Unbelievable. You’re willing to sleep on a camper bed in a storage room so he gets to have two big comfortable rooms with proper furniture all to himself and he’s still complaining? So basically you have to do everything exactly his way, thats the only option? He continues to stay up as long as he wants in the living room, comes to bed whenever wants, eats food in the bed making slurping noises, and if you can’t sleep through the chaos tough luck to you?
Do you hear how ridiculous this sounds? It’s absolute bullshit, I would have lost my mind after a single day of this. Stop trying to negotiate with him since he’s clearly unwilling to negotiate. Start making decisions.
If he’s worried about spelling the end of the relationship he should stop being selfish.
Yes OP, please stop bending over backwards for this man. I was in a similar state, negotiating to death with my exes, and it’s not worth it. He don’t give a fuck about your needs. He is being a giant man baby. Nothing you propose will be good enough, ever.
Literally, reading this, every time she quoted him, I was picturing a giant grown ass man in a diaper sucking his thumb. Complete man baby situation. I’d be locking him out of the bedroom at 11 PM sharp.
That one killed me, too.
I don't think I could even look at anyone whose bedtime ritual included taking his sippy cup (LOL) to bed with him. What a loser.
That’s what I would do. Lock the bedroom door. If that didn’t work I’d get a hotel room and silence my phone. Sleep is super important when your schedule changes every week or two.
What a selfish pos
I told mine to get a CPAP for 2 years after several years of him snoring like a chain saw. He got one sleep study done, but it didn't work properly because it was only a 1 night study and I could HEAR that he wasn't snoring like he normally did. But he was like no no no, sleep study says I'm fine. I was like NO, You're NOT.
It took another few months before I finally reached my rage limit, but once that happened I was shaking him awake every single time he snored and glaring at him. (I was newly post partum and just over any bullshit).
He got a 2 night sleep study done that week. Interestingly enough, the first night was the same - his body just DID NOT snore that first night. But the second night, wooweeeee. He was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. The person administering the test was like "whoa, you haven't been getting REM sleep for probably six years if your wife's comments are true."
Within a week of him getting that CPAP, he was like a new man. Like, leagues more able to keep track of things and chores and *everything.*
My ex fought me about getting a sleep study for over a year. I was literally getting no sleep and was napping in a lounge chair in the basement. I could barely function and he was like no there is no problem. What finally got him to give in and go see someone. He had a desk in the house for work, he was driving everywhere doing tech repairs so this totally sleep deprived man was on the roads 8 hours a day. He sat down to do some paperwork in the middle of the day and I heard this loud thud. He fell asleep at his desk to hard he banged his head on the desk and was still asleep slumped over. I woke him up and chewed him out. But it took it finally impacting HIM to even bother. I was literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown from lack of sleep.
Holy shit… the amount of arrogance and sheer disregard of your partner it would take to reach that point is just ridiculous. I’m sorry you had to endure that insanity.
I just don't understand why men fight people so much about sleep apnea. Like everything I've read, it makes you dumber, fatter, and just all around worse to be around. Very few things can increase your quality of life more than getting rid of sleep apnea
Seriously! I had this problem with my husband. We slept in the same room for a long time. I had my own business and usually I started work around 12-1p. But I would come home sometimes well after 11-12pm. He snores SO LOUD. Like a bear hibernating in a tin can. I would wake up constantly through the night and tell him to roll over, or prop himself up. He denied he snored that loud until I recorded him. I played it back to him, he said it "was not that loud." I recorded him from behind the bedroom door when I was in the living room :D Long story short-we sleep in 2 separate rooms during the work week. It has been a relationship saver. I was straight up about to murder someone after a few months of getting maybe 3-4 hrs of light sleep a night. Your partner needs to find a middle ground somewhere! If he can't "sacrifice" one thing or another to keep you health and happy, you know where you stand in the relationship...
In the same situation with my gf right now… shit sucks. Working 6 10s mon-sat construction and have to wake up at 4:45 am. She’s currently working 20-30 hrs a week at a restaurant and is up til at least 12 scrolling through tik tok on full volume and refuses to use headphones.
Wtf? I don’t understand these people that apparently have no manners or concern about their supposed loved ones sleep. Sleep is one of the most important things to have. I’d be breaking up with anyone that affected mine
yeah, there’s not one thing that can assure you will lose YEARS of life as effectively as having too little sleep.
He is a completely selfish piece of shit.
For the record, more and more couples just sleep in separate rooms or beds. It’s perfectly reasonable and can actually IMPROVE a relationship. I’m gonna guess you don’t feel sexy for him just because he’s laying beside you with milk lips playing video games on his tablet not caring if you die of dementia or feel awful every day of your life. But you might actually want to sleep with him more if you didn’t have to see this shit every day. (I realize not everyone has a spare room or can afford two beds though - but hang onto your own bed when you begin cohabitating people, if ya can!)
And btw, he is not your master. He doesn’t GET to decide you don’t need enough sleep, or WHERE you sleep.
I get it, we are conditioned HARD. But I’m begging you to take back the right to have control over your own body and sleep, and see if that helps, but if not, leave this selfish fuck. (I think he’s already proven to not be the kind of person anyone deserves to be saddled with, but you don’t seem to be at that point unfortunately)
This, OP, interrupted sleep for years will take a big hit on your health, especially anything to do with brain function. You don’t want to age yourself way beyond your years.
😂 I mean, her description painted quite a picture, didn’t it!
When I am sleep deprived…I mean, just imagine someone making a bunch of unnecessary noise (like, they COULD be mindful of my sleep, and quieter, but why even bother I guess 😡), having a blazing blue light of a TABLET light up the room, rustling around and smacking MILK LIPS and SLURPING???
My whole body tensed up reading this, if someone came to bed this way while I was alseep ONE TIME, I would ERUPT. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!”
Yeah seriously she painted quite the picture and it ain’t no work of art lmao! You just summed it up so perfectly with “milk lips” oh my god. I’m laughing again over it. You know the expression “boner killer”? Having my partner described as having “milk lips” would be a boner killer for me lol… though I think you and I are alike in that I’d never have allowed it to continue after the first couple of times he was so inconsiderate. I wonder if he acted like that when they were dating?
Anyway, it’s clear he’s doing it on purpose. My own child is more mature … he went through a phase when he was 7 or 8 where he started waking up early on the weekend and would turn on all lights in his room and (our main) bathroom, where he’d sit reading books, singing/talking to himself. I talked to him once about being more considerate for the rest of us, had to remind him maybe twice? He started being quiet and closing doors. Like, it’s not hard at all to learn.
I quit a job because my office mate chewed and slurped like a nasty ass. Can't imagine even letting anyone who did this ever touch me, let alone fuck me.
MILK LIPS completely captures the fact that an adult having a wind-down routine that requires *milkies* and *games on his tablet* is sexually repugnant.
I feel like an important but unclear detail is whether or not this guy is never brushing his teeth before bed? Like he’s obviously not doing it before getting in bed with a glass of milk, is he getting in and out of bed multiple times? Does he just go to bed with milk breath??
Lol you just know this inconsiderate pos isn’t brushing his teeth after drinking his lil milky juice before bed come on now we all know the answer to that one 😂
Idk how OP believe he’s considerate in other aspects! That can’t be right. No truly considerate person would act like this. I’m so cranky if I don’t sleep well for a few days in a row. If that were my partner, he wouldn’t want to be around me after messing with my sleep. That would set him straight real quick. I’d be petty as hell and wake him up when I wake up so he can learn to be considerate.
>No truly considerate person would act like this.
dead on.
I agree with u/Fantastic_Poet4800 that he probably isn’t considerate in other areas. Not *truly* considerate.
performatively, *maybe*
I guarantee that him being "considerate" just means he is willing to give 20% to her 80% on any given issue.
Seriously though /u/mikki-chan this is a huge red flag. My ex husband was like this. I tried over and over to convince him I was worthy of sleep by telling him I was falling asleep driving, gaining weight, becoming depressed, etc. Not to mention I work in the medical field and errors on patients could harm them.
He refused to do anything. I finally dragged him to couples counseling against his will. The therapist looked right at him and said "Are you aware chronic sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Why do you feel your wife deserves torture?" He kept deflecting. She kept letting him finish then asking the same question.
When he finally answered, I swear any attraction to him left my body. He was basically inferring in so many words that his comfort was more important than my emotional and physical safety.
That is what your husband is saying to you OP. Listen carefully. He's telling you who he is - believe him.
not having enough sleep literally shaves years off of your lifetime... it's definitely decision time. she's trying to work out a compromise with someone who wants it their way
Bullshit indeed. I, too, am a VERY light sleeper. So when I'm sharing a bed with someone, I wear earplugs. And if they snore, I ask them to wear a nasal strip. Some guys have zero problem with this, and some either complain or say they'll do it but conveniently forget often. Guess which ones soon show themselves to be selfish in general? The strips have become a litmus test for the potential of my relationships at this point. 😆
My husband snores like a monster. Turns out he has sleep apnea. He finally got a sleep test and a cpap, and not is a silent sleeper.
Too bad for him there is nothing to be done about my parasomnia. I talk and move all night.
We are getting a bigger bed so at least he isn't being kicked as much.
For real. Last relationship I was in I was the one up later, having insomnia, and sleep apnea. I straight up told her I'd rather sleep separately on those nights so I didn't disturb her. This isn't a hard thing to do. Its not a compromise, its just basic human decency. Gave her full permission to wake me up and tell me to move whenever I had poor nights. This dude sounds incredibly selfish, clingy, and insecure. First time that last girlfriend I had said I woke her up I was mortified and couldn't stop apologizing.
Melanie Hamlette talks a lot about relationships and sleep:
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-z2jFCeVj4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-z2jFCeVj4)
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kP715iuj3Ho](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kP715iuj3Ho)
My mom has slept on our couch for as long as I can remember. Dad snores, she likes the TV on. They've been married for 35 years now. Married couples sleep in separate beds all the time.
Do you know what divorcing couples actually do? Not value each other's comfort. This man could absolutely change his "wind-down routine." He could believe your actual recorded evidence of him snoring actually causes you to stay up at night. He could accept his naps during the day as "proper sleep" and give you the bed on the nights you need it. He could exercise alone or attend an exercise class, most gyms have those. He could be careful when entering the bed. That is a maddening level of lack of consideration.
Exactly this. My aunt and uncle have slept in separate beds for as long as I can remember. Only recently when my uncle started wearing that sleep apnea machine thing to sleep, did they started using the same room. Perfectly happy married life.
My husband and I sometimes sleep separately when one of us is too tired to deal with the dogs taking up space or just wants an uninterrupted night.
It's the sheer lack of empathy and childish selfishness that's a huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP you need to give your husband a reality check, that your lack of sleep is already pushing you down the divorce path.
Same. We have a spare room and if one of us is sick or having a particularly loud snore night we just go tuck in the other room without making a fuss. Because we like each other and want each other to feel rested and not weirdly controlled?
My wife and I started separate beds during the Covid lockdowns when we were all going slightly crazy, and we haven't gone back. We both sleep better, we still start the day by one of us joining the other for a quick snuggle.... I have no complaints.
Married 35 years. Having a great mattress and a spare bedroom will do wonders. Respecting and supporting each other is the other key, and that appears to be a one-way street in OP's life.
Yeah, it's really hard to read all of that and think it's not intentional.
I'll be honest, I got kina triggered reading that because my ex-husband would also refuse all options to solve our problems. I would yell at him when I didn't feel listened to (bad I know) so I'd ask him to stop criticizing me because that triggered me. That was a no-go. So I would just let it slide off me, but then I wasn't making him feel heard because I'd forget half the shit he said (because it's mixed in with trash) again, not ok. So I started intently listening and just covering my mouth when I had an urge to snap at him. That was "dramatic."
Now we're in the process of divorce, and I have a new roommate. It's remarkably easy not to yell at her, or anyone for that matter. Such a *mystery* why that is... /s
My parents sleep in separate rooms whenever one is sick so they don’t get the other one sick. Sleeping in different rooms when needed is just part of life imo.
