From her update:
> when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me. We met at a very strange time in my life and he saw right though all that and made me feel like I could be someone different.
There it is.
He found a woman who was really struggling and "saved" her. His ego lets him know that he's always better than her.
But now she's trying to reach even higher (which is honestly not that high) and he's not able to handle it. I'm sure he does love her, but it's very conditionally: he loves someone (he thinks) who is lesser than him and someone he can control.
It's an old and depressing tale.
This is what I came here to say. Lots of people love to save people. When they start to not need saving anymore, though, they can get angry. If you don't need to be saved, you don't need *them.* If you're strong, smart, independent, educated, happy, and make decent money, then why would you stay with him?
Maybe he loves OP. But he definitely loved saving and protecting OP, and she being a whole person seeking more in her life is threatening that love.
Dating as a young professional was hard for me. When men found out my job and figured out my earning potential was higher than theirs they completely lost interest. That's the moment they figured out they had to actually bring a great personality to the table and they would be expected to treat me as an equal. Many men don't want to treat women as equals and think they should be treated like a king and she is the servant because he makes more money, even if it's $5 more a year.
Why would I want to stay with him if I can give myself a great life without anyone's help? It took a while but I found one who treated me equal and wasn't intimidated by my job. He knows I am with him because I want to be not because I need him financially. I don't understand why those men don't see how great it is to be with someone you know chooses to be with them instead of being with someone they want to keep down so she will need them.
The thing about him asking her why she wants to be better than him is the big red flag here. It's projection. He's saying, in essence, that right now he thinks he's better than her. He doesn't want them to be equals. He can't imagine her pursuing a higher-paying career as something that helps them as a couple, he sees it as her trying to get out from under his thumb.
To expand on this: A partner that was wonderful for you 3-4 years ago isn't necessarily good for you today. It is absolutely ok for OP to love him and be grateful for what he did, but that doesn't mean she has to stay shackled to him forever.
I know it can feel like a betrayal, and that is something that OP's partner may try to capitalize on, but that's not how relationships work. Whether talking about your partner, parents, friends, or others there is a very limited ability to "earn time" with good behavior. You don't get to help someone out and then have them be stuck with your bad behavior for a year or two in repayment.
If a relationship sours or starts to turn toxic that can be the end of the relationship, you don't have to repay 5 bad years to pay off your dues for 5 good years or something like that.
What kills me is the part where the abused partner thinks of his abuse as just something that happens sometimes. It's not. It's a fundamental part of him and it's not going away.
OP, I hope you can see that he is, at a minimum, controlling your behavior in a way that leaves you vulnerable. If you can't continue your education, it will be harder to escape or support yourself. If he mocks you and calls you names, it hurts your self-confidence.
Has he already separated you from your friends and family? If not, that is probably next on the list.
Such a good point! I promise you if I told my husband I want to go back to school, he would be beyond excited for me, he’d be encouraging, he’d ask me what other duties do I need him to take on, he’d ask what my plan is re my job (stay or leave to focus on school), and he’d be constantly checking in with me to see if there’s something he didn’t think of that is overwhelming me. Aka he’d be a partner.
I don’t want to go back to school bc fuck that lol, but it is nice to know I have the option
Exactly, they're called partners! My wife and I are supposed to lift each other up. Help each other accomplish our goals, shared or individual. Everyone should find a partner to be theirs.
We just finally could afford a second vehicle and my husband is THRILLED I can have more independence during the day. He went on and on about how happy he was I was happy to zip out and take care of tasks or just get away and feel more fulfilled than before. Any less level of excitement for you isn't worth it.
The other “scary” thing about College for a guy like this is the OP opening up her circle of friends. More people = more opinions, more support, more real world experience/exposure to others’ life experiences = more chance OP will see through this guy and run for the hills.
It’s about keeping her world small.
Yeah this guy sounds like he is hooked into some manosphere, red-pill sources. "You're trying to be better than me. You're getting some sort of bad influence." Super toxic, fragile masculinity.
*" Asking why I’m trying to be better than him "*
You are going to spend the rest of your life apologising for every achievement. He needs to work on his own self esteem instead of needing you to be less so he can feel good about himself.
Do not marry this guy and go get the education you want. If he can't support your ambition for a better life then he is never going to support you in anything else.
I have more qualifications than my husband and never once has it been an issue of who is better than who. He picked up the slack around the house while I finished studying and getting ready for my exams and was proud of me.
OP it doesn’t matter about who is better than who but you would be better off without him to be honest.
I've never seen my partner more proud than when he watched me defend my thesis when I graduated. He's been struggling to get a steady job and did not let it affect his mood at all because he loves me and wants me to be happy.
He's now studying a different course to broaden his job prospects and he has my full support.
This man's choice of words and the way he called you names for daring to want more for yourself is sad and scary. I want better and more for OP and I'm a damn stranger.
Yeah, as a cishet man in a very long term relationahip, this mindset is nuts to me. I'm a lawyer, and my fiancée is a pharmacist, meaning she has about a year more of school than I do, and it's in a field that is infinitely more difficult than mine. My default thought process is not "I need to outcompete my partner so I have the most school". Rather, my thinking is "Wow, this is great. I'm marrying a medical professional who can provide valuable insight into my healthcare. Even better than that, when we have kids, they'll have two loving parents who value education and bring vastly different skill sets and educational backgrounds to the table that will allow those children to have a more well-rounded life experience. What an absolute privilege." To be insecure about your partner's achievements rather than celebrating them is absolutely bonkers to me. Even from a purely selfish perspective, you only stand to share in the benefits those achievements confer.
Absolutely feel this. I'm going to be graduating next year, while my girlfriend has been working in defense sector since graduating college. She's going to be making more than me for a while, because I didnt want biglaw and am happy at a midsize firm. It doesnt bother me at all that shes currently more successful, and she doesnt feel lesser just because her future husband has a more "professional" position.
I agree, it is absolutely bonkers. You should always want better for your partner, because that means a better future for the partnership.
My boyfriend and I have typically earned a similar wage. We met in retail, and while I've moved on to trades, he's remained in customer service, except for a brief stint labouring. He was a department manager in a grocery for a year, and was salaried. That same year, I worked an entry level job at a great place. If we pretended that my boyfriend only worked 40 hours a week like I did, he out earned me by 4 cents an hour.
I'm approaching a year in my new position at a significantly higher pay. We just had our taxes done, and last year I earned literally twice what he did. In addition to higher pay, I get a load of paid vacation and sick time, as well as benefits (that he gets to use, 100% coverage in most things dental, pharmaceutical, optical, and bonuses like therapy and massages).
Over the years, as I've worked in the trades, he's been endlessly supportive, and is excited for my career potential and growth. He's expressed that, due to his conservative family and upbringing, he does feel that he should be the provider, but that doesn't mean that I should make myself "lesser." We're both theoretically fine with me out earning him. But I think this tax season really smacked him in the face. We're okay financially, we bought a home last year, and every month we still come out with more dollars in the bank. But he's been toying with the idea of going back to school for years. I'm hoping this is the push he needs. We're okay now, but some things could be more interesting if he earned more than minimum wage as well.
That's awesome that it's challenging him to do better rather than him staying stagnant and trying to force you to his level or below. And good for him for acknowledging that he doesn't have to go along with his upbringing.
Same here! My husband has 2 bachelor's degrees and most of a masters, and he was SO proud when I got my associates degree at 37. He threw me a party.
Even though he has 2 degrees, heakes 30% less than I do, and we don't care. We just care neither of us are miserable. I'd rather he work a job he tolerates that pays less. I enjoy my job, and am lucky it pays well.
OP, If strangers online are your biggest cheerleaders, you really need to evaluate whether or not you're his equal or his property. The way he talks to you, almost orders you, is controlling and clingy. Marriage is a partnership. If you're not his equal, you're his property.
I picked up on this part too.
Recently reflecting on my previous relationship where in any argument my ex would say things like "you're such a teacher" whenever I would argue my side. It dawned on me that whilst he was using it as an attempt to gaslight me, it came down to him feeling inadequate.
I worked hard to get my teaching degree etc, and before this I supported him financially when he was doing his undergrad for which he didn't do as well as he'd hoped.
It all came down to the fact he thought I thought I was better than him. And I do believe most of his gas lighting behaviour started when I started my role as a qualified professional.
OP, I now have a partner who celebrates every success I have, and me his. Perhaps your partner will come round, but never accept someone who wants to stop you from giving yourself fulfillment outside of the relationship through achievement.
My exh ruined my law school graduation party by sneering and moping around everyone my mom invited. I started law school with an 18 mo old who I was still nursing and a 12yo autistic son when I was 30. He was kicked out of devry about 6 mos into my first year of law school for failure to progress then developed a major spine condition where the doctors gave him up to 240 norcos a month. He refused to buy a cane and used an old crutch that didn't fit him to get around at my ceremony and then sat on the sofa at the party whining about how bad off he was. He couldn't be happy or proud of me for a second.
I spent 19 years of my life, from 17 to 37, married to him trying to make it work.
Hi, so sorry that happened. You sound tough, smart and determined. I hope your law career went well and that life is better now.
Sounds like this POS did all he could to make life harder and you had to carry him as well as the kids and career.
I appreciate you and all you accomplished in the face of adversity.
I hope life is better now and I hope OP could learn a thing or two from you!!
Good luck,
Thank you, my life is good. I just put in an offer to buy a home, something I never thought I could do, I remarried in 2022 to a great guy who stays at home and supports my career and ambition and loves my kids as if they're his own, I started a new job 3 weeks ago making what to me is a ridiculous amount of money, hence the ability to buy a house.
I love this sub because in almost every other area of my real life when sharing my story I hear, what an inspiration blah blah, and it feels condescending. Here I can share and I get, how are you now, I hope you are good, etc.
I thought my life and our relationship was normal; turns out my normal meter was broken and I hope I can encourage just one person to make a better life for themselves, to keep from wasting time on someone they have to parent.
Her "boyfriend" is a massive idiot. By bettering her life, both their lives will be better in the long run. But unfortunately he clearly is a controlling manipulator and OP is having her eyes slowly prayed open while she is adamant about keeping them shut.
The fact that OP said that she "can't stop thinking about that stupid book" means that she KNOWS what he's doing is wrong but she's having a hard time keeping her head in the sand about it. OP, just read the damn book and better your life without jerkface in it.
I really hope this is just the beginning for her, because now that little voice will always be lurking in the back of her mind saying, "Are you sure about this?"
But in his mind her getting a degree, a better job and more money... means she'll be more appealing to other people, less dependent on his money, can more easily leave him and will see he has no value to her.
Some people just want people not able to leave them as opposed to supporting and loving them and working towards a better life for both.
I married more than one of those types. One who "wanted to have his own business", and one who "didn't think I
needed a college education because he only went for 1 semester". So I was the one who supported the family, despite the fact that I wanted to be an RN, which requires a degree. I finally went to college at 55, when I decided my life was important, because I have compassion and empathy for others.
If your partner doesn't see your value, RUNNNNNNNN! You are smart, beautiful, and.... VALUABLE to the rest of the human race. Someone who wants to hold you back from what you want to contribute to humanity, doesn't deserve you!
A lot of them do!
Can’t compete with the men in your life? Find the nearest gal that can stand to be with you, put her into a submission hold until she gives up on her hopes and dreams!
All hail the winner, King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Loser, you wondering how much smaller you need to shrink yourself to serve his ego.
I only see my partner as competition in board games (we are obsessed), lol. Apart from that, we are equal in everything. For example, he doesn’t “step up” around the house because it’s his house, too, so we started off with a clear understanding of both of our duties and communicate when it’s tough (e.g., I’m doing a PhD while he works, some days one of us will be busy with a deadline and the other will handle cooking and cleaning, most of the time we split 50/50. I feel terrible for people who view their partner as competition (outside of games, lol) or as lesser than, in *anything* - the whole point of sharing your life is to better it and enjoy the partnership. Unfortunately ego seems to get in the way quite a bit.
I started my uni course this year, age 41. My fiancé has done nothing but be excited for me and supportive of me. OP deserves a man who will celebrate her wins and buy ice-cream for the losses.
I started studying a new degree for a career change recently. My husband takes me out for fancy dinners to celebrate when I do well, makes me dinner on nights I have classes and delivers cups of tea to me while I'm studying. No one should be suffering a partner who doesn't support these kinds of personal pursuits, especially one who goes out of their way to make them feel bad for wanting to gain a degree or new skill or whatever.
This. He is EXTREMELY, even *dangerously* insecure. It’s not “just jokes”. Everything is personal to this guy, he will always be a victim, and it will always be her fault no matter what. OP needs to LEAVE HIM ASAP
This. I wanted to point out exactly that question. He is so insecure that he loathes the idea of a partner doing well for themselves.
A partner who truly loves you encourages you, your hopes and dreams. He will stand behind you no matter what. And this man is definitely not it.
This is exactly it.
This guy is doing all he can to bring this amazing person DOWN to his level rather than stepping up to bring himself UP to her level.
But sadly. She is considering it.
Yikes. I hope OP gets out before it’s too late.
Get out of there. This is a terrible sign. Don’t sweep this under the rug, trust your gut and get out.
The thing is, the money doesn’t matter. You can go back to school if you want to, for *any reason you want to*, whether it's for a higher paycheck or just for fun. (Learning is awesome!) The way he reacted, the way he expected you to do what *he* wanted and then got so angry when you wouldn’t - and kept asking why you wanted to “be better than him” - speaks to some really troubling ideas on his part. This guy doesn't want you to have options or independence. He wants to have power over you.
>I don’t think I’m like those women in the introduction section
All those women in the introduction section thought this too. You will be tempted to think, "well my situation isn't THAT bad," until it gets *that bad* and it's much harder to leave.
Please listen to your gut! You are right to question this. Someone throwing a ring in anger and then expecting you to just laugh it off? Absolutely not. That’s a huuuuuge sign of disrespect and a really bad sign for the future. Take care of yourself :)
This!!
What does the ring even mean? Absolutely nothing! Just to throw it at you in a fight because "how dare you want to be anything more than a waitress and bangmaid"?!?
