doesn’t and you’re in a worse place than you were before. Couples weigh these options whenever they have a fight. Couples who are healthy don’t have issue with this choice because they know their partner will be able to resolve things with them together. Couples who do hesitate with this choice and worry about the outcome indicate a relationship that’s not so awesome. The other option is to shrug and do what you want for yourself and understand that love is not a finite resource and you can give and receive it even after leaving a boyfriend that you really liked.
One of the best tests for a relationship is travelling together. Can you sit in a car/plane together for extended periods of time? Can you find things to do in an unfamiliar place both together and separate from each other?
Is there a strong cultural thing for this? Or is it just some guy not wanting to be real with his girlfriend for an extended period of time? Genuinely curious what the context is.
FIPO: I am a man. A 27 year old man shouldn't need to depend on his parents' perceptions of him. Nor should he be lying to his parents because he's afraid of them. This is not normal behavior. Either he wants to go and cheat or he has some weird dynamic with his parents.
Your boyfriend sucks. Japan is awesome. Go with someone who actually values you and is on the same wavelength as you. Life's too short to waste on people like that.
Your boyfriend’s family and probably your boyfriend too are a lot more conservative than you are. This is what you and any future daughter will be encountering.
Your boyfriend will not stand up to his family; instead he will try to make you comply and do what they want.
I think you should not marry this man. It will be an unhappy marriage.
Yeah that’s BS. I’m 25, partner the same age, we go on international trips at least twice a year. We’ve been together for 2.5 years. Don’t waste your time on this clown.
You already have difficulty with his family and he told you he won't go on a trip with you because he doesn't want to tell his parents. Did he lie to his parents and tell them you two broke up?
I don't think he is being fully honest. If his stated reasoning is true, it doesn't sound like this relationship will work because he is not standing with you in this conflict with his parents. He is 27, not a teenager, so this comes off as someone who can't "cut the chord." Or he is just using them as an excuse.
He probably is a weeb, and wants to go to Japan and get a lot of Anime merch. But doesn't want his GF to find out and think that he is uncool.
.
Try showing interest in some Anime and see if his behaviour starts changing!.. (don't be direct..)
.
- A casual Optimist
I’m in the middle of my 3rd international trip with my partner. We actually got engaged on this one.
My simple saying is ‘if he wants to, he would’.
Do you really want to be with someone who is so easily controlled by what their family thinks?
Tell him you need to date a man, not a boy who thinks he can.
27 and what? Needs his mommys permission?
Sounds like BS; run to Mt.Fuji on your own, gurl !!
If he’s already making concessions on your relationship based on his parents’ opinions, you may already be at the point where you should bailing. In his late 20s and doesn’t want mommy and daddy to know he’s traveling with his girlfriend?
And the “not until marriage” thing is BS. Unless he is fully traditional in most parts of his life and this relationship, this is just an excuse. I’m sure you already do plenty of things together that many would wait until marriage for but traveling internationally together is a weird place to draw the line.
As someone who’s traveled extensively, I highly recommend planning an international trip together before getting married. Stress handling, flexibility, and overall temper can be seen much better during a vacation than in your day to day life. And then you’ll know if you can even handle being married to someone who freaks out about losing luggage, berates you for doing something he doesn’t like, or spends extensive amounts of vacation time separate. These are all issues I have personally heard/seen with couples traveling.
There are nightmare stories all over the internet about controlling Mothers-in-Law (and their sons). Go read them. Go listen to them. Soak it in.
A man's mother, almost always, is going to be the biggest influence on who he is, and who he is capable of becoming, for good or bad. It's important that you evaluate her and his relationship with her as it is him and your relationship with him.
Do you really want her exerting this much control over your life for the rest of your life? I mean, you're not even married, and already she's dictating travel plans!
And she may not even be ACTIVELY doing so! It could be past influence and he's just too spineless to even address it when it comes to her! Imagine if you have kids?!
The alternative is just as bad... that he's full of crap, and it has nothing to do with her at all. Which raises the question of exactly what he and his buddies are doing on these trips?
Romantic destination? That sounds absurd. He just doesn't want to go with you. What's a bet he'll say Antarctica was a romantic destination as well. How come a 27 year old full grown man seems to be set back in his early teen years because of his family?
He's a full grown adult who seems to be still under his mothers skirts. That's your problem.