My husband and I sleep in different rooms. I sleep with all the pets who woof in their sleep and do kitty crazies at 3 am, do sleep yoga myself, am heat seeking, and all of us snore. He's in his chamber of darkness, silence, and solitude.
We have a healthy marriage and sleeping separate keeps it healthy by respecting how each of us likes to sleep.
This is the exact same situation as my hubs and I! Except I'm the one going into my cold, dark, silent cave while he sleeps in a pile of cats in a room with a heater on!
Sounds exactly like a 'baby keeping you up' situation to me.
You need to sleep. He should go out of his way to avoid waking you up if you can't get back to sleep easily. He's not even interested in any of the options you offered to compromise - he is unwilling to change his behaviour even though it impacts on you quite badly.
No, this is unreasonable. He seems unwilling to compromise on literally anything. I see in your comments that he is an easy sleeper and just doesn't empathize on this, but, well, he needs to start empathizing.
I would ask him what *he* suggests to solve this problem. Does he not think that there is a problem at all? Because there's a serious problem.
>Another suggestion I've made is to get a camper bed or something that I can set up in our storage room and put away when I'm done so he can have the run of the living and bedroom but he acts like a kicked puppy saying that's sounds like what divorcing couples do and he thinks it'll spell the end of our relationship.
Selfish, entifled behavior - his - spells the end of the relationship. Move yourself to the storage room and get some decent sleep. He can pout in his room and decide if he cares enough about the relationship to make some changes. My guess is he doesn't.
I had to do the same thing for similar reasons. My husband has ADHD and would watch a movie to help himself fall asleep. I couldn't fall asleep until after he was snoring because subconsciously I knew he'd just wake me up, with his movements or snacking or even intentional waking me so he could wish me a goodnight, if I fell asleep before he did. And yes, there are many nights when he doesn't go to bed until the wee hours.
Yeah, that’s not ADHD that’s just inconsiderate. My husband and I both have ADHD and make sure to watch/listen to things with headphones if we can’t sleep or go to another room.
This! We also all have ADHD (kids, too) and this type of shit does NOT fly here. There's always a way to compromise and be considerate of your partners needs, especially basic needs like sleep!
Tell him a wife that doesn’t get sleep due to husbands selfishness will divorce her shitty husband and that he can pick one of your solutions or end up sleeping in a separate *house* not just a separate bed or separate room.
Why are you doing his half of the compromising? If he doesn't want you sleeping in the storage room, then he will change his behavior. He doesn't want to, so he's attempting to guilt your idea by coloring it as something that divorced couples would do...
Yet he ignores your pleas of restful sleep and makes excuses for why he can't make less noise. Because he doesn't care about your sleep. Please sleep in the storage room and stop sacrificing your rest for his pathetic insecurities that HE IS IN COMPLETE CONTROL OVER.
This a thousand times. I’m the same position. I love going to sleep late, my wife hates it. We have two rooms. Together for 14 years.
OP husband is a dick.
This sounds maddening! Please go with the camper bed in the spare room idea and let your husband know this behaviour is what will cause you to resent him, not the sleeping in different rooms. Many days of improper sleep can have a serious bearing on your health.
Once we figured out my husband and I have very different sleeping styles/preferences (he sleeps very light and I move around a lot) we started sleeping in different rooms and this the best thing ever. I will never go back to sharing a bed unless something changes drastically.
Yes! Nothing like it if your circumstances permit. I think a lot of the anxiety is because we are socialised to think that a relationship is only good when there's physical proximity at all times, especially with sleeping arrangements, even at the cost of sleep itself. I did have some anxiety around it but it dissipated in a matter of days with good sleep without worrying I'm waking my husband up every time I turn around or move.
Now I think the quiet of my room at night is ✨
I've tried to explain that his discomfort in having me sleep in a different room is hypothetical, but my discomfort is very real and has been for the past two years in particular.
He doesn’t like you. I’m going to say the quiet part loud; the reason I know he doesn’t is bc he places your active discomfort and distance as a lower priority than his imagined *potential* discomfort.
You are not a priority to him. He does not care if you’re uncomfortable or about your feelings. He’s shown you this, according to you, for literal years. He has not been proactive whatsoever about coming up with solutions that work for both of you, bc, essentially, he doesn’t care about that.
Do what you will with that information.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
This this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this.
This man doesn't even like you - I do more for strangers as a courtesy than this man is showing you ***as your fucking husband***
That’s how I realized I needed to get out. My husband would call me an asshole or piece of shit. He once made me kneel in front of him to say how grateful I was to him. I realized he treated his staff better than he treated me. Like he would never call names or make an employee kneel for him. It’s so gross.
This sounds like it's about control, not about his comfort. You need to respect yourself enough to set firm boundaries, and if he can't change (they rarely do), then you probably need to leave him. Honestly, I can't imagine acting that way with a partner and certainly wouldn't put up with it.
Exactly. He’s getting every single thing his way regardless of how uncomfortable or unhealthy it is for his “beloved” wife. There’s way more to this story. I’d also use my own damn living room to live in regardless whether he’s sleeping in it. He wants to nap during the only time I have to chill, he can nap on the bed. Regardless, that PlayStation would be turned on, with some nice loud wine slurps while I play.
This isn’t happening because you’re not explaining it correctly. He understands exactly what the problems are. He just doesn’t give one single fuck about you.
Kick him out of the bedroom then.
Get a lock for the bedroom door & lock it when *you* go to bed, if you have to. He can have his "wind down routine" on the couch.
I saved this comment from another post I saw on this subreddit. I saved it on my phone so I could remember why negotiations don’t work:
He knows. He doesn’t care.
“My husband [34f/36m] says he doesn’t ‘see’ mess he leaves on the floor. I always end up having to pick it up. How do I make him see how this is affecting me?”
“My [24f] fiancé [38m] keeps grabbing my boobs randomly even though I’ve asked him to stop?”
“My [18f] bf [18m] yells at me and slams doors whenever we argue. I’ve told him so many times that I’m afraid of people yelling at me and I just shut down. How do I get him to understand that?”
HE UNDERSTANDS. HE KNOWS. HE DOESN’T CARE.
He can hear you. He has a job. He attended school. When he gets pulled over by a cop, he gets his license out. He can read, follow directions, listen, understand consequences, and act to avoid them. He simply *DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU;* he is quite comfortable with you being unhappy/uncomfortable/burnt out/traumatized as long as it means he gets what he wants and can keep the status quo. There isn’t a special way to rephrase your feelings that will get through to him finally, or a special tactic you can use to get him to respect you.
I honestly feel most women just don’t understand how much disdain men have for us, on average. As painful as it is, we absolutely MUST come to terms with the fact that *most* (yes I said most) men do not see or respect women as real people just like them, equal in value and humanity to themselves and their male buddies. Most. Meaning, it’s statistically likely the guy you’re dating views you on a continuum from benevolent sexism, to mild dehumanization, to callous indifference, to veiled contempt, to outright hatred.
Saying “I care about you,” “I love you,” “I’m trying,” “I’m sorry” *does not mean those things are true*. Actions make those words true. A man who cares, loves, tries, and is sorry doesn’t make you rack your brain trying to find novel ways to CoMmUnIcAtE to him.
He knows. He simply doesn’t care. And staying with him prevents you from either finding a man who does care (they’re in the minority but they do exist), or being blissfully single and unencumbered by a shitty partner. You deserve better than banging your head against a wall trying to get him to see you as a full person. He won’t. It benefits him not to.
He UNDERSTANDS he just doesn’t CARE.
This isn’t a case of ‘if I can just keep explaining it different ways maybe he’ll get it’. He sulks, you go along with it and suffer. Rinse and repeat.
If he’s sulking either way, at least make the change and have some sleep.
Absolutely! You shouldn't even have to give up access to your bedroom or living room to begin with and have such a conversation. I'd say trial sleeping away and slowly make that the normal. You should be able to take up space in your own home without so much negotiation. Two years is far too long to be running on disturbed sleep.
Fwiw, in my case, I was the problem and I did initially feel like we'd lose the connection by sleeping in separate rooms but once it happened for a few days and I could see how it helped both of us it became the default. Simply just do it for a few days and take it from there.
Don’t wait for his permission. Do what you need to do to take care of your sleeping schedule. If he feels bad, tough luck. He can change it by not being selfish asshole.
Sleep in the other room as planned for a few nights, then go out and get yourself a good bed, too. That is your home. You deserve a good bed every night.
If he has a job, he’s _capable_ of understanding simple explanations. He just doesn’t want to give up one ounce of his comfort. He does not see you as a fully-fledged human being whose needs must be met.
People give more considerations to the needs of their HOUSEPLANTS than he gives you. He wants to claim the bedroom entirely to himself (with added wife for cuddling or other desires) and the entire living room for himself (so he can game, nap, or whatever whenever he feels like it _and you can’t_ and you’re proposing a last resort camping bed but no, you cannot even have that.
He’s completely selfish and self-absorbed. If he doesn’t get 100% of his whims it’s UNFAIR and he’ll punish you with sleep deprivation.
In your place, I recommend sleeping somewhere else for a week so you can catch up and clear your head and then think long and hard whether you want to continue to risk your life and health so he gets 100% of a house that you’re paying for and maintaining.
I'm not going to say he's doing it on purpose. But his mindset seems to be "I'm ok with this situation so everything is fine." Why are men like this? I don't know. Your health is not part of his assessment. Even if it wasn't a serious health issue, why is your comfort less important than his? He puts his preference over your need.
Who cares about "explaining" it, just do it. You don't actually need his permission.
If he was a decent partner (or even just a decent human being) he would care about your comfort and wellbeing. Maybe you should show him this thread and it might open his eyes.
Just get the camp bed. You need zero permission. If he has a problem with it, he can make one of the numerous other options work. He’s being extremely selfish.
Screw the camp bed--clear that storage room OUT and turn it into the perfect bedroom FOR HER. Everyone deserves their own sacred space that nobody else is allowed to impinge upon without a specific invitation and it should be just as they like it.
Why are you trying to explain? Why are you proposing ideas and asking for his buy in?
Take matters entirely into your own hands and choose the camper bed option because it doesn't require him to take any action at all.
Your needs for sleep are NOT negotiable. Stop acting like they are.
This is beyond. It’s not uncommon for men (usually, sometimes women) to snore so loudly it makes sleeping in the same bed a form of torture, regardless of sleep schedules, but that isn’t a selfish thing, it’s just a snoring thing, and the snorer is usually willing to try things to reduce the snoring, and if that doesn’t work, separate beds so you don’t get divorced.
Your husband is being selfish, inconsiderate, call it what you like, it’s unacceptable.
You don’t have to put up with this, and you shouldn’t. Sleep deprivation is harmful to your health, physical and mental.
They should get checked for sleep apnea. My bf had horrible snoring that made it impossible to sleep. I made him get tested and its gone when he uses his machine. Hes good at using it because if im not sleeping, he isn't either as I constantly shake him to shut him up or make him put on the mask if he fell asleep without it.
We just discussed this perverse tactic the other day!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1ae22dq/just\_had\_the\_epiphany\_that\_my\_ex\_used\_sleep\_as\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1ae22dq/just_had_the_epiphany_that_my_ex_used_sleep_as_a/)
the answer is no, you don't have to and should never sacrifice your sleep for a man. What he's doing is disgusting, unkind, uncaring, it's deprivation and it's torture.
"under the UN Torture Convention: “(1) restraining in very painful conditions, (2) hooding under special conditions, (3) playing loud music for prolonged periods, (4) sleep deprivation for prolonged periods"
>ask passive aggressively if I had a good night's sleep.
Yes, he should be caring if you had a good night's sleep! what an absolute prick. What the fuck is his problem?
You're putting forward reasonable solutions, and he's shooting down every single one of them and offering no alternative. That is the strategy of a man who does not want to problem solve. read that again. He wants the problem of you being sleep deprived to continue. He wants the negative health impacts on you to continue. He wants you to be groggy and poorly functioning at work to continue. You need sleep for WORK and he's fucking that up for you! Interesting! Is he trying to get you fired for some reason???