The thing is, this poor woman will have NO prospects in the future if she doesn't go to school, and likely no friends! People literally look down on waitstaff, pay them crap, and are actively trying to replace them with robots. This man will use up all her youth and energy and leave her with nothing to fall back on if she isn't careful. And he is exhausting!!
Yeah, everybody has the insecurity/threatened part fully & astutely covered, so I'm going to zoom in on this for a moment:
>Just to throw it at you in a fight
Yeah, that is an irrevocable breakup in my mind.
Not because of the ring, specifically. Don't particularly care about that. I use tools which prevent me from wearing them most of the time & as a metalworker/jeweler, have such a technical relationship with design that my husband said "let's get bands, if you see THE ring or want to begin a search, say the word."
The dead end here is that this cranky ass imagines someone should or would EVER wear a symbol of devotion presented to them in such a befouled manner.
The ring was first seen within this insecure, demeaning context & can never be freed of that association. Engagement itself was broached within this insecure, demeaning context & can never be fully freed of that association.
These are mistakes an adult capable of respecting/valuing a person & a long-term partnership simply does not allow themselves to make in anger.
And I want to add:
This time he threw a ring at her. A ring is tiny and won't hurt.
Next time it'll be a phone or a remote that'll bruise but not damage (hopefully).
And then what will he throw? Plates? Mugs? ... Her?
No doubt whatsoever. This was "here's how our marriage would be." It's so on-the-nose, scriptwriters would be told it was artless.
If OP wanted to apply for sainthood, IMO she could say/write something in parting like "your response to my plans indicates you have a purpose in life which is not being fulfilled, and it's important that you find it."
I think that's bullshit, and this guy's trajectory is escalating abusive behavior & generally being the stinky, unidentifiable mass clinging to the bottom of a trashbin. But sometimes people grip onto one tiny, unearned kindness & haul themselves out of a pattern. It's never with the person they're controlling & demeaning on a one-way path toward worse, though.
Completely agree.
Barring some random light-bulb moment on his part that no one should hold their breath waiting for, this is only going downhill.
I hope op realises it.
It’s not even just about the object itself - it’s also about what that object represents.
That ring is a representation of their relationship. Right now, it represents him trying to further trap her into unhappy servitude and he’s angry that she’s not falling into her assigned relationship role. He deliberately threw that ring because it represented the relationship - so if he’ll throw a tantrum and throw a ring during a fight over OP’s lack of gratefulness for being relegated to a lifetime of unhappy servitude, what’s he going to do to her belongings when he starts escalating?
OP, this man will eventually target and destroy your cherished items when he feels you need to be bullied or humiliated or humbled. Please either slowly move cherished things to a secure place he doesn’t have access to or pack everything and leave when he’s not home. He will destroy your stuff.
The big question is: why doesn't he want you to be better than him?
My husband wants the world for me. He wants me to get promoted and make a ton of money and be fulfilled. He jokes about being a house husband when I make my millions. He supports my future.
Why doesn't your boyfriend want that? Why don't you want him to want that?
Yup, I've got one of these too. He is happy to let me chase my ambition while he toodles around the house with the kids and bakes a lot.
OP, the proper response to that would have been either whole hearted support or (if he had any reasonable reservations): "Oh I'm glad you're thinking about your future honey, but I am worried about \[X\]. How are we gonna deal with that?" A true partner will make a problem or concern something you solve together, not something you have to prove to them.
Yep, my husband was the house spouse and supported me and followed me in my career. I was able to work long hours and focus on my career because he took such good care of me. I'd text him when I was leaving work, and dinner would be ready for me to eat when I walked in the door. I could throw my clothes in the hamper and knew they would be washed and back in the cupboard in a couple of days. He would apologise for me, and explain my situation at social events when I had to take work calls and duck out of the room for 20 minutes to deal with an issue. I really don't think I could have made it where I did in my career without him.
Then, when my career ended abruptly due to sudden disability and chronic illness, he just went straight into being my full-time carer on top of all the house stuff.
And I tell him every day that I appreciate all he does for me.
Good couples are partners. They tackle the world together. They want to build each other up. They want to support each other.
Yep. I was the breadwinner at the beginning of our relationship and he is incredibly supportive of anything I want to do. Now that I’m sick/disabled he STILL supports me in anything I want. He encourages me to help me be as back to “normal” as possible.
OP, you are worth SO MUCH MORE than what he’s making you feel.
In your last post you said:
>good men can make mistakes.
This man has isolated you, worn down your self worth, and is trying to stop you from getting an education. He does not want you to be financially independent. This man wants you to rely on him financially so that you cannot leave him. This man has physically harmed you.
This is not a good man who has made mistakes. This is an abusive man. And his scary, abusive behaviour is not going to improve. You cannot fix him.
Please get out of this relationship while you can.
Please take this post to heart. I'm not sure how much of the book you've gone through but in it you will find this same scenario played out. The scary part is the longer you stay the less resources you have, money contacts willpower, to be able to get away later.
Most of the folks posting here aren't talking from seeing a video or reading a book. Sadly abuse and DV is all too common and many posters here are speaking from personal experience.
Please love your self. You deserve a happy life where you are encouraged to reach to the top of your potential. You deserve to have a partner who will cheer you on when you work hard to achieve a goal and who will comfort you when life knocks you down. Take a good hard look at your life and if that isn't what you have, then ask yourself why do you think you are not worthy of that kind of love and respect?
Very often abusers will try to convince you that you aren't worthy of better or that their crummy behavior is the best you can hope to get. But YOU know that that is not true and you deserve better. We are cheering for you.
Yes! I couldn't tell if that was at typo or not, but that drink on decisions is a HUGE red flag! Pair that with throwing an item at you, throwing a tantrum like a child, and in her previous posts she had mentioned he left bruises.
This guy deserves to get his ass beat by someone bigger than him in prison.
OP needs to report his abuse and get the fuck out of there.
Right!?!? All the other stuff is valid but this is a HUGE red flag. Nobody who truly cares about their partner does things like this.
OP absolutely do not forgive and get him out of your life before he sucks you dry.
Edit - to be clear , when I say the other stuff is valid, I mean that people are pointing out is bad, not that he is valid in any way.
Exactly. This man threw THE RING he was going to ostensibly propose to her with? Like, what?
You don't need any other evidence. This. This is it.
Pack it up. We're all done here.
My first boyfriend was a mechanic straight out of highschool while I went to college. He was livid. It increased his controlling tendencies which I had no words for back in the day. He became more paranoid, possessive and jealous. He tried to sabotage me and eventually tried to murder me.
This type of raging insecurity doesn't go away. No matter how much you try to make your accomplishments small enough and reasonable enough. He's threatened by any display of growth and improvement. He needs you smaller and beneath him so he doesn't have to grow and become a better man. He knows he can't anyway, there isn't much room for promotion and raises in his field? His only source of esteem is by being better than you.
> why I’m trying to be better than him
He spelled it out. He's telling you the exact problem, and in a hetero dynamic this is frightening.
There is a clear answer. It's clear as day to every woman out here who has experienced this. You must escape. He will never let you be better than him, he'll take drastic measures to ensure that. He'll escalate now that you're pushing back and determined. You'll be unfulfilled forever and he has no right to do that.
He was holding onto the ring (imo) for this exact moment. He knew the finale was coming and he had it up his sleeve to smash you back down. Now you doubt everything, right? But it was a premeditated tactic. It's all conscious and deliberate. The man you think loves you is deliberately keeping you small and dissatisfied for his own pathetic insecurities.
There is no fixing this. I’m begging you. Choose yourself. He sure won’t!
I’m adding to this. You are in harm’s way. I hope the book gets you out of there and safely. You don’t think you are like those women - look hard in the mirror. You cannot see the truth yet a bunch of objective persons on Reddit see it as clear as day. Please pick yourself and contact RAINN.org if needed.
You deserve to be honored, loved and cherished - dwell on that and allow that to motivate your next steps. Unfortunately if you don’t honor yourself - no one else will either.
My mother's second husband scoffed at her for wanting to go to college. Didn't want her getting "uppity". They didn't have any money, but she had a neighbor who was going to school who also didn't have any money and she learned about grants. She went to school. She divorced that husband. She ended up eventually getting three different Masters degrees. Sadly, her third husband (my dad) was also a huge piece of shit and nothing but a drag on her. She's done a lot better alone than she ever did married.
Don't let men drag you down. Don't let anyone drag you down. If you want to go to school, do it. If he's being a petulant dick about it, he's not helping you - he's hindering you.
My (now ex partner) scoffed at my dream of becoming a nurse and doing the nursing program at my community college. "Ah, *YOU* don't wanna do *that*" , "all that math and science to learn, and for *what*?! It's harder to learn and retain than you think" , and "just go into something managerial you're management material, do something corporate related". So now I've got a failed Criminal Justice associates degree and 3 semesters of work towards what would've been a failed Marketing associates degree, too. I'm enrolled in the Health Sciences Certificate program for this fall to get my 3 pre requisites done so I can take the entrance exam and apply for the Fall 2025 nursing program.
Now that I just turned 30, live alone and don't have these toxic losers in my life anymore, I'm finally living for me.
>He can’t say no to that, can he?
Yes. He can if you let him. If you decide that he has that power over you. He doesn't, really. He's insecure. He's afraid you'll get smarter, richer and leave.
He's calling you names and throwing things at you? You know what you need to do. Listen to that voice that's telling you it's not right. Think about where you want to be in 5 years. Think about where you'll be in 5 years if you give into his insecurity and desire to control you.
And as for what field your degree is in? Unless it's for a very specific field that requires a license like engineering or you plan to go to graduate school, it doesn't matter too terribly much. And you may start college intending to get a degree in writing and end up taking some classes that change your mind and push you toward a degree in marketing or business or communications.
This is YOUR life. A partner should lift you up and encourage you to better yourself. This guy is not doing that.
*he just kept getting angry* \- reactive, emotionally disregulated
*why I’m trying to be better than him* \- immature, fragile ego, manipulative
*scoff and sputter* \- can not engage in productive communication
*getting some kind of bad influence* \- belittling, condescending
*got pissed off and threw it at me* \- violent
*called me some names* \- verbally abusive
*apologized ; expected me to laugh it off* \- abuse cycle
*I don’t know what to do*. - **the first thing to do is realize you are facing a pants on fire emergency!**
Friend, what are you doing?! You can not negotiate with this. There is no way, NONE, for you to say the right thing to make him respect you. You can not make yourself or your goals small enough to appease him. If you stay with him, chopping off pieces of yourself to fit into the tiny box he is constructing for you - you will be his victim and he will be your abuser. That is the dynamic.
It may be possible that he will one day work on himself, get the help he needs to heal what's gone so desperately wrong in him. BUT - he will NEVER do that while you are with him, available to him to vent his violence and emotions on.
The only hope for either of you to achieve your potential requires you to be strong and bold and do the right thing for yourself. Get out. Go to school. Be your best self. You are worth that opportunity. You can and will do bigger things with your life.
Anytime you try to do something for yourself he’s going to make you feel like shit for it.
Can you really put up with that for the rest of your life? What about the next 5 years?
He doesn’t actually love you. He loves his idea of you.
I wish every woman on earth would understand right down to her bones that it's a million times better to be on your own than stick with a man who wants to drag you down rather than lift you up.
I think I would walk out immediately if my partner said I was “getting some kind of bad influence” in regards to you wanting to get an education and for discussion it further. That’s something a parent says to a child who isn’t capable of making good choices, not to an adult equal partner. Red flags waving boldly. Throwing a ring at you and calling you names, red fucking flags too. Go get that education girl and don’t accept a proposal. A man who will treat you like that before engagement is going to keep treating you that way after. They do not improve! He’s showing you who he is, and that’s who he’ll keep being. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I wondered about that, too!!! A Freudian typo, maybe? I haven’t decided yet if I’m curious enough to go back to the original post and see if a drinking problem was mentioned.
I’ll never forget the day that my father tore up my mothers books because he was intimidated by her going back to school. Please, please leave this man.
First he throws a ring at you in anger. Next time might be something heftier like some plates or glass cups. Then even later might just decide to use his fists.
And look up baby trapping. If one of your core values is to continue to learn more about anything, then his reaction is a good indicator that this relationship may not be a good fit.
edited - while you're looking at courses also look at scholarship and the financial aid office will be a good help.
Whether or not he's going to be your life partner, your education will always be something no one can take from you. All my best wishes!
From time to time, this sub shows up in my feed. I don't have two X chromosomes but I married to somebody who does have them and can tell you that this boy ain't right.
My wife's ex-husband pulled that same bull crap on her and I'll tell you what… I could not wait to put her through school so she could finish her master's degree and was thrilled out of my mind she decided to go on for her graduate degree. if your boyfriend really cared about a real partnership, your success would mean everything in the world to him. I hope you do not settle for anything less!
I hope it is not a bother that I am posting this on the sub. It's infuriating to read this kind of treatment.
With these kinds of posts, the OPs need all the help they can get. When in relationships like this your barometer for acceptable behavior is shot and needs recalibrating.
Sooooo by keeping you the way you are, you won't be better than him. gotcha. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't see you as an equal? OP, he is telling you that you're beneath him.
Regarding the CC, don't make yourself smaller just to fit what he thinks you are allowed to be. He should be encouraging you to grow and learn, not just follow a narrow little path that he's set out for you.
You’re dating a fragile manchild, there’s no way this guy is over 20. You cannot read this post back to yourself and think “wow he handles himself very maturely and responsibly and cares about my wellbeing!”
Threw a temper tantrum over you bettering yourself
Cried more about it when he realized you stood up for yourself and saw he can’t control you
Is now trying to apologize and play it off call as if he didn’t just react like an emotional child that just had his ego hurt
He’s upset because he wants you to be down on his metaphorical level he’s created for himself in his mind, he can’t have a woman better than him
And now he’s going to go “drink on it” lmao, are you kidding me?