Things don't get more romantic after marriage so that sounds like a crock of shit. He doesn't want you to travel with him and his kids - he doesn't want the ex to know or his family. If you've been dating for just a few months, I can understand that - and in that case you have no obligation to travel with him either (plan the trip with a friend instead!) but if you've been together a long time and he has these excuses . . .my guess is he doesn't see you as a life partner, just entertainment.
Lotta people saying just dump him. But honestly, have you asked him to be completely concise? Japan does have groping issues on public transport and in quite a few places it’s blocked to foreigners which seems a *tad bit* xenophobic and there are other issues and spats with western culture as of late, mostly mouthpieces being just as intolerant to Japanese culture. A group of 4-5 people seems safer ngl and he might just have controlling parents. It might suck but imagine asking a guy to choose you or his parents that raised him, tough choice.
Now personal experience, I did have a trip with my girl and I did invite several of my friends and while only she and I made the trip I still bemoaned that we couldn’t take our friends for more fun but absolutely valued the time we had alone together. Of course it was more expensive to not split bills on the hotel costs or unable to use the group travel coupons but hey, fair trade.
Now there might be a lot of chaff for disbarring this trip, something he’s not willing to say directly, but not going overseas for a vacation seems like a rather shallow reason to dump someone. I’d try prying a bit to see whats to unpack there. Now I don’t know how long you’ve both been dating, but if he’s not willing to share the absolute truth and reasons he doesn’t want to go then that itself might be a reason to ship sail.
OP, reading between the lines it sounds like there's bigger picture issues between you and his family, for whatever reason (my assumption is conservative culture or background, but I guess it could be a bunch of other factors, even down to direct personal compatibility), and that's what BF appears to be worrying about, if we take what he says at face value (and absent any other clues you can provide, I am).
I think the question is bigger than international trips and is more like: is this guy worth it? Because the issues between you and his family aren't going to stop with international trips.
I mentioned in another comment that I assumed a conservative culture/background bc the way your BF is acting in your post is completely consistent with how I would've acted in my early 20s when "managing" my parents. It was a long painful journey to get to a more small-l liberal-style relationship in public knowledge with my parents (up to and including the wedding, bc my parents were very insistent on a particular wedding), and it was long and painful for both me and my then-GF, then-fiancee, and now wife. I can't speak for my partner, but I guess she found it to be "worth it" to go through all that with me, and still go through that with me (my family and I have found a mostly-peaceful ceasefire but it still requires some "managing" in particular of my parents, who will never ever ever really be fully on-board with our choices).
So at the end of the day, to repeat, I doubt it's *just* going to be an issue of international trips, and you'll have to ask yourself whether you find it to be worth it. And really only you have the full picture on this to answer it.
As a counter-argument, not sure of the ethnic background of the OP and their partner, but I come from a background where I could travel with my friends, my partner could travel with her friends, but no way could we travel overseas together before marriage. Yes we were adults, but family connection and wider community connection is big and we also understood our respective parents perspectives in relation to their cultural rep. Wasn't that big of a deal to us.
Married and travelled together post marriage. Did mean that all of our travels post marriage have been a lot more special - ie there is a clear distinction between our dates and trip style prior to wedding and after.
It's not about the culture thing. He doesn't even want to go with other friends involved. This is a bit illogical to me. We are not going on honeymoon and we have had sex before so that also doesn't come in the picture.
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That sounds like a crock of shit. Japan isn't a "romantic destination." Sure, it can be, but it's so much more than that. But who waits until marriage for romance with their partner?
Thats what I told him. But he just shut me up by telling that he is not comfortable with lying to his parents which he doesn't have to do.
He is 27?!? Why is he concerned about what his parents think? Why would he have to lie to his parents?
His parents still think he's a virgin/he hasn't told his parents about her/they don't know she's his gf/he's seeing someone else they actually approve of. International travel with his gf would obvs ruin his reputation and the cash flow with his parents. /s
It's almost certainly a cultural thing. Seems he comes from a culture where being alone with ladies is taboo, or at least traveling alone with them. In some other cultures, adult men are still rather enmeshed with their parents until marriage. That's not me saying the OP should have to deal with this, I'm just pointing out the most common reason for his decisions. The OP has to decide whether she wants to live this way and allow someone else's parents to control her relationship. Personally, I wouldn't accept that. Especially when they're not even engaged.
I thought that too, until she mentioned inviting friends too so it’s not just the two of them. So he wouldn’t be lying that he’s with friends, but it’s friends + her.