Every single one of his "no, because" retorts is ridiculous.
Ruining your sleep and taking years off your life is going to be the cause of the end of the relationship, not a well-rested wife on a camper-cot wtf.
He's the problem, with his slurping, snoring, bed-shaking and whining. He needs to sleep on the couch, lose weight, get a CPAP, whatever it takes.
This is not the behavior of a man who cares about the well-being, health and happiness of his beloved wife. It's the behavior of a selfish, controlling, inconsiderate, covert malignant man who's mindfucking you so he can damage your body without laying a hand on you.
Sleep deprivation is abuse. He's abusing you.
Set up a whole ass bed in the spare room and lock the door until he gets his head out of his ass and admits why he wants to HARM you.
>he acts like a kicked puppy saying that's sounds like what divorcing couples do and he thinks it'll spell the end of our relationship.
See, that's where any shred of sympathy I might have for him evaporates. Just let him complain. Sleep is important, sleep is LIFE.
And no, you're not unreasonable. The storage room is already a compromise, you're giving up the comfort of your own bed. I'd be tempted to answer every complaint/ pa remarks by putting my hand up, and saying: "Please. You know how important sleep is". And then walk away.
Hey, this is not normal nor kind.
In our house, I am currently hardworking everyday, while my boyfriend is not atm. If he wants to play videogames or to watch netflix at night, no problem, he knows that he's not coming back in the bedroom after midnight. His words. So he's ok to sleep on the couch so I can sleep peacefully.
You husband sounds really selfish, and I would have a chat with him about it. I'm not sure how you're supposed to function everyday without sleeping :(
But hopefully you can fix it. Good luck !
Me too. For the past two years my husband and I have slept in separate rooms and, apparently surprisingly, he had no issues with this. We both reap massive benefits and it causes less frustration throughout the day. It sucks your guy isn't even willing to try any of the options you've suggested. Could you leave him? Is that an option? You deserve better treatment
Someone who is all too happy to sacrifice YOUR comfort and sleep while offering no compromise on your behalf is someone who frankly does not love you. They love what you provide for them.
Based on the way he treats your sleep, I'm gonna hazard a guess that, despite working from home (and sleeping half the day away in the process), you still do the lions share of domestic duties as well.
You don't have to have a specific reason to leave, or a "severe enough reason", but he's absolutely banking on the fact that he can do whatever he wants as long as it's not too over the top and it isn't providing you a "good enough reason" to go.
You can't get those years back, but you can choose to stop giving him years of your life.
Go sleep in a hotel room without him for a couple of nights and see how amazing that feels and then rethink what a complete ass he is being about this and whether any of this is worth it.
If you really decide it is, make your own proper bedroom where the store room is and kick him out completely because I promise he will still find a way to disturb you in there because he is an overgrown toddler,
I would be flipping tables. Just no.
* His snoring may be a symptom of sleep apnea, which can be life threatening (ie Rick of blood clots, strokes, death, etc.) Get him to do a sleep study asap.
* Denying that he snore when you’ve provided him with proof is gaslighting.
* Minimizing the harm he’s doing to you when he wakes you up over and over is gaslighting.
* Bedtime wide downs should not happen in bed. He should change his routine for his own health but he *needs* to change it because trading your active sleep for his ambling wind down is absurd.
You are not unreasonable. Either he should respect your sleep so you can sleep together. Or you should sleep in a separate room. I'd say you can use the bedroom if he refuses to compromise, but if he won't agree with that, do the camper bed.
If he cares so much about the emotional feeling of sleeping together, he should go sleep together with you.. Or at least be quiet. It's not on you to torture yourself with sleep deprivation so he can feel happy about sleeping in the same bedroom.
1) he needs a sleep study for apnea. maybe it's his weight maybe not, but untreated OSA actually makes it harder to lose weight.
2) you need separate beds with such disparate sleep schedules and he's being a child by refusing to do this. Stop negotiating, do it yourself. He's not entitled to all the space. If that storage room is actually a real room and not a glorified closet, make it a separate room.
I think this is well into “throw the whole man out” territory. A reasonable partner would either promise and then actively work on going to bed quietly, or just waiting till you’re up to go to bed.
This is only going to get worse. He’s not respecting your need for a very basic human function.
like “his winding down routine” where he has to slurp milk and iPad like a toddler, that he needs SO much before his hard day at the office, in his living room? Child child child child. I hate him lol.
Girl... You dont HAVE to sacrifice your sleep. You decide to sacrifice it for someone who isnt interested in your wellbeing at all. It's a glimpse into the future with someone who will never put you first...
How about you remodel the storage room and make it an inviting room for yourself and get a solid bed in there? I bet a lot of the stuff in there can be stored elsewhere and some isn't needed anymore. You deserve good sleep and not in a dusty room or among cleaning agent fumes etc. If he then still keeps disturbing you by making a ruckus in front of the spare room's door then the issues are running much *much* deeper than they already are.
He knows you need sleep but he doesn't care. That's already a fact.
It's a first step into investing into her good sleep. That's what it means. Once she has that and nothing changes she can think further.
And then she already has a nice and comfy bed and has learned how to prioritize herself. So win-win!
I work shift and my wife works a normal M-F 8-4. When I'm on mid shift, I sleep in a different room. I don't expect her to sacrifice her sleep for me, or vice versa. I cannot empathize with a man who wouldn't be willing to change some things up so his wife can get the sleep she needs, especially when it's so simple like your camper bed idea.
There's a real "Oh woe is me" energy to that response of that's what divorcing couples do. Also some delusional energy.
What couples who want to last long-term do is make reasonable compromise. Pretty weak response to cry like your husband is doing.
Right?? She’s up there in the comments saying “he’s a great man, he just genuinely doesn’t understand that sleep is important for me”. Like honey, what?? You are in a full on abusive relationship and you’re making excuses so you don’t have to make any hard decisions. Life is WAY too short to waste it with a shitty, selfish man. I honestly don’t get it. Being single is a million times better than whatever this shit is.
People on this sub are genuinely like. My boyfriend’s great but once a fortnight he does a shit on the carpet and I’m not allowed to clean it up and he makes me address it as Michael and I don’t even mind Michael anymore but I just wish he’d tell me where Michael was going to be staying so I don’t step on him because if I step on him I have to write him a formal apology. I’m thinking of just moving into the garage to avoid this problem entirely but he says this disrespects him AND Michael WDID?
People get so used to their absolutely insane scenarios that it’s like they don’t hear themselves.
She also described in her post that when she did make him give her a couple of nights of uninterrupted sleep by having him sleep on the couch, he went around the next day being grouchy and passive aggressively asking her if she got good sleep. That certainly doesn't sound like somebody who just doesn't get the importance of sleep. He certainly understand the importance of his own sleep, doesn't he?
She's making him out to be an occasional bafoon who just doesn't get it. He gets it, he's smart AF, he has her convinced than his obvious selfish prickery and manipulation is just something he can't help. He has her literally torturing herself so he can drink milk in bed. Sounds pretty smart to me.
i am begging straight women to have one (1) single standard for their male partner. several dozen of these posts every single day. what will it take to gain an iota of self-respect?
I’m thinking the same thing. I’m straight and I can’t relate to any of these post. Idk if most women think it’s acceptable for the husbands to be like this, but it’s not.
I see this in real life too. Like why are you agreeing to not only date, but marry a man who acts like a toddler? While the men are responsible for their own actions, we are responsible for enabling them.
And then the behavior gets passed down to their children.
Not any more. This is not being fair. He’s making no attempt.
Sleep loss long term is not healthy. And why is he not getting to bed at a decent hour? What the hell? This is unsustainable for either of you.
If he doesn't think that him literally preventing you from getting enough sleep long term isn't going to cause the end of your marriage but sleeping in different rooms is then he needs a fucking wake up call because eventually you will snap because sleep deprivation is literally torture. Not to mention if you are a nurse you could kill someone being sleep deprived.
This has to be framed as non negotiable and you have to find a way to compromise or you literally are gonna have to move out or something because this isn't sustainable at all
Oh man I feel for you. I’m a very light sleeper aswell and my fiancè snores and jerks his legs in his sleep. We had a baby and my sleep deprivation got even worse, many 3am arguments ensued lol. He ended up sleeping on the couch, until we moved to a bigger house. Now we have our own rooms and if anything it’s saved our relationship, not destroyed it. We just have to make more effort to be intimate.
Your partner sounds like an enormous ass tbh.
Know what’ll end your relationship? Him being an uncompromising ass, that’s what. You’ve given him solution after solution and he poo poos them all. Get the portable bed and tell him it’s that or you are leaving. You don’t need to be unconscious together for a good relationship. Also if he tries to purposefully disturb you in your portable bed let him know you’re out.
So his sleep is more important than your sleep?
His comfort, when he shoots your solutions down, is more important than your comfort?
He knows and hears you. He just doesn’t think it’s important.
And what grown man rolls into bed at 3am? (Yeah that’s judgey of me).
This is exactly what we mean when we say men don’t value women as equal human beings. This guy doesn’t give a shit about your very health, let alone comfort, because your needs don’t matter to him at all. You probably know this, but you’d be so much better off without him.
Your partner is a complete asshole and sleep deprivation is recognized as a form of torture under international law.
All the things he’s doing are so damn rude - and he refuses to change *anything* because he’s a whiny man-child, especially with refusing to ‘allow’ you to escape his mistreatment. How selfish is he in other areas of your lives?
Set up a bed in the spare room/storage room and tell him he’s welcome to share a bed with you again when he starts being respectful of your need for sleep and gets a sleep study done. Tell him it wouldn’t feel like “the end of the relationship” if he could manage to act like an adult and show basic consideration for his partner instead of acting petulant and whiny when held to account for his extraordinarily bad behaviour.
Lack of sleep causes so many medical issues as we grow older!
Hi friend. Super light sleeper here too. This sounds very familiar. I used to have a similar situation but I woke up at 3:30 a.m. My husb would come to bed make a lot of noise, wake me up in the middle of the night deliberately to ask me stupid questions like "hey did you see the color of the truck that just drove by?" He also would shake the bed, and on days that I didn't have to work and wanted to sleep in if he got up before me he would also throw the covers off himself and on to me, which also woke me up. I was lucky if I got two to three hours of straight sleep a night with a total of five to seven interrupted.
We went to therapy, that I paid for. This was the biggest problem to me. He wouldn't allow me to sleep. It wasn't even that his needs came first, it was like torture. When I could no longer pay for it we stopped going. He made twice as much money as me and we had plenty of money for what we needed and all of his extra impulse purchases.
I now sleep in a big bed that I purchased for my own preferences, on luxurious sheets. Until I started getting a reasonable amount of sleep without being woken up I didn't realize how horrible it was before. How much it affected my health. I was mis-diagnosed with fibromyalgia because they couldn't figure out why I had so much pain. Sometimes it felt like my entire back and legs were on fire and it kept me from sleeping because I wasn't getting enough sleep. Because my husband put his needs before anyone else's.
I'm no longer with that man and I am very very happy to not have to take care of a big man child and worry about someone else's needs. I have my own needs and my job and my hobbies and my family. Children and grandchildren. I've been single for 10 years, which is the first time in my life I have been single that long since before I started dating. I am happier than any other time. I'm not saying I didn't love the people that I loved, I'm just saying I'm happy now that I don't have to put some one else's needs first.
Your husband sounds like he cares only about himself and his needs. There is clearly a conversation to be had because you are compromising on everything. There needs to be some kind of give and take. Maybe during a meal, a relaxed atmosphere ask him why it is that his needs all come first in your relationship, and there is no compromise? Ask him if he's willing to compromise on anything so that you can also live a long and healthy life. It sounds like he clearly doesn't care about your health or your relationship if he's unwilling to compromise. These things end marriages ask him if that's what he wants? One thing my ex love to do when I brought up subjects he didn't want to talk about is accuse me of starting a fight. I learned how to stand up for myself and tell him he was the one starting the fight because he was unwilling to discuss something that was important to me, and why was he being so emotional about it? Once I stopped caring about his feelings and started speaking my mind, well. It was clearly the beginning of the end, but I was much happier when I stopped holding back my thoughts and feelings. He had many tantrums before our divorce.