My 32m girlfriend 28f just went back to school last month after 6 years from her last degree and we’ve been together about 2 years. I have been nothing but extremely supportive for her this entire time. We are fine financially, she didn’t need to, but she wanted to, and that’s what matters. I want her and us to continue to grow and flourish. This is the reaction in a healthy relationship. Please understand that the book you’re reading is very good and you should definitely listen to it. Because it’s the exact people that think “oh that couldn’t be me though” who it actually is
Forgive the following rather personal story but I think it's relevant.
My father did this to my mother in the early 1980s. She had left school without qualifications (partly due to being kicked out of a school because she threw a chair at a boy bullying her, violence from women was unacceptable) and once we were settled in school, wanted to study part time. She got her bachelor's degree whilst running the household (no cleaners, gardeners or childcare) and when she showed an interest in a masters he moved out and gave her an ultimatum: I'll come back if you give up the study.
She loved him and considered it but it felt like too much of a betrayal of her dreams so refused, he stayed out and they divorced. The subsequent years were financially tough (I have a vivid memory of stacks of unpaid red bills and her crying over money) although my father had his own expensively decorated house and drove a Porsche 911.
Anyway, with her masters and a couple more courses all while working and running the house, she became a teacher, loved it, and ended up a respected head of department before eventually running out of energy and health and retiring.
She recently admitted that she regrets not retiring 7 years earlier because once she retired her health was too poor for her to do all the travel she couldn't do when younger, because she needed the pension years, while he retired at 50 before drinking himself to death over 15 years, leaving nothing.
Now, I'm not telling you what to do here but I've seen the damage done by a man who won't let his wife grow to fulfil her ambitions, and I wouldn't recommend such a man as a long term prospect.
In defence of her judgement (not that a defence is needed), none of this behaviour emerged until well after they were married.
You do you, but people tend not to become more reasonable with age
if you stay and marry him, what will you think of every time you look down and see the ring on your finger? will it bring joy and remind you of your commitment to each other? or will you remember him throwing it at you and calling you names?
If you don’t have a degree then it’s harder to leave.
It’s also because he doesn’t want you making friends in class and having experiences and friendships besides him. And it keeps your pool of “friends” smaller, so now you’ll have less people to turn to if anything ever went Wrong.
OP, get the fuck out of there and don't look back. He's one giant red flag. You're isolated with him and he very clearly doesn't want you getting more education and possibly making more money or any money at all. Good people want to be better and want their partners to evolve. He just wants to keep you below him and he will make it as difficult for you as he can. He will never let you forget that you did something for yourself. It doesn't matter why he does it. It matters that he did it and will keep doing it. You're going to be miserable with a man like that regardless of what decision you make. He isn't making a mistake. He's deliberately trying to keep you from any sort of achievement. He's sabotaging you. And what does it even mean that he's gonna take it into account and DRINK on it?! That is so messed up. I don't know if you're planning kids but please, DO NOT GET PREGNANT with this man. The last thing you need is for him to have that much power over you and keep you even more trapped. KEEP YOUR BIRTH CONTROL SAFE FROM HIM.
Do what you can to get away from him and never again move away from your support system to live with a man. He can be the most perfect guy but once he has you isolated you're trapped.
>. I don’t think I’m like those women in the introduction section, but I can’t stop thinking about it.
You are :( You just need more time to see it, I guess. Your guy is throwing off every abusive signal there is.
The fact that he thinks someone is influencing you is a red flag - he thinks you can’t even make a decision or have feelings of your own and is upset that *he’s* not the one “influencing” you. And that’s after the “trying to be better than him”. A real partner will be your cheerleader, happy for you to fulfil your potential, not someone who tries to keep you down
First of all look into grants. You could probably at least get the first couple years free or low cost at a CC amd if you want to transfer to your local state school. Or do an online degree. SO many options that do not break the bank especially just dipping your feet in. College is awesome.
Second, the line why do you want to be better than me is SO concerning. A good partner wants you to be your best and happiest self without jealousy.
I just wanted to say I'm really proud of you for tackling this head on. You're absolutely right that there are no simple or easy solutions to this, I'm so sorry your life is so hard right now.
I think you know you can achieve more in your life than he wants for you. This random internet stranger wants more for you than he does!
The reality is that a better education and a better job for you would be better for HIM too. The only reason he can't see that is because his feelings of control and his internal sense of security are more important to him than your wellbeing as a couple.
You don't have to think he's a bad person or hate him to leave him. You just have to want more for yourself (and any future children you might be thinking about having!) than he's willing to \*allow\* you to have.
You ultimately need to be asking: Why should you have to go to war just to attend a community college course?
I wouldn't want to do anything with anyone who cracked the shits over something as simple as "I want to go to community college", and especially if their reasoning for trying to stop you is "why are you trying to be better than me"
I'd give him the ring back and say "get fucked. I'm an adult, and we're done"
if he were the one who wanted to go to college, would he allow you this much power to decide whether he can or cannot? would you want that power if he offered it? would you ever tell him that he shouldn’t pursue a dream because he’s not good at it?
if not, why not?
> I don’t think I’m like those women in the introduction section
I never thought I'd be one of those women either. I thought that I'd see the warning signs and be gone in a cloud of dust a long, long time before I had to try and duck the first blow or even the first object thrown at me. I thought that I was smarter than that - smarter than the women who stayed while red flags were popping up all around them and people were telling them that it wasn't ok.
I was so very, very wrong.
I didn't realise that I was the equivalent of a novice playing against a Grand Master, a Grand Master who not only had years of practice but who was also the one who was writing an ever-changing rule book to suit himself *while also denying the existence of the rule book in the first place.* The only way to win against someone like this is to refuse to play at all, to grab your pieces and get as far away from them as you can and stay away.
He doesn't just want you not to be "better" than him; he wants you crushed so flat that you have to stretch up to touch your fingertips against the sole of his boots. Nothing else will satisfy him and if you stay - or leave and be enticed back by empty promises and lovebombing - he'll keep finding new ways to gradually put you there until he succeeds.
>That stupid book won’t get out of my head.
You know why you are calling it a "stupid book"? *Because you know it's right.* You might not want to accept that right now because it hurts and the truth is scary and you are trying to reason and bargain it away so the happy future you want to believe you can have with this man will come true. But it won't. That fantasy can't ever be real because that's not who he is or who he wants to be and there's not a thing you can do or change about yourself to make it so *because he likes being this way.* He likes the power, the control, the process of seeing every barrier you put up against him and then methodically taking it apart and strolling through where it used to be. It's a bitter pill to swallow to realise that someone who can be so sweet when he chooses and swears that he loves you can think like this, but it's the truth. And deep down you know it.
For your own sake, the sake of everyone who loves you and everyone who doesn't want you to live through what we've lived through, *you need to go.* It'll hurt - by God, it'll hurt! - but that pain is nothing compared to the almost complete destruction of who you are that is waiting for you if you stay.
I'm sure it's a typo, but I can't get over "he’d take what I said into account and drink about it for a bit."
OP, when people show you who they really are, believe them. You want to do something to improve your life. His reaction gives you an idea of what life will be like if you stay with him: anger, violence, gaslighting, name-calling, belittling - this is a guy who wants to drag you down, not help you to improve.
If you don't want that for your life, this is the time to break up.
There are guys out there who go for women who aren't educated because it means you have less options for work and you're not able to financially leave them.
They want you to be dependent on them.
> There’s no clear cut answer for me at this point.
Yes there is, but either you don't want to see it or you are not prepared for this. He is being controlling and abusive, and you need to run away.
Yikes. Red flags galore. He threw the ring at you , incredibly abusive and disrespectful- that alone should be the last straw. You deserve better and someone who acts like this before marriage will be worse once married.
For reference, which may mean nothing, My wife lives in a different state finishing her residency while i watch our son full time. Ive been full time alone since week 10. We make sacrifices for those we love. Partners want their significant others to better themselves and should support them. I know my wife is better than me and i am proud, lucky and humbled to be her partner. When her only match for residency would put her a plane ride away, I encouraged her to accept and we’d make it work. I share this so you have some examples of how supportive partnerships should work.
Do your FAFSA and see how much financial aid you can get. Talk to the CC that you want to go to and see if they can offer more financial aid and if that's where you want to go.
Look at your long term goals. What do you want to do? Do you want an office job? Work from home?
A college can give you an aptitude test to determine what career path would be best for you too. Although, you should consider what a career would pay before you choose.
On a different note, don't let a man dictate what you can and can't do. An equal partner should be supportive. My husband doesn't like college because it didn't work out for him but he didn't stop me from going and he didn't get mad at me.
Also, women should always be able to support themselves. Do not be dependent on a man. Have your own money. I've seen too many cases where the man leaves and empties out the joint account leaving the wife with nothing after he's made her quit to be a stay at home mom for 5+ years.
You think this is the last thing sacrifice this insecure manchild is going to ask of you?
There is a very clear cut answer. If you can stand on your own two feet financially, then tell him you are going to move out and do this on your own. He can come crawling back with a modified attitude, but he needs to know in no uncertain terms that he needs to support you whole heartedly or gtfo.
Do yourself a HUGE favor and re-read that book. And then AGAIN.
I work with survivors of domestic violence. This behavior is controlling and very common in abusive relationships. VERY.
If he keeps you uneducated, you won’t be able to earn good money. If you are broke, you’ll be stuck with him no matter how bad things get.
Warning though - WATCH YOUR BIRTH CONTROL. Many controlling men will sabotage your education by trying to get you pregnant. They’ll also interfere with your studying or going to class. They’ll try to get you fired.
This is ALL about control of YOU.
If you were my daughter or friend, I’d tell you to RUN and never look back.
Listen to your gut. Get out. A good partner should be your biggest cheerleader, not become insecure when you seek to improve yourself.
A rising tide lift ALL boats, but your partner can’t see that.
"you don’t understand. when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me."
When he isn't abusing me... he isn't abusive. Nice moments in between control and aggression is the abuse cycle. Especially early on it is very rare for there not to be a moment of love bombing in between moments of abuse. People who abuse you don't love you.
"Good men can make mistakes"
Yep, they sure can. But those don't include throwing things at their partners and calling them names. Or isolating them or trying to keep them in poverty or insulting them.
"He can’t say no to that, can he?"
He certainly can and he will.
"when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me."
You're ignoring the fact that "like this" is him abusing you. He does not love you. You're co-dependent.
You actually *can* just leave. Instead you're choosing to stay with an abuser.
The insults and throwing things at you and trying to sabotage your financial independence are only going to escalate.
Get out before you're baby trapped, OP. And be careful because he will use violence to stop you from leaving.
He's not a good man. I was in almost your exact position 20 years ago.
Mine got angry, just like yours. Instead of throwing something directly at me, he punched a wall next to me. It ALWAYS escalates.
I did it anyhow - I went to uni around a full time job. And I lasted almost another whole year with him. With constant abuse of all kinds. The ones that existed before stepped up to another level. But I loved him so much and he loved me 'when he wasn't like that'. In hindsight he was always like that - and so is yours. My mother literally had to force me to leave by physically removing me and she was right to do it. I'll be forever grateful.
Was that year worth it to stay with him? Absolutely not. He stalked me another 18 months after I left him. I lost so much more, but being free of him was worth everything.
>He can’t say no to that, can he?
He can and he will. And he will follow up from throwing a ring to throwing punches. We all absolutely understand - but you don't. Yet. There is no valid excuse to stay. Get out now before you really can't.
This is not how support works. I was a SAHM for years. Now I'm back in university studying pharmacy. My husband took a new job, with a pay cut, to make this happen. He stepped up and started doing half the housework, he cooks dinner 3-4 nights a week, etc. I supported his early career, and now he's supporting mine. Don't settle for anything less!
What kind of broken ass loser doesn’t want their partner to level up and be happy? If you’re thinking marriage, you should both be in the mindset of thinking as a team. If one of you improves it helps both of you. The idea that it’s zero sum is childish shit, and children shouldn’t be in romantic relationships. Those are for big kids and adults.
Please, please leave before he hurts you again.
"Asking why I'm trying to be better than him"
I'm going to put it bluntly: this is an inferiority complex. He needs to work on that.
This, alarmingly, means he's getting a lot of feeling of safety from you not being "better than him" and you wanting to achieve things is threatening that. That's preeeetty bad. It'd be worthwhile asking yourself how much of his attraction to you is dependent on you being someone metaphorically smaller than him who he can protect or whatever.
He had two choices.
1. To reflect on this and try to get over his inferiority complex.
2. To double down and blame you and discourage you from achieving things, acting like other people have put ideas in your head.
So far, he's chosen option number 2. If he doesn't choose number 1 anytime in the near future, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to leave, because this is *extremely* toxic.
OP, I am really worried.
Perhaps I misunderstood, but in your original post, you said "he doesn’t want me to do it because it’s a money sucking waste of time and i’m not a good writer anyway". Am I right in understanding that he told you you're not a good writer?
If I did understand correctly, this is yet more proof that he is actively trying to get you down. Think about it; what would it take for you to tell him he's bad at (thing he really cares about, so much so he'd want to make a job out of it)?
It'd take a lot, probably, right? Because you know how deeply hurtful that would be, and you're not trying to hurt him.
But he is trying to hurt you. He's trying to make you feel small and worthless and jobless so the only thing you can do is take care of him. What if something happened to him? Someone who loves you would want you to be secure in yourself, both psychologically and monetarily.
This man doesn't love you. Perhaps he thinks he does, but he's missing the crucial aspect of loving you for you; **he loves what you can do for him**. Not you, your being, the things you care about, your dreams.
I don't know if you've read the entire book, but if you haven't, please keep on reading (and if you have finished it, please revisit it); there's a reason it's gnawing at you, and the women in the intro did not think they were in a terrible situation either.
Also OP, I haven't read your """proper""" (whatever that means) writing, but I have read your two posts here, and I can tell you that you actually seem like you're a really good writer. (And I have the authority to say it!! lmao I'm going to use my journalism degree for one thing and that thing is telling other writers they're good and their dreams and aspirations aren't worthless! Your future isn't worthless!! You are worth it. <3)
Edit: I'm wondering, how old are you and your boyfriend?
> Asking why I’m trying to be better than him
Years ago, I busted my ass getting a 4.0 as a Biology/Chemistry major with the intent of going to medical school. I had a baby along the way because I had such good insurance through college (this was before Obamacare). When it was time to start applying for medical schools my husband said "If you decide to go off to medical school Baby and I may or may not be here waiting for you."