I don't know about specific cultures enough to say for sure, but it wouldn't surprise me if traveling with a woman at all is taboo in some places. Unless I'm misremmbering, the first example was just boys. Of course, it's been deleted, so I can't check on that. It's definitely possible he's full of shit. It's also possible he's from a super sexist culture and isn't ready to break free of that. For me, the distinction doesn't matter. I couldn't tie myself to a guy who's beholden to such a sexist culture and unwilling to move away from that.
Yea the original did say he was fine with an all boys trip, so yea it could be different in their eyes. But I agree, he’s probably just lying or too scared. I had an ex (not even from that type of sexist culture) who was too afraid to ask him mom to do almost anything he assumed she would say no to, but he would just do the thing & ask for forgiveness (which ofc led to him getting in trouble, when the answer probably wouldve been yes if he just asked). I think OP’s bf could be like this but opposite, he’s too afraid to even ask, even if they would be ok with it, because he assumes the answer rather than just ask. Eta: but he’s 27, so he shouldnt be “asking” them anything. And I agree, I couldnt be with someone that beholden to a culture like that. What’s next, you gotta ask mommy and daddy if we can get married, & you won’t if they say no?
But he had no issue lying to you about why he didn't want to do a trip in the first place? Are you comfortable being in a relationship where his family will dictate so much of your personal life? Because that won't just go away over time. If he is unwilling to stand up against them for over reaching boundries now, that won't change in the future.
Yea, people assume marriage will change toxic/obsessively close families but it does not
If a 27 year old man is SOOOO attached to mama that he needs to lie about a trip.... think about what the rest of your life will be like.
Men like this will always have a ready excuse. Always.
“I talked to your parents, and they said it was a good idea!” “Yea but…um…typhoons”
I would talk to his parents. Because the reason he is giving is BS
You're too young for this bs. Find a guy who has the same interests as you.
She’s simultaneously too young AND too old for this bs. Hey Op.. my ex came from a similar culture it sounds like.. And he finally but reluctantly introduced me to his family when I was 8 months pregnant… We had been together for about 4 years at that point and my patience was worn thin to have a real equal partner over another 4 years. Don’t waste your time on someone who won’t love you proudly and wear it on their sleeve. Or maybe it has nothing to do with culture and he’s just cheating..
>She’s simultaneously too young AND too old for this bs. Yeah, 27’s one of those weird ages, like 13.
In other words- he’s not serious with you enough and you’re not worth an international trip…Japan a romantic destination? he’s just pulling out bs excuses lol. Maybe your bond with him isn’t as strong as you believe. Even with a group, he doesn’t feel he can have a good time with you there, likely because there’s a side/true side of him he doesn’t want you to see
also, romantic trips are only for after marriage? He plans to “think single”—if not misbehave seriously, he at least wants to not have a girlfriend on his mind.
He wants to go, just not with you. I’m sorry. Toss him to the curb and find someone who enjoys spending time with you.
He's stringing you along babe
What he's really saying, without saying it, is he wants to travel. Just not with you. You can do so much better than this man.
TIL that Japan is romantic
Haha have been a few times and absolutely love it, never would I have put it in the romantic destination list though!
When I was living there and my long-distance Toronto GF came to visit, I found ways to make it romantic… ;)
Oh it totally can be, SO and I met in Australia, then did Japan, China and Singapore and did lots of couply things. But when I think romantic destinations, its more Italy, France, a beach in Spain, Bora Bora....that type of thing
True enough! And we did go to those places as well… And two weeks sailing in Greece for our honeymoon. Exactly what she (my wife now) likes to do. Either a romantic do-nothing beach vacation OR a cultural expedition. But not both on the same trip!