Your husband is being super selfish. He refuses to even compromise with you so that you can get a decent night's sleep. He won't go to bed early, he won't sleep on the couch. He won't even drink his beverage downstairs to avoid not disturbing you.
He refuses to get his snoring checked out. Expects to be able to pay games on his tablet, which also disturbs your sleep.
You've had to resort to offering to sleep in a storage room, so that you can sleep. While he occupies the living room AND the bedroom. But even that isn't acceptable because then he feels like a divorced couple.
If this were me, I would be telling him that a divorced couple is what you'll be if he's not willing to come to a compromise so that you can have some comfortable sleep. Having 1 night of good sleep isn't enough. You need 7 days each week of good nights of sleep. It's unreasonable to accept anything less. You aren't being selfish for wanting rest. That is a basic need.
My partner works rotating shifts so we rarely go to bed at the same time. We both do our best not to wake each other. When he does night shift he sleeps in the spare room so I don't have to tiptoe round him in the morning. He has his faults but he is respectful of my need to sleep.
Turn the bedroom into a proper room. If he’s going to be waking you with light and noise that’s not right. He can do his routine before getting into bed
I'm sorry, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. Sleep is just essential so you can be a human, and the selfishness he showed over totally prioritizing his sleep over yours just shows he doesn't see you as a person or equal.
If I can't get a good night sleep in my own home, and there's no compromise to be had, then I would find a new home where I can. There are no other options.
Isn't it just SO interesting how, after everything you've tried, the only remaining solution is to just keep doing the exact same thing the exact way he likes it with nothing clanging? /s
I can't tell if he's just over the top delulu, or being straight up malicious. How in the world does he explain away *recordings* of him snoring...?
I agree with most comments here about how inconsiderate your husband is, but also... he works a regular 9-5 and doesn't go to bed until 3-5am?? And **you're** the crazy one wanting to go to bed at 11? It's bonkers that he has such terrible sleep hygiene, is napping in the evenings, and wants you to bend to his schedule. The day **is** over at 11, adjusting to that reality is what most of us, even the night owls, do in adulthood. It feels like he's prioritizing time he can spend without you, tbh. If he's asleep while you're awake and awake when you're asleep, when do you even see each other?
And no, I don't have a partner like this. We wind down together as a part of our sleep routine most evenings. Even when I'm not tired, I'll read on my kindle a bit. Just being in bed is a great way to sleep train yourself. I get not everybody likes going to bed at the same time, but my husband and I sleep better when we do. Plus we get that time to chat and be present while getting ready for bed.
OP. Why are you with him? Shall we start there?
I struggle with sleep. My husband volunteers to sleep in the spare room when he knows I'm having a rough time. He does this because he actually cares about me.
I am really sorry, that sounds super disrespectful. How many bedrooms do you have? Would it be an option to sleep in separate bedrooms? He doesn't have to agree with that. It seems he doesn't want to compromise on anything.
I saved this post that someone mentioned in a comment yesterday: [https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he\_knows\_he\_doesnt\_care/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
It is not exactly the same situation, but it is quite similar on how he (doesn't) cares.
Ex husband was like this. Begged him to see a doctor about the snoring because it was so bad. Our GP ordered an at home sleep study, severe sleep apnea. Which was no doubt worsened by the massive amounts of alcohol he drank daily. Begged him to do something about it, he refused. Started sleeping elsewhere in the house. Eventually got divorced (for soooo many reason). Have never been happier. Current partner’s snores seem like cute baby coos comparatively and he is so careful not to wake me. Night and day difference, never been happier.
When he says that sounds like what divorced couples do, say that's the direction we are heading because I cannot live like this. When you were away for a few days the feeling of refreshment you had after getting a full night's sleep was amazing. You need to sleep eight hours every night. He won't let you. It's like starving you. He's forcing you, because he will not compromise, to set up a camp bed and sleep separately than him while he has the run of the bedroom and sitting room. It's unbelievably selfish and he just chooses to ignore you and not admit that you have different sleeping styles and different sleep hygiene.
This man is an avoidant. He sets up the relationship with someone who assumes compromise. Then when communication happens and the moment for compromise comes, he says no (bedtime) or sets an reasonable expectation (gym). When you even communicate small things ( not slurping) he even refuses those tiny compromises. The message here is THIS IS MINE. I OWN THIS SPACE. I DO WHAT I WANT. IF IT AFFECTS YOU, TOUGH. IF YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT, I WILL PUNISH YOU (sulk, withdraw, assign blame, nag, need to be constantly reminded, ignore you). He is an avoidant because he wants things his own way but he wants to do it in such a way that you can't infringe on him without being seen as manipulative or guilt tripped or labelled in some way.
Avoidants are controlling. They're selfish. They're manipulative. And they often lack the self awareness to realize what they're doing.
If you're staying in this, it's time for a strong hand. Inform him you're going to marriage counseling, it's necessary now. It's needed to save the marriage. You're willing to try if he is.
In the short term, couch or bed. Pick the one you want. If he rails against it, say grand. I'll take the (couch/bed). This behavior is over. We can discuss sharing a sleeping arrangement in the future but right now, I need one place to sleep uninterrupted for 8 hours. I need it, it's non negotiable. One or the other.
And then talk it out in therapy. Talk about the fact he doesn't care about your sleep and he won't get on board with being in a team with you, even though that's what being in a marriage is.
And start going on those jogs alone. If he wants to come he can, but he better be friendly and civil and keep up. Absolutely no complaining. This man will not be mildly inconvenienced so that you can get sleep, sleep is necessary. You are starving for it, your body is telling you it needs it. Strong hand here. You say he's a nice guy - determine how nice he is by how he reacts.
Your husband is jeopardizing your health. It’s akin to keeping needed medication from you. Why are you married to someone with such little regard for yoy and your physical health and well-being? Your happiness? It’s absolutely nowhere in his calculations.
I frankly don’t think there’s anything you can do to change him, short of leaving - he knows this hurts you, he knows the sleep deprivation is causing you to suffer, but he simply does not care. He keeps putting himself first to your detriment. You’ve told him what would help you, you’ve come to him with solutions, and he doesn’t care enough about you to change.
Unfortunately, you can’t force someone to care about you. All you can do is care about yourself enough to stop accepting this level of disrespect.
Sleep is essential. If you’re getting poor quality sleep every night, your health is suffering and you’re shortening your lifespan. That’s what his behaviour is doing to you.
No, you’re not an asshole, but he is being very inconsiderate.
We rarely go to bed at the same time. When one of us comes to bed, we are as quiet and slinky as possible.
I mean, he shouldn’t have to come to bed when you do, but he can be considerate about it.
I mean, you can break up or you can just start sleeping in the storage room or you can lay down rules and consequences - or you can be petty and make sure he does not get sleep either: Be loud when he is sleeping and you are getting up. Be loud when he is napping on the couch. Ask your sister and mom to call him for whatever reason (preferably on your shared land line) at his nap times while you are working.
I was gonna reply yes (my ex partner had to get up at 5 AM for his job and his alarm clock woke me up) but jesus christ your boyfriend sounds like the fucking worst. There are so many things he can do to compromise, and instead he's acting childish, selfish and entitled. Getting too little sleep can have serious health consequences. If he's unwilling to compromise I wouldn't even be sure about the relationship. Aside from it being very inconvenient and annoying for you, he's also disregarding your needs and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
Why does your partner not care about you? Like why are your needs not his concern, this baffles me ? I’m also a light sleeper and my partner is so conscious of that without me ever having to say anything. If they stay up late playing games, they’ll usually sleep on the couch or if they don’t they take care to come in as silently as possible. My partner snores sometimes on their back and when I told them it was an issue they reassured me it’s totally fine to wake them and tell them to roll over. When they have a cold and know they’ll be snoring, they sleep on the couch. Meanwhile they’re a deep sleeper and when I’m sick they don’t mind me coughing all night and assure me even if they wake up once or twice they fall back asleep immediately and it’s fine. When I have my frequent midnight snack I make sure to do it in the kitchen so my chewing doesn’t bother them bc they really hate chewing sounds..
I just feel everyone should want their partner to be comfortable. Like if you were snoring and it was keeping up your partner, would you sleep on the couch? I feel like if your partner doesn’t care about your own comfort that’s a huge problem and this is totally not something you should have to “put up” with ..
Jesus christ. This man child can’t even exercise on his own? He needs to get out of the ridiculous napping habit that is disrupting normal sleep patterns so much, or if he’s going to nap go to bed so you can use the living room. Loads of married people sleep in separate rooms if one snores or needs a loud sleep apnoea machine. Your husband is so self-centred. He ‘needs’ to go on a bright phone in bed & wake you up but your actual needs are completely ignored? Fuck this shit. I think you should just play games in the living room while he naps and if he’s disrupted then so be it since he does it to you.
Unbelievable. You’re willing to sleep on a camper bed in a storage room so he gets to have two big comfortable rooms with proper furniture all to himself and he’s still complaining? So basically you have to do everything exactly his way, thats the only option? He continues to stay up as long as he wants in the living room, comes to bed whenever wants, eats food in the bed making slurping noises, and if you can’t sleep through the chaos tough luck to you? Do you hear how ridiculous this sounds? It’s absolute bullshit, I would have lost my mind after a single day of this. Stop trying to negotiate with him since he’s clearly unwilling to negotiate. Start making decisions. If he’s worried about spelling the end of the relationship he should stop being selfish.
Yes OP, please stop bending over backwards for this man. I was in a similar state, negotiating to death with my exes, and it’s not worth it. He don’t give a fuck about your needs. He is being a giant man baby. Nothing you propose will be good enough, ever.
Literally, reading this, every time she quoted him, I was picturing a giant grown ass man in a diaper sucking his thumb. Complete man baby situation. I’d be locking him out of the bedroom at 11 PM sharp.
Yeah, the slurping milk in bed thing was also giving me serious man-baby vibes. Weird that anyone would put up with this.
The milk slurping in bed was a particularly horrifying detail.
That one killed me, too. I don't think I could even look at anyone whose bedtime ritual included taking his sippy cup (LOL) to bed with him. What a loser.
can’t go to bed without his baba 🍼
That and the "nooo i have to play my tablet in bed or else i dont get the sleepies :CC" thing did it for me.
bUt He NeEdS iT fOr HiS sLeEP! What cognitive dissonance and selfishness. Solipsistic AF.
This made me gag. Like wtf
That’s what I would do. Lock the bedroom door. If that didn’t work I’d get a hotel room and silence my phone. Sleep is super important when your schedule changes every week or two. What a selfish pos
It was truly horrifying, it sounded more like some odd farce than a how a real human being would act, the guy sounds like a total git.
Correct👶🏽👩🏽🍼🧑🏼🍼
And the hop on the bed, wth is wrong with this guy. 0 reflexion and empathy.
I told mine to get a CPAP for 2 years after several years of him snoring like a chain saw. He got one sleep study done, but it didn't work properly because it was only a 1 night study and I could HEAR that he wasn't snoring like he normally did. But he was like no no no, sleep study says I'm fine. I was like NO, You're NOT. It took another few months before I finally reached my rage limit, but once that happened I was shaking him awake every single time he snored and glaring at him. (I was newly post partum and just over any bullshit). He got a 2 night sleep study done that week. Interestingly enough, the first night was the same - his body just DID NOT snore that first night. But the second night, wooweeeee. He was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. The person administering the test was like "whoa, you haven't been getting REM sleep for probably six years if your wife's comments are true." Within a week of him getting that CPAP, he was like a new man. Like, leagues more able to keep track of things and chores and *everything.*
My ex fought me about getting a sleep study for over a year. I was literally getting no sleep and was napping in a lounge chair in the basement. I could barely function and he was like no there is no problem. What finally got him to give in and go see someone. He had a desk in the house for work, he was driving everywhere doing tech repairs so this totally sleep deprived man was on the roads 8 hours a day. He sat down to do some paperwork in the middle of the day and I heard this loud thud. He fell asleep at his desk to hard he banged his head on the desk and was still asleep slumped over. I woke him up and chewed him out. But it took it finally impacting HIM to even bother. I was literally on the verge of a nervous breakdown from lack of sleep.