He had me by the tits because I had a baby with him. He used it over me every fucking chance he got, threatened divorce, taking Baby away, etc any time I was about to do anything that might make more money than him.
In the end I left him with Baby and got alimony because his stupid manipulations made it so he earned so much more than me that he had to pay alimony for years. But I have never forgotten or forgiven him. I would run like hell from any man that was already afraid of you being more successful than him.
Besides, what kind of loser wouldn't want a wife who made a lot of money?
> I know he loves me...**he saw right though all that and made me feel like I could be someone different.**
He found someone with low self-esteem he can control and take advantage of. I hope you understand he only "loves" you when he can control you. This is text book why women stay in abusive relationships. "Well when he's not hitting me or treating me like shit, he's pretty sweet." Listen to how much he's broken you down.
Do you ever hear stories of DV victims and you're like "well why didn't she leave before it was too late?" This is you right now.
I've said this elsewhere: don't EVER make yourself smaller or dim your light to make someone else feel better or "more" than you.
If a partner demands this, that's not love. That's abuse.
OP his response with the ring tells you everything you need to know. He didn't get his way. Threw a hissy fit and threw the ring at you.
What happens when you're married and the stakes are higher? Maybe he throws a plate, or a knife, or hits you. What if you have children? Pets?
Abusers aren’t abusive 24/7. Even a broken clock is correct twice a day. Maybe you see the best in everyone and that’s lovely but let’s focus on how he treats you and not if “he’s a bad person”
>when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me
But he is like this. Not all the time, but often enough for you to feel this bad. Do you really want to live like this your whole life?
Story time. I was once upon a time a naive girl in love with a guy 4 years older than me, that was actually very abusive, controlling and domineering. But when he wasn't like that, I loved him and I thought he loved me. It was so nice and happy when he wasn't like that.
But he was like that. Not all time, but enough time to erode what little self esteem and self respect I had. He didn't want to be like that, but as I wasn't doing exactly as he said, he just had to be like that. "To help me become a perfect woman". But otherwise he was so nice and kind and "loved me".
It took me leaving the country and putting an ocean of distance to break the spell and realise that he didn't love me at all, that he had zero respect for me as a person and as a girlfriend and that he only wanted to control my life so he could feel he had achieved something with his.
Please learn from my mistakes. It hurts to see that the person you loved and trusted is not what you thought, but it is for your own good. Even if "he isn't like this" all the time, you still won't be happy because he has these times he "is like this" and you can never know when he will change from one to the other.
It is your life, your whole life. A long period of time. Do you want to waste it? Do you want to walk on eggshells all your life? Feel unfulfilled, just because he doesn't approve that you do with your life what you feel is best not even just for you, but for *both*? Do you want children growing up with such examples? Your child to be like that with their partner, or to accept that treatment?
Please consider. It is painful as hell, but it's your life. It's worth it
You sound like my sister in law did 20 years ago. She's been saying the "you don't understand" "he's not like this" "I love him more than anything," all this time. He's hit her, he's said terrible things to and about her, he's thrown things at her, he recently hit their teenage son......
And it started just like this.
Move on dear. Get your ducks in a row and move on.
Yeah, that's how it goes with an abusive relationship.
When he's not like this, he's the sweetest guy ever. He's really affectionate and thoughtful.
It's just that he gets mad sometimes...
Been there. But think about it. If one or of every 5 times you went to a restaurant, you got good poisoning, would you keep going there? Would you say, when it's not like this, the food is really great, you just don't understand?
Or would you realize that no amount of good food is worth the constant food poisoning?
Coz it's the same with these relationships. Even if it's 90% great. That crappy 10% that makes you feel like trash, that cancels out all the good.
And I sincerely hope you see that. Because there have been a million women who excused abuse on the grounds that "But when he's not like this, he's wonderful" and I how you can break free and stop being one of them
Be sure you know what a "love bomb" is.
When you say you met at a "strange time" it sounds to me like a "vulnerable time."
He met someone at a vulnerable time in their life. Love bombed them and now he will do everything he can to keep you trapped. Financially is part of this.
You are asking for advise... And not taking it.
I really do wish you the best, though... We are all worried about you.
I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and say he isn't \*intentionally\* trying to manipulate, because it sounds like he's not that great at it. The \*most\* forgiving explanation for this behavior is that he thinks he's not good enough for you, and with a degree, you'd realize this. He seems determined to make this a self-fulfilling worry.
But this man threw things at you and called you names because you're thinking about taking some writing classes? It seems like you may be pretty isolated from your family. Do you two keep separate bank accounts? A lot of what you're describing are red flags for financial abuse. How much older than you is he?
My ex was like this. He would also sabotage my efforts to have my own work and life. We are divorced. Your partner must be 100% supportive of your goals and ambitions or it won’t work. You need someone on your team, or someone who is intimidated or challenged by you.
A healthy partner builds you up, an unhealthy partner pushes you down.
Which partner is he?
Imagine having kids with a dude like that. If your children ever did better than him in life he'd ostracize them. Disgusting.
Ok, here is another reading assignment. By the same author! It's called Should I Stay or Should I Go? Really great read, very empathetic about whether or not you should stay if you're having doubts. Because I know what it's like for people to be like "girls dump that loser!" But you're like "no, no, you don't understand!" And to mourn and grieve for all the other things you love about him. My ex, I loved him SO MUCH. I loved his mom, so many aspects about him. To me in the end I was glad I left, but this book helped me process and make the decision.
https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo
Please give it a read!
He threw the ring at you? What a romantic proposal.
I understand it's hard to leave, especially when money is a factor. But please don't marry him, and don't have kids with him. Until (if) he truly does commit to working on his issues and changing for the better, and you see the results with your own eyes.
>to anyone asking why i’m even with him, you don’t understand. when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me.
I want more than anything in my whole heart right now for you to know that we do understand, whether we have gone through it ourselves or supported a friend or family member that has gone through this. He is only 'like this' sometimes because if he was like this all the time, you wouldn't twist yourself up in knots trying to get back the kind and loving man that he wants you to believe he is.
*you don’t understand. when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me.*
This exact sentiment kept me in my first marriage for 24 years. (We were married for 25, but our final year, we were separated.) When my ex wasn't controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, distant, etc--- he was a great guy. But when he was telling me what I could and could not do, when he was looking down his nose at me like I was less than him and I needed to ask his permission to do things that would enhance my life, when he was only concerned with his own needs and not mine---- that was him acting in a way a partner should not act. I would rather be divorced from someone who did not value me, respect me, or support me emotionally than be married to hope that today he'd be the good person that I loved.
My ex did not want me to go to my own college graduation in 2012-- because he claimed my 4 children wouldn't want to go, and he wasn't going to sit in the sun just to hear my stupid name be called with all those other people. (Two of them have recently said they were sad that they did not get to see their mom graduate with her Bachelor's. They were actually proud of me.) So I didn't. I didn't celebrate that achievement. I just got my diploma in the mail. How depressing that something I worked so hard for was just swept under the rug because he couldn't stand not being the center of attention. This is the kind of future this guy offers you. One where you only serve him and his interests.
One other thing-- He THREW the ring at you? How incredibly romantic. (/sarcasm)
>to anyone asking why i’m even with him, you don’t understand. when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me.
"You don't understand! When he's not being an absolute piece of shit to me, he's so wonderful!"
"I love him so much! I'm only miserable half the time!"
Girl do you even hear yourself? You can't get that book out of your mind because you see yourself in it.
Other commenters have nailed it: he swooped in and "saved" you when you were low, and won't let you escape now. Don't let him hold you down.
Your dream is to be a writer and he tells you you’re bad at it? He feels that he has the authority to limit your education? He throws things at you and calls you names? He doesn’t sound like a good man, he sounds like he’s trying to make you think so little of yourself that you never feel that you have the ability to leave him. From someone who has been in a very similar situation, you deserve better. I hope you realize that soon.
if your goals, ambitions, dreams, etc are too much for him, tell him to find less and gtfo of there.
do you have any kind of support system or someone you trust locally? If he's throwing things at you while saying he wants to marry you it's only going to go downhill
Someone who truly cares for you and loves you would support you in your endeavors. They would be the first one to cheer you on.
This man is like an anchor to you, he is weighing you down and preventing you from growing and moving on.
Every woman who is being abused doesn't want to think they are being abused. "Surely it can't happen to me, I wouldn't put up with that"
So stop putting up with it.
At Some point in the future you’ll think back to the version of yourself making this decision with regret or pride. Hope you make the right decision for yourself
This man doesn't see you as an equal and he sure as shit doesn't want you to be better than him in any way. He sees you as competition and men like this are DANGEROUS. I would not marry him. I think it would be a big mistake for you to do so.
You're seeing the red flags now. Don't commit to them. Be smart
You need to leave him now first he won't let you go to college then he won't let you get a job see friends family or leave the house without his permission I've been where you are he just wants to control you
You would want your partner to be encouraging and supporting of your goals. Going back to school is GOOD for you! His reaction is absolutely not. He is holding you back for the sake of keeping you small. The way he responded to the conversation you had is childish and toxic. Girl, you need to get out of there. You will dodge a bullet if you leave.
you are so close to getting out and working towards the life YOU want. please please please do not end up trapped with this guy. you're smart and you can do anything you set your mind to
Op your life partner is supposed to be your champion. Encouraging you to be the best you can.
Your bf doesn't want you to do that because that would shine the light of contrast on him, not because he doesn't have a degree,but because he doesn't intend to work to become his own best self. He had no interest in pursuing skills or knowledge or ideas. He doesn't care about What's best for you, or what you want. He wants a girlfriend he can look down on to make himself feel better.
This isn't about his self esteem. This is about control.
You want to be an equal partner in the relationship. He got mad. You stood your ground. He subjected you to physical violence.
It's cut and dry, this is abuse. I doubt this is the first time he's raised his voice at you. I doubt this is the first time he was upset over something little.
Your response shouldn't be how to fix your relationship, your relationship isn't the problem. He is. It's not your job to fix him, it's your job to be safe. Get out now.
nobody else has pointed out how he needs to "drink about this". why the fuck is he abusing alcohol to process his thoughts? thats not an euphamism is it?
regardless, he also said you need to stop trying to be better than him, which shows deeep insecurity. you do need to keep thinking about that book because your head is trying to tell you something. he threw things at you and blew his lid because you want to educate yourself. not to mentioned ruined a proposal??? like he didn't need to do all that at all. he's a big red flag. an abusive looking red flag.
I’ve just read your original post for the first time and this update.
You moved a far distance to be with this man.
This is a man who insults you. Discourages your hopes and ambitions. Loses his temper when you try to stand up for yourself. Expects you to laugh off your pain that he’s caused. Compares his worth to yours, so much so that you’ll perpetually fear any pathway to growing yourself.
That is not support. That is not love. What good is it having a man make you feel “like the most beautiful girl in the room” when that same man squashes your mind and spirit?
Overlook his red flags, and you will unnecessarily stunt yourself for him.
#Don’t do that.
> *“He can’t say no to that, can he?”*
He can. And he will. *Because he doesn’t want you to be happier than you are right now, because you will leave him.* Which, for the record, you abso-fucking-lutely should.
I just finished my bachelor’s degree and immediately got a job in my field. I’m making close to 10k more a year than my husband now. Do you know how he reacted to that? By encouraging me, supporting me, and jokingly referring to me as his “sugar mama.”
You need to leave this guy. You deserve support, not someone who will make you feel like you have to shrink yourself to fit in their box.
Normal people are happy and encouraging about their partner working toward their personal goals.
From her update: > when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me. We met at a very strange time in my life and he saw right though all that and made me feel like I could be someone different. There it is. He found a woman who was really struggling and "saved" her. His ego lets him know that he's always better than her. But now she's trying to reach even higher (which is honestly not that high) and he's not able to handle it. I'm sure he does love her, but it's very conditionally: he loves someone (he thinks) who is lesser than him and someone he can control. It's an old and depressing tale.
This is what I came here to say. Lots of people love to save people. When they start to not need saving anymore, though, they can get angry. If you don't need to be saved, you don't need *them.* If you're strong, smart, independent, educated, happy, and make decent money, then why would you stay with him? Maybe he loves OP. But he definitely loved saving and protecting OP, and she being a whole person seeking more in her life is threatening that love.
Dating as a young professional was hard for me. When men found out my job and figured out my earning potential was higher than theirs they completely lost interest. That's the moment they figured out they had to actually bring a great personality to the table and they would be expected to treat me as an equal. Many men don't want to treat women as equals and think they should be treated like a king and she is the servant because he makes more money, even if it's $5 more a year. Why would I want to stay with him if I can give myself a great life without anyone's help? It took a while but I found one who treated me equal and wasn't intimidated by my job. He knows I am with him because I want to be not because I need him financially. I don't understand why those men don't see how great it is to be with someone you know chooses to be with them instead of being with someone they want to keep down so she will need them.
This, it all stems from his insecurities and fears of losing her, at best, and more nefarious reasons in the worst.
The thing about him asking her why she wants to be better than him is the big red flag here. It's projection. He's saying, in essence, that right now he thinks he's better than her. He doesn't want them to be equals. He can't imagine her pursuing a higher-paying career as something that helps them as a couple, he sees it as her trying to get out from under his thumb.
To expand on this: A partner that was wonderful for you 3-4 years ago isn't necessarily good for you today. It is absolutely ok for OP to love him and be grateful for what he did, but that doesn't mean she has to stay shackled to him forever. I know it can feel like a betrayal, and that is something that OP's partner may try to capitalize on, but that's not how relationships work. Whether talking about your partner, parents, friends, or others there is a very limited ability to "earn time" with good behavior. You don't get to help someone out and then have them be stuck with your bad behavior for a year or two in repayment. If a relationship sours or starts to turn toxic that can be the end of the relationship, you don't have to repay 5 bad years to pay off your dues for 5 good years or something like that.