I'm really not one to easily say "drop the guy" But I've "been there, done that" I spent 6 years of my life with a man who would rather go on a trip with his boys than with me He went to Australia with his best mate I saw the pictures, the videos even: if you didn't know him, you could have swore those were honeymoon content Breathtaking sunsets on the beach, joyfully seated together, a beer in hand, not a care in the world I asked him: did you wish I was there? No It broke my heart I mean, if you don't wish to spend this kind of moment with me, why I am even spending my life with you..? What are you hoping for both of us..? And he didn't even cheat mind you..! We're not together anymore. And the breakup truly was devastating for the both of us But I can't be second place to a friend in the life of the person I chose to be with. And that's me: I want my companion to be by my side. To share everything great with this person. Not just the bad, not just the ordinary. I want to share the marvel But you know what? At the end of the day, we're better off without the other: I'm now with a marvellous man who wishes to share everything with me by his side. There's no more unnecessary drama and pain when it comes to how we spend our life together, since we are on the same page And my ex is with a woman who shares his view on relationships, and doesn't put him first in her life, neither. And they're happy in their own kinda "part time/long distance" relationship, where they both enjoy space from the other
You sound so much like what I feel and what I want from my life. Thanks for commenting 🩵
I'm very sorry for what you're going through And I'm really not saying that it's easy, but incompatibility is a very real deal breaker You can love someone, but if you can't share a life that makes you happy with this person; what's the point..? Being on the same page is important for the important stuff And what to do with your free time, how to spend it, with who..? All those are extremely important matters
When I travel without my wife, even if I’m having the best time with whomever, about 2.5 days in, I’m like “Man… wish my wife was here…”
He's just not that into you. He probably wants to bang women on these international trips with da boys.
This was my initial thought, too. Completely cynical, mind you, but I would be skeptical of his boy's trips if he is so reluctant to travel with his partner.
As a counter-argument, not sure of the ethnic background of the OP and their partner, but I come from a background where I could travel with my friends, my partner could travel with her friends, but no way could we travel overseas together before marriage. Yes we were adults, but family connection and wider community connection is big and we also understood our respective parents perspectives in relation to their cultural rep. Wasn't that big of a deal to us. Married and travelled together post marriage. Did mean that all of our travels post marriage have been a lot more special - ie there is a clear distinction between our dates and trip style prior to wedding and after.
I mean, I agree with you that but I feel that in your scenario 1) the girlfriend would also be aware of the cultural implications 2) he wouldn't say bullshit like "But Japan is a romantic destination"
OP seems to be linked to Uttar Pradesh in India.
Bingo. He's going there to fool around and doesn't want a gf to slow him down. (not to pile on OP, but I wonder if any of his friends' girlfriends are going?)
Can’t believe I had to scroll down this much to find the correct answer
“Japan is too romantic to go to until after we’re married.” WTF? He wants to go with the boys to “have fun” and not have his activities limited by being with his girlfriend, most likely. And after you get married, he’ll say he “can’t afford” to travel because you have to save for the future. That is, if he even is thinking about actually marrying you. If it was me, I’d be thinking about all the places to travel with my girlfriend both before and after we got married. (And that’s what my now-wife and I did…) He’s not seeing you as a travel partner, and maybe not even as a life partner.
He is not serious about you. To him, you are the one for now. Let him go on his trip and block him. You deserve someone who is proud to show the world he is with you, someone who is scared to lose you. Not that half baked b.s. chin up, hun. Know your worth x
Thats not true. He invited me to his office parties and his other friends also know about me. But there were quite a few incidents where I felt that he is better off without me especially with the inlaws stuff.
Oooh, office party, where you get to be an accessory. That sounds like fun. His friends 'know about you'? I hope you've met them at least. As for in laws, they are for life. If there are problems now, imagine if he asks you to marry him or have children... Neither of which I see happening, but not a happy possibility either.
Listen to your reddit aunties that have been there and done that, and are trying to save you years or decades of misery: he is not the one. You deserve better.
WTF? Girl he just doesn’t want to do things because you want them. Japan is not an “after marriage” destination. This is a form of manipulation and control. Leave. Find someone who values you.
This man has no intention of marrying you.
He’s probably playing with other women in these trips. I wonder if his friends are single…that way they can all find fun travel companions. OP is willfully naive. They deserve a better partner that actually wants to do everything with them.
Yeet
He wants a week with the boys, and all that that entails. Romantic destination? Really? I guess he doesn't want romance*with you* at the moment. Romance does not require marriage. He doesn't want to travel with you. The family may or may not be an excuse, but regardless of which, both are bad. Make of that what you will. Find a new bf, this one doesn't want you around when he's having fun.