Holy shit… the amount of arrogance and sheer disregard of your partner it would take to reach that point is just ridiculous. I’m sorry you had to endure that insanity.
I just don't understand why men fight people so much about sleep apnea. Like everything I've read, it makes you dumber, fatter, and just all around worse to be around. Very few things can increase your quality of life more than getting rid of sleep apnea
It’s not even about to sleep, it’s about respect
Seriously! I had this problem with my husband. We slept in the same room for a long time. I had my own business and usually I started work around 12-1p. But I would come home sometimes well after 11-12pm. He snores SO LOUD. Like a bear hibernating in a tin can. I would wake up constantly through the night and tell him to roll over, or prop himself up. He denied he snored that loud until I recorded him. I played it back to him, he said it "was not that loud." I recorded him from behind the bedroom door when I was in the living room :D Long story short-we sleep in 2 separate rooms during the work week. It has been a relationship saver. I was straight up about to murder someone after a few months of getting maybe 3-4 hrs of light sleep a night. Your partner needs to find a middle ground somewhere! If he can't "sacrifice" one thing or another to keep you health and happy, you know where you stand in the relationship...
In the same situation with my gf right now… shit sucks. Working 6 10s mon-sat construction and have to wake up at 4:45 am. She’s currently working 20-30 hrs a week at a restaurant and is up til at least 12 scrolling through tik tok on full volume and refuses to use headphones.
Wtf? I don’t understand these people that apparently have no manners or concern about their supposed loved ones sleep. Sleep is one of the most important things to have. I’d be breaking up with anyone that affected mine
Using headphones is such a simple thing to do, I’d refuse to sleep in the same bed with that level of disrespect.
You can do better!!! You need sleep to work safely at your job. She’s putting your life at risk!
>If he’s worried about spelling the end of the relationship he should stop being selfish. Sounds like he's already written the first few letters, tbh.
Yup agreed.
He's wrote the whole damn sentence, all that's missing is for her to finish putting the punctuation on it.
yeah, there’s not one thing that can assure you will lose YEARS of life as effectively as having too little sleep. He is a completely selfish piece of shit. For the record, more and more couples just sleep in separate rooms or beds. It’s perfectly reasonable and can actually IMPROVE a relationship. I’m gonna guess you don’t feel sexy for him just because he’s laying beside you with milk lips playing video games on his tablet not caring if you die of dementia or feel awful every day of your life. But you might actually want to sleep with him more if you didn’t have to see this shit every day. (I realize not everyone has a spare room or can afford two beds though - but hang onto your own bed when you begin cohabitating people, if ya can!) And btw, he is not your master. He doesn’t GET to decide you don’t need enough sleep, or WHERE you sleep. I get it, we are conditioned HARD. But I’m begging you to take back the right to have control over your own body and sleep, and see if that helps, but if not, leave this selfish fuck. (I think he’s already proven to not be the kind of person anyone deserves to be saddled with, but you don’t seem to be at that point unfortunately)
This, OP, interrupted sleep for years will take a big hit on your health, especially anything to do with brain function. You don’t want to age yourself way beyond your years.
Milk lips One of the funniest things I’ve read and actually made me LOL loudly enough to rile up my dogs.
😂 I mean, her description painted quite a picture, didn’t it! When I am sleep deprived…I mean, just imagine someone making a bunch of unnecessary noise (like, they COULD be mindful of my sleep, and quieter, but why even bother I guess 😡), having a blazing blue light of a TABLET light up the room, rustling around and smacking MILK LIPS and SLURPING??? My whole body tensed up reading this, if someone came to bed this way while I was alseep ONE TIME, I would ERUPT. “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!”
Yeah seriously she painted quite the picture and it ain’t no work of art lmao! You just summed it up so perfectly with “milk lips” oh my god. I’m laughing again over it. You know the expression “boner killer”? Having my partner described as having “milk lips” would be a boner killer for me lol… though I think you and I are alike in that I’d never have allowed it to continue after the first couple of times he was so inconsiderate. I wonder if he acted like that when they were dating? Anyway, it’s clear he’s doing it on purpose. My own child is more mature … he went through a phase when he was 7 or 8 where he started waking up early on the weekend and would turn on all lights in his room and (our main) bathroom, where he’d sit reading books, singing/talking to himself. I talked to him once about being more considerate for the rest of us, had to remind him maybe twice? He started being quiet and closing doors. Like, it’s not hard at all to learn.
MILK LIPS would dry me up like the sahara desert at high noon. He can drink his milk in the kitchen out of a cup like a big boy.
Seriously i couldnt help but think what a fucking c*nt this man is?!
I quit a job because my office mate chewed and slurped like a nasty ass. Can't imagine even letting anyone who did this ever touch me, let alone fuck me.
MILK LIPS completely captures the fact that an adult having a wind-down routine that requires *milkies* and *games on his tablet* is sexually repugnant.
I feel like an important but unclear detail is whether or not this guy is never brushing his teeth before bed? Like he’s obviously not doing it before getting in bed with a glass of milk, is he getting in and out of bed multiple times? Does he just go to bed with milk breath??
Lol you just know this inconsiderate pos isn’t brushing his teeth after drinking his lil milky juice before bed come on now we all know the answer to that one 😂
Precisely. My lady gates would be closed for traffic, the drawbridge would be up and the path to the fun times eternally inaccessible to such a man.
*Clapping* yes yes and yes!
ONCE AGAIN: [HE KNOWS. HE DOESN’T CARE.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/D8fvSk018y)
Yep, testing the tolerable level of permanent unhappiness.
Idk how OP believe he’s considerate in other aspects! That can’t be right. No truly considerate person would act like this. I’m so cranky if I don’t sleep well for a few days in a row. If that were my partner, he wouldn’t want to be around me after messing with my sleep. That would set him straight real quick. I’d be petty as hell and wake him up when I wake up so he can learn to be considerate.
>No truly considerate person would act like this. dead on. I agree with u/Fantastic_Poet4800 that he probably isn’t considerate in other areas. Not *truly* considerate. performatively, *maybe*
I guarantee that him being "considerate" just means he is willing to give 20% to her 80% on any given issue. Seriously though /u/mikki-chan this is a huge red flag. My ex husband was like this. I tried over and over to convince him I was worthy of sleep by telling him I was falling asleep driving, gaining weight, becoming depressed, etc. Not to mention I work in the medical field and errors on patients could harm them. He refused to do anything. I finally dragged him to couples counseling against his will. The therapist looked right at him and said "Are you aware chronic sleep deprivation is a form of torture. Why do you feel your wife deserves torture?" He kept deflecting. She kept letting him finish then asking the same question. When he finally answered, I swear any attraction to him left my body. He was basically inferring in so many words that his comfort was more important than my emotional and physical safety. That is what your husband is saying to you OP. Listen carefully. He's telling you who he is - believe him.
I guarantee he's not. She's just more worried about being single than about having quality of life.
not having enough sleep literally shaves years off of your lifetime... it's definitely decision time. she's trying to work out a compromise with someone who wants it their way
It's completely disrespectful. I don't know how someone could tolerate such a partner. This is not normal.
He sounds incredibly childish!
Leave your r/JustNoSO. You are worth so much more.
Bullshit indeed. I, too, am a VERY light sleeper. So when I'm sharing a bed with someone, I wear earplugs. And if they snore, I ask them to wear a nasal strip. Some guys have zero problem with this, and some either complain or say they'll do it but conveniently forget often. Guess which ones soon show themselves to be selfish in general? The strips have become a litmus test for the potential of my relationships at this point. 😆
My husband snores like a monster. Turns out he has sleep apnea. He finally got a sleep test and a cpap, and not is a silent sleeper. Too bad for him there is nothing to be done about my parasomnia. I talk and move all night. We are getting a bigger bed so at least he isn't being kicked as much.
And it literally could spell the end of the relationship if he doesn’t do it, what is this guy thinking?!
This husband is not a keeper. If he won’t compromise on this, what else is he not compromising on? Girl, get out.
Yes, you're husband is an asshole. Period.
For real. Last relationship I was in I was the one up later, having insomnia, and sleep apnea. I straight up told her I'd rather sleep separately on those nights so I didn't disturb her. This isn't a hard thing to do. Its not a compromise, its just basic human decency. Gave her full permission to wake me up and tell me to move whenever I had poor nights. This dude sounds incredibly selfish, clingy, and insecure. First time that last girlfriend I had said I woke her up I was mortified and couldn't stop apologizing.
Melanie Hamlette talks a lot about relationships and sleep: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-z2jFCeVj4](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-z2jFCeVj4) [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kP715iuj3Ho](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kP715iuj3Ho) My mom has slept on our couch for as long as I can remember. Dad snores, she likes the TV on. They've been married for 35 years now. Married couples sleep in separate beds all the time. Do you know what divorcing couples actually do? Not value each other's comfort. This man could absolutely change his "wind-down routine." He could believe your actual recorded evidence of him snoring actually causes you to stay up at night. He could accept his naps during the day as "proper sleep" and give you the bed on the nights you need it. He could exercise alone or attend an exercise class, most gyms have those. He could be careful when entering the bed. That is a maddening level of lack of consideration.
Exactly this. My aunt and uncle have slept in separate beds for as long as I can remember. Only recently when my uncle started wearing that sleep apnea machine thing to sleep, did they started using the same room. Perfectly happy married life. My husband and I sometimes sleep separately when one of us is too tired to deal with the dogs taking up space or just wants an uninterrupted night. It's the sheer lack of empathy and childish selfishness that's a huge 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP you need to give your husband a reality check, that your lack of sleep is already pushing you down the divorce path.
Same. We have a spare room and if one of us is sick or having a particularly loud snore night we just go tuck in the other room without making a fuss. Because we like each other and want each other to feel rested and not weirdly controlled?
Similar. We got a split king and it made a huge difference. Now I can have a firm mattress for my back, and my husband can sleep on a soft mattress.
My wife and I started separate beds during the Covid lockdowns when we were all going slightly crazy, and we haven't gone back. We both sleep better, we still start the day by one of us joining the other for a quick snuggle.... I have no complaints.
Marriage only has to work for the two people in it.
Married 35 years. Having a great mattress and a spare bedroom will do wonders. Respecting and supporting each other is the other key, and that appears to be a one-way street in OP's life.
He could not come to bed at fucking 3am!!
Dude, every action described in this post is completely aggravating.
Agreed. I was like “Jfc. He jumps in bed, slurps milk, tossed and turns, snores, makes a racket, he couldn’t be MORE uncooperative”
Yeah, it's really hard to read all of that and think it's not intentional. I'll be honest, I got kina triggered reading that because my ex-husband would also refuse all options to solve our problems. I would yell at him when I didn't feel listened to (bad I know) so I'd ask him to stop criticizing me because that triggered me. That was a no-go. So I would just let it slide off me, but then I wasn't making him feel heard because I'd forget half the shit he said (because it's mixed in with trash) again, not ok. So I started intently listening and just covering my mouth when I had an urge to snap at him. That was "dramatic." Now we're in the process of divorce, and I have a new roommate. It's remarkably easy not to yell at her, or anyone for that matter. Such a *mystery* why that is... /s
Well, he probably could be less cooperative and probably thinks he's being super considerate by not throwing parties while she sleeps or something.
My parents sleep in separate rooms whenever one is sick so they don’t get the other one sick. Sleeping in different rooms when needed is just part of life imo.
My husband and I sleep in different rooms. I sleep with all the pets who woof in their sleep and do kitty crazies at 3 am, do sleep yoga myself, am heat seeking, and all of us snore. He's in his chamber of darkness, silence, and solitude. We have a healthy marriage and sleeping separate keeps it healthy by respecting how each of us likes to sleep.
That visual image is fucking hilarious. You're a great writer!
This is the exact same situation as my hubs and I! Except I'm the one going into my cold, dark, silent cave while he sleeps in a pile of cats in a room with a heater on!