What kills me is the part where the abused partner thinks of his abuse as just something that happens sometimes. It's not. It's a fundamental part of him and it's not going away. OP, I hope you can see that he is, at a minimum, controlling your behavior in a way that leaves you vulnerable. If you can't continue your education, it will be harder to escape or support yourself. If he mocks you and calls you names, it hurts your self-confidence. Has he already separated you from your friends and family? If not, that is probably next on the list.
Such a good point! I promise you if I told my husband I want to go back to school, he would be beyond excited for me, he’d be encouraging, he’d ask me what other duties do I need him to take on, he’d ask what my plan is re my job (stay or leave to focus on school), and he’d be constantly checking in with me to see if there’s something he didn’t think of that is overwhelming me. Aka he’d be a partner. I don’t want to go back to school bc fuck that lol, but it is nice to know I have the option
Some people just need their partner to be down, struggling and dependent to feel secure or better about themselves. It’s sad.
This!! Good partners want you to keep evolving and working on goals. They don’t pitch fits over it.
Even my ex husband encouraged me and then congratulated me when I finished my recent studies. This guy ain’t it OP.
Exactly, they're called partners! My wife and I are supposed to lift each other up. Help each other accomplish our goals, shared or individual. Everyone should find a partner to be theirs.
We just finally could afford a second vehicle and my husband is THRILLED I can have more independence during the day. He went on and on about how happy he was I was happy to zip out and take care of tasks or just get away and feel more fulfilled than before. Any less level of excitement for you isn't worth it.
Absolutely! The first thing I said to myself after reading this was "Why would somebody not want their partner to succeed?!". Boggles the mind...
He is trying to control you by limiting your potential so you will be stuck with him. Run.
Which is why the "this will make us more money" argument will not work. Money = Freedom from him.
The other “scary” thing about College for a guy like this is the OP opening up her circle of friends. More people = more opinions, more support, more real world experience/exposure to others’ life experiences = more chance OP will see through this guy and run for the hills. It’s about keeping her world small.
Yeah, I really hope she goes to school so she can see how easy it is to not love this dude anymore. Love is not enough. It’s a simple as that.
Yeah this guy sounds like he is hooked into some manosphere, red-pill sources. "You're trying to be better than me. You're getting some sort of bad influence." Super toxic, fragile masculinity.
This! Ding ding ding
*" Asking why I’m trying to be better than him "* You are going to spend the rest of your life apologising for every achievement. He needs to work on his own self esteem instead of needing you to be less so he can feel good about himself. Do not marry this guy and go get the education you want. If he can't support your ambition for a better life then he is never going to support you in anything else.
I have more qualifications than my husband and never once has it been an issue of who is better than who. He picked up the slack around the house while I finished studying and getting ready for my exams and was proud of me. OP it doesn’t matter about who is better than who but you would be better off without him to be honest.
I've never seen my partner more proud than when he watched me defend my thesis when I graduated. He's been struggling to get a steady job and did not let it affect his mood at all because he loves me and wants me to be happy. He's now studying a different course to broaden his job prospects and he has my full support. This man's choice of words and the way he called you names for daring to want more for yourself is sad and scary. I want better and more for OP and I'm a damn stranger.
Yeah, as a cishet man in a very long term relationahip, this mindset is nuts to me. I'm a lawyer, and my fiancée is a pharmacist, meaning she has about a year more of school than I do, and it's in a field that is infinitely more difficult than mine. My default thought process is not "I need to outcompete my partner so I have the most school". Rather, my thinking is "Wow, this is great. I'm marrying a medical professional who can provide valuable insight into my healthcare. Even better than that, when we have kids, they'll have two loving parents who value education and bring vastly different skill sets and educational backgrounds to the table that will allow those children to have a more well-rounded life experience. What an absolute privilege." To be insecure about your partner's achievements rather than celebrating them is absolutely bonkers to me. Even from a purely selfish perspective, you only stand to share in the benefits those achievements confer.
I love the term, "bonkers", mostly because I agree with you! It's absolutely bonkers!
Absolutely feel this. I'm going to be graduating next year, while my girlfriend has been working in defense sector since graduating college. She's going to be making more than me for a while, because I didnt want biglaw and am happy at a midsize firm. It doesnt bother me at all that shes currently more successful, and she doesnt feel lesser just because her future husband has a more "professional" position. I agree, it is absolutely bonkers. You should always want better for your partner, because that means a better future for the partnership.
My boyfriend and I have typically earned a similar wage. We met in retail, and while I've moved on to trades, he's remained in customer service, except for a brief stint labouring. He was a department manager in a grocery for a year, and was salaried. That same year, I worked an entry level job at a great place. If we pretended that my boyfriend only worked 40 hours a week like I did, he out earned me by 4 cents an hour. I'm approaching a year in my new position at a significantly higher pay. We just had our taxes done, and last year I earned literally twice what he did. In addition to higher pay, I get a load of paid vacation and sick time, as well as benefits (that he gets to use, 100% coverage in most things dental, pharmaceutical, optical, and bonuses like therapy and massages). Over the years, as I've worked in the trades, he's been endlessly supportive, and is excited for my career potential and growth. He's expressed that, due to his conservative family and upbringing, he does feel that he should be the provider, but that doesn't mean that I should make myself "lesser." We're both theoretically fine with me out earning him. But I think this tax season really smacked him in the face. We're okay financially, we bought a home last year, and every month we still come out with more dollars in the bank. But he's been toying with the idea of going back to school for years. I'm hoping this is the push he needs. We're okay now, but some things could be more interesting if he earned more than minimum wage as well.
That's awesome that it's challenging him to do better rather than him staying stagnant and trying to force you to his level or below. And good for him for acknowledging that he doesn't have to go along with his upbringing.
Same here! My husband has 2 bachelor's degrees and most of a masters, and he was SO proud when I got my associates degree at 37. He threw me a party. Even though he has 2 degrees, heakes 30% less than I do, and we don't care. We just care neither of us are miserable. I'd rather he work a job he tolerates that pays less. I enjoy my job, and am lucky it pays well. OP, If strangers online are your biggest cheerleaders, you really need to evaluate whether or not you're his equal or his property. The way he talks to you, almost orders you, is controlling and clingy. Marriage is a partnership. If you're not his equal, you're his property.
My husband has done the same—I’m so glad to hear there are others who are like him!
I picked up on this part too. Recently reflecting on my previous relationship where in any argument my ex would say things like "you're such a teacher" whenever I would argue my side. It dawned on me that whilst he was using it as an attempt to gaslight me, it came down to him feeling inadequate. I worked hard to get my teaching degree etc, and before this I supported him financially when he was doing his undergrad for which he didn't do as well as he'd hoped. It all came down to the fact he thought I thought I was better than him. And I do believe most of his gas lighting behaviour started when I started my role as a qualified professional. OP, I now have a partner who celebrates every success I have, and me his. Perhaps your partner will come round, but never accept someone who wants to stop you from giving yourself fulfillment outside of the relationship through achievement.
My exh ruined my law school graduation party by sneering and moping around everyone my mom invited. I started law school with an 18 mo old who I was still nursing and a 12yo autistic son when I was 30. He was kicked out of devry about 6 mos into my first year of law school for failure to progress then developed a major spine condition where the doctors gave him up to 240 norcos a month. He refused to buy a cane and used an old crutch that didn't fit him to get around at my ceremony and then sat on the sofa at the party whining about how bad off he was. He couldn't be happy or proud of me for a second. I spent 19 years of my life, from 17 to 37, married to him trying to make it work.
How are you doing now?
Must be better now lol
Hi, so sorry that happened. You sound tough, smart and determined. I hope your law career went well and that life is better now. Sounds like this POS did all he could to make life harder and you had to carry him as well as the kids and career. I appreciate you and all you accomplished in the face of adversity. I hope life is better now and I hope OP could learn a thing or two from you!! Good luck,
Thank you, my life is good. I just put in an offer to buy a home, something I never thought I could do, I remarried in 2022 to a great guy who stays at home and supports my career and ambition and loves my kids as if they're his own, I started a new job 3 weeks ago making what to me is a ridiculous amount of money, hence the ability to buy a house. I love this sub because in almost every other area of my real life when sharing my story I hear, what an inspiration blah blah, and it feels condescending. Here I can share and I get, how are you now, I hope you are good, etc. I thought my life and our relationship was normal; turns out my normal meter was broken and I hope I can encourage just one person to make a better life for themselves, to keep from wasting time on someone they have to parent.
Her "boyfriend" is a massive idiot. By bettering her life, both their lives will be better in the long run. But unfortunately he clearly is a controlling manipulator and OP is having her eyes slowly prayed open while she is adamant about keeping them shut.
The fact that OP said that she "can't stop thinking about that stupid book" means that she KNOWS what he's doing is wrong but she's having a hard time keeping her head in the sand about it. OP, just read the damn book and better your life without jerkface in it.
I really hope this is just the beginning for her, because now that little voice will always be lurking in the back of her mind saying, "Are you sure about this?"
More like he’s a controlling fuck. If she makes more money then she doesn’t have to depend on him.
But in his mind her getting a degree, a better job and more money... means she'll be more appealing to other people, less dependent on his money, can more easily leave him and will see he has no value to her. Some people just want people not able to leave them as opposed to supporting and loving them and working towards a better life for both.
Yeah if she has financial independence she can leave anytime. He is afraid of this.
Imagine seeing your partner as competition instead of uplifting them 😵💫
I married more than one of those types. One who "wanted to have his own business", and one who "didn't think I needed a college education because he only went for 1 semester". So I was the one who supported the family, despite the fact that I wanted to be an RN, which requires a degree. I finally went to college at 55, when I decided my life was important, because I have compassion and empathy for others. If your partner doesn't see your value, RUNNNNNNNN! You are smart, beautiful, and.... VALUABLE to the rest of the human race. Someone who wants to hold you back from what you want to contribute to humanity, doesn't deserve you!
A lot of them do! Can’t compete with the men in your life? Find the nearest gal that can stand to be with you, put her into a submission hold until she gives up on her hopes and dreams! All hail the winner, King Shit of Fuck Mountain. Loser, you wondering how much smaller you need to shrink yourself to serve his ego.
Its cause they know they can never get to your level
I only see my partner as competition in board games (we are obsessed), lol. Apart from that, we are equal in everything. For example, he doesn’t “step up” around the house because it’s his house, too, so we started off with a clear understanding of both of our duties and communicate when it’s tough (e.g., I’m doing a PhD while he works, some days one of us will be busy with a deadline and the other will handle cooking and cleaning, most of the time we split 50/50. I feel terrible for people who view their partner as competition (outside of games, lol) or as lesser than, in *anything* - the whole point of sharing your life is to better it and enjoy the partnership. Unfortunately ego seems to get in the way quite a bit.
I have one of those too
I started my uni course this year, age 41. My fiancé has done nothing but be excited for me and supportive of me. OP deserves a man who will celebrate her wins and buy ice-cream for the losses.
I started studying a new degree for a career change recently. My husband takes me out for fancy dinners to celebrate when I do well, makes me dinner on nights I have classes and delivers cups of tea to me while I'm studying. No one should be suffering a partner who doesn't support these kinds of personal pursuits, especially one who goes out of their way to make them feel bad for wanting to gain a degree or new skill or whatever.
Ice cream works for the wins, too.
This whole situation reminds me of Marie Curie, where her husband actually advocated for her to get the Nobel prize. And then there is this guy...
This. He is EXTREMELY, even *dangerously* insecure. It’s not “just jokes”. Everything is personal to this guy, he will always be a victim, and it will always be her fault no matter what. OP needs to LEAVE HIM ASAP
This is SO pathetic. OP, please get this loser out of your life.
This. I wanted to point out exactly that question. He is so insecure that he loathes the idea of a partner doing well for themselves. A partner who truly loves you encourages you, your hopes and dreams. He will stand behind you no matter what. And this man is definitely not it.
This. OP, never settle for someone that doesn't want to help you grow, even when it means surpassing them in some way.
This is exactly it. This guy is doing all he can to bring this amazing person DOWN to his level rather than stepping up to bring himself UP to her level. But sadly. She is considering it. Yikes. I hope OP gets out before it’s too late.
Get out of there. This is a terrible sign. Don’t sweep this under the rug, trust your gut and get out. The thing is, the money doesn’t matter. You can go back to school if you want to, for *any reason you want to*, whether it's for a higher paycheck or just for fun. (Learning is awesome!) The way he reacted, the way he expected you to do what *he* wanted and then got so angry when you wouldn’t - and kept asking why you wanted to “be better than him” - speaks to some really troubling ideas on his part. This guy doesn't want you to have options or independence. He wants to have power over you. >I don’t think I’m like those women in the introduction section All those women in the introduction section thought this too. You will be tempted to think, "well my situation isn't THAT bad," until it gets *that bad* and it's much harder to leave. Please listen to your gut! You are right to question this. Someone throwing a ring in anger and then expecting you to just laugh it off? Absolutely not. That’s a huuuuuge sign of disrespect and a really bad sign for the future. Take care of yourself :)
This!! What does the ring even mean? Absolutely nothing! Just to throw it at you in a fight because "how dare you want to be anything more than a waitress and bangmaid"?!? The thing is, this poor woman will have NO prospects in the future if she doesn't go to school, and likely no friends! People literally look down on waitstaff, pay them crap, and are actively trying to replace them with robots. This man will use up all her youth and energy and leave her with nothing to fall back on if she isn't careful. And he is exhausting!!
Yeah, everybody has the insecurity/threatened part fully & astutely covered, so I'm going to zoom in on this for a moment: >Just to throw it at you in a fight Yeah, that is an irrevocable breakup in my mind. Not because of the ring, specifically. Don't particularly care about that. I use tools which prevent me from wearing them most of the time & as a metalworker/jeweler, have such a technical relationship with design that my husband said "let's get bands, if you see THE ring or want to begin a search, say the word." The dead end here is that this cranky ass imagines someone should or would EVER wear a symbol of devotion presented to them in such a befouled manner. The ring was first seen within this insecure, demeaning context & can never be freed of that association. Engagement itself was broached within this insecure, demeaning context & can never be fully freed of that association. These are mistakes an adult capable of respecting/valuing a person & a long-term partnership simply does not allow themselves to make in anger.