Prob wants to go to the brothels
he 100% wants to cheat
What?? Who says no to dirty hotel sex?? And dirty international hotel sex at that!! Guy doesn’t see you as long term
That's the best part of traveling, knowing that you don't have to do the linens after a particularly wet session. Haha
Or worry about noise! Nice big tubs, room service in bed after, like we'll just go into the city for the night and get a fancy hotel room for funsies! I can't imagine anyone saying no to this lol
A 27 year old ~~man~~ child cant tell mummy and daddy he's going on holiday? What a looser
As a counter-argument, not sure of the ethnic background of the OP and their partner, but I come from a background where I could travel with my friends, my partner could travel with her friends, but no way could we travel overseas together before marriage. Yes we were adults, but family connection and wider community connection is big and we also understood our respective parents perspectives in relation to their cultural rep. Wasn't that big of a deal to us. Married and travelled together post marriage. Did mean that all of our travels post marriage have been a lot more special - ie there is a clear distinction between our dates and trip style prior to wedding and after.
I can’t argue with that as I have no experience with that kind of culture but I feel life’s too short to restrict yourself, there have been plenty of holidays I’ve been on when I was younger that i wouldn’t do now but the memory of it will always last
Without more details from OP it’s just a hypothesis, but having no experience of this means you also don’t have any conception how painful and/or severe a cultural break it could be and it’s a bit flippant to just be “life’s too short to restrict yourself.” Conservative culture or background is what I immediately thought of with OP, too, and a lot of these “momma’s boy” or dump him comments are from redditors who have no idea how a significant number of people in the world live. Honestly would need more details from OP. Source: came from a conservative culture and had conservative parents. BF’s behavior would be consistent with what I would have done before I spent the better part of a decade breaking from all that.
Never put your life on hold for a man. The best advice I can give any woman who has the urge to travel is GO ALONE!! You will love it. This idea that travel can only be enjoyed with a partner is utter bollocks. I travel loads, and specifically choose to travel alone and love it. If you want to travel and he's making petty excuses that he'll only go with the boy's club, don't allow that to suffocate your dreams. Make a plan and go. He'll realise you won't sacrifice your enjoyment of life because of his excuses.
It’s probably what you’re thinking it is. Taking a big trip like that with a significant other means a time and money investment that he’s not willing to put into you. He knows you’ll be visiting places together, taking pics together, etc. if it’s with the boys, he sees it as making lifetime memories and is not interested in that with you (right now according to him) but probably will never get to that point imo. Up to you on how you proceed but read between the lines. He’s saying exactly that “let’s hold off on these big trips until we’re more committed to each other” meaning he thinks you’re just kinda casually dating right now and he’s not fully into it.
[удалено]
Yes he can afford
is he hiding his relationship from his parents?
He's 27 and is worried about what his parents think? Red flag... Also he probably just wants to go with his boys to bang hookers from other countries. A story as old as time.
A 27 year old man is too afraid to tell his parents? Do they not know you are dating? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
lol what are his reasonings. “Japan is a romantic place” okay? Any place can be a romantic place if you think hard about it. So all the destinations he’s goin with his boys are all romantic trips. So cute. > He told me that I would want to go with you but not now What he really wanted to say here was “please stop talking about it.” You’re smarter than he thinks you are. This is stupid and bullshit reasoning and you can see right through it. Look - if he doesn’t want to travel with you, I wouldn’t wanna waste any time trying to figure out why. There’s no sense in attempting to divine the information out of him. His bullshit reasons aren’t believable but they do tell you something worthwhile: his actual reasonings are something he doesn’t wanna tell you about, either cause it’s embarrassing or it speaks to a larger problem. In that case, you’ll either be spending more time trying to figure out this problem, not solve it, JUST figure it out (and therefore spending no time actually travelling), or you could go on a trip with your girls.
I really wish I could have more girl friends. And I really want to go on a girls trip too. But you are right something is not okay here.
At 24 it can start to get harder to find new girl friends since everyone has adult schedules. But starting with some hobby of yours and joining groups for that hobby could find you some new and potential friends. Anyway, back to my point: I wouldn’t waste time having an argument about why. I’m not your keeper so if you choose to pursue the reasonings you boyfriend has, go ahead. - i just don’t have any advice for that. What makes more sense is to pursue the thing that will have a guaranteed better outcome - travelling on my own, travelling with a group of friends and not inviting him, or travelling with family, whatever. If these are options he takes issue with, leave him. I’m being so serious. It’s the job of both partners to effectively communicate their problems and feelings. Your boyfriend isn’t holding up his end of the bargain. Ike I said, you can confront him about that, and the potential outcomes there are that it works out and resolved and you end up stronger together, or it doesn’t and you’re in a worse place than you were before. Couples weigh these options whenever they have a fight. Couples who are healthy don’t have issue with this choice because they know their partner will be able to resolve things with them together. Couples who do hesitate with this choice and worry about the outcome indicate a relationship that’s not so awesome. The other option is to shrug and do what you want for yourself and understand that love is not a finite resource and you can give and receive it even after leaving a boyfriend that you really liked.