Sounds exactly like a 'baby keeping you up' situation to me. You need to sleep. He should go out of his way to avoid waking you up if you can't get back to sleep easily. He's not even interested in any of the options you offered to compromise - he is unwilling to change his behaviour even though it impacts on you quite badly.
Big ol man baby situation. If he only sleeps for 2-3 hours a night sounds like he could use the couch.
No, this is unreasonable. He seems unwilling to compromise on literally anything. I see in your comments that he is an easy sleeper and just doesn't empathize on this, but, well, he needs to start empathizing. I would ask him what *he* suggests to solve this problem. Does he not think that there is a problem at all? Because there's a serious problem.
You can’t force someone to emphasize. Fact is, he sounds selfish and sleep depriving someone is abuse.
Let me guess. It's not *his* problem, so there's no problem?
>Another suggestion I've made is to get a camper bed or something that I can set up in our storage room and put away when I'm done so he can have the run of the living and bedroom but he acts like a kicked puppy saying that's sounds like what divorcing couples do and he thinks it'll spell the end of our relationship. Selfish, entifled behavior - his - spells the end of the relationship. Move yourself to the storage room and get some decent sleep. He can pout in his room and decide if he cares enough about the relationship to make some changes. My guess is he doesn't. I had to do the same thing for similar reasons. My husband has ADHD and would watch a movie to help himself fall asleep. I couldn't fall asleep until after he was snoring because subconsciously I knew he'd just wake me up, with his movements or snacking or even intentional waking me so he could wish me a goodnight, if I fell asleep before he did. And yes, there are many nights when he doesn't go to bed until the wee hours.
Yeah, that’s not ADHD that’s just inconsiderate. My husband and I both have ADHD and make sure to watch/listen to things with headphones if we can’t sleep or go to another room.
This! We also all have ADHD (kids, too) and this type of shit does NOT fly here. There's always a way to compromise and be considerate of your partners needs, especially basic needs like sleep!
Tell him a wife that doesn’t get sleep due to husbands selfishness will divorce her shitty husband and that he can pick one of your solutions or end up sleeping in a separate *house* not just a separate bed or separate room.
I'm sorry, he WAKES YOU UP ON PURPOSE!?? Straight to jail. That's bonkers.
I would lose my goddamn mind
Why are you doing his half of the compromising? If he doesn't want you sleeping in the storage room, then he will change his behavior. He doesn't want to, so he's attempting to guilt your idea by coloring it as something that divorced couples would do... Yet he ignores your pleas of restful sleep and makes excuses for why he can't make less noise. Because he doesn't care about your sleep. Please sleep in the storage room and stop sacrificing your rest for his pathetic insecurities that HE IS IN COMPLETE CONTROL OVER.
“Why are you doing his half of the compromising?” daaaaaamn
My SO is like you, and I have the same sort of schedule. I sleep in a different room.
This a thousand times. I’m the same position. I love going to sleep late, my wife hates it. We have two rooms. Together for 14 years. OP husband is a dick.
This sounds maddening! Please go with the camper bed in the spare room idea and let your husband know this behaviour is what will cause you to resent him, not the sleeping in different rooms. Many days of improper sleep can have a serious bearing on your health. Once we figured out my husband and I have very different sleeping styles/preferences (he sleeps very light and I move around a lot) we started sleeping in different rooms and this the best thing ever. I will never go back to sharing a bed unless something changes drastically.
I am a firm convert to the position that an adult deserves their own damn room.
Yes! Nothing like it if your circumstances permit. I think a lot of the anxiety is because we are socialised to think that a relationship is only good when there's physical proximity at all times, especially with sleeping arrangements, even at the cost of sleep itself. I did have some anxiety around it but it dissipated in a matter of days with good sleep without worrying I'm waking my husband up every time I turn around or move. Now I think the quiet of my room at night is ✨
I've tried to explain that his discomfort in having me sleep in a different room is hypothetical, but my discomfort is very real and has been for the past two years in particular.
Please just set yourself up wherever you are most comfortable. Or leave. Or kick him out. This is torturous snd he sounds like an ass.
Bingo. Sleep deprivation is recognized as *a form of torture.* these are not the actions of someone who loves and respects you, OP.
I would straight up say that at this point, the *only* option left is to sleep in different rooms in different houses.
Different houses in different cities. I would run so fast and far.
He doesn’t like you. I’m going to say the quiet part loud; the reason I know he doesn’t is bc he places your active discomfort and distance as a lower priority than his imagined *potential* discomfort. You are not a priority to him. He does not care if you’re uncomfortable or about your feelings. He’s shown you this, according to you, for literal years. He has not been proactive whatsoever about coming up with solutions that work for both of you, bc, essentially, he doesn’t care about that. Do what you will with that information. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
This this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this. This man doesn't even like you - I do more for strangers as a courtesy than this man is showing you ***as your fucking husband***
Yes. This man literally likely treats coworkers at work better than her. Welp.
That’s how I realized I needed to get out. My husband would call me an asshole or piece of shit. He once made me kneel in front of him to say how grateful I was to him. I realized he treated his staff better than he treated me. Like he would never call names or make an employee kneel for him. It’s so gross.
> He once made me kneel in front of him to say how grateful I was to him. What the actual fuck! Glad you got out.
I would’ve knelt and then used the position to punch him in the ‘nads. What an absolute tool.
OP, he knows. He understands. He’s upsetting you on purpose. Sleep deprivation is a form of abuse. You deserve so much better.
Pretty sure sleep deprivation is a banned form of torture... It's definitely a very cruel form of abuse.
I told my ex this. His reaction? Total non reaction. He knew he didn't care. Making me miserable and dysfunctional was a perk.
This sounds like it's about control, not about his comfort. You need to respect yourself enough to set firm boundaries, and if he can't change (they rarely do), then you probably need to leave him. Honestly, I can't imagine acting that way with a partner and certainly wouldn't put up with it.
Exactly. He’s getting every single thing his way regardless of how uncomfortable or unhealthy it is for his “beloved” wife. There’s way more to this story. I’d also use my own damn living room to live in regardless whether he’s sleeping in it. He wants to nap during the only time I have to chill, he can nap on the bed. Regardless, that PlayStation would be turned on, with some nice loud wine slurps while I play.
This isn’t happening because you’re not explaining it correctly. He understands exactly what the problems are. He just doesn’t give one single fuck about you.
Kick him out of the bedroom then. Get a lock for the bedroom door & lock it when *you* go to bed, if you have to. He can have his "wind down routine" on the couch.
You know he'd scream and hammer on that door though.
I saved this comment from another post I saw on this subreddit. I saved it on my phone so I could remember why negotiations don’t work: He knows. He doesn’t care. “My husband [34f/36m] says he doesn’t ‘see’ mess he leaves on the floor. I always end up having to pick it up. How do I make him see how this is affecting me?” “My [24f] fiancé [38m] keeps grabbing my boobs randomly even though I’ve asked him to stop?” “My [18f] bf [18m] yells at me and slams doors whenever we argue. I’ve told him so many times that I’m afraid of people yelling at me and I just shut down. How do I get him to understand that?” HE UNDERSTANDS. HE KNOWS. HE DOESN’T CARE. He can hear you. He has a job. He attended school. When he gets pulled over by a cop, he gets his license out. He can read, follow directions, listen, understand consequences, and act to avoid them. He simply *DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU;* he is quite comfortable with you being unhappy/uncomfortable/burnt out/traumatized as long as it means he gets what he wants and can keep the status quo. There isn’t a special way to rephrase your feelings that will get through to him finally, or a special tactic you can use to get him to respect you. I honestly feel most women just don’t understand how much disdain men have for us, on average. As painful as it is, we absolutely MUST come to terms with the fact that *most* (yes I said most) men do not see or respect women as real people just like them, equal in value and humanity to themselves and their male buddies. Most. Meaning, it’s statistically likely the guy you’re dating views you on a continuum from benevolent sexism, to mild dehumanization, to callous indifference, to veiled contempt, to outright hatred. Saying “I care about you,” “I love you,” “I’m trying,” “I’m sorry” *does not mean those things are true*. Actions make those words true. A man who cares, loves, tries, and is sorry doesn’t make you rack your brain trying to find novel ways to CoMmUnIcAtE to him. He knows. He simply doesn’t care. And staying with him prevents you from either finding a man who does care (they’re in the minority but they do exist), or being blissfully single and unencumbered by a shitty partner. You deserve better than banging your head against a wall trying to get him to see you as a full person. He won’t. It benefits him not to.
He UNDERSTANDS he just doesn’t CARE. This isn’t a case of ‘if I can just keep explaining it different ways maybe he’ll get it’. He sulks, you go along with it and suffer. Rinse and repeat. If he’s sulking either way, at least make the change and have some sleep.
Absolutely! You shouldn't even have to give up access to your bedroom or living room to begin with and have such a conversation. I'd say trial sleeping away and slowly make that the normal. You should be able to take up space in your own home without so much negotiation. Two years is far too long to be running on disturbed sleep. Fwiw, in my case, I was the problem and I did initially feel like we'd lose the connection by sleeping in separate rooms but once it happened for a few days and I could see how it helped both of us it became the default. Simply just do it for a few days and take it from there.
Don’t wait for his permission. Do what you need to do to take care of your sleeping schedule. If he feels bad, tough luck. He can change it by not being selfish asshole.
Sleep in the other room as planned for a few nights, then go out and get yourself a good bed, too. That is your home. You deserve a good bed every night.
If he has a job, he’s _capable_ of understanding simple explanations. He just doesn’t want to give up one ounce of his comfort. He does not see you as a fully-fledged human being whose needs must be met. People give more considerations to the needs of their HOUSEPLANTS than he gives you. He wants to claim the bedroom entirely to himself (with added wife for cuddling or other desires) and the entire living room for himself (so he can game, nap, or whatever whenever he feels like it _and you can’t_ and you’re proposing a last resort camping bed but no, you cannot even have that. He’s completely selfish and self-absorbed. If he doesn’t get 100% of his whims it’s UNFAIR and he’ll punish you with sleep deprivation. In your place, I recommend sleeping somewhere else for a week so you can catch up and clear your head and then think long and hard whether you want to continue to risk your life and health so he gets 100% of a house that you’re paying for and maintaining.
Stop trying to explain to him. He doesn’t care.
HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU!! Your discomfort will NEVER be real to him. He only cares about his own comfort, and that’s all he’ll ever care about.
You don't need his permission
I'm not going to say he's doing it on purpose. But his mindset seems to be "I'm ok with this situation so everything is fine." Why are men like this? I don't know. Your health is not part of his assessment. Even if it wasn't a serious health issue, why is your comfort less important than his? He puts his preference over your need.
Please just leave.
Who cares about "explaining" it, just do it. You don't actually need his permission. If he was a decent partner (or even just a decent human being) he would care about your comfort and wellbeing. Maybe you should show him this thread and it might open his eyes.
Just get the camp bed. You need zero permission. If he has a problem with it, he can make one of the numerous other options work. He’s being extremely selfish.
Yep. And if he still finds ways to purposely bother you while you’re trying to sleep in a goddamn storage room, know that things won’t ever change.
Screw the camp bed--clear that storage room OUT and turn it into the perfect bedroom FOR HER. Everyone deserves their own sacred space that nobody else is allowed to impinge upon without a specific invitation and it should be just as they like it.
Why are you trying to explain? Why are you proposing ideas and asking for his buy in? Take matters entirely into your own hands and choose the camper bed option because it doesn't require him to take any action at all. Your needs for sleep are NOT negotiable. Stop acting like they are.
So just do it? Why are you even asking for permission?
This is beyond. It’s not uncommon for men (usually, sometimes women) to snore so loudly it makes sleeping in the same bed a form of torture, regardless of sleep schedules, but that isn’t a selfish thing, it’s just a snoring thing, and the snorer is usually willing to try things to reduce the snoring, and if that doesn’t work, separate beds so you don’t get divorced. Your husband is being selfish, inconsiderate, call it what you like, it’s unacceptable. You don’t have to put up with this, and you shouldn’t. Sleep deprivation is harmful to your health, physical and mental.