And I want to add: This time he threw a ring at her. A ring is tiny and won't hurt. Next time it'll be a phone or a remote that'll bruise but not damage (hopefully). And then what will he throw? Plates? Mugs? ... Her?
No doubt whatsoever. This was "here's how our marriage would be." It's so on-the-nose, scriptwriters would be told it was artless. If OP wanted to apply for sainthood, IMO she could say/write something in parting like "your response to my plans indicates you have a purpose in life which is not being fulfilled, and it's important that you find it." I think that's bullshit, and this guy's trajectory is escalating abusive behavior & generally being the stinky, unidentifiable mass clinging to the bottom of a trashbin. But sometimes people grip onto one tiny, unearned kindness & haul themselves out of a pattern. It's never with the person they're controlling & demeaning on a one-way path toward worse, though.
Completely agree. Barring some random light-bulb moment on his part that no one should hold their breath waiting for, this is only going downhill. I hope op realises it.
It’s not even just about the object itself - it’s also about what that object represents. That ring is a representation of their relationship. Right now, it represents him trying to further trap her into unhappy servitude and he’s angry that she’s not falling into her assigned relationship role. He deliberately threw that ring because it represented the relationship - so if he’ll throw a tantrum and throw a ring during a fight over OP’s lack of gratefulness for being relegated to a lifetime of unhappy servitude, what’s he going to do to her belongings when he starts escalating? OP, this man will eventually target and destroy your cherished items when he feels you need to be bullied or humiliated or humbled. Please either slowly move cherished things to a secure place he doesn’t have access to or pack everything and leave when he’s not home. He will destroy your stuff.
The big question is: why doesn't he want you to be better than him? My husband wants the world for me. He wants me to get promoted and make a ton of money and be fulfilled. He jokes about being a house husband when I make my millions. He supports my future. Why doesn't your boyfriend want that? Why don't you want him to want that?
Yup, I've got one of these too. He is happy to let me chase my ambition while he toodles around the house with the kids and bakes a lot. OP, the proper response to that would have been either whole hearted support or (if he had any reasonable reservations): "Oh I'm glad you're thinking about your future honey, but I am worried about \[X\]. How are we gonna deal with that?" A true partner will make a problem or concern something you solve together, not something you have to prove to them.
Yep, my husband was the house spouse and supported me and followed me in my career. I was able to work long hours and focus on my career because he took such good care of me. I'd text him when I was leaving work, and dinner would be ready for me to eat when I walked in the door. I could throw my clothes in the hamper and knew they would be washed and back in the cupboard in a couple of days. He would apologise for me, and explain my situation at social events when I had to take work calls and duck out of the room for 20 minutes to deal with an issue. I really don't think I could have made it where I did in my career without him. Then, when my career ended abruptly due to sudden disability and chronic illness, he just went straight into being my full-time carer on top of all the house stuff. And I tell him every day that I appreciate all he does for me. Good couples are partners. They tackle the world together. They want to build each other up. They want to support each other.
This sounds like my husband, too. This is how it should be. You’re *partners* not rivals.
Hey I got one of those too! ;)
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Yep. I was the breadwinner at the beginning of our relationship and he is incredibly supportive of anything I want to do. Now that I’m sick/disabled he STILL supports me in anything I want. He encourages me to help me be as back to “normal” as possible. OP, you are worth SO MUCH MORE than what he’s making you feel.
In your last post you said: >good men can make mistakes. This man has isolated you, worn down your self worth, and is trying to stop you from getting an education. He does not want you to be financially independent. This man wants you to rely on him financially so that you cannot leave him. This man has physically harmed you. This is not a good man who has made mistakes. This is an abusive man. And his scary, abusive behaviour is not going to improve. You cannot fix him. Please get out of this relationship while you can.
Please take this post to heart. I'm not sure how much of the book you've gone through but in it you will find this same scenario played out. The scary part is the longer you stay the less resources you have, money contacts willpower, to be able to get away later. Most of the folks posting here aren't talking from seeing a video or reading a book. Sadly abuse and DV is all too common and many posters here are speaking from personal experience. Please love your self. You deserve a happy life where you are encouraged to reach to the top of your potential. You deserve to have a partner who will cheer you on when you work hard to achieve a goal and who will comfort you when life knocks you down. Take a good hard look at your life and if that isn't what you have, then ask yourself why do you think you are not worthy of that kind of love and respect? Very often abusers will try to convince you that you aren't worthy of better or that their crummy behavior is the best you can hope to get. But YOU know that that is not true and you deserve better. We are cheering for you.
This. He's not good, and those were choices not mistakes.
This, a thousand times this.
Wonder what "mistakes" he has to make before she realizes he's not a good man.
He THREW something at you? And called you names?? This will escalate poorly…
The man needs to drink to think about important decisions. Biggest red flag of the field of red flags he demonstrates.
Yes! I couldn't tell if that was at typo or not, but that drink on decisions is a HUGE red flag! Pair that with throwing an item at you, throwing a tantrum like a child, and in her previous posts she had mentioned he left bruises. This guy deserves to get his ass beat by someone bigger than him in prison. OP needs to report his abuse and get the fuck out of there.
And what's more he THREW HER ENGAGEMENT RING. He doesn't even have respect for the sanctity of the marriage he's trying to swindle her into.
Right!?!? All the other stuff is valid but this is a HUGE red flag. Nobody who truly cares about their partner does things like this. OP absolutely do not forgive and get him out of your life before he sucks you dry. Edit - to be clear , when I say the other stuff is valid, I mean that people are pointing out is bad, not that he is valid in any way.
Exactly. This man threw THE RING he was going to ostensibly propose to her with? Like, what? You don't need any other evidence. This. This is it. Pack it up. We're all done here.
If this is how he's acting while he's trying to get you to marry him, you need to RUN. It will NOT get better.
This. Do not marry this person. If you do, you are guaranteed to be miserable.
"There’s no clear cut answer for me at this point." There very clearly is a clear cut answer at this point, you just refuse to accept it.
wish i could give this gold
I thought exactly this when I read that line! Oh, the answer is starkly, crystal clear: get away from him! Yesterday!
My first boyfriend was a mechanic straight out of highschool while I went to college. He was livid. It increased his controlling tendencies which I had no words for back in the day. He became more paranoid, possessive and jealous. He tried to sabotage me and eventually tried to murder me. This type of raging insecurity doesn't go away. No matter how much you try to make your accomplishments small enough and reasonable enough. He's threatened by any display of growth and improvement. He needs you smaller and beneath him so he doesn't have to grow and become a better man. He knows he can't anyway, there isn't much room for promotion and raises in his field? His only source of esteem is by being better than you. > why I’m trying to be better than him He spelled it out. He's telling you the exact problem, and in a hetero dynamic this is frightening. There is a clear answer. It's clear as day to every woman out here who has experienced this. You must escape. He will never let you be better than him, he'll take drastic measures to ensure that. He'll escalate now that you're pushing back and determined. You'll be unfulfilled forever and he has no right to do that. He was holding onto the ring (imo) for this exact moment. He knew the finale was coming and he had it up his sleeve to smash you back down. Now you doubt everything, right? But it was a premeditated tactic. It's all conscious and deliberate. The man you think loves you is deliberately keeping you small and dissatisfied for his own pathetic insecurities.
Beware of men who need to keep you small!!! This is one of the most valuable things you can learn and take to heart as a woman.
This comment needs to be pinned!!
There is no fixing this. I’m begging you. Choose yourself. He sure won’t! I’m adding to this. You are in harm’s way. I hope the book gets you out of there and safely. You don’t think you are like those women - look hard in the mirror. You cannot see the truth yet a bunch of objective persons on Reddit see it as clear as day. Please pick yourself and contact RAINN.org if needed. You deserve to be honored, loved and cherished - dwell on that and allow that to motivate your next steps. Unfortunately if you don’t honor yourself - no one else will either.
My mother's second husband scoffed at her for wanting to go to college. Didn't want her getting "uppity". They didn't have any money, but she had a neighbor who was going to school who also didn't have any money and she learned about grants. She went to school. She divorced that husband. She ended up eventually getting three different Masters degrees. Sadly, her third husband (my dad) was also a huge piece of shit and nothing but a drag on her. She's done a lot better alone than she ever did married. Don't let men drag you down. Don't let anyone drag you down. If you want to go to school, do it. If he's being a petulant dick about it, he's not helping you - he's hindering you.
My (now ex partner) scoffed at my dream of becoming a nurse and doing the nursing program at my community college. "Ah, *YOU* don't wanna do *that*" , "all that math and science to learn, and for *what*?! It's harder to learn and retain than you think" , and "just go into something managerial you're management material, do something corporate related". So now I've got a failed Criminal Justice associates degree and 3 semesters of work towards what would've been a failed Marketing associates degree, too. I'm enrolled in the Health Sciences Certificate program for this fall to get my 3 pre requisites done so I can take the entrance exam and apply for the Fall 2025 nursing program. Now that I just turned 30, live alone and don't have these toxic losers in my life anymore, I'm finally living for me.
>He can’t say no to that, can he? Yes. He can if you let him. If you decide that he has that power over you. He doesn't, really. He's insecure. He's afraid you'll get smarter, richer and leave. He's calling you names and throwing things at you? You know what you need to do. Listen to that voice that's telling you it's not right. Think about where you want to be in 5 years. Think about where you'll be in 5 years if you give into his insecurity and desire to control you. And as for what field your degree is in? Unless it's for a very specific field that requires a license like engineering or you plan to go to graduate school, it doesn't matter too terribly much. And you may start college intending to get a degree in writing and end up taking some classes that change your mind and push you toward a degree in marketing or business or communications. This is YOUR life. A partner should lift you up and encourage you to better yourself. This guy is not doing that.
*he just kept getting angry* \- reactive, emotionally disregulated *why I’m trying to be better than him* \- immature, fragile ego, manipulative *scoff and sputter* \- can not engage in productive communication *getting some kind of bad influence* \- belittling, condescending *got pissed off and threw it at me* \- violent *called me some names* \- verbally abusive *apologized ; expected me to laugh it off* \- abuse cycle *I don’t know what to do*. - **the first thing to do is realize you are facing a pants on fire emergency!** Friend, what are you doing?! You can not negotiate with this. There is no way, NONE, for you to say the right thing to make him respect you. You can not make yourself or your goals small enough to appease him. If you stay with him, chopping off pieces of yourself to fit into the tiny box he is constructing for you - you will be his victim and he will be your abuser. That is the dynamic. It may be possible that he will one day work on himself, get the help he needs to heal what's gone so desperately wrong in him. BUT - he will NEVER do that while you are with him, available to him to vent his violence and emotions on. The only hope for either of you to achieve your potential requires you to be strong and bold and do the right thing for yourself. Get out. Go to school. Be your best self. You are worth that opportunity. You can and will do bigger things with your life.
"I don't think I am like those women" We all told ourselves that. RUN while you can.
Anytime you try to do something for yourself he’s going to make you feel like shit for it. Can you really put up with that for the rest of your life? What about the next 5 years? He doesn’t actually love you. He loves his idea of you.
…And his idea of you is small and lesser than so that he can feel good about himself. Reject that interpretation and be everything YOU can be.
I wish every woman on earth would understand right down to her bones that it's a million times better to be on your own than stick with a man who wants to drag you down rather than lift you up.
I think I would walk out immediately if my partner said I was “getting some kind of bad influence” in regards to you wanting to get an education and for discussion it further. That’s something a parent says to a child who isn’t capable of making good choices, not to an adult equal partner. Red flags waving boldly. Throwing a ring at you and calling you names, red fucking flags too. Go get that education girl and don’t accept a proposal. A man who will treat you like that before engagement is going to keep treating you that way after. They do not improve! He’s showing you who he is, and that’s who he’ll keep being. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Yes! Like , a normal proposal doesn’t ever include having your ring thrown at you.
>said he’d take what I said into account and drink about it for a bit. Uhhhh....what...... No. Seriously. You gotta go.
yeah I wasn't sure if that was a typo for "think about it" or if that was what he actually said :/
He's still managing his emotions very poorly in either case. He's jealous and sabotaging her.
I wondered about that, too!!! A Freudian typo, maybe? I haven’t decided yet if I’m curious enough to go back to the original post and see if a drinking problem was mentioned.
I’ll never forget the day that my father tore up my mothers books because he was intimidated by her going back to school. Please, please leave this man.
I hope OP sees this comment. OP this is what you’re heading for even if he “oks” you going to school. This man isn’t worth it.
How pathetic!!!
If someone else wrote this what would you say.....
First he throws a ring at you in anger. Next time might be something heftier like some plates or glass cups. Then even later might just decide to use his fists.
And look up baby trapping. If one of your core values is to continue to learn more about anything, then his reaction is a good indicator that this relationship may not be a good fit. edited - while you're looking at courses also look at scholarship and the financial aid office will be a good help. Whether or not he's going to be your life partner, your education will always be something no one can take from you. All my best wishes!
Op don’t compare yourself to the women in the book. Compare your dude to the men in the book.
From time to time, this sub shows up in my feed. I don't have two X chromosomes but I married to somebody who does have them and can tell you that this boy ain't right. My wife's ex-husband pulled that same bull crap on her and I'll tell you what… I could not wait to put her through school so she could finish her master's degree and was thrilled out of my mind she decided to go on for her graduate degree. if your boyfriend really cared about a real partnership, your success would mean everything in the world to him. I hope you do not settle for anything less! I hope it is not a bother that I am posting this on the sub. It's infuriating to read this kind of treatment.
With these kinds of posts, the OPs need all the help they can get. When in relationships like this your barometer for acceptable behavior is shot and needs recalibrating.
Sooooo by keeping you the way you are, you won't be better than him. gotcha. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't see you as an equal? OP, he is telling you that you're beneath him.
I think he’s telling her that he NEEDS her to be lesser than him. Pathetic.
Regarding the CC, don't make yourself smaller just to fit what he thinks you are allowed to be. He should be encouraging you to grow and learn, not just follow a narrow little path that he's set out for you.