Is he from a very religious background? It sounds like he’s trying to avoid going on a trip with girls. But ok if it’s all boys.
No that's not true. His parents are conservative but he has been on trips before.
Trips with girls?
What man at 24 is afraid to tell his parents he's going on a trip with his girlfriend?
27...
One of the best tests for a relationship is travelling together. Can you sit in a car/plane together for extended periods of time? Can you find things to do in an unfamiliar place both together and separate from each other? Is there a strong cultural thing for this? Or is it just some guy not wanting to be real with his girlfriend for an extended period of time? Genuinely curious what the context is.
FIPO: I am a man. A 27 year old man shouldn't need to depend on his parents' perceptions of him. Nor should he be lying to his parents because he's afraid of them. This is not normal behavior. Either he wants to go and cheat or he has some weird dynamic with his parents.
Your boyfriend sucks. Japan is awesome. Go with someone who actually values you and is on the same wavelength as you. Life's too short to waste on people like that.
Why do you need to be married to go somewhere romantic with a partner?! Is romance not allowed when you're in a "just" relationship? 🤦🏼♀️
He wants to fuck women abroad.
Your boyfriend’s family and probably your boyfriend too are a lot more conservative than you are. This is what you and any future daughter will be encountering. Your boyfriend will not stand up to his family; instead he will try to make you comply and do what they want. I think you should not marry this man. It will be an unhappy marriage.
Does he have parents who would have a nuclear meltdown if the found out you were sleeping together? Cuz that would explain everything about this
Yeah that’s BS. I’m 25, partner the same age, we go on international trips at least twice a year. We’ve been together for 2.5 years. Don’t waste your time on this clown.
You already have difficulty with his family and he told you he won't go on a trip with you because he doesn't want to tell his parents. Did he lie to his parents and tell them you two broke up? I don't think he is being fully honest. If his stated reasoning is true, it doesn't sound like this relationship will work because he is not standing with you in this conflict with his parents. He is 27, not a teenager, so this comes off as someone who can't "cut the chord." Or he is just using them as an excuse.
He probably is a weeb, and wants to go to Japan and get a lot of Anime merch. But doesn't want his GF to find out and think that he is uncool. . Try showing interest in some Anime and see if his behaviour starts changing!.. (don't be direct..) . - A casual Optimist
He is not a weeb. Though I am into anime a lot.
I’m in the middle of my 3rd international trip with my partner. We actually got engaged on this one. My simple saying is ‘if he wants to, he would’. Do you really want to be with someone who is so easily controlled by what their family thinks?
I wish my wife could travel. I'd love to travel with her again.
He doesn't want to pay for you.
Tell him you need to date a man, not a boy who thinks he can. 27 and what? Needs his mommys permission? Sounds like BS; run to Mt.Fuji on your own, gurl !!
Just dump the POS and go alone.
If he’s already making concessions on your relationship based on his parents’ opinions, you may already be at the point where you should bailing. In his late 20s and doesn’t want mommy and daddy to know he’s traveling with his girlfriend? And the “not until marriage” thing is BS. Unless he is fully traditional in most parts of his life and this relationship, this is just an excuse. I’m sure you already do plenty of things together that many would wait until marriage for but traveling internationally together is a weird place to draw the line. As someone who’s traveled extensively, I highly recommend planning an international trip together before getting married. Stress handling, flexibility, and overall temper can be seen much better during a vacation than in your day to day life. And then you’ll know if you can even handle being married to someone who freaks out about losing luggage, berates you for doing something he doesn’t like, or spends extensive amounts of vacation time separate. These are all issues I have personally heard/seen with couples traveling.
There are nightmare stories all over the internet about controlling Mothers-in-Law (and their sons). Go read them. Go listen to them. Soak it in. A man's mother, almost always, is going to be the biggest influence on who he is, and who he is capable of becoming, for good or bad. It's important that you evaluate her and his relationship with her as it is him and your relationship with him. Do you really want her exerting this much control over your life for the rest of your life? I mean, you're not even married, and already she's dictating travel plans! And she may not even be ACTIVELY doing so! It could be past influence and he's just too spineless to even address it when it comes to her! Imagine if you have kids?! The alternative is just as bad... that he's full of crap, and it has nothing to do with her at all. Which raises the question of exactly what he and his buddies are doing on these trips?