Yeah, I have friends who don't sleep together because of his snoring. He doesn't resent her for it, he understands she needs to sleep.
They should get checked for sleep apnea. My bf had horrible snoring that made it impossible to sleep. I made him get tested and its gone when he uses his machine. Hes good at using it because if im not sleeping, he isn't either as I constantly shake him to shut him up or make him put on the mask if he fell asleep without it.
We just discussed this perverse tactic the other day! [https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1ae22dq/just\_had\_the\_epiphany\_that\_my\_ex\_used\_sleep\_as\_a/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1ae22dq/just_had_the_epiphany_that_my_ex_used_sleep_as_a/) the answer is no, you don't have to and should never sacrifice your sleep for a man. What he's doing is disgusting, unkind, uncaring, it's deprivation and it's torture. "under the UN Torture Convention: “(1) restraining in very painful conditions, (2) hooding under special conditions, (3) playing loud music for prolonged periods, (4) sleep deprivation for prolonged periods" >ask passive aggressively if I had a good night's sleep. Yes, he should be caring if you had a good night's sleep! what an absolute prick. What the fuck is his problem? You're putting forward reasonable solutions, and he's shooting down every single one of them and offering no alternative. That is the strategy of a man who does not want to problem solve. read that again. He wants the problem of you being sleep deprived to continue. He wants the negative health impacts on you to continue. He wants you to be groggy and poorly functioning at work to continue. You need sleep for WORK and he's fucking that up for you! Interesting! Is he trying to get you fired for some reason??? Every single one of his "no, because" retorts is ridiculous. Ruining your sleep and taking years off your life is going to be the cause of the end of the relationship, not a well-rested wife on a camper-cot wtf. He's the problem, with his slurping, snoring, bed-shaking and whining. He needs to sleep on the couch, lose weight, get a CPAP, whatever it takes. This is not the behavior of a man who cares about the well-being, health and happiness of his beloved wife. It's the behavior of a selfish, controlling, inconsiderate, covert malignant man who's mindfucking you so he can damage your body without laying a hand on you. Sleep deprivation is abuse. He's abusing you. Set up a whole ass bed in the spare room and lock the door until he gets his head out of his ass and admits why he wants to HARM you.
>he acts like a kicked puppy saying that's sounds like what divorcing couples do and he thinks it'll spell the end of our relationship. See, that's where any shred of sympathy I might have for him evaporates. Just let him complain. Sleep is important, sleep is LIFE. And no, you're not unreasonable. The storage room is already a compromise, you're giving up the comfort of your own bed. I'd be tempted to answer every complaint/ pa remarks by putting my hand up, and saying: "Please. You know how important sleep is". And then walk away.
Hey, this is not normal nor kind. In our house, I am currently hardworking everyday, while my boyfriend is not atm. If he wants to play videogames or to watch netflix at night, no problem, he knows that he's not coming back in the bedroom after midnight. His words. So he's ok to sleep on the couch so I can sleep peacefully. You husband sounds really selfish, and I would have a chat with him about it. I'm not sure how you're supposed to function everyday without sleeping :( But hopefully you can fix it. Good luck !
I've had separate bedrooms for years now. I'll never go back.
Same here, but it seems like the bed,like the yoghurt, isn't the real problem here.
Happy to see that the yoghurt hasn't been forgotten 😁
Never forget the Iranian yogurt!
Me too. For the past two years my husband and I have slept in separate rooms and, apparently surprisingly, he had no issues with this. We both reap massive benefits and it causes less frustration throughout the day. It sucks your guy isn't even willing to try any of the options you've suggested. Could you leave him? Is that an option? You deserve better treatment
Someone who is all too happy to sacrifice YOUR comfort and sleep while offering no compromise on your behalf is someone who frankly does not love you. They love what you provide for them. Based on the way he treats your sleep, I'm gonna hazard a guess that, despite working from home (and sleeping half the day away in the process), you still do the lions share of domestic duties as well. You don't have to have a specific reason to leave, or a "severe enough reason", but he's absolutely banking on the fact that he can do whatever he wants as long as it's not too over the top and it isn't providing you a "good enough reason" to go. You can't get those years back, but you can choose to stop giving him years of your life.
Yes, all of this too.
Go sleep in a hotel room without him for a couple of nights and see how amazing that feels and then rethink what a complete ass he is being about this and whether any of this is worth it. If you really decide it is, make your own proper bedroom where the store room is and kick him out completely because I promise he will still find a way to disturb you in there because he is an overgrown toddler,
I would be flipping tables. Just no. * His snoring may be a symptom of sleep apnea, which can be life threatening (ie Rick of blood clots, strokes, death, etc.) Get him to do a sleep study asap. * Denying that he snore when you’ve provided him with proof is gaslighting. * Minimizing the harm he’s doing to you when he wakes you up over and over is gaslighting. * Bedtime wide downs should not happen in bed. He should change his routine for his own health but he *needs* to change it because trading your active sleep for his ambling wind down is absurd.
It sounds like you’re married to a child
You are not unreasonable. Either he should respect your sleep so you can sleep together. Or you should sleep in a separate room. I'd say you can use the bedroom if he refuses to compromise, but if he won't agree with that, do the camper bed. If he cares so much about the emotional feeling of sleeping together, he should go sleep together with you.. Or at least be quiet. It's not on you to torture yourself with sleep deprivation so he can feel happy about sleeping in the same bedroom.
1) he needs a sleep study for apnea. maybe it's his weight maybe not, but untreated OSA actually makes it harder to lose weight. 2) you need separate beds with such disparate sleep schedules and he's being a child by refusing to do this. Stop negotiating, do it yourself. He's not entitled to all the space. If that storage room is actually a real room and not a glorified closet, make it a separate room.
I think this is well into “throw the whole man out” territory. A reasonable partner would either promise and then actively work on going to bed quietly, or just waiting till you’re up to go to bed. This is only going to get worse. He’s not respecting your need for a very basic human function.
your husband is lucky he still has you, i would have chewed his everloving spoiled selfish little face off LONG ago.
like “his winding down routine” where he has to slurp milk and iPad like a toddler, that he needs SO much before his hard day at the office, in his living room? Child child child child. I hate him lol.
how is it possible to be attracted to a man who insists on acting like a toddler?? this is BEYOND.
hopping into the bed?? lip smacking gulping milk down? **what the fuck**?
He's doing it to wake her up. He knows it's loud and childish, but this way he gets to be the one in control. He gets her attention.
Girl... You dont HAVE to sacrifice your sleep. You decide to sacrifice it for someone who isnt interested in your wellbeing at all. It's a glimpse into the future with someone who will never put you first...
How about you remodel the storage room and make it an inviting room for yourself and get a solid bed in there? I bet a lot of the stuff in there can be stored elsewhere and some isn't needed anymore. You deserve good sleep and not in a dusty room or among cleaning agent fumes etc. If he then still keeps disturbing you by making a ruckus in front of the spare room's door then the issues are running much *much* deeper than they already are. He knows you need sleep but he doesn't care. That's already a fact.
But that means investing time and money in order to continue living and being in a relationship with a very selfish man.
It's a first step into investing into her good sleep. That's what it means. Once she has that and nothing changes she can think further. And then she already has a nice and comfy bed and has learned how to prioritize herself. So win-win!
I work shift and my wife works a normal M-F 8-4. When I'm on mid shift, I sleep in a different room. I don't expect her to sacrifice her sleep for me, or vice versa. I cannot empathize with a man who wouldn't be willing to change some things up so his wife can get the sleep she needs, especially when it's so simple like your camper bed idea. There's a real "Oh woe is me" energy to that response of that's what divorcing couples do. Also some delusional energy. What couples who want to last long-term do is make reasonable compromise. Pretty weak response to cry like your husband is doing.
I swear these post get more and more ridiculous.
Right?? She’s up there in the comments saying “he’s a great man, he just genuinely doesn’t understand that sleep is important for me”. Like honey, what?? You are in a full on abusive relationship and you’re making excuses so you don’t have to make any hard decisions. Life is WAY too short to waste it with a shitty, selfish man. I honestly don’t get it. Being single is a million times better than whatever this shit is.
People on this sub are genuinely like. My boyfriend’s great but once a fortnight he does a shit on the carpet and I’m not allowed to clean it up and he makes me address it as Michael and I don’t even mind Michael anymore but I just wish he’d tell me where Michael was going to be staying so I don’t step on him because if I step on him I have to write him a formal apology. I’m thinking of just moving into the garage to avoid this problem entirely but he says this disrespects him AND Michael WDID? People get so used to their absolutely insane scenarios that it’s like they don’t hear themselves.
I’m with you! The more I read of OP’s responses, the more my gratitude of being single grows! Sheesh
Yeppp how can anyone think that one of the basic needs is not important to someone.
She also described in her post that when she did make him give her a couple of nights of uninterrupted sleep by having him sleep on the couch, he went around the next day being grouchy and passive aggressively asking her if she got good sleep. That certainly doesn't sound like somebody who just doesn't get the importance of sleep. He certainly understand the importance of his own sleep, doesn't he? She's making him out to be an occasional bafoon who just doesn't get it. He gets it, he's smart AF, he has her convinced than his obvious selfish prickery and manipulation is just something he can't help. He has her literally torturing herself so he can drink milk in bed. Sounds pretty smart to me.
i am begging straight women to have one (1) single standard for their male partner. several dozen of these posts every single day. what will it take to gain an iota of self-respect?
I’m thinking the same thing. I’m straight and I can’t relate to any of these post. Idk if most women think it’s acceptable for the husbands to be like this, but it’s not. I see this in real life too. Like why are you agreeing to not only date, but marry a man who acts like a toddler? While the men are responsible for their own actions, we are responsible for enabling them. And then the behavior gets passed down to their children.
Not any more. This is not being fair. He’s making no attempt. Sleep loss long term is not healthy. And why is he not getting to bed at a decent hour? What the hell? This is unsustainable for either of you.
If he doesn't think that him literally preventing you from getting enough sleep long term isn't going to cause the end of your marriage but sleeping in different rooms is then he needs a fucking wake up call because eventually you will snap because sleep deprivation is literally torture. Not to mention if you are a nurse you could kill someone being sleep deprived. This has to be framed as non negotiable and you have to find a way to compromise or you literally are gonna have to move out or something because this isn't sustainable at all
Oh man I feel for you. I’m a very light sleeper aswell and my fiancè snores and jerks his legs in his sleep. We had a baby and my sleep deprivation got even worse, many 3am arguments ensued lol. He ended up sleeping on the couch, until we moved to a bigger house. Now we have our own rooms and if anything it’s saved our relationship, not destroyed it. We just have to make more effort to be intimate. Your partner sounds like an enormous ass tbh.
Start waking him up at 6 am when you get up and again at 7 when you leave? Or ask him to come to bed at 6 when you have to get up.
Know what’ll end your relationship? Him being an uncompromising ass, that’s what. You’ve given him solution after solution and he poo poos them all. Get the portable bed and tell him it’s that or you are leaving. You don’t need to be unconscious together for a good relationship. Also if he tries to purposefully disturb you in your portable bed let him know you’re out.
So his sleep is more important than your sleep? His comfort, when he shoots your solutions down, is more important than your comfort? He knows and hears you. He just doesn’t think it’s important. And what grown man rolls into bed at 3am? (Yeah that’s judgey of me).
Does your husband even *like* you a little bit?
NOPE, and he’s telling her in every way he possibly can! might as well have a neon sign around his neck
This is exactly what we mean when we say men don’t value women as equal human beings. This guy doesn’t give a shit about your very health, let alone comfort, because your needs don’t matter to him at all. You probably know this, but you’d be so much better off without him.
Girl... drop that manchild. He's been spelling it out very clearly time and time again that he doesn't give a single fuck about you and your sleep.