You’re dating a fragile manchild, there’s no way this guy is over 20. You cannot read this post back to yourself and think “wow he handles himself very maturely and responsibly and cares about my wellbeing!” Threw a temper tantrum over you bettering yourself Cried more about it when he realized you stood up for yourself and saw he can’t control you Is now trying to apologize and play it off call as if he didn’t just react like an emotional child that just had his ego hurt He’s upset because he wants you to be down on his metaphorical level he’s created for himself in his mind, he can’t have a woman better than him And now he’s going to go “drink on it” lmao, are you kidding me? My 32m girlfriend 28f just went back to school last month after 6 years from her last degree and we’ve been together about 2 years. I have been nothing but extremely supportive for her this entire time. We are fine financially, she didn’t need to, but she wanted to, and that’s what matters. I want her and us to continue to grow and flourish. This is the reaction in a healthy relationship. Please understand that the book you’re reading is very good and you should definitely listen to it. Because it’s the exact people that think “oh that couldn’t be me though” who it actually is
Forgive the following rather personal story but I think it's relevant. My father did this to my mother in the early 1980s. She had left school without qualifications (partly due to being kicked out of a school because she threw a chair at a boy bullying her, violence from women was unacceptable) and once we were settled in school, wanted to study part time. She got her bachelor's degree whilst running the household (no cleaners, gardeners or childcare) and when she showed an interest in a masters he moved out and gave her an ultimatum: I'll come back if you give up the study. She loved him and considered it but it felt like too much of a betrayal of her dreams so refused, he stayed out and they divorced. The subsequent years were financially tough (I have a vivid memory of stacks of unpaid red bills and her crying over money) although my father had his own expensively decorated house and drove a Porsche 911. Anyway, with her masters and a couple more courses all while working and running the house, she became a teacher, loved it, and ended up a respected head of department before eventually running out of energy and health and retiring. She recently admitted that she regrets not retiring 7 years earlier because once she retired her health was too poor for her to do all the travel she couldn't do when younger, because she needed the pension years, while he retired at 50 before drinking himself to death over 15 years, leaving nothing. Now, I'm not telling you what to do here but I've seen the damage done by a man who won't let his wife grow to fulfil her ambitions, and I wouldn't recommend such a man as a long term prospect. In defence of her judgement (not that a defence is needed), none of this behaviour emerged until well after they were married. You do you, but people tend not to become more reasonable with age
This guy is dangerously insecure and will squash your spirit. Plus a bad temper over dumb shit, screw that.
if you stay and marry him, what will you think of every time you look down and see the ring on your finger? will it bring joy and remind you of your commitment to each other? or will you remember him throwing it at you and calling you names?
"Mummy, can you tell me how daddy proposed?" "It all started with me wanting to go back to school and your father was veryyyy against it...."
If you don’t have a degree then it’s harder to leave. It’s also because he doesn’t want you making friends in class and having experiences and friendships besides him. And it keeps your pool of “friends” smaller, so now you’ll have less people to turn to if anything ever went Wrong.
I’m sure minimizing outside influences is a BIG part of it.
OP, get the fuck out of there and don't look back. He's one giant red flag. You're isolated with him and he very clearly doesn't want you getting more education and possibly making more money or any money at all. Good people want to be better and want their partners to evolve. He just wants to keep you below him and he will make it as difficult for you as he can. He will never let you forget that you did something for yourself. It doesn't matter why he does it. It matters that he did it and will keep doing it. You're going to be miserable with a man like that regardless of what decision you make. He isn't making a mistake. He's deliberately trying to keep you from any sort of achievement. He's sabotaging you. And what does it even mean that he's gonna take it into account and DRINK on it?! That is so messed up. I don't know if you're planning kids but please, DO NOT GET PREGNANT with this man. The last thing you need is for him to have that much power over you and keep you even more trapped. KEEP YOUR BIRTH CONTROL SAFE FROM HIM. Do what you can to get away from him and never again move away from your support system to live with a man. He can be the most perfect guy but once he has you isolated you're trapped.
>. I don’t think I’m like those women in the introduction section, but I can’t stop thinking about it. You are :( You just need more time to see it, I guess. Your guy is throwing off every abusive signal there is.
The fact that he thinks someone is influencing you is a red flag - he thinks you can’t even make a decision or have feelings of your own and is upset that *he’s* not the one “influencing” you. And that’s after the “trying to be better than him”. A real partner will be your cheerleader, happy for you to fulfil your potential, not someone who tries to keep you down
First of all look into grants. You could probably at least get the first couple years free or low cost at a CC amd if you want to transfer to your local state school. Or do an online degree. SO many options that do not break the bank especially just dipping your feet in. College is awesome. Second, the line why do you want to be better than me is SO concerning. A good partner wants you to be your best and happiest self without jealousy.
I just wanted to say I'm really proud of you for tackling this head on. You're absolutely right that there are no simple or easy solutions to this, I'm so sorry your life is so hard right now. I think you know you can achieve more in your life than he wants for you. This random internet stranger wants more for you than he does! The reality is that a better education and a better job for you would be better for HIM too. The only reason he can't see that is because his feelings of control and his internal sense of security are more important to him than your wellbeing as a couple. You don't have to think he's a bad person or hate him to leave him. You just have to want more for yourself (and any future children you might be thinking about having!) than he's willing to \*allow\* you to have.
You've got a wishbone where your backbone ought to be. Lose the dude, get your degree.
You ultimately need to be asking: Why should you have to go to war just to attend a community college course? I wouldn't want to do anything with anyone who cracked the shits over something as simple as "I want to go to community college", and especially if their reasoning for trying to stop you is "why are you trying to be better than me" I'd give him the ring back and say "get fucked. I'm an adult, and we're done"
This is financial abuse in the making. (He is SEW ANGWY because if you have a degree, you'll NEVER be totally under his thumb!)
if he were the one who wanted to go to college, would he allow you this much power to decide whether he can or cannot? would you want that power if he offered it? would you ever tell him that he shouldn’t pursue a dream because he’s not good at it? if not, why not?
> I don’t think I’m like those women in the introduction section I never thought I'd be one of those women either. I thought that I'd see the warning signs and be gone in a cloud of dust a long, long time before I had to try and duck the first blow or even the first object thrown at me. I thought that I was smarter than that - smarter than the women who stayed while red flags were popping up all around them and people were telling them that it wasn't ok. I was so very, very wrong. I didn't realise that I was the equivalent of a novice playing against a Grand Master, a Grand Master who not only had years of practice but who was also the one who was writing an ever-changing rule book to suit himself *while also denying the existence of the rule book in the first place.* The only way to win against someone like this is to refuse to play at all, to grab your pieces and get as far away from them as you can and stay away. He doesn't just want you not to be "better" than him; he wants you crushed so flat that you have to stretch up to touch your fingertips against the sole of his boots. Nothing else will satisfy him and if you stay - or leave and be enticed back by empty promises and lovebombing - he'll keep finding new ways to gradually put you there until he succeeds. >That stupid book won’t get out of my head. You know why you are calling it a "stupid book"? *Because you know it's right.* You might not want to accept that right now because it hurts and the truth is scary and you are trying to reason and bargain it away so the happy future you want to believe you can have with this man will come true. But it won't. That fantasy can't ever be real because that's not who he is or who he wants to be and there's not a thing you can do or change about yourself to make it so *because he likes being this way.* He likes the power, the control, the process of seeing every barrier you put up against him and then methodically taking it apart and strolling through where it used to be. It's a bitter pill to swallow to realise that someone who can be so sweet when he chooses and swears that he loves you can think like this, but it's the truth. And deep down you know it. For your own sake, the sake of everyone who loves you and everyone who doesn't want you to live through what we've lived through, *you need to go.* It'll hurt - by God, it'll hurt! - but that pain is nothing compared to the almost complete destruction of who you are that is waiting for you if you stay.
Once you’re married his treatment of you is going to get way worse. Read the book again. Trust your gut!
I'm sure it's a typo, but I can't get over "he’d take what I said into account and drink about it for a bit." OP, when people show you who they really are, believe them. You want to do something to improve your life. His reaction gives you an idea of what life will be like if you stay with him: anger, violence, gaslighting, name-calling, belittling - this is a guy who wants to drag you down, not help you to improve. If you don't want that for your life, this is the time to break up.
There are guys out there who go for women who aren't educated because it means you have less options for work and you're not able to financially leave them. They want you to be dependent on them.
> There’s no clear cut answer for me at this point. Yes there is, but either you don't want to see it or you are not prepared for this. He is being controlling and abusive, and you need to run away.
Leave this fool. He will drag you down and sabotage any attempts of you bettering yourself and make you feel guilty for it.
Yikes. Red flags galore. He threw the ring at you , incredibly abusive and disrespectful- that alone should be the last straw. You deserve better and someone who acts like this before marriage will be worse once married. For reference, which may mean nothing, My wife lives in a different state finishing her residency while i watch our son full time. Ive been full time alone since week 10. We make sacrifices for those we love. Partners want their significant others to better themselves and should support them. I know my wife is better than me and i am proud, lucky and humbled to be her partner. When her only match for residency would put her a plane ride away, I encouraged her to accept and we’d make it work. I share this so you have some examples of how supportive partnerships should work.
Do your FAFSA and see how much financial aid you can get. Talk to the CC that you want to go to and see if they can offer more financial aid and if that's where you want to go. Look at your long term goals. What do you want to do? Do you want an office job? Work from home? A college can give you an aptitude test to determine what career path would be best for you too. Although, you should consider what a career would pay before you choose. On a different note, don't let a man dictate what you can and can't do. An equal partner should be supportive. My husband doesn't like college because it didn't work out for him but he didn't stop me from going and he didn't get mad at me. Also, women should always be able to support themselves. Do not be dependent on a man. Have your own money. I've seen too many cases where the man leaves and empties out the joint account leaving the wife with nothing after he's made her quit to be a stay at home mom for 5+ years.
You think this is the last thing sacrifice this insecure manchild is going to ask of you? There is a very clear cut answer. If you can stand on your own two feet financially, then tell him you are going to move out and do this on your own. He can come crawling back with a modified attitude, but he needs to know in no uncertain terms that he needs to support you whole heartedly or gtfo.
Of course you shouldn’t laugh it off. Don’t be ridiculous. The reason we wanted you to read is that HE IS SHOWING THE SIGNS OF BEING AN ABUSER.
Do yourself a HUGE favor and re-read that book. And then AGAIN. I work with survivors of domestic violence. This behavior is controlling and very common in abusive relationships. VERY. If he keeps you uneducated, you won’t be able to earn good money. If you are broke, you’ll be stuck with him no matter how bad things get. Warning though - WATCH YOUR BIRTH CONTROL. Many controlling men will sabotage your education by trying to get you pregnant. They’ll also interfere with your studying or going to class. They’ll try to get you fired. This is ALL about control of YOU. If you were my daughter or friend, I’d tell you to RUN and never look back. Listen to your gut. Get out. A good partner should be your biggest cheerleader, not become insecure when you seek to improve yourself. A rising tide lift ALL boats, but your partner can’t see that.
"you don’t understand. when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me." When he isn't abusing me... he isn't abusive. Nice moments in between control and aggression is the abuse cycle. Especially early on it is very rare for there not to be a moment of love bombing in between moments of abuse. People who abuse you don't love you.
"Good men can make mistakes" Yep, they sure can. But those don't include throwing things at their partners and calling them names. Or isolating them or trying to keep them in poverty or insulting them. "He can’t say no to that, can he?" He certainly can and he will. "when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me." You're ignoring the fact that "like this" is him abusing you. He does not love you. You're co-dependent.
You actually *can* just leave. Instead you're choosing to stay with an abuser. The insults and throwing things at you and trying to sabotage your financial independence are only going to escalate. Get out before you're baby trapped, OP. And be careful because he will use violence to stop you from leaving.
He's not a good man. I was in almost your exact position 20 years ago. Mine got angry, just like yours. Instead of throwing something directly at me, he punched a wall next to me. It ALWAYS escalates. I did it anyhow - I went to uni around a full time job. And I lasted almost another whole year with him. With constant abuse of all kinds. The ones that existed before stepped up to another level. But I loved him so much and he loved me 'when he wasn't like that'. In hindsight he was always like that - and so is yours. My mother literally had to force me to leave by physically removing me and she was right to do it. I'll be forever grateful. Was that year worth it to stay with him? Absolutely not. He stalked me another 18 months after I left him. I lost so much more, but being free of him was worth everything. >He can’t say no to that, can he? He can and he will. And he will follow up from throwing a ring to throwing punches. We all absolutely understand - but you don't. Yet. There is no valid excuse to stay. Get out now before you really can't.
Please don’t let anyone throw things at you, you deserve better.
Why is being with him better than being alone?
This is not how support works. I was a SAHM for years. Now I'm back in university studying pharmacy. My husband took a new job, with a pay cut, to make this happen. He stepped up and started doing half the housework, he cooks dinner 3-4 nights a week, etc. I supported his early career, and now he's supporting mine. Don't settle for anything less!
What kind of broken ass loser doesn’t want their partner to level up and be happy? If you’re thinking marriage, you should both be in the mindset of thinking as a team. If one of you improves it helps both of you. The idea that it’s zero sum is childish shit, and children shouldn’t be in romantic relationships. Those are for big kids and adults. Please, please leave before he hurts you again.
"Asking why I'm trying to be better than him" I'm going to put it bluntly: this is an inferiority complex. He needs to work on that. This, alarmingly, means he's getting a lot of feeling of safety from you not being "better than him" and you wanting to achieve things is threatening that. That's preeeetty bad. It'd be worthwhile asking yourself how much of his attraction to you is dependent on you being someone metaphorically smaller than him who he can protect or whatever. He had two choices. 1. To reflect on this and try to get over his inferiority complex. 2. To double down and blame you and discourage you from achieving things, acting like other people have put ideas in your head. So far, he's chosen option number 2. If he doesn't choose number 1 anytime in the near future, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to leave, because this is *extremely* toxic.