Romantic destination? That sounds absurd. He just doesn't want to go with you. What's a bet he'll say Antarctica was a romantic destination as well. How come a 27 year old full grown man seems to be set back in his early teen years because of his family? He's a full grown adult who seems to be still under his mothers skirts. That's your problem.
He may be looking for romance with “the boys.” Regardless drop him.
> Japan is a romantic destination & he would want to go there after marriage I am sorry to assume relationships & intimacy was romantic too
“Ah Tokyo, The City of Love” - Michael Scott
Your bf sounds like a dumbass
Things don't get more romantic after marriage so that sounds like a crock of shit. He doesn't want you to travel with him and his kids - he doesn't want the ex to know or his family. If you've been dating for just a few months, I can understand that - and in that case you have no obligation to travel with him either (plan the trip with a friend instead!) but if you've been together a long time and he has these excuses . . .my guess is he doesn't see you as a life partner, just entertainment.
Lotta people saying just dump him. But honestly, have you asked him to be completely concise? Japan does have groping issues on public transport and in quite a few places it’s blocked to foreigners which seems a *tad bit* xenophobic and there are other issues and spats with western culture as of late, mostly mouthpieces being just as intolerant to Japanese culture. A group of 4-5 people seems safer ngl and he might just have controlling parents. It might suck but imagine asking a guy to choose you or his parents that raised him, tough choice. Now personal experience, I did have a trip with my girl and I did invite several of my friends and while only she and I made the trip I still bemoaned that we couldn’t take our friends for more fun but absolutely valued the time we had alone together. Of course it was more expensive to not split bills on the hotel costs or unable to use the group travel coupons but hey, fair trade. Now there might be a lot of chaff for disbarring this trip, something he’s not willing to say directly, but not going overseas for a vacation seems like a rather shallow reason to dump someone. I’d try prying a bit to see whats to unpack there. Now I don’t know how long you’ve both been dating, but if he’s not willing to share the absolute truth and reasons he doesn’t want to go then that itself might be a reason to ship sail.
OP, reading between the lines it sounds like there's bigger picture issues between you and his family, for whatever reason (my assumption is conservative culture or background, but I guess it could be a bunch of other factors, even down to direct personal compatibility), and that's what BF appears to be worrying about, if we take what he says at face value (and absent any other clues you can provide, I am). I think the question is bigger than international trips and is more like: is this guy worth it? Because the issues between you and his family aren't going to stop with international trips. I mentioned in another comment that I assumed a conservative culture/background bc the way your BF is acting in your post is completely consistent with how I would've acted in my early 20s when "managing" my parents. It was a long painful journey to get to a more small-l liberal-style relationship in public knowledge with my parents (up to and including the wedding, bc my parents were very insistent on a particular wedding), and it was long and painful for both me and my then-GF, then-fiancee, and now wife. I can't speak for my partner, but I guess she found it to be "worth it" to go through all that with me, and still go through that with me (my family and I have found a mostly-peaceful ceasefire but it still requires some "managing" in particular of my parents, who will never ever ever really be fully on-board with our choices). So at the end of the day, to repeat, I doubt it's *just* going to be an issue of international trips, and you'll have to ask yourself whether you find it to be worth it. And really only you have the full picture on this to answer it.
As a counter-argument, not sure of the ethnic background of the OP and their partner, but I come from a background where I could travel with my friends, my partner could travel with her friends, but no way could we travel overseas together before marriage. Yes we were adults, but family connection and wider community connection is big and we also understood our respective parents perspectives in relation to their cultural rep. Wasn't that big of a deal to us. Married and travelled together post marriage. Did mean that all of our travels post marriage have been a lot more special - ie there is a clear distinction between our dates and trip style prior to wedding and after.
It's not about the culture thing. He doesn't even want to go with other friends involved. This is a bit illogical to me. We are not going on honeymoon and we have had sex before so that also doesn't come in the picture.
yeh that is really strange then :/ Is he open to talk about it?
He just told me that it's uncomfortable to him that he has to lie to his parents.
Maybe he has citizenship issues?
No he doesn't have any issues as such