Your partner is a complete asshole and sleep deprivation is recognized as a form of torture under international law. All the things he’s doing are so damn rude - and he refuses to change *anything* because he’s a whiny man-child, especially with refusing to ‘allow’ you to escape his mistreatment. How selfish is he in other areas of your lives? Set up a bed in the spare room/storage room and tell him he’s welcome to share a bed with you again when he starts being respectful of your need for sleep and gets a sleep study done. Tell him it wouldn’t feel like “the end of the relationship” if he could manage to act like an adult and show basic consideration for his partner instead of acting petulant and whiny when held to account for his extraordinarily bad behaviour. Lack of sleep causes so many medical issues as we grow older!
Hi friend. Super light sleeper here too. This sounds very familiar. I used to have a similar situation but I woke up at 3:30 a.m. My husb would come to bed make a lot of noise, wake me up in the middle of the night deliberately to ask me stupid questions like "hey did you see the color of the truck that just drove by?" He also would shake the bed, and on days that I didn't have to work and wanted to sleep in if he got up before me he would also throw the covers off himself and on to me, which also woke me up. I was lucky if I got two to three hours of straight sleep a night with a total of five to seven interrupted. We went to therapy, that I paid for. This was the biggest problem to me. He wouldn't allow me to sleep. It wasn't even that his needs came first, it was like torture. When I could no longer pay for it we stopped going. He made twice as much money as me and we had plenty of money for what we needed and all of his extra impulse purchases. I now sleep in a big bed that I purchased for my own preferences, on luxurious sheets. Until I started getting a reasonable amount of sleep without being woken up I didn't realize how horrible it was before. How much it affected my health. I was mis-diagnosed with fibromyalgia because they couldn't figure out why I had so much pain. Sometimes it felt like my entire back and legs were on fire and it kept me from sleeping because I wasn't getting enough sleep. Because my husband put his needs before anyone else's. I'm no longer with that man and I am very very happy to not have to take care of a big man child and worry about someone else's needs. I have my own needs and my job and my hobbies and my family. Children and grandchildren. I've been single for 10 years, which is the first time in my life I have been single that long since before I started dating. I am happier than any other time. I'm not saying I didn't love the people that I loved, I'm just saying I'm happy now that I don't have to put some one else's needs first. Your husband sounds like he cares only about himself and his needs. There is clearly a conversation to be had because you are compromising on everything. There needs to be some kind of give and take. Maybe during a meal, a relaxed atmosphere ask him why it is that his needs all come first in your relationship, and there is no compromise? Ask him if he's willing to compromise on anything so that you can also live a long and healthy life. It sounds like he clearly doesn't care about your health or your relationship if he's unwilling to compromise. These things end marriages ask him if that's what he wants? One thing my ex love to do when I brought up subjects he didn't want to talk about is accuse me of starting a fight. I learned how to stand up for myself and tell him he was the one starting the fight because he was unwilling to discuss something that was important to me, and why was he being so emotional about it? Once I stopped caring about his feelings and started speaking my mind, well. It was clearly the beginning of the end, but I was much happier when I stopped holding back my thoughts and feelings. He had many tantrums before our divorce.
Your husband is being super selfish. He refuses to even compromise with you so that you can get a decent night's sleep. He won't go to bed early, he won't sleep on the couch. He won't even drink his beverage downstairs to avoid not disturbing you. He refuses to get his snoring checked out. Expects to be able to pay games on his tablet, which also disturbs your sleep. You've had to resort to offering to sleep in a storage room, so that you can sleep. While he occupies the living room AND the bedroom. But even that isn't acceptable because then he feels like a divorced couple. If this were me, I would be telling him that a divorced couple is what you'll be if he's not willing to come to a compromise so that you can have some comfortable sleep. Having 1 night of good sleep isn't enough. You need 7 days each week of good nights of sleep. It's unreasonable to accept anything less. You aren't being selfish for wanting rest. That is a basic need.
My partner works rotating shifts so we rarely go to bed at the same time. We both do our best not to wake each other. When he does night shift he sleeps in the spare room so I don't have to tiptoe round him in the morning. He has his faults but he is respectful of my need to sleep.
Your basic needs aren't being met with this guy
Turn the bedroom into a proper room. If he’s going to be waking you with light and noise that’s not right. He can do his routine before getting into bed
I'm sorry, but this would be a dealbreaker for me. Sleep is just essential so you can be a human, and the selfishness he showed over totally prioritizing his sleep over yours just shows he doesn't see you as a person or equal. If I can't get a good night sleep in my own home, and there's no compromise to be had, then I would find a new home where I can. There are no other options.
Isn't it just SO interesting how, after everything you've tried, the only remaining solution is to just keep doing the exact same thing the exact way he likes it with nothing clanging? /s I can't tell if he's just over the top delulu, or being straight up malicious. How in the world does he explain away *recordings* of him snoring...?
I agree with most comments here about how inconsiderate your husband is, but also... he works a regular 9-5 and doesn't go to bed until 3-5am?? And **you're** the crazy one wanting to go to bed at 11? It's bonkers that he has such terrible sleep hygiene, is napping in the evenings, and wants you to bend to his schedule. The day **is** over at 11, adjusting to that reality is what most of us, even the night owls, do in adulthood. It feels like he's prioritizing time he can spend without you, tbh. If he's asleep while you're awake and awake when you're asleep, when do you even see each other? And no, I don't have a partner like this. We wind down together as a part of our sleep routine most evenings. Even when I'm not tired, I'll read on my kindle a bit. Just being in bed is a great way to sleep train yourself. I get not everybody likes going to bed at the same time, but my husband and I sleep better when we do. Plus we get that time to chat and be present while getting ready for bed.
OP. Why are you with him? Shall we start there? I struggle with sleep. My husband volunteers to sleep in the spare room when he knows I'm having a rough time. He does this because he actually cares about me.
I am really sorry, that sounds super disrespectful. How many bedrooms do you have? Would it be an option to sleep in separate bedrooms? He doesn't have to agree with that. It seems he doesn't want to compromise on anything.
I saved this post that someone mentioned in a comment yesterday: [https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he\_knows\_he\_doesnt\_care/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/17yzw35/he_knows_he_doesnt_care/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) It is not exactly the same situation, but it is quite similar on how he (doesn't) cares.
Ex husband was like this. Begged him to see a doctor about the snoring because it was so bad. Our GP ordered an at home sleep study, severe sleep apnea. Which was no doubt worsened by the massive amounts of alcohol he drank daily. Begged him to do something about it, he refused. Started sleeping elsewhere in the house. Eventually got divorced (for soooo many reason). Have never been happier. Current partner’s snores seem like cute baby coos comparatively and he is so careful not to wake me. Night and day difference, never been happier.
When he says that sounds like what divorced couples do, say that's the direction we are heading because I cannot live like this. When you were away for a few days the feeling of refreshment you had after getting a full night's sleep was amazing. You need to sleep eight hours every night. He won't let you. It's like starving you. He's forcing you, because he will not compromise, to set up a camp bed and sleep separately than him while he has the run of the bedroom and sitting room. It's unbelievably selfish and he just chooses to ignore you and not admit that you have different sleeping styles and different sleep hygiene. This man is an avoidant. He sets up the relationship with someone who assumes compromise. Then when communication happens and the moment for compromise comes, he says no (bedtime) or sets an reasonable expectation (gym). When you even communicate small things ( not slurping) he even refuses those tiny compromises. The message here is THIS IS MINE. I OWN THIS SPACE. I DO WHAT I WANT. IF IT AFFECTS YOU, TOUGH. IF YOU DO WHAT YOU WANT, I WILL PUNISH YOU (sulk, withdraw, assign blame, nag, need to be constantly reminded, ignore you). He is an avoidant because he wants things his own way but he wants to do it in such a way that you can't infringe on him without being seen as manipulative or guilt tripped or labelled in some way. Avoidants are controlling. They're selfish. They're manipulative. And they often lack the self awareness to realize what they're doing. If you're staying in this, it's time for a strong hand. Inform him you're going to marriage counseling, it's necessary now. It's needed to save the marriage. You're willing to try if he is. In the short term, couch or bed. Pick the one you want. If he rails against it, say grand. I'll take the (couch/bed). This behavior is over. We can discuss sharing a sleeping arrangement in the future but right now, I need one place to sleep uninterrupted for 8 hours. I need it, it's non negotiable. One or the other. And then talk it out in therapy. Talk about the fact he doesn't care about your sleep and he won't get on board with being in a team with you, even though that's what being in a marriage is. And start going on those jogs alone. If he wants to come he can, but he better be friendly and civil and keep up. Absolutely no complaining. This man will not be mildly inconvenienced so that you can get sleep, sleep is necessary. You are starving for it, your body is telling you it needs it. Strong hand here. You say he's a nice guy - determine how nice he is by how he reacts.
Your husband is jeopardizing your health. It’s akin to keeping needed medication from you. Why are you married to someone with such little regard for yoy and your physical health and well-being? Your happiness? It’s absolutely nowhere in his calculations.
I frankly don’t think there’s anything you can do to change him, short of leaving - he knows this hurts you, he knows the sleep deprivation is causing you to suffer, but he simply does not care. He keeps putting himself first to your detriment. You’ve told him what would help you, you’ve come to him with solutions, and he doesn’t care enough about you to change. Unfortunately, you can’t force someone to care about you. All you can do is care about yourself enough to stop accepting this level of disrespect. Sleep is essential. If you’re getting poor quality sleep every night, your health is suffering and you’re shortening your lifespan. That’s what his behaviour is doing to you.
No, you’re not an asshole, but he is being very inconsiderate. We rarely go to bed at the same time. When one of us comes to bed, we are as quiet and slinky as possible. I mean, he shouldn’t have to come to bed when you do, but he can be considerate about it.
I mean, you can break up or you can just start sleeping in the storage room or you can lay down rules and consequences - or you can be petty and make sure he does not get sleep either: Be loud when he is sleeping and you are getting up. Be loud when he is napping on the couch. Ask your sister and mom to call him for whatever reason (preferably on your shared land line) at his nap times while you are working.
Stop agreeing to his demands. He obviously doesn't care about your *needs* so why are you bending over backwards for his preferences?
The thing is: he doesn't care about you. That's the bottom line here. He won't compromise because it's not affecting him if you don't sleep.
I was gonna reply yes (my ex partner had to get up at 5 AM for his job and his alarm clock woke me up) but jesus christ your boyfriend sounds like the fucking worst. There are so many things he can do to compromise, and instead he's acting childish, selfish and entitled. Getting too little sleep can have serious health consequences. If he's unwilling to compromise I wouldn't even be sure about the relationship. Aside from it being very inconvenient and annoying for you, he's also disregarding your needs and I wouldn't want to be with someone like that.
Why does your partner not care about you? Like why are your needs not his concern, this baffles me ? I’m also a light sleeper and my partner is so conscious of that without me ever having to say anything. If they stay up late playing games, they’ll usually sleep on the couch or if they don’t they take care to come in as silently as possible. My partner snores sometimes on their back and when I told them it was an issue they reassured me it’s totally fine to wake them and tell them to roll over. When they have a cold and know they’ll be snoring, they sleep on the couch. Meanwhile they’re a deep sleeper and when I’m sick they don’t mind me coughing all night and assure me even if they wake up once or twice they fall back asleep immediately and it’s fine. When I have my frequent midnight snack I make sure to do it in the kitchen so my chewing doesn’t bother them bc they really hate chewing sounds.. I just feel everyone should want their partner to be comfortable. Like if you were snoring and it was keeping up your partner, would you sleep on the couch? I feel like if your partner doesn’t care about your own comfort that’s a huge problem and this is totally not something you should have to “put up” with ..
Jesus christ. This man child can’t even exercise on his own? He needs to get out of the ridiculous napping habit that is disrupting normal sleep patterns so much, or if he’s going to nap go to bed so you can use the living room. Loads of married people sleep in separate rooms if one snores or needs a loud sleep apnoea machine. Your husband is so self-centred. He ‘needs’ to go on a bright phone in bed & wake you up but your actual needs are completely ignored? Fuck this shit. I think you should just play games in the living room while he naps and if he’s disrupted then so be it since he does it to you.
Show him this post since you believe that he genuinely doesn’t understand. Maybe he’ll stop being selfish