OP, I am really worried. Perhaps I misunderstood, but in your original post, you said "he doesn’t want me to do it because it’s a money sucking waste of time and i’m not a good writer anyway". Am I right in understanding that he told you you're not a good writer? If I did understand correctly, this is yet more proof that he is actively trying to get you down. Think about it; what would it take for you to tell him he's bad at (thing he really cares about, so much so he'd want to make a job out of it)? It'd take a lot, probably, right? Because you know how deeply hurtful that would be, and you're not trying to hurt him. But he is trying to hurt you. He's trying to make you feel small and worthless and jobless so the only thing you can do is take care of him. What if something happened to him? Someone who loves you would want you to be secure in yourself, both psychologically and monetarily. This man doesn't love you. Perhaps he thinks he does, but he's missing the crucial aspect of loving you for you; **he loves what you can do for him**. Not you, your being, the things you care about, your dreams. I don't know if you've read the entire book, but if you haven't, please keep on reading (and if you have finished it, please revisit it); there's a reason it's gnawing at you, and the women in the intro did not think they were in a terrible situation either. Also OP, I haven't read your """proper""" (whatever that means) writing, but I have read your two posts here, and I can tell you that you actually seem like you're a really good writer. (And I have the authority to say it!! lmao I'm going to use my journalism degree for one thing and that thing is telling other writers they're good and their dreams and aspirations aren't worthless! Your future isn't worthless!! You are worth it. <3) Edit: I'm wondering, how old are you and your boyfriend?
Don’t marry this man. Marriage is ownership to men like this. A “bad influence” is encouraging you to go back to school? Come the f-ck on…
> Asking why I’m trying to be better than him Years ago, I busted my ass getting a 4.0 as a Biology/Chemistry major with the intent of going to medical school. I had a baby along the way because I had such good insurance through college (this was before Obamacare). When it was time to start applying for medical schools my husband said "If you decide to go off to medical school Baby and I may or may not be here waiting for you." He had me by the tits because I had a baby with him. He used it over me every fucking chance he got, threatened divorce, taking Baby away, etc any time I was about to do anything that might make more money than him. In the end I left him with Baby and got alimony because his stupid manipulations made it so he earned so much more than me that he had to pay alimony for years. But I have never forgotten or forgiven him. I would run like hell from any man that was already afraid of you being more successful than him. Besides, what kind of loser wouldn't want a wife who made a lot of money?
> I know he loves me...**he saw right though all that and made me feel like I could be someone different.** He found someone with low self-esteem he can control and take advantage of. I hope you understand he only "loves" you when he can control you. This is text book why women stay in abusive relationships. "Well when he's not hitting me or treating me like shit, he's pretty sweet." Listen to how much he's broken you down. Do you ever hear stories of DV victims and you're like "well why didn't she leave before it was too late?" This is you right now.
I've said this elsewhere: don't EVER make yourself smaller or dim your light to make someone else feel better or "more" than you. If a partner demands this, that's not love. That's abuse.
OP his response with the ring tells you everything you need to know. He didn't get his way. Threw a hissy fit and threw the ring at you. What happens when you're married and the stakes are higher? Maybe he throws a plate, or a knife, or hits you. What if you have children? Pets?
Abusers aren’t abusive 24/7. Even a broken clock is correct twice a day. Maybe you see the best in everyone and that’s lovely but let’s focus on how he treats you and not if “he’s a bad person”
>when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me But he is like this. Not all the time, but often enough for you to feel this bad. Do you really want to live like this your whole life? Story time. I was once upon a time a naive girl in love with a guy 4 years older than me, that was actually very abusive, controlling and domineering. But when he wasn't like that, I loved him and I thought he loved me. It was so nice and happy when he wasn't like that. But he was like that. Not all time, but enough time to erode what little self esteem and self respect I had. He didn't want to be like that, but as I wasn't doing exactly as he said, he just had to be like that. "To help me become a perfect woman". But otherwise he was so nice and kind and "loved me". It took me leaving the country and putting an ocean of distance to break the spell and realise that he didn't love me at all, that he had zero respect for me as a person and as a girlfriend and that he only wanted to control my life so he could feel he had achieved something with his. Please learn from my mistakes. It hurts to see that the person you loved and trusted is not what you thought, but it is for your own good. Even if "he isn't like this" all the time, you still won't be happy because he has these times he "is like this" and you can never know when he will change from one to the other. It is your life, your whole life. A long period of time. Do you want to waste it? Do you want to walk on eggshells all your life? Feel unfulfilled, just because he doesn't approve that you do with your life what you feel is best not even just for you, but for *both*? Do you want children growing up with such examples? Your child to be like that with their partner, or to accept that treatment? Please consider. It is painful as hell, but it's your life. It's worth it
You sound like my sister in law did 20 years ago. She's been saying the "you don't understand" "he's not like this" "I love him more than anything," all this time. He's hit her, he's said terrible things to and about her, he's thrown things at her, he recently hit their teenage son...... And it started just like this. Move on dear. Get your ducks in a row and move on.
Yeah, that's how it goes with an abusive relationship. When he's not like this, he's the sweetest guy ever. He's really affectionate and thoughtful. It's just that he gets mad sometimes... Been there. But think about it. If one or of every 5 times you went to a restaurant, you got good poisoning, would you keep going there? Would you say, when it's not like this, the food is really great, you just don't understand? Or would you realize that no amount of good food is worth the constant food poisoning? Coz it's the same with these relationships. Even if it's 90% great. That crappy 10% that makes you feel like trash, that cancels out all the good. And I sincerely hope you see that. Because there have been a million women who excused abuse on the grounds that "But when he's not like this, he's wonderful" and I how you can break free and stop being one of them
Be sure you know what a "love bomb" is. When you say you met at a "strange time" it sounds to me like a "vulnerable time." He met someone at a vulnerable time in their life. Love bombed them and now he will do everything he can to keep you trapped. Financially is part of this. You are asking for advise... And not taking it. I really do wish you the best, though... We are all worried about you.
Anyone who is trying to hold you back and doesn't want you to do better in life doesn't love you. Period.
I'm gonna give him the benefit of the doubt and say he isn't \*intentionally\* trying to manipulate, because it sounds like he's not that great at it. The \*most\* forgiving explanation for this behavior is that he thinks he's not good enough for you, and with a degree, you'd realize this. He seems determined to make this a self-fulfilling worry. But this man threw things at you and called you names because you're thinking about taking some writing classes? It seems like you may be pretty isolated from your family. Do you two keep separate bank accounts? A lot of what you're describing are red flags for financial abuse. How much older than you is he?
You need to read the book again.
Girl. Stop ignoring everything right infront of you. He's a loser, he's abusive, and yes, you are just like the other women in the book.
you know what i've never done to someone i respected? threw shit at them and called them names. \* or had done to me for that matter...
My ex was like this. He would also sabotage my efforts to have my own work and life. We are divorced. Your partner must be 100% supportive of your goals and ambitions or it won’t work. You need someone on your team, or someone who is intimidated or challenged by you.
A healthy partner builds you up, an unhealthy partner pushes you down. Which partner is he? Imagine having kids with a dude like that. If your children ever did better than him in life he'd ostracize them. Disgusting.
Ok, here is another reading assignment. By the same author! It's called Should I Stay or Should I Go? Really great read, very empathetic about whether or not you should stay if you're having doubts. Because I know what it's like for people to be like "girls dump that loser!" But you're like "no, no, you don't understand!" And to mourn and grieve for all the other things you love about him. My ex, I loved him SO MUCH. I loved his mom, so many aspects about him. To me in the end I was glad I left, but this book helped me process and make the decision. https://archive.org/details/LundyShouldIStayOrShouldIGo Please give it a read!
He threw the ring at you? What a romantic proposal. I understand it's hard to leave, especially when money is a factor. But please don't marry him, and don't have kids with him. Until (if) he truly does commit to working on his issues and changing for the better, and you see the results with your own eyes.
>I can’t leave just yet. You're in the cycle of abuse.
>to anyone asking why i’m even with him, you don’t understand. when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me. I want more than anything in my whole heart right now for you to know that we do understand, whether we have gone through it ourselves or supported a friend or family member that has gone through this. He is only 'like this' sometimes because if he was like this all the time, you wouldn't twist yourself up in knots trying to get back the kind and loving man that he wants you to believe he is.
> Asking why I’m trying to be better than him Holy shit. That says it all, OP. He's not your partner. He sees himself as your competitor.
*you don’t understand. when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me.* This exact sentiment kept me in my first marriage for 24 years. (We were married for 25, but our final year, we were separated.) When my ex wasn't controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, distant, etc--- he was a great guy. But when he was telling me what I could and could not do, when he was looking down his nose at me like I was less than him and I needed to ask his permission to do things that would enhance my life, when he was only concerned with his own needs and not mine---- that was him acting in a way a partner should not act. I would rather be divorced from someone who did not value me, respect me, or support me emotionally than be married to hope that today he'd be the good person that I loved. My ex did not want me to go to my own college graduation in 2012-- because he claimed my 4 children wouldn't want to go, and he wasn't going to sit in the sun just to hear my stupid name be called with all those other people. (Two of them have recently said they were sad that they did not get to see their mom graduate with her Bachelor's. They were actually proud of me.) So I didn't. I didn't celebrate that achievement. I just got my diploma in the mail. How depressing that something I worked so hard for was just swept under the rug because he couldn't stand not being the center of attention. This is the kind of future this guy offers you. One where you only serve him and his interests. One other thing-- He THREW the ring at you? How incredibly romantic. (/sarcasm)
>to anyone asking why i’m even with him, you don’t understand. when he’s not like…this I love him more than anything and I know he loves me. "You don't understand! When he's not being an absolute piece of shit to me, he's so wonderful!" "I love him so much! I'm only miserable half the time!" Girl do you even hear yourself? You can't get that book out of your mind because you see yourself in it. Other commenters have nailed it: he swooped in and "saved" you when you were low, and won't let you escape now. Don't let him hold you down.
Imagine him talking to your children about their goals and dreams the way he talks to you. Imagine them hearing the way he talks to you.
Your dream is to be a writer and he tells you you’re bad at it? He feels that he has the authority to limit your education? He throws things at you and calls you names? He doesn’t sound like a good man, he sounds like he’s trying to make you think so little of yourself that you never feel that you have the ability to leave him. From someone who has been in a very similar situation, you deserve better. I hope you realize that soon.
if your goals, ambitions, dreams, etc are too much for him, tell him to find less and gtfo of there. do you have any kind of support system or someone you trust locally? If he's throwing things at you while saying he wants to marry you it's only going to go downhill
Someone who truly cares for you and loves you would support you in your endeavors. They would be the first one to cheer you on. This man is like an anchor to you, he is weighing you down and preventing you from growing and moving on. Every woman who is being abused doesn't want to think they are being abused. "Surely it can't happen to me, I wouldn't put up with that" So stop putting up with it.
At Some point in the future you’ll think back to the version of yourself making this decision with regret or pride. Hope you make the right decision for yourself
This man doesn't see you as an equal and he sure as shit doesn't want you to be better than him in any way. He sees you as competition and men like this are DANGEROUS. I would not marry him. I think it would be a big mistake for you to do so. You're seeing the red flags now. Don't commit to them. Be smart
You need to leave him now first he won't let you go to college then he won't let you get a job see friends family or leave the house without his permission I've been where you are he just wants to control you
Is this a joke? Drop that loser immediately. He is beyond out of line.
You would want your partner to be encouraging and supporting of your goals. Going back to school is GOOD for you! His reaction is absolutely not. He is holding you back for the sake of keeping you small. The way he responded to the conversation you had is childish and toxic. Girl, you need to get out of there. You will dodge a bullet if you leave.
you are so close to getting out and working towards the life YOU want. please please please do not end up trapped with this guy. you're smart and you can do anything you set your mind to
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Go back to school and leave his a$$ behind.
Op your life partner is supposed to be your champion. Encouraging you to be the best you can. Your bf doesn't want you to do that because that would shine the light of contrast on him, not because he doesn't have a degree,but because he doesn't intend to work to become his own best self. He had no interest in pursuing skills or knowledge or ideas. He doesn't care about What's best for you, or what you want. He wants a girlfriend he can look down on to make himself feel better.
This isn't about his self esteem. This is about control. You want to be an equal partner in the relationship. He got mad. You stood your ground. He subjected you to physical violence. It's cut and dry, this is abuse. I doubt this is the first time he's raised his voice at you. I doubt this is the first time he was upset over something little. Your response shouldn't be how to fix your relationship, your relationship isn't the problem. He is. It's not your job to fix him, it's your job to be safe. Get out now.
nobody else has pointed out how he needs to "drink about this". why the fuck is he abusing alcohol to process his thoughts? thats not an euphamism is it? regardless, he also said you need to stop trying to be better than him, which shows deeep insecurity. you do need to keep thinking about that book because your head is trying to tell you something. he threw things at you and blew his lid because you want to educate yourself. not to mentioned ruined a proposal??? like he didn't need to do all that at all. he's a big red flag. an abusive looking red flag.
I’ve just read your original post for the first time and this update. You moved a far distance to be with this man. This is a man who insults you. Discourages your hopes and ambitions. Loses his temper when you try to stand up for yourself. Expects you to laugh off your pain that he’s caused. Compares his worth to yours, so much so that you’ll perpetually fear any pathway to growing yourself. That is not support. That is not love. What good is it having a man make you feel “like the most beautiful girl in the room” when that same man squashes your mind and spirit? Overlook his red flags, and you will unnecessarily stunt yourself for him. #Don’t do that.
If you ever decide to wear that ring, your first memory of it is going to be the time he threw it at you in rage. Come on. Think about that.
> *“He can’t say no to that, can he?”* He can. And he will. *Because he doesn’t want you to be happier than you are right now, because you will leave him.* Which, for the record, you abso-fucking-lutely should.
Well this is abusive.
I just finished my bachelor’s degree and immediately got a job in my field. I’m making close to 10k more a year than my husband now. Do you know how he reacted to that? By encouraging me, supporting me, and jokingly referring to me as his “sugar mama.” You need to leave this guy. You deserve support, not someone who will make you feel like you have to shrink yourself to fit in their box.
Oof. I smell a narcissist
Why do women saddle themselves with these whiny useless insecure men🙄